Road to Singapore (1940) - full transcript

Hello, Bill. Come on down!

Hurry up. Give me my money.

I got a wife waiting.

Thanks.

Hello, Bill!

Hiya, Babe!

How ya been?

Gee, you sure look pretty.
And smell pretty, too!

Hey, wait a minute.
You sure got that quick enough.

There you are, Josh.
That's married life for you.

Yeah. Isn't that beautiful?



You know, if the world was run right,

only women would get married.

Yeah.

Hey, could they do that?

Get a load of that.

What'd you do? Break your arm?

I haven't heard from you in three months.

I've been very busy.

Oh, you've been very busy. I can imagine.

Dewey, he got bigger.

What do ya think he'd get? Littler?

Hey, Mom, look it!
Here's pop squeezin' a hula dancer.

Give me that.

So, you were busy, huh?



Wait till I get you home.

Come on, push Dewey!

Ow!

Well, Mr. Ace Lannigan,

let that be a lesson to you.

- A lesson to me?
- Yeah.

Say, listen, if they lined up all
those movie queens in Hollywood

and let 'em wave those
long eyelashes at me,

- you know what I'd do?
- Huh?

I'd throw rocks at 'em.

Yes.

Toss 'em right at 'em.

I can brush 'em off like flies.

Oh, yes!

Which of you two is Ace Lannigan?

That's me.

Know a gal named Cherry?

Cherry?

No.

Why, sure you do.
That's the little blonde you told me...

Yeah, sure, I know Cherry.

Brilliant conversationalist.

How's she doin'?

She's gettin' married.

Oh! Well, what do you know.

- Great kid, Cherry!
- Yeah.

So, little Cherry's gettin' married?

Yeah. She wants you to come to the weddin'.

Well, I don't know. If I'm around.
Who's she marrying?

You.

Well, she couldn't have picked a better...
Me?

Can I be an usher?

I... Hey...

Wait! There must be some mistake.

All I did was take her to a movie.

Yeah, and kept her out half the night.

Well,
can I help it if there's double features?

Can he help it if there's...

Come on, you're goin' with us.

Yeah. Well, all right.

All right. I'm going with them.

Oh, you're going with them.

Yeah, I'm going with them.

Oh.

Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man,

bake a cake as fast as you can.

This sort of thing has got to stop.

Spreading the Mallon name
all over the newspapers.

Getting yourself mixed
up in a waterfront brawl.

I've never heard anything
more disgraceful in my life!

Oh, it's not as bad as that.

Now, take it easy, Skipper.

- All right, O'Keefe.
- Yes, sir.

You seem to think the world is just
some sort of a three-ring circus

and all you've got to do is
to run around and have fun.

What's wrong with that?

The world won't let you,
that's what's wrong with that.

Yeah. You mean the Mallons won't let me.

Won't let you what?

What are we keeping you from doing?

Oh, gee, Skipper,

you've been singing this
song at me for years!

I know eventually you're going to trap me,

but you can't blame me for
holding out as long as I can.

Now, look here, Josh.

I'd like to sit on a coral reef

and play a ukulele myself.

But we are Mallons.

It's taken nearly 200 years
to build up this business

and it's my duty and it's
your duty to carry on.

We've got stockholders, customers,
ships all over the world.

Well, then, what's wrong with one of
the Mallons sailing on some of 'em?

You've dodged your
responsibilities long enough.

Starting next Monday you're taking
over the Maintenance Department.

Office hours, 9 to 5.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm not going to wind-up
back of that desk like you,

pushing buttons and growling

and barking at everybody.

That's not for me, Dad.

I want to be one of the boys.
I want to be a regular guy.

- A regular guy.
- Yeah.

The poor house is full of regular guys.

You're going to accept your responsibility,

just like I did from my father,

and just like he did from his father.

Yeah, there's the old Captain.

The fellow that started the whole thing.

He was a man. He only had one ship, too.

And we've got 80.

Well, let's sell 79,

and take the other and sail
around and have some laughs.

Don't be ridiculous!

What about Gloria?

When I was your age,
I was married and had you.

Suppose I'd gone vagabonding
around the world,

where would you be now?

Well, you got me there, Skipper.

Mr. Mallon, Miss Gloria Wycott.

See, I told you it would be all right.

Josh, darling!

Well, hello. How are you?

- You look wonderful!
- I feel good.

- You're as brown as a coconut.
- Yeah?

I saw the headlines in
the paper this morning,

"Waterfront Brawl" and I said,
"Josh is back."

That was just a couple of
guys got out of line...

I suppose you two big business
men have settled everything.

No. As a matter of fact, we...

- What's he going to be? A vice president?
- Who?

Please don't make him a vice president.
Make him work!

Well, we hadn't progressed that far.
As a matter of fact...

Josh, I found the sweetest apartment.

Sixteen stories, overlooking the sea.

That's good. Who for?

For us.

You can watch the ships come and go.

Well, I... I think I'll run along.

- Where are we going, Dad?
- Are you going?

I'll leave him to you, Gloria.

Come on, Josh, sit down in that chair.

- Where?
- Right there.

I want to see how you look in it.

Well, what for?

- Oh, you look wonderful there.
- Yeah?

That's where you belong, Josh.

I don't feel so cozy.

Skipper looks all right back here, but...

- What's this?
- Sketches for our apartment.

- I did them all myself.
- Yeah?

Uh-huh.

- What's that?
- The living room.

- The living room?
- Uh-huh.

Very gay, fuchsia and blue.

- Blue and who?
- Fuchsia and blue.

- Yeah?
- Mmm-hmm.

Now look. That's the dining room.

- The dining room?
- Yeah.

Look at that table.
When it's open it'll seat 40.

Forty what?

Forty people, silly.

I'll have to get on a
scooter to pass you the salt.

Oh, Josh, you're mad.

Look. That's your room.

Looks like a drive-in.

What's that big affair in the middle there?

- That's the bed.
- The bed?

Can you get 40 in there?

Oh, Josh!

I like those shelves, though.
Those will be nice.

I can put my ship models on 'em, huh?

Oh, darling, no, not there!

Oh, I got some wonderful...

I got a little clipper in a
bottle that I got from a fella...

Oh, honey, no. They're not smart anymore.

Oh.

I thought something delicate.

Porcelain. Perhaps, little Chinese men.

Yeah, we could have 'em do the laundry.

