Road to Utopia (1945) - full transcript

For those of you who don't go to
the movies, let me introduce myself.

My name is Robert Benchley.

Well, no matter.

For one reason or another, the motion
picture which you are about to see...

is not very clear in spots.

As a matter of fact, it was made to demonstrate
how not to make a motion picture...

and at the same time
win an Academy Award.

Now, someone in what is known...
as the front office...

has thought that
an occasional word from me...

might help to clarify the plot and
other vague portions of the film.

Personally, I doubt it.



Shall we go?

- It's 8:00, Pa.
- Huh?

Bedtime.
Put down that paper.

In a minute, Ma.
In a minute.

Land sakes, Pa.

Sittin' there night after night, pouring
your eyes out over that old stock market.

Think by now
you'd be tired of it.

Well, 'tain't easy, Ma, to
change the habits of a lifetime.

Lot of nonsense, all that buyin'
and sellin', bulls and bears.

Can't see how
a body can figure it out.

Right now it's
kind of bearish, Ma.

It's... kind of bearish.

Come along, Pa.
It's 8:00.

I'm not a child. I know
when it's time to go to bed.



Pa!

It's time. Come on, Pa. Come on.

Aw! But, Ma, Doc says I
can stay up till half past.

I know. But by the time we get your
ears washed and your teeth put away...

Yeah.
All right, I guess.

Here we go.

Ma, look and see if
everything got up with me.

♪ Or always ♪

Pa, do you hear what I hear?

I hope not.

That voice.
What voice?

Listen.
What does it sound like?

♪♪ Who'd be sellin' fish
at this hour?

After 35 years...
Oh, Pa, you don't think...

Oh, no, it couldn't be.
But it is.

That voice.
I'd know it anywhere.

Ah! You would, huh?

Well, I... Oh! Oh! Shuck
and gosh darn it there.

♪ Or always ♪♪

And I thought this was gonna
be an "A" picture. Duke!

- Sal!
- Duke!

Sal! It isn't true.
I don't believe it.

Just got in from Alaska,
and I came right to you.

Right from out of the grave.
Nice diggin', uh, hmm?

Uh, my nieces.

Girls, old friends of
your uncle's, the Hootons.

How do you do?

Just think, 35 years, Duke.
It just doesn't seem possible.

Sal, let me look at you.
You're a sight for sore eyes.

And, Chester, you're a sight.

Yes... Hmm?

Don't forget, a man is
just as young as he feels.

Whoo-hoo... Oh!

Take 'em away. Doctor says
I can't have 'em anymore.

You've got very little
to complain about, old man.

You won the girl,
got the gold mine, all this.

Things have surely stacked up
well for you, haven't they?

Hmm... Who's doin' your
stackin' lately, Duke? Chester!

Girls, the Hootons and I
have a few things to discuss.

If you'll run along, Uncle will
meet you later at the club.

Nice goin', Uncle.

Nice family tree, and the
limbs ain't bad either.

Duke, tell us all about Alaska.

We left you for dead. How in
the world did you ever get away?

Rather a long story.
I wouldn'twant to bore you.

Hasn't ever stopped you before.

Go on, Duke. Tell us. You
remember when it all started.

Chester and I were
playing San Francisco.

It was the turn of the century.
Ah, yes.

There was gold in the Klondike,
and San Francisco was wide open.

A million suckers just
waitin' to be clipped.

There was excitement
and adventure.

There was romance.
Huh.

Ah, yes. And one night,
you remember, there was murder.

Now this is a device
known as "the flashback."

Okay, George.

Gold.
Millions!

What happened? Sperry, McGurk.
The window.

What is it, Mr. Lattimer?

They got it...

The map... your father's mine.

The police will get them.

Never.
They're too smart.

But, Mr. Lattimer...

Alaska.

Go to Skagway.

Ask for... Ace Larson.

Ace Larson?

Where do I arrange my passage?
No time, lady. Get it on board.

- Take it away, Joe.
- Right, Cap.

You better hurry, lady. We're shovin' off.
Hurry. Thank you.

Take it away, boys.

Gangway!

Hey, look! Hey, we've
gotta get on that boat.

Too late, mister. Next
boat's tonight at midnight.

Extra! Murder in hotel room.
Read all about it.

Map of Van Hoyden mine stolen.
Extra! Paper! Read all about it!

It's them!
Who?

Sperry and McGurk.
Come on.

♪ Everybody here knows
Good Time Charlie ♪

♪ Charlie is
a perfect clown ♪

♪ Always kills the folks
with funny jokes ♪

♪ And turns the parlor
upside down ♪

♪ Everybody sure likes
Good Time Charlie ♪

♪ No one ever
saw him frown ♪

♪ But here's
the funniest part ♪

♪ Down deep
in his heart ♪

♪ He's the lonesomest
man in town ♪

Charlie, why are you on this
mad, mad merry-go-round, hmm?

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm your friend.

Oh, you can tell me, Charlie.

You're wasting your life away.

Someday you'll be old
and all alone.

Think it over.

Ha. You're not
fooling me, Charlie.

It's your childhood sweetheart.

Ah, but you're
a great, great man.

Great to take it
the way you have.

You're doin' the right thing.
Laugh! Ha, ha, ha!

Dance!

Play the fool!

♪ He's the lonesomest
man in town ♪

♪ The lonesomest man in town ♪

Break.
A-two, a-three, a-four.

♪ He's always
good for a laugh ♪

♪ But... you don't know
the half ♪

♪ He's only
happy-go-lucky ♪

♪ Till the lights
are turned down ♪

♪ Then he's the lonesomest
man in town ♪♪

Now, dear friends, to go from
the super to the supernatural,

we bring you Ghost-O.

Ghost-O, the most amazing,
exciting novelty game of the age,

stolen at great personal risk...

from the high priest of the lost
tribe of darkest Anesthesia...

♪♪ and brought to these shores...

by that great oriental mystic
and secret Hindu potentate,

Professor Hakin Zambini.

And now, Ghost-O and the man
who has brought fortunes...

to thousands of lucky people
just like you,

Professor Zambini.

Holy Toledo.
Holy Toledo.

Bourgeois.
Silence, dear friends.

I shall attempt to contact
the other world.

Master, shall I remove myself?

The spirits will do it for us.

Ala-kaballa, presto-sturgando,
double-forsando.

Silence.
Silence, dear friends.

I feel the presence
of spirits in the room.

What I do for money.

Matoom-bomba.
Diddy-wah-diddy matoom-bomba.

Diddy-wah-diddy. Ester-chay, the
oint-jay is ull-fay of ump-chays.

Ump-chays.
There's one here too.

Spirits, are you with us?

Are you there? Am I there?
Where can I go?

- Are you there?
- If I was all there, I wouldn't be here.

Spirits, are you with us?

That's the spirit!

We have made contact, friends,

and to prove it, I shall have
the spirit do my bidding.

Spirit, lift the table.
Spirit, lift!

The flesh is willing, but the
spirits are a little weak tonight.

However, we shall proceed with
the magic game of Ghost-O.

Taking this
fabulously jeweled box,

I shall place
a five-dollar bill therein,

close the box... regretfully...

Incant a few magic words
there over...

and gamble upon the generosity
of the spirits.

Matoom-bomba, matoom-bomba.

Ester-chay, we'll et-gay our
undle-bay tonight-a matoom-bomba.

What have we here?
A crisp 10-dollar bill.

Indeed, the spirits
are generous tonight.

Why am I monopolizing
this lucrative phenomenon?

Who among you, dear friends, would
like to try for $10, $20, $30?

Any small amount?
I'll try for a dollar.

A dollar. An assignment for
one of the smaller spirits.

However, a buck is a buck, and the
spirits are always in there trying.

Matoom-bomba,
matoom a-double-bomba.

A crisp, new five-dollar bill.

Five for one.

Here you are, dear sir.
Now who among you shall be next?

