Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love (1994) - full transcript
Lewis and his nerdy friends attend Booger's wedding to the daughter of a rich Republican, but nerd-haters in the family do everything possible to prevent the wedding going ahead. Meanwhile, Lewis awaits with eagerness the birth of his unborn foetal child...
MAN (narrating):
In the beginning,
God created the universe,
the heavens...
and the Earth.
Then God created
the first nerd.
♪♪
(chattering)
I'm going to take note
on your champagne glasses.
Check the silver service
and make sure that
it's properly polished.
Eugene, take this
to the kitchen. Make sure
the steam tables have arrived.
Check on the tablecloths
and make sure they're
the right color.
(continues chattering)
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, I don't know.
Aaron, relax.
You're driving
us all crazy.
This better be
a great wedding.
Every political heavyweight from
the party is gonna be there
checking me out.
Jeanie's wedding
is going to be wonderful.
Fix your ascot.
How come we never met this guy
that Jeanie's marrying?
-What's his name again?
-Dudley Dawson.
-Yeah.
-Hey, I wonder if he's from
the Schenectady Dawsons.
They're a very powerful
family back east.
(snaps fingers)
I went to school with Cap
Dawson.
-Talk about your blue bloods.
-Isn't it just
a little bit strange
that Jeanie never brought,
uh, what's-his-butt
over here before?
(scoffs)
His name is Dudley.
They only met three months ago.
I know I'd be a shoo-in
with the people
if I could just get
those old-money blue bloods
to endorse my candidacy.
And they'd be damn fools
not to, Dad,
irregardless of the fact
that you are nouveau riche.
Don't you ever use
that phrase in this house!
I am not nouveau riche.
I am a self-made businessman.
And I'm not your dad.
I'm your father-in-law.
Get it?
Right. Self-made businessman.
Father-in law. I-I got it.
Can we please stop talking
about the campaign for a minute?
Focus on Jeanie's wedding.
That's what's important here.
Gaylord's right,
as usual.
-WOMAN: Hi, everybody.
-Jeanie!
-You look wonderful.
-Thank you.
I love that outfit.
You do?
-So, you excited?
-Oh, yeah. (laughs)
Where'd you meet...
Dudley?
Well, at a ham
and lima bean cookout.
It was an Omega Mu sorority
fund-raiser.
Oh, ho, ho, sure, sure. The...
the Schenectady Dawsons
are very big with sororities
and fund-raisers and cookouts.
(doorbell ringing)
All your questions
will be answered in a moment.
-(knocking)
-Oh!
-Booger?
-Why'd she call him Booger?
-Baby!
-Oh!
Oh, honey.
Oh... buns.
-Give me buns!
-(shrieks)
-May I have them, please?
-Stop it!
-Give me buns!
-Shh! No! Shh!
Moo! Moo!
My family is waiting
to meet you.
(groans)
(gasps)
Mommy!
Tippy! Tippy!
-What happened?
-Mommy fainted.
Gosh, are you all right,
Mrs. Humphrey?
Yeah, I--
She'll be fine.
Can I ask you a question?
Are you from the Schenectady
Dawsons, railroad money?
-Hmm?
-Uh, no.
The Detroit Dawsons.
Sewing machine rental money.
-There's gonna be an egg.
Where's the kitchen?
-Oh, to the left!
-Are you all right, Mommy?
-Yes, yes, I'm fine.
I don't know
what came over me. Oh!
Sewing machine
rental money?
My God, he's a nerd!
(all gasp)
A nerd?
How can you tell?
There were a lot
of nerds at USC.
I can smell a nerd
a mile away.
Well, I've heard nerds
make wonderful husbands.
And they're smart too.
She's obviously getting
even with us for something.
-Beef! We need beef!
-In there!
That was kind of a rocky start
with your family.
Oh, everything's fine.
My mom's great.
I'm sure
she's just overwhelmed
from all the excitement.
-Well then, you don't think it's
because they don't like me?
-Booger, I love you.
Well, yeah, I know you--
I got it! I know you do.
But I was just afraid
maybe your "mishpukin'" was
thinking you were "mistookin'."
They're gonna love you too,
Booger. I know they will.
-(exhales)
-Oh!
Here you go, Mrs. Humphrey.
Put this on the--Hey!
-Oh!
-(gasps)
BOOGER: Don't move. Don't move.
Excuse me. That was clumsy.
-Ahh...
-There we go. I've got it.
Can I speak to you
a second, Jeanie?
Sure.
Thank you, dear.
It stops the swelling.
Are you pregnant?
Pregnant? No!
You mean, you don't
have to marry him?
Daddy!
I would like you to come with
me to a cult deprogrammer.
J-J-J-Just show up there and
be open. That's all I ask.
I just can't believe
you're saying this.
(whimpers)
Wh-wh-where are you going?
This is good stuff
I'm telling you.
(sobbing)
I love Booger!
And I'm gonna marry him
no matter what you think!
(sobbing)
Jeanie?
-Sweetheart,
you're overreacting.
-(door slams)
-What did you say to her?
-Nothing.
Nothing. We just had a little
conversation, that's all.
Ahh...
Can't we all just get along?
She comes home with a guy
who looks like he came
out of a vending machine,
-and I'm the one who's wrong.
-TIPPY: Jeanie. Jeanie.
What a world.
Hey!
Hi. I'm Jeanie's sister,
Gaylord.
And this is my husband, Chip.
Chip Medford.
Great idea. Having the wedding
on Valentine's Day. (laughs)
Are you sure your best man
knows where we are located?
Oh, he'll find it
all right.
As a matter of fact,
he will be here in exactly
seven seconds.
Five, four,
three, two, one.
Right on the button.
Lewis!
Booger!
Pull in here!
(honks horn)
(hydraulics brakes hissing)
(both laughing)
-Oh, Booger's wedding.
-Yeah!
-(singsong)
♪ Booger's gettin' married ♪
-Oh, come on. Stop it!
Hey, what do you think
of the truck?
Well... well, I would expect
nothing else from the king of
the nerds.
-It's got everything.
-Where's Betty?
Oh, follow me.
Would you like to see
my unborn fetal son?
-Yeah.
-This is a state-of-the-art,
remote-activated,
microwave-transmitted,
bilingual, five DB-gain,
semi-duplex fetal monitor.
I can check on the development,
the vital signs of my unborn
fetal son from anywhere in
the universe.
(laughs) Look.
There's his tinkler.
Just like the old man, huh?
(both guffawing)
-Booger!
-Betty!
-What is this?
-An Airbus A300 WhisperJet
could land right on our truck,
and Betty and our unborn fetal
son wouldn't even be hurt.
-Lewis?
-Hmm?
Could you let me
out of here?
-Oh, sure, Betty.
-Here. Let me give you a hand.
-Thank you.
-(hisses)
(all laughing)
Hey, so, Booger, how are
things going with the in-laws?
Well, things
were going okay,
until my mother-in-law
passed out and cracked her head
on the coffee table.
BOTH: Oh.
And I don't think my
father-in-law likes me at all.
BOTH: Oh.
He's one of
those pretentious,
hoity-toity,
nouveau riche types.
-He may be anti-nerd.
-(both gasp)
Oh, no.
Why does this always have
to poke its ugly head out?
Indeed. We need to nip
this in the bud.
Booger, I want you to know
I take my job as best man
very seriously.
And I will take care
of everything, including
Jeanie's old man.
Never fear,
Skolnick's here.
-I love you, you big galoot.
-(laughs)
(laughs)
I feel better already.
-(horn honks)
-Hey, here comes the gang.
- ♪ Take one down
pass it around ♪
-Hey, guys!
♪ No bottles of beer
on the wall ♪
(whooping, chattering)
-Lamar!
-Party, party, party!
Booger!
(laughing)
-(camera shutter clicks)
-Nerds are here!
-Takashi!
-Booger!
-Lewis! Hi, Lewis.
-Takash, how are you?
Good to see you.
Oh, Betty! Oh, ho, ho!
Betty so big.
-(laughs)
-Oh, look at you!
-Oh, Judy!
-Uncle Lewis!
-Harold! Good trip?
-Ah, ho, it was great.
You know, the bus driver said
we were the first group ever
to make it all the way through
"A Hundred Bottles of Beer
on the Wall?"
-(laughing)
-BOOGER: Yes! Hey!
It's been delightful
motoring with you.
Trevor, how was the trip?
I only got
carsick twice.
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
I'm proud of you, laddie.
(both speaking Spanish)
I am--I am just so thrilled
you all showed up.
-BOTH: Stan!
-Hi, guys.
-Stan! (laughs)
-Booger!
-Great to see you.
-You too.
Oh, Betty, you're gonna make
such a pretty mom.
Stan, you are such a nerd.
Yeah, I sure am. I'm selling
software up in Silicon Valley.
-Ah, that's fantastic.
-Yeah, I've never been happier
in my whole life.
(both guffawing)
(chanting)
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds!
-Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
-(moans)
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds...Nerds.
Hey, it looks like
you're breaking out.
What are you talking about? I've
always had a perfect complexion.
I think you've got
the chicken pox.
Easy on the sauce, Aaron.
You don't think I'm gonna
go through this sober?
Come on. Relax.
It's not as bad as all that.
What is this dog hair doing
here? We don't have a dog.
ROMEO: Excuse me.
Uh, do you prefer the
salad forks to be chilled,
or the salad plates
or both?
-Well, I--
-Figure it out.
-Aaron!
-Oh, I never.
I cannot work in a vacuum.
I need input. I need feedback.
-Romeo! Romeo!
-(mumbling)
This is so unfair.
No one told me that I would be
catering a wedding for a bunch
of nerds.
Romeo, don't leave, please.
Please, no, no!
-MAN: Eugene! Eugene!
-(horn honks)
(mouthing words)
Well, it looks as though the
happy event is about to begin.
I worked hard
my whole life.
I started out at 13
selling cheap porcelain
knickknacks door-to-door.
You know how hard that is?
After she marries
that nose-picking "jibony,"
I can kiss my political
career good-bye.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
And you can kiss taking over
Humphrey Industries good-bye.
LEWIS: Yeah, I know. Maybe he'll
let you guys live here. You'll
have your own computer room.
You know, there's two days
before the wedding.
-A lot of things could happen.
-Like what?
Engagements get canceled all the
time for all sorts of reasons.
You mean break up
the wedding?
We all want what's best
for the family.
Break up
my daughter's wedding?
Don't even think about it.
You-you got a nasty mind, Chip.
I hate when you have a nasty
mind. Break up my daughter's
wedding.
Geez.
In addition to ruining any
chance of a political career,
think for one minute...
what this will do
to the family tree.
You can pick your friends,
you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick
your relatives.
Do whatever
you have to do.
♪♪
Smile pretty.
Smile pretty.
-(camera clicks)
-Thank you.
Name tags.
Name tags, anyone?
TAKASHI: Right there. Right
there, a picture.
-Excuse me.
-(camera clicks)
Would you like a
"Hello. My name is" tag?
How nerdy can you get?
Lois, what on earth
are all these nerds
doing here?
They're Booger's friends.
(scoffs)
Well, Aaron and Tippy
must just be sick.
Oh, Tippy seems okay,
but it's killing my brother.
Daddy.
Hi. Lewis Skolnick,
best man.
-Figures.
-Booger is just crazy
about your daughter.
He's gonna make a wonderful
husband, and that's all
that really matters.
-Right.
-Y'know, once you get
to know Booger,
-you'll be very happy
with what you see.
-(slurping)
I'll be very happy
when I get away from you.
(guffawing)
MAN: Aaron, my dear man,
I'm so sorry.
(chattering continues)
You know, Booger,
I do sense a bit of friction
with your future father-in-law.
-Friction?
-Mm-hmm.
He hates my guts.
Say hi to Stan.
-(radio clicks)
-Stan, this is Lewis. Come in.
I read you.
I read you, Lewis. Over.
Yeah, I just wanted to see
how you're feeling, man.
Oh, pretty good.
Just such a bummer
I got the chicken pox.
Y'know, I guess I was just too
cool to get them as a kid.
(laughs)
Well, you know, sometimes we
just have to play the cards
we're dealt with.
Yeah. You're always
so perceptive, Lewis.
I wish I could be like you.
Give it time, Stan.
Over and out.
(slurping)
Excuse me, Mr. Lewis,
Mr. Booger.
Why is that buttocks squished
up against the window
-like a pressed Devonshire ham?
-(screams)
Ogre!
-Lewey!
-Ogre! How are you?
-How you doing? See it?
-Yeah, I saw it.
-That's Ogre.
-Oh.
-Ogre! Ahhh...!
-Little buddy! How you doing?
(chanting)
Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
Ogre! Ogre!
This is the worst party we've
ever been to. Good night.
This was unbelievable. Thank
God my daughter's a lesbian.
-Ogre! Ogre!
-Hey, did you see my buns?
-Uh-oh.
-What? Who is it?
-Mylan Whitfield.
-Huh?
The chairman
of the Republican party.
Nice of you to come, Mylan.
Could I get you a drink?
The strongest one
you've got.
(belching)
(belching continues)
-I think this is a record.
-(continues belching)
-(all laughing)
-OGRE: Still the world's champ.
-I drink to that.
-Heyyy...
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
That's your future
son-in-law.
And now
a very special treat.
-My fiancée's turn.
-Oh.
Oh, no, Jeanie, please. Don't,
don't, don't do it, please.
Please, don't, please.
Okay. Okay.
Don't do it, please.
Don't do it.
(gulps, belches)
-She's doing a good job.
-(mumbling, belches)
Booger must be so proud.
-(belching)
-(applause)
Wow!
Can you believe it?
-Whoo!
-She's got the croup.
My Jeanie, she can belch
with the best of them.
Hey, your sorority sisters
are here.
OGRE: It's the Omega Mu's.
(all mooing)
They're all voters, Mylan.
Booger! Booger! Booger!
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
(mic feedback)
Why are they always chanting?
You see, the younger
generation today, they--they--
I think
it's kind of fun.
You're wearing
two different socks.
BOOGER: Well, (clears throat)
I wanna welcome you all
to the wedding
that none of us
ever thought would happen.
-(all cheering)
-I guess hell must have
frozen over after all.
(all laughing)
Come on now.
-♪♪ (rim shot)
-Boom!
But, Jeanie,
you don't know about this,
but I'm going to sing
a little song for you.
It's something that I think
of whenever I think of you.
-WOMAN: Awww.
-WOMAN #2: So romantic.
MAN: Nice spot light.
