Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) - full transcript

Help! Me house is on fire!
Me house is on fire!

Call the fire brigade!

Don't worry. Come along.
Hurry up. Hurry up.

Well done, lads!

Fill 'em up!

Pass the buckets!

There must be another way
of doing the credits.

That's right!

Every time they make a Robin Hood
movie, they burn our village down.

Leave us alone, Mel Brooks!

Yeah.



♪♪ Yeah.

- Yo, yo, yo!
- Check it out.

♪ Prince John and the sheriff
They was runnin' the show ♪

♪ Raisin' the taxes 'cause
they needed the dough ♪

♪ A reign of terror took over the land ♪

♪ They were shakin' down the
people just to beat the band ♪

♪ I said hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ I said hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ I said ♪ ♪ Hey, nonny,
nonny and a ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ The people were unhappy
Morale was low ♪

♪ They had no place to turn
to There was nowhere to go ♪

♪ They needed a hero but
no one could be found ♪

♪ 'Cause Robin Hood was
out of town I said hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪



♪ I said hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ I said ♪ ♪ Hey, nonny,
nonny and a ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ He was put into the
slammer by his Arab foe ♪

♪ And in a little while he
would be no more I said hey ♪

- ♪ Hey ♪ - ♪ I said hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ I said ♪

♪ Hey, nonny, nonny Hey, nonny, nonny ♪

♪ Hey, nonny, nonny and
a whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Check it out ♪♪

Ow! Ow!

Ah, hello, hello!

Welcome, welcome to le dungeon!

Hello, I'm Falafel, maître d' dungeon.

Please allow me to show
you to your cell. Come.

Duck.

I always forget about that.

I'm so sorry, but we cannot seat
you without the proper attire.

See?

Irving.

Help me.

Ah! That's much better.

And now I leave you in the
capable hands of Muktar.

He's our head guard.

Please, it's better you
cooperate with him.

He's a tough guy.

And if there’s anything you require,
please don't hesitate to scream.

Coming!

We're so busy!

Follow me!

Please sit.

Robin of Loxley, where is your king?

King? King?

And which king might that be?

King Richard, King Louis, King Kong?

Larry King?

Impertinent English dog! You shall talk.

I don't think so.

Chuchim, please,

the tongue looseners.

Speak, you dog.

Speak! Uh-uh.

Ooh!

What did he say?

You don't wanna know.

You very brave for a not-at-homeboy.

Oh, thank you.

I've been in this place for a while.
Perhaps I can be of some service to you.

- Do you have any questions?
- What are you in for?

-Jaywalking.
- Oh. I see.

It's not gonna be easy
getting out of here.

What we need is a great feat of strength.

Feat of strength?

Au contraire!

Now that you are here with me, what
we have is great strength of feet!

- Don't follow.
- Do as I do.

Put your feet on the bar, both feet.

Now, on the count of kick—

Kick! Ha-ha!

- What was that noise?
- Uh, noise? Noise?

Uh— Uh, uh, uh, uh-

The noise you heard was the
breaking of this poor man's heart.

Yes, that's it! Ohh!

- What?
- He's decided to save his life by betraying his king.

- Tsk, tsk, tsk.
- Oh, yes, that's it.

Oh, damn my eyes.

So go. Go tell your superiors
before he changes his mind.

Oh, by the love of Allah,
this is a wonderful thing!

Go.

It will mean a big promotion for me.

Go!

Good news is always rewarded!

Please go.

On the other hand-

bad news is severely punished.

Aah!

Now is our chance.

Quick, follow me!

You get that chain, I'll get this one.
Righto!

We're free!

We're free! We're going home!

Move out of the way!

Come on. Take my hand.

All right, on the count of three!

One, two, three!

I just told them the good news, and-

and-

and I'm in deep shit.

It is a very long journey from
Africa to England, my friend.

Well.

I owe you a great debt
of gratitude, my friend.

I am called Robin of Loxley.

My name is Asneeze, father of Ahchoo.

Bless you. No, no, no, no, no.

Ahchoo is my son. He's in
England, your country.

He's an exchange student.

I'd like you to look after him.

He's in need of guidance. He
is headstrong and cocksure.

Or is it the other way around?

Say no more. I vow on the
sacred word of Loxley,

I give you my undying
pledge, my solemn oath...

on my father's honor, on
the blood of my heart,

on the word of my soul- Good.

on the very center of my
being, that nothing shall—

You must go now, or you
will miss the tide.

Yes, yes. Well, farewell, my friend.

And not to worry. I'll find Ahchoo.

Good-bye, my friend. Farewell.

Safe journey!

Home! Home!

England! Ahh!

Mmm! Mwah!

Oh, a horse. A horse.
My kingdom for a horse.

Get him!

Hold him.

Ahchoo?

Bless you!

Man, I hope someone's getting
a video of this thing.

Damn!

That must be him.

Watch my back!

Your back just got punched twice.

Thank you.

Hey, thanks, man. You're welcome.

Who are you anyway?

I think now is not the
time for introductions.

Time out!

Excuse me, bad guys. I
am running out of air.

Gotta get pumped.

Huh? Huh?

Okay, honkies. Time in!

By the by, do you know praying mantis?

You're looking at him.

Let's get out of here!

Yeah, boy!

Go ahead, punk!

They're witches! They're mad!

They're possessed! They're crazy!

Good work. Thanks, man.

You haven't seen the last of us!

You've seen the last of us.

There she is, Loxley Hall,

home of my family for seven generations.

