Romeo and Romeo (2011) - full transcript

So am I right?
Is it the universal ball joint?

Well, the universal ball joint's no picnic,

but your transmission's been leaking
in about four spots.

Why didn't you have me
look at this thing earlier?

'Cause you're never lucid this long.

Had a chance last week,
but by the time I got you in the coveralls,

you thought you were an exterminator.

Spent three and a half hours
under the house.

I kill anything?

- A few rats and a snake.
- Man!

The things you people tell me I do.



I tell you, getting old is quite a ride.

Is that Maw Maw underneath the car?
Damn it, Burt!

We said, next time she's lucid,
we'd get her to fix the sewing machine.

Well, you weren't here. Finders keepers.

I got dibs on her next.

I'm gonna get her to put a phone jack
in my bedroom.

Jimmy.

Come here.

What?

Speak Spanish for Carmela.

- I really don't...
- Jimmy.

She's my boss.

Here we go, oh, oh, oh

Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh



Birth control, no, no, no

Let it roll, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

Here we go, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

I saw Javier and Marcus riding their
bike by the propane place.

They said to call you a wuss-face punk-ass
or wuss-ass punk-face. I don't know.

It was those four words.

Yeah, we were at the park,
and they kept wanting to freak people out

by driving the van through the parking lot
with Hope on the roof.

That's fantastic. Did people freak?

Oh, I didn't do it.
They called me lame and took off.

You got a red nine for that 10.

Damn it, Jimmy.
How am I supposed to learn?

Well, you're growing apart.
You have a baby and they don't.

Yeah, we had a lot of friends
before you came along and scared them off.

- Pretty amazing, huh, guys?
- Well, that's gross.

We're gonna go back to prom now.

Being a young parent can be lonely.

It's hard to meet people
you can connect with.

We always had each other,
right, honey bunny?

- Well, that doesn't help me out.
- Oh, yeah.

Your honey bunny got electrocuted.

Well, you always got us as friends.
But don't get too smothery.

We like our space.

Listen, I've been thinking about how sad
it is that you have no friends...

No dad friends. I mean, I have friends,

they just don't understand
what I'm going through.

Fine, split hairs. It's still sad.
But guess what.

I think I just found you the perfect guy.

- Get out of here. Really?
- Yeah.

- Is he tall?
- Uh, he's medium height.

- Is that a deal breaker?
- Yeah, it's not a deal breaker,

it's just, you know,
you start to picture your ideal guy.

You know what? I need to stay open.
As long as it's someone who gets me.

And I wouldn't complain if he's outdoorsy.

Oh.

Okay, everyone, listen up.

Eddie and I have lost
a stuffed blue elephant.

It has green feet
and the nose is a little bent.

Ma'am, police your area.

If we don't find this thing,
this kid is gonna lose his mind.

And I will not have another Chernobyl
like I had in the cell phone store.

Look at him, frazzled, in over his head.
He would totally get me.

Yeah.

'Sup?

Uh, can I get one pound of fake crab salad?

I see you got a kid there. Cute.

- What is he, about one?
- Yeah.

- My daughter's the same age.
- Really?

- I don't meet a lot of other young dads.
- Yep. Doing it alone.

- Single dad style.
- Me, too.

Wow. That's cool.

Yeah.

- Well... Here's your fake crab salad.
- All right.

Yo, take care.

Sometimes we get real crab. In here.

Goes pretty quick, but I could put some
aside for you if you left your number.

You know, if you like real crab.

I love real crab.

Got the digits.

Oh, come on. Just call him already.
I'm running out of battery.

I will call him when I'm ready.

And it's not helping
that you're recording this.

You're making a new friend.
It's a big moment.

I don't know what you're nervous about.
Said you two fellas had a spark. I'm jealous.

I can't remember the last time I had
a spark with a potential guy friend.

All right, I'll do this.

I thought I had a spark with a guy
at the post office.

Locked his keys in the car
and I was helping him out.

Chatting up a storm.

Got the door open,
he hands me five bucks and drives off.

I wasn't looking for money.
I was looking for a friend.

I know. You told me that story.

