Russell Peters: Deported (2020) Movie Script

Ladies and

gentlemen, it's start time

at the Dome NSCI SVP Stadium.

And right about now, we're going

to bring you the brother that

gave you, "somebody going to get

a hurt real bad," "be a man,"

"take it and go."

One of "Rolling

Stones" 50 greatest

stand up comics of all time.

Let's bring him on right now,

the brownest working man in

show business, Russell Peters.

Hey!

Hello Bombay buggers.

What's happening?

I know it's going

to sound strange,

but it's good to be home.

I mean, although I was

never born and raised here,

but I still feel at home.

I feel like I don't

have to do things

that I have to do back home

to keep up with white people.

I can just be a

comfortable brown man here.

Fuck it, I don't even have to

put on deodorant over here if I

don't want to, because

it's not stopping you,

you know what I mean?

Give it up for Starting From

Scratch, ladies and gentlemen.

So we're back in the motherland.

How you doing, buddy?

You OK?

He must be good.

He give me, like, the sharp one.

That's how you know you're

really fucking good.

It wasn't even

multiple, just one.

What's your name?

Preag.

- What?

Preag.

That sounds like before ugly.

I am pre-ug right now,

10 more years, full-ug.

How you doing, buddy?

Good?

You chose to look

like a sperm tonight.

I see that was your...

That was a choice you made.

How did you get here?

That's why traffic

doesn't bother him.

I was around a million others.

That's an awful outfit.

Pre-ug, actually ug.

OK, let me tell you

what's been happening

with me since the last

time I saw you guys.

I don't know if you know

this, it's been a few years

since I've been here.

But since the last time

I was here, I got fat.

And... fuck you.

I... here's what happened, I was

like my regular kind of fat.

You know what I mean?

Like, that kind of fat

when you look at me

and you go, you

know, Russell, if you

would just run, like, once.

That's the problem with

being Indian, we get fat.

We're born skinny,

that's the real problem.

We're born skinny.

We're naturally a

skinny race of people.

And we're born skinny

and we stay skinny.

We don't have to work

hard to be skinny.

We could be skinny and

eat whatever we want

and stay skinny.

And then we never go to the

gym because we're skinny,

we don't need to.

And our parents don't

encourage you to go to the gym.

You're like, dad, I'm

going to go to the gym.

What's in the gym?

Do they have studies in the gym?

No, you're not going to the gym.

You stay home and

do your studies.

And because you

never tone up, you

stay this, like, really smushy

kind of skinny, you know.

And you eat whatever you

want your entire life.

And then at 30, you're

Indian genes kick

in and go, OK, party's over.

And then you just get fat,

and it's, like, a fucking

awful fat that we get.

And that's what happened to me.

I mean, I'm much

older than that now.

But I got like a

weird kind of fat.

I was like my normal fat and

then I woke up one morning,

I was like,.

I was like, I'm bloated.

I figured I would pee it

out, I would sweat it out,

I'd be fine the next day.

Anyway, cut to a year and a

half later and I'm still ..

And I go, something's wrong.

So I go to the doctor.

I go, doc, I got fat.

He goes, yes.

I said, thanks, asshole.

I didn't come here

for confirmation.

I came here to find

out why I got fat.

He goes, well, why do

you think you're fat?

I said, because I have a mirror.

And I walked past it

naked the other day

and I thought somebody

else was in my room.

I was like, on my God, who

fat, hairy ass is that?

Turns out it was my stomach.

It was...

And people on the internet

were calling me fat.

You guys are dicks, by the way.

You say whatever you want

to us on the internet.

And if we respond,

we're assholes.

So we just have

to take the abuse.

But sometimes I get

mad when people say

things to me on the internet.

Not because of what they said,

more so because it's probably

something I would have said.

And then I'm mad

that my own words

are getting used against me.

Like, I posted something

for this TV show I was on.

And somebody goes, holy shit,

did you eat your whole cast?

And I was like, damn it,

I would have said that to.

I probably would

have said that too.

And then somebody posted

a picture with me,

and somebody commented

and went, Russell Peters,

looking thicker than a snicker.

