Ritorno al crimine (2021) - full transcript
Yes indeed: everything is in there, and fits in proper place indeed!
Boys, if my calculations are correct,
Sabrina lives in Monte Carlo,
married to an old French tennis star.
- And?
- She'll have half the treasure.
I don't know if I want to see her,
she'll be as old as my mother.
Gianfranco, you don't need money.
Didn't your start up make millions?
You realise I spent it all
bringing you back to the future?
Well, then let's take that treasure,
come on!
Right, let's take Monte Carlo!
Go ahead, go ahead. I'm coming for you.
THE BOYS ARE BACK IN CRIME
AMALFI COAST, NOWADAYS
Monte Carlo, he says.
To hell with Monte Carlo.
That's 1600 km you've made us drive.
How was I supposed to know Sabrina
had gone back to her ex-husband!
We should go back to the past to get
our treasure from the Magliana Gang!
- Exactly!
- This again?
- Enough with the time travel, guys!
- What? Why?
I had to take a bunch of fatal leaps
to come back and get you!
First I landed in 1922,
during the March on Rome.
- I had fascists chasing me.
- That'll do it.
Then in 1600 they wanted to burn me alive
for my Nike jumper.
They thought it was a satanic symbol.
- Imagine!
- Yeah.
I even had a scuffle
with a beatnik in '68.
- And look at this.
- What is it?
- It's a pterodactyl tooth.
- Show me.
- So you can see the hell I went through.
- It was on its head, right?
A tooth there?
Come on, it's not a unicorn.
- So it was a fluke that you found us?
- A fluke?
I conducted incredibly
sophisticated research
to uncover two portals
to take me back to Rome in 1982.
Ok, but a bomb exploded
the one in the bar.
- True.
- And where's the other?
- I know where, but I'm not telling you!
- Stop it!
- What are you doing?
- Look where you're going!
- Look where you're going!
- Let me see.
Watch out.
Listen, boys,
time-space portals are unstable.
Changing something in the past
can change the present,
to devastating effect...
- Especially with morons like you.
- Thanks, Gianfra'.
Here it is.
Sacked off
the French tennis player
and went back to her first husband.
- Name: Ranieri.
- Of course, Rainier Prince of Monaco.
No, Ranieri is his surname,
first name Massimo.
Like the singer, sure.
He sells counterfeits as real paintings.
And that piece of ass?
That? That's the daughter.
Lorella Heather.
Named after Lorella Cuccarini
and Heather Parisi.
This all seems a bit crazy.
I've always found Heather Parisi
very sexually attractive.
- What is it?
- There's Sabrina.
Let me see!
- Where is she?
- She's almost 70 now.
- Quite the fall from grace.
- Boys, we've got company.
And so, who was Vincent at heart?
A dreamer? A visionary?
Mentally disturbed? Crazy?
We'll never know, all we can do
is contemplate his paintings,
known all over the world,
including your own home: Indonesia.
In my humble opinion,
the gift we're about to give you
is the most inspiring
of all his self-portraits.
See the suffering,
the compassion, the pain,
I wouldn't call it disgust
but almost, yes.
You want to help him, I feel it,
but you can't because he's dead,
my dear sirs.
Van Gogh is dead!
- Van Gogh is dead!
- Dead.
So today, I'm practically offering
you Van Gogh's body,
for just 7 million euros
including VAT and frame.
Thank you.
Bravo! What a speech.
Well done, bravo.
Sebastiano!
I had a feeling you'd come back.
Hi, Sabrina. My, how you've changed.
- Come on, she's in a chair...
- Who do we have here, more buyers?
- Not really.
- No. Excuse me.
My good sirs,
I have a revelation for you.
- Translate into Japanese, please.
- They're Indonesian.
- Indonesian, same thing. Same area.
- No!
I wanted to tell you about
how the painter Van Gogh
had an incredible obsession.
Just one thing in his head.
This.
What are you doing?
Have you gone mad?
- This.
- You're ruining a masterpiece!
Enough with the circus.
This is a fake,
translate that into Korean.
- I told you they're Indonesian.
- Same thing.
This is anything but Van Gogh.
- Take that.
- Not the face!
Gianfranco, what are they doing?
It's fine, Sabrina.
Give us our money and we'll go.
And why should I give you it?
Maybe because you made it
investing the Gang's treasure...
With Gianfranco's discoveries in 1982
on my iPhone.
Do you want to tell me what's going on?
So, as a boy I shared everything
I found on this iPhone with Sabrina.
The fall of the Berlin Wall,
Berlusconi's rise to power... Jalisse!
- The music duo?
- You're so thick!
You wrote in a WhatsApp group how Jalisse
had won the Sanremo music festival.
I told Sabrina
to bet 200 million liras on it.
- We won!
- We hit the big time.
So that money is also ours, you see?
And how is it yours?
Thirty-five years ago, it was mine.
- Junior, take his gun.
- Is he...
He is...
Renatino.
Straight outta 1982.
Nice to meet you.
- Sorry, did you not die in the explosion?
- Yes!
There's always time to die.
Right, Sabrina?
Look at that,
even this pain in the arse is here.
Yes, I'm here,
I've never been to the Amalfi Coast.
I must say it's a place...
But go on, you were saying?
I don't know what you did
to that door in the bar,
but I'm here and I want my money back!
- Mum, who is this?
- Mum?
Mum?
This is your daughter?
- And?
- I'm the father.
How nice. What a lovely family.
- Now I want my money back.
- Leave Lorella be.
- He knows where the money is, Renatino.
- Hey!
No, let me explain, Mr Renatino.
Sabrina and I
were in business together for a while
and disagreed
over some crypto investments.
- "Crap" what?
- What?
He decided to move everything
to a secret server...
What's a server?
A server is like a big computer
on which we can find... bitcoins.
- What the hell are bitcoins?
- He's asking what bitcoin are.
Bitcoin is a virtual
21st-century currency...
- An alternative to euros.
- And what the hell are euros?
Are we really going over
the last 35 years of history?
He's from 1982, he knows nothing!
- Hey!
- No!
- Look, I'll give you a quick summary.
- Bravo.
I know where the money is
but don't have a password.
Sabrina has the password,
but doesn't know where the money is.
- Unfortunately...
- What the hell is a password?
- Oh, come on!
- He doesn't understand a thing.
- Did he even get past nursery?
- My mum doesn't have it, I do.
- It's a bar code.
- Where is this bar?
It's not a bar, it's...
It's a code that you scan... A key!
And where's the key?
- Here!
- Lorella, what are you doing?
- Where is this key?
- Here!
- It's there.
- Close the curtain.
- Are you taking the piss?
- Renatino, stop it.
There's enough money for everyone,
we can come to an agreement.
Just calm down.
OK.
- What the...
- What...
Get down!
Get the fuck out of my way!
Gab them. Mumma's Boy, get the painting!
Son of a bitch!
No!
- Guns down or I'll kill you all!
- Give up!
Don't move!
Come here, shithead!
You'll be joining your pals!
Don't move, come!
- Don't move.
- Yes.
No use shouting,
I can't understand your dialect.
- Come on, move.
- No!
- Hey, Van Gogh, the Chinese got away.
- They're Indonesian.
They were Indonesian.
Up.
Look.
My nickname ever since I was a kid
was Van Gogh, like this guy.
They say I look like him.
- What d'ya think?
- Meh...
Of course, with the doodle it's
a bit difficult to see any kind of sim...
I'll shut up.
- Cut the crap.
- OK.
Me and my friends came from Scampia,
the Camorra heartlands,
to find my painting sliced open
and a cock on his head!
The penis was them, but a little sponge
and it'll wipe right off.
- Dad.
- Shut up.
The painting you were flogging
to the Thai buyers is a fake.
A fake?
- Yes.
- No.
Is this true?
- Is it real or not?
- Leave her be!
I'm speaking to you!
Cat got your tongue?
No. I'm just not used to speaking
with a gun in my face.
The painting is a fake, I confess.
I'll fix this.
Please, she's my daughter.
This bloke's some balls, eh?
But I'm walking away empty-handed.
And when a lion wants to eat a goat,
a rabbit won't do.
- "A lion and a rabbit..." What?
- Dunno.
- I don't understand these southerners.
- He's not hungry anymore.
I don't like being toyed with!
- The girl is coming south with me!
- No!
I can offer you an original Giotto,
24 colours.
Shut it.
You have a week to bring me the original.
I want to hang it above the toilet
and look at myself every morning.
Laugh!
Otherwise, I'll cut off the whore's head
and sell it to Napoli as a football!
Van Gogh, why all this fuss
over a stupid painting?
- Because I said so.
- You really want this?
I'm just kidding.
Mumma's boy thinks I'm kidding around.
Did you all believe it?
- No!
- No!
- Gianfranco!
- Gianfranco, no!
I never kid.
'Mon, boys!
Lorella!
- Gianfranco!
- Lorella!
- Gianfranco!
- Lorella!
- You're hurting me!
- Van Gogh, I'll take her.
Don't get too attached.
Let's go!
Come on!
Get on.
Who were those nut jobs?
Van Gogh's gang. The redhead's
an infamous Camorra gangster in Naples.
Toto Russo,
son of Gennarino, aka Fat Rat.
Lovely family.
- Spanish Quarters Gennarino?
- Yes.
I bought gear from him.
Well, in light of this...
This disaster...
I think it's time for us all to go home.
The party's not over yet.
No one's leaving until I get my money.
Still on that?
But the key to the treasure
is tattooed onto Lorella's backside.
Which is not to be touched.
Don't forget, Gianfranco was the only one
who knew where to use it.
Renatino, the treasure's gone forever.
If I have to bring your pal here
back to life, I'm getting my money!
Know what?
He might not be so stupid after all.
And I might be about to shoot you.
Let him speak, Renatino. Sorry, go on.
Fine, go on.
I need to do something, I'm sorry.
What are you doing?
Sorry, Gianfranco.
His notebook.
He wrote down
where the other portal to '82 is.
And?
And if we go back in time...
- No!
- Wait, wait...
"No" what?
If we can find this Fat Rat,
we can stop him bringing
that shithead Van Gogh into the world
and killing Gianfranco.
Which would mean?
If you change something in the past,
you change it in the present.
If the redhead's not born,
Gianfranco doesn't die.
Yeah.
You're telling me you can resurrect
your chubby mate?
Well, nothing's for sure,
but it's an option we can try!
Sorry, has no one remembered my daughter?
OK, here's the plan.
Mr Big Shot Dealer and I
go rescue Lorella.
- Can't I come?
- Ranieri, you're the dealer.
Got it.
You three...
go back to 1982 and save your mate,
then he tells us where the treasure is
and we'll get the key.
- Giuseppe, here.
- Me?
- Come here!
- He means you, go.
Ditch the replica and take this.
Go back in time, find this Fat Rat guy,
tell him you need some coke.
I'm telling you now, cocaine...
I can't do that anymore.
Do what you like,
as long as you pop a bullet in his head.
You wanted the chance
to be a real gang member?
- Yes.
- This is it.
You feel it?
Let's go.
Move!
- You moving or not? Do as I say.
- In you go.
- What are you gonna do to me?
- Nothing.
- If you behave.
- Ha.
Thirsty?
- A bit.
- Here, drink this.
- Thank you.
- I'm gonna fix up the room a bit.
- Then I'll get you something to eat, OK?
- Get her a nice sausage dish.
- I'm vegan.
- You're what?
Vegan...
Don't fuck with us. Get in the corner.
Vegan...
Trickster, be right back.
Whore...
Mumma's Boy.
No more than lunch and dinner, got it?
When Van Gogh gets back, she's gone.
- What you mean? Why?
- You moron. Let me explain.
She's seen everything,
she knows where we live. Get it?
Right, let's see.
Sketches, plans...
I can't understand a thing.
Ah, the second portal in Rome.
The portal is in this gym.
Let's go.
Are we sure Van Gogh
was conceived in July 1982?
Come on, we've been over this.
The idiot is an open book, see?
Toto Russo, born 7th April 1983.
- If I can count, that's nine months.
- He could've been two months premature.
- Shut up, will you?
- I was born at seven months.
Here! Here!
- Gol.
- Wait!
- What?
- There's one thing missing.
- What is it?
- This. I can't go without it.
- Of course... That...
- This gives me the heebie-jeebies.
- Let me see.
- Here it is.
- Ready.
- Yes. - Go.
- Why am I always first?
- You're the brave one.
Fair point.
- Slowly. Slowly...
- Go, go.
I'm here, coming.
Coming...
Boys, welcome back to 1982.
- Where's the gym?
- I don't know.
That way.
- Here we are.
- Go, go!
What is it? A bank?
- Oh my God, we're here!
- No, let's not mess around, go back!
Go, go!
Come on!
Go, come on!
- Come on!
- No, pull it back, no!
Oh God.
No!
Gianfranco did say
the doors are unstable.
- Doors?
- Portals!
- Oh God, we're stuck here.
- We're in a "cul de sac".
- A"cul"?
- "De sac".
They got me!
Shoot that arsehole! Shoot him!
- Hit the alarm!
- Chicken Legs, where are you?
Boys, they've set off the alarm!
Take the bags and get in the car!
- Let's go!
- Go!
- The police!
- Come on!
- Get out of the way!
- Giuseppe!
God, you were ugly.
Says you, with that mop
you look like Madam Mim.
I remembered it worse.
- Afternoon, what a ruckus.
- Hello.
- Where did you come from?
- The future.
Imbecile! This is no time to mess about!
- Who do you think you're talking to?
- No...
There's no time
to argue with this idiot.
- Idiot? Sorry, do I know you?
- We're on your side, you arsehole!
Leave him be!
Giuseppe's about to grab him anyway...
- What?
- You'll see.
- No!
- For fuck's sake!
- Do you remember?
- I remember, yes.
You see, Mr Manager? And this is nothing.
You'll shit yourself in a minute.
- Excuse me?
- Look.
- Come here.
- Nice one.
- I must have known he was a...
- An idiot.
- Exactly.
- What the...
Guns down!