♪♪ (keyboard)
♪ Jean, Jean ♪
♪ Roses are red ♪
♪ And all the leaves ♪
♪ Have gone green ♪
♪ And the clouds
are so low ♪
♪ You can touch them
and so ♪
♪ Come on out
to the meadow ♪
♪ Jean ♪
♪ Jean, Jean ♪
♪ You're young and alive ♪
♪ Come out of your half
dreamed dream ♪
Sorry, Aaron. Gotta go.
You will come
to the bridal shower?
No can do.
Important engagement.
♪ If you will
to the top of the hill ♪
I thought you were gonna do
something.
I'm working on it.
I'm gonna start
first thing in the morning.
Start now, doofus.
♪ Bonnie Jean ♪♪
Oh.
♪♪ (piano ends)
(applause)
For those of you
in the audience here
who are blues aficionados,
we have a little, uh--
It's a little bit dissonant,
but I think you'll like it,
'cause with the fluteophones,
it's kind of special.
Flutes up.
A-one, a-two,
a-one, two, three.
-WOMAN: Even I can't take this.
Good night.
-♪♪ (playing of key)
♪ Many were the wild notes
her merry voice would pour ♪
♪ Many were the blackbirds
that wobbled them all ♪
TREVOR: ♪ Oh, I dream of Jeanie
with the light brown hair ♪
MAN: ♪ Yo, sexy boy
just think of me ♪
♪ As your love toy
Come wind me up ♪
♪♪ (continues, indistinct)
JEANIE (laughing):
Hi guys!
-LEWIS: Hey!
-BOOGER: (laughing)
-Hey, can I cut in?
-Sure thing.
BOOGER: If I may.
Betty, pregnant women
have always made me boggy.
Oh, Booger.
You're just incorrigible.
-I try to be.
-(laughing)
Excuse me.
I just want you to know
that I'm really happy for you.
Booger lets you
be yourself,
and I really like
what I see.
I can't believe this
is coming out of the mouth
of my perfect sister.
Who knows?
Maybe this wedding has
really brought us together.
I love you, Jeanie.
I love you, Gaylord.
-(sobbing)
-Oh!
Oh, girls.
Once you go nerd,
you'll never go back.
(all laughing)
I would just die
for your cheekbones.
Oh.
Hey, handsome.
Wanna dance?
(exhales)
Sure.
BOOGER:
Good show, Harold.
MAN:
♪ I wanna be your sexy boy ♪
♪ Just think of me
as your love toy ♪
♪ Come wind me up
Don't need no keys ♪
♪ Just pull the strings ♪
What a prenuptial party.
Really, so enjoyable. Just
tremendous. (whistles)
♪ I'll bring you joy
I'll make you dance ♪
♪ I'll make you shake
this sexy boy ♪
TIPPY: Jeanie and her friends
are having a good time.
Everybody who's important
is gone.
What an embarrassment.
No, no, no, look.
Your sister's still here.
♪♪ (continues, indistinct)
My sister stays to the end
of supermarket openings.
BOOGER: Hey, Takashi,
whatever happened to Gilbert?
Mrs. Humphrey,
-Yes?
-Can I have this dance?
-Oh, I don't think I could.
-I think you could.
(laughs) There's a
little nerd in everyone.
There's no nerd
in me, pal.
♪ I wanna be your sexy boy ♪
♪ Believe me
I'm the real McCoy ♪
-♪♪ (continues, indistinct)
-(belches)
Yo! Mama-san!
-(kiaiing)
-Lois, wait!
(shuddering)
♪ I wanna be
I wanna be your sexy boy ♪
♪ Your sexy boy ♪
♪ Turn out the lights ♪
TIPPY: Hey, you nerds
really know how to party.
(Lewis guffaws)
BOOGER:
I'm just getting started, baby.
Romeo,
have you seen Chip?
Oh, sure, that's exactly
what I have on my mind,
worrying about where Chip is.
Oh, gee, where could Chip be?
Here, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip.
Here, Chip, Chip, Chip,
Chip, Chip, Chip.
How would you like to lose
about 12 teeth?
Bitch.
CHIP:
I'm looking for dirt, scandal,
some deviant behavior,
a skeleton in a closet
that would be so horrible,
it would break up a wedding.
And money's no object.
-(chair squeaks)
-How did you find me?
Let's just say
through a friend.
And why do you wanna
ruin the wedding?
Well, my father-in-law's
thinking of getting
into politics,
and the groom
would ruin his chances.
And if the father-in-law doesn't
enter the political arena,
you don't take over
the family business.
Yes. Well, I suppose
that would happen, but
that's not my major concern.
-It's nerds, isn't it?
-How did you know that?
-I'm a detective.
-Wow.
I had a case with nerds
a couple months ago.
-They can be very slippery.
-(chair squeaks)
How do I know
you're any good?
(sighs) You know the dirt
on the royal family?
You?
(laughs)
Well, let's do business.
-(chair squeaks)
-All right.
-What's the groom's name?
-Uh, Dudley Dawson.
But his friends
call him "Booger."
-Well, that's the first thing
in our favor.
-What-what's that?
With a name like Booger,
it shouldn't be too hard
to get dirt on him. Right?
TREVOR:
Good night, Mr. Ogre.
OGRE:
Good night, Trevor.
TAKASHI:
Good night, Lamar.
-STAN: Good night, Judy.
-JUDY: Good night, Stan.
LAMAR:
Good night, Takashi.
(toenail clangs in can)
-Betty.
-Hmm?
Why can't we videotape
the birth?
I just don't want the whole
world to see my privates.
But I've already bought
a high-definition,
Dolby stereo,
3-D helmet cam.
You know you'll show
the video to someone.
I'm really surprised
at you, Betty.
Not having the confidence
to think that I wouldn't show
the video to someone.
(sighs)
-Maybe I would.
-(toenails clanging)
-I probably would.
-Hmm.
I definitely would,
but it's only because
no one is prouder than I am
of our unborn fetal son.
And your privates.
(guffaws)
Lewis Tarada Skolnick!
Ow! Betty,
I was only kidding.
-Ow!
-Are you all right, honey?
I'm fine. I just have
a little side ache. Ohhh...
You are so wonderful.
I bet I'm the only woman
in America
to have a certified midwife
as a husband.
That's because I don't want
anybody but me delivering
our unborn baby son.
-(giggles)
-Hey, Betty.
-Hmm?
-Would you like to have
some pickles and ice cream?
Pickles, ice cream.
Pickles, ice cream.
I would love
some pickles and ice cream.
-Oh, yea, Mama.
-I'll be right back.
Oh, honey, I don't want you
to go now. It's after 3:00.
If my unborn fetal son
and my beloved wife
want pickles and ice cream,
I don't care what time it is.
-(giggles)
-Eskimo kiss?
-Butterfly.
-Eskimo.
-Butterfly. Butterfly.
-Eskimo. Eskimo.
I love you, you big nerd.
I know you are, but
what am I? (guffaws)
-Booger.
-Hey, Lewis. Where you going?
Oh, I was just gonna
take a cruise
in the party truck
and get Betty
some pickles and ice cream.
-You're gonna make
the best father.
-You really think so?
I know so.
Hey, you wanna come with?
No.
-Are you feeling
all right, Booger?
-Lewis...
I'm gonna say
something to you
that I would never tell
anybody else in the world.
I'm a little scared.
Scared? You?
Well, what are you
scared about, Booger?
I've been single
a long time, Lewis.
I've enjoyed a lot of Mu's.
My life has been blessed.
(chuckles)
And they've enjoyed
you too, pal. (laughs)
Now I'm hanging it all up.
But what happens
if I run into a woman
who really curdles my blood?
'Cause you know me, Lewis.
You know how it is.
Our eyes meet
across a crowded room,
and bammo.
We're talkin' "nutso" time.
Bananas. We're talking
out of my brains,
can't control the faculties,
the mind follows
the genitals time.
Because that's
what happens, Lewis,
anytime I meet a woman
who really makes me
wanna take a bath.
Well, I have manly urges too,
Booger, I mean, like any other
red-blooded American male.
Well, of course you do.
How do you handle it?
I just think of Betty
or computers.
No, see, not me.
(exhales)
I'm like a train wreck
on the Long Island Railroad.
I may see trouble down
the tracks, but this trainman
can't pull the switch.
Well, nobody likes to party
more than I do, Booger.
Except for maybe you.
But my life got so much better
since I married Betty.
And yours is going to too,
provided you're ready
to compromise
and work hard, incredibly hard,
on your impending union
with Jean.
-You have to work
really hard, huh?
-Uh huh.
I mean, it's not any harder
than, say,
designing cornering velocities
for the Japanese Bullet Train.
But you should get some sleep.
I mean, tomorrow is a
huge day for you.
You got the all-you-can-eat nerd
bridal shower at the Rump Roast
Room at noon.
And then there's
my surprise theme bachelor
stag party at night.
You forgot about that,
didn't you?
You're gonna nail me,
aren't you?
You're darn tootin'.
See ya, Booger.
-Hey, Lewis.
-Yeah?
Thanks.
I love you, Booger.
I love you too.
♪♪
Bibs, anyone?
LEWIS:
Don't be bashful.
It's all you can eat.
So, uh, Russia's in,
you know, bad shape.
Decentralization of the
economy and the privatization
of industry,
while, you know, leading
to these personal freedoms,
it's cost
some great hardships.
That's why I, Ogre,
I think I'm gonna go over there
and see if I can help them out.
You know what I mean?
That's no good.
(laughing)
(gasps)
-What the--
-Say "cheese."
-BOTH: Cheese.
-TAKASHI: Okay, now
stay there, stay there.
-Lewis to Stan, Lewis to Stan.
Come in, Stan.
-I read you Lewis. Over.
Uh, listen.
This is your 2:00 pox report.
How-how you feeling, Stan?
Much better now,
thanks to Judy.
If you don't take care of
the pox, they can scab
and leave scars.
-Over and out.
-Honey.
-Hmm?
-What's Trevor Gulf doing?
I-I think
he's mooning us.
That's not a moon.
That's the San Joaquin Valley.
-Trevor, no!
-Oh, big smile.
Trevor, come on.
It isn't nice to moon.
-Oh, it isn't?
-No, it isn't.
-Mr. Ogre mooned.
-Well, you see, Trevor,
Mr. Ogre's
a converted nerd, okay?
He used to be a jock.
He's still a little rough
around the edges.
Jacques?
Is he from France?
(guffaws)
-My condolences, Aaron.
-You gotta take
the good with the bad.
-Sorry, Aaron.
-Hey, if it's not one thing,
it's another.
Mylan, thank you
for coming.
Thank you for sending
the limo for me.
Thank you for sending
the bauble to my secretary.
And the entire
party thanks you
for sending the check.
-Just being
a good Republican, Mylan.
-Hmm, hmm...
Come along, dear.
Nice seeing you again, Flo.
-I've done a little homework
on Dudley "Booger" Dawson.
-Oh, yeah?
-He's an attorney all right.
-Well, that's good.
A personal injury
attorney.
He's an ambulance chaser?
It just gets worse.
-Well, it'll all be over soon.
-What are you gonna do?
You just get ready
for a bombshell.
Ogre, thanks, man.
That's--That's
really thoughtful.
It was really expensive.
(chuckles)
So, uh, I guess
it's on to Lewis
and Betty's present, huh?
-(all gasping)
-Oh, wow!
-WOMAN: Look at that.
-A ski exerciser!
I've been dying
for one of these!
-Have you?
-Boss!
They now have anything
ever sold on an infomercial.
Oh, shut up, Aaron.
TAKASHI: Hey, everybody,
everybody, Booger's parents are
here!
Mr. and Mrs. Booger!
Mr. and Mrs. Booger!
(applause)
Mom? Dad!
They look like they just
fell off a pickle truck.
(laughs)
-Chip!
-Ow!
Folks, everybody, excuse me.
These are my parents.
-Oh!
-Oh!
(shutter clicks)
We're so glad
that you're here,
Mr. and Mrs. Dawson.
(cheering)
I am flabbergasted.
We would both
like to thank all of you
from the bottom of our hearts
for this wonderful shower
you're throwing us.
It's probably the first shower
he's ever had.
(guffaws)
MR. DAWSON: No, he showered
regularly. Every other night
in the summer,
and weekly
in the winter.
Well, I don't know
about you guys, but I'm ready
to jump off the dock.
-Yeah!
-Hold it, everybody.
I'd like to offer my toast.
ALL:
Yeah. Yeah.
WOMAN: Get the glass.
Oh, here, take this.
To Booger's love child.
Love child? What are - -what
are you talking about?
I'm talking about the daughter
you had 12 years ago,
out of wedlock, with a young
woman in Sandusky, Ohio.
All right, Booger!
Yeah, bud!
You have a child that my little
girl doesn't know about?
I am appalled, Booger.
Appalled.
-And so is my wife. Right? See?
-But--
I don't know anything
about this.
I have no child
in Sandusky, Ohio.
-The hell you don't!
-(all gasp)
This is a fairly
specious charge.
Where's your proof,
Chip?
Yeah, where's
your proof, Chip?
ALL: Yeah.
My proof is right here.
I'd like you to meet Detective
First Class Chad Penrod.
Detective Penrod, does
Dudley Dawson, alias Booger,
have or have not a 12-year-old
child in Sandusky, Ohio?
I checked the birth records
in Sandusky and found
that on March 19, 1981,
a certain Heidi Dawson
was born to
a Miss Cathleen Turtle--
Turtletaub
and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.
-Cool.
-Wait!
If the parents of the alleged
love child were never married,
why isn't the child's name
Heidi Turtletaub?
Exactly.
Why isn't the child's name
Heidi Turtletaub?
-Yes.
-(neck bones crack)
Beats me.
If the child were born
to an unmarried mother,
wouldn't the so-said mother
have given the aforementioned
daughter her last name?
PENROD:
Well, I do know this.
The child's nickname
is Booger.
-(all gasp)
-Yeah!
I think we should leave,
Jeanie.
Oh.
Do you wanna marry a man
who doesn't tell you
that he has a child?
Who knows what
he'll lie about next?
You saw The Crying Game.
How do we know
he even is a man?
-(gasps)
-(all gasping)
-LAMAR: Don't you touch me!
-Get your hands off me!
-LAMAR: Don't you touch me!
-I caught you red-handed!
-LAMAR: Get off of me!
-LEWIS: Hey, break it up!
-Break it up!
-I'm gonna tell everybody!
Don't you get me started.
-I heard--
-Word!