Oh, Josh!

Well, you'll like it when it's finished.

I hope so.

It's wonderful having you back.

Been a good boy, Josh?

Well, I... I got E for effort.

E for... Oh!

Thought about you a lot.

Missed you, dreadfully.

Yes.

You certainly got a pretty outfit on.

All for you, Josh.

After dinner we'll drive
out into the country.

The nights have been divine.

The biggest, yellowest moon you ever saw.

Josh!

Mmm. You sailors!

Well...

Hi, Ace!

Hey, hiya, Josh!

Say, what's been doin' on the firing
line for the last couple of days?

You'd better stay right where you are.

The Cherry family's parading up and down

looking for the whites of your eyes.

Well, they won't find
any whites in my eyes.

I've been washing
'em out with Mercurochrome.

I brought you some groceries
and the evening paper.

- Aw, swell. Take the pole.
- Got it.

Say, that's fine.

Hey, what, no caviar?

Oh, no.

Hey, what're you doin'
with that monkey suit on there, boy?

Oh, big doings on the yacht tonight.

- Big doings, huh?
- Mmm-hmm.

What kinda doings?

They're announcing my engagement to Gloria.

Yeah? Well, that's...

- Your engagement?
- Yeah.

Why, you double-crossing,
moonstruck pushover!

Gloria hits you with a little billin'
and cooin',

and bang! You're a dead pigeon, huh?

Listen, I wouldn't talk if I were you

with that Cherry family parading.

Yeah? Well, don't worry about me,

I'm the Rock of Gibraltar.

How'd they hook you, anyway?

Well, they dangled a little
thing called family tradition

in front of me.

Seems the world can't get along
without a long line of Mallons.

Yeah, what happens when you get to 100?
Bingo?

Hey! I got a strike!

I've... I've been waiting two years!

Run the boat! Run the boat!

Pull away, will you, Wallie?

Don't scratch my boat.

Boy, this is where the Home Guard...

Preserve your strength.

Stay with it now.
Okay, give it a little slack.

- A little slack!
- A little slack?

He's got me peeled down to a nub now.

Okay, now. Watch it. Hold him!

I think we got one of the
Cherry brothers on there!

Yeah, well, give him plenty of slack.

Just let it out. Just let it out.

Look at that one.
Boy, he must go 200 pounds!

Two hundred pounds?
He'll go 400 if he goes an ounce.

Boy, he ain't any sardine.

There they are over there.

I'd like to get a picture.

What do you say, Dick?

Mr. Mallon,
I'd like to get a picture of you,

Mr. Wycott and your family.

Will you put your hand

on Mr. Wycott's shoulder.

Surely.

That's fine. And, gentlemen,

try to look a little happy, huh?

You know,
prospective father-in-laws and all that.

Yes. And Miss Wycott...

Will you move closer to your brother,
please?

Gordon, please.

If you'd care to wait a few days,
she has a fiance coming.

Gordon!

That's all right. He'll be here directly.

That's fine. Hold it.

Smile pretty.

That's it. Thank you very much.

- Did you get one, Dick?
- Yeah. Thanks.

- Whoa! He's taking.
- Hold it!

He's more tired than we are.

What do you mean "we"?

- I think I got him now!
- That's it. Okay.

See if I can work him in.

Get that gaff.

We'll have him up here in a minute

if he don't have me down there!

Step into the office! Come in!

I don't know what I'm going to have.

Fileted or broiled?

I'd like him in the boat.

That's not a bad idea.

He's still alive!

He won't give up!

He must be a Republican! Oh!

Oh, there you are.
I've been looking all over for you.

Yes, I've been looking for you.

Confound it, where's that boy of yours?

After all there're guests.

I'm starving and...

Oh, I suppose he's just planning
a little surprise for us.

Okay. Up we go!

Yes, sir, they'll never believe it.

Tie that boat off, will you, jock?

Aye, aye, sir.

Oh, what a battle he put up, huh?

Here we go. Easy now.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay. Hey!

Surprise, huh?

Hiya, gang.

Look what we got. Took us four hours.

Hiya, honey.

Hello, Skipper.

You all know Ace.
I brought him along for laughs.

When do we eat?

Hiya, folks. Hiya, Skipper.

Who is the boyfriend?

Barnacle Bill?

Get a load of that character, will you?
Who's that?

That's one of the zeros
in the Four Hundred.

Miss Wycott,
how about one of you and Mr. Mallon?

- Get me with the fish.
- Oh, no.

No, darling, please! After dinner.

You're terribly late.

Don't you think you'd better go and dress?

It won't take us a minute.

I'll slip you into something flimsy.

- Will they excuse us?
- I think so.

Officer, get that fish off this deck.

Right!

Hey, he's a riot, isn't he?

You know,
he could go on like that all night.

So I see!

- Do you want more?
- Yes!

Gee, that Ace is hot tonight, isn't he?

Josh, is he going to stay
at that piano all evening?

Oh, no, he's got some other stuff

he does away from the piano.

He's just limbering up over there.

Hey, drums.

♪ A crowd has stormed the Music Hall

♪ Won't someone please put in a riot call

♪ Where's Captain Custard?

Custard! Custard!

♪ They're milling left,
they're swarming right

♪ This always happens
when they have Bank Night

♪ Where's Captain Custard?

♪ Here's Captain Custard,
undaunted and unflustered

♪ With his troops officially mustered

♪ No ushers are greater
in any theater in town

♪ Quick, can't you see, sir?

♪ Oh, goodness gracious me, sir

♪ Will you look at Company B, sir

♪ I think they're retreating

♪ This Bank Night is beating them down

♪ He'll halt their advances

♪ With firm and fearless glances

♪ They shall not pass the center aisle

♪ 'Cause he's armed to the
teeth with a winsome smile

♪ Captain Custard,
undaunted and unflustered

♪ And around him women are clustered

♪ He knows all their wishes

♪ They're waiting for dishes

♪ It's not his uniform spic and spruce

♪ 'Cause he looks too
much like a Charlotte-russe

♪ Oh, Captain Cussie

Two, sir or Miss?

Do you think some time I could
hire your friend for a stag party?

Oh, no, you've got to take both of us.

We work together.

♪ Oh, sir! On the QT

♪ I'm Private Tooti-Fruiti

♪ And I'm now reporting for duty

♪ You'll find, while I'm here, sir

♪ No-one is fiercer than me

♪ Attention!