Let's go!

Move it! Come on. Let's go!

That's it, boys. Let's go. Move it.

That's it! Keep it going!

Keep it going!

Yes, come on, come on. Move it, move it.

Here we go. Stop the castle!
Stop the castle!

You there! I demand to know
what is going on here!

Read it and weep.

Hey, what up with that?

"Hear ye, hear ye.

"For failure to pay back taxes,

"all the lands, castle and properties
of the family of Loxley...

"shall be taken in lieu of payment.

Signed, Prince John's royal
accountant, H.M.R. Blockhead"?

This is a sham!

I vow here and now I will restore
my castle to its rightful place.

Yeah, yeah. You vow, we move!

Let's go, boys! Take it out!

So long! Move it!

Keep it going! Come on!

That's a boy!

Blinkin?

Who's that? It's Blinkin.

Our family's loyal, blind servant.

I gotta get the horse, man. Good.

Blinkin! Uh, be right out.

Blinkin!

Master Robin, is that you? Yes!

Back from the Crusades? Yes!

And alive? Yes.

Oh, happy day!

I'm quite sure there was a door there.

Master Robin!

You lost your arms in battle.

How— How terrible!

But you grew some nice boobs.

Blinkin, I'm over here.

Oh. Uh, later.

Blinkin, listen to me.
They've taken the castle.

I thought it felt a bit drafty.

Ohh!

This never would have happened
if your father was alive.

He's dead?

Yes.

And my mother? She died
of pneumonia whilst—

Oh, you were away!

My brothers? They were all
killed by the plague.

My dog Pongo?

Run over by a carriage.

My goldfish Goldy?

Eaten by the cat.

My cat? Choked on the goldfish.

Oh, it's good to be home,
ain't it, Master Robin?

Oh! Oooh! Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What is that?

Oh, your father wanted
me to give you this.

He said that inside is the key...

to the greatest treasure in all the land.

Ohh. May I keep it?

Um, no, Blinkin. I think I ought
to honor my father's wishes.

Of course.

Come, Blinkin. Let us leave
this depressing foundation.

We have much to do and
less time to do it in.

Yes.

Hey. Hey, Robin, wait up.

Oh, well done, Ahchoo.

Yeah, he was running fast,
but I caught his ass.

Who's that? Blinkin, I'd
like you to meet Ahchoo.

A Jew? Here?

No, no. Not a Jew. Ahchoo.

Hey, put it there. How do you do?

I've been better.

- What is that?
- Help me! Help me!

Aah, save me! Save me!

Looks like a runaway white boy.

All right. Steady on. What's the matter?

They're after me. Who is?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Over that boy hand!

Hand over that boy.

Who demands it? The
sheriff of Rottingham.

And what has the boy done?

He was caught poaching
in the king's forest.

He "deered" to kill a king's dare.

Dared to kill a king's deer.

And this is an offense?

One punishable by death.
Where have you been?

Fighting with King
Richard in the Crusades.

Unfortunately, my father couldn't
get me into the National Guard.

Whoa-oh!

How dare you talk to me in that fashion?

Who are you? I am Robin of Loxley.

Oh, yes, yes, I've heard of you.

They say you're pretty
handy with a sword.

Let's find out!

I was angry at you before, Loxley,

- but now I'm really pissed off!
- Pissed off?

If I was that close to a horse's wiener,

I'd be worried about getting pissed on.

You know, this wasn't a very smart
thing for you to have done, Loxley.

I'll pay for this!

You'll pay for this!

Kill them!

Wait, I've... changed my mind.

Wise decision.

So, until we meet again,

have a safe journey.

Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Ah!

Mind the big rocks!

♪♪

Shut up, you bloody fools!

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Oh, thank you for saving me life, milord.

I shall tell all that I see that
there is one man in England...

who's not afraid to stand up
to Rottingham and his men.

Good. Tell them that.

And tell them also that I vow
to put an end to the injustice,

right the wrongs, end the tyranny,

restore the throne, protect the forest,

introduce folk dancing,

demand a four-day work week...

and affordable health care
for Saxons and Normans.

Yes, yes. Good, good.
Well, it's getting dark.

I gotta go home alone now.

Right, right. Good-bye.

What an unusual child.

Hmm.

♪ Where is the one ♪

♪ That I love most of all ♪

♪ When will I hear him call ♪

♪ Marian, Marian ♪

♪ He is the one ♪

♪ Who can make my life whole ♪

♪Joyful forevermore ♪

♪ I've waited so patiently ♪

♪ For a true love ♪

♪ When will he come for me ♪

♪ Where is he Where is he, oh ♪

♪ Where is the man ♪

♪ Who carries the key ♪

♪ When will he be ♪

♪ With his Marian ♪

♪ Marian ♪

♪ I cannot wait ♪

♪ Till he sets my heart free ♪

♪ Oh, when will I know him ♪

♪ When will I see him ♪

♪ When will I hear him ♪

♪ Say Marian ♪

♪ My love ♪♪

♪♪ Oh!

Hurry up, mein lady!

You better get out of that tub...

before that thing begins to rust.

All right, Broomhilde.

Hurry, hurry. It's freezing.

Button up. You're going to
catch your death of cold.

Oh, these castles are so drafty.

Toasty warm.

Oh, Broomhilde, look.

A happy little bluebird.

Hello.

Ah. This means I must make a wish.

I hope against hope,

I wish against wish...

that the heavens bring me a
kind, wonderful, gentle man...

who possesses the key to my...

heart.

