Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise (1987) - full transcript

(Man) In 1984, the "Nerd Revolution"
began on the campus of Adams College.

Despite prejudice, persecution
and painful pummelling,

the members of Lambda Lambda Lambda
fraternity overcame the powerful Alpha Betas

and gained control of the Greek Council.

It was a victory that underdogs throughout
the free world would always remember.

It was a defeat the Alpha Betas
would never forget.

Now the Tri-Lambs face their next challenge.

As representatives of Adams, they prepare
to join delegates from across the nation

at the United Fraternity Conference
in legendary Fort Lauderdale.

It is a time for fraternity leaders
to discuss the philosophy of brotherhood,

to set guidelines for their organisations...



and get laid.

# (man) She... wore... an...

# Itsy bitsy teenie weenie
yellow polkadot bikini

# That she wore for the first time today

# She... wore... an...

# ltsy bitsy teenie weenie
yellow polkadot bikini

# That she wore for the first time today

(braying laugh)

(# "ltsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie
Yellow Polkadot Bikini" by Devo)

- Hey, Gilbert.
- Hi, Lewis.

I got you some more reading material.

- Great minds, huh?
- Yeah. Hey, how you feelin'?

- Actually, I'm feelin' pretty stupid.
- Why?

I'm the only guy in the world
who could break his leg playing chess.



Hey, don't get down on yourself, Gilbert.
That was a very tricky move.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

- What's on your mind, Lewis?
- I'll tell you, Gilbert.

You're the president of this chapter
and I don't know if I can lead these guys.

Lewis, you're a born leader.

You got the looks of a Kennedy
and the brains of an Einstein.

And the prowess of a Skolnick.

- (braying laugh)
- (car horn)

Hey, that's my dad. I gotta go, Gilbert.

OK.

- Bye.
- Knock 'em dead.

- (braying laugh)
- I'll be in touch.

- Tickets?
- (nerds) Check.

- Money?
- (nerds) Check.

- Prophylactics?
- (nerds) Che...

(braying laugh)

You kill me, Dad.

You really got the pedal to the metal.

Yeah, I do, Dad. I got
the cruise control locked in at 35.

I'll tell you what. Kick it up to 37.

- Let's live dangerously.
- Dad!

(beeping)

Uplink. It's my pager.

Here you go, Dad.
Just plug that into the lighter.

(Mr Skolnick) OK.

- It needs 13.8 volts.
- Uh-huh. "Gilbert to Lewis."

- Hey, it's Gilbert.
- (Lamar) Gilbert.

(Gilbert) Hi, guys.

Ifyou've kept to your timetable, and I bet you
have, you're now travelling Highway 116...

"approaching the Duttonhoffer cutoff."

- God!
- God, Gilbert!

"Watch out for that pothole."

That Gilbert.

In any case, guys,

I just wanted a chance to tell you to have
a good time and beware of those Alphas.

They're here.

Nerds.

- (Poindexter) You know what?
- What?

According to this, the year-round mean
temperature in Fort Lauderdale's 72 degrees.

Well, it's located 26 degrees,
four minutes north longitude,

80 degrees, nine minutes west latitude.

What did you expect? 68 degrees?

(braying laugh)

Excuse me, miss. I just want you to know that
I don't intend to sleep with another woman

until I'm back here in your arms with my head
resting between your creamy thighs.

Jerk.

Excuse me, miss. I just want you to know
that I don't intend to sleep with another...

Excuse me. Are you with
the group from Adams College?

- Yes, sir.
- Great. May I see your tickets, please?

Good. Follow me. I'll take you directly
to your plane through the VlP entrance.

Wow, did you hear that,
you guys? We're VlPs.

- This is gonna be awesome.
- Where did Booger go?

- (slap)
- (woman) You pig!

- We're VlPs.
- Right here.

Very lmmense Penises.

Uh!

Well, men, we finally made it.

(Wormser sniffs)

Is this change in climate
affecting your allergies?

So far, I'm a little clogged.
I wish I had some Hexidol.

- 30 or 50 milligrams?
- Do you have the liquid?

Coagulant or deconstrictant?

Just blow your nose on
your shirt. That's what I do.