♪ Oh, I'm one of those creatures

♪ Who thrives on double features

♪ My devastating charm will count

♪ I'm in there pitching for Paramount

♪ Pardon my skating,
but I'm so captivating

♪ That the folks won't
notice they're waiting

♪ They'll stand there defeated

♪ And smile though unseated

♪ I've got more medals across my chest

♪ Than in all West
Point or in All Points West

♪ Cute! Tooti-Fruiti!

- Private Tooti-Fruiti?
- Sir.

I award you the medal of the week

for finding that lady's pocketbook

and returning half the money.

Oh, it was nothing at all, Captain.

- Does that go with it?
- Yes, it does.

Oh! Well...

Attention!

Attention!

For bravery.

I'll mail it to you.

Getting a little rough,
aren't they, Gordon?

Oh, there they go!

What do you want?

Same thing as you, but you're the Captain.

You wouldn't know how to handle this.

- What do you mean?
- Give me your medals.

Leave me some ammunition.

This is out of your department.

My, it's chilly outside!

Yes, it is.

- I...
- Oh.

Oh!

Watch!

What is it, Bank Night?

What's that for?

To buy yourself a hand organ.

And a red hat for your monkey.

Me?

Let's show
'em that other little number we do.

Oh, yeah!

Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man.

Bake a cake as fast as you...

He's made us the laughing
stock of the whole country.

I demand a public apology.

You've got to bring him back here.

Back from where? All we know is this!

What's this?

The gentleman on the right

is your prospective son-in-law.

Yes, Mr. Mallon?

I want a listing of every
ship that left Honolulu

- in the past three weeks.
- Yes, sir.

You've got to bring him
back on his hands and knees,

even if you have to break
his neck to do it.

Now, wait a minute.
What're you getting excited for?

I'm the only one who should be excited,
and I'm perfectly calm.

He can't have gone very far,

unless he's fallen overboard,

which is too much to hope for.

He must be somewhere on there!

Well, there she goes.

And here we are.

And as our ship of dreams

sails into the golden sunset...

Leaving the magic isle of Kaigoon.

And the Rover Boys in peace and quiet,

far, far from the workaday world.

That washes up Gloria and Cherry.

Oh, do you realize how close
I came to gettin' hooked?

Say, me, too!
We've got to agree on something right now.

No more women!

No women of any kind, size, shape or color.

Not even midgets!

If either of us looks
at anything in a skirt,

the other can clip his ears off

and stuff 'em down his throat.

I hope you choke.

How you gonna look streamlined?

- Hey, get a load of this.
- Huh?

Marvelous invention.
Should be one in every home.

That's a tropical incinerator.

How about this, huh?

That's soft as goofer feathers.

Who wrote that song, This Is The Life?

This is the joint we've been looking for.

I don't know how you're gonna beat it.

You just lay around,

reach up with one hand and get a coconut,

throw a hook out the
window and you get a fish.

- How much you holdin'?
- We're loaded, $1.28.

- One-two-eight?
- Net.

Well, that should be enough to light a fire

under a couple of short beers.

- Are you ready?
- We're coming!

Coming.

Five!

This one's on you, my friend.

- Cut!
- Wait!

What's cooking?

Bravo!

I think he wants her to give up cigarettes.

Yeah.

Nix! Do you want that dude
to snap out your front rack?

You don't think I'm afraid of him, do you?

I am.

Why, you...

Go ahead.

Come on!

How about getting up there, Junior?

Come on.

Get up!

What's the matter?

It's on side saddle.

Oh, I'll fix that.

How's that?

Better. Thanks.

How about a little breakfast?

Wouldn't hurt.

Hey, why don't you let her get it?

That's not a bad idea.

Come on, get up.

Hey!

She's a sound sleeper, this kid.

She's gone!

- Gone?
- Yeah.

I thought so.

My knife, our money 42 cents, it's gone!

My watch! My grandfather's watch!

We're clean.
She didn't leave us change of a match.

Well, serves us right for
getting mixed up with a dame.

Where'd she go?

I tell you, Caesar, I do not know.

Come on, tell me. Where is she?

Everything I know I have already tell you.

She has gone with the Americans.

Good morning to you.

Where's my knife?

Right here, I tried to sell it,

but the man, he laughed.

Well, where's my watch?

Right here.

That was my grandfather's watch!

Could you eat it?

Well, no, but you can't go
around taking things like that.

Why don't you ask us
when you want something?

Did ya buy this, too?

No. I got this from where I used to live.
This is mine.

Well, then, why didn't you hock that

instead of hocking my grandfather's watch?

Because in Kaigoon you do not need a watch.

- This we may need.
- Aw.

There is a spring in the forest.

Go and get some water.

Go on.

And you can build a fire.

Huh?

You'll find firewood right outside.

Go ahead, hurry up.

♪ When shadows fall

♪ And the night is dark and deep

♪ I've a rendezvous that I must keep

♪ Or my poor heart would not sleep

♪ I have two friends

♪ The strangest company

♪ The gay light-hearted moon

♪ And the willow tree

♪ The sad willow tree

♪ And when we meet

♪ I notice suddenly

♪ The moon begins to smile

♪ But the willow tree

♪ Starts weeping for me

♪ Somehow I know it's about my love

♪ The willow must doubt

♪ My love will ever appear

♪ And yet the moon seems to say

♪ My love will soon be here

♪ Which one is right

♪ They never quite agree

♪ The smiling moon

♪ And the weeping willow tree

Where you going?

Oh, I... I need some air.

The night air's bad for you, Junior.
Back in the net.

Yeah.

♪ The smiling moon

♪ And the weeping willow tree ♪

Mama!

Where is Mima?

She come and get her clothes.

Where she go?

She do not tell me.

If she comes back, find
out where she lives,

and do not say I have been here, eh?

Thank you.

Well, you've certainly had a busy life,
all right.

Yes.

And my father, he had so much life in him.

The way he laughed,

it made people feel good
just to be near him.

What was your mother like?

Oh, she was very beautiful.

She was a dancer.

My father met her in Algiers

and they were married that very day.

I mean, where... When did he...

My father was killed.

My mother did not live so long afterwards.

Oh, that's tough.

How'd you happen to get mixed
up with this Caesar fella?

