Rifftrax: The Sword and the Sorcerer (2014) - full transcript

♪ ♪

[Mike] Shouldn't it be Robert
SS Bremson,

according to fantasy law?

[Kevin] Well yeah without a
double

middle initial how are we
supposed to take this seriously?

[Bill] He's a no nonsense
sword.

She's a free spirited sorcerer
without a care in the world.

They've got a lot to learn
about each other,

and even more to learn about
love.

(indistinct)

[Mike] Not sure what we're
hearing in the background here.



Really hope it's not a public
restroom.

[Kevin] Ooo. Ooo.

[Kevin] Welcome to the fantasy
movie.

Please enjoy the standard issue
Fantasy Movie Fox.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Richard Moll?

[Bill] The sword and the
sorcerer and the dopey but
lovable bailiff.

Low you now of days long past.

The time when the world was
young.

[Kevin] And the narration
overwrought.

And wild adventure was forever
in the offing.

[Mike] Hmm.

Seems like nothing's ever in
the offing these days.

Save that which is veiled in
the midsts of legendry.



[Bill] Legendry?

How exactly is that different
from "legend"

[Kevin] Little is known and
veiled in the midsts.

Gotta go!

[Bill] Get back here!

It was in these midsts, that
our tale begins.

On Tomb Island, a rocky crag
perched.

At the far edge of the world.

[Mike] You know people ask me.

Why would you want to live on
Tomb Island, a rocky crag

perched at the far edge of the
world?

And my answer is parking.

There's always plenty of
parking.

[Kevin] Let's see.

Rocky, Craggy.

His story does check out.

[Bill] Spring break. Ooo.

[Mike] Spring break. Ooo.

(crackling noises)

[Kevin] Ah.

So Tomb Island is not just a
fun name.

♪ ♪

(crackling noises)

[Bill] I want this kind of door
for my house.

Claw your way through a bunch
of solid rock, then you

can tell me about the watch
tower.

You've earned it!

[Kevin] The quest for Nick
Nolte continues.

[Mike] Mr. Nolte!

Ah you found me!

Heh. Hat's off to you Sherlock.

Welcome to Tomb Island.

Make yourself at home.

Take care not to step on the
rib bones though.

Making a shirt out of them on
account of the price

of cotton gotten too dang high!

Heh heh.

Sorry. I'm not feeling well.

I caught something from a lady
I've been bedding lately.

Sweet little gal but she eats
sanitary like me.

He heh.

[Kevin] Perm from the midsts of
legendry.

...Wait for us at the boats

[Bill] Shepherds from the
nativity scene?

Why not?

[Mike] These chases resent
their more

successful cousin Manhattan.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Oh. What's that?

Is it in the offing?

[Bill] I don't know.

Hard to see through all these
dang midsts of legendry.

[Mike] Tomb Island.

We're working on the ambience.

[Kevin] This is where Tara Reid
keeps her discarded layers.

[Bill] Okay.

Let's pop this ark open melt
some faces off and call it a
day.

Get on with it

Witch!

Haaaah!

[Mike] Witch is gonna regret
that comeback later.

Haaah.

What the hell was I thinking?

Haaah!

[Kevin] Another 80s fantasy
movie law?

You must have a black woman
acting kind of scary.

[Bill] She's who you get when
Grace Jones

and Eartha Kitt don't return
your calls.

[Mike] Hi.

This is all poop.

Haaah!!

[Kevin] Could have stayed at
the dentist

Huuuuuuhh.

Marta Gulos.

[Bill] Martha clothes?

Oh, a Martha Stewart collection
at Target.

Sure honey we'll stop by on the
way home.

(screaming)

[Kevin] Ah.

Still more personal space than
my first college apartment.

(screaming)

[Bill] I liked Rod Stewart
best when he played with these
guys.

(screaming)

[Mike] Uh huh.

Great.

I hear what you're saying,
prioritizing your feedback

and we'll definitely circle
back in these concerns

at the next agenda session.

(winds blowing)

[Kevin] Guests of Tomb Island
enjoy

luxurious accommodations in a
room of

screaming tortured faces with
complimentary

swirling red dust.

[Bill] Anyway.

Now for the time share
presentation.

♪ ♪

(screaming)

[Mike] It's Woody Allen and his
damn clarinet!

Ah!

It lives!

[Kevin] No refunds!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Mike] Well.

Freddy Krueger action figure
isn't quite ready.

Put it back in the mold for a
while

(breathing sounds)

(growling noises)

[Kevin] (growling voice) Ice.

Put it in a glass.

With some Fresca.

Bring it to me.

Fresca.

[Bill] Yah.

Man, this is the weird weirdest
hot yoga class.

Who are thou?

Titus Krump, king of
(indistinct).

[Mike] Mmm.

Wow.

Gotta try this sauce it's so
good.

We need your help.

It's the richest kingdom in the
world.

And I want it.

[Kevin] Okay Veruca Salt.

Why dost thou need my services?

I want a king with an army.

[Bill] Yeah but so's Gene
Simmons.

But with your help I will be
victorious.

And what would thou bestow upon
me?

[Mike] He lives in a vat of
goo in a hole on Tomb Island.

What more could anyone want?

A toad like you even has the
power to aid us.

[Kevin] Ugh.

I make the same face when the
waitress asks " Is pepsi
okay?".

(growling noises)

[Bill] Mmm.

This one's honey barbecue.

Wait did I miss something?

♪ ♪

(growling noises)

My master.

Oh my god!

[Mike] I got you that funny
birthday card remember?

When you opened it played "Who
let the dogs out?"

(growling)

[Kevin] Oh!

Eight yards!

You know witch toss is one of
the more

popular sports on Tomb Island.

[Mike] ET.

After dark.

[Mike] Can I use you as a
reference for my next employer?

Okay never mind.

(dramatic music)

[Kevin] Didn't even chant Kali
Ma?

Demons these days.

[Bill] Lazy.

My ark is powerful!

[Bill] And it's got a GREAT ASS!

Betray me.

And I will joyly send you back
to rot in hell.

[Mike] You know little league
coaches should use that

for motivation speech.

Thou shalt have my kingdom.

And I, I too shall have what
should be mine.

[Kevin] Quality skin care
products at an affordable price.

♪ ♪

A thousand leagues away, the
wondrous

kingdom of Aidime was
celebrating twenty years

of peace and tranquility.

[Bill] And nothing ever changed
that.

The end!

Had been transformed into a
prospering civilized nation.

By the wise and strong - King
Richard

[Mike] Who?

This asshole?

(Kevin laughs)

We mustn't keep everyone
waiting.

[Kevin] We're late for the AARP
Cosplay orgy.

I treasure you.

The nightmares and the dreams
still haunt me.

What did Amilious tell you
about me?

[Bill] Did it involve shaving
the hideous beard by any chance?

What he said was that it's too
much of this kingly life.

Unbeknownst to them all..

[Mike] They were giant dorks.

Aided by Zusia's black sorcery.

And already stormed across the
boarders of Aida.

Leaving behind a wake of
ungodly death, disease and
destruction.

[Kevin] But also a lot of
laughs.

[Bill] Yeah.

King Richard is finished.

Half of his army lay rotting
before us.

[Bill] And I seem to think I'm
doing Shakespeare.

Besides, if we don't kill Zusia
now while he's

still weak from his conjuring,
we might never be rid of him.

(bark noise)

[Mike] He's right behind me
isn't he?

(Kevin laughs)

(indistinct)

Thou our hero.

Get to the point.

[Bill] Guy ain't so scary once
you hose the goop off him

and dress him up in a ratty
robe from Goodwill.

Well then you shall sleep.

Forever. (screaming)

(guys laugh)

♪ ♪

(screaming) [Mike] Ooo.

I hope his gas tank explosion
hits the ground.

[Bill] Buy the map a drink
first why don't you?

Cromwell could not be stopped.

Only one army stood between him
and the city.

[Mike] All the other armies
stood between Sex and the City.

[Kevin] Cabbage?

(laughs) Move!

Don't talk.

Wait for the leach.

[Bill] Robin Leech.

He'll serve you with champagne
wishes and caviar dreams!

