Road Hard (2015) - full transcript

Now, more "Morning Sickness"

with Dicky and Sludge.

7:35 a.m.,
that's 35 minutes past the hour,

25 minutes
till the top of the hour...

Hey, Dicky,

we got a real live celebrity
in here with us.

- Yes, we do.
- You all know him

- from the "Bro Show"...
- "Bro Show"!

"Dude, Where's My Beer?"
and "Dude, Where's My Beer? 4."

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bruce Madsen is here!

- Bruce!
- Yeah, hey.



- So, Bruce, how are you, man?
- Good, good, man.

The last time I saw you, Bruce,
you were with all those celebrities,

you were raising barns.

- What was the name of that show?
- "Celebrity Barn Raising."

"Celebrity Barn Raising."
I loved it.

But there was that mulatto chick.
Oh, my God, what was her name?

I don't think you can say
"mulatto."

Hey, Bruce Madsen will be
at Hilarities Thursday through Sunday.

Jack Taylor...
What is going on with that guy?

- He's "en fuego."
- On fire, he is.

So what about your old partner, man?

He's hosting the Emmys.
What's the deal?

- This guy can't stop, right?
- He's, you know, a talented guy.

- I knew it when I met him.
- A long time ago, huh?



Yeah, I said, "This is the guy."

Do you, like, ask him for loans?

No, I... I... well, you know, we...

That's what I would do.
I'd be like, "Dude"...

"Dude, where's my money?"

I'm happy doing what I'm doing,
he's happy doing what he's doing,

- and, you know, God bless him.
- And what are you doing?

- I'm doing stand-up, like, you know...
- That's what I hear.

- So, you had this amazing career in TV.
- Mm-hmm.

You obviously did
tons of comedy before.

- Now you're going back to your roots.
- Yeah.

Well, you know, I started off
as a stand-up,

and I drifted away
from my roots for a while...

- You drifted.
- And I wanted to get back

on the road with the fans.

That's where the electricity is.

You know, and I wanted
to experience that rush again.

♪ That truck
is going somewhere ♪

♪ I just can't be sure ♪

♪ And tomorrow's just a day ♪

♪ After all that's gone before ♪

♪ And I always thought
of leaving ♪

♪ I never could stay too long ♪

♪ Now her memory's
catching up ♪

♪ And our sweet dreams
are all gone ♪

♪ Like dust
down a country road ♪

♪ Blowing in the wind
behind an ol' truckload ♪

♪ Up before the rooster crowed ♪

♪ There's an old dog staring
at the dust ♪

♪ Dust down a country road ♪

♪ Blowing in the wind
behind an ol' truckload ♪

♪ Up before the rooster crowed ♪

♪ There's an old dog staring at the dust
down a country road ♪

♪ God, there's an old dog staring
at the dust down a country road. ♪

Addison, Texas,
see the rodeo's in town, yeah?

I like the bull riding.

We should all be
more like the bull, man.

We should all be wired
like that bull,

'cause that bull is living
in the moment, man.

He's living for today.
I mean, think about us.

All we really are
is just an accumulation

of every shitty thing that's
ever happened to us before today.

I don't remember getting married.
I remember getting divorced.

I don't remember when I got
my television show picked up,

I remember
when it was cancelled.

I just remember the bad shit.

But think about the bull.

It's just sitting there, cooped up
in that aluminum pen,

and he's like, "God damn it,
I gotta get free, man!"

And then at some point,
a 140-pound racist from Wyoming

gets lowered down onto his back,
and the bull's confused.

The bull's like, "What the fuck
has happened up there?

What is that?
Shit, there's somebody on me!"

And then that guy
pulls on the rope

and the bull goes, "Fuck, that guy
just yanked on my ballsack!"

"Oh, my God,
am I gonna kill this guy."

And the bull's like, "Oh, man,
if anyone was stupid enough

to ever let me out of this cage,
I would... what?

The door's open?
Holy shit, it's killing time.

I'm going to take this horn,
I'm gonna punch it through your sternum,

I'm gonna wear you
like a maxi pad."

And at the last second,
some guy in Wrangler "shants"

and Robin Williams suspenders
with rainbow paint on his face

pops out and goes,
"Hey, bull, over here!"

And the bull's like,
"Huh?"

"Well, I was gonna... well,
I guess I'll kill this guy instead."

Imagine if every shitty thing
that happened to you,

you just had a rodeo clown for.

"What's that, honey?
You want a divorce?"

"Hey, look over here!"

"What? Huh?
What were we talking about?

You're fucking my brother?
I don't... there was a clown."

Career's going in the fucking toilet,
agent not returning my phone calls,

I'm doing six shows
in a shitbox in Addison, Texas.

Hey, I got a rodeo clown!

Oh, sweetie, I gotta go.

I love you, too.
Okay.

- Hey, great set. Wow.
- Thanks.

So, listen.
Gotta tell you, though,

sad that we didn't quite make
our guarantee.

We didn't make "our" guarantee?
I have a guarantee.

I made my guarantee
when I got on the Southwest flight

and came to Addison, Texas.

- Yeah, but think about how we did.
- We sold out.

Sold out Friday,
we sold out Saturday.

Whoa, whoa... early shows, okay?

Now, the late shows,
eh, about two-thirds.

I gave a lot of radio comps
to get people in the seats,

and we both know about tonight.

You were there.

Oh, fuck.

Mark, I had an $8,000 guarantee.

Yeah, which we did not make.

Listen, don't worry about it.
You'll do better next time.

"Next time"?

Oh, there's not gonna be
a next time, Mark.

L... I guarantee
there's not gonna be a next time.

Do you know that you're booked
for the second week in August?

Tender?

You gotta learn the definition
of "guarantee" and "tender."

Hey!
"Bro Show"!

"Bro Show" was some funny shit.

- Thank you.
- What you been up to, man?

- I'm working.
- Just chillin'?

Don't worry.
Something will come up.

kicks off a huge weekend
with a lot of divisional rivalries.

Somebody's going to the playoffs
and somebody's staying home.

When your mother tells you
to clean your room...

Bienvenidos, hombres!

Se trata de la "Bro Show"!

Me llamo Jack.
Mi mejor amigo es...

What happens when you mix
baked goods with murder?

- Joann Fluke knows.
- All right, that's it, thank you.

That was our first-ever
prime time special.

I hope you guys
had a very good time.

That was the fastest
two hours of my life.

And you know what?

That was the greatest
10 years of my life.

I want to thank my guests
George Clooney,

I wanna thank Zooey Deschanel,
Jamie Foxx, Robert Downey, Jr.,

but most importantly,
I wanna thank you.

You have made
the "Jack Taylor Show"

the number one
late-night talk show.

From the bottom of my heart,
thank you for doing this for me.

- How was the room, Mr. Madsen?
- Exquisite.

Great.

All right, if you could just review this
and sign down there

and then we'll just put a charge on
the card you left when you checked in.

It's charging 250 for cleaning?

Yes. We are a 100%
smoke-free environment.

You initialed the box saying that
you would not smoke in the room.

Yeah, I... I don't smoke.
I didn't smoke.

Well, housekeeping did detect
some smoke in the room, so...

When I came in,
I did smell something,

like somebody had been smoking,

like... ahem... you know,
like secondhand smoke.

It's a courtesy to the next family
who's gonna be in the room.

Right, but maybe they're smokers, too.
Maybe they like it.

Maybe they like
fluffing the pillow, going,

"Finally, some nicotine," you know?

You could just take that off,
you know.

No, I'm sorry, sir, I can't.

You had guaranteed
with your signature

- that you would pay the cleaning fee.
- Right, guaranteed.

- "Guarantee."
- I'm sorry, sir.

Word's been coming up a lot
for me lately.

We are a 100%
smoke-free facility.

Okay, I beat off 46 times
when I was in that room.

46 times.

If you asked a family,
"What would you rather have?

Guy smokes half a light cigarette
in the bathroom

or middle-aged
frustrated comedian

attempts to shatter
his high school jack-off record?"

The bedspread
looks like a Jackson Pollock.

You understand?
But that's free?

No box to check for jacking off?

So, half a light cigarette...
That's $250?

- Your signature, sir...
- Ma'am, would you rather

stay in a room where a guy
just smoked half a cigarette

or tried to jack himself
to death?

Okay. You know what?
You're 100% smoke-free?

- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know.

Maybe it's not quite that high.
Yeah... you're not 100%.

- Sir, please.
- No, I'm gonna smoke

and then you'll be down
to, what, the high 80s?

But not 100.
It can't be 100.

I'm gonna smoke, all right?

Ah...

It's relaxing.

Should we just charge
the second cleaning fee

to the credit card
we have on file?

Hey, Molly.

Miss me, girl?

How you feeling?

Hanging in there?

Sweetie, can you unlock
the door for me?

No. You're not allowed
in here.

Harper, unlock this door
right now

and let me into my house.

Tina?

You're such a pain in the ass,
Harper.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, sweetheart.

Kim told us not to let you in.

Does your mom
tell all your friends

not to let me into my house
that I paid for?

We're under pretty strict orders.

Did you tell him?

We both got into USC.

Oh, great, USC.

The super expensive
private school?

What is that,
like, 50 grand a year?

It's actually $60,000 a year.

Harper, don't you have
something else to do?

Facebook?
Instagramming?

