Robin des Bois, la véritable histoire (2015) - full transcript

Help!

Are you hurt?

How can I thank you?
He'd have killed me.

It's ok, I'm here now.

I'll give you something.

I can't accept.

I insist. I have 20 coins.

It's all I have. Will 10 do?

All right, if you insist.

I'll take all 20. Thank you.

Normally, it's double the rate
on a Sunday.



- Mushrooms?
- Yes.

I'm a bit peckish after that ride.

Do you mind?

Of course not.

Thank you.

See you round.

My arrow.

Wood's not cheap!

- Thanks anyway.
- No sweat.

Here. 50 pence for you.

And 50 pence for me.

And the rest...

Why only 50 pence?
You said 50/50.

You have 50, I have 50.
That's 50/50.



Who cares about the rest?

- You're fleecing me?
- I'm not.

Watch out, hide!

Sorry, you saved me

but I didn't ask your name.

My name's Robin.

What's with all the questions?

The name's Robin. Robin...

The guy in the hood in the wood.

Robin hood the true story

Open in the king's name!

How long

will we let this scandal continue?

No decent king lets his people starve!

We're cold and hungry!
They're bringing us down!

And who profits?

Some prince acting like his father?

He's just a kid!

A kid manipulated by a vile sheriff

since our fair king died.

My liege,

my dear friends,

thank you for coming
to this charity dinner.

Rise up!

Let us fight the elite!

Like the Sherwood gang!

Long live free england!
Long live the resistance!

Long live the Sherwood gang!

Wanted: The Sherwood gang
reward: £20 - £5 each

Please, sir...

I aimed right for the first time!

I nearly died for the first time!

- It's the boss!
- Cough up.

Is this all?

You spend the day jerking off?

People don't have any money.

"People don't have any money"...
Come here.

I reckon you're just a layabout.

Get to work!

You have to do it all for them!

How's it going, sir?

Not too tough?

We keep trying to get by.

Yeah, it must be tough,
especially now.

People don't give much.

That's right.
Take a look in my bowl.

Your bowl's pretty empty,
my poor fellow.

Good luck.

Is this all?

Why don't we eat the cow?

We're keeping her for winter, children.

We'll be glad we held onto her.

Well?

130.

Impossible. Count again.

Why? You think I can't count?

- 'Cos I'm an arab?
- Screw that.

- Why then? 'Cos I'm gay?
- I don't care!

- 'Cos I'm a Jew?
- You're a Jew now?

My mom's a Jew, so I'm one too.

What a drag! I don't believe it...

Here, Alfred.

With the new taxes,
people are broke.

I'll get more next week.

Let's sit.

I've done a lot in my life.

I'm getting to an age when...

I'm sick of working.

I'm thinking of retiring.

I'm wasting my time.
I don't drink or smoke.

I'm a pretty simple guy.

But I don't want to see this club die.

It's the county's top money-spinner.

- Hello, Alfred.
- Hello, reverend.

A good customer.

What was I saying?

That you're planning to retire.

There, that's it.

- I thought of you.
- Me?

You'd be perfect here.

A change from swindling!

There's no future in it!

I'm dreaming!

Since I was a kid,
I've wanted a hookers' bar!

So think it over!

I'll walk you out.

Look, they're building an inn.

Hundreds of potential clients

who'll be wanting girls.

- They're playing here?!
- Yes, Saturday.

This is the hot spot, pal.

I'd love to own the place
but I can't afford it.

If you hit the jackpot,
come knocking, my friend.

- Hello, dear.
- Hello, mom.

You're working early tonight.

Why are we making less and less?

People are broke.

0k, and why is that?

They pay too much tax.

And where does that money go?

To the king. Why?

So, to make a bomb,
what do we do?

Steal the taxes?
Are you out of your mind?

It'll be the hit of the century.

It'll set us up for life.

Remember what we swore.

We have values!

We only Rob the poor, women,
old folk, cripples...

The rest is too dangerous!

Make it our last job.

We do it, buy the club
and we're in clover!

It's risky.

You bet. It's so well guarded,
no one can get in.

I'm not sure that stick
will be much use.

- What do you see?
- A cow.

Higher up, stupid.

We're too low here.

- I can't see.
- So climb up.

Climb up?

Why me? 'Cos I'm tiny?

- Why? 'Cos I'm gay?
- Not at all.

- 'Cos I'm an arab.
- Oh man...

- No, it's not 'cos you're an arab.
- What then?!

