Rifftrax: No Retreat, No Surrender (2015) - full transcript

It's time for RiffTrax!

RiffTrax! And it's not an easy job.

They watch movies and they make up jokes about them.

Tell their jokes to microphones.

Put the jokes into a file. On a secret server

deep beneath a mountain. Protected by a dragon.

Who you gonna get to riff those tracks?

I don't ever pick tracks where the riffs are missing.

Why you always got pick RiffTrax?

Only RiffTrax picks all the tracks worth riffing.

It's your lucky day. It's time for RiffTrax!



[Bill] Hmm. Okay I think our logo design is complicated enough.

No we don't really need that. Uh. Oh come on! (Mike laughs)

Lines! [Kevin] Fancy.

[Mike] Seasonal film corporation.

Unnecessarily restricting the time of year we make movies

for no damn reason at all, since 1951.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Seasonal Film presents Winnepeg. City on the move!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Huh. They set Winnepeg in LA.

[Bill] I don't Gah. Shheeh.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Musso and Franks? Can I get a steak?



Oh. Hate eating at Karate.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] If you don't appreciate this title

you were not born in the USA.

[Mike] Right.

[Kevin] What? No no. I'm just sick of the illegals. Coming into

this country and not respecting our movie titles.

[Mike] Ahh. Geez.

(indistinct in background)

(indistinct in background)

[Bill] H & R Block! Hah!

[Mike] Wait? [Bill] It is tax season.

(indistinct in background)

[Kevin] Wow. Teacher has a whole jacket made out of black belts.

(indistinct in background)

[Bill] Sugarfoot named for his famous

habit of storing candy in his shoes.

(indistinct in background)

[Kevin] JCVD as Ivan, the Belgian Russian.

(indistinct in background)

One step sparring.

[Mike] This can't be karate. Why aren't they

standing with one leg up looking like dorky birds?

[Kevin] Or doing repetitive chores for an eccentric janitor?

[Bill] Yeah or farting around with little bonsai trees.

[Mike] It makes no sense.

[Kevin] Red belt means you're in love

with your opponent, right?

(indistinct in background)

(slaps)

[Bill] Even the me underwear guy from

The Room is embarrassed for this kid.

Jason, what are you doing?

One step's in sync.

[Mike] Ha. Mustache dude in the back says I can

out ham you even from here kid. (Kevin laughs)

Now get with the program okay?

Yes Sensei.

Everybody, continue!

[Kevin] Mustache dude act your age dammit.

[Bill] Hoo.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hmm. Looks like some hotshot professional

movie riffers just pulled up. Ready to show off their wealth and power.

Made myself sad.

♪♪♪

[Mike] There he is. Jean Claude Van Damme as Ivan the Scottsman.

[Kevin] Russian. Yeah.

Dismissed.

[Kevin] Enjoy the Dragon Sound concert tonight kids. (Mike laughs)

(Bill hums)

Okay, okay, okay.

[Mike] No retreat, no surrender. No money to

replace this crappy old panel.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Excuse me while I light my El Producto.

Did you think over our proposal Mr Stillwell?

Yes I did.

And I'm sorry you came all the way from New York.

[Mike] But we don't need any motivational cat posters.

I don't want to waste any more of your time.

Meaning?

Meaning I must decline your offer.

If money's the problem

[Kevin] We'll do a Kickstarter. It's perfect since you start

a lot of kicks here. Right? Huh?!

I won't join.

♪♪♪

Your organization.

[Bill] That's what I keep telling the

CVS Extra Care Rewards program.

Then my superiors will be quite insulted.

I understood I had a choice in the matter.

Are you that naive Mr. Stillwell?

[Mike] I'm over here.

An example must be made.

You see?

This will solve nothing.

Perhaps it'll prove instructive for others with the same ideas.

I will not fight.

[Bill] Hoo! Them's fighting words.

(slapping)

Karate is not to be used aggresively.

But If I have no other choice.

[Kevin] Then Ron Silver and I shall fight.

(drums pounding)

[Mike] They're showing concern.

(slapping)

(slapping)

[Bill] Wow look at the trophy cases in back.

He must be a great bowler. (Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] Is this making you reconsider our offer?

[Bill] Well it's a compelling argument. Why don't you beat up

my lawyer on Monday? We'll see what he says.

(slapping)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Ha! Just defended injured friend by using

him as your trampoline.

(screaming)

(screaming) [Bill] Damn you Ivan the Argentinian!

[Kevin] Russian?

[Bill] What, really?

You bastards!

[Mike] Think of how many chair umps fantasized

about doing this to John McEnroe over the years. (Kevin laughs)

[Bill] Give us some hair. Ow!

We'll be back with the contract Mr Stillwell.

Until then.

Get some rest.

[Kevin] And eat healthy. And remember to stop and

smell the roses. Oh sorry! Am I overdoing sarcasm?

(screaming)

[Bill] Whoa. Doesn't look like he's on fire. But that's

the only conceivable reason for a scream like that.

We'll get them. We'll make them pay.

(breathing heavily)

It's over. (Kevin laughs)

Fighting them is not the answer.

What is the answer?

[Mike] The answer is retreating and surrendering. clearly.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] (sobs) That bed pan disaster

will haunt my dreams forever.

That killer.

It was Krishinsky the Russian.

[Bill] In the Billiard Room with the candle stick.

They want all the major dojo's as

fronts for the organized crime.

I know they'll be back.

What should I do?

I can't lose my family.

[Mike] Or can I? Oh yeah, they're not so great.

There's nothing else to do.

But leave.

[Bill] Go ahead Sherman Oaks. Slap another

Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in there.

We know you want to!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Headed back to Appalachia. Teach karate to the hillbillies.

[Mike] Black belt pillies. Tonight on TLC.

♪♪♪

[Bill] A Christopher Cross song keeps

threatening to start but doesn't.

[Kevin] (singing Sailing) Well it's not far down to paradise.

[Bill] But doesn't.

[Kevin] The wind. [Bill] Stop it!

[Kevin] Sail away?

♪♪♪

[Mike] Saskatoon. City of industry.

[Kevin] Yeah. Soon as you pass that sign your

shirt magically turns into plaid flannel.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] I think they accidentally came back to Sherman Oaks.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Well. Welcome to Seattle guys.

Home of clear blue skies and dry lawns.

♪♪♪

This is it ladies and gentlemen. Last stop.

Yes ma'am!

[Mike] Thanks for driving our car lady. Most strangers turn us down.

Let me help you with that.

That's it.

Alright.

Jason, quit screwing around and get to work.

[Kevin] I don't like dad's new bitter Tiny Tim Shtick.

Jason! Come here and help me with these things!

[Bill] Stop helping with those things and help with these things,

is his parents basic message.

[Mike] Yeah but with an underlying note of (bleep) you Jason.

(Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] Can't believe mom and dad didn't notice

that we're pulling this giant UHaul full of drugs!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Finally a chance to dump mom's

Precious Moments figurines at Goodwill.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Oh well. Hello six hobos living in here. Oop.

Sorry, seven. you two were having sex. you just looked like

one old naked guy. anyway you're welcome to stay, no problem.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Too soon to hang myself? Nah, I don't see

this life going anywhere good.

(punching)

[Bill] He is ready to take on any disembodied head

dangling from a string.

[Mike] Technique was developed by Mr. Bean. (Kevin laughs)

[Bill] Oh I know karate.

[Kevin] Okay grandma ready to be unpacked?

♪♪♪

[Bill] Guys I believe this is what these modern kids

of the 1980s refer to as fresh.

[Kevin] No. Yeah check me out dude!

[Mike] I have far lamer basketball skills than most kids my age, yo!

♪♪♪

Hey nice moves.

Hey thanks. My name's Rj. How you doing?

[Kevin] Okay are we trapped in an anti drug PSA?

Rayfer Jefferson Madison the Third.

[Bill] Hollywood in the 70s and 80s.

Where every black person had an old president's name.

No we just came for the weekend. We travel light.

That's good.

I was afraid the property values were going down.

Well I'll tell my dad not to worry.

Uh can I give you a hand with any of this?

Yeah sure, we can always use some help.

[Mike] Forgot to give him a tshirt that says "I am a fat guy".

Hey dude. Remind me next time

not to lend out my services so fast. Alright?

Bruce Lee freak.

[Kevin] That should go on my Grinder profile.

Why me?

Yes. Hmm.

[Bill] He's beating ball on a string now but

after ball on a string's cool training montage,

ball on a string vanquishes all comers.

Sting like a bee! No, no no.

