Runaway Bride (1999) - full transcript

FisheR, pick up.

Fisher, it's me
Fisher, pick up.

I'm late, come on, come on.
I need to bounce some ideas off you.

Mine are all boring,
done it, been there.

Hey, Ike!

When are you guys gonna stop
waking me up every morning?

When your column stops
putting me to sleep.

- Funny, funny.
- Yo, Jonah!

Fisher, come on!
Are you really not there?

All right, cool.
I'll talk to you later.

Excuse me. I'm thinking of doing
an article about limousines.



What do you think about people
who've never been in one?

I don't know people like that.

I need someone to bounce some ideas
off of and get the juices flowing.

I got one hour,
27 minutes, 52 seconds.

Hey, Ike! When are you gonna
put me in a column?

- When your T-shirts stop shrinking.
- Shrinks?

- Funny. He's kidding. He's just kidding.
- Oh, forget it.

- Here, give me Give me No way.

Folks, I got nice shirts here.
Look!

"I love everybody. You're next".

So, what's in store for us
in tomorrow's column?

I don't know yet.

I'm, uh, kind of
a last-minute man.

You know, till an hour or two
before deadline, I don't get any ideas.



So, you get your ideas
for your column from life.

Start up a conversation with a woman
in a bar.

Attack her dart playing
and try to get a rise out of her...

while you contemplate whether
or not she's worth hitting on.

No, I can't hit on you
till I get an idea.

Wh- That's flattering.

No, you don't understand.

I understand. See,
my not responding to you baiting me...

will inspire one of those bitter
diatribes you like to write about women.

I don't write bitter diatribes
about women.

- Oh-ho.
- Very often. I could.

Only when the ideas
aren't flowing, huh?

It's so nice to meet you,
one-minute man.

It's last-minute man.

Whatever.

Want to hear something funny? For a
good-looking guy, you strike out a lot.

Have you noticed that?

- I bet it's your ex-wife.
- Excuse me.

I've seen much worse.

No, Ike's not here.

I say, I've seen much worse.

- I'll tell him when he comes in.
- Excuse me?

The brush-off.

I've witnessed far more...

treacherous and nefarious exits
than that.

At least, she castigated you
in private.

Not as private as I thought.
Kevin, you got some napkins there?

- Wiping or writing?
- I'll let you know.

They love you.
They hate you.

They're hot.
They're cold. They're high.

They're up. They're down.

This is fun making a list with you,
but I do have a column to write.

Ike.

But you have yet to find
a really superb idea.

There's a girl from my hometown
that you could write about.

Excuse me,
but we don't need any ideas.

She likes to dump grooms at the altar.
They call her the "Runaway Bride. "

She's performed the travesty
seven or eight times.

Turns around, runs like hell.
Bolts. Adios.

Plows down the aisle,
knocking old ladies out of her way...

like the Running of the Bulls
in Pamplona.

And guess what!
She's got the next victim all lined up.

She's turning another body
on the spit.

Okay, Italics, here we go.

Today is a day
of profound introspection.

I have been accused
of using this column...

to direct bitter diatribes
at the opposite sex.

This uncomfortable accusation...

has plunged me into at least 15 minutes
of serious reflection,

from which I have emerged...

with the conclusion that, yes,
I traffic in female stereotypes.

"But how can one blame me when
every time I step out my front door,

"I meet fresh proof that the female
archetypes are alive and well.

"The mother, the virgin,
the whore, the crone.

"They're elbowing you in the subway,
stealing your cabs,

and overwhelming you
with perfume in elevators. "

"But perhaps in fairness
to the fairer sex,

I do need to broaden my horizon and add
some new goddesses to the pantheon. "

"I would like to nominate
for deity the cheerleader, the coed...

and the man-eater, the last
of which concerns me most today. "

"In ancient Greece, this fearsome female
was known as Erinys,

"the devouring death goddess.

"In India, she is Kali,

"who likes to devour
her boyfriend Shiva's entrails...

"while her yoni devours
his dot, dot, dot... never mind.

In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed man-eater
is called Ragma. "

You notice these are
all countries without cable.

"And in Hale, Maryland,

"where she helps run
the family hardware store,

she is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter,
a. k.a. the Runaway Bride. "

"What is unusual about
Miss Carpenter...

is that she likes to dress her men up
as grooms before she devours them. "

One antique hot water handle
with the "hot" still on it.

Guaranteed to fit
any American standard cast iron tub...

with a four-inch center mount
made between 1924 and 1938.

In other words,
Mr. Paxton.

I think you are out of the doghouse
with Mrs. Paxton.

Hallelujah!

I'll see you later.
I'll put it on your charge.

There's a possibility
she hasn't seen this yet.

Maybe she just hasn't picked up a paper.
Know what I mean?

- Or not.
- Maggie?

Earl, you don't need an air conditioner.
You need an attic fan.

There's more in the back. Hey.

What?

So, Mag,
you've seen this, huh?

Yes, I've seen it.

And it is the rudest,

most offensive...

joke anyone
has ever played on me!

You guys, how long did this take you?
Where did you get it done?

You're both creeps, by the way.
I should "disinvite" you.

Maggie, you told us
no bachelorette jokes, so we didn't-

Holy moly.

- Bag. Bag!
- She's going. She's gonna go!

Here's the bag. Breathe!

On the local front,
our town of Hale, Maryland,

is still buzzing about
the less-than-flattering article...

about their native daughter,
Maggie Carpenter.

Her bridal exploits were taken
to task...

by New York columnist
Ike Graham in USA Today.

Mr. Graham called her-

Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks.

Perhaps you believe that
a rural education is focused mainly...

on hog calling and tractor maintenance
rather than reading.

Why else would you print a piece
of fiction about me and call it fact?

I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy
thinking up slanderous statements...

about how I dump men for kicks...

to bother with something silly
like accuracy in reporting.

Which is understandable, because
with a man-eater like me on the loose,

who has time to check facts?

- Hey, Frances, lunch today?
- No, I'm going to the bank.

- Sure?
- Sorry, Ike.

- All right. Hey.
- Hey.

I'm going to put in
a good word for you.

Don't mention my name.

That's why I was surprised to find...

Mr. Graham's editor was a woman.

Call me a sentimental fool, but I hoped
we man-eaters could stick together.

"Anyway, I'm just dropping
you big-city folk this little note...

"to say that I have thought
of a ritual sacrifice...

"that would satisfy
my current appetite:

"Ike Graham's column
on a platter.

"Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter.
P.S.

"I have enclosed a list of the gross factual
misrepresentations in your article.

There are fifteen. "

Funny. I like her.

She's got spunk.

Ike, look. She sent us this list.
Our lawyers say it's actionable.

I left you four messages.
You don't return my calls.

I never returned your calls.
Even when we were married I didn't-

- What's Fisher doing here?
- Ellie asked me to offer moral support.

Since when does Ellie
need moral support?

It's for you, Ike.

What? What?

Journalism lesson number one:

If you fabricate your facts,
you get fired.

Lesson number two:
Never work for your former spouse.

That has nothing to do with it. You
cooked this story up, and you know it!

I did not cook anything up.
I had a source.

Someone reliable?
Some boozehound in a bar?.

In vino veritas.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't knock drunk guys
in bars. It means they're not driving.

Besides, I am a columnist.

This is what columnists
are supposed to do.

It's what you like. We push,
and we stretch, we go out on a limb.

That's what makes me good!

No, that's what
makes you unemployed.

All right, let's consider
that, that my wrist has been slapped.

There. Slap it.
Go ahead, just-

Slap my wrist.
That's done.