I can't believe what got
into you two. This is supposed
to be a happy occasion.
I'm especially surprised
at you, Lamar.
Now what was going on?
Well, Chip was crackin'
on Booger's parents.
Crackin' on my parents?
What kind of cracks, Chip?
-Booger.
-Yeah, what kind?
-As your best man, I strongly
advise you just let it go.
-I'm not going to let it go.
On the other hand, I'm
prepared to explore other
avenues with you as well.
-What kind of cracks, Chip?
-(stammering)
Chip said that your mama
was so ugly, that the Elephant
Man paid to see her.
(laughing)
The point is you have a
12-year-old daughter in
Sandusky, Ohio!
This has nothing to do
with my having a child
in Sandusky, Ohio.
That isn't what
this is about at all.
-This is because I'm a nerd.
-(all gasping)
And it has been
since the beginning.
Mm-hmm.
Why else would someone rummage
through my private life
with a detective?
And then announce this...
detestable fabrication,
this--this
tissue of lies
-on the happiest day
of my life?
-Oh, Booger.
Hath not a nerd eyes?
When you prick us,
do we not bleed?
I am tired
of the reckless allegations,
the snide snickering,
the talking behind backs,
the sly innuendos,
the looking down on us.
We are what we are.
-Aren't we?
-NERDS: We are!
-And we're proud
of what we are.
-NERDS: We are!
And we are not about
to allow ourselves
to be intimidated
by a bunch of--
Booger, don't say it!
-Say it, Booger!
-Nouveau-riche pigs!
OGRE:
There you go.
You have...
the audacity...
to utter the most...
morally reprehensible slur
to these...
fine, upstanding,
self-made
businesspeople.
Shame on you, Booger.
Shame on all of you nerds.
Ogre, no!
-(gasps)
-WOMAN: Oh!
The prosecution rests.
I've had it with you nerds!
All right, everyone,
just cool it!
-Oh, what the hell.
-We've got too much class
for this kind of crap.
-Booger!
-Jeanie!
-Booger!
-TAKASHI: (yells)
Ahhh!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaa!
(woman shrieking)
So you might have a daughter
in Sandusky, Ohio, huh?
(sighs)
I don't know.
It's certainly possible.
God knows my seed is as
strong as an Alaskan salmon.
And I partied pretty hard
in the early '80s.
In Sandusky?
Apart from Akron, I probably
spent more time in Sandusky
than any place on earth.
Damn it!
Everything was going so
great. Now it's ruined.
Ah, Booger.
Your wedding isn't ruined.
What are you
talking about?
We just had a food fight.
People don't have...
food fights at their...
bridal showers!
But I did.
Some nouveau-riche guy,
looked like he could
have been a banker,
is mashing...
handfuls of garni
up my nostrils!
(sighs)
I know things look bleak.
But they've been bleak
before.
Do you remember
at Adams College?
We were exiled
from the dorms
and forced to live
in the gymnasium.
Do you remember
in Fort Lauderdale,
when we were persecuted into
subjugation and incarcerated?
How about when Orrin Price
framed me...
for embezzling...
Adams College
computer research funds?
We may have been subjected to
the yoke of nerd oppression
before,
-but we're not gonna be
subjected to it again!
-(bangs mug)
This wedding is not over!
The son of a gun
has just begun!
Come on, pal.
(crying)
(ringing)
BOOGER:
Meet me at the Wood Bridge
in half an hour.
Please?
- Hello?
-(sobs)
I'm sorry.
Is this 555-4264?
Knock, knock.
Is this a private party?
Have a drink, Chip.
Thanks, Dad--Aaron.
(laughs)
(sighs)
I'm taking a lot of flack
from this from my wife.
I thought the, uh, food fight
was a nice plus though.
This is a career day
for you, Chip.
As a matter of fact, this is
the first good thing I could
ever remember you doing.
Oh, come on. I've done
lots of good things.
Name one.
-Are you serious?
-Name one.
Well, there was, uh--
-Uh--
-You don't do anything
and I pay you a fortune.
But look.
You made up for everything.
You're the man
who drove the Booger man
out of my daughter's life.
(exhales)
Daddy, I have to
talk to you.
I'm so confused.
First of all, I just wanna
thank you for being
so concerned about me.
I know in my heart
you only want
what's best for me,
no matter what you say
or do or how you behave.
JEANIE: (sighs)
I sure do love
that Booger though.
I can't believe he's got
a kid he never told me about.
(groans)
(scoffs)
Kids--you gotta love 'em.
(exhales)
It, um--
It is true, Chip.
Is what true?
That, um, he has a child
with an unwed mother
and all that?
Yeah, sure it's true.
The detective I hired
found it.
Because it, uh--
it wouldn't be good
if it wasn't true.
-It's true.
-Then, uh--then it's good.
-'Cause it's true.
-Right. If it's true,
it's good.
And, uh, I feel good about that.
(clicks tongue)
Good.
(birds chirping)
(gasps)
-Booger!
-Jeanie!
Let's go to our secret spot
so no one will see us.
-I love you, Booger.
-Oh, I love you too.
But marriage is about trust.
No secrets from each other,
remember?
I don't have any secrets.
Well, what about that child
in Sandusky, Ohio?
I don't have a child
in Sandusky, Ohio!
Well, why would
Detective Penrod
say that you did?
Well, I don't know!
I don't even know
who Detective Penrod is!
I'm a condemned man
and I don't have a child!
I believe you, Booger.
You do?
Yes, because marriage
is about trust.
And I trust you...
completely.
BOOGER: (laughs)
All I know is that I love you
and I think we should
continue the wedding.
Oh, Booger, I--
I don't know what to do. I--
I--I don't know.
I don't know what's
right or wrong anymore.
I, uh--
I know it's
a day early, but...
I'd like you to read
my valentine.
(giggling)
-Open it up.
-(laughs)
A cow.
Oh.
"An empty spot
was on my heart
until I met you,
O Valentine.
Then the spot filled in.
My heart was whole.
I could love for the first
time in my life
now that you
are going to become
my wife."
-Ahh, the hell with my dad!
-Uh, huh, that's exactly what
I'd hoped you'd say.
(laughing)
(lowing)
-Again.
-(laughs)
(lowing)
(laughs) Oh, I can't tell you
what it does to me
to hear you moo again.
-(lowing)
-(mooing)
(mooing)
-Oh, ho, ho, Booger!
-Jeanie!
-(laughs)
-(mooing)
(lawn mower)
-It's on!
-What's on?
The wedding is on
again!
First it's on, then it's off.
Now it's on again.
I am on an emotional
roller coaster.
-I am not a yo-yo.
-(scoffs)
-(lawn mower)
-(tray slams)
How can the wedding be on?
We all can't even be
in the same room together.
Never in the history
of weddings
has there ever been
a clearer case
of incompatibility.
Aaron, Jeanie is thrilled.
Think about her for once.
I am thinking about her.
The man is a liar
and a child deserter.
If she goes through with
this wedding, I'm not gonna
have anything to do with it!
Zero, nothing,
nada, zip!
-(chair ganging)
-Ow!
(laughing)
Okay, all right. Anybody who
feels that Booger could have
an illegitimate child
in Sandusky, Ohio,
raise your right hands.
(shouts)
Opposed?
-You don't think it's possible?
-No, I do not.
Booger may be Booger,
but he always took precautions.
-That is right.
He always did wear condoms.
-Oh. Condom.
-So he couldn't have a child.
-No way.
(car approaching)
-Harold, where you going?
-LAMAR: I don't know, but I
would guess Aunt Lois's.
Are you scoring, Harold?
Well, I certainly wouldn't
tell you if I was.
But I guarantee ya
I ain't going over there
for breakfast.
(all laughing)
-(tires screeching)
-Ya-hoo!
-(horn honking)
-(tires squealing)
-It's on!
-BOTH: What's on?
The wedding!
-(tires screeching)
-(horn honking)
Uh, I-I thought you told me
the love child was real.
I didn't say she was real.
I said it was a great idea.
But it hasn't turned out to
be such a great idea, has it?
If Aaron finds out
I've lied to him, I'm dead.
He's gonna fire me.
(sighs) Hey, if he fires you,
isn't he also cutting off
his own daughter?
He's gonna give her
an allowance that
I'm not allowed to touch.
Well, (lips smack)
that'd do it.
(moans)
Oh, relax will ya. There
are plenty of ways to
ruin a wedding.
-Such as?
-It's easy.
You know what bachelor
parties are like.
Beautiful women,
liquor flowing,
raw naked temptation.
Booger's bound
to succumb.
According to his bio,
he's got the self-control
of a brahma bull.
Uhh, how would we, uh--
How would we show proof
of this?
We'll make one
of America's
least funny home videos.
-(chuckling)
-(chuckling)
Do it.
Hey. There's a horse here
named Big Booger.
♪♪
(groans)
I missed the food fight.
And now I'm gonna miss
Booger's surprise theme
bachelor party.
Well, not really, Stan.
May I present to you and Judy
a special Valentine's Day treat.
Try these on for size, ok?
Now, tonight when
the bachelor party starts,
you simply turn on the TV,
hit the function button
on your remote. OK?
And you might not be there,
but you'll have
the next best thing--
-Skolnick Vision.
-(guffaws)
-Bye, guys.
-Thanks, Lewis.
-Thanks.
-(door opens, closes)
(both guffawing)
-♪♪ (dance rock)
-(shouting, chattering)
-Oh, I made it!
-Great shot, Takashi. You know,
you owe me another 20 bucks.
-Huh?
-Well, sometimes when you win,
you lose.
Now, let's play for
your watch.
-Okay, thank you.
-You're welcome. (laughs)
Red ball, middle pocket and
you can call me London Fats.
(chuckles)
(party favors squealing)
Ah, here you go.
A bumper pool tournament!
I mean, what an original idea
for a bachelor party!
I knew that you
would love it, Booger.
Is there gonna be
a girlie show?
Mr. Dawson,
that would be sexist.
Yeah, we believe it's possible
to be entertained
without demeaning women.
That's nice. But personally,
I'd prefer a little skin.
Hey, hey, fellas, I got winners.
(chuckles)
He's got a lot of nerve
showing his face around here.
-Temper, temper.
-Don't worry about it, Booger.
We got him under
24-hour surveillance.
There's nothing he can do
that we don't know about.
-(laughs)
-(laughs)
Hey, no lofting, Harold!
(chanting) Nouveau riche!
Nouveau riche! Nouveau riche!
-Nouveau riche! Nouveau riche!
-(gargles)
I really expected Aaron
to be here tonight.
He doesn't want anything
to do with the wedding.
Well, he might have extended me
the courtesy of allowing me
to know that.
(chanting) Nouveau riche!
Nouveau riche!
All right, all right,
all right. All right!
(chanting stops) Nouveau--
Now, I know we had
a little trouble today
at the all-you-can-eat
nerd bridal shower
at the Rump Roast Room at noon,
but, hey,
that's behind us now, right?
-We're adults.
-Hold it, everybody.
-Lewis is right.
-(coughs)
Why, even I've been a bit
of a recalcitrant
during this wedding,
but now that I've gotten
to know... Booger,
I realize that you and Jeanie
are a perfect couple.
And I know that
it's only the first step,
-♪♪ (dance rock)
-but I'm hoping
that you will accept...
-MAN: Look at that.
-...my dove of peace.
-(excited chattering)
-(party favors squealing)
-Miss Modem!
-(all cheering)
-Miss Numbers.
-Come on!
(sighs)
Miss Mainframe.
-Leave it to Chip to be sexist.
-M-m-me, me, me!
-CHIP: Miss Communication.
-(gasps)
You know, they are
sort of enjoyable.
-CHIP: Miss Floppy Disk.
-BOOGER: (moaning)
-(moaning continues)
-♪♪
-I love you!
-Come on!
-(all shouting)
-(party favors squealing)
Hey, hey, hey.
-I'll take care of him.
-Go get him.
-Hi, Booger. I'm your present.
-(growls)
♪♪ (continues)
WOMAN: ♪ You make quiver ♪
(moans)
You feel so good!
I can't take no more!
♪ You make me quiver ♪
(both guffawing)
MAN:
Take it off!
(cheering)
(guffawing continues)
♪♪ (music continues)
♪ You make me quiver ♪
(laughing)
You know, this--this
Skolnick Vision is great,
but, ah, still, it's not like
actually being there.
We could have our
own stag party, Stan.
♪♪ (continues)
-(all shouting)
-(party favors squealing)
♪ You make quiver ♪
♪♪ (vocalizing)
(laughing)
♪ You make quiver ♪
(all shouting)
♪ Shiver ♪
-(cheering)
-(shouting)
♪ You make me quiver ♪
-♪♪ (continues)
-(cheering)
(laughing)
We're gonna have some fun.
A cool time.
(both laughing)
-What is all this?
-(chuckles)
This is anything that you
want it to be, Booger.
(whirring)
-♪♪ (conga drum beating)
-ALL: Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Did you do the nasty?
I still got it.
(all shouting, cheering)
-All right, Booger!
-♪♪ (conga drum resumes)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
This better be good, Chip,
to have woken us up
in the middle of the night.
I just want you all to see
what kind of lowlife
Jeanie's going to marry.
BOOGER (on TV):
What is all this?
Booger?
This is anything
you want it to be, Booger.
It's your last night
as a single man.
You're allowed to have
a little fun, Booger.
Oh, my God.
-I can't do this.
-Everybody's nervous
at first.
No, no, no.
It's not that I'm nervous.
I am not nervous.
It's just that, um,
Jeanie and I have
a special bond...
and I don't want
to break it.
Plus, you make me
very nervous.
So, if it's all right with
you, perhaps we could just...
sit here for a, for a moment...
so that the guys outside
won't...
think that I'm the sissy
that you know me to be.
-(laughs)
-(kiss)
You're not a sissy, Booger.
You're a mensch.
-I think he acted
very responsibly.
-That's right, Chip.
-(smacks butt)
-Oh, yes, Mommy!
-Oh, God. (laughing)
- Oh, I'm feeling better.
-Ooh.
-I've been bad.
I've been very bad!
I want a divorce, Chip.
It must be a mistake.
That's not me.
Those nerds did it.
I bet they did it
on a computer or something.
God, the things they can do
with computers these days.
No. I'm the one who made
the mistake, Chip,
when I married you.
It was a little indiscretion
at a bachelor party.
It's not just
the video, Chip!
It's been all downhill
since the honeymoon.
You drink too much.
You're mentally abusive to me.
You fool around
with other women.
