Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies (2009) Movie Script

(# Kasabian: Club Foot)

(Cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen...

please welcome to the stage...

Russell Howard!

(Cheering)

Hello!

Well!

Well, well, well!

That was a fairly nice welcome.

Thank you very much!

l love it here. l love Brighton, it's fantastic.

What l love is how people go,

''Fuckin' watch out! lt's full of poofs.''

''And?''

''They'll get you!''

- ''They'll get me?''

- (Laughter)

''They're gays, not ninjas.

- ''They're not gonna...''

- (Laughter)

''..leap out of the window, bum me and

escape on a death slide, l'll be all right.''

- lt's not like that!

- (Laughter)

You don't drive into Brighton and have gay

men banging their wangs against your car.

Stop it, you beasts! (Honks)

Stop it!

# l am what l am!

Cock-waggling bastards!

(Laughter)

There's just a few of them

and they're very nice.

l like it here. You had a good day?

How's Brighton? ls it fun?

What's the best thing about Brighton?

- (Man) Leaving!

- Leaving?

(Laughter)

Well, it's gonna be a lovely gig

when the crowd are funnier than l am!

''l'll deal with this everybody.

Leavin'. Have that.

''l'm Terry. l don't fuck around

with my heckles. l just get the job done!''

(Laughter)

- What do you do, mate?

- l'm a sales manager.

Oh, you're up there?

What do you sell? How aggressive.

''Whatever they fuckin' want.

That's what l sell.

''Oi! Old lady!''

''Yes?''

''You're gonna buy an iPhone, all right?''

''Yes.''

''You're gonna buy five of them.''

''OK.''

She's quite a crippled old lady.

You son of a bitch!

- What do you sell?

- Mercedes.

Mercedes?

- Do you fuck! Look at you!

- (Laughter)

''Mercedes!'' That's just the name

of one of your prostitutes.

''Mercedes, Debonair...''

The Brighton pimp.

''She's Mercedes.

''She'll wank you off and give you

a Ferrero Rocher and pop it up your arse.''

- (Laughter)

- Bit much that, bit much.

You all looked so...

''Ah! No, l don't think so.

''We don't put Ferrero Rochers up people...''

Has anyone ever had that?

As if you'd admit to it on a DVD.

''l'm doing it now! Oh!''

l've often thought, sexually, it'd be quite nice,

you know when water's in your ear...

l'll start the gig in a minute by the way.

You know when water leaves your ear?

lt's one of those rare moments in life

you don't give a shit you're like... Ah! Oh!

lmagine having sex

whilst water was leaving your ear.

How good would that feel? Ah! Ah!

You'd have to tell your partner.

That would really freak him out

if you start...

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Here come the latecomers.

- Just one man on his own.

- (Booing)

And look at the way you're

holding your hands like that, just...

You've got T-shirts on that say

''l love Russell'', girls. That's...

Yep, OK, it's quite nice.

(Laughter)

A little bit weird at the same time.

And, lucky, you're sat next to the nutters!

There you go!

''We've done drawings of him and

we've made little Russells out of pineapple.''

Why were you late? Please don't

make it anything bad. What happened?

- Why were you late?

- l'm just late.

- ''Nothing, l'm just late. Deal with it.''

- (Laughter)

''You're not my real dad. Grow up.

''l had to mow my plentiful lawn.

Fuck you, Howard, and all you stand for.''

Just edging, before... Rrrrr!

''l'll be there when l'm there, OK?''

What do you do?

l like you. l like your confidence.

''l was just late, Russ.''

What were you doing?

What made you late?

- Drinking.

- Lovely stuff! Excellent!

''Bollocks!

l've gotta go see that dick, haven't l?''

''Yeah, yeah, l'll go, l'll go.''

''Just one more.''

''All right, one more.

What's the worst that can happen?

''Oh! l'm on a DVD.

''Shit.''

(Applause)

Don't matter.

Pleasure to have you here, man.

l've forgotten what l was talking about.

That's a bit awkward.

Look at you! Lovely! You did that!

What do you do, mate,

when not bellowing like a town crier?

''Hear, hear! Over there

you'll find Mercedes, good girl, good girl.''

(Laughter)

- What do you do, mate?

- Bus driver.

Are you really?

Hence why you did that. ''Everybody off!''

Everyone off quite camply, apparently.

(Breathily) ''Thanks, bus driver.''

What's your favourite stop?

You don't have one,

you treat every one with respect. That's fine.

Have you ever...

(Quietly) Hey, let's be honest.

Have you ever just braked a little bit hard

when you've seen an old lady in the middle?

''That was a fairly rubbish day.

l'm approaching a roundabout.''

So lovely, innit? Just the entire bus

full of stamps and Werther's Originals.

Just Horlicks in your face. Bfff!

Has to be an old lady, weirdly, doesn't it?

Look at you!

''Yes, it does, actually. Yeah, that's er...

''That's bus driving standard.

lf an old woman sits there, it is on.''

Yes, lovely. Well, this is gonna be

clearly quite a good gig.

Well done, you, for being interesting.

Anything else before l start the show?

- (Woman) Whoo!

- Just one...

Oh! That was lovely!

One whoo and one woman, ''No!''

(Laughter)

''l've come here for material. l haven't

come here to listen about bus natter, OK?''

l like bus... l like trains.

l like watching ladies on trains,

which sounds pervier than l wanted it...

l don't cover myself in coats

and wait for them.

Ladies!

Not like that.

l like watchin' 'em fall asleep. ls there

a lovelier thing in the world? (Groans)

Especially when they get the wobbly head.

And when you get snippets of dream,

is there a lovelier thing than that?

(Yells) ''Helicopter!''

''Willy Wonka, never again! Who?''

''Poundland!''

l was watching this the other day,

it was so lovely, l was on this train...

l don't know why... ''Train!''

There were four women and they looked

after one who was getting the wobbly head.

''Cover her up, she's dribbling a bit.

''Come on, sisters, let's get together

and look after her. Our fallen princess.''

l'm sat there going, ''You do not get

that treatment if you're a man, do you?''

''l'm definitely going, lads.

Look after me if l pass out.''

''Yeah. On your way, dickhead,

on your way.

''Right, he's out cold.

Gentlemen, let's go to work.

''Shave his eyebrows,

put his hand down his trousers,

''give me his phone, text his mum,

'l am gay', send...

''l do believe this is our stop.

Everybody off quietly.

''Wait for the train to pull out,

knock on the window. Yah!''

That's what happens if you're a man

and l speak as a man

who's arrived at Paddington Station

with the word ''paedo'' on his face.

(Laughter)

l did. Spelt with two Es.

That's what really annoyed me!

''You spelt it wrong!''

''You'd know!''

''That doesn't mean anything!''

''l can spell the word 'goose',

l'm not out laying an egg!''

Walking around London

like a Chuckle Brother, that's not good!

That's one of the world's mysteries.

How did the Chuckle Brothers

become children's entertainers?

You wouldn't let 'em

near your children, would you?

Especially that gimpy one...

''Hello!''

Looks like he spends his entire life

sniffing trampolines.

(Laughter, groaning)

''To me, to you!''

''Get the fuck out of my garden!''

(Laughter)

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Walking around with ''paedo'' on your face.

l would get bullied all the time.

l used to get bullied when l was little.

Really badly,

cos l had a lazy eye

and l've had an operation

but it's still bad if l look at the camera.

l used to get picked on...

''Look at him.

''He's obsessed with his nose!''

(Laughter)

''Who said that?

Which one of you said that?''

And l went to my dad for advice.

l used to cry a lot,

- l looked like a Picasso in the rain, and...

