Rickles (1975) - full transcript
- Hey, good luck Mr. Rickles!
- [Don] Yeah, thanks, Charlie.
Art!
- Hey Don, the wife says to thank you for the flowers.
- [Don] Glad she liked 'em, Art.
How's she coming along?
- Oh fine, fine, she'll be home in another week.
- [Don] Good, then you got no excuse
for ruining the food from now on.
- Absolutely not.
- Hey Don, Don, do me a favor, get the guy at my table.
The guy's drivin' me nuts.
The guy's a real hockey puck!
- [Don] Okay, Frankie.
Hi Karen, how's business tonight?
- Another packed house tonight, Mr. Rickles.
You sure make me earn my money.
- [Don] Boy, she's pretty.
My luck I'm happily married.
The first laugh gotta get 'em right away.
Some night I'm gonna walk out there, and whammo,
right down the tubes.
Not a laugh.
(people chattering)
- [Announcer] And now, ladies and gentlemen, Don Rickles!
(audience applauds)
(dramatic music)
- [Don] Not tonight, huh, please, please?
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] Rickles, starring Don Rickles!
Co-starring Jack Klugman, Don Adams, Michele Lee.
Almost starring James Caan, Michael Caine,
Jose Ferrer, Arthur Godfrey,
Elliott Gould, Larry Linville,
Jack Palance, Otto Preminger,
Bobby Riggs, Loretta Swit.
(audience applauds)
- Roll, come on, roll baby.
Nice, nice, nice, nice.
(drums crashing)
(audience laughs)
Now you ruined the whole damn show.
Nah, to hell with it.
I'm not gonna do this show.
Nah, I'm not gonna do this show, I don't need it.
No, the man ruined the show!
(audience laughs)
Am I right or wrong, lady?
I come out, wait a minute,
I come out on this stage here, what are you playing?
They're on a ship saying goodbye, these dumbbells.
(audience laughs)
I try to come out to this,
and the man has stopped the music.
Is that right or wrong, lady?
Don't you understand anything, lady?
(audience laughs)
The woman's got a cord on her neck.
That's enough of the audience.
What are you, Monty Hall?
Trying to do a show!
I spoke to the home, you go Friday.
Okay, that's enough.
I said that's enough.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do the show, I don't need it.
Listen to me, dummy.
I'm your alter ego.
The little guy inside your head, remember?
(audience laughs)
It's about time.
I mean, you try to do a job, and you ruin it!
I'm an entertainer, I'm not a jerk here.
There's a lotta people here, look at these people here.
(audience laughs)
Supposed to bring me out with class and dignity.
Can you see me?
Now, I'll tell ya something.
Over here, over here.
40 million leaders, I gotta get an old guy who's (groans).
(audience laughs)
Don't bring me out like that.
These guys, they don't care.
They'll do any damn thing.
♪ Dah dah dah dah dah ♪
I'm not even Mexican.
(audience laughs)
Hahaha yourself!
The Japanese kid, am I Mexican?
(audience laughs)
You with the funny eyes, I'm talkin' to you!
(audience laughs)
Kid's sitting there going who's got funny eyes?
(audience laughs)
Nice crowd, you're nice people.
It's good to have you here this evening.
Any Italians here?
Nice, now a minute left to the vamp.
Arabic.
Anyway.
(audience laughs)
No, I kid you.
(speaking foreign language)
Which means, I hope you get a hump on your back.
(audience laughs)
No, Arabic, a Jew, we are brothers.
Arabic are Jews, it doesn't matter to me,
so we're all human beings.
God bless you, really.
(audience applauds)
I think he bought that.
(audience laughs)
Anyway,
No, I kid you.
Shalom, peace.
(audience laughs)
That guy had a grenade on him.
(audience laughs)
Just kiddin' around, no need to get hot about it.
Keep it rollin', keep it rollin'.
It's time for the vamp.
Hey, that's exciting.
Louisville, Kentucky, right Dad?
What's your last name?
- Carnavalis.
- Carnavalis? - Yeah.
- I had that in the Navy, it starts out as a rash.
(audience laughs)
Then it becomes a Carnavalis.
Is this the wife?
(audience laughs)
What'd you have for dinner, fish?
(audience laughs)
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ In spite of what you've heard ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ You can bet your little bird ♪
♪ Whenever you see me ♪
♪ Just don't stop to chat ♪
♪ I'm sorry lady, I can't help it if you're fat ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ People all adore me ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ Psychiatrists explore me ♪
♪ I lie on the couch ♪
♪ And they try not to bore me ♪
♪ A nice guy, that's me ♪
(audience applauds)
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ I'll put your mind at ease ♪
♪ A polite guy ♪
♪ Lady, how about your knees ♪
♪ Love little kids, and a stray cat or dog ♪
♪ But this group tonight is from a Sears Catalog ♪
♪ I'm a swell guy ♪
♪ The band thinks I'm groovy ♪
♪ But they're all high ♪
♪ They think they're at a movie ♪
♪ They only stay awake ♪
♪ 'Til you people approve me ♪
♪ A nice guy, that's me ♪
Watch this, Louisville.
(upbeat music) (audience applauds)
(clears throat)
(audience applauds)
♪ I'll tell ya here and now ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ Rickles showed me how ♪
♪ I'm sweet, I'm gentle ♪
♪ And loaded with charm ♪
♪ If you don't believe me, I'll break your arm ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ I'm a nice guy, couldn't be sweeter ♪
♪ Billie Jean who ♪
♪ I surely could defeat her ♪
♪ Oh how she'd cry ♪
♪ I just couldn't beat her ♪
♪ A nice guy, that's me ♪
(audience applauds)
♪ I'm a nice guy, and very sure of that ♪
♪ Call me Otto, I'm just a pussycat ♪
♪ I'm really a sweetheart ♪
♪ I always was ♪
♪ Can't help it if he talks like Kissinger does ♪
- Like who?
- [Don] Kissinger.
- Kissinger, our Secretary of State
speaks with a very pronounced German accent.
Do you want to insinuate that I have an accent?
- No Otto, for me you're a French roll.
Do whatever you wanna do.
Oh you're German, give me a break.
I'm just a kid lookin' for a job!
I love Germans, help me Otto.
We go now, we go!
(audience applauds)
♪ Nice guy ♪
♪ In case you didn't know ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ On MASH it doesn't show ♪
♪ The targets of wisecracks ♪
♪ I don't mind their quips ♪
♪ Yeah but all that gets the laughs ♪
♪ But I get the whips ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ A nice shark from the ocean really ♪
♪ He's a nice shark ♪
♪ If jaws were fine machinery ♪
♪ What actor really chews up the scenery ♪
♪ A nice shark that's he ♪
Here we go, shark!
(upbeat music) (audience applauds)
Come on, shark!
We're moving now, daddy!
(audience applauds)
♪ We're all nice guys ♪
♪ We really aren't a menace ♪
♪ We're all nice guys ♪
♪ For money, he'll play tennis ♪
♪ He stayed out of trouble ♪
♪ Like a birdy in the nest ♪
♪ I take care of soldiers with such a touch ♪
♪ And I'm the soldier she takes care of the best ♪
♪ We're all nice guys ♪
♪ We're all nice guys ♪
- I love you.
♪ Nice guys ♪
♪ That's us ♪
(audience applauds)
- Give me a break!
(audience applauds)
15 rounds of boxing, from Detroit Michigan,
at 204 pounds!
Now you're about what, 380?
(audience laughs)
380, he goes in the bathroom, the seat goes, "Get off me!"
(audience laughs)
204 pounds, the brown bomber from Detroit, Joe Louis!
(audience applauds)
Yes, thank you.
Run sir, I can't stall all night.
(audience laughs)
Hello sir, nice to see you.
What is your name, sir?
- Wait a minute, you got me.
- Take your time, try to think of your name.
- Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.
- Jimmy, this is James Caan.
He's a wonderful actor.
