Rose Matafeo: Horndog (2020) Movie Script

Come on! Thank you!

Wow!

Thank you very much!

Wow. Perfect.

Thank you so much.

Okay, alright, I want to address

the elephant in the room

Straight off the bat, yes,

I am wearing a short

skirt on a raised stage.

I am fully aware that,

decisions were made.

I'm committed to it now.

So let's, you know... sorry

What happens here stays here.

I also, I also want

to address the fact

that I haven't shaved my

legs for the performance.

And I... yes very brave.

I am a hero

and I wish I could say

that that was like

some sort of cool like

articulation of my feminism

or something like that.

It is not that. It is

I'm just very lazy.

I forgot.

But I honestly do think, I

have a theory that most...

I think most acts

of radical feminism

were born out of laziness.

And do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I too would

rather burn my bra

than wash it by hand.

Like fucking Charlie Bucket's

mother or some shit.

Stirring old bra soup

with a wooden spoon.

I am not that.

So, welcome to the show.

Thank you for coming.

The show is called Horn Dog,

as you can see from the stage.

At this point if the show

wasn't called Horn Dog

I would have some questions,

you know what i mean?

I am fully that it's an

incredibly intense name

I think for a show that

is actually basically...

this show is about love.

So if you did come

tonight expecting

like, you know, like

a sexy sex show,

So sorry.

What you're about

to see is an hour

of sensitive comedy from

a 27 year old Pisces.

So, whoa!

Raunchy! Want some!

And when I said the

show about love

I don't want to freak you out.

That sounds pretty

heavy, very deep.

It is not a TED Talk, I can

promise you that much.

It's not one of those

fucking comedy shows

where it's like, oh,

there's a lesson

to be learned at the end of it.

I hate that kind of shit.

It's not the kind of

show where it's like

Oh, in 2009 I ran over a cat

and I learned about empathy.

Like it's not...

And when I say a cat, I

mean biological father.

And when I say empathy

I mean the patriarchy.

It's not that kind of show.

It's a show, it's a

silly show about love.

And it was actually inspired by

something that happened to me

a couple of years ago,

something big that

happened to me.

And that is that

I read this book

that changed my life

and a huge way.

It sounds very cheesy

but it's true.

And this book

essentially it was all about

how the meaning of life

ends up being the

things that you pay

attention to the most

in your life, right?

So the things you love the most,

and your entire life ends up

being the very meaning of it.

And I thought that was

an incredible thing

to kind of, you know,

do a comedy show about.

And obviously when I

do say I read a book,

what I do actually mean there

is I listened to a podcast

with a review of that book

because I am 27 years old.

I haven't read a book in four

fucking years, okay.

Four more years!

Books suck!

Anyway, no? Okay.

How can I even read a book

when I can't even afford

a house to read it in?

Don't clap that.

I don't even know what

that means, right?

Anti-boomer humour

at the start there.

And also when I say I'm doing

a show about love, right,

I don't necessarily

mean romantic love.

I don't mean romantic love.

I feel like it's a difficult thing to talk about,

romantic love,

especially when you're a

female comedian, I think.

Because I think a lot of people

when you're a woman,

your're a female comedian

talking about that

they just don't think

that you're...

They kind of get worried about

you a little bit, right,

Like I feel like real

pity when I talk about

anything remotely

emotional onstage.

It's the exact same form of pity

and you guys might know this.

It's the same sort of

pity I feel as a woman

when I eat alone

in a restaurant.

That is the exact...

A few knowing laughs

out there.

I went, oh, this is true.

I went to Palm Springs recently

on holiday, alone,

because obviously I am

doing well financially

but not well mentally,

okay?

Swings in roundabouts, yeah?

And I will tell you this,

going into a restaurant or

asking for a table for one

and ordering a steak and martini

is a suicide note

in any language.

So

I am not gonna be

talking about anything

remotely emotional tonight

because, I mean, like love

it doesn't necessarily

just mean romance.

It's such a broad

concept, right.

Like even the word love,

it's a word that operates

in different ways

depending on what context

you use it in, right.

Like for instance I'll

give you an example.

So, I could say, for

example, I could say that

I love spaghetti carbonara.

Yes, that is true, thank

you for the room, yeah.

But it doesn't mean I want to make love to spaghetti carbonara.

See the difference?

Clearly not.

That must be

holy shit, wild night.

Okay. I'll give you

another example

of the use of the word love.

I could say that I love my

cat, yes, that is true.

It doesn't mean they want

to eat my cat, yeah?

See the difference with the

use of the word love there?

And the weirdest example

is that I don't

even like the actor

Armie Hammer,

but I want to fuck him and eat

him, yeah.

He's so mysterious the

way he.

So, I knew that I had

to focus this show

on a very, very specific

type of love, a type of love

I think I've gravitated

towards my entire life

And that is that I am a very

obsessive person by nature,

and that is the approach

I take to love.

I fucking go hard or go home

alright?

I have some style, and

I often use the word

to describe this

obsessive kind of love.

I use the word horny to

describe this type of love.

I don't know if anyone else

does that. Probably not.

Cause it is the wrong

use of that word, yeah?

But it's the only

word I could find

in the English language

that describes

this very specific type of

love, this obsessive love

that almost feels like it's bursting out of your heart sometimes.

It like compels you to

do like the wildest,

craziest things in

your life, right?

And it was the only

word I could find.

