Ron Funches: Giggle Fit (2019) - full transcript

In his first-ever one-hour stand-up special, charming and lovable actor-comedian Ron Funches offers his unique take on optimism, fatherhood, autism, conspiracy theories, weight loss, reality television and much more.

- I can do this.

I'm strong. I'm powerful.

I'm a fucking savage.

Sure, maybe I shouldn't

smoke so much weed

before my special.

Give me strength.

Give... me... strength.

- Whoo!

Whoo!

Ric Flair!

- You have come to me

for strength, my child?

- Yes, Father.

- In order to be the boss,

you gotta pay the cost.

To be the man,

you gotta beat the man, baby.

You want to swim

in exquisite pools?

- Yes!

- You want alligator shoes

that cost more

than your house?

- Yes!

- You want to sit

on a private jet

getting your dick sucked

by the pilot?

- That doesn't sound safe.

- Life isn't safe.

It's about standing up

for who you are.

And if you're a weed-loving,

wrestling-watching,

giggle-fit-having son of a gun,

then you gotta

stand up for yourself.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Whoo!

- Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

- Okay.

Whoo!

- Are you okay right now?

Whoo!

Ooh, I'm so happy to be here.

My first hour

comedy special, guys.

My name is Ron Funches.

If you know me,

you might know already,

I'm very hilarious.

Got some good humor.

If you don't know me,

I'm happy to tell you

about myself,

tell you about my comedy.

'Cause it's a little different.

I know a lot of comedians

like to talk

about things they hate,

things that bother 'em,

politics, stuff like that.

I don't really do that.

I like to talk about things

I love and enjoy,

they can be very specific,

I love weed.

I love it.

Let's hang out after.

Clearly, I love wrestling.

Whoo!

One of my favorite activities

recently is just, like,

staring at women

in winter coats.

Yeah.

And just wondering, like,

ooh, what's under there?

And I know--I know

a lot of dudes like bikinis,

but I'm a winter coat

motherfucker.

Let me use my imagination.

'Cause it's a fun game.

It doesn't bother anybody.

It's not too creepy.

It's a little creepy.

But I still recommend it

to anybody.

I call it hidden figures.

Which is what I thought

that movie was about.

Just a bunch of bitches

doing math.

Lately, I've been really into

making, like,

vision boards and dream boards

and shit.

Okay, you on there!

Okay, okay, okay, okay!

- That's right!

- You got to.

- You got to!

- Why else you living?

If you don't got dreams?

- That's right.

That's right.

- If you guys don't know

what a vision board is,

it's where you take a list of

goals, you can make a collage,

you can do whatever

you want with it,

you have a list of goals,

things you want to accomplish,

they can be for

your personal life,

your spiritual life,

your career.

You can just put

things you want to buy.

It's okay.

And you put that someplace

where you can see it every day.

I put mine in my bedroom,

so as soon as I wake up,

I sit up, and I can see it,

and I can go, okay.

These are the things

I'm gonna focus on today.

These are the things

I'm gonna accomplish this year!

And then sometimes,

those things actually happen.

But most of the time,

they do not.

It's very frustrating.

But you still

gotta have dreams.

You gotta have goals, you know?

Couple of years ago,

in my apartment complex

on New Year's Eve,

I was having

this little vision board party,

just hanging out.

Oh, you know how niggas be.

We was just getting faded,

supporting each other

spiritually and shit.

And my best friend, Gabe,

was there,

and Gabe asked me, he was like,

"What's your biggest dream?

You gotta be able

to say it out loud

if you want it to come true."

I was like, my biggest dream,

to tell you the truth, Gabe,

I want a home base.

I want to be able to have

a house for me and my son.

And then the next

New Year's Eve,

we had another

vision board party...

in my brand-new house.

And I was like, oh, shit!

Why didn't I ask

for more stuff?

I didn't think

this would really work!

So now I'm going crazy

on these vision boards.

I'ma tell you guys

what I'm gonna get

that's gonna come true.

I'ma get two luxury vehicles.

One to just smoke weed in.

It don't even go nowhere.

Ooh, I want to get this

Japanese toilet.

Oh, you know the one.

That plays music and, like,

lifts up automatically.

Oh, I saw that, and I was like,

I've been lifting up

my own toilet seat like a

fuckin' savage my whole life?

I have goals.

Sometimes they come true.