- Shh! I've got his voice mail.
- Play it cool.

Leave a message or text me.

Justin. Hi-ho.

Oh, hi-ho. What was that?
I sound like a dwarf.

Not that there's anything wrong with
dwarves, in case your son is a dwarf.

I mean, he looked normal, for a baby.

But you don't really know
until they're, like, three.

Oh, this is not going as well as I'd hoped.

- You haven't said your name yet.
- Yeah.

Sorry. This is Jimmy,
from the grocery store.

I meant you could still hang up.

If you are satisfied
with your message, hang up.

To re-record, press one.

I can re-record.

If you are satisfied with your
message, hang up.

To re-record, press one.

It doesn't work with a rotary!
Why do we live in the '70s?

- I got this.
- Where are you going?

Hold on. I think I can do a one.

Beep!

Beep!

No, I think it's lower.

- Beep!
- Yeah.

You have pressed five.
Five is an invalid option.

Damn, I was so close!

If you are satisfied with your
message, hang up.

I use this when I call Moviefone.

Message deleted.
Re-record your message.

Please leave a
message or text me.

Hey, Justin,
this is Jimmy from the grocery store.

I was just figuring, you're a dad
and I'm a dad,

so why should a dad and a dad be sad
when fun could be had?

Whew.

Yo, J-Dawg. It's J... Dawg.

Hey, my brother from another mother.
Oh, God, that was creepy.

Hey, Justin, this is Jimmy from the store.

- I was wondering...
Hello?

- Who is this?
- Maw Maw, it's me.

Shh! I'm on the phone. Hello?

- Who is this?
- It's me!

Shh!

Who is this?

Hello, Justin. Jimmy C. here.

What? I thought that was good.

Come on. "Jimmy C."?
We're better than that.

I can't do this.

- Hello?
- Hey, this is Justin.

- Did somebody there call me?
- Oh, yeah. This is Jimmy.

Jimmy Chance from the grocery store.

It's him.

- Oh, the crab meat come in yet?
- No, not yet.

But I was thinking,
you have a kid, I have a kid.

- Apparently, it's good for them to socialize.
- We should have a playdate.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

Yes, we should have a playdate.

- All right, well...
- Hello?

- Maw Maw, I'm on the phone!
- Who is this?

Your brain gets scrambled,
and you forget how to be with adults.

- I know.
- I burped a coworker once.

She was chugging a soda,
and I just went on instinct.

- Any gas come out?
- Fair amount.

- Any gas come out?
- Fair amount.

Goodness! Lord have mercy!

You know, I don't care what the hell
SkyMall said this would do for my calves.

Hard to keep my balance on these things.

Mom, this is Jimmy.

It's nice to meet you.

I was wondering if Justin
had the whole place to himself.

No, I let my mom and dad live here.

Oh, it's the least he could do,
since we own the place.

Justin, why don't you go get some wine?
I wanna hear all about your new friend.

Yeah, okay.

I'll get it.

Okay. Hi, come on in.

There we go.

Hey, listen, my husband said

that one of you is not getting high enough

with the squeegee in the shower,

and he's getting mildew in the corners.

- So...
- Jimmy.

Hi, Rosa.

Oh, you guys know each other?

It's a small world!
They clean your house, too?

They don't, but I do.

Yeah, Sylvia, this is my mom, Virginia.

I know her name. Hi!

- Hello!
- Nice to meet you.

Well, we actually have a couple houses
to clean after this,

so we should probably get started, huh?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Nice.

So...

Tell me about yourself.

What do you do and how you ended up
with this beautiful baby girl?

You know, this is crazy. Jimmy's mom?

Yeah. Come over here and sit with us.
Have a glass of wine.

Oh, I don't think my boss would want me
to do that.

That's crazy.

She's gonna come sit down with us
and have a glass of wine.

It's okay by me.

Come, please.

- It's the '05. Nice, right?
- Mmm!

Mmm!

- I really like your sheets.
- Thank you.

They're very easy to fold.

You know what?
I really should get started working.

This just doesn't feel fair
to Rosa and Carmela.

You know what? You are totally right.
Everybody, sit down. Sit down.