(audience applauds)
And you, sir, are such a fine actor,
you all know, Elliot Gould.
(audience applauds)
And this gentlemen
with the trick-or-treat glasses, Michael Caine!
(audience applauds)
You know these two guys?
James Caan, who I know way back.
Elliott Gould I knew way back
when he was struggling, and I was a big star,
and I've always loved you, Michael.
I've loved you the best.
You're a wonderful man.
You really are, and good luck to your country.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- You're laughing, you owe us a great deal of money.
(audience laughs)
World War II, we kept sending guys over there
and your king kept saying, "Could you send some more?"
(audience laughs)
Having fun, huh Pop?
When I blow the whistle, attack him.
(audience laughs)
The black guy went, "I'd do it, I'd do it."
(audience laughs)
I kid ya man, what's your first name, man?
What?
- Mitch. - Come here, Mitch.
Come here, come here.
Come here.
(audience applauds)
Hey man.
If we weren't on TV, I'd do more.
What's your last name, Mitch?
- Mitchell.
- Mitch Mitchell, whatever you say.
(audience laughs)
Okay, guys.
(audience laughs)
What do you do for a living, Mitch?
- I'm a cop.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
- My luck, can you see us?
We'll be in Detroit, okay Jew, pull over.
(audience laughs)
Now let me hear them funny jokes again.
(audience laughs)
I only kid ya, this is your country too.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Unlike you people on safari, listen!
You ever do any acting, Mitch?
These guys are good actors, I tell you what.
I'm gonna be, for fun, okay, if you don't mind?
Your pockets that high?
(audience laughs)
Anyway, I guess your psychiatrist put 'em there,
so you'd stop, anyway.
(audience applauds)
Dumbbell's repeating it to Elliott,
and Elliott's going, "I heard him."
(audience laughs)
"I know what he said."
(audience laughs)
Now, come here Mitch.
I'm gonna be co-chiefs.
Michael, you come on this side.
Come over here, Michael.
You're gonna be Running Knife, okay?
Jimmy, you get on the other side of Mitch,
and Elliott, you get right over there.
We're gonna be Indians, okay?
Come here, Mitch, you got a minute?
Now, come here.
Jimmy, get down by him, okay?
Over there, Jimmy, good.
You don't like to hang around health clubs, do ya?
Can you get down on your feet?
What am I doin' here, what am I?
I feel like I'm a Polish lady
tryin' to get my son out of prison.
(audience laughs)
My son Kovalchuk'd never kill anybody!
I'll clean the elevator if he come out of prison.
No, now we're not gonna take football pictures.
Put both feet on the ground, if you don't mind.
You can do whatever you want, Mitch.
(audience laughs)
You're blocking Jimmy, he's a big star.
Come on over, Jimmy, come around.
Come around this way, Jimmy.
Put both feet, I'll go for the cleaning bill.
(audience laughs)
Little fairy actor, put both feet on the ground!
(audience laughs)
Worried about his lousy pants.
My tuxedo's $350, that's a cockamamie,
that's a suit you wear in Burma,
during a rubber plantation festival.
(audience laughs)
Your outfit's perfect.
Now.
(audience applauds)
Now, we're gonna do a ceremonial, my god.
I think I got malaria.
Look at that, the Japanese guy went "Goody, goody!"
(audience laughs)
Okay, now we do the Apache prayer, okay?
I start it.
(singing nonsense)
(audience laughs)
(singing nonsense)
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
Must be some new tribe.
(singing nonsense)
(singing nonsense)
(audience laughs)
(speaking nonsense language)
(audience applauds)
(singing nonsense)
♪ Hawa, get me out of here ♪
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- The shirt on the end is a real Indian.
Now we smoke the pipe Mitch, peace.
(singing nonsense)
No, the pipe of peace!
(audience laughs)
Give the colored guy a mic, and right away
they wanna write an album.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
(audience laughs)
We got a junkie cop on our hands.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
Hey, let's hear it for these guys.
- Hi.
- You can see me?
- Sure, takes one to know one.
- Say, aren't you playing over at the Flamingo?
- Uh-huh.
- How you doing?
- Oh, we're right in the middle of the Broadway finale.
- Great number.
- Oh, thank you Don.
Hey, you feel lucky tonight?
- I'm married.
- Oh Don, you're silly.
No, I mean can we give the casino a try?
- I can't, I keep all my money in my other pants.
(audience laughs)
- This the wife, huh?
She's built like my wife, ooh.
Same type.
My wife takes off her bra at night,
and her head hits the sink.
(audience laughs)
But I tell you, so help me,
everything I do on this stage,
I do from my heart, to laugh at ourselves.
May I never go to heaven, if I lie to ya.
(Don gasping) (audience laughs)
What are you taking oaths for?
You're fooling around with heaven.
(wind whistling)
- [Man] Your name?
- Rickles.
Don Rickles.
Are you the head guy here?
- Oh no, no, no, no, I'm just in charge of this section.
The show business section.
Rickles, Rickles, Rickles, Donald.
- You can call me Don.
- Mr. Rickles, just exactly what is it that you do?
- Well, it's not easy to explain.
You see, I insult people.
- You insult people?
- Well, not like that, you see?
What I do is I make fun of their size,
their shape, their color.
You know, I sort of hit 'em below the belt,
hit 'em right where they live.
Take the skeletons right out of the closet.
- I see.
Mr. Rickles has gone through life insulting people,
poking fun at their infirmities and misfortunes,
showing no sympathy, no feeling, no,
would that be an accurate description?
- No, no sir, you see, I'm in show business.
That's my act, that's an act!
Well, you never saw my act, huh?
Is there anybody else I could talk to?
- No.
- Oh, that's fine, fine.
You must be busy, anyway.
- Yes, I am.
However, Mr. Rickles, I'm very sorry to have to say this,
but you surely couldn't expect to get through these gates
with a record like yours.
You've insulted people, you've been mean--
- No, no, no, that's not true.
You don't understand, sir.
You see, in real life I'm adorable.
I'm a nice guy.
They call me Mr. Warm.
- It's a good name, where you're going.
- No, no I have children and a family,
and a lot of friends.
- You have friends?
- Oh, millions!
All kinds of friends.
Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Don Adams,
you've heard of Don Adams.
- Oh of course, now he's funny!
- Yes, well, you wait right here,
and I'll go get him.
- Oh, don't bother.
(wind whistles)
- Am I glad to see you.
- Don, I'm glad to see you, too.
Where in the world are we?
- Just shut up, eh dummy?
Tell this nice man what a nice man I am.
- Are you kidding, why?
- Don, will you look around?
Look around you and see where we are!
- Yes, well that's all very well and good, Don.
Look, I was just...
You mean?
- Right.
- Oh.
- Now, tell this nice man what a nice man I am.
- Well, to tell you the truth, Don,
you've got a lot of gall bringing me up here
just to tell him that.
- Don, I'm being judged.
- And high time, if you ask me.
Your honor, this man's record speaks for itself.
The defense rests!
- That's it?
- That's it.
- You have nothing to add?
- Absolutely nothing.
This man has been a thorn in my side
ever since I've known him.
- Don!
- Well, it's true.
You see, your honor, this man is very unique.
He just makes fun of celebrities,
and he picks on 'em, and they laugh at everything he says.
He walks out on the stage, and says anything
that comes into his mind, and they fall
right out of their chairs, laughing at him.
- Am I then to understand that this person, Rickles,
actually does bring joy to the world?
- Oh certainly, your honor.
For example, did you see the picture "Run Silent Run Deep?"
He played a despicable submarine commander,
and in a picture called "The Rat Race,"
he played a despicable bartender.
- Wasn't he ever in anything where he wasn't despicable?
- Yes, well, your honor, if you mind,
could I borrow your pencil?
- You know, I just loved you and that phone shoe.
That's the greatest thing, that's funny.
- Thank you very much, your honor.
Love the shoe phone.
Watch this.
- I am the guerrilla leader, I am the leader.