Ten dollars!
Ten dollars.

I'll try for 15.
We are building.

However, it's a big box, and there's
room in there for both of you.

The spirits will have to take dead
aim this time. Atchit-way, Ester-chay.

Matoom-bomba. Some
sharin' on the half shell.

Hiya, George.
Well, welcome home, Abe.

Oop, whoop. Well, it looks like the
spirit got away with this one, folks.

But that's the spirit for you.
Sometimes he puts, sometimes he takes.

Come along now. Who's next? Just
bring a buck in a truck here, folks.

You can't lose.
Ten dollars.

A venturesome lassie.
I'll see you later.

Twenty-five!
Twenty dollars here.

Call out, folks.
Don't get shut out.

Wait a minute.
Let's try in here.

- There they are!
- Out the back way.

Here now. Just a...
Just a moment, please.

Hey, what's the... What is this?

Here. Here. They don't seem
to think we're on the level.

Some people are so suspicious.

Run 'em outta town!

Ghost-O. I didn't think there was one more way
to get the cops after us, but you found it.

Fifty for Duke, 50 for Chester.

Ten for Duke, 10 for Chester.

Some life. Always one
jump ahead of the sheriff.

Five for Duke, five for Chester.
♪ And there... ♪

That boat sails for New York in 20 minutes.
Let it sail.

Look, mastermind,
the tour is over.

We've been posse-baitin'
every town from coast to coast.

And we just ran out of towns. From
now on, it's oceans and we take boats.

How do you like this? A Confederate
10-spot. How can people be so crooked?

We're taking the boat to New York.
Not that boat, son.

Why not?
♪ Going the wrong way ♪

Going the wrong way? Yes. It's going south.
It should be going north.

Going north? Yes. They
got that yellow stuff,

that happy dust,
that ever-lovin' powder.

Gold?
That's right.

Alaska.
Yes.

Oh, no, you don't. Alaska? In case
you ain't heard, it's cold up there.

It's so cold, if you shake hands with somebody,
they just take it and throw it away.

It's utopia. Everybody's getting
some of that gold on 'em.

I got all the gold I want
right here in my teeth.

I'm taking my dough back to
Brooklyn and opening a Turkish bath.

With tables for ladies.
Now wait. Wait a minute.

Where are you going with all that cabbage?
I'm gonna pickle it.

It's mine. Mine.
Yours?

All of it?
Whatever happened to 50-50?

Look, Svengali, you've been
hypnotizing me for years,

leading me around by the nose,
chiseling me right and left.

Me chiseling you? You chiseling me.
I got a record of every chizz.

This is fantastic. It's right
here in black and white.

Niagara Falls. $300 for hospital bills.
Great promotion.

All you had to do was find some yokel
and send him over the falls in a barrel.

It was a great stunt. Great stunt.
I almost broke my neck.

Pittsburgh, Chicago.
And how about Kansas City?

You picked my pocket
of 75 bucks...

so you could take Mabel Bronschweiger
out riding on a horse and buggy.

Ah, Mabel Bronschweiger.
Ah, yes.

Lady blacksmith. She was your girl.
My girl.

What a right hand. Yeah. I sat in
the hotel lobby for four hours...

while you took her
for a ride in the woods.

What do you care, as long as
she was out in the fresh air?

Anyhow, didn't I front
for you in Oklahoma?

Hilda, the oilman's daughter?
Sent you in there.

Was she born, or did they have to
drill for her? You shouldn't say that.

Maude, Sophie, Hortense. You're
packing a lot of groceries...

$1,200 worth right there,
but I'll settle for this.

You wanna go to Alaska and be a
blubber-ball for a bunch of trained seals?

Go ahead. I'm headin' home.
I'll see ya.

Okay, Chester. I...
I can't stand in your way.

If that's the way you feel about it,
why, I guess that's the way you feel.

That's the way I feel about it.
Okay.

And don't start tellin' my fortune.
It won't do you any good.

Hmm. What do you think of this?
A black nine on a red jack.

You use those cards to trick me
in every crooked deal we ever had.

But no more, see? I'm too smart.
Oop, oop, oop, oop, oop.

You're wastin'
your time, Duke Johnson.

I'm goin' right back where I...

What is it?

What's it say? It's nothing really.
Nothing.

Yeah, you can say that again.
I know those cards.

Why, this is amazing.
They're as phony as you are.

It's a lucky thing I'm
smart enough... Ay-yi-yi-yi.

What is it? What do you see?
Forget it.

You're not interested. It's a
partnership, ain't it? What do you see?

Chester, it's us.
We're back in New York.

New York? Yes, and we're rich.
We're fantastically rich.

The toast of the town. We're driving down
Fifth Avenue in a gold-plated carriage.

Fifth Avenue? We're sittin'
there smoking dollar cigars,

and we're throwing $50 bills
at the round haircuts.

Yeah. Fifth Avenue? We just
turned down 42nd Street.

Wait till I get back in the carriage.
Where you been?

You don't think I want that crowd
to get all the dough, do ya?

Let 'em have it. We're loaded.
We got billions.

Oh, that's fine. Where'd we get it?
Utopia.

Utopia? Oh, that's wonderful.
Yes.

Alaska, huh? Pretty smart.
Gave me a fast shuffle, huh?

You're laying an egg. You'd better face it.
The cards say Alaska.

No wonder.
It's a cold deck.

This seems to be a scene they put in
after I saw the picture in the studio.

Obviously a lot of extras...
I don't know.

Read all about it!
Van Hoyden murderers still at large.

Extra! Paper!
Read all about it.

Extra! Paper!

Police anticipate
an early arrest.

Van Hoyden's murderers still at large.
Extra! Read all about it here.

Hey, boy. See what happened
to Happy Hooligan today.

Careful. Now don't get hurt. You'll
snap off a thumb or something.

Keep it.
Well, Chester,

looks like the end
of the line for you and I.

There goes Chester, and
there goes little old Duke.

Say, that's pretty heavy carfare.
How're you gonna make it?

I'll get along somehow.
Don't worry about me, huh?

Well, Duke, I...
I guess this is it.

Ches, I never thought
we'd end this way.

Yeah, it's
so different this time.

I'm holdin' the dough,
and you're holdin' the bag.

Gee, I never thought
I'd have the biggest end.

Oh, you've always had
much the biggest end.

Where do you keep your butter?
Hmm?

It was great while it lasted, wasn't it?
What a combo.

Barrel of fun. Lot of laughs.
Oh, a lot of snickers.

Chester, we had a couple of
things that money couldn't buy.

Yeah, and I usually
got the ugly one.

No hard feelings?
No hard feelings at all.

So long.
So long.

Well, see ya.

Oh, Chester.

Huh?

I can't let you go like this,

not without letting you know
that whatever happens,

you can always count on me.

Oh, that's fine, Duke.
Just fine.

I want you to feel, Chester,
that whatever I have is yours.

Somehow I feel that
whatever you have is mine.

Duke, that little speech
touched me.

We're pals.

If we want something,
we don't have to ask for it.

We know it's there,
and we take it.

Well, this is it, son.

Let me have
one last look at you.

Duke... Oh, no, don't speak.
Don't say it.

Go quickly, and don't look back.

Pardon me.

All ashore who's going ashore!
So long, Duke!

Good-bye, Chester.
No hard feelings?

Nah. I forgive you for everything...
Hilda, Mabel, the whole works,

even for trying to pick
my pocket just now.

Why, you dirty rogue!
Wait a minute there. You...

Emergency!
Look out!

I gotta catch a boat!
Look out!

Back.

Where are you?
Come back, you.

Look out.
Get down.

Out of my way! Out of my way!
Out of my...

Whoops. Out of your way.
Ah, there you are.

Spread out, boys. You're liable
to get blood all over ya.

Why, Chester. What ever
seems to be the trouble?

"Trouble," he says. "Don't look
back," he says. Why, I oughta...