And so I was say this

to my friend, Jack,

about the show, I was like,

oh, I've got a show

called Horn Dog.

Horny's the only

word that describes

this particular type of

love I wanna talk about.

It's the best thing

on your heart,

and you do the wildest

craziest things.

And he was like, oh, yeah,

you mean passion?

AAnd I was like, what?

And he went, you mean

the word of passion?

And I was like, yes, I did.

So now I've got a

show called Horn Dog

But I was still struggling

to find examples

of what I mean by this

horny type of love.

I feel like we're still

not on the same page

with this concept.

And I didn't find

the perfect example

until I was back home.

I was back in Auckland, New Zealand,

where I'm originally from.

And... oh, a few

of us, fantastic.

I was back home. Okay,

now I want to take care

to say the next bit in the

coolest way I possibly can.

I was attending a K-pop

convention, people.

Yes, a few ca fans of

K-pop in the crowd.

If you don't know what

K-pop is fucking sick,

it's Korean pop music.

It's so good, go on YouTube

tonight, treat yourself to it.

Fall down that

rabbit hole, yeah.

But what I saw at this

K-pop convention was

this dance floor that

was set up in the

middle of the event

space, right,

and right next to the dance

floor there was this kind of

little group of kind of

shy, really reserved

kind of quiet teenage girls,

not talking to each other at

all, really meek looking girls.

And as soon as the loudspeakers

started playing a K-pop song

that they recognised,

all of them,

without speaking to each other,

would stand up, get

onto the dance floor

and then perform these

amazingly well rehearsed,

meticulously choreographed dance

routines to these songs.

And when I saw that I was like,

this is what I'm fucking

talking about, okay?

This is horniness right

here, okay.

This is girls putting

a hundred percent

into something that is

so not worth it, okay?

This is what I mean! Yes!

And obviously that was what

I was feeling in my heart

and in my head, clearly

what I didn't realise

was you're all virgins

because...

I wanna add on I call

it like I see it.

Bit of a legend. And, also I

have the hindsight of knowing

that low self-esteem is actually

an asset to a teenage girl, yes?

Ooh, that didn't go down

well tonight, that's so

Would anyone disagree?

Is that a crazy thing to say?

I'll put it this way,

has anyone recently

met a teenager with

high self-esteem?

Has anyone done that? Yeah.

Because, yeah, it's fucked

up, yeah.

It's disgusting, yeah,

it's against my beliefs

and they're dangers

to their communities

and they need to be

stopped.

I will say this right

here on this stage,

the only two good things,

the only two good things

we got out of teens

with high self-esteem,

I'll say it right now,

are Malala Yousafzai

, okay,

and the Lizzie

McGuire film, okay?

And please don't clap for the

Lizzie McGuire film

or for Malala Yousafzai.

I guess Greta Thunberg,

she's pretty good,

she's a good yeah,

she's a yeah we fa

we love Greta,

oh yeah, we love Greta.

We love calling Greta

just Greta' because

we're all very scared

to say her last name.

And so love Greta

Thunberg, yeah..

I love her, she's awesome.

She's obviously so great.

What I will say ...

is... it's very quiet at this

point in show

Nothing bad. I honest.

I love her, obviously.

What I will say is that, and I

might sound old-fashioned.

But in my day we called a

nerd a nerd

We called a nerd a

nerd, and it's fine.

You're a fucking little nerd,

okay? And that's okay.

You can be a nerd.

Greta is amazing,

but she strikes me as

the type of teenager

who knows a lot about wine,

you know.

That's that teenager, you know,

she like brings like a

natural wine to pre drinks

and you're like, hmm,

thanks Greta,

put it on the communal table,

this. Pretty cool, right?

I just fundamentally think that teenagers should not have personalities,

is that crazy?

I just don't think you should have you can have interests,

that's fine.

I loved Garfield

as a kid, right?

I honestly think it's just

a red flag when parents

introduce their children

with like a very strong personality identifier,

like a mum's like, this is Caitlyn.

Caitlyn, she's eight years

old, she's very outspoken.

She's very outspoken.

And she says that because

you're not allowed to

call your own daughter a cunt,

ou know what I mean?

You're not allowed.

It's not okay to use words, you

can have outspoken, you know.

But I just think children should be basic,

that's what they should be. I was basic.

I was basic as fuck as a teenager.

I was a little basic bitch.

I was proud of it little BB, little BB.

Little BB queen. Little BB king.

Right, now,

Now, what that was,

was me trying to appeal to two very different sides of the crowd there

and somehow missing both

alright?

I was basic, though, and that's

fine, I mean, I it wasn't like

What's so weird is I feel like there was

an obsession with girls not being basic

with girls trying to figure out,

young girls trying to figure out

who they were at a really,

really early age.

And my parents they tried desperately to imbue

me with a sense of personality as a child.

And I knew this because my

mother, in the early 2000s

she almost exclusively only dressed me in sassy slogan t-shirts, right.

That is all she dressed me in,

and what I think she forgot

and I think a lot of the designers of those shirts forgot as well,

is that sometimes, sometimes,

a nine-year-old child

does not have the

confidence or the knowledge

to sort of back some of

those slogans up, right?

Most of them I didn't know

what the fuck they meant.

I had one, very simple,

very elegant, one word.

Glittery fog. One word,

it just said, fragile'.

What does it mean?

'Fragile'.

I had another one, I had another one,

it was very confrontational.