You are nobody.
You hear me, American, you're nobody.
You think you blow up the bridge?
You cannot blow up the bridge without me,
'cause I am the man, I am the guerrilla leader!
- Careful, some of that's getting in your mouth.
(wind whistling)
- Which one was he?
- He was the despicable one drinking the wine.
- The drunk?
- Thanks a lot.
(Don bellowing)
(monkeys chattering)
I'm so lonely, I gotta get a broad.
- What does that word mean?
- Huh, what word?
- Broad.
- Broad, yes.
- Sh, sh, sh.
- Well, yes?
- Well, broad means-- - Sh, sh.
A coconut.
- A papaya.
- With a lot of hickory nuts.
- That's too bad.
Tarzan should've wanted a mate.
(gentle guitar music)
♪ Everybody's talking at me ♪
♪ I don't hear a word they're saying ♪
♪ Only the echoes of my mind ♪
♪ People stop and stare and ♪
♪ I can't see their faces ♪
♪ Only the shadows of their eyes ♪
- What kind of cigarette was that you were smoking,
and don't give me that coconut papaya jazz again.
- Well, it was one of those, you know--
- Would you shut up and let me handle this?
I'm sorry, your honor, but are you familiar
with a man named Charlton Heston?
Tall guy with blonde hair, usually walks around
with a staff and a lot of sheep?
- Yes, indeed.
- Yes, well you're gonna love this.
- Children of Israel,
I have been to the mountain called Sinai,
and I have brought back the 10 Commandments.
(stone clatters)
Would you believe five?
(thunder rumbles)
- I guess he didn't like Charlton Heston.
- Rickles, Donald?
It is the final verdict--
- Hold it!
(thunder rumbles)
It's a good thing you didn't defend Dreyfuss.
Sir, before you make your final judgment,
may I plead his case?
- I'm sorry, the verdict is in, that's it.
- But I understand this is the show business section,
so you must know about comedians.
- Oh yes, we have Will Rogers, W.C. Fields.
- W.C. Fields got in here?
- Well, his brand of comedy--
- Aha! - Aha!
- What's aha?
- Exactly my point.
You see, comedy isn't just making people laugh.
It's making them laugh at things
that deserve to be laughed at,
and Don Rickles doesn't insult people.
He insults their prejudices, their greed, their stupidity,
the things that divide people from one another.
- I do that?
- Shut up, he's on a roll.
- Because crazy as it may seem,
this clown believes in people.
He believes in their goodness.
That's why he tears into their badness as hard as he can.
- Hm, we work somewhat on the same basis up here.
- How do you like that?
He bought that jazz.
- Well, I think I'll look it over.
I'll review the record.
- Oh, that's great.
- Not of Rickles, of W.C. Fields.
(thunder rumbles)
(audience applauds)
- What a night.
What a night.
W.C. Fields, how about that?
Wow, what a night!
Could always be an actor.
I've acted in lots of plays.
Mr. Roberts, Born Yesterday.
Inherit the Wind.
Funny, you were just on trial up there.
In that play, you were on trial down here.
But we're on your side.
It's a matter of faith.
Must not abandon faith.
Faith is the most important thing.
- Then why did God plague us with the power to think?
Tell me, Mr. Brady.
Why do you deny the one faculty which lifts man
above all other creatures on the earth?
The power of his brain to reason.
What other merit have we?
The elephant is larger, the horse is stronger, swifter.
The butterfly more beautiful, the mosquito more prolific.
Even the simple sponge is more durable.
What does a sponge think?
- I don't know, I'm a man, not a sponge.
- Do you think a sponge thinks?
- The lord wishes a sponge to think?
It thinks.
- Does a man have the same privileges that a sponge does?
- Of course.
- This man wishes to be accorded
the same privileges as a sponge.
He wishes to think!
- But your client is wrong, he's deluded, he's lost his way.
- Too bad, we aren't all gifted with your positive knowledge
of right and wrong, Mr. Brady.
How old do you think this rock is?
- I am more interested in the rock of ages
than the age of rocks.
- Dr. Page of Oberlin college tells me
this rock is at least 10 million years old.
- Well, Colonel Drummond,
I see you manage to sneak in
some scientific evidence after all.
- Look, Mr. Brady.
These are the fossil remains
of a prehistoric marine creature
which was found in this very county,
which lived here millions of years ago
when these very mountain ranges were submerged in water.
- I know.
The Bible gives a fine account of the flood,
but your professor is mixed up on his dates.
That rock is no more than 6,000 years old.
- How do you know?
- A fine biblical scholar, Bishop Usher,
was able to determine for us the exact date and hour
of the creation.
It occurred in the year 4004 BC.
- That's Bishop Usher's opinion.
- It is not an opinion.
It's a literal fact, which the good bishop
arrived at through careful computation
of the ages of the prophets,
as set down in the Old Testament.
In fact, he determined that the Lord began the creation
on the 23rd of October in the year 4004 BC at nine a.m.
- That Eastern Standard Time?
Or Rocky Mountain Time?
Well it wasn't Daylight Saving's Time, was it?
Because the Lord didn't make the sun until the fourth day.
- That is correct.
- That first day, was that a 24 hour day?
- The Bible says it was a day.
- Well, there wasn't any sun.
How do you know how long it was?
- Bible says it was a day.
- Was it a normal day, a literal day, a 24 hour day?
- I, I don't know.
- What do ya think?
- I do not think about things I do not think about.
- Do you ever think about things you do think about?
Isn't it possible that first day was 25 hours long?
There was no way to measure, no way to tell.
Could it have been 25 hours long?
- It's possible.
- So you interpret that the first day
recorded in the Book of Genesis
could be of indeterminate length?
- I meant to state that the day referred to
was not necessarily a 24 hour day.
- It could've been 30 hours, or a month, or a year,
or 100 years, or 10 million years.
- No trust.
I know what you're trying to do, Colonel Drummond.
You're trying to destroy our belief
in the Bible and in God.
- You know that's not true.
I'm trying to stop you bigots and ignoramuses
from controlling the education
of the United States, and you know it!
- How dare you attack the Bible?
- A Bible is a book.
It's a good book, but it's not the only book.
- It is the revealed word of the almighty!
God spake to the men who wrote the Bible.
- How do you know God didn't spake to Charles Darwin?
- 'Cause God told me to oppose such men with evil teachings.
- God speaks to you. - Yes.
- He tells you exactly what is right, and what is wrong.
- Yes.
- And you act accordingly. - Yes.
- So you, Matthew Harrison Brady,
through oratory, legislation, or whatever,
pass along God's orders to the rest of the world?
Gentlemen, meet the prophet from Nebraska!
Is that the way of things?
God tells Brady what is good.
To be against Brady is to be against God?
- No, no, each man is a free agent!
- Then what is Bertram Cates doing in the Hillsboro jail?
Suppose Mr. Cates had enough influence or lung power
to railroad through the state legislature or laws
that only Darwin should be taught in the schools.
- Ridiculous, ridiculous!
There is only one great truth in the world.
- The Gospel according to Brady.
God talks to Brady, and Brady tells the world!
Brady, Brady, Brady almighty!
- The Lord is my strength.
- Suppose a lesser human being, a Cates or a Darwin
had the audacity to believe
that God might whisper in his ear
that an un-Brady thought might still be holy.
Must men go to prison because they're at odds
with a self-appointed prophet?
Let's extend the testaments.
Let us have a book of Brady!
Yes, we'll slip you in neatly
between Numbers and Deuteronomy.
- Ladies and gentlemen, your honor.
You all know me.
You know what I stand for.
You know what I believe in.
I believe, I believe, I believe.
I believe in the truth in the Book of Genesis,
Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Joshua, Judges.
Ruth, First Samuel, Second Samuel.
First Kings, Second Kings.
- The testimony is concluded.
The witness is excused.
- Isaiah, Jeremiah, Limitations,
Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea,
Joel, Amos, Obadiah.