That's not how you do it. Dodge it.

[Mike] Now add some other people

for the perfect gym class nerd torment game.

Look at you! Dodge it!

Again!

Whoa!

[Kevin] Oh damn! I'm a professional nose model!

Come over here and let me show you something else alright.

Hey what is this?

It's a wooden man. and it's used for like

blocking and punching techniques. Watch.

[Bill] Careful I saw my uncle beat up by a coat rack like that.

Ahh is that it? [Bill] Well maybe it wasn't a coat rack.

Might have been a guy wearing a coat.

What's this?

Ha ha ha.

♪♪♪

Well I dance a bit and now I'm really quick.

[Mike] Ladies and gentlemen we are

witnessing the birth of hip hop.

And its quick and brutal death.

[Kevin] A year later actual hip hop was born after

everyone made sure this guy wasn't in the room

I'll rock to the beat. Watch my feet!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(Mike laughs)

[Bill] That move right there is the first thing you learn at rap school.

Yeah first year only has a 41% survival rate.

Are you okay? Yeah.

[Kevin] Boogaloo Shrimp watches in disgust.

[Bill] He's not even named for a crustacean.

Not bad!

Hey! (indistinct)

This dancing machine.

What gives anyway?

You know, old houses and all.

[Mike] And idiots who put all their weight

on unstable shelving and all.

Three years.

Oh then you must be pretty good.

I've got some friends who have been doing it for about

two years and one's even a second degree black belt.

I'm not a black belt yet.

What are you in?

A special slow learners program or what?

[Kevin] Achieve excellence immediately or quit? What the hell is wrong with you?

Just like him.

Hey I hear he's buried in Seattle. Do you know where?

Yeah. I'll take you there tomorrow.

Alright!

[Bill] We'll dig him up and taking funny pictures with his remains.

[Mike] Alright.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] The pictures say Bruce Lee but the music says Flashdance.

[Bill] (singing) He's a maniac! Maniac! In his garage.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Wonder if he'd really need a piece of equipment that

specialized when there are a lot of perfectly good trees around.

♪♪♪

Ah!

[Bill] (laughs) Oh so that thing just beat him?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Meanwhile ball on a string

is looking on laughing "Heh heh I'm next pal!"

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Oh. He's learning the ancient karate wisdom. That when

you hit your shin against something hard, well, kind of hurts.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Whoa whoa whoa. Kid I was kidding.

You won't hurt your old pal

ball on a string will you now?

Ah ha eat it you whelp!

That's what happens when you mess with ball on a string.

[Kevin] Whoa, the rare quadruple chin.

Go ahead. Make my day.

[Bill] Ah Clint Eastwood please stop spraying the hose

Could have sworn I just heard Clint Eastwood out here

What are you doing?!

Out here messing around?

[Mike] (laughs) He learned his lines four words at a time.

How many times have I given you something to do

only to catch you goofing off?

If I catch you doing this just one more time.

[Kevin] Lots of face mugging in this film

Someone tell these guys we're making a silent movie.

Get to work!

I'm going!

Ha. Ugh.

Gotta work Just gotta work.

Treating me like a stepson.

You know what? You know what?

[Mike] Well no. He did a little dance. I hope he's not

about to make a little love.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Stupid other people. Existing and all.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Bastard. Flaunting his less than forty four inch waist.

♪♪♪

Ahh!

[Bill] Ahh! I'm ripping my skin off!

Agh greasy fat sweat all over me!

I'd rather have my skin ripped off.

I told you you couldn't run away forever.

You and that Bruce Lee freak!

Aghh!

[Mike] Most vicious fat guy nose biting

scene since Chris Farley and the Saigon Whore.

♪♪♪

(indistinct screaming)

[Kevin] Look out! Back to the Future rip off coming through!

♪♪♪

(applause)

♪♪♪

Hey come on big boy!

If you think you've got the heart!

Come on big boy! Jump it!

You know you can do it. You can do it.

[Mike] (laughs) Construction workers. Known for their

nurturing encouragement.

♪♪♪

(crashing)

[Kevin] Still can't believe he beat out Peter O'Toole for

the Oscar this year.

Next time we meet buddy!

I'm gonna beat you up so bad your mother

won't even recognize you!

[Bill] Ah. He's gonna ask the wooden rack

thing he punches to the prom.

Yo Kimosabee.

Thought we said ten o'clock RJ? Where have you been?

Oh this new girl. She wouldn't let me leave.

Save it for the National Enquirer.

[Mike] Yeah joke's on Jason. RJ's banging bat boy's mom.

But hey! You wouldn't believe what she can do with.

Shut up and get in the car.

You want me to drive?

You know the way don't you?

[Kevin] And a young Bob Uber gets a germ of an idea.

(doors close)

♪♪♪

[Bill] The 1968 Ford LTD wagon.

With room for 116 passengers, two tank battalions

and six Harrier jets. Seat belts, optional

[Mike] Mixed The Exorcist theme for the 80s

and called it Totally Tubular Bells.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Jason's dad said, "I'm gonna get me

a car uglier than the Griswold's big green family truckster."

[Bill] Okay and none of this "I'm coming to get you Barbara" crap!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Green Yamo's buried two rows over.

My name is Jason Stillwell and I just moved here from Los Angeles.

[Bill] I'm here to severely overrate In and Out Burger at you.

I'm a martial artist too.

And I want to be like you someday.

I practice what you teach, and I've read everything about you.

That's how I knew that these were your favorite flowers.

[Mike] I'll eat them if you want me to.

Please give the courage and strength.

To stand up for what I believe.

Thank you sensei Lee.

[Kevin] James Michner scoffs at that puny little book.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Peele struggled before he met Key.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Wait a minute. That's Roy Orbison.

[Bill] (singing) I'm so tired of being dead!

Alright, alright alright.

Dig in. Eat until it hurts! It's on me!

[Kevin] This is what those three hundred guys meant by

tonight we dine in hell. (Bill laughs)

(Mike laughs)

Thanks for the lunch Scott. This is great.

Oh no problem

Hmm! Stick with me kids!

You'll never go hungry.

[Mike] I did wonders for Scarlett O'Hara.

(burps)

♪♪♪

[Bill] Just wandering through fast

food parking lots like I always do.

What's the matter Scott?

[Mike] Yep this is how I spend my days.

Just that slime ball RJ!

Why do you hate that kid so much?

I've got my reasons.

[Bill] Okay I'm a racist.

Come here.

Just keep him from going anywhere.

That's all I ask.

Alright.

[Kevin] Why do I taste metal?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Well. Peewee!

[Mike] Bike's not for sale Frances.

Looks like you don't have anywhere else to run.

Do ya?

Yeah. It does look that way!

♪♪♪

Get him!

[Bill] Beat him unconscious and there's an extra

bag of curly fries in it for you!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

You scared boss?

[Kevin] With that guy's side rat tail? Hell yes!

You'd better be.

Because you've got no where else to run.

(crashing)

[Mike] The biggest fast food brawl since Dave Thomas

kicked Arthur Treacher's ass in a Wendy's parking lot.

(indistinct)

[Bill] They're still serving the Mc DLT!

♪♪♪

Jase!

Hey RJ!

Who's the lard ass?

Beat it Brucey!

[Kevin] I'm a proud gator!

Go home and play with your wooden dolly!

Take a walk fat boy.

You stay out of this or you're gonna get hurt.

This is between him and me.

[Mike] And Mayor Mc Cheese whose wife I ingested. (Kevin laughs)

No retreat, no surrender.

Break it up, break it up!

Brucey!

Next time I'm gonna kill you!

[Bill] Listen closely and you can hear Candle Box sucking.

(crickets chirping)

[Kevin] Hmm. Getting a little chilly. I think I'll grab a couple of sleeves.

(door closes)

I told you not to fight!

[Mike] May the audience come in?

Jason, fighting is for punks!

Dad I was helping a friend!

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Fighting is wrong!

[Bill] Especially if you suck at it like me!

It got me out of trouble today.

Sure trouble you never would have been in before.

Dad you never listen to me!

I've heard it all before Jason.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about!

Watch your tone of voice with me young man!

[Kevin] I bet karate's bad boy's Mike Barnes'

dad never yells at him like this.

Just because I don't agree doesn't mean I'm wrong.

In this house what I say counts!

[Mike] Well then let's go next door. (Kevin laughs)

I don't know what I've raised?

What? Go to your room.

And you ought to be ashamed of yourself for

fighting like some common street punk.

But! No buts! Go to your room!

[Bill] A young Sir Mix-a-Lot was punished the same way.

