Ron White: A Little Unprofessional (2012) - full transcript
Two-hour special was filmed live at the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas.
[bluesy instrumental music]
I told you to shut up.
[instrumental music]
[car horn blowing]
Hey baby!
What the hell are you doing?
What?!
Ron you promised.
You know how I get when all
that jabbering starts.
Hell that just makes me crazy
sometimes.
You know how I am.
Get in.
You have a show to do in
four hours.
Oh baby we're going to make it
to that show.
You don't worry about that.
You just get this Cadillac
fired up and headed towards
Austin.
Jabbering.
[instrumental music]
[applause]
Alright!
Bye baby!
[applause]
Austin TX, how the hell are ya?
It's great to be back.
It is so great to be back in
Austin TX,
man I just have so much fun
whenever I am here.
I see so many friends, thanks
for coming out.
I was in Bakersfield,
California Wednesday night,
boy you people think you
people are stupid.
[laughter]
The last time I was
Austin was the first time I
was ever blatantly
been offered a 3 way
and I turned it down because
it was one of those deals
where it was two dudes and me.
I don't even watch 2 1/2 men.
We flew in for Los Angeles and
we were at LAX going through
screening and this guy is just
losing his fucking mind
because I guess he doesn't
travel that much and he just
isn't used to this equipment
and he is just going crazy.
You know you can have fun with
that,
you can do what I do..
I take two Viagra and demand a
pat down.
[laughter]
What's that in your pants
Mr. White?
I have no idea.
[laughter]
You are going to need to pat
that down.
Pat it back up again.
Give it a couple twists, see
if it's hooked to anything.
You might want to go wash
your hands.
I started this tour this
summer in Las Vegas and while
I was in Vegas I broke this
tooth... off at the gum line in
an alcohol swimming pool
related incident.
[laughter]
I had a show to do in 4 hours,
I was drunk and missing a tooth.
It looked a little
unprofessional,
not to me but to the fine
folks at the Mirage
it god damn sure did.
I told them you've got to get
a dentist to patch this up,
I will not go on stage looking
like this because this tooth
doesn't look that big until
it is gone.
They found an all night
dental school;
this dentist is 14 years old.
He hooks up to the gas and I
don't feel anything,
I am like dude you need to
turn this gas up.
He says “the are regulations
of the state of Nevada stating
which code one section four”
fuck
and I asked him,
I said where did you go to
college?
He goes, Brigham Young, I am
like fuck dude turn it up to
Catholic.
[laughter]
Never let a Mormon set your
buzz level.
Never, don't do it.
And I'll tell you why, they
don't understand fucked up
the way you and I do.
They don't they are guessing
and they're shitty guessers.
When he got through with the
procedure,
you could still tell which
tooth he had worked on because
it was a different color.
My teeth looked like
Indian corn.
I had to go to my dentist who is
pitching veneers for my teeth
because he says I am
doing wide screen,
high definition television,
which is nobody's friend.
Man every actor I know in
Hollywood would rather have
low definition narrow screen
TV's so they look thin and
fuzzy instead of clearly fat.
[laughter]
I would like to see my dick on
a widescreen tv.
That way I can quit looking at
through my reading glasses.
[laughter]
Put these on baby.
[laughter]
It looks bigger than it feels.
I had no idea how expensive
veneers were man.
They wanted to do 8 teeth
on the top and 6 teeth
on the bottom.
And I was like well how
much does that cost
and he said $27,500.
Fuck, how much is dental school,
I'll teach my mother how
to do it.
You are going back to
college mom,
I never went to college, well
this will be fun for you then
was a weird week and I knew
it was going to be a weird
week because it
started off weird.
I was going to go Vegas a
day early to do some media
and I wanted to see this
show called love that's
also at the Mirage
Beatles Cirque du Soleil show
fantastic fucking show.
So I was talking to my wife,
my wife and I live in Atlanta
and
Hollywood and we were out in
California
I said I am leaving today at
3:30 to go to Las Vegas and
I have airplane that
you guys bought me.
I like it a lot.
Half the fortune 500 companies
in America have let go
of their private jets,
not Ron White, Inc.
I am flying that son of a
bitch straight into
bankruptcy.
[laughter]
I guarantee you, one day
I will be living in a
double wide
trailer with shag carpet and
I'll have a jet with weeds
growing through it.
I will be in the front seat
going push me around some.
And I don't come from money,
I come from the opposite
of money, I come from no money.
[laughter]
Ten years ago I lived in
a camper in my friend's
back yard,
he didn't even know I was there.
It wasn't even a nice
camper it was like a
homemade pop up camper,
it looked like someone
had duct taped a tent
to a golf cart.
I had a twenty-inch Coleman
television.
I had to pump it up during
commercials.
You couldn't watch porn on
it because nobody's that
coordinated.
[laughter]
I was broke.
I owed the IRS a bunch
of money because
I don't understand
how that works,
it's confusing.
When I started doing stand up,
they said that made me an
independent contractor and I
needed to start filing my
taxes quarterly, which I
thought meant every 25 years.
[laughter]
My brain won't wrap itself
around shit that complicated
man my brain does this, that's
it that's all it does.
I have ADD, I have a learning
disability I don't have a high
school diploma.
I am smart but you can't prove
it on paper.
[laughter]
I do have a GED and you don't
know what GED stands for then
you probably got one too.
[laughter]
Anyway I told my wife I said
that I am leaving today at 3:30
to go to Vegas and my wife
is singer/songwriter
composer Margot Rey is her name,
a brilliantly talented woman
and she says well I am working
with a guitar player in the
studio until 5:00,
you can't wait until 5:30 so
I can fly with you and I say
can you be there at
5:30 and she said yes,
which I knew was a lie
because she is the
biggest liar
I have ever met in my life.
When it comes to how
long it is going to take
her to get somewhere,
I hear her on the
phone all the time
just lying through her teeth,
"we are two exits away,
traffic is really heavy, we
should be there in 15 minutes.”
I am like you are the
fucking bathtub.
[laughter]
We wouldn't be there in
15 minutes if we were
where you said we were.
But I told her, if you get
there at 5:30 then you can fly
with me but let me tell you
something sugar tits at 5:31
I am wheels up and
I fucking gone.
I said that,
[laughter]
Not very loud,
[laughter]
But I said it.
5:31 gets there, is she there
no,
do I leave? No.
[laughter]
6:01 gets there
is she there,
no, do I leave no.
Why?
Because this dick won't suck
itself that's why,
[laughter]
It won't I have asked it
to many, many times.
If fact the other day, I sat
my dick down I looked him
straight in the eye and I said
listen.
I know I have drug you into
some pretty muddy shit in
the last 35 years but I
need you to get past that,
learn how to suck yourself so
I can grow a spine and get on
with my god damn life.
It went in one ear and
out the other.
My dick has ears, it has an
eye and it has two ears
and a double chin,
Mr. Potato dick.
The cutest thing you have
ever saw.
I have little outfits
I put on him.
One of them's a raincoat.
Not a condom, a raincoat.
A little yellow slicker with
that hat looks like that
fish and chips dude.
It is the exact same size as
the one on the box.
That's just an interesting fact.
What is it Ron, an
interesting fact.
So we go see love and Beatles
Cirque du Soleil show,
huge fan of the Beatles.
I just love their music, always
have and the Cirque is always
fun and our shows are always
at the same time so I have
never been able to see I
I got 8 people from my camp,
my wife sitting next to me.
We have great seats because I
work for the Mirage.
Everything is perfect except,
right behind me
these two chicks are just
jabbering,
not about the show just
jabbering jabber jabber can't
shut up jabber jabber
won't shut up jabber
fucking jabber fucking jabber.
The kind of chicks that could
talk around a blow job.
Mumble mumble I told him the
other day...
If I come home one more time
and that baby has a shitty
diaper wrapped around his ass
I am gonna...
Mumble mumble!
I'm going to go get a dress to
wear to Arbys...
And I turned around and looked
and I noticed their husbands
weren't with them, I figured
they were at a gunshow trying
to find a way out of this
fucking thing.
[laughter]
Oh that's way better.
Then I hear a guy next to them
say hey can you keep it down
my family is trying to watch
the show and she goes
fuck you, we paid our
money we will do whatever
the hell we want.
I am just steaming fucking
pissed they are ruining my
god damn night I can't
hear anything but that,
I have been waiting a year to
see this fucking show.
So I turn around and very
politely,
[laughter]
Don't start with me, very
politely I say lady talking
during a live theatre as far
as social skills goes is like
shitting in the street.
She said you better mind your
own business,
I said you better quit
shitting in the street.
[laughter]
She said I'll have thrown out
of here,
I said if you don't quit
flapping your fucking
cockholster.
[laughter]
Everybody heard that
before it was a little
disturbance
right behind me after very
few people were privy
to that one then 1700 people
hear me go, if you don't quit
flapping your fucking
cockholster.
[laughter]
This is all at a show called
love by the way.
[laughter]
I had her murdered and buried
in the desert.
It's Vegas baby, careful who
you fuck with.
And legend has it if you go
out into the desert and the
moon is full and
the wind dies down
you can still hear
her jabbering.
[laughter]
I am a street shitter, I am
shitting in the street.
Did you what the fuck was that,
that is that chick Ron killed.
They call this jabber gulch.
My favorite thing about
playing Vegas is I get to play
this golf course called Shadow
Creek which is one if the most
exclusive golf courses in the
world.
I worked for them for 3
years and didn't even
know it existed.
Because they knew if I found
out it existed,
I'd pester the fuck out of
them until they put it in my
contract.
Which is exactly what happened.
It is amazing, this golf
course is so fucking
tricked out.
The first time I walked
through the gates,
I was like nobody is
stopping me...
It is where all the pros
play when they're in Vegas
and I was out there this summer
and Tiger Woods was out there,
just dicking around.
[laughter]
I made him sign my golf
clubs I mean he is the
most famous person
I have ever met and I know
a lot of famous people
but nobody as famous as Tiger
fucking Woods.
I love Tiger man, I defended
tiger when all that stuff
first came out.
When I heard those initial
rumors I felt sick to my
god damn stomach for the guy
because I have never been
accused of doing anything I
didn't do.
[laughter]
Not one god damn time, I did
it every single time.
Not once could I go no that
was Glen Campbell.
[laughter]
Hey a lot of things smell
like strippers.
And I defended him to my wife.
I said you don't know what
that guy has been through.
He hit his first famous golf
shot on tv when he was
2 years old, you don't what
his home life is like,
you can't judge a guy because
he made one mistake.
Then he gets caught
with number 13, 14,
15,16, and 17.
I start going god damn Tiger,
come on buddy.
And it got to the point where
every time he got caught with
another woman, my wife would
go like this.
[laughter]
what?
I don't even know the
fucking guy,
you act like I was holding his
dick the whole time.
We watched him make that long
apology on television and
afterwards my wife goes "do
you think a guy like Tiger can
quit cheating on his wife?"
And I said... [laughs]
[laughter]
You bet.
[laughter]
Which you know is bullshit
because you know just as well
as I do, if a guy likes
strange getting him to quit
liking strange is like getting
a dog who likes to kill
chickens to quit killing
chickens.
They don't even know what you
are talking about.
You gotta quit killing chickens
alright let me see if
I got this straight,
I can still kill chickens.
[laughter]
No you can't kill chickens
anymore.
Alright, lets say I am a hotel
room with a chicken.
Let's say the chicken just
wants to touch me,
[laughter]
Can I kill that chicken?
No.
My wife told me all women want
the same thing,
they want to marry someone who
will never have sex with
anyone else no matter what.
I said well maybe you should
consider marrying somebody
that nobody else wants to fuck.
[laughter]
If it means that much to you.
Don't marry the most famous
golfer in the world.
Marry the most famous frisbee
golfer in the world.
Ain't no line to fuck that dude.
We had a chat about cheating
that day.
My wife told me, she goes
listen Ron lets get this
straight, sex is sex period.