- (Laughter)

''Dad, l need advice.''

''Over here, son.''

''Well, stop moving then.''

He did that thing, has anyone ever

been offered advice from your dad...

lt's never like, ''Brick in their face,

this'll deal with it.'' lt's always like,

''Well, son, if you say this to the bullies

they'll bully you no more. Hmm! Hmm!''

Never works.

l cringe every time l think about this.

Me, aged ten, stood in front of these bullies

going, ''Bullies, how can my eye be lazy...

''when it wanders around so freely?''

(Laughter)

''l think you'll find l've got

an imaginative eye. Hmm! Hmm! Hmm!

''As you were. You've been

dealt with linguistically. Boo yeah!''

They kicked the shit out of me that day.

''Get him! lmaginative eye!''

l really wish l could travel back in time.

''Don't worry, little man. ln the future

this is going to be mildly amusing.''

''Who are you!?''

''l'm you from the future!''

''Well, make 'em stop then!''

''Sorry, l need new material for my DVD.''

''lf one of you could dress up as a clown

and rape him,

''that would really finish this bit.''

(Laughter)

l'm not a time travelling rapist,

l'll be honest.

Although, l...

Not although!

(Laughter)

But l was on about time travel the other day,

this lady in Manchester...

l'll ask you the same question.

Where would you travel if you could

travel back in time? Where would you go?

- Fair enough.

- (Laughter)

No? No answers?

(Overlapping calls)

- Did somebody say Jupiter?

- (Laughter)

You can still go to Jupiter.

lt's not time-specific, it's distance-specific.

Who the fuck is your science teacher?

No, this lady in Manchester, it was brilliant.

l said, ''lf you could travel back anywhere,

where would you travel?''

and this woman went, ''Jesus' time''.

Now, there was a lady who

doesn't fuck around with numbers.

But it made me think,

when we think about Jesus, l bet you Jesus,

if you met him, he was a right player.

Can you imagine? ln a crowd of this size.

''Oh no! Shit!

We got no food, have we?

''Just got this fish and bread!

''What we gonna do?

What's Jesus gonna do?

''He's gonna do this.''

Whoomph!

Fish and bread everywhere. He's like that,

''Fuckin' line up the prostitutes.

''Bam! Bam! Bam!

''Keep that out the book, it's Jesus time.''

- (Laughter, applause)

- l'll bet he was a right hound.

Applauding the mere idea

of Jesus doing that.

Bsh! Bsh! l bet he was! Constantly!

''D'you see that? Bit o' magic.

There you go. D'you know who my dad is?''

l doubt he did that, let's be honest.

Nobody's ever done that!

''D'you know who my dad is?''

Nobody's ever said that.

Unless it's a particularly

X-rated version of Oliver Twist.

''l just don't know who he is.

''Water in my ear!'' (Groans)

That bloke's off. Oh no!

l feel really bad now...

(Woman) lt's just two pints!

- lt's just two what, love?

- Two pints.

lt's two pints?

l'll be honest,

l don't understand the heckle. lt's lovely.

Are you implying that two pints of lager is on

or they've had two pints

and they now need a wee?

They need two pints?

Right.

What's goin' on now?

l'll be honest, l don't know.

Feels like l'm being mocked

by a pub landlady, it's a lovely feeling.

''Two pints.''

''l don't know what you're on about.''

''Have a go on them, seriously, have a go

on them. Do you want a beer or not?''

''l'd quite like a beer.''

''Touch 'em. Touch 'em.''

''Get out me pub.''

(Gasps)

l met Jonathan Ross recently.

l was in a toilet backstage, he bursts in

and goes, ''You're thingamajig, aren't you?''

And l panicked and went,

''l can be whoever you want me to be.''

Oh! l said that out loud.

(Applause)

We're the same. l drift into situations,

l'm an awkward fucker.

l went to the Darwin exhibition recently

at the National History Museum.

- Has anyone been?

- Yeah!

There was some whooping over there!

How lovely.

What was your favourite bit about it?

(Girl) Er... All of it.

OK, fine. Fair enough.

''Brain?''

''Er... All of it.''

l liked his handwriting,

Charles Darwin's handwriting,

it's properly squiggly-wiggly.

Obviously that wasn't how they said it.

(Posh accent) ''You'll find the handwriting

is particularly squiggly-wiggly.

''And, oh, look! A butty-wutty-fly!''

(Laughter)

But l was obsessed by his handwriting

and l was gonna take a pho...

(Laughter)

What sort of fuckin' run is that?

(Wolf-whistle)

- Like a fuckin' hobgoblin! What was that?

- (Laughter)

What happened to you in the toilets?

''Two pints!''

What?

That's without doubt the best run

l've ever seen back into a gig.

''Oh dear.

''Well, l've started running like this.

''lf l get as low as possible

l am invisible.''

Aw! You were the kid at school

who used to hide behind the lamppost.

''Good luck findin' me.''

(Laughter)

You weren't allowed

a real instrument at school, were you?

# Kumbaya, my lord! #

Bangin' your head.

lt's fine, everyone's welcome.

Are you all right now? Are you settled?

Thumbs up. What happened?

Was there a...

Don't say ''two pints'' again.

Please don't say this.

l haven't even started the fucking gig yet!

- Go on.

- (Man) You met Jonathan Ross!

l met Jonathan Ross?

l know l met Jonathan Ross!

Look at people trying to help me!

How lovely is that?

''Russell! You met Jonathan Ross!

''Christ! He's off-piste! He's off-piste!''

(Laughter)

''Somebody make him some soup!''

How lovely are you? Normally, ''Fuck off!''

''Russell! You were edging your way

back towards the Darwin museum!

''Stay on target! For the love of the maker,

stay on target!''

l was in the Darwin museum and l had

an incident with a nine-year-old girl.

- That's what l wanted to tell you, because...

- (Laughter)

Wait!

l was taking this photo

because his handwriting obsessed me,

because with Charles Darwin you assume

a neatness of the mind, don't you?

But his handwriting was all over the shop.

l thought, ''Havin' a go on that.''

lt said ''No photos'',

l thought, l don't give a shit,

l'm gonna take one, show it to my mates.

They'll love that.

''''Ere you are. Look at his handwriting.

lnnit all over the shop?''

- ''Er, yeah. Er...''

- (Laughter)

''Be honest, Russ, we'd rather look

at lesbian porn but this is absolutely fine.''

They're obsessed with it, my mates,

just makes me laugh.

Honestly, l don't know if you've ever seen

two ladies on the end of a double dildo

but for me it's one of the funniest

things imaginable, isn't it?

lt looks like they're on a see-saw,

it's as simple as that.

''This is lovely, this!''

You can't help but imagine a third

sexual partner just out of camera shot

on one of those weird rides

you used to get...

(Laughter)

But then l have an odd sense of humour.

l'll give you an example.

l found myself laughing,

full-on laughing,

at my genitals in the bath, right?

l was...

Has any man ever done that?

l was there glaring at my knackers...

Glaring's the wrong word,

it wasn't a showdown!

- But...

- (Laughter)

l was looking at them,

giggling like an idiot,

cos it struck me for the first time

that my balls looked a little bit like bearded

survivors from some form of shipwreck.

l'm not proud of this.

lt made me laugh,

which made my nuts jump up and down

and then l started giving them voices,

l don't know why.

''We've drifted for so long!''

''l miss my wife!''

Giggling like an idiot, and then l had

this feeling of fear come over me

which was, ''Have l locked the door?''

Can you imagine that?

lf your mum caught you engaged

in some form of scrotal pantomime?

''How long have you been there?''

''Long enough, Russ.

