Ritter, Dene, Voss (1987) - full transcript
Bath too hot
it's always the same with him
BEFORE LUNCH
difficulties of interpretation
apathy
catafalquism he accuses us of
Did you tell him
that Doctor Frege is the only possible one
No I have to proceed carefully
Proceed gently Fraulein Worringer
the director said
The follow-up physician Doctor Frege
Between Steinhof and here
he hardly said a word hardly a word
Not even about Schopenhauer
No
And his Germanophobia
Not a word about the Germans
And his sore throat
Better
he's not coughing any more
Not a word about Frege
I don't feel like kicking the bucket
to save my brother
that's what I told the director
It's an instinct for self-preservation
to take my brother home
is what I said
I can't come to Steinhof every day
after all I'm not well myself
He looked at me uncomprehendingly
Do what you think is right he said
but don't forget that your brother
is extremely vulnerable
extremely vulnerable
Pointless to think about the inadmissible
While you only visited him once a week
I went to Steinhof every day
Day in day out
Destruction
self-destruction philosophical
that's what he said
threw his salami sandwich
into the toilet bowl
in front of my very eyes
Schopenhauer and washing his hands
Talked again about his log cabin
in Sognefjord
going on about Norway in his room
all the time
I didn't know
how to get him off the subject
and only the day before the word
Germanophobia all the time
The Norwegian quirk
Paid three million in two years
because we have no medical insurance
Catafalquism
You ought to have left him in peace
have left him in Steinhof
But it's only a trial
Which always ends in disaster
Tell me where are the sugar cubes?
In the left-hand drawer
Got himself completely snowed in
at Sils Maria
Burned all his Christmas presents
scornful laughter
shortage of breath afraid he was dying
Once again afraid of cancer of the tongue
Cancer of the tongue is not hereditary
Yes it is
How long has father been dead
Twenty years
He had the most beautiful death
that I can imagine
without the slightest pain
he went to sleep like a child
Only two days before
we had been to the opera
Turandot
Henry James conceived us
not our parents
that's what he said
Smothered in luxury
always just barely got away
You or I
to this very day
that will never change
I let him finish talking
Treatise on Logic Part One
Treatise on Logic Part Two
finally transcribed I said
all along the avenue
and back again
without contradicting
I said he should sit in the back seat
he didn't object at all
got in all by himself
the pills worked immediately
He wanted to go along Hill Road
we stopped at the Fischer House
he asked to get out
we got out
we took a short walk
he seemed quite calm
he looked down at the city
wanted to know where our house was
he couldn't find it at once
that annoyed him
There it is I said
that made him doubly annoyed
that I had found it before he had
I hadn't changed he said
And neither had you
sisters are the problem he said
thanked me for my transcribing
then I saw that he had no socks on
shoes on his bare feet
thanked me a second time for my typing
it was us father had loved he said
for him he only had hatred
suddenly he recited
his favourite sentence
the Schopenhauer sentence
quite calmly without the least agitation
I'd arranged
I said
for us to be alone
when he got home
just us siblings
no servants
no maid
We really only need the small kitchen
nobody but ourselves
To take a bath by myself
he said
without being stared at
by a keeper
He wanted to go for a stroll
we walked a little way into the woods
I said I had been to the cemetery
the family grave was neglected
the birch tree
had split the slab on the tomb
he was fascinated
that I should describe the grave to him
and how I did it
We simply have to take
our chances
One day you'll walk in the park with him
I'll do it the next day
I was against it
I'm still against it
I would never have taken him out
at least not right now
Now or never
I thought
Now he's agreed
You're totally absorbed in Ludwig
organised your whole life around him
With his consent
do bear that in mind
he wanted to come home now
I wouldn't have brought him home
not now of all times
Now you're back on stage
playing that blind woman
you know it's ridiculous
Precisely because
I'm returning to the stage
Self-realisation
what a disgusting word
this odious word crops up everywhere
self-realisation
there's nothing more repellent
there's nothing more stupid
it doesn't mean anything
the word self-realisation
but they all parrot it
doesn't matter who you are
you are after all realised
you are yourself
there isn't a more absurd word
or a more repellent one
than self-realization
and everyone uses it continuously
The phrase function of truth
is another example
I hate those words
all those terms
He said we were intelligent siblings
Perhaps you'll go with him
to Doctor Frege's
tomorrow afternoon
He only says what he's thought out
There always has to be fresh milk
in the house
that's important
I'll walk with him in the park every day
I said to the director
and I will be punctilious about his pills
Be careful
not to leave him on his own
when he cuts his toenails
the director said
always hang his coats up
so that the lining can't be seen
You must take your time with him
When he expounds his logic to you
you must listen to him
you must keep quiet
no comments you understand
no contradiction
as if we didn't know him better than that
and don't say
that you haven't understood
just as you mustn't say
that you have understood
What a repellent person that director is
polish his glasses
without his knowing
he said
and be sure to do it every day
because he doesn't polish them and thinks
he's bound to go blind
he's afraid of blindness
and of cancer of the tongue
I can reassure you cancer of the tongue
is not hereditary
For gentlemen like your brother
he said
coarse cotton underwear
is the right choice
don't ever give him silk underwear
believe me
common coarse cotton underwear
is best for him
That loud repellent director's voice
I hated it from the beginning
but we have to put up with these people
give useful hints of course
no matter how loathsome these people are
You would be well advised
to rub your brother down
at least once a week
with a Turkish towel
for six or seven minutes
and play part of the Eroica
while you're doing it
Beethoven means something very special
to your brother as you know
and do you know
what else he said quite expressly
don't ever give your brother
the impression that you are watching him
but don't ever let him out of your sight
It's not a bad idea
to have guests now and then
invite some people I should think
parties are good for him
To stay in London
and suffocate in London
for years he threatened us with that
I saved myself
I said to myself
it's my life not his
and what if he had suffocated in London
or in Cambridge
or in Norway in his log cabin
You went to bring him back
not me
The continent will be the death of me
that's what he wrote so often
on his postcards
A person who does not write manuscripts
but only superscriptions
lifelong logic
Nothing but blackmail
that's what he's always used against us
I saved myself
you became his slave
To stay in London
and to suffocate in London
and then the Norwegian blackmail
the so-called log cabin
designed against himself
Summer clothing fetishism
that's what he accused me of
spoiled my dancing lessons
when I read Goethe
he boxed my ears
he spied on me in town
called me a liar every chance he got
You've always hated him
That's always been your calumny
You've resented his every phrase
You've always hated his way of thinking
no matter what he did
you hated it
His hatred of children
has always scared me
I wonder
if he deliberately didn't wear socks
or whether he forgot to put them on
do you know what else the director said
I know you hate it
when your brother uses suspenders
please let him keep his suspenders
The doctors always think of everything
The whole time he said
Well-Tempered Clavier
while I was signing the release
I wonder whether Doctor Frege
is the right doctor
but he's the only one we have
To stay in London
and suffocate in London
On Sunday he wants to go
to the Musikverein
to the philharmonic concert
do you know what they are playing
Beethoven probably
and Schoenberg
and Webern
are you coming along
No
I hate those concerts
for years
it's been the same pieces
the same conductors
the same people
But with Ludwig
it will be quite different
The director says
these concerts are indispensable
therapeutic matinees so to speak
we can't let him go by himself
Why don't you come once at least
You haven't been to the Musikverein
in such a long time
We'll sit in Row Eight
our subscription seats
I'm bored by those matinees
But that is music
that can be heard over and over again
Not by me it isn't
it has all been heard
ultimately it's all been heard
and all been seen
That's your megalomania
Leave me in peace
I'm setting the table
and you sit reading the paper
as though it's not your business
Now you have your philosopher brother
in the house
and need to cope with him somehow
He's your brother as well
Yes but I didn't take him out of Steinhof
But we had both
discussed everything together
But you decided
to take him out of Steinhof
at your own risk
But don't you want him
home as well
he's your brother too
Yes
If we are here
together for him
after all it's not the first time
we've tried
There was nothing he wanted more
than to go to the Musikverein
on Sunday
Beethoven
Brahms
that Schoenberg always the same
that boring Webern
What there's too much of in Beethoven
there's too little of in Webern
I beg you
spare me the philharmonic concerts
why don't you two
take Doctor Frege with you
While I was drawing a bath for him
he twice said cryogenics philosophical
he wanted to make a note of it
so I ran to fetch his notepad
but when I got back
he screamed at me
that he had never said
cryogenics philosophical
and had not asked for his notepad either
he insisted
that I stay in the bathroom
until he was completely naked
I was to tell him that he was ugly
you're not ugly
you're beautiful
I said
and it wasn't a lie of course
of course he really is beautiful
The keepers always enjoy looking at me
the doctors too
he said
bunch of perverts
they enjoy beating me too
and I enjoy being beaten by them
and my fellow patients he said
enjoy looking at me too
and they enjoy beating me
But I never beat them
I never hit back he said
Naked Ludwig is a welcome sight he said
and immersed himself in the tub
I finally had to say three times
that he was ugly
after he had stood up quite straight
in front of me
and I had to say it with a straight face
and I did say it with a straight face
and it really wasn't a laughing matter
Why three times
I don't know
three times I had to say
you are ugly
I said it although I didn't want to
and while I did he touched
What
Oh you always bring me to the point
where I admit everything
Pervert
And you
Your brother's prick
driving you almost to distraction
isn't that it
You provoke him
into acting like that
you are both bogged down
in your infantilism
but that's your problem
and his problem
A postcard posted in the year
twenty-one
that's to say three years after
the end of World War I
posted in Linz
arrived in Vienna yesterday
It's the bath water
you run the bath water very hot
and that drives him crazy
and you take advantage of him
that's what it is
you do it on purpose
Gas explosion in the Third District
two housewives dead
mutilated beyond recognition
Our breakfasts
haven't changed in twenty years
not in thirty years
the same thing
on the same bread for thirty years
and drinking the same tea
with it
don't you think we should
do away with ourselves
for this reason alone
Two actresses from the Josefstadt Theatre
doing away with themselves
wouldn't that be a headline
Played the viola
you did that too
I played the piano you the viola
because Uncle Friedrich played the viola
Had to
I heated it up
Of course what else
Heated it up yourself at any rate
For twenty years
you've been transcribing his manuscripts
I'm convinced that one day
they will even be printed
they'll be published by a major house
Logic I
Logic II
with the assistance of my sister etcetera
Without you after all
there would be no manuscript by him
he thinks it out
and you type it
put it in order
even the spelling
you transcribe it
without you there wouldn't be a Ludwig
any more
nothing of his
that's to your credit
one day he calls it art
then again
philosophy
or he calls it nonsense
and when he dictates to you
he despises you
but you're happy enough to type it
you are completely absorbed in his dictation
Our brother is a genius
not a fool
one day they'll be working on him
at all the universities in America
everywhere even though
he calls everything he's written nonsense
not senseless nonsense
The Steinhof sojourns
are his summer vacations
instead of going to Sils Maria with us
he goes to Steinhof
instead of going to Lucerne with us
he goes to Steinhof
Not even a Christmas with us
our holiday hater
sings in the choir at Steinhof
on Christmas Eve
in his institutional clothes
father told him
he wouldn't be any good
even in the acting business
that was the most scathing indictment
When people ask about his relatives
he says my sisters are actresses
at the Josefstadt
not without talent
my father died of cancer of the
tongue
The acting business
that's all that was left for us
nothing more
I never wanted a profession
and you
I don't know
You had stage presence
Yes perhaps
In comedies
and tragedies
Just because our uncle
was a theatre manager
The daughters of Worringer
the industrial tycoon
fled to their theatre manager uncle
out of boredom
had had enough of life
ended up in the Josefstadt Theatre
If you say so
He always called you the gifted one
the one for whom there was hope
I was always the untalented one
for whom there was no hope
Because he loved us our uncle
Genteel daughters of genteel ladies
in insipid plays
with background music
And because our brother hated it
we joined the theatre
that was a decisive factor
because our brother hated the theatre
and because our parents hated the theatre
hatred of the theatre
was the greatest in our family
Perhaps
And Ludwig took the philosophical route
suicidal
a lone-wolf suicidal
Logic I
Logic II
written alternately in London and Norway
typed up by his sister
his eccentric magnum opus
by his older sister of course
The precision instrument
as he calls you
that's what you've been for twenty years
If you play the piano
you cannot type
that was my good fortune
but typing and playing the viola
that's all right
It's always your unhappiness
which speaks out
And in your case it's just your happiness
I want to set the table for him
just as he loves it
just as mother used to set it
just as father loved it
Geometrimania
even on the dining table
exercises in submissiveness
After all it's only a try
The eighteenth
or the nineteenth
Anna cooking would be better of course
but we would have had to put up with her
this way we're alone
undisturbed
just the three of us the first time
for a long while
The first evening is the most
difficult of all
No candles
he hates candles on the table
hatred of illumination
He always liked clear soups
With his shoes on his bare feet
and reciting the Schopenhauer sentence
and three times you had to say
that he was ugly
Again and again the word antipathy
while walking back to the car with him
Ludwig is a fanatic about cleanliness
pathological naturally
like our father
but father didn't carry it to such extremes
and father didn't end up in Steinhof
Worringer the industrial tycoon
who used to wash his hands
thirty times a day
and nobody knew about it
except us
Transcribed the so-called dualism chapter
last night
not a wink
only wondering
how shall I bring him home
on the phone with the director twice
And don't forget
two tablets thrice a day not three twice
already enough to drive me crazy
the way the director continually said
intelligent man
Your philosopher brother
is over the worst he said
but remember
that he'll be vulnerable all his life
In Zurich it was nice
do you remember
free and easy
He only dictates what he's thought out
Our anti-Kant
It answers a need in him
to dictate to me
it's all therapeutic the director said
That's the death penalty
I pronounce on you
said Ludwig my dictating to you
or at least and in any case
a life sentence
even worse
always on the brink of insanity
never going over the brink
but always on the brink of insanity
if we leave that border region
we are dead
Going to Rome now
you don't need me
you are the really important person
in his life not me
I'm just a burden
I'm the one who makes him nervous
I can't even cook
I can't even heat things up
Everything still
the way our parents furnished it
nothing's been changed
since our parents died
I would have cleared everything out
everything
but you objected
now you're almost suffocating here
But you could have gone away
to Rome for example
or to Amsterdam
I wouldn't have put any obstacles
in your path
but then you'd forfeit your contract
Didn't go away
that's it
but not for Ludwig's sake like you
because I couldn't
because you've always paralysed me
kept me chained up
and not because of the Josefstadt either
I kept you chained
You are completely independent
you've always been free to do
what you liked
but you didn't want to go away
You blame me you've always blamed me
for chaining you to this house
but you could have gone at any time
wherever you liked
True
I often said go
you didn't go
I was never interested in men
but you were
and yet you stayed
Not for Ludwig's sake
Ludwig Ludwig
I'm here for Ludwig
but not you
you stayed
because you didn't want to take risks
because of the Josefstadt
that's the truth
Your truth
My truth
Ludwig means everything to me you said
Now he's back in your gilded cage
And you
My favourite brother
my favourite philosopher you said
My favourite brother
my favourite philosopher
Your anti-Kant
You've never done more
than put up with Ludwig
never really looked after him
but then you are the younger sister
Why are you always talking about Rome
and Paris
and you don't go
I've only ever known you to lie in bed
eating what Anna has cooked
reading the paper
and forever disappointed in love
After mother's death you started talking
the way she talked
to this day
adopted her way of walking
you even tug at your hair
like mother
and you have the same way of saying
supper
and you sit there and say nothing
just like mother
and you say Ludwig like her
every time you say Ludwig
I hear mother saying Ludwig
To Rome
next week
or to Normandy
or the Shakespeare at the Josefstadt
after all
as long as it gets me out of here
And in a just a few days
you'll be back
that's your misfortune you know
You're quite right there
you're my clairvoyant
You have always directed everything
to your misfortune
Your brother is right
you attract your misfortune
Some attract it
some repel it
I always felt you two
were going behind my back
In our elementary school
you were five years ahead of me
my whole life
but we have unhappiness
both of us
you have yours
I have mine
you cook
when you have no alternative
I read the papers
newspaper addiction
for which you blame me
I never blame you for anything
myself yes
but not you
To Budapest with Ludwig
without saying a word
I didn't blame you
to The Magic Flute with Ludwig
all behind my back
no blame from me
I always swallowed it all
as they say
I was always watching everything
you've straightened everything out
I don't know
who suffered more
Disease is a sacred process
religion he said
you think I don't see
what you are to him
We shall never find a way out of
our errors
Bought five shirts
the most expensive
took them to Steinhof
and he didn't wear a single one
gave them all away
after all
it's my money too
our money
Refractoriness
he explained it to me
the last time I visited him
snow falling outside the window
he said then he was going blind rapidly
complained as usual that there were bugs
that the door to the terrace was stuck
that the windows wouldn't close
I'll phone that Doctor Frege
Seven hundred schillings for ten minutes
there's doctors for you
we ask them to suggest a way to help
but they make no suggestions
they don't help
But Doctor Frege
has known him longest
an experienced doctor
as far as Ludwig is concerned
He looks for sympathy
but he offends everybody
he antagonises everybody
Indifference to philosophy on your part
he got back to that again
the stupid sister
that's what you are
I'm the officious one
witless both of us
He needs me
I'm the one he depends on
not on you
but you're the one he loves
Me
it's you he loves
you
the useful one
I'm the useless one
whom he hates
You're the one he's always favoured
first favoured
then loved
you are the one closest to him
Cutlery china
everything has to be perfect
he sees everything
and we're afraid he might see something
that he shouldn't
Even as a child
a horror of dirty cutlery
Always a fresh napkin
and most demanding when it came to food
A fresh shirt three times a day
Fresh bed linen every other day
Our parents
invested everything in him
he was their child
what were we
We were conceived by
Henry James
we were not their children
That's what father always said
in his need to inflict pain
and Ludwig says it too
father thought just the way Ludwig does
One was the industrial tycoon
the other the philosophical tycoon
Oh nonsense
Ludwig is so infirm
and so frail
That's what you think
that's how you see him
because that's how you want to see Ludwig
that's how you have to see him
these people appear so infirm
but they're stronger than anyone
But I know but I can see
how helpless he is
He has you in his power
totally
Ludwig is a brute
that's the truth
and you know it too
a thug with philosophical intentions
but you can't admit that to yourself
that would screw up your whole concept
Never before
have so many Italians come to Vienna
inundating the city
Everything Austrian
fascinates the Italians
Austrian history
Austrian art
everything Austrian
If not for Ludwig we wouldn't
be here at all
we wouldn't be here any longer
everything would have been sold
you perhaps would be in Rome
who knows where I would be
Ludwig holds us together
He ruined us long ago
he annihilated us
But you don't even believe that yourself
you won't tell him to his face
and anyway it's a lie
Insofar as truth
is also just a lie
everything is a lie according to Ludwig
a lie and a falsehood
Ludwig is your property and vice versa
Ludwig owns you
and I am condemned
to keep looking at this depravity
Oh how everything gets on my nerves
in this place
You really are the most ruthless
person
unscrupulously ruthless
But Rome would be just as unbearable
Because we've already seen everything
Where does our brother get the right
to possess us
The Josefstadt is my salvation
I will act again
it doesn't matter what I play
Whatever you can do
I can do too
Turn one's back on the theatre
that was just insincere posturing
for the sake of a philosophical thug
We must be on our guard
against him
he's intent on
ruining us completely
for years
for decades he's worked his destruction
We are the ones who need help
not him
we are the victims
not him
it's ourselves we must help
not him
Our mental cripple