I said no now oral sex is not
the same as intercourse,
she said it is the exact same.
I said it's not the same price.
[laughter]
I heard that on the radio.
It all comes down to
opportunity some guys are put
into a position where they
have to say no to beautiful
women and that is hard to do
and some guys are never put in
the position and that is way
fucking easier.
[laughter]
I see these big 350 pound guys
saying I have never cheated on
my wife and I was like, I bet
that was tough.
[laughter]
Tiger doesn't get any
credit for all the pussy
he turned down
and that is the number
you are looking for
right there.
My wife's best friend, her
husband cheated on her and
my wife hates Tiger's guts and I
said well what about that guy?
You don't hate that guy.
She goes, he did it one time.
I said he had one chance.
This guy had sex with 100% of
the women he possibly could
his entire god damn life Tiger
was 18 for 82,000
that takes a little god
damn discipline right there.
[laughter]
If 82,000 women want to have
sex with you and you only fuck
18 of them, that's love.
[laughter]
He was in love with that woman.
She broke his tiny Tiger heart.
He lost all those sponsors
which never made sense to me
because his core fan base is
men and I don't know one guy
in America who gave a fiddlers
fuck what he did.
I guarantee you not one guy in
America went,
really Tiger got some strange
pussy,
I am dropping AT&T.
[laughter]
Not one guy gave a
fiddlers fuck.
[laughter]
Now when they were around
their wives they acted like
they gave a fiddlers fuck and
get all foghorn leghorn,
why I never I can't believe, a
man would commit such
transgressions towards his wife,
I say I say how's his
relationship with the Lord
I'd like to know.
Then as soon as they are
around their buddies they are
like, I wonder what kind of
cologne he wears,
[laughter]
They want to smell just like
that dude man.
He lost some many sponsors I
am thinking about bringing him
over to Ron White Inc not
because we need a new
face for the company,
I'd just love to have
someone around the house
to fade the heat when I fuck up.
[laughter]
Ron White you are the most
selfish prick I have ever met
in my life,
Tiger get in here,
[laughter]
You tell her what you did.
Ron White you are the finest
man I have ever known,
I shall fall to my bended knee
and suckle your penis.
[laughter]
Well thank you baby.
Slow down, watch out for
those ears.
[laughter]
My new years resolution this
year was to lose some weight
and try and get in better
shape and I was working out
yesterday and I hurt my fat.
[laughter]
I sprained my fat roll.
[laughter]
Everybody in my camp is on my
ass about taking better care
of myself and I am like what?
My wife bought me bicycle
thinking I may ride it,
it's for sale.
It's a good deal too, it's
like new.
It's got 750 yards on it.
[laughter]
My wife wants me to start
doing yoga with her and I said
look baby I am not that
flexible she goes you can bend
over and touch your toes
can't you and I said
the only way I can touch
my toes if someone cuts
them off
and hands them to me.
[laughter]
I can't even stand on one
foot unless someone is
shining a flashlight in my eye.
[laughter]
I thought this was funny, we
were at my wife's yoga school
the other day they have a
vegan restaurant there
and my wife goes why don't we
eat here we never eat here.
I said fine lets eat
here because this dick
won't suck itself.
It's all about compromise folks.
I take my tray around to all
the bean sprout piles and I
get to the cash register
and my tray is empty.
The purple dread lock kid
at the cash register goes
Mr. White aren't you going to
have something for lunch?
There's just nothing here that
I eat.
He picks up a piece of carrot
cake that is wrapped in
cellophane and says try this,
it's vegetarian.
The carrot cake is vegetarian?
Yeah.
So you mean to tell me there's
no ham in this,
[laughter]
Because my mother makes a
meat lovers carrot cake
that has sausage,
pepperoni, hamburger meat.
Not really heart healthy she
serves it with a Lipator and a
stint.
[laughter]
They have Snuggies now for
dogs and I love dogs but if I
ever see a dog wearing a
Snuggie I am going to kill it
because that's what I think
the dog would want me to do.
[laughter]
I think if all dogs go to
heaven,
Michael Vick is going to be
a little nervous if he
makes the cut.
[laughter]
There is going to be an
awkward pause at the
pearly gates.
Really they are all here?
Yeah seems like they're
waiting on you Mike.
I am going slip off to hell,
tell Bin Laden I said fuck you.
We got Bin Laden man,
it took 10 years.
It wasn't exactly a calf rope.
He was in that house for 6
years with 5 wives,
I would have shot my
fucking self.
[laughter]
I would have had my
head out the window
screaming at drones,
"I am over here.
[laughter]
Women - we have a little
french bulldog named Pearl.
The other day my wife said I
finally figured it out,
that dog is jealous of me.
That dog loves you so much she
can't stand it if I am in the
same room with you.
I said don't be
ridiculous and when she
walked into the kitchen,
Pearl jumped on my
stomach and said
I can have all your
babies at the same time.
[laughter]
She's coming back act like
nothing is going on,
nothing is going on.
I didn't know whether to
buy more of that weed or
to never smoke it again.
[laughter]
I went with A.
[laughter]
I got busted with weed in
Florida last year.
Less than a gram of weed
and they took my happy
ass to jail.
I have been partying in
Florida for years,
I didn't even know
they had laws.
Look to me like everyone just
run amuck down there.
And I will run amuck with
ya, I will run the fuck out
of amuck with ya.
[laughter]
They took me to jail man and I
tell ya what happened I fired
these two pilots for being
dickheads.
They were such dickheads they
started following my plane
around on this software called
flight aware and if you know
the tail number you can
follow any plane in the
world anywhere it goes.
And before I would get to a
town they would call the cops
and tell them it was a
drug plane so the cops
would come fuck with me.
That is pretty fucking funny.
Then they were on the news in
Atlanta,
where I live, both of these
assholes live on the news
going Ron White is out of
control.
He gets drunk on his plane, he
smokes pot on his plane,
he has sex on his plane.
And I am like, this is my
plane we are talking about
right?
[laughter]
It is not like I did that
shit on a Delta flight
for fuck sake.
[laughter]
No my phone is off.
[laughter]
My wife got pissed at me when
I got busted with that weed
and she smokes pot.
What the fuck is up with that?
I come home she goes you
smoke too much pot.
I said oh let me get
this straight.
You smoke the correct
amount of pot.
[laughter]
You ever smoked so much pot
your wife starts to make
sense...
Me either.
[laughter]
I have this reoccurring
dream that my wife gets
run over by a bus.
Does that make me a bad person?
I'm driving the bus.
Burrrrr!
Eeeerrrrr!
Ahahhhh, blup, blup, blup,
cha, cha, blup, blup,
blup, cha, cha,
rrrup, blup, blup, blup.
She's had enough.
Early last year in
Florida, in Sea World
of Florida an animal trainer
was killed by a Killer whale.
Huh...
Turns out there is a
reason they didn't name
them ocean ponies.
[laughter]
Some things are exactly as
they seem folks.
Killer whales kill, pilot
whales wear dark sunglasses.
I'm not sure how the sperm
whale got his name,
but I'm not getting into the
pool.
[laughter]
That whale got its job back.
They put that whale back in
the show.
And now when I first saw it on
the internet I'm like this
will be world news, wasn't
even news at all they put the
whale back, this whale
killed 3 people
this is a serial killer whale.
And he got his job back?
If that would have happened at
the sea word of Texas that
whale would've went straight
to the fucking electric pool.
And that's just a regular pool
with a toaster thrown in it.
People think they are
expensive to make
but its like 14 bucks.
You can reuse the
extension cord.
People don't know that.
Get another toaster.
They busted a sushi
restaurant last year in
L.A. selling whale.
They fined them 200,000 bucks.
That is so fucking wrong
man, to take a 50,000 pound
majestic animal and serve
it up two tiny slices at
a time.
Oh that's good, got any more?
Shit yeah we do.
We have a shit load.
We make a big commitment.
I don't know how it got caught.
Maybe that 14 foot fin hanging
out of the dumpster.
I should've closed the rid.
Yeah, probably should closed
the rid.
I live in Atlanta half the
year and last summer in
Atlanta an idiot teenager was
decapitated at a major
amusement park in Atlanta on a
very famous rollercoaster,
and now what I thought
happened was he was on the
ride stood up and got his head
cut off.
That's not what happened.
What happened was while he was
on the ride his hat flew off.
And when he got off the ride
he climbed over 2 fences and
went through 2 gates, telling
him not to,
to retrieve this hat.
Which it turns out he really
didn't need after all.
[laughter]
Why that story is dripping
with irony Mr. White.
This is the part of the
show that I prove my job
is better than yours.
Cheers.
You guys are fantastic.
Thank you so much for coming
out on Saturday and listening.
[applause]
I was at home last week and my
nephew called our house and
I never answer the phone
at my house ever,
and I think he was surprised
that I did.
He goes... uncle Ron... is
that you?
I said yeah it's me.
He goes uncle Ron did you know
its okay to be gay?
This is why I don't answer the
fucking phone at my house
right there.
[laughter]
Now it's my problem.
And your right it's okay
to be gay.
Do you know what gay means?
That's when a man likes a man
or a woman likes a woman,
but they can't have babies.
Pretty close.
You believe that a 6 year old,
this kid knows what gay means.
I didn't know what gay meant
till I started hitchhiking.
[laughter]
I wrote a book 7 silly
secrets truckers just
don't want you to know.
[laughter]
My wife and I are big fans of
the reality tv show on HBO
called Pornucopia Sex in the
Valley.
It's a reality show about the
pornography industry in the
San Fernando Valley, which is
where most of it's made.
And uh, we bought the first
season cause it's fucking
hilarious and this one episode
was about guys that were
straight porn stars but they
were doing gay porn cause it
pays 5 times the money.
They're interviewing this guy.
He goes yeah I was in a scene
yesterday with 5 guys at the
same time and I'm not even gay.
I was like you're gayer
than I am.
[laughter]
If you can even think about
what to do with 5 dicks at the
same time your way fucking
gayer than I am.
(hand gestures)
[laughter]
I was having... this is the gay
part of my show.
I was having dinner the other
night with this CBS executive
and uh who I've known for
years great fucking dude.
And he's gay and I've never
said a word to him about
being gay, I just knew that he
was and we are having dinner
in the Beverly Hills talking
about a potential show.
And this chick walks into the
restaurant,
this L.A. smoking fucking
hot man,
probably an actress or
model, and she was an ilf.
Which means I don't care
is she has children.
I don't think the letters line
up but that's what it means.
And she sits at a table kind
of near us by herself and I
had a couple of bottles of
wine with dinner and a couple
of scotches before that.
I was pretty drunk.
I said you mean to tell me
that does nothing for you?
And he looked at her and goes
not a thing.
I said you mean you would
rather have sex with me
than her?
Not by much.
[laughter]
What if I lost some weight,
I'm doing yoga, and I'm
eating ham free carrot cake.
My dick has ears.
[laughter]
That's my favorite thing about
L.A. The people out there are
so god damn pretty.
I'll tell you how it happened
back in the 20's they started
making movies out there, and
when they did all these
beautiful people from
all over America flocked
the fuck out there
to be in the movies and
they couldn't all be in
the movies.
Some of them got regular jobs
but they met those people who
were in the movies.
They got together and had
beautiful babies and those
babies grew and met other
babies from the same area.
They got together and had even
more beautiful babies,
and almost the exact opposite
thing is happening right now
in Kansas.
[laughter]
Kansas is full of ugly quitters.
Have you ever been there?
It's true those people that
live on the fucking west coast
their forefathers got on the
Oregon trail fought hardships
you and I couldn't dream of,
with starvation and weather,
crossing the Rocky mountains.
Not those people in Kansas,
their forefathers got on the
Oregon Trail St. Louis,
Missouri they got to Kansas
said fuck it I'm staying here
and I'm going to fuck that
fat girl right over there.
[laughter]
We had a baby it looks like
a potato.
And that potato grew up and
met another potato from the
same town and abracadabra
Topeka.