'Cos you're acrobatic!

Your short limbs help you climb.

- I'm a crobatic?
- Acrobatic.

'Cos I'm a Jew?

You have a problem with me 'cos...

Get down!

What's up?

Pee break, is it?

Pee break, guys!

Do you have a double room?

A double?

Yes, I have one left.

The price is ten pence.

We'll take it.

There's only one bed.
It's the wedding suite.

Great, we'll take it.

No, two single rooms, please.

- 'Cos I'm gay?
- Don't start.

20 pence.

Will 12 do?

Get a room, have a bath

and I'll get more money.

We'll take the wedding suite.

Could I have some roses sent up?

Roses for when he gets back.

The smell? We got pissed on.

Come on, move!

They're attacking my mom!

Can't you see I'm busy?

They'll kill her. Do something!

Is she a friend of mine?

Please, there are five of them!

How much?

I won't do it for free!

But I'm broke.

Stony broke..

What's that?

It was my dad's.

Thank your dad.

It was his dying gift.

Suits me. Where is she?

Let me handle it.

Excuse me, guys...

Stop, please.

Stop the attack.

Robin?

No kidding! Henri?

How about that!

Good to see you!

- Hi, Robin.
- Geoffrey!

Test tickle!

- She's not your wife?
- No.

What a hag!

- Mind leaving her?
- No worries.

Hurry before you're spotted.

- Keep in touch.
- You bet.

Have they gone?

All gone.

Thank you...

I'm Marian.

Great. That's just great.

Delighted.

- Is that him?
- Yes.

You fought off five men?

Yes, he did it alone.

Hello, I'm little John.

- I'm Marian.
- Let's drink, Robin.

Pretty name.

Yes, a pretty name.

Thanks.

Sure it's this way?
We're heading deeper into the woods.

What's the story here?

We're in hiding.

The new king hates us.

- The prince?
- No, it's not the kid's fault.

The sheriff's in charge.
It's all because of him.

- So we resist.
- Like the Sherwood gang.

- We are the Sherwood gang.
- Yeah, sure.

I'm the Sherwood gang too.

But we really are.

Me too, I really am...

We worked for the king.

He was a good king.

Since his death, we hide here

and fight.

You fight?

The belts!

Each belt is a bourgeois robbed
and justice done.

- Not bad.
- We need more men.

Men who can defeat five guys.

- I may not succeed every time.
- You will.

Tell him our plan.

In order to feed the poor,

stealing from the rich isn't enough.

So we'll take
what the sheriff has stolen.

What do you mean?

We'll steal back the taxes.

Don't do that.

It's too risky.
The palace is a stronghold.

We won't attack the palace.

We have a better plan.

The sheriff has built a tax center
just outside Sherwood.

Same thing.

It's too secure to break in.

The money's not there yet.

We know when and how
it's arriving.

And they're being discreet.

A light convoy.

Great, isn't it?

Ok, I'll help you.

But I need to know the plan,

in every detail.

- It won't work.
- It will. I've thought it out.

Go to Mansfield.
I attack with the gang.

If you do as I say
we'll be millionaires.

- If you say so.
- I say so.

- Robin!
- What?

I need to talk.

I have a friend
who works with a friend of his.

They grew up together.

They're old friends, really close,

but one feels
a sort of attraction for the other.

He doesn't know how to tell him.

I was wondering...

What you think of that
in relation...

To my friend.

I think I'm your only friend,
so you mean me.

So I think I want to throw up.

Not even close...

Tuck?

Is that your telescope?

Yeah, I don't want it to get stolen.

I was worried!

It's ok, I locked the door.

Good night.

That stick you picked up...

- It's here. I kept it.
- I was worried!

You don't need it in the bed.

You don't want me to...

Good night.

How many sticks did you pick up?

Just the one.

- For fuck's sake!
- What?

Shit!

Robin, behind that bush.

A rope here will halt the convoy
and, right then,

you rush out.

Release the rope!

It should stop them.
But we have a backup plan.

Handsome! Go ahead!

Sorry.

No worries.

That's if the first trap fails.

If that doesn't work,

the bridge is booby-trapped.

They've had it.

Let's do a dry run!

Can I ask you something?

Are you married?

No, I'm not.

I need more than one woman.

My cookie needs to travel.

Hazelnut cookie, vanilla cookie...

By cookie, I mean my dick.

You wouldn't know.

Why won't you date my mom?

Manan?

Seriously?

She's disgusting. Admit it.