Just give me a call when you feel
that I've served my time, and move on.

This is permanent, Ike.

If you go quietly,
I'll get you severance pay.

I'm sorry, Ike.

- Bob? Honey?
- In the kitchen.

Honey, she canned him! Honey?

Bob, she canned him!

- Yea! What are you talking about?
- Listen, it's in the paper.

- Try this on first.
- Okay.

I wanna read it to you,
so come over this way.

Ready?
"Dear Maggie Carpenter:

I apologize to you
for this unfortunate matter. "

Here it is. " Ike Graham's column will
no longer be appearing in this paper.

Best of luck
in your upcoming marriage. "

Okay, this is the weight of the pack
you'll be carrying in the Himalayas.

- You let me know if it's too heavy.
- Okay.

A little... yeah. Yeah,
a little heavy. baby.

Hi, it's me.
Leave a message after the beep.

If you want to leave a fax,
buy me a fax machine.

Ike, Fisher.

Get up. I can turn
this Runaway Bride story around.

I'm doing a photo spread for G.Q.
today by the conveyor belt.

Meet me. I'll save your tush.

And since I do freelance stuff
for G.Q. now, I have an idea.

- What are you saying?
- Vindication.

How would you like some?

A chance to prove that although
your story wasn't entirely factual,

your theory was correct.

- The real story on Miss Carpenter.
- All the gory details.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And if she runs again,
you got a cover story.

Here you go.
Right upstairs to the left.

Thanks. How late's
the restaurant open?

- 8:30 every night.
- That late, huh?

Cindy, can you eighty-six Sprout?

He's licking up all the petroleum
distillates I'm trying to put in.

Oh, sorry.
She's an obedience school dropout.

Have a seat.

Thank you. We'll see you, ladies and
gentlemen, in the hotel on the weekend.

You're a goddess.
You're a goddess!

Shazam! I think I'm in Mayberry.

I didn't even have to change a
gasket. just put in new hydraulic fluid.

Stop it. When you talk like that,
it turns me on and frightens me.

Oh, you turn a girl's head.

Excuse me. Hello?

Excuse me, could help-
I'm looking for Maggie Carpenter.

There was a note on the door
of the hardware store across the street.

- Are you a reporter?.
- What?

It's just been
our experience that...

anyone who comes in here
with tassels on his loafers...

is a big-city reporter
wanting to do an interview with Maggie.

About her upcoming
wedding and all.

Actually about her getting
that asshole from New York fired.

I am just such a reporter.
And who are you?

Peggy Flemming. Not the ice skater.

Come in, come in.

Who are these lovely ladies?

Hi. I'm Cindy.
Maggie's unmarried cousin.

Mrs. Pressman.
No relation. Oh, sorry.

And you are?

Looking... for Maggie.

Maggie, someone to see you.

I hope you've got a new angle because
it's all pretty much been covered.

Hold on. No one interviews Maggie
in here without a haircut.

Sorry, no.
Just got one.

Excuse me, sir, I have a fact for you.

- This is an actual fact.
- Yes, Mrs. Pressman?

This is actually her fourth wedding,
not her seventh like they said.

I know. Tell me something.
Do you think she's...

- gonna make it all the way this time?
- I don't know.

She swallowed her gum.
She does that.

Mr. Schulian, he runs the newsstand.
He's also our local bookie.

He's given eight-to-one odds
that she won't.

Okay.

Instead of a haircut,
how 'bout a wash?

Get all that city grit
out of your hair.

You'll answer my questions?

Mm-hmm.

Fine! You wash, I'll ask.

So, what do you want to know?

When is the big day?

- A week from Sunday.
- Let's just put this here like this...

...because this aromatherapy
can get a little strong.

The lavender,
we don't want to put you to sleep.

You nervous?

I've never been more certain
of anything in my life.

Except I've been having
all kinds of weird dreams.

Mm-hmm. Would you like
to tell me about 'em?

Yeah, sure.

- And another one...
- Pete, I'll be right with ya.

I go inside the church
and everyone I know is there.

The creepiest part is
I look down at my dress, and it's red!

I don't know what that means.
Red is not my color.

What do you think?

- I think you'd look good in red.
- No, no.

She means about your hair.

My jacket, please.

Thank you.

Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can
get some shampoo? Strong shampoo?

Doc's pharmacy. Third and Elm.
Tell 'em Pete sent ya.

You want my hat?

No, no, I'm fine.
You might need it.

Mr. Graham, if you're looking
for Elm Street, it's that way.

Thank you.

If you came down here in the pursuit of
happiness, you might as well go back...

because you can't make me feel bad.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad.
I'm here for vindication.

In my heart,
I feel I'm right about you.

Mmm.

You got me fired, lady.

You destroyed my reputation,
and you screwed up my hair.

You chew up men,
spit 'em out, and love it.

You're gonna do the same thing
to this poor schmuck number four...

that you did
to the previous three.

You're gonna run again.

And I'm not leaving until you do.

I'd love to stay and chat,
but I still have my job.

Hey, kid, kid, kid,
wait a minute.

- Give you ten bucks for the hat.
- Sure.

That's right.

Sheesh.

I'm telling you,
that is a photo opportunity.

When I only see one dog,
I know I've had too much to drink.

Hey, you'll never guess...

who came crawling into town
with his tail between his legs.

Who?

Hello, Maggie.

I just came over
to apologize to your family.

When I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

I pushed a story.
I made a mistake.

In other words, he's only human.
And he brought us a bottle of wine.

- Made me put my hat back on.
- Yeah. It scared the hell outta Skipper.

You've gotta be kidding me.

No, no. You should've seen Skipper.
He was like-

It wasn't that... funny.

Actually, it's been quite amusing.

Walter, here, has been sharing his
father of the bride wedding memories.

You know what?

I think I'll take this to the kitchen.

I'll help you bring it in...
to the kitchen.

- Check on the crabs, Bob.
- Okay.

- Is he staying for dinner?.
- I don't know.

I hope they don't have a fight. You
don't think they'd call it off, do you?

Wedding cake freezes. This we know.

- You know, your daughter is such-
- Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, that's all right,
Grandma. That, that's fine.

She's such a, a lovely girl.

Yeah. Well,
like her mother. Look.

May she rest in peace.

We were all so proud of Maggie
when she was in school.

She won that American Legion
scholarship to college.

She studied industrial design.

I can't see her leaving multiple grooms
in the dust like that.

Oh, yes, you can.
She's got it all on tape.

- Tape?
- Yeah, they're all right there.

You got tapes of the wedding?

Lee, at the hotel,
videos weddings.

'Course Maggie didn't know she was
gonna be running the 100-yard dash.

- I gotta say, she makes real good time.
- Bingo.

Maggie may not be
Hale's longest running joke,

but she is certainly the fastest.

Maggie's mom and I
were only blessed with one child,

not for a lack of trying.

This is good, Dad.
Don't leave anything out.

I consider it a bonus...

that I'm actually able to plan
and pay for so many weddings.

Not this one.
This one's on me.

Oh! That's fair.

I don't do it on purpose, and
I have no intention of doing it again.

That's right, Maggie.
Just keep your eye on the ball.

Sports psychology.

Bob is the head of
the P.E. department at the high school.

And he coaches the football team.
And he's climbed Everest.

- Everest? Is it true?
- Twice.

Without oxygen.

- My girl, she likes to brag about me.
- I do.

Maggie's training
for our wedding night.

I'm taking her trekking on Annapurna
for our honeymoon.

- Oh, how romantic!
- We think so.

Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed
with two Sherpas and a yak.