No work today. No work. No trabajo.
Yeah, sit down. Please.

So, what do you do
on your day off, Rhonda?

It's Rosa.

Because it's weird, that's why.

I was supposed to be cleaning their house,
but instead...

...everyone was sitting around sipping on
my favorite pinot.

I mean, look,
I am sure they are very nice people,

but employers and employees...

...are not supposed to hang out together.

Friends are supposed to compliment
each other on their hair,

not pull big wads of it out of the other
one's shower drain. I'm sorry, Jimmy...

...but you're gonna have to find
a different friend.

Look, that's not fair.
Just 'cause you're uncomfortable. Dad?

- Back me up here.
- I'm with your mother on this one.

They sat around drinking all my wine,

when they were supposed to be
doing my laundry.

My Snuggie's in the hamper.

Tell me, how am I supposed to watch
Bones tonight and stay warm?

You keep looking. I'm sure you'll...

...find another guy
who might not be your dream friend,

but at least he'll be poor like us.

- But this guy is...
...perfect for me!

Besides, Jimmy already invited
us over for...

...dinner here with us, Saturday night.

- And they...
...accepted. So we have to go.

- Canceling out would be...
...rude!

We invited them, they said yes.
We're not canceling.

- Fine!
- Fine!

- Fine!
- Fine!

- You'll see.
- It'll be fun.

Speaking of fun,
a crazy thing happened at work today.

So, I'm raking the lawn
for this new client, Mrs. Waterman,

when suddenly I am stung
by this horrible smell.

And I knew what it was. It was...

...my secretary, Donna, right?

Now, she is a big girl and has no business
being on top of a ladder in the first place.

So, I come through the door and I'm...

...face to face with the biggest,
hairiest, smelliest...

...crack, right there in the ladder!

And down she goes. So, I try to help by...

...reaching deep into her shrub.
I am up to my shoulder.

Again, I'm telling you,
this is a huge woman! So...

I'm digging in there, feeling around.
And I pull out...

...my lawyer, John Reynolds.

And he doesn't think she'll sue if I send
an apology note and a nice gift basket

filled with delicious little...

...dead baby sparrows.

Four little pink ones, about yea big.

Do me a favor. Please tell your...

...boring work stories
at this dinner we're going to.

That way,
they'll never wanna see us again.

I don't like using these too often.

The specialness wears off
and she won't get as excited about it.

Do it!

This dinner is very important to me,
and I need to keep her busy.

What's Burt got?

- What's he got?
- Saltwater taffy!

Taffy! Taffy! Taffy!

Okay, Maw Maw, go get it!

Get that taffy, Maw Maw. Get it!

She gets pretty excited when she finds it.

We'd better put some newspapers down.

God, I hope Sylvia doesn't recognize
her old wine bottles.

They're here.

Oh, come on.

Even if you're not looking forward to it,
you can at least fake it.

You know, put a big, fake smile
on your face

and act like you're happy to be here.

We're so happy to be here!

Love the wine. It's our favorite.

- It's hard to get.
- I have a secret place.

- What year is this?
- 2011.

That fancy watch
doesn't have the date, huh?

Hey, Jimmy, I think there's something
wrong with my fuel line.

Is your Maw Maw lucid?

Unfortunately, she's batcrap normal
right now.

Oh.

Oh, and Sabrina, this is Justin.
Justin, Sabrina.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Look at you two hanging out.
Like two penises in a pod.

Very funny, Sabrina.

You know, not everything has to be a joke,

which is why I'm simply going to go
in the house

and get you an Allen wrench
to fix your moped.

Oh, my God! Me, too!

I got pregnant my sophomore year,
and all the other kids freaked out!

Yeah, I know. All the kids in chemistry
class could dissect a pig fetus no problem,

but you change one diaper on a lab table
and everyone's disgusted.

Oh, man, that was a wild year.

Jimmy was a prom baby.

- Justin?
- Homecoming.

Yeah, I guess it was a bad move
to skip health class

the day they showed you how
to put a condom on a banana.

