Rumpelstiltskin (1995) - full transcript

In the 1400s, Rumpelstiltskin is imprisoned inside a small jade figurine. In modern-day Los Angeles, the recently widowed wife of a police officer, with baby in tow, finds her way into a witch's shop and purchases a certain figurine, resulting in the cackling beast being freed and demanding possession of the baby.

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(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(BABY CRYING)

(BABY CRIES)

(DOGS BARKING)

(PEOPLE YELLING)

Bastards!

She gave her word.

(PANTING)

(MOB YELLING)

(BABY CONTINUES TO CRY)

You gave your word.
I spun the gold.



No, no! My baby!
Please.

(GROWLING) Ahhh!
Please!

(SNARLS)

Help!

(GROWLS)

No! No! My baby!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN:
No. My baby!

Ahhh!

Come.

Bring the pain.

(GRUNTS)

Ahhh!
(GROANS)

Leave him to me!

Ahhh!



(GROWLING)

(GROANS)

(YELLS IN PAIN)

My baby!

(YELLING)

(WHEEZING)

Destroy us.

Kill the little monster!

You shall pay
for stealing the baby.

Round and round
my magic goes!

Ahhh!

She promised me
a baby!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN:
I spun the gold!

Liar!

The curse I give

will stay 1,000 years.

(SNARLS)

Broken only by a wish,
a child,

and heartfelt tears.

Ahhh!

Rumpelstiltskin.

You know my name.

Rumpelstiltskin.

Your magic be
black as pitch.

Rumpelstiltskin!

(RUMPELSTILTSKIN SCREAMS)

Kill him!

Get thee folks away.

(MAGICAL INCANTATION)

Into the sea

Rumpelstiltskin
shall sink.

No more babies to steal.

Eternal time to think.

♪ Push it to the...
push it to the...
push it to the limit

♪ I made it in a minute
I got to come to win it

♪ I teach a dope,
door-to-door,
float-a-dope style

♪ Showboat, glow the glow,
know the profile

♪ Low-key shows me,
everybody knows me

♪ Moe Dee, ho, heave,
the master of the flow heap

♪ Pumpin' and jumpin'
and bumpin' and thumpin'

♪ And comin'
with something different

♪ Flowin' and showin'
and growin' and knowin'

♪ There's something
you can give me

♪ A full effect,
bright array,
pump-it-right jam

♪ A dialect, I select,
I collect stamps

♪ To Baby Pop,
Mike Dough, LJ, Sam

♪ Time to get, time to get,
gonna get down

♪ Never sweat, never fret,
I always got a plan

♪ You know you know
you holdin'

♪ When you rollin'
with the man ♪

You really
like that stuff?

Hey, listen, Russ,
I may be a cop,
but I'm cool.

It helps me think,
you know?

Yeah, well,
stop thinking
and talk to me.

RUSSELL: I need
a boy's name that's a flower.

It's for Shelly.
She loves flowers.

I got it.

Bud.

Bud?
Bud.

That's a nickname.

Okay, yeah,
maybe you're right,
maybe you're right.

Oh, ooh, ooh!

You have got
one brilliant partner.

Okay, now, you ready?
It's not exactly
a flower, but...

Thorn. Huh?
Thorn Stewart.

You need a donut.
Oh, I need
a donut?

Yeah. Pull into
the liquor store.
Okay, okay.

Okay, Mr. Doughboy.
Now, you're the one
that needs a donut.

Okay.

This is squad 294.
We're going on a code 7.

DISPATCHER: Roger, 294.
Roger. Out.

Oh. Hi,
Mr. Police Officer.
Hi there.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(SIGHS)

This is Officer McCabe.

Shelly! Perfect timing.

Hey, Shel,
what do you think
of the name Thorn?

I hate it.

I mean, you know,
like on a rose?

I get it, John.
I just hate it.

I couldn't talk Russ
out of it, Shel.

He loves it.

Stop trying
to hit on my wife.

Ha!

Hi, honey.
Thorn?

Please. That's
the worst one yet.

But I forgive you
'cause I figured
it was John's idea.

How you feeling?

About eight months
pregnant,

and your son is
practicing field hockey
in my stomach.

I wish you'd hurry up
and come up
with a decent name.

I'm trying, I'm trying.

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, I know.

Oh, I know.

Oh, it's okay.

Oh, by the way,

we're almost out
of those little
marinated onions.

Do you think
you could stop
by the store

and pick up
a couple of jars?

Yeah. I'll pick up
a half a dozen.

Anything else?

Yeah. Some of that
frozen yogurt I like.

You know, the kind
that goes so well

with those marinated onions.

Walk away, bitch!
(SHRIEKS)

Give me those keys!

Let me get my baby,
all right?

WOMAN: Here, here,
you can take the keys.

Just let me get my baby
out of the car, okay?

Okay, just let me
have my baby!

Russ?

Freeze!

Russ!

Drop the gun!

(HEARTBEAT)

SHELLY: Russell!

Russell,
can you hear me?

Russ.

Oh, God. Russell,
please hear me!

Please let him hear me.

Russ! Russ!

Pick up the phone!
Russ!