Hey, Ike, how's it going?

You won't believe what
I'm looking at here. I got a video...

of all three train wrecks.

Here's my bride, who's my pride.

I'll never hide
when she's by my side.

This is for you, Maggie,
my "Sugar Magnolia. "

You want the truth?
You want the facts? I got 'em.

I'll send you a copy
of the notes.

Good weekend reading for you.

Love to Ellie. Okay, bye.

Okay, preacher man, let's go!

- Maggie, where're you going?
- Sam!

- Sam. Get back on the bike.
- Okay. How was the wedding?

Shorter than we planned.
Just go.

Okay. Peace, baby.

- Where's she going?
- Look, she's leaving.

- She forgot her purse.
- No, she didn't forget her purse.

Go after her! Do something!

I don't believe this.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today-

Could we hold the horse, please?
What's wrong with the horse?

The horse seems more jittery
than the bride.

I like the white tuxedo.

Yeah, but he's no good
'cause he's too blond.

All right. Then we just go
with something very traditional.

He's handsome.
Maybe a little too dark for Bob.

Yeah, but he's got
the "Bobster's" eyes.

No, no, no, no. The Bobster's eyes
are closer set. Yeah.

- Hello! Hi.
- Hi.

- Could I have two cups of coffee? And-
- Yes.

Mmm. What is that wonderful smell?

Oh, the cinnamon rolls!

- Could I have two of those? Thank you.
- Yeah, sure.

Okay. Uh, Maggie,
I think this makes the best you.

Okay.

Oh, let's see. Look at that.

Excuse me.

Oh, look at that.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!

Ow, ow, ow!
Help me! Help me!

Yep, that'd be her.

You must be
that Mr. Graham fella.

Yes, I am! And you are?

- I'm Betty Trout.
- Hi, Betty!

Okay, I guess you'll be
the one making the cake.

Yes I am. Sure.

I'm also told
that you will be throwing-

I'm throwing the luau for Maggie.

Pre-wedding luau!

If you're still in town,
you should stop by.

No, no, he doesn't want to come.

I'd love to come.

I will be there. Thank you.

Is that what you're going to do now?
Follow me around everywhere I go?

No.

I'll be back, Betty.

Bye, Mr. Graham.

- He's not a nice person.
- Well, I know.

That's my pick.
The eyes are perfect.

We always win. We never fail.

We're the Comets, so go to Hale!
Let's go, Comets.

Let's go, Comets. Let's go.

- Hi, Miss Carpenter.
- Hey, Kendall.

Maggie, don't marry Coach.
Marry me. I love you.

You're jailbait, Dennis. Go away.
Go away. Run your laps. Go, go!

Drive, drive, drive! From the hips!

Keep it low now, keep it low!

Good job, gentlemen!
All right, special teams.

Special teams.

- Hey, honey, how are you?
- Good.

What is he up to now?

Ike just dropped by
to check out the team.

And to talk about you!

- Ahh!
- Yes!

You aren't making friends
with this man, are you?

I'm just bragging
about how good you are.

And how I'm the luckiest man alive.

Sweetie.

Well, I better be moving.

Got a lot of work to do today.

- See you two lovebirds later.
- See you at the wedding.

- Yeah. Thanks for the jacket.
- You invited him to the wedding?

Go, go, Comets!
Let's go!

Don't you realize he's writing
another article about me?

Sure.

But you're not runnin'. Come on. Give
me some of that homemade sunshine.

Boys, take my princess
for a ride on her chariot.

Oh, my-

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

My last confession was-
Well, anyway.

I have sort of
a technical question.

I've been having bad thoughts.

Really bad thoughts.

- Of an impure nature?
- No, no.

I want to destroy this man's life,
career, everything. I want revenge!

Now, on the sin scale,
how bad is that?

Can I... "Hail, Mary"
my way out of that?

- My child, any sin in one's heart is a-
- The name is Maggie.

It was this side of ten years ago
you had your tongue down my throat.

So don't "my child" me, Brian, okay?
It annoys me.

Maggie, don't get so upset.

Hey, hey! Don't- Brian, talk to me.
I need to talk to you.

Maggie. Maggie. Maggie.

You're not even Catholic
so you really shouldn't be here.

I'm sorry. I'm just so stressed out
about this slimeball reporter.

And I wanted to come and tell you
that he might stop by here...

and ask you all kinds
of ridiculous questions.

Well, he only actually asked me
one ridiculous question.

The rest weren't so bad.

What? Oh, you talked to him?

Did you tell him
we dated before you were a priest?

Of course.
I think I only did you good.

W- What exactly did he ask?

- Am I too late, Father?.
- No. No.

- It won't take long. Just two venials.
- Okay.

Um, just respectful things.

What kind of music did you like?
What did we have in common?

Did you ruin my life
when you left me at the altar?.

Uh, what did you say?

I said, you know,
how could I be angry...

when this is clearly as God
intended for it to be for me?

Good one. Thanks.

But actually,
it's, it's really, really how I feel.

Of course, God, yes.

Not... God.

Sorry.

I better go.
The man is a lunatic.

But I think I know exactly
where he's going next.

God bless.

Oh! Purse.

Forgot my purse.

Hi, sorry. Purse.

Good luck.

What was the one ridiculous question
that he asked?

He wanted to know
how you liked your eggs.

Oh, weird.

Like a person's gonna
remember after all this time.

Scrambled with salt, pepper and dill.
Same as me.

I'm sorry I hurt you, Brian.

Maggie, I'm happy now... here.
It's where I'm supposed to be.

But... if you ever do decide to become
a Catholic, will you do me this favor?.

Confess to Father Patrick.

Of course.

- Gill? Lydia?
- Mags!

Hey, look, the tape. Remember?.

Radio City Music Hall concert...

when Jerry was on "Ripple,"
and I'm going like, "Dude, let me jam. "

- Gill, listen-
- I'll play it for you.

- You remember, Maggie. You were there.
- Can you focus on me?

There's this reporter
who's making my life a living hell.

Okay.

And whatever you do,

do not show him that picture of me
from the concert in San Francisco.

Okay? Can you-

- What is that?
- Uh- Wait. San Francisco?

But we went there a few times.
There's a lot of pictures.

Which picture? Because one time
we had a flat tire. Remember?.

Imagine.

Maggie Carpenter
topless in a public arena.

Mmm. Oh, yeah.

I see it was
a very chilly evening.

What's really interesting
about this, though,

is that you can't see
that rose tattoo...

on your back.

Oh, yeah, Ike bet me 50 bucks
that you don't still have it.

I said, "You're on, man.
Maggie loved that thing. "

And, seriously, I mean,
I could use 50 bucks.

Maggie?

Just-

Look, I'm not gonna show
you guys anything.

I am a soon-to-be-married woman.
So just give me the photograph!

I would love to give you this.
Believe me, I would.

Just give us a quick gander
at that rose,

and I'll gladly
turn it over to you.

Fine. Fine. Okay, fine.

Okay? All right?

- Satisfied?
- Completely.

- Maggie, you got it removed?
- Gill-

Gill, I'll go you double or nothing
it was a stick-on.

Maggie?

Gill, I am...

really, really...

afraid of needles.

- But that doesn't make me a bad person.
- Look.

Look! Look!

I think this man is heartbroken.

- No, he's not.
- I think I am.

No, you're, you're not!

You have your guitar,
and you have Lydia. You're not-

We'll talk about this later. Okay?

Hey, Ike?

- What would Jerry do?
- He'd play.

- Jerry would play!
- He would play!

Well, there's Ike...

with the mayor
and the police chief.