Destroyed?

By his black.

[Mike] Black, or white?

That's my favorite Michael
Jackson's song father.

I want you to know.

[Kevin] So you guys cool?

[Bill] My God.

Our poor son.

His horrible adult acne
finally did him in.

[Mike] I'm sorry we refused for
pay for the Pro Active
treatments.

It just seemed like such a
scam.

(sobbing)

[Kevin] Oh yeah.

So I'm thinking pasta?

He will ride with me.

The others I leave in your
charge.

[Bill] Including Mobey De
Weetikus over there.

Take them and escape.

Go to the witch on the river.

[Mike] A ferryman named Matt
Foley will take you.

Go now.

Quickly Maria.

Take me to battle father.

You'll need me.

[Kevin] In case you encounter
any most righteous waves!

I do love you more than life
itself.

If I die it will fall upon you
to avenge me.

[Bill] Also get these swords
unstuck.

Accidentally glued them
together.

I understand.

[Mike] He immediately put the
sword in

a three sliced toaster and died.

And so it came to pass, that
the remnants of Richard's armies

met Cromwell's black swords in
a final desperate battle.

[Kevin] Aaaaand how did it go?

The fate of Aida had been
decided.

[Bill] And smoked it below out
of the

dead men's bodies for some
unknown reason.

(Kevin laughs)

Charlie?

[Mike] Hey the assassins creed
guy is here.

Where's my father?

Don't worry about the king.

[Kevin] I mean really.

Have you seen his beard?

We must save the queen.

Cromwell will be after her
next.

[Bill] And do we think there's
any historical significance

to him having the name
Cromwell?

[Mike] The sword and sorcerer.

[Kevin] Yep yep good point.

[Bill] Never mind.

Let's fetch it.

[Kevin] Ooo.

Right in the..

Where was that?

Father!

No Telly.

Listen to me.

Avenge your father another day.

[Mike] If you do it now the
movie will be way too short.

Must escape on the river.

You must save her.

You hear?

The future of the kingdom is in
your hands.

Now go!

[Kevin] Well you seem kind of
okay.

Why don't you help?

[Bill] Nope.

Totally dying. (cough cough).

Go! Go! Go!

♪ ♪

[Mike] Hurry children.

Jerry's Robe Emporium is
having a blowout sale.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Disobedient.

That is so Henry.

[Bill] He wasn't even wearing
clean underwear.

Every mom's nightmare.

You bastard!

(sobbing)

Oh no!

[Mike] Sword and the sorcerer
and the Sophie's Choice.

I'll spare your daughter, if
you officially proclaim me king.

[Kevin] Time to getting stabbed
by old ladies, you wad!

Pull it out!

♪ ♪

[Bill] Don't worry I'm on my
way!

To the pond where the sexy
wood nymphs may be.

♪ ♪

Malya you!

No!

[Kevin] Why is he so upset?

That swing missed by at least a
foot.

♪ ♪

(screams)

[Bill] No!

Why couldn't this have happened
to the kid from Eragon?

♪ ♪

[Kevin] What?

They skipped the scene where Q
explains the sword.

[Bill] Yeah.

Too bad he didn't remember he
could do this a minute ago

when that guy was decapitating
his mom.

[Mike] Cause of death?

[Kevin] We're not one hundred
percent sure yet sir,

but we think it may be the
sword in his face.

[Bill] Dumb kid.

Gnawed his own hand off

instead of just pulling out the
arrow.

Find that boy on your lives.

Don't return without him.

I want him.

[Mike] He killed my twelfth
favorite flunky

and I that will not stand.

I want him.

[Kevin] No no.

Kid don't drag the barrel in
the dirt like that.

Your sword will jam.

[Bill] Bright side?

No more lame family vacations
to Narnia.

For years the boy was to be
hunted.

Cromwell's assassins found not
a trace.

Tallon had simply vanished into
the void.

[Mike] Didn't John Krakauer
write that?

Years passed and rumors began
to rumble through the kingdom.

[Kevin] Oh those outland
kingdoms, they love their girl
talk.

Who roamed trackless deserts,
mighty mountains and shining
seas.

[Bill] Abandoned Blockbusters
and public library computers.

Who was once a buccaneer, a
slave, a rogue, a general.

Tallon!

[Mike] We need Tallon the
plumber over here, stat!

(music)

Then just days before the
eleventh

anniversary of Cromwell's
victory over King Richard.

[Kevin] God dang it, I totally
forgot to buy a gift.

(indistinct)

Why do we stand here general?

I have a debt to pay.

[Bill] Accidentally stole a gas
station bathroom key.

Waiting for us at Maladon.

He can wait.

[Mike] Someday I'll work with
Murphy Brown.

Relax Darius.

I hope this isn't a mistake
general Lambosia might

lose his kingdom while we're
here.

Then we'll win it back!

[Kevin] So great to see that
the sad child of a

tragic backstory, grew up to be
a smug, pompous jagoff

♪ ♪

[Bill] National Geographic
cover lady, is that you?

[Mike] And now, a twenty minute
origin story for THIS guy.

Every character gets a twenty
minute origin story.

We're gonna be here a while.

[Kevin] A real estate lawyer
from the midsts of legendry.

♪ ♪

(hissing sound)

[Bill] The hostess will seat
you sir.

I've been summoned to carry a
message crucial

to the final conflict.

[Kevin] A rare glimpse of the
follow up interview

for American Apparel model.

(hissing sounds)

Pardon this intrusion older
master.

[Mike] Could it have waited
until after my campion?

Arrangements have been made to
crush Prince Michael's
rebellion.

And to deliver to Cromwell.

[Mike] Without Mr. Roper
noticing.

For eight years I've been
submerged to the black sea to
heal

the wounds of Cromwell's
treasure.

[Kevin] Not to mention a little
"me time".

(indistinct)

I shall conquer!

[Bill] So I should postpone
the corporate retreat?

It needs time.

The rise of the said fool.

[Mike] You know Thursday.

Cromwell's power.

Cromwell's bride.

(Bill growls) And Cromwell's
flesh shall be mine!

[Kevin] Zusia was the easily
defeated after confusing

the spell of hell fire with
the one that conjures egg rolls.

[Bill] Ah.

Poor guy.

But medieval themed birthday
parties

always draw a smaller turnout.

[Kevin] Wow.

Spinal Tap is really far from
the stage.

♪ ♪

What do you want?

[Mike] Dragon balls?

The generals have gathered in
the war room.

They await instructions and
plans for the final conflict.

You handle it.

[Bill] I've got that fundraiser
in Rivendell.

It is imperative.

It is imperative that you obey
my orders!

If you wish to live.

[Mike] They got a real
nixon-agnew thing going on here.

Yes my lord.

[Kevin] Yeah I hope you get
throne crotch.

Tell Cromwell not to worry.
With him leading us we

will crush the rebellion and
capture Princess Alana.

Unless your information about
the rebels proves false.

[Mike] You dare question the
voracity of Microsoft incarta?

[Mike] Mmm.

I'm off to play mind maze.

[Bill] The city of Ehdan.

Keeping our dead separate from
our water supply since 1109.

Take these orders.

[Kevin] And doth shall end I
will send word as

to where our rebellion will
begins.

Free us Prince Michael.

[Bill] Sub zero winds.

(wind howling)

(guys)

Duke of NORM!

(indistinct)

Quiet.

[Mike] Get back to ye bounty
hunting.

Bring us a bucket.

[Kevin] Golden Corrals new
slogan.

[Bill] Heh heh.

What?

If you are looking for work,
you've come to the right place.

Why is that?

[Bill] I'm Sir Craig of List.

Some are about to rebel.

What kind of a man are you?

I can't quite tell.

[Mike] My training is in
linguistics.

Go on.

He heh.

[Kevin] He was only the
bookkeeper.

There are two bidders for your
swords.

King Cromwell the usurper.

Lord Michael the last
legitimate heir to the throne.

[Bill] Hey are those jalapeno
poppers coming anytime soon?

The people believe him and his
sister to be the rightful heirs.

[Mike] Is all this sneaking
really necessary around

the half blind syphilitic meat
heads?

[Kevin] Which way is the
(indistinct) dunk tank?