We have absolutely
nothing in common.
Well, maybe I could work
a little harder.
It makes me ill to think
I've stayed with you
as long as I have.
(gagging)
CHIP: Honey?
You mind if I spoke
to Chip alone?
Oh, no, certainly.
Come, sweetie.
TIPPY: Gaylord!
-This isn't good, Chip.
-No.
So I'm gonna
kill you, Chip.
You made a fool
out of my daughter!
Aaron, I can
explain everything.
You lied about
the illegitimate child,
then you tried to frame
Booger and you got caught!
The illegitimate child will
be here tomorrow morning
at 10:00 a.m.
She's on route right now
from Sandusky, Ohio.
There is no illegitimate
child! You made it all up.
The illegitimate child will be
here at 10:00 in the morning!
It better be!
And you better get
my daughter to forgive you,
or there's no room for you
in this family
or at Humphrey Industries,
you pervert creep.
(door slams)
Oh, boy. That was
one heck of a stag party
last night, Lewis.
I know I'll never forget it.
I especially enjoyed your dance
with the woman who removed
her clothes, Mr. Booger.
Trevor, remember there's
a code of silence about
what goes on at a stag party.
-Code of silence?
-So, reveal nothing,
even if you're under hours
of interrogation and torture.
Wild horses couldn't
drag it out of me.
(chuckles)
Who aren't I
supposed to tell?
-Lewis.
-Huh?
There were women there,
weren't there?
Yes.
Were they pretty?
Yes.
What'd you do with them?
-The bunny hop.
-That's all you did?
-Yes.
-Was the bunny hop?
Okay. You can still
be my valentine then.
Oh, Betty.
(sighs)
You shouldn't have.
-He's so cute.
-He plays something too.
Beautiful.
(chuckles)
Hey, guys!
It's Valentine's Day!
ALL:
Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentine's.
Aaron, I hope you
didn't have anything
to do with videotaping
Booger at the stag party.
Absolutely not.
I wasn't even there.
Mm-hmm.
Aaron, if you don't
participate in this wedding
and make your daughter
proud of you,
I'm going to leave you.
You would leave me?
I have learned a lot
from the nerds.
Nerds speak their mind.
And from now on,
I'm gonna speak my mind too.
If you don't support your
daughter during this wedding,
I'm outta here.
Fix your ascot.
It's not like
I'm giving up that much.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Aaron,
we haven't had sex
since the Bush administration.
Well, it's, uh, hard to
perform in that way when the
Democrats are in power.
Ask any guy
in this neighborhood.
That's why the sex hasn't been
that hot lately.
Hot?
I'd settle for lukewarm.
Zip your fly.
(zipper screeches)
Well, it's not all my fault.
How can I have sex when
I have to spend all my time
fixing my ascot, zippering my
fly and matching my socks?
I can't be perfect
for you anymore, Tippy.
It's too much pressure.
Aaron. I thought
I was helping you.
I know how much you wanna be
accepted by the blue bloods,
but you don't ever have
to be perfect for me.
-I don't?
-No.
I just want you to be
the imperfect animal
I fell in love with.
You mean it?
Absolutely.
Tippy.
Aaron.
Oh, Tippy.
Aaron!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
MAN:
♪ Cupid ♪
♪ You've got the world
upon a string ♪
♪ It's time for armored hearts
to sing ♪
♪ So bless these
sweet nerd lips ♪
♪ Cupid ♪
♪ Strike while your
arrow's point is sharp ♪
♪ Play sweet melodies
upon your harp ♪
♪ Make all their sweet little
nerdy dreams come true ♪
♪ Give them one more chance ♪
-♪ To breathe in romance ♪
-(guffawing)
♪ Cupid ♪
Hey, I don't know if you're
enjoying your wedding,
but it's been
the best time of my life.
Nerds. Who knew?
-Where are you?
-Well, I'm over at Lois's.
Well, it's been special.
And thank God it's all going
to end this afternoon.
It's all gonna end
right now.
I'd like you to meet
Heidi Dawson, your daughter.
Go.
-TIPPY: Oh, Aaron!
-It's off!
(gasps)
-What's off?
-What?
The wedding!
Booger's kid turned up.
I told you there was a kid.
-Guys, the wedding is off.
-(gasps)
It's not your fault.
You didn't do anything.
You didn't ask to be born.
Would you like me
to give you a push
on those swings?
-No, thanks.
-Mmm, I'm a pretty good
swing pusher.
I could give you
an over-the-top.
I'm too old to be pushed
on the swings.
Oh, right. Yeah,
you're too old for that.
I used to hate it
when people treated
me like a baby.
-You did?
-Oh, yeah.
So what do you
like to do?
I'm afraid to tell you
because
if you don't like what I like,
then you won't like me.
I think... I'm going
to like you
no matter what you do,
as long as you live.
So there.
(tires squealing)
(car door closes)
-Booger.
-I'm here to see Jeanie.
I'm sorry, Booger,
but Jeanie doesn't
wanna speak with you.
I would like her
to tell me that.
Well, if she doesn't wanna talk
with you, she can't very well
tell you then, can she?
Mrs. Humphrey,
I am trying to be civil,
but now I am not asking.
I am demanding
to see your daughter.
Oh, Booger.
I'm sorry.
Oh, honey, help him.
Booger, every wedding has
its crisis. This is yours.
A crisis would be easy
compared to this.
Jeanie!
Oh, Booger.
Booger, the groom never
stops pursuing his bride.
Never.
Hey, pal. Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?
Hey, wait, wait a minute!
Hey, wait! (whistles) Hey!
(groans)
(grunting)
JEANIE: Oh.
(grunting)
(exhales)
-Booger!
-Darling!
Whoa!
So what if
I have a child.
I'm so confused. You know,
I just I don't know what
to think anymore.
Oh, marry me, Jeanie.
I just need a few days
to think about it.
What, not get married
on Valentine's Day?
I'm confused, Booger.
I need time!
There was a time
when getting married
on Valentine's Day
was the most
important thing
in the world to us.
Please go, Booger.
Is that what
you really want?
No. Not in my heart
and not in my soul,
but... I'm just so nuts
over this, you know.
It's like
I just need a little space.
Please, Booger?
♪ Jean ♪
♪ The roses ♪
♪ Are red ♪
♪ All the leaves
have gone green ♪
♪ And the skies
are so low ♪
♪ You can touch them ♪
♪ And so ♪
BOTH:
♪ Come into my arms ♪
♪ Bonnie Jean ♪♪
(giggling)
It's on!
BOTH:
What's on?
The wedding!
Whoo-hoo!
(sighs)
Ah, I'm so glad the wedding
is still on.
I was so wrong about nerds.
You know, we nerds believe
in forgiveness.
It's unreal
how much you remind me
of my friend Bing.
I've never met anyone
quite like you, Lamar.
(giggles)
Well, I'll take that
as a compliment.
It is.
-Lewis.
-Booger.
I'm gonna marry
Cathleen Turtletaub.
Who's Cathleen Turtletaub?
Heidi's mother.
But you don't even know
Cathleen Turtletaub.
I know, but it's
the right thing to do.
-(coughs)
-(hisses)
This really isn't about
Cathleen Turtletaub, is it?
No, it isn't.
This is about your zapatos
becoming muy frío, no?
-Lewis.
-Booger.
I didn't go through with it
with the stripper last night.
-Oh, yeah, we know.
-How do you know?
(smacks lips) Well, we kind of
figured it out
when we edited the videotape
to ruin Chip's life.
Here I was passing up
this mound of perfect.
I, who have never
passed up anything in my life.
What is the matter
with me, Lewis?
Where has the Booger
I have known
and loved... gone?
(clock chiming)
You ready?
Let's do it.
(glass hits table)
Please be my valentine.
You haven't given me
a valentine in 10 years and
this is what you come up with?
Pathetic!
(nervous chuckle)
(whimpers)
Aaron, Tippy, the food fight
was a sensational idea!
I'm gonna use the nerd theme
at my wedding.
(guffaws)
Mylan.
I'm so sorry for all the trouble
that you've experienced
with this affair.
Thanks for coming
to the wedding.
I do not care to judge you,
Aaron, on the basis of the hell
I've been through.
But I trust that it was merely
a horrific aberration
and I expect the wedding
to be quite different.
What?
Oh.
I, uh, trust
that'll be enough.
Wouldn't have missed
this wedding for the world.
LEWIS: Everybody, stand aside!
Make way for the groom!
(horn beeping)
I would know
that horn anywhere.
-LEWIS: Dad!
-U.N.!
-Hey, how are you?
-Hey!
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
I wouldn't miss
a nerd wedding for the world.
-How are you?
-Lewis, how are you?
-How's my unborn grandson?
-You mean your unborn
fetal son?
(both guffawing)
Emergency! Excuse, please.
The bishop has
a kidney stone.
He no make it to wedding!
Wha-how am I supposed
to get married
without a clergyman?
-I can marry you.
-But I don't love you.
Oh. No, no. I took
a correspondence course.
I'm a fully ordained
Tilhoonian minister.
-You are?
-U.N.
(guffawing)
(guffawing continues)
♪♪ (wedding music)
-Hi, Dad.
-Shh. (clears throat)
-♪♪ (organ)
-Sorry.
♪♪ ("Wedding March")
(guests murmuring)
-WOMAN #1:
Oh, she's just beautiful.
-WOMAN #2: Isn't she?
I've never seen a nerd
wedding I didn't cry at.
This is just fabulous!
(crying)
What a weenie.
(shutter clicks)
-(all sigh)
-Doesn't she look gorgeous?
(both crying)
(alarm blaring)
Lewis?
-Betty, you're having the baby!
-Lewis!
-Oh. You're having
the baby, honey.
-Lewis.
Booger, quick. You guys. Lamar!
Quick, come here!
LEWIS: Lamar. You guys.
Booger.
-Lamar, quick, hurry!
-BOOGER: Don't panic!
Ogre. Ogre.
We gotta carry her.
Okay. Okay, here we go.
-LEWIS: That's it. Careful.
-Okay, I got her.
-Okay, Lewey! Where, Lewey?
-Come on. Follow me.
-ALL: (chattering)
-OGRE: Where, Lewey?
(alarm continues blaring)
(alarm stops)
LEWIS: Ogre, here.
Put her head right here
in the chopped liver.
-Lewis!
-WOMAN: She need an ice pack?
Betty, don't push.
Don't push, Betty.
(groans)
ALL (chanting):
Betty, don't push.
Betty, don't push.
-Lewis!
-Betty, don't push!
Betty, don't push!
ALL (chanting): Eee-hee-hoo.
Eee-hee-hoo!
Eee-hee-hoo!
BOOGER: Heidi, where
are you going?
I shouldn't be here.
Of course
you should be here.
I'm not really your daughter.
Chip got me from an orphanage.
Chip got you
in an orphanage?
(scoffs)
-You, um,
-BETTY: (screaming)
rented an orphan?
Well, it seemed like
a good idea at the time.
And I've been under
a lot of stress lately.
-I'm sorry.
-(crying)
Daddy, don't! Don't!
-(smack)
-Ooh!
-(grunts)
-(chanting) Betty, don't push!
-(screams)
-(chanting)
Betty, don't scream!
-Get off our land.
-(chanting continues)
Betty, don't scream!
Aren't you forgetting
something?
The keys to the B.M.W.
MAN:
Cough 'em up.
-BETTY: (screaming)
-Okay, honey!
-BETTY:
It's all your fault, Lewis!
-You nerds did this to me.
But I'll get you...
if it's the last thing
I do!
-(grunting)
-(laughing)
-Bye, Chip.
-Hmph!
MAN:
Bye, Chip. (laughter)
My next husband's
going to be a nerd.
I, uh--I would like to
make an announcement.
-(Betty screams)
-I have, uh,
been a jerk
for this whole wedding.
You certainly have.
Well, I've...I-I never
been around a nerd before,
and I guess, uh--
well, I guess I judged
a book by its cover.
-(groaning)
-Booger.
I know you and my Jeanie
are gonna be very happy
together
because you know what you are
and you're proud of it.
Well, I'm, uh,
sick of trying to be
something I'm not.
Come on!
Push, honey, push! Push!
Tippy.
NERDS (chanting): Push, Betty,
push! Push, Betty, push!
-I--
-Push, Betty, push!
I--
I am nouveau riche
and I'm proud of it!
Mylan, if who I am isn't good
enough for the Republican party
of this state,
then to hell
with the nomination!
-And that is the truth!
-NERDS: Push, Betty, push!
The nerds have brought
my man back.
WOMEN:
Aw!
-(gasps)
-(gasps)
-Push, Betty, push!
Push, Betty, push!
-(screams)
-Push, Betty, push!
-Wow.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't go.
What would you say
if I said
we should adopt Heidi?
(Betty screams)
I would say that
I love you even more
than I already do,
and I didn't think
that was possible.
You gave up what you wanted
to tell the truth.
I really admire
that quality in a person.
Push, Betty, push!
Push, Betty, push!
It's coming!
It's coming, Betty!
Come on. Push, honey, push!
-BETTY: (grunting)
-(baby crying)
(crying continues)
Oh. Oh, it's so beautiful.
Our son is born.
Kunta Skolnick!
Behold the nerd child.
I see before me two souls who
desire to be joined together.
There's no greater
challenge in life,
and also, no greater
reward. (guffaws)
(crying)
Do you, Dudley Dawson,
take this woman,
Jean Lagarde Humphrey,
to be your lawful wife?
Before I answer that,
I just want to say
this is the happiest
moment of my life.
I do.
And do you, Jean Lagarde
Humphrey, take this man,
Dudley Dawson,
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
Excuse me.
I'm going to love you
till the end of time.
NERDS: (crying)
-I do.
-Then with the power
invested in me
by the Tilhoon Institute
of Home Learning Church,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
(guffaws)
Ohh!
Nerds forever!
Forever nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
GUESTS (chanting):
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
♪♪ (dance rock)
♪♪ (singing in Japanese)
♪♪
(continues singing in Japanese)
-♪♪
-(cheering, laughing)
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
(laughing)
Oh, Aaron.
(singing in Japanese)
TAKASHI:
(continues singing in Japanese)
♪♪
Woo!
Ya-hee!
(laughing)
-(cheering)
-Muah!
♪♪ (continues in Japanese)
TAKASHI (in English):
♪ Darling, I love you ♪
♪ Oh, darling ♪
♪ Darling, I love you ♪
♪ Love you ♪
♪ Darling ♪
-(music stops)
-(applauding, cheering)
Lewis, thanks
for everything.