My wife came home from the
store the other day and she
goes I was in the produce
department today and this guy
told me I was beautiful,
well baby he's right
you are beautiful.
Yeah but he said it.
Well I'm saying it now you're
beautiful.
Yeah but he said it.
Really you ever overdraw his
checking account?
[laughter]
You ever drive his brand new
Mercedes straight through the
fucking garage door.
That ever happened to that guy.
It happened to me and I think
your so hot I fuck you anyway.
And if your one of these
guys going around the
grocery stores
telling married women
they're beautiful,
hey fuck you!
Kill your own chicken you
mother chicken killing.
My wife's best friend has an
autistic child named Louis.
Louis is 12 years old, he's
the sweetest child I have
ever known.
I've known him since he was 6.
We were at their house
labor day,
Louis informed me that he was
gonna run the 40 yard dash for
the Special Olympics at
Wynnett High School
where I live in Atlanta.
He asked me if I'd come hoot
for him.
I said Louis I'd love to come
hoot for you I just need to
check my schedule and he goes
we checked it you're clear.
[laughter]
Well then I'm your man, Louis.
And I got to admit I was
dreading it,
and then I ended up having fun.
I thought it was going
to be sad that's why I
was dreading it.
It's a celebration is
what it is.
People are tailgating
they're not painting their
faces and bellies blue,
but they're cooking
sausages getting hammered,
betting on these races.
[laughter]
Make no mistake about it they
are betting on these races.
And it's not easy to handicap
a race you got 17 special
needs kids in 6 lanes you
don't know what the fuck's
going to happen.
When they fire that starting
pistol they could scatter,
stop drop and roll.
We saw it all that day they're
not drug testing these kids.
[laughter]
And they announced the
40 yard dash and I was
making a little
wager on my man Louis which
I did for a 100 bucks and
I was looking down at
the track like I'm up
in the stands
I was trying to figure
out which one is Louis,
which isn't easy cause they
all wear the exact same thing.
They wear Special Olympics
t-shirts,
Special Olympics shorts which
they got that day.
But you can wear whatever
footwear you want.
And little Louis for whatever
reason had chosen yellow
rubber boots.
[laughter]
Which didn't make sense
at first but then it
started raining.
Fuck if this thing goes
off road,
I got a natural mudder and
Louis won.
The Yellow Blur.
[applause]]
That's what I call him now the
Yellow Blur.
He loves that nickname.
His mother called me the other
day and she goes will you
please call Louis the Yellow
Blur.
Put him on the phone.
You're the Yellow Bluuuur.
Bing!
It's not like professional
sports,
you go to a Lakers game
you wave at Kobe Bryant
till your arm falls off he
won't wave back to you.
Louis waved back to you in the
middle of the fucking race
he doesn't give a shit.
Louis is fan friendly.
Louis will stop and sign
an autograph,
the Yellow Blur.
I took my son tater tot to
Europe this summer.
[applause]
My son is 21 years old now,
he's in college getting his
masters in entertainment
business.
He's a great kid man he's, I'm
so proud of him.
He's smart, he's funny, he has
my brains high end peaks
without my low-end problems.
That some good god damn news
for daddy right there.
We've been monitoring it.
He's funny I was doing a
corporate gig in Orlando where
he goes to college and I was
backstage with him and I don't
get asked to do a ton of
corporate gigs cause what you
want your corporate image to be.
[laughter]
We were hoping for an
overweight alcoholic that
smokes and cusses.
Let's call Louis, see if
Ron's free.
Anyway I'm backstage in the
green room with my son.
And I wear wild socks and
because I do people give me
bizarre socks for
whatever reason,
and I'm backstage with my
son, I'm putting on these
weird socks
and Marshall goes, uh dad
those socks are gay.
I say chicks dig these socks;
he goes chicks wear those
socks.
[laughter]
All right he's my kid you can
stop those tests.
I love his mom.
His mom is great she's my
second wife;
I never argued with her ever
when she didn't want to be
married to somebody who was
always going to be on the road,
and the only argument I
remember having with her was
when he was a toddler about
whether or not to spank him.
Her contention was if you had
an argument with an adult and
disagreed with them, you
certainly wouldn't hit them.
I said I would if they peed
in my face.
[laughter]
I'm not kidding pee in my face
see what the fuck happens.
She busted him with internet
porn when he was 15,
and I felt so sorry for him.
She called me just squawking.
I felt horrible for the kid
because when I was 15 I was so
horny I could jack off
to the Sears catalog
and that's just big girl
panties and lawn mowers.
I can't imagine being 15 years
old and having an unstoppable
stream of pornography piped
straight into your god damn
bedroom.
When I was a kid I had to earn
porn man.
You had to wait till your
friends dad went
out of town on business.
You had to pull down a
wrink-a-dee spring-loaded
attic ladder, you had to crawl
up into a dusty spider ridden
fucking crawl space, forge
through cardboard boxes until
you find a 8mm reel.
Then what?
Learn how to work a fucking
projector,
that's what!
[laughter]
And after all that you got
silent bushy porn.
And if there was a sound track
it was always something fucked
up you couldn't understand it.
Is he going to stick his
finger in her ear?
No his penis is in her rear
watch the movie.
We had one friend that was two
years younger than us,
and he went she put it in
her mouth!
I didn't know she was going to
put it in her mouth.
She's going to need to brush
her teeth.
[laughter]
Not yet but she will
watch the film.
Note to self: put it in
her mouth.
So Laurie, that's my ex wife,
she goes you're going to need
to talk to your son about sex,
it's time.
I said well you're right it is.
She goes when are you going
to do it Ron?
I said he's going to be at the
house this weekend,
so I'll talk to him then.
I said okay fine.
Marshall turn off the
television.
Turn it off I need to talk
to you.
Alright.
I said I want to talk to you
about sex.
He goes oh dad come on.
I said no you're 15 years old
it's time we had this talk,
he goes okay.
I said the clitoris is as
sensitive as an eyeball...
[laughter]
[laughter]
Was that it?
That's all I got.
[laughter]
Don't go rubbing on it
I it's dry.
Turn that tv back on boy.
What about safe sex dad?
It's never safe their husbands
always come home that's a
fucking myth.
He's so smart; I can't believe
how smart kids are today.
He can answer any question
that you can come up with
in 2 seconds off his phone.
He is a computer freak anyway,
but you ask any question
doesn't matter, world geography,
world history, a note in a
song written 300 hundred
years ago.
There it is.
When I was a kid I had to
believe my mother.
That's it that's all I had.
My mom where do rainbows
come from?
Well 3,000 years ago an 800
year old named Noah was
commissioned by the Lord to
build a giant ship,
and all the animals 2 by 2.
You try and run that crap
by a kid today they're
like click, click
bullshit.
Click, click, porn!
People fucking on my phone.
If my mother didn't know the
answer to a question I had to
go to the library.
Which is a building, where
they used to store the
knowledge.
Now it's just a place where
homeless people piss.
My mother used to drop
me off at the library
when I was a kid,
I was always so intimidated
by it because it was so big
and you had to be quiet cause
the knowledge is sleeping.
You had to learn a decibel
system made up by some
fuck named Dewey.
Then you had to peruse a 100
thousand square foot building
with volumes of knowledge
from floor to ceiling,
from ceiling to floor.
You had to cross reference
Dewey's bullshit with the
author's name and the card
catalog,
and you finally get to the
place where the knowledge you
seek suppose to be and it
might not fucking be there.
Where's the knowledge that I
seek?
Yes somebody else has got it.
When are they going to bring
it back?
They keep it for a month for a
nickel.
How am I supposed to learn
what I need to know?
You ask your mother?
My mother doesn't know how
to work a projector...
[laughter]
She's in dental school
for fuck sake.
Don't try and do the math
on that bit it will just
fuck you up.
This one guy actually stopped
my show a few weeks ago,
and he goes, now wait a minute
if this summer you were back
in Las Vegas that's when you
broke your tooth.
That's when your mother went
to dental school and now your
7 years old and you say your
mother was already in dental
school.
What?
Dude really?
You had no problem with
Pearl jumping on my
stomach and
saying she can have all babies
at the same time,
but the math on this one
joke got you so fucked up
you just have to talk.
I tell you the internet
changed everything man.
Certainly changed the way
people don't buy music.
You know, the record industry
is on its ear man,
because what they manufacture
became easier to steal
than it is to buy.
And that's just a fact of
nature these days.
And they'll figure it out.
They used to sell millions of
comedy albums,
now its hard to sell them just
cause it's so easy to rip it off
just click, click out of my
IRA in to your I fucking pod.
[laughter]
When I was a kid you had to
get a ride to Sears,
which is a building.
You had to find the record
department on your own.
Then you had to cram a
12 inch by 12 inch album
down your shorts,
then you had to "Spongebob
Squarepants it"
with Led Zeppelin 2 crammed
down your fucking pants
hoping no body was going
to catch your ass.
That's stealing music.
[laughter]
We didn't have Viagra you had
to like somebody to fuck them.
[laughter]
I'm kidding you didn't either,
you didn't either.
You could grudge fuck the hell
out of them.
We didn't have blue mountains
on our beer cans to tell you
if they were cold.
You had to open the
refrigerator reach in there
and touch that beer can or
you would never know.
[laughter]
But somebody somewhere went,
what if we only had some sort
of thermostat on each
individual can like a mountain
changing color to see the
optimum drink temperature.
Thank you rocky mountain,
even though your beer
taste like ass.
[laughter]
Those mountains should
turn brown.
So I tour, that's what I do, I
go from city to city to city
I've done it for 27 years I've
been coming to Austin all 27
of those years.
From the Velveeta room to
the laugh stop to the
Capitol City Comedy Club
to the Paramount,
to the Paramount,
to the Paramount, to the
Paramount it's my favorite
room
in the whole wide
fucking world man.
[applause]]
I tour with my wife usually and
I love to tour with my wife
because I only have
sex with my wife
I don't have sex
with other women.
I have been married 3 times
and that hasn't always been
my policy.
When I was young I used to
talk to my cousins about this
race we were going to have to
see who gets married first
I came in 2nd, 4th, and 7th.
[laughter]
I feel like my wife mislead me
a little bit when we first
started got together.
When we first got together she
was all about,
you know what I don't ever
want to have children.
I'm just one of those women
that never felt the urge to
give birth and I don't like
real diamonds.
I don't like them cause of
that blood diamond thing;
you know what I like to do
suck dick and cook.
To suck dick and like to cook,
in fact when I'm not cooking
I'm sucking dick and when I'm
not sucking dick I am cooking.
In fact if there was a way I
could suck your dick while I
was cooking, if we got a
stool and you stood on it
and I could blow you while
I'm scrambling some eggs
wearing fake jewelry,
not having a baby
all at the same time.
That would be heaven for me.
Fa fa me too!
Cut to 5 years later she's
on the phone with China
trying to adopt a baby.
She has a diamond on her
finger looks like a solar
fucking heating unit; I'm
jacking off eating a tv
dinner.
[laughter]
I wonder what she's got on
underneath that Snuggie?
[laughter]
I bet she is naked as shit
under that Snuggie.
We have a great sex life.
You ever sixty-nine someone
so long you started to miss
each other.
Then the snow turned to rain.
I love you.
April, may, I need some food,
and we both could use a shave.
[laughter]
We did it so long one time it
turned into another number.
[laughter]
What is this a 71?
You got your toe in my nose
what the fuck.
My wife has a new move in the
bedroom.
My wife's new move in the
bedroom is look at me,
look at me.
Open your eyes Ron...
And look at me, and that's a
lot of pressure.
It is to look in the eyes of
the women you love while your
making love and to look
deep into her soul
and still see another woman.
What the fuck are you doing
here?
I thought you got hit by a bus.
I'm great at sex I come every
time.
I'm like 4,000 in a row or some
ridiculous god damn number,
I'm gifted really I guess.
My wife is maybe a third as
good as me.
I don't think she is trying.