Cutting yourself?

What happened to our plan
to go into UCLA for free?

Dad, I was totally
on board with that plan.

- So what happened?
- Turns out UCLA wasn't.

You're female, you're a minority,
you're a straight-A student.

They gotta take you.

Apparently,
I'm not a minority at UCLA.

Turns out the place
is crawling with Asians.

We need to find a school
that needs Asians.

Pack your bags.
We're going to Grambling.

- Mom wants me to stay local.
- I need a beer.

Come on, Dad.
Don't get me in trouble.

Don't feel like you need to be loyal
to your mom, you know.

We were looking
through those brochures,

she was eyeballing
the Romanian kid.

What's with the O'Doul's?
Where's Chad's Blue Moon?

I think he's on some kind
of master cleanse.

Well, I wish he'd marry
your mother

and stop the "master cleanse"
of my wallet.

And by the way,
I don't trust this Chad.

He's a bad influence.

A shaky role model.

I hate the idea that you're living
under the same roof

as a guy who drinks
nonalcoholic beer.

He's gross, too.

I walked in on him
masturbating in the bathroom.

- Did he know you were at home?
- No, I came home early.

Eh, let's...

Let's not rush to judgment
on that one.

I mean, Chad's a lot of things,
but we'll give him a pass.

I've also been accepted
to three other schools,

but they're pretty far away.

And Mom likes the idea of USC
because I can sleep in my own bed

- whenever I wanted.
- Of course your mom likes USC.

She's like a waiter suggesting
"surf and turf."

It's the most expensive thing
on the menu.

- She's going to USC.
- Fuck off, Harper.

I've actually been offered a pretty
sweet scholarship from Bennington.

For the violin?

I haven't played the violin
since I was nine.

And they still offered you
a scholarship?

- That's unbelievable.
- It's for something I wrote,

but Mom would be pretty bummed
if I moved across the country.

She's gonna be disappointed
no matter what.

I suggest we all stop
tiptoeing around her

like a cat on a hot tin roof,
you know?

We all just have to step up
and look her in the eye.

I mean, that's what I do.

Hello! We're home!

Uh, shit. Okay, I gotta...

- Oh...
- Bye, Dad.

Okay.
Don't tell her I was here.

Bruce is in the house again!

I knew it!

I knew you'd be in the house.

What are you gonna do,
call the Feds?

Good luck making that case.
I pay the property taxes.

Hey, half of that
is Kim's money.

L... listen, Chad, can we just talk,
man to barnacle?

How long you been
living in my house?

- Three and a half years?
- 41 months.

Is that less
than three and a half years?

It's more... it's less.

You sell jewelry on eBay, right?

Custom jewelry
and dream catchers.

I gotta get me
one of those dream catchers.

Those things work.

You caught my dream
of living in my house.

You can sell that crap
anywhere, right?

Hell, yeah.
I'd like to do it in Montana.

Okay, so you don't need
to be in LA.

See, my business forces me
to live in Los Angeles.

You know, Bruce,

for someone who says
they have to be in LA,

I've noticed you spend
a lot of time not in LA.

That house is worth five times
what I paid for it.

Now, if you can
convince Kim to sell it,

I'd be happy to let you
wet your bald beak.

Kim and I don't have
any secrets,

and this is not going to be
one of them.

So this is...

This is gonna be one of the secrets
or not gonna be one of the secrets?

No secrets.

"No secrets."
Okay.

Does Kim know about the time

my daughter walked in
on you beating off?

That's an Iroquois purging ritual.

Yeah, and this is
a fucking Leinenkugel.

Iroquois purging ritual!

You should be comfortable
with your own body!

- Michael.
- Hey!

- What's up, man?
- Where's Phil?

I don't know.
I've been here for a while.

Oh. Thanks.

Black guy beats a Jew to a deli?
This is a first.

This isn't the first time
I arrived before Phil, okay?

Oh, no. We've been
coming here for 15 years.

You've been here before Phil
one time and one time only.

And that's when you forgot
to set your clock back.

All right, come on.
Let's hear it.

Black men... fastest people
on the planet, right?

Slowest pedestrians.

Listen, don't try
your racist material on me.

I'm sure it killed
at the Klan meeting.

You know what I do
when I'm not onstage?

I'm my real self.

I don't try material out
on people

- and use funny voices.
- Understood.

- You see the new waitress?
- No "Maya Angelou."

Waitress?
Ahem.

I would like a BLT...

"Belief, Love and Trust."

Light on the mayo,
heavy on the pride.

Freedom.

Okay, BLT.
And for you?

Spanish omelet,
and then our friend's gonna join us.

- Just get him a bagel and lox.
- I'll put that right in.

My child, I dream of the day
when salt and pepper

will one day live in harmony
and share the same shaker.

Salt, pepper, and Tabasco

will not have to be segregated,

like they are now
on the prison yard.

Okay.
I'll put that order in.

Carry on.
She got it. She got it.

She doesn't know Maya Angelou.
She thinks you're fucking retarded.

- Hey!
- Mr. Producer.

- Hey, Captain Sitcom.
- Good news!

Oh, it's always
good news with Phil, isn't it?

- Bulgaria is in.
- Oh, my God.

You think the road we do sucks?

Have fun in Bulgaria,
Daddy Warbucks.

Oh, I don't have to go anymore.

They just adapt the show
and send the checks.

But... you had to go
to Russia, right?

Yeah, that was miserable.

But then you don't have to go
to Bulgaria?

Well, we just e-mailed them
the old scripts,

and they wire us the money.

Now I have to kill myself.

Hey, enough already
about "Right Behind You."

Finally, enough about
your crappy sitcom.

How about this guy?
Did you tell him?

What?

We were talking about stuff
more important.

Like what?
What's more important?

- Maya Angelou. Ahem.
- Well, tell him.

Well, you tell him.

Michael's pilot is getting shot.

I told you...
"Milk Chocolate"?

It's about the only black dairy farmer
in 1960s Wisconsin.

It's like "Green Acres"
meets "Good Times."

I thought that was a joke.
I thought you were kidding.

You're fucking serious
about this?

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I was gonna tell you,
but I know how depressed you are

when you come off the road,

and I didn't wanna throw it
in your face.

You didn't think I could handle it.
You didn't think I'd be happy for you?

_ Are You?
' Yes!

No!
I mean, I...

I don't know.

I just... you know what?

I'm not even hungry anymore.
Just eat my food.

I gotta talk to Baby Doll.

Sir, I beseech you,

do not throw thyself
on the "swo-ward" of despair.

Uh, now that it's just the two of us,

can you move over there?

Come on, man.

♪ All out like Jenny
did the Super Bowl ♪

♪ All in on these hos
like I'm D Roll ♪

♪ You niggas bug me,
I look better in my street clothes ♪

♪ Pull up... ♪

Baby Doll, hi.

Let me just get rid of someone
on the phone who isn't you.

Listen, I'm standing out...

Sorry-.

Had to just get rid of someone
who's not you.

- Really? Who?
- Well, that was another client.

The more important thing is
he's not you.

I know everyone
on your roster, Baby Doll.

- Who was it?
- He's not you.

He's not as tall as you.

- Who was it?
- Never mind who was it.

Stop with "Who was it?"
It's someone who's not you.

It's someone
who's not funny like you.

Really?
You know I can see you?

You're wearing your stupid
Keith Partridge wig.

Hey, baby doll!

- I saw what you did!
- Guess we don't need these anymore.

So you pretend to have someone
on the other line?

That's your move?

- I do it for you.
- For me? You do it for me?

It's like the boxing trainer
who calls all his fighters "Champ."

- It boosts their confidence.
- You didn't do it five years ago.

You didn't need it
five years ago.

I gotta get off the road.
You gotta get me off the road.

It's killing me.
What happened to those deals?

Remember the holding deals?
Development deals?

Remember those deals
where you just stayed home

and you made a bunch of money
for doing nothing?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

It was staring me in the face
the whole time.

You know what you should do?
You should open for Howie.

Howie Mandel loves you.

That's right, you'd be
the opening act for Howie.

You know why? It's on the road,
but it's the road done right.

The only problem with that
is I'm a thousand times

fucking funnier
than Howie Mandel.

Really?

You think the Who opens
for Air Supply?

Okay, and that makes you the Who
in this analogy?

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm the Who.
- Howie is the Who.

- Howie's not the Who.
- Maybe you are the Who.

Last time I pitched you
at a network, they said, "Who?"

Baby Doll,
you're fucking insane.

I'm insane?

You're sitting
in a handmade house.

You see the new Jaguar in the driveway
when you walked in?

'Course you did.
You want it? 'Course you do.

You know who's up in my bed
right now? Everyone.

You should be thrilled
because you draw so well on the road.

It's 'cause I used to be on TV.

But I don't wanna go
on the road anymore,

so I wanna get back on TV.

So get me back on TV.

Look, don't worry.
We'll come up with something.

I always do.

Now, come on.

You know why you came here?
Let's see it.

Bring it in here.

My guy. Hey...

does one of us
have a hard-on?

So...

you were in the house again?

- I was in my house.
- Let me tell you something.

If you'd spent a little less time
out here when we were married,

you might still be living
in the house.

I spoke to Tina and she said
that you were encouraging her

to go to school
3,000 miles away.

I was encouraging her
to go to a school I could afford.

