Rob Delaney: Jackie (2020) - full transcript

Hey, hey, hey!

Hello there!

Hi!

Hi there, nice people.

Nice to see you all.
How are you doing?

All right.

Good to be here in London.
Good to be here.

I mean, I live here,
but it's still good to be here.

Could have died today.
Could have been eaten by a wolf.

But that didn't happen,

and I got to come here
and be with you.



It's pissing out there, huh?

You know, it's funny

I knew that it would rain
when I moved to London,

and rain
doesn't really bother me.

I saw Mary Poppins,
I know that that happens.

But what they don't tell you

is that the sun sets just
after lunch for half the year.

They don't put that
in the brochure,

and it's really awful.

Also, I almost fell down
the flight of stairs

before I walked out here,
cos they're old.

This place is beautiful,
but it's old,

and the stairs are also old.

My wife and I recently watched
a Channel 5 documentary



called "Dangers
of the Victorian Home",

and the BBC gets all the credit
for the slick documentaries,

and they are great,
but Channel 5 is...

That's the uncut shit.

So good and so weird.

"Dangers of the Victorian Home"
was mostly about one thing -

stairs.

That's how you died
in Victorian times,

cos they didn't have
zoning codes and stuff

so you just built whatever:
"Yeah, those are stairs."

And then you could build them
out of anything

and there wasn't
uniformity to them,

so people just constantly
fall through them,

down them, up them,
and that's how you died.

The best part
of the documentary was,

they went to
some fucking stair lab,

and they had a staircase built,
but they can adjust it,

they can adjust like the depth
and the pitch of the steps.

So they make it normal and
they have a lady walk down it

and they're like, "Pretty easy,
huh? What if we did this?"

And then they, like,
fuck with the third step

and she walks down
and she's like, "Argh!"

Falls into some cushions
and she's like,

"In Victorian times, you'd have
been impaled on a bunch of stuff

"and you would've died."

And anyway,

nice to see you all, thank you.

Thank you.

I was in my backyard recently
with my three kids,

and I was watering some weeds,

and I heard a crunching noise,
a very loud crunching noise,

and my one-year-old
had found a garden snail

and killed it
and was eating it

and enjoying it.

And it made wonderful noises,

cos he was crunching
through the shell

and then through just the raw,
moist escargot sushi

and so it's quite
a symphony of noises,

but I don't know
if you're supposed to do that,

so I went to take it
out of his mouth.

And at that moment
my eight-year-old

punched my six-year-old
in the face.

And I had a hose,

so I hosed the eight-year-old
aggressively.

I blasted him against the wall
and held him there for a second

and he was very upset,
understandably,

I shouldn't have hosed him,

but if you punch my beautiful
six-year-old in the face,

I'm gonna fucking hose you,
even if you're also my son.

And so I held him against
the wall for a little bit,

then I let go, took my thumb off
and he slid down the wall.

And he was livid!

And he marched over
to me and the baby,

and he points at the baby
and looks in my eyes and goes,

"I'm gonna teach him
to hate you."

So now I have, like,
a comic book nemesis...

living in my house with me.

I'm scared.

I didn't realise it at the time,

but I'd made a terrible error
a few weeks before that.

We had gone to
some cider festival in a forest,

and one of the activities
that they had was,

you could give a guy £3
and then he'd give you some axes

that you could throw
at a target.

And so I did it,
and I threw the axes,

and I hit the target every time.

The blade never sank
into the wood,

but it would hit it sideways
and clang to the ground.

If I threw an axe like that
at you, the way I throw them,

you wouldn't be hurt,
you'd just be like, "Oi...!

"Hey, hey, that's a nuisance."

And so I didn't do a good job.

But then my son,
my eight-year-old was like,

"Hey, Daddy, can I do it?"
And I was like,

"I can't imagine he's gonna
let an eight-year-old do it."

So I said to the guy,
"He can't do it, can he?"

He's like, "If he's got £3,

"I don't give a shit
who does it."

And so I gave the guy £3,
and then my son took the axe,

he's just fucking
foom, foom, foom, foom...

and sunk them all!

And so now
that we're nemeses,

I know that one day...

Like, when I die, you don't
have to read the obituary,

it's just gonna be fucking
three axes to the forehead,

one to the heart,
one to each testicle,

and that's it.
That's how it's gonna be.

I was walking around with all
three of them a few weeks ago,

and we're walking down
the sidewalk at dusk,

the most dangerous time,

and a guy approaches us,

and he's kinda shuffling along,
looks like he's in trouble,

and I noticed that he's bleeding
from his temple.

So, I'm a nice person,

so I said,
"Sir, can we help you?"

And he goes,

"Oh, you know, if I could just
get £5 on my oyster card,

"then I'm sure I could..."

And I'm like,
"You fucking scammer!"

And so I gave him the money,

I didn't want deal with it,
I had all the kids...

But my boys are upset,

they're like,
"He's really in trouble, Daddy."

And I’m like, "No, he's not!

"He's not gonna use
that money to ride the train,

"he's not even hurt,
he's gonna use the money

"to buy cocaine powder
for him and his friends.

"We've been scammed, boys."

They're like, "Huh?"

Like they're young
and they're good people,

so they were like, "No, really,
we have to help him harder.

"You gotta chase him down."
And I’m like, "No."

And so you can see inside,

their picture of me
is just crumbling

because they think
I don't wanna help the guy.

Anyway, we're all having crises,

as I'm like, "I think
the guy was scamming us,

"but I'm not 100% certain."

So I'm all fucked up,
and so then...

we go around the corner

and a little while later
I see the guy again.

So I grab the boys,
and we all hide behind the bench

and I go, "You just watch,
just watch him."

And so this time, the guy's
walking down the street,

and he's like,
"Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah..."

And then he identifies a mark,
so he enfeebles himself

and then walks up,
and he's like...

And I'm like,
"See, what did I tell you!"

And the boys are like, "Huh..."
Now they think we're, like, MI6.

We went home and they were like,
"Daddy teach us more scams."

So I'm running a scam college
out of the basement.

I went for a jog recently,

and I was running
along the canal,

and I’m jogging,
having a good time,

canal to my left,
some bushes to my right,

and I see a guy
standing in the bushes,

kind of on the edge,

and he's got his penis out.

And it's a nice penis.

It's a nice British penis,

which is to say
it wasn't circumcised, you know,

and I love a good British penis.

It's like a little breadstick
in a sock or something.

It's nice.

I looked at it with envy
because my penis is gross.

You know, I'm circumcised,
cos in the '70s in America

they just cut some of
your dick off when you're born,

and so my dick is...
it's all scar tissue.

It kind of looks like
if you dropped a cheese Danish

on a barber shop floor...

...and there's,
like, a toenail in it.

I mean, it's just...

I mean,
my penis isn't totally off,

there are some cool things
about my penis.

It can be like a bunch
of different sizes for one.