I asked her the other day
what's the problem here baby?
Well for one thing there
is a fat sweaty guy
laying on top of me.
[laughter]
Well that break my
concentration,
get off me dude I'm trying
to come.
That's not true right before
I come I have the focus
of a Navy Seal.
Afterwards I lay there like a
wounded Manatee.
[laughter]
Poke him with a stick see if
he moves.
My wife gives the best head if
you ever have a chance.
[laughter]
The first time my wife gave me
a blowjob my hands went numb,
I'm either having a stroke or
this girl knows her way
around a wiener.
I told her when she got
finished that was the best
damn blowjob I've ever had in
my life by a lot.
She goes I know it's kind of
weird because I used to be not
so good at it.
I was talking to my friend Ted,
the florist, that lives down
the street and just asked him
how he does it.
[laughter]
You suck my dick like Ted the
florist?!
[laughter]
That motherfucker knows what
he's doing I'll tell you that.
Now every time I see ted I
tell him you should open a
school dude.
Call it Ted's head.
Tulips for every occasion.
You could open a head
and breakfast,
[laughter]
And then what would my
slogan be?
Food it's the only thing that
doesn't suck.
[laughter]
You guys have been fantastic.
I'm going to close with my,
oh...
[laughter]
So nobody is watching the dogs
I guess.
I'll try to get pearl to play
bite my face.
Pearl's favorite thing, she
can have all my babies at the
same time, her favorite thing
in the world is for me to bite
her face, because she is like
a billy goat fucking elbow,
it has no feeling in it.
So I lay down on the floor,
sometimes,
she didn't do it last show so
you have to be quiet.
If 1 tell her to bite my face,
she will run up and jump up
and bite my face.
Pearl who wants to play bite
my face.
[laughter]
[laughter]
[laughter]
That went way better then I
thought it would.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna to close
the show this evening with uh
my Dr. Phil story.
Dr. Phil McGraw is a friend
of mine.
We play golf together all the
time out in Los Angeles and uh
he is a great guy you
never know.
We became friends from him
being a fan.
And uh you never know you see
somebody on tv what they are
going to be like in person.
Doc's a solid fucking dude I
guarantee you that.
He's straight as can be he's a
great fucking hang.
And he's a great asset for me,
my father passed away when I
was young and now I'm in this
big business world.
And uh I can bounce all
these things I got going on
off of Doc and his 35 lawyers.
[laughter]
And that's a big deal for me
and I'm really good friends
with his son Jay McGraw and
anyway the other day I was
talking to my son about
self-esteem,
and a few days later I was
playing golf with Doc.
I said, Doc if you were going
to tell somebody one thing to
do make them feel better about
who they are what would it be?
And he said finish the things
you start and I said well
that's brilliant, and I went
home there was half a bottle
of scotch sitting on the
counter.
[laughter]
I think I know what he's
getting at.
That's not my Dr. Phil story,
here's my Dr. Phil story.
Every year Doc and his family
rent a yacht for 12 days in
the Mediterranean and that's
their vacation.
It's the only way he can get
away you know.
Cause he is the most famous
person in America,
he is the most recognizable
face,
6 foot 4, bald dome head, porn
mustache.
You can stop him from any
fucking where.
And because he seems so
approachable on television and
he really is approachable, I
mean he's a sweetheart of a
dude.
But people are always, when he
goes out in public,
what what about this.
That's fine at first, but
eventually it will eat
the skin
off your fucking bones.
If you can't walk out of your
house without somebody going.
Hey my brother-in-law is all
fucked up in the head,
I was wondering if you can stick
around for just a second...
Come back here.
Asshole!
And that's exactly how it
happens I've seen it,
so that's what they do.
Well last, this summer my wife
and I went on vacation to
France and Monaco.
And I need a break too
sometimes I do 140 cities
a year
I work; I do more dates
than any other comic.
More cities than any other
comic working today
because I just love
fucking doing it.
And twenty minutes from now
nobody is going to give a fuck
about what I have to say so
while they do I believe I'll
do a lot of shows.
Hey!
So we're in France and Monaco.
Having a great time, I'm
really in love with my wife
she is so talented.
We have a fun life together,
we're there and then one day
the phone rings and its Doc.
He goes aren't you guys in
Monaco?
I said yeah.
He goes we're going to be in
Monaco tomorrow why don't you
guys come party on the yacht?
I said fuck yeah.
[laughter]
Which is what you say if
somebody says you want to come
party on the yacht.
Fuck yeah.
In fact lets try it one
time, you want to come
party on the yacht?
Fuck yeah.
I don't have a yacht.
[laughter]
So I was like yeah fuck this
is great,
man we're excited.
We're were staying in the
Fairmont Hotel overlooking the
little yacht harbor in Monaco.
We were down there looking at
the yachts the day before.
We were like wouldn't it be
cool if you knew somebody you
could hop on and just
throw down.
This is everybody's yacht,
this is yacht heaven.
This is Steve Wynn's yacht,
Prince Albert of Monaco's
yacht.
This is that Russian dude with
the tiny giraffes.
[laughter]
Anyway they're coming in at
6:30 the next evening.
So the next morning we wake up,
the next afternoon we wake up.
We go have this amazing lunch.
We're drinking this great wine
from,
France probably if I had to
guess.
That'd be my guess, which
I did, have to guess.
France!
We have this great day, sex.
The next day we walk to down
to the harbor and sure enough
Doc is backing in a 165
foot yacht.
I don't know if that's how
they do it or not.
The only way to get on the
yacht is to walk up this
gangplank to get on the yacht.
I'm walking on the gangplank
going nobody's stopping me.
We get on the yacht and
there's our friends from
California half way around the
world,
are you fucking kidding me.
How much fun are we having,
I'm hugging everybody.
There's a bunch of people on
the yacht we're on.
Anytime I'm hugging you and
I'm in a strange place,
what I'm really just looking
over your shoulder trying to
find a bar.
That's why I'm turning you.
I see the bar and right in the
dead front center of the bar
is a bottle of famous Black
Grouse.
Which is a Scotch I started
drinking when I was in
Scotland for the Open
Championship at Turnburry.
You start looking at what the
Scots drink,
and that's what they drink.
And I'm like oh fuck yes.
They had a bottle of it and
its kind of hard to find.
The bartender poured me a big
old glass of whiskey,
way bigger then this one.
I'm in such a great mood, it
tasted better than any fucking
scotch tasted ever.
Good Lord that tasted like
butter honey aged in
Lindsay Lohan's pussy?
[laughter]
It tasted so good I decided to
skip dinner.
And just have a couple more of
them.
Scare me up another one of
these.
How about one more, alright.
1 hadn't had a drink since
lunch,
I was thirsty.
I was going at it.
Doc noticed I was really
drinking hard,
he goes boy you're really
drinking tonight Ron.
I said yeah, Doc some nights it
just tastes like spring water.
He goes why don't you just
drink spring water Ron?
[laughter]
I don't know I'm not a fucking
doctor.
[laughter]
So this is going on for
fucking hours.
Now they really love
Margo, they really love
my wife Margo.
Margo has sung on Dr. Phil's
show a few times,
and they go everywhere to see
her.
Margo is a four and a half
octave classical trained opera
singer that sings rock and
roll and jazz,
and whatever, she's been
singing here for years.
Robin McGraw loves to goad my
wife into singing,
and my wife loves to be goaded
into singing.
So they make a great little
fucking team.
So were on the back of this
yacht.
Robin goes come on Margo sing
for us.
Margo gets up, there's people
on the back partying of all
these yachts and bars on the
pier.
Margo gets up, and they love
jazz in France and Monaco.
They have jazz clubs all over
the place.
She gets up and sings a jazz
standard,
at full voice.
I don't get to hear her at
full voice.
When she sings at full voice I
cry.
She finishes the first song at
full voice all the people on
these yachts stood up and
started cheering.
I forgot they're huge jazz
fans in France and Monaco.
She gets up does another song,
people are cheering.
People gathered up around
the back of this boat
by song four, there's 400 people
behind the boat, listening to
her sing
you can hear a pin drop, and
she is just killing it.
I have a little secret.
I'm fucking hammered man, I'm
so drunk.
I can't even believe it my
fucking self how drunk I am.
I'm like Jesus Christ.
I would get a drink and I'd
take one little sip out of it
and talk to somebody,
then look back and its empty.
I'm like is anyone else
drinking out of this glass.
[laughter]
Miscalculations - she does like
7-8 songs,
she goes, okay guys that's
enough.
She sits down and Doc goes
well Ron you wanna do
something?
[laughter]
I've got to preface this with
Doc's on vacation with his
best friend and head
lawyer and his wife,
Mary Pat.
They're Baptists from Dallas,
they're a little fucking
straight.
[laughter]
They're about to find out
my secret.
[laughter]
About 20 years ago I was doing
a bit that was so vile,
that I only did it for
about a week.
Then I quit doing it, because
this is not the direction I
want to take my crowds or my
show.
I have no idea why I picked
that night to dust her off
and take her for a spin.
[laughter]
The other day I was tit
fucking Mamie Eisenhower.
Right before I came, my dick
slipped and when straight down
her tracheal tubes.
Here's the moral question, do
you pull out or dump a load
into her lungs?
Yachts are pulling up anchor
on both sides of us as fast as
they can pull them up.
They're leaving the harbor so
fast there's a surfable wake.
There is stampede of tiny
giraffes diving off the pier.
Swimming towards the ocean and
certain death.
People are pulling their kids
off the pier.
I don't think they heard me
I'm going to do it again.
Doc goes that's enough out of
you Ron.
Margo is tapping me out.
You ever been tapped out.
Let's go baby, time to go
she's seen it.
Come on baby its time for us
to go back to the hotel.
Come on Ron.
Mumbles.
I speak fluent drunk, that
means I don't know why you
want to leave I'm having a
perfectly good time.
It turns out there was a
consensus.
[laughter]
Okay I'll leave.
The only way to get off this
yacht is to walk back off that
gangplank.
At the end of that gang plank
there is a 18" drop off.
My wife's in front of me,
Margo is in front of me,
then I get to the end of the
gangplank,
and Doc goes big step Ron.
I say thanks Doc, thinking I
made a big step towards
something.
I don't know he is the big
psychologist,
not me.
It's amazing how much speed
you can pick up in 18",
[laughter]
It's nothing like falling over
on the same level that you're
already on.
I slammed down to that
fucking pier,
I landed square on this elbow,
dislocated this shoulder,
put a 4 inch gash down the
back of my arm and I was so
drunk I bounced off that pier.
[laughter]
Fade to black.
I wake up the next morning
with the shoo buddies.
All I can do is lay there in
bed,
and go shoo buddy.
I can't move my shoulder,
shoo buddy.
My shirt stuck to my arm with
blood and giraffe hair and
whatever the fuck else you
find on a pier,
shoo buddy.
I have a wet jolly rancher in
my armpit.
Sour apple.
Had to cut it out with a pair
of scissors.
You almost can't eat them
after that.
[laughter]
Shoo buddy.
I slowly open my aching
fucking eyes,
and there's Margo.
[laughter]
What happened?
[laughter]
You got really drunk last
night Ron.
What did I do?
Well you did the tit fucking
Mamie Eisenhower story.
Did Mary Pat laugh?
[laughter]
Mary Pat left is what
Mary Pat did.
Shoo buddy.
You think they're going to
invite us back over to party
on the yacht today?
She goes I don't know what's
going to happen now Ron
I don't know.
She walks out of the room,
slams the door.
I just start berating myself.
Why do you do that Ron?
Why do get so drunk it ruins
things for other people.
Why can't you just drink like
a regular god damn person?
You have a wonderful son,
a beautiful wife and
great career.
Why don't you make some
changes in your life that will
make a difference in the
long run.
About then the phone rang and
it was Doc and he goes are you
guys going to come party on
the yacht and I go fuck yeah.
[laughter]
Thanks for playing along.
I've never performed for a
better crowd in my god damn
life.
