Road Trip: Beer Pong (2009) - full transcript
Three college roommates join a bus full of gorgeous models and travel the country to compete in a National Beer Pong Championship. With a busload of attractive women who knows how much fun they could have?
♪ Well, I don't like
doing things ♪
♪ That other folks
tell me to do ♪
♪ So I hit him with a hammer ♪
♪ And now he's quite subdued ♪
Whoa!
Hey, Lemar, what's up?
You owe me 10 bucks!
Sorry, guys.
Sorry about that.
So then you're gonna walk
through it going... Whoa!
Good morning, Ithaca!
Hey, Lisa, you were
supposed to call me!
Call me tonight, all right?
Oh, God!
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
You cut off his leg!
Somebody get some help! I need
a tourniquet and some ice.
Okay, don't panic. Don't panic.
Everything's gonna be okay.
I'm a trained
first responder, okay?
Can you hear me?
I am so fired.
Is he laughing?
Y'all got punk'd!
What?
Son of a bitch.
Works every time, yo.
Thanks, man.
Welcome to the University of Ithaca.
I'm Kyle, your PUSE.
Come on, pervs.
PUSE. It stands for Prospective
Undergraduate Student Envoy.
Come on, people. Lighten up,
it was a joke. He's fine.
Take it easy, man.
You owe me a beer.
See? We're all about
special needs here.
As a matter of fact,
our motto is,
"If you're special,
we needs you."
So, besides being a PUSE,
what do you do at Ithaca, Kyle?
Well, I've been
an RA for four years.
I'm currently
getting my PhD.,
and I'm the alumni
advisor for my frat.
Wow.
Yeah. What percentage
of Ithaca students
end up going to
Ivy League grad schools?
That's a good question,
and I'm not really sure.
Okay, well, am I going to be
limited in the number of hours
that I can take
in a semester, or...
I don't know, but if
not, you sure should be.
Can I be both a double
major and a double minor?
Hmm.
I really don't know
about that, either.
So, what do you know,
Mr. PUSE?
That Ithaca is the proud holder
of a national
athletic championship.
Yeah, no way.
No, this is
an academic institution.
I mean,
your mascot's a librarian.
Lydia, stop.
What?
He's a moron.
I'm sorry. She's under a
lot of stress right now.
It's okay.
Mom, you're doing it again.
What? Doing what?
You know what I'm talking about.
Ryan told me what you did
during his campus visit.
I have no idea what
she's talking about.
Oh, my God.
You get back here
right now, Missy!
Oh, or what?
No, it's cool, she can leave.
Of course, you're
gonna be missing out
on a really great story.
Love.
Sex.
Oh, God.
The relentless pursuit
of academic excellence.
Fine.
Okay, so,
there's this guy named Andy
who lives on my floor, right?
And he's been dating this girl
named Katy for, like, ever.
They began as high
school lab partners
in Mr. Blankenbaker's
biology class.
Andy helped Katy
win the science fair,
and Katy became Andy's band
manager and biggest fan.
They were in love,
whatever that is,
and they promised
that graduation
would only make them stronger.
Though their bodies
were separated,
their hearts
stayed together tight,
till the start of
their junior year.
♪ After five years of love ♪
♪ This song's just not enough ♪
♪ So I decided I won't be denied
and I'll sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff ♪
Dude! What the fuck?
Korky, a little help.
My toe's cramping up.
I don't care if you're
having fucking seizures.
That is horrible.
Korky.
Oh, did you ever hear of manscaping?
I need help.
Don't touch me.
I'll be outside.
Do you actually have testicles?
Didn't you just see them?
I'm serious, man. My
cousin, his never dropped.
He literally has no balls.
So when he tells me
that he can't
break up with his
girlfriend, I get that.
No, it's not that I can't, Korkin.
I don't want to.
I mean, Katy's beautiful.
She's smart. She's...
Got your balls locked in her
Hello Kitty hope chest?
Whoa!
Wait, wait, wait.
What is that shit?
This, my friend,
is known as an ILMAG.
A what?
An Improvised Last-Minute
Anniversary Gift.
Every year I have a reminder
set on my computer,
but this year, mysteriously,
it didn't go off.
You're welcome.
Dude! Uncool.
Sabotage was my last resort.
You're 21 and you act 40.
You never go out.
You never party.
I play beer pong every weekend.
And you go right home
after every tournament.
Know why?
Why?
Because you fear temptation.
And who fears temptation
but a man with doubts?
Work it, Chloe.
Bite it, Korkin.
Okay, okay, so
sometimes I'm tempted.
But overall,
I'm a very happy man, okay?
Let me make you happier.
Designate Katy as your back-home girl.
Your hometown honey.
She's there for weekends,
vacations, long dry spells.
Let her think
whatever she wants,
but here, you do
whatever you want.
It's a win-win.
Okay, unlike you, I don't cheat.
What does that even mean?
It means I don't cheat.
In that bucket is
concentrated urine and feces.
Any Hagan Hall man known to have
a steady girlfriend gets treed.
Ass Turd will be there till
she comes to rescue him.
Guess I better not mention
K-A-T-Y to these guys.
Korkin, no.
You don't want to know what
else they put in that bucket.
You know, maybe you could
have mentioned that
before I swapped dorms.
Please don't swap dorms.
Katy?
It took me forever
to find this one.
What are you doing here?
Your big tournament's tonight,
so I wanted to say happy anniversary
and cheer you on in person.
That is so cool.
I'm not done.
Guess what else?
What could be better?
I transferred here, to Ithaca!
Wow!
Wow!
Better update those
hepatitis shots, bro.
There's a storm brewing, boys.
Wind, four knots.
Barometric pressure,
falling.
Perfect conditions
for Hurricane Jake.
♪ Well, I was walking
back home real late ♪
♪ Looked at the stars
up in the sky ♪
♪ Thought of the wishes
I had made ♪
♪ Then started thinkin' about
all the time we had left ♪
♪ Was counting all my mistakes
and counting all my regrets ♪
Oh!
Ponage!
Only his third try, Raz-R.
See you at Nationals.
Eat pussy.
You suck.
As soon as I capture this tape,
I can upload it to YouTube.
What about
your full ride at CMU?
I mean, it's like the
Harvard of horticulture.
Yeah, it's amazing,
but so are you.
I mean, we only have one chance
to be in college together.
I don't want to waste it.
Didn't you feel like
we were slipping away
with all the e-mails
and Skype sex?
I don't know. Maybe.
I freaked you out, didn't I?
No!
I mean, no, I...
It's gonna be great.
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
Okay.
♪ ...to sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff ♪
There's a storm brewing, boys.
Wind, four knots.
Barometric pressure, falling.
Perfect conditions
for Hurricane Jake.
Uh-oh.
Somebody looks freaked out.
I'm not freaked out.
Well, you should be.
She's gonna suck you into
some off-campus apartment
with curtains and coasters
and a chaise lounger with
those giant fucking pillows.
Kick her ass to the curb
before you get doused with
concentrated urine and feces.
No woman is worth that.
But right now, both you
douche bags need to focus.
We go to war in one hour.
Awesome.
New uniforms.
Are you ready to
protect this house?
Sexy.
Go away.
Unless you have breasts.
Hey, guys. What's up?
Kyle! The man!
Dude, you're back!
Yeah, I went to Prague
in May on a convention
that ended up on a
three-month pub crawl
where I got laid a lot.
Very nice.
By different girls.
Wow.
That's real diversity, Kyle.
Wait, is the tournament tonight?
The finals. You coming?
No, I can't.
I've got a frat meeting.
We're practicing
for our new step show.
What?
Nice!
Yeah, well,
it's better with, like, more black
guys, but there's a little taste.
Well, I'm bummed
I'm gonna miss tonight.
Well, give them
hell for Hagan Hall.
You, too, Kyle.
Give them hell, bro.
Glad you're back, man.
Take it easy, guys.
Peace.
Peace.
Shit. It's ready.
Shit. Raz-R beat us to it.
What?
That's the third trick shot
he's uploaded this week.
What up, Jake the Fake?
Just wanted to say
good luck tonight,
so I can kick your
bony ass in Atlanta.
That's right, baby.
Do not let him into your head.
He's already there.
God.
See, there was a time eons ago
when beer pong was simply
a fringe novelty game
played by Cro-Magnons in
cave-like garages using paddles.
But the sport, thank you
very much, has now evolved
into a grueling mano
a mano death match
designed to push mind, body and
liver to their furthest limits.
Thus the high-tech
athletic gear.
Exactly, me lady. Our
bodies are our weapons.
Jake is one of the best
trick-shotters in the country.
This right here is
like our Olympic trials.
Hello!
Well, Godspeed, good sirs,
and may you vanquish
your many enemies.
God, that's so lame.
Korkin.
Zoink!
Right, here you go.
Thank you.
There's something I forgot to
tell you about this place.
What? When somebody puts
money in the jar...
It's titty time!
Ooh!
...they flash you.
Welcome to the show, honey.
No, I'm not done yet.
Welcome to
the University of Ithaca's
Beer Pong Finals,
where tonight one of these eight
teams will win full sponsorship
from TaTa's Pub to compete for
the National
Collegiate Championship!
This is it!
Let's pong it out, bitches!
It's titty time!
We go eye to eye for possession.
Okay.
Splash!
We get the balls back
for two-hit shots,
but we get to keep shooting
until one of us misses.
I'm so glad I'm here.
I'm not glad you're here.
Hey, buddy, listen.
You shoot. I'll talk.
Katy, hi.
Girlfriends and beer pong
don't mix.
Unless, of course,
you can do that.
Nope. Can't do that.
All right, Ithaca's boys
are going to Atlanta next week.
Bounce shots can be blocked,
and guys can finger the rim
when it's a spinner,
but not girls.
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Andy! Andy!
Yeah!
Girls can blow the hole
and it scores as our miss.
Damn it.
Son of a...
Oh!
Kiki, a drink for our opponents.
Oh...
I remember.
Now, go do your thing.
She's just a distraction.
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Hey, Lester.
Now check this out.
Andy, you the man!
That's our secret phrase.
Hit a cup in our opponent's
hand, and it's...
Booya!
Death cup.
Game over, asshole.
Yes!
Yes, man! Yes!
All right, all right, all right!
Who's going to the A-town next week?
Lock and load.
It's titty time!
All right, Ithacans!
This is it, the finals!
We trick-shot for possession.
Come on, Jake.
Did you see that?
Did you see that?
Possession, Hagan Hall!
Hagan! Hagan! Hagan!
Hagan Hall.
So do I get to wear
your beer pong
Letterman jacket, you jock stud?
Actually,
it wasn't my best night.
Maybe I can change that.
It's time to celebrate
our anniversary.
How?
See you in an hour.
Ooh.
What's up, guys?
Dude, this is what awaits us
at the end of the
rainbow, my friend,
if you get your
fucking head straight.
No way.
What?
I knew her before I met Katy.
Her name's Jenna.
She's French.
Bullshit.
So, before Katy, there was Jenna.
She was a total babe.
Sexy. Exotic.
A real woman among boys,
not unlike the lovely
lady by my side.
Did I trip you?
I'm sorry.
Such soft, gentle hands.
So, what's your degree in?
Interpretive Urban Dance.
It is so hot.
Yeah, so, I'm sorry,
you were saying,
about the young,
hot, exotic Jenna?
Yeah. Way back before
there was ever a Katy,
Jenna was Andy's first
crush, his first kiss,
and would have even been
his first boink,
if not for the vicious,
man-eating corn snake
who called their love nest home.
Jenna's foot recovered nicely
with donated replacement
tendons from a cadaver.
But once she was loaded
into the ambulance,
Andy never heard from her again.
Bullshit.
No, I'm serious.
We met at summer camp
when I was 16.
She gave me this bracelet.
Bullshit.
To prove the lovely Jenna
was once his willing near-boink,
Andy logged on
to the Pong America web site
in an effort to find her.
Booya!
And Jenna nearly wet
her dainty little panties
when Andy pinged her,
which gave him
a virtual hard-on.
She gave me her digits.
Call her.
I'm going to.
Okay.
Of course I remember Mon Andrew!
Of course she remembers
Mon Andrew.
I have wondered
about you many times.
She's wondered
about me many times.
Wondered if you're straight?
We actually won
our beer pong tournament.
I'm coming to Atlanta next week!
No! First you must
come meet me on the tour!
You can hang out with me and
the other girls on the bus!
Do you wanna go? No?
Yes. Yes.
Okay. Where are you?
Tomorrow we are in Illinois.
I'll meet you in Illinois.
Where the hell is Illinois?
He's coming to see me.
Wait. I can't leave.
What? What?
I can't go anywhere.
Katy just transferred here.
Give me her.
Dude, this chick is
a world-class hottie,
and some snake stole your
chance to consummate?
You have to go to her.
Now. It's a rite of passage,
a vision quest.
Vision.
I can't.
Okay. Tell me this.
Is Katy just your first, your first
of many, or your first and last?
How should I know?