Well, after my father died,

my mother had a very hard time.

She worked with Caesar.

I think he was in love with her.

Then after she was gone,
I just kept on with him

because I did not know anything else.

It was all right while was young,

but now, the way Caesar acts,

I think it is good that I am away from him.

Do you think she's working on us?

How do you mean workin' on us?

With that cookin' and that routine

about her father and mother? What is that?

Yeah. How about this?

Moving in, takin' charge.

She's getting kinda clubby.

She's really dreaming it up.

What's she want? It's got me worried.

Me, too.

First thing we know she'll
be getting our slippers,

sending out the laundry,
and lighting my pipe.

Yeah.

Break it up.

There, that is better.

See what I mean?

What are you doing?

I must keep the place clean for you two.

Yeah, well, you cleaned me out pretty good.

You cleaned me out of watches.

Well, you will get your watch back

as soon as you go to work.

- Work?
- Work?

Listen, fellas.

I just want you to stand there
and admire me for awhile.

I just got an idea that's
going to make us a fortune.

I don't know how I do it.

- What have you got?
- Soap.

Soap and water, that's what I got.

Some stuff a guy in a
medicine show told me about.

All you have to do

is get me bottles, any kind of bottles.

- Just get me bottles.
- Bottles?

Big bottles, small bottles,
pints, quarts, bottles.

- Help!
- Why, if I get you!

- Help!
- I tell you I'll...

What's the matter?

- What's the matter?
- Yes.

- She's got it.
- I have not!

- Yes!
- What has she got?

You know what she's got.

- What has she got?
- What has she got?

- Yes!
- She's got...

♪ An apple for the teacher

♪ Will always do the stuff ♪

- That's enough, that's enough.
- The suckers are in.

Now, folks,
we'll regale you with a slight song.

Will you vamp me, brother?

One vamp coming up.

♪ Do you remember

♪ Yuba who played on the tuba

♪ And made the rhumba
such a popular beat?

♪ The old peanut
vendor was a solid sender

♪ Not to mention Piccolo Pete

♪ Of course,
you've heard of Sammy from Alabamy

♪ That old accordion man

♪ Well, while we're on the subject

♪ Do you know how the Beguine began?

♪ Music soothes the savage

♪ That's a well-known phrase

♪ But your heart becomes

♪ Full of kettle drums

♪ When the Sweet Potato Piper plays

♪ Go on, throw your hats up

♪ Shout a few hoorays

♪ 'Cause you can't hold back

♪ You're just a jumpin' jack

♪ When the Sweet Potato Piper plays

♪ Though it's not a magic flute

♪ There's a fascinatin' toot

♪ It's not exactly beautiful

♪ It's sort of like, and I don't know,

♪ I guess you'd call it cute

♪ Sunbeams try new dance steps

♪ Songbirds sound their A's

♪ And the world joins
in with a great big grin

♪ When the Sweet Potato Piper plays

♪ Play Piper!

Well, yes! Naturally!

♪ When the Sweet Potato Piper plays

♪ Piper!

Oh, get me out of this.

♪ Sunbeams try new dance steps

♪ Songbirds sound their A's

♪ And the world joins
in with a great big grin

♪ When the Sweet Potato Piper plays ♪

My little associate here

has an item that he
wishes to describe to you.

This contains no grit, grime nor grease.

Made from bark, roots, herbs, berries.

Now, for your kind indulgence,

I want to introduce Spotto,
the Miracle Worker.

Removes spots, stains, creditors,

of all kinds and descriptions,

and will make your
clothes the color of snow.

Pure as the driven snow.

You folks all know what snow is.

No, I guess you don't.

Who'll take the first bottle?

I'm gonna pass it

so you can inspect it.

So, there you are, sir,

This is a very special offer.

The dollar bottle has been
selling for 50 cents...

- It's now available for a quarter.
- Down to a quarter!

- I'll take a dime.
- He's dipped to a dime.

A cigar coupon!

Anybody got an old razor?

- A beat up yam?
- A bus ticket?

- We're going to make a fortune.
- Wait!

Don't sell another bottle.

Back in the trunk.

I have one more offer

- before we close up.
- Yes.

I am going to remove any spot

free of charge.

- A demonstration!
- That's it.

- If somebody will just walk in.
- Yes...

Ah! There's just your man!

- There's your man.
- Yes, sir.

A volunteer.

Gentlemen, please! The suit.

- Oh, now, wait a minute.
- Oh, now, come back.

Where's your broom, my good man?

Tell me, have you any spots?

Only when I open my eyes.

Come, come.

- You must have a spot.
- Yes.

What is this blemish?

That is my mustache.

You ought to cut a firebreak in it.

Absolutely. Is that your mustache?

774Tell me, does your chest ever
get jealous of your upper lip?

Ah, mighty pretty thing, a mighty pretty...

Ah, there's a spot. Right there.

Disgusting, isn't it?

- Well, I go!
- Oh, no!

Not with our spot.

The spot stays, but I go.

Wait a minute. Come right up here.

We're not going to harm you.

Watch us, folks,

an amazing demonstration.

Now, if you'll just cast your...

Ah-ah. Ixnay, Ixnay. You're overdoing it.

Breaking in a new assistant.

Don't worry, there'll be no charge.

Watch closely.

I'll have it going like that.

That's a bad spot. How'd that happen?

- I was...
- Is it ink?

No, you'd have to be
able to write for that.

Is it soup?

No, but you're getting hot.

It bubbles a little, but it'll...
It'll quiet right down.

Ye Gads! It's alive!

Ah, nothing to worry about,

I'll have it out...

Just like that.

Ah, look, folks, look, Spotto!

That's Spotto, the house wife's friend,
the workingman's delight.

Look at that! Just like a platinum blonde

riding a white horse
through a flock of swans.

What am I gonna do with all this lather?

Oh, there's nothing to worry about.

If nobody claims it in 30 days,
brother, it's yours.

Ah, well, yes, that's all right.

You never have to be alarmed about Spotto.

Have you got it there?
We're taking it on the lam!

All right.

I'll just clean off that
little spot right here.

There you are, my friend.

Just like I told you,
no brush, no lather, no spot.

- No coat!
- Yeah.

All right, so I ain't neat.

Fake! Fake! Fake!

Fake!

Fine thing! Why didn't you try
out that stuff before you used it?

I did once before in Brooklyn.

