Roxanne (1987) - full transcript

In Nelson, the chief of the firemen C. D. Bales is a man with complex since he has a huge nose. When his friend Dixie rents her house to the gorgeous student of astronomy Roxanne, he falls in love with her but keeps his feelings as a secret. C.D. hires the handsome fireman Chris and Roxanne asks C.D. to help her to date him. However Chris is an average American with very limited culture and he asks C.D. to help him to get in her pants. C.D. writes letters disclosing his feelings for her and Roxanne is seduced by the man that writes such letters. What will happen when she meets Chris?

DIXIE, IT'S ME.

HI. HOW YOU DOIN'?

I'LL BE THERE IN
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

I'M BRINGING IT.

I'VE ONLY HAD IT A
YEAR AND A HALF.

I TOLD YOU I'D RETURN IT.

OK, SO LONG. ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. BYE.

♪ I'M WALKIN' ♪

♪ YES, INDEED,
AND I'M A-TALKIN' ♪

♪ 'BOUT YOU AND ME ♪

♪ YEAH, I'M A-HOPIN' ♪



♪ YOU SWAT SWADDO SWAY ♪

♪ OH, YEAH! ♪

♪ NOW I'M FORMING ♪

♪ WORDS WITH MY TONGUE ♪

♪ NOW I'M STUMBLING ♪

♪ BUT I'M OK NOW ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ NOW I'M WALKIN' ♪

♪ DOWN THE STEPS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IT'S EASIER ♪

♪ THAN WALKIN' UP THE STEPS ♪

♪ HEY! ♪

♪ DIDN'T SLIDE ♪

♪ OH, THAT'S A TOUGH
BREAK FOR ME ♪



♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ NOW I'M HAVING ♪

♪ A SMALL HEART ATTACK ♪

♪ BUT I'M RECOVERING ♪

♪ HEY! YEAH! ♪

♪ NOW I'M SEEING ♪

♪ TWO COKED-UP
HOPHEADS COMIN' AT ME ♪

♪ COULD BE TROUBLE ♪

♪ OH, OH, GRANNY... ♪♪

OFF THE SIDEWALK!

OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET, SCUM!

IT'S A COP.

IF HE'S A COP, WHERE'S HIS GUN?

HE'S A FIREMAN!

CUT A WIDE SWATH, PUSSY.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU, ASS-WIPE.

THAT'S THE BIGGEST NO...

DON'T SAY IT.

QUITE A HOOD ORNAMENT
YOU GOT THERE, PAL.

HERE IT COMES!

HONK HONK!

3-D COMING AT YOU.

I REALLY ADMIRE YOUR SHOES.

I LOVE YOUR SHOES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I WAS JUST THINKING,

AS MUCH AS I REALLY
ADMIRE YOUR SHOES

AND WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A PAIR,

I REALLY WOULDN'T WANT
TO BE IN YOUR SHOES

AT THIS PARTICULAR
TIME AND PLACE.

OW!

HWUH! HWUH!

I DON'T REALLY KNOW KARATE.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

OW!

YEOW!

DAMN IT!

GET UP!

SON OF A...

GET PISSED, RICH!

I AM PISSED!

OH!

15-LOVE.

OK, COME ON! COME ON!

COME ON!

OK.

YOU WANT TROUBLE,
YOU'LL GET TROUBLE.

OW, BLOOD!

FAULT!

ET LA.

UH!

THAT'S THE WAY
YOU WANT TO PLAY...

YOU BROKE MY NOSE.

AAH!

OLE!

HAD ENOUGH YET?

30-LOVE.

SURPRISE.

40-LOVE.

HA!

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

OH.

SERVICE!

WUH!

GAME.

LET'S PLAY AGAIN SOMETIME.

GROVER!

GROVER!

GROVER!

DIXIE!

DIXIE!

DIXIE?

DIXIE.

DIXIE!

WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?

OH, HI.

HERE'S YOUR RACKET.

THANKS. WHAT'S THIS
STUFF ON IT, VITALIS?

NO, IT'S BLOOD. WHERE'S MY TEA?

BERNIE!

WANT TO TELL ME ABOUT IT?

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

COME HERE, GROVER.

COME HERE, GROVER.

GROVER.

GROVER, COME HERE.

SHIT!

DAMN IT!

THERE BETTER BE A
WINDOW OPEN, GROVER.

I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU NEUTERED.

DON'T GO ANYWHERE, GROVER.

I'M GOING TO THE
FRONT OF THE HOUSE.

AAH!

AAH! GOD!

OH, NO!

GOD!

OH, BROTHER, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

BOMP, BOMP, BOMP.

YAY!

[WHISTLES]

MORE, MORE.

THANK YOU.

GOD DAMN IT!

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT THEM OUT!

GUYS, GUYS.

OH, WHAT NOW?

OH, NO!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I HAVE A DREAM. IT'S
JUST A LITTLE DREAM.

MY DREAM... I HOPE YOU
DON'T FIND THIS TOO CRAZY...

IS I'D LIKE THE PEOPLE
OF THIS COMMUNITY

TO FEEL THAT IF, GOD
FORBID, THERE WERE A FIRE,

CALLING THE FIRE DEPARTMENT

WOULD ACTUALLY BE A WISE THING.

YOU CAN'T HAVE PEOPLE
WITH THEIR HOUSES BURNING

SAY, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T
CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT."

THAT WOULD BE BAD.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

CLEAN IT UP. DON'T MAKE
ME HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.

NO PROBLEM, CHIEF.

HELLO.

HELLO?

UH, I'M LOCKED OUT OF MY HOUSE.

I CAN GET YOU BACK IN.

COME ON INSIDE.
I'LL GET SOME TOOLS.

I DON'T HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON.

YOU WANT A COAT OR ANYTHING?

NO. I REALLY LIKE STANDING
NAKED IN THIS BUSH

IN THE FREEZING COLD.

I'LL GET THE TOOLS.

THANKS.

WHAT IS IT?

SOMEBODY LOCKED
OUT OF THEIR HOUSE.

NEED ANY HELP, CHIEF?

LOOKS PRETTY BORING.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

NOBODY HAD A COAT?

YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT ONE.

I WAS BEING IRONIC.

OH, IRONY! WE
DON'T GET THAT HERE.

PEOPLE SKI TOPLESS
HERE WHILE SMOKING DOPE,

SO IRONY ISN'T A HIGH PRIORITY.

WE HAVEN'T HAD
ANY IRONY SINCE '83,

WHEN I WAS THE ONLY
PRACTITIONER OF IT,

AND I STOPPED BECAUSE I
WAS TIRED OF BEING STARED AT.

YOU SHOULDN'T LEAVE YOUR
LIGHTS ON WHEN YOU'RE LOCKED OUT.

YOU WASTE LOTS OF ELECTRICITY.

HIDE IN THAT BUSH, AND I
WON'T SEE YOUR NAKEDNESS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TATTOOS.
THAT'S A WISE CHOICE.

JACKIE ONASSIS WOULDN'T
HAVE GONE AS FAR

WITH AN ANCHOR ON HER ARM.

EVERY JOB HAS A PERFECT TOOL.

LET'S SEE...

THIS LOCK DOESN'T
ACCEPT MASTERCHARGE.

I'LL TRY OLD RELIABLE.

WHEN I SAY OLD RELIABLE,

I'M LYING,

BECAUSE I'VE NEVER
TRIED THIS BEFORE.

YOU MAY NOT WANT TO WATCH THIS.

OK.

[HUMMING]

CAREFUL.

GOD, I HATE HEIGHTS.

[CRASH]

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING? I'M FREEZING.

FOR GOD'S SAKE,
PUT SOMETHING ON.

THANKS.

HELLO!

THERE YOU GO. I'M
AVERTING MY EYES...

FINALLY.

MEOW!

LOOK WHAT YOU
GOT ME INTO, GROVER.

THANKS.

DO YOU WANT TO COME IN...

I, UH, SORT OF ALREADY DID.

I FIGURED YOU WERE STARVING,

SO I MADE SOME
CHEESE AND VEGETABLES,

AU NATUREL.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE SOME
WINE WITH YOUR NOSE.

[BANG]

CHEESE.

WINE WILL BE FINE.

DO YOU HAVE A STRAW?

NO, I DON'T, ACTUALLY. WHY?

NO PARTICULAR REASON.

CHEERS.

[INHALING]

PARTY TRICK.

A NOSE BY ANY OTHER NAME.

WOULD SMELL AS SWEET.

MY NAME'S C.D. BALES.
I'M THE FIRE CHIEF.

YOU CAN CALL ME CHARLIE.

MY NAME'S ROXANNE.

THANKS FOR HELPING ME BEFORE.

I KNOW THE LADY
WHO OWNS THIS HOUSE.

DIXIE? I LIKED HER.

GAVE ME A GOOD
DEAL FOR THE SUMMER.

THIS HOUSE HAS A
GREAT SPOT FOR THAT.

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

I DIDN'T.

IS IT THE MUMMY?

OH, IT'S A TELESCOPE.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT M-31.

YEAH.

I LIKE WHEN THEY GIVE
ASTRONOMICAL OBJECTS NAMES,

LIKE ANDROMEDA AND SATURN

AND SEA OF TRANQUILLITY.

THIS WHOLE NUMBERING
THING IS TOO BORING

FOR US CIVILIANS.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY
OBJECTS ARE UP THERE?

WELL, I KNOW IT'S, UH, OVER 50.

I THINK THEY'VE DONE PRETTY WELL

CONSIDERING HOW MANY THINGS

THEY HAVE TO NAME.

HOW ABOUT MUON?

GLUON?

QUARK?

YOU KNOW WHAT A QUARK IS?

I USED TO. I JUST FORGOT.

WELL, WE DON'T KNOW
EVERYTHING, DO WE?

SIT DOWN. I'LL SHOW YOU.

LET'S SEE.

HERE IT IS.

NO ONE'S ACTUALLY
EVER SEEN A QUARK,

BUT WE KNOW THEY EXIST.

THERE'S AT LEAST
SIX DIFFERENT TYPES.

THERE'S UP, DOWN,

STRANGE, CHARMED,

BOTTOM, AND TOP.

THAT'S THEIR FLAVOR.

THE TOP AND BOTTOM QUARKS

ARE THE MOST COMMON KINDS,

BUT ONLY AN UNUSUALLY
EXOTIC COLLISION

CAN PRODUCE THE STRANGE
AND CHARMED QUARKS.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, DON'T YOU THINK?

OH, YEAH.

