Ron Funches: Giggle Fit (2019) - full transcript

In his first-ever one-hour stand-up special, charming and lovable actor-comedian Ron Funches offers his unique take on optimism, fatherhood, autism, conspiracy theories, weight loss, reality television and much more.

- I can do this.

I'm strong. I'm powerful.

I'm a fucking savage.

Sure, maybe I shouldn't
smoke so much weed

before my special.

Give me strength.

Give... me... strength.

- Whoo!

Whoo!

Ric Flair!

- You have come to me
for strength, my child?



- Yes, Father.

- In order to be the boss,
you gotta pay the cost.

To be the man,
you gotta beat the man, baby.

You want to swim
in exquisite pools?

- Yes!

- You want alligator shoes

that cost more
than your house?

- Yes!

- You want to sit
on a private jet

getting your dick sucked
by the pilot?

- That doesn't sound safe.

- Life isn't safe.

It's about standing up
for who you are.

And if you're a weed-loving,
wrestling-watching,



giggle-fit-having son of a gun,

then you gotta
stand up for yourself.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Whoo!

- Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

- Okay.

Whoo!

- Are you okay right now?

Whoo!

Ooh, I'm so happy to be here.

My first hour
comedy special, guys.

My name is Ron Funches.

If you know me,
you might know already,

I'm very hilarious.

Got some good humor.

If you don't know me,

I'm happy to tell you
about myself,

tell you about my comedy.

'Cause it's a little different.

I know a lot of comedians
like to talk

about things they hate,
things that bother 'em,

politics, stuff like that.

I don't really do that.

I like to talk about things
I love and enjoy,

they can be very specific,
I love weed.

I love it.

Let's hang out after.

Clearly, I love wrestling.

Whoo!

One of my favorite activities
recently is just, like,

staring at women
in winter coats.

Yeah.

And just wondering, like,
ooh, what's under there?

And I know--I know
a lot of dudes like bikinis,

but I'm a winter coat
motherfucker.

Let me use my imagination.

'Cause it's a fun game.

It doesn't bother anybody.

It's not too creepy.

It's a little creepy.

But I still recommend it
to anybody.

I call it hidden figures.

Which is what I thought
that movie was about.

Just a bunch of bitches
doing math.

Lately, I've been really into
making, like,

vision boards and dream boards
and shit.

Okay, you on there!
Okay, okay, okay, okay!

- That's right!
- You got to.

- You got to!
- Why else you living?

If you don't got dreams?

- That's right.
That's right.

- If you guys don't know
what a vision board is,

it's where you take a list of
goals, you can make a collage,

you can do whatever
you want with it,

you have a list of goals,
things you want to accomplish,

they can be for
your personal life,

your spiritual life,
your career.

You can just put
things you want to buy.

It's okay.

And you put that someplace
where you can see it every day.

I put mine in my bedroom,

so as soon as I wake up,
I sit up, and I can see it,

and I can go, okay.

These are the things
I'm gonna focus on today.

These are the things
I'm gonna accomplish this year!

And then sometimes,
those things actually happen.

But most of the time,
they do not.

It's very frustrating.

But you still
gotta have dreams.

You gotta have goals, you know?

Couple of years ago,

in my apartment complex
on New Year's Eve,

I was having
this little vision board party,

just hanging out.

Oh, you know how niggas be.

We was just getting faded,

supporting each other
spiritually and shit.

And my best friend, Gabe,
was there,

and Gabe asked me, he was like,
"What's your biggest dream?

You gotta be able
to say it out loud

if you want it to come true."

I was like, my biggest dream,
to tell you the truth, Gabe,

I want a home base.

I want to be able to have
a house for me and my son.

And then the next
New Year's Eve,

we had another
vision board party...

in my brand-new house.

And I was like, oh, shit!

Why didn't I ask
for more stuff?

I didn't think
this would really work!

So now I'm going crazy
on these vision boards.

I'ma tell you guys
what I'm gonna get

that's gonna come true.

I'ma get two luxury vehicles.

One to just smoke weed in.

It don't even go nowhere.

Ooh, I want to get this
Japanese toilet.

Oh, you know the one.

That plays music and, like,
lifts up automatically.

Oh, I saw that, and I was like,
I've been lifting up

my own toilet seat like a
fuckin' savage my whole life?

I have goals.

Sometimes they come true.