Then let's go find this goddess,
and then if you realize
you still want Katy,
you'll never have to worry
about having doubts again.
You'll know she's the one.
That was the best week
of my life.
Until now.
Road trip!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
The bar gave us tickets
to Atlanta.
Who's paying for us
to get to Illinois?
We need some chump
to sponsor us.
I know a guy.
His name is Arash. His
dad's the dictator of Tandoor.
Where the hell is Tandoor?
Next to Illinois.
No, it's an island off
the coast of Indonesia.
He's loaded.
I took Intro to Modern
Drug Cultures with him.
Awesome class.
Changed my life.
Yes?
Hey, man.
It's Jake.
I brought some weed.
I'm winning this.
This is the game...
This is the game of real life.
This is not a fantasy. Welcome
to real life. I hope you like...
I bet you guys
kick ass at paintball.
I have the weed.
I don't know...
You're dying.
You're not living anymore.
This is the real life. Do not
fuck with me, Lawdawg54!
I am now owning your ass!
I am the property master
and you are my servant!
Yes. In your face! That hurts bad.
Go to sleep!
I admired your essay on the
socio-political relevance
of Up in Smoke very much, Jake.
Thanks, man.
So, tell me,
why are you really here?
My friend and I are
beer pong players,
and we come requesting
sponsorship for our team.
Beer pong?
Let me demonstrate.
I have seen this.
You Americans
can turn even drinking
into a contest.
Indeed. But if we win, your
investment will be doubled,
and you will bring glory to your
father, your country and to Ithaca.
I will travel with you?
Probably better
if we go it alone.
Keep costs down.
Stay low profile.
I have no need for money,
I hate my father,
my country is a shit bucket,
and Ithaca was my fallback.
Evidently, Harvard does not
accept the sons of despots.
Who knew?
Leave me now.
I will keep your hashish
in return for my time.
Wait! You can come,
and I'll put us on a busload
of gorgeous models.
Look, this girl in the middle,
that's the girl
I'm going to see.
Is she a virgin?
She's all natural, man.
Except for some tendons
in her foot.
And her private regions?
Jungle bush?
Okay. If you are lying,
you will all be kidnapped
and sent to my father's mines,
where you will work
in complete darkness
until you die of the black lung,
filthy, emaciated and cold.
Works for me.
No problem. Yes.
Then we have a deal.
Yes.
Yes.
Here we go. Okay. Very good.
Thank you.
Phone the hanger.
Have them prepare
Tandoor 2 for a dawn departure.
And make me some soup.
What is Tandoor 2?
It's the royal jet.
Fuck yeah, it is!
Welcome to the team!
Fuck yeah, it is!
Hey, what's this?
Not good.
Shit.
Adji!
This is the CIA. You're
surrounded, and we're coming in.
It's him.
He's the terrorist!
Andy, where are you?
It's been, like, three hours.
Please call me back.
Your turn, Jenna. And no dares for you.
I want the truth.
Was this Andy guy your first?
I'm working.
Yeah, we wanna
hear the truth, sister.
Come on, Jenna.
Fine, the answer is no,
but almost.
Within one week we were in love.
So, you guys gonna
hook up or what?
I don't hook up.
I'm a lady.
Who sells beer with her breasts.
Right.
And then, overwhelmed by
the inter-gravitational pull
of their mutual hotness,
the beer pong girls engaged
in a naked pillow fight.
What a bunch of male
wish-fulfillment bullshit.
I've never been in a naked
pillow fight before.
I have.
Right.
So anyway,
our heroes were transported
to a secret CIA
interrogation center,
where they were interrogated...
No. No.
That looks like Korkin's mom.
...tortured...
This is a bad trip.
I'm tripping out, man!
Hey, man.
...and humiliated.
You don't need to do it.
Open wide for mommy! Oh!
What the fuck is that?
No, no, no, no, no.
Back up. Back up.
Turns out papa tyrant
was overthrown in a coup.
All of his assets
were seized and given
to the poor,
hungry people of Tandoor.
Greedy bastards.
I thought my dad was bad,
but apparently some despotic
parents can never be pleased.
Okay, it's safe.
My dick hole is the size of a
garden hose, you son of a bitch!
Whoa! Whoa!
So sorry.
Okay, okay, all right. Allow
me to apologize to you all.
I had no idea my father
would be overthrown
by a group of 12 unarmed
peasants and a wizard.
I am now destitute,
penniless, homeless.
Welcome to America.
Whoa, whoa, Korkin,
it's not his fault.
We're lucky they let us go.
Let's just find
out where we are.
"Bethesda"?
That's bullshit, man.
Maryland?
It's like, there should be a
fucking law that the fucking CIA
has to fucking drop you off
where they fucking got you!
So write your
fucking congressman!
You know what?
Eat my ass, Korkin,
'cause I had to swallow
a whole pound of weed,
and then they made me
listen to techno all night.
You know what that's like?
Guys!
Okay, you know what?
Shut up and let's focus
on getting out of here.
Oh, shit.
Hello?
Andy, where are you?
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine.
You won't believe what happened.
Thank you.
Jake, follow me.
Ass-rash, thanks for nothing,
and I'll see you never.
No, no, no, no, wait, wait,
you can't leave me here.
His dad is the dictator
of Tandoor, right?
The dictator of Tandoor?
If I am found by rebel agents,
I will be brutally
tortured and fed to goats.
That's not my problem, shithead.
We need a sponsor, not
some assassination target.
For the first time in my life,
I have no guards, no father.
I am finally free.
All right, I have an idea.
Please don't
leave me here, Korkin.
Play along, or you're goat food.
Take that.
Okay.
Follow me.
He was going to fly us
to Atlanta on Tandoor 2,
his own private jet.
You want me to believe that you
stood me up on our anniversary
so you could ride
on some dictator's airplane?
My phone's dying,
Ass-rash, so hurry up.
Take some bags, head to
the van in the front.
Do you see keys?
Yes.
Okay,
put the luggage in the back.
Wait! Turn right. The
cabbies are staring at you.
Flip them off.
No, flip them off!
Flip them off!
No, not me, moron. Them.
Do it!
My uncle was a cabbie!
Fuck off!
Fuck off!
They had helicopters and
they had laser-sight guns,
and then we were thrown
into this helicopter...
Hit it!
Hit what?
Go!
What, drive?
Awesome!
You can't drive?
I was never allowed to,
but I am most excellent
at Super Mario Kart.
Korkin had, like,
this penile pap smear,
Jake was tortured by bad music.
And let me guess,
you were waterboarded?
No, that was Arash.
Need a ride?
Get in!
No! No, no, no, you didn't.
Come on!
Okie dokie.
Come on.
Like that.
It was totally crazy.
Okay.
So, how does this
ridiculous farce
contribute to my
decision to come here?
Because it speaks to the
spirit of our students.
I became the man I am today
because of a road trip.
I love a good ride.
Mom.
I still like to roll
every once in a while.
Mom!
Okay. TMI.
Come in.
Katy Hartman?
Yeah.
Andy's Katy?
Yeah.
Cool. I'm Kyle, your RA.
You know, Andy and I are
pretty good friends.
We even compared penises
in the shower once,
and he totally regretted it.
So this is Amy.
Amy had a little
altercation with
her former Sigma Gamma roommate
and had to be relocated.
I think you guys are
gonna be a good match.
Hey! How's my
favorite glamorous supermodel?
Very glamorous, Mon amour.
Runway. Bright lights.
Wait, I send you a photo.
Mandee?
Okay.
Smile!
That looks like a fun job.
Good resume builder.
Okay. So wait.
So you transferred
from your dream school,
the Columbia of cultivation,
to be here for some guy?
I missed him,
and I wanted to be with him.
And now there's a nail
in that man's head
because he bounced
the same day you showed up?
We'll get through it, and I'll
just stay busy until he gets back.
What? Baking cookies?
Doing his ironing?
Excuse me?
I'm just saying.
Look here, Amy,
I don't care how many sorority
girls you've punched.
Just because I don't have purple
eye shadow and spiky hair
doesn't mean I'm not a strong,
independent woman, okay?
I just panicked, all right?
And now I'm here and he's there,
and, frankly,
I'm a little freaked out.
Okay.
Look, I'm having a party
tonight, all right?
Just some ladies hanging
out, having a good time.
I think you should come.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Do you remember the song
you wrote for me?
♪ When the bitches attack ♪
♪ Don't you cry, don't you cry ♪
♪ Because, baby,
Big A's got your back ♪
♪ Big A's got your back ♪
God.
Wow, I kind of forgot that one.
But you still have
a record deal, no?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
I just recorded a new
song yesterday, actually.
In my studio.
What?
Yeah, sure he did.
We have a stage on the tour.
You can play a concert
when you arrive.
Actually,
we got a little sidetracked,
so we won't be
able to make it today,
but I'll meet you at your next
stop in Nashville for sure.
I must now enter the glamorous
beer pong dunking booth.
Whoa!
Au revoir, my wittle French fry.
I'm gonna fucking puke.
I, too, am in need
of a restroom.
Again?
What are you, a chick?
Nudie bar!
Pull in there.
You can potty while we party.
My people are known
to have diminutive bladders.
To go with your
diminutive wittle weewees?
Is that your
record studio, Big A?
Gotta go. Gotta go.
Gotta go.
Hey.
Oh, Andy!
Boys, give it up for Bambi!
Bambi enjoys
early bird specials,
cuddling up with
a nice box of wine,
and watching reruns of Matlock!
Shit. Left my wallet
in the car.
Yeah, me, too.
Welcome to
the Kit 'N Cougar, fellas.
Actually, we just came so my
friend could take a piss.
So you wanna use my plumbing,
but you can't patronize
my business?
No, of course not. Don't be rude, Jake.
Let's party.
After last night and then this
morning I was totally freaking out,
but my new roommate is so sweet.
She invited me to
her party tonight,
and I decided to go with her.
Good for you.
That's great.
Don't fight it, boys. You'll
never get her out of your mind.
You think our cougar's hot,
you gotta see our kittens.
The kitten?
Show me a little pussy.
Watch your language, boy.
This is a classy establishment.
Yes, sir.
No problem, sir.
Arash, get the fuck over here.
I mean, I can't believe it!
This campus is really gorgeous.
And I found this
cute little coffee shop
where we can study by the fire
together when it's snowing.
Dude, if one of the Golden Girls
tries to give me a lap dance,
I swear to God, I am gonna puke.
Hi, guys.
You like the twins?
They're sisters?
Fraternal.
I'm their ma,
and Bambi dancing out
there, well, she's my ma.
And Lester, that teddy bear
that brought you all in,
well, he's my hubby.
It's a family business.
Then momma, come to daddy.
Mangoes.
There are these adorable
little apartments off campus.
We can totally move in
together next year.
I like you.
I have to go.
Watch the hands, Mowgli.
Okay.
There's even a spare room for my
mom, when she comes to visit.
She'll totally cook and clean.
You know her!
I'll make us some curtains, and
we can buy our own furniture.
I've always wanted one
of those chaise loungers
with the big, fluffy pillows.
Katy? Katy? This is
going to be so great for us.
I thought you were mad at me.
Well, I was, until I read
about the coup in Tandoor.
How's Arash?
Poor little guy.
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting!
Carrie, I told you
that could happen.
Now be professional, SUG.
Mom, he peed on me.
Lester, code red! Golden
shower in the champagne room!
You have a napkin?
He's fine.
We found a ride and we're
headed to the tournament.
That's awesome.
Well, I have to
jet to registration,
but have fun, okay?
Love you. Bye.
Korkin!
What?
He pissed on my baby girl!
Get them!
Oh, shit!
Get the fuck in the cab!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
They both had the same exact little
mole above their butt cracks.
Never have I seen six more
perfectly diverse breasts.
And now, thanks to Ass-rash
and his girlie bladder,
that memory will forever
be a painful one,
because my already swollen
dick is now chaffed
from sprinting full speed
with a fucking boner!
Yeah!
Come on, man.
No hitchhikers.
Not a hitchhiker, a fare. This is
a taxi and we need some money.
Plus, do you see that ass?
Hi! Need a ride?
You can share a fare
with these guys.
Hi.
So where you heading?
Just down the road.
That's cool.
But I wouldn't go too far down
the road in a stolen cab.
Not too hard to spot, you know.
Come on, guys.
DC plate,
the meter's not running,
and your cabbie's sitting in the
back in girlie pink pajamas
'cause he pissed his pants.
Interesting ensemble yourself.
I know, right?
I got this off
a Dr. Ratchett.
No way was I gonna run
cross-country in high heels.
Oh, shit! My stomach, man.
What's his deal?
He swallowed a bag of marijuana
before we were
detained by the CIA.
I fucking hate those guys, man!
Seriously.
They have been spying on me
ever since I got back.
Back from where?
I can't say.
They're listening.
God!
Pull over, man. It's bad.
Right there.
I have to dump
this load somewhere.
Not in the car.
Here's a convenience store.
Convenient?
Do they sell trousers?