''Long enough to see my oldest son

sing Celine Dion at his penis.''

l'm awkward, l always will be. So l was

at the Darwin exhibition, taking a photo.

From nowhere, this girl comes up to me.

She's nine.

''What are you doing?''

l forgot how to talk.

Has anyone ever had that?

l should have gone,

''Just back off. l'm taking a photo.

''Deal with it. l'm 29 years old.''

But l didn't, l went... (Groans)

Have you ever got like that?

Sometimes you get it in a lift.

Someone says, ''What floor?''

and you're like... (Groans)

''Shit! l've forgotten how to talk.''

So you overcompensate. ''Five!''

Now they think you're fuckin' backward.

''Five!''

And the temptation is always

to act up in a lift, innit?

(Groans)

''You smell like my fourth victim!

''Number six, please!''

Took a photo, showed it to her.

''Delete it.''

''l don't wanna delete it.''

''l'm telling the man.''

''Don't tell the man.''

So, in the middle of the Darwin exhibition,

l had to scamper back,

show her, show her that l'd deleted it,

in the Darwin exhibition,

l went, ''l've deleted it.'' She walks off.

Now what l should have done

was punched her in the face,

taken a photo of it and gone,

''Survival of the fittest.'' But...

(Laughter)

My brain gave me that information

three days later.

''Russell, it's your brain here. Just like to

point out how you can out-weird that child.''

''l'm in Tesco now!''

l was offered a bag for life

in Tesco the other day.

- l can't commit to that.

- (Laughter)

l don't know what bags

are gonna be like in the future.

l'll feel like a dick

if l've got a plastic one in 2024.

''My bag packs itself and speaks Spanish.''

''Piece of shit! What can you do?''

''l can suffocate a child.''

''That's all you're good for.''

(Laughter)

l'm always doing it. Sometimes you do

things, you got no idea why you're doing it.

For example,

you get a cold can of Diet Coke.

lt's not enough for you to go,

''That's freezing''.

You have to find somebody you love

and put it on their head.

You can't not do it, can you? (Grunts)

You don't do that with any other food.

''This soup's boiling. ln your eyes!''

For some reason

you become a fizzy torturer.

''All right, Mum?

Fanta to the knees!''

''Argh!''

''Dad! Holidays are comin'!

Holidays are comin'! Holidays are comin'!''

We're all connected weirdly

by odd things we do.

We all laugh at stuff we shouldn't do

sometimes. Like l was at the zoo...

You know those things where you think,

''Shouldn't be laughing, too late. Ha-ha!''

A friend of mine

works in the psychiatric ward.

Patient the other day, walking along,

threw some drinks at the wall.

My friend said, ''Why did you do that?''

This bloke went, ''God told me to do it.''

Apparently a bloke sat in his pyjamas

went, ''l said no such thing!''

(Laughter)

You can't help it.

You're only a human,

you have to let the giggles out.

l had a lovely one at the zoo recently

in Sydney, where it was great.

And, er... l really like zoos, erm...

''Really?''

''Yeah.''

People get... ''Oh my God!

How could you go to the zoo, Russ?

''They keep those animals caged up!

''Why don't you just fucking

put a cigarette out on a polar bear?''

''Thickhead, it's a monkey!''

We all want to be happy and we're

all gonna die, now back off, you know?

l've got no time for any of that.

These people, they normally kinda

wear flip-flops even though it's raining.

''Ugh! Deal with it! l've got a Che Guevara

T-shirt on and l've got some beads. Meh!''

And they say things like,

they're always like,

''You know, girls,

with all the trouble in the universe

''l'm not sure l could bring

a child into this world.''

Oh really?! Cos your penis

is linked to world misery, is it?

(Laughter)

''Jenny, stop kissing my cock,

somebody's been mugged in Peru.

''l'm coming, Rodrigo, l'm coming!''

Fuck off! These idiots.

''l don't own a TV.''

Doesn't make you better than me,

it just makes you a weirdo.

(Laughter)

You're missing out on The lnbetweeners

and the Compare the Meerkat advert

- and both of those things...

- (Applause, cheering)

..make you mental.

Feel the excitement!

lsn't it amazing?

We're gonna look back at the recession

and go, ''Do you know what got us through?

''A meerkat dressed up in a stately home...

''looking at us, tilting his head

and going 'Simples!''' (Kisses)

That was it!

That was enough, you know?

So l was at the zoo and this brilliant bloke,

Australians are fuckin' hilarious,

this bloke was like, ''Couple of years ago...''

And they don't know they're being funny.

(Australian accent) ''Couple of years ago

some bloke got into the lion enclosure

''and tried to read the Bible to the lions.''

(Laughter)

- ''They fuckin' killed him.''

- (Laughter)

''lt's a bloody long book.'' lmplying that

that was the reason why they did it!

''Well this is dragging.''

''lt's too preachy. lt's too preachy.''

''l prefer Catcher ln The Rye.

Shall we munch his nuts?''

You have to laugh. My favourite ever

of ''belly laugh from nowhere'' moments.

A girl in our school called Lydia

was trying to make her calculator work.

She was repeatedly knocking it,

not that seductively,

but she was trying to make her calculator

work by knocking it against the desk.

Mr McDonald, our teacher,

went, ''Lydia! How would you like it

''if l banged you against the desk?!''

Oh!

The greatest day of school!

We laughed for three years.

''Stop laughing, children!''

''We can't stop laughing.''

Things make you laugh

and if they do, fuck it!

l was on the train the other day.

We went through a place called

Didcot Ladygrove, and my friend went...

- (Laughter)

- Exactly. l was laughing already.

Then my friend topped it by going,

''l bet you money that's

what the Queen calls her vagina.''

(Laughter)

(Applause)

What a thing to say!

But when you think about it, she probably

does! She's got a sense of humour.

l bet if she's bored at a function,

her and Philip have this lovely code.

''Philip? Philip!

''Hey, Big P, Big P.''

(Sniggers)

''Mother's talking. Big P, Big P.

''Check it, check it, man. Check it.

''Would you like to visit Didcot Ladygrove?''

''For real, baby, for real.

''And when we're done with that

we'll visit Walton-on-the-Marsh.''

''Son of a bitch!''

l bet they've got a lovely lifestyle.

She must have a sense of humour,

she's married to him.

How easy's his job?

Bangin' her and being racist. l could do that.

''There you go, Liz. Chinky-winky-woo!''

The royal family are amazing, aren't they?

Prince Harry.

lt's really extraordinary

cos a lot of us love him.

l quite like the bloke.

He has that kind of...

The Sun newspaper

can't make their mind up about Harry.

One minute he's a ''war hero'',

next minute, ''racist!'' Make your mind up.

''We don't mind him killin' foreigners

but don't call 'em names.''

(Laughter)

We like him because Prince Harry

has the Boris Johnson X factor, doesn't he?

lt doesn't matter what you think

about Johnson politically,

you'd love to go on the piss with him.

You'd end up in a nature reserve

with Johnson going, ''Fucking come on,

let's paint an elephant with Tipp-Ex.''

(Laughter)

You'd be behind him with a hole punch.

''Coming, Boris!''

''Ha! Ha! Ha! Ring a ring a roses!''

lt's the same with Harry, we love him.

He's done so many things

that we're meant to be appalled by,

he might as well have a weekly show

called These Are The Things l've Done,

and we'd watch it

just to see him go, ''Yeah, man.

''l made a pube beard

and l Sellotaped it to a swan. Big wow, OK?

''Big fucking wow, Britain! Huh?

''Next week l'm gonna light my farts

and teabag a gibbon. Come on over!

- ''Ha! Ha! Ha! lt's Harry time!''

