Rubin and Ed (1991) - full transcript

Reclusive Rubin Farr teams up with vocal but unsuccessful multi-level salesman Ed Tuttle on a quest to bury Rubin's dead cat in the "perfect spot." Their trip takes them across Utah's desert where they have run-ins with Ed's ex-wife Rula and an elusive Andy Warhol critic.

"Rubin & Ed"
Subtitles by Magiin. August 2020.

Are you willing to open the door
to your dreams?

- Success!

Why do we want that success?

- Money!

How do we get that money?


No, no, not work...

Real estate!
- Real estate!

Power through positive real estate!
The P-P-R! The organization!


Do you have what it takes? Are you the kind
of high caliber motivated professional...

that will stop at nothing
to get what you want?

Who are you?
Who are you?

You are an incredibly powerful
sales person who continually

climbs higher and higher
up the ladder of success.

Chant after me: "I am an
incredibly powerful sales person who

continually climbs higher and
higher up the ladder of success!"

"I am an incredibly powerful
sales person who continually

climbs higher and higher
up the ladder of success!"

"I am an incredibly powerful
sales person who continually

climbs higher and higher
up the ladder of success!"

- Success!

Boy that Mr. Busta sure can give a speech, can't he?

Now chant along with me: I am an incredibly
powerful sales person who continually

climbs higher and higher
up the ladder of success...


Rubin! Stop squeaking that stupid mouse!

I said stop squeaking
that stupid mouse!

Why don't you do something
else for a change. Why don't

you get out of this house
and make yourself a friend!

- Yes!

- Well then take out the trash.

Hey weirdo! Who let you out!
Here kitty, kitty, kitty...

Come 'n get me!
Ha ha ha!

Here kitty, kitty, kitty...
Here kitty, kitty...

- Hello?
Hello Rula this Ed... hi, hi... hello.

Uh I hadn't called for a while so I thought
I'd call and say... hello.

Exercise Ed.
- Oh no, Rula, please.

You know why you feel
better when you exercise, Ed?

Because you're doing something
you don't really want to do.

I know, I know.

You're paid in life for doing what
you don't really want to do, Ed.

I know... I know.

You always do exactly
what you want to do, Ed.

That's why you're broke.

Ya know, Rula... I uh... I haven't
talked to you in quite a while.

How are you doing?

- Really?

Well that's great. I'm great
too. I mean I'm doing great.

Just, things are
going great for me uh...

Gotta go now, Ed.
- Well, ok! No problem. Listen it's been...

Woof! Bark, bark, bark!...

That's it! No more Mahler.
Not another note until you

get out of this house
and make a friend!

- Yes!

It's for your own good, Rubin. You can't
stay in this house the rest of your life.

Yes I can!
- No you can't!

- Because I said so!

Now go out and make yourself a
friend. Bring him home to dinner and

I'll give you your music back!

No friend, no music!

I want you to meet my mother.

Excuse me.
- Buzz off.

Excuse me.
- No.

Excuse me...

Excuse me... hi, uh...
- Grrr!

Excuse me. My name is Ed.
Who are you - who are you really?

I'm making a survey for Power
Through Positive Real Estate...

may I ask you a few questions?

Are you 100% satisifed with your
earning potential 100% of the time?

- You are...?

Are you 100% satisfied with your
life and or outside relationships?

- Really?

Uh... If the answer to any of these
questions is not 100% yes...

then come with me right now
for a free introductory seminar on

Power Through
Positive Real Estate!

Uh... I could go around dinner time?
Come over my house? Pick me up?

I think that could be arranged... and
your name and address please?

Rubin Farr. Fontenoy Inn.
Room 71.

- My mother's the manager.

Very well then Mr. Rubin Farr
of the Fontenoy Inn, Room... 71.

Your life... is about to take
a positive turn!

I'll pick you up at 6.

Got one!

Hello... how ya doing?! Hi.

Hello Rubin! What a tremendous day.
A fantastic day for real estate!

