Royal Flash (1975) - full transcript

So the last thing I have
to tell you young fellows is this:

Play up and play the game!

Honor your queen
and country.

Mind what your masters
tell you.

Say your prayers each night.

Keep your minds
and your bodies clean.

Take a cold bath
each day.

And you'll find you can always
look the world in the eye...

like an English gentleman.

- Hear! Hear!
- Hear. Hear.

Now, my lads...



- I'm just a simple soldier.
- Oh! No, no, no.

Yes, I am though. But I tell you...

if you follow these rules...

then, when the last
roll call comes...

you'll be able to go up
before the Great Headmaster...

with a clean,
British conscience and say...

"Well, sir, I tried
to do my duty. "

And I think-

I think you'll find
that's good enough for him.

Well-Well, I think
that we have rarely heard...

such man-inspiring address.

We are deeply indebted
to Captain Flashman.

Let it be an example
to you boys-

especially when you remember
that only a few short years ago...



Captain Flashman, whose name
and fame has now run 'round the world...

as the hero of Kabul.

I need not tell you of the dauntless
heroism he displayed in Afghanistan...

- Let me in!
- of the matchless gallantry ofhis defense of Piper's Fort...

against overwhelming odds...

when he fought to the last
against the heathen hordes.

Here! Take the bloody thing.
I don't want it. Take it!

Ofhow
he was found the sole, gallant survivor...

- of the stricken field...
- There's a British officer there.

with his country's flag-
nay, his country's honor-

- clasped to his wounded body.
- He's alive.

Get him there, Carruthers.

We're your relief, sir.

Nor need I remind you...

or embarrass
his simple modesty...

by recalling the hero's welcome
which his queen and his country...

gave this gallant English gentleman...

whom we at Rugby School
know as Harry Flashman.

But-But even- even heroes...

must work,
and we must not...

keep him from his
arduous military duties...

which claim his first
allegiance.

Damn!

Come on. Oh, come on,
you silly slut.

Place your bets, please, ladies and gentlemen.
It's 4-to-1. That's right.

It's 4-to-1 the field on Pink Lady.
Lovely Pink Lady there, sir. There she goes.

Lovely thighs.
What a wonderful bosom.

Hello, Freddie.
Doin' all right?

Waiter!

This game's as crooked
as a line of Russian infantry-

and a damn sight
harder to beat.

Mesdames, monsieurs,
place your bets, please.

I know a better line.

Come on.

Speedicut!

We'll, uh, play vingt-et-un,
you see...

and every time I lose a trick,
I'll give you a piece of my clothing-

like, uh, a glove
or something.

- What if I lose a trick?
- Silly little girl.

You'll learn the rules
as we get along.

Quiet, lads. Now come on.
Quiet as you can.

Anybody makes a noise
loses his pension.

Right. Up you go, lad.
Go on. Get in there.

- All right. All right, sir.
- Go on. Now hang on tight.

- Yes.
- Right, lads. Start cranking.

Can't stand heights,
Sergeant.

- Never mind that. Go on up.
Keep your eyes open.

- Now what can you see?
- Nothing.

Right. Take him up
a bit more.

- I don't wanna go up any higher.
- Shut up. What can you see?

- Nothing.
- Take him right up.

Damnation!

Have you tarts
been marking this deck?

Hmm. I see what
the trouble is.

You're still too sober
to play properly.

Soon attend to that.

Get him up. Get him up.
Get him up.

No, it's no good, Sergeant.
I can't see anything.

- All right. We'll go in the front door.
- Hey?

Hey, waiter! Waiter!
Look alive, dagger-eyes! More bubbly!

Right.

Shh! Shh!
Quiet.

Police.!

Police! Quick!

All right, lads.

Cut and run. It's the traps!

Hide those chips, will ya?

Clean those tables off.

Don't panic, for God's sake.
Here you go, girls.

It's much too big.

No!

Lower away now.

Right. Upstairs. Upstairs!

Steady. Careful.

- All right.
- Get me down.

- Get me down, Sergeant.
- All right.

I can't stand heights.
Get me down.

You've cranked it up, sir.
Will you kindly crank it down?

I've had enough.
I wanna come down now.

Oh, I'm feeling sick.

- Sick.!
- Oi! You!

Get down.!
Right, lads.!

- Come on.
- Help me!

Oh! Sorry.

- All right.
- Lads, right. Come back here!

Do the British always sleep?
Wake up, driver.

God save us. What the devil
are you doing, sir?

- I'm hiding, ma'am.
- Well, I can see that.

Who from? And in my carriage,
if you please.

Please, I mean no harm.
It's the police.

Oh, no. No.
I'm not a criminal.

I was in a club
that was raided.

- Oh.
- Get out of this. Do you hear?

- Oh, please, sir-
- Get out!

Oh, let him alone, Otto.
Can't you see he's a gentleman?

Quick, you booby,
onto the seat.

- Such a delightful party.
- Huh?

There I was,
standing in a corner...

- Oh, yes.!
- surrounded by three duchesses...

and only two of them drunk.

Excuse me, sir. Might you have seen
a gentleman running?

Yes, Constable.
This is your man.