(SOBS)

Oh, God,
don't let this happen.

It's going
to be okay, Shelly.

It's going
to be okay.

MAN: Larry, get these
parasites outside now.

Have they said anything?

He's still in
surgery, Shel.

He got Enzene.
He's the best.

You hang in there, Shelly.
He's a tough kid.

Yeah. Yeah, he is.

(DOOR OPENS)

I'm sorry.

Which one of you
topless dancers

was the first to lose
their virginity? Huh?

Come on.

I guess it would be
the slowest runner.

(LAUGHS)

Okay, I'm kidding.
It's a joke, a joke.

Let's get serious
for just one moment.
(BABY GURGLES)

Which one of you
has fake boobs?

Okay, we're about ready
to have your favorite.

Mmm. Orange slimy stuff.

Can you open your mouth?

Oh, good bite.

Good biting.

You hungry? Okay, here.
Here's some more.

MAN ON TV: Tina, let me
ask you something.

Do you know what men
are thinking about

when they're
looking at you?

I mean, come on.
You're a stroke magazine
come to life.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Shel?
Come on in, Hildy.

Hope I'm
interrupting lunch.
You are.

Here. Open wide
for some orange
slimy stuff.

Mmm.

(SHELLY CHUCKLES)

Wait a minute.
What is this?

What is Mel Gibson
doing in that highchair?

I'm looking
for baby John Stewart.

HILDY: Oh, look at you.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, no.

HILDY: Look at you.
(CHUCKLES)

MAN ON TV: Strippers
come out here in these
little, tiny underwears,

and they're putting money
in the underwears.

People,
if I was a stripper,

I'd have long johns on.

One way that I can tell,

the Max Bergman test
for fake boobs.

I want all you girls
to get up right now
and do me this favor.

Just start
jumping up and down.

Can you believe that?

I kind of like him.

Come on!
Hold one, shake one.

Come on, girls.

All right, hop.
Give me a little
Chuck Berry.

SHELLY: He's a pig.
Give me something here.

Well, all men are pigs.

At least he's
upfront about it.

(SIGHING)
You know what?

You're spending
too much time
cooped up in this place.

Okay.

Here's the plan.

First, we're all
going to go out

and get some
very bad junk food.

And then we're
going to go see

this really weird
antique store
I know about.

What do you say?

No. I was just gonna
sit here and have
a nice, quiet lunch, okay?

Come on, baby.
Come on. Yeah.

Want to practice?
Yeah.

In case you've forgotten,
that's Mr. Sun.

Oh, very funny,
very funny.

It's nice to get out,
isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's nice.

And it's getting easier.

But I still miss him.

Oh, so do I, Shel.
Yeah.

So do I.

Now, uh,
where did you say
this place was?

It's a surprise.

Just keep walking.
Come on.

Oh...

Down this alley?

You'll love the place.

Matilda's a little eccentric,

but wait till you
see what she's got
in her shop.

(BABY COOS)

So?

Huh?

Bad taste.

Weird taste.

HILDY: Oh. I love
that lamp.

Oh. Look at that baby.

It's a little strange,
I'll admit.

It's more than
a little strange.

Oh, even better stuff
over here.

SHELLY: The stuff in
this place reminds me
of The Twilight Zone.

Especially that.

I'll vote for that one.

(BLOWING)

STERN WOMAN: We're closed.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Um, sorry.

We'll come back
another time.

We're always closed.

Well, I guess
that makes this
as good a time as any.

Oh, what a cute
little baby.

Oh, my. Oh, my, my.

Ooh, coochie coochie
coochie coo.

Coochie coochie
coochie coochie coo.

Coochie coochie
coochie coochie coo.

Whaddya want?

Well, I'm looking
for a man,

but I guess you don't
have one on sale here.

Whole or parts?

How you doing,
pumpkin, huh?

Okay, huh?

What an interesting carving.

Looks like...

jade with...

strands of gold.

Yeah, but look at it.

It's kind of
a creepy face, huh?

Kind of reminds me
of my last boyfriend.

I don't know.
There's something
about it.

Put it back, my dear.

That one's not for sale.

Well, it's got a price tag.

No, you don't want
that stone.

Why?

The thing has powers.

Let me show you
something else.

What's it supposed to be?

An ancient talisman.

It's supposed
to grant your wishes.

Oh, as in,
"Make a wish,
and it comes true?"

MATILDA: So says the legend.

It's magical.

I'm not sure
it's for you.

Let me show you something
in a shrunken head.

MATILDA: I think
you'll like this.

It's the head
of a great medicine man
from the Amazon.

I think I dated him, too.

He never called back.

How much?

SHELLY: Can you believe
the story she made up
about this rock?

I still think
it's kind of weird.

Well, yeah. I mean,
it's an ancient
carving, Hildy.

They all look
kind of weird.

Do you know how much work
went into this?

Please, it's got to be worth
more than I paid for it.

I don't know.

I just...
I had an impulse
to buy it.

Usually it's shoes,
but okay.

Let's make a wish.

Knowing you, you're going
to wish for a man.