What say we motor on over to
the seminar and get you started

on the "Express to Success"?

Nope. My mother's not here yet.
You need to meet my mother.

Quite a living room...

Quite a squeaky mouse.

Could I have a glass of water?
- No!

Actually I better be going.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!...

Come on in the kitchen and have
a glass of water.

This is quite a kitchen!

Ice! Ice is nice...

...Good Lord, what the hell?!

I'm sorry, uh I wanted some ice.
I didn't realize... look...

I didn't do it.

Why don't you keep your hands off
other people's refrigerators?!

Listen you don't eat those things, do ya?
Because I could get sick eating cats.

It's a pet!

I know it's none of my business, but why do
you keep your pet in the freezer?

I'm keeping him frozen until I find the
right spot to bury him.

Look, my mother just
called, she's going to be late.

I don't feel like going
to the seminar now.

In your frame of mind, I think the seminar
would be very good.


Well look, tell you what.
We'll leave my business card,

right here on the table that way
your mother will know where you went.


I drove all the way over here, I think the
least you can do...

Shut up!

You shut up you son of a bitch!
I'm sorry I didn't mean that...

Excuse me, I did not mean it.

I guess you're pretty broken up
about your cat?

You had him for a long time?
- Yes.

Let's see, where could you bury him?
Don't have a yard so that's out.

Why don't you bury your cat at sea?

Cat's hate water.
- Well then we'll bury him out in the desert.

No car.
- Well then just get over it!

I mean, go on to the next step.

Set a goal, and obstacles
become opportunities!

Man you really need that seminar right now!
Let's go over there...

Get out of my house!

You know you really are an asswipe!

Sorry. I didn't mean that either.
I didn't mean to say that.

You have a car? You dropped my cat?
- Hmm?

You have a car.
- Yeah. Well... we go to the seminar first,

and then we bury your cat.

He'll defrost.
- Pack him in ice.

...That's a good idea, Ed.

I'll go get the cooler.

This car belongs to the organization.
Pretty nice, eh?

They let me borrow it
especially for this.

Hey! Uh, I'll drive.
Hey! What are you doing?! Hey!

Open the door!

Alright! This is an official car!

No, no, no!

What do you think you're doing?!

Turn right.
Turn right!

Ok, uh, turn left!

Great. You're not really going to the
seminar, are you?

I'm not stupid, I know what you're up to!

We have to be back before
10 o'clock, ok?. We have to be...

back before the seminar's over.

I don't mind your driving, less work for
me if you do. I hate driving.

Just works out that it's less work for me,
more for you. You know what is...

really sad is that you don't realize
what you're missing.

You have the potential to be
rich, you know?

You know the number one difference
between you and a rich man?

He has money and you don't.

If you're smart, you'd ask
yourself, "why?".

What is the matter with you anyway?
I mean, don't you want to be a success?

I tell you, the difference between
a guy like me and a guy like you...

is that I've learned
from my mistakes.

I used to be really messed up. You know,
I had a bad temper, the seminar...

taught me how to control it.
- Would you shut up about that seminar!

You shut up you pissant son of a bitch!

Sorry! Didn't mean that.

Hey listen, could you pull over.
I gotta see a man about a dog.

Where'd you get the beer?
- Store.

I guess I'll have one.

You know, we don't drink beer at the
organization. It's kind of a crutch for...

reality avoidance.

Organization really gets you thinking about
things in a whole new light, you know?

Like... ever wonder why people wear clothes?
- Nope!

Look at it this way, man's best friend
is his apparel. Now...

you start to dress for success and you
will score with the babes and

make the big bucks.
Gotta admit that's true.

I don't have to admit that.
- You have to admit that!

No I don't!
- Yes you do!

I don't have to admit anything.

You have to admit there's
hair on your head.

No I don't.
- Well you have to admit that!

Well you have to admit your
cat's dead!

He's deader than a doornail!

That cat is colder than a
well-digger's ass!

Pretty hard to deny that isn't it,
Mr. Smartypants.