Like, at its biggest
it's nothing remarkable,

but it's recognisable
as a human penis,

you don't have to take a picture
of it and send it to your mom

and be like, "Any ideas?"
you know.

And like, "Nah,
he's doing the best he can."

That's the biggest,

and then it can be a bunch of...
like, 40 different sizes

down to really alarmingly small.

If it's cold out and I’m near
a body of water, it's like...

like a little white oily almond.

It isn't actually oily,
but it's just, like, shiny.

Like when you see a snake,
you think, "It's gonna be slimy"

and then you touch it
and you're like, "Oh, it isn't."

But you can only rub it in
one direction cos of the scales.

It's like that.

Anyway...

You know, it's funny,
my boys aren't circumcised,

and so whenever they see
my penis they're like, "Ugh!"

I mean, I don't wake them up
in the middle of the night

and be like,
"Look at your father's penis!"

I mean, if it, like, flops out
on the couch or whatever

and they're like, "Daddy,
what is wrong with your penis?"

And I'm like,
"Woah, where do I begin."

They're mad at my parents
for circumcising me.

They're like, "What did they do
when the doctor went to do it?"

And I was like, "I think
they asked him to do it!"

When my mom visits and
asks them to clean their room,

they're, like,
furiously tidying.

"Look, I'm tidying.
It's clean! It's clean!"

Anyway, so... I'm running along,

I see the penis, I enjoy it.
I keep jogging.

And... but then I'm like,
"Wait, you know what?

"I'm not the only person
who uses this path."

For me, not a big deal, just
a little penis, how do you do,

but for everybody else
that could really be upsetting.

You know, if it's a mom
with kids and stuff.

I don't want that
to happen to them.

So I'm thinking in my mind,
"What do I say?

"How do I warn people
about the penis?"

I don't want 'em to trip over it
and fall in the river and die.

It's such a thin strip
of a thing -

you either fall in the river

or you have to go in the woods
and live with him, so...

I run along thinking, like,
"OK, this guy's penis coming up,

"six o'clock, please look out."
You know, and...

But then I'm, like,
I've been running for a while,

and I’m big and sweaty...

If I approach you on a canal,
you're already like, "Oh, no..."

I was like, "Er..."

So I just didn't say anything,
I let people see the dick guy

because
that's just one bad thing

that happened to them that day
instead of two.

Me, you know, accosting them
and penises.

My wife ran out of eyeliner
recently,

so I called the police.

No, I was actually going
to the mall, and so she said,

"Can you get me some eyeliner?"
and I was like, "Yeah."

And so she was like, "OK,
look, this is the one I want."

She shows me
her empty eyeliner thing.

"I want this one,
don't want a different one.

"If they don't have this one,
don't get any at all,

"for this is the one
that I require."

And I was like, "OK."

And so
I had the boys with me,

and we go into the store,

and a guy comes up to me,
he's like, "Can I help you?"

And I'm like, "I don't know."
I tell him about the eyeliner.

He's like,
"I think we got that."

He takes me over
to the eyeliner hutch,

and he's digging around.

He's like "Oh, you know what,
I think we're out of that one."

And I'm like,
"Well, then I'll see you later."

And he's like "No, no, no,
but we have others."

And then he summoned women who
work there who had eyeliner on,

and I felt I could trust them.

And so they encircle me

and I’m getting hypnotised
and confused.

And my boys are like,
"Daddy, we gotta go."

And then one women is like,
"This one is very similar.

"It's just missing...
it's got one different isotope,

"and I think
that she'll love it."

And I'm like, "OK," so I buy it,

and my kids are like,
"Fucking..."

And I go home,
and I present it to my wife,

and she sees it,
and she's like...

And she just spit on it
and stuck it up my asshole.

But that story should not
reflect negatively on her, OK?

Seriously,
she has a preference,

she wants this one,
she doesn't want that one.

That's normal,
people have preferences.

I'm not like that.

I just live in garbage,
I don't care.

If I'm at a restaurant
and I order a Coke

and they're like, "Oh, we don't
have Coke. Is Pepsi OK?"

I'm like, "I don't give a shit
if you piss in a bucket

"as long as you pour
a bag of sugar in with it

"and mix it in, OK?

"I want sugar and bubbles
that I can pour down my throat

"that will coat the grained meat
I've eaten earlier

"and bind with it
and create a compound

"that will make me forget
about my life for 20 minutes.

"So, yes, Pepsi is fine."

I wish that
that there were a joke.

I wish that weren't
how I live with my life.

I signed up
to chaperone a field trip

for my six-year-old
not too long ago,

and the day
of the field trip came

and my son was sick.

Normally when my kids are sick,
I just tell 'em

to go be sick at school.
I don't wanna deal with it.

But he was quite sick,
so we had to keep him home,

and then the school called
and they were like,

"It would be great
if you could still chaperone

"because a couple of chaperones
dropped out."

I was like, "Oh, Christ!"

And so I had to chaperone
a field trip

that I didn't have
a child of my own on.

I had no skin in the game

and I really found out
just what a piece of shit I am.

I had never been checked out
of a situation more in my life.

Like, we get into the museum

and the kids are walking
through a turnstile

to enter the museum, right?

And so the woman at the thing
pushes the button

to de-electrify the turnstile

so that it can spin and allow
the children through, OK?

So they're all coming through
and then the final kid in line,

he's kind of short
and she didn't see him.

So she took her finger
off the thing,

electricity surged
through the bar

and became
an impenetrable steel wall

and so then the kid's
approaching.

I watched him approach it
for 15 seconds minimum,

didn't say a fucking thing

and just clang,
watched him get taken out.

Didn't give a shit.

I let a kid eat a cigarette.

Not mine.

I mean not my kid,
it was my cigarette.

So a couple of years ago,

my wife and I went to the
National Air and Space Museum

in Washington DC,

and one fun thing
that they have there is,

they have the hall of weights
and measures,

and they have different scales

that are calibrated to show you
what you would weigh

on different planets
in the solar system.

So there's, like, Jupiter,

which is huge,
has a lot of gravity.

You stand on it,
there's a massive number,

and you're like, "Oh, my God!

"Imagine if I weighed
as much as a truck."

And then they've got the moon,

which is a tiny little
celestial body.

So you stand on that one,
it's a wee little number,

and you're like,
"I'm just a feather," you know?

And then they have Earth,
and I...

I don't know
why you're laughing.

So I stood on Earth,

and the number
was fucking huge.

And I was like, "What?"
And I summoned my wife.

"Honey, look at this,"
and I was like, "This is crazy."

In the hall
of weights and measures,

the Earth scale is broken.

She's like, "No,
I think that might really be

"exactly what you weigh."
And I was like, "Oh, we'll see."

So we went home and I took out
a scale I hadn't seen in years,

dusted it off and stood on it.
Same number.

Now, what had happened is,
I had become fat.

Well, I'd become medically fat,

and there had been
warning signs, you know, like,

you ever take off your pants
at the end of the day

and you have like a red band
around your waist?