It's a literal dream come true

that I was able to buy a house

for me and my son

with stand-up comedy money.

And I get to live next door

to people who actually work.

Oh, we took way different paths

to get to the same destination.

Oh, I feel so bad sometimes.

I try to be active

in my community.

You know, like get up early,

get my son on the school bus.

I see everybody

going off to work,

and I'm just like, bye!

You can do it!

They come back at 6:00.

I'm still in my PJs

in the front yard.

Just like, Welcome back!

What was it like today?

Did you make it

in time for bagels,

or did Debra get to 'em first?

And I live in a pretty nice

neighborhood.

I see people going to work

in their suits and ties,

so I tried to copy them today.

And I'm just like, aww!

You're so fancy.

You must be so important

at your job.

What do you do?

Oh.

I don't really know

what most of those words mean.

But it sounds very stressful.

Oh, me?

Oh, let's not compare.

Oh, I just kind of get high

and then mumble

into a microphone.

Did you know that was

a lucrative profession?

Guess I just had a better

guidance counselor than you.

She really pushed me

into this line of work.

I planned on

working in finance.

She was like, take this bong,

and watch "Naked and Afraid"

all day!"

That's good advice.

I love "Naked and Afraid."

If you haven't seen it,

"Naked and Afraid"

is a reality competition show

on the Discovery Channel,

where they take two people

and I want to say normal,

but trust me...

They are not.

They take two people with some

type of mental deficiency...

And they remove them

from their friends and family

and put 'em someplace deep,

dark, and dangerous.

Like Honduras.

Or Gainesville, Florida.

That was a good episode!

My second favorite reality show

is just as intense

as "Naked and Afraid."

It's this little show called

"RuPaul's Drag Race."

Ooh.

People got excited.

You almost came over

the railing for that one.

And you should,

it's a great show.

It's a great show.

Whenever I bring it up,

I usually get

a lot of women excited.

Some guys act like they never

even seen it before.

Well, it's an amazing show.

Everybody should watch it.

It doesn't matter

if you are male, female,

gay, straight, bi, whatever.

It's one of the best shows on

television.

Because the competitors...

are mean...

as fuck.

They are so damn mean

to each other!

I guess there's something

about having to hide

who you truly think you are

and also taping your dick

backwards

that gets you a little...

They just know

how to talk shit...

so well...

that they could just snatch

the soul out of your body.

Like only a real woman can.

But then they fist-fight

like grown-ass men!

And then they have

a lip sync competition!

It's amazing television.

It's like UFC, "The Voice,"

and "Say Yes to the Dress"

all rolled up into one.

But if you look at my personal

experiences in life,

oh, there is nothing meaner

in this world...

than a 12-year-old black girl.

Terrifying.

Just full of sass

and confidence

and beads flying everywhere.

You gotta give 'em the beads

so you can hear 'em coming.

Otherwise,

they just silent predators.

I know that's a little bit

of a harsh statement,

so I'd like to tell you a story

to prove my point a bit.

Tell you about the time

I saw a 12-year-old black girl.

I was in New York City,

just coming up

out of the subway.

Twelve-year-old black girl

spotted me.

And I didn't have time

to run away.

She just looks me

dead in my eyes.

And she just goes, oh.

You're killing it.

In a way that indicated

I clearly was not.

Who does that to a stranger?

I didn't know her!

That was five years ago.

I'm still fucked up about it.

I don't even want to talk

about it no more.

I'ma go in my happy place.

Thank you.

Talk about my favorite show.

The best show on television.

So sweet and charming.

It's called "The Great

British Baking Show."

Oh!

Hell yeah!

I love that show!

I love everything about it--

- Mary Berry!

- Oh, girl, I love

Paul Hollywood, first of all.

I love Mary Berry, girl!

I love Mary Berry!

Ooh!

I'ma figure out a way

to impregnate that old lady.

I'ma do it.

I'ma do it!

Believe in me.

Love "The Great British

Baking Show."

If you don't know it,

it's a baking competition show,

obviously set in Great Britain,

where they have no...

prize... money.

Why are you doing it?

You're just baking

for the love of cake?

Oh!

And I'm gonna stress,

watch "The Great British

Baking Show,"

because there is also

a spin-off

called "The Great

American Baking Show."

- No.

- Boo!

- Yeah.

Fucking sucks.