Yep! Deceased. El Morto.
No more mister kitty cat.

Man, I love drama.
Really gets the old juices flowing.

What... oh no, it's after midnight!
I have to get this car back!

This road leads to the freeway.

Oh horseshit!

It's not a road - it's a river!
- River!

Stupid! It's the middle of the desert.

Turn around. I can't go out here.
I have a heart condition.

I have to bury Simon first.
- Bury the stinkin' cat now and turn around!

It has to be the right spot!

Great! This is just great! Now I'm stuck in the
middle of the desert with an ignoramus!

You're the ignoramus!
This is your car!

Stop! Have some of your cereal!
See how you like that! Huh!?

Rub it in your hair and
stick it up your butt!

Don't ever - ever! Call my cat stinky!

You're a killer!
You're a sick killer!

- Oh... where are... please.

Car won't start.
- Huh?!

Pop the hood, will you?

Ahh! I'm going to get kicked out of
the organization for this.

The freeway's just over that hill. Go call the
organization tell them to come out here to pick us up.

Just give them a buzz. Tell
them out in the middle of the desert

with an asswipe
and a frozen cat.

Why don't you go call your mother and
have her come out here and push us back?

Get that stinky cat out of my
car and bury it.

This isn't the right spot.

This... is the right spot.

Don't touch my cat.


Don't come crying to me if you can't
find the right spot.

Anybody in their right mind would be
pleased as punch to bury a cat here.

Well, we've got to get organized.

Now, do you remember where it was that
you went off the highway?

I don't remember.

Uh... do you remember the name of the
last town we went through?

I think it started with a B.
- Well it is kind of important you know...

A lot of towns start with B.
Boston. Barcelonia...

It wasn't Barcelonia.
- I know it wasn't Barcelonia, that's in Spain!

Well. I think that the closest town is
this spot here. Prod.

Prod's that way.

No, it's not.
It's that way.

Hey! Uh. I kind of think we
should stick together.

Ok! I won't fight it!
It's your problem!

It's your life you're ruining! I am not
going that way! I am going to Prod!

Maybe I should get back to the car.

Maybe I should hurry.

You see, Simon? This is what happens when
you go out of the house.



Ha ha ha!

- Go ahead and laugh! I doesn't hurt me if you laugh.

Ha! Ha! Ha!
Did you find the freeway funny guy?

Did you see the freeway?


Prod's that way.
- No it's not. I went that way.

Look. We've got to get organized.
We have to set goals.

Why don't we bury your cat here and we'll
follow the car tracks back the way we came?


Now you're talking.

We could bury a cat under that
cactus and that way he would have a

beautiful view of the rocks.

Bury him up there.

Up there?

Alright but I'm not going
to walk all the way up there.

I am not going to ruin my feet.

What are you going to dig the hole with?

I don't know what he think's he's going
to dig the hole with...

What's that?

- Might have a phone.

Let's finish up here quick
and go see.

You better get that cat in the
ground real fast.

I mean there could be puma's around
here, you know?

Puma can smell a dead cat
fourty miles off.

Quit stalling. Bury the cat.

It's gonna get weird now, isn't it?
- This isn't the right spot.

Bury him over by the house.
- Are you crazy?!

This is the perfect spot to bury a cat!

Any cat in their right mind would be
happy as a clam to be buried here!

Good Lord! Not the right spot!
You got a big problem, Rubin.

You got a big problem.

I am an incredibly
powerful sales person who

continually climbs higher and
higher up the ladder of success.

I am an incredibly
powerful sales person who

continually climbs higher and higher...

Man... it is el warmo out here.

I am thirsty!
Aren't you thirsty?

Oh... Lord!

Oh Lord!

That is the most disgusting thing I have
ever seen. Boy... talk about el weirdo!

You take the cake, buster.

Hey... could we rest for a minute?!

I have a heart condition, you know.
I have to take care of myself.

I don't care what you do. I'm resting.

You ever married, Rubin?

Yeah, I was married... once.