If you had any money.
Who wants grub?
I do.
I do.
No. No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
My stomach is hollow.
It's hollow.
No one cares.
No, we're broke.
No worries.
I'll buy.
Korkin, that woman clearly just
escaped from somewhere not good.
That's why we get the food
and then ditch her ass.
Go tell Jake the plan.
Let me handle this. Okay?
Hey, hey.
Thanks, buddy.
Hey, you guys, grab a basket,
get anything you want.
Sweet.
See you tomorrow.
Hey, Jake, it's me.
Let's go.
Korky's going to ditch her
as soon as she buys us food.
Yeah, Andy. Why don't I
just lube my hands
so I can shove it up my ass
and remove the bag of ganja
lodged in my rectum?
Hey, handsome.
Hey.
We're going to take all of this,
and everything you
got in the register.
Whoa! Hello!
Come on.
Come on.
All right. Don't shoot.
Move.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Stop pressuring me!
Hurry up. Hurry up.
I'm hurrying.
Come on. Let's go.
Keys, please.
Come on, come on.
Thanks.
You guys might wanna hit
the floor right about now.
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, then.
You bitches stay on the floor.
Your ho is gonna die.
Back door! Hey, Jake, back door.
Come on!
Go, go, go, go!
You okay?
Shit.
Thought you took care of that.
Fucker never came out.
Pretty sure
the baggie burst, though.
No signal.
Who are you calling?
I don't know, man. 911?
We need some help.
What are you gonna tell them?
Our stolen taxi got stolen?
Wait, you have a better idea?
No.
Not yet, but I'm not a quitter.
I'm finishing this thing.
Finishing what, Korkin?
You don't even play beer pong.
We're in deep shit here, man,
and it's all your fault,
so you better start praying
we get out of this somehow.
You want me to pray?
You want me to pray?
Fine!
Here I am praying that Jake can
squeeze a fucking pot brownie
from his rectum.
Please, God.
Here I am praying that Arash
isn't devoured by goats.
Here I am praying that the
aliens return Andy's balls,
so he can be a man and dump
his lame-ass girlfriend!
Here I am praying
for a miraculous rescue
before the cops
take us all to jail!
Amen! Is that good
enough for you?
You guys okay?
Wow.
Wow.
No. We're not, actually.
We're in big trouble.
Would you believe
our van got stolen?
That sucks. Were you
just at the retreat?
Why, yes!
Yes, we were at the retreat.
We were retreating.
But now we're here,
alone in the wilderness,
all by ourselves.
Well, we could give you guys a
ride to the next town, I guess.
That would be mighty kind.
We're headed to Nashville.
We're from Arkansas.
We go right through there.
Thank God you stopped.
Well, you see four guys praying
by the side of the road,
and you kind of
feel obligated, you know?
Hello.
Is your friend okay?
I'm fine.
Much better now.
I can totally hear myself blink.
Think.
So, do you guys
wanna go to the cops?
No.
Yeah, that car sucked, anyway.
Yeah, it's insured.
So, what's next?
Party, dumb-ass.
Jake's baggie burst.
He's stoned and happy.
Even Ass-rash here
might get laid.
Nobody's getting laid.
Hate to tell you this, but this is
a church retreat about chastity.
What the hell is chastity?
Abstinence from
sexual intercourse.
What?
Abstinence from
sexual intercourse.
No sex until marriage.
Well, that's fucking perfect.
I'm a devout heathen, you're
gonna cheat on your girlfriend
with a beer pong model, Jake's
stoned out of his fucking gourd,
and Ass-rash here is a Muslim.
I am Hindu, asshole.
Is there a difference?
And if you
call me Ass-rash again,
I will rip off your arm
and I will bitch-slap you
with your own hand.
Just a joke, man.
No need to go all
third world on me.
Wow, is that your van?
Let go!
Wow.
No. No.
No.
That one's a taxi.
No.
Ready? Okay.
Okay, you got this.
I got this.
All right.
My name's Sarah.
Korkin.
What's your first name?
People call me Korkin.
So, Sarah,
have you ever been tempted
to break the chastity code?
I sure have.
Well, Korkin, my father,
people call him Reverend.
He founded
the Chastity Movement.
So, does that
answer your question?
Yeah. Guess so.
Good.
Now I've got one for you.
What's the deal?
I saw you duck
when we passed the cops.
Okay. Okay.
I like you,
so I'm gonna do something here
that I never really do, ever,
and tell the truth.
You better,
or you're going
to be finding another ride.
We weren't
at any retreat. No.
Andy and Jake are
actually beer pong players
from the University of Ithaca,
and technically
I'm their manager,
but really I just tag along
to cause trouble.
We're trying to get to
Atlanta for Nationals,
but we've got to go
through Nashville first
so that Andy can hook up
with a beer pong model.
And our stolen van...
I mean, our van was stolen by that
chick after she robbed a store
and got us shot at.
That's it.
So will you take us?
To Nashville or Atlanta?
Both?
Road trip?
Road trip!
Road trip!
Yes!
Yeah.
♪ Philosophy ♪
♪ Is the talk on a cereal box ♪
♪ Religion ♪
Hmm.
What?
Come on.
♪ I'm not aware
of too many things ♪
♪ I know what I know,
if you know what I mean ♪
♪ D-doo yeah ♪
What's wrong?
Nothing. I just feel
a little out of place.
Girl, please, chill out.
Here.
Have some fun. I mean, these girls
are all really, really close.
That's pretty close.
So what I didn't tell you is,
we're all LUGs.
You're what?
Lesbians Until Graduation.
Okay. I'm confused about a
lot of things right now,
but I'm pretty sure
that I'm still straight.
Yeah, okay. That's what I
said my first time, too.
Andrew.
Hey, Jenna.
So, we're on the road.
Did you find another bus
full of models to play with?
Yeah, but they only do
cornhole tournaments.
You Americans and your corn.
Anyway, my friends, they start
to think you are my fantasy.
Well, I am, right?
Your fantasy?
Of course, Mon amour.
Since our last kiss
that tragic day,
you have been my one thought,
my one breath, my one dream.
No pregnancy. No VD,
and let me just say, women
know how to love other women.
That's the LUG life, baby.
Yeah, I bet the initiation
ceremony is a whole lot of fun.
So, are you seeing anyone?
Other then drunk college boys
with beer breath
and bad hair? No.
And you?
With your music career, you
must meet many beautiful women.
Totally, all the time.
I mean, too many to choose from, really.
It's crazy.
How nice of you to fit me into your
busy schedule, monsieur Casanova.
Well, we do have
some unfinished business,
if I recall correctly.
Indeed we do.
Indeed we do.
I'm not saying
you gotta LUG it out.
I mean, how long has it been
since you haven't
had a boyfriend?
Since about the sixth grade.
Girl, please.
How you supposed to be sure about
this guy unless you look around?
And how do you know he's not
doing the same damn thing
while he's out on his
mysterious little trip?
Thank you for using
Auto Service System.
My name is Sujatmi.
How may I help you?
Sujatmi is a lovely name.
My name is Arash.
I'm from Tandoor.
Oh, my God!
Sujatmi, I'm so lonely.
Arash, that is so sad.
Sujatmi, I have not spoken
with a Tandoori female
in many, many a moon.
That is a long time, Arash.
Is this a dream?
Is this reality?
No, this is all a fantasy.
Okay.
Are you ready?
For fantasy?
Yes. Yes.
Yes.
What are you wearing?
I'm wearing
a very stylish shirt.
I'm also wearing some pajamas
with squirrels, pink squirrels.
What are you wearing?
A sari.
A sari.
I bet it is a lovely sari.
What color is it?
Well, here I am, Arash.
Here I am.
Your voice is
so lovely right now.
Are you hot?
Yes, I am so hot.
Oh.
Are you hot?
I'm very, very hot.
So hot there is literally
a fire in my pants.
How big is the fire?
I'd say three to four-alarmer.
It's a big one.
Why don't you blow it out?
I can't. I can't. It's too big.
Please.
You have put
a spell on my banana.
Yes. Is it peeling?
It is peeling.
It is ripe.
Yes.
Right now, you're so tight,
I need to loosen you up.
You caveman.
I will take you and,
with a club,
beat you on the head
and bring you to my cave.
Hibernate in the winter.
Yes. Yes.
It's very dirty. I do not wipe anything.
Yes. Yes.
There's stuff everywhere.
I will bathe you.
You are the man.
Do you like the loofah?
I do.
I will loofah your behind.
Smother you with lather.
I am playing with my banana.
If you were in a field right
now, I would till it.
No one has tilled it before.
No one has tilled you?
No. Maybe.
I just want Tandoori boobiebs.
That's me.
Arash, Arash, Sujatmi is here.
Sujatmi, I will take you home,
I will put you on my bed...
Oh, God.
...and then I will...
All over your place.
Sujatmi.
Arash.
Sujatmi, touch it, touch it.
Arash.
Oh.
Touch it good.
Oh, Arash!
I am playing the pied piper.
Arash.
Arash. Arash.
Peel the banana.
Do you like the baby
gravy on your mashed potatoes?
What did you do?
It appears you
have had an accident.
Arash, what was that?
Oh.
Arash hit a wild boar
during his telephone orgasm,
and it got stuck under the bus.
You killed it.
I just ejaculated.
Lick my balls.
But they decided to leave it
there in case they got hungry.
Kind of like when you're
fishing and you get hungry,
so you decide to eat some worms.
What? Fish eat them.
That's all
very fascinating, Kyle,
but I'd rather hear
more about you.
No, not me.
In fact, my heart is racing.
I want to hear the end.
Please?
So, our group was
back on the move.
All right, Arash.
You're coming?
I'm up.
Okay. Done.
I've got the gas.
You got it?
Yeah.
All right, grab it.
Okay, cool.
Okay, go under my arm.
Okay.
Got it.
Arash, come on, man.
That's disgusting.
What's new, virgins?
We need to stop, okay?
We're hungry, we're grubby,
and this bus smells
like rancid bacon.
You got a little
eye booger there.
Where are we?
We had to make a little stop.
For the night.
Korkin, what'd you do now?
It's more like,
what am I going to do now?
Right now, I'm facing the greatest
challenge of my young life.
Sarah is the daughter
of the preacher
who founded
Chastity Until Marriage.
We pull this off,
we are talking legendary.
Biblical.
So where are we?
Getting lucky in Kentucky.
Where is my Katy's honey?
Momma Hartman?
There you are, sweetie.
I have missed you so much.
Well, come on
off this smelly bus.
I am just so glad that my
Katy called and let me know
that you boys
needed a crash pad.
Everybody grab a shower.
Ladies first.
Go on, go on. You know where it is.
Go on. There you go.
In the meantime, I'm gonna
figure out something for supper.
What in the world is...
Oh, my gosh.
There's fried chicken
with all the fixings,
and veggie lasagna for all
you poor non-meat eaters,
and, Arash, honey, I
didn't know what you are,
so I made you some enchiladas
and some Pad Thai
and some Baba Ghanoush.
We eat goat testicles.
Ah.
Delicious.
You boys look so spiffy.
You look spiffy, too.
I am so glad I didn't get rid
of Papa Hartman's old clothes.
This is wrong.
This is so wrong.
We were nearby.
I had to improvise.
And by the way,
Katy said to give her a ring.
What?
You should call her.
May I have everyone's attention?
I wanna show y'all something.
These are my two beautiful oldest
daughters, Katrina and Kerry,
and their wonderful husbands.
And then this is
for my Katy and Andy.
Hopefully someday soon!
Aw.
Isn't that sweet?
Andy! Well, this just calls
for a toast, doesn't it?
Yes! Toast.
To the future happy couple.
Cheers.
That's so sweet.
Beer pong 101.
See what happens?
Ready? All right.
This is the face-off.
Look into her eyes and be ready.
A toast.
To the ponging of the balls.
Cheers!
Cheers!
Nice!
Oh, my gosh.
No, they can judge you.
No, they can't.
That's not very judgmental.
Is that your thing?
Yes.
Here.
She's talking shit about you guys.
She's talking shit.
Okay, so I'm here not
hearing from you all day,
and you have that asshole Korkin
calling me for a place to stay?
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. He stole
my phone when I was asleep.
Impressive.
Yeah, I know
many survival skills.
Yeah, sure.
Andy, why aren't you in Georgia,
and what's with
the busload of girls?
Well, we had to hitch a ride.
Got a little detoured.
But the Chastity Girls
are harmless.
The Chastity Girls?
It's a church group, sort of.
Anyway, I'm in your room.
Right.
Safe and sound.
Sex without love
dooms relationships,
because people
spend more time screwing
than really getting
to know each other.
Nice.
Oh, my gosh.
Did I just do that?
Yes!
Bye.
So then, is sex without love
the same thing
as premarital sex?
People have
different definitions.
So what is yours?
I've never really
had the chance to decide.
Most guys don't have the balls
to go after
a preacher's daughter,
despite our reputation
for being naughty.
I got your anniversary present.