Good-bye, my little friend.

Ooh, that happy little bluebird...

has left a happy little
doo-doo on your hand.

Prince John, I must speak with you.

All right, everybody. Later, later.

See you later. Oh!

Sire.

I have news.

What sort of news do you have?

Not bad news, is it? You
know I can't take bad news.

The day started out so good. Had a
good night's sleep. Had a good B.M.

I don't want to hear any bad news.

Now, what type of news is it?

Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad!

I knew it!

I knew it was bad news!

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

Maybe if you tell me the bad news in
a good way, it won't sound so bad.

The bad— The bad news in a good way?

Yes, I can do that. Bad
news in a good way.

Um— Well, here goes.

Wait till you hear this. I just
bumped into Robin of Loxley.

He's back from the Crusades.

You know, he just beat the
crap out of me and my men.

He— He hates you, and he
loves your brother Richard.

And-

he wants to see you hanged!

You-

We're— We're— We're in
an awful lot of trouble!

What, are you crazy?

Why are you laughing?
This is terrible news!

Well, I-I- You-You told me-

I was just trying to soften the blow.

Well, you blew it.

This is a knotty problem,
sire, not easily solved.

Yes, you're right.

What to do?

What to do? What to do?

Got it! Latrine!

The weird creature in the tower,
the one who protects my future.

The weird creature in the tower,
the one who protects my future.

Oh, yes, Latrine.

Is she ugly!

Latrine? Latrine, where are you?
I must talk with you!

- Latrine! Latrine!
- No!

Oh, it's you. There's a
new threat to my power.

What can you tell me
about Robin of Loxley?

Robin of Loxley? Robin of Loxley.

Let me see.

Raven's egg,

blood of a hen!

Little bit more blood, yes.

Eyeballs of a crocodile.

Testicles of a newt.

I guess he's a transsexual now!

Yeah. Ugh. Yes.

Mmm!

Robin of Loxley is handsome and brave.

He seeks to regain his family's honor.

The little sod could be trouble.

Are you certain? Certain?

You want certain, hire yourself a witch.
I'm just your cook.

Here. Eat this.

Hmm, looks fabulous.

Looks like a seder at
Vincent Price's house.

Such an unusual name, Latrine.
How did your family come by it?

We changed it in the ninth century.

You mean, you changed it...

to Latrine?

Yeah. Used to be Shithouse.

It's a good change.

It's a good change.

Now, what about this Robin fellow, huh?

How can I stop him?

Maybe I could devise...

a magic potion,

one that would make him unable
to perform the slightest task.

But in return, you must help me.

What, are you kidding? Name it.
Anything you want.

Put in a good word for me with
the sheriff of Rottingham.

I've got the hots for him.

Hmm.

I keep a likeness of him in my boudoir.

Oh. Ohh!

Oh! Oh, Rotty!

Rotty, Rotty, Rotty!

I am amazed,

to think that a handsome blade
like the sheriff of Rottingham...

would ever want a creature like you.

Well, if you’re gonna puncture my dreams,

you can forget about my
promise to help you.

No, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait.

Maybe if we got him drunk.

Very drunk.

You got a shot.

Ooh, good!

Whoa.

Dismount.

Wait here. I'll go make sure it's safe.

I say, would you mind, um,
awfully, getting out of the way?

I say, not until you pay the toll.

Toll? What toll?

Well, the toll you pay
for crossing me bridge.

I'm not paying any toll.

This bridge is on my family's land.

Well, it used to be my family's land.

Hey. Hey, you're— you're Robin of Loxley!

Hey!

Yeah!

And who might you be?

Oh, they call me Little John.

Uh, but don't let my name fool you.

In real life, I'm very big.

I'll take your word for it.
Now let me pass.

Uh- No.

Sorry, but a toll is a toll,

and a roll is a roll,

and if we don't get no tolls,
then we don't eat no rolls.

I made that up.

It's very fascinating. I'm afraid
I'm going to have to hurt you.

Oh, yeah. My pleasure. Will!

Thank you.

Hey, Blinkin.

Did you say, "Abe Lincoln"?

No, I ain't say Abe Lincoln!
I said, "Hey, Blinkin."

Hold the reins, man.

Damn.

Hey, Robin, Robin.

Excuse me. No, excuse me.

Hey, look, man. You
don't have to do this.

Look, this ain't exactly the Mississippi.

I'm on one side, see?
I'm on the other side.

I'm on the east bank.
I'm on the west bank.

It is not that critical.

Not the point. It's the
principle of the thing.

Yeah.

Nice knowing you.

Aah!

Ow.

Ow.

Ow!

Uh! Ho!

Help me!

I can't swim!

I'm drowning! Oh, no, I'm drowning!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Oh, God! Oh, I'm drowning! I'm
drowning, I'm drowning, I'm drowning!

There, there. You're all right now.

Thank you, Robin. You saved me life.

What? Air!

Sorry.

There. I'm in your debit.

Think nothing of it. Hey,
are y'all all right?

Huh. Let me introduce you to my friends.

That is Blinkin.

And this is Ahchoo.

Bless ya.

That's my name, man.

Ahchoo.

Here, let me introduce you to
my best friend, Will Scarlet.

Scarlet's my middle name.

My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.

We're from Georgia.

He's deadly with his daggers.

Really? How's about a demonstration?

Gladly.

All right then.

Fire an arrow straight at my heart.

- Are you serious?
- Absolutely.