It said another one said,

Don't bug me!'

Don't bug me, man. Yeah.

But, guys, the crazy thing about this one, right,

was that instead of the word bug'

they put a picture of a

bug, right?

But they fucked up because

the bug they chose

out of any bug you could

choose, was a bee.

So, every day I had nine-year-old boys coming up to me and being like

Don't be you, who the fuck would

wanna be you, piece of shit?

And I was like, fair enough,

fair enough. Says it on the t-shirt, right?

I had one I had another one that my auntie got me,

it was very ahead of its time,

it said, um, uh,

Girls are human too'.

And this was incredible and so ahead of its

time I think because this was the early 2000s.

It was years and years before Taylor Swift had invented feminism,

you know what I mean?

It was really ahead of its time.

I still think that there's something that we I've grown up,

I still think I kind of withered, though,

I feel like we're sold all these fucking bullshit slogans that mean nothing.

I feel like there's a there's a sense of self-esteem that I want to

I want to see if you guys know

what I'm talking about here.

It's a type of self-esteem I have started

calling adult white girl self-esteem, okay?

An inaudible hush has descended

upon the audience there

I feel like that's really my

target demo, uh.

Also, I think people get really itchy when I say that sort of stuff.

I've got to remind you I am half white so

I'm allowed to say those sort of things, yeah

But I'm also half brown as

well, so I can laugh at you

And it's a

gorgeous privilege there.

And what I'm talking about,

okay, I'll explain myself

adult white girl self-esteem

is the type of self-esteem

and self-belief that I

felt I feel like is is

it's a commodified sense,

a commercialised sense of self-esteem and self-belief

largely sold to adult white women,

sometimes appropriating other cultures along the way.

That's all I'm talking about when I talk

about adult white girls self-esteem, okay?

And I will move on cause this

bit is not going well

I feel like I'm not I feel like I always need to defend this bit.

Okay, what I'll say

is,

And before I say the next bit

I want to remind you that I say it with

nothing but love and light in my heart.

So, if this applies to you,

do not take this personally.

But what I mean by this is that for instance if

you were over the age of twenty-five years old

and you are still

buying notebooks

from Primeart, yeah, that say

shit on the front of them

like, 'I woke up like this' like hashtag flawless, right,

I think what you actually might be is inherently full of flaws, yeah.

Do you know what I'm

talking about here?

These like fucking faux feminist

slogans that we're sold

like they don't even mean anything,

they're just words next to each other at this point

and just be like, my other unicorn's a feminist,

like what does it mean?!

Self-care on

, like what?

What are you saying?

What are you actually saying?

I just wanna know, and I

promise I will move on.

But I will say this,

who looks at a fucking pencil case that says

you're amazeballs' on

it at a time of need

and is genuinely like,

I really needed that today.

Get help, seek

professional help instead.

I always feel so

mean saying that.

And I don't mean you can have as much

self-esteem as you want but I just

I think there's a limit, I think

there's a limit, honestly,

And I think I've hit the limit,

I found the perfect level of self-esteem

and that is that

as an adult woman,

and I think some of you might possess this confidence yourself.

I truly have the belief in

myself, I truly believe that

sometimes I can measure a length

between the two tips of my index fingers

and then travel

with that measurement to

the other side of a room

and believe that it will

be at all accurate there?

That's all confidence

you ever need, right?

So, um, where was I?

Okay, I was at this K-pop

convention, right?

I was at the K-pop convention

obviously being hauled away

by security because of my comments to these children, yeah,

and as I was, I was like, Rose,

that is so fucking rich of you to be yelling

that kind of shit out to those girls because when you were their age

you were exactly the

same as them, right?

You were always putting a hundred percent

into things that were totally not worth it.

And also you were as much of a fucking little virgin

as any one of those girls on that dance floor, right,

because I did not realise to the extent of which I was truly,

truly a virgin, right,

spiritually and physically,

right.

I didn't realise this until very,

very recently and that was very recently

when I became obsessed,

and I think a lot of people in this country did as well.

I got obsessed with Love Island.

Any fans?

Yes? Fans in the crowd?

I love it, it, I'm

fucking obsessed.

I want to go on it.

Ooh, and thank you for

your support there.

That was absolutely damning

there, fuck you.

I think I'd be amazing on Love Island,

I honestly, I would be so good.

But for me, just like ideally like a few little tweaks

to the format just to like suit my personality.

So, okay, alright,

hear me out, I will.

Okay, so instead of like a villa in Spain,

like they all go to like South Africa or whatever,

we get to go to like a very old

mansion in the countryside.

And then instead of wearing like misguided

like crop tops and like all the crop tops

and like, you know, little bikinis,

we get to wear like full sweaters to cover

the mic packs, and instead of going there to find love,

we're all there to solve

a murder.

And saying it out loud now,

I do think I'm just describing Cluedo there.

I just wanna buy Cluedo, this

is a side note, and I will

I will just briefly mention this,

I could always tell as a teenager which one of my

friends was the most sexually active by

which one of them chose Miss Scarlet

as their character, it'd be like Cluedo,

so every time a friend would choose her, I'd

I'd be like, the girl's

touched a dick, like

Man respect, man respect.

And I'd be like, Mrs White

for me then

I've never touched a dick myself

out of that.

But so we got obsessed with Love Island in our

household and what we did was we figured

out our love statistics

of our life time.

So, I figured out people, I

figured out from the beginning

all the way from zero,

all the way to the end.