I got mad at that because

I love a good rhyme.

Thicker than a snicker,

that's a good one too.

It's not a fair way

to describe a human.

I think thicker than a

snicker is a great way

for me to describe my penis.

I think it's a wonderful

way to describe it.

So Russell, tell me

about your penis.

Well, it's thicker than

a snicker, equally dark

and vain texture, packed

with nuts, and it satisfies.

So I said to my

doc, I said, doc,

it doesn't make sense

that I should be

getting as fat as I'm getting.

He said, why not?

I said, because I

don't eat crazy,

and I train jujitsu

every other day.

He's like, huh, how

old are you now?

I said, 48.

He goes, and you're Indian?

I go, yeah, but...

He goes, and you haven't

had a heart attack yet?

He goes... I said, no, I

haven't had a heart attack yet.

He goes, all right.

So he takes blood and I leave.

Calls me back in

three days later.

I go back in, he's like,

hey, I got your blood back.

I know what's wrong.

I go, what's wrong?

He goes, it's your thyroid.

I go, what about it?

He goes, you have an

underactive thyroid.

I go, so what does that mean?

It means it's not doing enough.

I said, I understand what

the fuck underactive means.

He goes, then why did you ask?

I said, how is it affecting me?

He goes, the thyroid

is making you fat.

I go, the thyroid

is making me fat.

He goes, no, you're

doing things too,

but the thyroid

is really helping.

I go, so what do we got to do?

He said, we've got to

speed your thyroid up.

I said, let's get that

bitch moving, right.

So it's been a

year and a half now

and I lost 24 pounds from it.

But it wasn't me, it

was the medication.

It's not me.

And I've lost... like my

body's in much better shape

than it's ever been, but my

fucking head is fat as shit.

And I don't know...

I don't know how to...

I look like a fucking thumb.

Do you know how hard it

is to lose a fat head?

It's almost impossible.

I used to box.

There's tricks when

you want to lose weight

from your body in boxing, you

could put on a garbage bag

and you go sit in the

sauna and you sweat it off.

Let me give you some

friendly advice,

you can't do that

with your head.

I know, I found

out the hard way.

I was like, you know

what, I got this.

I grabbed a plastic bag, I threw

it over my big stupid head.

I'm not an idiot, I cut

a hole from my nose.

It was a substantial hole.

And I went sat in the sauna.

But I forgot when you have a

larger nose and you inhale,

you tend to suck up more

than the average human.

And I took a deep

breath in the sauna

and sucked up the plastic bag.

And my friends thought I

was trying to commit suicide

in the dumbest way possible.

But when I got fat, I

got like a weird kind.

Indian people, we get

the worst kind of fat.

Like, it just goes everywhere.

Like, white people,

do you ever see

white Americans when they get

fat, it's just bam, a belly.

And you can't tell from behind.

Hey, look at the white guy.

He turns around

and, like, hello.

But Indians, it just shows

up in the weirdest places.

Like, I started to grow tits,

but not in front, on the side.

I don't know what the fuck

they were going, but...

I was growing side tits and

they were like arm rests.

I was walking around

after a while, I was...

It was like I was going to go

into a pool with some floaties

on the whole time.

And then I was

getting a fat back.

That was a weird thing to get.

It was like fat on my back.

I would sit down and my fat back

would hang over the chair and.

I'm like, what the fu...

I would grab it and

go, this feels nice.

But not on me, I

don't like this.

And then I had a chunk of fat,

like a big... like, right here...

A big, huge clump of fat.

Like, when a woman gets fat

here, it's called a gunt.

Because it's a gut

right above her...

You know I mean.

So it's a gunt.

And I guess when I

had it, it's a gock.

I guess it would

be a gock, I guess.

I don't know.

Literally for a year and a

half, I didn't see my penis.

I would have to

lift it up to visit.

You still there, buddy?

OK, good.

And I'd rest it.

Don't worry, the sun

will shine one day.

So my doctor says, hey,

what else is wrong with you?

I go, what do you mean

what else is wrong with me?

He goes, look, you're a

48-year-old Indian man.