Already?
Yeah, Korkin sent me the link.
In The Buff? It's all over YouTube.
I can't believe you did that.
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ To sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff! ♪
Korkin!
Andy!
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
Half a million people, man.
It's a top-featured
video on YouTube.
I know.
Now the whole world knows
you have no balls.
That's still not funny.
It's never been funny.
Dude, chill.
I'm your promoter, right?
I did my job. I made you a big star.
Now when Jenna sees Big A,
your little story
will seem legit.
I don't know about Jenna.
I mean, Katy, she's so amazing.
She transferred just for me.
Just see it through.
When you get to Jenna,
you'll know what to do.
Remember, this is a vision
quest, a rite of passage.
A road trip.
A road trip, yes, it is!
Now go away.
Leave me the fuck alone, please.
I'm on a mission here.
It's true, I walked down
the streets of Tandoori City,
I look in the monkey eyes,
and I say,
"You are right.
There are no virgins here."
What are the...
Too much caffeine.
Wanna get hot and sticky?
Arash, honey, I found a
pair of pants for you.
Thank you, and thank you
for the wonderful meal.
It was my pleasure, hon.
But I know your mom
could have done it better.
No.
Your Baba Ghanoush surpassed
that of my
father's finest cooks,
and actually, ma'am,
I don't have a mother.
My father wouldn't
allow me to meet her
for fear we would
conspire to kill him
and assume
the throne of Tandoor.
I'm gonna tell you what I used
to tell my children
every single day.
Your daddy's an asshole.
Now you come here to me.
Come on.
You have got a mama now.
Yes, you do!
You're my mama.
Yes, I am your mama.
You're my son.
Oh...
Let it out.
Let it out.
Asshole!
Yeah. There you go.
There you go.
You are the hole in the ass.
Yeah, that's better.
Rectal chamber.
Yeah.
Dungeon of poo.
I know all about competitive
and domineering parents,
so if you decide to come
to Ithaca, I can help.
Thank you, Kyle.
That's so sweet.
Lydia, let's go.
We're leaving right now!
No, Mother.
I'm staying.
And you know what?
Leave me alone,
or I swear to God,
I will go to Cornell,
and it will cost you
a fucking fortune.
Good job.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Here you go.
Safe trip.
Right, now you eat something.
Munchies!
And, Arash, honey, I gave you a little
extra helping of Baba Ghanoush.
You just call me anytime,
you hear me?
Yes.
I wish you birthed me.
I'm sorry for
flooding your toilets.
Oh.
Andrew.
Listen, I don't know what's
going on between you and Katy,
but just be honest
with each other.
Hey.
Okay.
It was good to see you.
It was great seeing you.
Oh.
And I jacked up
the front of the bus
and cut that hog
right out of there.
Well, enjoy your ham
sandwiches, everybody.
Bye!
See you.
Bye!
Bye!
Bye! Bye!
Okay. Stay safe.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have reached our
final destination.
Prepare to get your pong on!
You throw like a girl!
Two times, you cannot hit
even a small target?
One more strike...
Jenna!
...and you're out
if I'm not in, baby!
So much has changed.
You're now so big and strong.
I'll take over.
Looks like you need a break.
Thanks. Hurry, come with me.
Hello, everyone.
This is my friend Andy.
You probably have seen
a lot of him on the net.
And he is here today especially
to perform his new
song In The Buff!
In The Buff!
In The Buff! In The Buff!
In The Buff! In The Buff!
♪ After five years of love ♪
♪ This song's just not enough ♪
♪ So I decided
I won't be denied ♪
♪ And I'll sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
Oh, my God!
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to sing it in the buff ♪
Thank you!
Thank you, my Andy.
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
What do you see?
An amazingly gorgeous girl
who once made
a really dorky American
feel cool before
falling out of a hay loft.
So let's see it.
Whoa.
Not too bad for a cadaver.
Hello.
Andy's song inspired me.
Oh, sweet God!
Hello!
But I'm having a little
trouble with this bra.
So did I.
Here, you know what,
let me help you.
You know what you do
when someone has a boo-boo?
Kiss it. Make it better.
I've dreamed of
this so many times.
Were they, how do you
say, the water dreams?
Yeah.
Sometimes twice a day.
♪ In the buff ♪
♪ In the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to sing it in the buff ♪
Thank you!
Thank you, my Andy.
Take it off for Andy!
I can't.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
It's...
It's complicated.
Perhaps it's better that way,
because I must leave, anyway.
You know how I was hoping
for the next step on the ladder?
Well, it came.
A big agency saw me
for a shoot in Paris.
That's great.
You deserve it.
Yeah.
But always remember, when those
crazy model bitches attack...
♪ Don't you crack,
don't you crack ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
Big A's got your back ♪
♪ Big A's got your back ♪
My Andrew.
Whatever happens,
your complication
is a very lucky girl.
How about some of this?
And then that?
You're gonna go down.
You're going to go downtown.
Take the train.
Yes, you want some?
Here we go. Yes, here we go!
Step it up.
Yeah?
You lied to me, Andy.
You really were freaked out. So
maybe after five years of love,
instead of getting in the buff,
you should have
just told me the truth.
Have fun with your
French beer bitch.
Liar.
Korkin? God...
Dude! What? This is
becoming a very bad habit.
We gotta leave, man.
Now. Come on.
You couldn't do it, could you?
No, I could have.
But I didn't.
Then that's why we came here, right?
To find out?
No, no. You wanted to come here.
I didn't want to come here.
I swear, if you didn't have a boner
right now, I'd kick your ass.
It's pretty intimidating, huh?
You know what?
He probably didn't mention
that screwing you
would be the biggest challenge
of his life, did he?
"Biblical,"
if I recall correctly.
Biblical, huh?
No.
Let's see about that.
She won't answer
any of my calls.
Who?
All right.
I was just checking.
I taught him the Tandoori
national anthem.
And we found weed.
We encountered a Tandoori
team from Harvard.
And they wanna scrimmage us.
They gave us
these glorious fatties
to celebrate the imprisonment
of Captain Mother Bitch
Bag of Douche, my father.
Yeah, and by the way,
I finally took a shit.
And get this,
the weed was gone...
But where did it go?
...and in its place
was a turd in a baggie!
The human body is truly
an amazing machine.
We have to go.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your three-time defending
national champion,
Raz-R!
And last but not least, representing
the University of Ithaca,
North-East regional
champions, Hagan Hall!
What up, Fake?
Ready to be exposed
as the burnout, scraggily,
Sasquatch-looking fraud you are?
I will bitch-slap the...
Hey, hey, hey.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I got nothing, bro.
Sorry.
You got nothing
because you are nothing.
Why don't you go back
to your dorm where it's safe?
Let the big dog eat!
Take your places...
You ready for this?
Totally. I'm fine.
...for the Beer Pong Nationals.
Brought to you by
Beer Pong America.
And now, round one.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Yeah. I actually
invented that trick.
Round two, the quarterfinals.
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Dude, you suck.
You'll never make it.
So close.
Hurricane Jake.
Booya!
The Pong America Semifinals.
Okay. How do you do?
You want a piece of this?
Okay, okay, okay!
That's not really
playing fair, is it?
Don't even...
Taxi!
Damn.
Excuse me?
Where's Andy?
The complication.
You're a lucky girl.
He's inside.
Any more weed?
The Tandooris have been smoking
since they lost
in the first round,
and now they're
completely tapped out.
That's gonna be a problem.
All right, guys.
This is it.
I want a good clean match, okay?
No contact whatsoever.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jake, you know what happens
when you drink too much.
Lost my high, bro.
I gotta do something.
All right.
Nice, Jake.
No surprises, okay? It's us
against Raz-R and Jabba.
Now, hey,
if Jake wins possession,
we have to hit every throw
'cause they will not miss.
I know. Okay.
Okay?
Get your shit straight.
Okay. Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Ready?
Ready.
All right, do your thing.
Okay.
Katy?
I swear, nothing happened.
It doesn't matter.
Okay, okay, something happened.
Something little. I kissed her
on the lips and the toes...
Andy.
...and the whole general foot
and ankle area...
Andy, it's okay. You made a mistake.
I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have transferred.
I'm gonna go back to CMU.
And then things can
go back to normal?
Our weekly virtual thing? 'Cause
I really like the Skype sex.
How about you could just be
my hometown guy for a while,
and we'll see
each other on breaks?
Christmas, summer...
Hey!
Hey.
Hey, Katy.
It's good to see you.
Listen, buddy, it's game time.
I know.
Just one minute. Okay?
You know what?
Actually, I gotta go.
No, no, no. It's the finals.
Please stay.
Look, I really want you here.
Beer Pong America National
finalists, take your positions.
Winner take all.
Good luck.
Thanks.
And may the best team win.
Tournament rules apply, and the
decision of the judge is final.
The winner will be
undisputed world champions.
All right. This is it.
Trick shot for possession.
Peons, plebes
and punk-ass bitches.
Miss it. Miss it!
We're fucked.
Thank you very much.
Bring it, Fake.
What you got?
I'll tell you what I got.
God damn it!
Possession, Raz-R Bax.
Don't worry, boys. It's gonna
be quick and painless.
You. You and me!
This is ridiculous.
Hey, Raz-R!
Why don't you just take
a little peek at that?
Kiss it. Love it.
You want a little piece of that?
Make a wish. Rub it. The
genie will come out, baby.
Fuck that shit.
How about that? You want it?
You like that?
You hungry for that?
We rack!
Are you serious? Golly!
How do you like that, son?
That's real questionable, buddy.
Forgot to wipe.
All right.
Don't worry about it, guys.
Let's go!
Let's go, Jake!
Tandoori time!
Whoa, whoa.
Ref, time out!
Thirty-second time out,
Hagan Hall from Ithaca.
Everybody, gather around.
Let's bow our heads, close
our eyes, and let's pray.
You gotta be kidding me.
Are you serious, man?
It worked for you, didn't it?
Yeah.
This is a fucking joke.
Bounce it at them.
Finish them off.
Nice stop, Raz-R Bax.
Ball's to Hagan Hall.
Suck it!
Kiss it now, big boy.
Kiss it now.
Ready? Ready? All right. Let's
send these bitches home.
You cool?
Yeah. I'm fine.
Shoot, freak.
I'm waiting.
Are you guys seeing this?
It went in!
Yes! It went in!
Fuck you!
Yeah!
Yeah!
No!
Hey, Jake.
Is he out?
He never has to drink this much, man.
He's got zero tolerance.
Fucking amateurs.
Even if you get it in,
it's over.
No subs allowed.
He's right. The rule is, if your
partner can't shoot, you forfeit.
Maybe you wanna sing your little
swan song first, In The Buff.
Be my guest.
It's all yours.
Hagan Hall,
resume play or forfeit.
Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up!
Thought you were with him.
No. He was
just a distraction.
Raz-R, you're the man.
Wait, what did she just say?
What did she just say?
She said I'm the man.
What?
Game over, asshole!
What? What?
Dude!
Okay, okay, not bad, Katy.
Not bad at all.
I thought you said girlfriends
and beer pong don't mix.
No.
Welcome to the show, honey.
I thought you said you were
just my hometown honey.
We've got to find more weed.
And that's how Ithaca won its first
national sports championship.
Wait, well, what
happened to everybody?
Well, Andy tried to follow
up his YouTube success In The Buff
with the Beer Pong Song.
It ended up a one-hit wonder,
and his 15 minutes of fame
only lasted 15 minutes.
Katy regained her scholarship.
She and Andy hooked up
on Thanksgiving
and Christmas and summer break,
and that time he came home
for his great aunt's funeral.
Having met the perfect girl,
Arash returned to Ithaca,
got a job
and worked his
way through college.
But before he could commit,
he had to take her home to
Kentucky to Momma Hartman's field.
He needed Momma Hartman to teach
Sujatmi how to "till it."
Jake now coaches Ithaca's
National Champion Beer Pong Team,
and we petitioned
to make it an Olympic sport.
And Korkin found the one girl
worth being doused with
concentrated urine and feces.
Good for him.
And as for me,
I will remain at Ithaca,
an ever vigilant PUSE
proudly serving our students,
until I can get a real job
or until my dad dies.
Any questions?
Yeah.
Could you tell me
where those LUGs hang out?
♪ Buff ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ After five years of love ♪
♪ This song's just not enough ♪
♪ So I decided I won't be denied
and I'll sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to do it in the buff ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ When I sing this song ♪
♪ It's just like making love ♪
♪ And I can't fake it,
I'm totally naked ♪
♪ I'm singing in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to do it in the buff ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ We just wanna, yeah,
we just wanna be naked ♪
♪ Naked ♪
♪ We don't want to, no,
we don't want to wear clothes ♪
♪ Wear clothes ♪
♪ We just wanna, yeah,
we just wanna be naked ♪
♪ Naked ♪
♪ We don't want to, no,
we don't want to wear clothes ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to do it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to do it in the buff ♪
♪ To do it in the buff ♪
♪ To do it in the buff ♪
♪ To do it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff ♪
doing things ♪
♪ That other folks
tell me to do ♪
♪ So I hit him with a hammer ♪
♪ And now he's quite subdued ♪
Whoa!