- Will you arrest him, please?
- Oh, stop it, Otto.

Really, Sergeant,
it's too bad.

He's making game of you.
This gentleman is with us.

Yes. Stop playing
the fool, Otto.

I'm tired. My leg hurts.

I need a nice rubdown.
Um, just there. Mmm.

The anguish.

Here. I know you.

You're Captain Flashman,
be God.

The hero of Afghanistan.!

- ByJove.
- Yeah.

The defender of Piper's Fort.
Well, here's a go.

He is a criminal fugitive who invaded
our coach without permission.

I don't care if he invaded Buckingham Palace
without permission.

Yes.

You're not English,
are you?

- I am a German officer, and I demand that-
- Yes. Well.

Captain Flashman
is a British officer...

so you don't
demand nothing.

Just move along, please.
Good night, sir. Adieu, ma'am.

Good night.

My dear, your face.

I am happy...

that you are amused
to make a fool of me.

- The devil take you then.
- How dare you insult a lady...

you dirty foreigner!

I shall remember you.

Well, I shan't trouble
to return the compliment.

Oh, yes, you will.
You will remember me.

- My name is Bismarck.
- Hmm.

These foreigners- can't look
an Englishman in the eye.

Yes, but it put me
next to a beautiful woman...

and one of two things
is inevitable:

She either surrenders
or screams-

sometimes both.

"Lola. "

"Lola"!

Sounds like a foreign bedroom
with purple wallpaper.

"Lola" what?

- Montez.
- Oh.

Lola Montez.

Ain't that a dago name?

You looked a bit dago.

- Thank you.
- Why didn't you give me away to the bobbies?

And have to spend the night
with Otto Bismarck...

who has nothing but ice and vinegar
in his veins?

My dear, I wouldn't have given you away
if you had been a murderer.

Bismarck is going
to be a great man someday.

He told me so
himself.

"I have a destiny
to rule," says he.

I told him,
"I have my ambitions too. "

And what might
they be?

To be a queen
in the theater...

and to live as I please...

love as I please
and never grow old.

And if you're disappointed?

Courage.
And shuffle the cards.

Not a bad motto.

Well, I tell you,
I am a far greater man...

than any Otto Bismarck.

Prove it.

You mean to say
while I was spending the night...

in a Bow Street cell, you were
bumping that little beauty?

Well, damn your luck,
Flashy.!

Only the brave
deserve the fair.

My backside's
like a pin cushion.

- Her hairbrush.
- Now. Now. Finish him!

Smash him.!

- Why don't they hit each other?
- See what I mean?

Gently, sweetheart.

You're not in bed now,
you know.

Hit him!

Well, well! If it ain't
Attila the Hun.

Ah, Count, glad
to see you again.

Come to watch us English
at play, what?

A sporting contest,
ladies and gentlemen.

- Very sporting.
- And a fitting moment to introduce our guest of honor.

A member of Parliament,
justice of the peace...

many years ago, the heavyweight champion
of all England.

Ladies and gentlemen,
will you drink toJohn Gully.

John Gully!

You make much
of this boxing, I see.

It is interesting enough to see
two of the lower orders...

slash each other
with their fists.

But surely, well-bred
men despair of this, no?

Well, Count, each country
to its own game.

I hear in Germany that you fight duels
just to get scars on your head.

The schlager,
the dueling saber-

It gives a man
honorable scars.

Besides,
it is for gentlemen.

Dueling, you see,
is a soldierly skill...

and, if you'll excuse me,
I see no skill in this.

Perhaps you think
boxing's easy.

Do you fancy you could
hold your own in a mill?

- Is that a challenge?
- Good Lord. No.

No, like you,
I'm a man of the sword.

But if you think
that boxing ain't scientific...

then you need a good teacher,
and the best teacher in all the world...

- is standing over there.
- Evening.

He'd be glad
to instruct you.

That is a foolish
proposition.

You see, Mr. Gully
is far too old.

- Oh, too old.
- No, don't mind, eh?

It wouldn't be that he's a professional-
one of the lower orders?

I am not interested
whether he's a professional or not.

- So you say!
- What the devil? Damn it, Flashman.

I'm sick ofhis foreign airs.

Sneering at old Jack as though
he weren't good enough!

The point is, if the count
wants a friendly spar...

Jack'll oblige, won't you?

Well, look here.
I'll tell you what I'll do.

To convince our visitor here that there's
more to the noble art than meets the eye...

I'll stand in front of him
with my hands down...

and let him try to plant
a few facers on me.

Now what do you say,
mein Herr?

You mean you'll stand there
and not run away...

- and let me strike you?
- I'll let ya try.

Good.

But, damn it,
he's a guest.

- You won't hurt him, Jack?
- Nah.

Now you must hit him fair-
above the waist.

Now go easy, Jack, for God's sake.

Now, Mr. Gully.

Now... time.!

Whoa!

Well done, mein Herr.

Never mind them.
They couldn't have done better.

Convinced now, Bismarck?

Ja. Ja.
There is skill, I admit...

but I would be obliged
if you would try me again...

and this time,
you will strike me in return.

No. No.
Enough. Enough.

No. No, Tom.
This man's a sportsman.