She looks like a man!

Why don't I date her?

Ever eaten your own vomit?
Well, same here.

Know what the kid asked me?

He asked me...
Listen carefully...

You sissy!

He asks why I don't date
his ugly ass mom!

She's my sister.

- The other one.
- With the scarf?

That's my wife.

How about we get to work?

Once the rope's taut,
don't give them time to react!

We'll be right behind you.

Are you listening?

You're not looking at me.

Understand? Launch the attack.
We're counting on you.

Got that?

So speak!

- Yes.
- Fantastic!

Shit, they're early.

Easier than I thought.

It's crazy.

- They had fewer guards.
- You said it.

Shit, my bow!

I'll catch up with you.

No, forget it. It's too risky now.

That bow's my life.

It's all my dad taught me.

The only thing I do well.

Be careful.

Thanks, that's cool.

You're welcome, pal.

- Did I hurt you?
- I'm ok.

You don't ask if I'm ok.

How long now?

- They should be here soon.
- Get into place.

Too soon!

What a loser!

That's it, we're screwed.

Oh yeah, the bridge thing...

We're fine then.

You're dead men!
I'll have you quartered!

You have no idea who I am!

You're dead men!

Dead!

I have to get back to the camp.

I'll find you!

History will recall
how I tortured you!

Good luck.

I'll hurt you.

I'll hurt you!

I'll hurt you!

- Where were you?
- I forgot my bow. No party?

No party 'cos there's no money.

No money?

They screwed us!

People say the money was stolen.

But not by us.

Ok, I get it,

blame the newcomer.

No one said that.

If someone else did it,
that has to be me!

You're accusing me.

- We never said that.
- You see!

Because you're convinced I did it!

You want me to empty out my pockets?

I'll do it.

Know what? I won't.

What's the point?
I'm outta here.

Talk about solidarity!
I'm leaving.

Wait!

Feeling guilty?

Feeling guilty? Sure.

For being a hero.

The truth potion!

The truth potion?

It'll make you tell the truth.

If you're innocent, you'll be fine.

All good then, perfect!

I thought it was a dog,
not your leg.

Sorry.

You know,

the guy who did it is heartless.
He stole from us and the poor.

He's a scumbag.

I agree, a total scumbag.

So I'll ask you a question.

And you'll answer.

Listen carefully.

Was it you

who did the job?

I swear...

I did not do it.

30 years with that old bitch!

30 years I've craved
for a young chick with a tiny ass!

So you didn't do it?

I swear,

on the life of every member of the gang,

it wasn't me.

The potion is never wrong.

I screw goats!

At my age, that's all I find.

Every goat in the county.

Baaah!

Don't "bah" me!

And not just goats.

He's one of us!

Cheers.

To goats.

Listen carefully.

What that man did is inhuman.

He stole from the just.

He starved innocents.

He can't go unpunished.

So I promise you...

I'll find that traitor
and I'll spend

every day...

Every night...

Hunting him down. And I swear

I'll find the bastard!

You're my family.

- A family I Cherish.
- Me too.

- I love you.
- I love you!

Me too. So much...

I'm here...

Under new management

Find out about any businesses bought
these last few weeks.

I want every major transaction!

Understand?

You don't.

Apparently not,
since you're still here.

I'll explain again.

I want all the sales registers

and the guy who did it!

Find him!

Find him.

Everything ok?

Enjoy your evening. Welcome.

Sorry, sir, not tonight.
Wait a second.

How's it going, Felipe?

You need to dress up a bit, guys.

You look like beggars.

You're the new owner?

Repeat after me.

"Good luck."

Who are those bums?

The street beggars.
Tuck invited them all in.

He's such a generous guy.

He's gone totally nuts.

But look how happy they are.

It was you, wasn't it?

- You're here?
- You did it.

You stole from us.

Stay out of it, you're too young.

Fine, I'll tell the sheriff.

Stay right here!

You have nothing on me, jerk!

Wait a second!

I get it.

Hold out your wee hand.

- Buy some candy.
- Keep it!

Ok, fine.

I see.

Happy now?

Go tell all your pals!

You can't buy me.

- What do you want?
- Simple.

Pay us back what you stole...

- Or you rat on me?
- Or date my mom.

I'd rather die than date her!

So pay us back
or I tell the sheriff.

You won't do a thing.
Enough blackmail!

The coward!

A low blow!

I'll waste you, kid!

The little weasel!

You fight like a girl.

I'll teach you to fight like a man!