Quickly, or I'll blow his brains out!
He's gone mad.
- You two, behind me.
- Coming.
- Boss, let's go!
- Go outside, I'll get the money.
Live in peace.
Don't worry, madam,
it'll all be over in two minutes.
No crying, this is nothing.
Just a hole in the leg,
you're not going to die.
Maybe a wheelchair.
Chicken Legs, grab the bag with the money.
- It hurts, get off.
- Come on, I'll take you home.
Come on, this is nothing.
- Come on, go!
- Goodbye.
It's all fine, they get it now anyway.
Awful day, isn't it?
I don't know,
then this lot arrived all dressed up.
- Let's go, the Gang are after us.
- Shut up! Look, the money's here.
- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?
We need money
to buy coke from Fat Rat, right?
- Yes.
- Let's go.
- Hey!
- Yes.
- Who are you lot?
- We're hostages.
Hostages?
Come on, we need to find a car
to get to Naples, go, go!
What are you looking at? Get in.
Massimo, you have to get her back!
I'll get her, but my travel buddy
isn't the brightest and you know it!
I promise I'll bring her back, OK?
I'm telling you,
Renatino doesn't need to know.
No, no, he doesn't need to know.
- You don't have to tell him.
- I won't tell him.
- I love you.
- I love you too. You know?
Boys, I haven't nicked a car for 30 years.
Still feels the same...
We can't go through the bank anymore,
so the only way back to the future
is through the Gang's bar
before it explodes.
- It's fine, we have four days until the final.
- Yes.
Touch the screen to open the gallery.
Who's that?
Who's speaking?
- How can I help you today?
- Who is it?
- What the fuck do you want?
- I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
Who are you? Tell me, so I can shoot you.
- Remember, I can't feel pain.
- Yeah?
- For Christ's sake...
- Do you want to call Chris?
- What are you doing?
- This thing is talking to me!
Well, don't respond. Put the gun down.
Listen, this afternoon there's a party
at Countess Papareschi Boccapadula's.
Who?
Orsetta Papareschi Boccapadula, one
of Italy's most successful art collectors!
She doesn't know a thing.
A few years ago I fobbed her off
with a few rather notable items.
What's this Countess
got to do with anything?
I found out she has an original Van Gogh.
So I got myself an invite to her party
and, like a true Pygmalion, said
I'd introduce her to my latest discovery:
A young abstract artist,
of the new Roman school.
Nice.
- Who is it?
- You.
Me? I did the first year,
but I flunked it...
Would never have guessed.
But it's the only way
to get our hands on that painting.
Can you play the abstract artist?
What can I say?
Let's go see the Countess.
- Where are you going?
- To the party.
Dressed like that?
- What's wrong with this?
- Everything.
What are you looking at? I'm an artist.
He dresses like an undertaker
and gives me the eye?
- Good afternoon.
- Let's get off on the right foot.
Let me do the talking,
I know these circles.
- You'll say the absolute minimum, and no improv.
- OK.
Countess Boccapadula, such a pleasure!
- Massimo, my dear! How are you?
- All the better for seeing you.
Let me introduce you to a genius!
This is the one
I've told you so much about.
- Good afternoon. What a beautiful house.
- My dear, it used to be!
These are difficult times,
everything is falling to bits.
Excuse me a moment, I'm going to check
if the Baroness is still alive.
Sure.
My dear Baroness, how are you?
Who needs sat nav?
It's '82 and we got to Naples
in two hours in a Fiat Ritmo!
Two hours.
Look at that.
Welcome to Naples, good sirs.
Sure, it's a masterpiece.
- This is the city of Toto, Eduardo...
- Pino Daniele, Troisi...
Bruscolotti!
Bruscolotti! What a footballer!
Fish, fish!
Get your fish!
- Seabass!
- Do you trust me?
Are you sure about this?
Go on, then.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Listen, we're looking for Fat Rat.
- For who?
- Fat Rat.
- Fat Rat.
- We'll pay well.
Ain't no Fat Rat here, get lost.
I'll translate: There's no Fat Rat,
and he suggests leaving.
Sorry.
- I'll have my money back.
- Excuse me, can I take the lead?
- I know the ropes better.
- Yes.
Thank you.
Fish, fish, get your fish!
- Christ...
- Live octopus!
This is how it's done.
- Don't get carried away.
- Let me handle this.
Hi.
We want some of that.
How much you want?
Loads. But we want it from Fat Rat.
- Fat Rat?
- Yes.
Never heard of him, wrong place.
- Right...
- Come on, let's go.
- My turn next time.
- Everyone makes mistakes.
There's the look-out.
- The look-out.
- The look-out.
I'll go.
Hello there, could I ask you a question?
I promise you we're not police, if that
helps avoid unpleasant misunderstandings.
- He just can't help himself.
- We are looking for drugs.
Do you have drugs? Because
that's what we're looking for, drugs.
And we'd like to get those drugs
from Gennaro, aka Fat Rat.
He's a boss in this area
who we're told sells excellent drugs.
Thank you, goodbye.
Hey!
Looking for Gennarino?
You looking for him or not?
- Yes.
- Think so.
- Come on then, don't make a fuss.
- What did he say?
- I don't understand anyone here.
- Follow him without making a fuss.
See? You have to be clear
with the locals.
Yes.
Go, go.
- Can we come in?
- Can we?
This way?
This way? It's so dark, can't see a thing.
This must be one of those caves
for maturing that cheese they have.
- Yes.
- What are you on about?
- Is there no light?
- No, doesn't look like it.
Where...
Hello! How's it going?
Put that away, the room is full of people!
I've got another cartridge on me,
let's go and get that painting.
The Countess usually shows off
her collection at the end of the night.
Let's wait
until they're in the secure room.
Once everyone's in,
we'll nick the painting and shut them in.
- And in the meantime, what do we do?
- Mingle a bit.
- I'm supposed to mingle.
- Keep close.
- For you.
- No, thanks.
What are these rolls?
- Sushi, sir.
- Sushi!
What the hell is sushi?
Rolls of rice and fish.
Now shut up and eat.
- I'll take this one.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Wait... What the hell...
You gave me the bit with the skin?
He's angry
because he's allergic to seaweed.
- Apologies.
- It's fine.
Did you know there's seaweed in that?
I don't like touching it with my feet!
Go!
Stop, stop, it's bad!
I nearly did it myself.
- What are you doing?
- Don't worry, I'll take it off for you.
This strip here is seaweed.
There you go, I got rid of it.
He's a famous food critic, obsessed
with hygiene, sometimes goes overboard.
He's hilarious!
Come on, let's do a story together!
Do what together? Seems a bit much.
Maybe just a quickie.
Shut up! You're hilarious!
Nuts! Who is this guy?
What the hell is she saying?
She has millions of followers,
she's an influencer.
- Influencer... that got her an invite?
- Oh dear... Listen here.
We need to find out exactly
what time the secure room opens.
I'm going to speak to the Countess,
do me a favour and don't move. Got it?
OK.
Corked... I'm gonna shoot someone.
Hello, we're looking
for Mr Gennarino the Fat Cat...
Sorry, Fat Rat.
I hate that nickname.
I'm Casanova! Everyone knows that! Right?
Right!
Tricche Tracche,
why are they calling me like that?
Because he shags 'em all!
- OK.
- Every hole's a goal! Shags all of 'em!
OK, OK.
Right, you gonna tell me
what these men want from me?
Been goin' about
the whole Spanish Quarters
shitting where they please all day.
Actually, we would like to buy
some drugs from you.
- This again?
- And who do you think you are, coming here?
- Police?
- No!
- The military?
- No!
No!
We've come from... Renatino! In Rome.
Oh yeah? I know Renatino well.
You think he wouldn't've told me?
Why should I believe you?
Tricche Tracche, pat him down.
I think he meant him.
It's true, I sold this modified gun
to Renatino myself.
Needed it to shoot that chicken shit.
Give it to me.
- Come on then, names?
- Pleasure to meet you, Seba... Ay!
Stein.
He's Einstein, 'cause he's the most
intelligent... in the group anyway!
- And you?
- Me...
They call me Kawasaki.
I'm mad for motorbikes.
- And shit bucket here?
- Thanks.
He's got such a head of hair
we call him the Wig!
They're jealous.
Back to the point.
Here's a little advance,
then if the stuff is as good as you say,
we do business with you.
Guns down.
Good lads.
- Now come with me.
- Where?
The Italy semi-final's on.
- Of course!
- Sure, against Poland!
Let's watch it in my bar. We can chat
a bit and you can try our gear.
Lovely, of course.
I don't...
Forward... Cabrini, pass the ball!
Who let him in?
Who wants some?
Who wants to sample it?
- No, no!
- No.
- Fine then, I'll go.
- You said you couldn't do it anymore.
And I meant it, but someone has to.
I feel the call of duty.
- Sure.
- No need to squabble, there's enough for everyone.
- OK, I'm going.
- Huh?
I'm going.
How is it, how is it?
Delightful, flavoursome,
grainy yet compact, good.
- Beer?
- For him.
- Another beer.
- For him.
Thanks.
- And a sparkling water.
- That's for me, thank you.
- Welcome.
- Sparkling water?
- What's wrong with sparkling water?
- Have a beer.
- No!
- Have a beer!
Bring us another beer.
I finish my shift,
my family's waiting on me.
You finish when I say you finish!
- I'm sorry.
- You'll pay for that.
"Forza Italia"!
What the hell are you doing there?
Back to work.
Just loves being with the men.
- Hello, my love!
- Good evening, Mrs Amalia.
- Who's that?
- I think that's Mrs Fat Rat.
- You wearing a wig?
- No, no, no!
This Rossi's come from nowhere,
he's phenomenal!
From nowhere? Just watch, he's gonna score
another, then win the Golden Boot.
- Giuseppe!
- It's like a bad habit.
- What do you know?
- Intuition, you know?
Paolo Rossi... he's Ballon d'Or material.
Can't deny that.
- I don't like Paolo Rossi.
- No, me neither.
Do you know who I like? Bruno Conti.
'Cause he's a bit Brazilian, you know?
Anyway, fuck all that.
- "Forza Napoli"!
- "Forza Napoli"!
Hey! Don't I know you...
Ha! This is Antonio Cabrini,
World Cup champion!
Cabrini!
I saw you in the World Cup four days ago.
You mean 35 years ago!
What happened to you, Cabrini?
You used to be the beautiful Antonio!
Now he's the old Antonio.
- No way...
- Yes way.
I don't believe it. Bruno Conti!
I don't believe it.
Bruno! Still with the hair!
You've got the cheek to talk about hair
when you're dressed like that.
And then there were tulips everywhere.
Holland in spring is enchanting.
But then we went to the Maldives
and got such a tan, right, love?
- It was just a beautiful wedding.
- Yes.
Whose wedding?
Ours.
Good one!
He wanted to get married so badly,
tradition and all that!
Show him a photo of Kiki!
- Of who? Your dog?
- No! Kiki's our daughter.
Your daughter...
How do you two have a daughter?
It wasn't easy... but it was worth it.
- Kiki is such a cute little girl.
- She's from Vietnam.
Are you taking the piss?
She was born in Saigon,
which is now Ho Chi Minh City...
No, let's pretend I never heard you.
Oaf.
Oh! You... which group are you with?
Group? I'm a solo artist.
- Oh, you work alone? Solo killer?
- Killing it with my singing.
- Singing?
- Yes.
- That's what they're calling it now?
- What am I supposed to call it?
What a joke!
No one has any values anymore,
it's crime against the old ways.
OK.
Mrs Amalia, come and toast with us!
We're going to the final.
- Yes, come on, come!
- Just a sip, I'm on a diet, ya know.
Diet, she says.
That's the spot.
What's up?
Perfect. Italy scored,
now let's get some air and talk business.
Yes.
Your coke arrives from South America
in three days.
OK?
Oh, I dropped my lighter! It was
a gift from my wife, she'll kill me.
Give me a hand, Wig!
- Help me get my lighter.
- Go!
- Push him!
- Wig!
- Push him!
- I can't...
- Wig, hold on!
- Let go!
- I can't.
- Hold on!
Come on, I've got it!
Let him go!
I can't!
I can't!
- Hold on!
- Let him go!
- Come on, Fat Rat.
- We were so close.
- Thank God!
- Thanks, Wig.
If it weren't for you,
I'd have hit the ground.
Jesus...
What's up? It's yours!
- Let's go, come on.
- Sure.
Let's watch the rest of the match.
- Thank you, Wig!
- What's wrong with you?
I'm the stupid one, huh?
Can I interest you in some coke, sir?
Yes! I really need
some good '80s shit just now!
There you are... What are you doing?
- I'm partying.
- Put that down.
- It's crap anyway.
- Away with you.
My dear! Massimo tells me
you have a troubled past.
He still hasn't gotten over the worst.
Maestro, I'd be so honoured
if you would delight us
with a performance...
A bit of improv.
Improv?
He seems tired,
I don't think he's feeling it.
- We can ask him. Are you feeling it?
- Maybe...
He's confused, he's not feeling it.
- One never says no to a lady.
- On certain occasions one does.
- Absolutely not.
- Unfortunately, yes.
- So, you are feeling it?
- Unfortunately, yes.
- Yes! Bring us a canvas!
- You were supposed to say no!
A moment of your attention!
We have a performance for you!
Performance! Performance! Performance!
- You've really screwed us here.
- I don't understand.
- Performance!
- Smile! Performance!
- Are we done yet?
- We're done for.
Try the yellow.
- What do I do?
- Flick it.
- What is he doing?
- He's painting.
Go wild.
- Yellow.
- Now the red.
Yellow-red.
Hashtag: Trash!
- And blue.
- Do I have to use them all?
- Tell me that's it! Please!
- Go!
Oh God.
We're breaking boundaries
in stuffy museums,
kicking rotting traditions to the curb,
ladies and gentlemen!
Please welcome
the new Joachim Raphael Boronali!
- Who the hell is that?
- He doesn't know it...
But he's the rising star
of the new Italian Excessivist movement.
- Ah, I see it!