It's gonna be
a great year.
(all guffawing)
(chattering)
Enhanced by Point.360
In the beginning,
God created the universe,
the heavens...
and the Earth.
Then God created
the first nerd.
♪♪
(chattering)
I'm going to take note
on your champagne glasses.
Check the silver service
and make sure that
it's properly polished.
Eugene, take this
to the kitchen. Make sure
the steam tables have arrived.
Check on the tablecloths
and make sure they're
the right color.
(continues chattering)
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, I don't know.
Aaron, relax.
You're driving
us all crazy.
This better be
a great wedding.
Every political heavyweight from
the party is gonna be there
checking me out.
Jeanie's wedding
is going to be wonderful.
Fix your ascot.
How come we never met this guy
that Jeanie's marrying?
-What's his name again?
-Dudley Dawson.
-Yeah.
-Hey, I wonder if he's from
the Schenectady Dawsons.
They're a very powerful
family back east.
(snaps fingers)
I went to school with Cap
Dawson.
-Talk about your blue bloods.
-Isn't it just
a little bit strange
that Jeanie never brought,
uh, what's-his-butt
over here before?
(scoffs)
His name is Dudley.
They only met three months ago.
I know I'd be a shoo-in
with the people
if I could just get
those old-money blue bloods
to endorse my candidacy.
And they'd be damn fools
not to, Dad,
irregardless of the fact
that you are nouveau riche.
Don't you ever use
that phrase in this house!
I am not nouveau riche.
I am a self-made businessman.
And I'm not your dad.
I'm your father-in-law.
Get it?
Right. Self-made businessman.
Father-in law. I-I got it.
Can we please stop talking
about the campaign for a minute?
Focus on Jeanie's wedding.
That's what's important here.
Gaylord's right,
as usual.
-WOMAN: Hi, everybody.
-Jeanie!
-You look wonderful.
-Thank you.
I love that outfit.
You do?
-So, you excited?
-Oh, yeah. (laughs)
Where'd you meet...
Dudley?
Well, at a ham
and lima bean cookout.
It was an Omega Mu sorority
fund-raiser.
Oh, ho, ho, sure, sure. The...
the Schenectady Dawsons
are very big with sororities
and fund-raisers and cookouts.
(doorbell ringing)
All your questions
will be answered in a moment.
-(knocking)
-Oh!
-Booger?
-Why'd she call him Booger?
-Baby!
-Oh!
Oh, honey.
Oh... buns.
-Give me buns!
-(shrieks)
-May I have them, please?
-Stop it!
-Give me buns!
-Shh! No! Shh!
Moo! Moo!
My family is waiting
to meet you.
(groans)
(gasps)
Mommy!
Tippy! Tippy!
-What happened?
-Mommy fainted.
Gosh, are you all right,
Mrs. Humphrey?
Yeah, I--
She'll be fine.
Can I ask you a question?
Are you from the Schenectady
Dawsons, railroad money?
-Hmm?
-Uh, no.
The Detroit Dawsons.
Sewing machine rental money.
-There's gonna be an egg.
Where's the kitchen?
-Oh, to the left!
-Are you all right, Mommy?
-Yes, yes, I'm fine.
I don't know
what came over me. Oh!
Sewing machine
rental money?
My God, he's a nerd!
(all gasp)
A nerd?
How can you tell?
There were a lot
of nerds at USC.
I can smell a nerd
a mile away.
Well, I've heard nerds
make wonderful husbands.
And they're smart too.
She's obviously getting
even with us for something.
-Beef! We need beef!
-In there!
That was kind of a rocky start
with your family.
Oh, everything's fine.
My mom's great.
I'm sure
she's just overwhelmed
from all the excitement.
-Well then, you don't think it's
because they don't like me?
-Booger, I love you.
Well, yeah, I know you--
I got it! I know you do.
But I was just afraid
maybe your "mishpukin'" was
thinking you were "mistookin'."
They're gonna love you too,
Booger. I know they will.
-(exhales)
-Oh!
Here you go, Mrs. Humphrey.
Put this on the--Hey!
-Oh!
-(gasps)
BOOGER: Don't move. Don't move.
Excuse me. That was clumsy.
-Ahh...
-There we go. I've got it.
Can I speak to you
a second, Jeanie?
Sure.
Thank you, dear.
It stops the swelling.
Are you pregnant?
Pregnant? No!
You mean, you don't
have to marry him?
Daddy!
I would like you to come with
me to a cult deprogrammer.
J-J-J-Just show up there and
be open. That's all I ask.
I just can't believe
you're saying this.
(whimpers)
Wh-wh-where are you going?
This is good stuff
I'm telling you.
(sobbing)
I love Booger!
And I'm gonna marry him
no matter what you think!
(sobbing)
Jeanie?
-Sweetheart,
you're overreacting.
-(door slams)
-What did you say to her?
-Nothing.
Nothing. We just had a little
conversation, that's all.
Ahh...
Can't we all just get along?
She comes home with a guy
who looks like he came
out of a vending machine,
-and I'm the one who's wrong.
-TIPPY: Jeanie. Jeanie.
What a world.
Hey!
Hi. I'm Jeanie's sister,
Gaylord.
And this is my husband, Chip.
Chip Medford.
Great idea. Having the wedding
on Valentine's Day. (laughs)
Are you sure your best man
knows where we are located?
Oh, he'll find it
all right.
As a matter of fact,
he will be here in exactly
seven seconds.
Five, four,
three, two, one.
Right on the button.
Lewis!
Booger!
Pull in here!
(honks horn)
(hydraulics brakes hissing)
(both laughing)
-Oh, Booger's wedding.
-Yeah!
-(singsong)
♪ Booger's gettin' married ♪
-Oh, come on. Stop it!
Hey, what do you think
of the truck?
Well... well, I would expect
nothing else from the king of
the nerds.
-It's got everything.
-Where's Betty?
Oh, follow me.
Would you like to see
my unborn fetal son?
-Yeah.
-This is a state-of-the-art,
remote-activated,
microwave-transmitted,
bilingual, five DB-gain,
semi-duplex fetal monitor.
I can check on the development,
the vital signs of my unborn
fetal son from anywhere in
the universe.
(laughs) Look.
There's his tinkler.
Just like the old man, huh?
(both guffawing)
-Booger!
-Betty!
-What is this?
-An Airbus A300 WhisperJet
could land right on our truck,
and Betty and our unborn fetal
son wouldn't even be hurt.
-Lewis?
-Hmm?
Could you let me
out of here?
-Oh, sure, Betty.
-Here. Let me give you a hand.
-Thank you.
-(hisses)
(all laughing)
Hey, so, Booger, how are
things going with the in-laws?
Well, things
were going okay,
until my mother-in-law
passed out and cracked her head
on the coffee table.
BOTH: Oh.
And I don't think my
father-in-law likes me at all.
BOTH: Oh.
He's one of
those pretentious,
hoity-toity,
nouveau riche types.
-He may be anti-nerd.
-(both gasp)
Oh, no.
Why does this always have
to poke its ugly head out?
Indeed. We need to nip
this in the bud.
Booger, I want you to know
I take my job as best man
very seriously.
And I will take care
of everything, including
Jeanie's old man.
Never fear,
Skolnick's here.
-I love you, you big galoot.
-(laughs)
(laughs)
I feel better already.
-(horn honks)
-Hey, here comes the gang.
- ♪ Take one down
pass it around ♪
-Hey, guys!
♪ No bottles of beer
on the wall ♪
(whooping, chattering)
-Lamar!
-Party, party, party!
Booger!
(laughing)
-(camera shutter clicks)
-Nerds are here!
-Takashi!
-Booger!
-Lewis! Hi, Lewis.
-Takash, how are you?
Good to see you.
Oh, Betty! Oh, ho, ho!
Betty so big.
-(laughs)
-Oh, look at you!
-Oh, Judy!
-Uncle Lewis!
-Harold! Good trip?
-Ah, ho, it was great.
You know, the bus driver said
we were the first group ever
to make it all the way through
"A Hundred Bottles of Beer
on the Wall?"
-(laughing)
-BOOGER: Yes! Hey!
It's been delightful
motoring with you.
Trevor, how was the trip?
I only got
carsick twice.
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
I'm proud of you, laddie.
(both speaking Spanish)
I am--I am just so thrilled
you all showed up.
-BOTH: Stan!
-Hi, guys.
-Stan! (laughs)
-Booger!
-Great to see you.
-You too.
Oh, Betty, you're gonna make
such a pretty mom.
Stan, you are such a nerd.
Yeah, I sure am. I'm selling
software up in Silicon Valley.
-Ah, that's fantastic.
-Yeah, I've never been happier
in my whole life.
(both guffawing)
(chanting)
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds!
-Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
-(moans)
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
Nerds! Nerds...Nerds.
Hey, it looks like
you're breaking out.
What are you talking about? I've
always had a perfect complexion.
I think you've got
the chicken pox.
Easy on the sauce, Aaron.
You don't think I'm gonna
go through this sober?
Come on. Relax.
It's not as bad as all that.
What is this dog hair doing
here? We don't have a dog.
ROMEO: Excuse me.
Uh, do you prefer the
salad forks to be chilled,
or the salad plates
or both?
-Well, I--
-Figure it out.
-Aaron!
-Oh, I never.
I cannot work in a vacuum.
I need input. I need feedback.
-Romeo! Romeo!
-(mumbling)
This is so unfair.
No one told me that I would be
catering a wedding for a bunch
of nerds.
Romeo, don't leave, please.
Please, no, no!
-MAN: Eugene! Eugene!
-(horn honks)
(mouthing words)
Well, it looks as though the
happy event is about to begin.
I worked hard
my whole life.
I started out at 13
selling cheap porcelain
knickknacks door-to-door.
You know how hard that is?
After she marries
that nose-picking "jibony,"
I can kiss my political
career good-bye.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
And you can kiss taking over
Humphrey Industries good-bye.
LEWIS: Yeah, I know. Maybe he'll
let you guys live here. You'll
have your own computer room.
You know, there's two days
before the wedding.
-A lot of things could happen.
-Like what?
Engagements get canceled all the
time for all sorts of reasons.
You mean break up
the wedding?
We all want what's best
for the family.
Break up
my daughter's wedding?
Don't even think about it.
You-you got a nasty mind, Chip.
I hate when you have a nasty
mind. Break up my daughter's
wedding.
Geez.
In addition to ruining any
chance of a political career,
think for one minute...
what this will do
to the family tree.
You can pick your friends,
you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick
your relatives.
Do whatever
you have to do.
♪♪
Smile pretty.
Smile pretty.
-(camera clicks)
-Thank you.
Name tags.
Name tags, anyone?
TAKASHI: Right there. Right
there, a picture.
-Excuse me.
-(camera clicks)
Would you like a
"Hello. My name is" tag?
How nerdy can you get?
Lois, what on earth
are all these nerds
doing here?
They're Booger's friends.
(scoffs)
Well, Aaron and Tippy
must just be sick.
Oh, Tippy seems okay,
but it's killing my brother.
Daddy.
Hi. Lewis Skolnick,
best man.
-Figures.
-Booger is just crazy
about your daughter.
He's gonna make a wonderful
husband, and that's all
that really matters.
-Right.
-Y'know, once you get
to know Booger,
-you'll be very happy
with what you see.
-(slurping)
I'll be very happy
when I get away from you.
(guffawing)
MAN: Aaron, my dear man,
I'm so sorry.
(chattering continues)
You know, Booger,
I do sense a bit of friction
with your future father-in-law.
-Friction?
-Mm-hmm.
He hates my guts.
Say hi to Stan.
-(radio clicks)
-Stan, this is Lewis. Come in.
I read you.
I read you, Lewis. Over.
Yeah, I just wanted to see
how you're feeling, man.
Oh, pretty good.
Just such a bummer
I got the chicken pox.
Y'know, I guess I was just too
cool to get them as a kid.
(laughs)
Well, you know, sometimes we
just have to play the cards
we're dealt with.
Yeah. You're always
so perceptive, Lewis.
I wish I could be like you.
Give it time, Stan.
Over and out.
(slurping)
Excuse me, Mr. Lewis,
Mr. Booger.
Why is that buttocks squished
up against the window
-like a pressed Devonshire ham?
-(screams)
Ogre!
-Lewey!
-Ogre! How are you?
-How you doing? See it?
-Yeah, I saw it.
-That's Ogre.
-Oh.
-Ogre! Ahhh...!
-Little buddy! How you doing?
(chanting)
Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!
Ogre! Ogre!
This is the worst party we've
ever been to. Good night.
This was unbelievable. Thank
God my daughter's a lesbian.
-Ogre! Ogre!
-Hey, did you see my buns?
-Uh-oh.
-What? Who is it?
-Mylan Whitfield.
-Huh?
The chairman
of the Republican party.
Nice of you to come, Mylan.
Could I get you a drink?
The strongest one
you've got.
(belching)
(belching continues)
-I think this is a record.
-(continues belching)
-(all laughing)
-OGRE: Still the world's champ.
-I drink to that.
-Heyyy...
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
That's your future
son-in-law.
And now
a very special treat.
-My fiancée's turn.
-Oh.
Oh, no, Jeanie, please. Don't,
don't, don't do it, please.
Please, don't, please.
Okay. Okay.
Don't do it, please.
Don't do it.
(gulps, belches)
-She's doing a good job.
-(mumbling, belches)
Booger must be so proud.
-(belching)
-(applause)
Wow!
Can you believe it?
-Whoo!
-She's got the croup.
My Jeanie, she can belch
with the best of them.
Hey, your sorority sisters
are here.
OGRE: It's the Omega Mu's.
(all mooing)
They're all voters, Mylan.
Booger! Booger! Booger!
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
(mic feedback)
Why are they always chanting?
You see, the younger
generation today, they--they--
I think
it's kind of fun.
You're wearing
two different socks.
BOOGER: Well, (clears throat)
I wanna welcome you all
to the wedding
that none of us
ever thought would happen.
-(all cheering)
-I guess hell must have
frozen over after all.
(all laughing)
Come on now.
-♪♪ (rim shot)
-Boom!
But, Jeanie,
you don't know about this,
but I'm going to sing
a little song for you.
It's something that I think
of whenever I think of you.
-WOMAN: Awww.
-WOMAN #2: So romantic.
MAN: Nice spot light.