Hey, Lemar, what's up?
You owe me 10 bucks!
Sorry, guys.
Sorry about that.
So then you're gonna walk
through it going... Whoa!
Good morning, Ithaca!
Hey, Lisa, you were
supposed to call me!
Call me tonight, all right?
Oh, God!
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
You cut off his leg!
Somebody get some help! I need
a tourniquet and some ice.
Okay, don't panic. Don't panic.
Everything's gonna be okay.
I'm a trained
first responder, okay?
Can you hear me?
I am so fired.
Is he laughing?
Y'all got punk'd!
What?
Son of a bitch.
Works every time, yo.
Thanks, man.
Welcome to the University of Ithaca.
I'm Kyle, your PUSE.
Come on, pervs.
PUSE. It stands for Prospective
Undergraduate Student Envoy.
Come on, people. Lighten up,
it was a joke. He's fine.
Take it easy, man.
You owe me a beer.
See? We're all about
special needs here.
As a matter of fact,
our motto is,
"If you're special,
we needs you."
So, besides being a PUSE,
what do you do at Ithaca, Kyle?
Well, I've been
an RA for four years.
I'm currently
getting my PhD.,
and I'm the alumni
advisor for my frat.
Wow.
Yeah. What percentage
of Ithaca students
end up going to
Ivy League grad schools?
That's a good question,
and I'm not really sure.
Okay, well, am I going to be
limited in the number of hours
that I can take
in a semester, or...
I don't know, but if
not, you sure should be.
Can I be both a double
major and a double minor?
Hmm.
I really don't know
about that, either.
So, what do you know,
Mr. PUSE?
That Ithaca is the proud holder
of a national
athletic championship.
Yeah, no way.
No, this is
an academic institution.
I mean,
your mascot's a librarian.
Lydia, stop.
What?
He's a moron.
I'm sorry. She's under a
lot of stress right now.
It's okay.
Mom, you're doing it again.
What? Doing what?
You know what I'm talking about.
Ryan told me what you did
during his campus visit.
I have no idea what
she's talking about.
Oh, my God.
You get back here
right now, Missy!
Oh, or what?
No, it's cool, she can leave.
Of course, you're
gonna be missing out
on a really great story.
Love.
Sex.
Oh, God.
The relentless pursuit
of academic excellence.
Fine.
Okay, so,
there's this guy named Andy
who lives on my floor, right?
And he's been dating this girl
named Katy for, like, ever.
They began as high
school lab partners
in Mr. Blankenbaker's
biology class.
Andy helped Katy
win the science fair,
and Katy became Andy's band
manager and biggest fan.
They were in love,
whatever that is,
and they promised
that graduation
would only make them stronger.
Though their bodies
were separated,
their hearts
stayed together tight,
till the start of
their junior year.
♪ After five years of love ♪
♪ This song's just not enough ♪
♪ So I decided I won't be denied
and I'll sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff ♪
Dude! What the fuck?
Korky, a little help.
My toe's cramping up.
I don't care if you're
having fucking seizures.
That is horrible.
Korky.
Oh, did you ever hear of manscaping?
I need help.
Don't touch me.
I'll be outside.
Do you actually have testicles?
Didn't you just see them?
I'm serious, man. My
cousin, his never dropped.
He literally has no balls.
So when he tells me
that he can't
break up with his
girlfriend, I get that.
No, it's not that I can't, Korkin.
I don't want to.
I mean, Katy's beautiful.
She's smart. She's...
Got your balls locked in her
Hello Kitty hope chest?
Whoa!
Wait, wait, wait.
What is that shit?
This, my friend,
is known as an ILMAG.
A what?
An Improvised Last-Minute
Anniversary Gift.
Every year I have a reminder
set on my computer,
but this year, mysteriously,
it didn't go off.
You're welcome.
Dude! Uncool.
Sabotage was my last resort.
You're 21 and you act 40.
You never go out.
You never party.
I play beer pong every weekend.
And you go right home
after every tournament.
Know why?
Why?
Because you fear temptation.
And who fears temptation
but a man with doubts?
Work it, Chloe.
Bite it, Korkin.
Okay, okay, so
sometimes I'm tempted.
But overall,
I'm a very happy man, okay?
Let me make you happier.
Designate Katy as your back-home girl.
Your hometown honey.
She's there for weekends,
vacations, long dry spells.
Let her think
whatever she wants,
but here, you do
whatever you want.
It's a win-win.
Okay, unlike you, I don't cheat.
What does that even mean?
It means I don't cheat.
In that bucket is
concentrated urine and feces.
Any Hagan Hall man known to have
a steady girlfriend gets treed.
Ass Turd will be there till
she comes to rescue him.
Guess I better not mention
K-A-T-Y to these guys.
Korkin, no.
You don't want to know what
else they put in that bucket.
You know, maybe you could
have mentioned that
before I swapped dorms.
Please don't swap dorms.
Katy?
It took me forever
to find this one.
What are you doing here?
Your big tournament's tonight,
so I wanted to say happy anniversary
and cheer you on in person.
That is so cool.
I'm not done.
Guess what else?
What could be better?
I transferred here, to Ithaca!
Wow!
Wow!
Better update those
hepatitis shots, bro.
There's a storm brewing, boys.
Wind, four knots.
Barometric pressure,
falling.
Perfect conditions
for Hurricane Jake.
♪ Well, I was walking
back home real late ♪
♪ Looked at the stars
up in the sky ♪
♪ Thought of the wishes
I had made ♪
♪ Then started thinkin' about
all the time we had left ♪
♪ Was counting all my mistakes
and counting all my regrets ♪
Oh!
Ponage!
Only his third try, Raz-R.
See you at Nationals.
Eat pussy.
You suck.
As soon as I capture this tape,
I can upload it to YouTube.
What about
your full ride at CMU?
I mean, it's like the
Harvard of horticulture.
Yeah, it's amazing,
but so are you.
I mean, we only have one chance
to be in college together.
I don't want to waste it.
Didn't you feel like
we were slipping away
with all the e-mails
and Skype sex?
I don't know. Maybe.
I freaked you out, didn't I?
No!
I mean, no, I...
It's gonna be great.
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
Okay.
♪ ...to sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff ♪
There's a storm brewing, boys.
Wind, four knots.
Barometric pressure, falling.
Perfect conditions
for Hurricane Jake.
Uh-oh.
Somebody looks freaked out.
I'm not freaked out.
Well, you should be.
She's gonna suck you into
some off-campus apartment
with curtains and coasters
and a chaise lounger with
those giant fucking pillows.
Kick her ass to the curb
before you get doused with
concentrated urine and feces.
No woman is worth that.
But right now, both you
douche bags need to focus.
We go to war in one hour.
Awesome.
New uniforms.
Are you ready to
protect this house?
Sexy.
Go away.
Unless you have breasts.
Hey, guys. What's up?
Kyle! The man!
Dude, you're back!
Yeah, I went to Prague
in May on a convention
that ended up on a
three-month pub crawl
where I got laid a lot.
Very nice.
By different girls.
Wow.
That's real diversity, Kyle.
Wait, is the tournament tonight?
The finals. You coming?
No, I can't.
I've got a frat meeting.
We're practicing
for our new step show.
What?
Nice!
Yeah, well,
it's better with, like, more black
guys, but there's a little taste.
Well, I'm bummed
I'm gonna miss tonight.
Well, give them
hell for Hagan Hall.
You, too, Kyle.
Give them hell, bro.
Glad you're back, man.
Take it easy, guys.
Peace.
Peace.
Shit. It's ready.
Shit. Raz-R beat us to it.
What?
That's the third trick shot
he's uploaded this week.
What up, Jake the Fake?
Just wanted to say
good luck tonight,
so I can kick your
bony ass in Atlanta.
That's right, baby.
Do not let him into your head.
He's already there.
God.
See, there was a time eons ago
when beer pong was simply
a fringe novelty game
played by Cro-Magnons in
cave-like garages using paddles.
But the sport, thank you
very much, has now evolved
into a grueling mano
a mano death match
designed to push mind, body and
liver to their furthest limits.
Thus the high-tech
athletic gear.
Exactly, me lady. Our
bodies are our weapons.
Jake is one of the best
trick-shotters in the country.
This right here is
like our Olympic trials.
Hello!
Well, Godspeed, good sirs,
and may you vanquish
your many enemies.
God, that's so lame.
Korkin.
Zoink!
Right, here you go.
Thank you.
There's something I forgot to
tell you about this place.
What? When somebody puts
money in the jar...
It's titty time!
Ooh!
...they flash you.
Welcome to the show, honey.
No, I'm not done yet.
Welcome to
the University of Ithaca's
Beer Pong Finals,
where tonight one of these eight
teams will win full sponsorship
from TaTa's Pub to compete for
the National
Collegiate Championship!
This is it!
Let's pong it out, bitches!
It's titty time!
We go eye to eye for possession.
Okay.
Splash!
We get the balls back
for two-hit shots,
but we get to keep shooting
until one of us misses.
I'm so glad I'm here.
I'm not glad you're here.
Hey, buddy, listen.
You shoot. I'll talk.
Katy, hi.
Girlfriends and beer pong
don't mix.
Unless, of course,
you can do that.
Nope. Can't do that.
All right, Ithaca's boys
are going to Atlanta next week.
Bounce shots can be blocked,
and guys can finger the rim
when it's a spinner,
but not girls.
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Andy! Andy!
Yeah!
Girls can blow the hole
and it scores as our miss.
Damn it.
Son of a...
Oh!
Kiki, a drink for our opponents.
Oh...
I remember.
Now, go do your thing.
She's just a distraction.
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Hey, Lester.
Now check this out.
Andy, you the man!
That's our secret phrase.
Hit a cup in our opponent's
hand, and it's...
Booya!
Death cup.
Game over, asshole.
Yes!
Yes, man! Yes!
All right, all right, all right!
Who's going to the A-town next week?
Lock and load.
It's titty time!
All right, Ithacans!
This is it, the finals!
We trick-shot for possession.
Come on, Jake.
Did you see that?
Did you see that?
Possession, Hagan Hall!
Hagan! Hagan! Hagan!
Hagan Hall.
So do I get to wear
your beer pong
Letterman jacket, you jock stud?
Actually,
it wasn't my best night.
Maybe I can change that.
It's time to celebrate
our anniversary.
How?
See you in an hour.
Ooh.
What's up, guys?
Dude, this is what awaits us
at the end of the
rainbow, my friend,
if you get your
fucking head straight.
No way.
What?
I knew her before I met Katy.
Her name's Jenna.
She's French.
Bullshit.
So, before Katy, there was Jenna.
She was a total babe.
Sexy. Exotic.
A real woman among boys,
not unlike the lovely
lady by my side.
Did I trip you?
I'm sorry.
Such soft, gentle hands.
So, what's your degree in?
Interpretive Urban Dance.
It is so hot.
Yeah, so, I'm sorry,
you were saying,
about the young,
hot, exotic Jenna?
Yeah. Way back before
there was ever a Katy,
Jenna was Andy's first
crush, his first kiss,
and would have even been
his first boink,
if not for the vicious,
man-eating corn snake
who called their love nest home.
Jenna's foot recovered nicely
with donated replacement
tendons from a cadaver.
But once she was loaded
into the ambulance,
Andy never heard from her again.
Bullshit.
No, I'm serious.
We met at summer camp
when I was 16.
She gave me this bracelet.
Bullshit.
To prove the lovely Jenna
was once his willing near-boink,
Andy logged on
to the Pong America web site
in an effort to find her.
Booya!
And Jenna nearly wet
her dainty little panties
when Andy pinged her,
which gave him
a virtual hard-on.
She gave me her digits.
Call her.
I'm going to.
Okay.
Of course I remember Mon Andrew!
Of course she remembers
Mon Andrew.
I have wondered
about you many times.
She's wondered
about me many times.
Wondered if you're straight?
We actually won
our beer pong tournament.
I'm coming to Atlanta next week!
No! First you must
come meet me on the tour!
You can hang out with me and
the other girls on the bus!
Do you wanna go? No?
Yes. Yes.
Okay. Where are you?
Tomorrow we are in Illinois.
I'll meet you in Illinois.
Where the hell is Illinois?
He's coming to see me.
Wait. I can't leave.
What? What?
I can't go anywhere.
Katy just transferred here.
Give me her.
Dude, this chick is
a world-class hottie,
and some snake stole your
chance to consummate?
You have to go to her.
Now. It's a rite of passage,
a vision quest.
Vision.
I can't.
Okay. Tell me this.
Is Katy just your first, your first
of many, or your first and last?
How should I know?
Then let's go find this goddess,
and then if you realize
you still want Katy,
you'll never have to worry
about having doubts again.
You'll know she's the one.
That was the best week
of my life.
Until now.