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
My friends, follow me to my treasures.
I love them like my children,
and they're far less
of a pain in the neck!
- Here are Petruzzo's portraits.
- She means Mondrian.
- And my Basiluccio paintings.
- Obviously Kandinsky.
Of course.
I hate to be bold, Countess,
but are you telling me you haven't
a single work from our dear old Vincent?
- Vincent who?
- Van Gogh, madame! Even I knew that.
- Of course: The self-portrait!
- Excellent.
I lent it to the Vatican museums
for an exhibition.
Excuse me a moment,
I need to see to Monsignor Spadellato.
Countess!
You mean I suffered
this tunnel of horrors for nothing?
You think I've enjoyed
making excuses for all your gaffes?
- Know what? I'm going back to the '80s.
- And the treasure?
To hell with the treasure, the painting.
You future people are all insane.
We'll go and get the painting
from the Vatican museums.
You want to walk into the Pope's house
and nick a painting?
If we don't steal that painting,
they'll kill Lorella.
- I don't give a shit about your daughter!
- Wait a second.
- What?
- I promised Sabrina I wouldn't tell you this.
- Lorella is 35 years old.
- And?
She was born in 1983,
when I hadn't met Sabrina yet.
Do you understand now?
So, you're not the father.
- Then who...
- You've got it.
It's OK, nothing to worry about.
- God.
- Hey.
Oh my God.
I'm the father.
Look at this.
First day of school, always smiling.
She made friends with everyone.
This one here? Our holiday in Sardinia.
She'd never go in the pool,
afraid of the water, she said.
Ah! Eight years old,
already in dance lessons.
She'd already learnt to do the splits
and she did them everywhere,
even in the lift, in our building,
in the street.
She always believed I was her father,
because we raised her as if I was.
With love.
Sadly, that wasn't the truth.
- How could I have known?
- Well, now you know.
Ranieri, let's go get my daughter!
Our daughter!
How do you like the room?
Much better. Thanks.
Take these, my sister used to wear them.
Want me to leave?
No, it's fine. Just turn around.
- Sure?
- Yes.
OK.
A private show!
Mumma's boy, is this the first time
you've seen a woman's arse for free?
Miss, cover up
or this one'll fall in love with you!
What do you want?
We have a problem in Secondigliano.
Move it.
Let's take your ride, Trickster.
I'll leave you two alone. Don't worry,
Mumma's Boy's no good at this anyway.
Hey.
- What's your name?
- What do you care?
God, I just asked your name.
To get to know you better.
I don't like that nickname.
I'm Gaetano.
OK, Gaeta'.
You don't have to let your boss
treat you like that.
What you looking at me for?
It's not easy
to kill someone in cold blood.
I get it, but you didn't have
to save his life.
- I couldn't do it, alright?
- We'll just give up the treasure then, shall we?
Treasure? What treasure?
Sebastiano,
if we don't kill Fat Rat here...
Gianfranco stays dead
and there's nothing we can do.
Spare any change?
Hey! What are you doing in here?
You didn't understand me,
no one comes in here. Get it?
- Get out, come on! Gol!
- No!
- Madame!
- Go!
- No...
- Go, go!
Disgusting!
What are you doing?
To stop this Totò Russo being born,
we don't necessarily need
to kill the father.
We just need someone
to run off with the glutton.
Can I just say, I find it a bit offensive
calling a woman a glutton
just because she is a little large.
- Would you prefer Mrs Fat Rat?
- Better.
We just need her to fall in love.
When the moment's right, we convince her
to come back to the future with us.
Then her husband can't get her pregnant.
Can I remind you that the portal
explodes in three days?
- I know that.
- It's impossible.
- Boys, do we want Gianfranco back or not?
- Of course.
- So?
- Well, that's not all.
We also need someone,
during the courtship, to distract Fat Rat.
I can offer my services here.
- Why you?
- Why him?
They have a connection:
He saved the arsehole's life!
Anyway, we need to do all this in the bar.
Mrs Fat Rat never leaves.
Yeah, but she's never alone.
That beautiful waitress girl is also here.
So we also need someone
to distract her somehow.
That'll be you then...
Not you, Moreno!
Given the long list of under-25 conquests
that got you a divorce.
- Let's recap.
- OK.
- I'll distract the waitress.
- Right.
OK. Giuseppe distracts Fat Rat.
Right.
- And you...
- And I...
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- No! Not the glutton, no!
- Ah! Now she's a glutton!
Now she's a glutton? You're a bully!
- A bully, yes. And a hypocrite.
- And a racist.
No!
On your way, sir!
Red roses.
You. Out.
- Good morning, Don Gennaro.
- Good morning.
- You're dealing with him today.
- Give me a gram.
Here.
- 50 euros?
- Euro? What's that?
I mean 50.000 liras...
Which I call 50 euros...
Nice, half of yesterday!
Thanks, Don Gennaro!
We're giving it away, now?
God, you're good.
- You could be a singer.
- Oh, here we go.
Listen, I mean it.
I was once a music producer.
Why don't we jam together some time,
me and you?
- With who? With you?
- Who else?
You're trying too hard.
Obviously, with a name like Kawasaki...
OK then, Mr Kawasaki.
- What's your name?
- Teresa.
- Want a go?
- No, no... They're doing a great job.
- Sure?
- Yes.
Take bread away from me, if you wish,
deny me air, light, spring,
but never your laughter.
Your Neapolitan laughter.
- Get out.
- Going.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Can I give you a hand?
- Thank you.
- Watch out, they're heavy!
- Hold on, there's these, too.
- Mind if we get some broccoli?
- No!
God, they eat a lot down here!
The rules are simple.
First to the finish wins.
- Ready?
- Yes.
One, two, three.
Go!
Delicious.
So mischievous.
Troublemaker.
What is it you want from me?
If you want me, come tomorrow
when my husband is not here.
But without the drama.
- Now get.
- I didn't understand.
- Get out!
- I'm going.
- The painting's here, right?
- Right.
And we're gonna go get it.
- I know just who can help us.
- Who?
- Saetta.
- Who's that?
A pilot and official getaway driver.
- He's good, then!
- This guy could take off in a Fiat Mille.
Of course...
Saetta.
How did the Gang end up here?
Don't you recognise me?
- It's Renatino.
- Renatino died 30 years ago.
Only the good die young, Saetta.
Listen, I know this seems odd,
but we'll tell you everything in time,
Mr Saetta.
Now make like a fighter jet
and let's go, we're in a rush.
- Kalashnikov.
- And he is?
He had Soviet connections,
sorted everything for us:
Handguns, pump-action rifles,
machine guns.
- Machine guns.
- He once sold us a bazooka.
Of course.
Isn't it a bit too soon to retire,
Kalashnikov?
Renatino... Back from the dead?
Christ, Renatino,
on this little journey through time,
you've missed 35 years of Italian history.
You haven't missed a thing.
You're kidding!
A.S. Roma won the League twice.
- Totti!
- Totti who?
- Francesco Totti!
- Who the hell is that?
Played for Roma, won the Serie A, a World
Cup... It's a long story, let's move on.
OK then...
First, I need to introduce this guy here.
I remembered him a bit differently.
- This is Severino, the Bolognaise.
- Hello!
Bank robber.
OK, boys, this is the museum.
I'm telling you now, it won't be easy,
but I have a plan.
We'll arrive at night in a truck,
big truck.
No, wait, I can't drive a truck.
My rotator cuff is absolutely destroyed.
- Fine, we'll get an automatic...
- OK! We'll arrive by night in a Fiat 127.
- They don't make them anymore.
- They don't?
A small car, then.
That's when we need weapons.
Handguns, rifles,
maybe two hand grenades.
Where am I supposed to get hand grenades?
Aren't you in with the Soviets?
Renatino, the USSR doesn't exist anymore!
- Doesn't exist?
- Nor Czechoslovakia.
- Really?
- Best I can get you is two hunting rifles.
Yeah, and a slingshot.
OK.
So, we arrive by night, in a small car,
with two hunting rifles
and Mr Park Ranger here
does his magic to get us in.
- Just a second.
- Wait.
- Can we not do this in daylight?
- No, we can't do this by day. Why?
Because at night I can't see
a bloody thing, I've got cataracts.
Are you kidding?
No! I can't hook up with her.
- Come on!
- Fine then.
- Gianfranco will stay dead forever.
- And it's your fault. All your fault.
You little shits!
You're making me feel guilty,
but I'm the one that has to hook up
with Mrs Fat Rat.
In 12 hours, the portal explodes
and we'll be here forever.
I know what you need.
Here, take a line
and see how you feel.
- No!
- Yes! Look!
- What are you doing?
- See?
For the last time!
I have never taken drugs in my life.
Not even
in that awkward adolescent phase...
Do it now!
Snort it!
Hold it in!
Nothing happened, I feel fine.
Normal, a bit refreshed, but fine.
I'm coming for you!
The devil himself!
You fool!
You can't get me, you can't get me!
Are you ready?
Come here, I'm going to eat you alive!
- You filth!
- Thank you.
Here, excuse me...
- Where the hell were you?
- You got the money? - It's here.
The South Americans are here, not a word.
I'll do the talking.
- I don't understand.
- Let me do the talking.
Ah, OK.
Where in South America are they from?
- Colombia.
- Yes...
- Medellin.
- Like...
- Shut up!
- OK.
My friend has it.
- Pablo?
- Escobar.
Pablo Escobar?
I'm a huge fan. I've seen
all your films and the TV series.
"Narcos"... I binge watched it!
But I have to say, Bardem in the film...
Meh, not so great.
But I'd watch the series 50 times!
What the hell are you on about?
Give him the money and shut it.
- Thank you, Pablo.
- Sorry.
Can I have an autograph?
- Shut up!
- Yes.
Why is a girl like you working
in that clown Fat Rat's bar?
It was my parents' bar.
Then my father got ill
and we needed money.
If you need money,
Fat Rat's always there.
Then, of course, it became his bar.
What could we do? We had to give it up.
But I won't give up, sooner or later
I'll get back what's ours.
Enough about me, what about you?
What about me?
Not much to say.
- Let's say I come from far away.
- Come on, Rome isn't that far!
Excuse me, would you like a photo
with your daughter?
- Daughter? Excuse me, but... daughter!
- He's not my father.
- Just 1000 liras for a photo, want one?
- Want one?
You'll regret it otherwise,
it's a nice memory.
- Big smile, ready?
- Yes, but you're a bit stiff.
- Give her a hug!
- Put your arm round me, Kawasaki!
Give her a little hug!
Boys, let's go home.
Home? Why?
Business went well, let's go celebrate!
Celebrate? The final's starting soon,
but first I want a shag.
Sure, but it's early
and your wife is available any time!
My wife? No, I respect my wife
like I would a mother.
It's Teresa I want.
Too right, Gennaro, Teresa Russo's got
too big for her boots. Punish her.
- Teresa Russo? Are you related?
- To who? Tricche Tracche?
No, to Teresa,
because she's a Russo like you.
Russo? I'm a Scognamiglio.
Gennaro Scognnamiglio.
Let's go.
Where'd you find this guy?
The last time I saw him, he was 31.
What do you want from me?
This won't do.
Look.
Dzeko, Zapata, Higuaín.
How long do you need? I need a piss!
I've been waiting two hours.
It's not in here, you need to go
down the hall and to the right.
I've got prostatitis,
I'm going to piss myself.
- No, this isn't the toilet. Stop!
- I can't go with you watching me!
Put that little shrimp away,
the toilets are down here. Come on.
- How old are you?
- 70.
Like my poor grandad,
he always pissed himself.
Say hi to him from me.
Oh, it hurts!
Oh God, it hurts, help me!
The pain!
- It hurts!
- Hey.
Coming.
- Help me! Help me!
- I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor.
- Tell me everything, what hurts?
- It hurts!
Don't shake me! I'll snap!
What? I can't understand you.
Calm down, don't die! You're very old.
- You're hurting me.
- Cataracts! Cataracts!
- What cataracts? You idiot!
- Doctor, an urgent call for you.
- It hurts!
- Call an ambulance. Don't move!
- Stay here! Let's go, come on!
- Come on!
- Hello.
- Hey! Even the Beefeaters are here.
Do you see fluffy hats?
It's the Swiss Guard.
- They're onto us.
- Play it cool.
- We're just having a wander.
- Hey!
Go, I'll get them.
Excuse me, Colonel,
but where is the bathroom?
My stomach... Oh! My stomach, oh God!
What's going on?
Oh God, they've stolen the Van Gogh!
Careful or you'll flip the chair!
- What are you doing?
- Do I look like a wheelchair driver?
- This isn't F1!
- I know that.
- Stop!
- Who's that?
- Where are you going?
- Here we go.
Stop, stop!
- Take the Van Gogh! Take it!
- Hey!
Stop!
Run!
- Stop!
- Ranieri!
- Let's split up! That way!
- Here!
- Stop!
- Stop!
- Hurry up!
- Wait, Renatino, where are we going?
- How do I know?
- We had my daughter's communion here.
At the Vatican Museums?
No time to chat, run!
- Wait!
- Come on, Kala'!
Renatino, stop, please,
my heart's gonna explode!
- Then they'll get you.
- The bastards, let them catch me!
- Take this!
- What the... The Van Gogh?
If you don't want to go to prison, run!
- Look, there's no need to be rude!
- Run!
Stop! Don't move! Hands up!
I surrender!
I'm a political prisoner!
Wow, the paintings in there, huh?
Yeah...
- Shame we have to leave.
- Real shame.
In fact, let's go.
Come on, Ranieri!
- Wait.
- I can't keep going.
Tell me one thing:
Why did you leave the Van Gogh?
- It's just the frame!
- No way! Good going, boys!
What's that?
Don't open that. Excellent!
Now close it, we're in the middle of Rome.
How do you say "suck on that"
in Switzerland?
Wow, look at you.
You've learned the tricks of the trade
in under a week!
I've been in this trade
since before you could walk.
In 2018, I'd be about 70.
Respect your elders.
Here.
What's this shit? It's warm!