I let you win, you can't...

Ok, I'll pay you back.

But all the money's in the club.

I'll have to sell.

But I don't want to,
it's all I ever dreamed of.

You know the alternative.

Date your ugly mom?

I'm pleased because when I looked at you

I couldn't tell
if you were looking at me too.

I was.
It's just that I can see side-on.

Like a pigeon.

So we're on the same wavelength?

Totally.

Totally. In fact, you have...

Something.

- Thanks.
- No sweat.

Compliments are rare.

No kidding...

After Arthur...

Raoul's father, left us...

It wasn't easy

to consider starting over
with someone new.

You found no one, right?

No one.

Obviously.

My experience with Arthur
was very traumatic.

Even before he went,

he was blind.

Ok!

Ok, I get it now!

What?

Of course, it makes sense!

Yes, he was...

Blind!

Obviously.

Of course...

So he never saw you.

- What?
- He never saw you.

No, he had glaucoma...

Not while I'm eating.

I'm just trying to say...

It's not easy for me.

I don't want you to get ideas.

We won't sleep together tonight.

I'm devastated.

But I'm ready for the challenge.

I'll need to be strong.

Ok, I ruined it.

No, not at all.

I can be so stupid sometimes!

Everything's fine, really.
It's all good.

It's not set in stone.
We can talk it over.

- We can talk.
- It's ok.

- Let's talk.
- I said it's ok!

Sorry.

The potatoes are good.

I'll make an exception tonight.

Rules are rules.

Why should I be an exception
to your rules?

Because“.

Because my great lake

hasn't seen a fisherman's boat
for a long time.

Because my fortress

hasn't lowered its drawbridge
for years.

I think I get it.

Are you crazy! Hold on...

I have a terrible story to tell.

A few years ago,
I was heading down south,

a 3-month walk in winter.

When I had nothing left to eat...

Forgive me...

I still have a hard time
talking about it.

I had to..

Cut off the member
that was the least use at the time.

Meaning?

It wasn't my legs

as I was using them to walk with.

Nor my arms
as I used them for protection.

Not my nose.

Not my ears.

I don't understand.

My sex! I ate my sex.

Ok! I thought it might've been that.

It was.

It must've hurt...

So how do you...

Let's not talk about it.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

Ok, good night.

You're my champ!

The door's there.

- Want me to leave?
- Just there.

Of course.

Shut it tightly.

Maybe this...

No! I said no! Can't you get that
into your freaking head?!

Raouh

wake up!

- I can't. Forget it.
- What?

I can't do your mom.
It's physical.

We had a deal.

The deal's off.
Tell them what you want.

Say I stole the money
to buy a strip club.

Tell them what you like
but I won't do your mom.

I was kidding.

"I won't do her."

Quick! Wake up!

- What's up?
- It's all over.

No club, money or clients.

What?

We got screwed like newbies!

What's going on?

That's not an inn,
it's a fucking church!

Nobody wants to be seen
coming out of here.

He said it was an inn
that'd bring customers.

Are you dumb or what?
I'm telling you we got screwed.

Hold on...

I have to get money somehow!

- You're high.
- I'm not high!

We need to find a big job.

You said no big jobs.

Before.
But we have no choice now.

I want this life, not the old one!

What? Don't you have crates
to collect?

30 crates on my own?

I can't believe this!

Sheriff!

We haven't checked these yet.

Recently acquired taverns and brothels.

Excellent.

But why didn't you start with them?

Didn't you think a robber

was more likely to be a pimp
than a baker?

You never imagined that?

- Statistically...
- You never thought of it.

You never thought of it.

You never thought of it.

You'll end up with the other guy
in the west wing...

Is my dad locked up in the west wing?

What nonsense is that?

You know your dad's dead.

- Who told you that?
- The gardener.

The gardener talks such rubbish!

Want to chase the sheep?

You love chasing sheep
in the fold.

Off you go.

Off you go, my boy.

Bring me the gardener.

Cut into pieces.

Richard lionheart

- Where's Alfred?
- Can I help you, sir?

Get fucking Alfred for me!

It's ok, theobald.

What's wrong, Robin?

- You screwed us over.
- Why do you say that?

You said it would be an inn
opposite the club,

but it's a damn church!

I know it's a church.
I told you that.

You think I was born stupid?

First, change your tone with me.

I will when you stop fucking around!

Ok, I'll stop.
It's true, I screwed you over. So?

So give me my money back!

- No, I won't.
- You won't?