Wow.

Guys, I think that limo's for us.

- (Wormser) Sure this is for the conference?
- (Lewis) Yep.

Take this, please? Thank you.

(# "Back To Paradise" by 38 Special)

Oh, my God.

I love you!

I love you!

We're staying at the Royal Flamingo!

555-4369!

Hey, you missed a spot!

(braying laugh)

Hey, guys!

Hey, guys! Have a nice time!

Wargh! Get the window! Get the window!

To Fort Lauderdale.

(nerds) To Fort Lauderdale.

Look at the size of those coconuts.

- (Lewis) Gee, those are big ones.
- Wow. I've never seen anything like it.

You know, guys, I see no reason
why you all have to check in.

I mean, I'll do it if you guys
wanna hit the beach kinda early.

(Booger) Wait up!

(# "ltsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie
Yellow Polkadot Bikini" by Devo)

(Booger sighs)

(Booger) Boys, our ship has come in.

- May I help you, sir?
- Yeah, I'm here for the fraternity council.

- Ooh!
- Whoa!

- Are you OK, sir?
- I'm fine. Is my hair OK?

- Yeah. Um...
- Ooh!

Stewart!

- What's your problem?
- Lots of problems.

Starting with a painful childbirth, leading up
to this embarrassing, awkward moment now.

- Com...?
- Comstock. Jeffrey and Helen.

- C-o-m...
- S-t-o-c-k. Yes. That's fine.

Sir, excuse me. I just wanted to say that
that accident wasn't his fault. It was mine.

So I hope nobody was hurt.

Or will be.

Ow.

And that's how we won the Greek Council.

I play the violin.

Can I get you a drink or something?

Don't go away.

- Hey, Poindexter, she got a sister?
- I don't know.

- She's kinda shy.
- Yeah. I'm gonna buy her a drink.

Jesus.

Anybody know how to say
"Bite my crank" in Spanish?

"Muerde mi manubrio. Por favor."

I'm a polyglot.

I gotta buy this girl a drink.

But, Poin...

It was really cool of you
to take the blame for me.

I thought this was gonna be another in the
never-ending series of poundings in my life.

- Really?
- Yeah. People pound me all the time.

- I guess I'm a little screwup.
- That's not necessarily true.

If you believe in yourself,
you can be a big screwup.

(braying laugh)

What I meant to say was if you believe in
yourself, you can be a giant. Lewis Skolnick.

- Stewart Lipsey.
- How you doin'?

- Hi.
- I'll see you around.

- Sure.
- OK.

Two rum and Cokes, please.

Welcome to the Royal Flamingo.
May I help you, sir?

- Sir?
- Yeah? Yes!

Um, sorry. Lewis Skolnick,

of the Lambda Lambda Lambda delegation
from Adams College. We have a girlfriend.

Uh, I mean, a reservation.

Oh, no. This computer hates me.
Let me get someone who can help you, OK?

Uh, you know, I know a thing
or two about computers myself.

Um, maybe I could help you out.

Oh. Well...

I type in your name,
press "Search" and... nothing.

I spotted your problem. It's stroke technique.

- Excuse me?
- Stroke technique.

See, you have to arch your fingers.

Try that.

- Like this?
- Uh-huh.

- It worked!
- Yeah. See. Look. "Lewis Skolnick. 10..."

"Cancelled"? That can't be right.

I'm sorry, but your rooms
have been given to someone else.

We're the Tri-Lambs from Adams College.

It's really important that we stay here. I mean,
isn't there anything you can do, please?

Listen, I'm just a trainee, but let me
talk to my manager, Mr Munsinger.

- I'm sure he can straighten this out for you.
- That'd be great, uh...

- Sunny.
- Sunny.

Thanks. Sorry.

Mr Munsinger?

Excuse me. Um...

the Lambdas are here and the computer
shows we gave their room away.

- I don't want nerds staying in this hotel.
- But this poor guy has no place to stay.

Forget it. That room has to stay empty.

Why?

Fire law.

To which fire law are you referring, sir?

- Who's the manager of this hotel?
- Fred C Dobbs.

- Who's the acting manager?
- You, sir.

- Let's go three for three. Who's the trainee?
- Me, sir.