Now, Chester, don't fight this thing.
It's too big for you.

Like it says in the cards, you're
on your way to Alaska. Huh?

Alaska? I'm goin' to New York!
Hey, wait! Whoa!

Stop the boat! Hey! Wait!
Hey! Here! Hey!

What...

What's goin' on here? Alaska. Alaska.
We're goin' to Alaska.

He's gone, this boy. The gold
and everything. Too much for him.

A pitiful case, really. Don't
listen to that cheap phony.

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm
perfectly sane. Perfectly sane?

Would a sane man go to
Alaska in a Palm Beach suit?

I'm goin' to Brooklyn to open a
Turkish bath... You see what I mean?

No! Take him to my cabin. We're pals.
I've handled him before.

You phony. Wait a minute! Don't do this!
I don't want to go to Alaska.

It's cold there! Polar bears,
icicles, Popsicles, Eskimo Pies!

Wait a minute! Take your hands off me.
Look, I'm sane. Look!

Two and two is four. Four and four
is eight. Eight and eight is...

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Eight and eight is...

Okay, take me below. He's gone. He's gone.
We've lost this boy.

You wouldn't do this
if I was in shape.

You need any help, just call us.
Stand by with a light mallet.

Me on a boat to Alaska.
Maybe I am crazy.

Now, Chester... Don't give me any talk.
Just give me my money.

Don't you think it would be better
if you let me hold the money?

Give me that cabbage
before I part your derby.

If that's the way you feel about
it... That's the way I feel about it.

Is it all here?
Count it.

Better be. We gotta be careful.
This is a strange boat.

There's a lot of crooks around.
Yeah. You won't be lonesome.

Now you know way down underneath I'm
honest. Yeah, but on top you're a rat.

Figure it out. That money will
be a lot safer in my pocket.

Are you kiddin'? We're not
putting the money in your pocket.

We're not putting
the money in my pocket.

We're puttin' it where
it belongs... in the safe.

See?

Man overboard!
Oh, no!

Hey!
Wait!

No hard feelings?
No hard feelings.

It's only money.
Has no personality.

No, not at all.

You and those cards.

I can't understand it. It
must've been a pinochle deck.

Come on. Keep scrubbin'!
Make it shine!

Are you kiddin'?
My fingernails are all gone.

For the last hour I've been
using up the white meat.

Yeah? You'll keep on till you
work yourway back to Frisco.

Not me! I've had enough! Me too! Who
do you think you're pushin' around?

We're not cattle, you know.

Moo!
Moo!

Moo! Moo!

Thanks.

Baked ham around here.
Silly place to get a hotfoot.

Yeah.

Come on. Help yourself. This
is no sailboat, you know.

I'm doing my share. Your share? You
look like an agent standing there.

That fire's important, isn't it?
Yes, it is.

Makes the boat go, doesn't it?
That's right.

Supposing it goes out?
Supposing it does?

I'm ready.
Oh, well, that's...

Pardon me.

Thanks. What do
you do around here?

Nothing.
You in this picture?

No. Taking a shortcut
to Stage 10.

Very fine, Tony.
Very fine.

All right, folks.
Now who's next?

Let's go, dad. You're on. Not me. I'm
not following monkeys this season.

It's all right. They'll think it's an
encore. Besides, 10 bucks is 10 bucks.

Come along. Don't be bashful.
Who's next?

Here's your boy!
Stay in there, Punch.

Say, can I borrow that stomach, Steinway?
Take good care of him.

You kiddin'?
It's got asthma now.

♪ You think that money
is everything ♪

♪ And yet it's
anybody's spring ♪

♪ Go make a fortune
Become a king ♪

♪ And still it's
anybody's spring ♪

♪ And if you flash
a bankroll ♪

♪ Do you suppose
the brook would care? ♪

♪ Or that a rose would say ♪

♪ "There goes a millionaire"? ♪

♪ It's more than diamonds
around a ring ♪

♪ Because it's
anybody's spring ♪

♪ You may be born
with a silver spoon ♪

♪ And yet it's
anybody's moon ♪

♪ You couldn't buy a ticket ♪

♪ To hear
the first robin sing ♪

♪ It's free because
it's anybody's spring ♪

I never knew I could play one of these.
You could beat the monkey alone.

♪ You couldn't buy
a ticket ♪

♪ To hear
the first robin sing ♪

♪ It's free because
it's anybody's spring ♪♪

Very nice.
Very nice.

Now for the winner. Line
right up here, folks, please.

He's wasting time.
Naturally.

Silly boy.

Next time, I bring Sinatra.

Pardon me. Could you tell me where
I could find a Mr. Ace Larson?

At his place, I reckon.
The Golden Rail.

Thank you.

So I came up here as fast
as I could, Mr. Larson.

If you'll only help me, I'll be
glad to pay you any... Pay me?

Why, you seem to forget, my dear,
your father was my best friend.

Thank you. Who did you
say stole that map?

I didn't say,
but they were seen.

Two men named Sperry and McGurk.

Sperry and McGurk, huh?

You know them?
By reputation only.

Two of the blackest cutthroats
that ever dirtied up the Klondike.

- Maybe the police...
- That won't be necessary.

Go down to the dock. I want to
know the minute those two hit town.

I can't begin
to thank you, Mr. Larson.

Oh, forget it.

What do you do?
I beg your pardon?

For your living.
How do you get by?

Oh. I sing a little.

I like that.

From now on, you'll work for me.

Don't you worry your pretty little head
about it. Just leave everything to me.

You've been terribly sweet.

The dirty dog. He just wants to get
Dorothy into one of those scanty costumes.

Not a bad idea either, huh?

I'm working for Mr. Larson. Could
you tell me where... Upstairs.

Thank you.

Who's the fancy baggage? A little
lady who's lost a gold mine.

What are you,
the lost-and-found department?

Yeah. I'm gonna help her get it back too.
I'm a nice guy.

Aren't you stepping a little out
of character? Oh, I don't know.

The mine's worth about
three million dollars.

And what do we get out of it?

Oh, about...
three million dollars.

Oh.

It doesn't leave
the little lady much, does it?

That's what I like
about you, Kate.

You're so good at arithmetic.

It's a beautiful thing.

The boat docks in Skagway in an hour.
But are we getting off?

Oh, no. We're cooked.
Don't look at me.

I didn't even want to get on this boat.
I was Shangri-la'd.

"Shanghaied," old man.

Well, one of
them towns in Egypt.

Hey, what do you got there?

Nothin'. Just an old piece
of paper, that's all.

What are you puttin' it in your
pocket for then? I save old paper.

You know, like some people save old string?
I think folding is more fun than twisting.

Come on. What is it? It's nothing.
Just a map of an old gold mine.

Oh, an old gold... What?

Just a little one, good for a couple
of inlays maybe. Come on. Let's see it.

I'm an old map man.
This is my type of work.

Chester, you realize what this is?
Sure, it's a map.

But what a map. It's the Van Hoyden
gold mine. You read the papers.

The fella they bumped off in San Francisco.
You think so?

The guys that have this room
must be the killers. Dirty rats.

We got the map though. It's ours.
How do you figure?

The law of the Yukon:
Possession.

How about the murderers? We'll
turn 'em over to the cops.

They'll string 'em up like the rats they are.
- That's too good for 'em.

They should be boiled in oil.
I told you we'd have a gold mine.

I saw it in the cards.
Those beautiful cards.

Riding down Fifth Avenue. Throwing
$50 bills at the round haircuts.

We'll be living like kings.
Living like kings, huh?

Sure. We...

I abdicate.

Nice little mine
you got here, fellas.

Yeah. Wear it in good health, boys.
Well, nice to meet you.

Gotta run along now.
Come on, Chester.

We got a little dust of our own to take
care of. Start cleaning up right here.

That blood.
There's no blood there.

There's gonna be.
No noise, you fool.