It's not sweet.

It's not charming.

It has this baker

that looks like a magician,

and I don't like that.

If a competitor on

"The Great British Baking Show"

finishes a challenge early,

do you know what they do?

They go and help...

The other competitors.

What the fuck is that?

We don't do that

in American reality shows.

You gotta set somebody on fire.

If "The Great British Baking

Show" was created in America,

it'd just be called

"Murder Cake."

Two bakers walk in.

You can fin--

you can finish it.

However many you want.

But I love baking shows.

I love 'em.

I love cooking shows.

I love 'em even more lately.

They're a great way for me

to get my vices out,

watching somebody else eat

horrible foods

while I drink a protein shake

or whatever.

So I'm sure some of you have

never seen me before

in your life, but...

- You look great, Ron!

- Thank you!

Yeah.

If you have seen me before,

you might be aware,

in the last two years,

I've lost 140 pounds,

which is a big deal for me.

And I'm not done yet!

I'ma get real healthy

and not just American healthy.

At my heaviest,

I was 360 pounds,

which is a lot

of a human being.

And at one point in

my adult life, I was just like,

Oh, I'll just probably

never be under 300 pounds.

Uh, but then my mom talked to

me, some friends talked to me,

and they got me motivated,

and I got under 300 pounds,

and I was like, This is pretty

cool, but, you know, whatever.

Probably never be under,

like, 250.

But I kept working out.

Kept throwing up.

But then after I threw up,

I worked out.

Then I got under 250,

and I was like, oh, shit.

I want to see

how healthy I can get.

And my friends

are not supportive.

I mean, they were at the start,

you know,

when I wasn't a threat

to their sexual conquests.

But now they're just like,

okay, come on, Ron, calm down!

You already sweet and charming.

You got way more money

than us.

These are the things

I think they be saying.

I don't really be listening.

I know what they say.

'Cause it hurts my feelings

sometimes.

Sometimes they'll just be like,

look, Ron.

Look, I hate to say it,

but you're just not as fun

as you used to be.

You used to be so fun.

Just eating cheese steaks

and sweating all the time.

We miss that guy.

Now all you want to do

is eat oatmeal, work out.

Ugh.

Why don't you be fun again?

Come out with your boys.

Do the things we used to do.

We can get some midnight...

secret pizza.

And we don't have to tell

nobody.

'Cause that's the only rule

of secret pizza.

We take this Tombstone

to our grave.

But I can't do that anymore.

That's what I learned

about myself, you know?

As you get

a little bit older,

you learn more about yourself,

your shortcomings.

Instead of trying to fix

every little thing,

you just start to try to accept

yourself, who you truly are.

I just learned I'm just not

the type of dude

that can have secret pizza.

Oh, 'cause I can't stop.

My friends can stop, you know?

They can get off their diet,

get back on their diet

like nothing happened.

Oh, if I have secret pizza?

Shit, the next thing I know,

I'm in the parking lot

of a Wendy's

sucking a dick for a Baconator.

And I don't even really

have to do that.

They are very affordable.

You guys are fun.

This has been a real positive

weight loss journey.

There's been a lot

of positive side effects

I never even thought about.

I have a lot more energy.

No longer afraid of any seat

belts on a regional airplane.

I had sex standing up!

I didn't even know

that was for real!

I thought that was movie magic

my whole life.

I thought somebody else was

holding her from behind

with, like, fishing wire

or something.

You got a good imagination!

Now sometimes

people seek me out,

ask me questions about health

and fitness,

which is weird to me.

They'll just come up to me

on the street,

and they'll just be like,

hey, Ron, look, man, look.

I don't mean to bother you.

I'ma let you know I always

thought you were pretty funny.

But now that you lost

this weight, man,

you're actually a real

inspiration to me.

And I'm like, aww!

Go fuck yourself.

This was never about you.

I just think that's rude,

you know?

Okay, now, all of a sudden,

you think you can just do it?

Because I did it

with my hard work?

And discipline?

And chewing up gummy bears

but then spitting 'em out

into the trash?

That's harder than just not

eating them in the first place.

That's dancing with the devil.

I remember when I was first

losing a little bit of weight,

I was really struggling

with it.

Went to this party.

Soon as I walked in the door,

nice lady comes up to me.

She's just like, hey, Ron.

Look, I know you just

got to this party.