Bless you hearts for listening
so intently.
Thank you.
[applause]
I told you to shut up.
[instrumental music]
[car horn blowing]
Hey baby!
What the hell are you doing?
What?!
Ron you promised.
You know how I get when all
that jabbering starts.
Hell that just makes me crazy
sometimes.
You know how I am.
Get in.
You have a show to do in
four hours.
Oh baby we're going to make it
to that show.
You don't worry about that.
You just get this Cadillac
fired up and headed towards
Austin.
Jabbering.
[instrumental music]
[applause]
Alright!
Bye baby!
[applause]
Austin TX, how the hell are ya?
It's great to be back.
It is so great to be back in
Austin TX,
man I just have so much fun
whenever I am here.
I see so many friends, thanks
for coming out.
I was in Bakersfield,
California Wednesday night,
boy you people think you
people are stupid.
[laughter]
The last time I was
Austin was the first time I
was ever blatantly
been offered a 3 way
and I turned it down because
it was one of those deals
where it was two dudes and me.
I don't even watch 2 1/2 men.
We flew in for Los Angeles and
we were at LAX going through
screening and this guy is just
losing his fucking mind
because I guess he doesn't
travel that much and he just
isn't used to this equipment
and he is just going crazy.
You know you can have fun with
that,
you can do what I do..
I take two Viagra and demand a
pat down.
[laughter]
What's that in your pants
Mr. White?
I have no idea.
[laughter]
You are going to need to pat
that down.
Pat it back up again.
Give it a couple twists, see
if it's hooked to anything.
You might want to go wash
your hands.
I started this tour this
summer in Las Vegas and while
I was in Vegas I broke this
tooth... off at the gum line in
an alcohol swimming pool
related incident.
[laughter]
I had a show to do in 4 hours,
I was drunk and missing a tooth.
It looked a little
unprofessional,
not to me but to the fine
folks at the Mirage
it god damn sure did.
I told them you've got to get
a dentist to patch this up,
I will not go on stage looking
like this because this tooth
doesn't look that big until
it is gone.
They found an all night
dental school;
this dentist is 14 years old.
He hooks up to the gas and I
don't feel anything,
I am like dude you need to
turn this gas up.
He says “the are regulations
of the state of Nevada stating
which code one section four”
fuck
and I asked him,
I said where did you go to
college?
He goes, Brigham Young, I am
like fuck dude turn it up to
Catholic.
[laughter]
Never let a Mormon set your
buzz level.
Never, don't do it.
And I'll tell you why, they
don't understand fucked up
the way you and I do.
They don't they are guessing
and they're shitty guessers.
When he got through with the
procedure,
you could still tell which
tooth he had worked on because
it was a different color.
My teeth looked like
Indian corn.
I had to go to my dentist who is
pitching veneers for my teeth
because he says I am
doing wide screen,
high definition television,
which is nobody's friend.
Man every actor I know in
Hollywood would rather have
low definition narrow screen
TV's so they look thin and
fuzzy instead of clearly fat.
[laughter]
I would like to see my dick on
a widescreen tv.
That way I can quit looking at
through my reading glasses.
[laughter]
Put these on baby.
[laughter]
It looks bigger than it feels.
I had no idea how expensive
veneers were man.
They wanted to do 8 teeth
on the top and 6 teeth
on the bottom.
And I was like well how
much does that cost
and he said $27,500.
Fuck, how much is dental school,
I'll teach my mother how
to do it.
You are going back to
college mom,
I never went to college, well
this will be fun for you then
was a weird week and I knew
it was going to be a weird
week because it
started off weird.
I was going to go Vegas a
day early to do some media
and I wanted to see this
show called love that's
also at the Mirage
Beatles Cirque du Soleil show
fantastic fucking show.
So I was talking to my wife,
my wife and I live in Atlanta
and
Hollywood and we were out in
California
I said I am leaving today at
3:30 to go to Las Vegas and
I have airplane that
you guys bought me.
I like it a lot.
Half the fortune 500 companies
in America have let go
of their private jets,
not Ron White, Inc.
I am flying that son of a
bitch straight into
bankruptcy.
[laughter]
I guarantee you, one day
I will be living in a
double wide
trailer with shag carpet and
I'll have a jet with weeds
growing through it.
I will be in the front seat
going push me around some.
And I don't come from money,
I come from the opposite
of money, I come from no money.
[laughter]
Ten years ago I lived in
a camper in my friend's
back yard,
he didn't even know I was there.
It wasn't even a nice
camper it was like a
homemade pop up camper,
it looked like someone
had duct taped a tent
to a golf cart.
I had a twenty-inch Coleman
television.
I had to pump it up during
commercials.
You couldn't watch porn on
it because nobody's that
coordinated.
[laughter]
I was broke.
I owed the IRS a bunch
of money because
I don't understand
how that works,
it's confusing.
When I started doing stand up,
they said that made me an
independent contractor and I
needed to start filing my
taxes quarterly, which I
thought meant every 25 years.
[laughter]
My brain won't wrap itself
around shit that complicated
man my brain does this, that's
it that's all it does.
I have ADD, I have a learning
disability I don't have a high
school diploma.
I am smart but you can't prove
it on paper.
[laughter]
I do have a GED and you don't
know what GED stands for then
you probably got one too.
[laughter]
Anyway I told my wife I said
that I am leaving today at 3:30
to go to Vegas and my wife
is singer/songwriter
composer Margot Rey is her name,
a brilliantly talented woman
and she says well I am working
with a guitar player in the
studio until 5:00,
you can't wait until 5:30 so
I can fly with you and I say
can you be there at
5:30 and she said yes,
which I knew was a lie
because she is the
biggest liar
I have ever met in my life.
When it comes to how
long it is going to take
her to get somewhere,
I hear her on the
phone all the time
just lying through her teeth,
"we are two exits away,
traffic is really heavy, we
should be there in 15 minutes.”
I am like you are the
fucking bathtub.
[laughter]
We wouldn't be there in
15 minutes if we were
where you said we were.
But I told her, if you get
there at 5:30 then you can fly
with me but let me tell you
something sugar tits at 5:31
I am wheels up and
I fucking gone.
I said that,
[laughter]
Not very loud,
[laughter]
But I said it.
5:31 gets there, is she there
no,
do I leave? No.
[laughter]
6:01 gets there
is she there,
no, do I leave no.
Why?
Because this dick won't suck
itself that's why,
[laughter]
It won't I have asked it
to many, many times.
If fact the other day, I sat
my dick down I looked him
straight in the eye and I said
listen.
I know I have drug you into
some pretty muddy shit in
the last 35 years but I
need you to get past that,
learn how to suck yourself so
I can grow a spine and get on
with my god damn life.
It went in one ear and
out the other.
My dick has ears, it has an
eye and it has two ears
and a double chin,
Mr. Potato dick.
The cutest thing you have
ever saw.
I have little outfits
I put on him.
One of them's a raincoat.
Not a condom, a raincoat.
A little yellow slicker with
that hat looks like that
fish and chips dude.
It is the exact same size as
the one on the box.
That's just an interesting fact.
What is it Ron, an
interesting fact.
So we go see love and Beatles
Cirque du Soleil show,
huge fan of the Beatles.
I just love their music, always
have and the Cirque is always
fun and our shows are always
at the same time so I have
never been able to see I
I got 8 people from my camp,
my wife sitting next to me.
We have great seats because I
work for the Mirage.
Everything is perfect except,
right behind me
these two chicks are just
jabbering,
not about the show just
jabbering jabber jabber can't
shut up jabber jabber
won't shut up jabber
fucking jabber fucking jabber.
The kind of chicks that could
talk around a blow job.
Mumble mumble I told him the
other day...
If I come home one more time
and that baby has a shitty
diaper wrapped around his ass
I am gonna...
Mumble mumble!
I'm going to go get a dress to
wear to Arbys...
And I turned around and looked
and I noticed their husbands
weren't with them, I figured
they were at a gunshow trying
to find a way out of this
fucking thing.
[laughter]
Oh that's way better.
Then I hear a guy next to them
say hey can you keep it down
my family is trying to watch
the show and she goes
fuck you, we paid our
money we will do whatever
the hell we want.
I am just steaming fucking
pissed they are ruining my
god damn night I can't
hear anything but that,
I have been waiting a year to
see this fucking show.
So I turn around and very
politely,
[laughter]
Don't start with me, very
politely I say lady talking
during a live theatre as far
as social skills goes is like
shitting in the street.
She said you better mind your
own business,
I said you better quit
shitting in the street.
[laughter]
She said I'll have thrown out
of here,
I said if you don't quit
flapping your fucking
cockholster.
[laughter]
Everybody heard that
before it was a little
disturbance
right behind me after very
few people were privy
to that one then 1700 people
hear me go, if you don't quit
flapping your fucking
cockholster.
[laughter]
This is all at a show called
love by the way.
[laughter]
I had her murdered and buried
in the desert.
It's Vegas baby, careful who
you fuck with.
And legend has it if you go
out into the desert and the
moon is full and
the wind dies down
you can still hear
her jabbering.
[laughter]
I am a street shitter, I am
shitting in the street.
Did you what the fuck was that,
that is that chick Ron killed.
They call this jabber gulch.
My favorite thing about
playing Vegas is I get to play
this golf course called Shadow
Creek which is one if the most
exclusive golf courses in the
world.
I worked for them for 3
years and didn't even
know it existed.
Because they knew if I found
out it existed,
I'd pester the fuck out of
them until they put it in my
contract.
Which is exactly what happened.
It is amazing, this golf
course is so fucking
tricked out.
The first time I walked
through the gates,
I was like nobody is
stopping me...
It is where all the pros
play when they're in Vegas
and I was out there this summer
and Tiger Woods was out there,
just dicking around.
[laughter]
I made him sign my golf
clubs I mean he is the
most famous person
I have ever met and I know
a lot of famous people
but nobody as famous as Tiger
fucking Woods.
I love Tiger man, I defended
tiger when all that stuff
first came out.
When I heard those initial
rumors I felt sick to my
god damn stomach for the guy
because I have never been
accused of doing anything I
didn't do.
[laughter]
Not one god damn time, I did
it every single time.
Not once could I go no that
was Glen Campbell.
[laughter]
Hey a lot of things smell
like strippers.
And I defended him to my wife.
I said you don't know what
that guy has been through.
He hit his first famous golf
shot on tv when he was
2 years old, you don't what
his home life is like,
you can't judge a guy because
he made one mistake.
Then he gets caught
with number 13, 14,
15,16, and 17.
I start going god damn Tiger,
come on buddy.
And it got to the point where
every time he got caught with
another woman, my wife would
go like this.
[laughter]
what?
I don't even know the
fucking guy,
you act like I was holding his
dick the whole time.
We watched him make that long
apology on television and
afterwards my wife goes "do
you think a guy like Tiger can
quit cheating on his wife?"
And I said... [laughs]
[laughter]
You bet.
[laughter]
Which you know is bullshit
because you know just as well
as I do, if a guy likes
strange getting him to quit
liking strange is like getting
a dog who likes to kill
chickens to quit killing
chickens.
They don't even know what you
are talking about.
You gotta quit killing chickens
alright let me see if
I got this straight,
I can still kill chickens.
[laughter]
No you can't kill chickens
anymore.
Alright, lets say I am a hotel
room with a chicken.
Let's say the chicken just
wants to touch me,
[laughter]
Can I kill that chicken?
No.
My wife told me all women want
the same thing,
they want to marry someone who
will never have sex with
anyone else no matter what.
I said well maybe you should
consider marrying somebody
that nobody else wants to fuck.
[laughter]
If it means that much to you.
Don't marry the most famous
golfer in the world.
Marry the most famous frisbee
golfer in the world.
Ain't no line to fuck that dude.
We had a chat about cheating
that day.
My wife told me, she goes
listen Ron lets get this
straight, sex is sex period.
I said no now oral sex is not
the same as intercourse,
she said it is the exact same.