- (Laughter)

We'd watch it!

He's brilliant!

He's ferociously stupid.

That's why we like him.

lt's the same as Susan Boyle. That was

the whole beauty, the fact that she was mad.

She may as well just have wandered on,

rubbed shit in her face and gone, ''Ha!''

and we'd have still voted for her.

''l'm dangerously ill!''

''Sing it, bitch!''

(Laughter)

We like Harry because he's thick.

Proper stupid, it's brilliant.

Think about it,

most of us went to comprehensives,

he had a hundred grand

spent on his education. lmagine that.

Hundred grand, he went to Eton,

the finest education money can buy.

He got two A levels,

one is an E in geography, one is a B in Art.

Can you imagine that? lf your dad has

spent a hundred grand on your education?

''l done a drawing

and l sort of know what a hill is.''

Slap, slap, slap for you!

The media really ramp things up

that we don't give a shit about,

like the Daily Express headline the

other day, ''Swearing is the blight of Britain.''

Well, it's not, is it? And if it is,

we're really not doing that badly.

l doubt there's anyone in Gaza

dodging white phosphorous,

going, ''This is horrific, this is so bad.''

''lt could be worse, apparently a lady in

Rochester heard a man say cunt in Asda.''

(Laughter)

There's things to care about.

Luckily we're evolved and we don't

really give a shit about many things.

Swine flu, nobody cared. lt's been upgraded

to class 6, we still don't give a shit.

When swine flu first... Although it'll be

quite funny if, when this DVD is released,

everyone's died of swine flu.

- Just one bloke, ''Very funny, dickhead.''

- (Laughter)

''Very funny indeed!

''l speak to you from the future.

''(Oinks) l speak to you from...''

(Laughter)

We weren't worried.

When swine flu first came out

we imagined just walking into a doctor's

surgery holding a pig wearing a sombrero.

D'you reckon any kids

have tried to bunk off school

by going,

''Mum, l've definitely got swine flu.''

''Well, you haven't, have you, Tom?

You've got bacon on your face.''

(Laughter)

l read this horrible story...

there's too much fear in the world.

l read this story the other day

that some parents

have started buying their kids stab vests

to go to school with.

As if your first day isn't terrifying enough!

''Let's just pop your stab vest on.''

''Where am l going?!''

''To a place of learning. There you go.

l like you, they probably won't.

''There you go. You're a lion!

''They're gonna stab you and l'm fine with

that cos Loose Women's on. There you go.''

How fear-mongering's that?

''Before you go to school, here's

a cyanide pill in case you get cornered

''and a bomb-proof pencil case,

''best pop a mouse trap up your arse

in case your teacher's a wrong 'un.

''On your way.''

(Laughter, applause)

Too much, isn't it?

Too much!

Let 'em just fucking go to school.

All we had was wedgies!

Too much. Like North Korea.

Christ alive! Terrifying.

You got this pensioner

testing nuclear weapons underground.

How paranoid is that?

Calm down, North Korea.

''We need to defend ourselves.''

''Nobody wants to get you.

You're gonna be fine.''

That's like Ann Widdecombe

buying a rape alarm.

You're gonna be absolutely fine.

Jesus Christ!

And talking of our MPs,

we just don't like them, do we?

Like the MPs expenses.

What was your opinion of that?

- (Man) Cunts!

- ''Cunts'' said the man at the back.

- l think that's pretty much the opinion.

- (Applause)

That should have been

the front cover of the Sun, ''Cunts''.

Just you leaning out your van like that.

That's how we felt.

One MP claimed 23p for a lemon.

Fuck! How cheap do you have to be?

l'll give you the lemon myself,

you pikey shit!

23p for a lemon?

People claming for moats, for tennis courts,

for lawnmowers, for swimming pools!

''lt's legal, it's legal.''

So's waking your nan up dressed as Hitler,

just don't do it.

''Meaarghh!

''Make me jelly, bitch!''

''Ja, mein Fuhrer! Ja!''

You're allowed to do a lot of things,

just have some moral decorum!

And then on top of this you get idiots going,

''Makes you wanna vote BNP, dunnit?''

Not really! Not in any way!

Where's the link there?

(Northern accent) ''Cos that bloke's

had his moat cleaned and l've paid for it.

''He's left me with no option

but to become a racist.''

(Laughter)

- Has he? How does that work?

- (Applause)

''Moat: cleaned out. Me: racist.

There's an obvious link there.''

There is no link. That's like watching

somebody mow their lawn and going,

''l'm off to punch Ainsley Harriott

in the face.''

''l've cut Kris Akabusi up

and put him in my bin.''

''What the fuck have you done that for?''

''l seen a bloke eating a cake!''

There is no link. They'd still claim,

luckily they'll never get in power,

but they would still claim, wouldn't they?

lt wouldn't be $500 for horse manure,

it'd be 20 grand to have the white cliffs

of Dover engraved with the words ''fuck off''.

(Laughter)

You know what l mean?

it's just kind of...

We don't like our MPs,

it comes down to that. We want change.

lt's because Barack Obama's so...

just brilliant.

You're looking at him across a river going...

(Tuts) ''Aw! Can we...''

(Laughter)

lt's like looking at your dad who's a bit fat

and going...

(Sighs)

- ''l'd like that dad, actually.''

- (Laughter)

He's brilliant, isn't he? l tell you what, you

know when someone's beloved of the world

when they get away

with a disabled joke on telly.

That is true power.

And nobody gave a shit.

Did you see it on Jay Leno? There was

a laugh over there, you obviously saw it.

Jay Leno went,

''You're pretty good at bowling.''

Barack Obama:

''Yeah, in a sort of Special Olympics way.''

Everyone went, ''Don't worry about it.

lt's fine. He's lovely.''

Fuck! lmagine if Gordon Brown

had said that, or David Cameron!

We'd have thrown disabled people at him!

''Fuckin' arsehole!

Pass me Stephen Hawking.''

(Mimics Hawking) ''Aim for his eyes.''

- lt's what we'd have done.

- (Applause)

l don't know whether you're applauding

because you like the sentiment

or the mere idea of slinging

Stephen Hawking at people.

Just loading him in a catapult,

aim him for Spain.

''You fuckers.''

Whoomph!

(Laughter, applause)

And now you're really applauding.

Sounds like a BBC3 show, doesn't it?

''Hi, l'm Vernon Kay,

welcome to Stephen Hawking Slingshot.''

(Laughter)

''You have to decide

in which nation he will land.

''Are you ready, Stephen?''

''Yeah, l'm fine.''

(Laughter)

''Well, let's oil up the slingshot and...''

(Sniggers)

''Let's get ready to rumble!''

Whumph!

''l'm here in Sweden.''

So, erm...

Where was l?

Well, l was talking about something...

Yeah, Barack Obama - wonderful man.

The reason why we like him, l think,

is because he looks clever.

lt's nice, isn't it?

He looks like he thinks.

We haven't seen that in a fair while.

Cos you used to look

at George Bush and go,

''l could probably beat him at Trivial Pursuit''

and that is not good enough.

He'd eat the pieces,

that's not even good.

Barack Obama would annihilate you,

wouldn't he?

He's amazing.

Forward-thinking, cultured, intelligent.

He's trying to bring peace

to the Middle East.

He's also reversed stem cell research.

l don't know if you know this,

but George Bush

was anti-stem cell research

because he didn't want to upset God.

How funny's that?

The idea that God could get angry.

''They're trying to make tiny versions

of themselves! l'm absolutely furious!''

He won't be. He'll be there going,

''This is incredible! Clever little fuckers!

''Have you seen this, Gabriel?

