Ringmaster (1998) - full transcript

[ Birds Chirping ]

♪♪ [ Rock ]

♪♪

[ Woman Giggling ]
Mmm, baby.

[ Man ]
Oh !

[ Giggling ]

[ Man ] Oh, baby.
Don't leave. Oh, shit !

[ Woman ]
I gotta go. No, I gotta go.
I'm gonna be late.

♪ Living in America

♪♪

[ Man ]
Baby, look what you're--
I will make it up.



[ Man ] Look what
you've done, baby.
♪ Living in America

[ Woman ]
I'm gonna be late for work.
I gotta go. Love ya.

[ Chattering Continues ]
♪ Station to station

♪ Living in America
[ Man ]
Look at it, baby.

[ Woman ]
Rusty, I don't want to look
at it. I'm gonna be late.

No !
I'm gonna be late.
♪ Living in America

[ Rusty ]
You're looking at it.
What am I gonna do now ?

[ Woman ]
Why don't you take care of it ?
I will be back.

♪ Living in America

♪ Eye to eye
Station to station ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Got to have
a celebration ♪

[ Engine Revving ]
♪ Got caught up in some
talk show sh-- ♪

♪ Now I wonder who be fightin'
the girl with the trick
She did my main man ♪



♪ Worked my home band
I had to take a stand
and beat the trick bad ♪

♪ Two sisters that were doin' it
to their two brothers ♪

♪ Now they fightin'
because they be doin'
each other ♪

♪ The girl posin' nude used to
be a dude, out Saturday night
startin' a feud ♪

♪ The man cheatin' on his wife
got caught last night ♪

♪ 'Cause the girl he was kissin'
was a transvestite ♪

♪ Got caught on TV
where it's too late to fight ♪

♪ Now the whole world knows
about the secret life ♪

♪ Fifty-year-old mom dressin'
like a hootchie ♪

♪ The young bad girls
are bad with their booties ♪

♪ Too hot for TV
Too much for the movies ♪

♪ Some ladies smacked Jerry
Said, What, sue me ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Eye to eye
Station to station ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Hand in hand
across the nation ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Got to have a celebration

"Zorzak."
♪ All right, Andy

♪ At 11:00 p.m.
the cops roll ♪

♪ In L.A.

♪ Houston
and New York City ♪

♪ I am living in America

♪ I am living
in America ♪♪
Housekeepin'.

Oh.

Sweet fucking Jesus !
What in the hell ?

I didn't hear you knock.
I was in the can.

- That is what this is for.
- You don't have to leave.

Whew.

[ Zipper Unzips ]

[ Panting, Sighing ]

[ TV ]
He-ee-re comes Sparky !

Spark !

[ Announcer ]
And they're off.

Down the backstretch--
Come on, number four !

That's four, two, three,
six, five and eight next.

All right, pass 'em !
Number seven
in the lead.

[ Ringing ]
Hello.

They're lookin' for
forklift operators
over there in Durbin.

Just bring it home.
I'll look at it.
I'm watchin' TV.

Hello ?
Come on, Spark !

Rusty ?
[ Dial Tone ]

[ Man ]
Hey, can I get something
to eat over here ?

Go. Yes.
[ TV Announcer ]
Three to the outside.

- Kansas Song moving up
on the inside.
- No !

- [ Man ] You always work
the top floor, right ?
- Yeah. How'd you know ?

My buddy told me
to get a room on this floor...

if I wanted to get
a "good morning" blow job.

- Who's your buddy ?
- Like you'd remember.

[ Man Chuckles ]

Asshole.

[ Man ]
Hey, Angel.

You gonna
let me in ?

[ TV Blaring ]

[ Door Slams Shut ]

I was thinking.
Maybe we should
go on and do it.

You're serious.
You're in the mood ?

No, not that !

Why don't we
just get married ?
Want to ?

Maybe.
All right.

[ Woman On TV ]
I wonder what
it would be like.

Circled three of these.

[ TV ]
What is there to miss ?
Hear what I'm saying ?

When it gets so bad,
what is there really
to miss ?

[ TV Continues
Indistinct ]

You at Willie's ?

Yeah.

- Brought home some chicken,
if you want any.
- All right.

[ TV Continues ]

So, you movin' in with Willie
or are you gonna find
your own place ?

I don't know !

God ! I just got off a
ten-hour workday. I don't feel
like talking about that now.

[ TV Continues
Indistinct ]

[ Toilet Flushes ]

[ TV Continues
Indistinct ]

Turn that off !
I'm in no mood.

[ Raises Volume
On TV ]

[ TV Blaring ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Chanting ]
Jerry ! Jerry !

All right.
Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you
very much, everybody.

When I see Laverne
on that stage,
I'm gonna whip her ass.

Then I'm gonna tell the world
that your dick
is the size of a needle.

Do you hear me talkin' to ya ?
Do you hear me talkin' to ya ?

Thank you very much.
You are very nice.

Welcome to the show.
We have a wild one
for you today.

"I Got To Tell You,
I Am Pregnant with
Your Husband's Baby."

[ Audience ]
Oooh !

Let's meet Juanita
and her husband John.
Come on out.

[ Applause ]

I been wantin' to whip your ass
for a long time.

[ Audience Cheering ]

[ Juanita Yelling
Profanities ]

Let me tell you somethin'.
This is the size
of his dick, baby.

I'm not talkin' about my nail.
I'm talkin' about
the pinky part.

It feels like he's pokin' me
with a coffee stirrer.
Yeah, tiny dick boy !

That's what you are !
Needle-dick man !

- [ Chanting ]
Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !
- Bring it home !

I'll whip your ass.

[ Cheering ]

[ Jaunita ]
Come on ! Come on !

Although it's important for
a woman to have her sexual needs
met during a marriage,

calling your husband
needle-dick for 13 years...

probably isn't a good way
to express your frustration.

[ Announcer ] Are you having
an affair with your stepdaddy
or know someone who is ?

If so, please call...

1-800-555-3870.

That's 1-800-555-3870.

I'm gonna go to bed.
Good night, honey.

You gonna be lookin'
for an apartment tomorrow ?

This trailer
ain't big enough
for the three of us.

No, wait till
she goes to sleep.

She won't come out.

[ Indistinct Whispering ]
You did what
with my husband ?

You did
what
with my husband ?

What did you do with my--
[ Rusty Whispering ]
She's not gonna come out.

You did
what
with my husband...

in my own home ?

In my own home ?
In my own
home ?

I can't believe
I'm finding this out
on national TV.

I can't believe
I'm finding this out
on national TV.

I can't believe it.
I cannot believe...

I'm finding this out
on national TV.

You promised.
I didn't promise you--
Shit.

You think--
[ Giggling ]

No, wait till she--
Wait ! Get--

Howdy do, Jerry ?
I'm Connie.

It's a pleasure
to make your acquaintance.

[ Girl Giggling ]
Jerry,
how do you do ?

I'm Connie. It's a pleasure
to make your acquaintance.
You're such a good-lookin' man.

Baby, I need it.

You don't need--
[ Giggling ]

Oh, baby.
"Oh, baby" what ?

[ Whispering,
Angel Giggling ]

You're holdin' up
just fine.

[ Giggling Continues ]
Yes, you are.

Just fine.

♪♪ [ Rock ]
More ! More !

Pump that shit,
baby !
Yeah, baby. Ooh !

All right.
Starletta.