No, and what'll you do?

What'll I do?

What'll I do?

Nothing at all.

You think I'll do nothing?

I know you won't.

Know what I'll do?
Slam the door in your face.

Slam the door in my face?

He slammed the door in my face.

You're finished! Totally finished!

You don't know what'll happen to you!

What'll happen to me?

What?

What'll happen?

You'll see what'll happen!

I'd hate to be in your shoes!

This guy's dead meat!

I think we should open a bar

opposite the church.
It'll make a mint!

Excehentidea.

Are you the manager?

No, he's away.

I'll load the cart, boss.

Well, I am kind of in charge but...

Calling me the "manager"
would be too much.

Are you Robin of Loxley?

Yes, I am.

According to my information,

this is your first business.

There's no trace
of any prior commercial activity.

Yes, on reaching 30,
I felt it was time...

I'll ask you one question.

How did you manage

to acquire this club?

With what funds?

What funds in relation to the money?

Yes, in relation to the money.

I inherited.

An inheritance...

An inheritance from whom?

My mom...

A terrible story.

My mom slept out in the open.

She liked nature.
She was a naturist.

One day, she heard...

She looked up
and the wolves were devouring her.

They left nothing.

Just a finger
but what's a finger compared to a mom?

I imagine you have
the death certificate,

a copy of the will...

The wolves too.

You mean they came twice?
The wolves.

They're obsessed with us.

Don't be offended

but it sounds weird.

I agree!

It is kind of weird.

I'll ask you something

that could perhaps save us both
a lot of time.

I want you to repeat after me,

"good luck."

I never forget

a voice.

Good luck.

You used an accent.

I'm using an accent?

That's always
how I wish someone good luck.

Say it normally!

I am saying it normally.
I always talk like this.

Sorry to interrupt.

There's no one else so I'll do it alone.

Good luck.

There!

Let me explain...

Get in here!

What're you doing?

You're useless!
Holy crap! Bring him back!

I'm a little slut.

I'm a little slut.

I'm a traitor,

a little bitch.

I'm a traitor, a little bitch.

See this?

It's the money you owe us.

Know how you'll pay it back?

No, I don't.

Hold up convoys.

Rich folks' ones, like us.

Not the poor like usual,
son of a whore.

Say you're a son of a whore.

I'm a son of a whore.
It's true too because my mom...

Want us to help,
so you won't be alone?

- Please, help me.
- No.

Do it alone like a piece of shit.

Say you're a piece of shit.

Can I catch my breath?

No way.

Anyone want to spit in his face?

Maybe that's not necessary.

I can explain.

It's grown back!

I swear, it wasn't there earlier!

Father, hear my confession.
There's a man...

That I want to eat.

I don't want to kill him,
I want to eat him.

So he'll suffer.

I want him to suffer

a lot.

Wanted Robin of Loxley

It's simple.

Pay the Robin hood tax

or die by my sword.

But there are four of us,
we'll demolish you.

Wait!

Why no haul today, Robin?

What haul?

We heard you attacked a convoy
but didn't get their money.

Bullshit! Don't talk
about what you don't know.

The attack worked
and I got the money.

I demolished all ten of them.

Not ten, eleven.

I'd wiped out ten
and one more arrived.

Bam! My elbow in his face!

So where's the haul?

The haul?
That's all you care about?

I took it, sacks full of gold.

But on the way back,

I needed to take a leak.

I put the gold down,
turn, do my business

and when I turn, what do I see?
The sacks were gone.

They'd followed me
rather than fight me.

Bullshitter!

Me, a bullshitter?
Bullshitter yourself.

Bullshitter, eat your dinner.

Your food's gross!

Totally gross!

- It's not gross, it's good.
- It's tough.

What is it?

What could I have found
in the forest?

I don't know.

What's in the forest? Trees.

Trees? That's gross.

No, it isn't!

Eat up
or little John'ii breathe in your face.

Seriously, what does he eat?

Does the gang shit in his mouth?

Who wants to shit in my mouth?

Who needs to take a dump?

Animals too? Sure!

Cows, deer...

Go on, take a dump in my mouth!

What a party!

I said he should eat alone.

The jerk's cooked wood for dinner!

Stop!

Good work!

It would be good if you found a way

to arrest Robin hood.

A good idea, just so you survive.

Surviving's good, right?

- I heard my dad...
- Shut up!

Shut up about your dad!
Shut the hell up!

Want to chase the sheep?

Off you go then.