It's a literal dream come true

that I was able to buy a house

for me and my son
with stand-up comedy money.

And I get to live next door
to people who actually work.

Oh, we took way different paths

to get to the same destination.

Oh, I feel so bad sometimes.

I try to be active
in my community.

You know, like get up early,
get my son on the school bus.

I see everybody
going off to work,

and I'm just like, bye!
You can do it!

They come back at 6:00.

I'm still in my PJs
in the front yard.

Just like, Welcome back!

What was it like today?

Did you make it
in time for bagels,

or did Debra get to 'em first?

And I live in a pretty nice
neighborhood.

I see people going to work
in their suits and ties,

so I tried to copy them today.

And I'm just like, aww!

You're so fancy.

You must be so important
at your job.

What do you do?

Oh.

I don't really know
what most of those words mean.

But it sounds very stressful.

Oh, me?

Oh, let's not compare.

Oh, I just kind of get high

and then mumble
into a microphone.

Did you know that was
a lucrative profession?

Guess I just had a better
guidance counselor than you.

She really pushed me
into this line of work.

I planned on
working in finance.

She was like, take this bong,

and watch "Naked and Afraid"
all day!"

That's good advice.

I love "Naked and Afraid."

If you haven't seen it,
"Naked and Afraid"

is a reality competition show
on the Discovery Channel,

where they take two people

and I want to say normal,
but trust me...

They are not.

They take two people with some
type of mental deficiency...

And they remove them
from their friends and family

and put 'em someplace deep,
dark, and dangerous.

Like Honduras.

Or Gainesville, Florida.

That was a good episode!

My second favorite reality show

is just as intense
as "Naked and Afraid."

It's this little show called

"RuPaul's Drag Race."

Ooh.

People got excited.

You almost came over
the railing for that one.

And you should,
it's a great show.

It's a great show.

Whenever I bring it up,

I usually get
a lot of women excited.

Some guys act like they never
even seen it before.

Well, it's an amazing show.

Everybody should watch it.

It doesn't matter
if you are male, female,

gay, straight, bi, whatever.

It's one of the best shows on
television.

Because the competitors...

are mean...

as fuck.

They are so damn mean
to each other!

I guess there's something
about having to hide

who you truly think you are

and also taping your dick
backwards

that gets you a little...

They just know
how to talk shit...

so well...

that they could just snatch
the soul out of your body.

Like only a real woman can.

But then they fist-fight
like grown-ass men!

And then they have
a lip sync competition!

It's amazing television.

It's like UFC, "The Voice,"

and "Say Yes to the Dress"
all rolled up into one.

But if you look at my personal
experiences in life,

oh, there is nothing meaner

in this world...

than a 12-year-old black girl.

Terrifying.

Just full of sass
and confidence

and beads flying everywhere.

You gotta give 'em the beads
so you can hear 'em coming.

Otherwise,
they just silent predators.

I know that's a little bit
of a harsh statement,

so I'd like to tell you a story
to prove my point a bit.

Tell you about the time
I saw a 12-year-old black girl.

I was in New York City,

just coming up
out of the subway.

Twelve-year-old black girl
spotted me.

And I didn't have time
to run away.

She just looks me
dead in my eyes.

And she just goes, oh.

You're killing it.

In a way that indicated
I clearly was not.

Who does that to a stranger?

I didn't know her!

That was five years ago.

I'm still fucked up about it.

I don't even want to talk
about it no more.

I'ma go in my happy place.

Thank you.

Talk about my favorite show.

The best show on television.

So sweet and charming.

It's called "The Great
British Baking Show."

Oh!

Hell yeah!

I love that show!

I love everything about it--
- Mary Berry!

- Oh, girl, I love
Paul Hollywood, first of all.

I love Mary Berry, girl!

I love Mary Berry!

Ooh!

I'ma figure out a way
to impregnate that old lady.

I'ma do it.
I'ma do it!

Believe in me.

Love "The Great British
Baking Show."

If you don't know it,
it's a baking competition show,

obviously set in Great Britain,

where they have no...

prize... money.

Why are you doing it?

You're just baking
for the love of cake?

Oh!

And I'm gonna stress,

watch "The Great British
Baking Show,"

because there is also
a spin-off

called "The Great
American Baking Show."

- No.
- Boo!

- Yeah.

Fucking sucks.