♪♪ (keyboard)
♪ Jean, Jean ♪
♪ Roses are red ♪
♪ And all the leaves ♪
♪ Have gone green ♪
♪ And the clouds
are so low ♪
♪ You can touch them
and so ♪
♪ Come on out
to the meadow ♪
♪ Jean ♪
♪ Jean, Jean ♪
♪ You're young and alive ♪
♪ Come out of your half
dreamed dream ♪
Sorry, Aaron. Gotta go.
You will come
to the bridal shower?
No can do.
Important engagement.
♪ If you will
to the top of the hill ♪
I thought you were gonna do
something.
I'm working on it.
I'm gonna start
first thing in the morning.
Start now, doofus.
♪ Bonnie Jean ♪♪
Oh.
♪♪ (piano ends)
(applause)
For those of you
in the audience here
who are blues aficionados,
we have a little, uh--
It's a little bit dissonant,
but I think you'll like it,
'cause with the fluteophones,
it's kind of special.
Flutes up.
A-one, a-two,
a-one, two, three.
-WOMAN: Even I can't take this.
Good night.
-♪♪ (playing of key)
♪ Many were the wild notes
her merry voice would pour ♪
♪ Many were the blackbirds
that wobbled them all ♪
TREVOR: ♪ Oh, I dream of Jeanie
with the light brown hair ♪
MAN: ♪ Yo, sexy boy
just think of me ♪
♪ As your love toy
Come wind me up ♪
♪♪ (continues, indistinct)
JEANIE (laughing):
Hi guys!
-LEWIS: Hey!
-BOOGER: (laughing)
-Hey, can I cut in?
-Sure thing.
BOOGER: If I may.
Betty, pregnant women
have always made me boggy.
Oh, Booger.
You're just incorrigible.
-I try to be.
-(laughing)
Excuse me.
I just want you to know
that I'm really happy for you.
Booger lets you
be yourself,
and I really like
what I see.
I can't believe this
is coming out of the mouth
of my perfect sister.
Who knows?
Maybe this wedding has
really brought us together.
I love you, Jeanie.
I love you, Gaylord.
-(sobbing)
-Oh!
Oh, girls.
Once you go nerd,
you'll never go back.
(all laughing)
I would just die
for your cheekbones.
Oh.
Hey, handsome.
Wanna dance?
(exhales)
Sure.
BOOGER:
Good show, Harold.
MAN:
♪ I wanna be your sexy boy ♪
♪ Just think of me
as your love toy ♪
♪ Come wind me up
Don't need no keys ♪
♪ Just pull the strings ♪
What a prenuptial party.
Really, so enjoyable. Just
tremendous. (whistles)
♪ I'll bring you joy
I'll make you dance ♪
♪ I'll make you shake
this sexy boy ♪
TIPPY: Jeanie and her friends
are having a good time.
Everybody who's important
is gone.
What an embarrassment.
No, no, no, look.
Your sister's still here.
♪♪ (continues, indistinct)
My sister stays to the end
of supermarket openings.
BOOGER: Hey, Takashi,
whatever happened to Gilbert?
Mrs. Humphrey,
-Yes?
-Can I have this dance?
-Oh, I don't think I could.
-I think you could.
(laughs) There's a
little nerd in everyone.
There's no nerd
in me, pal.
♪ I wanna be your sexy boy ♪
♪ Believe me
I'm the real McCoy ♪
-♪♪ (continues, indistinct)
-(belches)
Yo! Mama-san!
-(kiaiing)
-Lois, wait!
(shuddering)
♪ I wanna be
I wanna be your sexy boy ♪
♪ Your sexy boy ♪
♪ Turn out the lights ♪
TIPPY: Hey, you nerds
really know how to party.
(Lewis guffaws)
BOOGER:
I'm just getting started, baby.
Romeo,
have you seen Chip?
Oh, sure, that's exactly
what I have on my mind,
worrying about where Chip is.
Oh, gee, where could Chip be?
Here, Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip.
Here, Chip, Chip, Chip,
Chip, Chip, Chip.
How would you like to lose
about 12 teeth?
Bitch.
CHIP:
I'm looking for dirt, scandal,
some deviant behavior,
a skeleton in a closet
that would be so horrible,
it would break up a wedding.
And money's no object.
-(chair squeaks)
-How did you find me?
Let's just say
through a friend.
And why do you wanna
ruin the wedding?
Well, my father-in-law's
thinking of getting
into politics,
and the groom
would ruin his chances.
And if the father-in-law doesn't
enter the political arena,
you don't take over
the family business.
Yes. Well, I suppose
that would happen, but
that's not my major concern.
-It's nerds, isn't it?
-How did you know that?
-I'm a detective.
-Wow.
I had a case with nerds
a couple months ago.
-They can be very slippery.
-(chair squeaks)
How do I know
you're any good?
(sighs) You know the dirt
on the royal family?
You?
(laughs)
Well, let's do business.
-(chair squeaks)
-All right.
-What's the groom's name?
-Uh, Dudley Dawson.
But his friends
call him "Booger."
-Well, that's the first thing
in our favor.
-What-what's that?
With a name like Booger,
it shouldn't be too hard
to get dirt on him. Right?
TREVOR:
Good night, Mr. Ogre.
OGRE:
Good night, Trevor.
TAKASHI:
Good night, Lamar.
-STAN: Good night, Judy.
-JUDY: Good night, Stan.
LAMAR:
Good night, Takashi.
(toenail clangs in can)
-Betty.
-Hmm?
Why can't we videotape
the birth?
I just don't want the whole
world to see my privates.
But I've already bought
a high-definition,
Dolby stereo,
3-D helmet cam.
You know you'll show
the video to someone.
I'm really surprised
at you, Betty.
Not having the confidence
to think that I wouldn't show
the video to someone.
(sighs)
-Maybe I would.
-(toenails clanging)
-I probably would.
-Hmm.
I definitely would,
but it's only because
no one is prouder than I am
of our unborn fetal son.
And your privates.
(guffaws)
Lewis Tarada Skolnick!
Ow! Betty,
I was only kidding.
-Ow!
-Are you all right, honey?
I'm fine. I just have
a little side ache. Ohhh...
You are so wonderful.
I bet I'm the only woman
in America
to have a certified midwife
as a husband.
That's because I don't want
anybody but me delivering
our unborn baby son.
-(giggles)
-Hey, Betty.
-Hmm?
-Would you like to have
some pickles and ice cream?
Pickles, ice cream.
Pickles, ice cream.
I would love
some pickles and ice cream.
-Oh, yea, Mama.
-I'll be right back.
Oh, honey, I don't want you
to go now. It's after 3:00.
If my unborn fetal son
and my beloved wife
want pickles and ice cream,
I don't care what time it is.
-(giggles)
-Eskimo kiss?
-Butterfly.
-Eskimo.
-Butterfly. Butterfly.
-Eskimo. Eskimo.
I love you, you big nerd.
I know you are, but
what am I? (guffaws)
-Booger.
-Hey, Lewis. Where you going?
Oh, I was just gonna
take a cruise
in the party truck
and get Betty
some pickles and ice cream.
-You're gonna make
the best father.
-You really think so?
I know so.
Hey, you wanna come with?
No.
-Are you feeling
all right, Booger?
-Lewis...
I'm gonna say
something to you
that I would never tell
anybody else in the world.
I'm a little scared.
Scared? You?
Well, what are you
scared about, Booger?
I've been single
a long time, Lewis.
I've enjoyed a lot of Mu's.
My life has been blessed.
(chuckles)
And they've enjoyed
you too, pal. (laughs)
Now I'm hanging it all up.
But what happens
if I run into a woman
who really curdles my blood?
'Cause you know me, Lewis.
You know how it is.
Our eyes meet
across a crowded room,
and bammo.
We're talkin' "nutso" time.
Bananas. We're talking
out of my brains,
can't control the faculties,
the mind follows
the genitals time.
Because that's
what happens, Lewis,
anytime I meet a woman
who really makes me
wanna take a bath.
Well, I have manly urges too,
Booger, I mean, like any other
red-blooded American male.
Well, of course you do.
How do you handle it?
I just think of Betty
or computers.
No, see, not me.
(exhales)
I'm like a train wreck
on the Long Island Railroad.
I may see trouble down
the tracks, but this trainman
can't pull the switch.
Well, nobody likes to party
more than I do, Booger.
Except for maybe you.
But my life got so much better
since I married Betty.
And yours is going to too,
provided you're ready
to compromise
and work hard, incredibly hard,
on your impending union
with Jean.
-You have to work
really hard, huh?
-Uh huh.
I mean, it's not any harder
than, say,
designing cornering velocities
for the Japanese Bullet Train.
But you should get some sleep.
I mean, tomorrow is a
huge day for you.
You got the all-you-can-eat nerd
bridal shower at the Rump Roast
Room at noon.
And then there's
my surprise theme bachelor
stag party at night.
You forgot about that,
didn't you?
You're gonna nail me,
aren't you?
You're darn tootin'.
See ya, Booger.
-Hey, Lewis.
-Yeah?
Thanks.
I love you, Booger.
I love you too.
♪♪
Bibs, anyone?
LEWIS:
Don't be bashful.
It's all you can eat.
So, uh, Russia's in,
you know, bad shape.
Decentralization of the
economy and the privatization
of industry,
while, you know, leading
to these personal freedoms,
it's cost
some great hardships.
That's why I, Ogre,
I think I'm gonna go over there
and see if I can help them out.
You know what I mean?
That's no good.
(laughing)
(gasps)
-What the--
-Say "cheese."
-BOTH: Cheese.
-TAKASHI: Okay, now
stay there, stay there.
-Lewis to Stan, Lewis to Stan.
Come in, Stan.
-I read you Lewis. Over.
Uh, listen.
This is your 2:00 pox report.
How-how you feeling, Stan?
Much better now,
thanks to Judy.
If you don't take care of
the pox, they can scab
and leave scars.
-Over and out.
-Honey.
-Hmm?
-What's Trevor Gulf doing?
I-I think
he's mooning us.
That's not a moon.
That's the San Joaquin Valley.
-Trevor, no!
-Oh, big smile.
Trevor, come on.
It isn't nice to moon.
-Oh, it isn't?
-No, it isn't.
-Mr. Ogre mooned.
-Well, you see, Trevor,
Mr. Ogre's
a converted nerd, okay?
He used to be a jock.
He's still a little rough
around the edges.
Jacques?
Is he from France?
(guffaws)
-My condolences, Aaron.
-You gotta take
the good with the bad.
-Sorry, Aaron.
-Hey, if it's not one thing,
it's another.
Mylan, thank you
for coming.
Thank you for sending
the limo for me.
Thank you for sending
the bauble to my secretary.
And the entire
party thanks you
for sending the check.
-Just being
a good Republican, Mylan.
-Hmm, hmm...
Come along, dear.
Nice seeing you again, Flo.
-I've done a little homework
on Dudley "Booger" Dawson.
-Oh, yeah?
-He's an attorney all right.
-Well, that's good.
A personal injury
attorney.
He's an ambulance chaser?
It just gets worse.
-Well, it'll all be over soon.
-What are you gonna do?
You just get ready
for a bombshell.
Ogre, thanks, man.
That's--That's
really thoughtful.
It was really expensive.
(chuckles)
So, uh, I guess
it's on to Lewis
and Betty's present, huh?
-(all gasping)
-Oh, wow!
-WOMAN: Look at that.
-A ski exerciser!
I've been dying
for one of these!
-Have you?
-Boss!
They now have anything
ever sold on an infomercial.
Oh, shut up, Aaron.
TAKASHI: Hey, everybody,
everybody, Booger's parents are
here!
Mr. and Mrs. Booger!
Mr. and Mrs. Booger!
(applause)
Mom? Dad!
They look like they just
fell off a pickle truck.
(laughs)
-Chip!
-Ow!
Folks, everybody, excuse me.
These are my parents.
-Oh!
-Oh!
(shutter clicks)
We're so glad
that you're here,
Mr. and Mrs. Dawson.
(cheering)
I am flabbergasted.
We would both
like to thank all of you
from the bottom of our hearts
for this wonderful shower
you're throwing us.
It's probably the first shower
he's ever had.
(guffaws)
MR. DAWSON: No, he showered
regularly. Every other night
in the summer,
and weekly
in the winter.
Well, I don't know
about you guys, but I'm ready
to jump off the dock.
-Yeah!
-Hold it, everybody.
I'd like to offer my toast.
ALL:
Yeah. Yeah.
WOMAN: Get the glass.
Oh, here, take this.
To Booger's love child.
Love child? What are - -what
are you talking about?
I'm talking about the daughter
you had 12 years ago,
out of wedlock, with a young
woman in Sandusky, Ohio.
All right, Booger!
Yeah, bud!
You have a child that my little
girl doesn't know about?
I am appalled, Booger.
Appalled.
-And so is my wife. Right? See?
-But--
I don't know anything
about this.
I have no child
in Sandusky, Ohio.
-The hell you don't!
-(all gasp)
This is a fairly
specious charge.
Where's your proof,
Chip?
Yeah, where's
your proof, Chip?
ALL: Yeah.
My proof is right here.
I'd like you to meet Detective
First Class Chad Penrod.
Detective Penrod, does
Dudley Dawson, alias Booger,
have or have not a 12-year-old
child in Sandusky, Ohio?
I checked the birth records
in Sandusky and found
that on March 19, 1981,
a certain Heidi Dawson
was born to
a Miss Cathleen Turtle--
Turtletaub
and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.
-Cool.
-Wait!
If the parents of the alleged
love child were never married,
why isn't the child's name
Heidi Turtletaub?
Exactly.
Why isn't the child's name
Heidi Turtletaub?
-Yes.
-(neck bones crack)
Beats me.
If the child were born
to an unmarried mother,
wouldn't the so-said mother
have given the aforementioned
daughter her last name?
PENROD:
Well, I do know this.
The child's nickname
is Booger.
-(all gasp)
-Yeah!
I think we should leave,
Jeanie.
Oh.
Do you wanna marry a man
who doesn't tell you
that he has a child?
Who knows what
he'll lie about next?
You saw The Crying Game.
How do we know
he even is a man?
-(gasps)
-(all gasping)
-LAMAR: Don't you touch me!
-Get your hands off me!
-LAMAR: Don't you touch me!
-I caught you red-handed!
-LAMAR: Get off of me!
-LEWIS: Hey, break it up!
-Break it up!
-I'm gonna tell everybody!
Don't you get me started.
-I heard--
-Word!
I can't believe what got
into you two. This is supposed
to be a happy occasion.
I'm especially surprised
at you, Lamar.
Now what was going on?