Now, I had kissed nine people in my entire

life and I thought that was actually an entirely

average amount until I asked one other person, okay,

turns out that's pretty

fucking low, right,

especially considering the fact that I had literally never rejected

anyone in my life,

right,, ever.

I run a very open home policy when it comes to that sort of stuff.

Come on in, choose one, choose

all, it's all fine, it's fine.

And it's crazy, I kissed nine men in my life, right,

and I honestly think

that subconsciously there I am holding out

at single digits with men because I think

once I hit double digits it does mean that I am definitely straight

and I am not ready

for that.

Not my future, not my president, yeah,

that's a horrible thing to sign up for, right,

because it's the worst

of all of them.

If that makes sense, right?

It's the worst sexuality

gender combination.

I know it's very un-PC

to rank them, right?

But it is at the bottom, it's,

it's worse than being a straight man

if you actually think

about it, right?

Yeah, I said it.

But what it means is that given

all of the options in the world

for any sexual

partner we desire,

we still went with fucking dudes,

like what is going through my mind?

What kind of poor

decision-making skills

does that reflect upon our community,

especially at a time like this?

Holy shit!

Tough time to be a straight

woman, I'll say that much

Oh my God.

So, I've got a lot of straight male friends, yeah,

because I am an ally.

And they say, they're like, Rose,

it's a tough time to be a decent man.

Yeah, do you know, yeah,

you know what's a little bit harder, is trying to be

a straight woman at

a time like this

given what we know about

you now, okay,.

And the only accurate way I've come

to describing what that truly feels like,

to be a straight woman at times like these,

is it almost feels like trying to recommend

a restaurant that has given you

food poisoning eight times, okay

That's truly what it feels like,

you tell your friends to go, you're like, no, no, no

just go, just go, don't go online,

don't read the reviews, don't read that,

Don't go on Yelp, that's fine, that's fine,

not all restaurants, yeah, not all restaurants, yeah?

They're good, they're

really good, trust me.

And I but I still love men, I

love to kiss them, I

I do, and I don't

even think it's...

I don't even think it's necessarily the fact that I like men,

I think it's the type of men

I traditionally go for.

An it's a very specific type,

I don't know if you ha yeah, I think you have them

in the UK, we definitely have them in New Zealand,

total fucking nightmares.

Do you have that

strain up here as well?

And it's my type on paper, my T

on P, I go towards that

And, I don't know, I'm just so easily forgiving of men,

and also on the flip side,

I'm so easily impressed by men

as well, that is my problem.

Oh my God,

if a man can show a moderate level of skill in literally anything,

fucking sign me up,

honest to God.

I feel like a man if I see like a man leaf-blowing,

if the man like knows like the right

oil that has like a low smoke point to cook a steak, what, what...

If a man can fold a fitted bedsheet bellissimo, yeah.

I genuinely think that men with this shit together

could be quite a popular porn category.

That would be insane.

I met a guy the other day

who could drive a boat.

I'm sorry, what?

What the fuck are

you talking about?

That is the coolest thing ever.

It was like, I tell you what,

his name was Calum, let's call Calum

But his name might not

be Calum.

And he shit.

Shit.

And he was I don't want to say ugly,

that's a very, that's a very

that's a

very strong word.

It's hard to describe

what he looked like.

Do you know that do you know that bit in an apricot that goes in?

Do you know that little bit,

that little divot, that little?

That times two were

his eye sockets, okay.

Little wrap-around pair of Dirty Dogs covering that shit up.

His face was symmetrical but

in a bad way, yeah.

So, he wasn't like my type but by the end of that hour long boat ride

I wanted to fuck Calum,

okay.

Because if he can drive one it's

the sexiest thing I could ima

Can anyone drive a boat

in the crowd tonight?

Okay.

Classy.

That's fucking bullshit cause there's like three hundred people in here.

I'm waiting for the day where I ask that

and I just see like a captain in the crowd

slowly take off his own hat , put it under his seat.

I want no part of this, you

dirty girl.

He'd be right to.

I'd be after him, right, because

if you can drive a boat

I don't care what you look like,

I don't care who you are.

You can have kidnapped me,

you could have kidnapped me

and you're driving me to the

middle of a lake to dump my body

if you're driving the boat I'm still gonna get some vibes going.

You know what I mean?

Like

I'd be like, so,

do you own the boat or is it like a shared thing with friends or...?

I love it, love these cushions, vinyl,

wipe down easy, that's great, that's great.

That's what you do.

Do you have a Bluetooth

speaker or?

It's horrible, like I'm a flu

I'm a floos.

No one said that word for

twenty years.

But it's the most accurate

description, I'm such a floos.

I've got such an obsessive energy when it comes to guys I think.

And I don't know

where it comes from.

But I can pinpoint when these feelings started I think,

and I feel like all these obsessive

feelings about guys and even just

obsessive feelings in general I can pinpoint

those started around the ages of

like ten or eleven for me.

And I was writing the show, obviously the penny dropped,

obviously that coincides with

another huge moment in my life,

which was for me the beginning of puberty, right.

So obviously there was a connection between

these obsessive feelings and, you know

starting that journey of discovering one's sexuality, right?

So, I want to do this thing.

I think you guys will be up for it,

I want to take us back in time.

I want to take us on a little time travel trip,

if that is okay with you guys?

I'm gonna take you back to the

ancient year of 2005, okay.