That wasn't the sign.

What would happen is,
I would take off the pants,

see the red band and then
go to sleep for eight hours,

wake up the next day -
red band still there.

So, like, it was getting hard
to do shoes and stuff.

I mean,
I knew there was a problem.

Also, all my pants
were so fucking tight.

They were like tight
to the point of pain,

but if I bent over,
they would pop off my ass

and fall down to the floor.

Sort of like restrictively,
unbelievably, painted on tight,

bend over, pop,

and then just a denim bed sheet
on the ground.

So I was like,
"Shit, I gotta do something."

So I started to lose weight,

and the way I did it was,
I just ate less.

I wish that I could tell you
I went on a retreat

or did tapes or used a lozenge.

None of that stuff is real,
you just have to eat less

and I thought exercise
had something to do with it.

Exercise has nothing
to do with it.

Once you get to a certain age,
you just exercise all the time.

I still exercised
when I was fat.

Didn't fucking matter if you eat
buckets of garbage each day.

So I just started eating less
and it was really, really awful

and... particularly at night.

At night, my stomach would start
to growl and I'd be like,

"I'm gonna eat something,
something's going in here."

And so what it would do is,
when I was asleep,

it would start to suck
dreams and memories

out of my mind and my soul

and just digest
and destroy them.

So sleep time
just became fucking awful.

I had horrible nightmares,

I hated going to sleep
every night.

I remember one of the worst
nightmares that I had was,

I was just walking down
the street somewhere

and all of a sudden
a guy pulled up in a van

and he jumped out
and took out a gun

and held it up to my head
and said,

"If you can't make 15 people
in this neighbourhood

"let you be their dentist,

"I'm gonna blow
your fucking brains out."

And I was like, "Oh, my God!"

And it was, like, so realistic.
So I'm like, "Oh, my God!"

So I'm running up
to people being like,

"Let me be your dentist."

And I'm not doing
any soft sell stuff,

like you're supposed to do
to like get new business.

Normally you'd be like, "Hey,
nice choppers you got there.

"Yeah, well, I'm new in town,

"and it turns out I dent,
and I was wondering if maybe..."

None of that shit, just,
"Let me be your dentist!"

So people are like, "God, no!"

And then I was like,
"You know what?

"I think what it is
is, I'm too big and scary.

"I need to pretend
to be a little girl."

So I don't even... in my dream,
I have no magic powers,

so I just get on my knees and
start to speak in a high voice

and be like,
"Let me be your dentist."

And then people are like,
"Definitely not now!

"I'd rather have the big...
what the fuck, you know."

So then the guy's coming for me,
he's got the gun,

he's pointing at his watch
and I’m fucking shitting.

So I go up to people's windows
who haven't seen me yet,

and I’m going like,
"Let me be your dentist."

And so he's coming
and he's, like, cocking the gun,

and so in the climax
of the dream,

in the cutest little voice
I can possibly do, I scream,

"Let me be your dentist."

But I also do it in real life,

in my bed
with my human wife on earth

and so she's like,
"What's the matter?"

And I was like,
"I'm fucking hungry!"

So awful.

Ahh...

Um, there's a weird thing
that they do in America,

one weird thing... that they do

and it's every year,

the President of
the United States has a physical

and then they release the data,
for some reason.

So every year on one day

they just tell you the height
and weight of the President.

Don't know why they do it.

When they did it with Obama,
I was like, "Don't care,"

now they do it with Trump,
I'm like, "Double don't care."

And I remember about a year ago,
they released the data

and he said that he was 6'3''
and weighed 237 pounds, OK?

Now when people heard that,
they were like, "Excuse me?"

Like, people were like,
"That's impossible.

"It's impossible
that he only weighs 237 pounds,

"if you look
at his dimensions and stuff."

But people all think pieces
and stuff, people were like,

"I don't know, maybe
if you strain so hard

"to not say the N word
all day every day,

"your body fills
with like a racist gas

"that lifts you up
and makes you lighter."

Maybe that's what happened.

However...

On that day, however,
in my weight loss journey

I was 6'3'' and it so happened
I weighed exactly 237 pounds,

so I knew he was lying.
So I was livid.

I was like naked standing
in the mirror screaming,

being like,
"The President's a liar."

Whenever Trump
comes on television,

I just turn it off,
cos I love myself,

I don't wanna hear that shit.

But I was thinking
it'd be kinda funny

if I was somewhere where
I couldn't turn the TV off,

like if I'm at a laundromat
or an airport.

What if we were all somewhere
where we couldn't turn it off

and we had to see
what he had to say?

So he comes on,
and we're like, "All right."

And then he starts to blather
and you're like, "Huh."

But then something happens
behind his eyes,

so we all kinda lean in,

and then suddenly
he's like, "Beugh..."

And then you're like,
"Oh, my God,

"is he having a fatal
cerebral aneurysm?"

And I was thinking,
"How lovely would that be for us

"to just all together
watch him die

"to death and be dead?
How great would that be?"

Then Eric and Don Junior run out

and they're trying to do CPR,
but they've never studied it,

they don't give a shit
about anyone

so they don't know how to do it,
but any excuse to touch him

because he hasn't hugged them
in 30 years.

So they're just like, "Argh..."

But it doesn't work,

his skin is getting greyer, and
his eyes are getting cloudier

cos he's fucking dead.

I love that premise.
I do.

I want that.

So we've lived in the UK now
for a little over five years,

and I’m pretty crazy about it.

I love the monarchy

because fuck them,
they should not exist.

But...

But...

What's good about
the monarchy is,

they let you know from birth

that the deck
is fucking stacked.

Born in the ditch,
die in the ditch, right?

If there's anything
in your wallet,

the Queen's face is on it.
I love that.

In America, people are like,

"If you can dream it,
you can do it."

Where the fuck
did they get that idea?

Also, I think it's good

that Nazi bombs
fell on your grandparents

and I’ll tell you why.

Because in America,
like, the day before 9/11,

the governor of Florida
was like, "Fuck that Gomorrah,"

but then as soon as 9/11
happened, he was like,

"Oh, we can have a war?
Oh, New York."

And so, here...

if terrorists blow up
the bus in front of your bus,

you're like, "Hmm...

"It would appear
I will still make it to work."

I mean that's cool,
you're stalwarts.

Also you guys have the NHS,
which is just fucking amazing.

Cos...

Cos in America,
if you get a sick,

even if you have good private...
"good" private insurance,

you still have to take
your credit cards

and your mom's credit cards and
your neighbours' credit cards

and melt them down
and fashion them into a kayak

that you paddle
into the hospital

and beg them to help you.

Maybe they don't, maybe they do,

but if they do, you still leave
with so much medical debt

that you have no choice
but to kill yourself.

Whereas with the NHS, if you're
sick, you go into the hospital,

and you're like,
"Yeah, something's wrong."

And they're like,
"Well, no promises,

"but we'll take a look."

We'll take a look!