- What happened?
- Same thing.

Oh!

♪ Carry me back to old Virginny

♪ There's where the cotton

♪ And the corn and taters grow... ♪

Stop it! Stop it!

I've got work to do and you're makin'
a nuisance of yourself.

Ah, yes, and I'm doing an
awfully good job of it, too.

I'm going to report you to the police.

Where is Mr. Willow?

To me your whole attitude is abdominal.

I'm sure that's not the word I mean.

Mr. Willow?

It's from the Home Office, direct to me.

It's probably that you are fired.

Well, come on, what does it say?

None of your business.

It's confidential.

That face! Who is that face?

- Mr. Mallon's son.
- He's missing.

Missing? He's here in Kaigoon.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
How could he be in Kaigoon?

How could he be in Kaigoon?

Listen. I'm walking down the street.

This fellow grabs me.
He takes me by the coat.

I struggle, but I cannot get away.

He pulls me! He pulls me!

All right, he's here. Let me go.

He takes me.

Then he throws some stuff on me.

He rubs and rubs and rubs and rubs,

and scrubs and scrubs
and scrubs and scrubs...

And that's how I know he's in Kaigoon!

Ace!

This is for cigarettes!

Like that.

No, Josh, no! Do not nail them up.

Just put them over the pole.

That is what it is for.

You know that is part of the stove, too!

Ow!

Well, that did it! That's the last straw.

Me, too!

"This is for cigarettes, Ace.

"Better wash the dishes, boys.

"Fetch the water! Chop the wood!"

What are we, robots?

Why, this is worse than being
married only we're not married.

We had a wife well,

we'd have a wife instead
of a cauliflower thumb.

Yeah. We'll probably wind
up with housemaid's knees.

That'd be cute.

Yeah, and if you say anything to her,

she looks sad at you with those
big eyes and you're cooked.

Well, she's gotta go.

Yeah.

Well, I'll call her in here

and you tell her.

What's the matter with you? You tell her.

Well,
I'll call her in and we'll both tell her.

All right.

Mima.

Hey, Mima!

Yes, what is it? Ace, please!

Oh, I'm sorry...

Did you want me?

Ace has got something to tell you. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, Mima, we...

We've been talking it over here and...

Well, you know,
we're just a couple of regular guys,

and this prettying up...

The place was good enough for us

the way it used to be. Don't you think so?

- Yeah.
- If you do not like these...

Oh, no. That's...

It's not exactly that...

I don't know.
It just don't seem to work out.

Yeah, that's it.
It's just not working out, and stuff.

You know, a couple of fellows like us,
we like to come and go,

and having a girl around all the time,

why, it's sort of off the elbow or
something. I don't know, it just...

Oh, you mean you want me to leave?

Well, that's the general idea.

Oh!

I see.

Well...

I was cooking these beans a new way.

You must keep adding
water or they will burn.

Hey, I think she's leaving.

Well, that was the idea.
You wanted her to go, didn't you?

Well, you wanted her to go, didn't you?

Well, she's going.

All right, she's going.

Well, there is nothing else to say.

Goodbye.

Well, it's not exactly goodbye.

We'll be seeing you around.

Yeah. We'll see you around.

- This is for cigarettes.
- Yes.

Let's spread out and get back in the mood.

You know, I thought I handled
that pretty well, didn't you?

You did what?

I handled the situation here pretty well.

- This situation?
- Oh, yes. Yes.

What was I doing in there?

You were weakening, I had to back you up.

You were digging your toe in there.

I only gave her the whole idea.

I put her on the bus.

But I was the menace.

I was the heavy in the whole piece.

I had the whip. I gave it to her.

But I accomplished the final brush-off.

- You want the bow?
- Yeah.

- Take a bow.
- Take a bow?

- There's nobody there.
- Ta-da!

That's fine. You did it all.

- I think so.
- I'm snookered again!

- Partially.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you. Good night.

- Leave a call.
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, well, let's get it!

Come on. Come on!

Listen, I'm not going to argue with you.

I told you,
you were coming with me and that's...

Well, what are you standing there for?

Go on, get in the house
and fix those beans!

Didn't you hear what he said?

Hey, you better wipe off
your feet a little.

Who?

- Hey. Hey. Where you goin'?
- Huh?

I got to see a man about a job.

- What job?
- Just a job.

What're you gonna be doing while I'm gone?

Oh, I don't know.

You just stay in the boat, huh?

What for?

'Cause I wanna know where you are.

Oh, don't give me that big baby stare.

Now, I been hearin' things.

Hearin' what?

About what you been doin' behind my back.

Like what?

Like walkin' in the woods with Mima.

- What's wrong?
- Ain't nothin' wrong.

How about those evenings you spent holdin'
her hand.

- What hand?
- Never mind what hand!

You've been holdin' it, haven't you?

Well, supposin' I have? Maybe I gotta.

Oh, you gotta!

Yeah, I gotta.
If I didn't, you'd be doin' it.

And you got no resistance.

I can love 'em and leave 'em,

but the minute they look dreamy at you,
you send for a preacher.

Yeah,
and the minute they look dreamy at you,

their fathers send for the preacher!

Why don't you just lay off protectin' me,
huh?

But that's our agreement.
No women, remember?

Well, skip the agreement.
See if you can arrange to stay in the boat.

What's the matter? Don't you trust me?

No.

Look at these, monsieur.

Are these better than the others?

Ah, oui, much, much.

For any young lady,

these would be very elegant, monsieur.
Fifteen paseks.

Okay, wrap 'em up.

Ah, oui. Merci, monsieur.

Wrap 'em up real nice now with a lot of
ribbon and everything around 'em, huh?

Very nice, monsieur, very nice.

Hey, let's put one of flowers on top.
Let's go first class, huh?

Ah, oui.

Say, what're you doin' in here?

Why, I was just getting
myself a few things.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mmm-hmm.

How long you been wearin' these?

All right, so you caught me.
Now take a walk, will ya?

Where'd you get the dough?

My ring! You hocked my ring!

You never looked good in it.

There you are.

Thank you. I'll take those.

- Wait a minute!
- Whose money paid for 'em?

Here! Here! Oh, come on now, wait a minute!
What is this?

Let me carry it for a while, huh?

It ain't heavy.

Takin' my ring!
That's stealin', that's what it is!

Guys go to jail for that!