We've got a few visual aids

here for you.

And also we've got some audio kind of,

to kind of key you back into 2005, alright?

2005, are we there?

Are we there?

Alright.

2005, the OC makes its broadcast premiere on New Zealand television

the very same year I get my

first period, coincidence?

Hell no!

I got my first period at a school camp,

of all places, I remember my friend

Sophie Smith was standing outside the toilet cubicle when it happened,

I started crying

and she started laughing because she

thought I was doing a hilarious gag.

So, not only a big day for me where I became a woman,

but also a crack-up entertainer.

Uh, first gag, right.

And it was such an interesting time to

kind of start this journey because 2005

it was the era of which I can only accurately describe to you guys

as the era of the

early 2000s Internet.

Does anyone remember the

early 2000s Internet?

Yes, a murmur of

recognition there.

Oh my God, do you remember it

was fucking crazy, okay

It was entirely

unsupervised, wasn't it?

Our parents didn't know what the fuck we were up to on the internet.

It was like the wild, wild

west out there

We could do whatever

the fuck we wanted to

as long as our parents didn't need to use the phone,

it was okay then.

It was nuts.

I thought it was a mad shit,

I invented the dark web.

I invented the dark

web,

That was me, it was an accident,

I started a guild on Neopets

and then everybody

just kept joining.

I was like, oh, this is the dark

web now, that's

And when I was a teenager,

I think deeper into the 2000s it was an even more specific,

period of time where I think

technologically two generations

were very much

overlapping each other.

So, for a brief moment in the 2000s,

I don't know if anyone remembers this

there was one year where we all

owned mobile phones, yeah.

But we all still owned

digital cameras as well.

Do you remember that one year?

I was all over that shit as

well, I was all over it.

Kercha!

Yes!

So, that was me.

I was,

a horny teenager with access to the early unsupervised Internet

The world was my oyster.

The only problem was that boys

did not like me.

I really had to sing that to get the pain of the statement, right.

And, it's true, boys

just did not like me.

I was into

I was very unpopular with boys.

I think it was because

of a number of reasons.

I had curly hair, I had curly

hair as a teenager, still do

But it was a problem because I think at the time in the 2000s like sleek

really straight hair was kind of the fashion,

and it really it kind of makes me happy

because I think now curly hair

is having a real resurgence.

Everyone's very positive about

curly hair, it's fantastic.

Yeah, it's fantastic.

But okay,

that might come from someone who has curly hair themselves, right?

I wanna know, I still feel like,

as a curly-haired person in this era,

I feel like there's an air of condescension behind

some of the compliments you get for your curly hair.

There always is, because

it always comes from

someone who does not possess

curly hair themselves, okay.

So it'd always be like a middle-aged woman who's like, Rose, oh,

my God, I lo

I love your curls, I love

your curls.

Ooh, they look gorgeous and you know what you are so brave,

you are so brave.

It takes guts to do what you do.

Yeah, and I'm like, it takes

guts to do what?

And they're like, you

know, argh!

Argh, be ugly.

Uh, you go,

you go, girlfriend.

And I think it was the curly hair,

it was also like as a teenager

I so I had flat feet as a teenager,

it was that, it was that

and nothing to do with my

personality, okay.

I have genetically flat feet as well,

I don't know if anyone else has that.

It's horrible.

I've had that since birth.

But that wasn't something my parents cared to fill me in on, right?

I had to find out that I have

completely flat feet at school,

getting out of the

school swimming pool,

walking to the girls changing rooms and just hearing one girls scream

whose footprints are

those?!

So that was chill, that

was chill as hell, right.

What?

I will say this, I had a really,

as a teenager I had a really bad case

of resting bitchface

as a teenage girl,

and I wasn't even using that term as an

adult because obviously it's a horrible term

because it's inherently gendered, right,

people only describe women as having

resting bitchface because people only describe women as being bitches.

Nobody describes a

man as being a bitch

no matter how hard I try to get

that off the ground, okay

Call a man a bitch tonight

alright, start some shit.

But it's rooted in this fucked up expectation that women should always be

smiling and laughing and looking

approachable to men.

But for men, the exact opposite is true because resting bitchface,

that's your default face, fellas.

I hate to tell you,

right.

But and I hate the double standard of that,

but part of me, honestly part of me deep down

is kind of okay with it because I do prefer

it to the alternative because I think we can

all agree that there is nothing more terrifying

than a man who is constantly smiling, okay, fellas.

Far more

disconcerting.

When I see a man who's always smiling I get

the same feeling in the pit of my stomach

I feel when I see a dolphin smile,

I don't know if anyone else has seen one.

Has anyone seen a

dolphin smile recently?

It's fucking terrifying, okay.

I don't trust anything

where you can see

all of its teeth at the same time when it smiles, right,

it's horrible.

It's

I mean, that took four hours to

edit, worth it?

No.

Sweet, that's what I thought it was,

the curly hair and the flat feet

and the resting bitchface,

that meant that didn't have a boyfriend as a teenager.

That was until my friends from school came

and saw this show and they were like, Rose,

I don't know if it was like the curly hair or the flat feet,

I think it was the

fact that you brought a leather briefcase

to school every day for four years.

And I was like, I don't see

the connection there, like

I had one ace up my sleeve though,

with boys, impressing boys as a teenage girl

and that was when I was a big movie fan,

I was a big film nerd as a teenage girl

and I'll tell you this for free,

what is so true is that teenage boys

are fucking thick as

shit, right.