I'm like, that's really fucking

racist, but since you asked,

I have acid reflux.

I don't know.

Does anybody else... who else

has acid reflux in here?

First of all, you're

lying to me right now.

Because there is no way

you can be Indian and not

have fucking acid reflux.

It's inevitable.

There's no way you can

consume the food that we eat

with that much spice, and that

much oil, and that much butter,

and not just have it

burn a hole in your...

As my dad would

say... your esophagus.

What?

Son, it's burning

your esophagus.

Dad, I want to assure you

I have no phagus in me.

No, no, son, esophagus.

I don't care whose

phagus you think this is.

There's no way you

don't have acid reflux.

I'm looking at all of you,

especially all the pudgy guys.

You know exactly who has it.

You got it, don't

you, yellow guy?

You do, do you.

He's like, I know,

I have it, but I

don't want to say because my

shirt looks like turmeric, so...

I've had acid reflux

my entire life...

My entire life.

And I remember being

six years old...

And here's the worst thing

about having acid reflux,

it's triggered by food.

And when you grow up

in an Indian house

and your food is Indian

food, and this food triggers

your fucking acid

reflux, and you

can't eat Indian food anymore,

you're a piece of shit.

Like, I remember

going to my mom, mom,

I can't eat Indian food anymore.

Mom goes, what?

Do you realize people in

India are dying to eat

this food, literally dying.

I said, mom, do you

understand that I'm

dying if I eat this food?

Literally dying.

I was six years old, I

remember this clearly,

I was six years

old and I remember

burping and fire

shot up my chest

and flames came out my nose.

And I remember

clearly because there

was tears coming down my eyes.

And I remember going, I'm

crying and I'm not crying,

I'm very confused.

And I go to my mom, I go, mom,

mom, it's burns when I burp.

My mom goes, what?

I said, it burns when I burp.

Oh my God, it burns

when he burps.

Oh my God, son, OK,

do this, don't burp.

That was your big

piece of advice, mom?

I'm like, I'm serious,

mom, it's burning.

She goes, OK, OK, yeah,

yeah, here, drink some milk,

drink some milk.

I drank the milk, nothing.

Mom, it's still

burning, never mind.

Dad, dad, it's still burning.

My dad goes, OK, OK, see

the yogurt on the table?

Eat the yogurt.

What?

Eat the yogurt.

What do you mean eat the yogurt?

Son, it's a fact.

What's a fact?

If you eat the yogurt,

it will cool you down.

You'll feel better.

How is that...

It's a fact, son.

How is that a fact?

Son, do you even

know what yogurt is?

Yogurt is a probiotic.

When you get sick, what

does the doctor give you?

Antibiotic.

Dad, I'm six years old.

I don't know what a

fucking biotic is.

Son, one is for biotics

and one is against biotics.

I said, I still don't

know what a biotic is.

Son, just eat the

bastard yogurt.

I go, why?

Because why do you think

Indian people keep yogurt

on the table when we eat food?

To help your digestion.

I said, OK, now

that makes sense.

So I grabbed a

bowl of the yogurt.

I start eating it, Well,

fuck me in the eye,

there's chilies and

onions in the yogurt.

Why?

Why did we spice the yogurt?

That's what triggers

the burning.

And Indian parents will become

racist at the drop of a dime.

I go, dad, why did

we spice the yogurt?

He goes, how else are

you going to eat yogurt?

Plain?

We're not white people.

I said, dad, that's

really racist.

Is it racist or is it a fact?

How is that a fact?

Son, what color is plain yogurt?

What does plain

yogurt taste like?

Nothing.

What is the contribution

from white people

to the food of the world?

Nothing.

It's a fact.

So my doctor says to me,

hey, I just called downstairs

to the clinic in

the lobby and I got

you an endoscopy appointment.

I go, what?

He goes, when was the last

time you had an endoscopy?

I said, never.

Let me tell you

something, doc, I've never

shoved anything in my ass.

He said, what the fuck

are you talking about?

I said, doc, I'm not

an idiot, all right?

I know what an endoscopy is.

It's in your end -os.