Okay. Good-bye.

Hey, what part of Georgia are you from?

South Central?

Well, I haven't quite
figured that part out yet.

I see.

I'm sorry 'bout the toll thing, Robin.

I mean, it's Prince John.

He's taken our homes
and everything we own.

We've nothin' left. Not
to worry, Little John.

Even as we speak, I'm forming a plan to make
trouble for Prince John and Rottingham.

Tonight, I'll crash their
party and serve warning...

that there are those who will fight
to rid England of their tyranny.

- Good! We'll join you!
- Yeah!

No, no, no, no. I can't
risk the lives of others.

One man can get in more
easily than half a dozen.

Well, I must be off.

Fare thee well. I'll see
thee upon my return.

All right, man. Peace, bro.

Take it easy. Thanks.

Man, white men can’t jump.

Ah. Here you are, son.

Your ticket, sir.

Kill him!

No, wait.

You know, a mime... is a
terrible thing to waste.

Let him go.

Lovely Bristols.

Good evening, milady.

Milady.

Maid Marian, you know our
good sheriff of Rottingham.

You look ravishing, my dear.

Please allow me to help you to your seat.

Mmm.

I must say that Prince John has spared
no expense for tonight's party.

We have exotic foods
from across the seas.

Coconuts, bananas and dates.

Would you care for a date?
Yes, thank you.

How 'bout next Thursday?

Good evening.

That's- That's him!

That's Loxley!

Greetings, Your Highness.

Traif. A present for you and your guests.

That's a wild boar.

No, no, that's a wild pig.
That's a wild bore.

Funny!

Very amusing.

So you're Robin of Loxley, huh?

I've heard so much about you.

- And you are?
- Maid Marian.

Ah, Maid Marian.

Rumors of your beauty have
traveled far and wide,

yet I see they hardly do you justice. Oh!

Quite a smoothy.

He's definitely a smoothy. Enough!

King illegal forest...

to pig wild kill in it a is!

What? What?

I mean, don't you know it is
illegal to kill a wild pig...

in the king's forest?

Is it not also illegal to sit in the
king's throne and usurp his power...

in his absence?

Careful, Robin. You go too far.
I've only just begun.

I've come to warn you that if you do
not stop levying these evil taxes,

I shall lead the good people of
England in a revolt against you.

And why should the people listen to you?

Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods,

I can speak with an English accent.

Oh!

To tell you the truth, this guy
is starting to get on my nerves!

Worry not, Your Highness.

I shall dispose of this
feathered upstart.

I challenge you to a duel.

I accept.

Whoa!

That's going to cost you, Loxley.

Please, put it on my bill.

So it's come down to this, has it?
A fight to the death.

Mano a mano,

man to man,

just you and me...

and my guards!

Ooh!

Check, please. Table one.

Ha!

Uh. Ooh. Ah.

Hurry, let's get out of here!

Oh.

Uhh.

Refreshment, sir. Ah, thank you, Blinkin.

Sounds like we're winning, sir.

Indeed, we are. Carry on. Right you are.

Save me, save me. Hurt them, hurt them!

Yes, save them, save them. Hurt
you, hurt you. I've got it.

Ohh!

Care for some dessert?

One, two, three!

Fire!

Maid Marian!

Do you believe in... love at first sight?

Depends on what you're looking at.

Well? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Where is she? Ohh!

To be continued.

Mein liebchen, I'm so glad I found you.

Come on. This party's getting rough.

Hyah!

Am I good? I'm good.

Bar the doors! Don't let them get away.
Surround the great hall.

Now you're talkin'.

Shut the door.

I hope it's worth the noise!

We've got him. We've got him.

Aha! Right rope.

Oh!

Look at this.

We went from royalty to recycling.

Little John, would you get the door?
Yeah, I'll try.

Well, it's been a wonderful party,

and we'd love to stay
and all that, but, um,

I'm afraid we really must dash, so ta-ta.

No, no, no.

I sent word throughout
England that each village...

should send the very best men they have.

These are them.

Hmm, we're in a lot of trouble.

Good people who have traveled
from villages near and far,

lend me your ears.

That's disgusting.

Hear me!

Men the likes of Prince John and
Rottingham must be stopped.

Stopped from taxing us into poverty, from
taking from us what is rightfully ours.

If we stand up to them,
all together as one,

we can win the day!

We shall go on to the end.
We shall not flag or fail.

We shall fight on the seas and oceans.

We shall defend our isle,
whatever the cost may be.

We shall never surrender.

Then they shall say of us,

"Never have so many...

owed so much to so few."

That was beautiful. What's going on?

They're asleep.

Hey, man.

Tough room.

Why don't you let me give it a try? Okay.

Look at yourselves!

Go ahead. Take a look around.

- Oh, people of Sherwood, you been had!
- - Yeah!

Hoodwinked! Yeah!

Bamboozled! Yeah!

Run amok.

We didn't land on Sherwood Forest.

Sherwood Forest landed on us!

Yeah!

Very good.

They're all warmed up.

Brother Ahchoo is right.
And I say we fight back!

Yeah! Yes.

- Are you with me, yea or nay?
- Which one means yes?

- Yea.
- Yea!

Men, grab your uniforms and equipment...

and prepare for the training sequence.

All right, gentlemen, grab your
feathered caps, jerkins, bodkins,

boots, swords, quivers...

and panty hose.

Now, men, the object of this exercise...

is to hit the target.

All right?

Oh!

Hmm!