''First the George Foreman Grill

and now this. lt's unbelievable.

- ''Look at that!''

- (Applause)

''Every day is wonderful.

lt's called an iPod, Gabriel. Hm? Hm?

''Put it on shuffle.

Put it on shuffle.

''That's the stuff G.O.D. likes.''

People get obsessed with music,

don't they?

You hear people go, ''You know why kids

are violent, don't you? Bloody rap music.''

lt's such a ridiculous argument.

''The Wu-Tang Clan, that's to blame.''

We don't blame chill-out music

for lazy fuckers...

(Laughter)

''Look, you've been on the dole

for three years. Curse you, Dido!''

Some bloke crawling on the floor.

(Groans)

''What's wrong, mate?

Have you got ME?''

''No, Enya!''

- (Laughter)

- Ridiculous!

Then they blame... ''Computer games!

That's why kids are fucked up!

''They see the computer games,

they're so violent, they re-enact them!''

You're like,

''What? No, they don't!''

You know? l don't walk around

dressed as an ltalian plumber

and try and eat mushrooms.

(Laughter)

l don't go near a wall and go...

(Hums Tetris music)

''l'm getting a Tetris flashback!

Stop me!''

But people love to be angry, don't they?

There's nothing worse than an old lady or an

old man who's given up on life, you know?

''l've been alive for 60 years.

l really hope l don't enjoy the next 20.''

''l quite agree. l say we wander around

like T-rex's trying to shit out pianos.''

Searching out misery. The world is full

of woe and wonder. Don't look for misery.

Like, there's nothing better

than an old lady who thinks,

''l'm nearly dead.

Let the good times roll.''

We've seen them everywhere,

those lovely women with twinkly eyes

and wrinkly thighs and, ''Fuck it''.

''That's right, Mr Bus Driver, l'm gonna

sit here. Fuckin' do your worst, dickhead.''

Just gettin' out a tiny knife.

''l'm comin' for you.''

My mum's like that, she's brilliant.

The biggest gig of my life,

Wembley Arena, right?

My friends saw my mum, as people

are filing into this gig, pointing at her vagina,

going,

''That's where the magic comes from.''

- (Applause)

- lt's just beautiful.

How lovely and weird's that?

Nobody knew she was my mum!

All they'd seen was a very old lady

declaring that she had a magic fanny!

Like a weird extra from Heroes.

l've never been prouder.

''All right, Sylar, watch this.''

Whumph!

''That's what you're dealing with, mate.

l just pulled a rabbit out of my chuff.

''Try and steal that power.''

She's brilliant.

l'm lucky to have plopped out from that lady.

She's wonderful, right?

l was brought up in a very odd way.

Like did your parents ever just pull

really extraordinary pranks on you?

And you go,

''Well, that is a bit much.''

l remember once l was in Lanzarote

and we were eight,

and l was taking some rubbish

to a chute late at night.

lt had gone quite well, it was a job, and l

thought, ''l'm havin' a skip, l'm skippin' back.''

l'm skippin' back,

it's going quite well.

Around the corner

two werewolves appear.

(Laughter)

And they say, ''Bleargh!''

- And l gently pooed myself, right?

- (Laughter)

Mid-skip. Low moment, right?

Now, turns out it's my mum and dad

wearing the wolf masks.

''Ah-ha-ha!

lsn't that hilarious?''

''Not really. l shat myself.''

Now, l've only recently found out that they

did not buy those wolf masks in Lanzarote.

They bought them in England!

Which is brilliant and mental

at the same time!

''Look what l got, David.

Couple of wolf masks!''

''Let's put 'em on immediately and scare

him. He's sleeping, it'll probably scare him.''

''Can l hold you just there, David, because

l do believe we're going to Lanzarote.

''Let's get him in a foreign country,

properly out of his comfort zone

''and then really shit him up.''

Brilliant.

That's got to be better, hasn't it?

Being raised by people

who have a sense of fun.

l've got no time

for the ''What's next?'' brigade.

You've seen those people,

you've heard them.

They listen to the news

and invent their own misery to go with it.

''Free TVs for prisoners? What next?

lce cream vans for paedophiles? Hm? Hm?''

You're there going,

''No, that's not going to happen.''

''Free contraceptives for teenagers?

What next?

''Toddlers dressed as gimps?

Bah! Bah! Bah!''

''No, that's not gonna happen.''

''Abortion at 26 weeks? What next?

''Fannies fitted with nooses?''

You're there going,

''No, none of these things will happen.

You're inventing your own misery.

For fuck's sake, try and enjoy life.

They just wander round going,

''CCTV. Big Brother. Local post office.

''Rage. Rage. lmmigration.

Ga-ga-ga! Ga-ga-ga!

''Enough to drive you mad.

This country's gone to the dogs.''

Just fucking streams of bullshit.

My personal favourite -

''This country's the worst in the world,

it's enough to drive you mad!''

Yeah, l bet there's some bloke in some

war-torn African village as we speak,

just weeping on the floor.

''What's wrong, mate? Why are you crying?

''ls it cos you got no money,

no food, no home?''

(African accent)

''lt is none of those things.

''Some people in England only have their

wheelie bins collected once a fortnight.''

(Applause)

''ls there no God?!''

We don't give a shit about so many stories.

Like that story about the 13-year-old boy

that got that 15-year-old girl pregnant.

Now, we were meant to go, ''Oh my God!

Britain's broken. What a palaver!''

But, let's be honest, my reaction was,

''Hang on, he's 13 and she's 15?

''lmpressive.''

How good is he at Laser Quest?

You know?

l could not have done that.

l couldn't have made a girl pregnant.

l was weirdly proud of him. l was like,

''Go on, you little scumbag, well done.

''l'm surprised you didn't start a fire

by your shell suit rubbing against her.''

l couldn't have done that when l was 13.

l struggle with girls now.

l was on a train the other day

and this girl came up to me and went,

''Excuse me, can you look after my bags

whilst l go to the toilet?''

And l... All l had to do was go ''yes''

but for some reason l went,

''You're not allowed to go

when it's in the station.''

- (Laughter)

- Oh Jesus!

So this poor girl sits down.

''OK.

Didn't realise you were the poo monitor.''

So she sits there till the train moves away.

''Can l go now?''

''Yeah, you're probably all right now.''

And then other people

start asking me cos they've see...

''Can l go?''

''l don't work here.''

(Laughter)

''Just respect the rules. Jesus!''

What's funny, because of this 13-year-old

getting this 15-year-old pregnant,

it turned out he wasn't the dad,

that was quite humorous, secondly,

we now have sex education for 5-year-olds

being mooted by the government,

amongst other policies.

One of them is, they've got this scheme

they're gonna teach parents how

to wake their children up in the morning.

l'd argue that's the most depressing thing

you've ever heard out loud, isn't it?

lf you can't wake your kids up,

sew it up or lop 'em off.

''This is an alarm clock. lf you set it to seven

it beeps twice and you wake the child up.

''So there we go.

What do you use at the minute?''

''l hit them with a brick.''

''l'm gonna take your kids away,

you fuckin' monster.''

lt's just depressing, isn't it?

Sex education for 5-year-olds, people are

very upset about it. ''Too much! Too soon!''

Calm down,

they're not gonna teach them technique.

''This is how l like to do it.''

Slap on some funk.

(Moans)

''Just make eye contact

and then just drive it home! Drive it home!''

Kids aren't gonna rush home,

put action dolls around their car and go,

''Mum, look, l'm dogging, l'm dogging!''

(Laughter)

lt's not gonna be any of that,

it's gonna be some poor teacher

trying to talk to 5-year-olds about love.