- She wants to go to USC.
- Well, USC is 60 grand a year.

Well, can't you get another TV show?

Another TV show?

Why didn't I think of that?

Well, maybe you need to start
thinking more creatively.

I mean, look at that guy...
That... that... "Tosh.0" guy.

- Look at him.
- Thanks for making my point.

I gotta compete with every
23-year-old YouTube Internet star

and his talking fucking orange.

What do they need me for?

Well, you better think
of something, okay?

'Cause I'm not having
my little girl... my baby...

Go to school 3,000 miles away.

Right, because you wouldn't
be able to justify

living in 5,500 square feet
with "Lord Sitar."

What are you talking about?

Sell.
Just sell.

You're living in a giant ATM

and the PIN code
is "Move your ass out."

This is Tina's home, okay?

And I am not selling it
out from under her.

- So this is just about Tina?
- Yes, it is.

Okay.
By the way, you look different.

Did you do something
to your hair?

Well...

May we have your attention?
We'd like to point out

our safety features.
To properly fasten your seat belts...

- Hey.
- Hey.

I think you're in my seat.

Oh, am I?
I kinda like the window.

Are you cool
with my sitting here?

- What's the difference, right?
- Thanks very much, man.

- I appreciate it.
- We're going to the same place.

Come here, baby.

Good boy.

- Do you like dogs?
- Yeah, I love dogs.

In yards... on the ground,
you know?

That's normally where he likes to be.
He doesn't like to be confined.

This is Raffles.
He's a service dog.

What's the service he provides?

- He's an antianxiety dog.
- Mm-hmm.

He helps you.
See how he's just calm?

Yeah. You just want to fly
with your pet, right?

No, he's certified.

- He's a working...
- He's "certified."

You gave your doctor $50
and he certified him.

You don't even know my dog.
I mean, you barely even met.

Well, what about my anxiety?

I have anxiety about flying with dogs.
How about that?

I get a service pelican?

Hey, I want you to meet Gilligan,
my service pelican.

What about
when the dog defecates?

He's gotta defecate
at some point, right?

- What happens when you defecate, sir?
- I don't shit in the aisle.

Aw, looks like we have a cute little
furry traveler with us today.

Say hi. Hi!

Sir, I'm gonna need you to go ahead
and stow the backpack on the floor

underneath the seat
in front of you. Thanks.

So, I gotta put the backpack

under the seat in front of me,

but the furry, farting,
Lyme disease-spreading,

shedding mutt...

That can just stay on the gut
the whole flight?

- Can we switch back?
- I'm good.

How's the batting average
with the hotel key card?

For me, way under 50%.

Are you guys optimistic like me

where you punch it in,
you pull it out,

the red light comes on and you go,
"Fuck it, I'm going anyway"?

It's just like "ka-chunk."

Like, "What?
It didn't work?"

And then you do this move...
"I'll just wipe this bad boy."

Oh, yeah.
10 seconds of super denim.

Now it's gonna spring to life.
Push it in, pull it out again.

Red light again.
"Ka-chunk." Doesn't work.

And you know they're gonna
make it your fault.

- Key card's not working.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

The cell phone will demagnetize
the little strip on the key card.

So if you can,
you wanna keep those things

apart from one another.

- Do you carry a cell phone?
- Cell phone?

I don't believe
I know what that is.

Oh, it's one of those kind
that don't have the cord on it?

I think I have one, but I don't...
I don't bring it outside the house.

Why would you want
one of those when you travel?

And then she tosses it
back on you again.

Do you have a credit card
in your wallet?

I have a credit card.
It's in a Mason jar.

It's buried in my backyard.
I don't travel with it.

I wasn't born yesterday.

You wanna try and keep those
apart from one another, if you can.

"You know what?
You're right, sweetheart.

I really should have just
duct-taped it to a mop handle...

and carried it over my fucking head
when I went out to dinner that night."

And this one...

You might have used it
too quickly.

- Did you go straight to your room?
- Oh, boy.

I got egg on my face.
I went right to the room.

I'm one of these maniacs that
when you say, "There's your elevator.

You're on the fifth floor,"
I just go to the elevator.

"Normally when I check in,

you know, I'll hit
a local homeless shelter,

maybe swing by the park
and blow a tranny.

You're right, I should have killed
at least seven hours

before I had any business
going to my fucking room

and beating...
I mean, taking a nap."

And my agent said I need to get
my eyebrows waxed, you know.

Or... sorry, my eyebrow waxed,
you know,

so I have two of 'em
when I go out on auditions.

So I went into the waxing place.

They said, "What shape
do you want them in?"

And I said, "What do you mean?"

They said, "We'll shape 'em.
What shape do you want 'em in?"

And I said, "Oh, just shape 'em
so it looks like I'm interested."

You know, that way,
when my wife comes home

and starts telling me
about her coworker with a cat,

- you know, I'm already...
- Bruce, you're divorced.

Yeah.

I guess it didn't work.

Here you go.

You know, my son,
he loves those "Bro Show" DVDs.

I bet you get a nice slice
of that action?

You'd think
if you'd create and star

in a show that you get a nickel
on the back end?

No. I make a fucking penny
on those things.

But you know that. I'm here.
I'm playing your shitbox, right?

Hey, guess what.
The job ain't over.

You gotta do a meet-and-greet
with those radio contest winners.

Aw, fuck.

- All right, let's get this over with.
- Come on.

There you go.
Right over here.

Well!
This is a surprise.

- Look at you.
- Great show. I'm Sarah.

Yeah. I'm Bruce.

You're... you're the contest winner.

I'm actually...

"Bro Show"!

- Oh, my God.
- Is this the winner?

- That's her.
- Yeah, Bruce!

Makes sense. Yeah.

Hey, if you don't shit,
you don't have to wash your hands.

I'm Jane.
I learned that from the "Bro Show."

- And she's drunk.
- She's drunk?

- But I love you.
- All right, but you own it.

So what did they make you do, 'cause
you gotta jump through some hoops

to win those tickets...
Like "caller 107."

No, I just called in.

But, like, hair-trigger
finger dial, pow!

Like you gotta jump on it, right?

- No, I just called in.
- "For the phrase that pays."

No. I got home,
I made some salsa,

and they said,
"Do you want six?"

And I was like,
"Pfft! No! Two is good."

- They offered you six tickets?
- Yeah.

I just called 'em up, you know?
They wanted... my mom...

- I understand that now. Okay.
- Okay.

- You guys are an unlikely duo.
- Yeah. We used to work together.

I had to drag her out.
Like, she don't wanna come.

- I had to drag her with me.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- She had a good time.
- Now I'll be driving us home.

After you come to the bar
and get a drink.

- Huh? Come on. No?
- No, no, no.

It's a really long drive.
We should get going.

- This one lives in the sticks.
- Oh, yeah. I live in New Hampshire.

New Hampshire?
No state income tax.

Yeah, that's right,
the "Live Free or Die" state.

Right, but I'm guessing
about midwinter,

the second choice
seems like a better option.

- All right.
- Here we go.

Okay. You gonna come by
my house?

Okay, come on.
Nice to meet you.

- All right. Hey.
- Bye.

- Good to meet you.
- I love you.

Hey, buddy.

Hey!

There he is.
My man!

So good to see ya.

Wow, my gosh, you look thin.

Airline portions.

Hey, we should get a steak
at Mastro's soon.

Let's do it. Any night.
I'm free.

Not now. You know, another time
when I'm not so slammed.

- I'm really busy. Yeah.
- Right.

Hey, have a seat.
Have a seat, sit down.

Sit down, my man.

So, what do I owe the pleasure?

I need a favor.

All right, how much do you need?

- I don't need money.
- You don't need money?

I heard you were living
in your garage.

It's a garage, but I turned it
into a guest house.

I just wanna be close to Tina.

No, I was just thinking...

you know,
I got a ton of new material

and it's been forever
since I've been on your show.

Yeah, definitely.
Definitely.

Let me... let me run it
up the flagpole, okay?

But you're the flagpole.

No. Hey, man, when we moved to 11:30,
everything changed.

Everything goes
through the network now.

The network is the flagpole.

But I'll tell you what.
I'll run it up the network flagpole.

- Sit tight. You comfortable?
- Yeah.

You should be, man.
You're my man.

They're so much heavier
than you think they're gonna be.

- Yeah.
- My man, I have great news.

So what night
are we talking about?

What night?

Every night.

Every night?

You come to work
on the "Jack Taylor Show"

every single night,

Monday through Friday...
Every night.

Cohost?

Announcer?

It's the "Jack Taylor Show."

I'll just be like a sniper
in the weeds

just throwing in zingers.

I meant more... you come...

Okay, you... you do stand-up
before the show.

On your feet, telling jokes
in front of a live audience,

you know, audience...
Audience warm-up guy.

You want me to warm up
your audience?

Of course.
I'd be honored.

Audience warm-up guys
make a lot of money, Bruce.

You want me to be
your fluffer, Jack?

That's fucking humiliating.

I can't believe this is
how you look at me.

I don't look at you
that way, Bruce.

- That's how the business looks at you.
- Then fuck the business.

I don't get you, man.

You think this business

is like a "punt, pass, and kick"
competition

where all that matters is being funnier
than everybody else.

Isn't that what it's about,
being funny?

Wake the fuck up, Bruce.