Ah! You'll take a look,
thank you.

Because seriously, in America,

like, if something goes wrong
with your eye or your knee,

all right that's step one.

Step two is,
you immediately become filled

with molten hot diarrhoea
that blasts out of your asshole

cos you're so terrified

of what's gonna happen
to you financially.

You have to put on 15 diapers
and waddle into the hospital,

be like, "Ah..."
and they're like, "Oh, God."

And you're like,
"No, it's my knee."

Fucking nightmare!

If the NHS had a dick,
I would suck that dick.

I would.

I would take it
in my mouth soft

and start to hum a little Sade.

Suck it.
I'd suck it down my gullet.

I would suck it down.
I would suck it so hard

it would poke out my
belly button and wink at you.

It would.

If the NHS had a pussy...

Fucking...

Scuba dive in that thing.

I don't know, look,
why am I gendering the NHS?

Obviously it's greater
than male or female.

Maybe the NHS has a cloaca,
you know?

Where my farmers at?

Well if you don't know
what a cloaca is,

it's the hole in a bird that
everything comes out of, right?

Pretty cool!

Well, if you've ever been
shit on by a bird

and been like, "Hey, good luck!"
Not really!

Because you were not
just shit on.

Yes, you were shit on,
but you were also pissed on,

the bird also
jerked off on you,

it also made an omelette
and threw that at you.

So if you've been so thoroughly
degraded and owned by that bird

that you should just
chase it down the street

and beg it
to merely shit on you.

I'm trying to dress nicer
on stage when I perform

cos a guy came up to me
after a show not too long ago,

and he goes, "Hey, great show,
but wanted to let you know

"there's a hole
in the armpit of your shirt."

And I was like, "Oh, really?"

And I looked to see
which one it was. It was both.

I had holes
in both armpits of my shirt

cos I just wear clothes
until they fall apart.

Like, I'm clean,
I observe hygiene,

but clothes with holes,
who cares?

Particularly boxers.
I will wear a pair of boxers

until they're just a rubber band
around my waist

and just hanging
bolts of fabric.

So that I can stand
over the toilet

and just sigh my contents
out of my cloaca.

Anyway, I'm trying
not to do that anymore, though,

cos a few months ago,
I was lying in bed reading

and my wife came into the
bedroom and she goes, "Ugh...

"You're bleeding
from your vagina."

And I wanted to see
what she saw.

I don't have a vagina,
so I was curious.

It was pretty awful
what she saw.

Basically, I was wearing
a pair of boxers

that I got in maybe 1991.

And when I got them,
they were bright red,

fire engine red,
they were the talk of the town,

just a beautiful garment.

And then
in the decades that passed,

they started to fade and become
like a nice salmon colour

and then like a light pink.

And then about a year ago,
they tore up the middle -

not a problem.

And then after that,

the original bright red
fabric thread tendrils

began to peak out the sides.

So what my wife saw
was pink, pink

and then a gaping red wound

and then just a bunch of fur
and meat and garbage.

So I threw them away,

not cos she's my wife,
but, you know, she's a person,

and you wouldn't do that
to a roommate.

Another thing
I like about the UK

is that you can order
your groceries online here.

I think you can
now do it in America,

but when I moved here
five years ago, you couldn't.

And the reason that it started
here is population density.

We're all this close to each
other right now in this theatre,

but when we leave here tonight,

we'll still all be exactly
this close to each other.

And it took them a while to
figure it out in America though

because in America it's,
like, person...

three farms... another person.

Plus if you ring a doorbell
in America,

you just get shot twice
in the face

and then they try to figure out,

"Hey, I wonder why he rang
my doorbell?" So...

Anyway, I love ordering
my groceries online.

It's pretty great.
It's not perfect.

Like, not too long ago,
I was doing the weekly shop,

and I got to mint tea.

And I typically spend
a while on the mint tea page -

I drink a lot of mint tea,
you can probably tell.

And something
was wrong, though.

It was super expensive this week
and I couldn't figure out why.

But then I was like, "Are they
gonna deliver it to this couch,

"then I don't care
if it's £300, order."

And the next day I found out
why it was so expensive,

when they had delivered to me
a pallet of mint tea.

OK?

I now own all the mint tea
in Greater Metropolitan London.

If you want mint tea now,
you gotta come to me.

And so, I'm drinking it like
crazy. I'm just going bananas,

I'm not making it
the treat that it should be,

I'm bathing in it,
I'm just going insane.

And a while back my wife and I
were gonna watch some TV,

and so I made the tea
and she made popcorn,

and I finished first.

And so I'm walking back
into the living room

to sit down and watch TV.

I’m just kinda waltzing along

not being careful
with my mint tea

on account of
I've got so darn much of it.

And I plop down on the couch
and I immediately spill

the whole cup
of boiling water right here.

None got on my thighs or stomach
just 100% on the C and B.

and fortunately there was
a glass of water

on the table next to me,

so I just tore my trousers off

and stuck my dick and balls
into the glass of water.

I was like, "Oh..."

like the way that you would
think you would fuck a woman

when you first hear about sex
when you're like six years old.

I'm like, "OK,"

so I put my soft penis
and testicles inside her

and then I scream
into her mouth, OK.

And then, at that moment,
my wife came in with the popcorn

and she goes, "What happened?"

And this is what I said, I go,

"I think
it's pretty fucking obvious!"

And she just pirouetted
with the popcorn

and walked back
into the kitchen.

And then I kinda calmed down

and realised there might not be
any permanent damage

and then I realised,
"You know what?

"It might not be perfectly
obvious what has happened.

"It might
not be perfectly obvious."

Meanwhile,
she's come face to face

with a fucking aquarium
of nightmares. So...

I had to do something
I don't like to do,

which is apologise.

I don't like to do it,
but I do it.

I... honestly,
"I'm sorry," what is that?

Like, vapour
and sound waves, right?

You'd think it probably
weighs nothing, right?

If you added up all the
I'm sorrys I've said to my wife,

I promise it would
weigh 700 metric tons, OK?

Whereas
she's never said it once.

I've literally
never heard her say it.

Honestly, I swear to God, when
she dies in a fire in February,

I think that the coroner
is gonna be like,

"Mr Delaney, come here."

And I'll be like, "Yeah?
and he'll be like,

"If you notice,
if you look in the oral cavity

"where the soft
and hard palates meet,

"from the structure

"she actually couldn't produce
the words 'I'm sorry',

"she couldn't
make the noise 'I'm sorry',

"that's why you never heard it,
you stupid asshole."

All right.

Good,
so you're drinking some wine.

I don't drink anymore,
I quit drinking 17 years ago,

after I drove a car

into the Los Angeles Department
of Water and Power,

a building I'd always hated.

And...

No one else was involved
in the accident, thank goodness,

but I was pretty badly hurt.

I broke both my arms,
and my legs were not broken,

but they were ripped open
to the bone.