[ Woman On Phone ]
You are calling in regards...

to "My Traitor Girlfriends,"
right ?

Okay.
So how do you know...

that your friend
is having sex with, uh, Demond ?

'Cause I'm standin'
in his living room while
he's gettin' sorry traitor ass.

Who you callin'
sorry traitor ass ?

I ain't even talking
to you, scurvy bitch !
It's the people from Jerry.

Damn ! What you doin'
here, Starletta ?
How'd you get my key ?

Uh-uh, Demond !
I'm the one to be askin' you
all the questions.

Who you callin'
a ho ?

Put your hands on me, bitch.
I guarantee you 9-1-1 won't get
here fast enough for your ass.

- Don't believe that shit.
- Don't be talkin' to her.

How you gonna let a piece
of gristle, a piece of meat,
come between us ?

When you was walkin' down
the street with a trail of blood
behind your ass,

I bought
your Kotex.

When your cheap-ass
Payless shoes broke--
Remember that ?

I took you to a reputable store
so you would have something nice
to wear on your feet.

But you don't remember that,
do you ?

So you went all natural
with your hair.

When your hair fell out
from that bad perm,
I'm the one who bought the wig.

Vonda, I knew
you was a snake,

but I never thought
you'd slip up
in my man's house.

This is my shit !

You that desperate
you gotta fuck every man
you see that ain't yours ?

Get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out !

I'm gonna let you live
this time.

Do this shit again,
they won't be able
to find your ass.

Ho.

Y'all know where
to reach me.

Right. Starletta,
I'll let you know
by the end of this week.

Thanks a lot.
Bye-bye.

Oh, God. Yes !

Dog.

Damn.

[ Jerry ] I'm still confused.
Lucille was a trans-gendered
preop hermaphrodite.

[ Man #2 ]
There was a time when
it would have confused you too.

[ Jerry ]
Those times are long gone.

It's good to get out of
the office and catch up.

[ Excited Chatter ]
No way !

It's Jerry Farrelly.
[ Waitress ]
Jerry !

Ooh, I waited for you.

Remember I told you about
my daughter, but I didn't
have my wallet ?

Yeah, yeah.
Ooh !

Wow !
She's got your teeth.

Is she attractive.
[ Man ] Hey, Jerry !

Jerry !
Hi.
How are you ?

How you doin' ?
Nice to meet you.

Nothing personal,
but your show sucks.

Nothing personal,
but your manners suck.

- I was not speaking
to you, Berenice.
- Lousy tipper !

Lousy tipper.
Sit over here
in the seat of honor.

Thanks.
Thanks very much.
You're welcome.

Mel--
We got Magic Burgers.

I'll buy you a burger
if you do it.

[ Jerry ]
Mel, you were saying something ?

It's not a big deal,
but what I want to do--

Jerry, look over here.
I can't believe
you just did that !

I'm sorry.
Yeah. Right.

I'd like to see this show
go in a direction--

How you doin', Jerry ?
Why, Fiona.

[ Crying ]
I need your opinion.
I booked a gig in Vegas...

except it's a year contract,
and my boyfriend
doesn't want me to go.

Excuse me, Fiona.
Jerry, I got a lot to say.

He thinks if I leave,
I'll meet somebody else.

Which is a possibility.
They want to send me to one
of those leper colonies.

Just a skin disease,
but what are you gonna do ?

Your glasses are dirty.
I love him,

but this is such
a great opportunity for me.

The choreographer's amazing,
and the money's really good.

I'm so confused.
I don't know what to do.

Mel, what were you
trying to say ?

Nah, nah. You think
I'm gonna tell you now ?

Forget it, Jerry.
Let's go.

[ Cheering ]

Clyde's not as uptight
as you are, Henry.
He lets me do what I want.

- [ Audience ] Oooh !
- He lets me have
a girlfriend too.

[ Audience ]
Oooh !

Shaneequa, come on out.

[ Cheering ]

In terms of my political future,
how do you think we did ?

I'd say
you lost Delaware.

[ Man ] Jerry,
huge fan of the show !
Thank you.

Are you ever going to do a show
on people who have crushes
on farm animals ?

Why don't you call
one of our producers ?
We have that 1-800 number.

Her name's Begonia,
and I tell you,
she's one hell of a goat.

[ Bleating ]

She's got
a hairless underside.

She's very pretty.

Jerry, could we get married
on the show ?

Jerry ! Jerry !
Jerry ! Jerry !
Whoo, whoo, whoo !

Jerry !

You gonna call
about those jobs today ?

Rusty, honey,

I'm gonna go
to the casino with Verna
tonight after work,

so I probably
won't be home till late,
like real late.

- Okay ?
- Yeah.

Baby.
Hear what she said ?

Mm-hmm. So we gonna do it
on the big bed tonight ?

Mm-hmm, yeah.
Mmm.

[ Giggling ]
Ah, baby.

Do that other thing.
What other thing ?

The thing
your mama won't do.

Damn.

Shit !

[ Sighs ]
Fuck it.

I need to cash
my paycheck. I.D.

I can't cash this.

The name on the check
doesn't match the name
on the driver's license.

Next please.
Excuse me.
Uh-uh.

It's our policy.
Next in line, please.
Back up, bitch !

I ain't done here yet.
Now, you listen to me.

It's some fucking computer error
the motel has not corrected
the 400 times I have asked them.

I have a 20-minute lunch break,
so fuck your policy.
Cash my paycheck.

I already told you,
I can't and won't cash
your paycheck.

You're gonna cash my paycheck,
or I'll kick your fat ass
to Jacksonville.

You understand me,
you goddamn bank freak ?

Ma'am.

Get your shit--
Get off of me,
you fuckin' rent-a-cop !

You wanna-be piece of shit !
Get off of me !

Fuck you !

Get off of me !
Kiss my fuckin' ass !

Fuckin' pigs.
Get off of me.

I'm gonna file
a lawsuit.

[ Siren Wailing ]

Uh, a woman named
Laqueeta Fontaine claims
you're the father of her child.

She's suing you
for 20 million.
Only 20 million ?

Let your attorney
handle it ?
Yeah.

[ Mel ] Got it.
You're married
to a fatty ?

[ Woman ] Damn Skippy.
And your sex life
is fantastic ?

I ain't never goin' back
to skinny.

Have fatties
always turned you on ?
I got the thing for Santa Claus.

Are you a fatty too ?
X-L, baby.

Okay, Letitia.
Thank you for calling.

Seven guests from the show
we did last April
claim to have...

"post-traumatic
anxiety disorder"
from being on your show.

They're going to sue
for 20 million too ?
No,
but they want to come back...

and talk about it
on your show.
I see.

With their therapist,
who's calling the disorder
"Jerry syndrome."

I'm a disorder ?
I made the big time.

[ Mel ]
Congratulations !

Looks like we've been fishing
in the shallow end
of the gene pool for too long.

[ Phone Ringing ]

$500 bail for what ?

Trying to make a livin',
and cash my paycheck.

Don't worry about it.

I took the money out of
your mother's savings account.

She won't see it
until she gets her statement.

Besides, I'm home
when the mail comes.

I'll get rid of it
before she sees it.

You always take
such good care of me.

Let's go home.
Want to ?

Yes.
Okay.

[ Rusty ]
Baby, it's you and me,
and we got the big bed.

[ Rusty ]
Oh, baby.
Oh, baby. Oh !