Oh!

Now, men, I want you to
keep your eye on Will...

and do exactly as he does.

Ah-ooh!

Yeah! Very good. Well done, Will.

Right! All right, Will!

That's not so hard. We could do that.
Piece of cake.

Good boy. Ready, men?

Charge!

Oh, man.

Hey, Rob, man, maybe we should
take the dummies into battle.

Ha!

Hmm.

Sire? I must speak with you.

What are you smelling?

These aren't my bubbles.
They're from the pipes.

Your Majesty, I have terrible news. What?

"Strucky" has "loxed" again.

What? Loxley has struck again.

I'm gonna need privacy,
so you guys can blow.

Not blow. Blow!

I'm so depressed.

Your Majesty, come with me, and I will show
you something that will make you very happy.

Fetch the royal robe! Your Majesty?

Stop me if I'm wrong about this, but...

wasn't your mole... on the other side?

I have a mole?

What is it?

It's what we've named a stealth catapult.

We've been working on
it secretly for months.

It can hurl one of these
heavy boulders, undetected,

over a hundred yards, completely
destroying anything it hits.

Wow! How does it work? It's quite simple.

You just take one of these heavy
rocks, put it here where I'm sitting,

and then pull on that lever.

You mean, like this?

Oh, Dear Lord,

if you see fit to send
me my one true love—

Thank you!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Here! Let me
work my magic on you!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

No, no! I've got a headache.
I've got a headache.

Where are you going? Oh, bugger!

I was that close.

I touched it.

I don't like the way you're walking.

You've been into the
sacramental wine again.

You're farshnoshket!

You drunken mule, you.

Whoa, Morris, whoa.

Halt there, friend.

You’ve just entered the territory
of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

- Faigelehs?
- No!

No, no, no, no. We're
straight, just merry.

Azoy? And who might you be,

with the exceptionally
long feather in your hat?

I am Robin of Loxley. Robin of Loxley?

I've just come from Maid Marian,

the lady whose heart you stole,
you prince of thieves, you.

I knew her mother and father before
they were taken in the plague.

Lord and Lady Bagelle.

You were meant for each
other, you and Maid Marian.

What a combination! Loxley and Bagelle.
You can't miss.

And who are you, sir?

I am Rabbi Tuckman,

purveyor of sacramental wine...

and mohel extraordinaire.

- Hello, Rabbi.
- Hello, boys.

Mohel. Don't believe I've ever
heard of that profession.

Mohel? He's a very important guy.
He makes circumcisions.

What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?

Oh, it's the latest rage. The
ladies love it. I want one!

I'll take two. Put me down too.
I'm getting one.

I'm game. How's it done? It's a snap.

I take my little machine.

I take your little thing, see?

I put it into this little hole here,

and... nip the tip!

Ow!

- Who's first?
- I changed me mind.

I forgot, man. I already got one.
Christian.

I gotta work with a much younger crowd.

Rabbi, you seem to be
on the side of good.

Will you join us and share
with us some of your wisdom,

some of your counsel, and, uh, perhaps...
some of your wine?

Wisdom and counsel, that's easy.

But this is sacramental wine.
It's only used to bless things.

Wait a minute!

There's things here- there's
trees, there's rocks,

there's birds, there's squirrels.

Come on! We'll bless them all
until we get farshnoshket!

Join me!

Let's hear it for the rabbi!

Good evening, Don Giovanni. Yeah.

Buona sera. Buona sera.

Yes. It was, uh, very good of you
to come at such short notice.

Well. And all the way from Jersey.

Well, it is quite a drive.

Yes, but you do realize that Prince John
expressly commanded this to be a secret meeting?

I mean, who are these men?

These are my trusted associates.

On my right, Dirty Ezio.

On my left, Filthy Luca.

Now. We thank you for inviting us...

on the day of your daughter's wedding.
No, no.

I hope her first child
is a masculine child.

Shut up. We didn't even
have our meeting yet.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

All right.

I understand that you have been
bothered by this fruit, Robin Hood.

That you want Robin rubbed out,

eliminated, maybe even killed.

Yes. You put it succinctly.

Suck what? Succinctly.
It means perfectly.

Oh, yeah. Well, I knew that.

Excuse me, Don Giovanni.

Your lizard seems limp.

At my age, you know, sometimes-

Oh, oh, my lizard. Oh! No.

Nah, he’s just sleeping. Charlie.

Charlie. Oh, Charlie.

Charlie, I could've been somebody.
I could have been a contender.

You know, Charlie's—
Charlie's got bad breath.

Oh! He got excited, you know.

Come over here, Ezio.

Uh— Mmm, no.

Now, normally I would be so
happy to be of service to you,

but there is something that
weighs very heavily on my heart.

In the years that we have been
friends, England and Jersey,

never once have you invited me to
your home for coffee and cake...

or ganool, something, you know.
A "guh-what"?

A ganool. It's a pastry with stuffing.

And it's got sprinkles on it. Mmm.

Excuse me. I don't understand
a word you're saying.

I just came back from the dentist,

and they left in the cotton balls.

I will take these cotton balls
from you with my hand...

and put them in my pocket.

Yeah. Whatever.

You know, your other
associate says very little.

Well, my other associate says nothing.
Why is that?

Because my enemy cut out his tongue.

Good grief! Why?

Well, 'cause he went like this.

And he didn't like it, so
he cut out his tongue.

Come over here. Go like this.

He can't do it.

I love to tease him!