I know you working

on your health.

Very proud of you.

But you have got to...

Try... These... brownies.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, they are the best brownies

I have ever...

And before this lady

could finish that sentence,

some other dude just pops up

out of nowhere.

And he's just like,

Uh-uh.

Oh, don't you offer Ron

no brownies.

Oh, I think he's had enough

brownies...

in his life.

Aww,

thank you for being

on my side.

Except for you.

You were chuckling. Fuck you.

Who put you in charge

of my brownie consumption?

And first of all,

to tell you guys

the complete and honest truth,

I don't even like brownies.

I'm a savory nigga.

Always have been.

Oh, you gotta come at me with

a shepherd's pie or something.

Okay!

My man!

I did not think you were the

target demographic for that.

You're like, Okay, now,

this is some material

I can relate to.

This is a good comedy special!

Why every comedy special

I watch,

they just want to talk about

politics or religion?

When a motherfucker

gonna come through

with that hard-hittin'

shepherd's pie material?

Streets are begging for it.

Tell you guys a great thing

about losing a little bit

of weight

and recently gaining

a little bit of money...

is that it's also helped me

gain a whole lot of confidence.

Like, I don't even

personally care

if you're enjoying

this show this evening.

I'm sure Comedy Central cares.

But not me,

I know what I'm about.

I know who I am.

I like what I do.

If you do, great.

If you don't, fuck you.

And I like having

that confidence.

It's new for me.

When I was younger,

more impressionable,

I didn't have

that type of confidence.

I was a real people pleaser.

Hang out with just about

anybody.

Sometimes some real

undesirables.

Just to be liked, you know,

felt like I had

a place I belonged.

Even if they didn't

really care about me.

Now there's just certain people

I have no time for.

Like if you're sexist.

Or homophobic.

Or if you don't believe

in conspiracy theories.

I just don't understand

how do you not believe

in any conspiracy theories?

I understand not all of 'em,

not most of 'em,

but you don't believe in any

conspiracy theories?

You just think the government's

just battin' a thousand

at telling us the whole truth?

That's a strong stance to take.

Again, as I said before,

I don't like talking about

politics on stage or off stage.

'Cause I don't like talking

about things

I don't feel like

I'm truly knowledgeable in.

But I do know this.

A government is placed

in charge of all of its people.

I'm a father

who's been placed in charge

of just one son.

And I lie to that nigga

all the time.

Thank you for supporting that?

How do you not believe in

any conspiracy theories?

You don't believe in aliens?

You're no fun.

You don't believe in Russia?

That's a real place.

Okay, okay, so you telling me

that you don't believe

that every time

Apple makes a new iPhone,

they also create

an operating system

that fucks up your old iPhone?

Now we got some true believers.

You guys should subscribe

to my newsletter,

"Funchespiracies."

'Cause that is true,

I don't know if you know that.

I didn't know it

when I wrote the joke.

I wrote the joke

about nine months ago.

I was trying to write it on my

iPhone, but it wouldn't update.

Then about a month ago,

I get on Twitter,

and I see in the news section,

it says,

"Apple admits they slow down

older iPhone models

on purpose."

And I was like, oh, shit!

I did it!

They heard about me

telling these jokes

all over the country,

and they were like,

we can't handle this pressure.

We gotta come clean.

I felt so powerful!

I was like,

Ooh, I took 'em down!

Ooh, this must be what

Hannibal felt like

when he took down Bill Cosby.

I did not think

they would approve that joke.

I just love conspiracy

theories.

I have my whole life.

I make some up when I'm bored.

Why is it that every time

you're getting ready

to take off on an airplane,

and the captain come on

over the loudspeaker,

you always hear

the same exact thing?

You always hear,

thank you for choosing us.

We know you have

a lot of choices

in the airline community,

and they all fucking suck,

so thank you.

We got a great crew on board

for you this evening.

Barbara's here.

Oh, you gonna love you

some Barbara.

We even got pretty good

weather conditions.

So I'm gonna do my best to get

us in a few minutes early

so that we can just

sit on the runway

for another half an hour.

So just sit back and relax.

Enjoy yourself.

Oh, but hold up.

If you don't turn off

your phone...

Oh, I swear to God..

On the lives

of Barbara's...

beautiful children...

This plane will fall

from the sky.

But now they're just like,

oh, never mind.