[ Giggling ]

[ Giggling ]

[ Moaning,
Chattering ]

[ Moaning,
Giggling ]

I knew it !
Get your ass over here,
you little whore.

What ? If I'm a little whore,
I wonder what big whore
I learned it from.

How long
you been doin' her ?

- Since we've known each other.
- You son of a bitch !

Don't you hit him.
Don't you hit him !

I'm more of a woman to him
than you ever were. Oh.

Where're you goin' ?
Teach you a lesson.

♪ Welcome, man

♪ Welcome, yeah
♪ Until I'm through

What--

Damn it.

Where's she goin' ?

I don't know.

Is everything okay,
Mrs. Zorzak ?
Call me Connie.

Yes, everything's fine.
Drop the barbell.

Honey, have you been feelin'
a little tense ?
[ Zipper Unzips ]

What are you doin',
Mrs. Zorzak ?
Teaching Angel a lesson.

I told you,
call me Connie.

Whoa.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

I didn't say
you could wear my jacket.

I didn't say
you could fuck my husband.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Oh, I got a little bit
of Willie on it.

I think I got it all out.

You know how much
that boy can shoot.

Oh, I almost forgot.
I borrowed this from you too.

You might want to rinse it out
before you use it again.

I didn't get a chance to.

Mmm, I am tired.
Lordy, he wore me out.

See y'all
in the mornin'.

[ Door Shuts ]

[ TV Indistinct ]

When you found out your daughter
was sleeping with your husband,

you had sex
with her boyfriend ?

Mm-hmm.
Teach her a lesson.

You'll fly us to Los Angeles
and put us up in a hotel...

for free, you won't
charge us for nothin' ?

No, ma'am. We don't
charge you for nothin'.

I look forward
to hearing from you.

- You sound kinda cute. Am I--
- Thanks for calling.

- Okay, bye.
- Bye-bye, now. Whoo !

[ Troy ]
I still don't get it.

Why would anyone
air their dirty laundry
for the whole world to see...

for a free ticket
to L.A. ?
[ Ringing ]

[ Woman Moaning ]
Oh, Jerry.

Ahh. Ahh.

Oh, Jerry.
Oh, Jerry.

Jerry ! Jerry !
Jerry ! Jerry !

[ Moaning ]

[ Sighs ]

That might be
my favorite episode ever.
[ Laughing ]

Why can't you be
more like Oprah ?

You'd rather sleep
with Oprah ?

I've got a face
for radio.

Does it ever bother you,

the hostile things
they say about you and
the people on your show ?

Not anymore. Nah.

Really ?
Yeah.

I don't believe you.

Angel, get your ass
out of bed.

It's late.

[ Ringing ]

[ Connie ] Hello ?
[ Woman ] Connie ?
Connie, hi.

This is Natalie
from the show.

How ya doin' ?
Yeah, it's really me.

- We had a chance
to review your file.
- Mom, are you okay ?

It would please us
very much...
Who is it ?

if you, Angel,
Rusty and Willie...

would be guests on our show
in Los Angeles the 23rd
and 24th of this month.

We're gonna be
on national TV !

We'll send you four
round-trip plane tickets
and a release form.

Would you sign that form
and return it
with the information ?

[ Connie ]
Yes, I will.

Thank you
very, very much.

Oh, my God !
[ Laughing ]

We're gonna do
the show !
Yeah !

Who was that ?
Jerry wants us
on his show.

Why does he
want us ?
I'll explain
all that later.

I've gotta go.
Angel, you better
jump in that shower...

if you want to make it
to work on time.
Okay.

They get thousands of calls,
and they chose us.

Why'd they choose us ?
That ain't important.

What's important
is that they chose us.
All right.

I'm gonna pick up chicken
on my way home from work.
All right ?

All right. Bye, Mama.

I ain't going
on no TV.
Yes, you are.

- No, I ain't.
- Oh, yes, you are.

If you don't, I'm gonna
tell Mama you took $500
out of her savings account.

I took that money out
to bail you out of jail.

Don't matter.
You took it out.

Looks like
you're goin'.

You being serious ?
Jerry wants us to be
on his show for real ?

Do I look like
I'm lying ?

What you want to bring all that
up for ? Me and Demond ain't
been together in over a year.

I know that.
Girl, he's doing
Vonda Simmons, okay ?

Old nasty hog !
He a dog !

Tell me something
I don't know.

So what's up ?

You ain't gonna be throwin'
no chairs at me ?

Come on.
Me and you friends.

All that nonsense,
all that stuff's behind us.

For real.
Okay.

I'm gonna ask off.
And we ain't gonna be ghetto.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
We're gonna be
real classy.

I think I'll wear
my blonde hair too,
'cause we goin' to L.A. !

To L.A. !

Cool.

Mrs. Zorzak.

I really don't think
that you and I should--

What would you say if
I handed you a round-trip ticket
to Los Angeles...

with free hotel accommodations
and a speakin' part
on a national TV show ?

I'd say you're crazy.

Then I guess I'm crazy.
[ Laughing ]

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh ♪

♪ Chillin' on the plane
We're flying in the air ♪

♪ I don't even know
when I thought I was scared ♪

♪ But I'm not, uh
I'm feelin' real fine ♪

♪ The motherfuckers
they all askin' why ♪

♪ Where we goin'
How we gonna get there ♪

♪ We in the air
Why'd you go and stare ♪

♪ Turn around in your seat
No kickin'-- ♪♪
One, two, three.

I'm sure he could afford
a professional makeup artist.

You think ?
Oh, sure.

If they have the money
for the hotel rooms
and the plane tickets,

they can afford themselves
a professional makeup artist.

You're right.

Move your knees
out of the way !

If your ass wasn't so big,
you wouldn't need
all that fuckin' seat room.

Bitch need to be on a diet.
I thought we weren't
gonna be ghetto.

You know TV gonna put
ten pounds on your ass.
Fuck you, motherfucker.

That gonna be around the corner
before you get there.
Demond liked my ass.

He was screamin',
he was moanin'. Ooh.
Vonda, stop that.

[ Starletta ] Shut up !
[ Demond ] Like you
ain't got no damn sense.

[ Vonda ] The minute you
leave Detroit, you don't know
how to act. No home training.

You ain't got
no home training.

Hi. I'm Connie.
I'm on "I Slept
with My Stepdaddy."

I'm Charlie. "Man by Day,
Woman by Night."
Pleased to meet you.

[ Connie ]
That must be fascinating
being a man sometimes,

being a woman
at other times.

It must be all-consuming,
sort of.

You know what I mean ?

[ Record Scratching ]

Hey, Linda Blair,
spin your head around
one more time...

and I'm gonna give you
exorcism.

Understand ?

[ Woman ]
Jerry !

[ Cheering, Applauding ]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.
I really appreciate
you coming.

I tell you what.
Let's keep up that good energy,

and we'll have
a great show, okay ?

[ Cheering ]

Congratulations.
You're all guests
on Jerry !

Are you excited ?
Let's hear it !

I'm gettin' some water.

Everybody sit down,
please.

[ Clears Throat ]

- I wanted you to know
I'm a big fan of yours.
- Thank you very much.

Would you sign
my autograph book ?
Sure.

Love to.

Do you mind
if I call you Jerry ?
No. That's fine.

Okay.

Uh, you datin' anybody ?

That's it. Good.
Excellent.