Jonah, Micah, Nahum.
Habakkuk, Zephaniah.
Zachariah, Malachi.
They're laughing at me.
I, I can't stand it when they laugh at me.
(Brady whimpering)
(audience laughs)
Now what is it you do for a living, seriously son.
Forget 'em, next.
Get the redhead, the nice-lookin' broad.
(audience laughs)
Sitting with the sport shirt.
Find out if they're married.
Is that your wife, sir?
Holy.
(audience laughs)
Take a look, Bobby, am I wrong?
She's pretty, it'll work, it'll work, I know it.
Stand up and take a look.
Stand up and take a look, you can take a look.
What you guys, take a look, see if I'm wrong.
Geez, not a bad looking broad.
Holy, let's see here.
Holy crap.
This broad must've been born and hit the hospital floor.
(audience laughs)
Here, lady!
(audience laughs)
I kid you sir, try shots.
(audience laughs)
- Attaboy Don, give 'em hell!
- I wish you hadn't said that.
(flames crackling) (ominous music)
Sir, could ya help me a minute?
Sir, sir?
Sir, if you could help me?
Somebody?
Anybody, help me.
Could you help me?
Sir?
- Don, Don Rickles in person!
I can't tell you how I've looked forward to this moment.
- Are you the head guy around here?
- You know it.
The original Mr. Warm.
I can't get over it, Don Rickles in my domain, wow!
You know, you're my idol.
- I'm your idol?
- [Devil] You're my kinda guy.
- Whoopee.
- You know, you're gonna love it here.
You're gonna fit in perfectly.
Now we have Machiavelli, and we have Torquemada.
He does the Inquisition bit,
and of course, the ever popular Attila the Hun,
and let me see, who else?
Oh yeah, see that fella going by there?
He's the one who threw the first match at Joan of Arc.
- I'm not like those people!
- Oh, I know, compared to you they're just small potatoes.
Fried potatoes, but don't worry,
we've got a lot of biggies here.
We've got the fella who started the Chicago fire,
and the fellow who sank the Titanic.
- No, no, I'm not in that league.
I'm a nightclub act.
- Oh, come on now, don't be modest.
What you do to people!
You insult Black people, brown people,
yellow people-- - White.
- That's good, too.
And then the trouble you start.
I mean, racial wars, TV game shows.
- No!
- You get people to fighting, and stabbing,
and burning, and killing!
- I make them laugh.
- Laugh?
Oh I see, you mean they die laughing.
That's very good.
They always told me that you kill the people.
- My way, not yours.
- What does it matter, as long as you get the job done?
No, no, Rickles, you are in our hall of fame,
and you didn't get there by licking lollipops.
Say, do you know Telly Savalas?
- [Don] He's a pussycat.
- Yeah, well, you can't win 'em all.
You know, I hate to ask you to do this.
You just got here, and all that,
but could you do a little bit of your act
for some of our guests?
Come on everybody, come on.
Don Rickles is going to entertain us.
Here we go, gather round.
- I knew this was hell, another benefit.
(thunder rumbles)
Boy.
Oh there's the guy, that's the trouble, yeah.
Yeah, Sam, Charlie, whatever your name is, Japanese kid,
hanging around the jungle all the time
looking for hot cameras.
And I don't even know if you're Japanese or Chinese,
or you're probably a Jewish kid and you had your eyes fixed.
I'm fed up with you, kid.
Ah, this is my kinda guy, there he is.
Huh, sure, colored kid.
You are a colored kid.
If you ain't, you fell in a bucket of M&Ms.
When I give the signal, tap dance.
That's all you people know,
just sittin' around the house goin'
"I'm comin' home, Daddy, I'm comin' home."
Who cares when you come home?
Do what you do best, sleep!
Pain in the neck, just hanging around,
just sitting by the railroad track going, "Here, Sounder!
"Here, Sounder!"
Who cares about Sounder?
Shoot that dog, anyway.
You're okay.
A little big, but not bad.
You're okay, and get rid of that patch on your eye
and get your own ship
and get a group of pirates.
Get Anthony Quinn and go out to sea for a half hour.
You're annoying me, but you're big, you're big.
My wife gets ill, I'm gonna give you a call.
She should die by Friday.
Now, you're my kinda guy, look at this huh?
All lump.
You're annoying me, got a nice personality.
What happened, did you run into a wall?
Look at the nose on this guy.
When you were born, you were a hawk.
You got a bad nose, I'm telling you that as a friend.
That thing is suckin' up the sand.
You oughta get it stepped on and fixed, really.
I don't understand it, where are my biggies?
Are we making it?
I get screams when I work with this stuff,
I don't understand it.
(thunder rumbles)
- That's your act?
- Yeah, yeah, that's what I do.
- Rickles, I'm bitterly disappointed in you.
Well, another idol shot to heaven.
Okay, come on everybody, let's get the oil ready.
Oil one!
- Well, well I, I don't understand it.
No laughs for an eternity?
- All right Rickles, we're ready for ya, come on.
- Nah, nah, I don't belong with you.
I can't sink the Titanic, or start an earthquake.
All I can do is make people laugh, and I do.
I get 'em laughing at themselves, and at the other guy,
and all the lousy problems and troubles that you cause!
That's the only way to beat you,
because every time somebody laughs, you lose.
Step aside, you dummy.
Are you kiddin' me, you hockey puck?
You look ridiculous with your little
trick-or-treat bowtie, with the fake dicky.
I hope you become a waiter in a bad restaurant,
and soup pours down your pants,
and you think your parakeet died!
Ah, kiss my dragonfly.
I don't need you, I'm fed up with you.
I don't know who you are, devil or not.
Are you breathing on me, 'cause if you ain't,
my socks are rollin' down.
Now get outta my life.
I know how I'm gonna get out of here.
I'm gonna laugh my way out, that's how buddy!
(Don laughs) (thunder rumbles)
Is he laughin'?
Is he comin' towards me?
Watch me, could be a lot of trouble.
(gentle piano music)
♪ I swear that it's true ♪
♪ I love to do what I do ♪
♪ To share this laughter I give ♪
♪ For just a little love from you ♪
(audience applauds)
Thank you so much.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a beautiful audience,
and with your kindness, my fine arranger, conductor,
and composer, who I'd be lost without.
I adore him dearly, Mr. Bobby Kroll.
Would you give him a big hand?
(audience applauds)
Ladies and gentlemen, a group of gentlemen
who are magnificent musicians,
and I was delighted they played our show,
and to their fine conductor, Mr. Nat Branwen,
thank you Nat for your great, great work.
Nat Branwen and his fine orchestra, Nat?
(audience applauds)
And ladies, madam, thank you dear.
You've been a delight, I just wanna say
to all of the Caesar Palace people,
Caesar's Palace, Edwin Weinberger and Sid Gathrid,
and the entire staff for making our stay so beautiful.
We are indeed indebted to them.
They're delightful men.
Mr. Morris Shanker, I want to thank him
for his fine efforts, we're very grateful.
Just everybody connected with this fine city,
you've made us feel at home and we've enjoyed.
(audience applauds)
If you would, a big hand for three great artists.
Michael Caine, Elliott Gould, and James Caan.
Gentlemen?
(audience applauds)
Take a bow Jimmy, more.
(audience applauds)
Thank you fellas, I love you.
And good luck in "Harry and Walter Go to New York."
The best.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wonderful audience,
and all I can tell ya, enjoy life,
and as long as you live, never forget your mother.
If she be in the eternity, or here on this earth,
because so help me God, a mother will never forget you.
I swear to that.
Goodnight Mom in Florida, and may God give you strength.
(audience applauds)
♪ So that's my story ♪
♪ It's been a ball ♪
♪ Thanks to your hospitality and the use of the hall ♪
♪ To every Jane and Jimmy ♪
♪ Every Tom and Timmy ♪
Goodnight, and peace, God bless you!
(audience applauds) (upbeat music)
♪ A nice guy, that's me ♪
- [Don] Yeah, thanks, Charlie.