Tell me, Don Giovanni.
Yeah, that's me. What?

What do you intend to
do about Robin Hood?

Listen to this. I got an idea.

Tomorrow— Tomorrow you're gonna
have your medieval fun and games.

You'll make the most important
event the archery contest.

Robin will not be able to resist.
Why is that?

We'll make him an offer he can't refuse.

I was just gonna say that.

That's brilliant! Thank you.

But- What?

You do realize that Robin is
the finest archer in the land?

Oh, no. Don't you understand?

Luca is good, better, best.

Show him your archery medals.

Ta-da!

Wowee!

See? I couldn't have
said it better myself.

Now, Luca beats Robin
at the archery contest,

and then Dirty Ezio makes Robin no more.

No more? All right, you
want plain English?

Robin is gonna be dead.

D-E-D. Dead.

You hear him?

Broomhilde? Broomhilde, wake up!

There's a foul plot afoot.

It's not mine feet. I just washed them.
No, no, no.

Prince John and the sheriff
have hired men to kill Robin.

We must warn him immediately!

Wait, mein lady! If Prince
John should see us-

You're right. We'll go out the back.
Right.

Lady!

Broomhilde, I'm going on ahead.

Catch me up. Come on, Lady.

Farfelkugel!

Ooh.

Farfelkugel. If I was you,

I would never do that again.

Any questions?

Good.

Forward!

Blinkin, what are you doing up there?

Guessing. I...

guess no one's coming.

Please come down from there. Twit.

Well, I guess there's a
ladder around here somewhere.

Oh. Here we are. Right.

Oh, shit.

I can see!

No, I was wrong.

Blimey, these are hard to get on.

Let's face it. You gotta
be a man to wear tights.

Will, how are me seams?

Perfect. Every time.

♪ We're men We're men in tights ♪

♪ We roam around the forest
looking for fights ♪

♪ We're men We're men in tights ♪

♪ We rob from the rich and give
to the poor ♪ That's right!

♪ We may look like sissies ♪

♪ But watch what you say or else
we'll put out your lights ♪

♪ We're men We're men in tights ♪

♪ Always on guard defending
the people's rights ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la la, la,
la, la la, la, la, la ♪

♪ We're men ♪ Manly men!

♪ We're men in tights ♪ Yes!

♪ We roam around the forest
looking for fights ♪

♪ We're men We're men in tights ♪

♪ We rob from the rich and give
to the poor ♪ That's right!

♪ We may look like pansies ♪

♪ But don't get us wrong or else
we'll put out your lights ♪

♪ We're men we're men in
tights ♪ Tight tights!

♪ Always on guard defending
the people's rights ♪

♪ When you're in a fix just
call for the men in tights ♪♪

We're butch!

Marian!

Here. Allow me.

Oh, thank you.

You are so sweet.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Yeah. You can get off me.

Little John!

I panicked.

Darling, what are you doing here?
I have come to warn you.

Prince John and Rottingham have hired
murderers to kill you at the fair tomorrow!

You mustn't go!

That's easy. I won't.

Oh, I'm so happy.

They were going to try to lure you
there by having an archery contest.

An archery contest?

Their archer is unbeatable.

Really? Robin, promise you won't go.

All right. I promise you won't go.
Thank you.

- Hey, wait a minute, Robin. You said that—
- Cool it.

Chill.

Come, my dear.

The night is young, and
you're so beautiful.

B-flat.

♪ The night is young ♪ Haah!

♪ And you're so beautiful ♪

♪ Here among the shadows ♪

♪ Beautiful lady ♪

♪ Open your heart ♪

♪ The scene is set ♪

♪ The breezes sing of it ♪

♪ Can't you get into the swing of it ♪

♪ Lady ♪

♪ When do we start ♪

- ♪ When the lady is kissable ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And the evening is cool ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Any dream is permissible ♪

- ♪ In the heart of a fool ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪

Oh. ♪ The moon is high ♪

♪ And you're so glamorous ♪

♪ And if I seem over-amorous ♪

- ♪ Lady ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ What can I do ♪

♪ The night is young ♪

♪ And I'm in love ♪

♪ With ♪

♪You ♪♪

Em, uh-

Oh, my dearest. I'm ready
for that kiss now.

But first I must warn you.

It could only be a kiss,

for I am a virgin...

and could never...

go all the way. But—

Unless, of course, I were married.

Or if a man pledged his
endless love to me.

Yes- Or if I knew that he
desperately cared for me,

or if he were really cute.

But, my darling, you're shivering.

Are you cold? What are you
wearing underneath that cape?

Practically nothing.

Ohh!

Oh, except that.

I forgot to tell you
about my chastity belt.

It's an Everlast. I'll bet.

Oh, darling. Don't despair.

For it was written on a scroll,

"One day he who is destined for me...

"shall be endowed with the magical key...

that will bring an end to my virginity."

Oh, Marian!

If only 'twere me. Oh, if it
'twere you, 'twould be...

"twerrific."

Achtung! No ding-ding
without the wedding ring.

A-bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Good-bye, my dearest.

- A-bup, bup, bup.
- Toodle-oo.

Au revoir, auf Wiedersehen, ciao.

Time out, time out. What is wrong?

I should have never worn these shoes!

They just don't match my purse.

Blinkin, fix your boobs. What?

You look like a bleeding Picasso.

Oh! Goodness gracious.

Peanuts! Peanut power here.

Hey, poor man's lunch there.
Hey, you. Shell game here.