is destroying us
has almost succeeded in destroying us
that's his triumph his doing
You're getting worked up
when sober reflection alone
is appropriate
you've plunged headlong
into your Ludwig complex
he said that didn't he
not you
Even if he did say it
you do have a Ludwig complex
If only you could finally realise
that this cul-de-sac
is the only possible existence for us
but you're not ready to do that
you are still too young
To have swallowed
the logician's bait
that's what's so repellent
A soothing atmosphere
secure and warm
that's what our father always said
Ludwig has often repeated
that phrase
mocking father
that phrase has become so absurd
with the passage of time
By and by
this house has become a hell for us
The Worringer hell
that's how Ludwig himself has often
referred to it
But really can't you see
we have in fact turned this house
into a Worringer hell
and not even innocently
we have consciously made this house
into this Worringer hell
you just won't admit
who is the devil in that hell
After the soup a slice of melon
I don't think that's wrong
I don't think that's wrong
perhaps you should refrain
from drinking wine
if he sees
that you're drinking wine
All right
I'll restrain myself
but just this once
just this one first time
It would be better
if Anna were here
you'll spend the whole time
running between kitchen and dining room
he's always hated that
housewives running
from dining room to kitchen
maddening
You've never liked me
even as a very small child
you hated me
He likes clear soup
he hates so-called thick soup
At first our parents
spoon-fed him
then we did
it's sickening
the way you constantly spoon-feed him
It was always said that he was
our little weakling
until he turned into that monster
the little helpless child turned into
that megalomaniac
that philosopher
Beware of the weak
our father always used to say
for they are in fact the strong
the weak rule us
not the strong
the so-called rules us
not the actual the real the factual
We are constantly shying away
from everything
he doesn't shy away from anything
he only cares about thinking
but who's to say
that his thinking amounts to anything
perhaps what he thinks is all mere
nonsense
perhaps he's always thought nonsense
since he really is mad after all
since in fact he calls Steinhof
his real home
My Ludwig you say
and you think
my Ludwig my philosopher
when in reality he is only your fool
your favourite fool
the brother as the favourite fool
as the favourite perversity
There's nothing to say to that
That's your strong suit
what you have in common with Ludwig
to say nothing
when everything should be said
not to respond
when everything is asked
You two will soon smother me completely
with your hypocrisy
You stir the soup
thinking about how best to torture me
while our brother
amuses himself at our stupidity
he philosophises
in order to destroy me
you stir the soup
for the same reason
For thirty years
the same argument
Just the way our father
used to argue with our uncle
but then it wasn't about Ludwig
but about the factory
it was just as odious
I imagined this evening would be
so beautiful
After months for the first time
to be dining again together with Ludwig
just the three of us
undisturbed
Sibling affection
a threesome
You have always planned
everything in your head
and tried with all your power
to put plans into action
without regard for others
You took Ludwig out of the institution
you sent Anna away
you decided who sat where
at this table
it's always you that's done everything
And Ludwig doesn't even know
that he owes everything he is
to you
You decided to take up the typewriter
I the piano
as a second artistic activity
Developed a taste for it
that's it
You transcribe what he has thought out
At the very height of craziness
you type out what he has thought
and I play the piano while you do it
improvising philosophically so to speak
at the piano
I took four pairs of shoes to Steinhof
in two weeks
and he gave them all away
Humanitarian megalomania
You're against anything and everything
that's your misfortune
But our brother
is our genius
domiciled to be sure in Steinhof
but matter for discussion
at English universities
achieved the status of a topic
for dissertations in philosophy
Refuge in the theatre
didn't do us any good
playacting nothing more
Utensils
that's what he calls us
you who protect him
screen him so to speak
a utensil
and he abuses us
you
who type up his thinking
who reproduce him so sedulously
sacrifices her nights
for his thoughts
Bought five shirts for him
and then I meet all those people
wearing them
The director had Ludwig's hat on
while he was talking to me
your brother you know
presented me with his hat
then I had to put it on
a bet you know
I bet your brother
that I would keep his hat on my head
while you were in my office
I cannot tell you what the stakes were
but as you can see
I am in the process
of winning the bet
Don't think madam
said the director
that I am crazy
of course everyone says
all directors of madhouses are crazy
directors are crazier than the patients
entrusted to their care
people say that
because it's what they like to hear
No no a bet
nothing more
Furthermore the director said
your brother has completed
the Kierkegaard chapter
which he'd been working on
for eight months
Steinhof the philosopher's retreat
he said
several times
Steinhof the philosopher's retreat
Your brother will be very famous one day
and then people will say
here in Steinhof
is where his work was born
and we hope that then they will also say
that here in Steinhof he completed it
That odious voice you know it very well
My hand shook as I signed
It's your responsibility of course
the director said
Suddenly Ludwig was there
and said
you've won the bet director
Ludwig took the hat off the director's head
and put it on
This hat
is much too small for me said Ludwig
took the hat off again
and put it back on the director's head
You've won the bet
my respects to you Ludwig said
then he wrote out a cheque
and put that cheque
in the director's coat pocket
And then what happened
Nothing
I said come along Ludwig
let's go
let's leave this place quickly
The director accompanied me
out of the door
Ludwig had gone on ahead
And then
people were standing around everywhere
because it was visiting hours you know
and he blew kisses to them
then he put his hand in his coat pocket
to fetch a bundle of hundred schilling bills
and started waving it about
suddenly distributing the whole bundle
bill by bill among the people
Patients and visitors fighting
over the hundred schilling bills
And you did nothing to stop him
No
I wanted to take him out of the institution
without a struggle
he was quite calm
now and again someone would call to him
by his first name
Ludwig
and time and again he would blow kisses
to them all
Dualism that's what it is
he exclaimed several times
catafalquism
militarism
he got wrapped up in these words
then suddenly he embraced me and said
how happy I am
that you are here
You went to fetch him
not me
he can't accuse me
of fetching him away
Wasn't that
what you were after
in wanting me to come along with you
to fetch him
a sort of complicity
when he realises it was a mistake
to take him out at this juncture
Complicity
that's what you wanted
that's why you suggested this morning
that I should come with you to fetch him
no no I didn't fetch him
you fetched him
Why do you always assume
only the worst
Whatever I do
has in your eyes
an ulterior motive
your life is one long need
to be suspicious
You do nothing
without a reason
The older one is always responsible
that's it
you've used that against me
for ever
No no
Ludwig got into the car quite calmly
the director was still bowing
when we were already
more than a hundred metres away
Was he sure he had packed everything
and taken everything with him
I asked Ludwig
by then we were already driving
along Hill Road
yes he said
everything
What sort of part
is the blind woman
a big part
Only one short appearance
two sentences that's all
And you subject yourself to that
After all I haven't acted
for four years
but this interests me
fascinates me
and besides it won't wear me out
completely
Two sentences
spoken by a blind woman
I'm not worried
about playing a big part
I could have if I'd wanted to
no no two sentences
but how
You were always ambitious
on the stage
you never took chances
Every chance my dear every chance
Yes every chance
The many walk-on parts
I've played
when I could have played
the very biggest
It's not a question of how long
an actor is on the stage
it's merely a question of how
two or three minutes of brilliant theatre
Of course of course
Our views
were always not only different
always opposed
You always only wanted to play big parts
I never did
The difference is
that because of Ludwig
I didn't act for four years
not like you
because I didn't get a big part
I could have played a big part
at any time
Ludwig made it impossible
In any event
a sacrifice to Ludwig
As you see it
Your talent is the greater of the two
your talent is the opposite of mine
You're a born histrionic
I don't mean that in a pejorative sense
on the contrary
you're an actress through and through
I have to give my all every time
everything comes easily to you
because to the genius
everything comes easily
The genius
An actor is never a genius
interpreters are not geniuses
least of all actors
And nothing I've ever done
has come easily
that's where you're wrong
I know that I can be good
for only three minutes
and so I only appear for three minutes
I was never ambitious to do
a whole play a so-called big part
But you also played big parts well
even the ones where you're on all the time
it didn't matter what
it was always good
no one could have acted those parts
like you
no question of that
Whatever is going on inside my sister
I wonder
to make her so unhappy
she has everything
everything a person can have
and is unhappy
I'm not really an actress at all
I just wanted to be among people
that was the reason
possibly I did have a modest talent for it
an urge to play-act probably
you've always had that too
but not professionally
anything professional
has always put me off
only because I didn't want to isolate myself
that's the truth
just to be allowed to attend rehearsals
when I was in acting school
was my salvation you know
not actual interest in the art of acting
No certainly not
To be together with people of our own age
And of course the fact
that our uncle had shares in the Josefstadt
and was also manager of the theatre
played a part
without him I would not
have taken up acting later on
They need a girl in the Shakespeare
you're it my child
that was all
the rest is history
You're quite a different case
a real actress
quite consciously
with the highest aspirations
You are much better than I am you know
but in the end
fortune was always on my side
that's what it is nothing else
specious good fortune
Our rivalry in the theatre
I never took it seriously
when you acted well
I was always pleased
It's time
he'll come
Ludwig
LUNCH
Walking tall
do you know what that means
all the time till now I couldn't
suddenly walking tall again
According to regulations
She brought me the wrong paper
and made it impossible
for me to write down chapter six
everything lost
finished
I had told her the paper
on which I wrote Logic I
but she wasn't listening
Flying the kite in Glossop
do you remember
the time in England
a nice time
Then he went to England
and studied mathematics
said the director
Of course I heard everything
that he said
it isn't the Norwegian problem
it's the Cambridge problem
said the director
Time and again from a wealthy family
he said
and volunteered for the army
Then mathematics got the upper hand
for what is philosophy if not mathematics
mathematics on the brink
Once I drew him the propeller blade
that I had constructed
on a piece of official stationery
he was astonished
I don't want a single room I said
please not a single room
and then wouldn't you know
a single room
a single room if you please
It isn't the log cabin problem he said
it's the Cambridge problem
The rich simply have
the most difficulties of any
he said that
Our sister confided to him
that at eighteen
I slept with our mother
She said it without any trace
of embarrassment
that amused the director
I would not have said that
tattle-tale
He first experimented
with kites and balloons
and then he turned to propulsion motors
she said
she thought that I was in my room
all the time I was in the director's office
waiting for her
she had no way of knowing
She and the director were discussing
a trip to Madrid she wants to take
on her own
If you had paid attention
to what I was saying
everything would not now be lost to me
I said to her
you have destroyed everything of mine
I can't make any notes on this paper
Irritation ensued
she left me at once
I saw how she hated me
she hated everything as she went away
she even persecuted my fellow sufferers
with her hatred
I did not read the newspapers
which she had brought along for me
I distributed them
I should not have done that
they all started dancing beside themselves
with the fun of the papers
She thinks she types
without making any mistakes
she makes nothing but mistakes
and yet there is nothing easier
than typing from a neat manuscript
She says she's returning to the stage
she's going to act again
Yes
A comedy isn't it
Sisters actresses
theatre birds
stage twitter
My idea was
to go further
than all the others
beyond all the others
We are chained to oddities
Do you understand me
to oddities
and suffocate in monotony
Do you remember Glossop
Yes of course
How little has happened to us since then
For heaven's sake
Ludwig says
that you brought him the wrong paper
and that made him lose a lot of time
How long has it been
since Glossop
Twenty-two years
I know exactly
my greatest disappointment
Speak for yourself
I was happy in Glossop
I read a biography of Mozart
I was in bed the whole time
with a sore throat
while you and Ludwig
were experimenting with the kite
My kite experiment
my definitive discovery
But I discovered something quite different
from what I thought I had
Years later I knew
that in Glossop I had discovered
something quite different
I had a decisive share
in that discovery
Of course
I was terribly ill
You didn't want to go to Glossop
you got ill in Glossop
because you didn't want to go
a fever on the very first day
Glossop had a decisive influence on me
Yes you regenerated yourselves in Glossop
But I love
biographies of artists
that was my advantage
My sore throat was only half as bad
with Mozart there
She's playing a blind woman
short role
on stage for two perhaps three minutes
perhaps she'll taste blood
I'm sure
it will do her good
A good thing we never completely broke
our connections with theatre people
I've always cultivated contacts
with theatre people
but I'm not ready to take
just any part
but even if we don't perform
we must keep in shape
I work at my art every day you understand
Two artists for sisters
I don't know
has that brought me good luck or bad
more bad luck than good
certainly more bad luck
My Ludwig
the way he thinks
our egoist
Wouldn't you like another slice of melon
She brought me five shirts
and I gave them all away
of course that annoyed her
but it's my money after all
The philosopher gives his thoughts away
it is his thinking after all
In Skjolden I thought
I can't go on
The director said
that was my Norwegian problem
the log cabin idyll
In the evening before going to bed
we have inspection
and the doctor insists
that we answer our names
He says good night
then we say good night
the light is put out automatically
Put out automatically
Not bad food
in the institution
Everyone may eat as much as he wants
the problem is
I have no one to converse with in the night
they all sleep soundly
The nights in Steinhof are absolutely quiet
Now you're at home
and you can do what you want
Now everything
connected with Steinhof is over
forget it
would you like to hear some music
No
I've bought a new Ninth
Yes
Walking tall
do you know what that means
The afternoon walk
will do you good
or whatever you like
Perhaps you want to read
make some music perhaps
or we'll invite company
What company
Company
people
Who would you like to see
Perhaps it's better if we don't
invite people right away
perhaps it's best if you simply sleep
as long as you want
Rest
rest rest rest
Or do you want to dictate to me
in the afternoon
I spent the whole night with you
with the chapter on dualism
to be quite honest
I don't understand any of it
Is the front gate locked
Of course
There's a draft
be sure to close the kitchen door
there is a draft isn't there
I'm so susceptible to drafts
She's the one who's sick
not you
she's one who's sick
It's good that you're here
we were suffocating each other
Our sister suffers
from paranoia
between you and me
she tyrannises Anna
daft about cleanliness
not a moment's peace
paces up and down in her room
rushes into mine and asks
whether I have an earache too
I ask her why I should have an earache
she says because I have an earache
a terrible earache
I can't sleep all night
because she's running up and down
in her room
When I go into her room
she'll be sitting in front of her jewel box
shoves her bed with her own hands
first into one corner then the other
Two water-diviners were there
they kept putting your bed
into a different place
now it's back in the place
where it always was
she thinks she's alone
brushes your clothes for hours on end
while I'm there all the time
watching her
she opens all the drawers in your room
takes everything out
wipes down all the drawers
when I went into her room
last week
she had your dress trousers on
frightened to death
she said she didn't know
what had made her
put on your dress trousers
Meat
She sits at the window naked
and spoons up her yoghurt
as she listens to the Schumann
piano concerto
I don't want any more meat
I don't know
what she'll do in Madrid
she's never said anything
relating to Madrid
She has a cactus
in her room
a thirty-year-old cactus
Please close the door
Ludwig looks well
like he's just back
from vacation
He does
He doesn't look a bit
like a philosopher
But what does a philosopher
look like
Like you
since you are a philosopher
Philosopher philosopher
anti-artist
Just come back from vacation
While we sweltered in this humidity
almost suffocating
our Ludwig was on vacation
I got the right paper for you
A thousand sheets
a whole packet
on your desk
I brushed your clothes
pressed your trousers
everything freshly laundered
No more Steinhof smell
No more Steinhof smell
And if it rains in the afternoon
then it is most pleasant
not to have the feeling
that you have to do anything
Read a bit
when the sky darkens
draw the curtains
read
I can't bother with that
when there's so much to do
and everything falls to me
more or less
A matinee
which was always our salvation as children
is now out of the question
afternoon tea at Aunt Margaret's
how easy it was then
to escape from despair
a cup of cocoa
and the map on the floor
that's no longer enough
Soon it won't even be enough
to take a biography to bed with you
Music is very often a salvation
You're right
but soon we'll not even bear
listening to music
when suddenly and then for ever
our ears hate music
because we misuse it
in order to survive so to speak
Thinking is quite undisturbed
by that
however much we misuse it
it is always possible
after a while
everything begins to get on our nerves
not thinking
the person who thinks
can grow old with impunity
Or have a crazy idea
all your life
a single crazy idea
Listening reading looking
that's all nothing
compared with this one single crazy idea
but that is my problem
A mathematical solution naturally solved
absolutely mathematically
How miserable I feel sometimes
just like a dying man
then suddenly everything's all right again
because I think
I shall overcome everything just by thinking
not by being thoughtful
by thinking
I didn't intend
to come here
My sisters are my destroyers
they annihilate me
that's what I always tell myself
I said to the director
when my sister comes
tell her
that I don't want to go home
if I go home
it will be the death of me
family means death
and I have no friends
if I disregard the fact
that my fellow patients are my friends
But she was relentless
I didn't want to run the risk
of quarreling with her
lack of comprehension is the one bond
between myself and my sisters
that's what I thought
you do understand me don't you
you've always understood me better
than your sister
she has always only understood herself
But I shall only stay home
for a very short time
I said to the director
Two three days
I'd be dead on the fourth you know
There was a swallow
in the kitchen
hurt itself on the window
That Anna only makes a mess
I pay her the highest wages
and she only makes a mess
nothing is in its proper place
everything's dirty
the tragedy is
that we are at the mercy of these people
they exploit us blackmail us
slander us into the bargain
they drag us down into the dirt
wherever they can
treachery from below
is vile
Father was right
Write a letter to Ireland
this afternoon
it's long overdue
I'll write and tell them
not to come
what do they want here
we haven't seen them for twenty years
and just now of all times
I never could stand
our Irish relatives
a very polite letter of refusal
the afternoon will be ideal for that
I said to the director
that I knew
how to deal with a philosopher
gently I said
at which he laughed
Laughed
I'll start acting again in the autumn
Shakespeare
that's the plan
My sisters are actresses
I told the director
when I saw him for the first time
be careful
they're stinking rich
and are actresses
That was all I needed I said
for my sisters to be slaves of the theatre
not without talent I said
but I hate the theatre
there is nothing I find more odious
but the fact is
that we have to make the best
of what we find the most odious
Don't think I'm going to
commit suicide
which is what my relatives are afraid of
it's an idea of course
but I demand a natural death
whatever that may be
I shan't do away with myself
never fear
So even during my first stay
they let me keep my suspenders
As you see
I said to the director this very morning
I have not done away with myself
You've known me these twenty years
and to this day I haven't done away
with myself
Death after all comes to us of itself
when we want it I said to the director
we don't have to force it
Here's a lovely piece of meat Ludwig
perhaps you still have room
We have our terminal disease
and know
that we shall die of it
we can hasten this process of dying
hold it up drag it out
if we want to
but of course we know
that all that is just a matter
of a short space of time
and we say to ourselves
at least let us pursue this thought
a bit further
throw that one away
write this line down
complete the chapter
that's what gives us our greatest pleasure
that's why we go on existing
for no other reason
for except that we think
and cling to what we think
as far as we can
nothing is of interest to us anymore
I mean my thinking
and I
We certainly didn't go to England
for a pleasure trip
but because we wanted to invigorate
our thinking
to replace something stale
with something completely new
I didn't go to Cambridge
to get my English Ph.D.