Road trip!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
The bar gave us tickets
to Atlanta.
Who's paying for us
to get to Illinois?
We need some chump
to sponsor us.
I know a guy.
His name is Arash. His
dad's the dictator of Tandoor.
Where the hell is Tandoor?
Next to Illinois.
No, it's an island off
the coast of Indonesia.
He's loaded.
I took Intro to Modern
Drug Cultures with him.
Awesome class.
Changed my life.
Yes?
Hey, man.
It's Jake.
I brought some weed.
I'm winning this.
This is the game...
This is the game of real life.
This is not a fantasy. Welcome
to real life. I hope you like...
I bet you guys
kick ass at paintball.
I have the weed.
I don't know...
You're dying.
You're not living anymore.
This is the real life. Do not
fuck with me, Lawdawg54!
I am now owning your ass!
I am the property master
and you are my servant!
Yes. In your face! That hurts bad.
Go to sleep!
I admired your essay on the
socio-political relevance
of Up in Smoke very much, Jake.
Thanks, man.
So, tell me,
why are you really here?
My friend and I are
beer pong players,
and we come requesting
sponsorship for our team.
Beer pong?
Let me demonstrate.
I have seen this.
You Americans
can turn even drinking
into a contest.
Indeed. But if we win, your
investment will be doubled,
and you will bring glory to your
father, your country and to Ithaca.
I will travel with you?
Probably better
if we go it alone.
Keep costs down.
Stay low profile.
I have no need for money,
I hate my father,
my country is a shit bucket,
and Ithaca was my fallback.
Evidently, Harvard does not
accept the sons of despots.
Who knew?
Leave me now.
I will keep your hashish
in return for my time.
Wait! You can come,
and I'll put us on a busload
of gorgeous models.
Look, this girl in the middle,
that's the girl
I'm going to see.
Is she a virgin?
She's all natural, man.
Except for some tendons
in her foot.
And her private regions?
Jungle bush?
Okay. If you are lying,
you will all be kidnapped
and sent to my father's mines,
where you will work
in complete darkness
until you die of the black lung,
filthy, emaciated and cold.
Works for me.
No problem. Yes.
Then we have a deal.
Yes.
Yes.
Here we go. Okay. Very good.
Thank you.
Phone the hanger.
Have them prepare
Tandoor 2 for a dawn departure.
And make me some soup.
What is Tandoor 2?
It's the royal jet.
Fuck yeah, it is!
Welcome to the team!
Fuck yeah, it is!
Hey, what's this?
Not good.
Shit.
Adji!
This is the CIA. You're
surrounded, and we're coming in.
It's him.
He's the terrorist!
Andy, where are you?
It's been, like, three hours.
Please call me back.
Your turn, Jenna. And no dares for you.
I want the truth.
Was this Andy guy your first?
I'm working.
Yeah, we wanna
hear the truth, sister.
Come on, Jenna.
Fine, the answer is no,
but almost.
Within one week we were in love.
So, you guys gonna
hook up or what?
I don't hook up.
I'm a lady.
Who sells beer with her breasts.
Right.
And then, overwhelmed by
the inter-gravitational pull
of their mutual hotness,
the beer pong girls engaged
in a naked pillow fight.
What a bunch of male
wish-fulfillment bullshit.
I've never been in a naked
pillow fight before.
I have.
Right.
So anyway,
our heroes were transported
to a secret CIA
interrogation center,
where they were interrogated...
No. No.
That looks like Korkin's mom.
...tortured...
This is a bad trip.
I'm tripping out, man!
Hey, man.
...and humiliated.
You don't need to do it.
Open wide for mommy! Oh!
What the fuck is that?
No, no, no, no, no.
Back up. Back up.
Turns out papa tyrant
was overthrown in a coup.
All of his assets
were seized and given
to the poor,
hungry people of Tandoor.
Greedy bastards.
I thought my dad was bad,
but apparently some despotic
parents can never be pleased.
Okay, it's safe.
My dick hole is the size of a
garden hose, you son of a bitch!
Whoa! Whoa!
So sorry.
Okay, okay, all right. Allow
me to apologize to you all.
I had no idea my father
would be overthrown
by a group of 12 unarmed
peasants and a wizard.
I am now destitute,
penniless, homeless.
Welcome to America.
Whoa, whoa, Korkin,
it's not his fault.
We're lucky they let us go.
Let's just find
out where we are.
"Bethesda"?
That's bullshit, man.
Maryland?
It's like, there should be a
fucking law that the fucking CIA
has to fucking drop you off
where they fucking got you!
So write your
fucking congressman!
You know what?
Eat my ass, Korkin,
'cause I had to swallow
a whole pound of weed,
and then they made me
listen to techno all night.
You know what that's like?
Guys!
Okay, you know what?
Shut up and let's focus
on getting out of here.
Oh, shit.
Hello?
Andy, where are you?
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine.
You won't believe what happened.
Thank you.
Jake, follow me.
Ass-rash, thanks for nothing,
and I'll see you never.
No, no, no, no, wait, wait,
you can't leave me here.
His dad is the dictator
of Tandoor, right?
The dictator of Tandoor?
If I am found by rebel agents,
I will be brutally
tortured and fed to goats.
That's not my problem, shithead.
We need a sponsor, not
some assassination target.
For the first time in my life,
I have no guards, no father.
I am finally free.
All right, I have an idea.
Please don't
leave me here, Korkin.
Play along, or you're goat food.
Take that.
Okay.
Follow me.
He was going to fly us
to Atlanta on Tandoor 2,
his own private jet.
You want me to believe that you
stood me up on our anniversary
so you could ride
on some dictator's airplane?
My phone's dying,
Ass-rash, so hurry up.
Take some bags, head to
the van in the front.
Do you see keys?
Yes.
Okay,
put the luggage in the back.
Wait! Turn right. The
cabbies are staring at you.
Flip them off.
No, flip them off!
Flip them off!
No, not me, moron. Them.
Do it!
My uncle was a cabbie!
Fuck off!
Fuck off!
They had helicopters and
they had laser-sight guns,
and then we were thrown
into this helicopter...
Hit it!
Hit what?
Go!
What, drive?
Awesome!
You can't drive?
I was never allowed to,
but I am most excellent
at Super Mario Kart.
Korkin had, like,
this penile pap smear,
Jake was tortured by bad music.
And let me guess,
you were waterboarded?
No, that was Arash.
Need a ride?
Get in!
No! No, no, no, you didn't.
Come on!
Okie dokie.
Come on.
Like that.
It was totally crazy.
Okay.
So, how does this
ridiculous farce
contribute to my
decision to come here?
Because it speaks to the
spirit of our students.
I became the man I am today
because of a road trip.
I love a good ride.
Mom.
I still like to roll
every once in a while.
Mom!
Okay. TMI.
Come in.
Katy Hartman?
Yeah.
Andy's Katy?
Yeah.
Cool. I'm Kyle, your RA.
You know, Andy and I are
pretty good friends.
We even compared penises
in the shower once,
and he totally regretted it.
So this is Amy.
Amy had a little
altercation with
her former Sigma Gamma roommate
and had to be relocated.
I think you guys are
gonna be a good match.
Hey! How's my
favorite glamorous supermodel?
Very glamorous, Mon amour.
Runway. Bright lights.
Wait, I send you a photo.
Mandee?
Okay.
Smile!
That looks like a fun job.
Good resume builder.
Okay. So wait.
So you transferred
from your dream school,
the Columbia of cultivation,
to be here for some guy?
I missed him,
and I wanted to be with him.
And now there's a nail
in that man's head
because he bounced
the same day you showed up?
We'll get through it, and I'll
just stay busy until he gets back.
What? Baking cookies?
Doing his ironing?
Excuse me?
I'm just saying.
Look here, Amy,
I don't care how many sorority
girls you've punched.
Just because I don't have purple
eye shadow and spiky hair
doesn't mean I'm not a strong,
independent woman, okay?
I just panicked, all right?
And now I'm here and he's there,
and, frankly,
I'm a little freaked out.
Okay.
Look, I'm having a party
tonight, all right?
Just some ladies hanging
out, having a good time.
I think you should come.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Do you remember the song
you wrote for me?
♪ When the bitches attack ♪
♪ Don't you cry, don't you cry ♪
♪ Because, baby,
Big A's got your back ♪
♪ Big A's got your back ♪
God.
Wow, I kind of forgot that one.
But you still have
a record deal, no?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
I just recorded a new
song yesterday, actually.
In my studio.
What?
Yeah, sure he did.
We have a stage on the tour.
You can play a concert
when you arrive.
Actually,
we got a little sidetracked,
so we won't be
able to make it today,
but I'll meet you at your next
stop in Nashville for sure.
I must now enter the glamorous
beer pong dunking booth.
Whoa!
Au revoir, my wittle French fry.
I'm gonna fucking puke.
I, too, am in need
of a restroom.
Again?
What are you, a chick?
Nudie bar!
Pull in there.
You can potty while we party.
My people are known
to have diminutive bladders.
To go with your
diminutive wittle weewees?
Is that your
record studio, Big A?
Gotta go. Gotta go.
Gotta go.
Hey.
Oh, Andy!
Boys, give it up for Bambi!
Bambi enjoys
early bird specials,
cuddling up with
a nice box of wine,
and watching reruns of Matlock!
Shit. Left my wallet
in the car.
Yeah, me, too.
Welcome to
the Kit 'N Cougar, fellas.
Actually, we just came so my
friend could take a piss.
So you wanna use my plumbing,
but you can't patronize
my business?
No, of course not. Don't be rude, Jake.
Let's party.
After last night and then this
morning I was totally freaking out,
but my new roommate is so sweet.
She invited me to
her party tonight,
and I decided to go with her.
Good for you.
That's great.
Don't fight it, boys. You'll
never get her out of your mind.
You think our cougar's hot,
you gotta see our kittens.
The kitten?
Show me a little pussy.
Watch your language, boy.
This is a classy establishment.
Yes, sir.
No problem, sir.
Arash, get the fuck over here.
I mean, I can't believe it!
This campus is really gorgeous.
And I found this
cute little coffee shop
where we can study by the fire
together when it's snowing.
Dude, if one of the Golden Girls
tries to give me a lap dance,
I swear to God, I am gonna puke.
Hi, guys.
You like the twins?
They're sisters?
Fraternal.
I'm their ma,
and Bambi dancing out
there, well, she's my ma.
And Lester, that teddy bear
that brought you all in,
well, he's my hubby.
It's a family business.
Then momma, come to daddy.
Mangoes.
There are these adorable
little apartments off campus.
We can totally move in
together next year.
I like you.
I have to go.
Watch the hands, Mowgli.
Okay.
There's even a spare room for my
mom, when she comes to visit.
She'll totally cook and clean.
You know her!
I'll make us some curtains, and
we can buy our own furniture.
I've always wanted one
of those chaise loungers
with the big, fluffy pillows.
Katy? Katy? This is
going to be so great for us.
I thought you were mad at me.
Well, I was, until I read
about the coup in Tandoor.
How's Arash?
Poor little guy.
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting!
Carrie, I told you
that could happen.
Now be professional, SUG.
Mom, he peed on me.
Lester, code red! Golden
shower in the champagne room!
You have a napkin?
He's fine.
We found a ride and we're
headed to the tournament.
That's awesome.
Well, I have to
jet to registration,
but have fun, okay?
Love you. Bye.
Korkin!
What?
He pissed on my baby girl!
Get them!
Oh, shit!
Get the fuck in the cab!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
They both had the same exact little
mole above their butt cracks.
Never have I seen six more
perfectly diverse breasts.
And now, thanks to Ass-rash
and his girlie bladder,
that memory will forever
be a painful one,
because my already swollen
dick is now chaffed
from sprinting full speed
with a fucking boner!
Yeah!
Come on, man.
No hitchhikers.
Not a hitchhiker, a fare. This is
a taxi and we need some money.
Plus, do you see that ass?
Hi! Need a ride?
You can share a fare
with these guys.
Hi.
So where you heading?
Just down the road.
That's cool.
But I wouldn't go too far down
the road in a stolen cab.
Not too hard to spot, you know.
Come on, guys.
DC plate,
the meter's not running,
and your cabbie's sitting in the
back in girlie pink pajamas
'cause he pissed his pants.
Interesting ensemble yourself.
I know, right?
I got this off
a Dr. Ratchett.
No way was I gonna run
cross-country in high heels.
Oh, shit! My stomach, man.
What's his deal?
He swallowed a bag of marijuana
before we were
detained by the CIA.
I fucking hate those guys, man!
Seriously.
They have been spying on me
ever since I got back.
Back from where?
I can't say.
They're listening.
God!
Pull over, man. It's bad.
Right there.
I have to dump
this load somewhere.
Not in the car.
Here's a convenience store.
Convenient?
Do they sell trousers?
If you had any money.
Who wants grub?
I do.
I do.
No. No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
My stomach is hollow.
It's hollow.
No one cares.
No, we're broke.
No worries.
I'll buy.