I guess I had just read

too many "Goosebumps"' novels

late last night.

I scared myself.

I should know better.

If it gets past 10:00,

I always tell myself

I gotta switch to "Wishbone,"

you know?

That's one of my

favorite jokes.

For the past two years

I've done it,

almost every night,

twice a night,

it's worked about 10%

of the time.

But I knew from day one it was

going in my comedy special.

And I'll tell you why.

Number one, I like the joke.

Number two, I'm just confident

in my abilities to sell it.

Number three,

I fucking love "Wishbone."

And if you are not familiar

with "Wishbone,"

oh, let me alleviate

your ignorance right now.

"Wishbone"

is an American educational

book/television series

about a dog that could read

better than you or I.

And he uses

those comprehension skills

to somehow

travel throughout time

where he wears

period-appropriate costumes...

Like sometimes he'll be

Queen Elizabeth,

in a little gown and veil

and look quite fetching,

and that's a fun dog joke

to make

even if you don't know

"Wishbone."

But other times,

he'll be, like, Sherlock Holmes

with a little cap

and magnifying glass.

And I'm like,

how the fuck

are you even holding that,

Wishbone?

You ain't got no thumbs.

I was willing to believe

you could read and time travel,

but this...

This is too far.

If you know me at all,

you might be aware

I'm the father

of a 15-year-old son

named Malcolm who has autism.

If you have anyone with autism

in your life,

congratulations,

you've been trusted to

take care of a beautiful soul.

And a lot of people ask me

what it's like

to raise a child with autism,

which is very difficult

to describe.

It's a large spectrum.

It means a lot of things.

I can only tell you how it

affects my son in particular.

It means he gets overstimulated

very easily.

He prefer if he wear

little earplugs

and earmuffs

when he's out in public.

He has little texture issues.

He doesn't want to touch

or eat certain things ever.

He has little vocabulary issues

as well.

Again, he's 15.

He can take in everything

you're saying to him.

He's a very bright, bright boy,

but he speaks in mostly, like,

little catchphrases, like, uh,

"Take that,"

or, uh, "Eat shit, Daddy."

And I'm like, oh,

that's the autism talking.

He's tough

to discipline, you know?

And our relationship's

changing a lot.

He's getting older.

He's a teenager.

It's a lot less like

I'm even raising a child,

teaching him what's right

and wrong.

Now it's more like

I'm roommates

with this tiny drag queen.

Oh, he's a sassy little bitch.

I'd like to tell a story

to prove the point.

I travel a lot for this job,

whenever my son's schedule

allows him to,

I like to bring him with me,

'cause I miss him.

When he does come with me,

I try to keep the same routine,

'cause he needs structure.

We check into the hotel,

I order a cheese pizza

with extra sauce, then he just

eats it all by himself.

Just living a total

"Home Alone 2"

type of lifestyle.

Oh, I encourage it.

That's my favorite

of the "Home Alones."

The last time we went out,

he wanted to eat

his cheese pizza, extra sauce,

all by himself

with no pants on.

No underwear on.

Just totally

Winnie-the-Pooh-ing it.

Which is not as cute

when you actually have

genitals, trust me.

Like, nobody wants to see

your Hundred Acre Woods, man.

So I asked my son, I'm like,

hey, man, um...

Look.

I don't mind

if you want to eat this whole

cheese pizza, extra sauce,

by yourself.

Sounds like a beautiful

evening.

But do you mind...

maybe...

putting some pants on?

You're making me

just a little uncomfortable.

I mean, hell, you're making my

friend Gabe very uncomfortable.

I forgot to mention

Gabe was there for that.

And his eyes were dartin'

all over the fucking place.

Which means he's a good friend.

I thank him for not looking

at my son's penis

directly in the eye.

I go to my son, I say, hey...

can you put some pants on?

And my only child,

the person I love more than

anything else in this world,

I would do anything for,

and he's made me prove it

time and time again...

He just says back to me,

Mm...

Nah.

I was like,

what the fuck is this?

What did I do wrong?

Oh, okay, I think I got it,

I got it.

I always talked to you to about

manners and being polite.

Right there, I was not.

So I'm gonna try once more.

Would you mind

putting your pants on...

please?

And he says...

Mm...

Nah.

And I was like, okay,

I guess I'm just gonna have to

fuck you up, then.