Copy.

He said, no, you fucking

idiot, it's in your mouth.

I said, hey, yo.

It may be in your mouth, doc,

but it ain't in my mouth, bro.

I mean, what you do outside of

here is none of my business,

man.

That's why I like my

doctor because he swears

at me when he talks to me.

I trust him for

that reason alone.

I don't trust people

that don't swear.

People that don't swear,

you're hiding something.

There's something

wrong with you.

You probably touch kids.

I'm telling you,

there's something

wrong with people that don't

swear, there's something wrong.

They're hiding something.

And people that don't swear act

like they're better than you.

Because they go out

of their way to let

you know they don't swear.

I don't know, I just

find better ways

of communicating than using

foul and obscene language.

It's like,.

You keep an eye on those people.

They're hiding some...

There's something really

dark going on in their head.

They've got some

dark, dark secrets

and they don't want

you to know about it.

You see them, the people

that are too nice,

they'll be too friendly,

too polite, you know.

They got dark stuff

going on in their head.

They'll be like, well, the

wife and I had a lovely dinner

with you all tonight.

We hope you all have a

wonderful night of digestion.

We're going to reconvene to

the bedroom and at which point

in the morning, we'll

collect again and enjoy

a delicious breakfast together.

And at which point we shall

discuss the night's events.

With that, I wish you all good

night and pleasant dreams.

And they go to the bedroom

and he closes the door.

And he's like, all right,

honey, shit on my chest.

Because they got dark, dark

things going on in there.

Here's the good news, I swear

I'll never shit on your chest.

I like how uncomfortable

that made all of you.

I'm just trying to do the math

on the shitting on the chest,

it's...

What is the purpose of this?

My doctor says, listen, I

called downstairs to the clinic

in the lobby and I got you

an endoscopy appointment.

I go, when?

He goes, right now.

I go, so what do I gotta do?

He said, you got to go

downstairs to the lobby

and go to the clinic.

And I go, and when is

this going to happen?

He said, right now.

I said, OK, so where is

this going to happen?

He says, at the

clinic in the lobby.

I go, no, no, on me.

He goes, oh, in your mouth.

I go, so what's going

to happen in my mouth?

He says, they're going

to give you an endoscopy.

I go, and it just takes

place in my mouth?

He goes, yeah.

I go, they're not going to

touch my asshole, are they?

He said, do you want them

to touch your asshole?

No, they're not going

to touch your asshole.

I said, OK, doc, I just want to

confirm that this procedure is

strictly in my mouth.

He goes, that is correct.

I said, OK, I'm going to go.

But I swear to God, doc, if

they try and touch my asshole,

I'm coming back up here

and I'm fucking you up.

He goes, go, you idiot.

So I go.

Now here's the problem,

my doctor knows me.

He knows what kind

of person I am.

He knows I've been a

comedian for 30 years.

He knows how my brain works.

He knows how I have no filter.

See, comedians look at the

audience, we look at you guys

and go, those are civilians.

You guys are civilians.

You know how to do this,

sit around each other

and be normal.

Just sit around and go...

I don't... I don't have

that fucking filter.

I have to... as soon you

see... as soon as I walk out...

But these people in the clinic

don't know me like that,

so I can't go in and be me.

So I have to do my

impression of how I think you

would handle this situation.

So I walk up to the

clinic and I'm like, hi.

I'm here for my

endoscopy appointment.

It's in the mouth.

She goes, yes, sir.

We know where it is.

Please come around.

OK.

So I walk around and she

hands me a hospital gown.

And says, OK, sir,

just go down the hall,

take off your clothes, put

this on, and we'll get started.

I said, uh... um, I think

there's a misunderstanding here.

My doctor upstairs, he

told me that this procedure

just takes place in my mouth.

She goes, that's correct.

I go, oh, well, then

hang on to the gown.

Let's just go get started.

She goes, no, no, sir.

You have to... you

can't have your clothes

on when we do this procedure.

I said, that doesn't

make any sense.

Because if it's just my

mouth you need access to...

I'm not fighting you on this.

I'm not even blocking my mouth.