So in the emergency room,
they had to sew 'em up

and then they put me
in these leg stabiliser tubes,

so I couldn't bend my knees,

and then they put me in a
wheelchair and sent me to jail.

And in jail, the law
of gravity still applies,

and so sometimes I would start
to slide out of the wheelchair,

and I couldn't bend my knees
to stop the slide,

nor could I use my arms
to do anything.

So I'd be sliding out

and then my bloody
hospital gown would come up

and expose
my penis and testicles

and even my cute little butthole
to everybody in jail.

And I don't know if you guys
have read any books about jail

or seen any movies about it.

You're actually supposed
to keep that stuff to yourself.

So what would happen is,
some big thugs would pick me up

and put me back
in the wheelchair.

They wouldn't try to fuck me
or anything

cos even in jail they still like
the thrill of seduction.

You don't wanna be
shooting fish in a barrel.

So they'd pick me up and
put me back in the wheelchair,

and then they'd be like,
"When you get better..."

And then I'd be like,
"You guys are nuts,

"and thank you."

And then I had a court date,

and the judge was like,
"So how's jail?"

And I was like,
"I'm gonna be honest with you,

"I don't care for it."

and he was like, "You know what,
why don't we put you

"in the chemical dependency unit
of a psychiatric hospital?"

And I was like,
"That sounds more my speed."

And so they put me there,
and it was great. I loved it.

I fucking loved
living in the hospital.

Honestly, I can't wait
to live in a hospital again

and move into a nursing home.

I'm seriously gonna
move in when I'm 49.

My mom's like, "If they ever try
to put me in a nursing home,

"just shoot me in the head."
And I'm like, "All right."

But I honestly...
I really can't wait to go.

I mean, cos they got salad bars
and stuff.

At the salad bar
at this hospital,

they had cottage cheese
available for every meal,

and I've never bought cottage
cheese on my own in my life,

but if it's on offer
at every meal,

I'm fucking eating it
at every meal.

So I'm shovelling
cottage cheese into my mouth

at eight o'clock in the morning,
making new crazy friends,

it was the best.

Oh, another reason I wanna live
in a nursing home is

cos in nursing homes
you can fuck.

I don't know if you knew this,
but they're riddled with STDs.

Like seriously, everybody...

They fuck and a lot of them
have replacement hips and stuff,

so you really gotta hit it.

They won't even know
that you're there, so...

And then if you get into trouble
and they're like, "Mr Delaney!",

you can be like, "Oh, did I now?
I don't remember."

And then just scoot off
into the sunset.

But anyway,
the hospital was great.

But I had two broken arms
and I was in casts

from my knuckles
up to my shoulders on both arms,

and so people would ask me,

the most popular questions
that I got asked were,

"How do you wipe your ass?"
and "How do you jerk off?"

The way that I wiped my ass was
not really all that well

and it hurt a lot
to even attempt,

so I'd have to get
in the shower.

So every shit
took 90 minutes, and...

as opposed to the normal 70
that they take now.

And then they would ask,
"How do you jerk off?"

That's actually
more interesting.

I'm 42 now, right? I don't have
to jerk off as much.

Thank Christ my libido
has gradually begun to die,

but at the time I'm 25,

and when you're 25 you have to
jerk off all the time, right?

If you don't,
there could be an event,

like, you must jerk off.

And so I would wait.
It was really hard.

So I would wait...
I'd wait, like, ten days.

None of you did that,

You probably didn't even know
it was possible, and so...

I mean, literally I would wait
until I burped

and then tasted semen
in the back of my throat.

I'd be like, "I gotta jerk off,
I gotta jerk off."

And so I would go
into the bathroom at rehab,

and I would sit down
on the floor,

with my back towards the door,

cos there's no locks
on the door in rehab.

So if somebody opened the door,
it would hit me,

and I could say, "Just
jerking off, not shooting up."

And they'd be like,
"Carry on, my man."

And then, using my teeth
and my fingertips,

I would take off the brace

of whatever arm had
least recently been operated on

and then using my fingertips
so delicately

so that I didn't hurt my arm
with my penis, I would jerk off,

just ever so gently,
ever so gently.

Like the way that you would
jerk off a baby if you had to.

Hey...

Hey, don't jerk off a baby, OK?
Don't even think about it.

Yeah, don't jerk off at all,
actually.

Honestly, I can't wait
for my libido to die.

I know I said that thing about
fucking people in nursing homes,

but that's something I wanna do
now. When I'm actually that age!

I get angry when I see
commercials for Viagra,

and it's, like, a couple
in their eighties out on a canoe

and then the guy
crushes up the blue pill

and then snorts it
off his girlfriend's tits

and then they paddle into shore
to go fuck. Ugh!

If I could figure out
where my libido is in my head,

I'd stick a fucking pool cue
in my eye and just route it out

so that I could get some
fucking work done.

So sex dolls, sex robots,
sex robot dolls,

they're getting good, OK?

And whenever they show
on the news,

at the end of the hard news when
they show a human interest story

and they go to visit some guy

on the 37th floor
of a skyscraper in Tokyo,

and he's like "Yeah, I haven't
left my apartment in 3 years,

"I've just been fucking my robot
Betsy, having a good time."

I always judge that guy,
I'm like, "I don't fuck a robot,

"I fuck a human woman,

"semi-annually."

But here's the thing,

whenever new technology
comes out,

I always hate it,

just reflexively,
I don't know why.

Like when the iPad came out,
I was like, "Gimme a break."

It was like halfway between
a desktop and a phone,

both of which I already own
and can do all the same shit.

It's like the Goldilocks one
in the middle,

so I don't sprain my fingers

if I try to go too fast
from a desktop to a phone,

it's ridiculous.

Anyway, flash forward
a few years,

I now own three iPads, OK?

And what that means is,

I'm definitely gonna fuck
a sex robot, OK?

In the not distant future,
I'm fucking a sex robot,

and so are you, OK?

And so are some of your moms.
All right?

Not all of your moms,

but the ones who can do,
like, emojis now,

they're fucking robots.

You're gonna be...

You're gonna be over at their
house for a roast on Sunday,

and she's gonna be like,
"Sweetheart, can you help me

"download the George Clooney
tongue swirling plug-in?"

And then you do

and then you have to help
lower her down onto it

cos she has a bad ankle,
and then she's like, "Whoa...

"Close the door, sweetheart.

"Check on the potatoes,
check on the potatoes."

Isn't that nice? I honestly...

If you'd asked me in the past,
you would have been like,

"What sex robot
are you gonna get?"

I'd be like,
"Well, the Serena Williams one."

But now that I think
about the Clooney

with that stubble all up
in your mom's ass, I want that.

So I think what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna put
a George Clooney head

on a Serena Williams body,

and I am gonna fuck that thing

until I have a heart attack
at 51 and die.

My son finally comes in
with the hatchet to do the job

and he finds my corpse,
he's like, "Oh, look at that!"

He just throws one in
for good measure.

He's a good boy.

So...