Since this is national
television, it's important
you listen to us...

and follow instructions
closely.

Number one rule:
There will be no weapons
whatsoever.

Why they got
to look at us ?

This is very,
very important.

I gotta get
a drink of water.

Where's she goin' ?

There you go.

Could you put my last name
on there so people know
you meant it to be for me ?

Okay.

What the hell
is she sayin' to him ?

- Actually, it's spelled
with two Z's.
- Angel !

I hope you're
not bothering Jerry.
He's a very busy man.

You're even more handsome
in person.

Thank you very much.
Here you go, Angel.

Thank you.

Could you sign
my T-shirt ?

Sure. Want me
to sign the back ?

No. There's a decal there.
You better sign up front.

Make it out to Connie.
C-O-N-N-I-E.

[ Jerry ]
It's not the spelling
I'm having a problem with.

Hey.

"C."

Good thing your name's
not Constantine.

[ Giggling ]

Thank you so much.

Thank you.
I'm sorry.
Sure.
No, that's--

Rifles, handguns,
knives.

Which does include
pocketknives and silverware
from the snack bar.

They gettin'
on my nerves.
Brass knuckles,

razor blades,
glass bottles.

Am I forgetting anything, Troy ?
Four-inch
acrylic fingernails.

Ah, thank you.

Connie, we're having
an orientation here.

It is important that you hear
what's going on.

I know.
I'm sorry.

[ Natalie ]
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Going back to Javier's question.

Can you be arrested for a crime
that you commit
on the
Jerry Show ?

The answer is "yes."

Just because it's happening
on television doesn't mean
it's not happening in real life.

Right ?
I gotta use
the bathroom.

I don't know what to do
about that woman.

He signed
my T-shirt.

-Would you go away ?
-What you doin' with my daughter
you ain't doin' with me ?

You her mother ?

People always say that.
Angel,

remember that cashier at Kroger
who swore you were the mother
and I was the daughter ?

I like to think of us
as the Judds without the talent.
All right, Mama.

Would you go back ?
Go the hell on ! Go !

Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry.

Hold up !
You see Demond out there ?
I don't know who he is.

Don't even play dumb.
I'm talkin' 'bout the brother
you was lookin' at all day.

Okay, everybody.
Take five.

I'm takin'
more than that.

Jerry, this is
Catherine Winicott,
channel 16 news.

How do you do ?
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

I'd like to talk
about your political past,

and I'd like
to get your thoughts
on this current phenomenon.

Great.

How does it feel to be one
of the most controversial people
in America ?

[ Starletta ]
Demond ? Where are you
and that bitch ?

- Cut. Let's do it again.
- Rolling.

How does it feel being one
of the most controversial--

[ Starletta Yelling ]

Cut.

Demond !
Demond, you in here ?

[ Starletta ]
Demond, where are you
and that skank ho ?

Demond ! Demond !

Let's finish where
we left off tonight.
Mm-hmm.

What's your
room number ?
227.

All right.

[ Starletta ] She looks
the same in her face as she do
in the crack of her ass.

Skank bitch !

Get the fuck out of the way,
you fat-ass motherfucker !
Hey, baby.

I was lookin' for you.
You been lookin'
for me ?

That's real funny, Demond.
How the fuck you been lookin'
for me...

when I been paradin'
up and down this hallway
callin' your name ?

Who the fuck are you calling
a skank bitch ?
Hold up.

What was you doin'
with her ?

Come on, baby,
just chill.

There's only one skank bitch
in this hallway, and I'm looking
right the fuck at her.

Oh, shit.
Fuck you.

[ Starletta ]
This your white man's trophy ?
That's what you want ?

This ain't no trophy.
It's a joke.

You gonna step outside the race,
at least let the bitch
be decent-lookin'.

Get the skankiest bitch you
can find. A broke, cracked-out
Madonna lookin' bitch.

[ Indistinct Arguing ]

[ Connie ]
It's not your fault
she can't please her man.

Don't be wastin' your time
with that trash.
You need to be kickin' his ass.

Don't have him come here
and embarrass you, girl.

We got a "I Slept with
My Stepdaddy" fighting with
"My Traitor Girlfriends."

I'll be right back.
Take care of yourself.

[ Arguing ]

Break it up.
Stop that. That's enough.

That is totally unacceptable.
All right ?

Just calm down.

Save it for the show, okay ?
Unacceptable.

[ Natalie ] Exactly what we
need. That's great, but let's
get back to the conference room.

Come on, guys, let's go.
I'll get your ass, bitch.
You gonna get it.

[ Natalie ]
I need you back in here.

Messin' up your hair
and all that. I ain't
tryin' to mess up my hair.

I'm gonna meet Jerry, and don't
wanna be lookin' all crazy.
Bitch.

So don't expect me
to be fightin' for you, girl.
Hmm.

Okay, guys.
Oh, and enough
of you.

Are those people okay ?

No, they're not okay.
They're guests on my show.

Gimme one of those.

You really
gonna marry Angel ?

I suppose.

You in love
with her ?
Sure.

Good luck.

You're gonna need it.
She's as crazy as her mother.
Probably even crazier.

- You want some advice
on how to keep her happy ?
- Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Angel likes that
a whole lot.

- But you probably
already know that by now.
- She likes ice cream cones ?

Ice cream cones ?

[ Giggles ]
Hey, Jerry.

Hey, Jerry.
Girl, get out.

Jerry and me are havin'
our own conversation.

I done Demond even though
I knew he was with
my good friend Starletta.

That don't make me bad.
Do it ?
Maybe just a--

Jerry, I got a tattoo
about my first love.

You wanna see it ?

Girl, get your wriggly
fat-jack ass
out of Jerry's face !

It look good, don't it ?
I'm not bad, am I ?
Not even a little ?

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]
There's my floor.

I'll see you guys
at the taping, okay ? Okay.

Bye, Jerry.
Bye.

What is your problem,
pulling down your drawers
in front of Jerry ?

He said he wanted to see
my true love.
Can't you show him a picture ?

Because it's all about
the whole thing.
You always showin' you ass.

Can't you keep
your clothes on ?
Always callin' me a slut.

Who's the slut ?
I ain't no slut.
I just showed my tattoo.

At least I keep my stuff
in the house.
It's in the house !

Not all in the elevator
and shit.
It look good.

My ass ! Look ass !
This ass !

Yeah, yeah.
Do it again.
Let's go out.

I can't watch your show.
I have to turn the channel
after a few seconds.

Why ?
I find it bleak
and depressing.

I'm sorry,
that's just how I feel.

Don't you find it
bleak and depressing ?
Sure I do.

You don't think
I'm some horrible elitist ?
I don't find you horrible.

Catherine, just about
every guest I've dealt with...

has been decent and kind
and poor.

I think you find poverty
bleak and depressing,

and our show reminds you
that it exists.

Thanks for coming by.
We appreciate it.

[ Explosion On TV ]

It ain't right.

It just ain't--
I ain't doin' it.

It don't matter.
They're gonna make you do it.

The hell they will.

Please don't go.

It ain't right goin' on TV
tellin' the whole world...

about parts of our lives
that people ain't got
no business knowin'.

You should have thought
about that before comin' here.

- You're doin' the show.
- No, I ain't.

- Don't do this to me, Rusty.
- I ain't doing nothin' to you !

You fuck my little girl
in my own home, and then
you pull a stunt like this ?