I'll spar easy with you, Count. You can go
home and say you fought the champion.

Come on, square head!

Jolly good, eh?

Enough. Enough.
That'll do.

You shouldn't ought
to have done that, mein Herr.

- That's not fair when a man's not looking.
- So...

you do not wish
to continue?

- Best not.
- Very well. If you've had enough.

I quit to no man.

Why, you limey bastard!

It was a most useful
instruction.

Jolly game, boxing,
ain't it?

Great builder of character,
they tells me.

I have to thank you
for this.

Someday, Captain Flashman,
since you are a man of the sword...

I hope you'll come
to Germany...

where we Germans can show you
how to fight with the saber.

Mr. Gully.

And now... again.

Encore!

Oh, Lord, no. Not again,
for heaven's sake.

It's like making love
under a coil of barbed wire.

Yes! Again.

En garde.!

Put that confounded
thing down, damn you.

I'm tired.

No one- No one
gets tired of me!

Well, I do!

You're-You're insatiable,
you!

I'm mistress in this house!

It's my pleasure that counts.!
You call yourself a man.!

I never did.

Empty, thank God.

You get too tired of me, will you?

I'll teach you to spurn Lola Montez!

I don't need any teaching.
Find yourself some other idiot-

Is he the castrati?

He's not wearing any-

You!

What the hell?

Allow me, ma'am.

Oh!

That's her over there!

I'll kill you
for this, Lola Montez.

You Spanish strumpet.!

La-La-La-Ladies.

Gracious.

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness.
Blood. Blood.

That may let
some of the wind out of her.

Madam Montez,
as your legal adviser, I did warn you.

N- Now you'll have to
leave England at once.

This is
attempted murder.

Very well.

Oh, dear. Uh, hello?

Uh, Captain-
Captain Flashman.

Who's here? Anybody here
by the name of Captain Flashman?

- Hmm?
- Hello, whoever you are!

- Oh.
- Over here!

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Captain Flashman.

- Hmm.
- Well, pull up a hip bath.

What?
Uh, no, thank you. I...

had a bath last month.

I take it, uh,
Captain Flashman...

that you haven't heard anything
from Madam Lola Montez...

since she had to leave
the country so hurriedly...

after that most distressing
affair, hmm?

Not a word,
thank God.

You see, she writes to me asking me
to find this Captain Flashman...

and provide him with, well,
very generous expenses...

and requesting him
to visit her in Bavaria.

What the deuce
is Lola doing in Bavaria?

Well, uh, from all accounts...

she's, uh, well-
She's ruling the place.

Mmm. She is, in fact,
the uncrowned queen of Bavaria.

A more apt term
would be...

she's the mistress
of Bavaria.

You see, sir...

when she left this country, Madam Montez
traveled widely in Europe...

appearing in, um, a professional capacity.

Her activities excited
considerable attention...

among some very highly
distinguished personages...

including His Majesty,
King Ludwig of Bavaria.

- He was much taken
by her performance, I'm told.

I don't believe
they're real.

No, no, no.
I meant the spiders.

In short, he became
her devoted slave...

and she- the virtual
ruler of his kingdom.

Uh, well, in here,
she instructs me...

to pay you
£500 in gold...

and she requests that you
visit her in Munich...

in order to perform...

a very delicate service
for her.

Well, I'm damned.
Little Lola.

Munich.

Hmm?

Thankee, son.

Herr Rittmeister Flashman,
my privilege to welcome you to Bavaria.

Freiherr Rudi von Sternberg
at your service.

Useful weapon this.
Quite new.

No doubt. In the British army,
of course, t'ain't a weapon that counts.

'Tis the man behind it.

How very fortunate
for the British army.

But we mustn't
waste time.

Lola can't abide
to be kept waiting.

You seem to know her
pretty well.

- Well enough.
- For a messenger boy, I mean.

Anything to oblige
a lady.

I have other duties-

when I feel like them.

Not a bad little cottage.

My chair, I think, Madam.

Oh, excuse me.

I believe you are even
handsomer than ever.

And you're still the most beautiful
girl in all the world.

What's, uh-What's this very delicate
service I'm to perform for you?

Hmm? You'll see.

Baroness Pechman.

How do you do?

- Overblown bag of blubber.
- Mmm.

Oh, my bloody foot!

I'm frightfully sorry.

Lola, let's go to bed,
you and me.

Come on! You and me!

You are tired, Harry.
You should lie down.

I'm good when I'm tired.

Let's make each other tired.

Come on, Lola!

Very well. Over here.

I know you find me
irresistible.

Darling. Darling Lola.

I'm at me very, very
best when I'm tight.

- In a moment.
- Moment. Oh, Lola.

Oh, Lola.

Lola.

Lola.

- Ooh.
- You're not Lola. Get off!

Fat slut.
Get away.

What do you want,
you great randy cow?

Oh, no. Oh!

No woman ever did that to me!

No!

All right then.
Since you're here.

Wha- Oh. Wha-

Take your hand-
that- away from me.

Stand still, you.

- You're under arrest!
- What? For God's sake.

That's not a crime.
I demand to see the countess!

The British ambassador?