No noise. You wanna wake
up the whole neighborhood?

This is much better.

Yeah? Well,
I ain't afraid to die.

I just hate being killed.
That's all.

Wait a minute, fellas. Think it over.
Yeah, for a couple of years.

You wouldn'twant to dirty a nice knife
over a stale couple of million bucks, hmm?

What are we gonna do now?
Remember Schenectady?

Schenectady?

Okay, fellas, we're ready. Yeah.
We ain't askin' for no mercy.

Can we have a few minutes
to say our prayers?

Okay.
Be quick about it.

O'Toole.
O'Toole.

Daley. Daley. Daley.

Crawford.
Crawford.

No trace of those stowaways, sir.
I ain'tworried.

If they're gettin' off, they've
gotta come through here.

Flannery.
Flannery.

Peters.
Peters.

Anderson.
Anderson.

Lombardi.
Lombardi.

Sperry.
And McGurk.

- Sperry and McGurk.
- Sperry and McGurk!

Yeah, Sperry and McGurk. What about
it, partner? Yeah, what about it?

Nothing. Nothing, boys. Only,
just don't make any trouble.

Things are different since you boys
were here. It's nice and peaceful.

Well, don'tworry. We're
law-abiding citizens now.

And anybody says we ain't,
we'll plug 'em, see?

Collins.
Collins.

Hey. What do you know? Sperry
and McGurk just hit town.

Sperry and McGurk? Yeah,
and they're headed this way.

Here they come now!

Come on.
Come on!

Hey, what goes
with the local peasantry?

One look at us, and they
run right out of the joint.

I feel like I'm back
in vaudeville.

I don't know what Sperry and McGurk
did to this burg, but they're dynamite.

We own this town.

I'll sell cheap.
I don't like it.

If those hoodlums ever get off that boat, we'll
be smiling from ear to ear with our throats.

Forget it.
The town's ours.

Food, liquor, supplies, anything we want.
All we gotta do is act tough.

Tough? Remember now, you're
Sperry and I'm McGurk.

You got it?
Got it.

Made it. Not quite.
It's a leaner.

Huh? What'd I tell ya?

We got the royal suite here,
dinner, liquor,

sled loaded
with a month's supplies.

Oh, ho! So far,
it hasn't cost us a dime.

Come on. Clamber out of that beaver.
It's not smart.

How will they know we're Sperry and McGurk?
We'll tell 'em.

If those two butchers ever get off that
boat, we'll wind up hamburger, blood rare.

I don't like it.
You don't like it?

I don't like it. You don't know
a good thing when you see it.

This town's a whole big jackpot for us.
I don't like it.

Skagway Sal wants
to see you boys.

I'm beginning to like it. Get out of here.
Get out of here!

We got business.
Who'd you say?

Skagway Sal.

Well, come on in.
That's our business.

Uh, where does, uh... hang out, hmm?
Golden Rail.

Look-a here, skunky.

Anybody in this town ever see Sperry
and McGurk with their beards off?

Not that I know of.

- Spread the news around.
- They're gonna see it tonight.

Okay.

Skagway Sal... let's go.
Now they're furnishing dates.

This is a great town, boy.
We're beginning to operate.

You heard what the man said.
Sal's waitin'.

What's the rush? There's only one dame.
That's the rush.

Plenty of time, Chester. You better
clamber out of that mattress...

before somebody asks you
for a cough drop.

You better let me hold the map.
What for?

You know how you act
when you get around the women.

The only thing I do when I get around
the women is get around the women.

See what I mean? Give me the map.
Half of it's mine.

Half of it's yours.
Here you are.

What're you doing? Putting mine
in my hat, in a safe place.

You'd better do the same thing.
In a safe place?

Sure. What do you
think of my underwear?

Not much, but put it
there anyway.

Hey, throw that candy away.
I got a sweet tooth.

You got a soft brain too. We're supposed to
be killers. We're supposed to look tough.

The almonds are tough. Lose it.
Throw it away. Stash it.

Here, fuzzy.
Dessert? Come on.

When you get to an elbow,
it's mine.

Are you crazy, feedin' a lose pooch?
We'll never get rid of him.

He's a cute character. Let's
take him along. Take him along?

Look at the size of him. He's as big
as a horse. Probably eats like a horse.

That runs into a lot of money.
You oughta know.

Come on. Now remember, we're
supposed to be Sperry and McGurk.

Tough, huh?
Very tough.

Scat, sad sack.
Go on. Scat.

Beat it before he
throws a saddle on you.

There they are!

How tough could
these guys have been?

Okay, everybody, go ahead
and enjoy yourselves.

Yeah, we ain't in
a killin' mood tonight.

Just a woundin' mood.

Let's get in action here. Sperry
and McGurk are springin' tonight.

Champagne for the crowd.

That's enough.
We're the crowd.

Now, at this point, the plot is much more
interesting from your point of view than mine.

Mighty fine. Drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink.

This is the life, eh, pappy?
This is awful.

What's the matter? I
ain't got room for her.

I wish I had another leg,
but I'm sorry.

Say, what happens
when Sal shows up?

She'll have to sign an application blank.
We may get to her later.

Yeah...

♪ Mary Smith had
a college education ♪

♪ Sally Jones had
a scientific streak ♪

♪ Susie Brown used to lecture
on ancient architecture ♪

♪ Josie Green spoke
Latin and Greek ♪

♪ Just forgotten girls
with forgotten brains ♪

♪ While history explains ♪

♪ When Madam Pompadour
was on a ballroom floor ♪

♪ Said all the gentlemen
obviously ♪

♪ "The madam has the cutest ♪

♪ Personality" ♪

♪ And think of all the books
about Du Barry's looks ♪

♪ What was it made her
the toast of Paris? ♪

♪ She had a well developed ♪

♪ Personality ♪

♪ And what did Romeo
see in Juliet? ♪

♪ Or Pierrot in Pierette? ♪

♪ Or Jupiter in Juno? ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ And when Salome danced
and had the boys entranced ♪

♪ No doubt it must have
been easy to see ♪

♪ That she knew
how to use her ♪

♪ Personality ♪

♪ So don't you say I'm smart
and have the kindest heart ♪

♪ Or what a wonderful sister
I'd be ♪

♪ Just tell me
how you like my ♪

♪ Personality ♪

♪ Personality ♪♪

Well, duty calls. I'll see you later.
What do you mean, later?

You saw her makin' with those
eyes, giving me that "come hither."

Givin' you that "come hither"?
Yes.

Where you goin'?
Hither.

You're not "nither." She was
giving me the same business.

Wait a minute, Ches. This
gal's been around a little.

Takes a lad like me to handle her.
Like you?

Experience is the best teacher.
Experience is the best teacher?

Naturally, and I'm a PhD.
That's "Pinheaded Dope."

Let me tell you
something, Einstein...

Here comes the waiter
with the check.

Which one of you two
fellas is Sperry? Him.

Experience is
the best teacher, huh?

Don'twait up for me.
I may have to stay after school.

That poor little lamb.

All right, girls, everybody back!
Everybody!

Work fast.
As soon as we get the map,

Ace is headin' for
his place up at Dawson.

Are you sure they're the right men?
They don't look like killers to me.

Look. We're going to a lot of trouble
on this. Don't make it no tougher.

I appreciate that.
Only I...

You wanna get your mine, don't you?
Then leave it to Ace.

He told you to get that map,

and he ain't particular
how you get it.

Come in.

Well, here I am.
Start burning the incense.

Come in.

Well, here we are.
Yes, here we are.

Well?

Care to shoot a game of pool?
I'm glad I waited, Sperry.

Everything they said
about you is true. Is it?

I can only love a killer, and you've
got killer written all over you.

I can't hide it, huh? Those
shifty eyes, that weak chin.

Camouflage. Tell me, how many
men have you killed this week?

Just 40 or 50. I've been
in a pretty good mood.