'Cause your whole life,

I thought we had

this father-son dynamic,

but I guess all of a sudden,

we just two grown men talking.

And one of us

ain't wearing pants.

But I was like,

let me calm down.

We can compromise, you know?

You don't want to wear

your pants? Okay.

The least you can do

is wear your underwear.

And he says...

Mm...

You go get 'em, bitch.

Calm down,

Jerry Springer audience.

He didn't really say "bitch."

But it was totally implied.

So I go and get his underwear.

I've lost this battle.

He goes to get his next slice

of hot cheese pizza.

Extra sauce.

And then Jesus takes the wheel.

Oh, he's just leaning back...

With a slice

of hot cheese pizza.

Extra sauce.

With all the unearned

confidence

that reminds me

that he's half-white.

I like that you like that joke.

And I love that you accept

that stereotype.

You guys are like,

well, that's just true.

White people be eating

pizza confidently

like a motherfucker.

So he's leaning back.

He goes to take a bite.

Half of the cheese and sauce

slides off.

- Oh!

- Don't get ahead of me.

And it plummets.

And it lands...

directly...

on his nuts.

Oh, I loved it!

I know I'm just telling

you guys,

but I can still see it up here.

He's just running around going,

hot nuts, Daddy!

Hot nuts!

And I had to be a good father

and pretend like I was

concerned for his well-being.

I had to be like, aww!

Oh, no!

Oh, did my boy's nuts

get too hot?

Aww!

And if you wouldn't blow

on your son's hot nuts,

you not a good parent.

I did not want to do that.

What I wanted to do

was be like,

that's what you get,

you saucy bitch!

And that's how he got

his drag queen name,

Saucy Bitch.

Check him out.

"Drag Race All-Stars."

I love being a single dad.

I'm just not looking

for a relationship right now.

I'm open to one.

And I love couple activities.

I think everything's more fun

when you got somebody

to talk shit with.

That's my favorite part

of being in a relationship,

just showing up someplace

together,

just being like, oh...

Oh, shit, girl.

Everybody else here sucks,

but us.

Ooh, girl, we gonna talk

so much shit.

Oh, everybody here

is so stupid.

I don't know why we keeping

coming to my family reunions.

That's just classic comedy.

I just love couple activities,

like just getting real high

together

and getting mani-pedis done.

Yeah.

You guys doing that out here?

If not, you better start,

or I'm gonna take

all your bitches.

You gotta get stoned mani-pedis

with your girl.

First, you get real high,

and then you got

these Korean slaves

that clean your feet for you.

I know that's not

a nice thing to say.

But that's what makes it fun

when I go.

I role-play.

I'm like, I'm the king.

I don't understand your words.

Sing your slave songs

elsewhere!

My favorite couple activity

is as simple as just laying

in bed together,

listening to music.

Doing some bed dancing.

Just trying to recreate

Jay-Z/Beyoncé videos.

And I sing the Beyoncé part.

And she does the Jay-Z rap.

And every time Jay-Z

says the N-word,

I say it for her 'cause she's

probably a white girl.

Ah, so fun.

Your reaction was exactly like

I thought it would be

without looking at you.

Let me explain myself.

I don't want to sound

prejudiced at all.

I think all women are

beautiful, wonderful creatures.

I think black women

especially so,

and I don't want to add

to this thing,

I don't know if you guys

are aware of,

but there is a history

in Hollywood

of trying to make black women

feel less wanted,

less attractive,

less sexually desirable.

I don't ever

want to add to that.

I don't think that's the case.

But I want to be true

to myself.

I grew up in the south side

of Chicago,

which is a very rough area.

I'm not a tough person.

And a lot of women

I was going after,

especially a lot

of the black women,

they like the tougher type

of black dudes.

That's what they saw, you know?

That's what the media

showed you, you know?

There's only, like,

one or two types of black dudes

they try to show you,

and there's so many different

types, you know?

But they only like to show you

a couple,

you know, like "thug"

or "dead."

And that's not cool.

There's so many different types

of black people.

There's so many different types

of any type of people.

There's just so many

different types

of black dudes in general.

There's, like, basketball

niggas,

there's "Dragon Ball" niggas.

I'm a proud

"Dragon Ball" nigga.

It's just who I am,

and sometimes that didn't work

with the women I was going

after, you know?

They wanted more of a tough,

strong, dominant black man.