All is set Micah.

Proceed as planned, tomorrow.

[Bill] Baralee will do your
highlights.

Excellent.

Tomorrow the throne of the
damned shall belong to you.

It's legitimate heir.

[Mike] Ivanka Trump.

It's ironic that the people
shall be damned.

They owe their freedom to
Cromwell's (indistinct).

They owe nothing my friend.

Justice is its own reward.

[Kevin] Might I also add muuu
wa ha ha ha! I must go now.

You and I will have

no further contact.

It is no longer safe.

[Bill] Secretary of
transportation sound?

You will be well rewarded for
this.

Thank you.

Your majesty.

[Mike] What not to say to

a state trouper who lets you
off with a warning.

[Kevin] My god.

I'm low rent Eric Roberts.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Yes.

Take me Harry Knowles, take me.

Oh ho ho ho.

[Mike] Ooo.

That's a risky move in lepers
alley.

[Kevin] For the last time we
don't want any boiled leather!

(door creaks)

[Bill] Ah you might want to
keep that on.

My dinner wrap was not fresh.

Yes my Lord Micah.

The princess Alana is waiting
inside.

[Mike] In case you weren't
aware of your sister's name and
title.

It's good to see you sister.

Oh Micah!

[Kevin] Heeeey!

Get a room at casterly Rock
you two!

You're late.

Now come and have a look.

[Bill] But with everyone here?

(indistinct)

[Mike] At last.

We can access the hidden
creamsicle freezer.

Cromwell's Elizabeth is
partial to our cause.

She got this from Cromwell
himself.

With allies like these, how can
we lose?

[Kevin] Don't make eye
contact.

All the neighboring kings
here..

Shh shhh.

Let us not.

I've just come from speaking
with Machelli.

The rebellion begins tomorrow.

Spread out here.

[Bill] Something the South
says every night

before getting hammered on
grain alcohol.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Ringo Starr, usurper to
the throne.

I can hardly believe it.

Tomorrow, I shall be king.

[Kevin] Uh that's not what
happens when you win at
checkers, pal.

And I'm not worthy of it.

The crown, belongs to the
people.

(crashing)

[Bill] Nobody expects the
Spanish inquisition for

another two to three centuries.

Cromwell.

[Mike } No try again.

Cromwell well well well.

And I suppose there's only one
snake Cromwell.

Is that you Alana?

[Bill] Or is that Karen Allen?

I was hoping.

[Bill] It's kind of dark in
here.

Go warn the others!

(sounds of swords swinging)

[Mike] Oh hey guys.

Everything..Oh!

Just going to say we needed
more candles.

[Kevin] Alana, is that the
sound of you warning the
others?

Ahhh!

[Bill] Please.

Bury me on Tomb Island.

Pretty logical.

Your rebellion is OVER!

[Mike] Just as well.

Can't imagine anyone would
choose to worship a king named
Micah.

[Kevin] How's that for the
unrestricted power

of an absolute monarchy huh?

(grunting)

[Bill] But the sinister way you
said "your majesty" to me

sounded so genuine.

(footsteps)

[Mike] Let's see.

I take a left at the dog meat
shop, so right

at the orphan beating station.

Oh no!

[Kevin] The one day I don't
wear my grappling hook.

♪ ♪

[Bill] If only she had
explosive diarrhea during the
shoot

like Harrison Ford did, she
could casually pull out a gun

and shoot these guys.

Now I poke you with my dagger
huh?

[Mike] It's one of those trick
daggers with

a retractable plastic blade
from Party City.

Ha ha ha!

Ya got lucky with me outside
you did.

[Kevin] Yeah role in
Cannonball Run really went

to Jamie Farr's head.

I'm going to mount you like
you've never been.

[Bill] Like a network driving
Mac OSX.

Oooh!

She's a wild one, this one!

[Mike] Huh.

Nut Shot humor or the lacking
of wit.

Hey take a tone movie!

Let's have a look at your boots.

[Kevin] I got banned from the
farmer's market

for saying that to a kale
vendor.

No!

[Bill] Well it's some sort of
breastlike objects.

No!

No!

[Kevin] I'll wait and see where
they're going with this.

That's a small threat.

That's a very small threat.

[Bill] Ha ha!

There's always time for a small
dick joke

in the midst of sexual assault.

Ha ha ha.

Go to hell movie!

[Mike] Oh!

I think my "sword" is bigger
than yours!

Ha ha ha!

Get it?

I'm really committing to the
dick joke thing.

Huh?Uh.

[Kevin] He he he.

This reminds me of my family's
brutal murder.

Ha ha ha.

[Bill] Gah.

Tallon upskirt.

♪ ♪

[Mike] No need to thank me
malady.

I just sauntered over there
after hearing

your cries for help and
gradually decided to intervene.

But tell me how much did you
love

my joke about your attacker's
weiner?

I totally made it up on the
spot!

(sighing)

Stop shaking.

You're safe now.

[Kevin] Look at how terrific
my hair is, I'm obviously a
hero.

(knocking)

♪ ♪

Me lady.

[Mike] Guy who isn't Conan.

Your brother was captured, by
Cromwell himself.

We have to get the word out.

No attack tomorrow.

[Kevin] I'll alert my sworm of
messenger lice.

[Bill] Grrr.

Grrr.

I hope you don't mind but the
only theme rooms

I have left are plague based.

[Mike] My groupons expired but
don't say anything.

He still might take it.

Oh shh shh.

Dates.

No beef?

As you wish.

[Kevin] Just for that you're
getting mule.

Just a leg or should I bring
the whole cow?

A leg will do.

Word is being passed.

[Bill] It's like a game of
telephone, we're

having a great time out there.

You were dying here to get some
no good wine.

I didn't bring you here to get
drunk.

Why did you bring me here?

[Mike] To beg you to stop
dressing like Macklemore.

[Kevin] Yeah with this place if
they like you or despise you,

you're gonna get the same meal.

Is your sword for hire?

[Bill] Which one?

I've got this ridiculously
stupid triple thing.

I would pay anything for it.

Well if the price is right, my
sword is yours.

[Mike] Uhhhh.

Not so fast.

Oh but my sword is.

(guys groan)

Nothing in life is free.

First a task.

So what do you want?

A throat cut?

[Mike] Or my SWORD?

[Bill] Yeah got it.

I want you to rescue my
brother.

And what am I to be paid?

Two hundred talons.

[Kevin] Talents?

She's paying him in idol
contestants?

Not what I had in mind.

Five hundred talons.

[Bill] Your you're handing me a
crayon drawing of Donald Duck.

What does this mean?

♪ ♪

Alright.

Anything you want.

[Mike] After all I'm almost
recovered from

that sexual assault ten minutes
ago.

So tell me where is this
brother of yours?

[Kevin] In unspeakable anguish
or something hmm?

He's in Cromwell's dungeons.

Now you want me to snatch your
brother from

the king's dungeons for one
night with you?

That's a slim bounty for such a
task.

You bastard!

[Bill] what did I do?

Oh right.

Propositioned you right after
you were attacked.

Life with your brother for one
night with you.

I expect my bounty perfumed and
pretty.

[Mike] I demand the same of my
caddies everytime I go golfing.

Malady, fifty more people
trapped in Skoal Cave

by King Cromwell's red tracking
(indistinct).

Is there anything to do to help
them?

No malady.

[Kevin] That's dead stupid.

Well we can't just sit by
while they're being butchered.

What about you?

Can you help us?

[Bill] We're butchering who now?

What do you take me for?

It's suicide.

Quiet Crackus.

[Mike] Hey same to you, honky.

He's risking his life as his
profession.

Risk?

Not throw away?

What's the matter?

Is your sword too small?

[Kevin] Oh I see now!

When they say swords they mean
penises!

Haven't paid enough for a
thousand such tasks.

I can't wait to bed you wench.

You raise my expectations.

[Bill] Eventually the script is
just going

to be saying "boner!" over and
over.

First I want a taste of your
lips to send me to my grave.

[Mike] Now come here and give
big pervey Ivanhoe a smooch.

[Kevin] Eeeww.

Where did you get your cologne?