But let's not talk shop. It seems
to me we've met somewhere before.

I don't think so.
Perhaps in your dreams.

You wouldn't be seen
in those kind of places.

Some women can love
any type of man, but not me.

I've got to have a beast of a man.
Do you hear me? A beast.

Is a wolf considered a beast?

My, what a fiery nature.

Let's throw another log on it.

As far as I'm concerned,
this picture's over right now.

Oh, Sperry! Never leave me, Sal.
You'll suffer.

Not for anything in the world.

Not even if they offered me
a... a gold mine.

Gold mine?

Money doesn't matter to me.
I don't care how poor you are.

You mean that, don't you?

You've got nothin'
to worry about.

Shh!
I'm loaded.

Loaded? Gold mine with nuggets.

Sperry!
Don't be facetious.

Keep politics out of this. I got the
biggest gold mine in Alaska, that's all.

It's ours, Sal. Yours and mine.
What about your partner?

Who, Porky? Just a stooge.
Carry him around for laughs.

Once we get that map off of him,
we're rollin'. Oh, he's got the map.

Don't worry. I'll get
it when he's asleep.

Where does he keep it? Sorry, we
don't tell anyone. We're no fools.

Not even me?
Not even you.

I hope it's in a safe place.
In a safe place?

Who'd ever think
of looking in his hat?

We're not amateurs, you know.
I can see that.

Darling, it's getting late.
You'd better run along.

What's the rush? I've got another
show to do. I'll see you later.

But I just got here.
I said later.

Midnight?
My apartment?

Supper?
I'm not hungry.

I'll go work up an appetite.

Come in.

You can take the lantern
out of the window, Sal gal.

The mighty McGurk is home. Sit down.
Make yourself cozy.

I don't mind if I do.

Well, this is more like it.

Yes. Seems like they
sent you the wrong boy, hmm?

I can't understand it.
I asked for McGurk.

Well, you must've
spelled itwith a "J."

I wasn't worried none though. I knew
you'd come to your senses sooner or later.

They all do. It's not
hard to understand.

Where are you goin', gal?
Cigarette.

You've already got one. Oh.
Oh, I have, haven't I?

I guess I'm a little mixed up.
See what you do to me?

You can't help yourself, babe.
You just joined the club.

Must have quite a membership.
Coast to coast.

We can always squeeze in
a new member.

You're quite a panic
with the ladies, aren't you?

Man, I'm murder when I make my move.
Murder.

Tell me,

how do you do it?

It's the usual routine... flowers,
Sunday dinner at home with the folks.

Make a little character. Take
her for a ride in the park.

Sing her a little song,
and then, uh, uh,

sing a little song.

It's the song that does it, huh?

You know, it sort of
limbers 'em up a little.

That song may be
just what we need here.

Baby, you and me don't need no scales.
Come on.

You're not going anywhere.

There's the piano, McGurk. Let's
hear you practice what you preach.

♪ Welcome
to my dream ♪

♪ And how are you? ♪

♪ Will you
be here long? ♪

♪ Or just
passin' through? ♪

♪ Brush off that stardust ♪

♪ Where have you been? ♪

♪ Don't tell me
your rainbow ♪

♪ Was late gettin' in ♪

♪ Welcome to my dream ♪

♪ It now seems real ♪

♪ You're what
it needed ♪

♪ To make it ideal ♪

♪ So glad you got here ♪

♪ I hope you can stay ♪

♪ Butwelcome
to my dream ♪

♪ Anyway ♪♪

What's the matter, gal?
Want another chorus? Later.

Later? Midnight, my apartment?

What for?
I'm here now!

A cozy little supper?
I'm not "hongry."

I'll go work up an appetite.

Hey, wait a minute. Hope just
said that line, didn't he?

Well, why should he
get all the laughs?

Here it is. Nice work, Miss Van Hoyden.
You know what to do.

Keep 'em here in town.
Give me 48 hours.

I'll stake out the claim,
bring you back the papers.

Mr. Larson,
I don't know how to thank you.

Forget it, honey. We're only
too happy to take care of you.

You be careful. You've got
a couple of bad boys there.

Don't worry. I'll handle
Mr. Sperry and Mr. McGurk.

All right, mush!

So you finally got yourself a date, huh?
Ah, you said it.

What'd you do? Pick
up a lonely walrus?

Now, you know I don't
cut into your territory.

You're not kiddin'. You know that
school of experience? I enrolled.

You did? Tonight I take my first exam...
in cooking.

Never pass.
Why not?

I have a date with teacher. That's fine.
I like... What do you mean a date?

Midnight, supper, her
apartment... I shall be there.

Doing what? Waiting on tables?
That supper's for little Chester.

Oh-ho. Listen, fatter-than-me,
you're overmatching yourself.

She made the date with me. Why would she
make a date with two guys at the same time?

Why not?

How about that? This-This youth
here says you made a date with him.

Did you or didn't you?
Yes, I did.

You're darn right.
I thought you invited me.

Yeah, what are you doin'?
Sellin' tickets?

I like both of you so much. And Sperry
and McGurk always work together as a team.

Not on everything, we don't.

Come on, boys. Let's go
downstairs and talk this over.

Who was it that said, "Two's
company, three's a crowd"?

Wasn't he silly? Yes. Yes.

I see no reason why a girl can't go out
and have a good time with two fellas.

Course not, as long as
one's her grandfather.

Why, Mr. Sperry, you
don't look that old.

So long, Sal.
Nice knowin' you.

Where you going?
North to cool off.

Dawson City. Have to
see about a gold mine.

Don't you have to have a map?
I got my half.

I got mine.
Half?

So long. I'll see you
when we get back.

Sled's outside. Let's get our
coats and blow. Lead on, dad.

Where are they?
2... 218.

Boy, what a blizzard! We should've
put on some warm clothes.

Hope there's no bear hunters around.
Mine's still alive.

Where do you step on the starter?
No starter?

Must be last year's model. What are
we thinkin' of? It's a dog sled!

We'll pull it ourselves. Not me! In
a blizzard? Through all this snow?

Are you mad?
We're not dogs, you know.

But I tell you, I've got to get a sled.
No dogs till tomorrow.

Will you have any by daybreak?

Don't fail me.
I've got to get away.

Here we are, off on another road.
Oh, and what a road.

Case those trees, that snow,
that scenery and that sky.

And get a load
of that bread and butter.

Bread and butter?
That's a mountain.

May be a mountain to you, but it's bread
and butter to me. Well, keep it shady.

I'm in a hurry. Think you
can handle it by yourself?

Handle it? I was raised up here.
Mush! Mush!

♪ I don't care
where I'm going ♪

♪ Just as long
as I'm with you ♪

♪ Put it there, pal
Put it there ♪

You know, I saw. Let's Face It.
Yes, and I saw Dixie too.

Great picture, huh?

♪ Put it there, pal
Put it there ♪

♪ This country's
full of wolves ♪

But you... You should
make 'em laughingstocks.

♪ The girls are fond
of blubber ♪

♪ And the igloos
have no locks ♪

♪ You'll wow the lady Eskimos
They don'twear bobby socks ♪

♪ You're so faithful
and so fair ♪

Hit me with your biscuit hook.
Coming up with some hot skin!

♪ You've got that something in your
voice so right for selling cheese ♪

♪ Put it there, pal
Put it there ♪

I-I think your jokes are great.
Do you?

It's just folks are hard to please.
Yeah.

Your hand, sir. Put
that back in the bowl.

♪ Your face could make
a fortune ♪

♪ Just your nose
should make a lot ♪

♪ I like the way
you wear ♪

♪ Those gaudy-colored shirts
you've got ♪

♪ The only time a rainbow
ever covered up a pot ♪

♪ We make
a perfect pair ♪

♪ Put it there ♪

My colleague.
My crony.

My cohort.
My friend.

Companions.
Confederates.