Funny has, like, a little bit
to do with it... this much.

It's like the figure skating
compulsories.

You go around, you do a figure eight,
yeah, that's cool.

But what you're judged on
in this business is the long program.

You're using figure skating
analogies, Jack?

- You've changed, buddy.
- You haven't, Bruce.

You never wanted
to put in the work.

The real work...

of building a career.

So instead, what do you do?
You hide behind your rebel flag?

You're fucking
"Cliché Guevara," man.

I'm offering you a job, Bruce.

It's a good job.

Take the job!

Audience warm-up?

I'd rather kill myself.

Who wants Jelly Bellies?

Sir, I can see you brought
your own jelly belly.

Are you a big Jack Taylor fan?

Not really.
I'm just here to see Rise Against.

Just here to see the band, huh?

Not here to see
my buddy Jack Taylor, huh? All right.

Well, I'll ask Jack
to power through the monologue

so we can get the band
out here for ya.

Yeah, and while you're at it,
be sure to ask him for another job.

Like, maybe he needs
his balls waxed.

Oh!

All right, yeah,
that's good stuff

coming from a guy
who's wearing Crocs.

The thing about Crocs is, uh...

it's a lot like being blown
by a dude.

It feels great until you look down
and realize you're gay.

Hey, fuck you, man!

- My brother's gay.
- Relax, chill out.

Are you guys ready
for your headliner?

You will recognize him
from the "Bro Show"

and his many appearances
on "Jack Taylor Live."

He was a nationally syndicated
radio show host.

He was a "New York Times"
best-selling author.

You may remember him
from "Dude, Where's My Beer?"

He is the voice of Toe Jam on
Saturday morning's "Rumpus Rompers."

He was named by "Rolling Stone"
as a top-100 comedian of 1999.

Please give a warm
"Wonkers" welcome

to the first runner-up
on "Celebrity Barn Raising,"

Mr. Bruce Madsen!

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks so much for coming...

Coming out with, uh...

What do we got going here?

Oh, uh, the hearing impaired.

Do you just say whatever I say?

So I just say "cocksucker" and...

I just say cocksucker and...

You... Huh?

Come on.

I like my balls tickled.

Look at this guy.
No wonder he's not laughing.

He doesn't know
what's going on right now.

All right, I'm gonna move on.

I wanna see some laughing out of him.
You better step up your game.

Ceiling fans.

Could we put a little LED light
on these motherfucking devices

so I can tell when it was shut off
versus on slow

versus on vortex
versus on medium.

Why does it even have the goddamn mode
where it moves no air?

Shouldn't it just have
medium and high?

Do we need
the "not doing anything"

adding ambiance to me beating off
in my bedroom?

Sucking my own cock.

Don't. Don't short-trip my junk
with that move.

That's fly fishing.
That's not cocksucking.

All right, now listen,
I'm just saying this.

This guy's not fucking cracked
a smile the whole night.

I've seen more movement
out of an ice sculpture.

Guy's been a fucking
cigar-store Indian

dipped in liquid nitrogen
and hung in outer space.

What I'm saying is...
Is are you screwing my jokes up?

Don't ask him if you're screwing up.
I'm asking you.

What are you doing?

I'm trying.

You're trying,
but, I mean, do you...

Why isn't he laughing?

I can't make you funny.

Cheers, whoa!

- Yay.
- This is the last one, though.

- What?
- Come on. Such a baby.

- Damn, that's good.
- Bartender.

Whoo!

Isn't that that guy
from that show?

Oh, my God,
that's totally that guy

from, like, that...
The "Celebrity Barn" thing?

No, no, that's that guy,
that, uh, "Bro Show" guy.

That's it!
That's it!

' Hey! yo!
- "Bro Show"!

- Oh, my God!
- What's up?

Our husbands
totally love that show.

Except for Margaret's,
but he's bi, though.

Fuck off, Nancy.
He is not bi.

Hey, come have a shot with us.

- I'm just getting a nightcap. I'm good.
- Oh, come on!

Tequila! Tequila!

- Come on.
- Look, here he comes.

Nancy's divorce is final.
It's Carol's birthday.

- We're celebrating.
- Mm-hmm.

Just a little one.
Come on.

Let's celebrate!
Cheers to the brew.

I must be really loaded 'cause these
are actually starting to taste good.

You guys aren't driving tonight,
are you?

Oh, hell, no.
We got a suite.

Does it look like we drive?

You're taller than you look
in person.

- Thank you.
- Hey. Hey, hey.

How about your buddy
Jack Taylor?

- Now, that guy is killing it, right?
- Oh, my God.

- He must be so rich.
- No, you must fucking hate him.

No, why does everyone
think that?

I love the guy.
I mean, I'm thrilled.

- Okay.
- I am, I'm thrilled.

I am.
He's a friend.

- I'm happy for him.
- Uh-huh, yeah, you know what?

Hey, Carol, if you were thin
and rich, I'd hate you.

Well, we don't have to worry
about that.

Oh, fuck you, Janet.
Fuck you.

Whoa!

- Okay.
- Easy, tiger. Don't get jumpy.

What channel was that show on?
I haven't heard of it.

It wasn't on QVC, Margaret,
so how the fuck would you know?

Oh, my God, I'm so fucking psyched
to be divorced!

About time! It's about time.

I haven't been with another man
since I was 19.

- Not so sure about that.
- Excuse me.

Well, intercourse, anyway.

19 couldn't have been
that long ago, right?

- I mean, look at you.
- Oh, my God, so sweet.

20 fucking years.

Um...

I wanna suck your dick.

Me, too.

What?

- I mean, I want that for us.
- Oh.

Hey, hey, another round of shots,
please. Come on.

You know what? Nancy and I
are gonna head up to my room.

I'm gonna give her a tour
of my minibar.

Oh, is that what you call your cock?

- She's funny.
- "Minibar."

All right, ladies,
enjoy your evening.

I'm gonna suck his dick.

Are you okay in there?

Yep, I'm good.

You need... you need...
So you want some help in there?

I can get something from the minibar.
Do you want a Pepsi or something?

No. No, I'm okay.

I'm gonna be ready
in just a minute.

Are you... is that a lighter?

Are you... are you smoking?

Yeah, just one.
It helps to settle my stomach.

Okay, no. No, no, no.
Put the cigarette out right now.

- What?
- Cigarette out.

Sweetie, don't worry.
I'll finish your fucking blowjob.

I need you to put the cigarette out
right now.

- Throw it in the toilet.
- Oh, my God.

You totally sound
like my ex-husband.

Just fucking throw it
in the toilet right now.

Just put it out right now.

Relax.

I only smoke when I drink.

What are you,
the fucking Surgeon Admiral?

I don't give a shit
about your health, sweetie.

I need the cigarette out
right now.

Fuck you, asshole.

I'm sorry.
I take that back.

I don't... I don't mean it.
I care about you.

You do?

I do, I do, I do.

Could you just... I'm sorry.

Just... just put the cigarette out
and come on out.

You really do?

I do care about you.
Is the cigarette in the toilet?

Tell me one more time.

- I care about you.
- Mm.

And I care about your health.

And just come on out.

Okay. Whew!

- Now where were we?
- Oh, no, no, no.

No, no.

- You've got...
- Are you fucking crazy?

- We got the towels in here.
- Oh, my God.

- It's a...
- Why do I always find the crazy ones?

- I don't even get it.
- We have a cloth shower curtain.

- You're an asshole!
- Hey, listen, don't go.

Not the robe!
Don't take the robes.

They charge for the robes.

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck.

Fuck.

Shit.

Oh, my God, it's "Bro Show"!

Yo, I'm first class
with "Bro Show"!

Uh, I'm pushing on to coach.

You're not going to coach, man.

Stop fucking with me.
I watched you in college.

We would get high.
We would watch "Bro Show."

Sit your ass down, man.

It's gonna be
the best fucking flight ever.

Doctor's orders.
No leg room, no free booze.

He... he said it.

I'll see you on the way out,
though.

Man!
My boys are gonna freak.

So, let me get this straight.

You just stand there and read?

Yep. That's why it's called
a reading.

I mean, you're 17.

You're a genius.
L-I... it's not that impressive.

If I read, that'd be a big deal.

- I have a disability.
- Okay.

You ever think about
getting back in the game?

- Mixed martial arts?
- No. Dating.

I don't know about that.

You don't think I'd get enough hits
on ChristianMingle?

"DWM with a sharp wit
and a heart of gold

who can build or fix anything
seeks SWF

for a romantic second act

that will prove
F. Scott Fitzgerald wrong."

How about this?

"Divorced white male
seeks Asian teen

to honor his request
to die alone."

- I wanna post this.
- I don't know.

I can't see... I don't have time
for a relationship

unless it's with that security guard
at LAX, you know.

'Cause her thing is "take your
shoes off, empty your pockets."

Actually,
it's a lot like being married.

I knew I'd find you here.

I got a Range Rover!

Harper's dad
got her a Range Rover?!

Oh, my God!
What the heck?

God! This is amazing!

Let's go.

Bye, Dad!

- Baby Doll.
- Baby doll! This is it.

This is the one... off the road
and straight to syndication.

That's the kind of money, boy.

That's the spigot
that never shuts off.

Great.
What's the show?

Baby Doll, please come
in the pool with us?

Bless your heart.

I'm talking with the guy
that helped buy the pool.