Ow! Ooh. All right.

How dare you lay your hands on
an Englishman, you cabbage-eating hounds.!

What am I supposed
to have done, confound you?

I don't know what
you call it in English...

but we have several
names for it in German:

"Indecent assault,"
"corruption of public morals"...

"disorderly conduct. "

For your bestial behavior,
you could go to prison for life...

but there are more appropriate
forms of punishment.

Huh?

No.

Up, man!
Run for it!

Very good.

Sternberg!
Sternberg!

- Sternberg.!
- Coming!

Shit!

- Wha-
- Missed.!

But why didn't you
come in through the door?

Well, I do like
to make an entrance.

You'll need this.
It's a long way.

But, damn it!
Where are we going?

Why the deuce must we
come all this way?

It ought to be safe
by now.

It's never safe
with villains like those after you.

Didn't I rescue you?
Put your trust in me.

Oh, very well.
But I wish you'd tell me.

- What's that?
- Schönhausen.

Friends of mine.

Ever read Frankenstein?
Splendid stuff.

Come on.

You'll like it.

Better than those seedy hotels
where they don't air the beds.

Oh, yes. Now, you've met
Kraftstein and De Gautet before.

Two members of the local friendly society...

better known as
the Brothers Grimm.

- Bastard.
- I'm sorry. I'm afraid my "rescue"...

was just a little comedy played out
for your benefit.

Rather artistic, though,
don't you think?

- And it did get you here quietly.
- You kidnapped me!

Welcome to Schönhausen,
Mr. Flashman.

Please, sit down.

There.

You don't seem
pleased to see me...

but then why should you,
hmm?

There is a score to settle.
I still have a tooth missing.

But don't imagine that is why
I had you brought to Germany.

Amazing as it may seem,
Mr. Flashman, I need you.

Kraftstein, give him a brandy.
He will need it.

Tell me something,
Mr. Flashman...

in between your whoring...

and your drinking...

have you taken
any interest in politics?

- Hmm?
- Politics?

Well, I'm a Tory.
My governor was a Tory M.P. -

until they found
him out.

I am a politician.

Someday I shall be the statesman
responsible for uniting...

the present loose German states
into a stronger Germany- into a Reich.

That is my destiny.

One of these little German states I wish
to see incorporated in this Reich...

is called Strackenz.

It's a small, independent duchy ruled over
by a young and popular duchess.

Her name is Irma.

In two weeks time, she is
to be married to a certain...

Crown Prince Carl Magnus
of Oldenburg.

He's Scandinavian.

It is vitally important
for political reasons...

for my plans, this wedding
should take place.

You understand?

By all means.
Splendid!

Good luck
to the happy couple.

There has been
a serious complication.

The crown prince, an admirable
young man in many ways...

has been...

foolish.

He has contracted
a social disease.

A what?

A social disease.

You mean he's got
a dose of clap?

Well, that's damned
inconsiderate of him.

Ha.! Still, boys will be boys.

Will you hold
your imbecile tongue!

Fortunately, there are very few people
who know about his condition.

It will take
several months to cure him...

and this wedding
must take place in two weeks.

Well, talk sense, man.
I mean, it can't...

not if this prince fellow
has Cupid's measles.

It will take place,
Mr. Flashman.

It will.

I scheduled it.

You see...

this is Crown Prince
Carl Magnus.

No! No!

You raving bloody lunatics!

No! I see it all now.

You want me to take
his place! I won't do it!

Bloody Vandals.

- You've ruined me.
- We're making you stouter, too...

like Carl Magnus.

Filled with oil,
so be careful...

when you strike a match,
and on no account take your shirt off.

Astounding.

In effect,
he is Carl Magnus-

except for two
small details.

- What?
- The prince, as you see, has two dueling scars...

one each side
of his face.

Here...

and here.

Souvenirs of his dueling days
when he was a student at Heidelberg.

- How do we give him those?
- Well, they must be permanent.

Oh, no! For God's sake, Bismarck.
Haven't you any decency left?

- I'll be maimed for life, disfigured.
- Be quiet!

You sniveling pig.

I'm not going to kill you.

A sip from the soup plate
of honor will do you good.

And, remember...

if it hurts at all, the pain
has been paid for in advance...

by your amiable friend,
John Gully.

Well, I ain't gonna
wear blinkers, damn ye!

I salute you,
you animal!

Pish to you.

Distance.

Prepare.

Ow.

Stand still and only strike
for the head.

Fight.

Halt!

Faster, Mr. Flashman.

Much faster, please.

Fight!

Halt!

Good.

That was very good.

And now we do it
for real!

Really. Real.

Fight!

You-You bully, you!

Blood.

Pick it up.
Pick it up!

Or Kraftstein will cut
the other one with a rusty saw.

Well, it ain't fair, damn you.
My skull's fractured.

Bastard!

What kind of a man
are you, Mr. Flashman?

- An Englishman.
- An Englishman? Then hold him. Hold him!

Ow. Ow!

Excellent, hmm?

Both to the inch,
Herr Sternberg.

Leave the wounds open
so that he scars properly.

I have the feeling
our task will be easier.

You are beginning to behave
like royalty already.