What a jerk, with his sheep.

He chases sheep all afternoon.

With guards watching.

But when they change the guards,

we have five minutes to step in.

You know what we risk?
If we kidnap the prince,

they'll execute us!

His ex is the cutest.

Who could his ex be?

I'm offering you
history's easiest kidnapping!

Ok, a prince is risky

but the size of the ransom
will cheer you up.

Well?

- That him?
- Yes, boss. Tuck shaaz.

- Loxley's sidekick.
- We pick him up?

Watch him around the clock.

He'll end up contacting his friend.

Ok, boss.

I'm gonna eat him.

You understand?

Eat him?

I'll show you how.

I'll peel back his skin like this...

The perfect tense is a tense used

for the past.

It implies that we are talking

about an event that is over before

the present. For example:

I have caught a boar.

I have caught a boar.

I now have

the boar that I have caught.

I have caught a boar.

Understand the difference?

- Are you asleep?
- Shut up!

I can't sleep.

Something weird's happened.

Who cares?

It's keeping me awake.

- What's up?
- It's Marian.

When I hear her say smart things,

I get this strange feeling.

I get like butterflies in my stomach...

You're in love.

No, she's butt ugly.

Butterflies mean you're in love.

- I'm not.
- I guess you are.

What can I do?
Got any advice for me?

Get her a present.

- Think so?
- Yeah.

- A present for Marian?
- Yeah.

Like what, apart from a mask?

- No, that's no good.
- I don't get it.

She's a total hag,

but I feel I want her.

Tough.

It's too late.
You were mean to my mom.

I know.

I regret that.

You three take care of east rufford.

Mansfield and north Sherwood
for you.

Edwin and William, you do Harlow.

Back at 6 for dinner.

What's going on?

They're off to distribute the haul.

Distribute it?

We steal from the rich
and give to the poor.

How do they pay you back?

They don't pay us back.

They're in need of money.

I get it.

You give now

and they pay you back
with interest. Smart!

No. Not at all.

You don't get " giving", do you?

We give money.

They keep it.

And we're happy.

It's our fight for justice.

All right...

I understand now.

It's crazy,
going to such trouble for them.

It's our goal in life.

They have hostages of yours?

A sewer pipe leads to the fold.

But it's too narrow to crawl along.
Just forget it.

A pipe?

Who cares if it's a pipe?

Send a kid in
to get the brat and bring him out!

We can't give up now, guys!

It was easy with Robin.

This is a Jewish thing.

- What?
- He just mentioned a rabbi.

Manan!

It's me, I wanted to tell you

I overheard your class.
Bravo, it was great.

Really interesting.
I've often said,

"I have caught a boar,"
and never knew all about

perfect tents.

The perfect tense.

If you like.
Anyhow, it was fascinating.

- Great class.
- You think that?

- You bet I do.
- You didn't know?

- Know what?
- I don't care what you think.

That's not the perfect tense,
it's the present.

I don't give a shit.

I guess you're upset.

But if you still want dinner,

I'm up for it.

First a scumbag and now a moron.

A moron who offends me.

That's not true...

I never meant to...

To what?

To offend you.

So you don't know what offend means?

Of course I know!

What does it mean?

I don't need to explain
every word I use.

You don't know.

I know what offend means!

In a fight,
we all have to offend ourselves.

It's pathetic.

Path what?

Any witnesses here?

The latrines don't empty themselves!

"I, Richard,
am held by the sheriff of Nottingham,

in a dungeon of my castle.
I am not dead

but alive. Your king, Richard."

If this was written by the king
and he's alive,

we must free him.

First we find the man who gave us this.

Then we meet here tomorrow evening

to set up a plan.

I want in on it.

Do the latrines.

You empty them
until you pay us back.

Ok, fine, I'll pay you back.

I'll pay back every penny.

'Cos the money I stole...

I know exactly where it is.

And how to get it.

Will you follow me?

We need the money

for weapons to free the king.

What's your plan?

Are you crazy?

I'm being watched.
Keep kissing me.

- Where have you been?
- I can't explain now.

- I need you for a job.
- No.

I need you for one. You'll like it.

We kidnap the prince
and hold him to ransom.

I know when to grab him.
Want in?

Forget that, I have a better plan.

We'll get our money back from Alfred.

From Alfred? But how?

I've worked it out.
We'll get back all our dough.

Are you serious?

- All our dough?
- All of it.

Shit, that's wild, man.

That's a huge blast!

How can she still kiss him?