You know "Close Quarters"?

The piece of shit about a family
that lives in a submarine?

No, that hit piece of shit on NBC.

They're adding
a new character...

"Gus, the maintenance man."

Single-cam or multi-cam?

Single, multi...
Who gives a shit?

I told them you are offer only.

- Good. What was their offer?
- They laughed.

But then I said,
"We'll do a chemistry test."

All right, when's that?

Well, that didn't fly, either.

But I told them you don't go
to the producer session.

You go straight to the studio.

Okay, so you got me an audition?

You're a fucking magician,
Baby Doll.

No, no, no.

I don't send you
to any cattle call.

You cut in line.
You're in the finals.

You're in the front.
It's basically a layup.

You know, like a...
Like a formality.

Why?

Because I never stop
working for you.

That's why, buddy boy.

In fact, I'm going right back
to work now for you.

Speak to you later.

But first...

time to visit the girls.

I love show business.

- Hey.
- Oh, Bruce. Good to see you.

Been a long time, Jeff.

- Uh, Jeffrey.
- Jeffrey.

It's "Brucery."

Oh, I see what you did there.

Ahem.
So... oh.

Um, okay.
You're gonna sit for this scene?

Oh, you want it standing up?

I'll do it sta... I... standing's fine.

I just thought
'cause the chair was here.

It's an out-of-the-box choice.
If you want to go with it, just...

I... I figured with the chair there,
you just wanted...

- Yeah, whatever works for your acting.
- No, I'll stand up.

Okay, great.
You set to go, then?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Here we go.

Gus, it's good to have you
aboard.

It's great to be on board,
Mrs. Waterman.

Please, call me Marina.

You know, after 25 years
of working on Wall Street,

I never thought
I'd be doing maintenance

on a moth-balled submarine
in Long Beach.

All the talk in the world's not gonna
fix that leaky torpedo hatch.

Are you telling me
my fly's open?

No, we actually have
a leaky torpedo hatch.

Speaking of torpedoes,
Mrs. Waterman,

that button on your blouse
is begging for mercy.

Oh, is it humid in this submarine,
or is it just me?

Oh, Mrs. Waterman.

H-hold on.
Can I just stop for one second?

The script's really funny,
but it's weird, right?

Doing it with a...
With a guy?

Listen, we've had over 15 people
in here already for this today,

and nobody else
had a problem, so...

Uh, wait.
Am I 15 or 16?

Uh, you're number 16.

Would you like to try it again
from the top?

I'd like to try it again
without the bottom.

Houston.

Oh, Houston always sucked.

Houston just passed LA...
Worst air quality in the country.

Yeah, thanks to you
and your pussy friends

with their Priuses,
we're not number one anymore.

Nice going.

Hey, didn't you
just play Houston?

Yeah. A guy fell out.

They called in a favor.
I was trying to help him out.

And anyway,
I got this new bit that kills.

Have you ever noticed
how many pharmaceuticals

would just make great names
for black kids?

"Norethindrone...

get your ass on this porch
at the count of...

Don't make me come
off this porch."

"Norethiserone! Norethiserone!

I think he knocked him out.
Norethiserone!

Wake up, baby.
It's Mama."

"Esperol! Esperol!

Esperol!

They hog-tied you 'cause you didn't
listen to the policeman.

Can he hear me
through this plate glass?"

"Lathenedestrol,
this is your mama.

Don't run from me.
Don't run from me.

Don't run from me.
Don't run from me.

Don't run from me!
Lathenedestrol!"

Where do you come up
with all the drug names?

Well, most of the drugs,
I'm taking.

Oh, also
the Teddy Pendergrass bit.

- What's that?
- Teddy Pendergrass, a black man.

He's a singer.

He was quite popular
just 31 short years ago.

He was what we call
"violently heterosexual."

♪ Let me hold your hand,
baby".I

- Sing it!
- ♪ Mm ♪

♪ And then I will ♪

♪ And then I will ♪

♪ And then I will ♪

♪ Bust out your uterus ♪

♪ With my big, black, knobby ♪

♪ Crook-ended,
uncircumcised ♪

♪ Motherfucking
whiffle-ball-bat-looking ♪

♪ Duralog dick muscle
I'm packing, baby ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Ye-ye-ye-ye-yes, yes ♪

♪ Yes, I would,
yes, I would ♪

♪ Skeety skeet-skeet
all on your titty meat ♪

♪ With my dick juices ♪

♪ I will paint
little stars and hearts ♪

♪ On your motherfucking
forehead, baby ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ That's how much
I love you, baby. ♪

It's real love.

That will go very nicely
into "Milk Chocolate."

What's going on
with "Milk Chocolate"?

He got seven episodes ordered.

- It's mid-season.
- It's on the air.

- No way.
- The pilot was really funny.

You saw the pilot?

L... I guess my DVD
got lost in the mail?

You could've just gotten
a share file?

Fuck.

This just keeps getting better.

- You couldn't send me a file?
- Why?

So you'll have
more fuel for your

"this is why everyone's stupid,
the networks are retards" fire? No.

TV executives seem pretty dedicated
to make sure that fire never goes out.

It's like the eternal flame
at JFK's grave,

except for JFK's grave is funnier
than a network sitcom.

No offense, Phil.

- Baby Doll.
- Baby doll!

I've got great news for you.

Uh, let me guess.

This one's about a family
that lives in an MRI tube?

I have the guy who supplies
all the outdoor furniture

for Pottery Barn,
Restoration Hardware,

Crate and Barrel,
and he thinks you're hysterical.

And affordable.

And he wants you to do
their entire convention here in LA.

So you got me
a one-nighter in town?

Listen, this corporate circuit
is big time.

This could be
just the beginning.

Listen, Baby, I'm in no mood to talk
to some asswipe from IKEA.

Burt, go ahead.

Uh, actually IKEA makes
prefab entertainment units.

We manufacture
premium outdoor furniture.

I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't...

It's customary
for an agent to tell...

Baby, tell me when
he's on the line next time, please.

I would like it
a little personalized,

so let me give you some background
on my coworkers, okay?

- You got a pen?
- Um, no, but I can grab one.

Hold on.

All right, shoot.

When you run a company
that sells furniture,

you're literally a chair man.

Well, that would make me
the chairman of the board.

Okay, you don't have to laugh,
but it would... it wouldn't hurt.

And, you know, come your review
at the end of the year,

it could make
a major difference.

Hey, sweetheart.
How are ya?

- What else have we got?
- Hi. Remember me?

Yes, I... I do.

From, um...

from the club in,
uh... in Buffalo.

No.

- Uh, Houston, right?
- Mm-mm.

Rooster T. Feathers,
San Francisco.

Boston. Sarah.

- Oh, New Hampshire.
- That's right. "Live Free or Die."

Are you stalking me?

if you're stalking me,

you're doing a horrible job
of stalking me.

- Do you know how to stalk at all?
- No, no.

You can't take long breaks
in between stalking.

I'm supposed to know you
immediately.

No, my boss asked me
for recommendations

for entertainment
for our company retreat,

and I suggested that guy
from that crap TV show

my husband
used to make me watch.

Your husband
obviously has fantastic taste.

Had great taste.
He passed away.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, it's okay.
It's been a while now.

It does explain
where my fan base went, though.

So, you work with these people,
then, right?

Yeah, I'm the head
of northeast sales.

Good, because your boss...

Burt.

He gave me, like,
a little rundown.

He wanted to do, like,
a roast thing.

And I wrote it down,
but I don't have it.

I'm just doing 12 minutes.

Maybe you could give me some info
on some of these people.

Like, I wanna give...

- Bun.
- Burt his money's worth.

Sure. Mm-hmm.

Do you have something
to write with?

Here you go.

Okay, this guy has been
a major Hollywood star

for well over 20 years.

You got to love him
from the "Bro Show" and...

Oh, uh, what's the one
I love him from?

Shoot. Where the celebrities,
they raise the barns or something.

- "Celebrity Barn Raising."
- "Celebrity Barn Raising."

That's crazy.
So let's... let's give a big hand

for tonight's entertainment,
Bruce Madsen.

Bruce, come on up here, buddy.

Good to see you, man.
Thank you.

Big hand for your boss... Burt.

Come on, he's paying for not only
the chicken, the fish,

and the spaghetti,
but medical and dental as well.

A hell of guy.

Uh, we got Vince Stevens.

Vince, are you out there?
Hey, buddy.

What?
Are you flying solo tonight?

With that beautiful redheaded filly
3,000 miles away?

If I had a beautiful
redheaded bride like that,

I'd keep both hands on her, boy.

Let me ask you something
with the redheads.

I've never been
with a beautiful young redhead.

Does the carpet
match the drapes?

You give her a call,

'cause I guarantee she's getting it on
with the pool man right now.

And, uh, Jenelle.

Jenelle's here somewhere, too.

Hey, Jenelle.
How you doing, girl?

Look at you. Hey, I don't judge,
you know, number one.

L-I love lesbians.

Just about every movie I see
is about lesbians.

I watch a lot of Internet
these days.

Top? Bottom? Do they have that?
Is everyone just a middle?

'Cause if I was with you,
I'd have a definite preference.

I'd be top.

I would be a snowcapped peak
on top of you, baby.

I mean... is she going
to the bathroom?

How's it work with the lesbians
in the bathroom?