Well, Chip was crackin'
on Booger's parents.
Crackin' on my parents?
What kind of cracks, Chip?
-Booger.
-Yeah, what kind?
-As your best man, I strongly
advise you just let it go.
-I'm not going to let it go.
On the other hand, I'm
prepared to explore other
avenues with you as well.
-What kind of cracks, Chip?
-(stammering)
Chip said that your mama
was so ugly, that the Elephant
Man paid to see her.
(laughing)
The point is you have a
12-year-old daughter in
Sandusky, Ohio!
This has nothing to do
with my having a child
in Sandusky, Ohio.
That isn't what
this is about at all.
-This is because I'm a nerd.
-(all gasping)
And it has been
since the beginning.
Mm-hmm.
Why else would someone rummage
through my private life
with a detective?
And then announce this...
detestable fabrication,
this--this
tissue of lies
-on the happiest day
of my life?
-Oh, Booger.
Hath not a nerd eyes?
When you prick us,
do we not bleed?
I am tired
of the reckless allegations,
the snide snickering,
the talking behind backs,
the sly innuendos,
the looking down on us.
We are what we are.
-Aren't we?
-NERDS: We are!
-And we're proud
of what we are.
-NERDS: We are!
And we are not about
to allow ourselves
to be intimidated
by a bunch of--
Booger, don't say it!
-Say it, Booger!
-Nouveau-riche pigs!
OGRE:
There you go.
You have...
the audacity...
to utter the most...
morally reprehensible slur
to these...
fine, upstanding,
self-made
businesspeople.
Shame on you, Booger.
Shame on all of you nerds.
Ogre, no!
-(gasps)
-WOMAN: Oh!
The prosecution rests.
I've had it with you nerds!
All right, everyone,
just cool it!
-Oh, what the hell.
-We've got too much class
for this kind of crap.
-Booger!
-Jeanie!
-Booger!
-TAKASHI: (yells)
Ahhh!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaa!
(woman shrieking)
So you might have a daughter
in Sandusky, Ohio, huh?
(sighs)
I don't know.
It's certainly possible.
God knows my seed is as
strong as an Alaskan salmon.
And I partied pretty hard
in the early '80s.
In Sandusky?
Apart from Akron, I probably
spent more time in Sandusky
than any place on earth.
Damn it!
Everything was going so
great. Now it's ruined.
Ah, Booger.
Your wedding isn't ruined.
What are you
talking about?
We just had a food fight.
People don't have...
food fights at their...
bridal showers!
But I did.
Some nouveau-riche guy,
looked like he could
have been a banker,
is mashing...
handfuls of garni
up my nostrils!
(sighs)
I know things look bleak.
But they've been bleak
before.
Do you remember
at Adams College?
We were exiled
from the dorms
and forced to live
in the gymnasium.
Do you remember
in Fort Lauderdale,
when we were persecuted into
subjugation and incarcerated?
How about when Orrin Price
framed me...
for embezzling...
Adams College
computer research funds?
We may have been subjected to
the yoke of nerd oppression
before,
-but we're not gonna be
subjected to it again!
-(bangs mug)
This wedding is not over!
The son of a gun
has just begun!
Come on, pal.
(crying)
(ringing)
BOOGER:
Meet me at the Wood Bridge
in half an hour.
Please?
- Hello?
-(sobs)
I'm sorry.
Is this 555-4264?
Knock, knock.
Is this a private party?
Have a drink, Chip.
Thanks, Dad--Aaron.
(laughs)
(sighs)
I'm taking a lot of flack
from this from my wife.
I thought the, uh, food fight
was a nice plus though.
This is a career day
for you, Chip.
As a matter of fact, this is
the first good thing I could
ever remember you doing.
Oh, come on. I've done
lots of good things.
Name one.
-Are you serious?
-Name one.
Well, there was, uh--
-Uh--
-You don't do anything
and I pay you a fortune.
But look.
You made up for everything.
You're the man
who drove the Booger man
out of my daughter's life.
(exhales)
Daddy, I have to
talk to you.
I'm so confused.
First of all, I just wanna
thank you for being
so concerned about me.
I know in my heart
you only want
what's best for me,
no matter what you say
or do or how you behave.
JEANIE: (sighs)
I sure do love
that Booger though.
I can't believe he's got
a kid he never told me about.
(groans)
(scoffs)
Kids--you gotta love 'em.
(exhales)
It, um--
It is true, Chip.
Is what true?
That, um, he has a child
with an unwed mother
and all that?
Yeah, sure it's true.
The detective I hired
found it.
Because it, uh--
it wouldn't be good
if it wasn't true.
-It's true.
-Then, uh--then it's good.
-'Cause it's true.
-Right. If it's true,
it's good.
And, uh, I feel good about that.
(clicks tongue)
Good.
(birds chirping)
(gasps)
-Booger!
-Jeanie!
Let's go to our secret spot
so no one will see us.
-I love you, Booger.
-Oh, I love you too.
But marriage is about trust.
No secrets from each other,
remember?
I don't have any secrets.
Well, what about that child
in Sandusky, Ohio?
I don't have a child
in Sandusky, Ohio!
Well, why would
Detective Penrod
say that you did?
Well, I don't know!
I don't even know
who Detective Penrod is!
I'm a condemned man
and I don't have a child!
I believe you, Booger.
You do?
Yes, because marriage
is about trust.
And I trust you...
completely.
BOOGER: (laughs)
All I know is that I love you
and I think we should
continue the wedding.
Oh, Booger, I--
I don't know what to do. I--
I--I don't know.
I don't know what's
right or wrong anymore.
I, uh--
I know it's
a day early, but...
I'd like you to read
my valentine.
(giggling)
-Open it up.
-(laughs)
A cow.
Oh.
"An empty spot
was on my heart
until I met you,
O Valentine.
Then the spot filled in.
My heart was whole.
I could love for the first
time in my life
now that you
are going to become
my wife."
-Ahh, the hell with my dad!
-Uh, huh, that's exactly what
I'd hoped you'd say.
(laughing)
(lowing)
-Again.
-(laughs)
(lowing)
(laughs) Oh, I can't tell you
what it does to me
to hear you moo again.
-(lowing)
-(mooing)
(mooing)
-Oh, ho, ho, Booger!
-Jeanie!
-(laughs)
-(mooing)
(lawn mower)
-It's on!
-What's on?
The wedding is on
again!
First it's on, then it's off.
Now it's on again.
I am on an emotional
roller coaster.
-I am not a yo-yo.
-(scoffs)
-(lawn mower)
-(tray slams)
How can the wedding be on?
We all can't even be
in the same room together.
Never in the history
of weddings
has there ever been
a clearer case
of incompatibility.
Aaron, Jeanie is thrilled.
Think about her for once.
I am thinking about her.
The man is a liar
and a child deserter.
If she goes through with
this wedding, I'm not gonna
have anything to do with it!
Zero, nothing,
nada, zip!
-(chair ganging)
-Ow!
(laughing)
Okay, all right. Anybody who
feels that Booger could have
an illegitimate child
in Sandusky, Ohio,
raise your right hands.
(shouts)
Opposed?
-You don't think it's possible?
-No, I do not.
Booger may be Booger,
but he always took precautions.
-That is right.
He always did wear condoms.
-Oh. Condom.
-So he couldn't have a child.
-No way.
(car approaching)
-Harold, where you going?
-LAMAR: I don't know, but I
would guess Aunt Lois's.
Are you scoring, Harold?
Well, I certainly wouldn't
tell you if I was.
But I guarantee ya
I ain't going over there
for breakfast.
(all laughing)
-(tires screeching)
-Ya-hoo!
-(horn honking)
-(tires squealing)
-It's on!
-BOTH: What's on?
The wedding!
-(tires screeching)
-(horn honking)
Uh, I-I thought you told me
the love child was real.
I didn't say she was real.
I said it was a great idea.
But it hasn't turned out to
be such a great idea, has it?
If Aaron finds out
I've lied to him, I'm dead.
He's gonna fire me.
(sighs) Hey, if he fires you,
isn't he also cutting off
his own daughter?
He's gonna give her
an allowance that
I'm not allowed to touch.
Well, (lips smack)
that'd do it.
(moans)
Oh, relax will ya. There
are plenty of ways to
ruin a wedding.
-Such as?
-It's easy.
You know what bachelor
parties are like.
Beautiful women,
liquor flowing,
raw naked temptation.
Booger's bound
to succumb.
According to his bio,
he's got the self-control
of a brahma bull.
Uhh, how would we, uh--
How would we show proof
of this?
We'll make one
of America's
least funny home videos.
-(chuckling)
-(chuckling)
Do it.
Hey. There's a horse here
named Big Booger.
♪♪
(groans)
I missed the food fight.
And now I'm gonna miss
Booger's surprise theme
bachelor party.
Well, not really, Stan.
May I present to you and Judy
a special Valentine's Day treat.
Try these on for size, ok?
Now, tonight when
the bachelor party starts,
you simply turn on the TV,
hit the function button
on your remote. OK?
And you might not be there,
but you'll have
the next best thing--
-Skolnick Vision.
-(guffaws)
-Bye, guys.
-Thanks, Lewis.
-Thanks.
-(door opens, closes)
(both guffawing)
-♪♪ (dance rock)
-(shouting, chattering)
-Oh, I made it!
-Great shot, Takashi. You know,
you owe me another 20 bucks.
-Huh?
-Well, sometimes when you win,
you lose.
Now, let's play for
your watch.
-Okay, thank you.
-You're welcome. (laughs)
Red ball, middle pocket and
you can call me London Fats.
(chuckles)
(party favors squealing)
Ah, here you go.
A bumper pool tournament!
I mean, what an original idea
for a bachelor party!
I knew that you
would love it, Booger.
Is there gonna be
a girlie show?
Mr. Dawson,
that would be sexist.
Yeah, we believe it's possible
to be entertained
without demeaning women.
That's nice. But personally,
I'd prefer a little skin.
Hey, hey, fellas, I got winners.
(chuckles)
He's got a lot of nerve
showing his face around here.
-Temper, temper.
-Don't worry about it, Booger.
We got him under
24-hour surveillance.
There's nothing he can do
that we don't know about.
-(laughs)
-(laughs)
Hey, no lofting, Harold!
(chanting) Nouveau riche!
Nouveau riche! Nouveau riche!
-Nouveau riche! Nouveau riche!
-(gargles)
I really expected Aaron
to be here tonight.
He doesn't want anything
to do with the wedding.
Well, he might have extended me
the courtesy of allowing me
to know that.
(chanting) Nouveau riche!
Nouveau riche!
All right, all right,
all right. All right!
(chanting stops) Nouveau--
Now, I know we had
a little trouble today
at the all-you-can-eat
nerd bridal shower
at the Rump Roast Room at noon,
but, hey,
that's behind us now, right?
-We're adults.
-Hold it, everybody.
-Lewis is right.
-(coughs)
Why, even I've been a bit
of a recalcitrant
during this wedding,
but now that I've gotten
to know... Booger,
I realize that you and Jeanie
are a perfect couple.
And I know that
it's only the first step,
-♪♪ (dance rock)
-but I'm hoping
that you will accept...
-MAN: Look at that.
-...my dove of peace.
-(excited chattering)
-(party favors squealing)
-Miss Modem!
-(all cheering)
-Miss Numbers.
-Come on!
(sighs)
Miss Mainframe.
-Leave it to Chip to be sexist.
-M-m-me, me, me!
-CHIP: Miss Communication.
-(gasps)
You know, they are
sort of enjoyable.
-CHIP: Miss Floppy Disk.
-BOOGER: (moaning)
-(moaning continues)
-♪♪
-I love you!
-Come on!
-(all shouting)
-(party favors squealing)
Hey, hey, hey.
-I'll take care of him.
-Go get him.
-Hi, Booger. I'm your present.
-(growls)
♪♪ (continues)
WOMAN: ♪ You make quiver ♪
(moans)
You feel so good!
I can't take no more!
♪ You make me quiver ♪
(both guffawing)
MAN:
Take it off!
(cheering)
(guffawing continues)
♪♪ (music continues)
♪ You make me quiver ♪
(laughing)
You know, this--this
Skolnick Vision is great,
but, ah, still, it's not like
actually being there.
We could have our
own stag party, Stan.
♪♪ (continues)
-(all shouting)
-(party favors squealing)
♪ You make quiver ♪
♪♪ (vocalizing)
(laughing)
♪ You make quiver ♪
(all shouting)
♪ Shiver ♪
-(cheering)
-(shouting)
♪ You make me quiver ♪
-♪♪ (continues)
-(cheering)
(laughing)
We're gonna have some fun.
A cool time.
(both laughing)
-What is all this?
-(chuckles)
This is anything that you
want it to be, Booger.
(whirring)
-♪♪ (conga drum beating)
-ALL: Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Did you do the nasty?
I still got it.
(all shouting, cheering)
-All right, Booger!
-♪♪ (conga drum resumes)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
This better be good, Chip,
to have woken us up
in the middle of the night.
I just want you all to see
what kind of lowlife
Jeanie's going to marry.
BOOGER (on TV):
What is all this?
Booger?
This is anything
you want it to be, Booger.
It's your last night
as a single man.
You're allowed to have
a little fun, Booger.
Oh, my God.
-I can't do this.
-Everybody's nervous
at first.
No, no, no.
It's not that I'm nervous.
I am not nervous.
It's just that, um,
Jeanie and I have
a special bond...
and I don't want
to break it.
Plus, you make me
very nervous.
So, if it's all right with
you, perhaps we could just...
sit here for a, for a moment...
so that the guys outside
won't...
think that I'm the sissy
that you know me to be.
-(laughs)
-(kiss)
You're not a sissy, Booger.
You're a mensch.
-I think he acted
very responsibly.
-That's right, Chip.
-(smacks butt)
-Oh, yes, Mommy!
-Oh, God. (laughing)
- Oh, I'm feeling better.
-Ooh.
-I've been bad.
I've been very bad!
I want a divorce, Chip.
It must be a mistake.
That's not me.
Those nerds did it.
I bet they did it
on a computer or something.
God, the things they can do
with computers these days.
No. I'm the one who made
the mistake, Chip,
when I married you.
It was a little indiscretion
at a bachelor party.
It's not just
the video, Chip!
It's been all downhill
since the honeymoon.
You drink too much.
You're mentally abusive to me.
You fool around
with other women.
We have absolutely
nothing in common.
Well, maybe I could work
a little harder.
It makes me ill to think
I've stayed with you
as long as I have.