Why?

He said she has a huge ass.

Say you're my woman.

- You're my woman.
- Ok.

- You are?
- I'm your woman.

- You are?
- Your little woman.

- You're my whore?
- I'm your woman.

- Happy birthday, my friend.
- Thank you.

- Any resolutions?
- Yes, I'll behave this year.

You know my mom?

Look who's here.

- Thanks for coming.
- Sure.

Champagne?

Cheers, my friends.

Very nice.

It's good wine.

See the key?

Usually, it's...

- There it is.
- How'ii she manage?

He takes it off to have a bath.

- Ok, let's go.
- Not both of us, I'll go.

Well?

- He's dressing.
- Got the key?

This won't work.

- He's not into brunettes?
- He's not into women.

Seriously? Alfred is...

Well?

We grab the money
before we're spotted.

You bang Alfred.

What?

We need to grab the money.

- The other thing.
- Don't be a drag!

Are you messing with me again?

I'd like you to meet a friend.

He's looked all over for a bathroom.

He'd like a nice bath.

I'm feeling dirty myself.

He's feeling dirty.

- I'll leave you then.
- Ok.

You're a dirty little kitten...

Let's play the magic lamp game.

You have to rub me hard
to make the genie appear.

Can't we play another game?

Ok, I'll sit on your head...

No, not that!

What's going on? Sit back down.
Daddy will get angry...

I'll blindfold you. That's fun.

Yes, great idea!

Sit down now.

Baby wants his feed?
He wants his feed.

Have your feed, little baby!

Baby wants a nice big feed.

No, I'm the baby!
I'm the baby now!

I want my feed.

That's so good.
Don't stop, I like it.

It tickles my finger.

- I want my feed.
- He wants it.

- I'm teething.
- Teething?

I like that.

My little kitten...

- How many hands have you got?
- A lot.

Where are you?

I'll find you... where are you?

Here he is!

Sir?

- Why did you do that?!
- Your butt's too soft.

Soft from eating couscous!

- I don't eat couscous!
- Let's work out.

- I want to go.
- Where are you?

I'm going to catch you...

That's the lot.

Where are you?

Tell me if I'm warm or cold.
Am I warm?

Warm or cold?

- Warm or cold?!
- Tepid.

Nice and clean now?

On my mother's life...

- Who are you?
- Great to see you!

- Delighted.
- We're huge fans.

We heard you'd be here
so we wore the masks.

Thanks, but you're not staying?

We'd love to, but we have to go.

Maybe we'll make the finale.
Blow them away!

Yeah, ok.

Good work, pal.

My friend...

Where were you?

Don't tell, but I've met someone.

Love at first sight.

I think it's mutual.

Our biggest job ever.
I'm proud of you.

You're one of us now.
The debt's paid.

How do we divide the money?

We'll use some for weapons
to free the king and the rest...

The kids will distribute it tonight.

How do you mean?

It'll be wonderful.
You'll give hope to a lot of people.

Can you explain distribution?

'Cos I just sucked a pensioner's toes...

The kids won't do it.

What?

Here, sir. This is for you!

Thank you, sir!

Call me Robin! Robin hood!

Thank you, Robin!

No need to pay me back!

For you!

Which hand do you want it in?

Thank you!

Glory be to Robin hood!

Glory be to Robin hood!

- I love them.
- You'll get us spotted.

No, look, they're so happy!

- What's my name?
- Robin hood!

I can't hear you!

Let's get going now!

Stop, it's over now!

No, there's still money!

There!

Fetch him!

I'll roast his balls!

Think I'm scared of you?

Think I'm scared of you?

I'll take you all on anytime!

I've got you now.

I'll rip out...

Your tonsils! Yes, your tonsils!

I'll rip 'em out!

Let's split!

No, it's not true!
I know it's not true!

What do we do, Robin?

Noidea.

I should surrender
and get killed instead of them.

I meant about the money.

We kidnap the prince?

Seriously?
You're thinking of that now?

I was just saying...

Hold on a second.

That's not such a bad idea.

To save your mom,
show this to the prince.

Halt!

Stop right there!

I'm Robin hood.
Tell the sheriff I'm here.

Come on!

It's my lucky day!

I surrender.

If you free my friends.

And what if I don't?

If you don't?

If you don't free them...

I'd smash your face in if I could.

It's all under control.

I have a plan to get us out.

What plan?

It's a surprise.

A surprise?

You're screwing with us!

I swear it's true.
In an hour, we'll be out.