I'm here to help.

Pick a chin, which

one do you like?

I'll hold it down for you.

She's like, sir,

it's policy that

you cannot have

your street clothes

on when we do this procedure.

I said, you know, it's

funny you should say that,

because I, too, have a policy.

And my policy is that

I like as many layers

as possible protecting

my asshole at all times.

She said, sir, would you just

go put the fucking gown on.

I said, whoa, you swore.

All right.

So I go down to the change room.

And I'm standing there and

I'm buck ass naked, right?

And I start getting really

paranoid about my ass.

And then I get a brilliant idea.

I take the hospital gown

and I put it on backwards.

Smart, right?

Right?

To protect it.

But then I look down, my dick

is just swinging, just like...

Look, it's my story,

I'll make my penis as big

as I want it to be, all right?

It's India.

You're all, like, come on, bro.

That's not even believable, OK?

Not even on a humid day.

It's true, it was cold in

there too, you know, I just...

You know what I mean?

It was embarrassingly small.

It just looked like three

coins and a mushroom cap.

It was just terrible.

It was the worst.

Oh man.

You know what I mean, you

know what I mean, right?

You know what I mean?

Have you ever had it shrivel up

so much that you bend forward

and it inverts.

You're like, hey,

where did my dick go?

You're like dick, no

dick, dick, no dick.

My black security guys

never get that joke.

I don't get it.

If I bend forward, the

motherfucker hits the floor.

So I'm like, well,

this is embarrassing,

so I put the gown

on the right way.

And I walk back in the room.

And she goes, all right,

Mr. Peters, just hop up here

and we'll get started.

So I hop up on the

table, but I put

my ass right against the wall.

Because like I said,

I train jujitsu.

If you want to come at

me when I'm on my back,

it's your funeral, not mine.

And she goes, all right,

sir, just so you know,

during this procedure

we're going to be putting

you under using propofol.

I said, wait, wait

a minute, propofol?

Isn't that the shit that

killed Michael Jackson?

She goes, yes, yes it is.

I go, what do you

mean, yes, yes it is?

Why are you so happy about this?

It killed the biggest

pop star of my lifetime

and you think it's

just OK for me to take?

She said, sir, Michael

Jackson was having

an improperly administered.

I said, Michael Jackson

was having many things

improperly administered.

But wasn't his doctor's

name Dr. Conrad Murray?

Yes.

Wasn't he a doctor?

Yes.

Well, what's your title?

I'm an anesthesiologist.

I said, look, I don't care what

your zodiac sign is, all right?

I don't even know

what month that is.

She said, sir, my job is to

make sure you go to sleep

and wake up.

I say,.

I said that is a fine answer

and I will accept that.

She goes, great.

Please lay on your side.

I said no, no, no.

Why?

Why do I got to lay on my side?

I lay on my side,

you knock me out,

you lift up the dress,

you flip up a butt cheek,

you start stuffing

me like a turkey.

I'm not falling for

this trick, lady.

She said, sir, you need

to lay on your side

because when we give

you the propofol

you're going to pass out and

you're going to fall over.

And when you fall over,

you could hurt yourself.

So to avoid any injury, you need

to already start on your side.

I said, that is a fair answer.

She goes, great.

So I lay on my side,

but I tuck my ass

in real tight on the wall.

And she goes, why don't you

count down from five with us?

And I go, all right.

Five, four, thwump.

Out cold.

I don't know if any of you've

been put under at the doctor,

but...

Sir, have you been put

under at the doctor?

You're an older gentleman.

I mean, not older, but you know,

you're not these fucking kids,

you know what I mean?

What's your name?

Sandeep.

And how old are you Sandeep?

48.

48, we're the same age.

Same shit.

And have you been put

under at the doctor?

I got an endoscopy.

You

had an endoscopy?

"Endo-scope-y."

He had the "endo-scope-y."

And I had the

endoscopy, so I think...

Do you know if they gave you

propofol when they put you out?

No.

No, they

gave you the cheap shit?

Did they knock you

out when they did it?

No.

No?

All right, Sandeep, open wide.

Really?