Yeah I said, "honey, I could make a lot of
money for you." So - she married me.

Three years later I'm still making nine thou
a year, so she left.

That's when I first became
interested in the organization.

Would you shut up about the organization?!
I'm not interested, okay?!

Okay. Take it easy.

So... what kind of cat was Simon?

A good cat.
- I mean, was he siamese or what?

Look, I was just trying to be friendly.

I like cats too, you know.

My cat liked music.
- Music? You into Cat Stevens? Ha ha!

- Mahler? That's weird.

Did you ever see that movie Cat People?
- Cat People?

Yeah Cat People. They worshipped cats.
Hated dogs but worshipped cats.

I saw part of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

You ever see Chat Bleu?

Man, that is
a powerful flick.

What happened to it's tail?
- Fan.

Fan's can be damn dangerous.
- Fan's caused 1,114 serious injuries in 1988.


You can keep that.
Got 23 more of those.

Did you ever have a dog?
I had one once. Pointer.

He never could figure
out what to point at.

People like that.

People are like that, Rubin.

They don't know what
they're supposed to do.

The organization could be so helpful
for a guy like you.

For $300 I could start
you on the installment plan.

You need help, Rubin! Look at your clothes.
- I like these clothes!

Well, you don't have a job!
- I have money!

Well, you don't have any friends.
Now you have to admit that!

Nobody really likes you, Rubin.
I mean really.


I knew it. We came all
the way out here for nothing!

So Lord... Oh! That is the most
repulsive thing...

Hey! C'mon. Now let's go. Let's go back
to the car and follow our tracks.

That isn't funny. Any Warhol was
a successful artist.

What did he paint?
He painted Campbell's Soup cans.

Look I really don't want to
talk about art right now. Let's go.

He doesn't sound so great
to me, he sounds like a fraud.

That's absurd! He's famous.
- Well you can be famous and be...

a fraud... a famous fraud! Ha ha!

I really don't want to talk about art.
Never talk about art or religion or politics.

No wonder you don't have
any friends.

At least I'm not a fraud.

Fraud failure like you!
- I don't have time for this.

Have to admit you're a failure, Ed.
Have to admit your wife left you...

she couldn't stand to live with
a fraud failure! Ha ha!

You leave my wife out of this! I'm walking
back to the car and following the tracks...

back to the road, and
I'm going to Prod.

Ha ha ha!
Go ahead!

Prod is just over that hill!
I'll be in Prod before you!

Ha ha ha!

Where's the car?
- I don't know.

Where are you going?
- Away from you!

I can't believe you're still
carrying that thing.

You know what I think? I think you're afraid
to bury that cat because it's all you have.

That's what I think. What do
you think about that?!

I think... your car's that way.
- Well then go that way!

Stop following me! Go ruin
somebody else's life!

And another thing! I don't look at failure
as failure! I look at failure as...

an opportunity to develop my senses.
I laugh at failure - ha ha ha!

Ow! Son of a bitch! Ah!

I knew I could find it.

Didn't fail at that, did I?

Oh, brother.
Mr. Busta's gonna love this!

Okay! Ha ha!

Just see who get's to
Prod first, sucker! Ha ha!

Ed. First thing's first. Now remember,
the big "E" - enthusiasm!

- Hello Rula, I was just thinking about you...

and I thought I'd give you a bell.
- You've got a big problem, Ed!

Yeah I know.
- And you know the problem, isn't the problem.

- It's how you handle a problem, that's a problem!
I know. I know.

I think I deserve a bread winner, Ed.
And I'm not talking about Wonderbread.

I'm talking about croissants.

Right now, Rula, I am out in the desert
handling a big mineral deal...

You know minerals will really skyrocketing.

I mean these oil people keep me
really jumping.

Ha! I thought you said it was minerals?
- Well. Minerals... and oil. You know.

Actually it's a big mineral oil deal.
- Mmm...

Mineral oil... um.
Rula, could we just have a nice dinner some time?

It's over, Ed.