They hang us in an hour.
What's the plan?

Telling you will spoil it.

I don't believe it!

Open the door!

My friends...

I've built a fine scaffold for you.

We'll hang the men!

I'm so scared!

As for the woman,
we'll keep her to make her a slave.

I'm so scared!

If only I had a plan...

I really do have one.

A wise guy?

The woman hangs too.

You realize what you've done?

Does he realize?

Do you, Robin?

You think I'm kidding?

He finds it funny.

He'll see if I'm kidding.

You'll pay for that!

Stop screwing around!

You have to tell us your plan!

Go on.

It'll ruin the surprise if I do.

Make him shut the hell up!

The noose and the works...
I'm so scared!

Don't hang me!
I don't have a plan.

We're going to be hanged and die.

We're screwed?

I swearl had a plan.

I'm not bullshitting you.

Apparently, it hasn't worked.

I'm sorry.

If we're going to die here,

right now...

I'd like to thank you.

Because, with you,

I've learnt a lot.

Firstly...

He's making a speech now?

I've learnt

that children

aren't just for begging with.

Children

are human beings in their own right.

And those children
won't be children all their life.

One day, they'll become...

Adults.

What an idiot...

I've learnt about women too.

For instance,

a woman can be hideous.

What?

Yet have things to say.

I've learnt that a woman

can be ugly

yet physically...

Interesting.

He means you?

He thinks he's being nice.

A woman

can be ugly, really ugly...

This is ridiculous. Stop it.

Ugly on the outside,

beautiful inside, Marian.

That's enough now, Robin.

I'm being honest.

If you're being honest,

what was your plan?

Even if it didn't work,
I don't want to spoil the surprise.

Outta the way! Let me at him!

I'm gonna demolish
this fucking bastard!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Christmas is early.

I wanted to share
this celebration with you.

Personally, I hate to have to wait
to open my presents.

So I won't make you wait
anylongen

- hang these traitors.
- Stop!

My surprise!

Good thing I didn't spoil it, right?

Who is this? Who let him in?

My name's tuck
and the king let me in!

The midget?

Where is the little jerk?

You mean my son?

I'd have loved
a great surprise like this!

It's not possible.

Not possible.

The king is dead!

Arrest that clown!

He's right!

Arrest the clown!

Arrest him!

There was room to the sides.

Impossible. He's an impostor!

The king is dead!

Hands off! You work for me.

- Let me at him!
- No, let me.

I'll smash your face in,
you dirty traitor,

then I'll kiss you
because you always win!

You goddam bastard!

Here! This is for your whore!

No, let go of me!

I didn't know you were a nurse.

It was my first job
when we lived in Suffolk.

I'd love to go back.

I'll take you one day, my love.

"My love"?

Isn't this a bit sudden?
Hold on...

Yes, it is a bit sudden.

It's good to keep a little distance.

What was that?

- It's good to keep a little distance.
- You're right.

Can I ask you something?

Anything, my love.

Can you cough
so I can get the arrow out?

- Of course.
- Thank you.

This is funny...

It's like a ring.

It's so romantic.

You'll wash your hands?

Of course.

Sherwood new town

We're going to work together.

What happened to my club?

Best business opposite a church!

I have Jesus necklaces, portraits...
Even mini Jesus statues.

Mini Jesus, maxi Jesus,
Jesus' woman too.

They make me a fortune.

Less than the girls.

What?

No kidding?

Why didn't I think of that?

That's my Asian side.

- My grandma's from Asia so...
- You're Asian?

That's a tight hug...

Off to Suffolk?

You'll be back this way?

Look, a barrel. That's weird.

Stop the coach!

What's so weird?

It's weird.

Really.

I don't believe it!

How rare is it to find treasure

out in the wild?

It's a sign.

Hand that money back
or I'll rat on you.

What are you saying?
I swear on the kid's life!

May he die in agony if I'm lying!

I didn't put this here.

Suffolk will suck on a nurse's pay!

Excuse me, Sherwood forest?

What for?

I heard about the injustice.
I'm here to help.

Sorry, but it's all settled now.

You're late, pal.

Head on home.

Let's get going!

The guy wants to save Sherwood.

What a wimp,
I'm twice as beefy as he is.

God, it's taking ages.

Why only two horsies and not four?

Not horsies, horses.

Ok, I'm no expert,

but they look like horsies to me.

All right...

Subtitles: Ian burley, a.S.I.F.

Subtitling titra film Paris