It's not sweet.
It's not charming.

It has this baker
that looks like a magician,

and I don't like that.

If a competitor on
"The Great British Baking Show"

finishes a challenge early,

do you know what they do?

They go and help...

The other competitors.

What the fuck is that?

We don't do that
in American reality shows.

You gotta set somebody on fire.

If "The Great British Baking
Show" was created in America,

it'd just be called
"Murder Cake."

Two bakers walk in.

You can fin--
you can finish it.

However many you want.

But I love baking shows.
I love 'em.

I love cooking shows.

I love 'em even more lately.

They're a great way for me
to get my vices out,

watching somebody else eat
horrible foods

while I drink a protein shake
or whatever.

So I'm sure some of you have
never seen me before

in your life, but...

- You look great, Ron!
- Thank you!

Yeah.

If you have seen me before,
you might be aware,

in the last two years,
I've lost 140 pounds,

which is a big deal for me.

And I'm not done yet!

I'ma get real healthy

and not just American healthy.

At my heaviest,
I was 360 pounds,

which is a lot
of a human being.

And at one point in
my adult life, I was just like,

Oh, I'll just probably
never be under 300 pounds.

Uh, but then my mom talked to
me, some friends talked to me,

and they got me motivated,
and I got under 300 pounds,

and I was like, This is pretty
cool, but, you know, whatever.

Probably never be under,
like, 250.

But I kept working out.

Kept throwing up.

But then after I threw up,
I worked out.

Then I got under 250,
and I was like, oh, shit.

I want to see
how healthy I can get.

And my friends
are not supportive.

I mean, they were at the start,
you know,

when I wasn't a threat
to their sexual conquests.

But now they're just like,
okay, come on, Ron, calm down!

You already sweet and charming.

You got way more money
than us.

These are the things
I think they be saying.

I don't really be listening.

I know what they say.

'Cause it hurts my feelings
sometimes.

Sometimes they'll just be like,
look, Ron.

Look, I hate to say it,

but you're just not as fun
as you used to be.

You used to be so fun.

Just eating cheese steaks
and sweating all the time.

We miss that guy.

Now all you want to do
is eat oatmeal, work out.

Ugh.

Why don't you be fun again?

Come out with your boys.

Do the things we used to do.

We can get some midnight...

secret pizza.

And we don't have to tell
nobody.

'Cause that's the only rule
of secret pizza.

We take this Tombstone
to our grave.

But I can't do that anymore.

That's what I learned
about myself, you know?

As you get
a little bit older,

you learn more about yourself,
your shortcomings.

Instead of trying to fix
every little thing,

you just start to try to accept
yourself, who you truly are.

I just learned I'm just not
the type of dude

that can have secret pizza.

Oh, 'cause I can't stop.

My friends can stop, you know?

They can get off their diet,

get back on their diet
like nothing happened.

Oh, if I have secret pizza?

Shit, the next thing I know,

I'm in the parking lot
of a Wendy's

sucking a dick for a Baconator.

And I don't even really
have to do that.

They are very affordable.

You guys are fun.

This has been a real positive
weight loss journey.

There's been a lot
of positive side effects

I never even thought about.

I have a lot more energy.

No longer afraid of any seat
belts on a regional airplane.

I had sex standing up!

I didn't even know
that was for real!

I thought that was movie magic
my whole life.

I thought somebody else was
holding her from behind

with, like, fishing wire
or something.

You got a good imagination!

Now sometimes
people seek me out,

ask me questions about health
and fitness,

which is weird to me.

They'll just come up to me
on the street,

and they'll just be like,
hey, Ron, look, man, look.

I don't mean to bother you.

I'ma let you know I always
thought you were pretty funny.

But now that you lost
this weight, man,

you're actually a real
inspiration to me.

And I'm like, aww!

Go fuck yourself.

This was never about you.

I just think that's rude,
you know?

Okay, now, all of a sudden,
you think you can just do it?

Because I did it
with my hard work?

And discipline?

And chewing up gummy bears

but then spitting 'em out
into the trash?

That's harder than just not
eating them in the first place.

That's dancing with the devil.

I remember when I was first
losing a little bit of weight,

I was really struggling
with it.

Went to this party.

Soon as I walked in the door,
nice lady comes up to me.

She's just like, hey, Ron.

Look, I know you just
got to this party.