Tomb Island or rocky crag
perched at

the far edge of the world?

Eeww.

♪ ♪

Brash hulk!

Who is he?

[Bill] And why don't you kiss
ME like that no more?

Well at least you won't have to
pay your uh debt.

He won't live to see the
sunrise.

[Mike] Another frustrated bards
tail party.

(indistinct)

[Kevin] Yeah not to worry.

Our hero should arrive on the
scene in three to four weeks.

As soon as she agrees to be a
sex slave for life.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Pete's other slower
dragon.

♪ ♪

[Mike] I'm getting a distinct
Mel Brooks day players

feel from these guys.

(Kevin laughs)

[Kevin]Andy from Pee Wee's Big
Adventure looks on.

Come out and live.

Or stay and die!

[Bill] These guys are righteous.

I should hang with them.

(indistinct)

You have five minutes to decide.

[Mike] Of course our sun dials
don't work at night

so we'll have to approximate
the length of time.

Your rebellion is over!

Your king has only down in
chains.

[Kevin] Admittedly, the chains
make him look pretty badass.

You heard the general.

Do we fight or surrender?

[Bill] Um can we use the full
five minutes STEVE?

They're pouring oil.

[Mike] Ugh.

It's like he wants me to stare
at his butt.

[Kevin] Ugh.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Yeah he just found out
he'll someday lose the lead

in Hercules the Legendary
Journeys to Kevin Sorbo.

♪ ♪

Arrghh!

[Bill] Ah!

It seemed like that came from
the wrong direction.

(cheering)

Get back there scum!

Stand by for torching!

[Mike] Just hang back.

Got loads of time.

Still for any babes?

Keep up the smoke.

(crashing)

[Kevin] Yeah Micah has a better
chance at the throne

than the gang of Beloid.

[Bill] Let the bruelaying of
the creme begin!

♪ ♪

This is your final test!

[Mike] Quick rendition of Babba
loo should calm things down.

Or go!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] This gnatty ice has
gone flat, bro.

♪ ♪

Ahhhh!

[Mike] Ahhh!

How did he somehow pour two
thousand gallons of oil

in front of us without anyone
noticing?

[Kevin] Dave!

Put me out!

[Bill] Put me out Roger.

God, you're so selfish.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Ah.

How many songs and stories are
written about the

noble hero looking on as the
opposing army burns to death in
agony

from his secretly poured fuel
oil.

[Kevin] Yay?

[Bill] Their widows will weep
for days!

Ah ha ha!

Everyone's going to recognize
him as a true heir.

[Mike] Another baffling change
of tone I hope.

Beach party surf song where
even a villain joins in the
chorus.

[Kevin] Okay it was dark you
guys were in a cave.

But now I see you in the
daylight

and realize, man, you really
suck!

How did you plan to rescue Lord
Micah warrior?

Just get me into the castle and
I'll think of something.

[Bill] Will it be some cowardly
act of burning men to death?

[Mike] Probably.

This will lead us into the
castle?

According to this map, it's
right into the dungeon.

[Kevin] According to this map
my prize pig drew for me.

Give me a hand will you?

[Bill] We're farmers, but we
can walk twenty miles

to the iron workers hut maybe
he can help.

[Mike] Would you just lift up
the gate?

♪ ♪

[Kevin] And now it came to pass
that, um, uh, a castle existed.

Evidently.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Yes the beard was an
experiment I was trying
something out.

It's coming off tonight okay?

♪ ♪

[Mike] I uh, made us a
reservation at Castle,

it's our our only restaurant.

But it's not bad.

The fish menu is limited.

They do have a stuffed
flounder.

Oh God I'm so terrible at this.

♪ ♪

Now is that any way to treat
your husband to be?

[Kevin] Yeah she should wait a
few years,

throw his clothes in the front
yard,

and then get her groove back.

You're right Titus.

Take me my Lord.

[Bill] Take me to castle and
buy me the stuffed flounder.

Titus.

[Mike] Yes.

Yes?

WHAT?

Tonight you will be my queen.

And soon, the queen of the
entire world.

And I will make love to you
like no other can.

With what?

[Kevin] Oh please cut to a dog
who whines and covers his eyes.

Dang.

Love or not, you will be my
queen.

[Bill] You WILL put on a tight
sequined jumpsuit

and sing Fat Bottom Girls.

♪ ♪

Nothing can force me to marry
you.

Not even the life of your
brother?

[Mike] Eh.

He gave me a lame yankee candle
for my last birthday

so have at him.

Yaah!

[Kevin] And now an off screen
nut shot.

Nice.

Racking them up like an Adam
Sandler film.

[Bill] Uh.

These hipster pop up
restaurants are so annoying.

(clinking of dishes)

Ah!

He he he.

[Mike] Sometimes he forgets
how great his job is,

and when he remembers he can't
contain his joy.

Your majesty?

Your majesty?

[Kevin] You ordered a gluten
free burrito?

Elizabeth, this is no place for
you.

I've brought you some food and
wine.

[Bill] Don't pet my dog skin
coat!

Hungry indeed.

But not for food.

[Mike] Hungry indeed, but not
for food.

Golden Corral's newer slogan!

(Kevin laughs)

I was meant to be yours my king.

[Kevin] I've never once
brushed me teeth.

[Bill] Me neither.

Aaa!

Ha ha ha ha!

Leave us two alone.

[Mike] Oh!

I was gonna laugh again.

[Kevin] My beautifully
feathered hair!

Ahh!

So prince.

Are you going to tell me where
Zusia is?

What are you talking about?

Ah!

[Bill] Also why did Verdugo
cover you with canola oil?

So she must be behind it.

He's the only one who can truly
challenge me.

[Mike] Do you think I should
grow a mustache?

So shall doest die, a thousand
years ago!

Ah!

[Kevin] At least Verdugo had
fun doing this.

Cromwell just seems bitter.

(indistinct)

Why?

It's no tale.

I've stalked him for Zusia for
ten years.

Watching for signs of his
devilish work.

Your kingdom?

[Bill] Your your...YOUR
kingdom!

You call yours is truly yours
Cromwell.

[Mike] (smack like kiss noise)

My god there is a demon in our
midst.

And he is the leader of your
cause.

Now you tell us where he is.

And save us all.

[Kevin] Or so help me I'll
stand even closer.

Alright.

If I must lead this rebellion.

Very well.

[Bill] Now move a little
farther away, see if that helps.

Must be some, a mentor or an
advisor perhaps.

There is no one!

He may not look like a demon,
in human form

he can look like anyone.

But the traces of a serpent in
his face.

There is a jackal in his eyes..

[Mike] Is he talking about Box
Car Willy?

You're mad.

♪ ♪

Perhaps.

[Kevin] Ah! See!

Now they're getting along
working together, agreeing.

[Bill] It's nice.

Guys you want to sing "oh wee
oh" to pass the time?

No takers?

[Mike] Well if nothing else
they are

tremendous torch manufacturers.

[Kevin] Yep, they're fleeing
and diseased ridden
incompetent,

but they produce a bright long
lasting torch.

[Bill] And at a reasonable
price.

[Mike] Peasant uprising brand
torches.

Available at Sears,
(indistinct). and all Ace
hardware locations.

[Kevin] Oh!

Did we just witness the origin
of

I'm too old for this (bleep).

[Mike] I think so.

Save yourself.

I'll carry you, come on.

[Bill] Ah forget it.

The grunting is too much.

You're on your own gross old
man!

It's the only way to the
dungeon.

Yes my lord.

Don't call me that.

[Mike] My dad was my lord.

Please, call me Chet.

How much further is it?

Hidden entrance into the
dungeon, only a little further.

[Kevin] I will note that you
haven't asked me

about my grandchildren.

[Bill] Oh god.

How are your grandchildren?

[Kevin] I have none. I'm
barren.

What is it?

We're in here.

[Mike] What do you?

Is there?

Should I stop?

Who do you?

What time's

Is this the?

The meaning of life is?

Who shot the?

Where is the?

[Bill] Okay!

(screaming)

[Kevin] Yah.

Did we piss off Willard?

(music)

(screaming)

[Bill] Go friends!

Go invent a bunch of rat traps!