THESE ARE ASTRONOMICAL
OBJECTS, THEN.

NO, SUBNUCLEAR PARTICLES.

OH.

I THOUGHT SO.

SO WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

I CAN'T TELL YOU.

WHY IS THAT?

I CAN'T. IT'S A SECRET.

I GOT A FEW SECRETS MYSELF,

SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT ONES, TOO.

ACTUALLY, I HAVE ONE LOUSY ONE.

ACTUALLY, I DON'T
HAVE ANY AT ALL.

IT'S JUST SO DEPRESSING.

DID YOU SAY YOUR
NAME WAS ROXANNE?

YEAH.

IT'S UNUSUAL.

IT'S PRETTY.

THERE'S A NAME FOR A GALAXY.

SORRY.

DIDN'T MEAN TO WAX RHAPSODIC.

I SHOULD GO.

I'VE GOT IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO.

OK. WELL, WISH ME LUCK.

ON?

JUST LUCK.

NAH, I DON'T BELIEVE IN LUCK.

WISH FOR... SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

GOOD-BYE.

SO LONG.

UH!

ARE YOU OK?

I'M FINE. BYE.

SO LONG.

BYE.

ROXANNE.

IT'S A PARTY TOWN,
MAESTRO. YOU'LL LOVE IT.

GAVANNA SAMANA?

WHAT?

WEREN'T YOU PLAYMATE
OF THE MONTH, JUNE '85?

NO.

I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED

YOUR INNER DIAMETER SLOPE.

WHAT'S THAT?

THE PART OF YOUR LEG

THAT CURVES INTO YOUR THIGH.

WORKS EVERY TIME, MAESTRO.

I'M CALLING YOU MAESTRO BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE WITH CHICKS.

LET'S GO. I'LL TAKE THE TOP ONE.

YOU READY?

OK.

RIGHT.

WHAT?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

TRAINING.

I WANT SOMETHING THAT
SAYS ACTION WITH STYLE,

KIND OF A GQ FIREFIGHTER.

THIS IS CHRIS, OUR NEW PRO.

A REAL FIREFIGHTER.

WELCOME ABOARD, CHRIS.

I'M MAYOR DEEBS. WE
EXPECTED YOU MONDAY.

I THOUGHT I'D COME EARLY.

HE'S A MANIAC WITH CHICKS, TOO.

DEAN, TRENT, MY
PERSONAL TAILOR, SAM.

I'LL SHOW YOU YOUR ROOM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
CUFFS OR NO CUFFS?

I THINK YOU BETTER
GET OFF THAT HOSE.

I'LL HAVE TROUBLE GETTING
MY TELESCOPE UP THOSE STAIRS.

I'LL HAVE C.D. DO IT

IF HE'S NOT READING
ENCYCLOPEDIAS.

HE READS ENCYCLOPEDIAS?

HE IS AN ENCYCLOPEDIA.

HE'S FUNNY.

HE'S MY GODBROTHER.

THIS UNIFORM WORKS.

THAT'S WHY I'M A VOLUNTEER.

I CAN TELL.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR
BOYFRIEND? WHAT'S HIS NAME?

RICHARD.

WHEN'S HE COMING?

HE'S NOT. HE'S NOT COMING.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE JUST RAN OUT OF GAS.

I GUESS I MISTOOK SEX FOR LOVE.

I DID THAT ONCE. IT WAS GREAT.

SANDY'S A VERY DEEP PERSON.

OH, MY GOD, WHO IS THAT?

SHE COULD CERTAINLY
MAKE MY NIGHT.

WHO IS SHE?

OH, GOD.

SANDY, COME HERE.

WHO'S THAT?

THAT'S ROXANNE.

SHE STUDIES ASTRONOMY
OR ASTROLOGY OR SOMETHING.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE?

LOOK.

SOMEONE IS CHECKING YOU OUT.

NOW, HE COULD CHEER YOU UP.

IF I WAS YOU, I'D DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

MAYBE.

MAYBE LATER.

MAYBE NOT.

YOU ARE PLAYING IT BEAUTIFULLY.

DO YOU MIND IF I GIVE IT A SHOT?

YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD.

THANKS, MAESTRO.

HI.

HI. HI.

I'D LIKE TO INVITE YOU
TO A NELSON TRADITION

OF HOT-TUBBING.

PARDON ME?

IT'S A TRADITION TO CONSUME WINE

AND ENJOY SOME
OUTDOOR HOT-TUBBING.

TRADITION.

WHEN THE SETTLERS
CAME HERE 100 YEARS AGO,

THEY STARTED HOT-TUBBING?

OH, YEAH.

YOU ARE FEISTY.
I LIKE THAT, I DO.

HIS EGO'S THE SIZE OF BRAZIL.

I HAVE TO STOP TALKING.

THAT'S OK. I'LL BE OVER THERE.

YOU JUST START
THINKING ABOUT IT,

AND IF YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND, COME ON OVER.

IF I DO CHANGE MY
MIND, YOU'LL KNOW

BECAUSE MY BREASTS
WILL BE HEAVING

AND MOIST WITH PERSPIRATION.

SO LONG, FOXY.

SO LONG.

HE ONLY GAVE US ENOUGH
MONEY FOR ONE DRINK.

BEING SINGLE IS LIKE THIS?

HE'S GOT A GREAT ASS.

TOO BAD IT'S ON HIS SHOULDERS.

HE'S CUTE.

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST CUTE.

I WANT SOMEONE
WITH HALF A BRAIN.

GOOD LUCK.

[VOMITING]

HE WENT UP BEFORE SCHOOL,

AND HE WON'T COME DOWN.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

THANKS.

DEAN, IT'S BALES, B-A-L-E-S.

RIGHT, BALES.

I KNOW THAT.

WELL, HE'S NOT
MOVING OR ANYTHING,

BUT HE DID IT ONCE BEFORE,

BUT HE'S NEVER
STAYED THERE THIS LONG.

IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT, HONEY.

C.D. WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.

HEY, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, PETER?

COME ON. WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THEY CALL ME PORKY AT SCHOOL.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DO THAT?

GOD DAMN IT.

I SHOULDN'T SAY
THAT IN FRONT OF YOU.

DID YOU TALK TO YOUR
MOTHER ABOUT IT?

ONCE I TRIED,

BUT SHE SAID I HAD TO
CLEAN UP MY PLATE FIRST.

NOW, SEE? THAT'S GOOD.

YOU'RE WAY BETTER

THAN THESE GUYS
THAT MAKE FUN OF YOU.

YOU'RE SMART, AND YOU'RE FUNNY.

YOU CAN MAKE THINGS UP.

I DIDN'T MAKE IT UP. IT'S TRUE.

OH.

BASTARDS!

I SHOULDN'T SAY
THAT IN FRONT OF YOU.

DO I HAVE TO GET DOWN NOW?

NO, NO.

LET'S JUST STAY UP
HERE FOR A WHILE.

THAT'S OUR NEW COMPUTER.

YEAH.

WE CAN PINPOINT
ANY FIRE IN TOWN.

I SEE.

IT'S PERFECT FOR US
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

WE'RE THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

THAT IS PERFECT.

HI. I'M ANDY.

GOOD TO MEET YOU.

I JUST WANTED TO WELCOME YOU.

THANKS.

SO, OK.

HEY, THERE IS ONE THING.

HAVE YOU MET THE CHIEF?

NO.

HE'S FUNNY-LOOKING,
SO I WOULDN'T MENTION IT.

I WOULDN'T.

I FIGURE YOU WOULDN'T,

BUT SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW,

THINGS KIND OF
ACCIDENTALLY SLIP OUT,

AND THEN, YOU KNOW...

KECKKK!

WATCH IT.

WHO DESIGNED THESE
STEPS, THE MARQUIS DE SADE?

WHY IS THIS THING SO
HEAVY? IT'S MOSTLY AIR.

AND GLASS, SO BE CAREFUL.

MY AUNT KNITTED ONE OF THESE.

IT WAS MUCH LIGHTER THAN THIS.

YOUR SECRET RELATES
TO THIS THING, RIGHT?

SORT OF, YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CHARLIE?

CHARLIE, I CAN'T
HOLD THIS BY MYSELF.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME.

CHARLIE.

OK, OK, I'LL TELL YOU.

ALL RIGHT. START TALKING.

HERE WE GO.

WAIT A SECOND.

I THINK I DISCOVERED A COMET.

YEAH?

YEAH.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL, YOU KNOW.

THERE'S LOTS OF COMETS,

BUT I WAS WORKING ON THIS PAPER,

ON THE OORT CLOUD.

THE OORT CLOUD, YEAH.

I DISCOVERED A
MATHEMATICAL IRREGULARITY.

I HAVEN'T CLIMBED
THIS MANY STEPS

SINCE I VISITED THE MAHARISHI.

LET'S GO. GO ON.

WELL, I THINK A
SERIES OF 10 COMETS...

WATCH IT AROUND THIS CORNER...

ARE ACTUALLY THE
FORERUNNER OF A BIG COMET

DUE BACK THIS SUMMER.

SO YOU'RE GOING TO
FIND IT WITH THIS THING.

NO, THIS IS TOO SMALL.

MY UNCLE'S USING THE
BIG SCOPE IN ARIZONA.

SO I'VE CARRIED
THIS FOR NOTHING.

NOT REALLY. PUT THAT
COUNTERBALANCE ON THAT ARM.

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU'RE RIGHT?

NOTHING. I GRADUATE,
THAT'S FOR SURE,

AND I GET TO NAME IT.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
SORT OF HISTORICAL.

YEAH.

COMET KOWALSKI.

KOWALSKI? WHY?

YOU CAN GIVE IT
A BEAUTIFUL NAME.

THAT'S MY NAME.

IT IS? ROXANNE KOWALSKI?

YEAH.

OH, SORRY.

WHEN DO YOU FIND
OUT ABOUT THIS THING?

JULY 14th, 2200 HOURS,
8 MINUTES, 31 SECONDS,

GIVE OR TAKE 10 DAYS.

THAT WOULD REALLY BE SOMETHING.

YEAH.

DON'T LOOK NOW, BUT
THE VIKING JUST CAME IN.

OH, GOD, IT'S HIM.

CHRIS, COME SHAKE HANDS WITH ME.

I'M THE MAYOR. YOU'LL
LOOK IMPORTANT.

HE SHOULD BE BRONZED.

EVERYONE SAYS YOU'RE
FAST AND BRILLIANT.

BRILLIANT...

WITH THE LADIES.

TAKE CARE.