Boy, he sure makes friends easy.

That's pretty cool.

- Oh, yeah!
- That's right!

- Hey, you're that reporter, right?
- Yeah.

There he is again!

Snoop Doggy Dogg!

- I'm going to marry Maggie someday.
- Oh, really?

He's an attractive man.

The vicious reporter is attractive?
You're saying viciousness is attractive?

No, I am not saying
viciousness is attractive.

He's coming.

I better go-

No, no, no.
Don't leave. Uh, act natural.

- Okay.
- He can probably read lips.

The famous Swenson triplets.
Gimme 15. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well done.

- I will handle this.
- Don't move your lips! Okay? Go on.

I will handle this!
I won't say anything.

- Okay.
- I'll handle it.

Yeah, Cory!

- Hey, Peggy Flemming!
- Hey.

- Not the ice skater.
- That's Maggie's seat.

Yes, and this must be her beer too.

- Hey!
- Hey, sweetie!

That your husband out here?

- Yeah.
- This is Cory? Cory Flemming?

He's a radio announcer here,
isn't he?

Yeah, that's right. Have you heard his
morning show, "Wake up with Flemm"?

Not yet.

Now up, Atlantic Hotel's
Lee Mistlehorne.

He actually made
the all-stars in high school.

Really?
You must be very proud of him.

I didn't really
know him back then.

He was actually dating Maggie...
at the time.

I mean, he never really-
They were never gonna...

get engaged or anything,
It was just like, you know.

Sometimes he'd call her Magpie,
and it was really irritating.

But- I don't know why
I'm telling you this.

No, this is good.

- He's stealing third!
- Yes!

Safe!

Excellent!

Yes! Yes! Whoo!

Safe!

- I love it!
- Uh-huh!

Yeah!

- Good one!
- Magpie!

Just-

Excellent!

It's nice that
they're... still friends.

Yeah, I mean, that was just a long time
ago. And you know, it's just-

So- Excuse me.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

That makes it Alumni, nine,
Hale students eight.

- Hey, Peggy?
- Hey.

Cookies for today's game
were donated by Betty Trout.

Now up for the Comets,
Jordan Hill.

You have been here,
What, like three minutes?

What did you do to her?.

- You could just turn that finger around.
- Excuse me?

Oh, Cory, Cory, Cory!
Pow, pow, pow, pow. What is this about?

You know what? We have all
been friends our entire lives.

A type of relationship
that you obviously don't understand.

I'm not the only one
who does not understand.

The U.S.S. Maggie
leaves quite a wake.

Excuse me.

Pot-stirrer man.

Cory Flemming
to Lee Mistlehorne to Dr. Ettinger.

Hey. All right.

That's cheering.
I'm cheering normal.

Cheer. Normal.

- Good morning, Peggy.
- Good morning.

Do you think I flirt with Cory?

Good morning to you too.
You look good.

Thank you.

Do you think I flirt with Cory?

- Yes.
- I don't mean to.

I know. I think sometimes
you just sort of...

spaz out with excess
flirtatious energy

and it just lands
on anything male that moves.

Anything male that moves?

As opposed to anything male
that doesn't?

Well, like certain kinds of coral.

I'm definitely going to have
to kill myself today.

Why?

Because you think I'm all like,
"Hey, man, check me out. "

No, I don't.
I think you're like...

"I'm charming and mysterious
in a way that even I don't understand,

and something about me is crying out
for protection from a big man like you. "

It's very hard to compete with.

Especially as... married women
who've lost our mystery.

Lost- You hav-
You are totally mysterious.

No. I'm weird.

Weird and mysterious
are two very different things.

- I'm weird.
- No, you're quirky.

Quirky and weird
are two very different things.

Peggy, I think there
is a distinct possibility...

that I am profoundly
and irreversibly screwed up.

Despite that,

I love you and I promise...

to no longer flirt with Cory.

Maggie, I'm not worried
about you and Cory,

or me and Cory,

or you being
irreversibly screwed up.

Maggie, you've been like this
since we were kids.

And all I'm thinking is,
now that you're aware of it,

and that it hurts
people's feelings sometimes,

maybe it's time to get on with life,
and commit to someone of your own,

like Bob, if he's the one.

I know.

Is there anything I can do to...
make it up to you?

Well, there's always...

the thing that brings
warmth to my heart,

and that is duckbill platypus.

Duckbill- That is only funny
in like Camp Birchwood on...

Just do it.

a trip with the tent and my leg
as the pole and it's raining.

And you know.
That's the only time that's funny.

Let's just see.

Oh.

It's so humiliating.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Lee. Hey, wake up. Hey.

- Hello?
- Hi.

Gimme the key to the reporter's
room. I wanna snoop around.

- Come on, quick. Wake up.
- Second floor.

- Thank you.
- Don't take anything big.

Okay.

Hopefully his favorite.

My theory is she's running...

because she gets negative attention.

Negative attention is attention.

You know, like when women whack you
on the street because of your column.

That's negative attention.

We're talking about
her negative attention, not mine.

"How does she get all
those guys to propose?

She's not that beautiful. "

Bite me, paper boy.

Hi, Ike.

You put your shoes out at night,
they're real shiny in the morning.

- Sometimes they don't bring 'em back.
- Mmm, why take a chance?

Good night.

All right.
I know you're in there. I saw it.

You realize you're messing
with the First Amendment now.

Come on, open up.

Come on!

We should have
a very serious discussion...

about why you are
such a pain in the ass!

Open the door!

I'm coming in.
I'm coming through.

It's your last chance.
Here I come!

Here I come!

All right.

Breaking and entering. That's a felony.
I'm calling the sheriff.

You know what?
You do that.

Can you remind him that he's
bringing the wine to the luau?

It'll save me a call. Thanks so much.

Hey, Ike, does your friend
have a sister?.

Wait for the original.
She'll be available in a week.

Freeze. Oh, hold on to those covers.
I didn't come to see Ike Junior.

I take it the desk clerk
is one of your many admirers.

So, your notes made for...
interesting reading.

What's your point?

My point is, once again,
you're getting it all wrong.

And that's not gonna improve
your reputation,

and it's not very flattering
to me, either.

So, I decided that I would
help you write the truth.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I've decided to cooperate
and let you interview me...

for

I want a big wedding
and a killer dress.

And for a grand, I will answer all your
questions and let you follow me around.

The magazine does not
spend money for stories.

It's not what you would call ethical.

I meant you.

I figured you probably
got severance or expenses or both.

I'm guessing
that you're writing on spec.

And, with a first-person interview,
you might actually sell that thing.

- Too much.
- Seven-fifty.

- Five hundred.
- Six-fifty.

Done.

Is that supposed to be a joke?
I know what you're whistling.

- Hello.
- Hi.

This is a birthday present
for my cousin.

That's great.

Wonderful stuff. All these found
industrial parts and things.

A lamp tree.

That's great.

- Is this- That's your preferred logo?
- I think so.

It's nice. The whole thing is great.

I think you could sell
these lamps in New York.

Maybe someday.

- You afraid to try?
- No, no. I'm not afraid.

Just... someday.

This is Brian.

Oh, Father Brian.

- And Gill's, of course.
- Gill, yeah.

And... George.

He proposed at a butterfly farm
in Saint Thomas.

The ring was inside a cocoon.

Ahh. A little too
Silence of the Lambs for my taste but-

Well, he's an entomologist.
I thought it was very unique.

And, finally, Bob.

He proposed during
the seventh-inning stretch...

at an Oriole game.

Wait, wait.
Wait, don't tell me.