(crashing sounds)

[Mike] Come on!

This guy's a loser who happens
to stumble

upon open barrels of fuel oil.

(guys laugh)

[Kevin] Property brothers, is
that you?

[Bill] I think it's Run DMC
trying to find Aerosmith.

You go first.

[Mike] Anyway it doesn't
really matter because

the audience can't see
anything, so.

(footsteps)

[Kevin] (sniff sniff) Mmm.

They're dry aging something in
here.

Perhaps we should wait for you
here.

To guard the escape.

You do that.

[Bill] By the way, great torch.

[Mike] This movie's all in on
going through wall openings.

Quiet!

Want to get us caught?

There are guards everywhere!

[Kevin] Sorry head band guy.

Where are you going?

Or you'll die.

[Bill] Hey, good Scooby Doo
gulps!

Sets the tone for the gruesome
deaths to follow.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Ahhh!

Some sort of unseen fake
physical action!

♪ ♪

Ahh!

[Kevin] Hey!

Going through a wall opening!

Hooray!

(all guys) Hooray! Yay!

[Bill] And again.

YAY! (all guys)

♪ ♪

Ahhh!

[Mike] Ha ha ha!

Oh wait I'm sorry I meant, oh
ho ho ho.

[Kevin] Hello?

Anyone want to get comically
stabbed or

maybe punched in the balls?

Aghhh!

♪ ♪

[Bill] Agh!

We have to get a better system!

(music)

[Kevin] Oh yeah.

This is the music I play when I
unclog a toilet

on the very first try.

♪ ♪

Warrior?

[Mike] Come out and play?

Or?

It's me Rodrigo.

What the devil are you doing
here?

Cromwell's men were waiting for
us at the sewer opening.

They intend to crucify us
during tomorrow's feast.

I should let them.

Teach you a lesson.

[Bill] In fact I've agreed to
do the scourging beforehand.

Free everyone.

[Kevin] I'm too weak to move
but sure I'll do it.

Which one of these cells holds
Micah?

None.

They took him to Cromwell's
torture chamber.

Poor Micah.

[Mike] No, it's pronounced
Formica.

Man does it make a great
countertop.

They're not animals to grovel.

[Kevin] I am!

I'm half goat!

Oh.

Thank you!

[Kevin] Now if you'll excuse
me I'm due to say "Its"

on a British comedy show.

I was once Cromwell's
architect.

After I built this castle.

[Mike] Alright, alright alright.

I didn't ask for your life
story.

You built this place?

Oh yes!

They threw me in here five
years ago.

[Bill] Yeah I see why.

Get back in there!

The castle's secrets would
never be revealed.

What secrets?

Ohh.

Hidden passages.

Secret exits.

And more.

[Kevin] And the peep holes.

Oh the peep holes.

I want you to tell me all you
know.

Oh I will, I will.

[Mike] Please tell me that guy
becomes the main character,
please?

The dungeon guards are dead and
the prisoners are gone.

[Bill] Also it's a holiday so
there's no mail today.

Elizabeth.

You wait here.

Trust me.

[Kevin] I'm the villain in the
sword and sandal movie.

Trust me.

Kill everyone in the chamber,
now.

[Mike] You know just once I'd
like to give that order

and not be laughed at.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Her Edgar Winter hair
is the secret to her power.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Come!

Let's get you out of here and
into my sex dungeon.

Angel.

Save your strength.

[Mike] Oh did I say strength? I
meant stench, save your stench.

No!

[Bill] Gah!

Missed your weiner by a mile!

Give me one more try.

Use it or put it away.

[Kevin] Care for a Werther's
young man?

[Mike] Shh.

Will you stop offering me
Werthers you'll get us killed.

(footsteps)

[Bill] Relax fellas, it's just
a daily man ass delivery.

[Kevin] Ah don't let that
horrible old man touch me!

[Mike] I'm a respected
architect.

You did it.

What did you expect?

I owe you one.

I owe you sister Roseme.

Now go before it's too late.

[Bill] Is it your prostate?

[Kevin] No it's not my
prostate!

[Mike] Sexy women irritate him.

Well get going!

I'll stay.

We get out together or we die
together.

Come on then.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Gah!

A music sting!

There they are!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Oh no!

I'm the welcoming committee I
brought a fruit plate!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Mike] He has no fuel oil!

He's powerless!

♪ ♪

[Bill] It's easier to be a
swashbuckling hero when

your enemies are as effective
as uncoordinated garden slugs.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Ha ha!

I can't breath and I got a
compound fracture.

Ow!

♪ ♪

[Mike] Welcome to my chain
store.

Heh.

Oh wait those don't exist yet.

Dammit.

Oh I deserve that for my
terrible quip.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] (humming theme from
Raiders of the Lost Ark) Hello!

[Bill] Hey!

[Mike] Oh!

[Bill] Sorry about the glass
shards in my lips.

I'd love to stay but..

[Mike] I'm incredibly impotent.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Okay.

So now it's a whacky sexfest I
think it's just

about to turn into a
documentary about turtles.

[Bill] I have never seen Lee
Horsely looking so good.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Sorry I sat on the
remote.

I accidentally turned it to
Cinemax.

Yah!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Ha ha ha!

His children wills starve!

♪ ♪

(grunting)

Yah!

[Bill] You know you really root
for him

because um, he's uh, he's in
the movie.

(screaming)

[Mike] Did I fall into naked
women?

Oh bags of sheep testicles.

[Kevin] Ha ha ha!

My spine is leaking fluids and
I can't feel anything below my
pelvis!

Ah.

[Bill] The guys have burned a
burlap sack

in the basement of their castle.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Hmm.

Ah ha ha!

Source of fire!

Time to brand somebody to
death, noble Tallon.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] His hilarious
catchphrase?

Aghhh.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Be easier to find their
enemies if

they turned off that damn smoke
machine.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Oooh!

Where can I find unlimited
storehouses of fuel oil?

I've got vague enemies to
roast?

Come on!

This way!

[Kevin] Ah hah!

His walking foward, looking
smug theme.

Classic!

(music)

[Bill] Bugs Bunny had subtler
music.

Who dies first?

I'll be the first.

[Mike] I mean I just got my
taxes so I might as well.

Because it's you or the IRS,
am I right?

Don't act as if you don't know
who I am.

Zusia, it's your old friend.

Cromwell.

[Kevin] Sure we both remember.

But let's remind the audience,
they stopped paying attention.

[Bill] Yeah!

I mean Nooo!

Now we'll see how our sorcerer
fairs!

Against cold steel.

I'm no sorcerer.

I don't really test your steel.

Old friend.

[Mike] We're friends?

So can you help me move on
Saturday?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Kevin] God damn.

Should have taken my Cialis.

♪ ♪

[Bill] He heh.

I could be your personal chef?

Uh?

Maid?

No?

(screaming)

[Mike] Please.

The Minnesota Twins of royal
guards.

[Kevin] Uh.

The guy was squishier than I
thought.

(yelling)

[Bill] Twice in one night.

Actually doesn't happen to all
guys sometimes.

♪ ♪

Ahhhh!

[Mike] Sorry Gollom and his
fish!

[Kevin] We hates you!

[Bill] Jets versus Sharks.

Year One.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Hey!

No kicking in the upper pubis.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Fight choreography by
two octogenarians

at the senior center.

[Bill] Poor soundtrack is
trying to keep interested

but it's a losing battle.

Hah!

Ugh!

♪ ♪

[Mike] Ah, you went for a cape?

Smells like skunk gas!

I surrender!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Now this is also how
turtles fight.

Not Ninja turtles, just
regular turtles.

[Bill] Capone!

(water splashing)

[Mike] No!

My Iphone's in my pocket!

How dare you!

You and!

Please!

Forgive me, your majesty.

There is a mistake.

Zusia is right.

This man's no sorcerer!

[Kevin] He couldn't sorcer his
way out of a paper bag!

Zusia's cunning knows no bounds.

Have you forgotten what this
man has done to you?

You must be one of Zusia's
demons.

[Bill] With Zusia definitely
has and we all know that!

I mean no disrespect your
majesty.

I live only to serve the
greater glory of your name!