IF YOU GET HURT, C.D.
WILL BE ON MY KIZITSKI.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR VICTORY.

[CRASH]

HIS OPPONENT PASSED AWAY

A WEEK BEFORE THE ELECTION...

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. GOD!

IT'S NOW OR NEVER.

DO IT, ROXANNE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO TELL.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

OK, WHEN HE COMES OUT,

I'LL INVITE HIM TO A NELSON
TRADITION OF HOT-TUBBING,

AND I'LL SET HIM
UP WITH SOME WINE,

AND I'LL "BABE" HIM A LOT.

I'M SHOCKED.

WE'RE ALL SHOCKED.

I'M NOT SHOCKED.

I NEED CONFIDENCE,
CONFIDENCE, CONFIDENCE.

A LITTLE WATER,

THEN YOU'RE TALKING TO HER.

OH, NO!

SHIT!

HI. REMEMBER ME?

I'M TRYING TO PUT IT BEHIND ME.

IS THIS YOUR SHOP?

YEAH, IT'S MY SHOP, ALL MINE.

IT'S PERFECT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S REALLY YOU.

I APPRECIATE THAT.

WHY DON'T YOU CHECK OUT

THE NEW FREEZE-DRIED ANIMALS?

THEY'RE INCREDIBLY LIFELIKE.

MAYBE NEXT TIME, HUH?

THERE YOU GO.

C.D.

IT CAME TO ME LAST
NIGHT IN A FLASH.

WHAT IS THAT?

THE GIMMICK, THE
NELSON PROMOTIONAL COW.

MOO!

WHOA, WE'RE
TALKING TO THE CHIEF.

YOU GIVE HER A NAME...
SUSIE, ESMERELDA, BOSSY.

YOU PUT HER PICTURE ON
OUR POSTERS DRINKING A BEER.

THESE THINGS WORK.

I THINK IT'S A FANTASTIC IDEA.

I LOVE IT. I THINK IT'S GREAT!

GREAT IDEA!

IT'S BRILLIANT!

WHAT AN IDEA!

I SAW IT HAPPEN.

HE TOOK THE IDEA

AND PUT IT IN HIS POCKET.

IT'S, DARE I SAY, GENIUS?

NO, NO, BUT MAYBE...

OOH.

MAYBE IT IS.

MAYBE I'M IN THE
PRESENCE OF GREATNESS.

YOU MEET C.D. YET?

THE CHIEF? NO, NOT YET.

THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD KNOW.

HE'S GOT A BIG NOSE, RIGHT?

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T STARE.

I WON'T STARE.

NONE OF US WOULD,

BUT YOU GET THERE AND
FEEL YOURSELF NOT STARING.

THEN YOU THINK, "IT'S
OBVIOUS I'M NOT STARING."

SO YOU LOOK.

THEN YOU THINK, "I'M STARING."

SO YOU SAY, "THIS
IS RIDICULOUS."

YOU TAKE A GOOD
LOOK, AND YOU THINK,

"I'M LOOKING AT A MAN WHO,
WHEN HE WASHES HIS FACE,

LOSES THE BAR OF SOAP."

THANKS, GUYS. OK.

DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU.

WHOOP!

DID YOU SEE THAT ON HIS FACE?

DO PEOPLE GO TO SUN VALLEY

BECAUSE THEY HAVE A
GREAT FIRE DEPARTMENT?

YOU'VE GOT TO USE PROMOTION.

THAT WAY THE TOWN GROWS,
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT GROWS.

YOU CAN'T RUN A FIRE DEPARTMENT

WITH THE SEVEN BANANA BROTHERS.

THIS TOWN COULD
BE ANOTHER ASPEN.

AFTER THIS
OKTOBERFEST PROMOTION,

WE'LL GET SOME
FUNDS BACK TO YOU.

LADIES, THE DRINKS ARE ON CHUCK.

LIKE IT? PURE BEAVER.

I DRINK, START TO RELAX,

THEN I START TO HAVE FUN.

IT'S NOT SOMETHING I
REALLY WANT TO START

AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

HEARD YOU'RE TOUGH.

I AM.

IF YOU USE TENDERIZER,

I MIGHT COOK UP PRETTY GOOD.

ASSHOLE.

HEY, WHERE YOU GOING, BIG NOSE?

PARDON ME?

YOU HEARD ME, BIG NOSE.

IS THAT IT?

YEAH.

YOU REALLY GOT ME ON
THAT ONE, DIDN'T YOU?

OH, WAIT A SECOND.

WHAT A WASTE OF AN OPPORTUNITY.

WHAT?

SOMEONE'S STANDING IN
FRONT OF YOU WITH THIS,

AND ALL YOU CAN
THINK UP IS "BIG NOSE."

I SUPPOSE YOU COULD
THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER?

YEAH, I THINK I COULD.

COME HERE.

WHATEVER NUMBER YOU
HIT, I'LL THINK UP THAT MANY.

20! SHIT!

2 OUT OF 3.

20.

DARTS CHAMPION, DENVER, 1987.

CHARLIE, YOU CAN DO IT.

ALL RIGHT, 20 SOMETHING BETTERS.

HERE GOES.

START WITH OBVIOUS.

IS THAT YOUR NOSE, OR DID
A BUS PARK ON YOUR FACE?

METEOROLOGICAL.

TAKE COVER! SHE'S GOING TO BLOW!

FASHIONABLE.

YOU COULD DE-EMPHASIZE YOUR NOSE

IF YOU WORE SOMETHING LARGER,

LIKE WYOMING.

PERSONAL.

HERE WE ARE, JUST
THE THREE OF US.

PUNCTUAL.

YOUR NOSE WAS ON TIME,
BUT YOU WERE 15 MINUTES LATE.

ENVIOUS.

I WISH I WERE YOU...

TO BE ABLE TO
SMELL YOUR OWN EAR!

NAUGHTY.

SOME OF THE LADIES HAVE ASKED

IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
PUTTING THAT THING AWAY.

PHILOSOPHICAL.

IT'S NOT THE SIZE OF A NOSE,

IT'S WHAT'S IN IT THAT MATTERS.

HUMOROUS.

LAUGH, AND THE WORLD
LAUGHS WITH YOU.

SNEEZE, AND IT'S
GOOD-BYE, SEATTLE.

COMMERCIAL.

HI. I'M EARL SCHEIB,

AND I CAN PAINT
THAT NOSE FOR $39.95.

POLITE.

WOULD YOU MIND NOT
BOBBING YOUR HEAD?

THE ORCHESTRA
KEEPS CHANGING TEMPO.

MELODIC. EVERYBODY.

♪ HE'S GOT THE WHOLE
WORLD IN HIS NOSE ♪♪

SYMPATHETIC.

AW, DID YOUR PARENTS
LOSE A BET WITH GOD?

COMPLIMENTARY.

YOU MUST LOVE THE LITTLE BIRDIES

TO GIVE THEM THIS TO PERCH ON.

SCIENTIFIC.

DOES THAT THING THERE
INFLUENCE THE TIDES?

OBSCURE.

I'D HATE TO SEE THE GRINDSTONE.

WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.

INQUIRY.

WHEN YOU STOP AND
SMELL THE FLOWERS,

ARE THEY AFRAID?

FRENCH.

THE PIGS HAVE REFUSED
TO FIND ANY MORE TRUFFLES

UNTIL YOU LEAVE.

PORNOGRAPHIC.

FINALLY, A MAN WHO CAN
SATISFY TWO WOMEN AT ONCE.

HOW MANY IS THAT?

14, CHIEF.

RELIGIOUS.

THE LORD GIVETH AND JUST
KEPT ON GIVING, DIDN'T HE?

DISGUSTING.

SAY, WHO MOWS YOUR NOSE HAIR?

16.16.

PARANOID.

KEEP THAT GUY AWAY
FROM MY COCAINE!

17.

AROMATIC.

IT MUST BE WONDERFUL
TO SMELL THE COFFEE

IN BRAZIL.

18.

APPRECIATIVE.

HOW ORIGINAL!

MOST PEOPLE JUST HAVE
THEIR TEETH CAPPED.

19.19.

ALL RIGHT.

ONE MORE.

YOU CAN DO IT, C.D.

ALL RIGHT.

DIRTY.

YOUR NAME WOULDN'T
BE DICK, WOULD IT?

YOU SMART-ASS SON OF A BITCH.

YOU FLAT-FACED,
FLAT-NOSED FLATHEAD.

HEY!

OW.

HAS HE FALLEN YET?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

HOW YOU DOING?

THAT COPY OF BEING
AND NOTHINGNESS...

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE? YES, IT DID.

I GOT IT RIGHT
HERE. IT'S PAID FOR.

THANKS A LOT.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

IT AIN'T NOTHIN', BRO.

"THEREFORE MY BODY IS A CONSCIOUS
STRUCTURE OF MY CONSCIOUSNESS."

YEAH. THANKS, CHRIS.

I WAS TOO EMBARRASSED
TO ASK FOR IT MYSELF.

A LITTLE LIGHT READING, HUH?

I GOT 9,000 FOR MY
HOUSE THIS SUMMER.

WHICH ONE OF THE FIVE?

THE ONE DOWN ON RUSH STREET.

THAT'S THE ONE ROXANNE'S IN.

YOU'RE SOAKING HER FOR $9,000.

I AM NOT!

YOU LIKE HER, DON'T YOU?

WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER OUT?

COULDN'T POSSIBLY FIT HER IN.

I'VE GOT A 3:00, A 5:00,

AND THE WOMEN ARE LINED UP,

MOSTLY BECAUSE OF THE OLD SAYING

ABOUT A MAN'S NOSE
RELATING TO THE SIZE OF HIS...

OF HIS WHAT?

YOU KNOW THE OLD
SAYING ABOUT A MAN'S NOSE?

YOU MEAN HOW THE
SIZE OF A MAN'S NOSE

RELATES TO THE SIZE OF HIS...

OH, MY GOD!

I LOVE DOING THAT TO THEM.

YOUR TEA, SIR.

THANK YOU.

AND PICKS.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER OUT?

SOMETIMES I WALK
AROUND THE TOWN AT NIGHT,

AND I SEE COUPLES WALKING
ALONG HOLDING HANDS.

I LOOK AT THEM AND I THINK,

"HEY, WHY NOT ME?"

THEN I CATCH MY
SHADOW ON THE WALL.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GET THAT NOSE JOB?

I DID.

CHARLIE!

RHINOPLASTY... THE
WORD'S SO UNPLEASANT.

IT RANKS RIGHT UP
THERE WITH HEMORRHOID.