not for such a trifle
but because I saw a chance there
of thinking further
than I had been able to up to that point
All ties to relatives etcetera broken off
for that purpose alone
We cannot think
when we are tied to people and their needs
That does not mean
that people do not interest us
on the contrary
all we've done was directed at them
with the greatest intensity
we have to free ourselves from them
Always sought simplicity
but never found it
nothing but the process of our dying
which makes us possible
We strive our whole lives just
for two or three pages of immortal writing
we want no more
but it is the highest goal all the same
The director did not understand
what I said
the director's way of thinking
isn't my way of thinking
he isn't willing
to think my thinking
although it would be possible
for him to think my thinking
But I only have the director in
Steinhof
the patients are complete dullards
that's what's so fascinating
that they are such complete dullards
At last walking tall again
do you two know what that means
It's only when we are sick
that we are happy
I thought
that everything would be different
but you haven't altered it
Everything will be different I thought
Cling to everything
that's characteristic of you
It can only be a short visit
What are you saying
Only a short visit
The inferiority of life
we become quite conscious of it
when we return to a house like this
which we have left forever
We're going back
we're going back
don't you understand
It's all right to let my sister think
that I'm going back home
I have no intention
so I said to the director
of turning my back on Steinhof
this is my home
nowhere else I said
My room is always at my disposal
I've got used to Steinhof
I shall die in Steinhof
not here
there is nothing more repellent
than dying in one's parents' house
you two may do that
it suits you
it doesn't suit me
For one moment I thought
it would be nice
just for a moment
We are always searching for the right path
and are always on it already
Perhaps I am crazy
it's possible
Made it specially for you Ludwig
your favourite gravy
For heaven's sake leave him in peace
I put myself out
but it's not appreciated
You know it's nothing more
than a process of atrophy
irresistible existence
to escape from boredom
but success is impossible
boredom
which is interrupted only
by fear of death
being irrevocably alone
I thought
but it was no use
crawled away to a hole in Norway
for the sake of an inadmissibility
cooped up in a wooden hut
with an idea
without success
destroyed everything in the end
years of chastisement
years of discipline
everything burned in a single moment
In Norway too
they refused me entrance to the inn
one glance sufficed to turn me away
I thought
anyone as undemanding as myself
cannot gain admittance
We have millions in our trouser pocket
and cannot do anything with them
Thinking things over is not stimulating
but nauseating
that's what's bad about it
but it only has value
when it's nauseating
nauseating people
valuable people
We have tried everything
and at the end
we are always left on our own
Desserts were always
your forte
Veal beef pork
always ended up
in a disaster of frying oil and batter
Mother couldn't cook
she detested the kitchen
But since you're helping out
with the cooking and
She only heated the food up
heated the food up
it's not half bad
I didn't want Anna to be here
when you came home
Came home came home
This isn't my home
When we submit to surgery
our lives can under certain circumstances
be lengthened
but I don't want that
Probability is something I hate
We really do
enter into a contract
but we break it
every contract has to be broken
When we've signed a contract
we have to break it
Contracts are fatal
Either we don't sign one
or if we have signed one
it has to be broken by us
the whole of humanity
is held together by contracts
and is suffocated by those contracts
This was the moment I feared
when I should have to
take exactly the same place
that I sat in all through my childhood
and most of my youth
opposite my father
I always hated him
I wished him dead
his death had no effect on my hatred
All odious people
from whom we have everything
There is no reason
to resume contact with the dead again
Those who spawned us
have ill rewarded us
for being their children
We are after all
not the product of their minds
It's true isn't it
it's nothing more than calculated mockery
The dining room
the source of every calamity
Father mother children
nothing but players in hell
everything of any value
always drowned in soups and sauces
whenever I had a real thought
whenever I had a valuable thought
mother drowned it in her soup
whenever I had a real feeling
whenever I had a valuable feeling
she smothered it in her sauce
And father unscrupulously tolerated
what mother killed in me
that's why I hated this dining room
always hated it
from this place
from father's place
nothing but death sentences
were pronounced
your fate was no different
but I wasn't as crafty as you two
I always fell into the trap
with a more or less cool head
Our parents weren't ashamed
not even mother
although shame
should have been her duty
I really had to hate them
and hate them all my life
in order to save myself
first the English detour
then the Norwegian one
thought Cambridge University
was the answer
then thought the log cabin
in Sognefjord was
we give everything up
in order to gain everything
and at the end we are worth less
than at the beginning
To think we made music together
as though it had been
thousands of years ago
What about it
do you still play the viola now and then
No no
We give up almost everything
when we give up the instrument
which we have learned to play
Acting
is really a coarse art after all
playing an instrument
is an entirely different matter
when an actor speaks
I have the constant feeling
that the world is a vulgar place
it's quite different from the way I feel
when a viola player plays the viola
or even just the piano
if it's played well of course
Only a few weeks ago
I had an idea
of going back to Norway
but now I'm too weak for that
And besides that of course
I have no reason to go back to Norway
Why don't we just wait and see
what Doctor Frege says
Frege
what makes you think of Doctor Frege
I've made an appointment for you
for tomorrow afternoon
Nonsense
there's no point
in my going to Doctor Frege
the man is a fool
he's worse even than all the others
he drove our parents
into an early grave too
there are doctors
who only accelerate disease
Frege what a bungler
And you made an appointment for me
tomorrow afternoon
I'm not going
What do you say
your sister simply announces
that tomorrow afternoon
I am to see Doctor Frege
I'm not going to any more doctors
I'm not consulting any more doctors
Aren't you going to eat any more
Oh leave him in peace
it really isn't so wonderful
that we can't resist it
I'm sure it isn't
since you two have hardly eaten
I remember
last time Frege was here
and I was present
that archbishop was also here
those people suit each other
a man like Frege
ruthless obtuse
and a man like that archbishop
devious through and through
Those Freges etcetera
are horrible people
who we constantly run from
but who catch up with us
time and time again
at first it's our parents
then it's our teachers
then it's those Freges etcetera
You'd better beware of that Frege
of those doctors
and those medical superintendents
especially the specialists
All those people obfuscate
the areas in which we have less and less
freedom of movement
Always hated
always detested
art nouveau perversity
Norwegian concentration
English intensity
I'm not going to see Doctor Frege
How dare you make an appointment for me
with Doctor Frege
To go behind my back with Doctor Frege
Inability to concentrate
Can't I even get a glass of water
in this house
Frege that murderous Frege
No doctor please
please no doctor
they've all spelt nothing but misfortune
for me
I want to kick the bucket on my own
without doctors
Your post-prandial
states of exhaustion
Not Frege
Frege no
The director thought
the first few days would be the hardest
You ought to lie down after meals
I've made a wonderful dessert
all by myself
not Anna I did it
cream puffs
your favourite dessert
Cream puffs fresh from the oven
Everything will be running smoothly soon
it all takes time
Of course you're exhausted
But I'm not exhausted
what do you mean exhausted
a state of excitement
isn't exhaustion at all
The name Frege
ought not to have been mentioned
That Frege
I spoke to the director
I said
what sort of doctor is best for my brother
in his present condition
Frege said the director
my colleague Frege of course
No doctor
least of all Frege
Incompetent people
The director too is incompetent
they charge exorbitant sums
and are totally incompetent
Grandmother
wasn't it
Embroidered this
Of course
by grandmother
all our beautiful tablecloths
were embroidered by our grandmother
during summer vacations
During summer vacations
they were always embroidering
and reading biographies of musicians
weren't they
No no
self-control is everything
never lose your self-control
we hate everything that's embroidered
even if grandmother embroidered it
Some embroider and others philosophise
their way through life
but they are all hiding behind an absurdity
and of course a lack of taste
Cream puffs fresh from the oven
that you are so fond of
Cream puffs
that I am so fond of
Ludwig
who's fond of cream puffs
who's fonder of cream puffs
than of anything else
The whole time I was in Steinhof
I thought of nothing but those cream puffs
It's like the inside of a tomb here
we're really already buried
a delicious tomb
in which cream puffs are served
the typical cream puff aroma
that's right
isn't it
they are freshly made for us
so we'll finish them up
The highest art is the art of baking
When we eat them for the first time
yes
but then
they grow more and more insipid
and finally we end up hating them
and then we hate nothing more
than cream puffs
even if we are continually told
that we are fonder of cream puffs
than of anything else
You expect me to eat these cream puffs
yes perhaps I'll even eat a cream puff
perhaps
the devil says
eat the cream puff
which your sister has baked
the devil says so
the devil says so
and Ludwig eats it
Ludwig is eating the cream puff
that his sister has baked
the older sister baked it
the younger sister served it
and now they are both waiting
to see me eat their cream puff
That-which-is-put-before-us
If we take into account that
with all those cream puffs
with all those soups and sauces
we have become old and ugly
and dull-witted and worthless
then it's completely logical
for us to eat these cream puffs too
every cream puff
that is ever put on the table in front of us
We wolf it down this cream puff
that our sister has baked
we open our mouth wide
and stick the cream puff in
and choke it down
You see
how I'm choking down
your cream puff
such a nauseating cream puff
such a revolting cream puff
my favourite dessert
you see
And now for the second cream puff
the favourite dessert
my favourite dessert
that my sister has always made for me
My favourite dessert
my favourite dessert
My favourite dessert
Go away
go away you
don't touch me
An etude my child
so that I don't lose my touch
only an etude
I keep wondering
how late it is
To lend meaning to life
To lend meaning to life
They get so upset those two
parasites
histrionics
perversity
AFTER LUNCH
You heard right
fifty-one percent
with that
fifty-one percent
our father bought our way into
dramatic art
looking to the future so to speak
Father really had a genius for business
and he knew what was essential for us
It was just you
he didn't know what to do with
all his life he didn't
With this fifty-one percent
we still decide
when to perform and when not
whether in a Shakespeare
or not
Bought our way into dramatic art
that's a clever remark
That fifty-one percent
makes it possible for us
to employ our talent only
when we see fit
We do not allow ourselves to be cast
arbitrarily and shamelessly
or to be exploited unscrupulously
and wasted
The theatre manager
is dependent on us so to speak
not we on him
And if for years at a time
we don't feel like acting
we don't act
and if we do feel like it
we act Shakespeare etcetera
or a blind woman in an insipid play
on the stage for two minutes
The art of the theatre is independent
only when it owns fifty-one percent
of the shares
to be honest
I only feel the urge to act
every few years
but that's not to say
that I neglect my talent
even for a single day
for two months our sister
has rehearsed the blind woman
in front of the window
and since she has to dance
for one minute out of the two
she's taking dance lessons
where she's learning
how a blind woman dances
that's not nearly as easy as you think
we are probably the only ones
who prepare for their appearance
down to the last detail
We have the time
to intensify ourselves
The three of us
have never been compatible
too high-strung
too extraordinary
Siblings united in intelligence
in fact detested by everyone
or at least always objects of suspicion
Weirdness
that's what they've always accused us of
my spiritual Titanism
indubitably
the highest aspiration
longing for humanity
suicidal
all three
When we think
we can rest easy
we grow restless
Wealth bestowed by chance
which has made all the others incompetent
allow ourselves to be talked into things
delude ourselves
that we can be saved
longing for humanity
suicidal
Did everything wrong up till today
Twelfth of July
that was two days ago
So many errors accumulated
Here
you have that too
That's what we think about
all our lives
about nothing else
until we give up
because it makes no sense
can make no sense
Between you and me
I'm not going to Frege
I hate Frege
I hate doctors
but I hate that Doctor Frege
most of all
Those people are constantly burying us
in their garbage
see nothing think nothing
behave like murderers
and call themselves family doctors
Mother
was the malicious one
not father
mother is the culprit
not father
Went a little way with Schopenhauer
with Nietzsche
pernicious friendships
paper ties
book brothers
printed love affairs
In the end nothing
but nauseating
We enter books
as we enter taverns
hungry thirsty
starving my child
At first we are received with kindness
are waited on
but waited on worse and worse
waited on worse and still worse
and finally kicked out
or else we leave the taverns at once
of our own accord
because we can't put up with
the stench in them any longer
the badly cooked food
the miserably served food
but not of course
without paying a monstrous bill
We enter those philosophies
as we do open taverns
and sit down at once
at the regulars' table
and we are surprised
that we are not waited on at once
to our most complete satisfaction
We are thoroughly annoyed
not least by the odious people
who are throwing their weight around
with us in this tavern
We call for the landlord
but the landlord doesn't come
and even if at first
we were possibly enthusiastic
delighted possibly with the decor
of the tavern
we start to loathe it
after a very short time
we are badly seated
there's a draft
a noisome smell hangs in the air
instead of the delicate aroma of roast meat
which we had expected
We are served by small odious waiters
who have learned nothing
and run around in their dull-witted way
and finally bring everything to the table
except the things we ordered
The food is inedible
the drinks poisoned
and then
when we try to call the landlord to account
we are told the landlord
has been dead these many years
That's how we enter the great names
which promised us a philosophical repast
which always turns out to be inedible
We enter books as we do taverns
that's our misfortune
We end up avoiding all taverns
don't go into them any more
no matter how dazzling the sign outside
we walk past it
It turns out
that there are no tavern-owners left
only unscrupulous tenants
Mother
loved you two more than me
Father hated me
but I loved him
that's the truth
The youngest girl is always loved
the most
pampered
that's her death sentence
Autarchy
that's what father always
ended up saying
Have enough coal in the cellar
for the next three winters
I can still hear him saying it
and also
philosopher philosopher
he isn't even good enough to be
an actor
Crafty sisters
who were in the end much cleverer
than him
Head of an industrial tycoon
that's what his brother said of him
Uncle Friedrich
No Uncle Karl
The humorous fellow
as opposed to
the humorless one
Painters are dull-witted too
even when they are highly paid
and highly renowned
Uncle Friedrich
is depicted as the humorous one
Uncle Karl as the humorless
exactly the opposite is true
Painters simply have no eye
They all had their portraits painted
the fools
This is where it belongs
not there
It really is a perversity
hanging exactly opposite each other
thirty years these pictures
have been hanging on these walls
not once taken down
But now it's equally perverse
don't you agree
hanging opposite each other
badly painted
very badly painted
famous artists
but badly painted
wretchedly painted
Portrait fixation
ancestor worship
They have always made us suffer
these hideous pictures
The pictures are worth a fortune
millions
but they are hideous
sometimes they are more in fashion
sometimes less
but they are always worth millions
how hideous these pictures are
Wasn't mother
a beautiful woman
attractive
but in the picture she is repellent
father didn't brood
as he appears to in the picture
Those artists abuse everything
shamelessly
they will paint
one intolerable painting after another
A musical family
so it has always been said
it's not even hinted at
in any of these pictures
Have their portraits painted
that was the idea that kept haunting them
You haven't had your portraits
painted too
you didn't get taken in I hope
by a portrait-painting charlatan like that
Have you had your portraits painted
or not
You did have your portraits painted
you're shameless enough
to have had your portraits painted
by those anti-artists
who are springing up everywhere today
and who chum up to people
and demand millions
for their repellent daubs
You did have your portraits painted
And what if we did
That was all I needed
my sisters
having their portraits painted
in this period of anti-art
this epoch of dilettantism
where are those trumperies then
where are the trumperies
In the attic
are you satisfied now
In the attic
in the attic
do portraits belong in the attic