I said it's not the same price.
[laughter]
I heard that on the radio.
It all comes down to
opportunity some guys are put
into a position where they
have to say no to beautiful
women and that is hard to do
and some guys are never put in
the position and that is way
fucking easier.
[laughter]
I see these big 350 pound guys
saying I have never cheated on
my wife and I was like, I bet
that was tough.
[laughter]
Tiger doesn't get any
credit for all the pussy
he turned down
and that is the number
you are looking for
right there.
My wife's best friend, her
husband cheated on her and
my wife hates Tiger's guts and I
said well what about that guy?
You don't hate that guy.
She goes, he did it one time.
I said he had one chance.
This guy had sex with 100% of
the women he possibly could
his entire god damn life Tiger
was 18 for 82,000
that takes a little god
damn discipline right there.
[laughter]
If 82,000 women want to have
sex with you and you only fuck
18 of them, that's love.
[laughter]
He was in love with that woman.
She broke his tiny Tiger heart.
He lost all those sponsors
which never made sense to me
because his core fan base is
men and I don't know one guy
in America who gave a fiddlers
fuck what he did.
I guarantee you not one guy in
America went,
really Tiger got some strange
pussy,
I am dropping AT&T.
[laughter]
Not one guy gave a
fiddlers fuck.
[laughter]
Now when they were around
their wives they acted like
they gave a fiddlers fuck and
get all foghorn leghorn,
why I never I can't believe, a
man would commit such
transgressions towards his wife,
I say I say how's his
relationship with the Lord
I'd like to know.
Then as soon as they are
around their buddies they are
like, I wonder what kind of
cologne he wears,
[laughter]
They want to smell just like
that dude man.
He lost some many sponsors I
am thinking about bringing him
over to Ron White Inc not
because we need a new
face for the company,
I'd just love to have
someone around the house
to fade the heat when I fuck up.
[laughter]
Ron White you are the most
selfish prick I have ever met
in my life,
Tiger get in here,
[laughter]
You tell her what you did.
Ron White you are the finest
man I have ever known,
I shall fall to my bended knee
and suckle your penis.
[laughter]
Well thank you baby.
Slow down, watch out for
those ears.
[laughter]
My new years resolution this
year was to lose some weight
and try and get in better
shape and I was working out
yesterday and I hurt my fat.
[laughter]
I sprained my fat roll.
[laughter]
Everybody in my camp is on my
ass about taking better care
of myself and I am like what?
My wife bought me bicycle
thinking I may ride it,
it's for sale.
It's a good deal too, it's
like new.
It's got 750 yards on it.
[laughter]
My wife wants me to start
doing yoga with her and I said
look baby I am not that
flexible she goes you can bend
over and touch your toes
can't you and I said
the only way I can touch
my toes if someone cuts
them off
and hands them to me.
[laughter]
I can't even stand on one
foot unless someone is
shining a flashlight in my eye.
[laughter]
I thought this was funny, we
were at my wife's yoga school
the other day they have a
vegan restaurant there
and my wife goes why don't we
eat here we never eat here.
I said fine lets eat
here because this dick
won't suck itself.
It's all about compromise folks.
I take my tray around to all
the bean sprout piles and I
get to the cash register
and my tray is empty.
The purple dread lock kid
at the cash register goes
Mr. White aren't you going to
have something for lunch?
There's just nothing here that
I eat.
He picks up a piece of carrot
cake that is wrapped in
cellophane and says try this,
it's vegetarian.
The carrot cake is vegetarian?
Yeah.
So you mean to tell me there's
no ham in this,
[laughter]
Because my mother makes a
meat lovers carrot cake
that has sausage,
pepperoni, hamburger meat.
Not really heart healthy she
serves it with a Lipator and a
stint.
[laughter]
They have Snuggies now for
dogs and I love dogs but if I
ever see a dog wearing a
Snuggie I am going to kill it
because that's what I think
the dog would want me to do.
[laughter]
I think if all dogs go to
heaven,
Michael Vick is going to be
a little nervous if he
makes the cut.
[laughter]
There is going to be an
awkward pause at the
pearly gates.
Really they are all here?
Yeah seems like they're
waiting on you Mike.
I am going slip off to hell,
tell Bin Laden I said fuck you.
We got Bin Laden man,
it took 10 years.
It wasn't exactly a calf rope.
He was in that house for 6
years with 5 wives,
I would have shot my
fucking self.
[laughter]
I would have had my
head out the window
screaming at drones,
"I am over here.
[laughter]
Women - we have a little
french bulldog named Pearl.
The other day my wife said I
finally figured it out,
that dog is jealous of me.
That dog loves you so much she
can't stand it if I am in the
same room with you.
I said don't be
ridiculous and when she
walked into the kitchen,
Pearl jumped on my
stomach and said
I can have all your
babies at the same time.
[laughter]
She's coming back act like
nothing is going on,
nothing is going on.
I didn't know whether to
buy more of that weed or
to never smoke it again.
[laughter]
I went with A.
[laughter]
I got busted with weed in
Florida last year.
Less than a gram of weed
and they took my happy
ass to jail.
I have been partying in
Florida for years,
I didn't even know
they had laws.
Look to me like everyone just
run amuck down there.
And I will run amuck with
ya, I will run the fuck out
of amuck with ya.
[laughter]
They took me to jail man and I
tell ya what happened I fired
these two pilots for being
dickheads.
They were such dickheads they
started following my plane
around on this software called
flight aware and if you know
the tail number you can
follow any plane in the
world anywhere it goes.
And before I would get to a
town they would call the cops
and tell them it was a
drug plane so the cops
would come fuck with me.
That is pretty fucking funny.
Then they were on the news in
Atlanta,
where I live, both of these
assholes live on the news
going Ron White is out of
control.
He gets drunk on his plane, he
smokes pot on his plane,
he has sex on his plane.
And I am like, this is my
plane we are talking about
right?
[laughter]
It is not like I did that
shit on a Delta flight
for fuck sake.
[laughter]
No my phone is off.
[laughter]
My wife got pissed at me when
I got busted with that weed
and she smokes pot.
What the fuck is up with that?
I come home she goes you
smoke too much pot.
I said oh let me get
this straight.
You smoke the correct
amount of pot.
[laughter]
You ever smoked so much pot
your wife starts to make
sense...
Me either.
[laughter]
I have this reoccurring
dream that my wife gets
run over by a bus.
Does that make me a bad person?
I'm driving the bus.
Burrrrr!
Eeeerrrrr!
Ahahhhh, blup, blup, blup,
cha, cha, blup, blup,
blup, cha, cha,
rrrup, blup, blup, blup.
She's had enough.
Early last year in
Florida, in Sea World
of Florida an animal trainer
was killed by a Killer whale.
Huh...
Turns out there is a
reason they didn't name
them ocean ponies.
[laughter]
Some things are exactly as
they seem folks.
Killer whales kill, pilot
whales wear dark sunglasses.
I'm not sure how the sperm
whale got his name,
but I'm not getting into the
pool.
[laughter]
That whale got its job back.
They put that whale back in
the show.
And now when I first saw it on
the internet I'm like this
will be world news, wasn't
even news at all they put the
whale back, this whale
killed 3 people
this is a serial killer whale.
And he got his job back?
If that would have happened at
the sea word of Texas that
whale would've went straight
to the fucking electric pool.
And that's just a regular pool
with a toaster thrown in it.
People think they are
expensive to make
but its like 14 bucks.
You can reuse the
extension cord.
People don't know that.
Get another toaster.
They busted a sushi
restaurant last year in
L.A. selling whale.
They fined them 200,000 bucks.
That is so fucking wrong
man, to take a 50,000 pound
majestic animal and serve
it up two tiny slices at
a time.
Oh that's good, got any more?
Shit yeah we do.
We have a shit load.
We make a big commitment.
I don't know how it got caught.
Maybe that 14 foot fin hanging
out of the dumpster.
I should've closed the rid.
Yeah, probably should closed
the rid.
I live in Atlanta half the
year and last summer in
Atlanta an idiot teenager was
decapitated at a major
amusement park in Atlanta on a
very famous rollercoaster,
and now what I thought
happened was he was on the
ride stood up and got his head
cut off.
That's not what happened.
What happened was while he was
on the ride his hat flew off.
And when he got off the ride
he climbed over 2 fences and
went through 2 gates, telling
him not to,
to retrieve this hat.
Which it turns out he really
didn't need after all.
[laughter]
Why that story is dripping
with irony Mr. White.
This is the part of the
show that I prove my job
is better than yours.
Cheers.
You guys are fantastic.
Thank you so much for coming
out on Saturday and listening.
[applause]
I was at home last week and my
nephew called our house and
I never answer the phone
at my house ever,
and I think he was surprised
that I did.
He goes... uncle Ron... is
that you?
I said yeah it's me.
He goes uncle Ron did you know
its okay to be gay?
This is why I don't answer the
fucking phone at my house
right there.
[laughter]
Now it's my problem.
And your right it's okay
to be gay.
Do you know what gay means?
That's when a man likes a man
or a woman likes a woman,
but they can't have babies.
Pretty close.
You believe that a 6 year old,
this kid knows what gay means.
I didn't know what gay meant
till I started hitchhiking.
[laughter]
I wrote a book 7 silly
secrets truckers just
don't want you to know.
[laughter]
My wife and I are big fans of
the reality tv show on HBO
called Pornucopia Sex in the
Valley.
It's a reality show about the
pornography industry in the
San Fernando Valley, which is
where most of it's made.
And uh, we bought the first
season cause it's fucking
hilarious and this one episode
was about guys that were
straight porn stars but they
were doing gay porn cause it
pays 5 times the money.
They're interviewing this guy.
He goes yeah I was in a scene
yesterday with 5 guys at the
same time and I'm not even gay.
I was like you're gayer
than I am.
[laughter]
If you can even think about
what to do with 5 dicks at the
same time your way fucking
gayer than I am.
(hand gestures)
[laughter]
I was having... this is the gay
part of my show.
I was having dinner the other
night with this CBS executive
and uh who I've known for
years great fucking dude.
And he's gay and I've never
said a word to him about
being gay, I just knew that he
was and we are having dinner
in the Beverly Hills talking
about a potential show.
And this chick walks into the
restaurant,
this L.A. smoking fucking
hot man,
probably an actress or
model, and she was an ilf.
Which means I don't care
is she has children.
I don't think the letters line
up but that's what it means.
And she sits at a table kind
of near us by herself and I
had a couple of bottles of
wine with dinner and a couple
of scotches before that.
I was pretty drunk.
I said you mean to tell me
that does nothing for you?
And he looked at her and goes
not a thing.
I said you mean you would
rather have sex with me
than her?
Not by much.
[laughter]
What if I lost some weight,
I'm doing yoga, and I'm
eating ham free carrot cake.
My dick has ears.
[laughter]
That's my favorite thing about
L.A. The people out there are
so god damn pretty.
I'll tell you how it happened
back in the 20's they started
making movies out there, and
when they did all these
beautiful people from
all over America flocked
the fuck out there
to be in the movies and
they couldn't all be in
the movies.
Some of them got regular jobs
but they met those people who
were in the movies.
They got together and had
beautiful babies and those
babies grew and met other
babies from the same area.
They got together and had even
more beautiful babies,
and almost the exact opposite
thing is happening right now
in Kansas.
[laughter]
Kansas is full of ugly quitters.
Have you ever been there?
It's true those people that
live on the fucking west coast
their forefathers got on the
Oregon trail fought hardships
you and I couldn't dream of,
with starvation and weather,
crossing the Rocky mountains.
Not those people in Kansas,
their forefathers got on the
Oregon Trail St. Louis,
Missouri they got to Kansas
said fuck it I'm staying here
and I'm going to fuck that
fat girl right over there.
[laughter]
We had a baby it looks like
a potato.
And that potato grew up and
met another potato from the
same town and abracadabra
Topeka.