[Mike] Your name-Crumbwall.
[Kevin] It's Cromwell!

[Mike] Sorry, sorry.

Cromwell.

(indistinct)

[Bill] Now shall we skinny dip!

Throw that guy in a volcano or
something would you?

[Kevin] Paris.

Twenty ninety nine AD.

(rooster crows)

Nooo!

[Mike] I said don't sit on the
porcupine.

Easy my lord.

Your wounds must be cleansed.

(gasping)

[Kevin] Uh sir, the director
says take the

suffering down by about ninety
percent.

What happened to Alana?

She is to be married to
Cromwell tonight.

[Bill] There was talk of the
Wang Chunging as well my lord.

And the warrior?

Is to be crucified.

(gasping)

[Mike] Stop with the
suppositories back there!

(gasping)

I'm going tonight.

(indistinct)

[Kevin] Or with me, heavily
medicated of course!

We'll crush Cromwell, or die.

Go back into the castle?

Who us!

[Kevin] Who us?

True sir, true.

[Mike] Dr. Doom, embarrassed
brothel customer.

Mmmm.

Mmm.

Darius?

Darius?

[Kevin] Beta Will Ferrell
likes what he sees.

Well did you find him?

King has him in chains.

Good god.

What did he do now?

Have him with one of the king's
sluts?

It's not clear, they're being
executed tonight.

[Bill] Well this will only take
about fifteen seconds.

Nope!

Done already!

Mmmm.

Go! (indistinct)

Check the outside for
stragglers.

[Mike]I saw your hiney in
there.

I feel we can't get to him
Darius.

There must be a way to the
castle.

We might all perish.

Then you will Philip, and we
all die.

Many a time Tony saved our
skins if you've forgotten.

I just think we need more men.

You got it!

Who are you?

Captain Morgan.

[Bill] Hmm.

Looks different on the bottle.

How many are you.

We number only twenty, surely
not enough to aid you.

[Kevin] You forgot to comb my
wig.

Half the seadogs in this port
owe their lives to him

Now go!

[Mike] Before I switch accents
on you again.

(Kevin laughs)

See Phillip, you have so
little fame.

Now gather the men!

[Bill] Bad haircut is later?

[Kevin] You bet!

Look!

Look who just returned.

[Mike] The skank who walked off
with my scrunchie, good!

Cromwell set you free?

No I was saved!

By who?

I know not, but he risked all
for me.

This savior, did he have a
gauntlet of steel?

[Bill] Is a gauntlet
underpants?

You know him?

Aye.

All too well.

Damn his heart.

He goes for a hint of beef ends
up rescuing a king's wench.

[Kevin] Uh huh.

And forced us to fetch him.

He's been captured?

The lad will be crucified
tonight.

[Bill] That is so punk rock.

We can't let him die for us.

We must save him.

We will.

Let me go with you?

[Mike] DT's.

Sorry.

I know the way into castle.

Tell me the way.

I beg you,

let me lead you to him?

[Kevin] And I super beg you,
put on some shirts!

♪ ♪

Take a sword then.

[Bill] Fine,

I'll carry the stupid thing.

We should never have followed
that bitch in here.

Quiet!

It was those landlubbers that

threw us in this trap.

[Mike] And skipped over a big
story point.

(Kevin laughs)

Until your lousy head falls
off.

If he's battling between us,
you be swimming in deserts!

When we get out of here I
intend to settle this.

Anyway you choose!

[Kevin] Oh!

Threw a slipper at him!

Boy prison is rough.

(men cheering)

[Bill] Food fight!

Using our own poop instead of
food!

(music)

[Mike] Oh. WWE wrestler making
his ring entrance

got lost along the way.

(men cheering)

[Kevin] Who's going to simonize
my scalp today?

What's on your mind?

Tittidid.

[Kevin] That hurts, I won't
lie.

Cromwell sends you a bargain.

Out of the goodness of his
heart.

Cromwell's goodness?

Silence you black dog!

[Mike] Is that a Led Zepplin
song?

Now tell me who sent you to
invade this castle?

And I'll be merciful.

(indistinct chattering)

[Kevin] Wow.

Good crowd tonight.

[Bill] They're going to love
his slave ship food jokes.

♪ ♪

(woman whimpers)

[Mike] You guys are in for a
real treat.

We do a little number together.

[Kevin] John Travolta in
Staying Alive?

No!

These two have nothing to say!

So I cut out their tongues.

Now speak, while you still
have yours!

[Mike] You're not funny!

♪ ♪

Tell me who sent you here?

Or I'll skin her before your
very eyes.

[Bill] No!

Not the woman you'll have to
assume means a lot to me

for reasons you haven't been
told!

(whimpering)

♪ ♪

(screams)

[Bill] Ahh ha!

They killed the lady who again
you'll just

have to fill it in yourself.

It's important to me you mostly
unknown character!

(whimpering)

[Kevin] Brave man, risking the
bald guy's back sweat.

Aggh!!

♪ ♪

[Mike] Oh.

The death of blast hard cheese.

(whimpering)

[Bill] (sighs) She meant
everything to me.

Whoever I or she am.

You'll just have to go with me
on this!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Anyway the prison
cafeteria will be

having taco Tuesday tonight.

It's build your own.

Mariachi music, little paper
Mexican hats.

Think you guys will really
enjoy it.

Heh.

Okay see you later.

I hear the four kings, one
thousand nights.

But only two can accompany
each king to the feast.

[Mike] Sir exposition, talks
off screen.

Once we have assassinated
kings, Cromwell will exchange
his vows.

We can send out armies to sweep
across the continent

to consolidate our power.

[Bill] Hey can someone point a
camera at me?

I'm saying important things!

Thank you.

Geez.

Where's Cromwell?

[Kevin] Hey I like your
muffler!

He is preoccupied.

He has given me charge of his
army until further notice.

[Mike] Oh he's a medieval
Alexander Haig.

Let us finish with this.

[Kevin] Ooops.

I'm bored already.

General Thogan, my knights will
seal off the exits from the
feast.

No one will get out.

[Bill] Unless they're wearing a
blanket on their head.

General Rombolt, when the
signal is given

my arches will kill everyone at
the feast.

[Mike] We'll call it the red
wedding.

[Bill] Uh day of getting
married.

You shall see to it.

That all the king's bodyguards
are dead,

before the assassinations begin.

(burp) [Kevin] I mean yes.

What is the signal?

When Alana gives her vows.

[Bill] Vows?

That's dirty I think.

All the nobility, the king's
four empires,

wiped out, in one swoop.

[Kevin] My blanket agrees.

Cromwell is a genius.

[Mike] I get the same look when
people call Neil Purt a genius.

♪ ♪

In three hours time one man
will control

the entire civilized world.

[Bill] Will I still get my
accumulated PTO?

♪ ♪

Their royal majesties!

(indistinct)

(indistinct)

♪ ♪

[Kevin] King Lear sends his
regrets.

He is going mad on a heath
somewhere.

(indistinct chattering).

[Mike] This was before
renfests went commercial and

totally sold out to big mutton
man.

(cheering)

[Bill] Hey can we get some hors
d' oeuvres over here?

[Kevin] Jim Cavesil watches
this and says "Ha. Pussies".

(cheering)

[Bill] Hmm.

Yeah we kind of guessed there's
a matching one.

Yep.

Thanks though.

(laughing and cheering)

[Mike] I dropped a grape in my
diaper!

Ha ha ha!

[Kevin] Ugh.

It's one of those diaper grape
parties!

Ugh.

(cheering)

[Bill] Touchdown!

(indistinct chattering)

[Mike] I say does that chap
know he's being crucified?

[Kevin] You could tell I'm
wearing a wig!

Looks like him.

[Bill] Where's my banana
daquiri?!

(chattering)

[Mike] This is the guy who
played Magnum PI right?

Last I heard he was chief to
one of the black tribes.

Who began to overthrow some..

Throw their heads to Cromwell.

[Kevin] PETA immediately
boycotts this movie.

There'd be no kingdoms at all
if it weren't for him.

They'd kill them all.

Let it be.

[Bill] Wait.

How do they feel about the
death of the blonde woman?