SHELLY: Hey, hey!
(CHUCKLES)

HILDY: Oh, come on, Shelly.
Give me a break.

Maybe I'm wishing
for world peace.

Ha. Right.

Exotic male dancer.

Buff...

Tiny waist, big pecs,
tight butt, hairy thighs...

Blonde, blue-eyed,
and devoted to me.

I think world peace
would've been easier.

SHELLY: Oh, my...

Oop. Got to go.

(SIGH)
It was fun today, Shelly.

Yeah, it was. Thanks.

(SIGHS)

Bye-bye, baby John.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

Oh, Russ.

It didn't work out
the way we planned,
did it?

I guess we're not going
to grow old together.

And you're not going
to teach your little boy
how to play baseball.

(BABY GURGLES)

I wish you could meet
your little boy.

He's so sweet.

(BABY COOING)

(RUMBLING)

(BABY CRIES)

Oh. Just a minute, Johnny.

Just a second, pumpkin.

Hey.

How you doing, huh?

Oh, boy.

You are a poop monster,
aren't you?

Okay, let's go change you.

(CACKLING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(FOOTSTEPS)

(DOOR CREAKING)

Hello?

(FOOTSTEPS)

(GUN COCKED)

(GUN UNCOCKED)

You're not
dreaming, Shelly.

I'm real.

Your wish came true.

Russell.

(SIGHS)

I want to see my son.

He's beautiful.

I can't believe this.

I never stopped loving you.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Russell?

I'm in the shower, honey.

Oh, my God.
It wasn't a dream.

Russ?

Why don't you
come on in?

(SCREAMS)

Care to join me,
sweet meat?

Ahhh! Oh, my God!
(GASPING)

Oh, my God.

I've waited a long time
for someone to make
a teary-eyed wish.

Who are you?

I'm the one who
granted your wish.

Now, give me
the baby John or...

guess my name.

You son of a bitch!

Oh! Oh... Oh...

Wrong name.

Now I'll have my prize.
(SNARLS)

(PANTING)

It's okay.

It's okay.

(BABY CRYING)

Give me the baby.

Ah, yes.

Mother's love.

Touching.

But you need not
fear me.

I want only...

to suck the very life
from him. (CACKLES)

You take one more step,
and I will rip your
fucking head off

and shove it
up your ass.

Ah. My heart doth
quiver with fear.

I mean it,
you bastard.

Don't bust my hump, lady.
I've waited too long.

Now, the baby John.

Ahhh.

Ah, yes.

Yes.

Now the pain.

Ahhh. Ooh! Ahhh. Ooh...

(CRYING)

No, sir.
(SCREAMS)

You can't kill someone
without a soul.

What the hell are you?

A bit more than you
bargained for, I wager.

(CACKLES)

The baby John.
I want the baby John.

Get out of my house!
No! It burns!

No! No!

No!

(CACKLES)

(BABY CRYING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTING)

(LOCK CLICKS)

Oh, baby. Oh, sweetie.
Come on.

Come to Mommy.
It's okay. It's okay.
(BANGING)

It's okay, it's okay.

(GROANS)

It's okay.

Thy future is...

harsh on thy throat.

(COUGHS)

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

Me damsel in distress
seems to have fled.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

In a carriage
with no horses.

(SCREAMS)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(GRUNTS)

Don't let any blood
get on the baby.

(CACKLING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Ahhh!

The baby.
Give me that baby.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

Ahhh!

MAN: Yeah. Right, exactly.

I've got them
bagging it here,
and we're dusting...

As much as we can
possibly get.

I'm going to send it
down with Richard.

Okay? Good.
You got it.

(LOW) Get going.

Yeah.

You want
another aspirin?

I want the whole jar.

No. I've had enough.

Hang in there, kid.

This, too, will pass.

What happened
to my life, Hildy?

I feel like somewhere
right after Russ died,

I took some wrong turn
towards Hell.

Could have been
one of them kids
on PCP.

These fucking drugs
that these kids
are doing today,

I just can't
believe it.
Ben, this was no kid.

No. This was some kind
of satanic little freak.

I mean, he had
pointed ears.

(SIGHS) God,
you believe me,
don't you, Ben?

Yeah, I mean, Shel,
I know you well enough
to believe you.

I'll tell you what...

Whatever it was
that went out
that window

is either dead or in bad need
of a hospital.

You know what's weird?

When I hit him
with my car,

I thought
I saw him smile.

Well, we'll check
the morgue,

and we got all
the emergency
rooms covered.

We'll find this
rat bastard.
I promise you.

He wanted my baby.

Hey, Shel.

There ain't nothing
gonna happen
to that little guy,

as long as I'm
on this job.

Hmm? Okay?

Or I'm on this earth.

Come on, Shelly,
pack some things.

You're staying with me
until they find
this guy, okay?

You know my
psychologist friend, Nedda?

You know, she's
coming over tonight,

and, um, you can
talk to her.

And the three of us
are going to have
a romantic dinner.

No men...

Huh.

Except for
this little man here.

Hmm. Lucky kid.

To no more
little monsters.

How can I tell the police
that I saw my husband?

I mean, but he was there.
I know he was.
I know I made love to him.