His Royal Highness, Prince Carl Ragna
Adolphus Magnus...

crown prince of Oldenburg...

great-great-grandson
of George III.

He's a vigorous
and athletic young man...

who walks with
a military swagger...

usually with his left hand
in the small of his back.

He has an aristocratic manner,
especially to his social inferiors...

and a peculiar nervous habit
of tugging at the lobe ofhis right ear...

when he is puzzled
or nervous.

But he never claws
at his buttocks.

Royalty hardly ever do.

He is extremely fond of German wine,
but never drinks claret...

which, invariably,
makes him sick.

He likes snuff, and he's expert at opening
his snuff box with one hand...

and taking a pinch.

Come on. Hyah! Hyah!

His Royal Highness is an enthusiastic
player ofbilliards...

pyramids and pool and is extremely expert
at performing trick shots...

- for the entertainment ofhis friends.
- Excellent.

He is also
a skillful dancer...

and takes special delight in the new
Bohemian peasant dance, the polka...

which he performs
with the prettiest partners he can find.

Berlin, sir!

Oh, God, Jesus.
Make it by.

Come on.

Down the wire!

Enjoying yourself?

He begins to look the part.

- Just in time, I feel. Hmm?
- He'll do.

Oh, he'll do.

Your education is over.

From this moment on, you begin to play
your part in earnest.

Your life may depend on it.

The crown prince is not due to enter
Strackenz until the day after tomorrow.

You will spend tomorrow night on the borders
of the duchy in the château at Tarleheim.

Prost.

Oh, Kraftstein.

Ow!

That's it. Grovel,
you commoners.

Welcome to Strackenz,
Your Highness.

I trust Your Highness's
journey was not too tedious.

No. No, indeed.

Though I must confess,
I counted the hours all the way.

Oh.

Was the weather cold
on your journey?

At times.

Sometimes it was
quite warm...

but nowhere as warm
as it is here.

Oh, Your Highness is too hot.
Shall I order the windows open?

Oh, Christ, no.
No. I mean...

the warmth
of your welcome.

The people
cheering.

Ah, yes.
The people.

They are
rather noisy.

This is a passionate female.

She'll be tearing
my trousers off in a minute.

Pay her a compliment, man.
Say something gallant.

Highness, may I say-

May I tell you-

You're the loveliest piece
of tumble I've seen all year.

I- I mean-

Your beauty-
so, so pale.

Like mist in a cemetery.

Highness-

Shall we dance?

What are we going
to play?

- Turn back two pages. Turn back two pages.
- What?

Ready?

It was like dancing
with a dead nun.

Heaven help
the real Carl Magnus.

And on this historic day...

we humbly-
humbly...

invite Your Royal Highness
to inaugurate...

Strackenz's
first public locomotive...

steam railroad train
and carriages...

traveling at speeds...

in excess
of 10 miles every hour.

What? Every hour?

Your Highness.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm!

I have great pleasure...

in declaring this locomotive...

steam railroad train... open.!

Sorry, Your Highness.
Get him outta here.

Get another bottle.
Get another bottle.

Your Highness. Get him outta here.
Another bottle.

Sorry.
Get another bottle.

A crisis has arisen.

Oh, it's all right.
They'll find another bottle.

Ayoung Strackenzian nobleman
has arrived in the city today.

His name is Eric Hansen.

He is coming
to your wedding tomorrow.

So what?

It just happens that this Hansen is
the one man in the whole of Strackenz...

who knows Carl Magnus
intimately.

He was brought up
at the Oldenburg court...

and was the prince's playmate
and companion.

What? My God!
He'll see I'm a fake!

- He'll start-
- Shh! Shh! Be silent, will you?

There is no reason to suppose that
he will not think you are the real prince.

He will only meet you for a moment
at the presentations afterwards.

The vital thing is that you must pretend
to recognize him.

- Oh.
- And say as little as possible.

When he comes up to you,
you will shake him by the hand...

and you will say, "Eric, my old friend,
where did you spring from?"

And then you will look delighted.

What happens
if he sees through me...

and starts shouting,
"That ain't the real prince!"?

What will you do then?

I'll have done it...
long before then.

Your Highness, we're ready for you.

Your Majesty.

Highness, thank you.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Excuse me.
Thank you.

Eric, where did you spring-

It's open!

Get me a brandy,
for God's sake.

In nomine Patris
et Filii...

et Spiritu Sancti.

In nomine Patris et Filii...

et Spiritu Sancti.

- Amen.
- Amen.

His Excellency the ambassador...

from the government
of the kingdom of Naples.

His Excellency
Suleiman Pasha.

The Right Honorable
Cassius Clay...

ambassador from the government
of the United States of America.

Count Otto von Bismarck
Schönhausen.

On behalf of the Berlin parliament,
greetings, Highness.

Bismarck, did he say?

Haven't you had the honor of being
presented to me before somewhere?

I think not, Highness.

Oh, well.

These Central Europeans
all look alike to me.

His Excellency
the British ambassador.

Hansen.

Mr. Eric Hansen.

Eric, where did you spring from?
Eric, where did you spring from?

Spring!
Where did you Eric from?