Portraits don't belong in the attic
you hid them in the attic
so that I shouldn't see them
to conceal them from me
all the time I've been away
they've probably been hanging on this wall
you took them down
and put them up in the attic before I came
just yesterday
just this morning
that's the truth
The pictures are badly painted
Of course the pictures are badly painted
portraits are always badly painted
unless they're by Goya
but Goya didn't paint you
Goya never painted in Vienna
never did Goya paint in Vienna
I want to see them
bring me the pictures
bring the pictures this instant
Bring the pictures
bring me the pictures
this instant
What are you waiting for
I said bring the pictures
bring me the pictures
which cost a fortune probably
Having their portraits painted
having their portraits painted
for a fortune
having their portraits painted
for so much money
Millions of children are starving in Africa
and you have your portraits painted
My sisters having their portraits painted
just as their parents did
Odious patronage
Bring me the pictures
I want to see the pictures
Empty walls I've always liked
empty walls
This gallery full of atrocities
has always turned my stomach
Hideous pictures
unartistic
insipid
Having their portraits painted
they've had their portraits painted
Art of painting
a base form of art
base to the core
Consorting with painters
With painters
they grow rich and wealthy
and consort with those painters
And then that riffraff sits about everywhere
fouling the air
painters' effluvium
artistic whitewash
This one perhaps
maybe
this
no
it's not art
not art no
Music yes
painting no
It's all very arty
in keeping with the times
You've had your portraits painted
portraits painted
But why don't you turn them round
do turn them round
if indeed we're dealing
with works of art here
probably
by a famous artist
The contemporary
has always repelled me
Show yourselves
what do you look like
how did your artist paint you
And then my sisters expect me
to forgive them for this tastelessness
I don't feel like doing that
nauseating mannerism
I won't ask what these atrocities cost
like one of those people
who drive in Rolls-Royces painted them
Having your portraits painted
and consorting with shamelessness itself
I don't think the pictures are so bad
Not so bad
you don't think they're so bad
You've never been able to relate
to painting
Not been able
never been able
And why did you hide
the pictures in the attic
surely not
because they are so magnificent
Hideous
and not even good likenesses
of you
and unartistic
A young artist
a very young painter
A friend of Doctor Frege
put him in touch with Frege
put him in touch with Frege
A young American
Whose grandparents
emigrated to America
from Germany
A talented artist
But this is a declaration of bankruptcy
a declaration of bankruptcy
A fortune
for a piece of vulgarity
In comparison even those trumperies
are works of art
I cannot even say
disfigured beyond recognition
for that would at least be something
It was only to help
a young artist that was all
Young artists cannot be helped
there is no greater folly
than helping young artists
helping artists at all
is folly
Let artists help themselves
above all let young artists
help themselves
that's precisely why young artists
come to nothing
because they are constantly being helped
help an artist
and you destroy him
above all help a young artist
and you destroy and annihilate him
that's the truth
There is nothing more repellent
than assuming the cloak of patronage
But what is said
is not heard
I have always loathed
patronage
Wealthy people
patrons
hypocrites
Visiting the brother in Steinhof
nothing but hypocrisy
going behind his back at home
having your portraits painted
having your portraits painted
then hanging up what was painted
and when your brother comes home
taking down what was hung from the walls
and hiding it in the attic
It was her idea
wasn't it
not yours
It was my idea
Doctor Frege
Doctor Frege
suggested it to you
Yes Doctor Frege
Doctor Frege Doctor Frege
Not enough
that he ruined your brother
he also makes arrangements for you
to have your portraits painted
But while those atrocities
entered the annals of art history long ago
these trumperies will not be entered
into the annals of art history
this era will not be entered
into the annals of art history
as a shameful blot of emptiness yes
as a catastrophe yes
as an artistic catastrophe
as a gigantic art crater
into which people will peer
a hundred years from now
and get nothing but a stench
nothing else
nothing else
Empty walls that's what I always said
my Norwegian log cabin
is quite empty too
no pictures nothing
Empty walls
But of course
it will have to be repainted
or freshly wallpapered
for fifty years not one fresh coat of paint
nothing wallpapered
this smell
That's what it looked like once
the wallpaper
Wasn't any better either
The new is still more hideous
it's time
something was changed here for once
The house belongs to us
not to the dead any more
Why aren't you two helping
help me for heaven's sake
Come on push for heaven's sake
push for heaven's sake
Half a metre to the left
half a metre
only half a metre
Only half a metre
perhaps
it's nailed down
Push
only half a metre
Push
Concentrate and push
Dreadful
No wonder
gently push very gently
that's what I said
not jerkily
steadily but not jerkily
The beautiful Herend plates
the beautiful Bohemian teapot
good lord
The most beautiful pieces all broken
The most beautiful pieces
Gently I said
steadily but gently
not jerkily
If only we could move the clock
just half a metre to the left
it would be of an improvement
but I'll do it on my own
Why do you want to move the clock
For as long as I can think
it has bothered me that the clock is there
Just half a metre to the left
just to try it perhaps
No
no good
no good
The clock probably doesn't belong
in the dining room at all
it's a dirty trick
having a clock in the dining room
What do you say
where shall we put the clock
but the clock must go
I can't bear the sight of the clock
Perhaps in the small drawing room
there is no clock in the small drawing room
Right
there isn't a clock
in the small drawing room
It will go well in there
in the small drawing room
In the small drawing room
you're right
that's where it belongs
it's insipid in the dining room
and besides it doesn't even keep time
it's half an hour fast
and it has to be wound up every other day
One day it will collapse
and kill you
But
I won't be around to see it
Whitewash is healthy
fresh whitewash
white fresh whitewash
Father suffered
from a hatred of wallpaper
Women are in favour of wallpaper
hate whitewash
women hate whitewash
that's been proven
There are those who hate wallpaper
and those who hate whitewash
without more ado we can divide humanity
into these two groups
into the group that hates wallpaper
and into the group
that hates whitewash
The string quartets
they have always calmed me
I am allowed to play them for myself
as often as I like
said the director
he was corruptible too
I put horrendous sums in his coat pocket
these people
will take any amount of money
I'm allowed to listen to the string quartets
I'm allowed to read
I'm allowed to occupy myself intellectually
as the director always says
Rich people live on bribery
Around eight I listen to the Eroica
conducted by Knappertsbusch
Twenty-seventh of May Eroica
twenty-eighth of May Eroica
twenty-ninth of May Eroica
thirtieth of May Eroica
thirty-first of May Eroica
first of June Eroica etcetera
Older sister
Logic One
transcribed like a good girl
Exact bookkeeping
extraordinarily exact bookkeeping
Older sister
tastelessly dressed as always
sits there for hours
doesn't say a word
doesn't understand anything
younger sister
never seen her on the stage
probably no talent exclamation mark
like the older one exclamation mark
but they keep getting another chance
because father bought fifty-one percent
of the shares in the theatre
in which they appear from time to time
parenthesis out of sheer boredom
pre-war shares
A sample
Our brooder our know-it-all
our charming note-taker
When I'm in London
I tell myself Norway is the place
when I'm in Norway
I tell myself London
then when I don't know how to go on
to Steinhof
But I have not been declared
legally incompetent
that should give you
something to think about
I'm the only one in Steinhof
not declared legally incompetent
I enjoy a fool's license little sister
It's possible
Possible you say
possible
I always think you are totally
without talent
and then time and again
that you are the most talented of all
on the stage
She's so easily hurt
your sister
a trifle
and she's insulted
upset
anyway
we don't do people any harm
and they are angry with us
she's probably doing the dishes
ironing
She took a lot of trouble
to make things nice for you
she wanted to make your return
more pleasant
More pleasant make things nice
female stupidities
I said
I'm going home for just a few days
only a few days I said
what's it like here
I wanted to see
but it's just as I imagined
And also because I was looking for a book
a particular copy of Schopenhauer
but I can't find it
a lot of books missing
God knows what's become of the books
I want to talk to her
but she's in a hurry
Whispering with the director
behind my back
about Frege
to deliver me up to that man
who calls himself a family doctor
We go to him
because our bladder hurts
and he looks into our ears
we say we have a pain in our right knee
he taps our chest
and we have no medical insurance
so we spend a fortune on these people
enormous consumption of specialists
medicine is a perverse preservation
of monuments
As it's now in fashion again
to cut your hair short
I'm letting mine grow
I don't follow fashion
fashion is something I've always hated
the two of you follow fashion
A world which constantly
confuses cause and effect
Suffer from megalomania
that's right
trusted Schopenhauer
trusted Nietzsche
never trusted myself
time and time again I was suddenly
abandoned by everybody
Next I wrote polished my shoes
at half past two in the morning
Histrionics
Calumny
World of entertainment
Your sister
suffers from paranoia
a fetish for dishes
porcelain disease
Make things nice
by putting cream puffs
on the table in front of me
but doesn't want to listen
to what I'm saying
despises my inmost being but insists
that I eat her cream puffs
As you can see I do eat them
with disgust
Not going to Doctor Frege
Frege's to blame
for my being sick in the first place
Am I sick
I am sick
I am not sick
I tell your sister
I want to go to a concert
she takes out a season's subscription
I tell her I want a cream puff
and she regales me with dozens of them
I say I want to be left in peace
and she keeps asking if I want peace
If we made one mistake
we made thousands
if we fell in the brook once
we always fall in the brook
if we told one lie
we've always lied
Whatever we do and whatever we say
it's multiplied in the most diabolical fashion
But she transcribes my manuscripts
carefully
I must grant her that
But I'm very stingy with my praise
if we praise someone
we are immediately exploited
if we say something complimentary
we immediately pay the price
An earthquake to be sure
would have devastating consequences
but the old houses
don't collapse as we know
look at San Francisco
look at San Francisco
I wish this country
would disappear one day
or better still
some night all of a sudden
in an earthquake
this odious fatherland
off the face of the earth
Then again I think
we haven't got a better one
Here
you see
where I burned myself
a burn wound
not unintentionally
I held the candle
under my hand
until
it was half burnt through
and here on my neck I still have the marks
of my strangulation attempt
What have we here
asked the resident
in his sly manner
A strangulation attempt last night
I replied
at which he laughed out loud
Then why on earth didn't you hang yourself
properly
said the resident
Do you think I'm crazy
I replied
I'm not going to hang myself
you must know that
a strangulation attempt doesn't mean
that I intend to hang myself
no no I said
as you know
everything
concerning me
bogs down in the attempt
at which the resident
laughed out loud again
There's a thousand schilling bill
I said to him and now be off
he took the thousand schilling bill
and went
The residents are corruptible
and the residents' assistants
are most easily corrupted
It's only because I feed them
thousand schilling bills
that I'm still alive
Steinhof is an institution of
corruption
Those who haven't got any money
don't survive long
that's the truth
they hate every new arrival
they look forward to mine
Worringer's coming
runs like wildfire through Steinhof
it resounds through the whole
institution
Worringer the millionaire is coming
that's what they say
then all those white coats rush in
and bow and scrape
and let me feed them
If I were to say
they should wipe my behind
as I want it done
of course as I want it done
they would fight for the privilege
In return I let them abuse me
by calling me a philosopher
which they have long
grown accustomed to doing
And what have we got here
I bought you some new underpants
Freshly laundered and ironed
But these are wonderful cotton underpants
I wonder if they'll fit
They're your size
My size
My size you say
my size
My size
my size
maybe they are my size
But aren't they too soft
I hate soft underpants
I've always hated them
all my life
I had underpants which were too soft
You always wore silk underpants
Because my mother
had got it into her head
and I had got into the habit
and never anything but silk underpants
Very common coarse cotton underpants
They are
From Switzerland
Swiss cotton underpants
so-called Alpine cotton underpants
The dependable Mont Blanc underpants
Mont Blanc underpants
of course
the dependable Mont Blanc underpants
they really do fit
if I had my way I put them on at once
may I
No no
not here
not now
not here
for heaven's sake not in the dining room
here
no
But why not
If he wants to
why not put them on here and now
Fabulous
the dependable Mont Blanc underpants
Go on put them on here
why not
No you can't do that
That's simply preposterous
why shouldn't he put on
his underpants now
Not while I'm here
you can't do that
give them to me
be sensible
Why bring the underpants in now
if he's not permitted to put them on
Not permitted to
not permitted to permission denied
You're not permitted to
you heard didn't you
You have no shame
Silly idiot
She loves you
unhappily
now as always
she hasn't changed
she found out
you liked long coarse cotton underpants
immediately she bought
a pile of these long coarse underpants
Why didn't you put on
the underpants
you should have taken off your trousers
and put on your underpants
Oh you disgust me both of you
You should have put on the underpants
this false hypocritical modesty
From the day she was born
hypocritical
What do you think she's doing now
She's burying her face
in the underpants
which you held in your hands
Brings your underpants into the
dining room
then stops you
from putting them on
Where did you burn yourself
Where show me
I want to have another look show me
A big hole
With the candle you say
burned your own hand
Probably in the middle of the night
Did it hurt very much
But you didn't manage
to burn it right through
that would have been a triumph
to have burned right through your own hand
In complete secrecy
Are you mad
you'll break my neck
Shall we drink
black coffee
Yes of course
right Ludwig
Did you take a close look at her
Just as I told you
She buried her face
in your underpants
That's part of the therapy
isn't it
As long as father was alive
we weren't allowed to play the Eroica
Besides he hated Knappertsbusch
he loved Furtwangler
The Viennese all have
a Beethoven complex
a Schubert complex
or a Beethoven complex
they're all infected with it
in the wealthy suburbs
they're all infected
We are all wealthy suburbanites
wealthy suburbanites
that's what we are Ludwig
wealthy suburbanites
Now she's gone and fallen over
the silly idiot
stay here
Have you hurt yourself
Good lord you're bleeding
come here
Lost my footing
Indeed
Everything's driving me crazy
You're just too hard on yourself
Pity about the coffee
Oh never mind
it's a pity about the china
Grandmother's lovely china
It had to be grandmother's Bohemian china
Nervousness is an affliction
Probably a change in the weather
trouble brewing
probably
The things we like
are all of a sudden strewn on the floor
grandmother's lovely china
A fatality mechanism
I'm not going to Frege
not to Frege
Sisters underlined in red
infantilism
excessive infantilism
The century of uncertainty
Total stultification
at the turn of the millennium
Congregation of hypocrites
Chronic despondency
The director said
that a time would come
when even in Steinhof
there would be no more pea soup
Richesse oblige
don't forget that
Half a metre to the right
First clear it out
then push it
The clock must go
fought for a hundred years against illiteracy
and achieved nothing
If we publish it
then we'll be dead
Always preferred cotton
They didn't give me my doctorate
in Cambridge
they were all against me
although I wanted the doctorate
I always said that I didn't want it
and yet I wanted it
I said I didn't want it
it was a farce
and yet I wanted it
Wasn't given
to me
We're going astray with Schopenhauer
Great need for geometry
great need for coffee
no need for company
I asked for size five
they didn't have it
I had to wait three days
everybody wants
this cotton underwear nowadays
As we've got such a lot of china
it doesn't matter
True
A lot of sugar please
- Where is the sugar
- I'll get it
Do you still own the Norwegian log cabin
I thought
you'd sold it
And when are you going back to Norway
I don't know
Let's see you had to climb up a cliff
even to get to it
you can't do that any more
you're much too weak
You are the only privileged person
in Steinhof
You can do anything you want there
almost anything
That's because you pay
seven thousand a day
they'll let you stay on in Steinhof
for years and years
For heaven's sake do sit down
you're a bundle of nerves
it's not Ludwig who is
it's you
Rainy afternoon in all likelihood
best thing is to spend it in bed
I'll do some ironing
There's nothing nicer
than a rainy afternoon in bed
Ritter, Dene, Voss, intelligent actors.
During my work on the play,
which I completed two years
after writing that note,
my thoughts dwelt mainly on my friend Paul
and on his uncle, Ludwig Wittgenstein.