Why does it have to be over?
Please deposit $2.05 for the next 3 minutes.

Why does it have to be over, Rula?
Please deposit $2.05...

I don't have $2.05!
Rula!... Rula!...

Real smooth, Ed.
Real smooth.

Thanks. Listen, I'm looking for a friend.
He's got long hair and thick glasses...

He's wearing bell-bottom pants.
- Never seen a guy like that.

I never seen a guy like that either.
What's he drivin'?

We had car trouble and he
decided to walk.

On foot? A man don't last
long out there on foot.

Where'd you break down?

Sounds like he's out there on Snake Flats.
- Guy from New York died...

from a snake that bit him out there.
- That was a scorpion!

There are thousands more scorpions
than there are snakes.

- That was a snake! A big snake! I outta
know, I drove him to the hospital.

If your friend's headed north, why he's gonna
fall right down an abandoned mine shaft!

That's not north, that's west!

West is the test site.
- Test site's east. Sun comes up...

in the east, goes down in the west.

I sure hope your friend didn't go out east.
Radiation could kill a man in 30 seconds.

He's exaggerating, it takes longer
than that.

It takes exactly 30 seconds! I outta know.
I saw it on T.V.!

- One thing about it though, if your friend is...

still alive. This is where
he'll show up.

Not another town for 100 miles.
He'll show up.

Course he will.

Course he will...

Ha ha ha!

Do something, Ed!

Take control!

- Hello, mom. I want you to call the organization...

-and tell them that I'm sick.
You're not sick. You get over here and mow my...

lawn just you said you
was going to.

I'll do that later, mom. Just call
the organization, okay?

Yes, I'll accept the call.

Hello Ed, where you are son?
- Prod! Stupid, Utah!

Is mom still there?
- Your mother's pretty well steamed.

The organization's been here twice this morning.
They're pretty well steamed too.

A fella named Busta stopped by
and wants to know where you're at.

Mr. Busta?
- Yes.

He said that you better have that car back by
5 o'clock or he's gonna have to call the police.

Police?! Oh... great!

Terrific! Thanks a lot dad.
Now, can you put mom back on?

Hey, mom, it's for you.

Hello, mom.
- Yes?

Mom, is that you?
- Yes!

Ha ha!

You tell that idiot in the bell-bottoms when
he shows up I couldn't wait.

Okay. What if he don't?
- Don't what?

Show up?

I gotta go find him, right?
- I dunno.

I got to find him or he'll get bit by a
radiated snake and he'll fall...

down an abandoned mine shaft,

I dunno.
- Well, forget it. He's on his own!

I'm happy as hell ol' batface is out there
shriveling up like an old turd, I'm happy as hell!

I'm... happy as hell!

Okay... I have to go back to get the
hopeless son of a bitch!

It's his own damn fault!

I can't believe anybody would ever suck
on Odor Eaters! Ugh!


No! No, no!
- Ah ha ha ha! Alright!

Ugh! Oh. Heart.
Oh. Oh.

Just take it easy, Ed.
Just take it... easy.



Ow ow ow ow ow.

Echo people.




Hello Rubin! I love you!
I love your shoes!

You're a king! A king!
A king!

My cat can eat a whole watermelon!


Hey. Hey! Hey weirdo!
Hey weirdo!

Hey weirdo! Hey weirdo!
Come out and play!

C'mon weirdo! Your cat's down here!
Ha ha ha!

Uh oh! Cat overboard!

Not much of a swimmer, is he?
- Hey!


That's an asswipe up there.


Hey! This is not all that humorous
you know.

Holy Moses.

Indian. Could be Apache.

Oh! Ha ha! There you are! Boy you look
like a total dork!

Echo people.
- Echo people? God Lord.

Uh. Get up.

Echo people.
- Rubin. Get up!

Let's get your jacket on there.
Yeah, hypothermia won't help.

Get that jacket on.
Atta boy. Good work! Okay!

Let's go!

You're gonna... you'll want to let
go of that cooler, Rubin.