Chums to the end.

Like meat and potatoes.
Or salt and tomatoes.

♪ Boy what a blend ♪

♪ Don't put it in the paper
Don't put it on the air ♪

♪ Don't put it on the shelf
Put it there ♪♪

Look who's here. Santa Claus.
Yeah!

Say, there must be a
department store around here.

Well, well. Chester and Duke.
Whoa!

Got your Christmas presents
right here.

Oh, on your way, fatso. Think we're
gonna fall for that kid stuff?

You mean you don't believe
in Santa Claus?

Santa Claus?
What do you think we are?

Children? Infants?
Babies?

Very well.

I'll just give 'em
to somebody else.

You'll be sorry!

Da-da, da-da.

Gone! Gone! Gone! Gone!

Half a map! I let a couple of
two-bit hoodlums cross me up.

I didn't give 'em
that much credit.

Maybe our nightingale
is holding out.

LeBec was there.
That's all she got.

I'll go back and get the
other half... No, you don't!

I'm not going to tangle with
the Mounties unless I have to.

Van Hoyden got half the map.
Let her get the other.

Suppose I go down
and help her out?

Yeah! I like that.

I don't! I'm running this show.
You'll both go.

We'll give Kate a chance. If that
doesn't work, then you can take over.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Come on. Let's go down
and get them.

You know what Ace said.
We try Kate's way first.

Look. McKenzie's cabin's over there.
You understand.

Give me till tomorrow morning.

All right. We'll be waiting
up here in the hills.

And I was gonna
open a Turkish bath.

You had to feed that monster.

And you had to bring me to
Alaska to freeze to death.

You should quit grousin'.

You should've worn earmuffs. What for?
My ears fell off an hour ago.

We find that mine,
you'll be a rich man.

My hands are frozen. My feet are frozen.
Everything's frozen!

You'll be sittin'
on top of the world.

I told you.
Everything's frozen.

I'm cold.
My nose is like an icicle.

Icicle? That's a glacier! Yea...

Hey, look!

A pedestrian!
Huh!

Say, it's a dame! A dame?
You kidding?

What would a dame be doing up here?
It could be Sonja Henie.

Let me see her. Oh, no. Nothing doing.
I found her.

Kick around
and find one for yourself.

Say, she ain't bad.
Is she alive?

Come on. Don't make no difference.
She's still mine.

She's alive.
Pick her up. She's frozen.

I'd hate to be around
when she thaws out.

Goldilocks, let's get
out of this frappé.

Let me help. Okay,
but don't enjoy it.

No fuel shortage for us.
I got my little stove.

Oh! Look who's here.

Hey, what are you doing here?

We had a little date, remember?

- Nobody stands up Skagway Sal.
- You've got me wrong, baby.

Who'd want to?
Looks like I've got my little stove now.

Oh, cabin.
Over there.

We better get her to the cabin fast.
Yeah.

Buster, put your stove on the
sled, and we'll run along.

What are you gonna do?

We'd better start... warming
things up, shall we say?

Huh?

That's how it stands.

Either we get that map
off Sperry,

or those butchers'll
be down in the morning.

That's liable to be a bit messy.

Murder? I believe
that's the word for it.

Whoop! Whoop!

This is jolly, jolly.

Snug-warm cabins,
congenial companions.

Yes, sir! Doing
grand, grand, grand.

I'd consider Sal showing up
quite a coincidence...

if I didn't know
how crazy she was about me.

About you?
Can't keep her eyes off me.

How come she's always
looking at me?

She wants to see
what a bargain she's getting.

I didn't notice her getting
the welcome mat out for you.

You don't have to. I'm already
in the kitchen with my shoes off.

Ooh-hoo!

Yes, sir, this is great.

I think my worm has B.O.
It couldn't be you.

Well, we'll get another.

Of course, I will admit there's
something phony about that dame.

I don't know what it is, but she just
don't seem to belong here in Alaska.

Belong? Are you kidding? That shows
how much you know about women.

Look at her. Could you see
that girl anywhere but Alaska?

No, I guess not.

There.
You see what I mean?

You don't know any more about
women than you do about fishing.

No? You see what the
score is, don't you?

Duke, 13. Chester, nothing.
You're skunked, ol' boy.

Yeah, you're using loaded bait.

Besides, when it comes to fishing,
you can't tell how good a guy is...

until you know what he's fishing for.
Hi, boys.

Here's my filet.
Warm it, honey, right here.

McGurk, if you don't mind, I'd
like to be alone with Sperry.

Run over to Peoria
and get me a ham sandwich?

Blow and check with me
in about three years.

We may need you as a bridesmaid.
Wait... Wait a minute.

Number 14 just checked in.

Well, if you're a good boy,

I'll save you a few of the heads.
Yeah.

Pick one out for yourself.

That guy burns me up,
him and his 14 fish.

You'd think there
was no romance left.

Think all a fella had to do was sit
around and catch one little fish.

One crummy fish.

Let's go for a walk in the woods.
Oh, just a minute.

I got more nibbles
than I can handle.

Hey, bud, where's your partner?

He just stepped into... Huh?

Just tell him 15 was here.

- Come on!
- Okay.

Come on!

Oh, come on, folks.
Quit following us, will you?

You know, it's funny, us
going for each other this way.

But then I guess it just had to be.
We couldn't help it.

We were just thrown together
by fate.

No, no. You weren't thrown together.
That took planning.

Oh, what a project!

Come on.
Let's sit down.

The minute I heard you sing, it
hit me right in the old ticker.

It was going
pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

Then suddenly it started goin'
patter-pitter, patter-pitter.

How's it going now? I can't
tell pitter from patter.

♪ You wouldn't dare
be too bold ♪

♪ Would you? ♪

♪ And think that my hand
was to hold ♪

♪ Would you? ♪

♪ And you
wouldn't play ♪

♪ On my sympathy ♪

♪ Then take advantage
of me ♪

♪ Would you? ♪

♪ You shouldn't be
quite so near ♪

♪ Should you? ♪

♪ Or whisper those words
in my ear ♪

♪ Should you? ♪

♪ You can't get
romantic ♪

♪ That, you know,
takes two ♪

♪ But darling ♪

♪ If I would ♪

♪ Would you? ♪♪

Hot snowing.

Don't get anxious.
We'll get around to it.

Didn't anyone ever tell you
there'd be moments like this?

My school teacher did, just
before we were expelled together.

Sperry, how long must we wait?
Huh?

McGurk's map. Suppose
he runs off with it?

He can't.
I've got the other half.

I worry so. I hope
it's in a safe place.

Don'tworry.
We're not amateurs, you know.

Sperry, where's the map? There's
only one map I want to talk about.

Yours. That skin, those lips.
Where is it?

Those eyes... They're
beautiful, and they match.

Are you going to tell
me or aren't you?

Let's get back to pitter-patter.

Come on.
Dinner's ready.

- Who can eat?
- Dinner.

Whoa!
Look at those tracks.

We must be on the right trail.
Come on.

Mush!
Ha!

I never thought a woman'd get me to
washing dishes, drying 'em and liking it.

But I'm washing 'em,
and I'm drying 'em,

and I'm liking it.

Uh, we'll need some water
for tomorrow's coffee.

Do you mind? I might
as well get used to it.

I think I'll get
a little fresh air.

Why'd you get rid
of chowder-head?

The map. He wants to steal your
half tonight and run away with me.

Who are you kidding?
What map?

He told you where I had it, huh?

Fine pal. That's friendship for you.
Loyalty, decency.

A man has to sink pretty low when
he'll sell out his best friend.

You wouldn't say where his map is,
would you? You're darn right I wouldn't.

It can stay in his undershirt until it
rots! It shouldn't take long either.

I trusted him.

When do we leave?
What?

Can we get it tonight?

Look, honey, you've been blowing
hot and cold all through this deal.