- Who's to obey the fire laws if I tell them to?
- Me, sir. Excuse me.

Now, where am l? Where were we?

Geek alert at three o'clock.

- Booger! Booger!
- Yeow, baby!

- Lewis has a problem.
- What?

He needs our help. Come on.

(growls)

Come on, Booger. Wormser!

So, how far is Daytona Beach
from Fort Lauderdale?

What?

Fort Lauderdale Men's Club, right?

No rooms available? OK, thanks.

Thanks.

- Hey, guys. How's it goin'?
- That one's full too. That's the ninth one.

Here's a thought. We're only gonna be here
five days. Do we really need a room?

Oh, wow, look at these geeks.

Man, what kind of a fraternity
lets these guys in?

Listen, Rog, I don't want these nerds
hanging around my hotel.

Buzz, relax.

These guys are history. Watch.

Pardon me. Are you guys
the Lambdas from Adams College?

- Why?
- I'm Roger Lattimore.

I'm chairman of the United
Fraternity Council. Call me Rog.

Lewis Skolnick. Lambda
Lambda Lambda. Adams.

I heard how much trouble you guys had,
how you couldn't get a room.

- You wouldn't believe it. It's been so trying.
- I bet. That's rough. Yeah.

I wish I could help you
but it's out of my hands.

You see, the manager here is a guy named
Buzz Munsinger. He's right over there.

- Hi, Buzz.
- Can you introduce me, Rog?

Well, I'd like to, but, you see,
Buzz is an Alpha like me.

- You mean Alpha Beta?
- Yeah. He doesn't want you to stay here.

You know how it is. So, I guess
you guys'll just leave, huh?

Here, I'll call you a cab.

- Wait a minute. I think I've found one.
- The Hotel Coral Essex.

"Full recreation facilities,
spacious ocean-view suites."

- Sounds great.
- Confirm it, Poindexter.

- Fantastic.
- It was a pleasure meeting you.

- I guess we'll see you at the conference.
- OK, we'll see you tomorrow.

Well, gentlemen, no point in hanging around
this dump any longer. Heaven awaits.

(Booger) Must be checkout time.

They must have had a heck
of a party here, guys.

(duck squawks)

Hello?

Hola, mijito.

*Hablo ingl?s?

Yes, you speak English.

We have a reservation. We're the Tri-Lambs.

Oh, yes, here it is.

No problem. You follow me.

Your room is in the Ricky Ricardo Wing.

I'm Aldonza, your hostess.
If you need anything...

# You just call me

# Don't be afraid

And over here is the beautiful
Olympic-sized swimming pool.

- You be sure you shower before you use it.
- (growling)

- Didn't I just see...?
- No.

- Alejandro, s?came Wanda del pool.
- (growling)

And over here is the wonderful sauna.

(coughing)

You be sure you leave it the way you find it.
And this is Damu, Mamu and Shamu.

Boys.

- Hey, dogs.
- (dogs growl and bark)

Down the hall and to the left
is the Coke... machine.

Over here is the gym.

Come on, Daddy. Wanna go
around the world with Selena?

- Yeah, let me make it good for Daddy. Ooh!
- (Aldonza) Yoo-hoo! Babies! Follow me.

Big man, you.

And over here, this is your room,
the Ricky Ricardo Suite.

Boys!

# (Aldonza) La-da-dee-dada dee-da-da-daa

Oh, don't worry. It's just a little evidence.

# Magic carpet

Now, you just make yourself at home, OK?

(all scream)

I'm just going to cook you your lunch.

# Dee-da-dee-da-da dee-dada-dee

Ugh!

(metal detector crackles)

- Poindexter, that's my pocket protector.
- Sorry, Lewis.

Harold! Harold!

Wow.

That's cool.

We trashed their house last year.

That didn't work. We locked them out
of the hotel, they checked into another.

- What are we gonna do?
- What are you asking us for?

- You're the one with the 2.0 average.
- 2.2.

We can't shake these guys.

Christ, there could be a nuclear war, there'd
be nothing left but cockroaches and nerds.

Let's kill 'em.

Nah.

Wait a second. I got it. It's so simple.