You were awake?

Yeah.

Why didn't you spend the extra

$10 and get the fucking med?

Is it even possible to do

it when somebody is awake?

Oh my God.

It's ironic because all the

doctors in America are Indian.

And then in India,

they're like, fuck it,

we don't need all

these fancy tricks.

Open wind, Sandeep.

Were you 1970 or '71?

'71.

- '71.

So you're a year

younger than me.

But you know what's...

You know what I'm not

looking forward to,

next year I'll be 50.

And uh-uh, because you

know what happens at 50.

They've got to go with the old...

You know?

You know what I'm talking about?

I'm running out of noises,

Sandeep, all right?

Sir, how old are you?

Huh?

- 60.

Did you have the

old?

Not yet.

You haven't done it yet?

What the fuck are

you waiting for?

You're 60.

You gotta get your shit checked.

Here's the thing,

when I turned 40,

it's when you were supposed

to do it back then.

And then for some

reason as I turned 40,

there were like,

no, no, it's 50 now.

And I go, yes.

And I was like, I got 10

years before they're going

to shove a hand up my ass.

And I figured in that 10

years, they would come up

with some sort of technology.

Because in those 10 years they

got a fucking Rover to Mars.

India's got one circling Mars.

The Chinese have got

shit on the moon.

And no, 10 years

later, still ..

I'm still puzzled that you were

awake when this shit happened.

I can't imagine

how uncomfortable

that would have been.

Yeah, they knock you out

and they give you propofol.

Let me just too you something

about this propofol shit.

It's incredible.

I get it, Michael, I get it.

It's an amazing drug, and I'm

not a drug guy by any means.

It's not even my thing at all.

I drink a little,

but that's about it.

You know, but people come up

to after the shows all the time

and say, hey, Russell, you...

What?

You do blow?

What?

Coke?

You do cocaine?

Do I fucking look

like I do cocaine?

If I'm doing cocaine and

my face is still this fat,

I'm doing cocaine wrong.

Hey, give me another line, yeah.

Aw, oh!

No, I don't do cocaine.

Have you seen the

size of my nose?

You can't afford to do

cocaine with a nose this big.

You go broke after one try.

Wouldn't be able to do

lines, I'd have to do lanes.

It's not a reasonable

drug of choice.

Then why are you

always sniffing?

I'll tell you exactly.

I'm aware that I sniff a lot.

And I'll tell you

exactly why I sniff.

I used to box.

And when I was boxing,

I broke my nose.

But I didn't know I broke my

nose, so it never got fixed.

And of course I

would've broken my nose.

It's been literally 30 years

since I've broken my nose,

but I didn't know.

Because I thought a broken

nose looked like a broken nose.

I thought it was like

the guys in my gym

where there was

nothing then a nub.

And they're like,

what's up, champ?

I didn't know.

I just thought I

was a bleeder when I

would get punched in the face.

Last year is when I found out.

I went to the doctor

last year, because I

was having trouble breathing.

I go, hey, doc, I'm

having trouble breathing.

He goes, what's the problem?

I go, like, one nostril works

and then the other one doesn't.

And then when the other

one stops working,

the other one starts working.

It's like there's

a flap in there.

Like a train, you know, local,

express, local, express.

He goes, have you

ever broke your nose?

I said, no.

He said, you sure?

I said, doc, I'm not an idiot.

Pretty sure I'd know

if I broke my nose.

He said, didn't you

tell me you used to box?

I said, yeah.

He goes, so wait, you used to

box and you never broke that?

I said, doc, I

never broke my nose.

He goes, wait, hold

on a second, you're

trying to tell me you

were so good at boxing

that you managed to avoid

breaking the biggest

fucking thing on your body?

I say, I'm telling you,

I never broke my nose.

He goes, if you never broke

that fucking nose in boxing,

you should have a 10

world titles by now.

I said, I never broke it.

He goes, lean forward,

you fucking idiot.

So I lean forward.

He goes like this, yeah,

your nose is broken.

I go, how do you know that?

He goes, because I'm a doctor.

Yeah, but how can you tell?

He goes, because

it's not connected.