Rubin, let go of the!...

Okay! That's good! That's good!
No cat! C'mon! C'mon!

Let's get up on our feet here. Yeah! C'mon!
Atta boy. You can do it. That's it. Okay.

Nope, nope! Nevermind, it's time to go!

Okay... okay...

I'll bury Simon. You be the supervisor,
I'll be the burier.

Then... we are going to march out
of here. Okay?

Now you see? This is how you
dig a hole.

Tellin' you, Rubin. Your whole problem is.
You just won't let go!

You can't hold on to something
when it's dead!

Man, anybody ever needed that
seminar... it is you!

Go on to the next step.
If you don't, well you find...

yourself all of a sudden standing there
holding a big ol' pile of nothing!

I know.

I was on the road to success. Sure...

I coulda been driving my own
Thunderbird. No!

I had to let it all go, so I could come out to
this god forsaken place...

and show some asswipe how to
bury a soggy cat!

I'm sorry, Rubin.
I didn't mean it.

Oh Lord! Hell of a good looking cat you've
got here, Rubin. Magnificent... creature!

Sorry, Simon.

It's like a custom fit!
Ha ha! Look at this, Rubin!

Here's ol' Mickey! Rubber squeaky mouse!

Right in there with good ol' Simon.

Boy. I tell you Rubin, this is really a
swell place that you've picked here.

I mean this is tremendous!
Oh boy, I'm not kidding either!

Any cat would be... proud as a clam
to be buried here!

Okay. Yeah, if that doesn't say "Here Lies
Simon", I don't know what does.

How's that?


Dear Lord. Uh.
Bless this feline.

Um. He's a good cat.

He was a good friend to Rubin.
- Yeah...

Even though Rubin himself can
really be a... well...

Rubin loved this cat.


I don't see anything that looks familiar.
I don't know where the hell I am...

Does this look familiar to you?

My cat can eat a whole watermelon.
- Oh, horseshit!

There! Jabber down there with the rest
of the crockpots! See how you like that!

Echo people worshipped cats.
- Oh Echo people my butt! There are no Echo people.

I told you that 15 times. Just shut
up about the Echo people. Jesus.


After admitting that your wife left you,
she couldn't stand to live with a

fraud failure!

I love you Ed.

Where it happen...?

What happened?

C'mon Rubbie, let's go.

Can you get up?

Son of a bitch.
That dirty son of a bitch!

Now I'm not one to mettle in another's business...
- Good.

You feeling better Rubin?
- Better.

You don't seem like no kidnapper to me.

Kidnapper? What are you talking about?

Seems that fella who's head you're
watering there, his mother found...

your business card,
reported him kidnapped.

How would you know that?
- State trooper's through here an hour ago.

Your mother told him you were in Prod.
- My mother... that figures!

They said you was a dangerous car
thief and kidnapper.

You don't look all that kidnapped to me.

Listen um...

Could I borrow a quarter? I want to get
this thing straightened out right away.

Thanks. Police are reasonable people,
they'll understand.

Course they will.

Sheriff's Department.
- Hello, Police, uh. This is Ed Tuttle...

uh, the kidnapper you're after.

Um, I think there's been a little misunderstanding.
I was just helping bury a frozen cat.

Mr. Tuttle - is Rubin Farr alright?

Oh, he is so messed up it
is unbelievable.

Uh but it was his cat, it was not mine.
I said look, I said let's bury him under...

that cactus but no, he wanted to bury him
in the cave of the Echo people so...

anyway, I haven't done anything and I just wanted
you to get this all straightened out, okay?

Where are you now, Mr. Tuttle?
Are you in Prod?

Well of course I'm in Prod.

Rubin's with me.

Why, why... why do you care where we're at?

Just, uh, di - you don't need to know that,
okay? I haven't done anything!

Just calm down, Mr. Tuttle.
- You calm down! You are the ones...

who are supposed to calm down, alright?!
Why the hell are you harassing me anyway?!