Shelly, our imaginations
can be very powerful.

Especially
under stress.

I know you believe you
were with your husband,

but I'm equally sure
that you're just...

trying to hang on to him.

What, am I going crazy?
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.

NEDDA:
It is totally normal.

In fact, you want my theory?

It's just an educated guess.

Go for it, Shel.

Nedda's educated guess
usually costs about
$150 an hour.

NEDDA: Rumpelstiltskin.

Oh, this I got to hear.

Grimm's Fairy Tales
were really quite scary.

Oh, wasn't that the one
where you had to guess
the guy's name,

or you have to give him
your first child?

Mmm-hmm.

That's what he said.

He said, "Guess my name,"
and I called him
a son of a bitch.

Close.

It's a fairy tale
you read when you
were a child.

It stays with you.
Look. It's right here.

"Rumpelstiltskin
was an evil little man

"who stole
the first-born child

"of the miller's daughter."

That is strange.

That is so strange.

Shelly, your maiden name
is Miller. Get it?

You're a miller's daughter.

That is so strange.

SHELLY: Are you saying
my imagination
did all of this?

NEDDA: I'm just saying
it's not uncommon.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

NEDDA: You know what?
In my professional opinion,

you need a vacation.

(BELL CHIMES)
Oh. It's 1:00.

And I'm a working girl.

I learned that during
women's lib, remember?

Good night...school night.

Thank you.
Mmm. My pleasure.

(BABY WHINES)

Oh...

One more peek
at the baby.

Oh.

He's so adorable.

HILDY: We were thinking
about keeping it.

Good night, Hildy.

Thanks for the great dinner.

NEDDA: Ooh, boy.

All right.
Good night.
Good night.

Bye.

(WHIMPERING)

HILDY: Okay.
I'll get you a blanket.

You'll love the couch.

(BARKING)

HILDY: Rocky.

Rocky, what's
going on?

(ROCKY WHIMPERING)

HILDY: What's come
into that dog?

(BARKING)

Stop barking, Rocky.

It's okay.
Probably a cat.

But you ever notice when
you get a dog for protection

and then whenever they bark
you tell them to shut up,

there's nothing out there?

(SIGH)

(BARKING)
All righty, Rocky.

(DOOR OPENS)

(BARKING)

He can bother the neighbors.

(CHUCKLES)

Locked good and tight.

Come on.
I'm getting you a blanket.

Okay.

The couch has already
been broken in.

You'll probably
find a soft spot
right in the middle.

I can't tell you
how many boyfriends
have slept on that couch.

Well, I could tell you, but...

Ooh.

Here you go.

(BABY COOING)

Now you get some sleep.

I'll see you in the morning.

Okay.

(BABY BABBLING)

Your baby's going
to be all right.

SHELLY: I know.

Hildy?

G'night.

G'night.

"The little deformed man
granted the miller's daughter
her wish.

"All he wanted in return
was her first-born."

Oh, boy.

(SIGHS)

"The villagers set upon
the little man

"and burned him with
the only thing that can harm
Rumpelstiltskin,

"and that was fire and chaff."

Chaff?

Chaff...

What is chaff?

Must be like kryptonite.

(BABY BABBLING)

(SIGHING)

(SIGHS)

(SOFT TINKLING)

(BABY WAILS)

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Whoa. It's okay.

I was up, and he was crying,

so I picked him up.

I'm sorry, Hildy.
It's just I'm so jumpy.

Oh, I understand.
Me, too.

And what I also
understand

is that you're going up
to my parents' cabin
tomorrow

for a long rest. Okay?

And that's an order.

(CRASHING)

(HILDY SCREAMS)

Shelly, get out of here!

I'll take the small,
gurgly one.

No!

Mothers! You're all the same.

Give me the goddamned baby.
Make another one.

Shelly! Take my car.

No! No!
(SNARLING) Ahhh...

Get out of here, Shelly!

No! No...

Took care of that bitch.

Now where's the baby?

(CAR STARTS)

Stop!

Ahhh!

(BABY CRYING)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(WHISPERING)
Shh, baby, it's all right.

You'll see more of me
before midnight.

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

(CRYING)

Come on. Shh.

(STRAINING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, asshole!
Out of the road.

Thy knight has
interesting armor.

And garb.

Your steed.

I want your steed.

(LAUGHING)

Little past your bedtime,
huh, you little freak?

(YELLS)

(GROWLS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

♪ Ridin' on a cloud

♪ Ridin' on the line

♪ Sittin' on the beast
that carries

♪ Fury through the night

♪ My kind of world ♪

(LAUGHING)

♪ Yes, it's my kind of world

♪ Bright metallic wonder

♪ Ride the speed of lightning

♪ Straddle steel and thunder

♪ Weapons that are frightening

♪ My kind of world

♪ Yes, it's my kind of world ♪

Out there lies baby Johnny.

Here I come, little Johnny.

Uncle Rumpel's on his way.

(CACKLING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Hang on, John.
(CACKLES)

Ahhh!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

♪ Coming out of the hills,
it sounds like thunder

♪ A wild-eyed mare
and a man upon her

♪ Clouds of dust
flying behind ♪

Shit.