THOSE ARE TWO WORDS YOU REALLY
DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN.

WHAT ABOUT A LITTLE COSMETICS...

YOU KNOW, SOME SHADING,

ALONG THE SIDES
AND DOWN THE SLOPE,

A LITTLE BIT ON THE END?

I CAN'T WEAR MAKEUP.

YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED
LAST NIGHT. AND YOU WERE GREAT.

I WAS OK.

WE WERE IMPRESSED.

ROXANNE WENT ON
AND ON ABOUT YOU.

I THINK SHE'S FALLEN IN LOVE,

BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET.

SEE YA.

SEE YA.

WHAT DID SHE MEAN, SHE
THINKS SHE'S FALLEN IN LOVE?

IT HAS BEEN KNOWN TO HAPPEN.

OOH, HEY!

THE WHOLE THING? OH, MY GOD!

C.D., THIS IS CHRIS McCONNELL.

IT'S A REAL PLEASURE
MEETING YOU.

SORRY WE'VE BEEN
MISSING EACH OTHER.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I KNOW YOU'VE MET THE GUYS.

HOW'S YOUR ROOM?

[TICK]

[TOCK]

[TICK]

IT'S HYPNOTIC, ISN'T IT?

IT'S HUGE.

IT'S ENORMOUS.

IT'S GIGANTIC.

THEY SAID IT WAS BIG,

BUT I DIDN'T
EXPECT IT TO BE BIG!

WANT TO SHOOT SOME POOL?

COME ON. RACK 'EM UP.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO KILL ME?

THE GUYS SAID THAT...

ORDINARILY, YEAH, BUT NOT TODAY.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE YESTERDAY SHE DIDN'T,

BUT TODAY SHE DOES.

OH. MMM.

WOO!

FINALLY GOT A SENSE OF
HUMOR ABOUT YOUR NOSE?

RACK 'EM UP.

TURN ON THE HOSE.

THE SECRET TO MOVING
A HOSE IS THE RHYTHM.

[PLAYING BLUE DANUBE WALTZ]

TO THE LEFT. 1 AND 2 AND 3.

TO THE RIGHT. 1 AND 2 AND 3.

NOW FORWARD. 1 AND 2 AND 3.

NOW BACK. 1 AND 2 AND 3.

I CAN'T STAND IT!

HE'S DANCING, AND
WE'RE FIGHTING...

GO!

LET'S SHOW THE CHIEF.

COME ON. LET'S GO, GUYS.

TURN IT OFF! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GO!

LET'S GO! COME ON! COME ON!

SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF!

LEAN INTO IT.

YOU GOT TO TRUST IT.

REMEMBER, WATER IS YOUR FRIEND.

NOW.

WHAT'S OUR SIGNAL
FOR CHARGING THE HOSE?

LIKE BIG BIRD, THAT'S RIGHT.

BIG BIRD, JUST LIKE
ON SESAME STREET.

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

HIT IT!

AAH!

GEEZ!

ROXANNE, HI. IT'S ME. CHUCK.

HI.

NOT AGAIN.

THERE HE IS.

BACK UP SOME.

OK.

FLIRTING WITH SOPHIE AGAIN.

HEY, CHARLIE, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

WELL...

ALL RIGHT.

HI, CHARLIE.

SEE YOU LATER.

I GOT IT.

OK, WAS I RIGHT?

YEP, IT'S UGLY.

IT REALLY IS.

WELL...

WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY
IS A LITTLE FORWARD.

GOOD.

THERE'S SOMEONE I THINK I
SHOULD GET TO KNOW BETTER,

SOMEONE WHO I
THINK LIKES ME, TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I THINK HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME.

I CAN SEE HIM
TRYING, BUT HE WON'T.

I LIKE HIM FOR THAT.

MAYBE THIS GUY NEEDS
YOU TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

THAT'S WHY I'M TALKING TO YOU.

SO, WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY?

I KNOW HE'S INTERESTING.

HMM.

DIFFERENT.

INTELLIGENT.

HANDSOME.

HE'S WHAT?

HE'S HANDSOME.

ISN'T IT AMAZING IF YOU
HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE,

HOW YOU CAN START TO
SEE THEM AS HANDSOME?

EVERYONE THINKS HE IS.

NO, NO, NO. NOT
EVERYONE, BELIEVE ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

NOTHING.

IT'S GREAT THAT HE'S
ALL THESE THINGS.

YEAH, WELL...

I'VE ONLY SEEN HIM A FEW TIMES.

WE'VE NEVER EVEN SPOKEN.

WE JUST EXCHANGED
SOME GOOFY LOOKS.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

HE WORKS FOR YOU.

HIS NAME'S CHRIS McCONNELL.

OH, YEAH.

WHAT'S HE LIKE?
NO, DON'T TELL ME.

SINCE YOU'RE GOING
TO BE WORKING WITH HIM,

MAYBE YOU COULD
ENCOURAGE HIM A LITTLE.

HE MAY NOT SAY
ANYTHING ALL SUMMER,

AND THEN I'LL BE GONE.

IF IT COMES UP.

C.D., THANKS.

I KNOW I'M FORWARD.

YOU WERE GREAT THE OTHER NIGHT.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME

I'VE SEEN ANYONE
ACTUALLY BE BRAVE.

I'VE BEEN A LOT
BRAVER SINCE THEN.

I WANT YOU TO DO IT, DAVE.

CUT THE THING OFF!

I'M TIRED OF HAVING
A MAGNIFICENT NOSE.

I WANT A BUTTON NOSE.

GIVE ME THE AMERICAN BEAUTY.

C.D., YOU KNOW I CAN'T.

OH, YES, YOU CAN. CUT ME, DAVE.

I CAN'T.

ALLERGIES TO ANAESTHETICS
ARE VERY DANGEROUS.

YOU KNOW THAT.

YOU'VE BEEN IN COMAS BEFORE.

DO IT THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

DON'T BE STUPID.

I WANT TO LOOK LIKE DIANA ROSS.

WHAT YOU WANT IS PSYCHOTHERAPY.

I CAN HEAR IT NOW.

"GET USED TO IT. $85, PLEASE."

LOOK, C.D., HAVE
YOU EVER THOUGHT

THAT YOU WERE BORN WITH
THIS NOSE FOR A REASON?

OH, YEAH. LIKE
OPENING COKE BOTTLES.

OH, SHIT.

COULD I LOOK AT THOSE
NOSE CARDS ONE MORE TIME?

YEAH, SURE.

THANKS, DAVE.

OH, YEAH, YEAH!

MMM, NO, NO, NO.

WHERE'S THAT ONE?

[AS CARY GRANT]
OH, HELLO, DARLING.

HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE.

I SAW HER IN THAT BAR,

AND SHE'S SO PRETTY.

SHE'S INTERESTING, TOO.

DID YOU SEE HER LEGS?

SHE'S GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR.

SHE WANTS TO MEET ME?

I HEARD SHE'S KIND OF SMART...

ASTROLOGY OR SOMETHING.

ASTRONOMY, YEAH.

YEAH, RIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO MEET! REALLY?

SO WHAT DO I DO?

WHAT DO I DO?

HOW DO I MEET HER?

WALK UP TO HER AND SAY HELLO.

I'D HAVE TO TALK TO HER THEN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

AROUND YOU GUYS, I CAN RELAX.

I CAN BE MYSELF.

I GET AROUND WOMEN, I GET...

IT'S NOT THAT I
DON'T LIKE WOMEN.

I LIKE WOMEN, OK?

I JUST GET A LITTLE NERVOUS.

GET HER TELEPHONE
NUMBER AND CALL HER.

PASS.

I'D HAVE TO TALK TO
HER THEN FOR SURE.

I WANTED TO TALK TO HER
THE OTHER NIGHT REAL BAD,

BUT THAT'S HOW I WOULD
HAVE TALKED... BAD.

I SEE.

EVERY TIME YOU MEET A WOMAN
WITH CHARM, STYLE, AND LEGS,

YOU'RE GOING TO RUN AWAY.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

IN FACT, THAT'S BRILLIANT.

LOB OVER THE NET.

MY BACKHAND'S AS GOOD AS YOURS.

TOUGH GAME, EH, LADIES?

WE'RE JUST ON OUR WAY THERE.

CHRIS, YOU KNOW
WHAT CARPE DIEM IS?

SOME KIND OF FISH? FISH BAIT?

IT'S LATIN FOR "SEIZE THE DAY."

THERE MAY NOT BE A
TOMORROW, SO DO IT NOW.

SEEK LIFE NOW,
WHILE YOU'RE YOUNG.

YOU'RE TELLING ME TO
GO AFTER ROXANNE, HUH?

NO. I WOULDN'T. I'D WAIT.

MAIL HER A LETTER.

LIGHT IT. LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO.

AH.

CHIEF! C.D, COME HERE!

I GOT IT! COME HERE!

YEAH! WOO!

[IMITATES SIREN]

YOU GOT IT, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT?

HOW TO TALK TO ROXANNE.

WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?

SHE'S NO ROCKET SCIENTIST.

ACTUALLY, SHE IS A
ROCKET SCIENTIST.

OF ALL THE GUYS
HERE, SHE LIKES ME.

WHAT AM I AFRAID OF? NOTHING!

I'LL DO WHAT YOU SAID.

I'M GOING TO WRITE HER A LETTER.

I GOT A WAY WITH WORDS.

THIS WAY I CAN PLAN
OUT WHAT TO SAY.

I CAN CRAFT IT.

IN A LETTER, I CAN BE
EFFER-GOD-DAMN-VESCENT.

CHIEF, WE CAN'T GET IT STARTED.

I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

OK.

ANDY, YOUR COAT'S ON FIRE.

OH, YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

AAH!

GET HIS COAT OFF!

I GOT IT!

NOT THE GASOLINE!

HI, C.D.

HI, CINDY.

CAN I HELP YOU?

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO WAS
LOOKING FOR A COSMETIC

THAT'S SORT OF A SHADING TYPE.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

WE HAVE LOTS OF
BLUSHES AND THINGS.

WHAT SPECIFICALLY IS IT FOR?

SHE HAS THIS FEATURE
THAT SHE WOULD LIKE TO...

YOU KNOW, DE-EMPHASIZE.

SHE'S GOT THIS
EXTRA-LARGE FEATURE?

SHE WANTS IT TO LOOK SMALLER?

EXACTLY.

A DARK CONTOUR WILL BE FINE.

GREAT. GREAT.

HOW WOULD SHE GO ABOUT,

YOU KNOW, APPLYING THIS THING?