Th. B. June 1984
Subtitles by: ausmanx
it's always the same with him
BEFORE LUNCH
difficulties of interpretation
apathy
catafalquism he accuses us of
Did you tell him
that Doctor Frege is the only possible one
No I have to proceed carefully
Proceed gently Fraulein Worringer
the director said
The follow-up physician Doctor Frege
Between Steinhof and here
he hardly said a word hardly a word
Not even about Schopenhauer
No
And his Germanophobia
Not a word about the Germans
And his sore throat
Better
he's not coughing any more
Not a word about Frege
I don't feel like kicking the bucket
to save my brother
that's what I told the director
It's an instinct for self-preservation
to take my brother home
is what I said
I can't come to Steinhof every day
after all I'm not well myself
He looked at me uncomprehendingly
Do what you think is right he said
but don't forget that your brother
is extremely vulnerable
extremely vulnerable
Pointless to think about the inadmissible
While you only visited him once a week
I went to Steinhof every day
Day in day out
Destruction
self-destruction philosophical
that's what he said
threw his salami sandwich
into the toilet bowl
in front of my very eyes
Schopenhauer and washing his hands
Talked again about his log cabin
in Sognefjord
going on about Norway in his room
all the time
I didn't know
how to get him off the subject
and only the day before the word
Germanophobia all the time
The Norwegian quirk
Paid three million in two years
because we have no medical insurance
Catafalquism
You ought to have left him in peace
have left him in Steinhof
But it's only a trial
Which always ends in disaster
Tell me where are the sugar cubes?
In the left-hand drawer
Got himself completely snowed in
at Sils Maria
Burned all his Christmas presents
scornful laughter
shortage of breath afraid he was dying
Once again afraid of cancer of the tongue
Cancer of the tongue is not hereditary
Yes it is
How long has father been dead
Twenty years
He had the most beautiful death
that I can imagine
without the slightest pain
he went to sleep like a child
Only two days before
we had been to the opera
Turandot
Henry James conceived us
not our parents
that's what he said
Smothered in luxury
always just barely got away
You or I
to this very day
that will never change
I let him finish talking
Treatise on Logic Part One
Treatise on Logic Part Two
finally transcribed I said
all along the avenue
and back again
without contradicting
I said he should sit in the back seat
he didn't object at all
got in all by himself
the pills worked immediately
He wanted to go along Hill Road
we stopped at the Fischer House
he asked to get out
we got out
we took a short walk
he seemed quite calm
he looked down at the city
wanted to know where our house was
he couldn't find it at once
that annoyed him
There it is I said
that made him doubly annoyed
that I had found it before he had
I hadn't changed he said
And neither had you
sisters are the problem he said
thanked me for my transcribing
then I saw that he had no socks on
shoes on his bare feet
thanked me a second time for my typing
it was us father had loved he said
for him he only had hatred
suddenly he recited
his favourite sentence
the Schopenhauer sentence
quite calmly without the least agitation
I'd arranged
I said
for us to be alone
when he got home
just us siblings
no servants
no maid
We really only need the small kitchen
nobody but ourselves
To take a bath by myself
he said
without being stared at
by a keeper
He wanted to go for a stroll
we walked a little way into the woods
I said I had been to the cemetery
the family grave was neglected
the birch tree
had split the slab on the tomb
he was fascinated
that I should describe the grave to him
and how I did it
We simply have to take
our chances
One day you'll walk in the park with him
I'll do it the next day
I was against it
I'm still against it
I would never have taken him out
at least not right now
Now or never
I thought
Now he's agreed
You're totally absorbed in Ludwig
organised your whole life around him
With his consent
do bear that in mind
he wanted to come home now
I wouldn't have brought him home
not now of all times
Now you're back on stage
playing that blind woman
you know it's ridiculous
Precisely because
I'm returning to the stage
Self-realisation
what a disgusting word
this odious word crops up everywhere
self-realisation
there's nothing more repellent
there's nothing more stupid
it doesn't mean anything
the word self-realisation
but they all parrot it
doesn't matter who you are
you are after all realised
you are yourself
there isn't a more absurd word
or a more repellent one
than self-realization
and everyone uses it continuously
The phrase function of truth
is another example
I hate those words
all those terms
He said we were intelligent siblings
Perhaps you'll go with him
to Doctor Frege's
tomorrow afternoon
He only says what he's thought out
There always has to be fresh milk
in the house
that's important
I'll walk with him in the park every day
I said to the director
and I will be punctilious about his pills
Be careful
not to leave him on his own
when he cuts his toenails
the director said
always hang his coats up
so that the lining can't be seen
You must take your time with him
When he expounds his logic to you
you must listen to him
you must keep quiet
no comments you understand
no contradiction
as if we didn't know him better than that
and don't say
that you haven't understood
just as you mustn't say
that you have understood
What a repellent person that director is
polish his glasses
without his knowing
he said
and be sure to do it every day
because he doesn't polish them and thinks
he's bound to go blind
he's afraid of blindness
and of cancer of the tongue
I can reassure you cancer of the tongue
is not hereditary
For gentlemen like your brother
he said
coarse cotton underwear
is the right choice
don't ever give him silk underwear
believe me
common coarse cotton underwear
is best for him
That loud repellent director's voice
I hated it from the beginning
but we have to put up with these people
give useful hints of course
no matter how loathsome these people are
You would be well advised
to rub your brother down
at least once a week
with a Turkish towel
for six or seven minutes
and play part of the Eroica
while you're doing it
Beethoven means something very special
to your brother as you know
and do you know
what else he said quite expressly
don't ever give your brother
the impression that you are watching him
but don't ever let him out of your sight
It's not a bad idea
to have guests now and then
invite some people I should think
parties are good for him
To stay in London
and suffocate in London
for years he threatened us with that
I saved myself
I said to myself
it's my life not his
and what if he had suffocated in London
or in Cambridge
or in Norway in his log cabin
You went to bring him back
not me
The continent will be the death of me
that's what he wrote so often
on his postcards
A person who does not write manuscripts
but only superscriptions
lifelong logic
Nothing but blackmail
that's what he's always used against us
I saved myself
you became his slave
To stay in London
and to suffocate in London
and then the Norwegian blackmail
the so-called log cabin
designed against himself
Summer clothing fetishism
that's what he accused me of
spoiled my dancing lessons
when I read Goethe
he boxed my ears
he spied on me in town
called me a liar every chance he got
You've always hated him
That's always been your calumny
You've resented his every phrase
You've always hated his way of thinking
no matter what he did
you hated it
His hatred of children
has always scared me
I wonder
if he deliberately didn't wear socks
or whether he forgot to put them on
do you know what else the director said
I know you hate it
when your brother uses suspenders
please let him keep his suspenders
The doctors always think of everything
The whole time he said
Well-Tempered Clavier
while I was signing the release
I wonder whether Doctor Frege
is the right doctor
but he's the only one we have
To stay in London
and suffocate in London
On Sunday he wants to go
to the Musikverein
to the philharmonic concert
do you know what they are playing
Beethoven probably
and Schoenberg
and Webern
are you coming along
No
I hate those concerts
for years
it's been the same pieces
the same conductors
the same people
But with Ludwig
it will be quite different
The director says
these concerts are indispensable
therapeutic matinees so to speak
we can't let him go by himself
Why don't you come once at least
You haven't been to the Musikverein
in such a long time
We'll sit in Row Eight
our subscription seats
I'm bored by those matinees
But that is music
that can be heard over and over again
Not by me it isn't
it has all been heard
ultimately it's all been heard
and all been seen
That's your megalomania
Leave me in peace
I'm setting the table
and you sit reading the paper
as though it's not your business
Now you have your philosopher brother
in the house
and need to cope with him somehow
He's your brother as well
Yes but I didn't take him out of Steinhof
But we had both
discussed everything together
But you decided
to take him out of Steinhof
at your own risk
But don't you want him
home as well
he's your brother too
Yes
If we are here
together for him
after all it's not the first time
we've tried
There was nothing he wanted more
than to go to the Musikverein
on Sunday
Beethoven
Brahms
that Schoenberg always the same
that boring Webern
What there's too much of in Beethoven
there's too little of in Webern
I beg you
spare me the philharmonic concerts
why don't you two
take Doctor Frege with you
While I was drawing a bath for him
he twice said cryogenics philosophical
he wanted to make a note of it
so I ran to fetch his notepad
but when I got back
he screamed at me
that he had never said
cryogenics philosophical
and had not asked for his notepad either
he insisted
that I stay in the bathroom
until he was completely naked
I was to tell him that he was ugly
you're not ugly
you're beautiful
I said
and it wasn't a lie of course
of course he really is beautiful
The keepers always enjoy looking at me
the doctors too
he said
bunch of perverts
they enjoy beating me too
and I enjoy being beaten by them
and my fellow patients he said
enjoy looking at me too
and they enjoy beating me
But I never beat them
I never hit back he said
Naked Ludwig is a welcome sight he said
and immersed himself in the tub
I finally had to say three times
that he was ugly
after he had stood up quite straight
in front of me
and I had to say it with a straight face
and I did say it with a straight face
and it really wasn't a laughing matter
Why three times
I don't know
three times I had to say
you are ugly
I said it although I didn't want to
and while I did he touched
What
Oh you always bring me to the point
where I admit everything
Pervert
And you
Your brother's prick
driving you almost to distraction
isn't that it
You provoke him
into acting like that
you are both bogged down
in your infantilism
but that's your problem
and his problem
A postcard posted in the year
twenty-one
that's to say three years after
the end of World War I
posted in Linz
arrived in Vienna yesterday
It's the bath water
you run the bath water very hot
and that drives him crazy
and you take advantage of him
that's what it is
you do it on purpose
Gas explosion in the Third District
two housewives dead
mutilated beyond recognition
Our breakfasts
haven't changed in twenty years
not in thirty years
the same thing
on the same bread for thirty years
and drinking the same tea
with it
don't you think we should
do away with ourselves
for this reason alone
Two actresses from the Josefstadt Theatre
doing away with themselves
wouldn't that be a headline
Played the viola
you did that too
I played the piano you the viola
because Uncle Friedrich played the viola
Had to
I heated it up
Of course what else
Heated it up yourself at any rate
For twenty years
you've been transcribing his manuscripts
I'm convinced that one day
they will even be printed
they'll be published by a major house
Logic I
Logic II
with the assistance of my sister etcetera
Without you after all
there would be no manuscript by him
he thinks it out
and you type it
put it in order
even the spelling
you transcribe it
without you there wouldn't be a Ludwig
any more
nothing of his
that's to your credit
one day he calls it art
then again
philosophy
or he calls it nonsense
and when he dictates to you
he despises you
but you're happy enough to type it
you are completely absorbed in his dictation
Our brother is a genius
not a fool
one day they'll be working on him
at all the universities in America
everywhere even though
he calls everything he's written nonsense
not senseless nonsense
The Steinhof sojourns
are his summer vacations
instead of going to Sils Maria with us
he goes to Steinhof
instead of going to Lucerne with us
he goes to Steinhof
Not even a Christmas with us
our holiday hater
sings in the choir at Steinhof
on Christmas Eve
in his institutional clothes
father told him
he wouldn't be any good
even in the acting business
that was the most scathing indictment
When people ask about his relatives
he says my sisters are actresses
at the Josefstadt
not without talent
my father died of cancer of the
tongue
The acting business
that's all that was left for us
nothing more
I never wanted a profession
and you
I don't know
You had stage presence
Yes perhaps
In comedies
and tragedies
Just because our uncle
was a theatre manager
The daughters of Worringer
the industrial tycoon
fled to their theatre manager uncle
out of boredom
had had enough of life
ended up in the Josefstadt Theatre
If you say so
He always called you the gifted one
the one for whom there was hope
I was always the untalented one
for whom there was no hope
Because he loved us our uncle
Genteel daughters of genteel ladies
in insipid plays
with background music
And because our brother hated it
we joined the theatre
that was a decisive factor
because our brother hated the theatre
and because our parents hated the theatre
hatred of the theatre
was the greatest in our family
Perhaps
And Ludwig took the philosophical route
suicidal
a lone-wolf suicidal
Logic I
Logic II
written alternately in London and Norway
typed up by his sister
his eccentric magnum opus
by his older sister of course
The precision instrument
as he calls you
that's what you've been for twenty years
If you play the piano
you cannot type
that was my good fortune
but typing and playing the viola
that's all right
It's always your unhappiness
which speaks out
And in your case it's just your happiness
I want to set the table for him
just as he loves it
just as mother used to set it
just as father loved it
Geometrimania
even on the dining table
exercises in submissiveness
After all it's only a try
The eighteenth
or the nineteenth
Anna cooking would be better of course
but we would have had to put up with her
this way we're alone
undisturbed
just the three of us the first time
for a long while
The first evening is the most
difficult of all
No candles
he hates candles on the table
hatred of illumination
He always liked clear soups
With his shoes on his bare feet
and reciting the Schopenhauer sentence
and three times you had to say
that he was ugly
Again and again the word antipathy
while walking back to the car with him
Ludwig is a fanatic about cleanliness
pathological naturally
like our father
but father didn't carry it to such extremes
and father didn't end up in Steinhof
Worringer the industrial tycoon
who used to wash his hands
thirty times a day
and nobody knew about it
except us
Transcribed the so-called dualism chapter
last night
not a wink
only wondering
how shall I bring him home
on the phone with the director twice
And don't forget
two tablets thrice a day not three twice
already enough to drive me crazy
the way the director continually said
intelligent man
Your philosopher brother
is over the worst he said
but remember
that he'll be vulnerable all his life
In Zurich it was nice
do you remember
free and easy
He only dictates what he's thought out
Our anti-Kant
It answers a need in him
to dictate to me
it's all therapeutic the director said
That's the death penalty
I pronounce on you
said Ludwig my dictating to you
or at least and in any case
a life sentence
even worse
always on the brink of insanity
never going over the brink
but always on the brink of insanity
if we leave that border region
we are dead
Going to Rome now
you don't need me
you are the really important person
in his life not me
I'm just a burden
I'm the one who makes him nervous
I can't even cook
I can't even heat things up
Everything still
the way our parents furnished it
nothing's been changed
since our parents died
I would have cleared everything out
everything
but you objected
now you're almost suffocating here
But you could have gone away
to Rome for example
or to Amsterdam
I wouldn't have put any obstacles
in your path
but then you'd forfeit your contract
Didn't go away
that's it
but not for Ludwig's sake like you
because I couldn't
because you've always paralysed me
kept me chained up
and not because of the Josefstadt either
I kept you chained
You are completely independent
you've always been free to do
what you liked
but you didn't want to go away
You blame me you've always blamed me
for chaining you to this house
but you could have gone at any time
wherever you liked
True
I often said go
you didn't go
I was never interested in men
but you were
and yet you stayed
Not for Ludwig's sake
Ludwig Ludwig
I'm here for Ludwig
but not you
you stayed
because you didn't want to take risks
because of the Josefstadt
that's the truth
Your truth
My truth
Ludwig means everything to me you said
Now he's back in your gilded cage
And you
My favourite brother
my favourite philosopher you said
My favourite brother
my favourite philosopher
Your anti-Kant
You've never done more
than put up with Ludwig
never really looked after him
but then you are the younger sister
Why are you always talking about Rome
and Paris
and you don't go
I've only ever known you to lie in bed
eating what Anna has cooked
reading the paper
and forever disappointed in love
After mother's death you started talking
the way she talked
to this day
adopted her way of walking
you even tug at your hair
like mother
and you have the same way of saying
supper
and you sit there and say nothing
just like mother
and you say Ludwig like her
every time you say Ludwig
I hear mother saying Ludwig
To Rome
next week
or to Normandy
or the Shakespeare at the Josefstadt
after all
as long as it gets me out of here
And in a just a few days
you'll be back
that's your misfortune you know
You're quite right there
you're my clairvoyant
You have always directed everything
to your misfortune
Your brother is right
you attract your misfortune
Some attract it
some repel it
I always felt you two
were going behind my back
In our elementary school
you were five years ahead of me
my whole life
but we have unhappiness
both of us
you have yours
I have mine
you cook
when you have no alternative
I read the papers
newspaper addiction
for which you blame me
I never blame you for anything
myself yes
but not you
To Budapest with Ludwig
without saying a word
I didn't blame you
to The Magic Flute with Ludwig
all behind my back
no blame from me
I always swallowed it all
as they say
I was always watching everything
you've straightened everything out
I don't know
who suffered more
Disease is a sacred process
religion he said
you think I don't see
what you are to him
We shall never find a way out of
our errors
Bought five shirts
the most expensive
took them to Steinhof
and he didn't wear a single one
gave them all away
after all
it's my money too
our money
Refractoriness
he explained it to me
the last time I visited him
snow falling outside the window
he said then he was going blind rapidly
complained as usual that there were bugs
that the door to the terrace was stuck
that the windows wouldn't close
I'll phone that Doctor Frege
Seven hundred schillings for ten minutes
there's doctors for you
we ask them to suggest a way to help
but they make no suggestions
they don't help
But Doctor Frege
has known him longest
an experienced doctor
as far as Ludwig is concerned
He looks for sympathy
but he offends everybody
he antagonises everybody
Indifference to philosophy on your part
he got back to that again
the stupid sister
that's what you are
I'm the officious one
witless both of us
He needs me
I'm the one he depends on
not on you
but you're the one he loves
Me
it's you he loves
you
the useful one
I'm the useless one
whom he hates
You're the one he's always favoured
first favoured
then loved
you are the one closest to him
Cutlery china
everything has to be perfect
he sees everything
and we're afraid he might see something
that he shouldn't
Even as a child
a horror of dirty cutlery
Always a fresh napkin
and most demanding when it came to food
A fresh shirt three times a day
Fresh bed linen every other day
Our parents
invested everything in him
he was their child
what were we
We were conceived by
Henry James
we were not their children
That's what father always said
in his need to inflict pain
and Ludwig says it too
father thought just the way Ludwig does
One was the industrial tycoon
the other the philosophical tycoon
Oh nonsense
Ludwig is so infirm
and so frail
That's what you think
that's how you see him
because that's how you want to see Ludwig
that's how you have to see him
these people appear so infirm
but they're stronger than anyone
But I know but I can see
how helpless he is
He has you in his power
totally
Ludwig is a brute
that's the truth
and you know it too
a thug with philosophical intentions
but you can't admit that to yourself
that would screw up your whole concept
Never before
have so many Italians come to Vienna
inundating the city
Everything Austrian
fascinates the Italians
Austrian history
Austrian art
everything Austrian
If not for Ludwig we wouldn't
be here at all
we wouldn't be here any longer
everything would have been sold
you perhaps would be in Rome
who knows where I would be
Ludwig holds us together
He ruined us long ago
he annihilated us
But you don't even believe that yourself
you won't tell him to his face
and anyway it's a lie
Insofar as truth
is also just a lie
everything is a lie according to Ludwig
a lie and a falsehood
Ludwig is your property and vice versa
Ludwig owns you
and I am condemned
to keep looking at this depravity
Oh how everything gets on my nerves
in this place
You really are the most ruthless
person
unscrupulously ruthless
But Rome would be just as unbearable
Because we've already seen everything
Where does our brother get the right
to possess us
The Josefstadt is my salvation
I will act again
it doesn't matter what I play
Whatever you can do
I can do too
Turn one's back on the theatre
that was just insincere posturing
for the sake of a philosophical thug
We must be on our guard
against him
he's intent on
ruining us completely
for years
for decades he's worked his destruction
We are the ones who need help
not him
we are the victims
not him
it's ourselves we must help
not him
Our mental cripple