I go, if it's not connected,

why didn't it fall off?

He goes, you're a fucking idiot.

He goes, look, nobody's nose

should move around like this.

I shouldn't be able

to move it around,

and double click, and order

shit off Amazon from your face.

This is not a normal nose.

I go, that's a broken nose?

He goes, yeah, what

did you think it was?

OK, don't judge me, all right?

This is actually what

I thought this was.

And understand I've been

a comedian for 30 years

and I have a creative mind.

Here's really what

I thought this was.

You know how humans...

This is how you know

it's going to be dumb...

You know how humans are

an ever evolving species?

Like, if you looked at

humans from 10,000 years ago,

you go, what the

fuck were those?

Well in 10,000 years, those

humans are going to look at us

and go, what the

fuck were those?

Well, so because of

evolution and my own ego,

I thought that I was evolving

at a faster rate than you.

And that my body, to

accommodate the larger nose,

had developed some sort of

joint hinge system in here

to alleviate the weight.

I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

He goes, you're

fucking retarded.

I said, doc, you actually

cannot say that anymore.

What?

That you're fucking retarded?

Yeah, you can't say

retarded anymore, doctor.

No, I can say it.

No, you can't, because

it's offensive to people.

I'm not talking about anybody

else, I'm talking about you.

You're a fucking retard.

And I go, no, doc, you

can't say retard or retarded

at all anymore.

He goes, I'm not talking about

anybody, I'm talking about you.

And as a matter of fact, I'm

putting it in your notes.

I said, you're putting in

my notes that I'm a retard?

He goes, no, I'm putting

that you're a fucking retard.

He goes, lean forward.

I lean forward.

He goes, let me

show you something.

I lean forward.

He goes like this.

OK, now breathe.

And I go.

Oh, that's amazing.

What did you do?

He goes, I attached your nose.

This is awesome.

He goes, I can fix it and

you can breathe like that

for the rest of your life.

I was like, yes,

please, let's do that.

He goes, you've got

to make an appointment

and then you need three

weeks where you can't fly.

Well, I don't have three

weeks where I can't fly

so I haven't had it fixed yet.

But now I'm scared to

get it fixed in case

I end up looking like a pig.

And then all my Muslim friends

don't come and see me anymore,

because they're like,

he looks like a pig, we

cannot go see him any longer.

I do this out of

respect for my friends.

Let's get back to this propofol.

Sandeep, you got to

get this propofol.

You've just got to go back

and tell them, listen,

I think you need to

check again and give

me some goddamn propofol.

Because if they give

me the bullshit stuff

you wake up feeling

kind of groggy.

Propofol, not at all.

I literally woke up like

this, whew, let's do this.

She goes, we're done, sir.

I go, you're done?

How long was I out for?

Two or three hours?

She goes, 15 minutes, sir.

I said, in 15 minutes I could

have saved a bunch of money

by switching to Geico.

She said, you can

go get dressed.

So I go get dressed and

I come back in the room.

And she goes, all right, Mr.

Peters, we're all done here.

Just so you know,

in about an hour,

you're probably

going to notice you

have a bit of a sore throat.

I said, what the fuck

did you do to me?

She said, sir, it's the

most common side effect.

You know, we shoved a

tube down your throat

which may cause some

irritation or some swelling.

About 98% of the patients

will suffer from that.

So if and when that happens,

just take an ibuprofen

and you'll feel better.

I said, are you sure

that's all you did?

She said, I'm positive.

I said, you didn't touch

my asshole, did you?

She said, what?

I said, what?

And I walked out.

An hour goes by and

then two hours goes by

and I go into a panic because

I do not have a sore throat.

I'm like, oh my God, I've

got the throat of a gay man.

Somewhere out there

is a gay guy going,

oh my God, these dicks

are killing my throat.

And here I am with all

those wasted talent.

I could have been

guzzling dick all day.

I'm the envy of a community.

Is that your wife

with you, Sandeep?

- Yes.

- Hi, wife.

How are you?

Do you guys have kids?

How many?

- Two.

Two.

Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl?

- Boy.