WELL, SHE WOULD... SHE WOULD
JUST SHADE THE AREA OF THE FEATURE

TO MAKE IT APPEAR

THERE WERE MORE
SHADOWS, LESS ACTUAL...

LESS ACTUAL
ACREAGE... I MEAN, AREA.

I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL TAKE IT.

OK, I'LL GET A FRESH
ONE FROM THE BACK.

THANKS.

HI, CHARLIE.

HI.

HI.

I TALKED TO CHRIS FOR YOU.

GREAT.

DO YOU THINK HE'S
GOING TO CALL ME?

HE WANTS TO WRITE YOU A LETTER.

A LETTER?

ISN'T THAT USUALLY WHAT YOU GET

AT THE END OF A RELATIONSHIP?

ACTUALLY, IT'S REALLY ROMANTIC
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

I'LL EXPLAIN IT OUTSIDE.

C.D., HERE'S YOUR BLUSH.

COULD YOU GIFT WRAP THAT?

OK.

AND THESE ITEMS
I'VE DECIDED AGAINST.

OK.

GOT A GIRLFRIEND?

NO. IT'S FOR MY SISTER.

YOU HAVE A SISTER?

NO.

IT'S FOR MY SISTER'S GIRLFRIEND.

UH...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

OH, HI, CHRIS.

NO, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.

I WAS JUST, UH... JUST
MAKING SOME EGGS.

YEAH, SURE. COME ON OVER.

OK, BYE.

I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD READ
THE LETTER BEFORE IT'S SENT.

OK. ONE SECOND.

PERFECT.

IT'S QUITE AN OPERATION
YOU HAVE HERE.

WHY, THANK YOU.

OK, OK, OK.

LET'S LOOK AT THAT LETTER.

I THINK IT'S REALLY GOOD.

"DEAR ROXANNE, HOW'S IT GOING?

"WANT TO HAVE A DRINK SOMETIME?

IF YOU DO, CHECK THIS BOX."

WELL?

HOW LONG DID YOU WORK ON THIS?

WELL, TODAY, SINCE NOON.

NOON.

CHRIS, THAT'S A VERY LONG TIME.

YOU CAN'T SEND HER THIS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT'S GOT TO BE MORE INTERESTING.

I WORKED HARD ON THAT.

TAKE A PEN. SIT DOWN.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HER?

HOW DID YOU FEEL
WHEN YOU FIRST SAW HER?

HORNY.

OK, OK. BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.

YOU HAVE TO CHANGE IT A LITTLE.

YOU HAVE TO SAY, "I FELT MOVED,

ALIVE, ON FIRE."

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU SPOKE?

LIKE A DICKHEAD.

YOU CAN'T WRITE THAT.

YOU HAVE TO SAY,
"I FELT LIKE A CHILD

"STANDING IN THE SUN
FOR THE FIRST TIME,

FEELING ONLY YOUR RADIANCE."

RADIANCE. I LIKE THAT.

I'M GOING TO UNDERLINE THAT.

WHAT DID YOU DO
AFTER YOU SAW HER?

I PUKED.

"AFTER SEEING YOU, MY
ONLY NOURISHMENT WAS YOU."

C.D., YOU WRITE THE LETTER.

YOU'RE DOING GOOD.

YOU KNOW HOW TO SAY WHAT I FEEL.

YOU WRITE IT, AND I'LL SIGN IT.

NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S DANGEROUS. THAT'S LYING.

NOT IF YOU WRITE WHAT I FEEL.

I'LL JUST SIGN MY NAME,

AND YOU WRITE TO ROXANNE

WHAT YOU IMAGINE I'M FEELING.

WHAT I WOULD IMAGINE
YOU'RE FEELING.

IT'S PRACTICALLY
HALF-WRITTEN ALREADY.

THAT'S JUST POETIC BALONEY.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

FOR ROXANNE, YOU NEED
SOMETHING STARTLING,

SOMETHING SO STRANGE
THAT IT WOULD MAKE HER

INCAPABLE OF BEING REASONABLE.

IT WOULD BE AN
INTERESTING CHALLENGE.

YOU NEED A GOOD PEN.

GET YOUR FAVORITE PEN.

THESE ARE GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

AND SOME GOOD PAPER.

OH, THE FOOD.

I'M TAKING CARE OF THAT.

YOU JUST TAKE YOUR TIME.

[SIREN]

COME ON, BOYS.

LINE UP.

COME ON.

I'M HERE.

6 1/2 MINUTES. THAT'S NOT BAD.

RIGHT.

LET'S GET INTO OUR GEAR.

COME ON, GUYS.

FAST!

LET'S GO, BOYS.

IT'S OPERATION
SNOWBALL! LET'S GO!

SNOWBALL!

SNOWBALL!

TAKE THE TRUCK!

COME HERE!

COME ON, SNOWBALL.

SNOWBALL!

MEOW

GIVE ME A HAND!

WHY DOESN'T SOMEBODY
DO SOMETHING?

OVER HERE, JOHN!

[DOG BARKS]

PULL! PULL! PULL! PULL!

OH, GOD.

RALSTON!

MEOW

WHY DOESN'T HE TELL
THEM WHAT TO DO?

OH.

OH.

[MAKES KISSING SOUND]

SNOWBALL.

MEOW

OH!

HA HA HA HA!

HE'S COMING!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

OH!

[FIRE ENGINE BELL RINGS]

C.D. HI, C.D.

HOW YOU DOIN' THERE, CHIEF?

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.

BOYS? BOYS, THE LADDER'S UP.

BOYS? BOYS! WAIT, BOYS!

THE LADDER'S UP!
THE LADDER... IS UP!

BOYS! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

[CREAK]

LET ME SHOW YOU A DOUBLE BINARY.

FOCUS WITH THAT THING THERE.

YOU'LL SEE IT, YOU'LL SEE IT.

I'M ON A SCHEDULE.

HEY, ROXANNE,
WHAT'S A LIGHT-YEAR?

[CHARLIE] SAME AS A REGULAR
YEAR, BUT WITH LESS CALORIES.

HA HA HA.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S TWO PAIRS OF STARS

REVOLVING AROUND EACH OTHER,

BUT THEY'RE SO FAR
AWAY, THEY LOOK LIKE ONE.

WHAT KEEPS THEM TOGETHER?

MUTUAL ATTRACTION.

OH, THAT'S FAIRLY ROMANTIC.

YEAH.

STRANGE ATTRACTORS IN MY WINDOW

OF POSSIBLE MOVEMENT.

SAY AGAIN.

PASSIONATE KISSES
I HOPE YOU'LL READ

WITH YOUR LIPS.

ROXANNE.

SORRY.

JUST SOMETHING
FROM A LETTER I GOT.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH. AN AMAZING LETTER.

AH-CHOO!

YOU LIKED IT?

NO, I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

I LOVED IT.

WHOSE LETTER?

CHRIS.

HE CAN WRITE?

I'M MELTING.

LET ME SHOW YOU
THAT DUMBBELL NEBULA.

THERE'S SOMETHING I DON'T GET.

HERE'S A GUY WHO
DODGES ME FOR DAYS,

SO I FIGURE HE'S NOT INTERESTED,

BUT C.D. TELLS ME

HE WANTS TO WRITE ME A LETTER,

AND I FIGURE IT'S
GOING TO BE ABOUT

WHY HE WON'T TALK TO ME,

BUT IT'S NOT.

IT WAS STRANGE
AND INTELLIGENT...

AND SEXUAL.

[HARMPH]

WHY IS HE WRITING YOU?

HE ONLY LIVES A
BLOCK AND A HALF AWAY.

CHARLIE?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,

ASK HIM OUT FOR YOU?

SHE WANTS A DATE?

HA HA HA!

C.D., IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!

HEY, HEY, COME ON! HEY!

WHOO! WHOO!

[COUGHS]

HEY, HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

SHE WANTS TO SEE ME TONIGHT?

I CAN'T SEE HER TONIGHT.

I'M DYING ALREADY.
IT'S ONLY 3:00.

HEY, JUST RELAX.

YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

IF I TALK TO HER, I'LL DIE.

I'LL GIVE YOU
SOMETHING TO MEMORIZE,

AND YOU JUST SAY IT.

NO, I CAN'T MEMORIZE.

OF COURSE YOU CAN MEMORIZE.

SAY THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE.

YOU MEMORIZED THAT, DIDN'T YOU?

I GOT YOUR HAND.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE
TO THE... FLAG OF...

WHICH COUNTRY? I
DON'T KNOW. I'M NERVOUS.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL THINK
OF SOMETHING NOW.

OH, BOY.

HI.

HI.

NO LETTER THIS TIME,
JUST FACE TO FACE.

YEAH.

WANT TO SIT OUTSIDE?

DO I WANT TO SIT OUTSIDE?

YES.

HERE?

UH... HERE ON THE PORCH?

YES, YES.

GREAT.

WE COULD SIT RIGHT HERE.

GREAT.

IT'S A LOVELY EVENING.

OH, YES.

IT IS AN EXQUISITE EVENING...

FILLED... WITH...
MYSTERIOUS PORTENTS,

MAGIC, AND... ROMANCE.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT HAT?

UH... WHY? UH... WHY? BECAUSE...

DON'T PANIC. STAY CALM, UH...

UH... UM...

BECAUSE TONIGHT,

I AM A HUNTER.

BECAUSE TONIGHT, I AM A HUNTER

HUNTING FOR WORDS.

THAT'S GOOD.

AM I YOUR PREY?

YES, BUT NOT A DEFENSELESS ONE.

OH, YES,

BUT NOT A DEFENSELESS ONE,

NOT A RABBIT.

YOU ARE... THE LIONESS.

ALERT AND SENSITIVE...

ALERT AND SENSITIVE

TO EVERY MISSTEP.

I SEE.

GET READY TO MOVE CLOSER.

THEREFORE, I MUST MOVE SILENTLY,

UH, MOVING IN TOWARDS YOU.

REACH OUT YOUR HAND.

MY HAND OUTREACHING TO...

CAR 3, CAR 3,
PROCEED TO THE 279.

WHAT?

DO YOU CONFIRM?
CAR 3, DO YOU CONFIRM?

CONFIRM WHAT?

CONFIRM, UH...

UH... CONFIRM MY FEELINGS,
CONFIRM MY FEELINGS.

CONFIRM MY FEELINGS.

YES.

BECAUSE THERE IS A HEART HERE

THAT WANTS YOURS TO KNOW...

THAT THERE'S A
POSSIBLE 502 ON MAIN.