is destroying us
has almost succeeded in destroying us
that's his triumph his doing
You're getting worked up
when sober reflection alone
is appropriate
you've plunged headlong
into your Ludwig complex
he said that didn't he
not you
Even if he did say it
you do have a Ludwig complex
If only you could finally realise
that this cul-de-sac
is the only possible existence for us
but you're not ready to do that
you are still too young
To have swallowed
the logician's bait
that's what's so repellent
A soothing atmosphere
secure and warm
that's what our father always said
Ludwig has often repeated
that phrase
mocking father
that phrase has become so absurd
with the passage of time
By and by
this house has become a hell for us
The Worringer hell
that's how Ludwig himself has often
referred to it
But really can't you see
we have in fact turned this house
into a Worringer hell
and not even innocently
we have consciously made this house
into this Worringer hell
you just won't admit
who is the devil in that hell
After the soup a slice of melon
I don't think that's wrong
I don't think that's wrong
perhaps you should refrain
from drinking wine
if he sees
that you're drinking wine
All right
I'll restrain myself
but just this once
just this one first time
It would be better
if Anna were here
you'll spend the whole time
running between kitchen and dining room
he's always hated that
housewives running
from dining room to kitchen
maddening
You've never liked me
even as a very small child
you hated me
He likes clear soup
he hates so-called thick soup
At first our parents
spoon-fed him
then we did
it's sickening
the way you constantly spoon-feed him
It was always said that he was
our little weakling
until he turned into that monster
the little helpless child turned into
that megalomaniac
that philosopher
Beware of the weak
our father always used to say
for they are in fact the strong
the weak rule us
not the strong
the so-called rules us
not the actual the real the factual
We are constantly shying away
from everything
he doesn't shy away from anything
he only cares about thinking
but who's to say
that his thinking amounts to anything
perhaps what he thinks is all mere
nonsense
perhaps he's always thought nonsense
since he really is mad after all
since in fact he calls Steinhof
his real home
My Ludwig you say
and you think
my Ludwig my philosopher
when in reality he is only your fool
your favourite fool
the brother as the favourite fool
as the favourite perversity
There's nothing to say to that
That's your strong suit
what you have in common with Ludwig
to say nothing
when everything should be said
not to respond
when everything is asked
You two will soon smother me completely
with your hypocrisy
You stir the soup
thinking about how best to torture me
while our brother
amuses himself at our stupidity
he philosophises
in order to destroy me
you stir the soup
for the same reason
For thirty years
the same argument
Just the way our father
used to argue with our uncle
but then it wasn't about Ludwig
but about the factory
it was just as odious
I imagined this evening would be
so beautiful
After months for the first time
to be dining again together with Ludwig
just the three of us
undisturbed
Sibling affection
a threesome
You have always planned
everything in your head
and tried with all your power
to put plans into action
without regard for others
You took Ludwig out of the institution
you sent Anna away
you decided who sat where
at this table
it's always you that's done everything
And Ludwig doesn't even know
that he owes everything he is
to you
You decided to take up the typewriter
I the piano
as a second artistic activity
Developed a taste for it
that's it
You transcribe what he has thought out
At the very height of craziness
you type out what he has thought
and I play the piano while you do it
improvising philosophically so to speak
at the piano
I took four pairs of shoes to Steinhof
in two weeks
and he gave them all away
Humanitarian megalomania
You're against anything and everything
that's your misfortune
But our brother
is our genius
domiciled to be sure in Steinhof
but matter for discussion
at English universities
achieved the status of a topic
for dissertations in philosophy
Refuge in the theatre
didn't do us any good
playacting nothing more
Utensils
that's what he calls us
you who protect him
screen him so to speak
a utensil
and he abuses us
you
who type up his thinking
who reproduce him so sedulously
sacrifices her nights
for his thoughts
Bought five shirts for him
and then I meet all those people
wearing them
The director had Ludwig's hat on
while he was talking to me
your brother you know
presented me with his hat
then I had to put it on
a bet you know
I bet your brother
that I would keep his hat on my head
while you were in my office
I cannot tell you what the stakes were
but as you can see
I am in the process
of winning the bet
Don't think madam
said the director
that I am crazy
of course everyone says
all directors of madhouses are crazy
directors are crazier than the patients
entrusted to their care
people say that
because it's what they like to hear
No no a bet
nothing more
Furthermore the director said
your brother has completed
the Kierkegaard chapter
which he'd been working on
for eight months
Steinhof the philosopher's retreat
he said
several times
Steinhof the philosopher's retreat
Your brother will be very famous one day
and then people will say
here in Steinhof
is where his work was born
and we hope that then they will also say
that here in Steinhof he completed it
That odious voice you know it very well
My hand shook as I signed
It's your responsibility of course
the director said
Suddenly Ludwig was there
and said
you've won the bet director
Ludwig took the hat off the director's head
and put it on
This hat
is much too small for me said Ludwig
took the hat off again
and put it back on the director's head
You've won the bet
my respects to you Ludwig said
then he wrote out a cheque
and put that cheque
in the director's coat pocket
And then what happened
Nothing
I said come along Ludwig
let's go
let's leave this place quickly
The director accompanied me
out of the door
Ludwig had gone on ahead
And then
people were standing around everywhere
because it was visiting hours you know
and he blew kisses to them
then he put his hand in his coat pocket
to fetch a bundle of hundred schilling bills
and started waving it about
suddenly distributing the whole bundle
bill by bill among the people
Patients and visitors fighting
over the hundred schilling bills
And you did nothing to stop him
No
I wanted to take him out of the institution
without a struggle
he was quite calm
now and again someone would call to him
by his first name
Ludwig
and time and again he would blow kisses
to them all
Dualism that's what it is
he exclaimed several times
catafalquism
militarism
he got wrapped up in these words
then suddenly he embraced me and said
how happy I am
that you are here
You went to fetch him
not me
he can't accuse me
of fetching him away
Wasn't that
what you were after
in wanting me to come along with you
to fetch him
a sort of complicity
when he realises it was a mistake
to take him out at this juncture
Complicity
that's what you wanted
that's why you suggested this morning
that I should come with you to fetch him
no no I didn't fetch him
you fetched him
Why do you always assume
only the worst
Whatever I do
has in your eyes
an ulterior motive
your life is one long need
to be suspicious
You do nothing
without a reason
The older one is always responsible
that's it
you've used that against me
for ever
No no
Ludwig got into the car quite calmly
the director was still bowing
when we were already
more than a hundred metres away
Was he sure he had packed everything
and taken everything with him
I asked Ludwig
by then we were already driving
along Hill Road
yes he said
everything
What sort of part
is the blind woman
a big part
Only one short appearance
two sentences that's all
And you subject yourself to that
After all I haven't acted
for four years
but this interests me
fascinates me
and besides it won't wear me out
completely
Two sentences
spoken by a blind woman
I'm not worried
about playing a big part
I could have if I'd wanted to
no no two sentences
but how
You were always ambitious
on the stage
you never took chances
Every chance my dear every chance
Yes every chance
The many walk-on parts
I've played
when I could have played
the very biggest
It's not a question of how long
an actor is on the stage
it's merely a question of how
two or three minutes of brilliant theatre
Of course of course
Our views
were always not only different
always opposed
You always only wanted to play big parts
I never did
The difference is
that because of Ludwig
I didn't act for four years
not like you
because I didn't get a big part
I could have played a big part
at any time
Ludwig made it impossible
In any event
a sacrifice to Ludwig
As you see it
Your talent is the greater of the two
your talent is the opposite of mine
You're a born histrionic
I don't mean that in a pejorative sense
on the contrary
you're an actress through and through
I have to give my all every time
everything comes easily to you
because to the genius
everything comes easily
The genius
An actor is never a genius
interpreters are not geniuses
least of all actors
And nothing I've ever done
has come easily
that's where you're wrong
I know that I can be good
for only three minutes
and so I only appear for three minutes
I was never ambitious to do
a whole play a so-called big part
But you also played big parts well
even the ones where you're on all the time
it didn't matter what
it was always good
no one could have acted those parts
like you
no question of that
Whatever is going on inside my sister
I wonder
to make her so unhappy
she has everything
everything a person can have
and is unhappy
I'm not really an actress at all
I just wanted to be among people
that was the reason
possibly I did have a modest talent for it
an urge to play-act probably
you've always had that too
but not professionally
anything professional
has always put me off
only because I didn't want to isolate myself
that's the truth
just to be allowed to attend rehearsals
when I was in acting school
was my salvation you know
not actual interest in the art of acting
No certainly not
To be together with people of our own age
And of course the fact
that our uncle had shares in the Josefstadt
and was also manager of the theatre
played a part
without him I would not
have taken up acting later on
They need a girl in the Shakespeare
you're it my child
that was all
the rest is history
You're quite a different case
a real actress
quite consciously
with the highest aspirations
You are much better than I am you know
but in the end
fortune was always on my side
that's what it is nothing else
specious good fortune
Our rivalry in the theatre
I never took it seriously
when you acted well
I was always pleased
It's time
he'll come
Ludwig
LUNCH
Walking tall
do you know what that means
all the time till now I couldn't
suddenly walking tall again
According to regulations
She brought me the wrong paper
and made it impossible
for me to write down chapter six
everything lost
finished
I had told her the paper
on which I wrote Logic I
but she wasn't listening
Flying the kite in Glossop
do you remember
the time in England
a nice time
Then he went to England
and studied mathematics
said the director
Of course I heard everything
that he said
it isn't the Norwegian problem
it's the Cambridge problem
said the director
Time and again from a wealthy family
he said
and volunteered for the army
Then mathematics got the upper hand
for what is philosophy if not mathematics
mathematics on the brink
Once I drew him the propeller blade
that I had constructed
on a piece of official stationery
he was astonished
I don't want a single room I said
please not a single room
and then wouldn't you know
a single room
a single room if you please
It isn't the log cabin problem he said
it's the Cambridge problem
The rich simply have
the most difficulties of any
he said that
Our sister confided to him
that at eighteen
I slept with our mother
She said it without any trace
of embarrassment
that amused the director
I would not have said that
tattle-tale
He first experimented
with kites and balloons
and then he turned to propulsion motors
she said
she thought that I was in my room
all the time I was in the director's office
waiting for her
she had no way of knowing
She and the director were discussing
a trip to Madrid she wants to take
on her own
If you had paid attention
to what I was saying
everything would not now be lost to me
I said to her
you have destroyed everything of mine
I can't make any notes on this paper
Irritation ensued
she left me at once
I saw how she hated me
she hated everything as she went away
she even persecuted my fellow sufferers
with her hatred
I did not read the newspapers
which she had brought along for me
I distributed them
I should not have done that
they all started dancing beside themselves
with the fun of the papers
She thinks she types
without making any mistakes
she makes nothing but mistakes
and yet there is nothing easier
than typing from a neat manuscript
She says she's returning to the stage
she's going to act again
Yes
A comedy isn't it
Sisters actresses
theatre birds
stage twitter
My idea was
to go further
than all the others
beyond all the others
We are chained to oddities
Do you understand me
to oddities
and suffocate in monotony
Do you remember Glossop
Yes of course
How little has happened to us since then
For heaven's sake
Ludwig says
that you brought him the wrong paper
and that made him lose a lot of time
How long has it been
since Glossop
Twenty-two years
I know exactly
my greatest disappointment
Speak for yourself
I was happy in Glossop
I read a biography of Mozart
I was in bed the whole time
with a sore throat
while you and Ludwig
were experimenting with the kite
My kite experiment
my definitive discovery
But I discovered something quite different
from what I thought I had
Years later I knew
that in Glossop I had discovered
something quite different
I had a decisive share
in that discovery
Of course
I was terribly ill
You didn't want to go to Glossop
you got ill in Glossop
because you didn't want to go
a fever on the very first day
Glossop had a decisive influence on me
Yes you regenerated yourselves in Glossop
But I love
biographies of artists
that was my advantage
My sore throat was only half as bad
with Mozart there
She's playing a blind woman
short role
on stage for two perhaps three minutes
perhaps she'll taste blood
I'm sure
it will do her good
A good thing we never completely broke
our connections with theatre people
I've always cultivated contacts
with theatre people
but I'm not ready to take
just any part
but even if we don't perform
we must keep in shape
I work at my art every day you understand
Two artists for sisters
I don't know
has that brought me good luck or bad
more bad luck than good
certainly more bad luck
My Ludwig
the way he thinks
our egoist
Wouldn't you like another slice of melon
She brought me five shirts
and I gave them all away
of course that annoyed her
but it's my money after all
The philosopher gives his thoughts away
it is his thinking after all
In Skjolden I thought
I can't go on
The director said
that was my Norwegian problem
the log cabin idyll
In the evening before going to bed
we have inspection
and the doctor insists
that we answer our names
He says good night
then we say good night
the light is put out automatically
Put out automatically
Not bad food
in the institution
Everyone may eat as much as he wants
the problem is
I have no one to converse with in the night
they all sleep soundly
The nights in Steinhof are absolutely quiet
Now you're at home
and you can do what you want
Now everything
connected with Steinhof is over
forget it
would you like to hear some music
No
I've bought a new Ninth
Yes
Walking tall
do you know what that means
The afternoon walk
will do you good
or whatever you like
Perhaps you want to read
make some music perhaps
or we'll invite company
What company
Company
people
Who would you like to see
Perhaps it's better if we don't
invite people right away
perhaps it's best if you simply sleep
as long as you want
Rest
rest rest rest
Or do you want to dictate to me
in the afternoon
I spent the whole night with you
with the chapter on dualism
to be quite honest
I don't understand any of it
Is the front gate locked
Of course
There's a draft
be sure to close the kitchen door
there is a draft isn't there
I'm so susceptible to drafts
She's the one who's sick
not you
she's one who's sick
It's good that you're here
we were suffocating each other
Our sister suffers
from paranoia
between you and me
she tyrannises Anna
daft about cleanliness
not a moment's peace
paces up and down in her room
rushes into mine and asks
whether I have an earache too
I ask her why I should have an earache
she says because I have an earache
a terrible earache
I can't sleep all night
because she's running up and down
in her room
When I go into her room
she'll be sitting in front of her jewel box
shoves her bed with her own hands
first into one corner then the other
Two water-diviners were there
they kept putting your bed
into a different place
now it's back in the place
where it always was
she thinks she's alone
brushes your clothes for hours on end
while I'm there all the time
watching her
she opens all the drawers in your room
takes everything out
wipes down all the drawers
when I went into her room
last week
she had your dress trousers on
frightened to death
she said she didn't know
what had made her
put on your dress trousers
Meat
She sits at the window naked
and spoons up her yoghurt
as she listens to the Schumann
piano concerto
I don't want any more meat
I don't know
what she'll do in Madrid
she's never said anything
relating to Madrid
She has a cactus
in her room
a thirty-year-old cactus
Please close the door
Ludwig looks well
like he's just back
from vacation
He does
He doesn't look a bit
like a philosopher
But what does a philosopher
look like
Like you
since you are a philosopher
Philosopher philosopher
anti-artist
Just come back from vacation
While we sweltered in this humidity
almost suffocating
our Ludwig was on vacation
I got the right paper for you
A thousand sheets
a whole packet
on your desk
I brushed your clothes
pressed your trousers
everything freshly laundered
No more Steinhof smell
No more Steinhof smell
And if it rains in the afternoon
then it is most pleasant
not to have the feeling
that you have to do anything
Read a bit
when the sky darkens
draw the curtains
read
I can't bother with that
when there's so much to do
and everything falls to me
more or less
A matinee
which was always our salvation as children
is now out of the question
afternoon tea at Aunt Margaret's
how easy it was then
to escape from despair
a cup of cocoa
and the map on the floor
that's no longer enough
Soon it won't even be enough
to take a biography to bed with you
Music is very often a salvation
You're right
but soon we'll not even bear
listening to music
when suddenly and then for ever
our ears hate music
because we misuse it
in order to survive so to speak
Thinking is quite undisturbed
by that
however much we misuse it
it is always possible
after a while
everything begins to get on our nerves
not thinking
the person who thinks
can grow old with impunity
Or have a crazy idea
all your life
a single crazy idea
Listening reading looking
that's all nothing
compared with this one single crazy idea
but that is my problem
A mathematical solution naturally solved
absolutely mathematically
How miserable I feel sometimes
just like a dying man
then suddenly everything's all right again
because I think
I shall overcome everything just by thinking
not by being thoughtful
by thinking
I didn't intend
to come here
My sisters are my destroyers
they annihilate me
that's what I always tell myself
I said to the director
when my sister comes
tell her
that I don't want to go home
if I go home
it will be the death of me
family means death
and I have no friends
if I disregard the fact
that my fellow patients are my friends
But she was relentless
I didn't want to run the risk
of quarreling with her
lack of comprehension is the one bond
between myself and my sisters
that's what I thought
you do understand me don't you
you've always understood me better
than your sister
she has always only understood herself
But I shall only stay home
for a very short time
I said to the director
Two three days
I'd be dead on the fourth you know
There was a swallow
in the kitchen
hurt itself on the window
That Anna only makes a mess
I pay her the highest wages
and she only makes a mess
nothing is in its proper place
everything's dirty
the tragedy is
that we are at the mercy of these people
they exploit us blackmail us
slander us into the bargain
they drag us down into the dirt
wherever they can
treachery from below
is vile
Father was right
Write a letter to Ireland
this afternoon
it's long overdue
I'll write and tell them
not to come
what do they want here
we haven't seen them for twenty years
and just now of all times
I never could stand
our Irish relatives
a very polite letter of refusal
the afternoon will be ideal for that
I said to the director
that I knew
how to deal with a philosopher
gently I said
at which he laughed
Laughed
I'll start acting again in the autumn
Shakespeare
that's the plan
My sisters are actresses
I told the director
when I saw him for the first time
be careful
they're stinking rich
and are actresses
That was all I needed I said
for my sisters to be slaves of the theatre
not without talent I said
but I hate the theatre
there is nothing I find more odious
but the fact is
that we have to make the best
of what we find the most odious
Don't think I'm going to
commit suicide
which is what my relatives are afraid of
it's an idea of course
but I demand a natural death
whatever that may be
I shan't do away with myself
never fear
So even during my first stay
they let me keep my suspenders
As you see
I said to the director this very morning
I have not done away with myself
You've known me these twenty years
and to this day I haven't done away
with myself
Death after all comes to us of itself
when we want it I said to the director
we don't have to force it
Here's a lovely piece of meat Ludwig
perhaps you still have room
We have our terminal disease
and know
that we shall die of it
we can hasten this process of dying
hold it up drag it out
if we want to
but of course we know
that all that is just a matter
of a short space of time
and we say to ourselves
at least let us pursue this thought
a bit further
throw that one away
write this line down
complete the chapter
that's what gives us our greatest pleasure
that's why we go on existing
for no other reason
for except that we think
and cling to what we think
as far as we can
nothing is of interest to us anymore
I mean my thinking
and I
We certainly didn't go to England
for a pleasure trip
but because we wanted to invigorate
our thinking
to replace something stale
with something completely new
I didn't go to Cambridge
to get my English Ph.D.