Can you imagine a harder job than that?

''Kids, we're about to learn about love.''

''Well, good luck with that,

l'm gonna lick that tree.

''l don't wanna learn about dicks!''

lmagine a harder job. ''Children,

there's a complicated thing called love.

''We meet somebody, there's a feeling

deep inside. We don't really know what it is,

''but we know that whenever we're

near them it's wonderful and comforting.

''Eventually, your penis or vagina

''becomes very friendly

with the other person's thingamajig.

''And it can be quite pleasurable...

''or painful...

''depending on how you do it.

''Any questions?''

''Yeah, l got a question.

''My brother reckons when you close your

eyes, everyone in the world becomes a cat.

''Well?

''Cos if you close your eyes,

you could be a cat right now.

''l open 'em, you've changed back again.

''Clever little bastard.

''l'm off to lick the tree.''

''lt's the worst way to learn. A teacher

can't teach a child aged five about sex.''

There's worse ways to learn than that.

You can watch a duck go at it.

Jesus!

Yeah! You know what that looks like.

lt's bloody horrible.

l don't know if you've ever seen duck sex?

Christ! You don't forget that!

The noise alone. Wah!

Wah!

Four on one, they're dunking the head,

the feathers... Wah! Wah!

No wonder Orville wore a nappy.

Jesus!

''l want to fly!''

''You're gonna struggle walking, Orville,

they fuckin' ruined you!

''Somebody get a safety pin!

''Don't look down!

Don't look down!''

''l want to...''

''Shut up, Orville! Lift his head up!

''He's in tatters!''

Or you could listen to the Pope.

That's worse.

The Pope recently went to Africa

and said that condoms weren't useful

in the fight against AlDS.

He said that abstinence

was the way forward.

l imagine God in heaven going,

''That's easy for you to say!

''You're an old man in a dress!

Nobody wants to fuck you!

''Abstinence?

There's fuck all to do in Angola!

''They haven't even got a Nando's!''

Sex education for...

lt has to be better than the way we learned.

Cos how did we learn? Through rumours,

animals, or porn we found in woodland.

And as a boy that was one of the

most terrifying moments of your life.

Can you remember that?

Maybe you've not been through this.

You might be quite young. Well, you've

got that ahead of you, its fucking terrifying.

You look at a pornographic magazine for

the first time, look at a lady with your mates,

''Do you like it?''

''l love it, it's the best thing l've ever seen.''

But in your head you're going...

(Shrieks)

''That's terrifying!

''Kill it! Kill it!

''lt looks like Rio Ferdinand's smile!''

(Laughter)

(Applause)

That's what you're thinking.

(Yells) ''lt killed Boba Fett!

lt killed Boba Fett!''

That's what you're thinking.

You're frightened!

Doesn't matter how you learn about sex,

you're gonna be rubbish at it the first time.

As you get older,

occasionally you're all right,

you have those amazing moments where

you go, ''This is going all right. Hm-hm!

''Yeah! l've snuck this out from nowhere.''

lt's a lovely feeling, you feel so manly.

lf you're a beta male like me...

there's probably a few

proper fuckin' geezers in here.

l'm not a manly man.

A lot of people now have dogs, killer dogs!

You leave me alone in a room with a dog

and l'll dress that dog up.

(Laughter)

''Somebody looks like Sherlock Holmes!''

''Get the fuck away from me.''

You know?

l'm not a manly man.

The only time l get manly

is when l light a fire or put up a tent.

lt's a lovely feeling that.

You suddenly become very Alfie.

''Right, you darlin', in the car,

Daddy's gonna put this tent up.

''That's right, l'm gonna put up this tent

and then l'm gonna make you pregnant.''

An hour later,

''l can't get the pole in the hole.''

People will think you're trying

to kill an immigrant. lt's one of those...

- (Laughter)

- That's just a joke.

lt's one of those...

That was quite lovely.

''ls that racist? l'm not sure.

''l'll just fan myself with the Guardian.

This is awkward.''

And we can all agree with that!

lt's quality!

lf you're a fuckin' beta, runty man,

when you're havin' sex

you feel so fuckin' alive!

You feel incredible!

You feel powerful!

You're thinkin', ''l'll tell you what,

if a burglar breaks in now,

''l'll knock him out with my cock!''

Think it! Never say it!

Never say it!

''You're gonna do what?''

''Nothing! Not gonna do anything!''

What a Crimewatch reconstruction though,

can you imagine that?

l wouldn't hit his head,

it'd be thigh at best, let's be honest.

That's if l was on a trampoline wanking,

and to be honest

if you're on a trampoline wanking you

probably wouldn't need to hit the burglar,

he'd probably get the message.

''Yah! Fuckin' steal from me?!

l've been wanking on a trampoline, fucker!''

''All right! All right!''

Doesn't matter how you learn about sex,

always bad the first time, right?

l lost my virginity underneath a bridge.

Underneath a bridge in a place

where trolls linger, that's where l lost it.

l could have banged a troll,

l don't know.

There could be a lazy-eyed

little troll going ''Daddy! Daddy!''

lt was dark down there.

l was having sex...

This poor girl, l tried my best.

l felt very much like the

Scottish football team at a World Cup,

''lt's just a pleasure to be here.''

You want your 1 1-year-old self

to be there

just to prove to him

that the future's gonna get better.

''Look at that, that's your willy in a girl.

l know. lnnit spectacular?''

Admittedly it would be a bizarre

episode of Quantum Leap, but...

you know what l'm driving at, right?

Now, l'm having sex with this girl,

it's going very badly,

primarily because l'm not very good,

she isn't very good

and my mates are watching me.

Genuinely.

We were at an army camp,

''How's it going, Russ?''

''lt's a bit weird, to be honest.

''You're looking at me in a tree

and that's really putting me off my stroke.''

''l'm fine with it.''

''l know you're fine with it, Paul,

''but it's really weirding me out.

''Are you wanking?''

''No, no.

''A little bit, yeah.

''l don't mind. Do you mind?''

''l mind a bit.''

''There's a woodpecker here

who really minds.''

''l imagine he does,

you're wanking on his house.''

l tell you what's never good.

When you're losing your virginity...

and somebody tuts.

That's never good.

(Tuts) Oh dear.

(Tuts) Oh no, what a fuss.

That's never good.

l'm pretty sure at one stage she went,

''Oh, for goodness' sake.''

That's never good.

But l persevered, then she obviously

thought, ''l'm gonna have a bit of fun.''

So in the middle of it, l'm losing my virginity,

she looks over my shoulder

with exquisite acting,

suddenly just went...

(Sharp intake of breath) Shh!

And l cacked it.

l was like, ''Wha...?''

Properly terrified.

''What is it? What's behind me?'' (Pants)

There was a beat of silence,

she looked deep into my eyes and went...

- ''Boo!'' And honestly...

- (Laughter)

..the fear that went through...

l was like, ''Ngah! Ngah!''

l've never made a noise like it.

''Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah!''

l sounded like a camel

with an ice cream headache.

''Ngah-ngah-ngah!

Ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah!''

lt was one of the most terrifying moments

of my life, but it led to one of the greatest.

l don't know if you've ever been inside

somebody whilst that person is giggling.

Oh, my God!

What a feeling!

lt's unbelievable!

lt's like your dick is getting a handshake

off Michael J Fox in a hurricane.

lt's going...

(Groans)

- (Applause)

- What a moment to arrive from nowhere!

Brilliant! You know when life suddenly goes,

''l can do this.''

You're like,

''Oh-ho-ho! That's quite weird and lovely.''

So strange.

That's why l've got no time for...

l'm not really a fan of technology,

like communicating through...