I'm not a child.

Oh adults fight like this? I?

Go to your room!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Oh. He is going to the hell out of his room.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] I'll show dad. I'll become famous and chinese

and die at 32. That'll teach him!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Nowadays kids just bully their heavy bag online.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] And so Jason moved to Reno. Started a

ventriloquist act and opened for Joan Rivers.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Seven. Our next contestant will eat

seven tubs of cottage cheese.

(bell rings)

♪♪♪

(punching)

[Bill] In Reno this is what they do to you if

they catch you counting cards at the black jack table.

[Kevin] Yeah. Keeping a running count now you son of a.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Is tripping a big part of this sport?

[Bill] It's a large part. But not as big as

the hair pulling and eye gouging.

(applause)

(applause)

[Kevin] Can barely make out the word participant.

Hey Jase!! Check this out!

Ian congratulations.

Absolutely great match. you were fantastic.

[Bill] Boxing announcers. Known for their white sweater vests.

National championship, is something I've

been training for for quite some time.

Well you certainly deserve it.

[Mike] As you can tell by the excitement in my voice.

Seattle should be proud of you.

Great fighter. Ian Reilly.

Thank you thank you.

You know that guy's place is around here.

[Kevin] Let's dress in suits and muscle him out.

Sure I go by there all the time. You want to go?

Yeah you bet we can check it out.

Tomorrow?

Okay.

[Kevin] Wow tomorrow comes quickly on the west coast.

Look at these trophies.

[Mike] Competitive tickling, biggest earth worm,

most teeth found in a tumor?

[Kevin] Whoa! Check it out! They've got an exit sign!

Hi can I help you?

Yeah I was thinking about joining.

[Bill] Uh joining Scientology that is. This place eats.

All you have to do is fill out these applications

for me and I'll just take them to sensei.

No just him, not me.

Alright.

[Mike] I just like to watch him sign up for things.

Do you know how to spell your name?

Ha ha ha!

[Kevin] Hi Sheryl have I had any calls?

[Bill] You don't get calls, you're a karate teacher.

[Kevin] Tell them I'm in a meeting. [Bill] Yeah sure.

Huh. Jason Stillwell.

Where did you study in Los Angeles? Uh Sherman Oaks Karate.

Did you bring your gear? Yeah all set.

Good because we have a class starting in a few minutes.

That way you can take the class, give it a try, make a decision.

Sounds fair. Alright right this way.

[Bill] Let's get you into the actual plot of this movie.

That's him!

Yeah that's sensei.

He just took first at the nationals.

Yeah I saw that on TV.

And that's why he's not doing this, that's why I am. I'm Dean Ramsey.

[Mike] You're not one of those screw ups from Delta House are you?

[Kevin] Hey! Where do sidekicks get dressed?

Here's the locker.

Go change in here.

Class starts in about ten minutes.

That way you can get some warm up in before that.

Okay thanks.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Sinister music sting for that guy?

He deserves a tuba solo at best.

Not bad! Not bad at all!

[Mike] Things you don't want to hear while

you're changing in a locker room.

Hey I told you, RJ always knows where to go.

[Kevin] Damn Phi Sig stole all the purple belts.

I ought to cancel their mixer!

Excuse me, Dean.

[Bill] Dee. Do you want to talk?

What's up?

Who was that guy?

My new student. Why?

Did he say from was from LA? Yeah.

[Bill] Have they apologized to Seattle yet

for Cameron Crowe's Singles?

This. This.

[Mike] What about the man boobs?

[Bill] Well yeah he did those too.

What did you fight about?

Well um, he was talking about how bad Seattle karate is.

What?

[Kevin] That is the lamest insult ever.

And talking about how wonderful Los Angeles karate is.

[Bill] Bragging about this Terry Silver guy.

Pushing me around and stuff.

And then the fight started.

No I didn't want to fight.

But what was I supposed to do?

He's pretty good, but he uh fights dirty.

[Mike] He's like Greema Worm Tongue as played as Louis Anderson.

Alright!

Come here.

[Kevin] Ah! Doppelgangers!

I'm always ready to fight.

Good, there's a good fighter here from LA.

He wants to fight our best people.

You're our best.

Remember though he's good.

If you relax at all, he'll eat you up.

[Mike] Eat him up? There's another member

of this dojo I'm more worried about there.

Let's bring it in, form a circle, by the ring right now.

[Kevin] Yeah we form a circle near the ring. No a circle.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

[Bill] It's not a good circle.

♪♪♪

Down.

♪♪♪ Hey you'd better get out there, they're waiting for you.

[Bill] Your fame as one of many average high school kids

from Los Angeles has spread far and wide.

♪♪♪

Class we have with us today, a distinguished visitor,

who just arrived from LA. Hey.

[Kevin] He'll never afford our towel fee.

So I thought we might give him a taste of it.

[Bill] Fetal Oliver Hardy.

Look, look.

No excuses mister. You're in the ring.

Let's see what you're made of.

Frank, up.

Toe the line. Toe the line.

[Mike] First draft of Beyonce's Irreplaceable.

[Bill] (singing) To the line, to the line.

Bow to me.

Bow to each other. [Kevin] Bow to General Zod.

Come on Ray!

(cheering)

[Bill] So after this do I get a tour of the facility or?

(cheering)

[Mike] That big guy there. They implicitly trust him?

[Bill] At this dojo he is blameless karate angel.

(cheering)

[Kevin] Ah yes. His extremely ad hoc and

very likely to fail plan is somehow working out perfectly.

Come on.

(cheering)

[Bill] And this is happening like a minute

after he signed his application.

[Kevin] Ha. Good thing he didn't join the Seattle Gun Club.

They would have just shot him.

(breathing heavily)

So. This is LA karate.

[Mike] What the Eagles did for country music.

That's what you're doing for karate.

(cheering)

[Kevin] The epic LA versus Seattle karate battle

was still remembered by, well. For those who witnessed

and they never got much going in their lives.

Fight!

What are you afraid of?

Fight!

[Bill] Well my mom's picking me up early to shop for dress pants.

[Kevin] I said kill him!

(cheering)

(applause)

Ha ha ha!

No Jase, stop!

[Mike] We're gonna break dance our way out of here.

♪♪♪

Later bro.

[Kevin] What about my clothes? [Bill] No time.

[Kevin] But my wallet, my heart medication? [Bill] Too late.

LA karate.

I'm impressed. (laughter)

[Mike] There is no sense of humor in this dojo.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] All this party stuff is just an elaborate

ruse to trap Andrew W Kay.

♪♪♪

You guys having fun?

Yeah we're having a great time.

Hi! Happy birthday!

[Bill] Is no one going to compliment my

early 70s Robert Plant wig?

This party's terrific. It's beautiful.

[Kevin] Maybe later Bill.

[Bill] Okay. I'll tell you guys.

Tonight's the night.

After this party, Kelly's gonna be putty in my arms.

[Mike] Putty from Seinfeld that is.

Hey Jason!

Oh! Let me check you out!

Yes! Don't we look cute!

[Kevin] Though I'm kind of surprised you're not

wearing a Bruce Lee skin suit yet.

She must be pretty special huh?

You better believe it.

Cannon ball! Whoa!

[Mike] Ah I'm cramping from the entire spiral cut ham I just ate.

It's hell being a stock fat guy character.

(cheering)

[Bill] I love him.

♪♪♪

Hi Kelly. Are you having a good time?

I sure am. It's gonna be a great party.

[Bill] Gonna be. So this isn't the actual party. Well that's a relief.

Can you talk like a human being Dean?

Kelly, don't fight it.

It's bigger than the both of us.

[Mike] My giant blouse I mean. I've gotta learn how to buy clothes.

I'm not interested.

Go find some other girl to pest.

You're the only one I want to pest.

[Kevin] Also John Leguizamo's pick up line

Kelly? Kelly?

[Bill] I won at the hugest dork awards!

How's my little sister?

You know I think I missed you most of all.

I missed you too.

[Mike] Anybody else picking up on a distinct Lannister mood here?

Got this trophy too, for your room. Okay?

[Kevin] Yeah I always wanted a trophy so big

nobody could take it seriously.

Come on guys.

Congrats.

Everything went great.

Any problems while I was gone?

[Bill] Hope you didn't accept any obnoxious fat guys into dojo.

Have I got stories to tell you guys.

Ian there's a telephone call for you.

Okay. Look, I've got to go.

Catch you guys later.

[Mike] He's got that hip substitute teacher vibe you want in a sensei.

[Bill] Let's turn all the chairs around and just rap guys.