I know you working
on your health.

Very proud of you.

But you have got to...

Try... These... brownies.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, they are the best brownies

I have ever...

And before this lady
could finish that sentence,

some other dude just pops up
out of nowhere.

And he's just like,

Uh-uh.

Oh, don't you offer Ron
no brownies.

Oh, I think he's had enough
brownies...

in his life.

Aww,

thank you for being
on my side.

Except for you.
You were chuckling. Fuck you.

Who put you in charge
of my brownie consumption?

And first of all,
to tell you guys

the complete and honest truth,

I don't even like brownies.

I'm a savory nigga.

Always have been.

Oh, you gotta come at me with
a shepherd's pie or something.

Okay!

My man!

I did not think you were the
target demographic for that.

You're like, Okay, now,

this is some material
I can relate to.

This is a good comedy special!

Why every comedy special
I watch,

they just want to talk about
politics or religion?

When a motherfucker
gonna come through

with that hard-hittin'
shepherd's pie material?

Streets are begging for it.

Tell you guys a great thing

about losing a little bit
of weight

and recently gaining
a little bit of money...

is that it's also helped me
gain a whole lot of confidence.

Like, I don't even
personally care

if you're enjoying
this show this evening.

I'm sure Comedy Central cares.

But not me,
I know what I'm about.

I know who I am.
I like what I do.

If you do, great.

If you don't, fuck you.

And I like having
that confidence.

It's new for me.

When I was younger,
more impressionable,

I didn't have
that type of confidence.

I was a real people pleaser.

Hang out with just about
anybody.

Sometimes some real
undesirables.

Just to be liked, you know,

felt like I had
a place I belonged.

Even if they didn't
really care about me.

Now there's just certain people
I have no time for.

Like if you're sexist.

Or homophobic.

Or if you don't believe
in conspiracy theories.

I just don't understand
how do you not believe

in any conspiracy theories?

I understand not all of 'em,
not most of 'em,

but you don't believe in any
conspiracy theories?

You just think the government's
just battin' a thousand

at telling us the whole truth?

That's a strong stance to take.

Again, as I said before,

I don't like talking about
politics on stage or off stage.

'Cause I don't like talking
about things

I don't feel like
I'm truly knowledgeable in.

But I do know this.

A government is placed
in charge of all of its people.

I'm a father

who's been placed in charge
of just one son.

And I lie to that nigga
all the time.

Thank you for supporting that?

How do you not believe in
any conspiracy theories?

You don't believe in aliens?

You're no fun.

You don't believe in Russia?

That's a real place.

Okay, okay, so you telling me

that you don't believe

that every time
Apple makes a new iPhone,

they also create
an operating system

that fucks up your old iPhone?

Now we got some true believers.

You guys should subscribe
to my newsletter,

"Funchespiracies."

'Cause that is true,
I don't know if you know that.

I didn't know it
when I wrote the joke.

I wrote the joke
about nine months ago.

I was trying to write it on my
iPhone, but it wouldn't update.

Then about a month ago,
I get on Twitter,

and I see in the news section,
it says,

"Apple admits they slow down

older iPhone models
on purpose."

And I was like, oh, shit!

I did it!

They heard about me
telling these jokes

all over the country,

and they were like,
we can't handle this pressure.

We gotta come clean.

I felt so powerful!

I was like,
Ooh, I took 'em down!

Ooh, this must be what
Hannibal felt like

when he took down Bill Cosby.

I did not think
they would approve that joke.

I just love conspiracy
theories.

I have my whole life.

I make some up when I'm bored.

Why is it that every time

you're getting ready
to take off on an airplane,

and the captain come on
over the loudspeaker,

you always hear
the same exact thing?

You always hear,

thank you for choosing us.

We know you have
a lot of choices

in the airline community,

and they all fucking suck,
so thank you.

We got a great crew on board
for you this evening.

Barbara's here.

Oh, you gonna love you
some Barbara.

We even got pretty good
weather conditions.

So I'm gonna do my best to get
us in a few minutes early

so that we can just
sit on the runway

for another half an hour.

So just sit back and relax.
Enjoy yourself.

Oh, but hold up.

If you don't turn off
your phone...

Oh, I swear to God..

On the lives

of Barbara's...

beautiful children...

This plane will fall
from the sky.

But now they're just like,
oh, never mind.