I got news for you. You walk
out of that show, you're
walking out of this marriage.

And our relationship.

You are two peas
in one fucked-up pod.
Yeah.

- Yep !
- Get the hell out of our lives.

Jerry don't want you
on his show anyway.

He don't want no fucked-up
redneck inbreds.

I'd kick you out myself
if it wouldn't mess up
my pedicure.

I ain't doin' it.
You're not ?

Hell no. I ain't gonna make
an ass out of myself on TV.
No way.

I'm going to the airport,
changing my ticket.
You coming ?

- Come here, Willie.
- Angel, I--

- Get your ass over here now.
- Don't you say nothin'
to Willie.

He's a man of his word.
Ain't that right ?
He ain't a pecker like you,

and back out
at the last minute.

You comin' or not ?
You don't want to do something
so hurtful.

Do you ? After all
I've done for you ?

No, ma'am.
You better go alone.

You sure ?
Yes, he's sure !
Get the hell out of our faces !

Good luck, on the show
and the marriage.

You poor motherfucker.

[ Door Slams Shut ]

[ Mel ] Got your six-shooter ?
Yeah. A silver bullet
with your name on it.

What am I doin' ?

This is crazy.
Your fans love it, and
it's good P.R. for the show.

I don't want to hear
another word.
But I can't even sing.

You can't really host
a talk show either,
but that never stopped you.

♪♪ [ Country ]

♪♪

I look absolutely
ridiculous.

No, you don't.
Not at all.

You look like a genuine
Brooklyn shitkicker.

Yeah. Yeah.

♪♪

- I'm Troy.
- I'm Claire.

Have we met before ?
That's clever.

- I'm serious.
You look familiar.
- I don't think so.

- I work on a TV show.
- Which one ?

- Uh, well, it's
the number one show.
- You work on
E.R. ?

Can I get you
another drink ?

Did he fuck with you first ?
'Cause we could sue him.

No, I fucked
with him first.

But you were
a minor.
Don't matter.

I was after him for a month
to suck him off
before he'd let me.

Besides, what are you
gonna sue him for ?
He don't got shit.

[ Knock At Door ]
That's him.
I knew he'd be back.

I'm gonna go
to the Hollywood sign.
Wanna go ?

No.

Mama ?Mm-hmm.

Rusty took $500
out of your savings account.

Nah-uh !
He did.

That motherfucking
cocksucking son of a bitch.

He took it out
to bail me out of jail.

He took it out for you ?

Goddamn. What'd you get
arrested for ?

Some bullshit reason.
I got fired 'cause of it.

Well, as long as he
took it out for you.

This is our special time.

Let's not worry about that now.
We'll find you another job
when we get home.

[ Knock At Door ]
Now, that's Rusty.

Well, hello.

Hi. I'm here
to see Angel.

Why you wanna see a girl
when you can see a woman ?

Hey, Demond.
Hey. You weren't
in your room,

so I figured
you might be here.

You wanna take a walk ?

Yeah.

Bye, Mama.

Bye.

Would you come with me
to get my jacket ?

♪♪ [ Rap ]

♪♪

Open up this door,
Vonda.

[ Knock At Door ]
Open up.

Open up this door !

Demond, if your ass
is in there,
I'm kickin' it !

Move.

Why are you trippin' ?
He ain't in here.

He with that white heifer,
ain't he ?

Y'all ain't got shit to say now.
Fuck y'all.

Demond. Demond.
Demond. Demond.

[ Continues Indistinct ]

Demond ? Motherfucker,
I'm lookin' for you.

Hey, I'm lookin'
for this flat-ass, Daisy wearing
blonde hair lookin' bitch.

I know you've seen her,
'cause she been flossing
through the hall all day.

She 'bout 19.

Hello ? All I need
is the damn room number.

Do you speak English ?

Hello !

Did you know that
the Hollywood sign
isn't lit up at night ?

Give me a shot
of tequila.

Hey, things change,
don't they ?

Maybe for some.

Have yourself
a good night. Yeah.

Natalie, you can tell me.
Do I look like a fool ?

No, absolutely not.

You look
very sparkly.

I feel like Garth Brooks'
Jewish cousin.
[ Speaks Yiddish ]

Five minutes.
Get out of here.
Hey, thanks.

Ready, Jer ?
Why do I let you
talk me into this stuff ?

You look great.
They're gonna love you.

Come on, cowboy.
Saddle up.

Ladies and gentlemen,
appearing tonight live--

I feel more like Mel Brooks
than Garth Brooks.

Come on, Jerry.
It's for charity.
Yeah, you're right.

Even Mel sings better
than I do.
You're up, kid.

- Jerry !
- [ Cheering ]

[ Jerry ]
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

♪ You say things
aren't going well ♪

♪ You're halfway to hell
You lost everything
that counts ♪

♪ Gone is your spouse
and maybe the house ♪

♪ All you haven't lost
are pounds ♪

[ Laughing ]

To love, honor and obey.
My ass.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, fuck.
I'm fuckin' up my makeup.

A bloomin' rose
in a bed of sand
is what you are.

You're as pretty
as a peach.

Yes, you are.

Pretty as a peach.

Pretty as a piece.

[ Chuckles ]
Peach.

♪ Oh, that big
baldheaded woman ♪

♪ With a tattoo
on her face ♪

♪ Who swears she was abducted
by a man from outer space ♪

♪ But then there's Oprah
Phil and Sally ♪

♪ And Jerry Springer too

♪ A little dose
of talk-show hosts
won't seem quite as blue ♪

♪ 'Cause if that's the world
or part of it ♪

♪ Where madams
are sometimes sirs ♪

♪ You'll quit complaining
Things could be worse ♪

♪ Those calamities
could be yours ♪♪

[ Cheering ]

Thank you very much.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Ooh.
You see ?
That wasn't so bad.

Everything was all right ?
I loved it.
I heard every word.

Jerry, can I have
your autograph for my baby ?

Sure.
Love to.

- You want me to sign
your stomach ?
- Yeah.

[ Mel ]
Don't press too hard.
Thanks.

We watch your show every night.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.

Did you feel that ?
He just kicked !

I seem to have
that effect on people.

Honey, don't let it
get to you.

- He a dog.
- That's why we here
in the first place.

Come on. Get your ass
out of bed and
come dancin' with us.

What part of "no"
don't you understand ?

I ain't in the mood.

I just wanna
wash my hair.

Get in the mood.
Jerry flew us out here
to have fun,

not to be boo-hooin'
in no hotel room all night.

Come on, girl.
Get your flow on.

We will whoop his ass
on the show
real good, honey.

Show the whole world
what a dirty dog he is.

Come on, Star
Come on, Star.
Come on, Star.

For real ?

Shine !
Come on, girl.
Get movin', girl.

We ain't got all night.
This thing's gonna blow up.
All right.

I'm only gonna stay out
a little 'cause I'm gonna
get to bed early. Okay.

One drink.

Hey, there. Hi.
Buy you a drink ?

Thank you !
Jack Daniel's, rocks.

Jack Daniel's on the rocks
for the lady.

So... what brings you
to L.A. ?

- They flew me out here
to be on a TV show.
- Really ? You're an actress.

Mmm-hmm.
The special guest star.
The whole episode's about me.

That's very impressive.

So you'll call me ?

Yeah.
I'll call you.