Like, what is the code?

You know what I mean?
There's got to be a code...

Hey.
What are you doing?

- L... I'm roasting.
- You're roasting?

You know, Vince is going through
a terrible divorce right now,

and Jenelle
is a devout Christian.

What happened
to that stuff I gave you?

L-I wrote it down, but I didn't...
I didn't bring it with me.

I can... I know somebody rides
a recumbent bike or something.

- I think I can make this up.
- All right, thank you.

Get the fuck off.

Uh, we're gonna... we're gonna have
the raffle in just a minute.

Uh, Bruce Madsen.
Bruce Madsen, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Sorry.
- Wow.

There's a bar downstairs.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

It's the least you could do.

Okay, first of all, Jenelle
and Vince are both assholes.

He hit on me no less than 27 times
when he was married.

And she is a chain-smoking
gambling addict

who never stops talking
about Jesus Christ.

All right, that explains them.

But then there's me.
What did I ever do to you?

You walked in here
totally unprepared,

even though you're about
to make more in one night

than those poor schmucks make
in four months.

You couldn't do 20 minutes
of homework?

All right, hold on.
You were just messing with me?

I don't know whether to kiss you

or just hit you over the head
with a barstool.

Wow. Well, if those
are my choices,

please pick up
the little barstool.

Well, I should head out.
I have an early flight out of LAX.

You know...

I do a little woodworking
myself.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, if you're ever
in the neighborhood,

you can give me a call
and I'll give you a tour of the factory.

I got a better idea.

How about you and I
just blow this place

and I take you
on a tour of my futon?

So irresistible.

Fucking Phil Spector.

He fucked it up
for every horny guy in LA.

Have fun working your wood.

So this is it?
Like, how do I get ahold of you?

My e-mail's
on the company website.

I don't know the name
of the company.

Oh, my God.
No homework.

How'd you even find
the restaurant?

Hey, praise the Lord, right?

Mmm... huh?

Just drink it all in, baby.

This is why I like to come up here
once in a while.

It's beautiful, you know?
So serene.

I don't need serenity,
I need a gig.

What you need
is some perspective.

Oh, you think
I need perspective?

Baby, showbiz
ain't what it used to be.

We've all had to tighten our belts.

Downsize. Sacrifice.

I've heard enough.

Oh, yeah.
Everybody's downsizing.

You downsize any more,
and this time next year,

there's only gonna be
a $500,000 car

sitting inside your house.

You know how this whole thing
with Burt made me look?

Ridiculous,
like you always look?

- Like you do in that fucking wig?
- Really?

Getting a lot of pussy
with that Brillo pad, are you?

Listen, Burt was livid.

It was like you didn't listen
to a word he said.

I got some bad information
from a really sexy lady.

Oh.
I hope you came twice.

- I didn't even kiss her.
- Jesus Christ.

You didn't get paid,
you didn't get laid?

You broke every rule
in show business.

- I don't care. I got a better idea.
- Oh, good.

I play a big local theater...
The Wiltern.

The Wiltern?
The Wiltern has 2,000 seats.

You don't have that kind ofjuice
anymore, baby.

I'm an LA boy.
I'll pack 'em with my fans.

Let me explain something to you.

Even though he's
a dear, dear friend of mine,

I just can't call Goldie
and have him book you in the shows.

He's gonna want to see
a guarantee.

- Like what?
- Like...

"Can you get Jerry Seinfeld
to headline the show?"

- Thanks, dickhead.
- Baby Doll, I let myself in.

Hey, look who's here!
All right!

Bruce, you know
my newest client,

YouTube superstar Jenna Marbles?

- Nice to meet you.
- A billion hits, huh?

A billion hits.
That's a billion with a

Come here.

Try and fuck me,
I will slit your throat.

It'd be worth it.

That's why the kids love her,
by the way.

Get in the car.
We're going to lunch at the Ivy.

Oh, isn't she great?

Well, you got the code.
You know how to get out.

So use the code and get out.

Hasn't taken me to the Ivy
in 14 years.

Car's going down, how about you?

You're going to fucking
get pepper sprayed.

I don't understand.
If you're miserable on the road,

why do you keep going out there?

First off, everyone's miserable.

I mean, you think roofers
and carpet cleaners aren't miserable?

Well, you did those jobs
when you were younger.

I know, and I was miserable.

I mean, I guess the good part
about being a roofer

is that at least you're around
to see your daughter's violin recital.

You're not at Hilarities
in Tennessee.

The bad part is, of course,
you can't afford a violin, so...

Well, there's got to be a way
to do your job

that doesn't make you unhappy.

If I could just scrub my mind
of the '90s.

What does that mean?

Well, if you would've
got ahold of me in 1987 and said,

"You can travel the country
and people pay you to tell jokes,"

I would've been like, "I'll be
the happiest guy on the planet."

So getting paid to travel and tell jokes
feels like a step backward?

Feels like
three steps backwards,

butenough
about my career decline.

What about you?
Have you picked a school?

I can be bored
by "Moby-Dick"

for 60 grand a year here in LA
to try to make Mom happy,

or I can save a bunch of money

and be bored by "Moby-Dick"
somewhere else.

- Seems like a no-brainer.
- Yeah, it is.

If I can go on the road,
maybe you can get off the road.

Thanks, sweet pea,
but there is the house.

Well, why don't you guys sell it?

Another no-brainer.

No wonder your mom's
struggling with it.

A lot of guys out there

are obsessed with
"Does she swallow?"

I feel like we're setting the bar
pretty high, fellas.

My question is,
"Does she transport?"

Forget about swallowing,
'cause once I'm done with it,

I don't care what you do with it...
Toilet, sink, potted plant,

somebody shorter than you.

That's not...

I don't need it once I'm done.

L- I don't get...
I don't get the obsession

with actually ingesting
the semen.

Like, uh,
"Well, does your, uh...

your garbageman
just picks up the garbage?

He doesn't eat it?"

I mean, uh, I...

I... you guys been watching
a lot of TV?

Yeah, I got your e-mail,

and I had this meeting
in the city, so...

Well, it was nice to see
a friendly face out there.

I've been to your shows before,

so I knew there'd be plenty
of great seats still available.

It is so sad that that face
is attached to such a mean person.

How did you get into stand-up?

Well, the chief of cardiology
at Johns Hopkins

blackballed me.

- And after that, I just...
- No, really.

How did you become
a stand-up?

It's the same way every comedian
gets into stand-up.

It's like we're fuckups.

We're fuckups in high school,

and then we're fuckups
past high school.

And then at some point,
you wake up and you realize,

"I have one skill...
It's making people laugh."

And now that you've lost that?

I know you think I'm funny.

- How do you know?
- It's not the money.

I know you're not after
half of the 1/8 that's left over

after I pay my alimony
and Uncle Sam.

What about all that TV money?

Oh, that's long gone.

Really?

Oh, that's it? You're a golddigger?

♪ Dear heart... ♪

You know, I guess you
just get what you want.

If I wanted to be famous
and successful

like my buddy Jack Taylor,
then I would've been.

I just would've done the work.
I just...

I just didn't do the work.

Then why stay
on the hamster wheel

in the smoggy cesspool
that is Los Angeles?

I think it's just... it's all I know.
It's just like repetition.

- It's just... it's a habit.
- Oh, like heroin.

Yeah, except for the fun part.

How far is your place from here?

Little over an hour.

You promised me
a factory tour, remember?

The factory's closed
till the morning.

I got a plan.
First thing tomorrow morning,

you'll make me some eggs
and we'll go take a tour of the factory.

Are you pitching that you would
stay over after our first date?

- It's at least our third date.
- How is this our third date?

Well, we had Flappers...

Your huge friend
physically assaulting me from behind.

Back of my neck still smells
like Jégermeister.

Date number two... LA.

Permanently banned
from the corporate circuit.

And this is three.

So we're three in.

We're deep
into this relationship.

And how would that work?

Just run by the hotel,
pack up my stuff,

be back in your Volvo
in five minutes.

What the hell are you doing?

Hello?

Hey, did I catch you
before you left your room?

Yeah, I just...
I just got into my room.

Are you still out front?

No. I panicked.
I'm sorry.

I'll come get you
in the morning, though.

I just trust myself more
during the day.

Okay?

O-okay.

Good night.

Boston.

Hey, Dana,
what's happening, man?

I heard you choked out a heckler

in the "Jack Taylor" audience
with your mic cord.

Little bit of an exaggeration,

but, you know, if I'm gonna look
like a stud, run with it.

Audience warm-up?

I just got to get
off the road, man.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Don't you want
to get off the road?

Not if it means no one will ever listen
to anything I say ever again.

Let's face it.

We stand onstage
with a microphone and talk.

When is it someone else's turn?
Never.

It's not that we're
the most important guy in the room,

it's that no one else
is the least bit relevant.

And we like that.

So, what you're saying is...
Is if I wanted to get off the road,

I'd get the fuck off the road.

Of course.

Unless you're
a hopeless narcissist

whose parents never listened
to a thing he said,

taking his revenge on humanity
one shitty club at a time.

You know, like me.

I think you're really
gonna like this.

Roger worked really hard
to convert the barn.

Yeah? All guys are proud
of their workshops.

Some are better than others.

I mean, it's like all parents
think their kids are cute,

but there's
a couple of dogs in there.