I haven't done anything...
- Mr. Tuttle just stay where you are at.

Don't Mr. Tuttle me! Alright?! Now if you bozo's
had an ounce of sense...

you'd go after the real criminals! You'd go after
the son of a bitch that spray painted...

"Andy Warhol sucks a big one"
on my car!

Well... that oughta straighten it all out.
- Yeah...

Rubin. We've gotta get out of here fast.

Oh Lord!

Head down!

I can't believe it.
It just keeps getting worse!

You got any money?
We need gas.

Lost my wallet.
- Oh that figures.

Wrong street for my house.
- I know that!

Look we're not going anywhere unless we get
some gas! Gotta be one around here somewhere...

This is my old neighborhood.

Oh, no. Rula!

Hey, Ed! What are you doing in the bushes?!
I want to go home!


What? Want me to be quiet?

...What a wonderful surprise. I was just...

looking for my cat! Bugger
seems to have run off.

You've got a big problem, Ed.

I know.
- And you're not ever gonna do anything about...

the problem because you refuse to
accept that you have one!

I know. I know.
- We better go, Rula.

You're afraid to ask yourself the right questions.
Why? Because you're afraid of...

the answers but sometimes it's more
important to ask the right questions...

than it is to know the right answers!
- Sometimes Rula, I dunno what the hell you're talking about.

That's part of the problem.
- I know! I know!

We better go, Rula.
- Don't you ever interrupt me.

I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry.
- You've got a big problem too, ya know...

Just who the hell are
you anyway?!

This is Jimbo. He is my... fiancé.
- Your fiancé?

You're gonna marry... him?
- Hey! I resent that!

How'd you like a kick right in the taco, buster?
- Shut up, Ed!

No! You shut up! I... am sick and tired
of shutting up!

C'mon Rula, let's go.
- Let go of my arm!

I am not the one with the problem! You're
the fella with the problem!

Oh yeah?!
- Yeah!

Ha ha! Well, you are
lousy in bed! All those years...

I never had one... single... orgasm.


Ha ha! You missed me!

See I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding!

You are a miserable, miserable, miserable,
miserable failure!

I hate you!
- Rula. I'm going... I'm going.

This. I'm going.

Who's that?

It's my wife.
- You know what your problem is?

You've got a persistent, personal dilemma.

I'm gonna be sick!
- That's why you'll never earn any money...

and that's why you'll never be a success!
God knows I tried to steer you in the...

right direction! But you're so stupid!

You couldn't get it! You're just a loser!

You're just a hopeless loser!


She's the one with the problem.
- Yeah I...

She always... I just thought we were...

something special, you know.
- It's all messed up.

You've gotta go on to the next step.

Man! You really need that seminar!

Ha ha!

You really know how to hurt a guy,
you know that?

You... you... really need that seminar!

Shut your yap!
- Ha ha ha!

Now chant along with me... I am incredi...

Ha ha ha!

You know, what the number one difference...
between you and a rich man is?

He's got money... and you don't!
Ha ha ha!

You know what the number one difference is
between me and a rich man?

He's got my bitchy wife
and I don't!

Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha!

And if he was smart, he would
ask himself, "why?".

I can't believe that you didn't even get one...
person to that stupid seminar! Ha ha!

I wear $1200 suits.

That's a $2500 watch.

I drive a Lincoln Continental and I
park it in my 3 car garage...

next to my Cadillac and my Mercedes.

People who say that money can't buy
happiness... just don't know where to shop!

Ha ha ha!

Shut up! You're going to sit down and you're
going to be behave like a gentleman!

Okay. Okay.

Okay. C'mon.

Excuse us, folks.
Excuse us.

Excuse us.

Um. Sorry, sorry. Truly sorry.
Sit down! Sit down!

Car's back. Everything's cool.

Tonight I'd like to introduce you to
a couple of old friends.

Who's the biggest failure
in this room?

Raise your hand, Ed.

I don't see many hands going up.