Your Highness.
Dear Carl.

Old friend, I had to come
to wish you joy-

you and your beautiful
duchess.

I... beg your pardon,
Highness.

His Excellency
the French ambassador.

And now-
the royal photograph.

He knew I wasn't the real prince.
Suppose he talks.

- No. He wasn't sure at first.
- Here.

But he doesn't suspect anything now.

Of that I'm certain.

My God, I hope so.
Oh!

Anyway, we'll keep a close eye
on Master Hansen.

He is one of
the Strackenz Volsungs...

dedicated to keeping
the duchy out of Germany's clutches.

They run
a secret organization...

prepared to fly to arms the moment
that they feel that the freedom...

of their precious
little country is threatened.

You can guess what they'll do to you
if they find out about you.

Secret organization?
But you didn't tell me anything-

Don't worry, Your Highness.
It won't happen.

You may as well lie back
and enjoy your honeymoon...

until the real Carl Magnus
is ready to take over.

Come in.

Pardon, Highness.

Uh, the crown jewels.

We have to place them in
safekeeping again- in the clock tower.

Ah.

Very efficient.

Come along,
Your Highness.

We mustn't keep
the duchess waiting.

I'm sure she's as eager
to be on her honeymoon as you are.

Irma?

Irma? Little wife.

There'll be no more
singing downstairs.

We'll have a chorus
up here instead.

Irma.

I'm not going
to hurt you.

- Oh. Just once more.
- Oh, my. Oh, God.

- Not again.
- Oh, yes!

A little more chocolate,
my darling?

It's so cold
and misty outside.

We could stay indoors...
all day.

Oh!

Must you go boar hunting
so soon-

after only a week together?

I think you've grown
bored with me already.

This indigestion.

Promise you won't be long.

Will you think of me
while slaughtering all those boars?

Every moment.

- Good morning, Your Grace.
- Hmm!

Let the hunt begin.

- Release the hounds.
- Aye, sir.

What? Hounds?
Doggies.

- Let's go, Dasher.
- On, my proud beauties!

Kill!

Ain't the doggies
found the boars yet?

Hmm?

This is considered
the finest view in Strackenz.

Mmm.

It's called theJotunschlucht-
the Giant's Cauldron.

You don't say.

De Gautet, we-
We could talk about this.

Huh? Huh?

Please, De Gau-

- Oh, my heart!
- Huh?

Well!

You backstabbing rat, you!

No!

Murder me, would you?

Please! It was
Bismarck's order.

- Please!
- Why did he want me killed?

The story about Carl-
Carl Magnus was all lies.

There was nothing
wrong with him.

Bismarck put you
in his place.

Then you were
to be killed.

When your body was found-

they'd find
papers in your pocket...

proving that you
were an English agent.

- What could Bismarck possibly gain from that?
- Everything.

Strackenz would be
in total confusion.

Germany would then
have an excuse...

to march in
and take over the duchy.

Aye. You can howl now.

A fat lot of mercy
you showed me...

and I bet you didn't show any
to the real Count Magnus, heh?

- Where is he?
- He's alive! I swear it!

- Plea- Plea-
- Where?

Jotunberg Castle.

In- In the dungeon.

He was to be killed, also,
after you.

You murderous jackal, you!

You don't deserve to live
another minute.

Please! Let me go.

So I will-
down there.

Auf Wiedersehen, De Gautet.

Come to jolly Germany.
Cabbage-eating bastards!

Come on. Pull the rope tighter.
We'll make him talk.

They forced me to do it,
I tell you.

Well, that fiend Bismarck-
he stops at nothing.

Believe me, gentlemen.

So, my fine young
English friend...

you say you were compelled to impersonate
the prince, Carl Magnus...

and to marry
our duchess...

and this was a plot
of the German, Count Bismarck.

Well, it's true.
On my honor.

They kidnapped me-

and my wife.

My real wife, that is.
And my little daughter.

They swore they'd kill them
if I didn't agree to do it.

My own daughter, gentlemen.

My little...
golden-haired Amelia.

Will I ever see her again?

Oh, he's lying.

It can't be true.
The thing's impossible.

They cut scars on me...

forced me to wear a monocle.

Now, look!

Whether your story
is true or false...

you are a dead man...

unless you tell us
where the real Carl Magnus is.

In a dungeon in Jotunberg.

We must get him out of there
before it's too late.

But we daren't attack. They'll cut
his throat at the sound of the first shot.

Aye. Where a whole army
is useless...

two desperate men
might succeed.

Now, if they swam the lake,
stole into the castle undetected...

one of them could make his way
to the dungeon to protect the prince...

while the other
could lower the drawbridge.

Carl Magnus is my friend.
I'll go.

And who goes with you
to die at the drawbridge?

- Honestly, I'm a rotten swimmer.
- Silence!

Either you die righting
the wrong you've done, or you hang!

- Agreed?
- Yes. Yes.

So. We charge in...

and we'll have Carl Magnus
out alive, God willing.

Or there'll be no survivors
of that garrison.

Hear! Hear!

As for you, you have nothing
to lose but your life.

Don't worry. I'll find
your kidnapped wife and daughter.

Take comfort.