It's warm!
If I wanted soup, I'd have ordered it.
Useless moron.
They've got the painting.
Let's go.
First, clean that up. Out my way.
Trickster, what you doing?
I'm cleaning it up,
what does it look like?
Doesn't it piss you off,
being treated like a fool every day?
He's the boss.
Boss?
You and me could run this place
better together, don't you think?
Jesus in heaven.
Is that why the women call you Einstein?
Because you blow their minds?
You're a genius!
Must have been the drugs,
a delayed effect.
Good. Well, sniff 'em every day!
Want more?
That was six times... but yes!
As long as you come away with me tonight!
I don't want to share you anymore.
- It's too risky...
- So risk it, Amalia!
- Kiss me!
- Huh?
- Seba!
- Huh?
- Kiss me!
- Yes.
Amalia, actually, could you make me
one of those famous Neapolitan coffees?
Good boy! That's why I love you!
Cock, coke and coffee!
- The perfect combo. Go on now.
- Yes.
- Go.
- Seba!
Cock, coffee and cocaine,
then let's do it all again...
- Wait.
- Quickly!
- Quickly!
- Quiet!
What've you been doing?
You've a face like a beetroot!
Leave it out, I did it.
The trial of my life,
but I did it for Gianfranco.
Actually,
I need to talk to you about that...
- About what?
- We made a mistake.
What kind of mistake?
Turns out Van Gogh's mother is Teresa!
- Teresa Russo! The waitress.
- What does that mean?
Van Gogh is the child of a rape:
He took his mother's name. Understand?
So you're telling me that I... that she...
You shagged in vain. I'm sorry.
But now you need to get out.
And straighten yourself up, you're a mess.
- Yes.
- Run!
I'll straighten myself up.
- Aren't we sweet?
- You're the sweet one.
So are you.
Listen, Teresa, I...
There's something I've not told you.
- You're married, right?
- Married? No! Not anymore.
So what is it?
- I have to leave tonight. I have to go.
- Where?
Where...
Far away... so far, it's hard to explain.
When will you be back?
That's the problem.
OK. But you're here now, right?
Teresa...
You're so young, full of life...
What are you doing with someone like me?
Are you still thinking
about what the photo guy said?
No, what do I care about him?
It's that... I've made this mistake
too many times.
You think I'm a mistake?
The best anyone could make.
- Bye, Tere'.
- Bye, Kawasa'.
- Where are we?
- Shut it, fool.
- They're here.
- Let's go.
No, you stay here with the girl.
Trickster, you're with me.
Hey. Don't worry, I've got this.
Slow down, my feet are killing me, please.
- Moreno!
- What's going on?
- Teresa's in danger, where is she?
- At home.
- Let's go!
- Slow down! - Come on!
Here they are.
Even that one that shot you,
Trickster, remember?
Of course.
You got a gun?
No, he's good.
What do you want?
- If you want to check me...
- Shut it. Close your jacket.
It's all good, huh?
- Where's the painting?
- I want to see my daughter first.
Show him the girl.
In a rush? Come on, here she is.
Come on!
Come on!
Lorella!
Give us a little wave!
Now where's the fucking painting
or I'll kill you now!
- Here.
- I want to see it open.
Trickster, what d'ya think?
Hey, Van Gogh, this guy looks like you...
Moron, this is Van Gogh.
- Now, give us the girl so we can go.
- We have to be back for something.
Why the hurry, boys?
If you go now, you'll miss the spa.
Come on.
- You're having a great time, huh?
- Aren't you?
Don't you want to try the hot tub?
It's delightful.
Did you forget something, Kawasaki?
What's up? Weren't you expecting me?
Whore!
- Why?
- You made a fool out of me in the bar!
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean...
- Fuck your apologies!
Don't you like Casanova? Huh?
I'll show you.
Come on, boys,
don't you want to take a little dip?
- We came through on our side of the deal.
- In my day, you could trust a criminal.
You insulted me.
Now I'll make mud out of you!
- Leave me alone!
- Slut! I know you like it!
Leave me be!
Stop!
- What do you want?
- Leave her be!
And who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Do it, Giuseppe.
You have to.
- He hasn't got the balls.
- Don't I?
Shoot him!
This is for Gianfranco!
What the...
I'm hungry.
They did it.
Where's Van Gogh?
Where's Van Gogh?
What did you do? I'll kill you!
- I'll kill you!
- Hey.
- Don't do anything stupid.
- Stay there.
Mumma's Boy! Mumma's Boy!
- Hey!
- No!
Why did you do that?
He fucked Van Gogh,
sooner or later he'd have done it to me.
A traitor's always a traitor.
Don't you forget it.
Now, do you really want
to get to know me better?
Can I trust you?
If not, I'll kill you all.
Come here! Move!
Get the painting!
Here. Here it is.
We came through.
Lorella, let's go.
Lorella, come with us.
- No.
- You decided?
I'm staying with him.
Lorella, you don't understand.
Sorry, who the hell are you?
Just a second, wait.
You want to stay with this guy?
Because I'm in love, OK?
Now get away.
Go!
Let's go.
Come on.
Moreno!
Sorry to interrupt but we need to be
in Rome in an hour and a half!
- Maybe give her your...
- My what?
I'll shut up.
Bye, Teresa.
- Bye, Kawasa'.
- Come on!
Moreno, the bomb's going off.
No! No!
- It's too late, the portal's gone!
- Now how will we get back to the future?
Here we go.
Who's that?
- It's Gianfranco!
- We did it!
- You're alive!
- My friends!
- Gianfranco!
- My friends!
- You did it!
- Gianfranco!
- Where did you come from?
- Frosinone!
- There's a space-time portal there.
- Half way back to Naples?
Come on, boys, it's all going wrong!
Get in, we need to hurry!
- Come on!
- Get in!
- Hurry up!
- In this, we'd be as well going on foot!
- Hold thigh!
- Let's go!
Go, go!
Shift the gear!
Right, boys, we've done our bit.
What about you?
Come on, the password?
Don't give me crap
or I'll knock your heads off.
Calm down, boys.
They held Lorella.
- They held her?
- Yes.
- She chose to go with that Mafia dick.
- She would never.
- I know her better than that.
- You don't seem you know her that well.
- She stayed with them to save us!
- What the hell do you know?
- I raised her!
- And what a brilliant job you did!
- What did you tell him?
- What choice did I have?
Now, let's go get her back.
Just hearing the name of the place
gives me shivers! I'm not going.
Sorry, but I got myself killed by them
once already. No, thanks.
- We don't want to make a habit out of that.
- No! Like hell am I giving up!
- I killed a man for that treasure!
- If you want, you can kill again...
Giuseppe, this is suicide.
I'm not willing to die.
When you asked me to go back to '82
to save Gianfranco, I was right there!
If you help us get Lorella home,
you can keep all the money.
That's more than 50 million, you know.
My life's worth more than that.
- Why are you looking at me?
- I need to speak to you.
- Sit down.
- No, I'm fine standing.
Lorella was born
nine months after we met.
- How lovely.
- Don't you see?
Lorella was born
nine months after we met.
But that time we...
Well, it only lasted 30 seconds.
- If we're counting, it was less.
- Yeah, OK.
But... well...
you did the necessary, anyway.
You're telling me that...
- Exactly.
- I'm just going to sit down.
I did tell you.
Anyway, I usually last long.
Sebastiano,
it's not about how long you last!
The point is...
Lorella could be your daughter!
Listen, I want to go home.
Take me back to '82.
How do I do it?
It's not easy.
The Frosinone portal has closed again.
We can try the one in Isernia.
Isernia?
- Where's that?
- It's not exactly famous.
OK, well, take me there.
Why do you want to go back to '82?
Giuseppe...
I don't like this future,
and all my mates are in '82.
Then... I want to see my daughter grow up.
I could raise her better, you know?
I'm telling you, if I'd raised her, she'd
never have run off with some Mafia jerk.
Look,
I don't know how to tell you this...
What?
In 1990, your pals
all united under the Ox
and murdered you
in the street like a dog.
- Me?
- Yes.
- What are you...
- It's true.
They were pissed off that you quit
the Gang to set up an art gallery.
That was your first past.
In the second,
they put a bomb right there in the bar.
Traitors.
We were a gang.
No. You were a pack of wolves,
ready to tear each other apart.
But it was you that taught a gang
means "all for one and one for all".
Like you.
You're a proper gang.
We are.
We are a proper gang.
We are a proper gang.
I know it sounds unbelievable,
but that's what happened.
I've always believed in you, Kawasaki.
Moreno. It's Moreno.
You think that's funny?
- I see you got the bar back in the end?
- Yeah, thank to you and your friends.
You freed me
and never asked anything in return.
- We just did what we had to.
- No, you didn't.
You're special people.
You risked your lives for me
without a second thought.
I'll never forget it.
- Do you want some?
- No, thanks.
- Look.
- Yeah?
Let's take Lorella, come on.
My love, don't let them keep you
in a fish tank.
Get out into the great wide ocean! Swim!
I love you!
Thank you, "fishies"!
The next one's for the birthday boy.
To Don Gaetano!
Thank you all!
Mumma's Boy! Mumma's Boy!
Mumma's Boy! Mumma's Boy!
And in honour
of your beautiful girlfriend,
here's a nice little romantic one!
Hear that, Lorella? This song's for you!
All together, now.
Now with music!
- Like it?
- Yes.
Ready, boys?
Let's go.
Feel it?
Gaetano, one last surprise for you,
a special gift.
Your favourite song.
Ladies and gentleman, hands in the air!
Boys, what's all this?
I don't like these guys at all.
- What's this?
- They're all funny shapes.
Uncultured swine, it's vintage!
- Boys! You ready?
- Yes, boss.
- Let the show begin.
- Ready!
Come on, boys, let's make 'em dance!
Sons of bitches!
"Banzai"!
Moreno, let's go!
Oh shit, it's stuck!
- Did it hurt?
- Help!
You pile of shit!
Nice one!
Where did you learn to aim like that?
- I didn't, I'm shooting at random!
- Makes sense!
You pile of shit!
Fishy!
That's for your stupid song.
Thank you.
- Stop that bitch!
- Where are you going? Stop!
Bitch!
- What are you doing?
- Let go!
- Let go!
- Love, what are you doing?
You disgust me! Let go!
Put the guns down
or I'll put her lights out!
We're not going anywhere
without our daughter.
"Our"? How many fathers do you have?
Just one.
- But he's furious.
- You've pissed me off.
You have ten seconds before I kill her.
When a heart surgeon's operating
with no scalpel,
he may as well remove
the stomach and eat it.
- What?
- I think he's got stomach problems.
- Nine.
- Guns down!
- Eight.
- I said guns down!
- Seven.
- Don't worry, Lorella, your daddy's going to fix this.
- Six.
- Shoot him and I'll blow you apart.
- Four.
- You missed five.
- Five.
- Good boy.
Lorella, remember
when you danced as a little girl?
- Four.
- That beautiful photo in your room.
- You wore a tutu.
- Three.
Renatino, remember what Lorella was doing
in that photo? Remember?
- I remember.
- Two!
- Would you do that for us now?
- What the fuck are you on about?
- Show your daddy, Lorella.
- One!
- When?
- Now.
- Let's go!
- Come on!
Are you an idiot? Come on!
Boys, we did it!
- Yes!
- It's not over until we're home.
- You're right.
- I'm sorry, but who are you?
I am...
- I'm a friend of your dad's.
- Yes, I'm a friend of your dad's too.
I mean, we're all friends of your dad,
such a good man.
And they say two's company,
three's a crowd.
A FEW MONTHS LATER
GOLD CHESTER - WALES
Few know of this place,
it's been destroyed and rebuilt 100 times.
In the year 147 AD,
the Romans built a secret crypt.
They say it held the Holy Grail
for hundreds of years.
Now it holds our treasure.
In you come, guys.
Gianfranco, it's a wall.
- This is no wall.
- It looks like a wall to me.
- And me.
- And me.
Watch this.
- Here we go.
- Look.
Here.
No way!
- Lorella.
- Huh?
The password.
Come on, love, put your bum on it.
- Come on!
- Come on!
Like this?
- With the cheek, go on.
- Come on.
No way!
- How cool is this?
- You're all mad!
It's like "Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Doom".
- Incredible.
- Do you see this?
Boys, there's at least
50 million euros here.
- I told you!
- That's about 6 million each.
What are we gonna do with all this money?
I'm gonna buy myself an original Van Gogh,
so I don't have to nick them anymore.
Excellent.
- I'd like to travel the world.
- How nice.
I can't decide between
a jet and a helicopter.
- What d'ya think, mum?
- A jet! Helicopters ruin your hair.
Guys, enough crap.
I've had the first serious idea
of my life.
I'm going to buy A.S. Roma.
You're gonna need more than that.
A jet, a world tour, A.S. Roma...
Before long, there's nothing left.
Then what?
We'd have to go back to work.
Um, I don't think so.
A few years and you'll have nothing
but a loin cloth, like Tarzan.
- Why "you"? You pulling out?
- Pulling out?
No!
I'll take half a mil'.
Bit of pocket money, you know?
And leave the rest here.
Me too.
What? I don't get it.
Don't you see?
The real treasure lies in the gang, in us!
You're right, Moreno,
we've hit the big time.
- That's true.
- What are you suggesting?
Easy. We each leave our share
and invest it all in something bigger.
- Such as?
- Like...
- Ever heard of the Mona Lisa?
- I've got six or seven at home.
The real one, Ranieri.
Excuse me a second,
I just want to get this straight.
- You'd like to go into the Lourdes...
- Louvre!
The Louvre and steal the Mona Lisa?
Impossible!
No, listen!
- Look.
- Yes.
During the Second World War,
to avoid the Nazi's getting them,
the French sent some 5000 masterpieces,
including the Mona Lisa,
to the Chateau de Chambord.
Get it? 5000, not just one.
Gianfranco, how long do you need
to take us back to 28th August 1939?
If I start now, we can be there
in a couple of months.
So?
- So what are we waiting for?
- Let's go?