♪♪

The royal archery contest
is about to begin!

Archers, take your places.

Are we... prepared?

Sire. Hmm?

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

Archers to the line!

Ready.

Aim.

Wait for it.

Fire!

The two archers that hit
the bull's-eye can stay.

The rest of you gentlemen can bugger off.

Granddad won't like this.

There he is.

The old man is Loxley.

Are you sure?

It looks like Mark Twain.

The old man may go first.

Well done, Robin of Loxley.

He's crazy. We gotta stop him.

Sorry, ladies. This is
the royal entrance.

You'll have to go around the other way.

Look what you've done. You idiot!

Now he's even more of
a hero to the people.

Luca Pazzo still has a shot.

But he hit the very center
of the bull's-eye, schmuck!

Wait and watch, sire.

He split Robin's arrow in twain!

Things are looking up, huh?

Nice shot!

Oh, Robin's in trouble. Come on! Hey!

I lost. I lost?

Wait a minute. I'm not supposed to lose.

Let me see the script.

Yo, Robin, time to fly.

Go back to Sherwood Forest!

Oh, good. They've opened the salad bar.

Wait! I get another shot!

He gets another shot!

Does Robin get another shot?

Yes, he does. He does.

Squires and ladies, silence. Listen.
Robin has another shot.

Let's give him the chop!

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪ Quick. Eliminate
him before he shoots.

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪♪

How did you do that?

I heard that coming a mile away.

Very good, Blinkin. Well done.
Pardon? Who's talking?

"Patriot arrow"?

Yes!

Arrest him!

Move it, move it!

Out of the way!

Loxley is a traitor to the crown!

It'll be so much fun to watch you hang.

Wait.

What for?

If you promise not to kill Robin, I
shall do the most disgusting thing...

that I can think of. Mmm.

And what's that?

I shall marry you. What?

You'll be mine? You'll give
yourself to me every night?

And sometimes right after lunch?

Yes. But only my body.

You can never have my
heart, my mind or my soul.

Oh. Oh, yes. I respect that. Mm-hmm.

Marian, my life's not worth it!
Just say nay!

Ha! Walk this way.

Send word to one and all and all and one!

- That's a little redundant, isn't it?
- What?

Shut up! Tell everybody
that before the day is out,

we shall have a wedding... or a hanging.

Either way we ought to
have a lot of fun, huh?

Man, we are grossly outnumbered.

Yeah, so what can we do?

We gotta get the villagers. The villagers?
They're not ready to fight.

Man, we are choiceless.

Blinkin, what's the fastest
way to reach the villagers?

Why don't we fox them! Fox 'em.

Fox 'em. Fox 'em.

Now, Mickey, take this message to
the village as fast as you can.

Pay attention. Have you got it?

Good.

Come on, y'all. Let's get out this
ladies' clothing and into our tights.

Come on, man. There you go.

Let's see. Are you about
a 16, 16 1/2, huh?

Ooh, ooh.

There. It's a little tight.

Well, that's the idea.

Would you care for a blindfold?

No. How about half a one?

A kiss, sir?

♪♪

Sorry.

Good Morrow, Abbot. Good Morrow.

Welcome, Abbot. Good Morrow.

Hello, Abbot. Good Morrow.

Hey, Abbot! I hate that guy.

♪♪

Ooh, she's beautiful. Goodness!

"Here Comes The Bride"]

Present swords!

What's going on?

Just in case you change
your mind, my dear.

I will conduct the opening
prayer in the New Latin.

O Ord-lay,

♪ Amen-ay ♪

♪ Amen-ay ♪♪

We are gathered here today...

to witness the marriage of
Mervyn, the sheriff of-

Mervyn? Your name is Mervyn?

Shut up, shut up!

Continue with the service!

Okay, Mervyn.

Do you, Sheriff of Rottingham,

take Maid Marian of Bagelle to
be your lawful wedded wife,

to love and to hold in
sickness and in health...

till death do you part? Yes!
I do! Get on with it!

Do you, Marian, vow to do all
the stuff I just said to him?

Say "I do," or Robin dies.

I— I-

I— I—

I do... not!

Oh!

Who's the man? Who's the man? Go!

Arrest them! Seize them! Stop them!

Hurt them! Hurt them!

Look! The villagers are coming!

Oh! I believe this belongs to you, sir.

Well, you know what they say.

No noose is good noose.

Nice shooting, Ahchoo.

Well, to tell you the truth, I
was aiming for the hangman.

Uh-oh, fellas. We got company.

On the count of jump. Wait for it.

Charge!

Jump.

Oh, yeah!

Ow.

I shall have you, married or no.

Yeah!

The sheriff. He got your woman, man.

He's takin' her to the tower.

He gonna deflower her in the tower. Ooh.

I'm sorry we don't have enough
time for romance, my dear.

Consider this foreplay.

A chastity belt!

Ooh, that's going to chafe my willy.

I'll be back. Wha-

I hope she's still wearin'
her iron underwear. Yeah.

No matter what you do,

I shall never submi-i-i-it!

- Aha!
- Robi-i-i-in!

Prepare for the fight scene.

Forgive the interruption, my darling.

I'll dispatch your love
and then come back...

and finish the job.

En garde. Thanks for the warning.

Shocking!

Parry, parry, thrust, thrust.

Good!

Hey! Oh, sorry.

It is the key to the greatest
treasure in all the land!

Oh! Robin, this means you've
always been my one true love,

because it’s just the right size.