So many of 'em were like that

to the point

I just started pretending

like I was that, you know,

if they didn't know me,

if they didn't know who I was,

if they didn't know I was

a Care Bear cousin inside.

But eventually,

they figure it out,

and they'd be like,

Look, Ron, I'm sorry.

You're a good guy.

And that's the problem.

I'm looking for a tough,

strong, dominant black man

to help take care of me.

And I'd be like, Well,

quite frankly...

So am I.

You don't think I want to ride

on The Rock's shoulders?

Eating an ice cream cone?

Girl, do you even look

at my vision board?

Oh, it's fun to say,

but it's more fun to imagine.

Like The Rock's just carrying

me on the beach on the sand.

But he's not even wobbling

'cause his quads are so strong.

And I'm like, are you okay,

The Rock?

He's like, Oh, I got you,

little buddy,

and I'm like,

he called me little!

I'm gonna eat more ice cream!

That's my favorite person.

I mean, sometimes my son is,

but not usually.

But I always love The Rock.

He's amazing.

He's done so many great things.

The Rock is a surefire

WWE Hall of Famer.

He's the greatest actor

of our generation.

I was like,

why the fuck were you laughing?

He's hopefully

the next President

of the United States

of America.

He's Dwayne

"The Rock"

Johnson.

The Beyoncé for boys.

Oh, The Rock is perfect.

He can do no wrong in my eyes.

The Rock?

Oh, The Rock could

murder my whole family.

And I would just assume they

did something to deserve it.

'Cause The Rock's not

doing that willy-nilly.

Not The Rock I know.

Not "Escape From Witch

Mountain" The Rock.

That's an underrated classic.

If I was out on a date

with a lady,

and we were all cuddled up

together,

which sometimes happens.

And then The Rock saw us,

and he was like, oh.

You guys make a cute couple.

But not anymore.

'Cause I want to fuck her.

I'd be like, well, sir!

I'ma check with her first.

Oh, but on this end,

there are no issues.

I mean, if The Rock

was hitting on me,

if his muscular finger

went against

the nape of my neck, oh...

I mean, I like to think

I'm straight,

but in this case, you know,

who really knows?

Maybe I am a Rock bottom.

I don't know.

Look, all I really know is,

if The Rock was hitting on me,

I'd just be like, uh...

I'ma have to see

where he's going with this.

But I think I smell

what The Rock is cooking.

Smell that dick.

That's fun to say!

Smell The Rock's dick!

Glad you guys like that.

My mom hates that joke.

Not The Rocks dick part

of the joke.

She actually likes

that part of it.

She keeps trying to get me

to add more to it.

She's like, talk about the

veins. Talk about the veins.

My mom doesn't hate The Rock's

dick part of that joke.

She hates the dating

white ladies part.

Uh--

Much like you seem to.

Uh--

And that's fine.

That's a perspective.

You know, it's just that

my mom would prefer

if I were to settle down

with a full-black lady,

give her some nice full-black

grandbabies,

'cause my mom's "a racist."

And it's fun to say that

out loud.

And it's just true.

My mom's a little racist.

She's a little homophobic.

My mom's like

an old-timey

Southern conservative

white man...

That somehow got trapped...

In a poor black lady's body.

Just like the best episode

of "Quantum Leap" ever.

Okay!

Okay, you guys are cool.

You like shepherd's pie jokes.

"Quantum Leap" references

way past their expiration.

I just try not to judge my mom,

you know?

I just love my mom to death,

and...

you know,

she's a little racist.

It's okay,

a lot of older people are.

She doesn't make laws

or anything.

It's just that my mom grew up

in a different time, you know?

My mom grew up in a time

when racism was very prevalent

in America,

not like today.

Oh, what have you heard?

Well, my mom grew up in a time

where racism was more

in-your-face.

Everybody was doing it,

and nobody knew why.

It was like Pogs.

Ha.

That's a weird joke.

If you got it,

or if you didn't get it,

you're right.

It's a weird joke to put at

the end of your entire set.

After you've earned

everybody's trust.

But I think it's one of the

best jokes

that sums up my entire act,

if not my life.

Well, I know, like, half

the people around me are like,

"I don't know what the fuck

this nigga's talking about."

But there's always, like,

one cool dude in the back

who's like, I got a slammer

in my pocket right now.

Seattle, thank you so much!