[ Women's Voices ]
♪ Is it her
that you wanna be with ♪

♪ Is it her
that you're making
some talk show shhh ♪

♪ I made the bed this mornin'

♪ Come home later and
there's new sheets on there ♪

♪ You're gonna lose the one
you're with ♪

♪ You're coming in
some talk show shhh ♪

Can I get some whiskey ?
Your cheapest whiskey ?

♪ You've got
our business sold up
in the streets, cheatin' ♪

♪ He say, she say

♪ Everyone knows
It's like we're on TV ♪♪

There's a lot of shows
shot in L.A.
What's the name of it ?

I told you,
I can't remember the name.
What do you mean ?

Excuse me.
There's somebody out there
I'd really like to say hello to.

Thank you very much
for the drink.

[ Laughing ]
Hey !

Tall, dark
and handsome !

Oh, I just love a big man
with muscles.

Yeah. I gotta get goin'.
Starletta's up there
waiting for me.

Hey, you ever fuck a girl
and her mama
on the same night ?

Mmm.

If you thought
she was a good fuck,
you ain't seen nothing yet.

You've had a whole lot
to drink tonight.
Maybe you better sleep it off.

You know ?

'Cause you got
a big day tomorrow, right ?

Good night.

Demond, wait.

Just lay next to me,

and hold me.

Maybe tell me
I'm pretty ?

We ain't gotta have sex.

Come here.

[ Man ]
♪ Oh, ah-ha

♪ Yeah

You really think
you can get me a signed
head shot of George ?

Ah, yeah.
I'll see what I can do.

♪ Yeah, ah-ha

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh-oh

♪ It's just the feel thing

♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm

♪ Just the way
I feel for ya ♪

♪ I won't find another
feel thing ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm

♪ Just the way
I feel for ya ♪

Come here, pretty lady.

Give me a hug.

♪ Yeah, yeah
Uh-huh ♪

Of course I want you to go,
if that's what's worrying you.
Please don't think--

[ Man On TV Indistinct ]

I knew you'd want me
to take the job, sure.

Judy, let's get married
right away, tonight.

I'll be able to send for you
in three months.
I'll call you then.

[ Knocking ]

Why the rush
to get married now ?

Can I come in ?

You've been drinkin' !
Um, yeah.

You don't drink !
Well, I did tonight.

[ Laughing ]

♪ Hey, mmm-mmm-mmm

♪ Just the way
I feel for ya ♪

♪ I won't find another

[ Laughing ]
Girl, they be dancing
with each other.

I don't like that.
I don't want a woman dancin'
with me.

Mmm.

I'm gonna sleep
so good tonight.

We shouldn't have
stayed out that late.

We shouldn't have stayed
out late, and shouldn't have
gone out with them boys.

That's what
we should've done !

♪ It's just the feel thing

♪ Oh-oh
I'm nobody ♪♪

Mmm-hmm ?
What ? Her ?

She ain't nothing
but a friend.

All we did was hang out,
did a little dancin',
and that's about it.

There wasn't nothing more
than that, all right ?

Ain't no reason for you
to tell Starletta,
all right ?

[ Elevator Bell Rings ]
Mmm-mmm.

All right ?

Please ?

[ Laughing ]
Uh-uh, y'all, wait.

'Cause I cannot wait to hear
Demond's little excuse.
Y'all know he stayed out.

I can't wait to hear either.

All right.
These look real ?

Dolly Parton
better watch out !

Make 'em bigger.
Uh-uh,
I be like Janet.

[ Giggling ]

- Shut up.
- Get some toilet tissue.

Get me that tissue
out of the bathroom.
I'm gonna fix it.

Think I should put
some tissue in mine too ?
You need somethin'.

[ Laughing ]

It was a beautiful night
so I decided to take a walk.
Mm-hmm.

I saw this sign that said
"All night Bible study"--
[ Laughing ]

So I decided to go.
Mm-hmm.

Baby, I ain't
making this up.

[ Laughing ]
"All night Bible study."

When did he leave ?
Yesterday.

Oh, God !
We're still gonna
get to do it, right ?

Yeah, but I don't want
your segment to lag.

You don't have to worry.
We have got plenty
to talk about.

We lost the stepdaddy
in "I Slept
with My Stepdaddy."

Claire, it's Troy.
I wanted to leave you
a message and tell you...

what a phenomenal time
I had last night.

I hope to see you soon.

We're still gonna get
to do it, right ?
Yeah.
I'm gonna juggle things around.

I need you guys
to get into makeup now.

Damn it, damn it !

Please fill the seats
in the back rows first.

We lost the stepdaddy
in "I Slept with My Stepdaddy."

Do we have enough
to cover it ?
I'm working on it.

I gotta get back
on the set.
We'll talk later.

All right.
Have a good show, Jerry.
Okay.

It's like we're movie stars,
isn't it, Angel baby ?

Wait a minute !

I can't believe
we're here.

Y'all didn't say nothin'
to Starletta, did you ?

You hear something ?
Sounds like a scraggly-assed
junkyard hound dog to me.

You want to sit here ?
Where we gonna sit ?
Wow.

So, Connie,
what did it feel like
when you found out...

your little girl here
was having a sexual relationship
with your husband ?

It was the worst day
of my life.
Good.

And, Angel, you must've been
real pissed when you found out
your mom...

was having a sexual relationship
with your fiance, right ?

I didn't give a shit really.
I mean--

It's--
I was really pissed.

Okay. Willie, I'll bet
you were hurt and angry...

when you found out
your fiancee was sleeping
with her stepfather.

Am I right ?

[ Groans ]
Willie ?

[ Willie Vomiting ] Lord.

[ Chanting ]
Jerry ! Jerry !
Jerry ! Jerry !

[ Chanting Continues ]

[ Chanting Continues ]
Places, everyone.

Break a leg, baby.
That's what they say,
isn't it ?

Mm-hmm.

- I'm telling 'em everything.
- No, you are not.

I am.

I am.

We need everyone
in places.

Okay.

Okay, everybody, set.
Let's get ready to go.

Okay, baby ?

What did he say
to upset you so much ?

[ Audience Chanting, Cheering ]

Five.

Four.

[ Cheering ]

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Thanks a lot.
Thanks very much.

I'd like
to welcome everybody.
Thank you.

You're very nice.
Welcome. We've got
a great show today.

It is...
"I Slept with My Stepdaddy."

Oooh.

And Mom's pretty ticked.

We've got a great show.
Let's get right to it !
[ Cheering ]

[ Angel On TV ]
First it was no big deal.

Just blow jobs
when my mom would be out
playing bingo.

After a while, we fell in love.
You did what
with my husband ?

In my own home ?

That's "a" ass kicking.
You know what I'm saying ?

Let me see
if I got this right.
Angel is your fiancee.

And when Connie found out
that her daughter...

was having a relationship
with her husband,

she began to have
a sexual relationship with you ?

- To teach her a lesson.
- Right.

[ Jerry ]
So you willingly...

had sex
with your fiancee's mother,
and that doesn't bother you ?

Why not ? I'm sure as shit
not having sex with my fiancee.

Look at her ass.
I know she ain't.
She ain't no--

I know you ain't lookin'
that hard.
She ain't no vir--

- Me and Angel
have never had sex.
- Willie !

- Never ?
- Never.

She wants to marry me
because she's pregnant
with her stepdaddy's baby.

[ Audience Groaning ]

She's afraid everyone's
gonna find out about it.