And they are so easily impressed by any teenage

girl who knows literally anything about any

film ever made, or like any like album ever created,

because they're, they're dumbasses

and they almost think that you grew up

in like an alternate universe where you

didn't ingest all the same fucking pop culture that they did,

like as a teenage girl.

So I'd always have the same boys all the time,

they'd always come up to me

and be like, wait, wait, Rose,

are you are you telling me you've Memento?

Did you get it?

Did you get it, though?

Did you get it?

And the problem is it was the only attention I ever got from boys

I fucking lapped that shit up.

I'd be like, yeah, I have, I

guess I'm not like other girls.

Just so bad, right.

That is a real tip to any young

girls out there, always say that

youre not like other girls,

because other girls are pieces of shit,

and it's healthy to foster a sense of distrust within your community, okay.

A Cosmo tip for you there.

The raunchiest thing I ever got literally online,

I will tell you this, is,

this is entirely true, when

I was fourteen years old,

I got kicked off a friend's

Ferdinand message board

Do you remember Franz

Ferdinand? Yes?

Okay.

I got kicked a friend's Ferdinand message

board because in the forum I posted a post

saying that I wanted to marry

the lead singer, Alex Kapranos,

and the moderator

kicked me off because

he said it was inappropriate

talk for the forum.

Oooh!

Oh, how I wish I could show that

moderator what the Internet has become.

I can watch porn in a library

, and I do!

No, that's a joke, the

wi-fi's very weak.

Uh and I that's actually something I wish,

so as a teenager

I actually never watched porn,

like right, I never touched the stuff.

You'd think that would be the first thing

horny teenager with access to the Internet

would run towards, but I never did,

and part of me regrets that in a way because I feel like...

I feel like if I had I think I would have had a chance of like,

like maybe like

masturbating at an

earlier age, right.

And that's it's always,

all hap it's all coming out now, that's

But what I mean is that I so I didn't

masturbate till I was eighteen years old

Yeah, you're right to

gasp, but.

Eightee eighteen!

Eighteen years old!

Legal age.

Legal age, yeah.

I respect myself.

Eighteen.

The closest thing I ever got to

it was a fucking accident, okay.

That sounds more sinister

than the story.

It was an accident, and I

remember it so clearly

because it was when I

was thirteen years old.

I was walking into my bedroom and I wasn't looking where I was going.

And I bumped into a set of drawers that were at exact crotch height.

And I remember bumping into

them softly, walking away.

And just being like,

why did that feel so fucking good, right?

I did

a spin, I think

I think I'm gonna sha

moan as well, it was crazy.

But it's like as a kid I didn't understand what

the connection was between those feelings

and what had happened,

right, because I think

I think teenage girls in my generation or maybe where I grew up

we were never explicitly

taught how to masturbate,

or even encouraged how to ma

like, you know,

to masturbate or to

explore that, right.

Like that was a big word to get around it,

I think there was always vague words

like just explore, just explore,

just explore, girls.

Just it's fucking

vague, isn't it?

Just explore your bodies, girls, just explore,

explore your bodies, like, you know

with old lantern, you know,

like with an old stick and a hat,

Yeah. You're in the

unknown, right?

I've been exploring this

cavernous pussy for twenty years

Still haven't found

my own clitoris.

Marco?

And also when it comes

to that stuff, I don't

I'm so bad at it.

I am so bad at it.

I do

I like I, this is tec

I know what to do technically, yes,

don't give me that, right.

I technically know what to do,

but my problem is that I get so easily distracted

when I'm on my way to doing it,

that is my main problem.

I'll just be like, so like yes,

let's do it, tonight's the night, whoa.

It's on.

I'm not saying anything,

if you wanna

Look in the mirror, it's gonna

happen, alright.

And I'll be on my way to doing it,

and then suddenly just like a random thought

will just pop into my

head, so I'll be re

I'll be there, ready,

about to do it and then suddenly I'll just be like

what ever happened

to Keane?

Remember Keane?

Then I'll start

googling Keane, right.

Then I'll start seeing when their summer tour dates are and shit.

Then I'll try and go

back to having a wank.

Do you know how hard

it is to have a wank

when you're still

thinking about Keane?

It's incredibly hard.

Also, I know that's not

how you do it.

Just a light tap, yeah, light tap over denim,

you know, no, I'm done.

That's good for me, right.

A light tap over denim.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I

think there is just a fundamental difference

when it came to horniness as a teenage girl

compared to being a teenage boy, right?

I just think it was just inherently different,

I think if you happen to have

a thing, yeah, and it's there

and it is jutting out and is

and you do stuff to it

and the stuff escapes

I have had sex before, I do

wanna just reiterate that.

But that is a more straightforward solve to feelings of horniness, right.

But I feel like with girls sometimes it's like a lot more complicated.

It's like emotionally

complex horniness, right.

Like, like for instance when I was a teenage

girl and I had a crush on a teenage boy

I didn't imagine what

his dick looked like.

I made a fucking collage,

you know what I mean, like okay,

what are these feelings, right?

Okay, so I got to the age of eighteen years

old and I finally achieved what I think I'd been

yearning for all throughout my teenage

years was that I finally got a boyfriend, yes,

ooh, yes, urgh.

Thanks, oh, do not whoop

just yet, okay.