(GULPS)

Don't mind if I do.

(COUGHING)

Just what I needed.
Another bad habit.

A good many blacksmiths
to build that, I imagine.

Ah...

My kind of chariot.

Made in America.

(HORN BLARES)

(ENGINE STARTS)

♪ In the dawn, I wake alone

♪ Bed is cold,
and my drifter's gone ♪

In this mighty chariot,

I shall not be denied.

Away!

(HORN BLARING)

(LAUGHING)

(HORN BLARES)

Field of Bakers.

Land of...

Bread. (CACKLING)

(BABY CRYING)

Oh!

Hey! Stop!

Wait!

Wait! Stop! Oh!

Thank you.

(POP SONG ON CAR RADIO)

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Please, you got to help me,
okay? Look,
there is this, uh...

There is this, um...

Oh, thank you.
Look, um...

There's this...
Oh, jeez...

This satanic freak
is after me,

and I've been
driving all night

and my engine just blew
and you've got to help me.

Damn. Women look good
in their underwear.

What?
Oh, my God. I am
in my underwear.

Imagine that.
In the middle
of nowhere,

usually you see dirt.

Maybe a rock.
A tortoise sometimes.

But legs like you...

What?

Did you hear
a word I said?
Are you crazy?

I need a ride now.

(BABY CRYING)

Lady, listen, I'm just out
for a little, enjoyable
weekend of camping.

I give you a lift,
I'm probably going to go
so far out of my way.

I don't know if you got money
for food or gas or anything.

And you never got to the part
about what's in it for me.

Lady, that's a baby.

You're putting
a baby in my truck.

There has never been
a baby in my truck.

I haven't got time
for this shit.

Just get in the car and drive.

Pushy broad.

Thy chariot hath many horses.
(LAUGHS)

(POP SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

(STRAINING)

Not for nothing,
but I like you a lot better
in your underwear.

You don't believe me,
do you?

Well, I mean,
you kind of had me...

until you got to the part
where you shoved

a broom handle
down his throat.

Yes.

But he's a little hoarse.

Oh, come on, lady.

You got to give me
that much.

You shove a broom handle
down somebody's throat,

the guy ain't hitting
the high notes anymore.

You don't believe me.

Believe you?

A fairy tale come alive
from the past?

(LAUGHS)
Lady, I want this guy
on my show.

Rumpelstiltskin?

Stole babies, right?
Never gave them back?

He's my kind of guy.

Lady, you have got
to introduce us.

(SIGHS) Oh, God.
That's who you are.

You're that asshole
from television,

that Max Bergman.
Ohhh, jeez.

Well, it took you
long enough.

(LAUGHS)

Lady, just who
is after you?

(CRYING)

I love it when
a plan comes together.

MAX: Let's review.
A three-story window,

hit with a truck
and an arm ripped off.

And he's still alive, right?

(SIGHS)

I don't know.

The last time I saw him,

my friend, Hildy...

(HORN HONKS)

Wow. There's a tanker
coming up behind us
pretty fast.

(LAUGHS)

It's him.
It's Rumpelstiltskin.

Why do you run?

I only want the baby John.

It's him.
Oh, I get it now.

This is a setup for
Bloopers and Practical Jokes.

Who put this
together, my agent?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Rumpman.

Want to be
on my show?

He's kind of small,
but I hear they're
good in bed.

Very aggressive.

Well, it's nice to know
you're an asshole
in real life, too.

Let's playeth tag.

Ahhh!

You're it!

Well, he's not a good
judge of distance.
I can tell you that.

(LAUGHS)

Ow!
Gah!

Oh, this is fair.
Skinny talk-show host
versus Satan in a Mack truck.

Faster.

(HORN BLARING)

Argh!

(HORN BLARING)

Pull over already.

Lady, I can't handle this.

I'm an asshole, not a hero!

(LAUGHS)

(HORN BLARING)

This is some serious whiplash!

Ooh!

We're going to die.
That's it. We're dead.

My whole life will be
passing by any second now.

That's my boat!

Ahhh! It's turning
around this way!

(LAUGHS)

Now we're smoking.

I had to skim the show
two years to buy that thing.

(HORN BLARING)

I was going camping!

Just shut up and
get us out of here!

I got it. I got it.

I know what I'm gonna do.
Watch this.

Now let's see him follow us.

He's a damned good driver.

You got to give him that much.

(LAUGHS)

Just floor it!
What, are you crazy?

Lady!

(RUMPELSTILTSKIN LAUGHS)

Look out!
Holy shit! We're not
gonna make it!

(SCREAMING)

Ow!

(MAX SCREAMS)

We made it.

Hey, I can do
this hero shit, huh?

I used to watch
The Fall Guy.

Thy road has blockage.

Let's hope he'll never
make it over that.

Go, thou thundering steed.

(HORN BLARING)

How is he doing that?

(HORN BLARING)

Damsel in distress,

thy screaming baby,

and a treacherous road.

Life doesn't get any better.

Uh, we got a problem.

No shit.
No. I mean another problem.

We got no brakes.