Twitter can really fuck off

as far as l'm concerned.

People say,

''Well, Stephen Fry's on Twitter.''

Yeah, he's also on anti-depressants.

And Stephen Fry's got something to say,

somebody else is just like,

''l've just eaten a banana!''

''Lovely. He's invented a word.''

Shut up.

Texting, l hate.

When you're together in a relationship,

fuckin' amazing, like stars colliding.

When you're apart

you have to check in.

Technology ruins the mystique of us all.

''Where have you been?''

''Who knows where l've been.

''Such is the mystery of Howard.''

''Have you been to the cinema?''

''Yes.''

''You don't know what film though, do you?

Wooh!''

''Was it Star Trek?''

''Mm.''

l hate texting.

You have to check in, there's no mystery.

''l love you, l miss you, l want you.''

And you realise after a while

your relationship's pretty much

become a Tamagotchi.

''l better feed the beast,

l don't want it dying on me.

''l love you, Sarah.''

Just lose the...

Has any text ever been worthwhile?

''What are you doing?''

''l am eating a potato.''

''Why did you not put

a kiss on the end of that?''

- ''l'm eating a potato.''

- (Laughter)

''You need to put a kiss. When you don't,

that means you don't love me any more.''

''l do love you! l love you so much!

l don't know the etiquette.

''There are times when l miss you

like a recently separated Siamese twin,

''but at this fucking moment

l'm eating a shitting potato!''

Send!

(Cheering)

''Who is this?''

''l'm so sorry, Nan.''

(Laughter)

''Please tell me you didn't

get the earlier photo of my penis.''

''l did.

''Why no kiss?''

''l'm eating a potato.''

Because if you spend your life sort of

looking down and communicating like that,

you don't see what life has on offer.

And it's amazing, sometimes

tiny things can be really, really lovely.

l was on a tube the other day,

l saw a pregnant lady, right?

Her husband or boyfriend

was rubbing her tummy going,

# Daddy is rubbing Mummy's belly

# l said, Daddy is rubbing

Mummy's belly... #

And l was there going, ''That represents

everything l want in the universe.''

lt was so lovely.

But you can't join in.

(Laughter)

# Stranger is rubbing Mummy's belly

# Ah, don't be freaky, don't be freaky

# Come on, baby... #

Little things sometimes make you so happy.

Happier than they should.

l've got a new shower gel.

l can't leave myself alone.

Sniffin' myself whenever l get the chance.

Orange and mandarin.

You feel like you've been licked all over

by a panther who's had 15 Fantas.

lt's incredible.

You know that lovely feeling

when you've had a horrible dream,

you wake up, you're like...

(Grunts, gasps)

''l've got to do my maths GCSE!''

Then it slowly dawns on you.

''No, l don't.''

(Laughter)

''l'm 29.

''My teachers are all dead.''

What a moment that is, you know?

Or that noise in the cinema. l love that.

That's another tiny bit of loveliness.

You know when there's a big glossy trailer?

lt always goes,

''Coming soon - July 2009. The Destroyer!''

You will always hear one lone voice go,

''Well, that looks fuckin' shit.''

- (Laughter)

- You love that noise.

Sometimes followed by,

''l think it looks all right actually.''

(Mumbles) ''..absolute shit...''

Things from nowhere

sometimes make you really giddy.

Like watching drunk people,

l love that.

You know when someone's

a bit wobbly drunk

and they put a bollard or a cone

on top of a bus stop? How heroic's that?

''l'm pissed.

Fighting? Nightclub? Women?

''No, that bus stop needs a hat.

That looks great.''

The point l think l was trying to make is you

never know what's gonna make you happy.

lt can arrive from nowhere, like me and

my family do a very weird thing with our dog,

- which, l mean, we don't like...

- (Laughter)

''lt's a full moon! Shave it!''

l don't mean that. l recommend you do it.

When you've something naughty to say,

that maybe you shouldn't say,

simply pretend the dog has said it,

it's a wonderful game.

My dad is the champion of this game.

We use him as an evil conch, my dog Bert.

Stroking him. We were watching

The Snowman at Christmas.

Beautiful film. Childhood film.

My dad starts going,

''What's that, Bert?

''This is the biggest advert

for grooming you've ever seen?''

So then the rest of us go,

''How could you, Bert?

lt's an absolute classic, you disgusting dog.''

(Whimpers)

My brother jumps in.

''lt's a good job the snowman melted or that

kid would have an arse like a slush puppy?''

''Oh! What an appalling dog!''

Makes you so happy and there's

nothing wrong with that, is there?

Sometimes you see something

and you're like, ''Wow! l've seen that.

''l will tell my friends about that. That's

one of the weirdest things l've ever seen.''

l was in a pub beer garden recently.

l saw a full-size Jenga

topple on to a pissed dwarf. Now...

(Laughter)

You don't know what do.

You're like, ''Oh my God!

''Am l even allowed to laugh at that?

l really want to.

''l know that makes me a bad person but

if it was a big person and it hit him l'd laugh,

''but because he's small

l don't know what to do.''

Before the bricks hit his tiny face

he went, ''Fuckin' hell!''

A bloke two seats along went,

''That was like 9/1 1 .''

(Groans) The world's

a mad place sometimes, isn't it?

l saw this the other day - l saw a man

have an argument with a parking meter.

lt was brilliant!

lt was in London.

He put 50p into the parking meter,

the 50p came out, he threw it away.

He walked away from the parking meter,

he obviously got to about here and went,

''You're gonna leave it there, Dave?

''You're gonna let that parking meter

get away with that?

''Cos he's made you look like a monkey,

Dave, and you ain't no monkey.

''Turn and face him, Dave.''

And he turned to face him.

He had a chat with his brain that went,

''l'm gonna need words when l get there,''

and his brain went,

''l'll give you words. l'll give you words.''

And the words that his brain

obviously gave him,

just after he'd punched this parking meter

in the face, were, and l quote,

''You fucked-up gypsy.''

(Laughter)

lt's just mental, isn't it?

You're there going...

- Well...

- (Applause)

But what's lovely about it, everyone in

the room has been in a situation like that,

when you've lost it with an inanimate object,

you can't help it.

My mum has called a kettle

a fuck-sandwich. She's got no idea why.

When you lose your keys, that's the best.

When you start talking,

''Where are you, keys?

''Seriously, where are you? Stop fucking

around, it was funny for the first time.

''Come on, keys.

Daddy needs the keys.''

As if the keys...

''You'll have to find me, Daddy.

''The pleasure's in the chase.''

Then you always inevitably go to God,

''Seriously, God, where are the keys?''

As if...

''Hang on a minute, Rwanda, bigger issues.

''They're by the microwave, Russell,

they're by the microwave!''

lt's not gonna be like that. We always leap

to the Lord in moments of pain or pleasure.

lf you hit your hammer on a thumb

you're like, ''Ah! God!''

Sexual bliss, you're like, ''Oh! God!''

You can be as agnostic as you like,

nobody has ever gone,

''Big Bang Theory!''

lt's as simple as that.

lt's interesting, He's always there.

And if you're into religion, fair enough.

lt's quite trendy to knock it,

but whatever you need to get

through life is your business, isn't it?

Like Richard Dawkins... He's obviously a

wonderful man with a really amazing mind,

but he's currently writing a book warning

children against the dangers of fairy tales.

Now, l would argue

that's a battle that isn't really worth it.

''Children, l'm gonna tell you

just why Humpty Dumpty is bullshit.''

- (Laughter)

- Do we really need that?

''All the king's horses and all the king's men

couldn't put Humpty back together again?

''Well, let's analyse that, shall we?