Since I got a good job
at Wal-Mart in Lakeland,

she thinks we can raise a baby,
and everyone will think
it's ours.

Motherfucker !

Shit !
You're pregnant
with Rusty's baby ?

Don't be looking at me
like that. You're the one
that stole my diaphragm.

[ Angel ]
It's true, Jerry.

When my mother started having
an affair with my fiance,

she borrowed my clothes
and my diaphragm.

That's sick.

White people are nasty.

No. Sick is coming to your show
in L.A., and to catch her
having sex with him.

[ Audience Groaning ]

Wait. Hold up.
Did you see the two of them
having sex ?

No, wait.
Hey, hey, hey.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Let go of me !

Come on. You can't--
Calm down.

You stinkin' dog.
You ain't never gettin'
no more of this !

You need to quit.
Wookie-looking
little motherfucker.

Please, everybody.

Don't talk that shit.
What shit ?
We ain't talkin' shit.

Don't call at my house.
I'm tired of denying you.

You stinkin' dog !
You stick it anywhere,
don't you ?

Calm down.
You can't be attacking
our guest.

You know better than that.
Particularly a pregnant one.

Everybody calm down.
You okay ?

All right, go ahead.

Don't look at me.
Mama--

I said,
don't look at me !

Jerry,
give me that microphone.

Me and Vonda saw Demond
last night with her !

Yeah, it was her !

You had sex with Demond
last night ?
Of course not, baby.

She's lyin', 'cause me and
Leshawnette saw them kissing
at 3:00 in the mornin'.

Y'all sure ?
Hold my shit.
Yeah !

Child molester !
What's up with you ?

Old as you are,
acting like
a broke-ass Tammy Bakker.

Broke Wal-Mart Bitch !

I can't believe you fucked him.
You knew I liked him,
and went after him anyway.

You are always going after
my boyfriends.

You told your mom you liked him
when you're engaged to me ?

- Shut up !
- [ Starletta ] You bitch !

[ Audience Chanting ]
Jerry ! Jerry !
Jerry ! Jerry !

Freaks.

Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

What ?
That's bullshit.

That ain't no bullshit.
You know what the bullshit is ?

Is your ass talking about
you was at Bible class.

What the hell was you thinkin' ?
You wanted a double scoop
of skank ?

Was that it ?

I hope you wore six condoms.
Better yet,
did you wear a body condom ?

You wear a condom
on your tongue ? Huh ?

You ain't gotta worry
about touching me.

- Fuck you !
- Don't you touch my man !

Don't you touch my man !
Get your hands off my man !

[ Audience Chanting ]
Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

Let me go.
Fuck you !

[ Chanting Continues ]

[ Angel ]
Get the fuck off of me !
You started it.

He didn't start nothin' !

There you go,
taking my fiance's side.
Why don't you fuck him here ?

Bitch !

You're never
comin' back home.

Fuck you. This is my baby.
I'll take my baby
and go somewhere else.

You are not my daughter.
I'll take your damn husband,
bitch.

[ Angel ]
Fuck you.

[ Connie ]
You piece of white
fuckin' trash.

I'll be back with
a personal observation
after this word.

Crazy bitches.

[ Angel ] Well, you did it,
got me on TV.
Hope you're fuckin' happy.

[ Natalie ] Let me get you
a glass of water. Thanks.

[ Connie ]
I want
to say something.

And saying
something like this
doesn't come easy to me,

so I'm just gonna say it
up front.

All right ?
Okay.

I had no business
getting pregnant at 15.

But it happened,
and I dealt with it.

I never regretted it
for a minute,
not even a second.

You know that,
Angel baby.
I know it.

It's just that...

a parent ought to have
a world view,

a belief, a structure--

I don't know what the word is.
Just something to pass on
down to her kid.

I didn't have none of that
to pass on down to you.

All I'm trying to say...

is that a parent wants
to get better for a little girl.

Sometimes that just ain't
too easy.

I done some things
I don't understand.

I don't think anybody'd
understand it.

Sometimes I lay at night
in bed and I'm thinkin',

"Some of the things
you done to Angel ain't right."

And you know it !

I don't know why I did
some of the things I done,
but I am sorry.

Very truly deeply from
the bottom of my heart sorry.

I mean it.

I know it.

I promise
I'm going to do better.

I ain't gonna be crazy
like I've been.

Those days are over for me.
I'm sick of it.

I'm gonna be better.
You'll see.

I believe you.

Okay, I got you some water.
Can me and my daughter
have a moment alone ?

Just be a minute.
[ Door Closes ]

What you gonna do ?

I don't know.
Have it ?

I don't know.

Fact that it's Rusty's...

don't make it any easier.
I know it.

Not that I'm passing judgment,
'cause I'm in no position
to pass judgment.

Why don't we think on it
a little bit ?
Decide what's best.

We don't have
a whole lot of time.

Yeah, I know it.

But...
it'll come to us.

You'll see.

I feel better.

All things considered, Mama,

I think you done
a real good job raising me.

Thank you, sweetheart.
I tried
the best I could.

Let's get the guests
in their seats,
calm the audience down.

[ Director ]
Get ready for Jerry.

You know, it's hard
to know what to do
when you're angry.

You saw today people
who had difficulty
expressing that anger.

What we saw
was a pitiful bunch of sinners !

All of you
are the scum of the earth !

The worst America has to offer.
You're gonna go straight
to hell.

- You're pathetic, miserable
excuses for the human species.
- Have a seat. That's enough.

I'm not even sure
you're a part
of the human species.

You're no better
than a pack of wild animals.

Hell no !

Hey, just sit down.

You should be ashamed.
These people don't belong
on TV.

You keep ragging
on these people.
Let me tell you something.

The rich and famous
go on television
every single day.

They reveal intimate,
lurid details
of their private lives.

They tell us
who they sleep with,
what drugs they're on.

And we can't get enough
of it !
We just love that stuff !

Now, these people
come on.

They're not rich.
They're not powerful.

They're not famous.
They're talking about
the exact same issues.

They don't speak
the King's English.

They don't belong to your
fine, fancy neighborhoods
and country clubs.

- But you know what ?
- Tell him, Jerry.

They hurt just as much.
And what are they now,
the scum of the earth...

because they don't have
your money, your power
and your elitism ?

How dare
they go on television !

I got a program note
for you, buddy.

This is a slice
of American life.

And if you don't like it,
bite something else.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Jerry ! Jerry !

- Whoo !
- Jerry ! Jerry !

[ Audience Cheering, Chanting ]
Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

You're so lucky.
Yo, word is bond, kid.

Little ladies, the show's
not until tomorrow, so take
tonight to think about it.

No. We done made up our minds.
We ain't doin' the show.
Hello.

Why not ?
'Cause...
they ain't no traitors.

Y'all my girls.
Girl, look at you !

Oh, man !
You give her a hug,
you ain't--

I'm serious.
I love my girls.

What about Demond ?
Fuck Demond, girl.

It's about us.
Fuck him.

[ Vonda ]
We going out tonight ?

Yeah !

[ All Chattering ]

Let's say good-bye
to Jerry.
You think ?

Oh, yeah.
Come on, let's go.

[ Mel ] You've always been
a populist, Jerry.
Some things don't change.

Remember when my mom and dad
came to visit us when we
first started doing the show ?

Yep.
They were very proud of you.
[ Jerry ] Why not ?

I had already been a mayor,
was a news anchor.