My place back in LA
is pretty sweet.

Biesemeyer fence,
oscillating spindle sander.

Holy shit!

- You approve?
- It's okay.

I was the MBA and Roger,
he was the elbow grease.

And I was gonna leave
Burt's company,

and we were gonna start
something together.

You could just find someone else
who can do what he did.

You know,

it's harder than you might think
for a gal to find a guy

who can do radius work
on dimensional lumber.

You kidding?

"Radius work on dimensional lumber"
is my middle name.

It's a little tough to fit on
on my driver's license,

but it's there.

I like woodworking because
it's the exact opposite of comedy.

How so?

Well, comedy's just about
tearing everything apart.

And I'd like to start
putting things together.

Oh.

I think I could spend
10 hours a day out here.

That's what my husband used to do.
It was awesome.

It was awesome?
You didn't mind?

Hell, no.

Women should love it
when their men are working.

How about I put together a little
sandwich for you back at the house?

Yeah, you can go on ahead.

I'll be there in a couple of years.

It's weird when you live in LA,

'cause everyone's like, "Could you
imagine living out in Podunk?"

And then you come out
to Podunk, and you're like,

"Not too shabby."

You're, by the way,
Podunk in this equation.

Actually,
Podunk is the next town over.

It's just a little bit bigger.

I could see living in LA
if you were sentenced to live there,

but I don't know why anyone
would choose to live there.

The business.
You gotta live there for the business.

Oh, and the, uh, razor wire
around the freeway signs.

I mean, you're not gonna
find that in Podunk.

- That's LA, baby.
- Mm, that's true.

Whoa! What are you doing?

What do you mean?

What are you kicking the crap
out of the door for?

I'm sure it's okay.
It just sticks a little.

Roger would've planed it for me.

Oh, Roger would've been wrong.

No offense, but that...
That would've been a hack move.

It's a rectangle in a rectangle.

You gotta straighten it out.

I could pop the pins on this bad boy
and have it fixed in a jiffy.

- Let me see what you got.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, thank you.

So, when did they start
putting wine in a bottle?

'Cause, I mean...

I'm familiar with the box.

I understand the box of wine,

but this seems dangerous to me.

This could break.

Cut your foot on it.

Got no...
Like, you know, for me,

like, when I, you know,
get into a barroom fight,

it's like, "Boom!" I bust the box
right over the guy's head.

Or I'll take a smaller box

and just break it over the counter
and go, "Who wants some?"

♪ I knew her long ago ♪

♪ Out on the edge
of broken time ♪

♪ I can see
clear into her soul ♪

♪ Through her
dark-colored eyes ♪

♪ We used to laugh together ♪

♪ At the strangeness of it all ♪

♪ Her laughter,
light as a feather ♪

♪ I can still hear it now ♪

♪ Ain't it funny 'bout love? ♪

So, thanks for changing
your flight.

I had fun.

Sounded like you were having fun.

I think the neighbors
heard you having fun,

and you don't even have
neighbors.

Well, you know,
it had been a while.

Well, you still got it.

♪ Her mommy used to say
to me... ♪

This is probably
a little too early,

but, you know,
I'm not really interested

in seeing you once a year
when you play Flappers in Boston.

Well, when I get back to LA,

I will not stop thinking
about your smile,

your body...

and that woodshop.

Wow.

Oh, man,
I miss that woodshop already.

- It's so good.
- Sweet.

Well, do you ever think about
the next 20 years?

Well, I didn't used to,
but now that I quit smoking,

I guess I should.

Maybe a little companionship
and a little radius work?

That sounds really... nice.

Oh, come on.
You just miss your strip mall.

This is my strip mall.
It's just more beautiful than yours.

You got your banking, butcher,
post office... the whole shebang.

I like the handicapped mule
parking myself.

Oh, whoa!

My phone just sprung back to life.

We must be entering
civilization.

Wow.

Got a lot of messages.

Um... I'll just be
right behind you.

Hey.

- Baby Doll.
- Baby doll...

where the hell have you been?

I'm in New Hampshire.

New Hampshire?
What the fuck's in New Hampshire?

They don't even have
a comedy club in New Hampshire.

- I know. That's why I like it.
- Anyway, never mind that.

This is it.
This is the big one, okay?

This is the one
that gets you off the road.

I hope you're sitting down.

This is beyond "fuck you" money,
this is "fuck me" money.

- What is it?
- Howie Mandel wants you

to be the host of his new game show,
"Renaissance Man."

Now, this show is gonna be huge.
There's so much money,

this show's gonna syndicate
into countries

that don't even have
governments.

This is legit?
This is serious?

Howie is dying to work with you,
but I need you out here ASAP.

Okay, yeah.

I'll be there as fast as I can.

Okay, thank you.

See that?
It only takes like two days

to fall totally in love
with New Hampshire.

Oh, and you're gonna love
Christmastime.

I can't wait to show you
a real white Christmas.

Baby Doll: Hey! There they are, huh?
The dream makers.

- Hi, fellas.
- Hey, Baby.

Hi, baby.
I think you all know

the funniest man on planet Earth...
Bruce Madsen, hmm?

Baby, tell me,
why can't Howie host this thing?

Howie is stretched too thin.

He knows this is the guy
for the show.

He handpicked this guy
for the show.

Are you gonna fuck me on this?
Don't fuck me on this.

Okay, I'm not gonna fuck you,
all right?

Let's sit down. Come on, now.
Come on, sit down.

As I think some of you may know,
on "Celebrity Barn Raising,"

Bruce was
their highest-testing celebrity.

I was tested
as being the most high.

Isn't that great?
Come on, he always does that.

He knows how to be funny.
He's got a million of them.

- Hey, there he is.
- Ah!

- No, no, no, no.
- Hey ya, Howie. Ryan Barkley.

He's new.

All right, I don't have a ton of time.
Everybody sit down.

I just wanted to drop by
and let you guys know

how much money
this major talent right here

is gonna make you guys.

- Hallelujah!
- Yeah.

Bruce Madsen
is "Renaissance Man."

I created the show.
I know.

He is that guy.
He's funny. He builds stuff.

He's got screwdrivers
and cordless hammers.

All... Howie,
all hammers are cordless.

Hammers.

This guy.
See? He is perfect.

Even if I could do this show,
you're better off with Bruce,

'cause he's gonna make this
a huge hit.

Howie, come on,
you got to stop by the show

at least once a week, you know.
Or we roll in a field piece with you.

I am not on the show.
This is your host.

Howie, Howie,
we all know he's funny.

We know you're funny, but have you
ever hosted a game show?

Give them a little taste.

Oh... like, host?

Yeah, a little patter.
A little game show patter.

It's weird doing it here,
though, right?

You know what? I'll be the contestant,
you bring me out.

"My name's Harold,
I am from Cherry Hill, New Jersey,

and I collect Elvis decanters."

Come on!

All right.

- Microphone.
- Yeah.

- Uh, Howie, this...
- Harold.

Harold.

Harold, this is weird.

I'm just not in a headspace
to do this right now.

Not in a headspace?
So you don't wanna dance?

- Not really, no.
- Come on, give 'em a little soft shoe.

You know what? You don't have
to dance for these ass clowns.

Thank you.

But you're gonna have to dance
for me, bitch.

How the fuck are you gonna tape
five shows on a Friday

when you have a 102 fever?

You think I feel great every time
I show up to one of my three shows?

Well, guess what.
America can't know what I'm feel...

Want me to tell you something?
I'll tell you something,

and you keep this
amongst yourselves.

There's an episode of "Deal or No Deal"
where I shit my pants.

There is a point when I go,
"Two more cases,

and you can win $1 million."

That's what I said.
You know what I was thinking?

"Oh, my God.
I just shit myself on national TV."

I have to dance.

That's the fucking game.

And now
you're gonna dance, bitch.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

the "Renaissance Man" himself,
Bruce Madsen.

Lights! Camera!
Shit your pants!

Welcome to "Renaissance Man,"

where we are gonna find
and crown the ultimate male.

Men, get ready to sweat,
ladies, you're gonna get wet.

Our first contestant,

- Harold...
- Yes.

From Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

Harold, are you ready
to play "The Fuse"?

- Yes.
- We have a rope hanging

from a Huey helicopter
over bin Laden's compound.

You're gonna scooch up it,

we're gonna give you
a 10-second head start,

and then we're gonna
light the fuse.

If... and that's if...
You make it to the top,

you're gonna have to solve
a Rubik's cube...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.

Is that... is that
one of our actual contests?

- No.
- I'm just making it up.

You made that up?
Jesus.

That is so much better than any
of the shit you idiots came up with

- in six months of preproduction.
- Write that down.

He's a genius.
He is the "Renaissance Man."

Baby doll!

Huh?

This is gonna be
your "Renaissance Man,"

and that show is gonna run longer
than "All My Children."

Thank you.

Then the network
pulled the plug.

They won't even air the episodes
he shot, those assholes.

Wow.

Go ahead.

I'm sure this all
makes you very happy.

No. Not today.

- I just feel bad for you, buddy.
- Me, too.

All right.

Enough bad news for today.

He did get
"Renaissance Man."

Can you believe this motherfucker
just won the lottery?

- Breakfast is on you.
- Yay.

I think the greatest job in the world
might be game show host.

Absolutely.
You bank five shows Thursday,

five shows Friday,
and you are done.