Huh. Good thing my side
had an air bag.

(CLEARS THROAT)
You okay?

No. We're not going
anywhere in this.

Don't cry.
It's okay.

You're right.
I should be strong.

Hey, I got an idea.
Come here.

Why dost thou maiden
play so hard to get?

(ENGINE REVVING)

Hey, Rump Muffin!
I got your baby right here.
Come and get it.

My baby Johnny.

Bruce Willis time.

If he thinks he can escape
with that toy steed...

Aw. What was I
thinking about?

Hey, Rump, let's call
this whole thing off, huh?

What do you say?

(HORN BLARING)

I guess that means no.

I only want
the baby John.

Whoa!

Oh, God! That was bad.
Back, back, back, back!

Come on! Move! Move! Move! No!

Ahhh!

(LAUGHS)

No! No!

Move! Move! Move!
No! Oh!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(MAX YELLS)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Not now! Not now!

(GROANING)

Oh, no!

Come on, start.

(STARTER CRANKING)

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

Aw, shit!

Come to Papa, little baby.

No baby.

I've been tricked.

Aw, shit. Come on!
Come on, start!

Oh, this is not happening.

Come... Oh!

I'm going to die!

Fucketh me!

Ahhh!

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, yeah!

(COUGHING)

Hey, Rumpmeister!

That'll teach you to fool
with the Bergermeister.

Hah!

Max, you are good.

Ahhh!

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

Oh, god.

Oh.

Oh, God. Max?

Thank God you're tall.

There you go.

Come on, take it easy.

(BABY CRIES)

Bad plan.
Oh!

Yeah, the lady
was telling me quite a...
wild-ass story.

Yeah, she can spin a yarn.

Bet he's got a couple.

(COUGHING)

Jesus Christ.

Poor guy.

Listen, why don't you two
wait over by the car?

I think a storm
might be coming in.

I'm going to call
the coroner's office.

Yeah, this is Deputy Marley.
I'm out here on
Jackson Highway. Copy?

WOMAN ON RADIO:
Copy. We've got you
on Jackson Highway.

(SHELLY GASPS)

Jesus Christ!

Bad fire.

Ugh!

(GROANING)

Ugh!

(GROANING)

Ah.

What the...

(GROANS)

Let me make it
easy for you.

(STRAINING)

Ahhh.

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Get in the car!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

They're not going
to believe us.
Why should they?

We got a dead cop
back there,

we're driving
a stolen police car.

We're outlaws!

I mean, we're not outlaws,

but we might as well
be outlaws.

They're going to
think we're outlaws...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That's what they do
when guys flip out.

It works.

(SIGHS)

But, look. What
I'm saying is right.

If we're going
to survive this thing,

Shh.
we're going to have to start
thinking like outlaws.

We'll hide out in that
abandoned diner back there.

I'll be Thelma.

You're Louise.

Warmer...

Hot...

Hot!

Run! Run! Run!

Come on in here!
What are you waiting for?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

See, now I'm glad I got
all this camping equipment.

Were you really going camping
in these clothes?

Yeah.

What?

Um, here's some coffee.

(SIGHS)

Thanks.

Thanks for the jacket, too.

I'm really sorry I got you
into all of this.

Hey, come on.

A little high-speed chase,

crazy little devil
trying to kill us,
near-death experience...

My idea of a good time.

Yeah, well...

Maybe you're not
such an asshole after all.

Bullshit.
Lady, I am an asshole.

It's how I make my living.

Max Bergman,
professional asshole.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go tinkle.

(COOING)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(LAUGHING)

♪ I smell a baby ♪

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Smells a lot like
a baby named Johnny.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh...

I was just trying to call
my friend Hildy, but, uh...

The phone doesn't work.

What else?

Maybe I'm just as glad.

I found this in the back.

I don't know.
Maybe I thought the kid...

Hey. Look, pumpkin.

Hey.

Gootchie-goo. Heh.

He likes me. (CHUCKLES)

He's my whole life, Max.

Heh.

(BABY WHINES)

MAX: So this is what
it's all about, huh?

SHELLY: It sure is, Max.

Here you go,
little guy.

Here you go.
Here you go, pumpkin.

It could be
your little friend, huh?

Here you go. Here you go.

Yeah.

No, not the straw.

(PANTING)

It's not a fairy tale, Max.

Yeah, no shit.
It's not much of
a vacation either.

No. Rumpelstiltskin.
He's real.

I thought I was dreaming,
but I wasn't. He was real.

Okay.

Let's say he's real.

Explain how he suddenly
gets transported to the 1990s.

Uh, I don't know.

I don't know.

You know, these aren't bad
for being three years old.

Oh, my God, the stone.

The what?

Oh, God,
the wishing stone.

Oh. I brought him
into my own house. Oh.

Okay, okay.

I mean, nothing is going
to be able to stop him.

Where did you buy
the stone?

What kind of... I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know.

Some shop.
Think.

Oh, God!
Oh, God, Matilda's place.

She'll know how
to stop Rumpelstiltskin.

I still have the receipt.

We can call them.
I got a cellular phone
in my camping stuff.