I mean, they're nerds,
but they're men too, sort of.

And what is the thing that
every man in the world is afraid of?

- I don't know, Tiny. What?
- Come on, guys. You know.

At one time or another, every man
in this tub has been petrified

that a chick is gonna see him naked and
see how small his dick really is, right?

- Jesus.
- Come on, guys, admit it.

Yeah, sure. Whatever...

Tiny.

What? What do you...?
It's a reverse nickname.

Like they call red-headed guys Blondie
and right-handed guys Lefty.

Mini-link, are you finished?

- And bald guys Hairy.
- Will you shut up?

We gotta get rid of these guys.
We gotta get rid of 'em in a major way.

Hold it, fellas.

I'm gettin' an idea here. Yeah, by this time
tomorrow, the nerds'll be history.

(Ogre) Nerds!

Ogre, relax.

Tomorrow, you'll be at the podium
and the nerds'll be packin'.

All right, Rog.

(laughs)

Whoo!

(knock on door)

(Aldonza) Pony express!

- What's this?
- I think it's an invitation to a party.

"Dear Lambda Lambda Lambda,

you are invited to the United Fraternity
pre-conference barbecue."

"Fraternally yours, Roger Lattimore."
Party, party, party!

# (nerds) Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily...

(driver) Guys! Guys! The pre-conference
barbecue is right down that path.

(Lewis) OK. Thanks for the ride.

Guys, this is gonna be a blast.
We'll see you when it's over.

- (driver) Yeah.
- (drumming)

- Hey, they even have a band.
- Just our luck.

We get here in the middle of the drum solo.

I don't know about this.
Something doesn't smell right.

That's me. I'm sorry.
Anxiety makes me flatulent.

Take a Valium or something, for Christ's sake.

(woman screams)

- Look!
- Holy shit!

(woman whimpers)

(Wormser) This must be one of the last
of the Seminole lndian tribes.

Jesus H Christ!

- Guys, we gotta help her.
- (nerds) Uh...

- Well, if not us, who? If not now, when?
- Somebody else, some other time.

No, Lewis is right, guys.
Are we mice or are we men?

- We are.
- We're Tri-Lambs.

When the going gets tough the tough get
going. That woman there needs our help.

Come on, men. Follow me.

(woman whimpers)

(Booger) Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

- (Wormser) What are they gonna do?
- I don't know.

- I think they're gonna sacrifice a virgin.
- I hope not.

A virgin's a terrible thing to waste.

There he goes.

(Indian chants)

Come on, guys.

(Wormser moans)

(Roger) Hit it, boys.

- (woman giggles)
- (growling)

- (Wormser) What was that?
- (Poindexter) I don't know.

(woman) Careful.

Winston, hit the lights.

(nerds scream)

- (woman screams)
- (Wormser) Oh, no!

(Lewis) Oh, my God!

Trespassers have witnessed sacred ritual.

Must burn clothes and chant... or die as well.

- What now, Mr Hero?
- Me?

- OK.
- Comin' right off.

- (Booger) We're sorry.
- (Wormser) Yeah, real sorry.

(nerds intone Buddhist chant)

(nerds) Nam myoho renge kyo.
Nam myoho renge kyo.

Nam myoho renge kyo.

Nam myoho renge kyo.

Intruders must leave Seminole country.

So get out of Florida.

(chanting continues)

Wait, wait.

(speaks Seminole)

- I don't think those guys are lndians.
- Why not?

Well, when I said "Bite my crank"
in Seminole, no one responded.

(Lewis) You said that to these guys?

- (growls)
- Argh!

- (Lamar) My blouse!
- (Indians yell)

(woman groans)

- (Ogre) Nerds!
- (nerds) Ogre!

- You don't go anywhere.
- Damn.

I'm gonna kill you guys. Uh, geeks!

(nerds scream and whimper)

(Indian war cry)

(woman) Oh, my!

(man) Will someone put
some clothes on them?

- (woman #2) Look, honey. Nerds.
- (woman #3) Are any of those our waiter?

(Wormser) Hitchhiking
five hours without a ride.

(Booger) Would you pick up
five guys in their underwear?

- Well, at least we're home.
- I can't believe this.