Let's take the Mona Lisa!
Just an ideal
Sabrina lives in Monte Carlo,
married to an old French tennis star.
- And?
- She'll have half the treasure.
I don't know if I want to see her,
she'll be as old as my mother.
Gianfranco, you don't need money.
Didn't your start up make millions?
You realise I spent it all
bringing you back to the future?
Well, then let's take that treasure,
come on!
Right, let's take Monte Carlo!
Go ahead, go ahead. I'm coming for you.
THE BOYS ARE BACK IN CRIME
AMALFI COAST, NOWADAYS
Monte Carlo, he says.
To hell with Monte Carlo.
That's 1600 km you've made us drive.
How was I supposed to know Sabrina
had gone back to her ex-husband!
We should go back to the past to get
our treasure from the Magliana Gang!
- Exactly!
- This again?
- Enough with the time travel, guys!
- What? Why?
I had to take a bunch of fatal leaps
to come back and get you!
First I landed in 1922,
during the March on Rome.
- I had fascists chasing me.
- That'll do it.
Then in 1600 they wanted to burn me alive
for my Nike jumper.
They thought it was a satanic symbol.
- Imagine!
- Yeah.
I even had a scuffle
with a beatnik in '68.
- And look at this.
- What is it?
- It's a pterodactyl tooth.
- Show me.
- So you can see the hell I went through.
- It was on its head, right?
A tooth there?
Come on, it's not a unicorn.
- So it was a fluke that you found us?
- A fluke?
I conducted incredibly
sophisticated research
to uncover two portals
to take me back to Rome in 1982.
Ok, but a bomb exploded
the one in the bar.
- True.
- And where's the other?
- I know where, but I'm not telling you!
- Stop it!
- What are you doing?
- Look where you're going!
- Look where you're going!
- Let me see.
Watch out.
Listen, boys,
time-space portals are unstable.
Changing something in the past
can change the present,
to devastating effect...
- Especially with morons like you.
- Thanks, Gianfra'.
Here it is.
Sacked off
the French tennis player
and went back to her first husband.
- Name: Ranieri.
- Of course, Rainier Prince of Monaco.
No, Ranieri is his surname,
first name Massimo.
Like the singer, sure.
He sells counterfeits as real paintings.
And that piece of ass?
That? That's the daughter.
Lorella Heather.
Named after Lorella Cuccarini
and Heather Parisi.
This all seems a bit crazy.
I've always found Heather Parisi
very sexually attractive.
- What is it?
- There's Sabrina.
Let me see!
- Where is she?
- She's almost 70 now.
- Quite the fall from grace.
- Boys, we've got company.
And so, who was Vincent at heart?
A dreamer? A visionary?
Mentally disturbed? Crazy?
We'll never know, all we can do
is contemplate his paintings,
known all over the world,
including your own home: Indonesia.
In my humble opinion,
the gift we're about to give you
is the most inspiring
of all his self-portraits.
See the suffering,
the compassion, the pain,
I wouldn't call it disgust
but almost, yes.
You want to help him, I feel it,
but you can't because he's dead,
my dear sirs.
Van Gogh is dead!
- Van Gogh is dead!
- Dead.
So today, I'm practically offering
you Van Gogh's body,
for just 7 million euros
including VAT and frame.
Thank you.
Bravo! What a speech.
Well done, bravo.
Sebastiano!
I had a feeling you'd come back.
Hi, Sabrina. My, how you've changed.
- Come on, she's in a chair...
- Who do we have here, more buyers?
- Not really.
- No. Excuse me.
My good sirs,
I have a revelation for you.
- Translate into Japanese, please.
- They're Indonesian.
- Indonesian, same thing. Same area.
- No!
I wanted to tell you about
how the painter Van Gogh
had an incredible obsession.
Just one thing in his head.
This.
What are you doing?
Have you gone mad?
- This.
- You're ruining a masterpiece!
Enough with the circus.
This is a fake,
translate that into Korean.
- I told you they're Indonesian.
- Same thing.
This is anything but Van Gogh.
- Take that.
- Not the face!
Gianfranco, what are they doing?
It's fine, Sabrina.
Give us our money and we'll go.
And why should I give you it?
Maybe because you made it
investing the Gang's treasure...
With Gianfranco's discoveries in 1982
on my iPhone.
Do you want to tell me what's going on?
So, as a boy I shared everything
I found on this iPhone with Sabrina.
The fall of the Berlin Wall,
Berlusconi's rise to power... Jalisse!
- The music duo?
- You're so thick!
You wrote in a WhatsApp group how Jalisse
had won the Sanremo music festival.
I told Sabrina
to bet 200 million liras on it.
- We won!
- We hit the big time.
So that money is also ours, you see?
And how is it yours?
Thirty-five years ago, it was mine.
- Junior, take his gun.
- Is he...
He is...
Renatino.
Straight outta 1982.
Nice to meet you.
- Sorry, did you not die in the explosion?
- Yes!
There's always time to die.
Right, Sabrina?
Look at that,
even this pain in the arse is here.
Yes, I'm here,
I've never been to the Amalfi Coast.
I must say it's a place...
But go on, you were saying?
I don't know what you did
to that door in the bar,
but I'm here and I want my money back!
- Mum, who is this?
- Mum?
Mum?
This is your daughter?
- And?
- I'm the father.
How nice. What a lovely family.
- Now I want my money back.
- Leave Lorella be.
- He knows where the money is, Renatino.
- Hey!
No, let me explain, Mr Renatino.
Sabrina and I
were in business together for a while
and disagreed
over some crypto investments.
- "Crap" what?
- What?
He decided to move everything
to a secret server...
What's a server?
A server is like a big computer
on which we can find... bitcoins.
- What the hell are bitcoins?
- He's asking what bitcoin are.
Bitcoin is a virtual
21st-century currency...
- An alternative to euros.
- And what the hell are euros?
Are we really going over
the last 35 years of history?
He's from 1982, he knows nothing!
- Hey!
- No!
- Look, I'll give you a quick summary.
- Bravo.
I know where the money is
but don't have a password.
Sabrina has the password,
but doesn't know where the money is.
- Unfortunately...
- What the hell is a password?
- Oh, come on!
- He doesn't understand a thing.
- Did he even get past nursery?
- My mum doesn't have it, I do.
- It's a bar code.
- Where is this bar?
It's not a bar, it's...
It's a code that you scan... A key!
And where's the key?
- Here!
- Lorella, what are you doing?
- Where is this key?
- Here!
- It's there.
- Close the curtain.
- Are you taking the piss?
- Renatino, stop it.
There's enough money for everyone,
we can come to an agreement.
Just calm down.
OK.
- What the...
- What...
Get down!
Get the fuck out of my way!
Gab them. Mumma's Boy, get the painting!
Son of a bitch!
No!
- Guns down or I'll kill you all!
- Give up!
Don't move!
Come here, shithead!
You'll be joining your pals!
Don't move, come!
- Don't move.
- Yes.
No use shouting,
I can't understand your dialect.
- Come on, move.
- No!
- Hey, Van Gogh, the Chinese got away.
- They're Indonesian.
They were Indonesian.
Up.
Look.
My nickname ever since I was a kid
was Van Gogh, like this guy.
They say I look like him.
- What d'ya think?
- Meh...
Of course, with the doodle it's
a bit difficult to see any kind of sim...
I'll shut up.
- Cut the crap.
- OK.
Me and my friends came from Scampia,
the Camorra heartlands,
to find my painting sliced open
and a cock on his head!
The penis was them, but a little sponge
and it'll wipe right off.
- Dad.
- Shut up.
The painting you were flogging
to the Thai buyers is a fake.
A fake?
- Yes.
- No.
Is this true?
- Is it real or not?
- Leave her be!
I'm speaking to you!
Cat got your tongue?
No. I'm just not used to speaking
with a gun in my face.
The painting is a fake, I confess.
I'll fix this.
Please, she's my daughter.
This bloke's some balls, eh?
But I'm walking away empty-handed.
And when a lion wants to eat a goat,
a rabbit won't do.
- "A lion and a rabbit..." What?
- Dunno.
- I don't understand these southerners.
- He's not hungry anymore.
I don't like being toyed with!
- The girl is coming south with me!
- No!
I can offer you an original Giotto,
24 colours.
Shut it.
You have a week to bring me the original.
I want to hang it above the toilet
and look at myself every morning.
Laugh!
Otherwise, I'll cut off the whore's head
and sell it to Napoli as a football!
Van Gogh, why all this fuss
over a stupid painting?
- Because I said so.
- You really want this?
I'm just kidding.
Mumma's boy thinks I'm kidding around.
Did you all believe it?
- No!
- No!
- Gianfranco!
- Gianfranco, no!
I never kid.
'Mon, boys!
Lorella!
- Gianfranco!
- Lorella!
- Gianfranco!
- Lorella!
- You're hurting me!
- Van Gogh, I'll take her.
Don't get too attached.
Let's go!
Come on!
Get on.
Who were those nut jobs?
Van Gogh's gang. The redhead's
an infamous Camorra gangster in Naples.
Toto Russo,
son of Gennarino, aka Fat Rat.
Lovely family.
- Spanish Quarters Gennarino?
- Yes.
I bought gear from him.
Well, in light of this...
This disaster...
I think it's time for us all to go home.
The party's not over yet.
No one's leaving until I get my money.
Still on that?
But the key to the treasure
is tattooed onto Lorella's backside.
Which is not to be touched.
Don't forget, Gianfranco was the only one
who knew where to use it.
Renatino, the treasure's gone forever.
If I have to bring your pal here
back to life, I'm getting my money!
Know what?
He might not be so stupid after all.
And I might be about to shoot you.
Let him speak, Renatino. Sorry, go on.
Fine, go on.
I need to do something, I'm sorry.
What are you doing?
Sorry, Gianfranco.
His notebook.
He wrote down
where the other portal to '82 is.
And?
And if we go back in time...
- No!
- Wait, wait...
"No" what?
If we can find this Fat Rat,
we can stop him bringing
that shithead Van Gogh into the world
and killing Gianfranco.
Which would mean?
If you change something in the past,
you change it in the present.
If the redhead's not born,
Gianfranco doesn't die.
Yeah.
You're telling me you can resurrect
your chubby mate?
Well, nothing's for sure,
but it's an option we can try!
Sorry, has no one remembered my daughter?
OK, here's the plan.
Mr Big Shot Dealer and I
go rescue Lorella.
- Can't I come?
- Ranieri, you're the dealer.
Got it.
You three...
go back to 1982 and save your mate,
then he tells us where the treasure is
and we'll get the key.
- Giuseppe, here.
- Me?
- Come here!
- He means you, go.
Ditch the replica and take this.
Go back in time, find this Fat Rat guy,
tell him you need some coke.
I'm telling you now, cocaine...
I can't do that anymore.
Do what you like,
as long as you pop a bullet in his head.
You wanted the chance
to be a real gang member?
- Yes.
- This is it.
You feel it?
Let's go.
Move!
- You moving or not? Do as I say.
- In you go.
- What are you gonna do to me?
- Nothing.
- If you behave.
- Ha.
Thirsty?
- A bit.
- Here, drink this.
- Thank you.
- I'm gonna fix up the room a bit.
- Then I'll get you something to eat, OK?
- Get her a nice sausage dish.
- I'm vegan.
- You're what?
Vegan...
Don't fuck with us. Get in the corner.
Vegan...
Trickster, be right back.
Whore...
Mumma's Boy.
No more than lunch and dinner, got it?
When Van Gogh gets back, she's gone.
- What you mean? Why?
- You moron. Let me explain.
She's seen everything,
she knows where we live. Get it?
Right, let's see.
Sketches, plans...
I can't understand a thing.
Ah, the second portal in Rome.
The portal is in this gym.
Let's go.
Are we sure Van Gogh
was conceived in July 1982?
Come on, we've been over this.
The idiot is an open book, see?
Toto Russo, born 7th April 1983.
- If I can count, that's nine months.
- He could've been two months premature.
- Shut up, will you?
- I was born at seven months.
Here! Here!
- Gol.
- Wait!
- What?
- There's one thing missing.
- What is it?
- This. I can't go without it.
- Of course... That...
- This gives me the heebie-jeebies.
- Let me see.
- Here it is.
- Ready.
- Yes. - Go.
- Why am I always first?
- You're the brave one.
Fair point.
- Slowly. Slowly...
- Go, go.
I'm here, coming.
Coming...
Boys, welcome back to 1982.
- Where's the gym?
- I don't know.
That way.
- Here we are.
- Go, go!
What is it? A bank?
- Oh my God, we're here!
- No, let's not mess around, go back!
Go, go!
Come on!
Go, come on!
- Come on!
- No, pull it back, no!
Oh God.
No!
Gianfranco did say
the doors are unstable.
- Doors?
- Portals!
- Oh God, we're stuck here.
- We're in a "cul de sac".
- A"cul"?
- "De sac".
They got me!
Shoot that arsehole! Shoot him!
- Hit the alarm!
- Chicken Legs, where are you?
Boys, they've set off the alarm!
Take the bags and get in the car!
- Let's go!
- Go!
- The police!
- Come on!
- Get out of the way!
- Giuseppe!
God, you were ugly.
Says you, with that mop
you look like Madam Mim.
I remembered it worse.
- Afternoon, what a ruckus.
- Hello.
- Where did you come from?
- The future.
Imbecile! This is no time to mess about!
- Who do you think you're talking to?
- No...
There's no time
to argue with this idiot.
- Idiot? Sorry, do I know you?
- We're on your side, you arsehole!
Leave him be!
Giuseppe's about to grab him anyway...
- What?
- You'll see.
- No!
- For fuck's sake!
- Do you remember?
- I remember, yes.
You see, Mr Manager? And this is nothing.
You'll shit yourself in a minute.
- Excuse me?
- Look.
- Come here.
- Nice one.
- I must have known he was a...
- An idiot.
- Exactly.
- What the...
Guns down!
Quickly, or I'll blow his brains out!
He's gone mad.
- You two, behind me.
- Coming.