I guess I had just read

too many "Goosebumps"' novels
late last night.

I scared myself.

I should know better.

If it gets past 10:00,

I always tell myself
I gotta switch to "Wishbone,"

you know?

That's one of my
favorite jokes.

For the past two years
I've done it,

almost every night,
twice a night,

it's worked about 10%
of the time.

But I knew from day one it was
going in my comedy special.

And I'll tell you why.

Number one, I like the joke.

Number two, I'm just confident
in my abilities to sell it.

Number three,
I fucking love "Wishbone."

And if you are not familiar
with "Wishbone,"

oh, let me alleviate
your ignorance right now.

"Wishbone"

is an American educational
book/television series

about a dog that could read

better than you or I.

And he uses
those comprehension skills

to somehow
travel throughout time

where he wears
period-appropriate costumes...

Like sometimes he'll be
Queen Elizabeth,

in a little gown and veil

and look quite fetching,

and that's a fun dog joke
to make

even if you don't know
"Wishbone."

But other times,
he'll be, like, Sherlock Holmes

with a little cap
and magnifying glass.

And I'm like,
how the fuck

are you even holding that,
Wishbone?

You ain't got no thumbs.

I was willing to believe
you could read and time travel,

but this...

This is too far.

If you know me at all,
you might be aware

I'm the father
of a 15-year-old son

named Malcolm who has autism.

If you have anyone with autism
in your life,

congratulations,

you've been trusted to
take care of a beautiful soul.

And a lot of people ask me
what it's like

to raise a child with autism,

which is very difficult
to describe.

It's a large spectrum.
It means a lot of things.

I can only tell you how it
affects my son in particular.

It means he gets overstimulated
very easily.

He prefer if he wear
little earplugs

and earmuffs
when he's out in public.

He has little texture issues.

He doesn't want to touch
or eat certain things ever.

He has little vocabulary issues
as well.

Again, he's 15.

He can take in everything
you're saying to him.

He's a very bright, bright boy,

but he speaks in mostly, like,
little catchphrases, like, uh,

"Take that,"

or, uh, "Eat shit, Daddy."

And I'm like, oh,
that's the autism talking.

He's tough
to discipline, you know?

And our relationship's
changing a lot.

He's getting older.
He's a teenager.

It's a lot less like
I'm even raising a child,

teaching him what's right
and wrong.

Now it's more like
I'm roommates

with this tiny drag queen.

Oh, he's a sassy little bitch.

I'd like to tell a story
to prove the point.

I travel a lot for this job,

whenever my son's schedule
allows him to,

I like to bring him with me,
'cause I miss him.

When he does come with me,

I try to keep the same routine,
'cause he needs structure.

We check into the hotel,
I order a cheese pizza

with extra sauce, then he just
eats it all by himself.

Just living a total
"Home Alone 2"

type of lifestyle.

Oh, I encourage it.

That's my favorite
of the "Home Alones."

The last time we went out,

he wanted to eat
his cheese pizza, extra sauce,

all by himself

with no pants on.

No underwear on.

Just totally
Winnie-the-Pooh-ing it.

Which is not as cute

when you actually have
genitals, trust me.

Like, nobody wants to see
your Hundred Acre Woods, man.

So I asked my son, I'm like,
hey, man, um...

Look.

I don't mind

if you want to eat this whole
cheese pizza, extra sauce,

by yourself.

Sounds like a beautiful
evening.

But do you mind...

maybe...

putting some pants on?

You're making me
just a little uncomfortable.

I mean, hell, you're making my
friend Gabe very uncomfortable.

I forgot to mention
Gabe was there for that.

And his eyes were dartin'
all over the fucking place.

Which means he's a good friend.

I thank him for not looking
at my son's penis

directly in the eye.

I go to my son, I say, hey...

can you put some pants on?

And my only child,

the person I love more than
anything else in this world,

I would do anything for,
and he's made me prove it

time and time again...

He just says back to me,

Mm...

Nah.

I was like,
what the fuck is this?

What did I do wrong?

Oh, okay, I think I got it,
I got it.

I always talked to you to about
manners and being polite.

Right there, I was not.

So I'm gonna try once more.

Would you mind
putting your pants on...

please?

And he says...

Mm...

Nah.

And I was like, okay,
I guess I'm just gonna have to

fuck you up, then.