Cause what that started,

unbeknownst to me,

was this almost this domino

effect of back-to-back

long-term relationships with

not many gaps in between,

between the ages of

eighteen to twenty-five.

I told you I fucking go

hard or I go home, yeah.

Another true thing about me is that out

of the last five people I have kissed,

I have then entered relationships with four of those people

cause I am not smart.

And that's what I do,

I just throw myself

head first into these situations

into relationships,

and my friends they think they

know me better than me.

They're like, Rose, you know what your problem is,

what your problem is,

is that you're scared of being alone,

it's cause you're scared of being alone.

And what's very interesting is

that it's actually not that.

What it actually is, is it's

actually something different

that I can't quite

pinpoint right now.

But there is something there,

and maybe I'll explore that another day

in another show,

but it is actually quite personal, so don't

stop asking questions

about it.

That's obviously a joke.

I am obviously self-aware enough

to know, you know what it is.

But sometimes it's hard to put into

examples that are quite relatable to people.

So I will, I'll give it a go,

what I'm trying to

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

do you know that feeling when you

love someone so much,

but you know that you can't be with that person

but you know that that love for

that person can't just disappear

it can't just like

evaporate from your body.

It has to exist within your body for the rest of your life,

almost like in a crystallized form

at the bottom of your stomach,

it's almost like You put a Horcrux in that person

and that person's put a Horcrux in you,

and you live the rest of your life knowing that

you're gonna love that person in a really deep,

important way, unlike anyone else

you'll ever love in your life,

but will just live inside you for the rest your life

and never go away.

Do you know what

I'm?

Is that relatable?

I did try and turn that into a meme,

but that didn't really imply that's

is that not relatable?

We are selling our t-shirts and tote bags as well,

so I don't is that

am I gonna lose money on that?

Is that not relatable?

Okay.

That's fine.

I think maybe this, okay,

maybe this isn't relatable, but I think

this is what it is for me, and

it might relate to someone

but I think that what my

thing is, is that I'm more

I am more in love with the idea of

being in love more than the reality of it.

That is it.

I am more in love with the concept of being in love,

rather than the reality of it.

It's the same approach I

take to baths.

And you know what I mean by that,

like the idea of a bath it's fucking incredible.

But the reality of a bath is that you are hot and you're wet

and you're alone with

your thoughts, okay.

And that is literal

hell to me, right.

I go into a set of negative meditation when I get to a a therapist is like

that just sounds like

mild depression.

And I was like potato,

potato.

Same deal.

All about MD, a little

house MD.

Mild depresso.

I go to my therapist a lot and it's so funny cause most of the things I talk

to her about are usually

about relationships

cause I think that's what stems

most of my anxieties and stuff.

And she says the same thing to me every time,

every single time.

She's like, Rose, Ro,

what your pro what your problem is, is that

you're obsessed with things that

have happened in the past

and things that might

happen in the future.

But you're never

just in the moment.

That's you're never just

living in the moment.

So, all you've gotta do, all you've gotta do,

all you've gotta do is you've gotta do

you live in the moment, you've

gotta live in the moment, Rose.

And every time I hear that I'm like,

that's incredible advice, thank you so much for that.

What sage, wise advise.

And then another part of me,

very deep down, thinks, how am I paying you

sixty fucking British pounds

to tell me

something I could buy on the front of a fucking notebook from Prime Art?

Fucking live in

the moment, girl.

Like what?

So what, man?

You don't need to clap,

you don't need to clap.

But it's true you're a fucking

medical professional.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

And she's like so wrong

about so many things.

She also said,

after last long-term relationship I got out of

all of the feelings of like euphoria and all these happy feelings

I was describing to her she would actually technically describe

that as mania and I was like,

I don't know what you're talking about,

I feel amazing!

So, I got rid of her.

Cause she just didn't she wasn't on my wavelength,

but she was right

about one thing, and I will

give her this, and that she

I do,

I do obsess over things that haven't necessarily happened yet,

I do obsess about scenarios

that haven't happened yet

because I like to prepare

for the worst, right.

And I do have this

recurring fantasy about,

it's like an awesome

scenario to like workshop

if anyone is interested.

It's the scenario of me finding out that

my ex-boyfriend is seeing someone new.

That is like it's delicious,

you should try it.

It's because I wa

I practice it because when that happens,

I want to be fucking glamorous as hell

when it happens

, right.

I want to be like Katharine Hepburn when that bombshell drops,

and I've thought about it to

like the smallest detail.

Like it's crazy.

Like ideally, I'll show you,

I'll just show you.

Ideally when it happens, I'll

be holding something, right.

Like I'll be like doing the dishes or doing like a little bit...

like ittle bit of

chores or something.

And so, as soon as the person,

like my friend tells me that my ex-boyfriend

is seeing someone new, this is

exactly how I'll react.

I have practiced this, okay.

Eliza?

What a lovely name.

I must send a telegram.

You know what I

mean?

It's just

don't clap that, don't.

Don't clap it because it's

actually not okay, right.

You're enablers if you

clap, right, that's

cause that's not normal

behaviour and it never happens.

You can't plan how

that's gonna happen.

It always happens in the

worst possible situation.

It always happens on your fucking on a bus on the way to West London.

You're about to get your hair

cut and you cry all the way

through the haircut and you

have to pretend

you're allergic to a hairdryer,

okay.

That's how it happens.

Is that example too

specific?