WHAT?

CAR 3, PROCEED TO MAIN.

[FEEDBACK]

OH!

OOH!

WHOO.

[STATIC]

YOU'RE NOT A HUNTER ANYMORE?

UH... NOT A HUNTER?

NO, UH...

UH, I MEAN, UH... YEAH, UH...

IT'S, UH...

IT'S REALLY NICE
OUT, ISN'T IT? UH...

IT'S REALLY, UH,
REALLY, REALLY...

WHAT'S THE WORD
I'M LOOKING FOR? UH...

NICE. NICE OUT.

YEAH, NICE, THAT'S IT.

SO NOW YOU'RE THE WEATHERMAN?

HA HA HA.

I LOVED YOUR LETTER.
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO WRITE LIKE THAT?

UH... THE USUAL PLACES.

IT SEEMED VERY EXTEMPORANEOUS.

UH...

THANK YOU.

SAY SOMETHING,

SOMETHING WONDERFUL,
LIKE IN YOUR LETTER.

UH, WELL, LET'S SEE, UH...

I KNOW. YOU CAN TELL
ME ABOUT THE NIGHT.

UH... THE NIGHT...

IS VERY, UH... EXTEMPORANEOUS.

WHAT?

THIS IS WILD.

YEAH. THE NIGHT IS WILD,

LIKE LOVE CAN BE WILD.

LOVE IS WILD, WILD
AND EXTEMPORANEOUS.

YES.

SAY SOMETHING ROMANTIC.

UH...

WHY DO BIRDS SUDDENLY APPEAR

EVERY TIME YOU ARE NEAR?

ISN'T THAT FROM A SONG?

WELL, THEY MADE IT INTO A SONG.

AND YOU WROTE THE SONG?

NO,

BUT I LIKE THAT SONG. I LIKE IT.

WELL, USE YOUR OWN WORDS.

UH...

YOU...

YOU HAVE...

A GREAT BODY.

YOUR KNOCKERS...

NO, NOT YOUR
KNOCKERS, YOUR BREASTS,

YOUR BREASTS ARE LIKE... MELONS.

NOT MELONS, LIKE, UH, PILLOWS.

COULD I FLUFF YOUR PILLOWS?

UH, MAYBE?

I HAVE TO GO IN.

WAIT. JUNE '85.

WHAT?

WEREN'T YOU PLAYMATE
OF THE MONTH, JUNE '85?

UH.

SHIT!

OH.

"CAN I FLUFF YOUR PILLOWS?"

I GOT FLUSTERED. I PANICKED.

YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

SHE WANTED ME. IT WAS WORKING.

I DON'T THINK I
COULD AFTER THAT.

SHE WANTS SOMEBODY
THAT LOOKS LIKE ME

AND TALKS LIKE YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

FORGET IT.

NO, HEY, HEY! COME HERE!

DON'T MAKE ME DO IT.

YOU STAND UNDER THE WINDOW.

I'LL BE OUT OF SIGHT.

I'LL WHISPER TO YOU WHAT TO SAY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT IF SHE HEARS YOU?

JUST CALL, CALL.

ROXANNE!

NO, NO, NO. HERE, USE THIS.

[CRASH!]

GO EASY FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

GOD DAMN IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M SORRY! HOLD ON!

ROXANNE, YOU GOT TO LISTEN...

GO AWAY!

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU...

WHAT, THAT I'M REALLY BUILT?

NO, NOTHING LIKE...

OH!

SAY YOU WERE AN IDIOT.

I WAS AN IDIOT, ROXANNE.

YOU BET.

ROXANNE, WAIT!

WAIT! STOP! I...

C.D., HELP ME.

I WANT TO SAY THAT
I WAS... AN IDIOT.

I WAS REALLY...

HAPPY?

DIZZY.

OH, THIRSTY, THIRSTY.

AH, THIS IS STUPID.

STUPID, STUPID!

YEAH, I WAS STUPID AND...

UH, AND I WAS ALSO...

TRIPPING? TRIPPING?

BUMBLING.

AH.

I WAS A STUPID, BUMBLING, UH...

POINTER.

POINTER?

NO, NO! UH... STUPID...

STUPID ASS.

YEAH.

WHY'D YOU SAY THOSE THINGS?

WHY'D I SAY THOSE THINGS?

TELL HER YOU WERE AFRAID.

BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID.

OF ME? WHAT DO YOU
MEAN? AFRAID OF WHAT?

SAY YOU WERE AFRAID OF WORDS.

WHAT?

WORDS.

BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF
WORMS, ROXANNE, WORMS!

WORMS?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

COME HERE!

WORMS? WORMS? DID I SAY WORMS?

I MEANT WORDS, ROXANNE.

GIVE ME YOUR COAT.

WORDS, WORDS,
THEY'RE ALL USED UP.

THEY'RE HARD TO SAY.

GIVE IT TO ME.

THEY'VE ALL BEEN WASTED

ON THE SHAMPOO COMMERCIALS
AND THE FLAVORINGS.

ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL WORDS.

I MEAN,

HOW CAN YOU LOVE A FLOOR WAX?

HOW CAN I USE THE
SAME WORD ABOUT YOU

SOMEONE ELSE USES
ABOUT A STUFFING?

I LOVE YOU, AND I
CAN'T USE THE WORD.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

IT'S BECAUSE MY
WORDS HAVE TO RISE UP

AND THEY'RE HAVING
TROUBLE FINDING YOU.

YOU'RE NOT HAVING
TROUBLE HEARING ME.

WELL, YOUR VOICE FLOATS DOWN,

BUT BE CAREFUL...

ONE HARD WORD FROM YOU KILLS ME.

GIVE ME YOUR HAT.

OH, SHIT!

YOUR VOICE SOUNDS DIFFERENT.

UH... UH...

OF COURSE IT'S DIFFERENT.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE
CAREFUL ANYMORE.

I'M, UH... I'M PROTECTED
BY THE NIGHT.

I CAN BE MYSELF, ROXANNE.

YOUR NAME IS LIKE A KNIFE.

SHIT.

STAND WHERE I CAN SEE YOU.

NO!

WHY?

UH... MY VOICE, ONLY MY VOICE.

YOU DON'T NEED TO
SEE ME. JUST LISTEN.

I ONLY HAVE A MINUTE
HERE TO TALK TO YOU.

DID WHAT I WROTE
TO YOU TOUCH YOU?

IT DID.

IT WAS ELOQUENT.

OH, NO, NOT ELOQUENT,

JUST HONEST.

SEE...

I AM IN ORBIT AROUND YOU.

I'M SUSPENDED
WEIGHTLESS OVER YOU,

LIKE THE BLUE MAN
IN THE CHAGALL,

JUST HOVERING,

HANGING OVER YOU
IN A DELIRIOUS KISS.

YESTERDAY, ON THE STREET,

I SWORE I HEARD YOUR NAME.

I SWORE I HEARD SOMEONE SAY IT,

AND I TURNED,

AND THERE WAS NOBODY THERE,

JUST FIVE BIRDS
RISING OFF THE GROUND.

WHEN THEIR WINGS HIT THE AIR,

I HEARD YOUR NAME AGAIN,

AND JUST FOR THAT
SECOND, I WAS ONE OF THEM,

POUNDING OUT YOUR
NAME... ROXANNE.

ROXANNE...

A WORD OF TWO SYLLABLES
LOCKED INSIDE MY HEAD.

YOU SEE...

I AM, AND I WILL ALWAYS BE...

THE ONE WHO LOVED
YOU WITHOUT LIMITS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S TOO MUCH.

GO ON.

IT'S WORKING. GO ON.

THIS IS MY WHOLE LIFE RIGHT NOW,

STANDING HERE,

TALKING TO YOU LIKE THIS,

SAYING THINGS I'VE WANTED TO SAY

BUT COULDN'T.

WHY COULDN'T YOU TALK TO ME?

I WAS AFRAID OF
HAVING YOU LAUGH AT ME.

THAT'S SO SILLY.

NO, NOT IF YOU KNEW.

WHEN YOU'RE REACHING FOR A STAR,

THERE'S A LONG WAY TO FALL.

I ALMOST NEVER LET
THIS MOMENT HAPPEN,

AND NOW I FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE

FOR WHOM IT NEVER COMES.

I LOVE YOU.

I HAVE BREATHED YOU IN,

AND I AM SUFFOCATING.

I AM CRAZY.

I CAN'T GO ON.

THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH.

I'M STARTING TO
FEEL A LITTLE DIZZY.

AND I'M STARTING TO
FEEL A LITTLE DRUNK

BECAUSE I HAVE MADE
YOU TREMBLE UP THERE.

YOU ARE TREMBLING, AREN'T YOU?

LIKE A LEAF ON A TREE.

I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

SHUT UP, CHRIS!

WHAT?

I... I WAS TELLING
MYSELF TO SHUT UP

BECAUSE THIS TIME
I'VE GONE TOO FAR.

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN
YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

SHE WANTS US.

LOOKIT, C.D., IT'S OK.

SOONER OR LATER. YOU CAN DO IT.

COME ON, COME ON.

COME ON, C.D., DO IT, DO IT.

ROXANNE,

DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW YOU.

DON'T THINK I HAVEN'T
FELT YOU BENEATH ME,

AND I KNOW YOU'VE
IMAGINED IT, HAVEN'T YOU,

LYING BACK INTO
YOUR BED WITH ME?

I HAVE.

THERE WILL NEVER BE
ANOTHER TONIGHT, ROXANNE.

WHY SHOULD WE SIP FROM A TEACUP

WHEN WE CAN DRINK
FROM THE RIVER?

THERE'S A TINY WORD.

IT'S NOT A NOUN.
IT'S NOT A VERB.

IT'S NOT AN ADJECTIVE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,

BUT IF YOU SAID
IT TO ME TONIGHT,

ALL THIS BLACKNESS
WOULD GO AWAY,

AND YOU AND I WOULD BE CONNECTED

BY A TUNNEL OF LIGHT.

WHAT IS THE WORD, CHRIS?

YES.

YES, ROXANNE.

YES.

YES.

YES, CHRIS.

YES.

GREAT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT.

C.D.!

C.D., WE WERE GREAT.

I THINK I'M IN LOVE.

OH, GOD, I DID IT.

OH, SHIT, I DID IT!

OH, GOD.

I TELL YOU.

IT'S TWO MINUTES TO DALLAS.

OH!

OH, C.D.!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

WHERE AM I?

YOU'RE IN NELSON.

NELSON? WHY, I'M HOME.