That dear little golden-haired Amelia
is always in my thoughts.

We'll have to swim
most of the way.

How did you know that
I wasn't Carl Magnus anyway?

The saber scars on your head
are in the wrong place.

So much for Bismarck's
clever planning. Conceited ass.

God help Germany
when he's in charge.

We'll swim from here.

- What?
- Follow me!

- God! It's freezing.
- Go on!

Go on!

Aah! I've got cramp!
I've got cramp!

Save me!
Save me!

Sharks! Sharks!

Quiet, you miserable coward,
or I'll drown you myself!

Swim this way, Crown Prince Flashy.

Come along.
There's a good chap.

You don't want to catch cold, do you?
Who's your dead friend?

Please. Please, don't shoot.

- It's Hansen.
- Serve him right.

- You're trembling, man.
- I'm cold, sir.

Not as cold as he is.
Come on. Out with you.

Kraftstein.! Wolfgang.!

Into the dungeons.!
The Englishman's down there.

Flush him out.!

Kraftstein? Is that you?

Someone's
in the old torture chamber.

Oh, God. Oh, God,
get me out of this.

I swear, I'll be good
for the rest of my life.

Who are you?

My face.

Who are you,
in God's name?

I never looked like that.

Allow me to make
the introductions, Highness.

Who is this man?
What is he doing here?

Until recently,
he was Prince Carl Magnus.

But in fact, Highness,
he's an Englishman...

who has been kind enough to deputize
for you during your holiday here.

You're trying
to drive me mad.

If you have a spark
of decency...

then, for the love of heaven,
tell me what you want!

Gently. Yes, Your Highness,
all in good time.

- May I?
- Oh.

Thank you.

Cheerful fellows,
the old lords ofJotunberg.

When they got tired of you,
they just chained you to one of these-

and...

down you went.

It may console Your Highness
to know that one of your friends...

is already waiting for you
at the bottom of the lake.

Hansen, his name was.

Eric Hansen?
What have you done to him?

He went swimming when
there was an "R" in the month.

And now, with Your Highness's
permission, we'll bid you good night.

You.

You with my face.
Why don't you speak?

Good night,
Your Highness.

All right, Kraftstein,
you look after the original.

I'll take care
of the forgery.

- What are you going to do?
- Don't be nervous.

If I had wanted you dead, you'd have
stopped twitching half an hour ago.

No, you and I are going to try out
a little scheme of mine.

After you.

Now, look, what if Kraftstein were to meet
with a fatal accident tonight, hmm?

And the real prince
went down the pipe into the lake?

Shirt.

Oh. Thank you.

What's to prevent you and me
slipping back to Strackenz City...

and you resume your rightful
place on the throne...

with your humble servant
by your side?

- What a partnership.
- What the hell are you driving at?

Don't you see, man? Who would know
you weren't the real prince?

Just you... and me.

You'd be the virtual ruler
of the duchy.

Do you know what its revenues
amount to? Hmm?

You're mad. Stick my neck
into that again?

I'd rather be alive and...
poor, thankee.

Where's your spirit,
play actor?

Hmm?

Oh, I see what it is.

- You don't trust me.
- Well, now that you come to mention it.

But of course we don't trust each other.
That's the whole point.

We're both rotten,
but we both know it.

All right. All right.

But how do we get rid
of Kraftstein?

Spoken like
an English gentleman.

Let's drink to our partnership.

Drawbridge.
Drawbridge.

Drawbridge.

Never hit a man
when he's down.

He may get up.

Drawbridge.

Oh, blast.

Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

To the front! To the front!

Bad form to sneak away
without saying good-bye.

Good-bye.

Not quick enough.
Really.

They stopped De Gautet
this time, you know.

Aha! Don't like
cold steel, do we?

Ha.!

No.! Don't shoot.!

Garlic.

Are you all right, you British?

- Stand and fight.
- Why should I?

So that you can show off
your swordsmanship? Oh.

Mm-mmm.

Aha!

Whoa!

- Come down and fight like a man.
- Don't be ridiculous.

Hungarian pimp!

Wh-Whoa!

Ha-ha!
Ha-ha!

Please, no. No.

Uh!

Wha-

You can't run forever.

Stand to 'em, Kraftstein!
They're only a pack of ploughmen.

- Make a bridge.
- What?

Make a bridge.
Go on.

Son of a pig!

Charge!

Charge!
The guards!

Highness, the keys.

Well, stop biting.
Damn you.

Pax. Pax.
I surrender.

Is that the way
you English win your wars?

Since when did you
last fight fair?

Well, I was fairly young.
In 1844.

No, you stupid bastard!
Throw 'em at him, Highness.

No! I'm on your side!

Grundwig, the door!

Break that door down.

All right, you-
Ow!

Not that door.
This door.

Ow!

Bad luck, old fellow.
You'll go together.

You can't get rid of me.

Spread out.!

I'll get you!

Ow!

Two birds
with one stone.

Au revoir,
Your Highnesses.

No! No!
Not down the drain!

Poor little
golden-headed Amelia.

Was that
what his name was?

There are enemies
of the state close behind me!

Whoa!

Get me a fresh horse!
Food in the saddlebags.