That's because that nobody's taught you
that the secret to...

success is to fail and keep trying!
If you haven't failed, you haven't tried!

Boy that's really profound.
Sure worth $3000, hmm?

Let me tell you something, pal.

If you don't like what I'm saying, you can
leave. Nobody's forcing you to stay here.

- Sit!

Alright this has gone far enough!
Would you escort Mr. Tuttle and his friend...

to the door please.

You touch me and I'll sue
you into a coma.

I paid my money and I'm staying.
- Then be quiet!

Okay, fine.
It's your seminar.

We'll be quiet.
Won't we, Rubin.

Quiet as clams.


Not a peep.


Quiet as a well-digger's ass.

Will you shut up!
- Sure.

- Success!

Is there an echo in here?

Real estate!
- Real estate!

The Power of Positive Real Estate!
The "PPR"!

The organization!
- Yay! Yeah!

Are you the kind of high caliber
motivated individual that'll...

stop at nothing to get what
you deserve?!

Who are you?

Who are you...

Who are you...

I am the king of the Echo people.

There's no reason to be pushing a person!
- Get out of here!

Oh yeah?! Hell, same goes to you and
everybody who rode in with ya!

Hey! What the hell...

No we're quite alright! Ha!

I gotta hand it to you, Rubin.
That was el smarto!

Boy you really make an impression.

Those people are weird!
- They're weird? Ha! You are the one who's weird.

I mean take your shoes for example, Rubin.
You have to admit those shoes are weird.

I mean you have to admit that!

Are you bald?
- Ha ha ha! I'm not completely bald.

This is just a hair substitute.

Many very successful people wear
hair substitutes... Robert Redford...

owns several.
- Well... he wears platform shoes too.

Now that is ridiculous!
I mean you are really something, y'know that?

One rotten apple like that can ruin
a whole meeting!

Yes sir.
- And that guy with the shoes! What is...

Ahh! Ahh!

He's not gonna get away with this!
Where's your car?

Uhh, I don't have a car... where's your car?
- This is my car, stub dick!

I thought you had a Lincoln and
a Mercedes and a Cadillac...

Shut up and get in!

We're gonna find that son of a bitch...

and when we do, he's gonna wish to hell
he never heard of the organization! Go!

I feel revitalized! Man I am really hungry!
Aren't you hungry?

- What the hell was going on there?


I am really hungry!
- You devil!

We could get a fish burger around the
corner here... you're not a vegetarian...

are you? Nevet met a vegetarian
I liked.

I hate vegetarians.
- Me too.

I... I... I really hate 'em.
They're just... they're too damn picky!

I hate New Age music too.
- Oh! That stuff could really make a guy sick!

I hate it myself.
Yeah, wow! How I hate it!

So uh... what about Republicans?

I am a Republican.

You are kidding.

I'm a Republican too.

Ha ha ha!

Wait, wait!
There's the bastard now!

Go around the other side of the block.
Hurry up!

He's heading north on Main.

You know, Rubin.
Life's a funny thing.

Sometimes I just have to laugh at life.
Ya know, really. It gives me a chuckle.

It's not a joke. I mean uh, ya know life
is damn serious when you think about it.

Damn serious.


Now what the hell was that?

Ya see? That is exactly what I was talking about...

some poor guy is driving along, minding
his own business and all of a...

sudden life just leaps up and
smacks him right in the face.

Hope that poor bugger was insured.

Look! Damnit! If you bozo's had any
brains you'd catch the son of a bitch that...

painted "Andy Warhol sucks a big
one" on my car!

Y'know Rubin. If you took a good look at
yourself you would have to admit...

you need a lot of help!
- You're bald!

At least I'm doing something with my hair.
Life! I... I'm not just sitting on...

my duff like some people I know.
What you don't seem to realize, Rubin...

is that I am a real go-getter!

Ha ha! There's no stoppin'
this train, pal!

No siree Bob. I am on a collision
course. A head on collision...

course with the brick wall of success!

Think about it.

Subtitles by Magiin.
August 2020.