Freeze!
Sheriff's Department!

Just relax.
Everything's going to be...

Hands behind your back!

Guys, just...
Okay, take it easy.

I'll handle this.
Now...

You're not listening!
You're not listening!

You're making
a terrible mistake.

I had nothing to do with it.

I don't know
about the woman.

So this is what
a couple of scumbag
cop-killers look like.

We look nothing like
a scumbag cop...

(GROANS)

Do you know who I am?
Yeah, you're a funnyman.

I am a huge television star.
Head first.

SHERIFF: Get him in the car.
Put the kid in
the black-and-white.

No, please.
Don't take my baby.

(CRYING)

SHERIFF: Joe,
secure the scene.

We'll lock it down here,
sheriff.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Thy pain is less and less.

Death draws near to thee.

I must have that baby.

I don't believe this.
You really do
hold onto the bars.

Did you call my lawyer?
No.

I called Matilda.

You had one...

You had one phone call
and you wasted it on a witch?

She thinks she can
help us, okay, Max?

We might finally get out
of this nightmare.

Well, you're a lot
lighter now, young man.

(CRIES)
Aw, come on.

There you go.

All snug and dry.

Aw, come on.

All fine.

Oh, cute.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

Joe?

You hear me?
What's the problem?

Joe?

What's the matter?

Joe, you okay, huh?

Joe. You all right?

Peekaboo.
Peekaboo.

(CRYING)
There, come on.

Now, let's get rid
of that dirty thing.

Look, sweetheart.
Look, sweetheart.

Oh, this one's
much nicer.

Come on.

You're sweet.

You're sweet.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Got a fresh brew, Kalish.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

Kalish?

Where the hell are you?

(CHAINS RATTLING)

Oh, boo! Boo!

Aren't you cute?

What a sweetheart.

Tell me where's the baby?

Talk to Rumpel.

Talk to Rumpelstiltskin.

SHERIFF: Who's there?
What's happening?

Put your hands in the air!

Now, or I'll shoot!

(SNARLING)

Hands in the air!

Have you seen my baby?

Where's the baby?

(GUNSHOTS)

Help! Help, somebody!
Can you hear us?

We're in here.

(WAILING)

Officer needs help.
This is a police emergency.

My baby, my baby...
Help!

(GUN CLICKS)

My turn.

Anyone hear me?
Officer needs help!

Magic.

Help us!
We're stuck in here!

Police emergency.
Anyone read me?

(CRYING)

Do I hear a baby crying?

Oh, yes, I believe I do.

Get us out of here!

Officer needs help!

OFFICER: Don't move!
Put your hands in the air!

Now!

Is that little Johnny?

Somebody, help!
Can you hear us?

Help us!
We're stuck in here!

(SCREAMING)

Ahhh!

Look at you.
Yeah.

You don't look bad.

You'll be all right.
Don't cry. Don't cry...

(HICCUP)
Oh, I know. I know...

♪ Rockabye baby
on the treetop

♪ When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock ♪

Oh, God.

He's got Johnny.
I know it.

He's got my baby.

You've got to stop him.

I'm going to
kill him, Max.

I don't know how,
but I'm going to kill him.

Johnny.

Johnny!

Come on. We're not going
to find him on foot.

There's keys over here.
Come on! Come on!

(STAMMERING)
I don't know.
We're lost.

It doesn't make
any difference.

(SNORING NOISE)
You hear the noise coming out
of this engine?

No. It's not coming
from the engine.

It sounds like
it's coming from back here.

(SNORING)

Oh, God! Matilda!

That's Matilda?
The baby...

Wake up, Matilda.
Wake up! Damn it!

Come on, wake up!
Wake up! Wake up,
damn it!

Why does he want my baby?
Where is he going?

The next time an old witch
tells you not to buy
something, you listen!

Matilda, what the hell
is going on?

Rumpelstiltskin has no soul.
That's why he steals babies.

He wants Johnny's soul?

How the hell do you
steal a soul?

If I remember right...
If you remember right?

Come on, you're a witch.
You're supposed
to know these things.

It's a legend, buster.
My mind's not as sharp
as it once was, okay?

(BABY CRYING)

All right, I know.
You want your mommy,
don't you?

This will show your mommy.

Okay, look, look.
Just think, okay?

Just think.

Needs a mother's arms...

Before sunrise...

In a graveyard.

How do we stop him?

Fire and chaff.
Of course!

No.

Chaff?
What the hell is chaff?

Straw, my dear.
Plain old ordinary straw.

How much time
till sunrise?

No more, witch.

Now you die.

(GAGGING) Ahhh!
Ahhh!

Ahhh!
Hey!

Hey! What is she doing?

Oh, my God!

MAX: I can't see!

Lady! What are you, nuts?

Hey!

(GROWLING)

(GAGGING)

(COUGHING)

(WHEEZING)

What's the matter
with her?

She's dying.

Leave me alone!

Save the baby.

There's a, a chant.
(COUGH)

Like in the fairy tale.

Must say the chant...

three times.

(CHOKING)

She said something
about a graveyard.

I know. Wait, okay.
Here, look, look.