If you wanted it, why didn't you ask me?
I'd have given it to you.

Yeah. You'd give me your knife,
too, without askin'.

What are you goin' to say,
when you give it to her?

Oh, I'll think of something.

Wait a minute. I know how you work.

- What are you going to say?
- Don't worry about me.

I'll think of something.

That's what I'm afraid of.
Get up forward there. I'll paddle.

Hey! Hey! Hey, you double-crossing wolf!

How am I gonna get home?

Oh, you'll think of something!

- Oh, Mima!
- Hello, Josh.

I got a present for you.

Oh, but you shouldn't have done that, Josh.

Oh, why not?

Here, let me save the flower.

But we need the money.

Oh, we don't need it that bad.

I just hope you like 'em, that's all.

Nice?

Oh, they're wonderful!

They're wonderful, Josh!

Oh! I've never had a pair or
silk stockings in my life before.

Well, I had to sort of
guess about the size.

You know,
I didn't know exactly what you wore.

Such a pretty color.

Look how soft and smooth.

Oh, guaranteed not to rip,
run or bag at the knees.

You and Ace shouldn't have done this.

Ace! Oh, he had nothing to do with it.

He said we had no business
spending the money.

He's a nice enough guy,
all right, that Ace,

but he's a little on the tight side.

I said, "Why, it's only money.

"And if Mima wants 'em, I'm going to buy
'em for her." So I bought 'em.

The most wonderful present I've ever had.

Where is Ace?

Oh, he'll be along in a minute.

There was a girl he had to see I think.

A girl?

Well, that's Ace.
He's chasing dames all the time.

I did not know Ace was like that.

Oh, yes.

With Ace, it's a new one every minute.

He'll sit on the beach with
'em and hold hands,

and he'll leave 'em flat, just like that!

He will?

Yes! I promise you.
I know this Ace Lannigan.

I know how he works.

And I'm the best friend he's got!

♪ I'm so afraid of night

♪ 'Cause I'm too romantic

♪ Moonlight and stars

♪ Have made such a fool of me

♪ You know you're much too near

♪ And I'm too romantic

♪ Now, wouldn't I look a sight

♪ On a bended knee?

♪ I'm startled

♪ When you whisper

♪ I'll run if you should sigh

♪ I must be so careful

♪ Or I'll kiss my heart goodbye

♪ You shouldn't let me dream

♪ 'Cause I'm too romantic

♪ Don't make me fall unless

♪ It could all come true

♪ How can you say to me

♪ That you're too romantic?

Oh, I mean it. I'm really sincere about it.

♪ Moonlight and stars
have had no effect on you

Oh, yes, they have. I
remember a little girl

once at the Junior Prom, we were...

♪ What if I am too near

♪ And you're too romantic?

Well, that's dangerous, don't you see?

You being near, and me...

♪ I'm half afraid

♪ You wouldn't know what to do

They tell me in that spot,

your first impulse is the best one.

♪ I'll tell you in a whisper

♪ The reason for my sigh

♪ And if you believe me

♪ You can kiss your heart goodbye

That's what I'm afraid of.

♪ I wouldn't harm your dream

♪ 'Cause you're too romantic

Now, you're catching on.

♪ And if you fall

♪ Well, then

♪ It would all come true ♪

Josh!

I don't agree with you at all, Gloria.

You've tried reasoning
with him and got nowhere.

But there are different
degrees of reasoning.

Your idea is to jump up and down

and hit people with a baseball bat.

Do you know of any better
way of handling Josh?

Why do you suppose I came along?

Oh, I'm famished!

I'm so hungry my spare tire's deflated.

Well, pretty near.

Not those poor bones again?

I think perhaps they
will make soup once more.

I think they've earned a rest.

How about some flapjacks, huh?

Where's the flour?

Ace took it.

- Ace took it?
- Mmm-hmm.

Where is he?

He's right outside.

Ace, where's...

What're you doin' with our flour?

Boy, are we going to eat from now on!

What, eat that muck?

No, this is for cockroaches.

That's beautiful! We're starving to
death and you're feeding cockroaches.

No, no.
This is Scrammo, the Miracle Exterminator.

I'm gonna put it up in little jars
and sell it for two bits a throw.

That stuff won't kill cockroaches.

It will if they eat it.

Suppose they get picky and refuse?

Yeah, well,
we'll just stuff it down their throats!

Uh-huh.

Hey, sonny, come here.

I never thought I'd stoop to this.

What've you got there, sonny?

You see what it is.

Yeah, that's fruit, huh?
What're you gonna do with it?

- Take it home.
- Yeah.

Say, I bet a kid like you could have
a lotta fun with a knife like this.

It's practically new.

It's no good.

What do you mean "no good," it's...

Stop it!

Hello, Rugged.

Where did you get all this food?

- At the feast.
- Feast? Where?

Over there. They're giving food away.

Oh, they're giving food away!

Well, come on, let's get Mima.

The feast is only for natives.

Natives?

Go get that Scrammo and bring it in here.

- Scrammo?
- Bring it right in here.

What are you doing? Are you going crazy?

No, we're going native

and you're going along with us. Look out.

What is this?

This might not be any good for cockroaches

but it's going to be good for us.

Uh. Uh.

Oh.

Okey-dokey.

One for Monday?

Hey, Ninkey-Poo over there is
sure giving you the business.

I think she's the local dressmaker.

What'd he do with the match?

He just gave his stomach the hot foot.

So this is where he lives, eh?

Charming view.

I imagine on a clear day one can see
the cannibals eating a missionary.

So this is what he left home for.
Well, where is he?

That I wish I knew.

Look! Look! What have I got here?
It is his cap.

- It is his cap.
- It is his cap.

Why are you saying to me
what I am saying to you?

It is his cap.

Well?

Mr. Mallon, this boy, he see them go away.

Well, go on. Ask him where he went.

What did he say?

They are at the feast.

Oh,
I never should have eaten that last duck.

I do not feel so good myself.

Would you like me to rub your back?

Oh, that's not where they are.

Care for some fruit?

Oh, check, check.

Pile 'em.

How often do they give
these little taffy pulls?

Once a year.

Oh, that's a long time between meals.

Here I go again.

What came in?

Where is Josh going?

Oh, where's he always goin'?

Sees a pair of big,
brown eyes and he starts doin' nip-ups.

Give him a girl,
a moon and some stars and he goes haywire.