(gagging)
CHIP: Honey?
You mind if I spoke
to Chip alone?
Oh, no, certainly.
Come, sweetie.
TIPPY: Gaylord!
-This isn't good, Chip.
-No.
So I'm gonna
kill you, Chip.
You made a fool
out of my daughter!
Aaron, I can
explain everything.
You lied about
the illegitimate child,
then you tried to frame
Booger and you got caught!
The illegitimate child will
be here tomorrow morning
at 10:00 a.m.
She's on route right now
from Sandusky, Ohio.
There is no illegitimate
child! You made it all up.
The illegitimate child will be
here at 10:00 in the morning!
It better be!
And you better get
my daughter to forgive you,
or there's no room for you
in this family
or at Humphrey Industries,
you pervert creep.
(door slams)
Oh, boy. That was
one heck of a stag party
last night, Lewis.
I know I'll never forget it.
I especially enjoyed your dance
with the woman who removed
her clothes, Mr. Booger.
Trevor, remember there's
a code of silence about
what goes on at a stag party.
-Code of silence?
-So, reveal nothing,
even if you're under hours
of interrogation and torture.
Wild horses couldn't
drag it out of me.
(chuckles)
Who aren't I
supposed to tell?
-Lewis.
-Huh?
There were women there,
weren't there?
Yes.
Were they pretty?
Yes.
What'd you do with them?
-The bunny hop.
-That's all you did?
-Yes.
-Was the bunny hop?
Okay. You can still
be my valentine then.
Oh, Betty.
(sighs)
You shouldn't have.
-He's so cute.
-He plays something too.
Beautiful.
(chuckles)
Hey, guys!
It's Valentine's Day!
ALL:
Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentine's.
Aaron, I hope you
didn't have anything
to do with videotaping
Booger at the stag party.
Absolutely not.
I wasn't even there.
Mm-hmm.
Aaron, if you don't
participate in this wedding
and make your daughter
proud of you,
I'm going to leave you.
You would leave me?
I have learned a lot
from the nerds.
Nerds speak their mind.
And from now on,
I'm gonna speak my mind too.
If you don't support your
daughter during this wedding,
I'm outta here.
Fix your ascot.
It's not like
I'm giving up that much.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Aaron,
we haven't had sex
since the Bush administration.
Well, it's, uh, hard to
perform in that way when the
Democrats are in power.
Ask any guy
in this neighborhood.
That's why the sex hasn't been
that hot lately.
Hot?
I'd settle for lukewarm.
Zip your fly.
(zipper screeches)
Well, it's not all my fault.
How can I have sex when
I have to spend all my time
fixing my ascot, zippering my
fly and matching my socks?
I can't be perfect
for you anymore, Tippy.
It's too much pressure.
Aaron. I thought
I was helping you.
I know how much you wanna be
accepted by the blue bloods,
but you don't ever have
to be perfect for me.
-I don't?
-No.
I just want you to be
the imperfect animal
I fell in love with.
You mean it?
Absolutely.
Tippy.
Aaron.
Oh, Tippy.
Aaron!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
MAN:
♪ Cupid ♪
♪ You've got the world
upon a string ♪
♪ It's time for armored hearts
to sing ♪
♪ So bless these
sweet nerd lips ♪
♪ Cupid ♪
♪ Strike while your
arrow's point is sharp ♪
♪ Play sweet melodies
upon your harp ♪
♪ Make all their sweet little
nerdy dreams come true ♪
♪ Give them one more chance ♪
-♪ To breathe in romance ♪
-(guffawing)
♪ Cupid ♪
Hey, I don't know if you're
enjoying your wedding,
but it's been
the best time of my life.
Nerds. Who knew?
-Where are you?
-Well, I'm over at Lois's.
Well, it's been special.
And thank God it's all going
to end this afternoon.
It's all gonna end
right now.
I'd like you to meet
Heidi Dawson, your daughter.
Go.
-TIPPY: Oh, Aaron!
-It's off!
(gasps)
-What's off?
-What?
The wedding!
Booger's kid turned up.
I told you there was a kid.
-Guys, the wedding is off.
-(gasps)
It's not your fault.
You didn't do anything.
You didn't ask to be born.
Would you like me
to give you a push
on those swings?
-No, thanks.
-Mmm, I'm a pretty good
swing pusher.
I could give you
an over-the-top.
I'm too old to be pushed
on the swings.
Oh, right. Yeah,
you're too old for that.
I used to hate it
when people treated
me like a baby.
-You did?
-Oh, yeah.
So what do you
like to do?
I'm afraid to tell you
because
if you don't like what I like,
then you won't like me.
I think... I'm going
to like you
no matter what you do,
as long as you live.
So there.
(tires squealing)
(car door closes)
-Booger.
-I'm here to see Jeanie.
I'm sorry, Booger,
but Jeanie doesn't
wanna speak with you.
I would like her
to tell me that.
Well, if she doesn't wanna talk
with you, she can't very well
tell you then, can she?
Mrs. Humphrey,
I am trying to be civil,
but now I am not asking.
I am demanding
to see your daughter.
Oh, Booger.
I'm sorry.
Oh, honey, help him.
Booger, every wedding has
its crisis. This is yours.
A crisis would be easy
compared to this.
Jeanie!
Oh, Booger.
Booger, the groom never
stops pursuing his bride.
Never.
Hey, pal. Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?
Hey, wait, wait a minute!
Hey, wait! (whistles) Hey!
(groans)
(grunting)
JEANIE: Oh.
(grunting)
(exhales)
-Booger!
-Darling!
Whoa!
So what if
I have a child.
I'm so confused. You know,
I just I don't know what
to think anymore.
Oh, marry me, Jeanie.
I just need a few days
to think about it.
What, not get married
on Valentine's Day?
I'm confused, Booger.
I need time!
There was a time
when getting married
on Valentine's Day
was the most
important thing
in the world to us.
Please go, Booger.
Is that what
you really want?
No. Not in my heart
and not in my soul,
but... I'm just so nuts
over this, you know.
It's like
I just need a little space.
Please, Booger?
♪ Jean ♪
♪ The roses ♪
♪ Are red ♪
♪ All the leaves
have gone green ♪
♪ And the skies
are so low ♪
♪ You can touch them ♪
♪ And so ♪
BOTH:
♪ Come into my arms ♪
♪ Bonnie Jean ♪♪
(giggling)
It's on!
BOTH:
What's on?
The wedding!
Whoo-hoo!
(sighs)
Ah, I'm so glad the wedding
is still on.
I was so wrong about nerds.
You know, we nerds believe
in forgiveness.
It's unreal
how much you remind me
of my friend Bing.
I've never met anyone
quite like you, Lamar.
(giggles)
Well, I'll take that
as a compliment.
It is.
-Lewis.
-Booger.
I'm gonna marry
Cathleen Turtletaub.
Who's Cathleen Turtletaub?
Heidi's mother.
But you don't even know
Cathleen Turtletaub.
I know, but it's
the right thing to do.
-(coughs)
-(hisses)
This really isn't about
Cathleen Turtletaub, is it?
No, it isn't.
This is about your zapatos
becoming muy frío, no?
-Lewis.
-Booger.
I didn't go through with it
with the stripper last night.
-Oh, yeah, we know.
-How do you know?
(smacks lips) Well, we kind of
figured it out
when we edited the videotape
to ruin Chip's life.
Here I was passing up
this mound of perfect.
I, who have never
passed up anything in my life.
What is the matter
with me, Lewis?
Where has the Booger
I have known
and loved... gone?
(clock chiming)
You ready?
Let's do it.
(glass hits table)
Please be my valentine.
You haven't given me
a valentine in 10 years and
this is what you come up with?
Pathetic!
(nervous chuckle)
(whimpers)
Aaron, Tippy, the food fight
was a sensational idea!
I'm gonna use the nerd theme
at my wedding.
(guffaws)
Mylan.
I'm so sorry for all the trouble
that you've experienced
with this affair.
Thanks for coming
to the wedding.
I do not care to judge you,
Aaron, on the basis of the hell
I've been through.
But I trust that it was merely
a horrific aberration
and I expect the wedding
to be quite different.
What?
Oh.
I, uh, trust
that'll be enough.
Wouldn't have missed
this wedding for the world.
LEWIS: Everybody, stand aside!
Make way for the groom!
(horn beeping)
I would know
that horn anywhere.
-LEWIS: Dad!
-U.N.!
-Hey, how are you?
-Hey!
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
I wouldn't miss
a nerd wedding for the world.
-How are you?
-Lewis, how are you?
-How's my unborn grandson?
-You mean your unborn
fetal son?
(both guffawing)
Emergency! Excuse, please.
The bishop has
a kidney stone.
He no make it to wedding!
Wha-how am I supposed
to get married
without a clergyman?
-I can marry you.
-But I don't love you.
Oh. No, no. I took
a correspondence course.
I'm a fully ordained
Tilhoonian minister.
-You are?
-U.N.
(guffawing)
(guffawing continues)
♪♪ (wedding music)
-Hi, Dad.
-Shh. (clears throat)
-♪♪ (organ)
-Sorry.
♪♪ ("Wedding March")
(guests murmuring)
-WOMAN #1:
Oh, she's just beautiful.
-WOMAN #2: Isn't she?
I've never seen a nerd
wedding I didn't cry at.
This is just fabulous!
(crying)
What a weenie.
(shutter clicks)
-(all sigh)
-Doesn't she look gorgeous?
(both crying)
(alarm blaring)
Lewis?
-Betty, you're having the baby!
-Lewis!
-Oh. You're having
the baby, honey.
-Lewis.
Booger, quick. You guys. Lamar!
Quick, come here!
LEWIS: Lamar. You guys.
Booger.
-Lamar, quick, hurry!
-BOOGER: Don't panic!
Ogre. Ogre.
We gotta carry her.
Okay. Okay, here we go.
-LEWIS: That's it. Careful.
-Okay, I got her.
-Okay, Lewey! Where, Lewey?
-Come on. Follow me.
-ALL: (chattering)
-OGRE: Where, Lewey?
(alarm continues blaring)
(alarm stops)
LEWIS: Ogre, here.
Put her head right here
in the chopped liver.
-Lewis!
-WOMAN: She need an ice pack?
Betty, don't push.
Don't push, Betty.
(groans)
ALL (chanting):
Betty, don't push.
Betty, don't push.
-Lewis!
-Betty, don't push!
Betty, don't push!
ALL (chanting): Eee-hee-hoo.
Eee-hee-hoo!
Eee-hee-hoo!
BOOGER: Heidi, where
are you going?
I shouldn't be here.
Of course
you should be here.
I'm not really your daughter.
Chip got me from an orphanage.
Chip got you
in an orphanage?
(scoffs)
-You, um,
-BETTY: (screaming)
rented an orphan?
Well, it seemed like
a good idea at the time.
And I've been under
a lot of stress lately.
-I'm sorry.
-(crying)
Daddy, don't! Don't!
-(smack)
-Ooh!
-(grunts)
-(chanting) Betty, don't push!
-(screams)
-(chanting)
Betty, don't scream!
-Get off our land.
-(chanting continues)
Betty, don't scream!
Aren't you forgetting
something?
The keys to the B.M.W.
MAN:
Cough 'em up.
-BETTY: (screaming)
-Okay, honey!
-BETTY:
It's all your fault, Lewis!
-You nerds did this to me.
But I'll get you...
if it's the last thing
I do!
-(grunting)
-(laughing)
-Bye, Chip.
-Hmph!
MAN:
Bye, Chip. (laughter)
My next husband's
going to be a nerd.
I, uh--I would like to
make an announcement.
-(Betty screams)
-I have, uh,
been a jerk
for this whole wedding.
You certainly have.
Well, I've...I-I never
been around a nerd before,
and I guess, uh--
well, I guess I judged
a book by its cover.
-(groaning)
-Booger.
I know you and my Jeanie
are gonna be very happy
together
because you know what you are
and you're proud of it.
Well, I'm, uh,
sick of trying to be
something I'm not.
Come on!
Push, honey, push! Push!
Tippy.
NERDS (chanting): Push, Betty,
push! Push, Betty, push!
-I--
-Push, Betty, push!
I--
I am nouveau riche
and I'm proud of it!
Mylan, if who I am isn't good
enough for the Republican party
of this state,
then to hell
with the nomination!
-And that is the truth!
-NERDS: Push, Betty, push!
The nerds have brought
my man back.
WOMEN:
Aw!
-(gasps)
-(gasps)
-Push, Betty, push!
Push, Betty, push!
-(screams)
-Push, Betty, push!
-Wow.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't go.
What would you say
if I said
we should adopt Heidi?
(Betty screams)
I would say that
I love you even more
than I already do,
and I didn't think
that was possible.
You gave up what you wanted
to tell the truth.
I really admire
that quality in a person.
Push, Betty, push!
Push, Betty, push!
It's coming!
It's coming, Betty!
Come on. Push, honey, push!
-BETTY: (grunting)
-(baby crying)
(crying continues)
Oh. Oh, it's so beautiful.
Our son is born.
Kunta Skolnick!
Behold the nerd child.
I see before me two souls who
desire to be joined together.
There's no greater
challenge in life,
and also, no greater
reward. (guffaws)
(crying)
Do you, Dudley Dawson,
take this woman,
Jean Lagarde Humphrey,
to be your lawful wife?
Before I answer that,
I just want to say
this is the happiest
moment of my life.
I do.
And do you, Jean Lagarde
Humphrey, take this man,
Dudley Dawson,
to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
Excuse me.
I'm going to love you
till the end of time.
NERDS: (crying)
-I do.
-Then with the power
invested in me
by the Tilhoon Institute
of Home Learning Church,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
(guffaws)
Ohh!
Nerds forever!
Forever nerds!
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
GUESTS (chanting):
Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
♪♪ (dance rock)
♪♪ (singing in Japanese)
♪♪
(continues singing in Japanese)
-♪♪
-(cheering, laughing)
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
(laughing)
Oh, Aaron.
(singing in Japanese)
TAKASHI:
(continues singing in Japanese)
♪♪
Woo!
Ya-hee!
(laughing)
-(cheering)
-Muah!
♪♪ (continues in Japanese)
TAKASHI (in English):
♪ Darling, I love you ♪
♪ Oh, darling ♪
♪ Darling, I love you ♪
♪ Love you ♪
♪ Darling ♪
-(music stops)
-(applauding, cheering)
Lewis, thanks
for everything.
It's gonna be
a great year.
(all guffawing)
(chattering)
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