Art!
- Hey Don, the wife says to thank you for the flowers.
- [Don] Glad she liked 'em, Art.
How's she coming along?
- Oh fine, fine, she'll be home in another week.
- [Don] Good, then you got no excuse
for ruining the food from now on.
- Absolutely not.
- Hey Don, Don, do me a favor, get the guy at my table.
The guy's drivin' me nuts.
The guy's a real hockey puck!
- [Don] Okay, Frankie.
Hi Karen, how's business tonight?
- Another packed house tonight, Mr. Rickles.
You sure make me earn my money.
- [Don] Boy, she's pretty.
My luck I'm happily married.
The first laugh gotta get 'em right away.
Some night I'm gonna walk out there, and whammo,
right down the tubes.
Not a laugh.
(people chattering)
- [Announcer] And now, ladies and gentlemen, Don Rickles!
(audience applauds)
(dramatic music)
- [Don] Not tonight, huh, please, please?
(audience applauds)
- [Announcer] Rickles, starring Don Rickles!
Co-starring Jack Klugman, Don Adams, Michele Lee.
Almost starring James Caan, Michael Caine,
Jose Ferrer, Arthur Godfrey,
Elliott Gould, Larry Linville,
Jack Palance, Otto Preminger,
Bobby Riggs, Loretta Swit.
(audience applauds)
- Roll, come on, roll baby.
Nice, nice, nice, nice.
(drums crashing)
(audience laughs)
Now you ruined the whole damn show.
Nah, to hell with it.
I'm not gonna do this show.
Nah, I'm not gonna do this show, I don't need it.
No, the man ruined the show!
(audience laughs)
Am I right or wrong, lady?
I come out, wait a minute,
I come out on this stage here, what are you playing?
They're on a ship saying goodbye, these dumbbells.
(audience laughs)
I try to come out to this,
and the man has stopped the music.
Is that right or wrong, lady?
Don't you understand anything, lady?
(audience laughs)
The woman's got a cord on her neck.
That's enough of the audience.
What are you, Monty Hall?
Trying to do a show!
I spoke to the home, you go Friday.
Okay, that's enough.
I said that's enough.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do the show, I don't need it.
Listen to me, dummy.
I'm your alter ego.
The little guy inside your head, remember?
(audience laughs)
It's about time.
I mean, you try to do a job, and you ruin it!
I'm an entertainer, I'm not a jerk here.
There's a lotta people here, look at these people here.
(audience laughs)
Supposed to bring me out with class and dignity.
Can you see me?
Now, I'll tell ya something.
Over here, over here.
40 million leaders, I gotta get an old guy who's (groans).
(audience laughs)
Don't bring me out like that.
These guys, they don't care.
They'll do any damn thing.
♪ Dah dah dah dah dah ♪
I'm not even Mexican.
(audience laughs)
Hahaha yourself!
The Japanese kid, am I Mexican?
(audience laughs)
You with the funny eyes, I'm talkin' to you!
(audience laughs)
Kid's sitting there going who's got funny eyes?
(audience laughs)
Nice crowd, you're nice people.
It's good to have you here this evening.
Any Italians here?
Nice, now a minute left to the vamp.
Arabic.
Anyway.
(audience laughs)
No, I kid you.
(speaking foreign language)
Which means, I hope you get a hump on your back.
(audience laughs)
No, Arabic, a Jew, we are brothers.
Arabic are Jews, it doesn't matter to me,
so we're all human beings.
God bless you, really.
(audience applauds)
I think he bought that.
(audience laughs)
Anyway,
No, I kid you.
Shalom, peace.
(audience laughs)
That guy had a grenade on him.
(audience laughs)
Just kiddin' around, no need to get hot about it.
Keep it rollin', keep it rollin'.
It's time for the vamp.
Hey, that's exciting.
Louisville, Kentucky, right Dad?
What's your last name?
- Carnavalis.
- Carnavalis? - Yeah.
- I had that in the Navy, it starts out as a rash.
(audience laughs)
Then it becomes a Carnavalis.
Is this the wife?
(audience laughs)
What'd you have for dinner, fish?
(audience laughs)
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ In spite of what you've heard ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ You can bet your little bird ♪
♪ Whenever you see me ♪
♪ Just don't stop to chat ♪
♪ I'm sorry lady, I can't help it if you're fat ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ People all adore me ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ Psychiatrists explore me ♪
♪ I lie on the couch ♪
♪ And they try not to bore me ♪
♪ A nice guy, that's me ♪
(audience applauds)
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ I'll put your mind at ease ♪
♪ A polite guy ♪
♪ Lady, how about your knees ♪
♪ Love little kids, and a stray cat or dog ♪
♪ But this group tonight is from a Sears Catalog ♪
♪ I'm a swell guy ♪
♪ The band thinks I'm groovy ♪
♪ But they're all high ♪
♪ They think they're at a movie ♪
♪ They only stay awake ♪
♪ 'Til you people approve me ♪
♪ A nice guy, that's me ♪
Watch this, Louisville.
(upbeat music) (audience applauds)
(clears throat)
(audience applauds)
♪ I'll tell ya here and now ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ Rickles showed me how ♪
♪ I'm sweet, I'm gentle ♪
♪ And loaded with charm ♪
♪ If you don't believe me, I'll break your arm ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ I'm a nice guy, couldn't be sweeter ♪
♪ Billie Jean who ♪
♪ I surely could defeat her ♪
♪ Oh how she'd cry ♪
♪ I just couldn't beat her ♪
♪ A nice guy, that's me ♪
(audience applauds)
♪ I'm a nice guy, and very sure of that ♪
♪ Call me Otto, I'm just a pussycat ♪
♪ I'm really a sweetheart ♪
♪ I always was ♪
♪ Can't help it if he talks like Kissinger does ♪
- Like who?
- [Don] Kissinger.
- Kissinger, our Secretary of State
speaks with a very pronounced German accent.
Do you want to insinuate that I have an accent?
- No Otto, for me you're a French roll.
Do whatever you wanna do.
Oh you're German, give me a break.
I'm just a kid lookin' for a job!
I love Germans, help me Otto.
We go now, we go!
(audience applauds)
♪ Nice guy ♪
♪ In case you didn't know ♪
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
♪ On MASH it doesn't show ♪
♪ The targets of wisecracks ♪
♪ I don't mind their quips ♪
♪ Yeah but all that gets the laughs ♪
♪ But I get the whips ♪
(audience laughs)
♪ A nice shark from the ocean really ♪
♪ He's a nice shark ♪
♪ If jaws were fine machinery ♪
♪ What actor really chews up the scenery ♪
♪ A nice shark that's he ♪
Here we go, shark!
(upbeat music) (audience applauds)
Come on, shark!
We're moving now, daddy!
(audience applauds)
♪ We're all nice guys ♪
♪ We really aren't a menace ♪
♪ We're all nice guys ♪
♪ For money, he'll play tennis ♪
♪ He stayed out of trouble ♪
♪ Like a birdy in the nest ♪
♪ I take care of soldiers with such a touch ♪
♪ And I'm the soldier she takes care of the best ♪
♪ We're all nice guys ♪
♪ We're all nice guys ♪
- I love you.
♪ Nice guys ♪
♪ That's us ♪
(audience applauds)
- Give me a break!
(audience applauds)
15 rounds of boxing, from Detroit Michigan,
at 204 pounds!
Now you're about what, 380?
(audience laughs)
380, he goes in the bathroom, the seat goes, "Get off me!"
(audience laughs)
204 pounds, the brown bomber from Detroit, Joe Louis!
(audience applauds)
Yes, thank you.
Run sir, I can't stall all night.
(audience laughs)
Hello sir, nice to see you.
What is your name, sir?
- Wait a minute, you got me.
- Take your time, try to think of your name.
- Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.
- Jimmy, this is James Caan.
He's a wonderful actor.