'Cause your whole life,
I thought we had

this father-son dynamic,

but I guess all of a sudden,

we just two grown men talking.

And one of us
ain't wearing pants.

But I was like,
let me calm down.

We can compromise, you know?

You don't want to wear
your pants? Okay.

The least you can do
is wear your underwear.

And he says...

Mm...

You go get 'em, bitch.

Calm down,
Jerry Springer audience.

He didn't really say "bitch."

But it was totally implied.

So I go and get his underwear.

I've lost this battle.

He goes to get his next slice
of hot cheese pizza.

Extra sauce.

And then Jesus takes the wheel.

Oh, he's just leaning back...

With a slice
of hot cheese pizza.

Extra sauce.

With all the unearned
confidence

that reminds me
that he's half-white.

I like that you like that joke.

And I love that you accept
that stereotype.

You guys are like,
well, that's just true.

White people be eating
pizza confidently

like a motherfucker.

So he's leaning back.

He goes to take a bite.

Half of the cheese and sauce
slides off.

- Oh!

- Don't get ahead of me.

And it plummets.

And it lands...

directly...

on his nuts.

Oh, I loved it!

I know I'm just telling
you guys,

but I can still see it up here.

He's just running around going,

hot nuts, Daddy!

Hot nuts!

And I had to be a good father

and pretend like I was
concerned for his well-being.

I had to be like, aww!

Oh, no!

Oh, did my boy's nuts
get too hot?

Aww!

And if you wouldn't blow
on your son's hot nuts,

you not a good parent.

I did not want to do that.

What I wanted to do
was be like,

that's what you get,
you saucy bitch!

And that's how he got
his drag queen name,

Saucy Bitch.

Check him out.
"Drag Race All-Stars."

I love being a single dad.

I'm just not looking
for a relationship right now.

I'm open to one.

And I love couple activities.

I think everything's more fun

when you got somebody
to talk shit with.

That's my favorite part
of being in a relationship,

just showing up someplace
together,

just being like, oh...

Oh, shit, girl.

Everybody else here sucks,
but us.

Ooh, girl, we gonna talk
so much shit.

Oh, everybody here
is so stupid.

I don't know why we keeping
coming to my family reunions.

That's just classic comedy.

I just love couple activities,

like just getting real high
together

and getting mani-pedis done.

Yeah.

You guys doing that out here?

If not, you better start,

or I'm gonna take
all your bitches.

You gotta get stoned mani-pedis
with your girl.

First, you get real high,

and then you got
these Korean slaves

that clean your feet for you.

I know that's not
a nice thing to say.

But that's what makes it fun
when I go.

I role-play.
I'm like, I'm the king.

I don't understand your words.

Sing your slave songs
elsewhere!

My favorite couple activity

is as simple as just laying
in bed together,

listening to music.

Doing some bed dancing.

Just trying to recreate
Jay-Z/Beyoncé videos.

And I sing the Beyoncé part.

And she does the Jay-Z rap.

And every time Jay-Z
says the N-word,

I say it for her 'cause she's
probably a white girl.

Ah, so fun.

Your reaction was exactly like
I thought it would be

without looking at you.

Let me explain myself.

I don't want to sound
prejudiced at all.

I think all women are
beautiful, wonderful creatures.

I think black women
especially so,

and I don't want to add
to this thing,

I don't know if you guys
are aware of,

but there is a history
in Hollywood

of trying to make black women
feel less wanted,

less attractive,
less sexually desirable.

I don't ever
want to add to that.

I don't think that's the case.

But I want to be true
to myself.

I grew up in the south side
of Chicago,

which is a very rough area.

I'm not a tough person.

And a lot of women
I was going after,

especially a lot
of the black women,

they like the tougher type
of black dudes.

That's what they saw, you know?

That's what the media
showed you, you know?

There's only, like,
one or two types of black dudes

they try to show you,

and there's so many different
types, you know?

But they only like to show you
a couple,

you know, like "thug"
or "dead."

And that's not cool.

There's so many different types
of black people.

There's so many different types
of any type of people.

There's just so many
different types

of black dudes in general.

There's, like, basketball
niggas,

there's "Dragon Ball" niggas.

I'm a proud
"Dragon Ball" nigga.

It's just who I am,
and sometimes that didn't work

with the women I was going
after, you know?

They wanted more of a tough,
strong, dominant black man.