I was going to be
the next Walter Cronkite.

My name means something
a lot different now
than it did back then.

[ Natalie ]
Ah, Jer, you always land
on your feet.

He's in there.
All of a sudden I'm nervous.

You're going in there.
I'm not doing it.
You said you were.

I know, I know.
I'll do it.

Jerry, I'm sorry
to interrupt.

My daughter and me
were wonderin' if you'd pose
in a picture with us ?

Ah... sure.

Oh, thanks !
We'll only be a minute.

We did bring the camera
from the hotel, didn't we ?

I think so.
What bag did you put it in ?
I thought in this one.

It's not in mine.
Oh, here it is.

- Why don't I take it ?
- Oh, thank you, sugar.

All you have to do
is press that button.

You don't got to focus it
or none of that.
All right.

Why don't you guys
get together ?

Okay, we'll stand here.

[ Mel ]
Say "Velveeta."
One, two, three.

I think I might've blinked.
Could you take another one ?
Sure.

[ Mel ]
Cheesecake. Great.

- There you go.
- Thank you so much.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Sure, absolutely.

[ Mel ]
Bye, ladies.
Have a good trip back.

Oy vay,
huh ?
What a business.

Have a nice day.
All right.

You're still bein' a dog !
Wait, you can take his off.

Ain't you the lonely one ?
[ Laughs ]

Come on, the coast is clear.
We've got time for one drink.

Look !

[ Jerry On TV ]
Let me see
if I have this right.

You say that you
have sex with men while
you're dressed like a woman.

These guys have no idea
that you're really a man ?

[ Woman In Audience ]
No way !

I don't mean any disrespect,
but I find it hard to believe...

that somebody could
be having sex with you and
not realize you're really a guy.

I had sex with one
of your staff members.
Why don't you ask him ?

Oh, my God !

Staff member ?
[ Charlie ]
Yeah, Troy Davenport.

I knew it !
I called it, didn't I, Mama ?
He's gay.

[ Connie ]
You did.

He met me as Claire,
and we had sex.

He's a member of our staff.
Let's bring him out.

Troy !
Come on, buddy.

They need you in there.
Give me a break.

[ Audience Applauding ]

[ Both Squealing ]

Troy, is that true ?

[ Laughing ]

Oh, my God !

E.R.,
my ass !

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Chanting ]
Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

Oh, my God.

Till next time,
take care of yourself...
and each other.

You too, Jerry.
Isn't he a sweet man ?
Just as sweet as can be.

And good looking too.
Yes, he is.

Can we have two Jack Daniel's
on the rocks, please ?

Maybe I shouldn't drink
now that I'm pregnant.

Hell, I drank
when I was pregnant with you.
You turned out all right.

I've been thinkin'.

I don't think you should
marry Willie. You and the baby
should stay with me.

I was thinkin'
the same thing.

The baby belongs
with its mama and its grandma.

Oh, Lord.
I'm gonna be a grandma.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Hmm ?

We better get going.
It's getting close.

You know what ?

What ?

This is the first
family vacation we ever had.
We never got to do that.

All and all,
I think we done pretty good.

I agree.

All right.

Well, let's go, Angel baby.

We got a plane to catch.

[ Angel ]
I can't believe how small
that studio was.

It looks so much bigger
on TV.

Willie, let's go !

You got all that ?
There's one on the side
of the couch.

I'm ready to go home.
How about you ? You bet.

Them burgers
from that little
Clown Burger place !

They were very good.
Excellent.

♪ Oh, yeah
Cool ♪

Lord have mercy.

[ Angel ]
Jesus Christ has come
to the trailer park.

He's got
really big feet.

Hey, y'all my neighbors ?

Why, yes.

Hi.
My name's Angel.
I'm Connie.

Hi, Connie.
How are you ?
Very good.

I just moved in a minute ago.
Rented number two.
Did you really ?

We just came back
from a trip ourselves.
We were renting number three.

So we are neighbors !
We certainly are.

You want to help us
with the bags ?
I'd love to.

Aren't you sweet ?
You two pretty ladies.

Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc. Los Angeles

♪ Whoa, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ The real one

♪ Oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ All you greatest defenders
scat fenders and sinners ♪

♪ Hundred dollar billers
and heavy hitters ♪

♪ Dime figures
Delicate nieces in my mind ♪

♪ Make my diamond shine
Then my eyes glitter ♪

♪ Perpetrators
and player haters ♪

♪ They can't fade us because
we two are the greatest ♪

♪ We got to let 'em have it
Face it ♪

♪ Bow down in the presence
of players
and kiss the carat ♪

♪ A wrist full of baggage
for all the maggots ♪

♪ I up and get embarrassed
Trick, get off my carriage ♪

♪ Uncut, no lie
Straight off the key ♪

♪ Hundred percent "G"
Who's putting me down
on Miami's behalf ♪

♪ Home of the nickel pooch
and the raw half ♪

♪ Everywhere we go
the impression's felt ♪

♪ The room's stamped
in the bag ♪

♪ Gang in the back
Sun roof top ♪

♪ We want to see
where the gang should be ♪

♪ The real one
Ha, what, real one
Ha, what ♪

♪ Gang in the back
Sun roof top ♪

♪ We want to see
where the gang should be ♪

♪ The real one
Ha, what, real one
Ha, what ♪

♪ It's '98 player
Check your game ♪

♪ Make sure them young boys
respect your name ♪

♪ Keep your heat at arm's reach
cocked and ready ♪

♪ 'Cause the streets will catch
you slippin'
and rock you steady ♪

♪ Watch your back
with your homies
that you feel is real ♪

♪ Your homeboys
from your crew, yeah ♪

♪ Them the ones that do you
and the suckers that got
the player hater venom ♪

♪ Hey, the venom
I wanna take 'em outside
and land slugs up in 'em ♪

♪ But that's trippin'
and that ain't my sport ♪

♪ I'd rather lay up in my crib
than to rob the poor ♪

♪ I sent my dozen on the street
Bump my base, 'cause when
I'm twistin' my duff ♪

♪ Can't nobody compete
Imagine this ♪

♪ A hundred "G" laps
on your wrist
Imagine this ♪

♪ About ten carats on your fist
Imagine this ♪

♪ All Don Ho's on your list

♪ It would be nice
but your name ain't nice ♪

♪ I screwed the silencer on
Rock you softly ♪

♪ How you gonna step on me, kid
You grew up off me ♪

♪ TV's, movies
and records and toys ♪

♪ So many buses
And Versace
I don't wear no more ♪

♪ Come and meet me in Miami
Marquee, what's up ♪

♪ He said player chop some game
on this bubble and cut ♪

♪ I said shoot me the track
or you could contour ♪

♪ If you wanna ball and caddy
I'll plan your whole tour ♪

♪ Gang in the back
Sun roof top ♪

♪ We want to see
where the gang should be ♪

♪ The real one
Ha, what, real one
Ha, what ♪

♪ Gang in the back
Sun roof top ♪

♪ We want to see
big long machine
with the gang so mean ♪

♪ The real one
Ha, what, real one
Ha, what ♪

♪ The real one

♪ Oh-oh
Oh-ooo-oh-oh ♪

♪ I'm gonna stay in the field
on a request for the meals ♪

♪ And try to keep her real

♪ So I can sit back and kick it
Write my own ticket ♪

♪ Live this lavish lifestyle
Tripping the big tripping ♪♪