Korkin, that woman clearly just
escaped from somewhere not good.
That's why we get the food
and then ditch her ass.
Go tell Jake the plan.
Let me handle this. Okay?
Hey, hey.
Thanks, buddy.
Hey, you guys, grab a basket,
get anything you want.
Sweet.
See you tomorrow.
Hey, Jake, it's me.
Let's go.
Korky's going to ditch her
as soon as she buys us food.
Yeah, Andy. Why don't I
just lube my hands
so I can shove it up my ass
and remove the bag of ganja
lodged in my rectum?
Hey, handsome.
Hey.
We're going to take all of this,
and everything you
got in the register.
Whoa! Hello!
Come on.
Come on.
All right. Don't shoot.
Move.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Stop pressuring me!
Hurry up. Hurry up.
I'm hurrying.
Come on. Let's go.
Keys, please.
Come on, come on.
Thanks.
You guys might wanna hit
the floor right about now.
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, then.
You bitches stay on the floor.
Your ho is gonna die.
Back door! Hey, Jake, back door.
Come on!
Go, go, go, go!
You okay?
Shit.
Thought you took care of that.
Fucker never came out.
Pretty sure
the baggie burst, though.
No signal.
Who are you calling?
I don't know, man. 911?
We need some help.
What are you gonna tell them?
Our stolen taxi got stolen?
Wait, you have a better idea?
No.
Not yet, but I'm not a quitter.
I'm finishing this thing.
Finishing what, Korkin?
You don't even play beer pong.
We're in deep shit here, man,
and it's all your fault,
so you better start praying
we get out of this somehow.
You want me to pray?
You want me to pray?
Fine!
Here I am praying that Jake can
squeeze a fucking pot brownie
from his rectum.
Please, God.
Here I am praying that Arash
isn't devoured by goats.
Here I am praying that the
aliens return Andy's balls,
so he can be a man and dump
his lame-ass girlfriend!
Here I am praying
for a miraculous rescue
before the cops
take us all to jail!
Amen! Is that good
enough for you?
You guys okay?
Wow.
Wow.
No. We're not, actually.
We're in big trouble.
Would you believe
our van got stolen?
That sucks. Were you
just at the retreat?
Why, yes!
Yes, we were at the retreat.
We were retreating.
But now we're here,
alone in the wilderness,
all by ourselves.
Well, we could give you guys a
ride to the next town, I guess.
That would be mighty kind.
We're headed to Nashville.
We're from Arkansas.
We go right through there.
Thank God you stopped.
Well, you see four guys praying
by the side of the road,
and you kind of
feel obligated, you know?
Hello.
Is your friend okay?
I'm fine.
Much better now.
I can totally hear myself blink.
Think.
So, do you guys
wanna go to the cops?
No.
Yeah, that car sucked, anyway.
Yeah, it's insured.
So, what's next?
Party, dumb-ass.
Jake's baggie burst.
He's stoned and happy.
Even Ass-rash here
might get laid.
Nobody's getting laid.
Hate to tell you this, but this is
a church retreat about chastity.
What the hell is chastity?
Abstinence from
sexual intercourse.
What?
Abstinence from
sexual intercourse.
No sex until marriage.
Well, that's fucking perfect.
I'm a devout heathen, you're
gonna cheat on your girlfriend
with a beer pong model, Jake's
stoned out of his fucking gourd,
and Ass-rash here is a Muslim.
I am Hindu, asshole.
Is there a difference?
And if you
call me Ass-rash again,
I will rip off your arm
and I will bitch-slap you
with your own hand.
Just a joke, man.
No need to go all
third world on me.
Wow, is that your van?
Let go!
Wow.
No. No.
No.
That one's a taxi.
No.
Ready? Okay.
Okay, you got this.
I got this.
All right.
My name's Sarah.
Korkin.
What's your first name?
People call me Korkin.
So, Sarah,
have you ever been tempted
to break the chastity code?
I sure have.
Well, Korkin, my father,
people call him Reverend.
He founded
the Chastity Movement.
So, does that
answer your question?
Yeah. Guess so.
Good.
Now I've got one for you.
What's the deal?
I saw you duck
when we passed the cops.
Okay. Okay.
I like you,
so I'm gonna do something here
that I never really do, ever,
and tell the truth.
You better,
or you're going
to be finding another ride.
We weren't
at any retreat. No.
Andy and Jake are
actually beer pong players
from the University of Ithaca,
and technically
I'm their manager,
but really I just tag along
to cause trouble.
We're trying to get to
Atlanta for Nationals,
but we've got to go
through Nashville first
so that Andy can hook up
with a beer pong model.
And our stolen van...
I mean, our van was stolen by that
chick after she robbed a store
and got us shot at.
That's it.
So will you take us?
To Nashville or Atlanta?
Both?
Road trip?
Road trip!
Road trip!
Yes!
Yeah.
♪ Philosophy ♪
♪ Is the talk on a cereal box ♪
♪ Religion ♪
Hmm.
What?
Come on.
♪ I'm not aware
of too many things ♪
♪ I know what I know,
if you know what I mean ♪
♪ D-doo yeah ♪
What's wrong?
Nothing. I just feel
a little out of place.
Girl, please, chill out.
Here.
Have some fun. I mean, these girls
are all really, really close.
That's pretty close.
So what I didn't tell you is,
we're all LUGs.
You're what?
Lesbians Until Graduation.
Okay. I'm confused about a
lot of things right now,
but I'm pretty sure
that I'm still straight.
Yeah, okay. That's what I
said my first time, too.
Andrew.
Hey, Jenna.
So, we're on the road.
Did you find another bus
full of models to play with?
Yeah, but they only do
cornhole tournaments.
You Americans and your corn.
Anyway, my friends, they start
to think you are my fantasy.
Well, I am, right?
Your fantasy?
Of course, Mon amour.
Since our last kiss
that tragic day,
you have been my one thought,
my one breath, my one dream.
No pregnancy. No VD,
and let me just say, women
know how to love other women.
That's the LUG life, baby.
Yeah, I bet the initiation
ceremony is a whole lot of fun.
So, are you seeing anyone?
Other then drunk college boys
with beer breath
and bad hair? No.
And you?
With your music career, you
must meet many beautiful women.
Totally, all the time.
I mean, too many to choose from, really.
It's crazy.
How nice of you to fit me into your
busy schedule, monsieur Casanova.
Well, we do have
some unfinished business,
if I recall correctly.
Indeed we do.
Indeed we do.
I'm not saying
you gotta LUG it out.
I mean, how long has it been
since you haven't
had a boyfriend?
Since about the sixth grade.
Girl, please.
How you supposed to be sure about
this guy unless you look around?
And how do you know he's not
doing the same damn thing
while he's out on his
mysterious little trip?
Thank you for using
Auto Service System.
My name is Sujatmi.
How may I help you?
Sujatmi is a lovely name.
My name is Arash.
I'm from Tandoor.
Oh, my God!
Sujatmi, I'm so lonely.
Arash, that is so sad.
Sujatmi, I have not spoken
with a Tandoori female
in many, many a moon.
That is a long time, Arash.
Is this a dream?
Is this reality?
No, this is all a fantasy.
Okay.
Are you ready?
For fantasy?
Yes. Yes.
Yes.
What are you wearing?
I'm wearing
a very stylish shirt.
I'm also wearing some pajamas
with squirrels, pink squirrels.
What are you wearing?
A sari.
A sari.
I bet it is a lovely sari.
What color is it?
Well, here I am, Arash.
Here I am.
Your voice is
so lovely right now.
Are you hot?
Yes, I am so hot.
Oh.
Are you hot?
I'm very, very hot.
So hot there is literally
a fire in my pants.
How big is the fire?
I'd say three to four-alarmer.
It's a big one.
Why don't you blow it out?
I can't. I can't. It's too big.
Please.
You have put
a spell on my banana.
Yes. Is it peeling?
It is peeling.
It is ripe.
Yes.
Right now, you're so tight,
I need to loosen you up.
You caveman.
I will take you and,
with a club,
beat you on the head
and bring you to my cave.
Hibernate in the winter.
Yes. Yes.
It's very dirty. I do not wipe anything.
Yes. Yes.
There's stuff everywhere.
I will bathe you.
You are the man.
Do you like the loofah?
I do.
I will loofah your behind.
Smother you with lather.
I am playing with my banana.
If you were in a field right
now, I would till it.
No one has tilled it before.
No one has tilled you?
No. Maybe.
I just want Tandoori boobiebs.
That's me.
Arash, Arash, Sujatmi is here.
Sujatmi, I will take you home,
I will put you on my bed...
Oh, God.
...and then I will...
All over your place.
Sujatmi.
Arash.
Sujatmi, touch it, touch it.
Arash.
Oh.
Touch it good.
Oh, Arash!
I am playing the pied piper.
Arash.
Arash. Arash.
Peel the banana.
Do you like the baby
gravy on your mashed potatoes?
What did you do?
It appears you
have had an accident.
Arash, what was that?
Oh.
Arash hit a wild boar
during his telephone orgasm,
and it got stuck under the bus.
You killed it.
I just ejaculated.
Lick my balls.
But they decided to leave it
there in case they got hungry.
Kind of like when you're
fishing and you get hungry,
so you decide to eat some worms.
What? Fish eat them.
That's all
very fascinating, Kyle,
but I'd rather hear
more about you.
No, not me.
In fact, my heart is racing.
I want to hear the end.
Please?
So, our group was
back on the move.
All right, Arash.
You're coming?
I'm up.
Okay. Done.
I've got the gas.
You got it?
Yeah.
All right, grab it.
Okay, cool.
Okay, go under my arm.
Okay.
Got it.
Arash, come on, man.
That's disgusting.
What's new, virgins?
We need to stop, okay?
We're hungry, we're grubby,
and this bus smells
like rancid bacon.
You got a little
eye booger there.
Where are we?
We had to make a little stop.
For the night.
Korkin, what'd you do now?
It's more like,
what am I going to do now?
Right now, I'm facing the greatest
challenge of my young life.
Sarah is the daughter
of the preacher
who founded
Chastity Until Marriage.
We pull this off,
we are talking legendary.
Biblical.
So where are we?
Getting lucky in Kentucky.
Where is my Katy's honey?
Momma Hartman?
There you are, sweetie.
I have missed you so much.
Well, come on
off this smelly bus.
I am just so glad that my
Katy called and let me know
that you boys
needed a crash pad.
Everybody grab a shower.
Ladies first.
Go on, go on. You know where it is.
Go on. There you go.
In the meantime, I'm gonna
figure out something for supper.
What in the world is...
Oh, my gosh.
There's fried chicken
with all the fixings,
and veggie lasagna for all
you poor non-meat eaters,
and, Arash, honey, I
didn't know what you are,
so I made you some enchiladas
and some Pad Thai
and some Baba Ghanoush.
We eat goat testicles.
Ah.
Delicious.
You boys look so spiffy.
You look spiffy, too.
I am so glad I didn't get rid
of Papa Hartman's old clothes.
This is wrong.
This is so wrong.
We were nearby.
I had to improvise.
And by the way,
Katy said to give her a ring.
What?
You should call her.
May I have everyone's attention?
I wanna show y'all something.
These are my two beautiful oldest
daughters, Katrina and Kerry,
and their wonderful husbands.
And then this is
for my Katy and Andy.
Hopefully someday soon!
Aw.
Isn't that sweet?
Andy! Well, this just calls
for a toast, doesn't it?
Yes! Toast.
To the future happy couple.
Cheers.
That's so sweet.
Beer pong 101.
See what happens?
Ready? All right.
This is the face-off.
Look into her eyes and be ready.
A toast.
To the ponging of the balls.
Cheers!
Cheers!
Nice!
Oh, my gosh.
No, they can judge you.
No, they can't.
That's not very judgmental.
Is that your thing?
Yes.
Here.
She's talking shit about you guys.
She's talking shit.
Okay, so I'm here not
hearing from you all day,
and you have that asshole Korkin
calling me for a place to stay?
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. He stole
my phone when I was asleep.
Impressive.
Yeah, I know
many survival skills.
Yeah, sure.
Andy, why aren't you in Georgia,
and what's with
the busload of girls?
Well, we had to hitch a ride.
Got a little detoured.
But the Chastity Girls
are harmless.
The Chastity Girls?
It's a church group, sort of.
Anyway, I'm in your room.
Right.
Safe and sound.
Sex without love
dooms relationships,
because people
spend more time screwing
than really getting
to know each other.
Nice.
Oh, my gosh.
Did I just do that?
Yes!
Bye.
So then, is sex without love
the same thing
as premarital sex?
People have
different definitions.
So what is yours?
I've never really
had the chance to decide.
Most guys don't have the balls
to go after
a preacher's daughter,
despite our reputation
for being naughty.
I got your anniversary present.
Already?
Yeah, Korkin sent me the link.
In The Buff? It's all over YouTube.
I can't believe you did that.
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ To sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff! ♪
Korkin!
Andy!
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
Half a million people, man.