- Boss, let's go!
- Go outside, I'll get the money.
Live in peace.
Don't worry, madam,
it'll all be over in two minutes.
No crying, this is nothing.
Just a hole in the leg,
you're not going to die.
Maybe a wheelchair.
Chicken Legs, grab the bag with the money.
- It hurts, get off.
- Come on, I'll take you home.
Come on, this is nothing.
- Come on, go!
- Goodbye.
It's all fine, they get it now anyway.
Awful day, isn't it?
I don't know,
then this lot arrived all dressed up.
- Let's go, the Gang are after us.
- Shut up! Look, the money's here.
- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?
We need money
to buy coke from Fat Rat, right?
- Yes.
- Let's go.
- Hey!
- Yes.
- Who are you lot?
- We're hostages.
Hostages?
Come on, we need to find a car
to get to Naples, go, go!
What are you looking at? Get in.
Massimo, you have to get her back!
I'll get her, but my travel buddy
isn't the brightest and you know it!
I promise I'll bring her back, OK?
I'm telling you,
Renatino doesn't need to know.
No, no, he doesn't need to know.
- You don't have to tell him.
- I won't tell him.
- I love you.
- I love you too. You know?
Boys, I haven't nicked a car for 30 years.
Still feels the same...
We can't go through the bank anymore,
so the only way back to the future
is through the Gang's bar
before it explodes.
- It's fine, we have four days until the final.
- Yes.
Touch the screen to open the gallery.
Who's that?
Who's speaking?
- How can I help you today?
- Who is it?
- What the fuck do you want?
- I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
Who are you? Tell me, so I can shoot you.
- Remember, I can't feel pain.
- Yeah?
- For Christ's sake...
- Do you want to call Chris?
- What are you doing?
- This thing is talking to me!
Well, don't respond. Put the gun down.
Listen, this afternoon there's a party
at Countess Papareschi Boccapadula's.
Who?
Orsetta Papareschi Boccapadula, one
of Italy's most successful art collectors!
She doesn't know a thing.
A few years ago I fobbed her off
with a few rather notable items.
What's this Countess
got to do with anything?
I found out she has an original Van Gogh.
So I got myself an invite to her party
and, like a true Pygmalion, said
I'd introduce her to my latest discovery:
A young abstract artist,
of the new Roman school.
Nice.
- Who is it?
- You.
Me? I did the first year,
but I flunked it...
Would never have guessed.
But it's the only way
to get our hands on that painting.
Can you play the abstract artist?
What can I say?
Let's go see the Countess.
- Where are you going?
- To the party.
Dressed like that?
- What's wrong with this?
- Everything.
What are you looking at? I'm an artist.
He dresses like an undertaker
and gives me the eye?
- Good afternoon.
- Let's get off on the right foot.
Let me do the talking,
I know these circles.
- You'll say the absolute minimum, and no improv.
- OK.
Countess Boccapadula, such a pleasure!
- Massimo, my dear! How are you?
- All the better for seeing you.
Let me introduce you to a genius!
This is the one
I've told you so much about.
- Good afternoon. What a beautiful house.
- My dear, it used to be!
These are difficult times,
everything is falling to bits.
Excuse me a moment, I'm going to check
if the Baroness is still alive.
Sure.
My dear Baroness, how are you?
Who needs sat nav?
It's '82 and we got to Naples
in two hours in a Fiat Ritmo!
Two hours.
Look at that.
Welcome to Naples, good sirs.
Sure, it's a masterpiece.
- This is the city of Toto, Eduardo...
- Pino Daniele, Troisi...
Bruscolotti!
Bruscolotti! What a footballer!
Fish, fish!
Get your fish!
- Seabass!
- Do you trust me?
Are you sure about this?
Go on, then.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Listen, we're looking for Fat Rat.
- For who?
- Fat Rat.
- Fat Rat.
- We'll pay well.
Ain't no Fat Rat here, get lost.
I'll translate: There's no Fat Rat,
and he suggests leaving.
Sorry.
- I'll have my money back.
- Excuse me, can I take the lead?
- I know the ropes better.
- Yes.
Thank you.
Fish, fish, get your fish!
- Christ...
- Live octopus!
This is how it's done.
- Don't get carried away.
- Let me handle this.
Hi.
We want some of that.
How much you want?
Loads. But we want it from Fat Rat.
- Fat Rat?
- Yes.
Never heard of him, wrong place.
- Right...
- Come on, let's go.
- My turn next time.
- Everyone makes mistakes.
There's the look-out.
- The look-out.
- The look-out.
I'll go.
Hello there, could I ask you a question?
I promise you we're not police, if that
helps avoid unpleasant misunderstandings.
- He just can't help himself.
- We are looking for drugs.
Do you have drugs? Because
that's what we're looking for, drugs.
And we'd like to get those drugs
from Gennaro, aka Fat Rat.
He's a boss in this area
who we're told sells excellent drugs.
Thank you, goodbye.
Hey!
Looking for Gennarino?
You looking for him or not?
- Yes.
- Think so.
- Come on then, don't make a fuss.
- What did he say?
- I don't understand anyone here.
- Follow him without making a fuss.
See? You have to be clear
with the locals.
Yes.
Go, go.
- Can we come in?
- Can we?
This way?
This way? It's so dark, can't see a thing.
This must be one of those caves
for maturing that cheese they have.
- Yes.
- What are you on about?
- Is there no light?
- No, doesn't look like it.
Where...
Hello! How's it going?
Put that away, the room is full of people!
I've got another cartridge on me,
let's go and get that painting.
The Countess usually shows off
her collection at the end of the night.
Let's wait
until they're in the secure room.
Once everyone's in,
we'll nick the painting and shut them in.
- And in the meantime, what do we do?
- Mingle a bit.
- I'm supposed to mingle.
- Keep close.
- For you.
- No, thanks.
What are these rolls?
- Sushi, sir.
- Sushi!
What the hell is sushi?
Rolls of rice and fish.
Now shut up and eat.
- I'll take this one.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Wait... What the hell...
You gave me the bit with the skin?
He's angry
because he's allergic to seaweed.
- Apologies.
- It's fine.
Did you know there's seaweed in that?
I don't like touching it with my feet!
Go!
Stop, stop, it's bad!
I nearly did it myself.
- What are you doing?
- Don't worry, I'll take it off for you.
This strip here is seaweed.
There you go, I got rid of it.
He's a famous food critic, obsessed
with hygiene, sometimes goes overboard.
He's hilarious!
Come on, let's do a story together!
Do what together? Seems a bit much.
Maybe just a quickie.
Shut up! You're hilarious!
Nuts! Who is this guy?
What the hell is she saying?
She has millions of followers,
she's an influencer.
- Influencer... that got her an invite?
- Oh dear... Listen here.
We need to find out exactly
what time the secure room opens.
I'm going to speak to the Countess,
do me a favour and don't move. Got it?
OK.
Corked... I'm gonna shoot someone.
Hello, we're looking
for Mr Gennarino the Fat Cat...
Sorry, Fat Rat.
I hate that nickname.
I'm Casanova! Everyone knows that! Right?
Right!
Tricche Tracche,
why are they calling me like that?
Because he shags 'em all!
- OK.
- Every hole's a goal! Shags all of 'em!
OK, OK.
Right, you gonna tell me
what these men want from me?
Been goin' about
the whole Spanish Quarters
shitting where they please all day.
Actually, we would like to buy
some drugs from you.
- This again?
- And who do you think you are, coming here?
- Police?
- No!
- The military?
- No!
No!
We've come from... Renatino! In Rome.
Oh yeah? I know Renatino well.
You think he wouldn't've told me?
Why should I believe you?
Tricche Tracche, pat him down.
I think he meant him.
It's true, I sold this modified gun
to Renatino myself.
Needed it to shoot that chicken shit.
Give it to me.
- Come on then, names?
- Pleasure to meet you, Seba... Ay!
Stein.
He's Einstein, 'cause he's the most
intelligent... in the group anyway!
- And you?
- Me...
They call me Kawasaki.
I'm mad for motorbikes.
- And shit bucket here?
- Thanks.
He's got such a head of hair
we call him the Wig!
They're jealous.
Back to the point.
Here's a little advance,
then if the stuff is as good as you say,
we do business with you.
Guns down.
Good lads.
- Now come with me.
- Where?
The Italy semi-final's on.
- Of course!
- Sure, against Poland!
Let's watch it in my bar. We can chat
a bit and you can try our gear.
Lovely, of course.
I don't...
Forward... Cabrini, pass the ball!
Who let him in?
Who wants some?
Who wants to sample it?
- No, no!
- No.
- Fine then, I'll go.
- You said you couldn't do it anymore.
And I meant it, but someone has to.
I feel the call of duty.
- Sure.
- No need to squabble, there's enough for everyone.
- OK, I'm going.
- Huh?
I'm going.
How is it, how is it?
Delightful, flavoursome,
grainy yet compact, good.
- Beer?
- For him.
- Another beer.
- For him.
Thanks.
- And a sparkling water.
- That's for me, thank you.
- Welcome.
- Sparkling water?
- What's wrong with sparkling water?
- Have a beer.
- No!
- Have a beer!
Bring us another beer.
I finish my shift,
my family's waiting on me.
You finish when I say you finish!
- I'm sorry.
- You'll pay for that.
"Forza Italia"!
What the hell are you doing there?
Back to work.
Just loves being with the men.
- Hello, my love!
- Good evening, Mrs Amalia.
- Who's that?
- I think that's Mrs Fat Rat.
- You wearing a wig?
- No, no, no!
This Rossi's come from nowhere,
he's phenomenal!
From nowhere? Just watch, he's gonna score
another, then win the Golden Boot.
- Giuseppe!
- It's like a bad habit.
- What do you know?
- Intuition, you know?
Paolo Rossi... he's Ballon d'Or material.
Can't deny that.
- I don't like Paolo Rossi.
- No, me neither.
Do you know who I like? Bruno Conti.
'Cause he's a bit Brazilian, you know?
Anyway, fuck all that.
- "Forza Napoli"!
- "Forza Napoli"!
Hey! Don't I know you...
Ha! This is Antonio Cabrini,
World Cup champion!
Cabrini!
I saw you in the World Cup four days ago.
You mean 35 years ago!
What happened to you, Cabrini?
You used to be the beautiful Antonio!
Now he's the old Antonio.
- No way...
- Yes way.
I don't believe it. Bruno Conti!
I don't believe it.
Bruno! Still with the hair!
You've got the cheek to talk about hair
when you're dressed like that.
And then there were tulips everywhere.
Holland in spring is enchanting.
But then we went to the Maldives
and got such a tan, right, love?
- It was just a beautiful wedding.
- Yes.
Whose wedding?
Ours.
Good one!
He wanted to get married so badly,
tradition and all that!
Show him a photo of Kiki!
- Of who? Your dog?
- No! Kiki's our daughter.
Your daughter...
How do you two have a daughter?
It wasn't easy... but it was worth it.
- Kiki is such a cute little girl.
- She's from Vietnam.
Are you taking the piss?
She was born in Saigon,
which is now Ho Chi Minh City...
No, let's pretend I never heard you.
Oaf.
Oh! You... which group are you with?
Group? I'm a solo artist.
- Oh, you work alone? Solo killer?
- Killing it with my singing.
- Singing?
- Yes.
- That's what they're calling it now?
- What am I supposed to call it?
What a joke!
No one has any values anymore,
it's crime against the old ways.
OK.
Mrs Amalia, come and toast with us!
We're going to the final.
- Yes, come on, come!
- Just a sip, I'm on a diet, ya know.
Diet, she says.
That's the spot.
What's up?
Perfect. Italy scored,
now let's get some air and talk business.
Yes.
Your coke arrives from South America
in three days.
OK?
Oh, I dropped my lighter! It was
a gift from my wife, she'll kill me.
Give me a hand, Wig!
- Help me get my lighter.
- Go!
- Push him!
- Wig!
- Push him!
- I can't...
- Wig, hold on!
- Let go!
- I can't.
- Hold on!
Come on, I've got it!
Let him go!
I can't!
I can't!
- Hold on!
- Let him go!
- Come on, Fat Rat.
- We were so close.
- Thank God!
- Thanks, Wig.
If it weren't for you,
I'd have hit the ground.
Jesus...
What's up? It's yours!
- Let's go, come on.
- Sure.
Let's watch the rest of the match.
- Thank you, Wig!
- What's wrong with you?
I'm the stupid one, huh?
Can I interest you in some coke, sir?
Yes! I really need
some good '80s shit just now!
There you are... What are you doing?
- I'm partying.
- Put that down.
- It's crap anyway.
- Away with you.
My dear! Massimo tells me
you have a troubled past.
He still hasn't gotten over the worst.
Maestro, I'd be so honoured
if you would delight us
with a performance...
A bit of improv.
Improv?
He seems tired,
I don't think he's feeling it.
- We can ask him. Are you feeling it?
- Maybe...
He's confused, he's not feeling it.
- One never says no to a lady.
- On certain occasions one does.
- Absolutely not.
- Unfortunately, yes.
- So, you are feeling it?
- Unfortunately, yes.
- Yes! Bring us a canvas!
- You were supposed to say no!
A moment of your attention!
We have a performance for you!
Performance! Performance! Performance!
- You've really screwed us here.
- I don't understand.
- Performance!
- Smile! Performance!
- Are we done yet?
- We're done for.
Try the yellow.
- What do I do?
- Flick it.
- What is he doing?
- He's painting.
Go wild.
- Yellow.
- Now the red.
Yellow-red.
Hashtag: Trash!
- And blue.
- Do I have to use them all?
- Tell me that's it! Please!
- Go!
Oh God.
We're breaking boundaries
in stuffy museums,
kicking rotting traditions to the curb,
ladies and gentlemen!
Please welcome
the new Joachim Raphael Boronali!
- Who the hell is that?
- He doesn't know it...
But he's the rising star
of the new Italian Excessivist movement.
- Ah, I see it!
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
My friends, follow me to my treasures.
I love them like my children,
and they're far less
of a pain in the neck!