Another thing I love about
the UK is, you guys have trains.

In America there's, like,
one train from like Boston to...

Trains are communist.

You can ride a train,
you can make a friend -

next week, revolution.

So no trains in America,

there's just people in solo cars
with AR15s, that's it.

But here you got trains and
I didn't know how to use them.

I remember the first time

we were gonna go
on a school vacation

after we'd lived here
not that long.

We were gonna go to Cornwall.

You go to Cornwall? Huh?
Yeah, fucking toilet, right?

No it's the nicest place
I've ever been. Anyway...

We wanted to go to Cornwall,

so I'm in charge
of arranging travel.

So, basically,
I didn't know how to get...

I go on the website
and I see a picture of a train

and I’m like,
"Train! OK, let's go."

Then we get to the station
at, like, 4pm on a Friday

before a big school vacation,

and it's just fucking packed
with people,

and my wife's like, "OK, you
got us specific seats, right?"

I'm like,
"Huh, I didn't know you could."

She's like, "Fuck you!"

And so...

the doors to the train open
and steam comes out,

there's already
so many people in it,

it's like a meat puzzle,

we're stuffing our children in
and people are looking at me.

I'm like, "I'm sorry."

And then the train
took off to Cornwall,

travelling for a little while,
not that long, though,

and then the train just stopped
in Slough,

which isn't in Cornwall.

In fact, it didn't even stop
at the Slough station,

it stopped in a fucking field
in the middle of nowhere,

and we're like,
"What is going on?"

And after a little while,
the conductor got in

and he goes, "Very sorry to say,

"but we have struck a person
who wandered onto the tracks

"and there's been a fatality."

And so everybody's, like,
super upset.

I mean, we're in a thing
that killed a person.

So it's like a giant bummer,

but then 90 seconds passed,
and my kids went feral.

One of them
ripped a wig off an old lady.

So I start to hate the dead guy.

I'm like, "I hope the train
fucking ran you over

"and then backed up
and ran you over again,

"you fucking asshole.

"I live in Slough now
with my shitty family

"because you were sad

"and had to jump in front
of a train, you fucking loser."

Look, hey, mental health
is a very serious thing,

and that isn't funny, OK?

But what is funny is,
I'm kidding, he was pushed,

it was a murder,
so it's OK to laugh.

It's OK.

It was just two friends
goofing around, whatever.

So we got to Cornwall,
all right,

it was wonderful, we were having
a great time staying on a farm,

and one night we wanted
to go on a date, my wife and I.

So we took the kids and
we stuffed them in a pig kennel,

and we called up,
we called a taxi,

and the taxi's taking us
out to dinner somewhere,

and we're talking to the driver
and he goes,

"Hey, where do you guys live?"
And we were like, "Oh, London."

And he goes "Ah, London, yeah,
not really England, but hmm..."

And I was like,
"What does that mean?"

And he goes,
"Oh, I'm a bigot."

I'm paraphrasing,

but he basically did, like,
a full minstrel show

with fucking props,

he did every level of melanin,
it was fucking disgusting.

And so I'm like, "Ugh!"
I hated him.

I hate bigots,
I really fucking do.

I gotta say, it's easy enough
for me to point at you, sir,

and be like, "Bigot!"
Look at you.

But for me to stand up here

and admit that I have prejudice
in my heart is kind of heroic.

Look, let me tell you,
I'm not...

Look, at I don't want
to have prejudice, but I do,

I'm a person
and I wanna get rid...

let me tell you a story
about a prejudice that I have

that is absolutely fucking wrong

and that I deeply feel
in my bones.

I was walking in my
neighbourhood not too long ago,

and I saw a guy
washing his car, OK?

He's, it's a teal
Volkswagen Beetle

and he's washing the car

and he's got
short denim shorts on,

it is not hot out.
He does not have a shirt on,

and he's got really nice
abdominal muscles,

and he's washing the car
and kinda dancing.

He's got Madonna
on the car stereo.

Not like a big hit,
not like "Like a Prayer",

but, like, deep disco Madonna.

So he's dancing, singing,
washing his car, looking great.

So I see this guy
and I think to myself,

"I've got you figured out, sir."

But then a woman came out of
the house he was in front of

and said, "Hey sweetheart,"
and kissed him

in the French manner,
tongues akimbo,

and I was like,
"Whoa, that does not fit

"with the story
I was telling myself about you!"

And it made me realise,

I would fight in a war
for the right of gay guys

to fuck each other
in front of my family,

but then I would redeploy
to another front

to fight against straight guys'
rights to fucking prance around

listening to that shit
dressed that way.

What the fuck is that?

But I'm wrong!
What the fuck do I...

Just cos I dress like
a gas station attendant,

why can't he have
a little flair and be happy?

Why the fuck do I care?
But I do.

I feel, like,
when a straight guy turns 30,

he should be issued a beige
jumpsuit from the government

so he doesn't try to infect me
with his intensive style.

I don't wanna see that shit.

But I do,
I have to jettison that belief,

I do, because I don't want
my grandkids to be like,

"Well, you know, we don't
really talk about grandpa Rob

"because he was
an ardent campaigner

"against straight fashion
and music appreciation rights."

I mean, look,

I know there are some prejudices
that make sense,

like if you know really wealthy
Russian people in London,

that's cos they killed people
in Russia

and took their money
and came here.

But that's just...

It's funny, when you tell
that joke outside of London,

people are like, "I can't
believe he's saying that!

"It's terrible. How dare he?"

And then in London,
people are like...

And then rich Russian people
in London are like,

"Oh, you got me!"

It was nice of you
to get upset on their behalf,

but it's OK,
they have it covered.

So our one-year-old
was born in our house,

one year ago.

And we did it at home and...

We're not hippies,

but on your fourth kid you're
a hippy about birth anyway.

plus my wife was like, "I don't
wanna go to the hospital again,

"I can just do it right here,
it won't be a problem."

And so we were doing
a home water birth,

and so, you know, you send away
for a birthing pool

that they mail to you

and it's been used before,
which is cool.

They wash it, I think,

but it's got stamps on it
that say who's been born it.

You have to do a test inflate
a couple of weeks before D-day

so that you don't fuck it up
when it comes.

So I inflated the thing,
got it ready,

and my dad happened
to be visiting at the time,

and I actually made him stand
in the far end of the kitchen,

and I got down into the tub
and I took my clothes off

and I made him film me
going like...

I showed it to my wife,

and she was like,
"Delete that right now.

"and then go to your friends'
houses who you've sent it to

"and delete it from their phones
as well." And...

So our older boys knew that
we wanted to do the home birth,

and so they actually asked

if they could be present for the
birth, which I thought was cool.

And I said to them, "Yeah, well,

"why don't I show you
some videos of home births,

"and then you can decide
if you're into that

"and if you wanna see it really
with your own two eyes."

And they're like, "Great!"

And so I fired up
the old YouTube,

and here's the thing,

lots of people have babies,
billions in fact,

there's a big group of people
who have babies, OK?