I'm riding out!
Open the door.

Come on.
I'm a prince.

No one to leave
or enter the palace!

Understand me?

- There's a rebellion brewing!
- Halt!

Someone is trying
to impersonate me!

Don't let him in!

Highness!
It's the prince!

It's the prince!
He's safe! He's safe.

Oh, Carl! Carl, you're safe.
Oh, my darling!

My darling, darling,
darling, darling!

Oh, Carl.
Where have you been?

Are you all right,
my dearest?

There-There, there.
It's all right.

There's been a-
There's been a- a plot.

Um, an armed rebellion.
But it's- It's all right now.

A plot?
Against my duchy?

Against us, my dear.
But don't worry.

It's all right.
Everything's all right.

It's finished,
or nearly.

Who was it?
Who dared?

Oh, well, it was, uh-
It was, uh, some chaps.

But, uh, my darling,
I've got to leave you again.

Oh! Leave me?
Oh, dear.

Oh, you're so thin.
Oh.

- And your hair.
- Oh. Sunstroke.

Darling, don't worry. It's nearly over.

There's only one thing
I've got to do that only I can do-

my duty to you,
to Strackenz!

Darling- Oh.

Darling, you must stay here and do
your duty as a duchess, Duchess.

Oh. Oh, I wonder
if there's time.

No! No!
I must go.

Darling, I must leave you.
I'll-I'll be back.

I love you.

My own prince.

I love you.

I really love her-

I think.
In a way.

- Lieutenant!
- Highness.

There's been a threat
to the duchess's life.

Take your soldiers,
guard her apartment.

Yes, of course, Highness.
But our duty here- the crown jewels?

Ah.

- Lieutenant, you're not married?
- No, Highness.

Then perhaps you're...
a lover.

Ah. Then you understand.

Take good care of her
for me, would you?

W- With my life,
Highness!

Ah!

Highness.

Highness, allow me
to carry that, if you please.

Josef, no, no, no.
You go to bed. Good night.

- But, Highness-
- Good night, Josef.

Good. Put it over there.

So, Strackenz
is lost to us, hmm?

For the moment.

With half Europe in the grip
of revolution, that is no matter.

And that English thief
is not beyond our reach.

Hmm. If I know him
at all...

he will run to the last place
we would think of looking for him.

Away from England.

- Munich.
- Precisely.

When you have disposed of him,
you will report back to me, please.

- Oh.
- Already it is out of date.

I go to redraw it...
in German script.

I have the feeling
I shall be...

busy for the next
30 years, hmm?

Throw her out! Throw her out!

Get Lola out of Munich.!

- The bloody Spanish whore!
- Is Lola Montez still in the palace?

- The Lola Montez?
- That's her.

- Whore!
- The vulgar, bloody fiend!

You two move right back.!

- Don't let her through.
- Got a coach as well, have you?

- Make her bleedin'walk.
- She's all right.

Stop the bloody coach.
Don't let her get away.

Walk the bleedin'earth.

Lola!

Lola! It's me- Harry!
Harry Flashman!

Lola, wait!

Get away!
Leave me alone!

It's me! Can't you see?
Harry Flashman.

- You? What are you doing here?
- Let me in, for God's sake. I need your help.

Otto Bismarck's after me.
For God's sake. I've got no money.

- Whip up, driver.
- It's all your fault.

Lola, I love ya,
you selfish bitch.

You're raving!
Get out!

Get out of my sight!

Stop, coachman!

Lola?

Lola!

Did you change your mind?

Harry.

Oh, Lola.

Harry.

I knew, in spite of everything,
you'd never desert me.

- How could I, my darling?
- Mmm.

Can you forgive me
for what happened?

Oh, that.
Hmm.

You've had your share
of bad luck too.

Ungrateful swine,
these kings.

I only wish
I could help you.

But I'm penniless,
you see.

I know.

Lola?

Lola?

Jesus!

Thieving bitch!

I- I'm ruined.

Oh, Jesus.

I can never resist other people's
correspondence.

Do join me.
Hmm?

Dear Harry.

My need is greater
than yours.

I trust we shall not
meet again, and yet...

dear, worthless Harry...

there will always be a place for you
in the heart of Lola Montez.

P.S. Courage.
And shuffle the cards.

What a woman.

You know, if I were
a marrying man...

she'd be the last female
on God's earth for me.

Ah, well.

Good-bye.

A little game
I've invented.

I think I'll call it
Hungarian roulette.

Have a try.

You see, old fellow,
when I kill you...

it'll be
because I want to...

and not because
Otto Bismarck says so.

- You do see the difference?
- Oh, absolutely.

What are you gonna do?

Go abroad, I think.

Bismarck's
such a damn bore.

But then I suspect
great men usually are.

What about you?
Hmm.

That damn Lola's
cleaned me out.

Ah, well, I've still got the 500 quid
she gave me to come to Germany.

Well, it's better than nothing.

Yes, and as I always say...

if you've got money in the bank
and drink in the house...

what more do you want?

My turn, I think.

Hell's bells, Rudi.!
Somebody could have been killed.!

Well, that is the point
of the game.

But I could have
been killed..