- Here are Petruzzo's portraits.
- She means Mondrian.
- And my Basiluccio paintings.
- Obviously Kandinsky.
Of course.
I hate to be bold, Countess,
but are you telling me you haven't
a single work from our dear old Vincent?
- Vincent who?
- Van Gogh, madame! Even I knew that.
- Of course: The self-portrait!
- Excellent.
I lent it to the Vatican museums
for an exhibition.
Excuse me a moment,
I need to see to Monsignor Spadellato.
Countess!
You mean I suffered
this tunnel of horrors for nothing?
You think I've enjoyed
making excuses for all your gaffes?
- Know what? I'm going back to the '80s.
- And the treasure?
To hell with the treasure, the painting.
You future people are all insane.
We'll go and get the painting
from the Vatican museums.
You want to walk into the Pope's house
and nick a painting?
If we don't steal that painting,
they'll kill Lorella.
- I don't give a shit about your daughter!
- Wait a second.
- What?
- I promised Sabrina I wouldn't tell you this.
- Lorella is 35 years old.
- And?
She was born in 1983,
when I hadn't met Sabrina yet.
Do you understand now?
So, you're not the father.
- Then who...
- You've got it.
It's OK, nothing to worry about.
- God.
- Hey.
Oh my God.
I'm the father.
Look at this.
First day of school, always smiling.
She made friends with everyone.
This one here? Our holiday in Sardinia.
She'd never go in the pool,
afraid of the water, she said.
Ah! Eight years old,
already in dance lessons.
She'd already learnt to do the splits
and she did them everywhere,
even in the lift, in our building,
in the street.
She always believed I was her father,
because we raised her as if I was.
With love.
Sadly, that wasn't the truth.
- How could I have known?
- Well, now you know.
Ranieri, let's go get my daughter!
Our daughter!
How do you like the room?
Much better. Thanks.
Take these, my sister used to wear them.
Want me to leave?
No, it's fine. Just turn around.
- Sure?
- Yes.
OK.
A private show!
Mumma's boy, is this the first time
you've seen a woman's arse for free?
Miss, cover up
or this one'll fall in love with you!
What do you want?
We have a problem in Secondigliano.
Move it.
Let's take your ride, Trickster.
I'll leave you two alone. Don't worry,
Mumma's Boy's no good at this anyway.
Hey.
- What's your name?
- What do you care?
God, I just asked your name.
To get to know you better.
I don't like that nickname.
I'm Gaetano.
OK, Gaeta'.
You don't have to let your boss
treat you like that.
What you looking at me for?
It's not easy
to kill someone in cold blood.
I get it, but you didn't have
to save his life.
- I couldn't do it, alright?
- We'll just give up the treasure then, shall we?
Treasure? What treasure?
Sebastiano,
if we don't kill Fat Rat here...
Gianfranco stays dead
and there's nothing we can do.
Spare any change?
Hey! What are you doing in here?
You didn't understand me,
no one comes in here. Get it?
- Get out, come on! Gol!
- No!
- Madame!
- Go!
- No...
- Go, go!
Disgusting!
What are you doing?
To stop this Totò Russo being born,
we don't necessarily need
to kill the father.
We just need someone
to run off with the glutton.
Can I just say, I find it a bit offensive
calling a woman a glutton
just because she is a little large.
- Would you prefer Mrs Fat Rat?
- Better.
We just need her to fall in love.
When the moment's right, we convince her
to come back to the future with us.
Then her husband can't get her pregnant.
Can I remind you that the portal
explodes in three days?
- I know that.
- It's impossible.
- Boys, do we want Gianfranco back or not?
- Of course.
- So?
- Well, that's not all.
We also need someone,
during the courtship, to distract Fat Rat.
I can offer my services here.
- Why you?
- Why him?
They have a connection:
He saved the arsehole's life!
Anyway, we need to do all this in the bar.
Mrs Fat Rat never leaves.
Yeah, but she's never alone.
That beautiful waitress girl is also here.
So we also need someone
to distract her somehow.
That'll be you then...
Not you, Moreno!
Given the long list of under-25 conquests
that got you a divorce.
- Let's recap.
- OK.
- I'll distract the waitress.
- Right.
OK. Giuseppe distracts Fat Rat.
Right.
- And you...
- And I...
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- No! Not the glutton, no!
- Ah! Now she's a glutton!
Now she's a glutton? You're a bully!
- A bully, yes. And a hypocrite.
- And a racist.
No!
On your way, sir!
Red roses.
You. Out.
- Good morning, Don Gennaro.
- Good morning.
- You're dealing with him today.
- Give me a gram.
Here.
- 50 euros?
- Euro? What's that?
I mean 50.000 liras...
Which I call 50 euros...
Nice, half of yesterday!
Thanks, Don Gennaro!
We're giving it away, now?
God, you're good.
- You could be a singer.
- Oh, here we go.
Listen, I mean it.
I was once a music producer.
Why don't we jam together some time,
me and you?
- With who? With you?
- Who else?
You're trying too hard.
Obviously, with a name like Kawasaki...
OK then, Mr Kawasaki.
- What's your name?
- Teresa.
- Want a go?
- No, no... They're doing a great job.
- Sure?
- Yes.
Take bread away from me, if you wish,
deny me air, light, spring,
but never your laughter.
Your Neapolitan laughter.
- Get out.
- Going.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Can I give you a hand?
- Thank you.
- Watch out, they're heavy!
- Hold on, there's these, too.
- Mind if we get some broccoli?
- No!
God, they eat a lot down here!
The rules are simple.
First to the finish wins.
- Ready?
- Yes.
One, two, three.
Go!
Delicious.
So mischievous.
Troublemaker.
What is it you want from me?
If you want me, come tomorrow
when my husband is not here.
But without the drama.
- Now get.
- I didn't understand.
- Get out!
- I'm going.
- The painting's here, right?
- Right.
And we're gonna go get it.
- I know just who can help us.
- Who?
- Saetta.
- Who's that?
A pilot and official getaway driver.
- He's good, then!
- This guy could take off in a Fiat Mille.
Of course...
Saetta.
How did the Gang end up here?
Don't you recognise me?
- It's Renatino.
- Renatino died 30 years ago.
Only the good die young, Saetta.
Listen, I know this seems odd,
but we'll tell you everything in time,
Mr Saetta.
Now make like a fighter jet
and let's go, we're in a rush.
- Kalashnikov.
- And he is?
He had Soviet connections,
sorted everything for us:
Handguns, pump-action rifles,
machine guns.
- Machine guns.
- He once sold us a bazooka.
Of course.
Isn't it a bit too soon to retire,
Kalashnikov?
Renatino... Back from the dead?
Christ, Renatino,
on this little journey through time,
you've missed 35 years of Italian history.
You haven't missed a thing.
You're kidding!
A.S. Roma won the League twice.
- Totti!
- Totti who?
- Francesco Totti!
- Who the hell is that?
Played for Roma, won the Serie A, a World
Cup... It's a long story, let's move on.
OK then...
First, I need to introduce this guy here.
I remembered him a bit differently.
- This is Severino, the Bolognaise.
- Hello!
Bank robber.
OK, boys, this is the museum.
I'm telling you now, it won't be easy,
but I have a plan.
We'll arrive at night in a truck,
big truck.
No, wait, I can't drive a truck.
My rotator cuff is absolutely destroyed.
- Fine, we'll get an automatic...
- OK! We'll arrive by night in a Fiat 127.
- They don't make them anymore.
- They don't?
A small car, then.
That's when we need weapons.
Handguns, rifles,
maybe two hand grenades.
Where am I supposed to get hand grenades?
Aren't you in with the Soviets?
Renatino, the USSR doesn't exist anymore!
- Doesn't exist?
- Nor Czechoslovakia.
- Really?
- Best I can get you is two hunting rifles.
Yeah, and a slingshot.
OK.
So, we arrive by night, in a small car,
with two hunting rifles
and Mr Park Ranger here
does his magic to get us in.
- Just a second.
- Wait.
- Can we not do this in daylight?
- No, we can't do this by day. Why?
Because at night I can't see
a bloody thing, I've got cataracts.
Are you kidding?
No! I can't hook up with her.
- Come on!
- Fine then.
- Gianfranco will stay dead forever.
- And it's your fault. All your fault.
You little shits!
You're making me feel guilty,
but I'm the one that has to hook up
with Mrs Fat Rat.
In 12 hours, the portal explodes
and we'll be here forever.
I know what you need.
Here, take a line
and see how you feel.
- No!
- Yes! Look!
- What are you doing?
- See?
For the last time!
I have never taken drugs in my life.
Not even
in that awkward adolescent phase...
Do it now!
Snort it!
Hold it in!
Nothing happened, I feel fine.
Normal, a bit refreshed, but fine.
I'm coming for you!
The devil himself!
You fool!
You can't get me, you can't get me!
Are you ready?
Come here, I'm going to eat you alive!
- You filth!
- Thank you.
Here, excuse me...
- Where the hell were you?
- You got the money? - It's here.
The South Americans are here, not a word.
I'll do the talking.
- I don't understand.
- Let me do the talking.
Ah, OK.
Where in South America are they from?
- Colombia.
- Yes...
- Medellin.
- Like...
- Shut up!
- OK.
My friend has it.
- Pablo?
- Escobar.
Pablo Escobar?
I'm a huge fan. I've seen
all your films and the TV series.
"Narcos"... I binge watched it!
But I have to say, Bardem in the film...
Meh, not so great.
But I'd watch the series 50 times!
What the hell are you on about?
Give him the money and shut it.
- Thank you, Pablo.
- Sorry.
Can I have an autograph?
- Shut up!
- Yes.
Why is a girl like you working
in that clown Fat Rat's bar?
It was my parents' bar.
Then my father got ill
and we needed money.
If you need money,
Fat Rat's always there.
Then, of course, it became his bar.
What could we do? We had to give it up.
But I won't give up, sooner or later
I'll get back what's ours.
Enough about me, what about you?
What about me?
Not much to say.
- Let's say I come from far away.
- Come on, Rome isn't that far!
Excuse me, would you like a photo
with your daughter?
- Daughter? Excuse me, but... daughter!
- He's not my father.
- Just 1000 liras for a photo, want one?
- Want one?
You'll regret it otherwise,
it's a nice memory.
- Big smile, ready?
- Yes, but you're a bit stiff.
- Give her a hug!
- Put your arm round me, Kawasaki!
Give her a little hug!
Boys, let's go home.
Home? Why?
Business went well, let's go celebrate!
Celebrate? The final's starting soon,
but first I want a shag.
Sure, but it's early
and your wife is available any time!
My wife? No, I respect my wife
like I would a mother.
It's Teresa I want.
Too right, Gennaro, Teresa Russo's got
too big for her boots. Punish her.
- Teresa Russo? Are you related?
- To who? Tricche Tracche?
No, to Teresa,
because she's a Russo like you.
Russo? I'm a Scognamiglio.
Gennaro Scognnamiglio.
Let's go.
Where'd you find this guy?
The last time I saw him, he was 31.
What do you want from me?
This won't do.
Look.
Dzeko, Zapata, Higuaín.
How long do you need? I need a piss!
I've been waiting two hours.
It's not in here, you need to go
down the hall and to the right.
I've got prostatitis,
I'm going to piss myself.
- No, this isn't the toilet. Stop!
- I can't go with you watching me!
Put that little shrimp away,
the toilets are down here. Come on.
- How old are you?
- 70.
Like my poor grandad,
he always pissed himself.
Say hi to him from me.
Oh, it hurts!
Oh God, it hurts, help me!
The pain!
- It hurts!
- Hey.
Coming.
- Help me! Help me!
- I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor.
- Tell me everything, what hurts?
- It hurts!
Don't shake me! I'll snap!
What? I can't understand you.
Calm down, don't die! You're very old.
- You're hurting me.
- Cataracts! Cataracts!
- What cataracts? You idiot!
- Doctor, an urgent call for you.
- It hurts!
- Call an ambulance. Don't move!
- Stay here! Let's go, come on!
- Come on!
- Hello.
- Hey! Even the Beefeaters are here.
Do you see fluffy hats?
It's the Swiss Guard.
- They're onto us.
- Play it cool.
- We're just having a wander.
- Hey!
Go, I'll get them.
Excuse me, Colonel,
but where is the bathroom?
My stomach... Oh! My stomach, oh God!
What's going on?
Oh God, they've stolen the Van Gogh!
Careful or you'll flip the chair!
- What are you doing?
- Do I look like a wheelchair driver?
- This isn't F1!
- I know that.
- Stop!
- Who's that?
- Where are you going?
- Here we go.
Stop, stop!
- Take the Van Gogh! Take it!
- Hey!
Stop!
Run!
- Stop!
- Ranieri!
- Let's split up! That way!
- Here!
- Stop!
- Stop!
- Hurry up!
- Wait, Renatino, where are we going?
- How do I know?
- We had my daughter's communion here.
At the Vatican Museums?
No time to chat, run!
- Wait!
- Come on, Kala'!
Renatino, stop, please,
my heart's gonna explode!
- Then they'll get you.
- The bastards, let them catch me!
- Take this!
- What the... The Van Gogh?
If you don't want to go to prison, run!
- Look, there's no need to be rude!
- Run!
Stop! Don't move! Hands up!
I surrender!
I'm a political prisoner!
Wow, the paintings in there, huh?
Yeah...
- Shame we have to leave.
- Real shame.
In fact, let's go.
Come on, Ranieri!
- Wait.
- I can't keep going.
Tell me one thing:
Why did you leave the Van Gogh?
- It's just the frame!
- No way! Good going, boys!
What's that?
Don't open that. Excellent!
Now close it, we're in the middle of Rome.
How do you say "suck on that"
in Switzerland?
Wow, look at you.
You've learned the tricks of the trade
in under a week!
I've been in this trade
since before you could walk.
In 2018, I'd be about 70.
Respect your elders.
Here.
What's this shit? It's warm!
It's warm!
If I wanted soup, I'd have ordered it.
Useless moron.