So many of 'em were like that
to the point

I just started pretending
like I was that, you know,

if they didn't know me,
if they didn't know who I was,

if they didn't know I was
a Care Bear cousin inside.

But eventually,
they figure it out,

and they'd be like,
Look, Ron, I'm sorry.

You're a good guy.

And that's the problem.

I'm looking for a tough,
strong, dominant black man

to help take care of me.

And I'd be like, Well,

quite frankly...

So am I.

You don't think I want to ride

on The Rock's shoulders?

Eating an ice cream cone?

Girl, do you even look
at my vision board?

Oh, it's fun to say,
but it's more fun to imagine.

Like The Rock's just carrying
me on the beach on the sand.

But he's not even wobbling

'cause his quads are so strong.

And I'm like, are you okay,
The Rock?

He's like, Oh, I got you,
little buddy,

and I'm like,
he called me little!

I'm gonna eat more ice cream!

That's my favorite person.

I mean, sometimes my son is,
but not usually.

But I always love The Rock.

He's amazing.
He's done so many great things.

The Rock is a surefire
WWE Hall of Famer.

He's the greatest actor

of our generation.

I was like,
why the fuck were you laughing?

He's hopefully
the next President

of the United States
of America.

He's Dwayne

"The Rock"

Johnson.

The Beyoncé for boys.

Oh, The Rock is perfect.

He can do no wrong in my eyes.

The Rock?

Oh, The Rock could
murder my whole family.

And I would just assume they
did something to deserve it.

'Cause The Rock's not
doing that willy-nilly.

Not The Rock I know.

Not "Escape From Witch
Mountain" The Rock.

That's an underrated classic.

If I was out on a date
with a lady,

and we were all cuddled up
together,

which sometimes happens.

And then The Rock saw us,

and he was like, oh.

You guys make a cute couple.

But not anymore.

'Cause I want to fuck her.

I'd be like, well, sir!

I'ma check with her first.

Oh, but on this end,

there are no issues.

I mean, if The Rock
was hitting on me,

if his muscular finger
went against

the nape of my neck, oh...

I mean, I like to think
I'm straight,

but in this case, you know,
who really knows?

Maybe I am a Rock bottom.
I don't know.

Look, all I really know is,

if The Rock was hitting on me,
I'd just be like, uh...

I'ma have to see
where he's going with this.

But I think I smell
what The Rock is cooking.

Smell that dick.

That's fun to say!

Smell The Rock's dick!

Glad you guys like that.

My mom hates that joke.

Not The Rocks dick part
of the joke.

She actually likes
that part of it.

She keeps trying to get me
to add more to it.

She's like, talk about the
veins. Talk about the veins.

My mom doesn't hate The Rock's
dick part of that joke.

She hates the dating
white ladies part.

Uh--

Much like you seem to.

Uh--

And that's fine.
That's a perspective.

You know, it's just that
my mom would prefer

if I were to settle down
with a full-black lady,

give her some nice full-black
grandbabies,

'cause my mom's "a racist."

And it's fun to say that
out loud.

And it's just true.

My mom's a little racist.

She's a little homophobic.

My mom's like
an old-timey

Southern conservative
white man...

That somehow got trapped...

In a poor black lady's body.

Just like the best episode
of "Quantum Leap" ever.

Okay!

Okay, you guys are cool.

You like shepherd's pie jokes.

"Quantum Leap" references
way past their expiration.

I just try not to judge my mom,
you know?

I just love my mom to death,
and...

you know,
she's a little racist.

It's okay,
a lot of older people are.

She doesn't make laws
or anything.

It's just that my mom grew up
in a different time, you know?

My mom grew up in a time

when racism was very prevalent
in America,

not like today.

Oh, what have you heard?

Well, my mom grew up in a time

where racism was more
in-your-face.

Everybody was doing it,

and nobody knew why.

It was like Pogs.

Ha.

That's a weird joke.

If you got it,
or if you didn't get it,

you're right.

It's a weird joke to put at
the end of your entire set.

After you've earned
everybody's trust.

But I think it's one of the
best jokes

that sums up my entire act,
if not my life.

Well, I know, like, half
the people around me are like,

"I don't know what the fuck
this nigga's talking about."

But there's always, like,
one cool dude in the back

who's like, I got a slammer
in my pocket right now.

Seattle, thank you so much!