My wife came home from the
store the other day and she
goes I was in the produce
department today and this guy
told me I was beautiful,
well baby he's right
you are beautiful.
Yeah but he said it.
Well I'm saying it now you're
beautiful.
Yeah but he said it.
Really you ever overdraw his
checking account?
[laughter]
You ever drive his brand new
Mercedes straight through the
fucking garage door.
That ever happened to that guy.
It happened to me and I think
your so hot I fuck you anyway.
And if your one of these
guys going around the
grocery stores
telling married women
they're beautiful,
hey fuck you!
Kill your own chicken you
mother chicken killing.
My wife's best friend has an
autistic child named Louis.
Louis is 12 years old, he's
the sweetest child I have
ever known.
I've known him since he was 6.
We were at their house
labor day,
Louis informed me that he was
gonna run the 40 yard dash for
the Special Olympics at
Wynnett High School
where I live in Atlanta.
He asked me if I'd come hoot
for him.
I said Louis I'd love to come
hoot for you I just need to
check my schedule and he goes
we checked it you're clear.
[laughter]
Well then I'm your man, Louis.
And I got to admit I was
dreading it,
and then I ended up having fun.
I thought it was going
to be sad that's why I
was dreading it.
It's a celebration is
what it is.
People are tailgating
they're not painting their
faces and bellies blue,
but they're cooking
sausages getting hammered,
betting on these races.
[laughter]
Make no mistake about it they
are betting on these races.
And it's not easy to handicap
a race you got 17 special
needs kids in 6 lanes you
don't know what the fuck's
going to happen.
When they fire that starting
pistol they could scatter,
stop drop and roll.
We saw it all that day they're
not drug testing these kids.
[laughter]
And they announced the
40 yard dash and I was
making a little
wager on my man Louis which
I did for a 100 bucks and
I was looking down at
the track like I'm up
in the stands
I was trying to figure
out which one is Louis,
which isn't easy cause they
all wear the exact same thing.
They wear Special Olympics
t-shirts,
Special Olympics shorts which
they got that day.
But you can wear whatever
footwear you want.
And little Louis for whatever
reason had chosen yellow
rubber boots.
[laughter]
Which didn't make sense
at first but then it
started raining.
Fuck if this thing goes
off road,
I got a natural mudder and
Louis won.
The Yellow Blur.
[applause]]
That's what I call him now the
Yellow Blur.
He loves that nickname.
His mother called me the other
day and she goes will you
please call Louis the Yellow
Blur.
Put him on the phone.
You're the Yellow Bluuuur.
Bing!
It's not like professional
sports,
you go to a Lakers game
you wave at Kobe Bryant
till your arm falls off he
won't wave back to you.
Louis waved back to you in the
middle of the fucking race
he doesn't give a shit.
Louis is fan friendly.
Louis will stop and sign
an autograph,
the Yellow Blur.
I took my son tater tot to
Europe this summer.
[applause]
My son is 21 years old now,
he's in college getting his
masters in entertainment
business.
He's a great kid man he's, I'm
so proud of him.
He's smart, he's funny, he has
my brains high end peaks
without my low-end problems.
That some good god damn news
for daddy right there.
We've been monitoring it.
He's funny I was doing a
corporate gig in Orlando where
he goes to college and I was
backstage with him and I don't
get asked to do a ton of
corporate gigs cause what you
want your corporate image to be.
[laughter]
We were hoping for an
overweight alcoholic that
smokes and cusses.
Let's call Louis, see if
Ron's free.
Anyway I'm backstage in the
green room with my son.
And I wear wild socks and
because I do people give me
bizarre socks for
whatever reason,
and I'm backstage with my
son, I'm putting on these
weird socks
and Marshall goes, uh dad
those socks are gay.
I say chicks dig these socks;
he goes chicks wear those
socks.
[laughter]
All right he's my kid you can
stop those tests.
I love his mom.
His mom is great she's my
second wife;
I never argued with her ever
when she didn't want to be
married to somebody who was
always going to be on the road,
and the only argument I
remember having with her was
when he was a toddler about
whether or not to spank him.
Her contention was if you had
an argument with an adult and
disagreed with them, you
certainly wouldn't hit them.
I said I would if they peed
in my face.
[laughter]
I'm not kidding pee in my face
see what the fuck happens.
She busted him with internet
porn when he was 15,
and I felt so sorry for him.
She called me just squawking.
I felt horrible for the kid
because when I was 15 I was so
horny I could jack off
to the Sears catalog
and that's just big girl
panties and lawn mowers.
I can't imagine being 15 years
old and having an unstoppable
stream of pornography piped
straight into your god damn
bedroom.
When I was a kid I had to earn
porn man.
You had to wait till your
friends dad went
out of town on business.
You had to pull down a
wrink-a-dee spring-loaded
attic ladder, you had to crawl
up into a dusty spider ridden
fucking crawl space, forge
through cardboard boxes until
you find a 8mm reel.
Then what?
Learn how to work a fucking
projector,
that's what!
[laughter]
And after all that you got
silent bushy porn.
And if there was a sound track
it was always something fucked
up you couldn't understand it.
Is he going to stick his
finger in her ear?
No his penis is in her rear
watch the movie.
We had one friend that was two
years younger than us,
and he went she put it in
her mouth!
I didn't know she was going to
put it in her mouth.
She's going to need to brush
her teeth.
[laughter]
Not yet but she will
watch the film.
Note to self: put it in
her mouth.
So Laurie, that's my ex wife,
she goes you're going to need
to talk to your son about sex,
it's time.
I said well you're right it is.
She goes when are you going
to do it Ron?
I said he's going to be at the
house this weekend,
so I'll talk to him then.
I said okay fine.
Marshall turn off the
television.
Turn it off I need to talk
to you.
Alright.
I said I want to talk to you
about sex.
He goes oh dad come on.
I said no you're 15 years old
it's time we had this talk,
he goes okay.
I said the clitoris is as
sensitive as an eyeball...
[laughter]
[laughter]
Was that it?
That's all I got.
[laughter]
Don't go rubbing on it
I it's dry.
Turn that tv back on boy.
What about safe sex dad?
It's never safe their husbands
always come home that's a
fucking myth.
He's so smart; I can't believe
how smart kids are today.
He can answer any question
that you can come up with
in 2 seconds off his phone.
He is a computer freak anyway,
but you ask any question
doesn't matter, world geography,
world history, a note in a
song written 300 hundred
years ago.
There it is.
When I was a kid I had to
believe my mother.
That's it that's all I had.
My mom where do rainbows
come from?
Well 3,000 years ago an 800
year old named Noah was
commissioned by the Lord to
build a giant ship,
and all the animals 2 by 2.
You try and run that crap
by a kid today they're
like click, click
bullshit.
Click, click, porn!
People fucking on my phone.
If my mother didn't know the
answer to a question I had to
go to the library.
Which is a building, where
they used to store the
knowledge.
Now it's just a place where
homeless people piss.
My mother used to drop
me off at the library
when I was a kid,
I was always so intimidated
by it because it was so big
and you had to be quiet cause
the knowledge is sleeping.
You had to learn a decibel
system made up by some
fuck named Dewey.
Then you had to peruse a 100
thousand square foot building
with volumes of knowledge
from floor to ceiling,
from ceiling to floor.
You had to cross reference
Dewey's bullshit with the
author's name and the card
catalog,
and you finally get to the
place where the knowledge you
seek suppose to be and it
might not fucking be there.
Where's the knowledge that I
seek?
Yes somebody else has got it.
When are they going to bring
it back?
They keep it for a month for a
nickel.
How am I supposed to learn
what I need to know?
You ask your mother?
My mother doesn't know how
to work a projector...
[laughter]
She's in dental school
for fuck sake.
Don't try and do the math
on that bit it will just
fuck you up.
This one guy actually stopped
my show a few weeks ago,
and he goes, now wait a minute
if this summer you were back
in Las Vegas that's when you
broke your tooth.
That's when your mother went
to dental school and now your
7 years old and you say your
mother was already in dental
school.
What?
Dude really?
You had no problem with
Pearl jumping on my
stomach and
saying she can have all babies
at the same time,
but the math on this one
joke got you so fucked up
you just have to talk.
I tell you the internet
changed everything man.
Certainly changed the way
people don't buy music.
You know, the record industry
is on its ear man,
because what they manufacture
became easier to steal
than it is to buy.
And that's just a fact of
nature these days.
And they'll figure it out.
They used to sell millions of
comedy albums,
now its hard to sell them just
cause it's so easy to rip it off
just click, click out of my
IRA in to your I fucking pod.
[laughter]
When I was a kid you had to
get a ride to Sears,
which is a building.
You had to find the record
department on your own.
Then you had to cram a
12 inch by 12 inch album
down your shorts,
then you had to "Spongebob
Squarepants it"
with Led Zeppelin 2 crammed
down your fucking pants
hoping no body was going
to catch your ass.
That's stealing music.
[laughter]
We didn't have Viagra you had
to like somebody to fuck them.
[laughter]
I'm kidding you didn't either,
you didn't either.
You could grudge fuck the hell
out of them.
We didn't have blue mountains
on our beer cans to tell you
if they were cold.
You had to open the
refrigerator reach in there
and touch that beer can or
you would never know.
[laughter]
But somebody somewhere went,
what if we only had some sort
of thermostat on each
individual can like a mountain
changing color to see the
optimum drink temperature.
Thank you rocky mountain,
even though your beer
taste like ass.
[laughter]
Those mountains should
turn brown.
So I tour, that's what I do, I
go from city to city to city
I've done it for 27 years I've
been coming to Austin all 27
of those years.
From the Velveeta room to
the laugh stop to the
Capitol City Comedy Club
to the Paramount,
to the Paramount,
to the Paramount, to the
Paramount it's my favorite
room
in the whole wide
fucking world man.
[applause]]
I tour with my wife usually and
I love to tour with my wife
because I only have
sex with my wife
I don't have sex
with other women.
I have been married 3 times
and that hasn't always been
my policy.
When I was young I used to
talk to my cousins about this
race we were going to have to
see who gets married first
I came in 2nd, 4th, and 7th.
[laughter]
I feel like my wife mislead me
a little bit when we first
started got together.
When we first got together she
was all about,
you know what I don't ever
want to have children.
I'm just one of those women
that never felt the urge to
give birth and I don't like
real diamonds.
I don't like them cause of
that blood diamond thing;
you know what I like to do
suck dick and cook.
To suck dick and like to cook,
in fact when I'm not cooking
I'm sucking dick and when I'm
not sucking dick I am cooking.
In fact if there was a way I
could suck your dick while I
was cooking, if we got a
stool and you stood on it
and I could blow you while
I'm scrambling some eggs
wearing fake jewelry,
not having a baby
all at the same time.
That would be heaven for me.
Fa fa me too!
Cut to 5 years later she's
on the phone with China
trying to adopt a baby.
She has a diamond on her
finger looks like a solar
fucking heating unit; I'm
jacking off eating a tv
dinner.
[laughter]
I wonder what she's got on
underneath that Snuggie?
[laughter]
I bet she is naked as shit
under that Snuggie.
We have a great sex life.
You ever sixty-nine someone
so long you started to miss
each other.
Then the snow turned to rain.
I love you.
April, may, I need some food,
and we both could use a shave.
[laughter]
We did it so long one time it
turned into another number.
[laughter]
What is this a 71?
You got your toe in my nose
what the fuck.
My wife has a new move in the
bedroom.
My wife's new move in the
bedroom is look at me,
look at me.
Open your eyes Ron...
And look at me, and that's a
lot of pressure.
It is to look in the eyes of
the women you love while your
making love and to look
deep into her soul
and still see another woman.
What the fuck are you doing
here?
I thought you got hit by a bus.
I'm great at sex I come every
time.
I'm like 4,000 in a row or some
ridiculous god damn number,
I'm gifted really I guess.
My wife is maybe a third as
good as me.
I don't think she is trying.
I asked her the other day
what's the problem here baby?