The scoreboard lit up
with "Marry me Maggie. "

It was one of the most
wonderful moments of my life.

Highly suspect.

What do you mean?
It was incredibly romantic.

Look, maybe it's just me, but...

if you gotta dress it up like that,
it just doesn't ring true.

You know,
I, I think the most...

that anybody
can honestly say is:

"Look, I guarantee there'll be
tough times. I guarantee...

"at some point one or both of us
is gonna want to get out of this thing.

"But I also guarantee that
if I don't ask you to be mine,

"I'll regret it
the rest of my life.

"Because I know, in my heart...

you're the only one for me. "

I like it.

I'd like it better
on a scoreboard.

So, is that what you said when
you asked your wife to marry you?

Don't look so surprised. You've got
"divorce" written all over you.

I'm a work-in-progress.

So, is that what
you said to her?.

No, I think I said
something very eloquent like,

"So, um,

"maybe you and I should,
you know-

What do you think? Huh?"

Now, that's romantic.

And with a proposal like that,
you didn't find eternal bliss?

What went wrong?

I don't know.

- You don't know?
- No.

Maybe you should ask her sometime.
Ever thought of that?

Even with everything
that's happened,

I have still never been married.

And I still deserve
a beautiful dress.

Mrs. Whittenmeyer?.

Where are you going?

- Hi, Polly.
- Hi, Maggie.

You'll have to excuse her. Some of
the children are afraid of you...

since you dragged
that little boy up the aisle.

Drag-No.
I didn't, I did-

He tripped
on his own shoelaces.

You've come for your dress. Good.
It's in the back. I'll get it.

Actually, Mrs. Whittenmeyer.
I decided...

that I want to get this dress.

The one you have on hold
is lovely, dear.

I know, but I've just-
I've changed my mind.

This is

And I have

The other one is only dear.

Um- Is that dress for sale?

It's just a lot of money to spend
on one of your dresses, Maggie.

After all, you only wear them
for about ten minutes or so.

Um, yeah, yeah.

I guess that's true.

Uh, the other dress is, is nice.

- Mrs. Whittenheimer?.
- Meyer.

Whittenmeyer. Could I talk
to you just for a second?

Come here. I don't know much
about this kind of thing.

I'm from out of town.
But you're a salesperson, right?

- You're here to sell wedding dresses.
- I've been here 30 years.

Perfect! Because
Miss Carpenter is here to buy one.

Ah. But not just any one.
She wants that one.

- It's Listen, Aunt Bee.

Verbal communication was never perfect
for me. Let's try visual, all right?

We're buying the dress.

Now, we'll have
this nice beautiful dress.

And anything else she wants,
it's hers. Okay? All right?

What do you think?

You look-

You look fine.

Fine.

You're reading your newspaper
upside down.

That's gotta
be better than "fine. "

Yeah.

Come on, now.
Admire me.

Get the whole picture.
Right?

I'm gonna have my hair up
somehow.

I don't know.
Maybe with a little in the back.

And, my favorite feature...

is that it kind of swishes
like a bell, when I move.

Ding. Ding.

Ding. Ding.

It works.

Bob will be very happy.

Oh, Bob! We gotta go.
We gotta go meet Bob.

Oh, jeez, yeah, I'm going to the luau.
I never miss it. The barbershop-

Mrs. Pressman, we're ready
to order here, I think.

I'm all out of the special-

That's all right. I'm gonna have
the garden omelet, egg whites only.

- Okay.
- That sounds good. I'll have the same.

Of course.

What is that? I can't even order eggs
without sarcasm from you?

- You're on the same team now.
- What is that sound?

Have some water.

- Penalty box. Penalty box. Hmm?
- What is it? Fur ball?

Ike, Maggie is the sweetest person
you're ever gonna meet.

But she focuses too much out there.

She needs to start
focusing more in here.

That's why I think
she's had, uh,

whatever you wanna call 'em-
problems in the past.

And that's what
we're working on. Focus.

- Focus. Focus on Maggie. Focus.
- Mm-hmm.

Focus on Bob. Focus on Bob.

I've been runnin' Maggie
through these visualization exercises.

All the sports shrinks
use this head stuff.

Visualize the end zone.

Visualize that hole-in-one.

Tell me. When you get to the altar,
do you spike the bouquet?

- Okay, you know what-
- Well, I'm off.

A reporter's work
is never done.

See you later.
Bye, Mrs. Pressman. Thank you.

I'm gonna go focus
on your eggs, Bob.

I'm glad you're here.
I wanted to try to explain.

There are reasons why there have been
three weddings and no "I do's. "

You can't believe how much cake
we got stuck with.

It's a wonder
I don't weigh 300 pounds!

And then, her father bought
all that booze that nobody drank.

- But he didn't mind that-
- Hi, Grandma.

Hi, Netta.

Grammy here was giving me the skinny
on why you run from marital bliss.

Right. Netta,
cover up your ears.

It's not that she's afraid
of the wedding.

She's afraid of the wedding night!

Innocent girls are terrified
of the one-eyed snake.

Why, when I was a virgin bride,

I took a knitting needle
to bed with me.

Grandma, I charmed...

- the one-eyed snake a while ago.
- Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Well, I tell you one thing. Your
grandpa never forgot that wedding night.

Netta, you can take
your hands down.

- The tea's cold.
- Good.

Could you excuse us for a minute?
May I have a word with you, please?

Oh. Bye, Netta. Bye.

Thanks, Grammy.

I found this, and I didn't know
if it was something interesting.

- My- This is Miles Davis!
- I was cleaning out the attic and-

This is very hard to find
in good condition.

- Hold on to this. This is incredible.
- Why don't you take it?

Take it.

You're figuring out what kind of music
I like, finding me a rare album.

You're not trying
to butter me up, are you?

I was cleaning out the attic,

not attempting the impossible.

I smell trouble.

This is Cory Flemming,
and I'll be featuring the music...

of Denise and Da Nephews,
tomorrow morning on "Wake Up With-"

What do we got here?

Come on, big guy.

Oh, on our feet.
Here we go.

Let's go, let's go,
big guy. Yeah.

I haven't had any fun
since you got your driver's license.

Let me give you a tip. I haven't
been having a whole lot of fun either.

Steady.

- Good boy, Porthole.
- His name's Skipper, Dad.

- I changed it.
- Ah. Okay, step.

I'll be back later, Travis.

That guy Travis really has a problem.

- I'll get-
- Here we are.

Okay, steady.

You're gonna lean,
I'm gonna push.

Good daughters
let their fathers pass out.

Hey, Walter.
Right down there.

I, I- Please, please
don't write anything-

Forget about it.
Don't even think about it.

I'm just so tired
of this whole scene.

Why don't you just let him
sleep it off here in the truck?

Come for a ride with me,
come back for him later.

Okay.

He's been drinking more and more
since my mom passed away.

That's when you quit school
to come back here?

Yeah, I had to come
run the store for my dad.

My dad had
a small printing business.

He wanted me to become
a classical musician.

My mother wanted me
to be a novelist.

They were 0-for-two.

More?

So, I, uh-
I became a reporter.

Not quite a novelist.
But as we all know,

journalism is literature
in a hurry.

What? What is this?

What kind of gas did you put
in here? Diesel?

I don't know.
The pump the closest to the car.

This car takes unleaded.
Your filter is clogged.

Can you fix it?

- I'm gonna need to get some tools.
- Oh, good.

Kind of isolated here.

Yeah, it's nice.

Well, if there's one thing
us New Yorkers know how to do,

that's hail a cab.

If there's no cab, we walk.

Uh, well, if we saved
the battery here,

there's a place just down the way.