It's a top-featured
video on YouTube.
I know.
Now the whole world knows
you have no balls.
That's still not funny.
It's never been funny.
Dude, chill.
I'm your promoter, right?
I did my job. I made you a big star.
Now when Jenna sees Big A,
your little story
will seem legit.
I don't know about Jenna.
I mean, Katy, she's so amazing.
She transferred just for me.
Just see it through.
When you get to Jenna,
you'll know what to do.
Remember, this is a vision
quest, a rite of passage.
A road trip.
A road trip, yes, it is!
Now go away.
Leave me the fuck alone, please.
I'm on a mission here.
It's true, I walked down
the streets of Tandoori City,
I look in the monkey eyes,
and I say,
"You are right.
There are no virgins here."
What are the...
Too much caffeine.
Wanna get hot and sticky?
Arash, honey, I found a
pair of pants for you.
Thank you, and thank you
for the wonderful meal.
It was my pleasure, hon.
But I know your mom
could have done it better.
No.
Your Baba Ghanoush surpassed
that of my
father's finest cooks,
and actually, ma'am,
I don't have a mother.
My father wouldn't
allow me to meet her
for fear we would
conspire to kill him
and assume
the throne of Tandoor.
I'm gonna tell you what I used
to tell my children
every single day.
Your daddy's an asshole.
Now you come here to me.
Come on.
You have got a mama now.
Yes, you do!
You're my mama.
Yes, I am your mama.
You're my son.
Oh...
Let it out.
Let it out.
Asshole!
Yeah. There you go.
There you go.
You are the hole in the ass.
Yeah, that's better.
Rectal chamber.
Yeah.
Dungeon of poo.
I know all about competitive
and domineering parents,
so if you decide to come
to Ithaca, I can help.
Thank you, Kyle.
That's so sweet.
Lydia, let's go.
We're leaving right now!
No, Mother.
I'm staying.
And you know what?
Leave me alone,
or I swear to God,
I will go to Cornell,
and it will cost you
a fucking fortune.
Good job.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Here you go.
Safe trip.
Right, now you eat something.
Munchies!
And, Arash, honey, I gave you a little
extra helping of Baba Ghanoush.
You just call me anytime,
you hear me?
Yes.
I wish you birthed me.
I'm sorry for
flooding your toilets.
Oh.
Andrew.
Listen, I don't know what's
going on between you and Katy,
but just be honest
with each other.
Hey.
Okay.
It was good to see you.
It was great seeing you.
Oh.
And I jacked up
the front of the bus
and cut that hog
right out of there.
Well, enjoy your ham
sandwiches, everybody.
Bye!
See you.
Bye!
Bye!
Bye! Bye!
Okay. Stay safe.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have reached our
final destination.
Prepare to get your pong on!
You throw like a girl!
Two times, you cannot hit
even a small target?
One more strike...
Jenna!
...and you're out
if I'm not in, baby!
So much has changed.
You're now so big and strong.
I'll take over.
Looks like you need a break.
Thanks. Hurry, come with me.
Hello, everyone.
This is my friend Andy.
You probably have seen
a lot of him on the net.
And he is here today especially
to perform his new
song In The Buff!
In The Buff!
In The Buff! In The Buff!
In The Buff! In The Buff!
♪ After five years of love ♪
♪ This song's just not enough ♪
♪ So I decided
I won't be denied ♪
♪ And I'll sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
Oh, my God!
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to sing it in the buff ♪
Thank you!
Thank you, my Andy.
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
What do you see?
An amazingly gorgeous girl
who once made
a really dorky American
feel cool before
falling out of a hay loft.
So let's see it.
Whoa.
Not too bad for a cadaver.
Hello.
Andy's song inspired me.
Oh, sweet God!
Hello!
But I'm having a little
trouble with this bra.
So did I.
Here, you know what,
let me help you.
You know what you do
when someone has a boo-boo?
Kiss it. Make it better.
I've dreamed of
this so many times.
Were they, how do you
say, the water dreams?
Yeah.
Sometimes twice a day.
♪ In the buff ♪
♪ In the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to sing it in the buff ♪
Thank you!
Thank you, my Andy.
Take it off for Andy!
I can't.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
It's...
It's complicated.
Perhaps it's better that way,
because I must leave, anyway.
You know how I was hoping
for the next step on the ladder?
Well, it came.
A big agency saw me
for a shoot in Paris.
That's great.
You deserve it.
Yeah.
But always remember, when those
crazy model bitches attack...
♪ Don't you crack,
don't you crack ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby,
Big A's got your back ♪
♪ Big A's got your back ♪
My Andrew.
Whatever happens,
your complication
is a very lucky girl.
How about some of this?
And then that?
You're gonna go down.
You're going to go downtown.
Take the train.
Yes, you want some?
Here we go. Yes, here we go!
Step it up.
Yeah?
You lied to me, Andy.
You really were freaked out. So
maybe after five years of love,
instead of getting in the buff,
you should have
just told me the truth.
Have fun with your
French beer bitch.
Liar.
Korkin? God...
Dude! What? This is
becoming a very bad habit.
We gotta leave, man.
Now. Come on.
You couldn't do it, could you?
No, I could have.
But I didn't.
Then that's why we came here, right?
To find out?
No, no. You wanted to come here.
I didn't want to come here.
I swear, if you didn't have a boner
right now, I'd kick your ass.
It's pretty intimidating, huh?
You know what?
He probably didn't mention
that screwing you
would be the biggest challenge
of his life, did he?
"Biblical,"
if I recall correctly.
Biblical, huh?
No.
Let's see about that.
She won't answer
any of my calls.
Who?
All right.
I was just checking.
I taught him the Tandoori
national anthem.
And we found weed.
We encountered a Tandoori
team from Harvard.
And they wanna scrimmage us.
They gave us
these glorious fatties
to celebrate the imprisonment
of Captain Mother Bitch
Bag of Douche, my father.
Yeah, and by the way,
I finally took a shit.
And get this,
the weed was gone...
But where did it go?
...and in its place
was a turd in a baggie!
The human body is truly
an amazing machine.
We have to go.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your three-time defending
national champion,
Raz-R!
And last but not least, representing
the University of Ithaca,
North-East regional
champions, Hagan Hall!
What up, Fake?
Ready to be exposed
as the burnout, scraggily,
Sasquatch-looking fraud you are?
I will bitch-slap the...
Hey, hey, hey.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I got nothing, bro.
Sorry.
You got nothing
because you are nothing.
Why don't you go back
to your dorm where it's safe?
Let the big dog eat!
Take your places...
You ready for this?
Totally. I'm fine.
...for the Beer Pong Nationals.
Brought to you by
Beer Pong America.
And now, round one.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Yeah. I actually
invented that trick.
Round two, the quarterfinals.
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Dude, you suck.
You'll never make it.
So close.
Hurricane Jake.
Booya!
The Pong America Semifinals.
Okay. How do you do?
You want a piece of this?
Okay, okay, okay!
That's not really
playing fair, is it?
Don't even...
Taxi!
Damn.
Excuse me?
Where's Andy?
The complication.
You're a lucky girl.
He's inside.
Any more weed?
The Tandooris have been smoking
since they lost
in the first round,
and now they're
completely tapped out.
That's gonna be a problem.
All right, guys.
This is it.
I want a good clean match, okay?
No contact whatsoever.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jake, you know what happens
when you drink too much.
Lost my high, bro.
I gotta do something.
All right.
Nice, Jake.
No surprises, okay? It's us
against Raz-R and Jabba.
Now, hey,
if Jake wins possession,
we have to hit every throw
'cause they will not miss.
I know. Okay.
Okay?
Get your shit straight.
Okay. Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Ready?
Ready.
All right, do your thing.
Okay.
Katy?
I swear, nothing happened.
It doesn't matter.
Okay, okay, something happened.
Something little. I kissed her
on the lips and the toes...
Andy.
...and the whole general foot
and ankle area...
Andy, it's okay. You made a mistake.
I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have transferred.
I'm gonna go back to CMU.
And then things can
go back to normal?
Our weekly virtual thing? 'Cause
I really like the Skype sex.
How about you could just be
my hometown guy for a while,
and we'll see
each other on breaks?
Christmas, summer...
Hey!
Hey.
Hey, Katy.
It's good to see you.
Listen, buddy, it's game time.
I know.
Just one minute. Okay?
You know what?
Actually, I gotta go.
No, no, no. It's the finals.
Please stay.
Look, I really want you here.
Beer Pong America National
finalists, take your positions.
Winner take all.
Good luck.
Thanks.
And may the best team win.
Tournament rules apply, and the
decision of the judge is final.
The winner will be
undisputed world champions.
All right. This is it.
Trick shot for possession.
Peons, plebes
and punk-ass bitches.
Miss it. Miss it!
We're fucked.
Thank you very much.
Bring it, Fake.
What you got?
I'll tell you what I got.
God damn it!
Possession, Raz-R Bax.
Don't worry, boys. It's gonna
be quick and painless.
You. You and me!
This is ridiculous.
Hey, Raz-R!
Why don't you just take
a little peek at that?
Kiss it. Love it.
You want a little piece of that?
Make a wish. Rub it. The
genie will come out, baby.
Fuck that shit.
How about that? You want it?
You like that?
You hungry for that?
We rack!
Are you serious? Golly!
How do you like that, son?
That's real questionable, buddy.
Forgot to wipe.
All right.
Don't worry about it, guys.
Let's go!
Let's go, Jake!
Tandoori time!
Whoa, whoa.
Ref, time out!
Thirty-second time out,
Hagan Hall from Ithaca.
Everybody, gather around.
Let's bow our heads, close
our eyes, and let's pray.
You gotta be kidding me.
Are you serious, man?
It worked for you, didn't it?
Yeah.
This is a fucking joke.
Bounce it at them.
Finish them off.
Nice stop, Raz-R Bax.
Ball's to Hagan Hall.
Suck it!
Kiss it now, big boy.
Kiss it now.
Ready? Ready? All right. Let's
send these bitches home.
You cool?
Yeah. I'm fine.
Shoot, freak.
I'm waiting.
Are you guys seeing this?
It went in!
Yes! It went in!
Fuck you!
Yeah!
Yeah!
No!
Hey, Jake.
Is he out?
He never has to drink this much, man.
He's got zero tolerance.
Fucking amateurs.
Even if you get it in,
it's over.
No subs allowed.
He's right. The rule is, if your
partner can't shoot, you forfeit.
Maybe you wanna sing your little
swan song first, In The Buff.
Be my guest.
It's all yours.
Hagan Hall,
resume play or forfeit.
Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up!
Thought you were with him.
No. He was
just a distraction.
Raz-R, you're the man.
Wait, what did she just say?
What did she just say?
She said I'm the man.
What?
Game over, asshole!
What? What?
Dude!
Okay, okay, not bad, Katy.
Not bad at all.
I thought you said girlfriends
and beer pong don't mix.
No.
Welcome to the show, honey.
I thought you said you were
just my hometown honey.
We've got to find more weed.
And that's how Ithaca won its first
national sports championship.
Wait, well, what
happened to everybody?
Well, Andy tried to follow
up his YouTube success In The Buff
with the Beer Pong Song.
It ended up a one-hit wonder,
and his 15 minutes of fame
only lasted 15 minutes.
Katy regained her scholarship.
She and Andy hooked up
on Thanksgiving
and Christmas and summer break,
and that time he came home
for his great aunt's funeral.
Having met the perfect girl,
Arash returned to Ithaca,
got a job
and worked his
way through college.
But before he could commit,
he had to take her home to
Kentucky to Momma Hartman's field.
He needed Momma Hartman to teach
Sujatmi how to "till it."
Jake now coaches Ithaca's
National Champion Beer Pong Team,
and we petitioned
to make it an Olympic sport.
And Korkin found the one girl
worth being doused with
concentrated urine and feces.
Good for him.
And as for me,
I will remain at Ithaca,
an ever vigilant PUSE
proudly serving our students,
until I can get a real job
or until my dad dies.
Any questions?
Yeah.
Could you tell me
where those LUGs hang out?
♪ Buff ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ After five years of love ♪
♪ This song's just not enough ♪
♪ So I decided I won't be denied
and I'll sing it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to do it in the buff ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ When I sing this song ♪
♪ It's just like making love ♪
♪ And I can't fake it,
I'm totally naked ♪
♪ I'm singing in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to do it in the buff ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Buff ♪
♪ We just wanna, yeah,
we just wanna be naked ♪
♪ Naked ♪
♪ We don't want to, no,
we don't want to wear clothes ♪
♪ Wear clothes ♪
♪ We just wanna, yeah,
we just wanna be naked ♪
♪ Naked ♪
♪ We don't want to, no,
we don't want to wear clothes ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to do it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough ♪
♪ In the buff, in the buff ♪
♪ Girl, it ain't so tough
to do it in the buff ♪
♪ To do it in the buff ♪
♪ To do it in the buff ♪
♪ To do it in the buff ♪
♪ In the buff ♪