Boy and girl.

One of each.

Are you happy with that?

Absolutely.

Is that the reason you

went dry on the endoscopy?

Because she was

like, if I'm going

to squeeze children

out of here, you're

going to take a dry endoscopy.

My advice to anybody if

you're going to have kids,

have a daughter.

Daughters are the best.

They just...

They really are.

I have my daughter

and I have a son.

He's a month and a half old.

He's brand new, so he's

not very smart yet.

But I don't think he's

going to get much smarter.

He's not... boy, he's dumb.

Boy, this kid's fucking dumb.

Like, you know when they're

that small, like, everything is

a tit that comes to his face.

You know... I go to

kiss him, he's like...

Hey, fuck off, that's my

nose, get out of here.

You ever get a nipple this big,

you need to check the check,

because that's something

weird going on there.

My girlfriend's Mexican.

And I didn't realize how

Mexican she was until she

went into labor and

they broke her water

and candy fell out of her.

Do you realize my son

is Mexican and Indian?

He's going to be able

to engineer the wall.

And hop it.

He's going to steal

your laptop and fix it.

It's going to be an

amazing thing to see.

How old are your kids?

22 and 19.

Man, you did all

this shit young.

That's crazy.

I mean, that's great.

I did it way too late.

You think about it, I'm 49.

When my son starts

walking, we're going

to be walking the same way.

I waited too long.

Do you remember your

first pregnancy?

You remember it clearly?

Do you remember how

many months it took

you before you started to show?

Probably about

four to six, maybe?

Yeah, it's usually

about that, right?

Four to six months on your

first pregnancy, the woman

starts to show.

My girlfriend, she started

the show after one month.

It was like,.

I'm like, what the

fuck is going on?

How many?

How many motherfuckers

are in there right now?

I took her straight

to the doctor.

I need to know many

heartbeats you hear, doctor.

How many heartbeats do you hear?

There was just one,

but I got so scared.

Because twins at

this age, fuck that.

Anybody here have

twins or is a twin?

You have them or you are?

- Boys.

I have boys.

You have twin boys?

And apparent...

- But they are younger.

I'm sorry?

And apparently your sunglasses

didn't come with instructions.

This side of my

head is very cool.

That's only because you pulled

your pag lower, that's all.

You have twin boys?

- Yes.

- Identical?

- Yes.

Oh, see, that's twins.

What did you name?

Did you give them fun names?

Gouldet and Harlet.

Gouldet and Harlet?

Yeah.

It sounds like you're stealing

something and putting it away.

Gouldet and Harlet, please.

Identical twins.

That's the only people that I

think should be called twins.

Can you tell them apart?

Yes.

Do

they were pags too?

No.

One has dimples.

One has dimples?

And the other one has...

Doesn't have.

Oh.

Yeah, I figured.

One has dimples, the

other one, doesn't have.

Identical twins,

those are the only...

I hate when people tell

me, yeah, I got twins.

What do you got?

I got a boy and a girl.

That's not fucking twins ever.

What you got are two kids

with the same birthday.

Women call their

breasts the twins.

Have you ever had a

woman go, so would

you like to see the twins?

If she opened her shirt and

an elbow on an ankle fell out,

you'd be like, uh...

There's something

wrong with your twins.

Identical twins are the only

people that should be twins.

And I started getting scared

when I thought my girlfriend

was going to have twins.

But I started

settling into the idea

because I started thinking

of names for identical twins.

I was like, if I

have twin girls...

Because you've got to

have fun with the names.

If I have twin girls, these

are going to be my daughters,

it's going to be

Kate and Duplicate.

These are my boys,

it's Pete and Repeat.

If I had twins

with a black girl,

this is Tyrone and Tyclone.

Identical twins, that's like

bragging rights for you,

you know I mean.

That's your way of going, look.

Look at how good my balls are.

Look, look.

Or because you're Punjabi, look

at how good my junk they are.

Looks at this.

Look at how good my balls are.

My balls are so strong,

they made one kid

and then it made the

exact same kid right away.

You lift up your balls,

Russell Peters: Deported (2020) - full transcript