We country girls cut across the field.
It's quicker.

Oh, be careful of snakes.

- What?
- Snakes.

I don't like snakes.

Walk nice.
They won't get ya.

Come on, come on, come on!

What are you-
What are you doing? Snake dance?

I'm scaring the snakes.

- You're scaring me.
- I'm scaring myself.

Do you think there's
one right person for everybody?

No, but I think attraction...

is too often mistaken
for rightness.

Attraction is very misleading.

- Yes, it is.
- Yeah.

- And it doesn't mean anything.
- No.

No, no.
It doesn't mean anything. It means-

I, uh,

suddenly forgot
how to climb a fence.

- Tools.
- Tools. Yeah.

- Lionel? Do you have tools?
- Hey, Maggie!

What are you gonna do?
Bust out of another wedding?

Sure are well-known 'round here.

No, Fish, it's almost done. I swear.

This story's taken
a very interesting turn.

I've got one more interview
to do up in New York. I'll see you later.

You could've told me that
you were fianc, number three.

And end up in the papers?

I've been humiliated enough already
to last a lifetime. Thank you.

I was traveling around,

studying the reproductive
and migratory patterns of locusts...

when Maggie met me.

Tell me, George.
Why do you think she ran?

Just like you said.
What did you call her?. A man-eater?.

A devouring death goddess.
All right?

That's what I said.
But I don't think that's why she ran.

Oh, why do you think she ran?

I don't know. I am working on it.
I was on the wrong track.

- Are you defending her?.
- No, no.

I call it like I see it.
I'm a journalist. I'm a truth teller.

- Unbelievable.
- What?

She got to you, too.
like a moth to a flame.

- Please!
- Join the club.

- What are you talking about?
- You need this much more than I do.

I am a journalist. I'm doing an article.
Look. See? I'm being paid.

This will be published. A cover story.
You'll get all the facts, in the article.

Do you know what kind
of eggs she liked?

Poached, same as me.

An overpriced apartment
and Chinese take-out.

That's New York living.

Fisher, don't forget
the fortune cookies.

I already read the fortune.
You don't wanna know.

He makes me crazy.

Hostility is a very important part
of your foreplay, isn't it?

It takes three people
to make our marriage work:

him, me and our therapist.

Ellie, what went wrong?

With us,
with the two of us, I mean.

I know It's been a long time.
Do you remember?.

Yeah. Do I remember?.
Of course I do.

Is that what-
Did I do the same-

Is that what happened?
Did I just... not see you?

No. No, you didn't.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Ellie.

I'm sorry too, Ike.

Wow, that only took us
12 years to say.

Hey, I saw that, you cad.

You asked for it, you got it.
Here you go.

My dear.

Get your fortune.
Let me see what-

"Confucius say, man who leave wife alone
with ex-husband may leave altogether. "

- Lights and everything.
- I hope it's better than last year.

Or the last ten years.

Let's have a hand for
our fabulous hula dancers!

There they are.
King and Queen.

Walter, I'm thinking about
going back to my maiden name.

Can you still remember it?

What? It's nice, you know.

It's just I haven't seen him
in 24 hours and I would...

feel better if I knew
where he was. You see?

Welcome to our annual luau.

- What can I get you?
- Aloha, Mister Trout.

Uh, you got something
without a toy in it?

- Get down, Sprout.
- The next three.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm hearing it here.

Aloha!

It's a very fetching headdress
you're wearing.

Where did-
Where did you disappear to?

Missed me bad, huh?

And we have a winner right here!

Yeah! All right, Bob!

Well, it's chow time
here on the islands,

and we Trouts have prepared
our traditional feast, ShrimpTrout.

So, let's all meet over at the tables.

You're not allergic
to shrimp, are you?

- Mmm, no.
- Pity.

Attention!
Pay attention to Walter.

Listen closely. He slurs.

In the tradition...

that has grown over the years,
it is now toast time.

First up, our host,

Lou "A Honey of a Beekeeper" Trout.

May the groom's heart
be filled with hope...

and the bride's feet
filled with lead.

May the pitter-patter of little feet
not be Maggie's.

- May the gifts be returnable.
- I took mine back.

You know the old saying.
"You're not losing a daughter"?

Well, I'd like to.

Maggie may not be
Hale's longest running joke,

but she is certainly the fastest.

Good one, Dad.

Walter, maybe Mr. Graham
will say something.

Ah, here we are. Would you like
to say something, Mr. Graham?

Yeah, just a minute.
I don't know yet. You okay?

Come on, Ike. Take a shot at Maggie
live. It's more fun than print.

Excuse me?

It's a joke.
They're kidding.

Yeah, come on. Let's go.

All right. We'll have a toast!

To Maggie's family and friends.

May you find yourselves...

the bull's-eye of an easy target.

May you be publicly flogged
for all of your bad choices,

and may your noses be rubbed
in all of your mistakes.

Well, that was funny,
but enough toasting. Let's hula!

Everybody!
Let's get up and start the band!

We're gonna make a line
right down here.

Maggie. Maggie?

Lou, where are those hula dancers?

Here. She might need this.

Where'd Maggie go to?

She went to get me something
from her car.

- Maybe she needs help.
- B-B-B-Bob. Okay.

The guard, who threw the block?
Forrest Gregg.

No, Elijah Pitts.

- He's a running back.
- The Fridge. Refrigerator Perry?

Maggie?

Hey. Here's a coat.

- Put this coat on. It's cold.
- Don't pretend to be a nice person.

I was the only person
in there defending you.

You humiliated me!

No, Maggie, I defended you. Humiliating
you is what everyone else did in there.

- That is the theme of the party tonight.
- No. It was under control.

Now they all feel sorry for me!

They should. They're about
to see you hang yourself again.

What do you keep-

Tell me something.
Do you really care about Mount Everest?

It's fun. It's high.

Sexual practices of locusts?

Every one of those times
I was being supportive.

Not supportive.
You weren't being supportive!

You were scared!
You were scared then, you're scared now!

You are the most lost woman-

- Lost?!
- Yes, lost. You are so-

You are so lost, you don't even know
what kind of eggs you like.

- Yes. Yes!
- What?

That's right. With the priest,
you wanted scrambled.

With the Dead Head,
it was fried.

With the bug guy,
it was poached.

Now it's like, "Oh, egg whites only.
Thank you very much. "

That is called
changing your mind.

No, that's called
not having a mind of your own.

Maggie, what are you doing?!

You really want that guy up there
to drag you...

up Annapurna for your honeymoon?

You do not want to climb
Annapurna!

Yes, I do!

No, you don't.

You want a man who'll
lead you down the beach...

with his hand over your eyes...

just so you can discover
the feel of the sand under your feet.

You want a guy that'll
wake you up at dawn.

He's just bursting to talk to you.
Can't wait another minute...

just to find out
what you'll say.

Am I right?

Stop it.

I am getting married on Sunday.

And you are just trying
to make me run.

Because you're
a cynical, exploitive,

mean-hearted creep...

who wouldn't know real love
if it bit him in the armpit.

All you do is...
is tear others down,

and laugh at them
and criticize what they do...

because you're too afraid
to do anything yourself.

I read your columns.

You never once wrote
anything about yourself.

I am not the only one
that is lost.

And you know it.

Am I right?

Am I right?

Mag?

Hey! Help me out here.

Green Bay right guard.

Uh, you know,
Bart Starr, uh-

- You okay?
- Yes.

- I'll take you inside. Okay?
- Uh-huh.

Okay.

Jerry Kramer.

Jerry Kramer!
I started on the Ice Bowl story.