I must know!

(chattering)

[Mike] Sadly, it would appear
this party

has no hope of getting crunk.

(drum sounds)

[Kevin] Ugh. This crown my neck
hurts already.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Hey folks!

You all enjoying our crucified
guy or what?!

(chanting) Cromwell!

Cromwell!

Cromwell!

[Mike] Snack well!

Sorry, Cromwell!

(chanting)

[Kevin] Cromwell's outfit was
called gaudy by Liberace.

(chanting) Cromwell!

Cromwell!

[Bill] You look great!

Cromwell!

[Mike] I'm only a certified
public accountant sir.

[Kevin] Look, just get me
hitched, dammit.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Um, this is not the
entrance music

I requested for my future wife?

Where is Cherry Pie?

[Mike] Oh. How embarrassing.

Accidentally put on my sexy
serving wench Halloween costume.

Instead of my wedding dress!

[Kevin] Uh whoever's playing
the spoons, could you stop?

Kind of ruining the mood.

Join hands.

[Bill] Mo edge!

(speaking Latin)

[Mike] Um me plurbis, una
expeto, petronim,

ilta ute, artpay, farfegnigen.

[Kevin] Chandelier from pier
666 imports.

(speaking Latin in background)

[Bill] Um, his elbows were at
right angles before.

[Mike] This is what happens
when producers

don't spring for a crucifixion
continuity guy!

[Kevin] Orange is the new Black
has taken a dark turn this
season.

A dark but sexy turn!

Heh he he.

[Bill] Uh.

I think we got the wrong
address for the slave Leah
contest?

Who is here to help the
barbarian with the gauntlet of
steel?

Who are you?

Never mind.

The barbarian is to be killed
any moment.

We must save him.

Unlock this door wench and
leave that to us!

[Mike] Thanks lady, we'll
return the favor and

not slobber and paw at you.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Stop handing me swords.

My weapon is devastating
sarcasm.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] So Sword passing then.

[Mike] Yep lots of it.

[Bill] Pretty much.

One hell of a fight!

For Tallon!

[Kevin] For Tallon!

The best damn claw for a bird
of prey ever!

Yeah!

[Bill] Hamlet's workshop.

Cool.

[Mike] He gets to sharpen his
sword and get a thigh toning
workout.

[Kevin] Yeah see never do a
photoshoot with Terry
Richardson.

Don't worry you little girl.

Heh.

It won't hurt until I hit the
bones.

Heh heh.

[Bill] Exactly what my
chiropractor said to me.

Including calling me little
girl.

(screams)

♪ ♪

[Mike] I do this to avenge the
woman that I

who you don't really know,
apparently love.

Though you'd also be forgiven
for not knowing that at all!

In any case, vengeance!

[Kevin] You know he really
should have stopped

pumping thing with his legs.

[Bill] Yeah intent on shapely
thighs to the bitter horrible
end.

Do you Titus Cromwell.

[Mike] Skip ahead!

[Kevin] Not funny!

[Bill] We want Barabas!

Your queen, the mother of your
children,

[Mike] Kids?

Sure as long as I don't have
to meet them.

Repeat after me.

[Kevin] My head's warm but my
torso is freezing.

[Bill] Some people really don't
want to tip their servers.

Do you, Alana, daughter of the
Lord, Mogolum, the last heir..

[Mike] Can even get a couple of
lousy thieves to talk to up
here?

[Kevin] This fall the gospel of
Matthew was

reimagined by Quentin Taratino.

[Mike] Clinking a glass to get
them to kiss

has got to be awkward with him
right there.

(priest speaking in background)

[Bill] Time to punish the
people who bought gifts

that weren't on the registry.

Agh!

[Mike] I'm Batman!

(Kevin laughs)

Be your groom, your lover,

[Kevin] This is what my wife
looked like by minute nineteen

of the best man's speech.

father of your children?

[Bill] Hmm. Makes me glad I
claim to be celibate.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Wow.

This is still better than
going to a wedding without an
open bar.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Must receive high five,
can't be left, hanging.

Aggh!

[Bill] Everybody knows it's
bad luck if

the crucified guy asphyxiates
before the garter toss!

♪ ♪

[Mike] We're told there'd be
tableside guac!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Already dreading the
thank you notes.

[Bill] I can

(indistinct)

♪ ♪

[Mike] Going to go serve meat
at a Brazilian steakhouse.

Ahhhhhh!

(screaming)

[Kevin] Were the crotch nails
really necessary?!

(music)

[Bill] Dozens of medieval
Benjamin Braddocks burst in

to try to stop the wedding.

(yelling)

[Mike] Hmm.

Pretty much captures what it's
like to drink Captain Morgan.

[Kevin] So a guy getting half
his face cut off sounds

exactly like a champagne
corking.

Good to know.

[Bill] Here's a hand.

That wasn't quip Dammit.

Get down here and rescue and
me!

(screaming, sound of swords)

[Mike] Mel Gibson starts booing
and is escorted

from the theatre.

Small world your majesty.

[Kevin] That's his quip?

No "What's stigmata you?"

(screaming)

[Bill] A lot of people are
dying horribly yet

the music suggests that the
smurfs

are going berry picking.

[Mike] Meanwhile Cromwell's
furiously calling the

crucifix rental company to

demanding at least a partial
cancel.

[Kevin] The modern wedding
equivalent of this chaos is the

photo booth running out of
mustaches on sticks for people.

(indistinct yelling)

[Bill] I've smuggled out my
portion of the pot roast.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] All the excitement of
watching

from your van.

But not being allowed to go
near them because

evidently yelling dragon then
eating all the

pizza is a jailable offense.

[Mike] Still bitter, huh Kevin?

[Kevin] Yes!

(sound of swords)

[Bill] Something tells me the
Moose lodge will not

be refunding the damage
deposit on this one.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Gentleman please!

The bridesmaids want to take a
picture of themselves

doing the Charlie's Angels pose.

[Kevin] Trader Vic's Scorpion
bowl suffered heavy casualties
that day.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Now don't forget.

He pried a five inch railroad
spike out

of each hand forty seconds ago.

[Mike] The bone and tendon in
his hands weren't cerated

in multiple places, he'd really
be kicking ass.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Now he's wandered into

a cover shoot for a Man of War
album.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] (singing) Happy
birthday dear Cromwell

Happy birthday to you!

(screaming)

[Mike] Guess I tripped on your
sword or something!

♪ ♪

[Bill] And low talented stage
dive into the pit of ye olde
Coachella.

And verily it was totally
sweet.

I put your army on alert.

They have seven days.

They await your presence.

Well that's quite a set up,
assuming something might go
wrong.

I live only to serve you, your
majesty.

[Kevin] I'm not so sure.

With your army ready to stroke

We shall yet crush these rebel
dogs.

[Mike] Check it out.

Just stabbed the Flash.

This won't take but a moment.

Man thou art the devil!

(music)

Ahhhh!

[Bill] Damn foam China swords!

(screaming)

♪ ♪

[Kevin] Oh that hairnet
girlfriend.

Is this your wedding or are
serving cafeteria fish sticks?

Hmm.

The rebellion is finally over.

Yes.

Let's get you to safety.

[Mike] Tallon has been pinned
and...Oh my!

This is highly unorthodox.

Finish the dog!

[Kevin] Yeah I got kicked out of

a theatre for shouting that
during Old Yeller.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Hooray!

It's those guys!

And they're getting those
other guys!

Yay!

(Kevin laughs)

You go off that!

Go!

[Mike] Wait.

First let me see if I can fit
this salami through your hand.

(yelling)

♪ ♪

[Kevin] And to accompany the
bloodshed in this scene,

the music from a moment a
cartoon character discovers

the true meaning of Christmas.

[Bill] Sword fighting.

A televised baci ball of
fitness.

(yelling)

[Mike] Hey, I didn't miss
dancing to Shout up there? Did
I?

[Kevin] Kidnapping a princess
doesn't seem quite

as creepy when Bouzer is doing
it.

(hissing sounds)

[Bill] I'm shocked that going
into the

reptile filled dungeon turned
out badly.

What are you doing?

We await Cromwell.

Why?