(audience applauds)
And you, sir, are such a fine actor,
you all know, Elliot Gould.
(audience applauds)
And this gentlemen
with the trick-or-treat glasses, Michael Caine!
(audience applauds)
You know these two guys?
James Caan, who I know way back.
Elliott Gould I knew way back
when he was struggling, and I was a big star,
and I've always loved you, Michael.
I've loved you the best.
You're a wonderful man.
You really are, and good luck to your country.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
- You're laughing, you owe us a great deal of money.
(audience laughs)
World War II, we kept sending guys over there
and your king kept saying, "Could you send some more?"
(audience laughs)
Having fun, huh Pop?
When I blow the whistle, attack him.
(audience laughs)
The black guy went, "I'd do it, I'd do it."
(audience laughs)
I kid ya man, what's your first name, man?
What?
- Mitch. - Come here, Mitch.
Come here, come here.
Come here.
(audience applauds)
Hey man.
If we weren't on TV, I'd do more.
What's your last name, Mitch?
- Mitchell.
- Mitch Mitchell, whatever you say.
(audience laughs)
Okay, guys.
(audience laughs)
What do you do for a living, Mitch?
- I'm a cop.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
- My luck, can you see us?
We'll be in Detroit, okay Jew, pull over.
(audience laughs)
Now let me hear them funny jokes again.
(audience laughs)
I only kid ya, this is your country too.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Unlike you people on safari, listen!
You ever do any acting, Mitch?
These guys are good actors, I tell you what.
I'm gonna be, for fun, okay, if you don't mind?
Your pockets that high?
(audience laughs)
Anyway, I guess your psychiatrist put 'em there,
so you'd stop, anyway.
(audience applauds)
Dumbbell's repeating it to Elliott,
and Elliott's going, "I heard him."
(audience laughs)
"I know what he said."
(audience laughs)
Now, come here Mitch.
I'm gonna be co-chiefs.
Michael, you come on this side.
Come over here, Michael.
You're gonna be Running Knife, okay?
Jimmy, you get on the other side of Mitch,
and Elliott, you get right over there.
We're gonna be Indians, okay?
Come here, Mitch, you got a minute?
Now, come here.
Jimmy, get down by him, okay?
Over there, Jimmy, good.
You don't like to hang around health clubs, do ya?
Can you get down on your feet?
What am I doin' here, what am I?
I feel like I'm a Polish lady
tryin' to get my son out of prison.
(audience laughs)
My son Kovalchuk'd never kill anybody!
I'll clean the elevator if he come out of prison.
No, now we're not gonna take football pictures.
Put both feet on the ground, if you don't mind.
You can do whatever you want, Mitch.
(audience laughs)
You're blocking Jimmy, he's a big star.
Come on over, Jimmy, come around.
Come around this way, Jimmy.
Put both feet, I'll go for the cleaning bill.
(audience laughs)
Little fairy actor, put both feet on the ground!
(audience laughs)
Worried about his lousy pants.
My tuxedo's $350, that's a cockamamie,
that's a suit you wear in Burma,
during a rubber plantation festival.
(audience laughs)
Your outfit's perfect.
Now.
(audience applauds)
Now, we're gonna do a ceremonial, my god.
I think I got malaria.
Look at that, the Japanese guy went "Goody, goody!"
(audience laughs)
Okay, now we do the Apache prayer, okay?
I start it.
(singing nonsense)
(audience laughs)
(singing nonsense)
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
Must be some new tribe.
(singing nonsense)
(singing nonsense)
(audience laughs)
(speaking nonsense language)
(audience applauds)
(singing nonsense)
♪ Hawa, get me out of here ♪
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- The shirt on the end is a real Indian.
Now we smoke the pipe Mitch, peace.
(singing nonsense)
No, the pipe of peace!
(audience laughs)
Give the colored guy a mic, and right away
they wanna write an album.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
(audience laughs)
We got a junkie cop on our hands.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
Hey, let's hear it for these guys.
- Hi.
- You can see me?
- Sure, takes one to know one.
- Say, aren't you playing over at the Flamingo?
- Uh-huh.
- How you doing?
- Oh, we're right in the middle of the Broadway finale.
- Great number.
- Oh, thank you Don.
Hey, you feel lucky tonight?
- I'm married.
- Oh Don, you're silly.
No, I mean can we give the casino a try?
- I can't, I keep all my money in my other pants.
(audience laughs)
- This the wife, huh?
She's built like my wife, ooh.
Same type.
My wife takes off her bra at night,
and her head hits the sink.
(audience laughs)
But I tell you, so help me,
everything I do on this stage,
I do from my heart, to laugh at ourselves.
May I never go to heaven, if I lie to ya.
(Don gasping) (audience laughs)
What are you taking oaths for?
You're fooling around with heaven.
(wind whistling)
- [Man] Your name?
- Rickles.
Don Rickles.
Are you the head guy here?
- Oh no, no, no, no, I'm just in charge of this section.
The show business section.
Rickles, Rickles, Rickles, Donald.
- You can call me Don.
- Mr. Rickles, just exactly what is it that you do?
- Well, it's not easy to explain.
You see, I insult people.
- You insult people?
- Well, not like that, you see?
What I do is I make fun of their size,
their shape, their color.
You know, I sort of hit 'em below the belt,
hit 'em right where they live.
Take the skeletons right out of the closet.
- I see.
Mr. Rickles has gone through life insulting people,
poking fun at their infirmities and misfortunes,
showing no sympathy, no feeling, no,
would that be an accurate description?
- No, no sir, you see, I'm in show business.
That's my act, that's an act!
Well, you never saw my act, huh?
Is there anybody else I could talk to?
- No.
- Oh, that's fine, fine.
You must be busy, anyway.
- Yes, I am.
However, Mr. Rickles, I'm very sorry to have to say this,
but you surely couldn't expect to get through these gates
with a record like yours.
You've insulted people, you've been mean--
- No, no, no, that's not true.
You don't understand, sir.
You see, in real life I'm adorable.
I'm a nice guy.
They call me Mr. Warm.
- It's a good name, where you're going.
- No, no I have children and a family,
and a lot of friends.
- You have friends?
- Oh, millions!
All kinds of friends.
Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Don Adams,
you've heard of Don Adams.
- Oh of course, now he's funny!
- Yes, well, you wait right here,
and I'll go get him.
- Oh, don't bother.
(wind whistles)
- Am I glad to see you.
- Don, I'm glad to see you, too.
Where in the world are we?
- Just shut up, eh dummy?
Tell this nice man what a nice man I am.
- Are you kidding, why?
- Don, will you look around?
Look around you and see where we are!
- Yes, well that's all very well and good, Don.
Look, I was just...
You mean?
- Right.
- Oh.
- Now, tell this nice man what a nice man I am.
- Well, to tell you the truth, Don,
you've got a lot of gall bringing me up here
just to tell him that.
- Don, I'm being judged.
- And high time, if you ask me.
Your honor, this man's record speaks for itself.
The defense rests!
- That's it?
- That's it.
- You have nothing to add?
- Absolutely nothing.
This man has been a thorn in my side
ever since I've known him.
- Don!
- Well, it's true.
You see, your honor, this man is very unique.
He just makes fun of celebrities,
and he picks on 'em, and they laugh at everything he says.
He walks out on the stage, and says anything
that comes into his mind, and they fall
right out of their chairs, laughing at him.
- Am I then to understand that this person, Rickles,
actually does bring joy to the world?
- Oh certainly, your honor.
For example, did you see the picture "Run Silent Run Deep?"
He played a despicable submarine commander,
and in a picture called "The Rat Race,"
he played a despicable bartender.
- Wasn't he ever in anything where he wasn't despicable?
- Yes, well, your honor, if you mind,
could I borrow your pencil?
- You know, I just loved you and that phone shoe.
That's the greatest thing, that's funny.
- Thank you very much, your honor.
Love the shoe phone.
Watch this.
- I am the guerrilla leader, I am the leader.