Hey, Grandma.

- What's for lunch?
- Turkey and cheese.

Honey, your grandmother and I...

are thinking about having
a wedding gift museum.

- Stop.
- What?

Stop. Don't say
another word like that.

- Maggie, it was just a joke.
- No!

It's humiliating,
and it's gone on long enough.

You may not like that
you have a daughter with problems.

But guess what?

I don't like that I have a father
who's drunk all the time.

I'll eat in my room.

Tell me why Maggie's
having another rehearsal,

and two days before the wedding.

She's already done this.

Well, Bob insisted
she visualize the ceremony.

Okay, we're ready.
You want me to have Ike leave now?

Actually,
let's make Ike the pastor.

Uh, I'd rather not.

No, it'll give you a great view.
I think it's perfect.

- Hey.
- Okay.

Team effort, Pastor Ike.

- He's gonna be the pastor?.
- Yes. Yes.

Because I want him front and center
so he can just see everything.

- Right up there. That's it.
- Okay.

- Cindy, foyer.
- Okay.

Ready?

What happened at the luau?

I- I don't- I don't wanna
talk about the luau, okay?

- What is this?
- It's for the bell.

- Bob's in a hurry.
- Oh.

- Girls!
- Okay, Maggie, remember what Bob said.

Let us visualize. Be the ball.
Sink the putt.

- Make the shot.
- Nothing but net.

- Never say die.
- Move your butts.

- Girls, where are you?
- On our way, Coach.

The bell. Ooh.

What's she doing?

She's being the bell
instead of the ball.

Sanctuary. Sanctuary.

Mags, you okay?

Anyway-

At this pace,
this could become an evening wedding.

Okay, okay.
You know something? It's great.

I think we're taking this a little
too fast. You're tensing. You feel it?

Right?

We just need to limber you up
for a second. Ike, come here.

You're me. Stand here so
she knows how far she's gotta come.

Honey, I'm gonna walk
with you. Okay?

Now he's the groom?

Just relax.
Limber, visualize.

Visualize.
Relax. Limber.

You are the football,
spiraling through the air...

into the waiting hands of the groom.

I'm spiraling
through the air.

Right.

I am...

streaking...

toward the... goal line.

Keep eye contact. Keep eye contact.

And I land on the goal line.

Good. Good.

Okay, I'm the pastor
and I say, "Dearly beloved,

"we're gathered here,
blah, blah, blah, blah,

"so on and so forth,
rat-a-tat-tat, yabba-dabba.

I now pronounce you man and wife. "

Kiss the bride.
We have the organ crescendo.

That just leads us
right on down the aisle.

And we are man and-

No!

Maggie?

Uh, Mag-

Okay, okay, okay.

So if you were imagining me,
y- you did great.

What the hell were you doing?

Bob, I'm really sorry.
She... kissed me back.

- I kissed you back?
- Yes, you did. You kissed me back.

Yeah, caught that.

You wanna tell me how long
this has been going on?

- About a minute.
- Longer for me.

Really?

What do you expect me
to say to this?

- Hello.
- Well, Bob, you could say,

"Well, I hope you two
will be really happy together. "

I hope you two will be
really happy together.

Uh, take care of him.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bob! Bob!

Bob, I'm sorry. I-I'm-

At least this time I backed out
before the wedding. That's progress.

You are gonna find some woman...

who can make you so much happier
than I ever could.

- Look out.
- Ooh! See?

See? It's happening already.

- She's good with needy men.
- Yeah.

Uh, yeah.

- Well, um... why don't you...
- Yeah.

- just call me later?.
- Okay.

Bob, this may not be a good time,
but here's my number.

Drive safely, Bob.

Kid wants to lock up, go home.

How's Bob?

Okay.

So, what just happened just now?

- Then... in there?
- I don't know. I, I, I-

Frankly, I don't even
want to talk about it.

Me neither.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

- No, no, no. No, wait. Stop.
- Mmm? Mmm?

No, no, no, no.
We gotta- We have to talk.

We have to talk. We have to do
some talking now, all right?

Just-Come over here.
Pull up a-

- Pull up a rail.
- I was enjoying the- Okay.

All right. Just give me
a little space here.

Okay.

All right.

Do you think may-

Well, you do have a dress.

And the church.

And the wedding date.

And there's the two of us.

Maybe-

You do have to go down the aisle
with somebody...

that you love,

- and who loves you back.
- Who?

I'm okay with that.

So am I.

I'm getting married.

Do you do this often?

Well, there's not a lot
to do around here.

I just believe
he's listening to you.

His hair, any color.

I like his tight butt.

- Grandma.
- Well, I do.

I'll see you at the wedding. Right?
You're gonna be there, huh?

- Thirty-seven hours.
- I didn't miss the first one.

We're gonna spend part of the time here
in town 'cause he wants to write a book.

You always wanted
to write a novel.

I feel inspired here.
I feel like I can write. I wanna write.

Ike is getting married.

Fisher, if you pee on that Persian,
I'm gonna kill you.

Hi. It's him.
He's on the phone.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Pick that up.

- What are you doing?
- It's all right.

- Nothing.
- Wow. I see the most beautiful girl.

He can see me.

Bet's up!

Aah! Double jack!

You were trying to cheat!
It doesn't work.

Ah! Oh, my God.

I'm the winner!

Now, this is
a mature relationship.

Wedding bells are ringing
today in Hale, Maryland.

Maggie Carpenter, always a bride,
never a bridesmaid, is attempting...

to complete
her fourth wedding ceremony.

We'll be back when results are in.
Back to you, Jessica.

The turnout for this morning's
ceremony is...

usually saved
for royalty or movie stars,

but Maggie Carpenter
is Hale, Maryland's very own star.

T- shirts here.
I got, "Bye, Bye, Bride-ee. "

I got, "What Part of

Get your "Runaway Bride"
T- shirts here.

Will she or won't she?

That is on the minds of several
hundred folks standing here,

not to mention on the mind of groom
number four, who is missing in action.

- He's gonna stand me up.
- Of course he's gonna come,

because today I saw...
eight geese flying in a "V."

You with the lucky geese!
You always see geese!

Not eight!

- And in "V."
- Eight is better?.

- Eight in a "V." Can you imagine?
- "V." "V" for, uh-

- Victory? Victory!
- Great!

- And... velcro?
- Okay.

Velcro! Stick together!

- Virginal!
- No, no.

I- I'm sweaty. I'm nervous.
Where are my bags?

- Okay. No.
- No bags! Bags are for later.

- Rub your ears.
- Rub your ears. That's a great idea.

That's a very good idea. Rub your ears.
Cory does that to me sometime.

- A little "ooo," and you just "whoo. "
- We do it to the dog.

Get your "I Don't Think She Will" shirt.

These shirts are not sold in stores.

- Here comes Ike Graham!
- Showtime.

That's better.
It's pretty nice, actually.

- Yeah, it's nice.
- He's here!

Oh, the ear! Ahh! I see him!

Ike Graham has arrived at the church.

- Is this your first marriage?
- Is this your last marriage?

Any little Grahams in the future?

Oh, he gets whacked!

- All right, okay.
- This is such a good sign.

All right! Okay!

Get this-
Who makes this stuff?

- The veil is not attacking you.
- Okay, okay.

- Now is the time to calm down.
- Yes, okay.

'Cause if you don't get calm,
we won't get your dress on.

A girl can't get married in flannel.

He's the one.
He really is the one.

You're not invited.

Go back to New York.
Get outta here.

He's the one!

We gotta hurry 'cause
the Sunday school kids are coming.