In fact, just give him a girl.

I did not know Josh was like that.

Oh, sure he is. I know him.
I know how he works.

And I'm the best friend he's got.

Hey, do they have
jitterbugs down here, too?

Hey, what's cooking here?

That's freewheeling!

Well, pardon me!

- No.
- She wants to play.

- No!
- Well, I have to be courteous.

It is their marriage ceremony.

Each girl chooses a man to dance with her.

If they like each other,
it means they are to be married.

This is how they pick their husbands.

How they pick their husbands?

How do you say "scram" in Kaigoon?

Go away! He's mine!

Spread out.

Whew! That was a close one.

In another minute, she'd have had
a wedding ring through my nose.

Hey, how do you like that?
He's chasing her into the woods!

That is part of the ceremony.

Yeah, and if he catches her,

he gets a set of dishes, huh?

Boy,
what a swell spot to open a hot dog stand!

Say, they're marrying 'em off like flies!

Josh! She's got Josh!

Josh! Gosh!

No! No, wait!

- You can't go in there.
- Why not?

- You must dance!
- Well, let's dance!

How am I doin', Bubbles?

Break it up, will ya?

I'm dancing my way into
food for the winter!

No, she has chosen you as a husband!

Huh?

You're out of circulation!
That's the wedding march.

Well, get me out of this!

Oh, send for the Marines!

- What're you doing?
- I'm a decoy.

Hey, make a break for it!
Here comes Ferdinand!

Oh! Get me outta here!

He's here somewhere.

There he is!

What's that?

That is your son, Mr. Mallon.

Josh! Josh! What the devil are you doing?

Dr. Livingstone, I presume.

Hello, Skipper.

Hello, Gloria.

Hello, Josh.

Have you gone completely mad?

She's marrying me.

And about time!

No, that's not Mima. Mima's over there.

Go ahead, take five. I'll see you later.

It's the most disgraceful
thing you've ever done.

You're coming home with us
and you're coming right now!

- Well, I can't...
- Come on!

Never mind, Josh.

When we get home,
we'll play Indian every Friday night.

Oh, I don't know whether I want to...

And that girl? Who is that girl?

Why, that's Gloria Wycott.
Josh is engaged to her.

She is very beautiful.

It's the craziest thing I ever heard of!

Josh, you...

I don't know where you get it from,
but it's lunacy!

Just plain lunacy!

Do you mean to say you'd rather
stay here and live in that pigsty

than to go home where you belong and
live like a civilized human being?

Now, put down that baseball
bat and let me talk to him.

Josh, you remember me, don't you?
The Wycott girl?

Sure.

Well, now, here's the general idea.

We're going to take a nice
long leisurely cruise home,

give you time to get over
eating with your fingers,

and then every night in the moonlight

I'll whisper sweet nothings into your ear.

Well, you wouldn't want me now

if I didn't want to go back with you,
would you?

After all, there's some things
around here I kind of like.

Yes, I saw one of them.

And I don't blame you.

But, Josh, you've never
seen me in a sarong.

I'm quite a dish.

I'm sure you are, Gloria,
but it just happens that...

I told you! I told you!
You're just wasting your time!

Now, I want no more nonsense out of you.

We're sailing tomorrow morning
and you're going with us!

But why would he want to live
here just like he was a...

A nobody?

Why did he come with you
in the first place?

Oh, I don't know. That's Josh for you.

Do you think he will go back with her?

Yeah, I guess so.
He always said they'd get him in the end.

Maybe it is better that way.

That girl, she is very pretty.

Yeah, Gloria's all right, I guess.

But for my money,
I'll take a little homemaker.

But, Ace, you always said that you...

Yeah, but a fella has to learn, hasn't he?

Take when I came here, with Josh.

Why, we didn't even have a place
to put our cigarette butts.

We used to kick
'em through a hole in the floor.

I want to tell you, Mima,
when a guy does that, he's sunk pretty low.

Has he?

Yeah. And then you came.

And look at the joint now.

Why, it's a home.

You like a home?

Oh, sure, I do.

Nothing but roamin' round,
eatin' in hash joints,

half the times with no toes in my socks.

Well, I tell you,
I wouldn't ask a dog to do that.

Well, I said it.

You said what?

Oh, for Pete's sake, Mima,
I'm askin' you to marry me.

Ace, you are very sweet.

Am I? Sure enough?

Hiya, fellas.

Josh!

Hey, what are you doin' back here?

Oh, well, I abdicated.

From now on,
I'm goin' to be nothin' but a nothin',

just like you two.

You are not going back?

No. They're sailing tomorrow,
but I'm gonna stick around.

I got to protect my interest.

Hey, wait a minute. I get a little
stock in this corporation, too.

Well, what is this?

You don't seem to be very
happy that I'm staying.

Well, you got a girl.
Why don't you go on home with her?

- You can't have everybody.
- Why not?

Because I got some ideas myself,
that's why not.

Just when I start doing all right,
you come hopping back.

Well, you dopey looking cluck!

You're kidding. You in love?

What's the matter with that?

Dopier-lookin'
clucks than me have been in love.

Well, name one.

What's the difference between me and you?

I'm human, ain't I?

There's been some complaints.

I don't go around singin'
and spoutin' a lot of hooey,

but that don't mean I don't love her.

I love her more than you do.
What do you think of that?

There, I said it.

Yeah, you said it, all right.

You're just giving her
the same line of chatter

you give every gal before you run out on
'em.

How do you like that?

I suppose you didn't run out on Gloria!

Let me tell you something!

I'm in love with her.
What do you know about that?

I want to marry her.

So do I. Why do you
suppose I'm staying here,

sending them on home without me?

Josh! Ace! Please!

Well, let's settle this right now.

She picks one of us and
the other one's out.

Well, you can't put her
in a spot like this.

Suppose she don't want either one of us?

What's the matter, you scared?

Well, all right, you asked for it.

Well, there you are, Mima. Which one?

I'm sorry, Josh.

Hey, I'm doin'
all right for a dopey-lookin' cluck.

I hope you know just how
good you are doin'.

Well, Mima,

he'll cause you a lot of trouble
and he'll never make a quarter,

but he'll hand you a million laughs.

Captain.

Captain!

I would like to know something.

I would like to know if
to stay in this country

a man must have a passport.

You have not got one?