Mr. Reilly?

You're talking to him. What can I do for you?

If you want to keep your business

be down at your dojo in a half hour.

[Kevin] Can I wear khaki? Who is this?

A friend of yours from New York.

I thought? Be there.

[Bill] He doesn't know what to think. Or where to look.

Or how to think.

[Mike] Ha! He's gonna show everyone his woody.

[Kevin] (sighs) And after that he'll show them his car right?

[Mike] No. [Kevin] No?

[Mike] No he'll show them his car before his erect penis.

[Bill] Oh Mike! Geez! [Mike] What?

[Bill] Goodness gracious.

(door bell rings)

Jason! I'm so glad you came.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Happy birthday.

[Bill] Also have we met?

♪♪♪

[Mike] This table needs a few more chairs.

[Kevin] Uh. Ten bucks says it's Gwynneth Paltrow's severed head.

Oh!

I hope you like it.

[Bill] Enjoy the unexpected responsibility!

How did you know?

You made such a fuss over it at the pet store

the other day I decided to get him.

He's perfect.

[Mike] It's a shame they had to cut that pet store scene, apparently.

(Kevin laughs)

But I think so.

You're so adorable. I'm gonna love you to death!

[Kevin] Speaking of death. There was another bunny

in there but then your brother slammed into me.

Thank you Jason.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Out of nowhere bunny inspired make out sesh?

You fellas gotta see this!

♪♪♪

[Mike] Alright first I take my shirt off. Then you take your shirt off.

Then we go into the other room.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Action Steve Irwin!

How did you get in here?

That's not important.

What is important is that we are here.

[Bill] Pretty sound philosophy for life actually.

I wasn't interested. I run my own show.

Frankly Mr huh? Reilly.

It isn't acceptable, you must join us.

[Mike] We've got a reservation at Cheesecake Factory and that's that.

Oh yes! Your sister Kelly's party.

She's uh, seventeen today?

Please give her our love.

[Kevin] I hear she'll give hers to any one with a

small rodent in a box.

I'd hate to see anything happen to her.

Enough!

We don't want any violence Ian.

[Bill] Tall Serpico, how's it going?

Seattle's next on our list. and we will have your dojo.

We'll be in touch.

[Mike] Seems like organized crime took a major detour

into karate dojo ownership in the eighties.

[Kevin] Yeah. They lost a whole lot of money.

[Bill] Not very organized really.

Hi!

[Bill] Nervous bunny poop pellets.

He's so adorable!

He's so cute! Who gave it to you?

Jason did.

He's a friend of mine from Los Angeles. We met last summer.

[Mike] Also we went to a pet store recently

but there's no proof of that.

This is Jason. Nice to meet you.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] I''m dressed so much more formally than he is.

How's my girl? What do you think you're doing?

Well well. Look at what the cat drug in?

[Bill] Please, gentlemen. Not in front of The Party's Here sign.

We're old pals.

Aren't we Jason?

How's it going buddy?

What are you guys? Kelly! Kelly!

Come on open your presents.

[Mike] Kelly floats through life as a confused clown.

Stay out of the way punk. She's mine.

I didn't see a ring did I?

Are you thick? Her brother's my sensei.

She's spoken for. By me!

[Kevin] Or anyone else whose sensei is her brother,

which is actually a lot of guys.

We'll see about that.

(indistinct)

So is it raining or what?

Oh man. They're almost out of cake. come on!

[Bill] "Oh man, they're almost out of cake, come on!" will be his epitaph.

♪♪♪

[Mike] School full of seven year olds who got suddenly

morphed into teenagers with some kind of magic ray?

Just back off Dean.

Get out of my face!

(slaps)

[Kevin] That's all the proof we need. Theory confirmed Mike.

(screaming)

[Bill] Oh no! Our soda! And pie!

♪♪♪

I told you not to stay.

[Mike] The reverse Lisa Lobe.

[Bill] Oo.

[Kevin] What in the name of Disney branded characters?

Calm down, just having a little fun.

[Bill] Wait, gang land style decapitation. Just a little backyard fun.

Hear that punk?

She knows who's the best.

No! Stop it!

[Mike] Please don't kill a man for my sake.

That wouldn't be a turn on at all.

♪♪♪

(slaps)

[Kevin] And now the bunny slaps him.

Jason wait for me!

[Bill] Bold move parking this heap in our driveway by the way.

I had no idea. Yeah right!

You really think I had something.

What was I supposed to think? I didn't know anything!

Oh give it a rest Kelly!

[Mike] That's our hero. A petulant baby shoving

a girl because she invited him to her birthday party.

[Kevin] Yeah I don't think that was quite tire squealing speed.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Someday I'll be Rob Lowe. That'll show them.

(slaps) (crashing)

[Mike] Oh right I almost forgot about the time you fell on the table.

Stop it Dean! Don't hurt him!

[Kevin] Oh right and then there was also this recent event.

I remember now.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Dah! So mad at her!

Can't believe she loved the bunny I gave her,

and then made out with me, and then defended me,

and slapped that guy. and begged me not to leave. Wait.

I don't know why.

I can't, I can't handle it.

I can't seem to get anything right.

I'm trying but everything's going wrong.

[Mike] I'm sure talking to a celebrity's head stone

is a step in the right direction. (Kevin laughs)

I can't do it. I need help! sensei Lee

You have to help me!

[Kevin] Also as my sensei if you have a sister you

have to let me date her. It's a rule I just learned.

[Bill] Beat it nerd.

Sensei Lee I've got no place else to go!

No one but you.

No one but you.

[Mike] Hey do me a favor. Cut away before

he starts humping the earth.

[Kevin] Meanwhile, cities exist.

(car pulls up)

[Bill] God, no one in the world but Bruce Lee. Oh well,

back to my stupid caring family and my good

supportive friend who lives next door.

(car door closes)

[Mike] Is that Pepsi on your breath young man? (Kevin laughs)

Where you been? Nowhere.

I asked where you were. And I told you didn't I?

[Kevin] That cane turned dad into a mean old kook, real quick.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Suit yourself. I pretend I didn't say it.

Fighting again?

So what?

You know how I feel about fighting!

[Bill] But I love arguing! It's complicated.

You're scared to death of it.

(sighs) Is that what you really think?

[Mike] Get it together son. You're dressed like

it's Night of the Living Dead.

"I'm gonna get you Barbara."

Instead of running away. If you'd been anything but a coward!

[Kevin] Baby blue polo and haircut

from the coward collection. (Bill laughs)

That's it!

From now on, the garage is off limits.

And I don't want you going near it.

You can't do that!

Can't I?

[Bill] I'm really asking. I'm a total coward like you said.

It's my house too!

We'll call it your house, when you start paying the rent okay?

Until then, you do as I say. Clear?

Just leave me alone!

[Mike] I'm gonna go make sure the cat's in the cradle

and polish our silver spoons.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Right. Where's that old can of WD40?

Daddy needs a huff when he's stressed.

Useless junk!

[Bill] Hey, he doesn't even need the cane.

What a gold bricker.

(crashing)

Dad! [Mike] Duh! Dad! (Kevin laughs)

What should have been done long ago.

Let's go inside and talk dad. Please.

There's no more to say. Now just get out!

[Kevin] I hate fighting! I'll kick your ass to prove it!

Don't do that! No!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Oh no how will he replace that poster

he probably got for free at a school book fair?

♪♪♪

[Mike] I get it kid. I had the same fight with my dad when

he ripped up my centerfold posters from

canned mushrooms monthly.

♪♪♪

(knocking)

RJ! [Kevin] Come on buddy You got any Bruce Lee posters

I can look at? I need a fix man. I need it bad!

(knocking)

RJ?

What the?

[Bill] RJ just got off his shift at the cafeteria.

Dad trashed out the garage, everything's in the driveway.

Wow. What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

[Mike] Maybe go home, sleep in your bed?

Any ideas?

Yes! I know of an empty house near here.

We can take the stuff there if you like.

[Kevin] The stuff? Why are they talking about

karate fan memorabilia? Like it's black tar heroin?

You just wait here.

[Bill] Oh please tell me they're both wearing hair nets now.

[Kevin] That'd be great.

[Mike] Yeah Seattle's known for three things. The space needle

coffee, and large abandoned homes in nice neighborhoods.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Thanks abandoned house for having an old tiny

wick lamp at the ready, all filled with tiny lamp oil.

[Bill] Good, now light that box of crap on fire.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Ah these teenage guys sure had a

healthy supply of candles handy.

[Kevin] Yep. Boys will be boys.

