Rumpus in the Harem (1956) - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[SNORING, WHISTLING]

[SOBBING]

Moe!

Shemp!

Larry!

ALL:

Wake up! We've got to see you.

Okay, girls, we'll be

with you in a jiffy.

Larry, get up.

Shemp, wake up.

Our sweethearts are here.

Listen, Larry. We--

[SNORING]

Oh, yeah.

Man the lifeboats.

Me and the women first.

[SNORING]

Come on.

Get up, get up.

Hey, breakfast.

Where?

Come on,

our girls are here.

Rise and shine.

Boy, it's only 10:00

in the morning.

I wonder what they're doing

here so early.

Maybe it's because

we're so irresistible.

Oh, yeah. That could be.

Oh!

Why you...

Hurry up!

Let us in!

All right, I'm coming.

Oh, we have to talk to you.

We're in trouble.

[ALL CRYING]

Take it easy, girls.

I'll call Shemp.

Shemp, get up.

Sheba, Reba and Heba

are here.

Come on.

What's this?

"You guys snore so loud

I couldn't sleep,

"so I've gone down to open the

restaurant. Will see you later.

"P.S. If you don't

get this note let me know

"and I'll write you another.

Signed, Shemp."

How do you like that dummy?

Our guardian

is going to sell us

to the Sultan of Pishpash. Oh!

Unless we each pay him 1000

shilbleenas of virgin tax.

Within three days.

ALL:

And we don't have the money.

[ALL SOBBING]

Oh, gosh. Gee, girls,

we don't have the money either.

After all, we're only poor

owners of a small restaurant.

ALL:

Oh, woe is us!

Girls, girls, girls.

Please.

Please, don't worry.

We have three days.

We'll get the money.

We hope.

Yeah. If worse comes to worse

we can rob a bank.

He's being working around

thieves so much

he's beginning

to think like one.

Now, girls. Don't worry,

we'll find a way out. Cheer up.

But what if you don't?

[ALL SOBBING]

Girls, girls.

Have faith. In him.

Sure, smile.

Ring out those handkerchiefs

and blow your nose.

Boy, you're really weepy.

Service! Come on.

I need service.

[WAITERS CLAMORING]

Yes, sir.

We have all the service.

At your service.

Phew! Boy, if I hadn't ducked

we would've collided sure.

What a narrow escape.

[GASPS]

SHEMP:

What--

MOE:

What's the matter

with you?

We'll have you all fixed up

in a minute.

What's this? Oh, happy birthday.

[CHUCKLES]

I would leave it on.

People don't know if you're

coming or going with this on.

There you are, sir.

You look very pretty and the

spaghetti is as good as new.

Why you...

Moe!

Dog of dogs, how dare you?

A thousand pardons.

It was unavoidable.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

This will degrade you.

'Tis true,

I'm an aristocrat.

I'm Hassan Ben Sober.

I had a few too many

my self.

[LAUGHS]

Quiet. We gotta clean up

this mess.

Why you...

Get busy.

[MUMBLING]

Stop it,

will you?

Cut it out.

MAN:

Travel by night. Perhaps it--

Greetings. Greetings

Did you bring the map,

Hoffa Dolla.

Aye, chief.

But as I slit his throat...

[GROANS]

...with his dying breath

he said someone else

had a duplicate map.

'Tis bad.

We must leave at once

if we are to be the first to

reach King Rootin Tootin's tomb.

Make preparations

to depart immediately.

Aye, chief.

But remember the curse.

"He who touches

the jewel first,

is doomed

to a thousand deaths."

We must secure

the services of three.

Then when we get them

to do our bidding...

Yes, but we best

have food before we travel.

Boys,

we just gotta find a way

to get the money

for our sweethearts.

I got it!

I got it. I got it.

He's got it.

Tell us, kid.

What do you got?

A terrific headache.

Oh, I'll cure that.

MAN:

Service! Waiters!

Service! Waiters!

Here we are, at your service.

Oh!

What'll you have?

We want a--

We don't have anymore.

All we got left is rabbit

and hot dogs.

Rabbit.

Hot dog.

Hot dog!

I'll take rabbit.

Okay, coming up.

Coming right up. Coming

right now.

Here we are,

pepper and salt.

[MEOWING]

Scat!

Come here.

Come here, you.

[MEOWING]

LARRY: Well, I'll fix you.

[MUMBLING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Here.