Then you get to schmooze
with all the affiliates,

and they give you
lots of free shrimp.

- And you're gonna get some pussy.
- Oh, yeah.

Not "A-level" shit, though,
you know.

You're gonna get maybe
"fives" or "fours," but a lot of them.

You could get bald and fat,

- the job is yours for life.
- Mm-hmm.

You could be doing this
for the next 35 years.

You don't have to write.
You don't have to prepare.

- You don't have to care.
- Just show up.

You don't even
have to wash your ass...

♪ You'll get no answer
from me ♪

♪ About what I want
or what I get ♪

♪ Brave enough to speak,
afraid to see ♪

♪ Confuse the issue
till you forget ♪

♪ And I tried ♪

♪ To finally decide ♪

EWhy a“

♪ You're gonna have to
look around. ♪

Welcome to the finale
of "Renaissance Man."

The time has come

to crown the ultimate male.

Are you ready to make
some noise for the host

of the most popular

competition reality show
on planet Earth?

The face of "Renaissance Man,"

ladies and gentlemen...

Welcome to "Renaissance Man."

Skeety skeet-skeet!

Dad, I'm really happy
you're close,

but you're not gonna be hanging out
here on weekends, right?

I'm not gonna miss
another one of your readings.

You're not gonna do
a lot of readings, are you?

Oh, yeah. A lot.

That's pretty much all they do
at this school.

That's so funny,

'cause when I was
in junior college,

we didn't read out loud
for other people's entertainment.

We were sounding out words.

How's your mom holding up?

You know, I think she's more upset
about selling the house

than about me going to college
3,000 miles away.

All right.

I think we got everything
you requested except for the vodka.

Do you know what you could sell
vodka for to college freshmen?

You may not be
the only MBA in this family.

"Family"?

I'm parked in the loading zone.

Nice job, Dad.

Thanks. I went with a dovetail joint
on the drawers.

I meant Sarah.

I really like her.
She's a good one.

I knew what you were
talking about.

This, I built.
Sarah...

She was perfect when I met her.

Well, I'm really happy
you found her.

I'll be back.

Just give me a few minutes
alone with my baby.

I'll be right behind you.

Hey, Sarah!

Take good care of him.

I don't think anybody ever has.

Oh.
You're such a good kid.

Have a great time in college.

Well, that's that.

Thanks for everything, Dad.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of you, too.

So, listen,
if there's anything you need,

you just call Sarah's landline.

Ask your history professor
what a landline is.

All right.

- I love you, Dad.
- Love you, too.

♪ Oh, there's a river
that winds on forever ♪

♪ I'm gonna see
where it leads... ♪

It's gonna be nice...

Just kicking back.

Put my feet up, relaxing.

Are you sure you're not
gonna miss stand-up?

No.

I like this stretch of road
I'm on right now.

♪ To the ends of the earth
would you follow me? ♪

♪ There's a world that was meant
for our eyes to see ♪

♪ To the ends of the earth
would you follow me? ♪

Hey, you've reached
Bruce's cell phone.

Please leave a message.

Baby! Great news.

I found a comedy club
in New Hampshire.

It's not a traditional comedy club.

They serve smoked meats...
Okay, it's a deli.

But on Tuesday nights,
it's a comedy club.

♪ Oh, there's an island
where all things are silent ♪

♪ I'm gonna whistle a tune ♪

♪ Oh, there's a desert,
the size can't be measured ♪

♪ I'm gonna count
all the dunes ♪

♪ Out there's a world
that calls for me, girl ♪

♪ Heading out
into the unknown ♪

♪ Wayfaring strangers
and all kinds of danger ♪

♪ Please don't say
I'm going alone ♪

♪ To the ends of the earth
would you follow me? ♪

♪ There's a world that was meant
for our eyes to see ♪

♪ To the ends of the earth
would you follow me? ♪

♪ Well, if you won't,
I will say my goodbyes to thee ♪

♪ I was a-ready
to die for you, baby ♪

♪ Doesn't mean I'm ready
to stay ♪

♪ What good is living
a life you've been given ♪

♪ If all you do
is stand in one place? ♪

♪ I'm on a river
that winds on forever ♪

♪ Follow till I get
where I'm going ♪

♪ Maybe I'm heading to die,
but I'm still gonna try ♪

♪ I guess I'm going alone... ♪

Alligators have to be confused
at this point in history, right?

Like, I'd like to be at the next
alligator convention.

'Cause alligators
have to be like,

"For four million years,
all we did

was slide up on the shore
of the riverbank

and every fucking villager

just pissed themselves
and scattered.

They all just went
for high ground.

That's all we had to do.
We didn't have to do anything.

We'd just slide up,
catch a little sun,

let a little gas go,
and watch all the crazy villagers

climbing palm trees
and running for the fucking hills."

Now they can't make it to lunch

without some jackass
in cargo shorts

jumping on their back...

Zip ties and fucking duct tape...
Wrestling with them.

Like, that alligator's gotta be going,
"What the fuck is going on?

Fucking nuts.

All we do is yawn
for two million years,

and everyone would fucking die
of heart attacks.

Now every jackoff
in fucking a Kangol hat

and cargo shorts
and desert boots

is diving out of a fucking fan boat
on top of me?

What the fuck is going on?

We gotta do something.

We gotta eat
a couple fucking infants."

"Or don't eat them,
but we maim them.

Like, whatever we gotta do.
Somebody's gonna have to...

Somebody's gonna have to
take out an infant.

This has... this has
gotten out of control."

"12 Years a Slave" won Best Picture,
and everybody knew

that "12 Years a Slave"
was going to win Best Picture,

because nobody was gonna vote
against a movie

called "12 Years a Slave"
for Best Picture.

Just not gonna happen.

And in that sense,
I do think it was a little bit,

you know, not playing fair
with the title.

I think if you wanted to be
a little bit more evenhanded,

you could just as easily
call it, you know,

"The Slave That Got Off
Relatively Easy,"

like, historically speaking,
because".

Well, listen,
if anybody here tonight

has been a slave
for any period of time, I...

I just want to say that joke
is not meant to offend you.

I want to say thank you
for your service,

though it seems inappropriate.

Um...

But the point is,
most of the time,

if you know your history,
that was a life sentence.

So like, 48 years, or however long
people lived back then.

It seems unfair to those people
to spotlight this one guy.

Like, if you brought
those people forward to today

and they saw this movie,
they'd be like,

"What the hell?
Where's my movie?" You know?

"I earned this times four,
or however long I lived back then.

This has got to be like
the second-greatest injustice

that's ever happened to me."

The first being actual slavery.

I don't know if everybody's
picking up on that.

I'm worried about the kids.
This is why I'm concerned

about the kids,
because I got a buddy,

he's got some little kids,
and he invited me to come out,

watch them play soccer, right?

Sounds innocent.
I got out there two minutes late.

I was like, "Hey, what's the score
of the soccer game?"

He goes, "Uh, listen,
we don't keep score here.

Uh, all these kids
are winners."

I was like, "That kid's got
his jersey on inside out

and he's chasing a butterfly.
That kid's not a winner."

All these kids are winners?
A school district in Connecticut...

This is not made up...
Has outlawed the use of red pen,

'cause they say red
is too aggressive of a color.

Kids are gonna see the color red
and be reminded of their failure.

Then when they get older,
they're gonna see red and be insecure.

Boo!

Yeah, you can boo that.
Yeah, sure.

Like, here was
the grading system

when we were coming
through school... "A, B, C, D, F."

Like, we skipped a letter
to make sure

kids knew they were failures.

That's the thing is,
I do get excited

when I see
another little person,

because I'm not thinking
about this constantly.

I'm not. I don't walk around
all day in my head

just, "I'm a midget,
I'm a midget, I'm a midget..."

Like, I don't do that.

I know.

If your life had a DVR,
you would have all

"15-seconds-ed" back
in that exact moment.

"I got to do that shit again.

All right. Yeah."

But I do. I get...
I get really happy.

Now if I see another dwarf
and it's a male,

if I see a male little person,
I don't know why this is,

but I have to fight him.

And I don't know why.
Like, I don't want to fight him.

He doesn't want to fight me.
But we see each other,

we're like, "it's go time!"
Like, why... why is that?

Are dwarves like Highlanders?
Like, "There could be only one."

I don't know.

♪ I found it hard to bear ♪

♪ When you tell me
there's nothing there ♪

♪ I called your telephone ♪

♪ But I wasn't home ♪

♪ Halos are burning high ♪

♪ Follow my lead,
that's right ♪

♪ I'll step out in the rain ♪

♪ But things just feel the same ♪

♪ I nod my head
in disagreement ♪

♪ Noticing what's wrong
and what's right. ♪

♪ Oh, to see your face
enter the frame ♪

♪ Into the blaze
I've searched for all along ♪

♪ Be unafraid
to call your name ♪

♪ To take your hand ♪

♪ And be unchained ♪

♪ Unchained ♪

♪ To let love free again. ♪

♪ And I've been living alone
and eating on my own ♪

♪ And waking up to find
another day is gone ♪

♪ A life lived in absentia ♪

♪ And I've been up all night
dreaming of the life ♪

♪ The one I thought
I'd be living by now ♪

♪ Enough to miss invention. ♪

:: Ripped and impaired removals ferneiva ::