And my friends tell me, they're

like, Rose, Ro, you are

twenty-seven years old, you have

to have the emotional maturity

to let someone move

on with their life.

And I say, sorry, sorry,

are you you are talking to a woman who has no fewer

than three full pint glasses of old water

on her nightstand at any given moment,

you think I possess the maturity to let someone move on with their lives?

And especially at a time like this,

at a time like this where I think if the Internet was

something that actively helped us as teenagers

like discover our sexualities and all that,

it's something that actively like hinders us as adults to get over someone,

to like fall out of

love with someone.

Like if it

I am

I'm fine by the way,

you're really crazy.

But has anyone, I'll ask this,

has anyone in the room had to go through a breakup

in the age of Facebook

memories?

Why would you wanna do that?

Because I

I

I'll tell you this much, when you're going through a break-up,

Facebook memories is essentially

an abusive friendship,

yeah , cause it's the equivalent of someone coming over

to your house and being like, hey,

here you go, is that oh my God, I made you a

photo album of you and your boyfriend's trip to America three years ago.

Why are you crying?

Are you okay, girl?

Are you

Oh my oh, you broke

up years ago?

Oh, how could I not know that since I had access

to almost all of your personal information?

In fact, fuck you, Facebook,

I don't see how they can't figure that out.

I don't see how Facebook can read into my

messages and see when I might be freaking

out to my friends that I might be pregnant

and then target Clear Blue pregnancy tests

to me the next hour.

But they can't figure out I fucking broke up with someone years ago.

I just wanna say, where is

the algorithm for that?

And its anything, it's ev so every time,

it's everything, it's everything, all

my apps, all my apps got

a clue, clue.

My period

I've got a period tracking app,

has anyone, uh, got a period tracking app?

Anyone?

Yes?

Yes, oh, fuck it,

everyone should have a period tracking app, it's great.

Use it as a calendar, I don't know,

very sad advent calendar, right.

I love my period tracking app,

but I have two problems with it

and the first problem is,

and I will say it, I say this with love

but sometimes when I'm

updating my period tracking app,

I almost feel like I'm writing some sort of entry into a wartime journal.

Because you know what the language you have to use with it?

You'd just be like,

day five.

Still bleeding.

I miss my wife so much,

right.

That's what it feels like, but

the second problem I have

and this is true, this has been

proven, your period tracking app

is selling information to your

Instagram account.

So at the height of my menstrual cycle every month,

I am advertised the same fucking pair

of dungarees I could never pull off,

like what is it that stirs that?

That is someone preying on me at my most

emotionally vulnerable and it's everything's

bovine!

You know it's bovine

when it feels like,

oh, it's like the top songs of like a certain year,

so be like, oh, top songs of 2016 or

whatever, and then all those songs,

they remind you of ex-boyfriends, so you have to rename

the playlists to something like crying',

but then you realise that your

profile is public, so all your friends can see it,

so you have to rename it to something

more inconspicuous like

summer anthems'.

Put palm trees on the side.

Netflix!

Oh my God, do you know when you like log into Netflix and you're like,

your ex-boyfriend

is still logged into it so you're like,

I'll have a look at what he's watching.

And so you go in and you see that he's half

way through the new series of Stranger Things

and you're like, oh,

that's so weird because that was sort of our thing.

And so what you do is you watch you six episodes

in one night so you can catch up where he is

so you can like watch at the same time as him,

at the same pace, even though he's

not talking to you.

So you feel like you're sharing

That's too specific.

Well, that's the

show, um

So I think are there any there aren't any more slides are there?

Are there any more slides?

Sorry, I'm here.

Yeah.

Thank you for coming, um, usually that bit like,

is like an ending where everyone's

like, oh, you're like great,

it's so relatable, and like

and then we like end on like a high,

but no, that's, yeah, cool.

So, it's like an it's like

anticlimactic, so

I guess oh, I guess if there

were a lesson to be learned

and there really is a new word

is that maybe sometimes you put

a hundred percent into something

and it doesn't work out,

it doesn't work out.

But that doesn't mean it wasn't worth it,

that's not what I mean.

Like I don't want that to be the message of the show,

like maybe I was, maybe was wrong

at the start of the

I think maybe I was wrong in the sense

that I feel like it's not actually what

it's not actually what you love,

it's actually how you love, you know, it's like actually

what kind of person you are and

how you express that love.

And you can't that's like

that's what has meaning to it.

And I feel like you can't you can't change that,

you can't change your personality.

You can't change the fact that you're twenty-seven years old, you're

So why would you want it?

Why would you want it?

I'm fine.

Why would you want to hold back, though,

from one of those things that you

feel like is one of the most awesome parts of your personality,

cause you throw yourself

fully into something,

because like why would you hold back from doing that at a time like

thi we're gonna we're gonna fu we are gonna fucking die in two years.

Do you know what I mean?

Like I heard that on a podcast, right, so,

I know why would you hold back from

loving someone with

all of your heart?

Cause I think like love is like a high-risk,

high-reward situation,

isn't it?

And the more you put in, the more you stand to get out,

you have to risk something.

And even if you're going through the most awful,

like horrible form of heartbreak

at any point in time all that means is that

at some point you had the most incredible,

like amazing form of love as well,

and surely there's meaning in that.

And I just think that putting a hundred percent

into something will always be worth it.

Oh my God!

Thank you! Thanks guys.

Rose Matafeo: Horndog (2020) - full transcript