Well for one thing there
is a fat sweaty guy
laying on top of me.
[laughter]
Well that break my
concentration,
get off me dude I'm trying
to come.
That's not true right before
I come I have the focus
of a Navy Seal.
Afterwards I lay there like a
wounded Manatee.
[laughter]
Poke him with a stick see if
he moves.
My wife gives the best head if
you ever have a chance.
[laughter]
The first time my wife gave me
a blowjob my hands went numb,
I'm either having a stroke or
this girl knows her way
around a wiener.
I told her when she got
finished that was the best
damn blowjob I've ever had in
my life by a lot.
She goes I know it's kind of
weird because I used to be not
so good at it.
I was talking to my friend Ted,
the florist, that lives down
the street and just asked him
how he does it.
[laughter]
You suck my dick like Ted the
florist?!
[laughter]
That motherfucker knows what
he's doing I'll tell you that.
Now every time I see ted I
tell him you should open a
school dude.
Call it Ted's head.
Tulips for every occasion.
You could open a head
and breakfast,
[laughter]
And then what would my
slogan be?
Food it's the only thing that
doesn't suck.
[laughter]
You guys have been fantastic.
I'm going to close with my,
oh...
[laughter]
So nobody is watching the dogs
I guess.
I'll try to get pearl to play
bite my face.
Pearl's favorite thing, she
can have all my babies at the
same time, her favorite thing
in the world is for me to bite
her face, because she is like
a billy goat fucking elbow,
it has no feeling in it.
So I lay down on the floor,
sometimes,
she didn't do it last show so
you have to be quiet.
If 1 tell her to bite my face,
she will run up and jump up
and bite my face.
Pearl who wants to play bite
my face.
[laughter]
[laughter]
[laughter]
That went way better then I
thought it would.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna to close
the show this evening with uh
my Dr. Phil story.
Dr. Phil McGraw is a friend
of mine.
We play golf together all the
time out in Los Angeles and uh
he is a great guy you
never know.
We became friends from him
being a fan.
And uh you never know you see
somebody on tv what they are
going to be like in person.
Doc's a solid fucking dude I
guarantee you that.
He's straight as can be he's a
great fucking hang.
And he's a great asset for me,
my father passed away when I
was young and now I'm in this
big business world.
And uh I can bounce all
these things I got going on
off of Doc and his 35 lawyers.
[laughter]
And that's a big deal for me
and I'm really good friends
with his son Jay McGraw and
anyway the other day I was
talking to my son about
self-esteem,
and a few days later I was
playing golf with Doc.
I said, Doc if you were going
to tell somebody one thing to
do make them feel better about
who they are what would it be?
And he said finish the things
you start and I said well
that's brilliant, and I went
home there was half a bottle
of scotch sitting on the
counter.
[laughter]
I think I know what he's
getting at.
That's not my Dr. Phil story,
here's my Dr. Phil story.
Every year Doc and his family
rent a yacht for 12 days in
the Mediterranean and that's
their vacation.
It's the only way he can get
away you know.
Cause he is the most famous
person in America,
he is the most recognizable
face,
6 foot 4, bald dome head, porn
mustache.
You can stop him from any
fucking where.
And because he seems so
approachable on television and
he really is approachable, I
mean he's a sweetheart of a
dude.
But people are always, when he
goes out in public,
what what about this.
That's fine at first, but
eventually it will eat
the skin
off your fucking bones.
If you can't walk out of your
house without somebody going.
Hey my brother-in-law is all
fucked up in the head,
I was wondering if you can stick
around for just a second...
Come back here.
Asshole!
And that's exactly how it
happens I've seen it,
so that's what they do.
Well last, this summer my wife
and I went on vacation to
France and Monaco.
And I need a break too
sometimes I do 140 cities
a year
I work; I do more dates
than any other comic.
More cities than any other
comic working today
because I just love
fucking doing it.
And twenty minutes from now
nobody is going to give a fuck
about what I have to say so
while they do I believe I'll
do a lot of shows.
Hey!
So we're in France and Monaco.
Having a great time, I'm
really in love with my wife
she is so talented.
We have a fun life together,
we're there and then one day
the phone rings and its Doc.
He goes aren't you guys in
Monaco?
I said yeah.
He goes we're going to be in
Monaco tomorrow why don't you
guys come party on the yacht?
I said fuck yeah.
[laughter]
Which is what you say if
somebody says you want to come
party on the yacht.
Fuck yeah.
In fact lets try it one
time, you want to come
party on the yacht?
Fuck yeah.
I don't have a yacht.
[laughter]
So I was like yeah fuck this
is great,
man we're excited.
We're were staying in the
Fairmont Hotel overlooking the
little yacht harbor in Monaco.
We were down there looking at
the yachts the day before.
We were like wouldn't it be
cool if you knew somebody you
could hop on and just
throw down.
This is everybody's yacht,
this is yacht heaven.
This is Steve Wynn's yacht,
Prince Albert of Monaco's
yacht.
This is that Russian dude with
the tiny giraffes.
[laughter]
Anyway they're coming in at
6:30 the next evening.
So the next morning we wake up,
the next afternoon we wake up.
We go have this amazing lunch.
We're drinking this great wine
from,
France probably if I had to
guess.
That'd be my guess, which
I did, have to guess.
France!
We have this great day, sex.
The next day we walk to down
to the harbor and sure enough
Doc is backing in a 165
foot yacht.
I don't know if that's how
they do it or not.
The only way to get on the
yacht is to walk up this
gangplank to get on the yacht.
I'm walking on the gangplank
going nobody's stopping me.
We get on the yacht and
there's our friends from
California half way around the
world,
are you fucking kidding me.
How much fun are we having,
I'm hugging everybody.
There's a bunch of people on
the yacht we're on.
Anytime I'm hugging you and
I'm in a strange place,
what I'm really just looking
over your shoulder trying to
find a bar.
That's why I'm turning you.
I see the bar and right in the
dead front center of the bar
is a bottle of famous Black
Grouse.
Which is a Scotch I started
drinking when I was in
Scotland for the Open
Championship at Turnburry.
You start looking at what the
Scots drink,
and that's what they drink.
And I'm like oh fuck yes.
They had a bottle of it and
its kind of hard to find.
The bartender poured me a big
old glass of whiskey,
way bigger then this one.
I'm in such a great mood, it
tasted better than any fucking
scotch tasted ever.
Good Lord that tasted like
butter honey aged in
Lindsay Lohan's pussy?
[laughter]
It tasted so good I decided to
skip dinner.
And just have a couple more of
them.
Scare me up another one of
these.
How about one more, alright.
1 hadn't had a drink since
lunch,
I was thirsty.
I was going at it.
Doc noticed I was really
drinking hard,
he goes boy you're really
drinking tonight Ron.
I said yeah, Doc some nights it
just tastes like spring water.
He goes why don't you just
drink spring water Ron?
[laughter]
I don't know I'm not a fucking
doctor.
[laughter]
So this is going on for
fucking hours.
Now they really love
Margo, they really love
my wife Margo.
Margo has sung on Dr. Phil's
show a few times,
and they go everywhere to see
her.
Margo is a four and a half
octave classical trained opera
singer that sings rock and
roll and jazz,
and whatever, she's been
singing here for years.
Robin McGraw loves to goad my
wife into singing,
and my wife loves to be goaded
into singing.
So they make a great little
fucking team.
So were on the back of this
yacht.
Robin goes come on Margo sing
for us.
Margo gets up, there's people
on the back partying of all
these yachts and bars on the
pier.
Margo gets up, and they love
jazz in France and Monaco.
They have jazz clubs all over
the place.
She gets up and sings a jazz
standard,
at full voice.
I don't get to hear her at
full voice.
When she sings at full voice I
cry.
She finishes the first song at
full voice all the people on
these yachts stood up and
started cheering.
I forgot they're huge jazz
fans in France and Monaco.
She gets up does another song,
people are cheering.
People gathered up around
the back of this boat
by song four, there's 400 people
behind the boat, listening to
her sing
you can hear a pin drop, and
she is just killing it.
I have a little secret.
I'm fucking hammered man, I'm
so drunk.
I can't even believe it my
fucking self how drunk I am.
I'm like Jesus Christ.
I would get a drink and I'd
take one little sip out of it
and talk to somebody,
then look back and its empty.
I'm like is anyone else
drinking out of this glass.
[laughter]
Miscalculations - she does like
7-8 songs,
she goes, okay guys that's
enough.
She sits down and Doc goes
well Ron you wanna do
something?
[laughter]
I've got to preface this with
Doc's on vacation with his
best friend and head
lawyer and his wife,
Mary Pat.
They're Baptists from Dallas,
they're a little fucking
straight.
[laughter]
They're about to find out
my secret.
[laughter]
About 20 years ago I was doing
a bit that was so vile,
that I only did it for
about a week.
Then I quit doing it, because
this is not the direction I
want to take my crowds or my
show.
I have no idea why I picked
that night to dust her off
and take her for a spin.
[laughter]
The other day I was tit
fucking Mamie Eisenhower.
Right before I came, my dick
slipped and when straight down
her tracheal tubes.
Here's the moral question, do
you pull out or dump a load
into her lungs?
Yachts are pulling up anchor
on both sides of us as fast as
they can pull them up.
They're leaving the harbor so
fast there's a surfable wake.
There is stampede of tiny
giraffes diving off the pier.
Swimming towards the ocean and
certain death.
People are pulling their kids
off the pier.
I don't think they heard me
I'm going to do it again.
Doc goes that's enough out of
you Ron.
Margo is tapping me out.
You ever been tapped out.
Let's go baby, time to go
she's seen it.
Come on baby its time for us
to go back to the hotel.
Come on Ron.
Mumbles.
I speak fluent drunk, that
means I don't know why you
want to leave I'm having a
perfectly good time.
It turns out there was a
consensus.
[laughter]
Okay I'll leave.
The only way to get off this
yacht is to walk back off that
gangplank.
At the end of that gang plank
there is a 18" drop off.
My wife's in front of me,
Margo is in front of me,
then I get to the end of the
gangplank,
and Doc goes big step Ron.
I say thanks Doc, thinking I
made a big step towards
something.
I don't know he is the big
psychologist,
not me.
It's amazing how much speed
you can pick up in 18",
[laughter]
It's nothing like falling over
on the same level that you're
already on.
I slammed down to that
fucking pier,
I landed square on this elbow,
dislocated this shoulder,
put a 4 inch gash down the
back of my arm and I was so
drunk I bounced off that pier.
[laughter]
Fade to black.
I wake up the next morning
with the shoo buddies.
All I can do is lay there in
bed,
and go shoo buddy.
I can't move my shoulder,
shoo buddy.
My shirt stuck to my arm with
blood and giraffe hair and
whatever the fuck else you
find on a pier,
shoo buddy.
I have a wet jolly rancher in
my armpit.
Sour apple.
Had to cut it out with a pair
of scissors.
You almost can't eat them
after that.
[laughter]
Shoo buddy.
I slowly open my aching
fucking eyes,
and there's Margo.
[laughter]
What happened?
[laughter]
You got really drunk last
night Ron.
What did I do?
Well you did the tit fucking
Mamie Eisenhower story.
Did Mary Pat laugh?
[laughter]
Mary Pat left is what
Mary Pat did.
Shoo buddy.
You think they're going to
invite us back over to party
on the yacht today?
She goes I don't know what's
going to happen now Ron
I don't know.
She walks out of the room,
slams the door.
I just start berating myself.
Why do you do that Ron?
Why do get so drunk it ruins
things for other people.
Why can't you just drink like
a regular god damn person?
You have a wonderful son,
a beautiful wife and
great career.
Why don't you make some
changes in your life that will
make a difference in the
long run.
About then the phone rang and
it was Doc and he goes are you
guys going to come party on
the yacht and I go fuck yeah.
[laughter]
Thanks for playing along.
I've never performed for a
better crowd in my god damn
life.
Bless you hearts for listening
so intently.
Thank you.
[applause]