♪♪♪

[Bill] We had a real weird thing going here, don't we RJ?

That's the last of it.

[Kevin] World's largest summer sausage was the final piece.

[Bill] One likes diet coke the other was

into coke classic and yet they make it work.

This settled quickly.

Oh the man's gonna be pissed.

You go ahead RJ. I'm gonna stick around here for a while.

I thought you were staying at my house tonight?

[Mike] I got those blueberry mini muffins you like for breakfast.

He'll call the cops.

I know what you mean.

So you go on and I'll catch you later.

Sounds good to me.

[Kevin] You wanna be alone with all these Bruce Lee

photos and the candles. You got it.

Thanks. I mean.

I hope you don't get into trouble.

Don't worry about me. I can handle it.

No retreat, no surrender.

[Bill] Except for the two conflicts I retreated from today.

Yeah. Later!

[Mike] Well, I guess there's no getting around it.

It's time to take a dump on the floor of this abandoned house.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] It's thoughtful of RJ to stick around

in the next room playing piano.

[Bill] Such a good friend.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Taking a dump.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Very nice. In a few minutes the hoards of insects

and varmints who call this place home will come out

of hiding to devour all your posters and your fighting stuff.

Until nothing's left. But for now very nice.

[Bill] A little grim Mike. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] He buys them for the articles okay. The articles!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Ah, Reader's Digest. Humor in uniform. Take me away.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Bruce Lee's fighting method. Step one,

don't spend your time sitting in an empty house reading

a cheap pamphlet called Bruce Lee's fighting method.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Wait. More of this? Where's the fat bully when you need him?

[Bill] It's uh, it's cool movie. You go ahead

and take yourself a little break. We'll wait.

Need a break. too. Okay that's enough.

[Mike] Gah! Prog rock is here!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Oh I hope that's his dad with a bulldozer.

"I told you to get rid of this Bruce Lee junk!". Hmm. Hmm.

Who's there? RJ is that you?

You know. You asked me to come.

[Mike] Oh, could it be? No it couldn't be. It is!

A waiter from a chinese restaurant. Unbelievable.

[Kevin] Play it cool. Suppress the boner.

♪♪♪

I asked you?

♪♪♪

Sensei Lee?

Lee you call me. Shall we begin?

[Mike] Don't they have better voice dubbers in the afterlife?

Begin what?

Your training. You asked me to help.

I'm ready. I've studied a little.

[Kevin] Just not enough to notice this guy looks

nothing like the Bruce Lee in all those photos he's got everywhere.

I know you can do better.

Utilize what's up here, as your way.

That's how you win. Come over here.

[Mike] Hopefully there's a life over here.

Because you have got to get one, kid.

This.

[Bill] This means "grow some balls cupcake."

This is your beginning.

You must be (indistinct)

We call it martial arts.

[Kevin] Alright, gonna do a caricature of you.

Do you have any hobbies?

Made of coal, which means violence or force.

Plus this (indistinct) meaning stop.

[Mike] Okay. I understood maybe three words of

that gibberish.

What you learn from me is from defense

only, and should not be misused.

That's the idea.

[Bill] My fees are quite reasonable, because as a ghost,

money is worthless to me anyway.

I don't wish revenge.

I only want to learn. [Kevin] How to murder my enemies.

[Mike] What's that? [Kevin] I mean the noble martial arts.

The cuff first.

Pardon?

[Mike] Uh do me a favor. Drink this poison

die, and take my place in hell.

[Bill] Okay. No!

[Mike] Come on!

This cup as you, represents your knowledge.

This cup is what I offer.

[Bill] Knowledge. Now with aspartame.

More than your cup holds. (indistinct)

And?

The cup now is clean.

You understand? Yes.

[Kevin] You do? Because that's the biggest load

of horse shit anyone has ever shoveled.

Up. Get in the stance.

Punch and power punch.

[Mike] It's all in the mind.

If you want to test me now.

I'm sure you're fine.

No. This hand no power.

Now. Hit here.

[Bill] I just shame ate a huge taco salad and I want to throw it up.

Agh!

Stand up.

[Kevin] You corporeal beings disgust me!

What was a mistake?

Punch wasn't fast enough.

Easy to defend against. (guys laugh)

[Mike] Who knew ghost was such abusive a-holes?

Now say that to me again.

Not easy to defend against. How?

Show me where to improve it?

Show you?

[Kevin] (laughs) Better to be taught by the ghost of Ike Turner.

Listen to the warrior inside.

Move and I'll counter.

[Bill] You'll slap me condescendingly on the head. Got it.

Think, of your technique.

It's straight.

Now my technique, is a long move.

[Mike] Abusive incoherent, not helpful.

You know I think I'm just gonna sign up at a reputable studio

pay my monthly fees like a normal person.

Again!

(slaps)

[Kevin] Okay, I never believed this was Bruce Lee's ghost.

But now I'm convinced this is just a sadistic madman

who wandered in off the streets.

No Lee dega

You live with a soda.

[Bill] You live with a soda. Sure!

You do that, you're gonna get hit. (Mike laughs)

Living with sodas!

Utilizing chi!

The result is power.

Agh!

[Mike] Okay. Now I hit your knee caps with

pipe wrench. you know, to teach you.

Chi. Power.

Never can succeed without a surprise.

Your training begins tomorrow.

[Kevin] But first, uh, stuff a bunch of

old zippo lighters into a fanny pack.

[Bill] Just don't live with a soda and everything will go fine.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] (laughs) He's achieving old person mall walking speeds.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ah young man could you not put your junk

on the place I'm gonna set my sandwich later?

♪♪♪

[Bill] His years heading his local chapter,

of Up with People did not go to waste.

[Kevin] (breathing heavily) Up! With people! Beat them!

Wherever you go! Uh uh!

♪♪♪

[Mike] He would later die of spring pinches to his upper arm.

♪♪♪

[Bill] (clears throat) You stole those from my

my hammock didn't you?

[Mike] No. Yeah. [Kevin] Slap!

What's wrong?

I'm not sure

Think of what you are doing.

[Kevin] Stop living with a soda!

If you want to improve yourself, you must concentrate.

That's your strength.

[Mike] So wait. Is Bruce's ghost rooming with him now?

[Bill] No, no. He didn't want to mooch. got a place at the Y.

Picking up extra shifts at the

Coldstone Creamery at Brookdale Mall.

Now. Was that natural enough for you? Sure.

[Kevin] Yeah. Everything seems completely natural and normal here.

You just react.

From now on, be spontaneous.

Now. Come on.

[Mike] We're gonna be spontaneous.

We're gonna go throw rocks at the Catholics.

Handling multiple strikes.

Requires timing.

[Kevin] Requires, time, time, timing!

Are you ready?

Agh! Agh!

[Mike] Good. Now Patrick Swayze's ghost

is coming in and you two will make pottery together.

Agh! Agh!

Now why you being hit?

I don't know. I'm just standing here.

Agh!

[Bill] Sensei Lee told him, "Just go out and climb rope."

so that he had time to rifle through his drawers

for change and loose cigarettes.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Uh kid? Eight grade gym class

had this equipment reserved.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Sensei said face all the way into the crotch.

[Bill] Video taping it. Now Bruce Lee's ghost is

getting tossed out of Ralph's for eating sliced

olives by the handful straight out of the salad bar.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] I'm a trickster. Hee hee hee!

Here comes the fun!

[Bill] Ow! (bleep)

You cracked my (bleep) spine. you lunatic!

[Mike] You really have to ditch that friend of yours.

[Bill] Yes I know he is literally the worst.

All these sandbags.

Are you adversaries.

Stand in the center.

[Kevin] Yeah this is gonna end with you slapping me isn't it?

[Mike] you know it!

Ready?

Agh! Agh!

Ha! Agh! Uh!

[Bill] Man hadn't seen that many swinging sacks

since senior citizen day at my health club.

Thank you very much. thank you very much.

Old man balls thank you.

Effectively you must empty all yourself.

[Mike] Like right now? Here?

Must see in all directions.

Your ears shall be aware of all sound.

[Kevin] Like sound of me slapping your dumb ass head.

[Bill] Oh you're gonna do that again?

[Kevin] It's what I do!

And be ready to react.

Try again.

♪♪♪

[Mike] So, just to be clear. The ghost of Bruce Lee went out,

bought a bunch of canvas bags, loaded them up with sand.

Reinforced the ceiling beams, meticulously hung the bags,

lit a bunch of candles then invited this idiot into the room?

[Bill] Yeah yeah. He's a ghost. What the hell else does

he have going on in his life?