You are nobody.
You hear me, American, you're nobody.
You think you blow up the bridge?
You cannot blow up the bridge without me,
'cause I am the man, I am the guerrilla leader!
- Careful, some of that's getting in your mouth.
(wind whistling)
- Which one was he?
- He was the despicable one drinking the wine.
- The drunk?
- Thanks a lot.
(Don bellowing)
(monkeys chattering)
I'm so lonely, I gotta get a broad.
- What does that word mean?
- Huh, what word?
- Broad.
- Broad, yes.
- Sh, sh, sh.
- Well, yes?
- Well, broad means-- - Sh, sh.
A coconut.
- A papaya.
- With a lot of hickory nuts.
- That's too bad.
Tarzan should've wanted a mate.
(gentle guitar music)
♪ Everybody's talking at me ♪
♪ I don't hear a word they're saying ♪
♪ Only the echoes of my mind ♪
♪ People stop and stare and ♪
♪ I can't see their faces ♪
♪ Only the shadows of their eyes ♪
- What kind of cigarette was that you were smoking,
and don't give me that coconut papaya jazz again.
- Well, it was one of those, you know--
- Would you shut up and let me handle this?
I'm sorry, your honor, but are you familiar
with a man named Charlton Heston?
Tall guy with blonde hair, usually walks around
with a staff and a lot of sheep?
- Yes, indeed.
- Yes, well you're gonna love this.
- Children of Israel,
I have been to the mountain called Sinai,
and I have brought back the 10 Commandments.
(stone clatters)
Would you believe five?
(thunder rumbles)
- I guess he didn't like Charlton Heston.
- Rickles, Donald?
It is the final verdict--
- Hold it!
(thunder rumbles)
It's a good thing you didn't defend Dreyfuss.
Sir, before you make your final judgment,
may I plead his case?
- I'm sorry, the verdict is in, that's it.
- But I understand this is the show business section,
so you must know about comedians.
- Oh yes, we have Will Rogers, W.C. Fields.
- W.C. Fields got in here?
- Well, his brand of comedy--
- Aha! - Aha!
- What's aha?
- Exactly my point.
You see, comedy isn't just making people laugh.
It's making them laugh at things
that deserve to be laughed at,
and Don Rickles doesn't insult people.
He insults their prejudices, their greed, their stupidity,
the things that divide people from one another.
- I do that?
- Shut up, he's on a roll.
- Because crazy as it may seem,
this clown believes in people.
He believes in their goodness.
That's why he tears into their badness as hard as he can.
- Hm, we work somewhat on the same basis up here.
- How do you like that?
He bought that jazz.
- Well, I think I'll look it over.
I'll review the record.
- Oh, that's great.
- Not of Rickles, of W.C. Fields.
(thunder rumbles)
(audience applauds)
- What a night.
What a night.
W.C. Fields, how about that?
Wow, what a night!
Could always be an actor.
I've acted in lots of plays.
Mr. Roberts, Born Yesterday.
Inherit the Wind.
Funny, you were just on trial up there.
In that play, you were on trial down here.
But we're on your side.
It's a matter of faith.
Must not abandon faith.
Faith is the most important thing.
- Then why did God plague us with the power to think?
Tell me, Mr. Brady.
Why do you deny the one faculty which lifts man
above all other creatures on the earth?
The power of his brain to reason.
What other merit have we?
The elephant is larger, the horse is stronger, swifter.
The butterfly more beautiful, the mosquito more prolific.
Even the simple sponge is more durable.
What does a sponge think?
- I don't know, I'm a man, not a sponge.
- Do you think a sponge thinks?
- The lord wishes a sponge to think?
It thinks.
- Does a man have the same privileges that a sponge does?
- Of course.
- This man wishes to be accorded
the same privileges as a sponge.
He wishes to think!
- But your client is wrong, he's deluded, he's lost his way.
- Too bad, we aren't all gifted with your positive knowledge
of right and wrong, Mr. Brady.
How old do you think this rock is?
- I am more interested in the rock of ages
than the age of rocks.
- Dr. Page of Oberlin college tells me
this rock is at least 10 million years old.
- Well, Colonel Drummond,
I see you manage to sneak in
some scientific evidence after all.
- Look, Mr. Brady.
These are the fossil remains
of a prehistoric marine creature
which was found in this very county,
which lived here millions of years ago
when these very mountain ranges were submerged in water.
- I know.
The Bible gives a fine account of the flood,
but your professor is mixed up on his dates.
That rock is no more than 6,000 years old.
- How do you know?
- A fine biblical scholar, Bishop Usher,
was able to determine for us the exact date and hour
of the creation.
It occurred in the year 4004 BC.
- That's Bishop Usher's opinion.
- It is not an opinion.
It's a literal fact, which the good bishop
arrived at through careful computation
of the ages of the prophets,
as set down in the Old Testament.
In fact, he determined that the Lord began the creation
on the 23rd of October in the year 4004 BC at nine a.m.
- That Eastern Standard Time?
Or Rocky Mountain Time?
Well it wasn't Daylight Saving's Time, was it?
Because the Lord didn't make the sun until the fourth day.
- That is correct.
- That first day, was that a 24 hour day?
- The Bible says it was a day.
- Well, there wasn't any sun.
How do you know how long it was?
- Bible says it was a day.
- Was it a normal day, a literal day, a 24 hour day?
- I, I don't know.
- What do ya think?
- I do not think about things I do not think about.
- Do you ever think about things you do think about?
Isn't it possible that first day was 25 hours long?
There was no way to measure, no way to tell.
Could it have been 25 hours long?
- It's possible.
- So you interpret that the first day
recorded in the Book of Genesis
could be of indeterminate length?
- I meant to state that the day referred to
was not necessarily a 24 hour day.
- It could've been 30 hours, or a month, or a year,
or 100 years, or 10 million years.
- No trust.
I know what you're trying to do, Colonel Drummond.
You're trying to destroy our belief
in the Bible and in God.
- You know that's not true.
I'm trying to stop you bigots and ignoramuses
from controlling the education
of the United States, and you know it!
- How dare you attack the Bible?
- A Bible is a book.
It's a good book, but it's not the only book.
- It is the revealed word of the almighty!
God spake to the men who wrote the Bible.
- How do you know God didn't spake to Charles Darwin?
- 'Cause God told me to oppose such men with evil teachings.
- God speaks to you. - Yes.
- He tells you exactly what is right, and what is wrong.
- Yes.
- And you act accordingly. - Yes.
- So you, Matthew Harrison Brady,
through oratory, legislation, or whatever,
pass along God's orders to the rest of the world?
Gentlemen, meet the prophet from Nebraska!
Is that the way of things?
God tells Brady what is good.
To be against Brady is to be against God?
- No, no, each man is a free agent!
- Then what is Bertram Cates doing in the Hillsboro jail?
Suppose Mr. Cates had enough influence or lung power
to railroad through the state legislature or laws
that only Darwin should be taught in the schools.
- Ridiculous, ridiculous!
There is only one great truth in the world.
- The Gospel according to Brady.
God talks to Brady, and Brady tells the world!
Brady, Brady, Brady almighty!
- The Lord is my strength.
- Suppose a lesser human being, a Cates or a Darwin
had the audacity to believe
that God might whisper in his ear
that an un-Brady thought might still be holy.
Must men go to prison because they're at odds
with a self-appointed prophet?
Let's extend the testaments.
Let us have a book of Brady!
Yes, we'll slip you in neatly
between Numbers and Deuteronomy.
- Ladies and gentlemen, your honor.
You all know me.
You know what I stand for.
You know what I believe in.
I believe, I believe, I believe.
I believe in the truth in the Book of Genesis,
Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Joshua, Judges.
Ruth, First Samuel, Second Samuel.
First Kings, Second Kings.
- The testimony is concluded.
The witness is excused.
- Isaiah, Jeremiah, Limitations,
Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea,
Joel, Amos, Obadiah.