How come all of a sudden I'm your boy?
I'm particular...

what type man I share
a gold mine with.

That the type?
It'll do.

It's just some of
my lighter stuff.

Darling, promise me something. Go
back to Frisco and give yourself up.

What? We'll fight it together.
Get the best lawyers.

Maybe they won't hang you.
Honey, I got a little T.L. for you.

I'm not McGurk.

It was all an act. We found the map on
the boat. My name's Johnson, Duke Johnson.

I knew it. I knew I
couldn't love a murderer.

It's that other one, Sperry, he's the
killer. Oh, a despicable character.

Those weak eyes,
that shifty chin.

Of course.
Definite criminal type.

Don't you worry. We'll take
care of him and his map.

But it isn't his map.
It's mine.

It was my father's, and now it's mine.
Yours and mine.

I mean the mine, understand?

I think the trip was
a little too much for you.

Don't you worry about a thing. I'll get
the map tomorrow, and we'll beat it.

There's no time.
They'll kill you.

Larson, those butchers...
They're up in the hills.

- Get some shut-eye.
- It'll fix you up.

I think this gal is cracking up. Put
her to bed and see she gets some rest.

I'll go case the killer.

But, Duke!

Hey, what's going on?

He's not McGurk, and I'm not
going through with it. Not now.

I'm in love with him.
You little fool!

You know those thugs
are in the hills.

If you love him, you've
got to go through with it.

But he's not McGurk.
They can't kill him.

The only way you can save him
is to get up to Ace Larson.

You'll never get out of here
without that map.

Well?
What do you say?

We'll get it tonight
when they're asleep.

♪ Welcome to my dream ♪

♪ And how are you? ♪

♪ Will you be here long? ♪

♪ Or just passing through? ♪

♪ Brush off that stardust ♪

♪ Where have you been? ♪

♪ Don't tell me
your rainbow ♪

♪ Was late gettin' in ♪

♪ Welcome to my dream ♪

♪ It now seems real ♪

♪ You're what it needed ♪

♪ To make it ideal ♪♪

What, you lose something?

Is that you, honey?

Quiet. Don't say a word.
I'll do all the talking.

Honey, you're puffing. You
didn't have to run over here.

Aw, things are gonna be
different after we're married.

I'm gonna do things for you.
Big things.

I'm gonna buy you real furs. You won't
have to wear this cheap imitation.

I'm gonna buy you a home of your own.
No more sleeping on cold floors.

Gesundheit, dear.

And the jewels I'm gonna buy you...
emerald bracelets down to there.

And diamond rings
for your fingers too.

They'll go so well with
those long nails of yours.

Honey, you've been
working too hard!

- Sperry, are you awake?
- Of course I'm awake.

- Who's that with you?
- Who do you think? It's you.

It's... It's a bear.

Now, keep calm.
Just keep calm.

Help!

Who's your girlfriend, junior?
It's a bear. Do something!

Who'd you bring home? Who do
you think I am, Daniel Boone?

Looks like we've got another mouth to feed.
Looks like I'm on the menu.

Get my arm out of here.
She likes affection maybe.

Keep it up or we'll
both be bear bait. Yeah.

Pour it on, Sam.
Make her know it.

We'll be so happy together.

I can see us now romping around
Yellowstone Park together.

We'll go
and live with your folks.

All right, with my folks.
We'll rent a little cave.

We'll raise a family...
A boy for you, a bear for me.

Help! We're cooked. Here's
the house detective.

A fine thing!
A fish, they let talk.

Me, they won't give
one stinking line.

Whoa! Whoa!

I hope he'll understand.
Quit worrying about it.

Come on, LeBec. Let's go.
Mush!

Come on, kids! Cut it out. Yeah.

Fix our breakfast, doll face.
We'll see you later.

Come on.
Come on, girls.

Hi, fellas.

I'll give you three seconds.
Where's that map?

The map?
Oh. Oh, the map.

Yeah, the map. Well, don't worry.
We got it.

Yeah, we got it. It's
in his cap and in my...

Let me see that cap!

Okay, this is it.

Wait a minute, fellas. We'll
get the map for you. Sure.

Where is it?
Well, it's in...

- It's in the bear's mouth.
- Get it and be quick.

Smart guys, us.
We're a couple of pigeons.

Yeah, a dame hits us twice
with those big moose eyes...

and right away, we start
giving away gold mines.

If we get that map back,
I'm brushing dames off forever.

Oh, they're poison. They run their fingers
through your hair, play with your ear,

roll you, clip you, then
they throw you in the gutter.

You know what's worse?
Than that? What?

I love it.

Next time, we shoot first.
And ask questions afterwards.

Those guys are green.
They won't get far.

But they took our dogs. Those ain't the
only dogs in Alaska! We'll find some.

A couple of prospectors.
Yeah.

Reach!

Mush!

They got a good start.
We'll catch 'em.

Did you ever stop to think
of one of those dog teams?

The lead dog is the only dog that
ever gets a change of scenery.

Care for another pillow?

No, I'm fairly comfortable. Yes.

Mind the bumps like a good fellow, eh?
Uh-huh.

Whoa!

There they are.

Who's that?
Moose hunting.

Mush, mush! Mush. I'm
dying, and you want to eat.

Go ahead.
Come on, boy!

Boy! Freewheeling. Why didn't
I think of this before?

Exciting, isn't it?

If Hope and Crosby are
caught, they'll be killed.

They won't be able to tell
any more of those jokes.

Come on.
Mush, mush!

Whoa! What is this?
Alcatraz?

Let's hit for the rocks. It's our
only chance. Hey, they'll find us.

It's either us or them.
My money's on them.

I'll take this rope.
We may need it.

Don't do anything
till you hear from me.

Nice place to throw the Grand Canyon.
All this ice and no ginger ale.

Stay up.
You'll get a draw.

You all right?

We gotta get out somewhere,
either up or down.

It ain't down. Let's go
right down the middle. Okay.

Oh-oh, dead end.

Our luck. A one-way mountain. What'll
we do now? We'll use the rope.

There must be some reason for it.
It might catch on a tree, huh?

They gotta be here somewhere.

Here goes. One in a million.
Throw a nail up too.

Oh, hey!
Help!

We made it! Made it?
Boy, one in a million.

One in a million!
It's solid. Let's go.

Whoop!

Hold on!

Oh, boy.

Say, you got a match?
Yeah.

What's the matter?
You crazy or something?

Match. Rub your head
against the rocks.

All out.
Top floor.

Going down.

I'm slipping.
Untie your boot.

You touch that boot, and
I'll cut your hand off!

Boy, that'll hold 'em.

We could've been killed!

Hey, am I dead? I can't tell.
You always look that way.

Come on!

Shh!

- Shh.
- Shh!

Shh! One little sound
starts a whole avalanche.

I should have worn my derby. Shh.
You want them to hear us?

- Hiccup the other way.
- That's the only way I know how.

Hold it.
Suppress it somehow.

Frighten me. I can't.
I haven't got a mirror.

Well, sing something.
Huh?

It's cracking up. One little
sound starts an avalanche.

Don'tworry.
I'm okay now.

Concentrate. Count to 20. I can't.
I've got my mittens on.

- Count!
- Five, 10, 15...

What now? I think
one more will do it.

Let's see you come up
with something now.

Ready, aim, fire. I can't.
I'm out of gas.

Think of something, somebody.
Who?

W.C. Fields.

Now for Dawson City
and those dames.

Dames! We'll be lucky
if we get to Dawson City.

Just a minute. I'm the navigator.
What? Again?

Mush!

You see, they're not Sperry and McGurk.
It's all a mistake.

Mistakes happen,
but that can be remedied.

I'll send a couple boys
back to the cabin,

and they can explain things
to Sperry and McGurk.

But I told you, they're not Sperry
and McGurk. Well, whoever they are.

You wait here.

I don't want any slipup.

How do we spot 'em?
You can't miss.