[MEOWING]

[CAT MEOWING]

[THUD]

[MEOWING]

[THUD]

[MEOWING]

[MEOWING]

[CAT SCREECHING]

[THUDDING]

Catsup. Cat!

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERING]

Get out of here.

Come here you...

Oh, you think

you could get away.

Now I got you.

Come on.

Now I-- Gosh.

Mmm.

It couldn't be.

Or could it?

Now, you stay here,

you be a good boy.

You're gonna sit there.

[BARKING]

[BARKS]

[DOG CRIES]

[THUDDING]

Here you are, gentlemen.

Hot dogs. When it comes

to cooking I'm the cat's meow.

Sit down.

Oh, but I'm not tired.

I'll just stand

while you eat.

Sit down with your heads

on or off.

Y-You talked us into it.

Eat!

Eat!

[BARKS]

Did you hear anything?

Yeah, I did.

[MEOWING]

Sit down and eat.

Eat.

BOTH:

Eat.

[DOG WHIMPERING]

[CAT PURRING]

[MEOWING]

[CAT SCREECHES]

[SNEEZES]

Gesundheit.

[BARKS, GROWLS]

[SOBBING]

Eat!

Well.

[SCREAMS]

I killed it,

I killed it.

Oh, I killed it.

[SOBBING]

Shh.

This just can be.

[CAT SCREECHES]

[SCREAMS]

[HUMMING]

Forgot the mustard.

So you are

the perpetrator of this.

Sit down and eat.

Sit down.

A pleasure.

Thank you.

[MUMBLES]

[GROWLS, MEOWS]

[SCREAMS]

[CRASH]

[ALL CLAMORING]

[DOG BARKS]

[MEOWING]

[SIGHS]

There's the dog and cat. Why

didn't you tell me?

What?

Shut up.

Let him alone.

You too.

Oh, cut it out. Oh!

[BOTH GRUNT]

These three.

They are the ones

to get the jewel for us.

Right.

Gentlemen.

Who came in?

No, you.

How would you boys like to make

a thousand shilbleenas?

You've convinced us.

What do we have to do?

There is a diamond

worth a king's ransom.

You hear,

a king's ransom.

Gentlemen. This map will lead us

to the treasure.

Now, please.

Pay attention--

[SOBBING]

Ruin, defeated.

That murderist cutthroat.

He has the famous

100-karat diamond.

A hundred karats?

He sure knew his onions.

[CHUCKLES]

Quiet.

This map is useless

to me now.

With that diamond

I could've quit my job

as the doorman

at the Oasis Hotel.

[SOBBING]

Hey, spinach chin.

Do you mean to tell me

you're only a doorman?

Yes.

Well, there's the door, man.

Will you give me

five for this?

No,

but I'll give you two.

I'll take it.

Shut up.

[CRASH]

Moe. The Emir of Shmow stole

that Rootin Tootin diamond.

Yeah, and we're gonna

get it back from him.

Return it

to its rightful owner.

Get a big reward and then pay

the taxes for our sweethearts.

Yeah, but the Emir of Shmow

is a cutthroat.

Suppose he cuts my throat?

So, you'll look like

you have two mouths.

I'll look like I--

Now pay attention. Come here.

Now, here's the plan.

[MAN LAUGHING]

There he is.

And he's wearing the diamond.

[LAUGHING]

Now is our chance

to get it.

Yeah.

[GROWLING]

See Fi Fo Fum.

I'm the evil spirit that guards

the Rootin Tootin diamond.

Give it to me,

lest evil befall you.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Oh, hide, quick.

Somebody's coming.

Moe, scram.

[GRUNTS]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa. Here hold it.

I'll kill you.

[GUARD SCREAMS]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

You big, big men. Frightening us

defenseless women.

How dare you invade

the privacy of us frail women?

And you caught me

with my veil down.

[SCREAMS]

Take this, you coward, you rude,

you--

You should be ashamed

of yourselves.

Scaring us helpless girls.

You. You wolf you.

I'll teach you,

leave us little lambs alone.

[SCREAMS]

Get out of here.

[SCREAMS]

Hey, Larry, scram.

SHEMP:

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Moe! Larry!

[CLAMORING]

SHEMP:

Moe, help!

[SHEMP YELLING]

Moe, help!

Halt!

Hello.

Hello.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Hey, listen. We gotta

get out of here.

Return the diamond and pay

our girls' taxes. Come on.

Go on,

you heard the guy.

[YELLING]

GUARD:

I kill you!

Oh.

[♪♪♪]