not for such a trifle
but because I saw a chance there
of thinking further
than I had been able to up to that point
All ties to relatives etcetera broken off
for that purpose alone
We cannot think
when we are tied to people and their needs
That does not mean
that people do not interest us
on the contrary
all we've done was directed at them
with the greatest intensity
we have to free ourselves from them
Always sought simplicity
but never found it
nothing but the process of our dying
which makes us possible
We strive our whole lives just
for two or three pages of immortal writing
we want no more
but it is the highest goal all the same
The director did not understand
what I said
the director's way of thinking
isn't my way of thinking
he isn't willing
to think my thinking
although it would be possible
for him to think my thinking
But I only have the director in
Steinhof
the patients are complete dullards
that's what's so fascinating
that they are such complete dullards
At last walking tall again
do you two know what that means
It's only when we are sick
that we are happy
I thought
that everything would be different
but you haven't altered it
Everything will be different I thought
Cling to everything
that's characteristic of you
It can only be a short visit
What are you saying
Only a short visit
The inferiority of life
we become quite conscious of it
when we return to a house like this
which we have left forever
We're going back
we're going back
don't you understand
It's all right to let my sister think
that I'm going back home
I have no intention
so I said to the director
of turning my back on Steinhof
this is my home
nowhere else I said
My room is always at my disposal
I've got used to Steinhof
I shall die in Steinhof
not here
there is nothing more repellent
than dying in one's parents' house
you two may do that
it suits you
it doesn't suit me
For one moment I thought
it would be nice
just for a moment
We are always searching for the right path
and are always on it already
Perhaps I am crazy
it's possible
Made it specially for you Ludwig
your favourite gravy
For heaven's sake leave him in peace
I put myself out
but it's not appreciated
You know it's nothing more
than a process of atrophy
irresistible existence
to escape from boredom
but success is impossible
boredom
which is interrupted only
by fear of death
being irrevocably alone
I thought
but it was no use
crawled away to a hole in Norway
for the sake of an inadmissibility
cooped up in a wooden hut
with an idea
without success
destroyed everything in the end
years of chastisement
years of discipline
everything burned in a single moment
In Norway too
they refused me entrance to the inn
one glance sufficed to turn me away
I thought
anyone as undemanding as myself
cannot gain admittance
We have millions in our trouser pocket
and cannot do anything with them
Thinking things over is not stimulating
but nauseating
that's what's bad about it
but it only has value
when it's nauseating
nauseating people
valuable people
We have tried everything
and at the end
we are always left on our own
Desserts were always
your forte
Veal beef pork
always ended up
in a disaster of frying oil and batter
Mother couldn't cook
she detested the kitchen
But since you're helping out
with the cooking and
She only heated the food up
heated the food up
it's not half bad
I didn't want Anna to be here
when you came home
Came home came home
This isn't my home
When we submit to surgery
our lives can under certain circumstances
be lengthened
but I don't want that
Probability is something I hate
We really do
enter into a contract
but we break it
every contract has to be broken
When we've signed a contract
we have to break it
Contracts are fatal
Either we don't sign one
or if we have signed one
it has to be broken by us
the whole of humanity
is held together by contracts
and is suffocated by those contracts
This was the moment I feared
when I should have to
take exactly the same place
that I sat in all through my childhood
and most of my youth
opposite my father
I always hated him
I wished him dead
his death had no effect on my hatred
All odious people
from whom we have everything
There is no reason
to resume contact with the dead again
Those who spawned us
have ill rewarded us
for being their children
We are after all
not the product of their minds
It's true isn't it
it's nothing more than calculated mockery
The dining room
the source of every calamity
Father mother children
nothing but players in hell
everything of any value
always drowned in soups and sauces
whenever I had a real thought
whenever I had a valuable thought
mother drowned it in her soup
whenever I had a real feeling
whenever I had a valuable feeling
she smothered it in her sauce
And father unscrupulously tolerated
what mother killed in me
that's why I hated this dining room
always hated it
from this place
from father's place
nothing but death sentences
were pronounced
your fate was no different
but I wasn't as crafty as you two
I always fell into the trap
with a more or less cool head
Our parents weren't ashamed
not even mother
although shame
should have been her duty
I really had to hate them
and hate them all my life
in order to save myself
first the English detour
then the Norwegian one
thought Cambridge University
was the answer
then thought the log cabin
in Sognefjord was
we give everything up
in order to gain everything
and at the end we are worth less
than at the beginning
To think we made music together
as though it had been
thousands of years ago
What about it
do you still play the viola now and then
No no
We give up almost everything
when we give up the instrument
which we have learned to play
Acting
is really a coarse art after all
playing an instrument
is an entirely different matter
when an actor speaks
I have the constant feeling
that the world is a vulgar place
it's quite different from the way I feel
when a viola player plays the viola
or even just the piano
if it's played well of course
Only a few weeks ago
I had an idea
of going back to Norway
but now I'm too weak for that
And besides that of course
I have no reason to go back to Norway
Why don't we just wait and see
what Doctor Frege says
Frege
what makes you think of Doctor Frege
I've made an appointment for you
for tomorrow afternoon
Nonsense
there's no point
in my going to Doctor Frege
the man is a fool
he's worse even than all the others
he drove our parents
into an early grave too
there are doctors
who only accelerate disease
Frege what a bungler
And you made an appointment for me
tomorrow afternoon
I'm not going
What do you say
your sister simply announces
that tomorrow afternoon
I am to see Doctor Frege
I'm not going to any more doctors
I'm not consulting any more doctors
Aren't you going to eat any more
Oh leave him in peace
it really isn't so wonderful
that we can't resist it
I'm sure it isn't
since you two have hardly eaten
I remember
last time Frege was here
and I was present
that archbishop was also here
those people suit each other
a man like Frege
ruthless obtuse
and a man like that archbishop
devious through and through
Those Freges etcetera
are horrible people
who we constantly run from
but who catch up with us
time and time again
at first it's our parents
then it's our teachers
then it's those Freges etcetera
You'd better beware of that Frege
of those doctors
and those medical superintendents
especially the specialists
All those people obfuscate
the areas in which we have less and less
freedom of movement
Always hated
always detested
art nouveau perversity
Norwegian concentration
English intensity
I'm not going to see Doctor Frege
How dare you make an appointment for me
with Doctor Frege
To go behind my back with Doctor Frege
Inability to concentrate
Can't I even get a glass of water
in this house
Frege that murderous Frege
No doctor please
please no doctor
they've all spelt nothing but misfortune
for me
I want to kick the bucket on my own
without doctors
Your post-prandial
states of exhaustion
Not Frege
Frege no
The director thought
the first few days would be the hardest
You ought to lie down after meals
I've made a wonderful dessert
all by myself
not Anna I did it
cream puffs
your favourite dessert
Cream puffs fresh from the oven
Everything will be running smoothly soon
it all takes time
Of course you're exhausted
But I'm not exhausted
what do you mean exhausted
a state of excitement
isn't exhaustion at all
The name Frege
ought not to have been mentioned
That Frege
I spoke to the director
I said
what sort of doctor is best for my brother
in his present condition
Frege said the director
my colleague Frege of course
No doctor
least of all Frege
Incompetent people
The director too is incompetent
they charge exorbitant sums
and are totally incompetent
Grandmother
wasn't it
Embroidered this
Of course
by grandmother
all our beautiful tablecloths
were embroidered by our grandmother
during summer vacations
During summer vacations
they were always embroidering
and reading biographies of musicians
weren't they
No no
self-control is everything
never lose your self-control
we hate everything that's embroidered
even if grandmother embroidered it
Some embroider and others philosophise
their way through life
but they are all hiding behind an absurdity
and of course a lack of taste
Cream puffs fresh from the oven
that you are so fond of
Cream puffs
that I am so fond of
Ludwig
who's fond of cream puffs
who's fonder of cream puffs
than of anything else
The whole time I was in Steinhof
I thought of nothing but those cream puffs
It's like the inside of a tomb here
we're really already buried
a delicious tomb
in which cream puffs are served
the typical cream puff aroma
that's right
isn't it
they are freshly made for us
so we'll finish them up
The highest art is the art of baking
When we eat them for the first time
yes
but then
they grow more and more insipid
and finally we end up hating them
and then we hate nothing more
than cream puffs
even if we are continually told
that we are fonder of cream puffs
than of anything else
You expect me to eat these cream puffs
yes perhaps I'll even eat a cream puff
perhaps
the devil says
eat the cream puff
which your sister has baked
the devil says so
the devil says so
and Ludwig eats it
Ludwig is eating the cream puff
that his sister has baked
the older sister baked it
the younger sister served it
and now they are both waiting
to see me eat their cream puff
That-which-is-put-before-us
If we take into account that
with all those cream puffs
with all those soups and sauces
we have become old and ugly
and dull-witted and worthless
then it's completely logical
for us to eat these cream puffs too
every cream puff
that is ever put on the table in front of us
We wolf it down this cream puff
that our sister has baked
we open our mouth wide
and stick the cream puff in
and choke it down
You see
how I'm choking down
your cream puff
such a nauseating cream puff
such a revolting cream puff
my favourite dessert
you see
And now for the second cream puff
the favourite dessert
my favourite dessert
that my sister has always made for me
My favourite dessert
my favourite dessert
My favourite dessert
Go away
go away you
don't touch me
An etude my child
so that I don't lose my touch
only an etude
I keep wondering
how late it is
To lend meaning to life
To lend meaning to life
They get so upset those two
parasites
histrionics
perversity
AFTER LUNCH
You heard right
fifty-one percent
with that
fifty-one percent
our father bought our way into
dramatic art
looking to the future so to speak
Father really had a genius for business
and he knew what was essential for us
It was just you
he didn't know what to do with
all his life he didn't
With this fifty-one percent
we still decide
when to perform and when not
whether in a Shakespeare
or not
Bought our way into dramatic art
that's a clever remark
That fifty-one percent
makes it possible for us
to employ our talent only
when we see fit
We do not allow ourselves to be cast
arbitrarily and shamelessly
or to be exploited unscrupulously
and wasted
The theatre manager
is dependent on us so to speak
not we on him
And if for years at a time
we don't feel like acting
we don't act
and if we do feel like it
we act Shakespeare etcetera
or a blind woman in an insipid play
on the stage for two minutes
The art of the theatre is independent
only when it owns fifty-one percent
of the shares
to be honest
I only feel the urge to act
every few years
but that's not to say
that I neglect my talent
even for a single day
for two months our sister
has rehearsed the blind woman
in front of the window
and since she has to dance
for one minute out of the two
she's taking dance lessons
where she's learning
how a blind woman dances
that's not nearly as easy as you think
we are probably the only ones
who prepare for their appearance
down to the last detail
We have the time
to intensify ourselves
The three of us
have never been compatible
too high-strung
too extraordinary
Siblings united in intelligence
in fact detested by everyone
or at least always objects of suspicion
Weirdness
that's what they've always accused us of
my spiritual Titanism
indubitably
the highest aspiration
longing for humanity
suicidal
all three
When we think
we can rest easy
we grow restless
Wealth bestowed by chance
which has made all the others incompetent
allow ourselves to be talked into things
delude ourselves
that we can be saved
longing for humanity
suicidal
Did everything wrong up till today
Twelfth of July
that was two days ago
So many errors accumulated
Here
you have that too
That's what we think about
all our lives
about nothing else
until we give up
because it makes no sense
can make no sense
Between you and me
I'm not going to Frege
I hate Frege
I hate doctors
but I hate that Doctor Frege
most of all
Those people are constantly burying us
in their garbage
see nothing think nothing
behave like murderers
and call themselves family doctors
Mother
was the malicious one
not father
mother is the culprit
not father
Went a little way with Schopenhauer
with Nietzsche
pernicious friendships
paper ties
book brothers
printed love affairs
In the end nothing
but nauseating
We enter books
as we enter taverns
hungry thirsty
starving my child
At first we are received with kindness
are waited on
but waited on worse and worse
waited on worse and still worse
and finally kicked out
or else we leave the taverns at once
of our own accord
because we can't put up with
the stench in them any longer
the badly cooked food
the miserably served food
but not of course
without paying a monstrous bill
We enter those philosophies
as we do open taverns
and sit down at once
at the regulars' table
and we are surprised
that we are not waited on at once
to our most complete satisfaction
We are thoroughly annoyed
not least by the odious people
who are throwing their weight around
with us in this tavern
We call for the landlord
but the landlord doesn't come
and even if at first
we were possibly enthusiastic
delighted possibly with the decor
of the tavern
we start to loathe it
after a very short time
we are badly seated
there's a draft
a noisome smell hangs in the air
instead of the delicate aroma of roast meat
which we had expected
We are served by small odious waiters
who have learned nothing
and run around in their dull-witted way
and finally bring everything to the table
except the things we ordered
The food is inedible
the drinks poisoned
and then
when we try to call the landlord to account
we are told the landlord
has been dead these many years
That's how we enter the great names
which promised us a philosophical repast
which always turns out to be inedible
We enter books as we do taverns
that's our misfortune
We end up avoiding all taverns
don't go into them any more
no matter how dazzling the sign outside
we walk past it
It turns out
that there are no tavern-owners left
only unscrupulous tenants
Mother
loved you two more than me
Father hated me
but I loved him
that's the truth
The youngest girl is always loved
the most
pampered
that's her death sentence
Autarchy
that's what father always
ended up saying
Have enough coal in the cellar
for the next three winters
I can still hear him saying it
and also
philosopher philosopher
he isn't even good enough to be
an actor
Crafty sisters
who were in the end much cleverer
than him
Head of an industrial tycoon
that's what his brother said of him
Uncle Friedrich
No Uncle Karl
The humorous fellow
as opposed to
the humorless one
Painters are dull-witted too
even when they are highly paid
and highly renowned
Uncle Friedrich
is depicted as the humorous one
Uncle Karl as the humorless
exactly the opposite is true
Painters simply have no eye
They all had their portraits painted
the fools
This is where it belongs
not there
It really is a perversity
hanging exactly opposite each other
thirty years these pictures
have been hanging on these walls
not once taken down
But now it's equally perverse
don't you agree
hanging opposite each other
badly painted
very badly painted
famous artists
but badly painted
wretchedly painted
Portrait fixation
ancestor worship
They have always made us suffer
these hideous pictures
The pictures are worth a fortune
millions
but they are hideous
sometimes they are more in fashion
sometimes less
but they are always worth millions
how hideous these pictures are
Wasn't mother
a beautiful woman
attractive
but in the picture she is repellent
father didn't brood
as he appears to in the picture
Those artists abuse everything
shamelessly
they will paint
one intolerable painting after another
A musical family
so it has always been said
it's not even hinted at
in any of these pictures
Have their portraits painted
that was the idea that kept haunting them
You haven't had your portraits
painted too
you didn't get taken in I hope
by a portrait-painting charlatan like that
Have you had your portraits painted
or not
You did have your portraits painted
you're shameless enough
to have had your portraits painted
by those anti-artists
who are springing up everywhere today
and who chum up to people
and demand millions
for their repellent daubs
You did have your portraits painted
And what if we did
That was all I needed
my sisters
having their portraits painted
in this period of anti-art
this epoch of dilettantism
where are those trumperies then
where are the trumperies
In the attic
are you satisfied now
In the attic
in the attic
do portraits belong in the attic