Jonah, Micah, Nahum.
Habakkuk, Zephaniah.
Zachariah, Malachi.
They're laughing at me.
I, I can't stand it when they laugh at me.
(Brady whimpering)
(audience laughs)
Now what is it you do for a living, seriously son.
Forget 'em, next.
Get the redhead, the nice-lookin' broad.
(audience laughs)
Sitting with the sport shirt.
Find out if they're married.
Is that your wife, sir?
Holy.
(audience laughs)
Take a look, Bobby, am I wrong?
She's pretty, it'll work, it'll work, I know it.
Stand up and take a look.
Stand up and take a look, you can take a look.
What you guys, take a look, see if I'm wrong.
Geez, not a bad looking broad.
Holy, let's see here.
Holy crap.
This broad must've been born and hit the hospital floor.
(audience laughs)
Here, lady!
(audience laughs)
I kid you sir, try shots.
(audience laughs)
- Attaboy Don, give 'em hell!
- I wish you hadn't said that.
(flames crackling) (ominous music)
Sir, could ya help me a minute?
Sir, sir?
Sir, if you could help me?
Somebody?
Anybody, help me.
Could you help me?
Sir?
- Don, Don Rickles in person!
I can't tell you how I've looked forward to this moment.
- Are you the head guy around here?
- You know it.
The original Mr. Warm.
I can't get over it, Don Rickles in my domain, wow!
You know, you're my idol.
- I'm your idol?
- [Devil] You're my kinda guy.
- Whoopee.
- You know, you're gonna love it here.
You're gonna fit in perfectly.
Now we have Machiavelli, and we have Torquemada.
He does the Inquisition bit,
and of course, the ever popular Attila the Hun,
and let me see, who else?
Oh yeah, see that fella going by there?
He's the one who threw the first match at Joan of Arc.
- I'm not like those people!
- Oh, I know, compared to you they're just small potatoes.
Fried potatoes, but don't worry,
we've got a lot of biggies here.
We've got the fella who started the Chicago fire,
and the fellow who sank the Titanic.
- No, no, I'm not in that league.
I'm a nightclub act.
- Oh, come on now, don't be modest.
What you do to people!
You insult Black people, brown people,
yellow people-- - White.
- That's good, too.
And then the trouble you start.
I mean, racial wars, TV game shows.
- No!
- You get people to fighting, and stabbing,
and burning, and killing!
- I make them laugh.
- Laugh?
Oh I see, you mean they die laughing.
That's very good.
They always told me that you kill the people.
- My way, not yours.
- What does it matter, as long as you get the job done?
No, no, Rickles, you are in our hall of fame,
and you didn't get there by licking lollipops.
Say, do you know Telly Savalas?
- [Don] He's a pussycat.
- Yeah, well, you can't win 'em all.
You know, I hate to ask you to do this.
You just got here, and all that,
but could you do a little bit of your act
for some of our guests?
Come on everybody, come on.
Don Rickles is going to entertain us.
Here we go, gather round.
- I knew this was hell, another benefit.
(thunder rumbles)
Boy.
Oh there's the guy, that's the trouble, yeah.
Yeah, Sam, Charlie, whatever your name is, Japanese kid,
hanging around the jungle all the time
looking for hot cameras.
And I don't even know if you're Japanese or Chinese,
or you're probably a Jewish kid and you had your eyes fixed.
I'm fed up with you, kid.
Ah, this is my kinda guy, there he is.
Huh, sure, colored kid.
You are a colored kid.
If you ain't, you fell in a bucket of M&Ms.
When I give the signal, tap dance.
That's all you people know,
just sittin' around the house goin'
"I'm comin' home, Daddy, I'm comin' home."
Who cares when you come home?
Do what you do best, sleep!
Pain in the neck, just hanging around,
just sitting by the railroad track going, "Here, Sounder!
"Here, Sounder!"
Who cares about Sounder?
Shoot that dog, anyway.
You're okay.
A little big, but not bad.
You're okay, and get rid of that patch on your eye
and get your own ship
and get a group of pirates.
Get Anthony Quinn and go out to sea for a half hour.
You're annoying me, but you're big, you're big.
My wife gets ill, I'm gonna give you a call.
She should die by Friday.
Now, you're my kinda guy, look at this huh?
All lump.
You're annoying me, got a nice personality.
What happened, did you run into a wall?
Look at the nose on this guy.
When you were born, you were a hawk.
You got a bad nose, I'm telling you that as a friend.
That thing is suckin' up the sand.
You oughta get it stepped on and fixed, really.
I don't understand it, where are my biggies?
Are we making it?
I get screams when I work with this stuff,
I don't understand it.
(thunder rumbles)
- That's your act?
- Yeah, yeah, that's what I do.
- Rickles, I'm bitterly disappointed in you.
Well, another idol shot to heaven.
Okay, come on everybody, let's get the oil ready.
Oil one!
- Well, well I, I don't understand it.
No laughs for an eternity?
- All right Rickles, we're ready for ya, come on.
- Nah, nah, I don't belong with you.
I can't sink the Titanic, or start an earthquake.
All I can do is make people laugh, and I do.
I get 'em laughing at themselves, and at the other guy,
and all the lousy problems and troubles that you cause!
That's the only way to beat you,
because every time somebody laughs, you lose.
Step aside, you dummy.
Are you kiddin' me, you hockey puck?
You look ridiculous with your little
trick-or-treat bowtie, with the fake dicky.
I hope you become a waiter in a bad restaurant,
and soup pours down your pants,
and you think your parakeet died!
Ah, kiss my dragonfly.
I don't need you, I'm fed up with you.
I don't know who you are, devil or not.
Are you breathing on me, 'cause if you ain't,
my socks are rollin' down.
Now get outta my life.
I know how I'm gonna get out of here.
I'm gonna laugh my way out, that's how buddy!
(Don laughs) (thunder rumbles)
Is he laughin'?
Is he comin' towards me?
Watch me, could be a lot of trouble.
(gentle piano music)
♪ I swear that it's true ♪
♪ I love to do what I do ♪
♪ To share this laughter I give ♪
♪ For just a little love from you ♪
(audience applauds)
Thank you so much.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a beautiful audience,
and with your kindness, my fine arranger, conductor,
and composer, who I'd be lost without.
I adore him dearly, Mr. Bobby Kroll.
Would you give him a big hand?
(audience applauds)
Ladies and gentlemen, a group of gentlemen
who are magnificent musicians,
and I was delighted they played our show,
and to their fine conductor, Mr. Nat Branwen,
thank you Nat for your great, great work.
Nat Branwen and his fine orchestra, Nat?
(audience applauds)
And ladies, madam, thank you dear.
You've been a delight, I just wanna say
to all of the Caesar Palace people,
Caesar's Palace, Edwin Weinberger and Sid Gathrid,
and the entire staff for making our stay so beautiful.
We are indeed indebted to them.
They're delightful men.
Mr. Morris Shanker, I want to thank him
for his fine efforts, we're very grateful.
Just everybody connected with this fine city,
you've made us feel at home and we've enjoyed.
(audience applauds)
If you would, a big hand for three great artists.
Michael Caine, Elliott Gould, and James Caan.
Gentlemen?
(audience applauds)
Take a bow Jimmy, more.
(audience applauds)
Thank you fellas, I love you.
And good luck in "Harry and Walter Go to New York."
The best.
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wonderful audience,
and all I can tell ya, enjoy life,
and as long as you live, never forget your mother.
If she be in the eternity, or here on this earth,
because so help me God, a mother will never forget you.
I swear to that.
Goodnight Mom in Florida, and may God give you strength.
(audience applauds)
♪ So that's my story ♪
♪ It's been a ball ♪
♪ Thanks to your hospitality and the use of the hall ♪
♪ To every Jane and Jimmy ♪
♪ Every Tom and Timmy ♪
Goodnight, and peace, God bless you!
(audience applauds) (upbeat music)
♪ A nice guy, that's me ♪