THEY BROUGHT ME HOME.

BYE.

WHAT DAY IS IT?

FRIDAY. DALLAS IS ON.

THEN IT TOOK NO TIME.

IT DIDN'T EXIST IN TIME.

WHAT?

I WAS WALKING ALONG.

A SPACECRAFT
LANDED IN FRONT OF ME.

DID IT HAVE LIGHTS ON IT?

LIGHTS? YOU NEVER
SAW SO MANY LIGHTS.

IT WAS LIKE BROADWAY.

A CREATURE CAME OUT,
HAD SUCKERS ON HIS PALMS.

HE WALKED LIKE THIS.

[PUCGH PUCGH PUCGH]

HE PUT HIS PALMS
RIGHT ON MY FACE,

TOOK ME OVER TO ROXANNE'S HOUSE.

THEY WANTED TO OBSERVE ME.

AT ROXANNE'S HOUSE?

THIS IS BULLSHIT.
WE'LL MISS DALLAS.

COME ON, GIRLS, LET'S GO.

[PUCGH PUCGH PUCGH]

YOU THINK I'M NUTS, RIGHT?

NO, NO.

THEY WANTED TO ASK
ME ABOUT OLDER WOMEN.

THEY WANTED TO
HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

THEY WANTED TO START
A COLONY OF SUPERMEN

WHO WOULD HAVE
SEX WITH OLDER WOMEN

BECAUSE, AND I QUOTE,

"THEY REALLY KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE DOING."

WE DO.

DO YOU BELIEVE THERE
ARE CREATURES FROM SPACE

WHO WANT SEX WITH OLDER WOMEN?

LET'S GO CHECK IT OUT.

OH, DEAR!

[PUCGH PUCGH PUCGH]

ROXANNE!

ROXANNE, LET US IN!

TESTING.

HELLO.

UH, HELLO.

TESTING, TESTING.

GOD, I WAS NERVOUS LAST NIGHT.

UNCOMFORTABLE, I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, THOUGH.

I'M TOO DUMB...

I MEAN, I'M TOO SMART FOR THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NERVOUS?

UH, HOW NERVOUS?

REAL NERVOUS.

REAL NERVOUS?

STOP THE NOISE, PLEASE.

I MEAN, SO NERVOUS THAT, UH...

YOU COULDN'T, UH...

C.D., GOD, COME ON, YOU KNOW.

IT'S EMBARRASSING ENOUGH.

YEAH.

OK, LOOK.

I COULDN'T... I
COULDN'T DO IT...

THE THIRD TIME.

OH.

THIS IS THE MOMENT

WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

LET OKTOBERFEST BEGIN!

[TWEET!]

THIS DAMN TOWN,

YOU CAN'T GET ANYTHING
GOING HERE. SHIT!

HI.

HELLO.

LOOKS NICE.

C.D. IN?

YEAH.

C.D.?

YEAH, HERE.

I'M CATCHING A
PLANE IN 20 MINUTES.

WHY?

THE UNIVERSITY CALLED ME.

I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE COMET.

THAT'S FANTASTIC!

I WANTED TO TELL YOU FIRST.

ONLY YOU COULD APPRECIATE IT.

CONGRATULATIONS. THAT'S
GREAT. YOU'RE FAMOUS.

IS CHRIS AROUND?

OH, NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN
TELL HIM WHERE I AM.

I'LL BE GONE ABOUT A WEEK.

HERE'S MY ADDRESS.
ASK HIM TO WRITE ME.

ALL RIGHT.

TELL HIM TO KNOCK ME OVER.

YEAH.

I WAS WALKING ON AIR.

NOW I'M WALKING ON FEATHERS

ON PILLOWS ON AIR.

BYE.

BYE.

BEER?

YEAH.

DRAFT?

A LITTLE. IT'S OK, I'LL
PUT ON MY SWEATER.

HA HA HA! THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

WE GET SO MANY GUYS IN HERE

WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR,

NO SENSE OF HUMOR AT ALL.

I THINK A SENSE OF HUMOR'S
REALLY IMPORTANT, DON'T YOU?

YEAH, I DO.

OK. ONE HAND OF
LOWBALL FOR YOUR DRINK.

UH, WHAT'S LOWBALL?

YOU TRY AND GET THE WORST HAND.

OK, A LOWBALL FOR A HIGHBALL.

HA HA HA HA HA!

YOU'RE A RIOT.

YOU COULD BE A DEALER IN VEGAS.

I KNOW. I WENT TO
TAHOE WITH A GIRLFRIEND.

WE'RE MOVING
THERE IN THREE DAYS.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH. THEY LIKE YOUNG
WAITRESSES THERE.

YOU CAN MAKE BIG MONEY.

ONE GIRL GOT A $10,000
TIP FROM A GAMBLER.

10 GRAND? PHEW,
THAT WOULD BE NICE.

THEN WHEN I'M OLDER, I'LL
PROBABLY MOVE TO RENO,

WHERE THEY LIKE
OLDER WAITRESSES.

BESIDES, IT'S ONLY
60 MILES AWAY.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

I GOT A 9, 7, 5, 3, AND A DEUCE.

HA HA HA! THAT'S THE
WORST HAND I EVER SAW.

YOU WIN.

OH, OK, I...

HA HA HA HA!

WHERE YOU FROM?

ALBUQUERQUE.

A-L-B-U-Q-U-E-R-Q-U-E.

IT'S AN OLD BAR BET.

REALLY?

YEAH.

KNOW WHERE I WANT TO GO?

WHERE?

SAN FRANCISCO.

I'VE BEEN THERE.

REALLY? WHAT'S IT LIKE?

GREAT. I'M A 49ers FAN.

NOT SO MUCH THE GIANTS.

AND THE REDWOODS, OH,
YOU SHOULD SEE THEM.

I JUST LIKE TO GO
THERE AND JUST BE.

I ALWAYS TAKE A MEAT
SANDWICH WITH ME.

I THINK IT'S GREAT
YOU'VE TRAVELED.

YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTING.

I TRY TO BE.

I THINK WHEN ONE PERSON

FINDS ANOTHER
PERSON INTERESTING,

THEY BECOME INTERESTING
TO THAT PERSON.

YOU SEE ROXANNE, DON'T YOU?

WELL, KIND OF, BUT NOT...

YEAH, I BETTER
QUIT TALKING TO YOU.

SHE'S KIND OF A FRIEND OF MINE.

WE CAN TALK. THAT'S NO PROBLEM.

OK.

NEXT YOU'LL TELL ME
YOU'VE BEEN TO NEW YORK.

I'VE BEEN TO NEW YORK.

I WAS JUST KIDDING,
AND YOU REALLY HAVE?

MY NAME'S CHRIS.

I KNOW.

I'M SANDY.

IT'S GOOD TO MEET YOU.

THANKS.

THERE WE GO. YEAH.

CHIRP! CHIRRUP!

COME ON.

YEAH, HERE WE GO.

YEAH.

YOU LOVE THE LITTLE
BIRDIES SO MUCH,

YOU GIVE THEM THIS TO PERCH ON.

TWEET TWEET TWEET!

ALL RIGHT.

HI, C.D.

HI, HOW YOU DOIN'?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

FINE, FINE.

BYE, C.D.

HI, C.D.!

HEY, HI! HOW YOU DOIN'?

PRETTY GOOD.

WHOOOAAA...

WHOOAAH... WHOA.

WHAAA... WHOA...

[WHISTLING]

HEY, CHIEF.

OOMPH.

THANKS FOR THE HELP, LADIES.

WHAT'S UP?

OH, FINE.

I MEAN, UH, NOTHING.
NOTHING IS UP.

WANT ANYTHING? A DRINK?

YEAH, BUT IF I ASK
FOR ANOTHER ONE,

GIVE IT TO ME.

RALSTON,

COULD YOU BRING US A
BOTTLE OF WINE, PLEASE?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT,

WHAT CAN YOU SIT ON, SLEEP ON,

AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH?

HUH?

IT'S A RIDDLE. WHAT CAN
YOU SIT ON, SLEEP ON,

AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH?

I DON'T KNOW.

A CHAIR, A BED,
AND A TOOTHBRUSH.

YOUR WINE, RIGHT HERE.

CHIEF.

THANKS.

THANKS.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

THE POINT IS THAT SOMETIMES

THE ANSWER IS SO OBVIOUS
THAT YOU DON'T SEE IT.

IT'S AS PLAIN AS THE
NOSE ON YOUR FACE.

YOU SHOULD TELL HER.

TELL WHO WHAT?

TELL ROXANNE THAT YOU LOVE HER.

AHEM.

ACTUALLY, I ALREADY TOLD HER.

YOU DID?

LAST WEEK, I, UH... I
MADE LOVE TO HER.

WELL, GREAT.

IT WASN'T ACTUALLY ME.
IT WAS JUST SORT OF ME,

BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO
SAID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS,

AND I MADE HER
FEEL THE RIGHT WAY.

IT JUST WASN'T THE ACTUAL ME

WHO DID, UH...
THE, UH... HONORS.

REALLY?

THIS IS THE DEADEST
PLACE I'VE EVER SEEN.

HAVE YOU BEEN SERVING
THAT TRIPE QUICHE AGAIN?

CHUCK, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE OFF TONIGHT.

I'M STANDING IN FOR CHRIS.

ROXANNE'S COMING. HE
PICKED HER UP AROUND 6:30.

I GOT TO TELL HIM
ABOUT THE LETTERS!

CHARLIE.

C.D.? C.D.?

NO! NO! NO!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS.

HI, GUYS.

HEY, ANDY.

WHAT'S WITH C.D.?

I DON'T KNOW. HE'S
ACTING STRANGE.

SO YOU HUNGRY?

WHY DON'T WE ORDER
SOME FOOD HERE?

I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, OK?

CHEESEBURGER, UH, SPAGHETTI...

[RINGS DOORBELL]

COMING!

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

UGH! GOD!

MMM!

CHRIS! CHRIS! CHRIS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

NO ONE THERE.

SHE'S COMING!

UH, WHAT?

THERE WAS NO ONE THERE.

MMM.

AH.

[RING]

WHAT IS GOING ON?

UH, NO, I'LL GET IT.

ARR.

CHRIS! CHRIS!

C.D.!

AH.

PROBABLY JUST KIDS.

OH, GOD.

DAMN KIDS NOWADAYS.

YOU KNOW WHY I CAME BACK...

THERE GOES THAT DOORBELL AGAIN.

I THINK YOU SHOULD ANSWER IT.