It's not the size that counts!
It's how you use it!

Robin!

Aha! Ha, ha!

Ha, ha.

Thank you, my friend.

Aah.

Oh, it's not so bad.

I was wrong.

Oh, my dear beloved
sheriff of Rottingham!

You've been run through.

How do you feel?

I'm dying, you fool!

You don't have to die. I don't?

No. I've got this magic pill...

that could save your life.

And I'll give it to you if
you promise to marry me...

and be mine forever.

Oh, all right. Yes, yes.

How do you feel now? Good, good.

Surprisingly good. And yet, somehow...

incredibly depressed.

I always wanted to marry a cop.

Wait, wait! I've changed my mind!

I love you, Robin of Loxley.

And I you, Marian of Bagelle.

Oh!

Oh, my darling.

At last. Yes, yes.

Yes, yes! Yes!

No!

Wait, wait! You're not married yet!

Before you do it, you must go through it.

Or else I blew it.

Hey, Rabbi!

Who calls?

It is I, Robin. We wish to
get married in a hurry!

Married in a hurry!
That's wonderful. Wait!

I'm on my last customer.
I'll be right out.

Put a little ice on it. It'll be fine.
Ay, yi, yi!

Married in a hurry, married in a hurry!
Please invite me to the bris.

Now, are you ready?

Robin, do you? I do.

Marian, do you? I do.

I now pronounce you man and- I object.

Who asked?

It's King Richard, back
from the Crusades!

Boy, now I'm in trouble.

You are no longer worthy to wear...

this sacred symbol of authority!

Oh, please have mercy on me, Brother.

It wasn't my fault. I got some
really bad advice from Rottingham.

Bullshit! Bullshit!

Brother, you have surrounded
your given name...

with a foul stench.

From this day forth,

all the toilets in this kingdom...

shall be known as "johns."

No!

Take him away! No. Wait, wait.

Put him in the Tower of London.

Make him part of the tour.

Robin, the news of your great deeds...

has reached me even in Jerusalem.

England owes you and your men
a great debt of gratitude.

Henceforth, all your family's
rights and lands shall be returned,

and you shall rule all
Sherwood from this day forth.

Kneel, Robin of Loxley.

And arise, Sir Robin of Loxley.

Thank you, sir. Excuse me, King.

Why, if you like this guy so much, do
you object to his marrying Maid Marian?

I have no objections, but I
have not yet kissed the bride.

It is a custom and my royal right.

Hold this, Father. Rabbi.

Whatever.

It's good to be the king.

Now you may marry them. Thank you, Your Majesty.
Here's your knife.

Sword. Whatever.

Okay, where did we leave off?
Oh, that's right.

- We're up to the best part. Do you, Marian?
- I do.

Do you, Robin? I do.

I now pronounce you man and...

wife.

We're going to have to
remodel the castle...

to make room for all the babies.

For my first order of business,

I wish to appoint a new
sheriff of Rottingham.

My friend, Ahchoo.

All right!

A black sheriff?

He's black?

And why not? It worked
in Blazing Saddles.

That's good.

Good-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

♪ So that's the story and
it worked out good ♪

♪ King Richard's on his throne
and Robin's back in the hood ♪

♪ So let's bid our friends a fond adieu ♪

♪ And hope we meet again
in Robin Hood II ♪

♪ I said hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ I said hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ I said hey ♪ ♪ Hey, nonny, nonny,
nonny Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny ♪

♪ Here we go ♪♪

Rise,

Sir Robin of Loxley.

Yeah. Buona sera. Buona sera.

Hey, Abbot!

I hate that guy.

Let's see now, what are you, 16, 16 1/2?

Faigelehs?

Welcome home, Mrs. Of Loxley.

Mrs. Of Loxley. Oh, I'm so happy.

Oh, my dearest.

Shall I... turn the key?

Oh, yes, darling! But please...

be gentle.

Um, darling.

What? You're not going to believe this.

What? It won't open.

What?

Wait. I have an idea.

Call the locksmith!

Call the locksmith!

Call the locksmith!

Call the locksmith!

♪ Where is the one ♪

♪ That I love most of all ♪

♪ When will I hear him call ♪

♪ Marian, Marian ♪

♪ He is the one ♪

♪ Who can make my life full ♪

♪Joyful ♪

♪ Forevermore ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Where is the maid ♪

♪ That I'm longing to see ♪

♪ Where can she be ♪

♪ My sweet Marian, Marian ♪

♪ Oh, when will I ♪

♪ Hold you here in my arms ♪

♪ Knowing ♪

♪ You are my love ♪

♪ I waited so patiently ♪

♪ For a true love ♪

♪ When will he come for me ♪

♪ Where is he Where is he ♪

♪ In all my dreams ♪

♪ There's a vision I see ♪

♪ Your hand in mine ♪

♪ My dear Marian, Marian ♪

♪ There's no tomorrow ♪

♪ Without you, my love ♪

♪ Oh, you are my reason ♪

♪ To be ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ My heart has made a vow ♪

♪ It’s just for you ♪

♪ You are my one true love ♪

♪ Only you ♪

♪ Only you ♪

♪ Where is the man ♪

♪ Who carries the key ♪

♪ Please say it's me ♪

♪ My dear Marian, Marian ♪

♪ I cannot wait ♪

♪ Till he sets my heart free ♪

♪ Oh, when will I know him ♪

♪ Oh, when will I see her ♪

♪ When will I hear him say ♪

♪ Marian, my love ♪♪