Don't beat yourself up. I put a condom
on a banana when we had sex,

she still got pregnant.
And it made the banana taste terrible.

Well, you know what? Here's to us.

Donovan and Burt
both started their own businesses,

and we all work very hard,

and now we're all young enough
to enjoy our grandchildren.

Cheers.

Hey, what's up with you and Moped Girl?

- Are you hitting that?
- Well, you know...

No. She's got this boyfriend
that's hardly ever around.

And I'd like to make a move,
but if she says no,

I'll probably lose her as a friend.

I got this.
Look, this is what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna ask her out on a date with me.

- Well...
- But listen.

If she's willing to step out
on her man for me,

then you know there's some wiggle room.

I'm not interested. This is a test.

Once we find out the answer,
you can move right in.

You are smarter and cooler than me,

so, I'm going to assume that what
you just said makes perfect sense.

Cool.

Jimmy!

As soon as this casserole's done,
we're gonna feed these people,

and then you gotta get them
the hell outta here.

What are you talking about?
It sounds like you're having a blast.

- You have so much in common.
- Too much in common.

They were in the same situation we were,

but they did everything right
and made something of themselves.

He owns a chain of car washes.
I still rent to own my leaf blower.

They're so perfect,
it's humiliating hanging out with them.

It's like they're Ken and Barbie
and we're the Potato Heads.

Oh, come on!

Bad news, bro. She shot me down.

This college boy got a serious spell
on this chick.

Crap. Well, I knew it. Thanks for trying.

Here you go, Jimmy.
My moped's working again,

but I'm beginning to rethink my choice
of ironic transportation.

Oh, text me which movie for Friday.

I'll see anything that doesn't have
Matthew McConaughey in it.

All right.

- What was that about?
- Oh, we're going to the movies.

But I thought she shot you down.

She did, but I told her we could hang out
as friends, and she was cool with it.

You know, she has a boyfriend, so
I might as well be on the on-deck position.

But this wasn't the plan.

You're not going to the movies with her.
You're not on deck.

- I'm on deck.
- I'm sorry, man. I like her.

I'm gonna stick around
and see what happens.

You can't call dibs on a
girl that isn't yours.

I'm not calling dibs, I'm calling on deck.

- You can't call that.
- I already did.

- You can't.
- I can. And I did.

Well, I'm just glad
Justin's made a new friend.

It's hard at that age.

Oh, my God! What in the...

I'll call you on Friday from the movies!

Oh, yeah?
Well, I'll find out what theater you're at,

sit behind you and kick your seat!

Fine, and Sabrina will
think you're a creep!

Well, I'll wear a mask!

All right, we'll be in the car.

- Very nice meeting you all.
- Yeah.

And, Burt, the website I was talking
about is PainFreeTweezers. com.

Oh, thank you. Take care!

So, here's your pie.

If the plate's too tough to clean,

just let it soak
and I'll scrape it on Thursday.

I am really sorry about this,
but you know how boys are.

They find a pretty girl

and they'll step on whoever they have to
to get her, you know?

Actually, I don't know.

I don't think Jimmy's ever been in a scrape
over a girl before.

Usually, if a friend likes somebody
he just stays away, you know?

Really? Wow.

Sounds like you raised a really good kid.
I'm jealous.

You must know something we don't.

Again, I am sorry.

Especially after you spent over $2,000
on wine.

You're not perfect.

Excuse me?

I'm telling you, it's not working.

Just give it a try.
Works wonders for your mother.

- They're not perfect.
- What?

They raised a jerk. She told me.

Not only does he steal girls,
but he also went through a phase

where he grew one of those beards
without a mustache.

Gross!

We raised a good kid.
We're better than them at something.

- That is fantastic!
- Isn't it?

We're going to their house next week
for a barbecue.

What? But their son's a jerk who's trying
to steal Sabrina away from me.

I know. Isn't it great?
Burt, we've got friends.

We've got friends.

Why do you people keep giving me taffy?
I'm 84 years old.

Took me half an hour
to pull my dentures apart.

Come, Maw Maw,
let's go get your tools for my phone jack.

Not until she fixes the sewing machine.

I've got a friend!

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