IT'S PROBABLY SOME KIDS.

I'LL GET IT, THEN.

CHRIS, THERE WAS NO DOORBELL.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF ALL THIS.

WHY ME?

[RING]

OW!

DON'T BE SURPRISED IF SHE
MENTIONS SOME LETTERS.

YOU WROTE HER A FEW LETTERS.

HOW MANY?

THREE A DAY.

SHE WAS GONE 6
DAYS. 6 TIMES 3 IS 18!

WELL, 20.

20?

OR SO, YEAH.

SHIT.

NOBODY THERE.

CHRIS, DO YOU KNOW
WHY I CAME BACK EARLY?

WELL...

EVERY DAY, EVERY HOUR,

YOU SENT ME SOMETHING NEW.

I COULDN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

I HAD TO SEE YOU.

WELL, IT WAS JUST
LETTERS, 20 OR SO.

THINK OF WHAT YOU WROTE.

I'M TRYING.

WAIT. I WANT TO
KNOW THE REAL YOU.

NO, NOT THE REAL ME.

THE ONE AT THE
WINDOW THAT NIGHT.

THIS IS THE REAL
ME, GOOD OLD CHRIS.

I LIKE HANGING OUT,
LIFTING WEIGHTS.

I'M INTO MY BODY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

I KNOW YOU FROM YOUR LETTERS.

THAT'S THE PERSON
I'M IN LOVE WITH.

COULDN'T I JUST BE CUTE?

DON'T YOU SEE? IT WOULDN'T
MATTER IF YOU WERE UGLY.

NO.

TEACH ME WHAT YOU KNOW.

I PLAY THE GUITAR A LITTLE.

I WANT TO TRAVEL WITH YOU.

NO, I HATE PASTA.

I WANT TO GO TO
CONCERTS WITH YOU.

YOU MEAN WE COULD BOOGIE?

WE CAN JUST TALK, CHRIS.

TALK? ROXANNE,
I'M JUST... I'M...

I'M NOT FEELING
GOOD. I GOT TO GO.

SO?

YOU COMING OR NOT?

YEAH.

GOING TO TELL HER?

I CAN'T.

CHRIS, YOU HAVE TO TELL HER.

IT ISN'T NICE.

LOOK, YOU GOT ANY PAPER?

I COULD WRITE HER.

I GOT A LOT OF
EXPERIENCE AT THAT.

UH-HUH. I HAVE SOME PAPER

IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

I'LL GET IT.

JERRY? JERRY?

JERRY?

OH...

HI, CHIEF.

HI, ANDY.

ROXANNE CALLED.

SHE SOUNDED REAL WEIRD.

SHE WANTS YOU TO
COME OVER RIGHT AWAY.

JERRY?

JERRY, WANT YOUR REMATCH?

HE OWES ME 50 BUCKS.

YOU ANIMAL.

COME IN.

WHAT IS IT?

READ THIS.

"DEAR ROXANNE, I'VE
MET SOMEBODY ELSE,

"AND SHE'S REAL CUTE, TOO.

"I HOPE I HAVEN'T HURT YOU,

"BUT I PROBABLY DID.

"IT WAS REALLY
GREAT KNOWING YOU,

"AND NOW I'M GOING TO
BE A DEALER IN TAHOE.

YOURS TRULEY..."

T-R-U-L-E-Y...

"CHRIS."

I...

AND THEN I FOUND THIS

ALONG WITH IT UNDER THE DOOR.

READ IT. READ IT OUT LOUD.

UH... "ALL DAY LONG,

I... I THINK," UM...

"WHERE IS SHE?

WHAT IS SHE DOING NOW?"

UM, "OCCASIONALLY, I
SEE YOU ON THE STREET

"AND I FEEL THE
NERVES IN MY STOMACH,

A WAVE CRASHING OVER ME."

IT'S SO HIM.

GO ON.

UM..."I REMEMBER
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,

"EVERY MOVE,

"NO MATTER HOW
INSIGNIFICANT IT MIGHT SEEM.

JULY 11th, 2:30 IN
THE AFTERNOON..."

UH... "YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR."

UM..."NOT THAT MUCH,

"BUT I NOTICED,

"AND IT WAS AS THOUGH

"I HAD LOOKED AT
THE SUN TOO LONG.

"I COULD CLOSE
MY EYES AND SEE IT

"AGAIN AND AGAIN,

"THE WAY YOUR HAIR MOVED,

"YOUR WALK, YOUR DRESS,

EVERYWHERE I LOOKED."

IT'S NICE, ISN'T IT?

IT... IT HAS A... I...

FINISH IT.

UH, I DID. IT JUST,
UH, RUNS OUT.

YOU HAVE TO TURN IT OVER.

"C.D. WROTE THIS.
CALL ME. DIXIE."

YOU KNOW, SHE...

I WENT THROUGH
THE OTHER LETTERS.

THEY'RE ALL IN THE SAME HAND.

IT WAS YOUR VOICE THAT NIGHT

UNDER THE BALCONY.

CHRIS DIDN'T WRITE
THOSE LETTERS, YOU DID.

YEAH.

YEAH.

ALL THIS TIME,

RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME,

AND I COULDN'T EVEN SEE YOU.

YOU BASTARD!

OW!

HOW COULD YOU TRICK ME?

I WAS TRYING TO
MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

YOU WERE PLAYING WITH ME.

YOU COULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT.

THE SIGNATURES DON'T EVEN
MATCH THE HANDWRITING.

WHEN YOU'RE
GETTING LOVE LETTERS,

YOU DON'T COMPARE THE
SIGNATURE TO THE HANDWRITING.

YOU WANTED TO BELIEVE IT.

YOU WANTED ALL THE ROMANCE,

ALL WRAPPED UP IN
A CUTE LITTLE NOSE.

YOU EVEN GOT ME IN BED.

YOU WENT TO BED WITH
HIM ON YOUR FIRST DATE.

ONLY BECAUSE YOU SEDUCED ME.

SOME FRILLY WORDS, AND
YOU'RE COUNTING CEILING TILES.

I DON'T CONSIDER THAT
I WENT TO BED WITH HIM.

WELL, SOMEBODY WAS UP THERE,

AND IT SURE WASN'T ME!

WHO WAS IT? CHRIS
COULDN'T HAVE SEDUCED ME.

THAT'S THE POINT I
WAS MAKING TO DIXIE.

YOU TOLD DIXIE?

I JUST MENTIONED...

YOU SON OF A BITCH!
HOW CAN YOU LIE?

I WASN'T LYING! I WAS TRYING
TO TELL YOU HOW I FELT!

YOU HAVE A LOUSY WAY OF
TELLING SOMEONE! GET OUT!

GO ON, GET OUT!

I AM OUT. YOU GET IN.

GET OUT!

GET IN! GET OFF THIS PORCH!

FINE!

GO ON!

AND DON'T TRY
THROWING MY HAT AT ME!

WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE
REST OF THE LETTER SAID?

IT SAID, "P.S., I
WAS ONLY KIDDING!"

10 MORE SECONDS,
AND I'M LEAVING!

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

10 MORE SECONDS,
AND I'M LEAVING.

WHAT DID YOU THINK I SAID?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID, "EARN
MORE SESSIONS BY SLEEVING."

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S
WHY I CAME OUT.

10!

9!

8!

7!

WHAT ABOUT GILLIAN?

I TOLD HER ABOUT HOT-TUBBING.

CHIEF, CHRIS CAME
AND TOOK ALL HIS STUFF.

[SNIFF]

THERE'S A FIRE SOMEWHERE.

GET INTO GEAR.

[BELL CLANGING]

[MOO]

THAT'S WHERE I PUT BOSSY.

YOU PUT BOSSY IN THERE?

WE GOT A BURNER, BOYS!

I WANT TWO 2 1/2 INCH
LINES FROM THE PUMPS,

THREE 1 1/2 INCH LINES
FROM THE HYDRANT.

IF IT GETS TO THE STATION,
THE WHOLE TOWN COULD GO.

WHOA.

HIT IT!

WHOA!

I WANT A WATER CURTAIN
ON BOTH EXPOSURES.

COME ON. COME ON.

GO!

YEAH.

1, 2, 3...

ALL RIGHT! YEAH!

WE'RE DOING IT, C.D.

[MOO]

TAKE IT EASY! HERE WE GO!

THERE'S BOSSY. LET'S GO, BOYS.

[MOO]

YOU'RE ALL REAL GOD-DAMN
FIREFIGHTERS NOW.

TO ALL US REAL
GOD-DAMN FIREFIGHTERS.

THANKS TO US, NO ONE GOT FRIED.

WE BEAT THIS FIRE BY A NOSE.

[MOO]

WELL-SAID.

I WANT TO SEE YOU.

A TOAST!

A TOAST!

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY
THAT I WOULD RATHER BE

WITH THE PEOPLE OF THIS TOWN

THAN WITH THE FINEST
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

SO LONG.

I WOULD CLOSE MY EYES

AND SEE YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN...

YOUR EYES, YOUR
FACE, THE WAY YOU WALK,

YOUR STYLE, YOUR WIT,

AND YOUR NOSE, CHARLIE.

IT DOESN'T QUITE WORK, DOES IT?

I WENT INSIDE AND THOUGHT

WHAT IT WAS ABOUT
CHRIS THAT ATTRACTED ME.

IT WASN'T THE WAY HE LOOKED.

WELL, AT FIRST IT WAS
THE WAY HE LOOKED.

IT WAS HOW HE MADE ME FEEL.

HE MADE ME FEEL ROMANTIC,

INTELLIGENT,

FEMININE.

BUT IT WASN'T HIM
DOING THAT TO ME.

IT WAS YOU.

ALL THESE OTHER MEN, CHARLIE,

THEY'VE GOT FLAT,
FEATURELESS FACES.

NO CHARACTER, NO FIRE, NO NOSE.

CHARLIE, YOU HAVE A BIG NOSE.

YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL, GREAT BIG,

FLESH-AND-BONE NOSE.

I LOVE YOUR NOSE.

I LOVE YOUR NOSE, CHARLIE.

I LOVE YOU, CHARLIE.

WELL?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

IT'S LOCKED!

LOCKED! OH!

THANK GOD I HAVE THE KEY.

BY THE WAY, I NAMED THE COMET.

OH. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

GOOD OLD COMET KOWALSKI.

NO, COMET CHARLIE.

OH, HEY. THAT'S NICE.

YEAH, IT'S MY DAD'S NAME.

OH. OH. WELL.

HE'LL BE SO HAPPY.