Smaller
than that group of people

is the ones who do it at home,
that's a smaller group.

Smaller than that
is the people who film it.

Smaller than that are the people
who then edit the video,

score it to Enya or Kate Bush

and then put it online
for you to watch.

That's a pretty tiny
group of people, OK?

Then even without that group,
the women are all amazing.

There's no right or wrong way
to have a baby,

they're all fucking brilliant.

I couldn't do it,
so nothing wrong with them.

But some of the men
in these videos fucking suck.

I remember we were watching
one of the videos,

and it opens the video with
some nice bells and whistles

and fucking panflutes and stuff.

And then,
the first thing you see is a man

and he's a white guy
with dreadlocks,

and he's got sunglasses in them.
It's not... he's not outdoors.

And he's in a robe,

not like a dressing gown
or a bathrobe,

just a ceremonial robe,

and so already my kids are like,
"Daddy, what's the deal?"

I'm like, "I don't know."

And then it pans out,

and you see there happens to be
a woman there.

And so he walks over to the tub,

and then he steps up
and he gets in the tub,

and my boys are already up,

they're like,
"Daddy, make him get out.

"It's not for him. That isn't...
Why, Daddy?"

I'm like, "I don't know."

And then the guy kneels
down opposite his partner,

and he puts his forehead
against hers,

and he goes... are you ready?
"We can do this."

And my youngest one goes,
"Who the fuck is 'we'?

"He's not doing anything,
Daddy."

They hated the guy so much

that by the time the baby was,
like, bleugh,

they were like. "That's cool,
but fuck that guy!"

So they totally were there
when my wife had the baby,

and they were amazing.

Our eight-year-old
actually cut the cord.

Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah.

Had I not cut the first three,
I wouldn't have let him cut it,

but, I mean, I've cut
a lot of cords in my day.

Yeah, I cut a cord
on the way here in fact.

I'll cut your cord
after the show

if you don't
fucking sort yourself out.

So that baby just turned one.

My wife stopped breastfeeding
him a little while ago,

and breastfeeding,
my God, it's amazing.

But it's difficult.
It is. It's very challenging...

to be around a woman
who's breastfeeding

cos their hormonal.
I'm not interested in that.

And so I was thinking,
I have an idea for an invention,

which... don't try to steal it,

cos I've already begun
the patent process.

But basically what it is,

is, it is a strip that you would
put on a breastfeeding woman,

or really any woman's forehead,

and it would have several
tasteful light bulbs in it, OK?

And depending
on how many are lit up,

it lets you know how nice you
have to be to that woman, OK?

So like if just one is lit up,

you can be like,
"Yeah, here you go, bro."

And that's no big deal,
but if all five are lit up,

then you know you have to crawl
in on your fingers and toes

and prostrate yourself
with a variety of snacks

and fucking say incantations
and stuff.

So anyway,
it was a good idea, right?

I told a friend of mine
about it, and he was like,

"What if you were just nice
to her all the time?"

I was like, "Yeah, I think

"that's the crazier
than the light strips, my man."

All the time?

What a silly guy.

So listen, I hope
you can't tell by looking at me,

but I own a bearded dragon, OK?

I didn't want one.

I feel like that's one of those
pets like a fucking cockatiel

that you use to like express
your wacky personality.

I feel like a bearded dragon
should belong to, like,

a Swiss electronic music DJ

who's like,
"After I drop all my beats,

"I go home and play
with my bearded dragon." Yuck.

Anyway, I didn't want one,

and so my kids found out
that those existed,

and they said, "Daddy,
can we get a bearded dragon?"

And I was like,
"No, under no circumstances."

Then, I don't know, I was out
for the weekend gambling,

and I came home and my wife had
bought them a bearded dragon.

And I was like,
"Why did you do that?"

And she's like,
"Let me tell you about

"what buying
the bearded dragon was like."

And she's like, "OK..."

The guy, was like, "All right,

"you gotta keep it hot
all the time, OK?

"Cos they're coldblooded.
If it gets cold, it'll die, OK?

"So you need three
different types of heat lamp,

"you need a heat pad
that goes under its wood chips.

"You keep it hot or it dies."

OK, do you guys
happen to know...

Does anybody know
what bearded dragons eat?

Locusts from the bible, OK?

I thought that
we had eradicated those.

And by the way,
you know, locusts,

they're not even
the first plague from the bible.

The first one's, like,
"Stubbed my toe."

But then they're
the fucking ninth plague,

the one right before the angel
of death kills your first born.

So literally God was like,

"What's almost as bad as
having the devil kill your baby?

"Oh, a locust." And so...

So anyway, you gotta feed it
locusts all the time, OK?

If you're not feeding it
a locust, ask yourself,

"Why am I not
feeding it a locust?" OK?

You should be using one locust

to push another locust
into its maw.

Like, you need to be
covered in sheets of sweat

as you stick locusts
into every hole, or it will die.

So I'm like, "Jesus Christ!"

So I tell the kids,
"Are you up for this?"

And they're like,
"Yeah, Daddy, we can do it."

And they did, they, honestly,

they were great
for about 23 hours,

and then they forgot
that they had a bearded dragon

and it fell to me
to take care of her.

And I’m not ashamed to admit
that I fell in love with her

very thoroughly
and very quickly.

And her name is Jackie.

And... I mean, we had...

God, did we have
a good thing and...

Seriously, I mean it's...
Jackie. Anyway...

We'd had her for a while,

and then one day the boys left
the door to her vivarium open,

and they also left the back door
to the house open.

And so we all
came home one day,

and Jackie
was nowhere to be found.

And we're all very upset.

And so we're tearing
the house apart.

I'm like cutting
into fucking cushions

like I'm looking for cocaine.

We were turning the house
upside down to find her,

but we cannot find her.

And so I'm very, very upset,

spending like a lot of time
in the foetal position.

And after a few days,
the boys came to me

and they were like,
"Daddy, do you think she's OK?"

And I said, "No.

"No, I think what happened is,

"when she first saw
that the door was open,

"she probably got excited.

"She probably leapt out in your
room and played with some Lego

"and your little football cards
and stuff. It's nice.

"And then maybe
she heard, like, a 'cuckoo'

"and was like, 'Oh, what's that?
Is that a bird?'

"and then went and looked -

"'Oh, my God,
the door to the world's open.'

"And then went out there,
you know?

"That's probably
when things started to go south.

"I'm gonna guess
at that point, you know,

"she's getting colder quickly,

"so confusion
begins to set in, OK?

"Not long after that,

"ice crystals begin to form
in her blood,

"cutting her apart
from the inside,

"and then soon after that,

"I'm gonna guess
that she probably died

"in great deal of pain
and went to hell

"because of a series of choices
that you made."

And they were like, "OK, cool,"
and they went to play football.

I mean, I was losing it,

I was inconsolable,
I didn't know what to do.

It was terrible.