They've got the painting.
Let's go.
First, clean that up. Out my way.
Trickster, what you doing?
I'm cleaning it up,
what does it look like?
Doesn't it piss you off,
being treated like a fool every day?
He's the boss.
Boss?
You and me could run this place
better together, don't you think?
Jesus in heaven.
Is that why the women call you Einstein?
Because you blow their minds?
You're a genius!
Must have been the drugs,
a delayed effect.
Good. Well, sniff 'em every day!
Want more?
That was six times... but yes!
As long as you come away with me tonight!
I don't want to share you anymore.
- It's too risky...
- So risk it, Amalia!
- Kiss me!
- Huh?
- Seba!
- Huh?
- Kiss me!
- Yes.
Amalia, actually, could you make me
one of those famous Neapolitan coffees?
Good boy! That's why I love you!
Cock, coke and coffee!
- The perfect combo. Go on now.
- Yes.
- Go.
- Seba!
Cock, coffee and cocaine,
then let's do it all again...
- Wait.
- Quickly!
- Quickly!
- Quiet!
What've you been doing?
You've a face like a beetroot!
Leave it out, I did it.
The trial of my life,
but I did it for Gianfranco.
Actually,
I need to talk to you about that...
- About what?
- We made a mistake.
What kind of mistake?
Turns out Van Gogh's mother is Teresa!
- Teresa Russo! The waitress.
- What does that mean?
Van Gogh is the child of a rape:
He took his mother's name. Understand?
So you're telling me that I... that she...
You shagged in vain. I'm sorry.
But now you need to get out.
And straighten yourself up, you're a mess.
- Yes.
- Run!
I'll straighten myself up.
- Aren't we sweet?
- You're the sweet one.
So are you.
Listen, Teresa, I...
There's something I've not told you.
- You're married, right?
- Married? No! Not anymore.
So what is it?
- I have to leave tonight. I have to go.
- Where?
Where...
Far away... so far, it's hard to explain.
When will you be back?
That's the problem.
OK. But you're here now, right?
Teresa...
You're so young, full of life...
What are you doing with someone like me?
Are you still thinking
about what the photo guy said?
No, what do I care about him?
It's that... I've made this mistake
too many times.
You think I'm a mistake?
The best anyone could make.
- Bye, Tere'.
- Bye, Kawasa'.
- Where are we?
- Shut it, fool.
- They're here.
- Let's go.
No, you stay here with the girl.
Trickster, you're with me.
Hey. Don't worry, I've got this.
Slow down, my feet are killing me, please.
- Moreno!
- What's going on?
- Teresa's in danger, where is she?
- At home.
- Let's go!
- Slow down! - Come on!
Here they are.
Even that one that shot you,
Trickster, remember?
Of course.
You got a gun?
No, he's good.
What do you want?
- If you want to check me...
- Shut it. Close your jacket.
It's all good, huh?
- Where's the painting?
- I want to see my daughter first.
Show him the girl.
In a rush? Come on, here she is.
Come on!
Come on!
Lorella!
Give us a little wave!
Now where's the fucking painting
or I'll kill you now!
- Here.
- I want to see it open.
Trickster, what d'ya think?
Hey, Van Gogh, this guy looks like you...
Moron, this is Van Gogh.
- Now, give us the girl so we can go.
- We have to be back for something.
Why the hurry, boys?
If you go now, you'll miss the spa.
Come on.
- You're having a great time, huh?
- Aren't you?
Don't you want to try the hot tub?
It's delightful.
Did you forget something, Kawasaki?
What's up? Weren't you expecting me?
Whore!
- Why?
- You made a fool out of me in the bar!
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean...
- Fuck your apologies!
Don't you like Casanova? Huh?
I'll show you.
Come on, boys,
don't you want to take a little dip?
- We came through on our side of the deal.
- In my day, you could trust a criminal.
You insulted me.
Now I'll make mud out of you!
- Leave me alone!
- Slut! I know you like it!
Leave me be!
Stop!
- What do you want?
- Leave her be!
And who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Do it, Giuseppe.
You have to.
- He hasn't got the balls.
- Don't I?
Shoot him!
This is for Gianfranco!
What the...
I'm hungry.
They did it.
Where's Van Gogh?
Where's Van Gogh?
What did you do? I'll kill you!
- I'll kill you!
- Hey.
- Don't do anything stupid.
- Stay there.
Mumma's Boy! Mumma's Boy!
- Hey!
- No!
Why did you do that?
He fucked Van Gogh,
sooner or later he'd have done it to me.
A traitor's always a traitor.
Don't you forget it.
Now, do you really want
to get to know me better?
Can I trust you?
If not, I'll kill you all.
Come here! Move!
Get the painting!
Here. Here it is.
We came through.
Lorella, let's go.
Lorella, come with us.
- No.
- You decided?
I'm staying with him.
Lorella, you don't understand.
Sorry, who the hell are you?
Just a second, wait.
You want to stay with this guy?
Because I'm in love, OK?
Now get away.
Go!
Let's go.
Come on.
Moreno!
Sorry to interrupt but we need to be
in Rome in an hour and a half!
- Maybe give her your...
- My what?
I'll shut up.
Bye, Teresa.
- Bye, Kawasa'.
- Come on!
Moreno, the bomb's going off.
No! No!
- It's too late, the portal's gone!
- Now how will we get back to the future?
Here we go.
Who's that?
- It's Gianfranco!
- We did it!
- You're alive!
- My friends!
- Gianfranco!
- My friends!
- You did it!
- Gianfranco!
- Where did you come from?
- Frosinone!
- There's a space-time portal there.
- Half way back to Naples?
Come on, boys, it's all going wrong!
Get in, we need to hurry!
- Come on!
- Get in!
- Hurry up!
- In this, we'd be as well going on foot!
- Hold thigh!
- Let's go!
Go, go!
Shift the gear!
Right, boys, we've done our bit.
What about you?
Come on, the password?
Don't give me crap
or I'll knock your heads off.
Calm down, boys.
They held Lorella.
- They held her?
- Yes.
- She chose to go with that Mafia dick.
- She would never.
- I know her better than that.
- You don't seem you know her that well.
- She stayed with them to save us!
- What the hell do you know?
- I raised her!
- And what a brilliant job you did!
- What did you tell him?
- What choice did I have?
Now, let's go get her back.
Just hearing the name of the place
gives me shivers! I'm not going.
Sorry, but I got myself killed by them
once already. No, thanks.
- We don't want to make a habit out of that.
- No! Like hell am I giving up!
- I killed a man for that treasure!
- If you want, you can kill again...
Giuseppe, this is suicide.
I'm not willing to die.
When you asked me to go back to '82
to save Gianfranco, I was right there!
If you help us get Lorella home,
you can keep all the money.
That's more than 50 million, you know.
My life's worth more than that.
- Why are you looking at me?
- I need to speak to you.
- Sit down.
- No, I'm fine standing.
Lorella was born
nine months after we met.
- How lovely.
- Don't you see?
Lorella was born
nine months after we met.
But that time we...
Well, it only lasted 30 seconds.
- If we're counting, it was less.
- Yeah, OK.
But... well...
you did the necessary, anyway.
You're telling me that...
- Exactly.
- I'm just going to sit down.
I did tell you.
Anyway, I usually last long.
Sebastiano,
it's not about how long you last!
The point is...
Lorella could be your daughter!
Listen, I want to go home.
Take me back to '82.
How do I do it?
It's not easy.
The Frosinone portal has closed again.
We can try the one in Isernia.
Isernia?
- Where's that?
- It's not exactly famous.
OK, well, take me there.
Why do you want to go back to '82?
Giuseppe...
I don't like this future,
and all my mates are in '82.
Then... I want to see my daughter grow up.
I could raise her better, you know?
I'm telling you, if I'd raised her, she'd
never have run off with some Mafia jerk.
Look,
I don't know how to tell you this...
What?
In 1990, your pals
all united under the Ox
and murdered you
in the street like a dog.
- Me?
- Yes.
- What are you...
- It's true.
They were pissed off that you quit
the Gang to set up an art gallery.
That was your first past.
In the second,
they put a bomb right there in the bar.
Traitors.
We were a gang.
No. You were a pack of wolves,
ready to tear each other apart.
But it was you that taught a gang
means "all for one and one for all".
Like you.
You're a proper gang.
We are.
We are a proper gang.
We are a proper gang.
I know it sounds unbelievable,
but that's what happened.
I've always believed in you, Kawasaki.
Moreno. It's Moreno.
You think that's funny?
- I see you got the bar back in the end?
- Yeah, thank to you and your friends.
You freed me
and never asked anything in return.
- We just did what we had to.
- No, you didn't.
You're special people.
You risked your lives for me
without a second thought.
I'll never forget it.
- Do you want some?
- No, thanks.
- Look.
- Yeah?
Let's take Lorella, come on.
My love, don't let them keep you
in a fish tank.
Get out into the great wide ocean! Swim!
I love you!
Thank you, "fishies"!
The next one's for the birthday boy.
To Don Gaetano!
Thank you all!
Mumma's Boy! Mumma's Boy!
Mumma's Boy! Mumma's Boy!
And in honour
of your beautiful girlfriend,
here's a nice little romantic one!
Hear that, Lorella? This song's for you!
All together, now.
Now with music!
- Like it?
- Yes.
Ready, boys?
Let's go.
Feel it?
Gaetano, one last surprise for you,
a special gift.
Your favourite song.
Ladies and gentleman, hands in the air!
Boys, what's all this?
I don't like these guys at all.
- What's this?
- They're all funny shapes.
Uncultured swine, it's vintage!
- Boys! You ready?
- Yes, boss.
- Let the show begin.
- Ready!
Come on, boys, let's make 'em dance!
Sons of bitches!
"Banzai"!
Moreno, let's go!
Oh shit, it's stuck!
- Did it hurt?
- Help!
You pile of shit!
Nice one!
Where did you learn to aim like that?
- I didn't, I'm shooting at random!
- Makes sense!
You pile of shit!
Fishy!
That's for your stupid song.
Thank you.
- Stop that bitch!
- Where are you going? Stop!
Bitch!
- What are you doing?
- Let go!
- Let go!
- Love, what are you doing?
You disgust me! Let go!
Put the guns down
or I'll put her lights out!
We're not going anywhere
without our daughter.
"Our"? How many fathers do you have?
Just one.
- But he's furious.
- You've pissed me off.
You have ten seconds before I kill her.
When a heart surgeon's operating
with no scalpel,
he may as well remove
the stomach and eat it.
- What?
- I think he's got stomach problems.
- Nine.
- Guns down!
- Eight.
- I said guns down!
- Seven.
- Don't worry, Lorella, your daddy's going to fix this.
- Six.
- Shoot him and I'll blow you apart.
- Four.
- You missed five.
- Five.
- Good boy.
Lorella, remember
when you danced as a little girl?
- Four.
- That beautiful photo in your room.
- You wore a tutu.
- Three.
Renatino, remember what Lorella was doing
in that photo? Remember?
- I remember.
- Two!
- Would you do that for us now?
- What the fuck are you on about?
- Show your daddy, Lorella.
- One!
- When?
- Now.
- Let's go!
- Come on!
Are you an idiot? Come on!
Boys, we did it!
- Yes!
- It's not over until we're home.
- You're right.
- I'm sorry, but who are you?
I am...
- I'm a friend of your dad's.
- Yes, I'm a friend of your dad's too.
I mean, we're all friends of your dad,
such a good man.
And they say two's company,
three's a crowd.
A FEW MONTHS LATER
GOLD CHESTER - WALES
Few know of this place,
it's been destroyed and rebuilt 100 times.
In the year 147 AD,
the Romans built a secret crypt.
They say it held the Holy Grail
for hundreds of years.
Now it holds our treasure.
In you come, guys.
Gianfranco, it's a wall.
- This is no wall.
- It looks like a wall to me.
- And me.
- And me.
Watch this.
- Here we go.
- Look.
Here.
No way!
- Lorella.
- Huh?
The password.
Come on, love, put your bum on it.
- Come on!
- Come on!
Like this?
- With the cheek, go on.
- Come on.
No way!
- How cool is this?
- You're all mad!
It's like "Indiana Jones
and the Temple of Doom".
- Incredible.
- Do you see this?
Boys, there's at least
50 million euros here.
- I told you!
- That's about 6 million each.
What are we gonna do with all this money?
I'm gonna buy myself an original Van Gogh,
so I don't have to nick them anymore.
Excellent.
- I'd like to travel the world.
- How nice.
I can't decide between
a jet and a helicopter.
- What d'ya think, mum?
- A jet! Helicopters ruin your hair.
Guys, enough crap.
I've had the first serious idea
of my life.
I'm going to buy A.S. Roma.
You're gonna need more than that.
A jet, a world tour, A.S. Roma...
Before long, there's nothing left.
Then what?
We'd have to go back to work.
Um, I don't think so.
A few years and you'll have nothing
but a loin cloth, like Tarzan.
- Why "you"? You pulling out?
- Pulling out?
No!
I'll take half a mil'.
Bit of pocket money, you know?
And leave the rest here.
Me too.
What? I don't get it.
Don't you see?
The real treasure lies in the gang, in us!
You're right, Moreno,
we've hit the big time.
- That's true.
- What are you suggesting?
Easy. We each leave our share
and invest it all in something bigger.
- Such as?
- Like...
- Ever heard of the Mona Lisa?
- I've got six or seven at home.
The real one, Ranieri.
Excuse me a second,
I just want to get this straight.
- You'd like to go into the Lourdes...
- Louvre!
The Louvre and steal the Mona Lisa?
Impossible!
No, listen!
- Look.
- Yes.
During the Second World War,
to avoid the Nazi's getting them,
the French sent some 5000 masterpieces,
including the Mona Lisa,
to the Chateau de Chambord.
Get it? 5000, not just one.
Gianfranco, how long do you need
to take us back to 28th August 1939?
If I start now, we can be there
in a couple of months.
So?
- So what are we waiting for?
- Let's go?
Let's take the Mona Lisa!
Just an ideal