There's a graveyard
at the top of Pig Mountain.

Now to the graveyard.

(LAUGHING)

What was it she said
about a mother's arms?

She said the baby has to be
in his mother's arms.

But you're here.

That's right.

That's right.
I'm here. I'm not there.

I'm his mother,
and I'm not there.

You don't have anything
to worry about.

Quickly, Dora, quickly.

We have not much time
before sunrise.

You're such
a devoted mother.

(BABY CRYING)

Into a mother's
loving arms, my child.

Don't cry, little child,

for soon I'll have your soul.

Yes.

(SCREAMS)

Powers of darkness,

start the spell
that shall free me

for all of eternity!

(CRYING)

Shut up, foul infant.

My destiny is near.

Soon you'll be no more.

(LAUGHING)

No.

Not now.

They will not stop me.

(GROWLING)

(LAUGHING)

Up there!
This way. Come on, come on.

Leave the baby
among the dead.

(SCREAMS)

No! Get it off!

This ain't no fairy tale.

(SHELLY GRUNTS)

Die, you
maggot-infested freak!

Ugh!

Johnny! Johnny!

Magic power that I drew,

do my bidding
to stop those two.

No!

(SCREAMS)

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Aw...

Your poor little baby.

(PRETENDS TO CRY)

God, give me my baby!

A deal's a deal.

No!

(LAUGHING)

I'll kill you,
you fairy bastard.

(CACKLING)

(SHELLY SCREAMING)

No!

Shelly, come on.
He'll kill us.

(LAUGHING)

I have to save my baby!

You want to save your baby?
Come with me. I got an idea.

♪ La la lala, la la la lala

♪ La la lala, la la la lala ♪

Come on, hurry up. In here.

I saw it when
we drove past here.

I think it's gonna work.

Shelly, remember
what Matilda said
about the fire and straw?

Well, if this fairy-tale thing
is real,

then all we got to do
is get this fire and this
chaff thing working,

say the chant before sunrise

and we can save your baby.

But we don't know
what the chant is.

It's his name.

It's in the fairy tale, Max.

The miller's daughter
had to guess his name.

♪ Rockabye baby,
don't you cry

♪ I'll have your soul
by morning's eye

♪ Mama will never
guess my name

♪ Therefore never
stoppeth my game ♪

Sleep tight. By morning,
I'll have your soul.

Of course. Move it.

Go on! Pull out!

(GEARS GRINDING)

Right in the mud?
C'mon, yeah.

His fire-breathing
dragon giveth out.

Pity.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Oh, right!
This is not happening!

Oh! Jesus!

Oh! Oh, no! No!

Oh, move it! Yes!

(GRUNTS)

The steed lives!

Chaff burning chaff!

Oh, now! Oh, yeah!
Who's the man?
Who's your daddy?

No!

No!

No!

Ahhh!

Hey, Rumpelshitskin,
where you going, huh?

You trying to outrun
a tractor?

Why don't you sit down!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

What?

Jesus!

Come on, you...

(GRUNT) Oh!

Jesus! Not now!

Not now!

Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on! Move!

(SCREAMS)

Shit!

Damn.
You know that hurt!

Where's Johnny?

Max, where's my baby?

I don't know.

He knows
where my baby is.

Where the hell is my baby,
you bastard?

He's toast.

Shelly!

You'll never find
your baby.

You bitch.

(SNARLS)

Where is my baby?

You'll have to kill me
to find out.

(GRUNTING)

Tell me where he is.

Your baby's gone.

Not a chance.

You're going to
burn in hell.

(GRUNTS)

Rumpelstiltskin.

Rumpelstiltskin.

(SCREAMING)

Rumpelstiltskin!

(SHELLY SCREAMS)

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, God. Johnny!

Johnny!

He's here!
Over here.

Oh, God! Oh, God.
Oh, he's in here.

Oh, baby.

Oh... Oh.

Oh, baby.

Oh.
(BABY COOING)

Hi, honey. Oh, baby.

Oh, I love you. Oh...

Oh...

Oh!

Max, you're crying.
Huh?

No, you know, I got a...

Dust and, uh...

Yeah.

I love you.

Let's see if I still got
the old arm.

Satanic fiend
is rounding third,
headed home.

Bergman in right,
rears back,

fires it over the plate!

And Rumpelstiltskin is
outta there!

Ha!

Well?

You know, Max,
you really were
a hero back there.

Yeah, I guess it's the end
of a brilliant career.

Yeah. I'd say you're
definitely out of
the asshole business.

So, uh...
Whew! Whew.

Maybe you want to see
a movie with an ex-asshole?

Huh? Huh?

As long as it's
not a fairy tale.

Actually, I was thinking
more of a documentary
or something.

Hey, how come
I never get to hold the baby?

You could show me how.

I think the kid
and I have bonded.

Look at the way
he's looking at me right now.

That's love...
or you got to
change his diaper.

Look what I found.

Mommy, Mommy,
look what I found!

Mommy, look what I found
on the shore.

Look at the pretty colors.

They are pretty colors, honey.

Can I keep it?
Can I take it home?

Sure. It's really
interesting.

You can take it home.