Portraits don't belong in the attic
you hid them in the attic
so that I shouldn't see them
to conceal them from me
all the time I've been away
they've probably been hanging on this wall
you took them down
and put them up in the attic before I came
just yesterday
just this morning
that's the truth
The pictures are badly painted
Of course the pictures are badly painted
portraits are always badly painted
unless they're by Goya
but Goya didn't paint you
Goya never painted in Vienna
never did Goya paint in Vienna
I want to see them
bring me the pictures
bring the pictures this instant
Bring the pictures
bring me the pictures
this instant
What are you waiting for
I said bring the pictures
bring me the pictures
which cost a fortune probably
Having their portraits painted
having their portraits painted
for a fortune
having their portraits painted
for so much money
Millions of children are starving in Africa
and you have your portraits painted
My sisters having their portraits painted
just as their parents did
Odious patronage
Bring me the pictures
I want to see the pictures
Empty walls I've always liked
empty walls
This gallery full of atrocities
has always turned my stomach
Hideous pictures
unartistic
insipid
Having their portraits painted
they've had their portraits painted
Art of painting
a base form of art
base to the core
Consorting with painters
With painters
they grow rich and wealthy
and consort with those painters
And then that riffraff sits about everywhere
fouling the air
painters' effluvium
artistic whitewash
This one perhaps
maybe
this
no
it's not art
not art no
Music yes
painting no
It's all very arty
in keeping with the times
You've had your portraits painted
portraits painted
But why don't you turn them round
do turn them round
if indeed we're dealing
with works of art here
probably
by a famous artist
The contemporary
has always repelled me
Show yourselves
what do you look like
how did your artist paint you
And then my sisters expect me
to forgive them for this tastelessness
I don't feel like doing that
nauseating mannerism
I won't ask what these atrocities cost
like one of those people
who drive in Rolls-Royces painted them
Having your portraits painted
and consorting with shamelessness itself
I don't think the pictures are so bad
Not so bad
you don't think they're so bad
You've never been able to relate
to painting
Not been able
never been able
And why did you hide
the pictures in the attic
surely not
because they are so magnificent
Hideous
and not even good likenesses
of you
and unartistic
A young artist
a very young painter
A friend of Doctor Frege
put him in touch with Frege
put him in touch with Frege
A young American
Whose grandparents
emigrated to America
from Germany
A talented artist
But this is a declaration of bankruptcy
a declaration of bankruptcy
A fortune
for a piece of vulgarity
In comparison even those trumperies
are works of art
I cannot even say
disfigured beyond recognition
for that would at least be something
It was only to help
a young artist that was all
Young artists cannot be helped
there is no greater folly
than helping young artists
helping artists at all
is folly
Let artists help themselves
above all let young artists
help themselves
that's precisely why young artists
come to nothing
because they are constantly being helped
help an artist
and you destroy him
above all help a young artist
and you destroy and annihilate him
that's the truth
There is nothing more repellent
than assuming the cloak of patronage
But what is said
is not heard
I have always loathed
patronage
Wealthy people
patrons
hypocrites
Visiting the brother in Steinhof
nothing but hypocrisy
going behind his back at home
having your portraits painted
having your portraits painted
then hanging up what was painted
and when your brother comes home
taking down what was hung from the walls
and hiding it in the attic
It was her idea
wasn't it
not yours
It was my idea
Doctor Frege
Doctor Frege
suggested it to you
Yes Doctor Frege
Doctor Frege Doctor Frege
Not enough
that he ruined your brother
he also makes arrangements for you
to have your portraits painted
But while those atrocities
entered the annals of art history long ago
these trumperies will not be entered
into the annals of art history
this era will not be entered
into the annals of art history
as a shameful blot of emptiness yes
as a catastrophe yes
as an artistic catastrophe
as a gigantic art crater
into which people will peer
a hundred years from now
and get nothing but a stench
nothing else
nothing else
Empty walls that's what I always said
my Norwegian log cabin
is quite empty too
no pictures nothing
Empty walls
But of course
it will have to be repainted
or freshly wallpapered
for fifty years not one fresh coat of paint
nothing wallpapered
this smell
That's what it looked like once
the wallpaper
Wasn't any better either
The new is still more hideous
it's time
something was changed here for once
The house belongs to us
not to the dead any more
Why aren't you two helping
help me for heaven's sake
Come on push for heaven's sake
push for heaven's sake
Half a metre to the left
half a metre
only half a metre
Only half a metre
perhaps
it's nailed down
Push
only half a metre
Push
Concentrate and push
Dreadful
No wonder
gently push very gently
that's what I said
not jerkily
steadily but not jerkily
The beautiful Herend plates
the beautiful Bohemian teapot
good lord
The most beautiful pieces all broken
The most beautiful pieces
Gently I said
steadily but gently
not jerkily
If only we could move the clock
just half a metre to the left
it would be of an improvement
but I'll do it on my own
Why do you want to move the clock
For as long as I can think
it has bothered me that the clock is there
Just half a metre to the left
just to try it perhaps
No
no good
no good
The clock probably doesn't belong
in the dining room at all
it's a dirty trick
having a clock in the dining room
What do you say
where shall we put the clock
but the clock must go
I can't bear the sight of the clock
Perhaps in the small drawing room
there is no clock in the small drawing room
Right
there isn't a clock
in the small drawing room
It will go well in there
in the small drawing room
In the small drawing room
you're right
that's where it belongs
it's insipid in the dining room
and besides it doesn't even keep time
it's half an hour fast
and it has to be wound up every other day
One day it will collapse
and kill you
But
I won't be around to see it
Whitewash is healthy
fresh whitewash
white fresh whitewash
Father suffered
from a hatred of wallpaper
Women are in favour of wallpaper
hate whitewash
women hate whitewash
that's been proven
There are those who hate wallpaper
and those who hate whitewash
without more ado we can divide humanity
into these two groups
into the group that hates wallpaper
and into the group
that hates whitewash
The string quartets
they have always calmed me
I am allowed to play them for myself
as often as I like
said the director
he was corruptible too
I put horrendous sums in his coat pocket
these people
will take any amount of money
I'm allowed to listen to the string quartets
I'm allowed to read
I'm allowed to occupy myself intellectually
as the director always says
Rich people live on bribery
Around eight I listen to the Eroica
conducted by Knappertsbusch
Twenty-seventh of May Eroica
twenty-eighth of May Eroica
twenty-ninth of May Eroica
thirtieth of May Eroica
thirty-first of May Eroica
first of June Eroica etcetera
Older sister
Logic One
transcribed like a good girl
Exact bookkeeping
extraordinarily exact bookkeeping
Older sister
tastelessly dressed as always
sits there for hours
doesn't say a word
doesn't understand anything
younger sister
never seen her on the stage
probably no talent exclamation mark
like the older one exclamation mark
but they keep getting another chance
because father bought fifty-one percent
of the shares in the theatre
in which they appear from time to time
parenthesis out of sheer boredom
pre-war shares
A sample
Our brooder our know-it-all
our charming note-taker
When I'm in London
I tell myself Norway is the place
when I'm in Norway
I tell myself London
then when I don't know how to go on
to Steinhof
But I have not been declared
legally incompetent
that should give you
something to think about
I'm the only one in Steinhof
not declared legally incompetent
I enjoy a fool's license little sister
It's possible
Possible you say
possible
I always think you are totally
without talent
and then time and again
that you are the most talented of all
on the stage
She's so easily hurt
your sister
a trifle
and she's insulted
upset
anyway
we don't do people any harm
and they are angry with us
she's probably doing the dishes
ironing
She took a lot of trouble
to make things nice for you
she wanted to make your return
more pleasant
More pleasant make things nice
female stupidities
I said
I'm going home for just a few days
only a few days I said
what's it like here
I wanted to see
but it's just as I imagined
And also because I was looking for a book
a particular copy of Schopenhauer
but I can't find it
a lot of books missing
God knows what's become of the books
I want to talk to her
but she's in a hurry
Whispering with the director
behind my back
about Frege
to deliver me up to that man
who calls himself a family doctor
We go to him
because our bladder hurts
and he looks into our ears
we say we have a pain in our right knee
he taps our chest
and we have no medical insurance
so we spend a fortune on these people
enormous consumption of specialists
medicine is a perverse preservation
of monuments
As it's now in fashion again
to cut your hair short
I'm letting mine grow
I don't follow fashion
fashion is something I've always hated
the two of you follow fashion
A world which constantly
confuses cause and effect
Suffer from megalomania
that's right
trusted Schopenhauer
trusted Nietzsche
never trusted myself
time and time again I was suddenly
abandoned by everybody
Next I wrote polished my shoes
at half past two in the morning
Histrionics
Calumny
World of entertainment
Your sister
suffers from paranoia
a fetish for dishes
porcelain disease
Make things nice
by putting cream puffs
on the table in front of me
but doesn't want to listen
to what I'm saying
despises my inmost being but insists
that I eat her cream puffs
As you can see I do eat them
with disgust
Not going to Doctor Frege
Frege's to blame
for my being sick in the first place
Am I sick
I am sick
I am not sick
I tell your sister
I want to go to a concert
she takes out a season's subscription
I tell her I want a cream puff
and she regales me with dozens of them
I say I want to be left in peace
and she keeps asking if I want peace
If we made one mistake
we made thousands
if we fell in the brook once
we always fall in the brook
if we told one lie
we've always lied
Whatever we do and whatever we say
it's multiplied in the most diabolical fashion
But she transcribes my manuscripts
carefully
I must grant her that
But I'm very stingy with my praise
if we praise someone
we are immediately exploited
if we say something complimentary
we immediately pay the price
An earthquake to be sure
would have devastating consequences
but the old houses
don't collapse as we know
look at San Francisco
look at San Francisco
I wish this country
would disappear one day
or better still
some night all of a sudden
in an earthquake
this odious fatherland
off the face of the earth
Then again I think
we haven't got a better one
Here
you see
where I burned myself
a burn wound
not unintentionally
I held the candle
under my hand
until
it was half burnt through
and here on my neck I still have the marks
of my strangulation attempt
What have we here
asked the resident
in his sly manner
A strangulation attempt last night
I replied
at which he laughed out loud
Then why on earth didn't you hang yourself
properly
said the resident
Do you think I'm crazy
I replied
I'm not going to hang myself
you must know that
a strangulation attempt doesn't mean
that I intend to hang myself
no no I said
as you know
everything
concerning me
bogs down in the attempt
at which the resident
laughed out loud again
There's a thousand schilling bill
I said to him and now be off
he took the thousand schilling bill
and went
The residents are corruptible
and the residents' assistants
are most easily corrupted
It's only because I feed them
thousand schilling bills
that I'm still alive
Steinhof is an institution of
corruption
Those who haven't got any money
don't survive long
that's the truth
they hate every new arrival
they look forward to mine
Worringer's coming
runs like wildfire through Steinhof
it resounds through the whole
institution
Worringer the millionaire is coming
that's what they say
then all those white coats rush in
and bow and scrape
and let me feed them
If I were to say
they should wipe my behind
as I want it done
of course as I want it done
they would fight for the privilege
In return I let them abuse me
by calling me a philosopher
which they have long
grown accustomed to doing
And what have we got here
I bought you some new underpants
Freshly laundered and ironed
But these are wonderful cotton underpants
I wonder if they'll fit
They're your size
My size
My size you say
my size
My size
my size
maybe they are my size
But aren't they too soft
I hate soft underpants
I've always hated them
all my life
I had underpants which were too soft
You always wore silk underpants
Because my mother
had got it into her head
and I had got into the habit
and never anything but silk underpants
Very common coarse cotton underpants
They are
From Switzerland
Swiss cotton underpants
so-called Alpine cotton underpants
The dependable Mont Blanc underpants
Mont Blanc underpants
of course
the dependable Mont Blanc underpants
they really do fit
if I had my way I put them on at once
may I
No no
not here
not now
not here
for heaven's sake not in the dining room
here
no
But why not
If he wants to
why not put them on here and now
Fabulous
the dependable Mont Blanc underpants
Go on put them on here
why not
No you can't do that
That's simply preposterous
why shouldn't he put on
his underpants now
Not while I'm here
you can't do that
give them to me
be sensible
Why bring the underpants in now
if he's not permitted to put them on
Not permitted to
not permitted to permission denied
You're not permitted to
you heard didn't you
You have no shame
Silly idiot
She loves you
unhappily
now as always
she hasn't changed
she found out
you liked long coarse cotton underpants
immediately she bought
a pile of these long coarse underpants
Why didn't you put on
the underpants
you should have taken off your trousers
and put on your underpants
Oh you disgust me both of you
You should have put on the underpants
this false hypocritical modesty
From the day she was born
hypocritical
What do you think she's doing now
She's burying her face
in the underpants
which you held in your hands
Brings your underpants into the
dining room
then stops you
from putting them on
Where did you burn yourself
Where show me
I want to have another look show me
A big hole
With the candle you say
burned your own hand
Probably in the middle of the night
Did it hurt very much
But you didn't manage
to burn it right through
that would have been a triumph
to have burned right through your own hand
In complete secrecy
Are you mad
you'll break my neck
Shall we drink
black coffee
Yes of course
right Ludwig
Did you take a close look at her
Just as I told you
She buried her face
in your underpants
That's part of the therapy
isn't it
As long as father was alive
we weren't allowed to play the Eroica
Besides he hated Knappertsbusch
he loved Furtwangler
The Viennese all have
a Beethoven complex
a Schubert complex
or a Beethoven complex
they're all infected with it
in the wealthy suburbs
they're all infected
We are all wealthy suburbanites
wealthy suburbanites
that's what we are Ludwig
wealthy suburbanites
Now she's gone and fallen over
the silly idiot
stay here
Have you hurt yourself
Good lord you're bleeding
come here
Lost my footing
Indeed
Everything's driving me crazy
You're just too hard on yourself
Pity about the coffee
Oh never mind
it's a pity about the china
Grandmother's lovely china
It had to be grandmother's Bohemian china
Nervousness is an affliction
Probably a change in the weather
trouble brewing
probably
The things we like
are all of a sudden strewn on the floor
grandmother's lovely china
A fatality mechanism
I'm not going to Frege
not to Frege
Sisters underlined in red
infantilism
excessive infantilism
The century of uncertainty
Total stultification
at the turn of the millennium
Congregation of hypocrites
Chronic despondency
The director said
that a time would come
when even in Steinhof
there would be no more pea soup
Richesse oblige
don't forget that
Half a metre to the right
First clear it out
then push it
The clock must go
fought for a hundred years against illiteracy
and achieved nothing
If we publish it
then we'll be dead
Always preferred cotton
They didn't give me my doctorate
in Cambridge
they were all against me
although I wanted the doctorate
I always said that I didn't want it
and yet I wanted it
I said I didn't want it
it was a farce
and yet I wanted it
Wasn't given
to me
We're going astray with Schopenhauer
Great need for geometry
great need for coffee
no need for company
I asked for size five
they didn't have it
I had to wait three days
everybody wants
this cotton underwear nowadays
As we've got such a lot of china
it doesn't matter
True
A lot of sugar please
- Where is the sugar
- I'll get it
Do you still own the Norwegian log cabin
I thought
you'd sold it
And when are you going back to Norway
I don't know
Let's see you had to climb up a cliff
even to get to it
you can't do that any more
you're much too weak
You are the only privileged person
in Steinhof
You can do anything you want there
almost anything
That's because you pay
seven thousand a day
they'll let you stay on in Steinhof
for years and years
For heaven's sake do sit down
you're a bundle of nerves
it's not Ludwig who is
it's you
Rainy afternoon in all likelihood
best thing is to spend it in bed
I'll do some ironing
There's nothing nicer
than a rainy afternoon in bed
Ritter, Dene, Voss, intelligent actors.
During my work on the play,
which I completed two years
after writing that note,
my thoughts dwelt mainly on my friend Paul
and on his uncle, Ludwig Wittgenstein.
Th. B. June 1984
Subtitles by: ausmanx