[Mike] That's a good point.

Agh!

How's that?

♪♪♪

Thanks to you.

[Kevin] Your emasculating head slaps have made me the man I am today.

Agh! Wa! Wa! Wa! Wa!

Wa! Agh! Wa!

[Mike] This is worse than the time my friend

snuck in and caught me listening to Ace of Base.

Agh!

Is that right Lee dega?

(snickering)

Agh! Ah!

Hey! Are you crazy?

[Kevin] Would a crazy man do this?

[Bill] Yes. Precisely that! Get the hell off our lunch table psycho!

[Kevin] No!

♪♪♪

[Mike] You want to talk about how you fell against me,

and we crashed through a door?

[Kevin] Hmm nope.

[Mike] Best not to revisit it.

♪♪♪

Faster! Faster!

[Bill] Little Mac and Doc Lewis. The early years.

Come on Jase, man.

It's gotta be faster than that.

Come on get with it.

Let's go.

[Kevin] Yeah probably shouldn't be hanging around that old

soviet air prison anyway. (Bill laughs) Wow.

♪♪♪

Kick me.

[Mike] I'm into erotic trampling too. But this is what

I'm in the mood for today.

Agh! Wa!

What now?

[Bill] Come on kid. Casper the friendly ghost could kick your ass.

This time, I'll kick you.

[Kevin] Any particular testicle like better than the other, or?

Agh! Ah! Wa!

[Mike] Alright let's just go back to the slapping.

I actually prefer that.

You weren't ready.

Unexpected move are hard to counter.

So they present worst danger.

[Bill] And these new ropes will finally make me cool?

[Mike] Absolutely.

Pretend my arm trapped this leg.

That's your adversary.

Kick.

[Kevin] Cake? Do We really have to have ta cake right now?

Why don't I do this thing first?

♪♪♪

Agh!

[Mike] Okay, okay. How about I go to Dairy Queen,

pick up an ice cream cake,

in case we get hungry from training?

[Bill] Would you forget about the cake please?

[Mike] You're right. Dairy Queen too far.

There's a grocery store around the corner. I'm pretty

sure they have pre-made birthday cakes.

Sometimes there's even carrot cakes there in the deli.

[Bill] Later! [Mike] You always later but still no cake!

(breathing heavily)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Pretty good table to do push ups on seems to me.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Bruce Lee's ghost comes here

to get hammered and you know, slap guys.

Hey! Get me another beer! Hurry up!

Coming right up.

[Mike] You guys haven't seen my son have you?

Yeah never mind, it's not important.

♪♪♪

No no no! Bring it over here.

[Kevin] Great. Now son and father will be

visited by the ghost of Patrick Swayze.

[Bill] Yes but this time to slap him repeatedly

and teach him the lesson that pain don't hurt.

♪♪♪

Come on! Come on!

[Mike] Darker side of Chris Pratt.

What took you, boy?

I'm sorry I took so long.

What is this I hear? You used to teach karate?

[Kevin] I mean the bar is just abuzz with it.

Look I don't want any trouble.

Then answer my question.

What are you? Black belt?

[Bill] Or are you loyal only to Der Fuhrer, huh? Fritz!

You'll go when I say you can go, karate man!

And no sooner.

[Mike] Please. My father was karate man. Call me Darren.

Yes.

Clean yourself up. You're a mess.

[Kevin] Well that was Mic Golden Draft Light so it's

actually less viscous than water.

That's a good boy.

Get back here.

Hey! Get back here!

Aggh!

[Bill] That's me at Subway when

they don't punch my sandwich card.

Don't you ever come back!

I'm gonna be back, and I'll get you!

[Bill] Yep. My exact words every time I leave Subway.

I mean business.

[Mike] OOoo. Putting his dad's dead body in the sand bag

was risky but should be quite an effect.

I'll never be able to hit it.

If you think that is impossible, you won't hit it.

[Kevin] Yep. If I think it's impossible and it actually is,

that means I'm sane and healthy.

Set images all in your head.

Can't believe them.

And no we can be stopped.

[Bill] Cant be stopped. [Mike] No, can be stopped.

[Bill] Uh huh can be stopped. [Mike] No it's ah never mind.

Believe that, I did it!

[Kevin] And I must go to some laundry, and then I think

they're shipping me to Sacramento to start slapping a fifth grader.

Bye!

♪♪♪

Lee Daga Where are you?

[Bill] Oh no. Who will abuse him now?

Oh his dad of course. Worked out well.

♪♪♪

I did it.

[Mike] I stole an outfit from the lead singer of Loverboy.

[Kevin] (laughs) Rocky's one through seven called to say

"Hey maybe dial it back on the repetitive training montages."

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike singing] Your back is embedded.

With splinters from that plywood.

You really got to ditch those springs, they suck!

♪♪♪

[Bill] (singing) You've got no arm hair!

Because those springs pulled all of it off!

[Kevin] (singing) Does your friend have a brain stem?

The kid ain't right!

[Mike] (singing) Probably shouldn't let him, sit directly on your crotch!

[Kevin] No. [Bill] (singing) You'll be okay if you don't put lit candles

on the thing you're currently punching you idiot!

Left the song there. Geez!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Please stop training for love of god, or swallow a bottle

of pills. You can't possibly still be doing this!

You found my lifeless body in the bathroom with the.

[Mike] Okay.

[Bill] You okay?

[Kevin] Oh yeah. This training montage is ending.

Otherwise it's use a fifth of cabin still to wash down a bottle of percocet.

[Bill] Fair enough. [Kevin] Sure.

Jase? Something must be wrong with this watch.

Come on let's get going.

[Mike] I've got to somehow seduce a new ghost

into my being my trainer. (Bill laughs)

Agh!

[Bill] We've secretly replaced Jason's sandbags

with balloons full of kerosene. Let's see if he notices.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Man. One of the toughest pinatas I've ever seen.

♪♪♪

Agh! [Kevin] Meanwhile the ghost of Bruce Lee is

kicking Seth Rogan's ass for the Green Hornet movie.

[Bill] Mom did I tell you I met the dad of that guy from the Crow?

Oh look at the time!

Your dad's getting off work and I was supposed to be there.

[Mike] I worry that mom is too richly developed a character.

(Kevin laughs)

Think you can handle him?

I'll struggle along without you.

[Kevin] I'm making your favorite. hot buttered protein bars.

(Bill laughs)

(door closes)

[Bill] Hands on ten and two my pupil.

[Mike] Oh not now sensei Lee.

[Bill] I shall test or no?

[Kevin] Oh that's so sad. Dad just carries around

a little white surrender flag now?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] It stinks!

Hey!

(slaps) ♪♪♪

[Mike] Hey! This is my hazing to become one of the guys right?

Karate man, we're going to teach you some manners!

Okay okay!

It won't happen again.

Oh no. It's too late for that.

[Kevin] Nobody breaks Emily Posts's revered

rules and etiquette on our turf.

(screams) (punching)

Agh!

You will never mess with me again!

[Bill] He's like a giant angry Cabbage Patch doll.

(brakes screeching)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Yes! My chance to beat up to dad for ripping my poster!

♪♪♪

Agh! [Kevin] Oh! That was like human bowling.

♪♪♪

(smacks)

♪♪♪

[Bill] It's like the message of every martial arts movie.

Violence never solves anything. Just kidding! It totally does!

(smacks)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Whoa! Way to escalate Lizzy Borden!

(smacks)

[Kevin] It's extra humiliating to lose to someone

with his shirt tucked into his sweatpants.

Dad are you okay?

[Bill] Okay? I'm great. Think those guys really like me.

I'm very proud of you son.

I've been such a fool!

[Mike] The words every teenager most longs to hear from a parent.

Let's go home. Mom's making dinner, she's waiting.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Uh huh. Of course.

Dancing to the famous Michael Jackson song?

Um, must be a B side.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Wood paneled station wagons are considered

a form of birth control in many cultures.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] Awfully young to be an admiral. (Kevin laughs)

Let's go homeboy! Let's do it!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Huh. They didn't show us this cool light bulb

trick in my CPR class.

[Bill] He's half electric eel on his mother's side.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] OMG!

Look! There's Kelly!

Hey what's with you man?

There's your lady, and

you want to stand here with me?

I don't want to talk to her.

[Kevin] I thought he and RJ were a couple now, since their,

you know, special moment at the playground.

(applause)

[Bill] To start a moonwalking duel, you slap

someone with a sequined glove.

(applause)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Uh, they only allow black people

in this club if they're costume?