Oh, yes, I've got one.

But I know of one fellow who has not.

Who is he?

He's an American sailor. He lives...

Hello!

Hello!

Anybody home?

Are you Lannigan?

You haven't got a daughter that's gettin'
married, have you?

No. Why?

Then I'm Lannigan. What do you want?

Your passport. Let me see it.

- My what?
- Your passport.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I had it right here.

Yeah. I...

Oh, Mima.

Did you send my other
suit out to the cleaners?

Oh, yes. It had spots all over it,

and I did not think of
looking through the pockets.

Yeah. She sent it out to the cleaners.

If you'll come back tomorrow...

Well, well! That is too bad!

- No, you don't!
- Wait a minute!

Boy, what I'd give for a patty-cake.

Come on! Get going!

What are you going to do with him?

We are going to deport him!

♪ You know you're much too near

♪ And I'm too romantic

♪ Wouldn't I be a sight

♪ On a bended knee?

♪ I'm startled when you whisper

♪ I'll run if you should sigh

♪ I must be so careful

♪ Or I'll kiss my heart goodbye

♪ You shouldn't let me dream

♪ 'Cause I'm too romantic

♪ Don't make me fall

♪ Unless it could all come true ♪

Oh!

Are you about ready for some bridge?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Oh, darling,
you've kept us waiting for hours.

I'm sorry. Let's go down, huh?

Look at that gorgeous moon.

It certainly is lovely, isn't it?

Take your prisoner to the boat.

What kind of a racket is this?
Listen, you fellows.

You're going to get into trouble for this!
I know some big people!

Tell them hello for me.

Tell them hello for you! I ought to...

Ace!

Ace, where are you?

- Ace!
- What do you want?

What have they done with him?

He is already gone.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, Lannigan.
What is the matter with you?

Lannigan? Lannigan, come.

No! No!

- Come on!
- Help! Police!

- Help!
- Shut up!

Come on, hurry along.
We're ready to sail. Come on, men.

Here is his papers.

Oh, that's fine.

No, no! He! He!

Not me! He, he!

What's the matter with him?

- He's nuts.
- Huh?

Oh, as you say in your language, he's nuts.

No! No! He is...

Come on, men, get him out of here.

Come on. Come on, get him out.

You can't get away with this, Lannigan!

Take him away!

You can't get away with this!

Ace! Ace!

Wait a minute!

There! There!

It is his sweetheart. She will tell you!

They are taking him away.

Oh, Ace! Ace!

Ace, darling!

Oh, officer,
you cannot take him, you cannot!

No!

I love him. He has not done anything.

No! No!

Madam, my heart, she bleeds,
but what can I do?

- It's not true!
- Come, woman.

She love me? It's him!

Come on, get him aboard. Get him aboard!

No! No!

You're all right. You think fast.

We must leave here fast.

Yeah, we're hot.

Go ahead.

There's another boat sailing tonight,
Star of Asia.

First mate's a friend of mine.

I used to borrow money from him.

And when we land someplace, I'll get a job.

Steady, I mean.
Oh, gee, that's a laugh, me working.

And one of these days
I'll get you all dolled up

and we'll walk in on Josh and Gloria,
and will they keel over.

Boy!

We'll get married right away, huh?

Yes, Ace, right away.

Gee, I sure spin around inside
every time I look at you.

Guess that must be love, huh?

Everything looks so good,
feels so good, the air and everything.

That the way you feel?

Yes, that is the way I feel.

We'll get along fine.

We will be very happy.

Why did you do it, Mima?

Do what?

Oh, what's the use of kiddin' ourselves?

It's just not there. I'd know if it was.

Do not talk that way, Ace.

We will get married and...

Oh, no, we won't.

It's Josh you want, isn't it?

No. Josh is where he should be.

Oh, so that's it.

You went noble, huh?

No.

No, it is just that

I saw that girl and his father,

and I knew that he was not for me.

Forgive me, Ace. Please forgive me.

Josh!

Sir Malcolm's a very important man.

They don't hold these boats for everyone.

I want you to be particularly nice to him.

Sir Malcolm's in a position to swing me

a couple of million
dollars worth of business.

I've never heard of such a thing,
never, in all my life!

Why, Sir Malcolm! What happened?

Some blithering idiot back there, on shore,

pulled me out of the crowd and
nearly ripped the coat off my back!

Oh!

Chucked a lot of muck all over me!

Sir Malcolm!

- Spotto!
- That's it! Spotto!

Slobbered it all over me.

Where? Where was this?

How the blazes do I know!
Down the blasted street!

Josh! Here, wait! Where you going?

Josh! Come back here! Come back here!

That little scene, my friends,
is called "Spurned at the Altar"

or "The Sailor's Farewell."

Say, have you seen a fellow with
a sweet potato selling soap?

No, sir. Do you want to buy some...

No. No, I don't.

Oh, Ace!

Ace!

Oh, Ace!

I want you to step right up
and take a bottle of this home.

The usual dollar bottle sells for 50 cents.

I'm not going to ask a quarter.

I'm not even gonna ask a dime.

If anybody's got a hot nickel,

step up and get this bottle of Spotto.

One hot nickel.

Come on. Who wants a bottle?

I'll take a dozen bottles.

There's a man will take a...

Josh!

Gosh, Josh!

- Well, Ace!
- How are you, Josh?

I've been trying to send
you a wedding present.

- But we're not...
- Wedding!

Why, we didn't get married.

- You didn't get...
- No.

You're the dopey-looking cluck she wants.

- Me?
- Yeah, you!

- Step in.
- Oh, Mima.

- Oh, Josh!
- Say, look, folks.

You know what brought this happy
couple back together again?

It's Spotto, the Magic Love Potion.

Only $1 a bottle.

Come in, get happy.
Reunites lovers. Cupid in a bottle!

- And he ruined my suit.
- He did?

- Yes.
- Come on!

I pay him for it, and you see what it did!

Come on! You go with us!

Here we go again! Josh! Beef!

What's the matter?

You ruined his suit! Now, you go with us!

Yeah, I know! Wait, wait, wait.

Here. Take it easy.

Josh, I'm going with them.

Oh! You're going with them!

Yes, I'm going with them.

Will you be gone long?

I'll check back from time to time.

I'll take over while you're gone.

- Yes, do.
- But don't forget.

Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man.

Bake a cake as fast as you...