''Why would Mr and Mrs Dumpty

call their first-born son Humpty?

''Bullshit.

''Point number two. An egg can't walk,

an egg can't talk, an egg can't climb a wall,

''if an egg were to fall off a wall

he would not cry for help.

''Point number two - bullshit.

''Furthermore, how can a horse

put an egg back together again?

''A horse has hooves,

they gather no purchase.

''l'll tell you a story, you little fuckers.

''A man is...born!

''He...works! He dies!

''Sleep well.''

You need imagination.

You need fairy tales up until the age of eight

cos the world's fuckin' terrifying.

lt's one of the greatest moments

when your dad goes,

''l'm gonna tell you

about Little Red Riding Hood.''

''Fuckin' preach it, Papa,

fuckin' preach it.''

''There's a wolf in a dress.''

You had me at wolf.

You need imagination when you're little.

l remember once my brother was really

upset, right? So in an attempt to help him...

He was crying and l said, ''Don't worry...''

l'm eight, ''Don't worry, Dan.

- ''l can eat sadness.'' Now...

- (Laughter)

l can't. l can't do that.

But it really worked.

l mean, l made a tool out of myself,

l had to walk around the room going...

(Laughter)

But sometimes a little bit

of imagination is fine, you know?

l saw, the other day, a kid,

he was about eight,

eating a fun-size Milky Way.

He turned to his mum and went,

''Mum, it doesn't matter how many

of these you eat, it never leads to fun.''

How depressing's that?

''You all right? Do you want a Happy Meal?''

''Life is suffering, Russell,

life is suffering.''

l just can't deal with that level.

Maybe l'm being mawkish,

looking through rose-tinted glasses,

l remember being very excited

by a lot of things.

lf l had a fun-size Milky Way

l'd have been looking at it going...

(Gasps) 'Nother!

l'd have been very excited.

l was excited about going to a Harvester.

Christ! Can you remember that feeling?

''We're going where? Fucking unbelievable!''

Bragging in school the next day.

''Sorry, l can't concentrate on your trivial shit,

Miss, but l was at the Harvester last night!

''l went to the salad bar twice.

Touch me!''

Everything was exciting when you're eight,

that should be the way the world is!

Remember the first time

you saw a rainbow?

Can you remember how exciting that was?

''Dad, there are colours in the sky.

''There are colours in the sky!''

''Well, that's a rainbow, son.''

(Gasps)

''And there's a pot of gold at the end of it.''

''Oh my God.''

''And it's guarded by a tiny leprechaun.''

''Pull over, Dad.

''Pull over right now.

Let's get that gold and pay off his mortgage.

''Mother, you'll have gold teeth

in the morning. Ring-a-ding-ding!''

We looked for a rainbow...

How weird's this?

Me and my little brother, we took a knife

just in case the leprechaun acted up.

(Laughter)

''Better pack a blade.''

''Yeah, small man syndrome.

''He might get naughty.''

So...

Thank fuck we didn't find a tiny bloke!

lmagine that!

''Where's the money, fucko?!''

''l don't know.''

''Pay up, you little lrish bastard!''

Life is for living and it's great, isn't it? lt's

really great when you're reminded of that.

Recently l had some anal issues

and l thought l was gonna die,

by which l don't mean

l can't put my CDs in order.

l mean, l thought l was gonna

die of cancer of the bum. Erm...

''Ha-ha-ha-ha!''

Jesus! You vicious bitches!

''Ha-ha! lt'll rot him from the inside!''

God! How horrible was that?

As ever, l went to the doctor's

and l pulled down my trousers...

- Obviously, we had a chat.

- (Laughter)

Just wander in, ''l'm not very well.''

''l can see that.

''This is a dentist.''

But l walked in, we had a chat

about the bum cancer, and he said,

''Take your trousers down.''

You've never done it slower in your life.

l got my pants down to about there

and just heard his booming voice go,

''ln the other room.''

And...you have a decision to make there.

Do you pull 'em up?

Do you waddle with pride?

You waddle,

you're going for the waddle.

The thing about waddling,

the last thing you wanna do is waddle

before a man's gonna

pop his finger in your Richard

because now you're a wiggling target, right?

He thrust himself into me,

had a wiggle around.

Started chatting - that's a first!

''How you getting on generally?''

(Hoarsely) ''l'm fine.

''Can you draw the curtains?

We've gathered quite a crowd.''

''Look, it's H from Steps

and he's getting fisted!''

''l'm Russell Howard!''

But it's great...

when you have a scare

and then suddenly you go,

''Yeah, l'm doing it. l'm alive.

''l'm gonna hang out

with people that l fucking love.''

l love that. Hanging out

with my girlfriend, my mum, my mates.

Specially your mates,

those fucking dangerous mates.

The crazy mates you'd like to be.

My friend Tom, one of my heroes.

l fell in love with him age five. He stood up

in the middle of a nativity play and went,

''Well, enough's enough.''

(Laughter)

Heroic. He was the front end of a donkey.

He was a genius.

He was the leader of our gang,

every gang had a leader.

He always used to tell about sexual advice.

''Seriously, there's a thing

called Mars Bar parties.''

''We're 1 1 .''

''l know. What you gotta do,

''pop a Mars Bar up the girl's... (Whistles)

She loves it.''

''Does she?''

''Yeah, she definitely loves it.''

''Can we not just kiss them?''

''Nope.''

- (Laughter)

- ''That is frowned upon.''

So we took some Mars Bars to a disco.

Aged 1 1 , music's playing.

(Hums tune)

Music quietened down.

We saw the girls we liked.

When we saw a girl we liked we simply

took out the Mars Bar and shook it at her,

like that was gonna be enough.

(Swishing sound)

lt didn't work!

We looked like we were teasing diabetics!

At the end of the night

boys are kissing girls,

we're in the corner of the room

eating Mars Bars.

''lt would be a waste to put it up their fanny.''

''l quite agree.''

He's the leader of our gang.

He's wonderful.

We were watching that story

about Elizabeth Fritzl last year

and that's one of those stories

that really resonates with you, isn't it?

You can't conceive of that level of sadness.

You're watching it and imagining it

and it's just horrific.

Tom was there going,

''We should do something.''

''Okey-dokey!

What are you gonna suggest?''

What we suggested,

what Tom suggested...

We were sat there going,

''This is horrific, this is bad.''

Tom went, ''We should get together,

everyone who's decent in the world.

''We should show her

all the things she's missed.''

lmagine that. Like a conveyer belt

of kindness. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

People turning up, ''This happened

to me in 1995, thought you'd like it.''

''l seen this in 1987, take a bit of that.''

''This is Nelson Mandela.

Tell her your story.''

Just fill her full of joy and love.

Wouldn't it be wonderful?

This conveyor belt of fucking hope.

l was there going, ''That is a remarkable

idea. But what would we show her?''

And Tom went,

''You know what we'd show her.

''We'd re-enact the story.''

Everyone has that, don't they?

You know that one moment?

Like vapour funny, you know? You're

sometimes on a train and your brain goes,

''Remember this.''

You're like, ''Yeah, two years ago.''

(Chuckles) ''That was fucking brilliant!''

lt happened to me when l was 1 7.

l was not very cool aged 1 7, l was having...

Cos when l was 1 7 l was having

one of those chats where, all the time...

''What would you rather be, deaf or blind?''

''l dunno, that's difficult.''

''Would you rather have like

a chocolate face or bread for feet?''

''Russell, if you had no arms

and no legs but really long anal hair,

''would you lower it down

over the side of a cliff if l was in peril?''

(Laughter)

''Slightly different from the

Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies (2009) - full transcript