[Kevin] Huh. See RJ's been getting secret dance lessons

in his garage from Steven Segal.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Can't, stop, spinning. Please for the love of god,

someone help me!

♪♪♪

[Mike] Ah ha! (vomiting sounds)

(applause)

Alright, everybody get up and dance!

[Kevin] Dance my puppets! Dance! Dance! Ah ha ha ha!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Hey uh, that chimp you brought to play Bubbles has some

lady cornered in the bathroom?

You should probably go take care of it.

♪♪♪

Come on let's dance!

[Mike] No. I don't have any light bulbs.

Would you like to dance?

No thanks. [Kevin] I used to date Uncle Fester.

I'm over light bulb insertion.

Come on! Okay.

[Bill] This club plays only the hottest

pre-recorded keyboard tracks.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Well, I thought I smelled emasculation and stale punch.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(music slows down)

[Kevin] Ah, another slow dance? Such a cliche.

You know Hollywood really underestimates the

romantic power of a good honest square dance.

May I have this dance?

Thought you'd never ask?

[Bill] I mean hoped. I hoped, you'd never ask.

♪♪♪

I'm sorry about that day. I was a real jerk.

[Mike] I was in more of a Darlington County mood that day.

You were a jerk.

Yeah I was, wasn't I? Come on.

It's all in the past. Let's just forget about it, okay?

Sounds good to me.

[Kevin] Let me eat that sweet face. (gobbling sounds)

♪♪♪

[Bill] You smooth criminals, you.

(slobbering sounds)

(plane heard overhead)

[Mike] Meanwhile, Jason's mom flew away to start

a new karate free family in Tampa.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Hey guys, guys.

Hey, let's do the Abbey Road thing guys!

Guys? Huh.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Nowadays at the airport at least three of them

would suddenly claim to need wheel chairs.

♪♪♪

[Mike] You think you're supposed to park there

because there's a big arrow pointing to it?

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Norman Krasner had this limo before them.

Somehow spilled an entire gallon of baked beans in it.

Yes sir.

He jumped at the chance to settle this with a teen fight?

He wants a piece of us bad.

Fine, fine.

[Bill] Wait. We're still talking about league of legends right?

♪♪♪

[Mike] Told me to put up 50 posters

Nobody said I had to spread them out.

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Are you sure this is how you get rid of a tapeworm?

♪♪♪

Good evening sir.

[Bill] Good evening looming corner goon.

Our ad, will be in every paper.

Both morning and evening editions.

Representatives from print and TV will be there,

and two local radio stations will be covering it live.

[Mike] The 24 hour polka station and their NPR affiliate.

Training very hard.

Will there be any problems?

Don't worry. Everything is under control.

Seattle is already yours. [Kevin] Just like my heart.

He will lose. Very good.

Very good. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

[Bill] God bless America. and Americans who

beat up other Americans for fun.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Now when do they fill it with Jello?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Come on honey. Let's sit up front so we

can really smell the blood.

♪♪♪

[Bill] Studied film at NYU for this?

♪♪♪

[Mike] A tooth hit me here last time. It was cool.

I made into a (indistinct).

So much fun the other night.

I know. We should all do it again.

[Bill] Another sparkling conversation from a pre-texting era.

A lost art, guys.

Hey!

[Kevin] The three Ninjas moonlight for alimony!

Are you guys ready?

Yeah!

Good. Because the fun's about to begin.

[Bill] With strong arming tap dance studios now.

All pro guys!

We'll look good tonight.

[Mike] The talent scout for the Power Rangers is here.

Yeah. But just remember if all else fails,

you've got the big man to fall back on.

[Kevin] Ah the gym hasn't been this packed

since the all nude production of Auntie Mame!

[Bill] Could I interest you in a mutual fund sailor?

Everything is set.

(bell rings)

[Mike] Just looking for an extension cord. Don't mind me.

♪♪♪

[Bill] (laughs) Subtle!

[Kevin] Alright it's cancelled. Everybody out!

Ladies and gentlemen.

Good evening and welcome to the

Kingswood Sports Center and our first ever

[Bill] Double digit attendance.

Karate exhibition.

Tonight's match features two well known karate teams.

[Mike] As ranked by bookers for amateur karate tournaments.

The visiting team the New York state champions,

the Manhattan Ballor!

[Kevin] Boo! Our taste in karate is in dojo proximity! Boo!

(applause)

And in the black corner,

[Bill] Wearing dunce caps and thinking about what they did.

The Kingswood kids, the Seattle Side Kicks!

(applause)

[Mike] Seattle Side Kicks. Our name means lucky assistants.

(applause)

[Kevin] Yay! Even though we've also wished that

Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf would take over your dojo space!

Yay!

(applause)

[Bill] The Super Sonics are also playing tonight.

So this is by far the biggest crowd in Seattle right now.

[Mike] Okay. Just stop fellas, what are we doing here?

And now for the Manhattan Maulers,

weighing at 180 pounds, Michael Rocco!

[Kevin] Yeah this is what I think of jobs that require shirts! Duh.

Tipping our regulation scales of 190 pounds, John Alavardo!

[Bill] I disrupt PTA meetings like this.

And last, let's give a big welcome to

Pasad "the headhunter" Ashman!

[Mike] Sacrifice bankable skills to be like me kids!

Seattle Side Kicks.

Introducing the Washington state light weight

karate champion, Frank Peters!

(applause)

[Kevin] Oh that's the guy who bullied me in 5th grade honey.

(applause)

Weighing in at 197 and 1/2 pounds.

[Bill] Rounding up or down felt disingenuous.

Shooting star Ramsay!

(applause)

[Mike] Eh. It all seems pointless if you don't know

how many teen boys that can lift with his pelvis.

The reigning US national karate champion

Ian "world wind" Reilly!

[Kevin] Although he earned the nickname

as a vacuum repair man!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Yeah. We don't know where his

hubris comes from either folks.

Let's go to our places.

Ladies and gentlemen, the match is about to begin!

[Mike] After this lengthy recap of what double elimination means.

This exhibition will consist of three round matches,

each round lasting two minutes.

[Kevin] To accommodate this dumb crowd's attention span!

Distinguished panel of judges.

(booing from crowd)

Ladies and gentlemen.

[Bill] Are karate schools a wise investment?

Lack of any serious competition here in Seattle.

There has been a change in the New York line up.

[Mike] Webster reruns are now on at 7 and 7:30.

All we really need is one man to take on all three of your fighters

and anyone else that has the balls to get into the ring.

(booing from crowd)

[Kevin] How dare he use that language at this blood sport event!

This one man.

This awesome machine of annihilation

is now making his way to the ring!

[Bill] Fred Travalena ladies and gentlemen.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Flanked by the sales team from a Yugoslavian Guess store.

(indistinct chatter in background)

[Kevin] They're a little tired. They did that all

the way from the airport Marriot.

♪♪♪

[Bill] (softly) Shoulders hurt.

Oh yeah? Just wait until street fighter.

(indistinct chatter)

(indistinct chatter dies down)

[Mike] Alright, he's changed his mind. He's singing tonight.

I am pleased to present our Russian brother.

Eastern Europe's most feared martial artist.

[Kevin] And esteemed time cop.

Ivan Krashinksy!

(jeers from crowd)

[Bill] Booo! Go back to whatever country I'm

always fighting in video games.

[Mike] And Yakov Smirnov's three week

run in Seattle is quietly cancelled.

(mixed reaction from crowd)

[Kevin] Hey! This seems like a great place

to justify all that training!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Looks kind of familiar. He's a got weird

"I crippled your dad" vibe about him.

(smacks)

(smacks)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Hmm. No. Doesn't ring a bell.

(cheering)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Ah, I can't think of who he is either.

Hey Jase? You looked like you've seen a ghost?

Think I have.

[Bill] Be right back. Gotta buy one of those giant foam fingers.

Jason!

Where's your brother?

He's right here.

[Mike] He said he wanted to buy the last giant foam finger.

That Russian's bad news.

Who's this? I'm Jason.

Well Jason, don't worry. We can take it.

No I mean it. I've seen this guy fight.

Yeah and you've seen us fight too bud. Ha ha ha!

[Kevin] My that is droll! Ah ha ha!

Good luck.

[Bill] RJ going for irony there.

(bell rings)

Let the destruction begin.

[Mike] (low voice) Eh, destruction. Eh eh. (Kevin laughs)

(drum roll)

Would you come in the ring please?

You can do it!

[Kevin] Bob Schneider smirks with superiority.

♪♪♪

Gentlemen, just obey my commands.