And then the hands on the clock
spun round and round,

and the pages on the calendar
and all this,

and so time passes,
and then a fucking month passes,

and so I'm starting to be able
to participate in life again.

I'm experimenting
with trusting people again,

and stuff like that.

And then my doorbell rings,

and it's my neighbour
who I fucking hate,

and I hate him cos he's been
doing construction for 4 years.

And it's not like if you have
a big construction place

near where you work
and it's just a wash of noise,

you kind of get used to it.

This guy's been doing fucking
staccato atonal John Cage,

like it's...
you can't figure it out.

So it'll be, like, brrr...

Bang!
And you're like, "Jesus!"

My nerves are destroyed
from this and I can't stand it.

Anyway, rings the doorbell,
I open, and he's like, "Hello."

And I’m like, "Yeah?"
And he goes,

"You didn't by any chance
have a package for me?"

Cos in this fucking
Godforsaken country,

if you get a package
and you're not home,

they give it to your neighbour,
and they give you a little note,

saying, "Guess what,
you get to make a new friend."

And so you get to know
this person

that you've been avoiding
studiously for years.

And so, anyway...

So, I was like,
"Yeah, here's your package."

And he goes,
"Oh, and by the way,

"you're not missing a lizard
by any chance, are you?"

And I was like...

"Oh, do you have
her little body?"

And he's like, "No, she's fine,
she's in my back garden."

And so I pushed him
to the wall and ran out

and then ran through his house
and into the back garden,

and Jackie was like,
"What's up, motherfucker?"

And it's freezing out,
there's no locusts anywhere,

and she's like, "Ooh, sorry."

And I was like,
"Oh, I can't stay mad at you."

And I unbuttoned my shirt and
pressed her against my breast

to feel my paternal heartbeat,

and I’m crying and it's washing
the dust off of her.

I go into the house,

and I get some blueberries
out of the fridge

and I just chew them up,
and then I...

cunnaling them
into her cute little mouth.

Mm, my sweet Jackie girl,
I love you.

I do, I love her.

Honestly, I'm having a great
time with you guys tonight,

but I seriously
can't wait to go home

and just put her
on my heaving chest

and sing her to sleep.
I love her.

Jackie.

Jackie.

So my big boys recently
found out about homosexuality,

and they're very excited.

They came up to me a while ago,
and they go, "Daddy..."

I'm sorry they go, "Daddy"
cos they have English accents,

which makes me love them
so much more.

In fact,
their accents are kinda weird

cos they started them in America
and now they're here,

plus their nursery school
teachers had cockney accents,

so some of the words
they say are bonkers,

particularly the word "water".

Like I say "water",
whatever that is.

You guys say "water",

and then, you know,
cockneys, like, "water".

And so,
the three of them together,

the way they say "water",

I can't even do it,
it's like a whale being stabbed,

it's insane. And so...

I FaceTimed my mom

and I was like,
"Mom, you've gotta hear this."

And so
I said to the younger one,

"Tell Grammy what liquid
comes out of the tap."

And he looked at her
and he goes, "Blood."

Anyway, so they corner me,
and they're like, "Daddy?"

And I’m like, "Yeah?"
And they go...

"Is it true that we don't
have to marry women?"

And I was like, "Yeah."

And they were like, "Cool."

And then went away
and had a little conference,

and they came back,
and they go, "Daddy...

"Could we marry men?"

And I'm like,
"Yeah, yeah, if you want."

And they were like, "Ooh..."

And they went away,
and they came back,

and they were like...
They go, "Daddy..."

OK, we have these neighbours
that they love to play with,

these twin boys
who are named Charlie and Ethan,

and they go, "Daddy could we
marry Charlie and Ethan?"

And I was like, "OK,
now that's more complicated.

"I mean, OK...
if all four of your hearts

"wandered down
life's winding road

"and then, like,
a couple decades from now

"you still wanted
to get married,

"and by the way is...

"one of you marrying the other
one, and is it two marriage...

"or is it like a quad lambo,
like what it...

"Anyway, the answer is yes.
Yeah, you could."

And they were like, "Ah!"

They were so happy,
like, they started to glow.

And then they go off
for a final conference,

and they come back,
and they go, "Daddy,

"could the four of us wrestle
before bed every night?"

I was like, "That's kind of
the main draw."

They just exploded
into a beautiful rainbow mist.

How great is that wedding
gonna be, I can't wait.

So, are there any
Bill Cosby fans in the house?

Who likes the Cos, huh?

If you're not familiar
with Bill Cosby,

he's a prolific American rapist.

When I was kid,
we knew him as a comedian.

We didn't know yet
that he was a renaissance man

with the whole bag of skills.

And... so I was crazy about him,
he was my hero when I was...

He was, like, everybody
in America's hero,

and... so,
I'd never seen him live, though.

So about ten years ago,
he was coming to LA,

and again, this is before we
knew about his other projects,

and I’m excited,
I wanted to go see him.

So I get tickets to go see him.

And at this time,
I'm doing comedy myself,

nobody cares, no one attends,
but I'm doing it,

and so I called my agent
at the time,

and I was like,
"I'm going to see Bill Cosby."

and he was like, "Oh, yeah,
cool, let me call you back."

And he called me back a little
while later and he goes,

"So you know we represent
Bill Cosby as well,

"and so I told his agent
that you're coming,

"and he'd like to meet you."

And I was like,
"Bill Cosby wants to meet me?"

And he was like, "No, he
doesn't wanna fucking meet you,

"He doesn't know who you are.

"But he likes to blather at
young up-and-coming comedians

"and just hear himself
talk about comedy.

"Are you willing to do that?"
And I was like, "Yes, I am."

And so my wife and I
were gonna go see Bill Cosby.

And this is right after
the birth of our first child.

So we're so excited. I mean,
we'd be excited normally,

but it's also our first date
after we've become parents,

and so we're very excited.

And so we're all dressed up,
and we go,

and we're ushered backstage,

and his tour manager
brings us in, and Bill sees us,

and as soon as he sees my wife,

he just pushes me aside,
zeros in on her,

and he goes,
"Are you breastfeeding?"

And she goes, "Yeah."

And he goes, "I could smell it."

And he goes,
"It gets into the clothes.

"Mm, I love it."

And we're like,
"Oh, God," you know.

I mean, fucking sickened.

And afterwards,
my wife and I were talking,

and we literally were like,
"Oh, my God, did we just see

"Bill Cosby do the first
creepy thing that he ever did?"

Like, we thought we won
some horrible lottery, you know?

And so it's very strange.

And then after about 10 minutes,
his manager was like,

"Bill, you've gotta do your show
now," and he was like, "OK."

And so finally he acknowledges
me for the first time,

and he points at my wife's tits
and he goes,

"Don't get used to those,

"cos once she's done
breastfeeding,

"they're gonna brr...
and disappear."

Anyway, joke's on Bill Cosby

because my wife's tits
are still banging,

and he's gonna die in prison.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Good night.