Kate tells me wherever they go,
they travel with a big shaggy dog.

Drink up.
Keep your eyes open.

They may be on their way
up here now.

Mush, mush!
Hey!

Whoa, you dogs. Okay, gas up, kids.
Very tiring trip.

That speed bother you? I should've
had you at the other end of the sled.

Come on, curly. Where you
going with that fleabag?

We got trouble enough. Stake her out there.
Don't want her?

Put her over here.
Wait for us, fuzz.

If you see anything in slacks,
bark twice, and I'll join you.

Don't forget, be fair.

We act tough, see? Mosey over to
the bar and ask a few questions.

Why, sure.

Couple of strangers in town.

Hello, boys. You new in town?
Yeah.

Join me in a drink?
Don't mind if we do.

What'll you have? Oh,
a couple fingers of rotgut.

What's yours? I'll take a lemonade...
in a dirty glass!

What's all the celebration?

A posse. There's going to be
a little hanging.

Little hanging, huh? Well,
what do you know? Hanging, huh?

Well, that's noose to me.

That's noose... I made a joke.
Every...

We're killing 'em here.
Or vice versa.

Hangin', huh?
Sounds gay.

Yeah, sure does.
Happy hunting, partner.

Who are you stringing up?

Couple of fellas who call
themselves Sperry and McGurk.

You don't happen
to know them, do you?

No, no. I know Sperry when I see McGurk.
I mean, I know McGurk when...

Never heard of 'em.

Why don't you join us?

We'd love to, but it's getting late.
Got a little ironing to do.

Hey, you!

It's going to be
a lovely hanging, boys,

and I have an idea
you ought to be there.

Look, stranger, how you
gonna hang these fellows?

You don't seem to know 'em.
How 'bout that?

We'll know 'em when we see 'em.

They always travel
with a big shaggy dog.

Well, I... I... Ay-yi-yi-yi.
I... Ay-yi-yi-yi.

A big shaggy dog, huh? Yeah!

The minute we see that dog,
we're gonna string them up.

The minute you see the dog...
You're gonna string them up, eh?

Sounds like a cinch. Yes. All you
gotta do is find a big shaggy dog.

Alaska's full of them big shaggy
fellas... A dime a dozen around here.

All you have to do is
find a big shaggy dog?

What's the matter with him?

His foot's gone to sleep.
Stomp on it a bit.

He thinks he's a dog. His mother
was frightened by a Pekingese.

That's all right, Rover. Gimme
your paw, Rove. Gimme your paw.

That's a good dog.
Okay, I'm over it.

You don't think you're a dog?
I'm not a dog.

You feel all right?
Sure.

You sure? Feel how
cold my nose is.

Oh, what a hot horn! This is a sick
dog, sick boy. Gotta get him home.

He doesn't look sick.
Let me hear that bark.

Quite a big echo in here.
Come on, Fido.

Oh, he's gone again.

He's gone.

Downhill here. The whole place slants.
Whoa, boy.

Woof!

A little congested. We'll
use the family entrance.

It's been fun!

Let's get 'em!
Come on, boys!

Hey! Sal.

Why, the little crook.

That's the story, Mr. LeBec.
Kate can tell you.

The only reason I went through
with it was to save their lives.

You see, I'm in love
with one of them.

I'd die before I'd let
anything happen to him.

Very noble of you.

Imagine a girl
loving a guy that much.

Yeah.
I'm notworth it.

I'm a regular Casablanca.
Casanova.

When did they change that?

I'm sure Mr. Larson
will understand.

They're here. Get the map.
Put it in the safe.

What about her? Tie her up.
I'll take care of her later.

Why the dirty...

I told you they wouldn't
let you say that.

We gotta save her. Wait.
We'll get that map first. She told me. It's hers.

Suppose they knock her off?
They'll be busy looking for us.

We'll get the map and the girl.
What a parlay. Now you're talking.

Let's move.

Come on, push, push!

Hey, get out.
Go chase a tree.

Get rid of him.
Throw something.

A stick or something. Get me some brandy.
A stick, yeah.

Stick! Go!
Went that way.

What do you hear?
Shh!

Who taught you that racket?
My old man.

Oh, following in your
father's fingerprints, huh?

Oh, he was great.
Need a little light here.

I'll light the lantern. No, you crazy?
They'll see us.

There's a box of candles.

It's a funny-looking candle.
Why has it got such a big wick?

Has to. The nights up here
are six months long. Oh.

And me with insomnia.

There's something wrong with this thing.
Blow on it a little.

Bring it down here.
Let me see.

Duke, I'm kinda glad
you talked me into this deal.

You said itwas utopia,
and you were right.

It's been a lot of work, and I've beefed
a lot but I'll never blow up again.

Come to papa.

There you are, you pleasant
little parchment. That's great!

It's only sensational. Sensational?
It's dynamite!

It's dynamite!
Take it. It's dynamite.

Dynamite? Well, finders keepers!
No, I couldn't stand the noise.

Wait for me. Throw it out the window.
Out the window!

Back away, will you? Don't
crowd, you dog, you. Take five.

You had to bring that dog! This is no
time to go shooting off your mouth.

He's going to do it for us. Oh,
what a fur coat he's going to make.

Locked? Let's spread out
before the joint does.

They must be here. Get out there and
find them. Don't come back without them.

Maybe we can sneak through.
Sneak through?

That's a slaughterhouse.
You wanna hang upside down?

What size hook do you want?

Look!

Dynamite, see?
The real thing, see?

I'll give you three to get
out of here. One, two...

Nice going. Douse it! Get it out!
Get it out! Ooh, got a hot knuckle.

Attaboy. Thought they
could scare me, huh?

You got plenty of heart, buster.
It's just close in here.

What round was it? Let's
find Sal and get out.

In here!
Right rudder.

Don't worry, baby.
We're here now.

Thought we were
a couple schoolboys.

We showed 'em. We're not amateurs.
No, sir!

Get you outta here in no time.

We'll get you outta here.
Don'tworry.

I smell something burning.

The dynamite.
Put that out!

Ooh! It's me!
Here!

Come on.

Out of the way. Move. It's
dynamite going off in there!

Where's that map?
Okay, you win.

Start talking. It's in there in the desk.
Third drawer from the right.

Want us to get it? No more
of your tricks, wise guy.

This time,
we'll get it ourselves.

We'll hear from them later. They'll
be men about town. Let's go.

Well, that's it.

The map, the mine, the three
million dollars. Not quite.

- Mush!
- Come on!

Look!
No hands!

Watch out, no teeth.
Please. My sponsor.

This way, come on!
Wait. That's north.

There isn't any north. I suppose
it went south for the winter.

You're near the North Pole.
What about it?

There's no north, south, east or west.
You're crazy!

East is east and west is west and never the
twain shall meet. And remember, I said it.

There's no direction
at the north pole.

An eight-year-old child
knows that.

Next time come up here with an
eight-year-old child. You'll do.

- Say, are you getting shorter?
- Me? How 'bout you?

Oh, I thought it was
getting a little drafty.

Look out. They're coming behind you.
Come on, jump!

I can't make it.
Look. Here's the map.

I'll hold 'em off
as long as I can.

Take care of Sal. She's yours now.
So long, Sal.

So long, Duke.
Boy, what a pal.

Anything I can do for you?
Any last requests?

When you get home,
look up my mother.

- Anything else?
- Uh, give her my watch.

Anything else?

Tell her to give you a hotfoot.

What happened, Duke? How did you get away?
Well, simple enough.

There were only 15 of them.
I picked them up one by one,

knocked them out and tossed 'em
in the chasm. Oh, naturally.

Well, Sal, how have you
been all these years?

How's he been treating you?
No complaints, Duke.

Chester has been a devoted
husband and a fine father.

Father?
You have children?

One, a boy.
Would you like to see him?

Junior?

Did you call me, Mom?

We adopted him.