When I ask you to break, I want you to break clean and fast.

[Bill] As long as Simon says.

Go immediately to a neutral corner and stay there,

until I tell you to come out.

Do you understand?

[Mike] Or will I have to unleash the bitch?

(bell rings) Fight!

(smacks)

(smacks)

[Kevin] No no. Punch to where the jugular is going, not where it is.

And uh, sting like a butterfly or something?

(smacks) (applause)

[Bill] We enjoyed that one particular punch!

(applause)

[Mike] Feel him with my rhumba!

(smacks) (jeers from crowd)

[Kevin] Gah. I think he just closed escrow.

One, two, three, four

Five, six.

[Bill] Will I ever ruin a birthday party again?

(smacks)

(thump!)

[Mike] Oh I hate LA karate.

(applause)

Fight's over. That's it. You're out.

[Kevin] Now clean up that spleen.

Winner by knock out!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Bill] Yeah the splits. I guess that's kind of impressive.

[Mike] Seems like any given gymnast can do that.

It isn't worth making a trademark. But hooray!

(Kevin and Bill) Yay!

The mean receiver freak!

[Kevin] Bruce Lee taught me that. [Bill] Come on! He heh.

Just obey my commands. and let's have a good clean fight.

Are you ready? Yeah.

[Mike] Well then let's get ready

to not be sued by Michael Buffer!

(bell rings) Fight!

(smacks) [Kevin] Gah! I retreat and I surrender.

(smacks)

Break!

[Mike] My adult Chris Partridge command thee!

One, two, three.

(crowd cheers)

(smacks)

[Kevin] Now see. This is why nobody ever picks Balrog.

One, two, three.

(crowd jeers)

[Kevin] Fight go bad friend.

Seven, eight, nine,

Are you alright?

Yeah.

[Mike] Well I've lost faith in society's ability

to correct its ills, but otherwise good to go.

(smacks)

(smacks)

[Kevin] Ow! Ow! Organs I didn't even know I have are rupturing!

(smacks)

Agh!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Ah. Wish my old man had been this enthusiastic

in the bleachers when I was in poetry club.

♪♪♪

[Mike] Still they treat concussion victims better than the NFL.

The best! I'm the best!

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Guys like my JJ Giddes cosplay? Pretty sweet huh?

Since we already won both fights, we're gonna

make this thing a little more interesting.

[Bill] You emerald city yokels every heard of a yiff pile?

Winner take all. If Reilly wins, Seattle wins.

(cheering)

[Mike] Shave my shoulders later guys. There's Russian ass to kick.

(cheers from crowd)

Alright look fellas. you both know all the rules.

I want a good clean fight!

You heard this before yes?

[Kevin] (Russian accent) In Russia pre fight instructions give you.

(bell rings) (smacks)

(smacks)

[Bill] Oh man, the character I kind of dislike

is in a death duel with a character I actively dislike.

The emotional stakes have never felt higher.

(smacks)

(smacks)

[Mike] Dragon strike! [Kevin] Heart back lunge!

[Bill] Vulture smooch! [Mike] Dyspeptic Salamander!

(smacks)

Agh!

[Kevin] Well this is less embarrassing than

getting beat up by Jean Claude and Christo.

(cheering)

[Bill] (indistinct)

[Mike] Some sweaty hairy mongoose approaching

a shaved, glycerin soaped toad.

(smacks)

(smacks)

(smacks)

[Kevin] Emu some! [Bill] Snail notch!

[Mike] Hamster bash! [Kevin] The vengeful wallabeeee!

(smacks) (grunts)

(smacks)

[Mike] Replacement light bulbs, not in the budget.

(smacks) (bell rings)

I said break it up!

Get back to your corner.

[Kevin] I physically mature Ricky Schroder compel you!

(cheering)

What are you doing?

[Bill] Being a super kick ass karate dude. Duh!

Alright.

No problem man.

No problem. you got him right where you want.

(cheering)

[Mike] Did somebody lose this giant number two?

Looking for the owner here people. (Kevin laughs)

[Kevin] I massage you.

(bell rings)

Let's go.

Come on, do it here!

[Bill] I gotta get back to harassing that little breakdancer kid.

Fight!

(smacks)

(smacks)

[Mike] That's for your half hearted performance in Expendables Two.

(Kevin laughs)

Get him!

Kill him!

[Kevin] Remind of the ultimate futility of all human endeavors!

(smacks)

Got one point there!

[Bill] Van Damme's Beligian, so that was Flemish for "Gah!!"

(smacks)

(cheering)

[Mike] Remember when this movie was about Jason?

[Kevin] No. Who now?

(smacks)

(booing from crowd)

[Bill] Okay, now this movie's gone too far. [Mike] Murder attempt?

[Bill] No no no. Unfastening a metal snap hook

wearing a sparring glove? Come on man!

(smacks)

[Mike] I wish Double Team had been ninety minutes of Jean Claude

doing that to Dennis Rodman.

(smacks)

Agghh!

[Kevin] Trillions of funyon molecules raced

towards his cold Soviet heart.

(smacks)

[Bill] Ah ha! Wee!

(smacks)

[Mike] No! She just bleached her roots!

♪♪♪

(smacks)

♪♪♪

(all guys softly speaking) Yaaay.

♪♪♪

(smacks)

(smacks)

(applause)

[Kevin] You just reversed my Lasik you big bully!

♪♪♪

No.

It is you son? Is it not?

[Bill] Yes by definition I am a son.

But this time it will be different.

Russian!

Haa! [Mike] Well what makes dismissive but

accurate reference to my country of origin!

(smacks)

[Kevin] Hey can I get a Coors Light over here?

(crowd cheers)

♪♪♪

You're good.

I get better.

[Bill] Come here pinko, it's kissy time. (Kevin laughs)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] He's remembering all those times he was bad in LA with Snake.

♪♪♪

And when your shoulder moves, I see it!

[Mike] His ancient hokey pokey strategy.

Wait, and direct.

♪♪♪

(smacks)

[Kevin] If somebody goes into a coma we get half off Papa Johns! Come on!

[Bill] Coma! Coma!

♪♪♪

[Bill] Uh time out guys. Jason's controller disconnected again.

[Kevin] Blue tooth.

(smacks)

(smacks)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(indistinct)

(smacks)

[Mike] Ah ha! Smell that! Ring funk! Pretty gnarly right?

Agh!

(crowd booing)

[Kevin] He needs a power boost by imagining he's punching Chuck Norris.

(smacks)

(smacks)

[Bill] And here we have the roping of

an actual non metaphorical dope.

(crowd boos)

Jase! No retreat! No surrender!

(smacks) [Kevin] Huh.

(applause)

[Mike] Dolphin palm! [Kevin] Arthur punch!

[Bill] Armadillo toss! [Mike] The Randy sloth!

(smacks)

♪♪♪

(smacks)

♪♪♪

(smacks)

[Kevin] Oh it's like he's the best, around!

[Bill] Are, are you saying nothing's ever gonna keep him down?

[Kevin] Well let me put it this way. Yes.

That is what I am saying.

Unexpected move is harder to counter.

(smacks)

♪♪♪

[Mike] Finishing move! Up, down, left, diagonal left, ABB.

[Kevin] No no. It's up down, diagonal left, ABA.

The move you're describing unleashes

Jason's feathered hair of fury.

[Bill] (sighs) Actually guys. Up down left diagonal left, ABA,

is Jason's terrifying eyebrows apocalypse.

[Kevin] Wow.

(applause)

[Mike] They're moving onto a less stupid plan.

Muscling out the owner of a model train museum.

(crowd cheering)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(cheering)

♪♪♪

[Kevin] Uh movie if you wanted a discounted Stan Bush,

there's already one available. His name is Stan Bush.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Mike] And appreciative ticket holders tossed Jason up and down,

up and down, deep into the night. (Kevin laughs) The END.

[Kevin] And while Jason is being tossed up and down, friends.

If you happened upon this video anywhere other

than the RiffTrax dojo, please consider dropping

It's really the only way we can keep doing this thing we love to do.

[Bill] Plus you know if you don't, we'll send Ivan the Russian

to your house to do that weird sneery thing with his lower lip.

And nobody wants that!

[Mike] Uh uh. Actually, I do.

[Kevin] Okay. Nobody but Mike wants that

[Bill] See you next time!

[Kevin] What the hell's wrong with you Nelson? [Bill] Mike you need some help.

[Mike] I like sneering Russians. Good bye.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (indistinct closing theme song plays)

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♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ It's time for Rifftrax!

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