- Mrs. Pressman.
- There's no microphone.

- Please put it there. No, no fun.
- You're no fun.

I was gonna do
this Scorsese thing-

- Whatever. Just do it. Shoot, shoot.
- Ike.

Friends! Oh, God!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

- Thank you. We are friends, aren't we?
- Of course we are.

- You'll be my best man.
- Good, but I'm not sure I'm the best.

Go see the pastor.
He'll tell you what to do.

All right.

If someone will tell me
what to do.

Mmm. You always
looked great in that suit.

And, Ike?

I'm happy for you, honey.

I have a car out back for you
in case she decides to run.

I have an invitation.
Lou! He's with me.

You look terrible.

Thanks.

Here.

- Ike, I'm glad it's you.
- Really?

I wouldn't want to have
found out...

I wasn't the one
for her in the fourth quarter.

Well, Coach,
any final advice?

Maintain eye contact.

Eye contact.

Eye contact.
Eye contact. Eye contact.

What have you got going on here?

You wanna look just special
for the wedding.

You should thank me and Lou for
lending you the wedding car. '63 Buick.

Thank you, Mrs. Trout.

What are you saying?
We're practically family.

- How's that there?
- My name is Fisher. What's yours?

Nice. Betty.
That doesn't want to come out, does it?

- You just pulled a hair from my neck.
- There we are.

- Mrs. Trout, please. This is my wedding.
- Yes.

Sit down. Thank you.
We're starting soon.

- Who was that?
- Mrs. Trout.

- He doesn't have a-
- Don't do- Don't.

I just want that to be able to-
Fold it in the pocket.

- Right in the pocket.
- Please! Just go-

- Good luck, sweet girl.
- Oh, thank you, grandma. I love you.

- I'm really rooting for this one.
- Okay, Dad.

The place is packed...

with the whole town of Hale
on the bride's side,

and with many
New Yorkers on the groom's side.

- Is this taken?
- No.

I'm Elaine from Manhattan.

- I'm Bob, Maggie's fourth attempt.
- I'm sorry.

That's okay.
There's a lid for every pot.

And I'm comfortable with Ike.

It's like Jack Dempsey lost
his heavyweight title to a New Yorker.

Right. Gene Tunney.

Spit!

Let's go.

Uh, okay. No sauntering down the aisle.
I don't like that.

- Make time. Just get there. Just go.
- Fine.

All rise, please.

The bride is walking
down the aisle.

Maggie Carpenter
is walking down the aisle.

- Oh, she's pausing.
- Stay with me.

Keep eye contact.

Please be seated. Thank you.

I sneaked in a camera.

We are gathered here today-

Please, no cameras.

Could we hold off photos
until the end of the ceremony?

Thank you.

No.

- Where is she going?
- Don't.

- Maggie!
- Block the doors!

No, Maggie, don't!

Oh, never a dull moment
at a Maggie wedding.

There's a man coming with
lots of candy in his pocket.

If you tickle him, he'll give you all
his candy. Here you go, little queen.

- Maggie!
- Just tickle him.

- Give us some candy!
- Whoa. No, not me.

Get the naughty bride.
The naughty bride.

No, no.
It's an Armani suit.

Wait!

- Wait!
- Maggie!

Go. Go. Go, go.

Maggie! Maggie!

Don't do it! Don't!

Maggie!

- He's running after her.
- He's in pretty good shape, too.

Maggie! No, Maggie!

Where do you think she's going?

Wherever it is,
she'll be there by 10:30 tomorrow.

Maggie! No!

Maggie!

No! No!

Maggie!

Mr. Graham! Mr. Graham!

- Mr. Graham, what is your next move?
- How do you feel right now?

- What will you do?
- I know you must feel terrible.

- Mr. Graham, talk to us.
- That's enough.

Come on. Leave him alone.

"Hardware Honey
Goes Nuts and Bolts. "

How many times
is she gonna do this?

And finally, in local news,

the mayor has requested that we all
stop gossiping about last week's...

Maggie Carpenter "almost wedding. "

This is Cory Flemming
for W-HALE saying...

may the Good Lord make you smart
enough to live in a small town.

And we cut.

Camera loves you.

- Hey, you okay?
- Yeah.

I'm closing.
You wanna go to Butch's for a drink?

Uh, you know,
I'm gonna finish up here,

and then I think
I'll just head home.

Okay.

You know,

I was thinking about
that "V" thing.

And I think
the "V" in the geese...

was half of a "W" for-

For, uh-

- W-W-what are you talking about?
- Wedding. Wedding.

You just gotta get
the rest of your ducks in a row.

Thank you.

- So, you still think that he-
- You're quick.

You're very quick.

Okay, here we go.

- Ike, how's it going?
- Hey, Marvin.

That good, huh?

Hi, it's me.

Leave a message after the beep.

Hello, Ike.

Don't tell me my doorman
is one of your many admirers.

I'm making friends with your cat.

Is it okay that I'm here?

I don't have much choice
in the matter, do I?

But, I can't speak for Italics.
Traitor.

I don't blame you for being mad.

Or furious.

Irate? Livid.

What is it, Maggie?

You here on business?

By the way, I saw your lamps.

They're terrific. Yeah, really.

It's something I've always wanted to-

You could make breaking and entering
into a new career.

So, what are you
doing here anyway?

I wanted to talk to you...

about why I run,

sometimes ride, away from things.

- Does it matter?.
- I think so.

When I was walking down the aisle,
I was walking toward somebody...

who had no idea who I really was.

And it was only half
the other person's fault...

because I had done everything
to convince him...

that I was exactly what he wanted.

So, it was good...

that I didn't go through with it
because it would've been a lie.

But you-

You knew the real me.

Yes, I did.

I didn't.

Still, I ended up
chasing a truck.

I can't, um,
do anything about the truck.

But, uh-

- Benedict.
- Arnold.

I love eggs Benedict.

I hate all the other
kinds of eggs.

I hate big weddings,
everybody staring.

I'd like to get married on
a weekday while everybody's at work.

And if I ride off into the sunset,
I want my own horse.

- Should I be writing this down?
- And there's something else.

No, you can tell me.
Don't-

Okay.

These are for you.

- Used-
- Well, they're mine.

I'm turning in
my running shoes to you.

This is serious.

And there's one more thing.

I know, the mind reels that
there could be more after this.

But, um, if you could just have a seat.

Let's just not have that there.

Okay. Okay.

- Oh, no. My, God, no.
- No, no. Don't hide your face.

This happens once in a lifetime,
and it's definitely a first for me.

You're not gonna want to miss it,
so pay close attention.

I love you,
Homer Eisenhower Graham.

Will you marry me?

I gotta think about this
a little bit.

- Good. I was hoping you would say that.
- You were not! Not true.

If you'd said yes, I wouldn't
be able to do this next part...

and I've been practicing so let me-

Okay.

- Ready?
- I'm listening.

I guarantee
that we'll have tough times.

And I guarantee
that at some point...

one or both of us
will want to get out.

But I also guarantee...

that if I don't ask you to be mine,

I'll regret it
for the rest of my life.

'Cause I know in my heart...

you're the only one for me.

That's a pretty
good speech, Maggie.

I borrowed it from
this writer I know.

So?

Dance with me.

We are gathered here
today to celebrate the union...

of Maggie Carpenter and Ike Graham.

- Do you have the rings?
- Yes.

Do you, Ike, take Maggie
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Do you, Maggie, take Ike
to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

In this life that you share together,

may your individuality
strengthen your love.

With the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Guess what? She did it!

Maggie Carpenter got married.

Betty, she did it! She did it!