[Mike] Oh good lord. Do I need
to get the word

Evil tattooed on my wang?

My. Micah.

Micah, He is dead.

[Kevin] Three words that have
inspired cheers

ever since Paranormal Activity.

No!

No!

The rebellion is dead.

I am the power!

[Bill] At least until Susie
Derkins asked for her hair back!

You can be part of it, or a
victim of it.

The choice is yours.

[Mike] Well, victim is always
intriguing.

(sighing)

♪ ♪

[Kevin] My I've never noticed
how sexy your (gags)

Sorry just threw up.

I've wanted you for a long time.

You are the strength.

You are the power.

[Bill] That's what I said when

I met Jared from Subway.

You are wiser than I thought.

[Mike] Perhaps you can tell me
how many licks

it takes to get to the center
of Tootsie pop.

You've obeyed my every wish,
every command.

I'll always obey you.

Obey this!

(smack)

[Kevin] What the hell?

Do you keep Pinnochio down
there or something?

[Bill] But my groin kneeing..

See thou.

What I am truly am!

[Mike] Hairless from the neck
down!

[Kevin] Ooo.

Yeah the Giants kept the patch
kit in the dugout for

when this happened to Barry
Bonds.

[Bill] Yeah, his mom warned him
this would happen if he didn't
stop.

You know.

Sorcerering his Sword.

♪ ♪

[Mike] The dangers of tanning
beds.

Graphic.

[Kevin] Golden Corral's even
newer slogan.

♪ ♪

[Bill] If Matrushka dolls were
designed by Quar.

[Mike] Ooo.

I would give anything for a
flashback

that shows him buying that wig.

(growling)

[Kevin] Okay ripping up my
vocal chords may have been
overkill.

(growling)

Ah!

[Bill] I knew it!

She's really a terminator.

[Kevin] She's not a terminator.

(growling)

Ahh!

[Mike] Oh how could my
betraying the

all powerful demon have
backfired?

(screaming)

[Kevin] Ah hah!

I escaped!

Ha ha ha!

Oh maybe not.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Say if you're not going
to be using that

wig anymore I've been thinking
of trying a new look.

(hissing)

[Mike] Hey baby.

You'd look fine in my crotch
to me.

Ahh! Ahhh!

(growling)

(indistinct)

(indistinct)

♪ ♪

I have no quarrel with you.

[Bill] Yeah he seems like a
great guy.

(Kevin laughs)

Out of my way.

(indistinct)

Now it's a quarrel.

[Mike] He keeps up that choke
move he may also

have a quarrel with Darth
Vader lawyers.

[Bill] I have to be honest I
don't have much of a plan here.

(high pitched noise)

[Bill] David Carradine was
devastated that he didn't

land the role of Tallon.

[Mike] Wore out his VHS copy
watching the scene at home
though.

[Kevin] A Hee man would always
to put up with

stuff like this when porco had
too much to drink.

[Mike] (growling) Where are you
going with this?

I see no cause.

(indistinct)

[Kevin] Ow!

This comes out of nowhere!

[Mike] There's snakes out there
this big?

[Kevin] Huh.

Well, thanks for taking care
of old grunty for me.

Is it just me, or was that guy
kind of a dick huh?

Heh heh.

Wise sword.

[Bill] Hard to make that out
but I believe

he said "How in the name of God
are you still alive?!"

♪ ♪

(sword sounds)

[Mike] Ah, damn store brand
projectile sword blade refills.

[Kevin] So hard to find a good
no run blood mascara.

♪ ♪

It is finished.

[Bill] Winner gets the win.

♪ ♪

Ahhh!

[Mike] Ah.

Hooray.

More swashbuckling adventure in
a land of fantasy.

[Kevin] You know they consulted
with Olympic fencing gold
medalist

Charles Hatham for this scene.

Of course, he won in 1904 and
death was forty three years.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Some guys chained up
down there trying

to do that to read the paper.

Hey keep your sparks up, they
really help me see better!

(swords sound)

[Mike] The director looked at
the fights in Roadhouse

and said "Nah. Too graceful".

[Kevin] Hey!

How could this happen?

My sword was forged from pure,
Mothrill?

Dammit.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Ah hah!

I have a hidden sword that I
wouldn't have needed

if the main sword wasn't
substantially weakened

by being hollow!

Aghh!

♪ ♪

[Mike] Ah hah!

My sword also has laughable
concealed technology

that wouldn't work for second
if you really think about it.

[Kevin] Now he pulls off both
those switchblades

to reveal tiny cross bows
underneath.

♪ ♪

[Bill] Whenever you guys have a
free minute, or

(whimpering)

[Kevin] Whoa!

I guess her mix a lot law the
anaconda DID

want some ergo she has buns hon.

[Bill] Charlie Brown's logical
reaction to repeated

trick or treat disappointments.

♪ ♪

(swords)

(screaming)

[Bill] Take that!

[Mike] Oh suddenly I'm pretty
much wolverine by the way.

Yahhh!

♪ ♪

[Kevin] There's something I
ought to tell you.

I'm not left handed.

You know I should have brought
that up here.

Who are you?

Tallon.

Son of Richard.

[Bill] Not to be confused with
any of the countless

other Tallons out there.

[Mike] Awww.

Don't die.

I've got like nineteen more
blades hidden on me.

Christopher Walken won.

(woman screaming)

Aghhh!

♪ ♪

(hissing)

[Kevin] Disney's Robin Hood
would be a very different movie

if little John did that to Sir
Hiss.

Aggh!

♪ ♪

[Mike] Ahhh!

My beautiful wickedness!

Uh intimidating but beautiful.

♪ ♪

[Kevin] So.

What do you think about getting
me your butt double's phone
number?

♪ ♪

[Bill] Okay folks, put your
hands together

for the father daughter dance.

Folks?

[Mike] Uh oh.

Why was the main course
pharaoh?

Why would anyone eat pharaoh
when steak exists?

[Kevin] Yeah this was the
atmosphere when I sat

in the studio audience of The
George Lopez Show.

[Bill] Not as bloody though.

[Kevin] Oh no.

[Bill] Turns out watching the
throne is

not as exciting as Jay Z and
Kanye made it seem.

(clanking)

[Mike] Ah!

Sentian crowns!

Why the long faces?

Good god, you've snatched the
kingdom!

[Kevin] Now let's go humiliate
some serfs!

Tallon!

Tallon!

Tallon!

[Bill] Yeah I've heard better
chants from people waiting

for an Ihop to open.

Tallon!

Tallon!

Tallon!

(chanting)

[Mike] You've earned it.

You who got tortured.

And all that goes with it.

[Kevin] The immediate genocide
he ordered shocked everyone.

We have some business to attend
to?

That we do.

[Bill] Bleaching everywhere
that snake touched right?

♪ ♪

[Mike] Many of our friends were
disemboweled

but Tallon's doing something
roguish hooray!

So the debt's been paid hey
general?

Aye.

[Kevin] Ah crap.

The debt.

Knew I came back here to do
something.

Be right back!

Now to Maladon!

To save Lamosta's kingdom!

[Bill] And they're infested
with Gone, Buri-Gones.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Hey!

It's um, um.

[Kevin] Um, yeah.

[Mike] Neat shirt and sword
fight back there.

Join up!

I want to ride with you.

[Kevin] Provided we are of
course riding dirty!

Well then, let's be off.

♪ ♪

There's a battle in the
offing.

A kingdom to save and women to
love!

[Bill] Exciting new venereal
disease to contract and spread!

[Mike] Hands to amputate due
to rapidly festering spike
wounds.

[Kevin] So seriously does
anyone remember where we left
the boats?

♪ ♪

[Bill] Oh crap.

Lion King's about to start
guys.

♪ ♪

[Mike] Tales of the Ancient
Empire was later

retitled, "Tallon and a
cancellation of his

next adventure due to massive
disinterest in his first
adventure"

[Kevin] Folks, if you happen
to come across this

somewhere other than on our
site, please go to

Rifftrax so we can
keep doing what we do.

[Bill] If not we'll literally
crucify you!

Well, your butt double!

[Bill] We won't crucify you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[Music continues through end of
credits]

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