I've never been so humiliated. Lewis, you
must be crazy to think we're gonna stay here.

We were fools to think we'd be accepted here.

I'm going home where
I can not get laid in peace.

No, you're not. We were chosen by Adams
College to be their representatives.

- We're gonna stay here and represent them.
- Lewis!

Last year we were messed with, but we
fought back and we won. We can do it again.

That was Adams. This is the real world.

I really don't know about you guys,
but I'm not giving up.

- (woman) They really like that.
- (woman #2) Two for one.

I'm really sorry I snapped at you guys.

(all apologise at once)

(all) Go ahead.

(all apologise at once)

Lewis, we're really sorry.

We're not gonna quit on you. Are we, guys?

- No.
- No.

No.

All right.

(snorting and spitting)

(snorting and spitting)

This room is a pigsty.

Thank you.

- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Fuck you. Who died and made you God?

My name's Dudley Dawson.
They call me Booger.

Edgar Po Wong. They call me Snotty.

(belches)

(chuckles dismissively)

(belches loudly and long)

(belching continues)

Master.

My son, soon you will take over.

Those geeks look dumber in their
underwear than they do in person.

(Indian war cry)

In my day buttwipes like that
couldn't get in fraternities.

You went to college to drink,
play football and get laid.

None of this academic shit.
We had our standards.

I turned out just fine. I mean,
look at me. A hotel manager.

Whoa!

At least you guys got rid of those geeks.

Hear, hear, fellas.

Here's to the last of the nerds.

Nerds!

I don't care what kind of convention
you've got, I didn't get a wink of sleep.

There was yelling, carrying-on
like I don't know what.

We thought we heard sheep noises.

Why don't I do this? Would you hand me
a complimentary pass, please?

Here. This is a certificate for a free night
the next time you stay with us.

Well, all right, but that doesn't excuse it.

- I thought I heard power tools.
- I am very, very sorry.

Enjoy the rest of your stay.

- What's this about a free night?
- I thought because we're having a ha...

I'm not paying you to think. This hotel isn't
giving away rooms while I'm acting manager.

Unless you wanna have it taken out
of your paycheck. Get it?

So get your little ass back to work.

- That was rude, sir.
- Lipsey, you dipshit.

- That was rude. I think you should apologise.
- What?

(Lipsey yells)

Safe!

- Say, uh...
- Stewart.

Stewart, yeah. What are you doin'?

- Standing up for myself.
- Let me help you up.

Oh, Stewart.

Hi, Sunny. How's your stroke?

Mr Skolnick. Did you find a place to stay?

Well, actually, you can just call me at
the Hotel Coral Essex. I-I mean, you...

Stewart, are you OK? I just wanna
thank you for standing up for me.

- I guess you got fired, huh?
- Yeah.

- Fired? Who fired you, Stewart?
- The manager.

The acting manager.

Men?

- Yeah, just the three of us.
- Nerds!

Debbie, the car is...
There's plenty of room. Yeah.

Yeah. No, cos the seats go down. Sure.

Don't forget the blueberries and cream.

- Are you the manager here?
- Yeah.

Skolnick, come here.

(Ogre growls)

Skolnick, you're a smart guy.

Don't you understand?
You're not wanted here.

Wrong, sir. Adams College wants us here.

- We are their delegates.
- We have a right to be here.

- Tell him, Poindexter.
- Yes, how correct you are.

Excuse me.

According to Article 34 of the bylaws
of the United Fraternities,

all representatives representing
represented organisations

are allowed, by law, their rightful place.

- Yeah, so bite me, all right?
- (growls)

No, fine. Fine. You're right.

You're absolutely right.

If that's the law, then... that's the law.

So, we are resolved to extend
the reach of our domain

to include technical and trade schools

and English-speaking universities
outside of the country.

Now, to our last order of business,
which concerns constitutional amendments,

which will be voted on
at tomorrow's session.

Uh, Proposition 15,
sponsored by the Alpha Betas,

will be introduced by Chip "Tiny" Hayes.

Excuse me. Uh, Chip "The Meat" Hayes.

"Whereas it is a moral obligation
of every fraternity

to glorify both the body as well as the mind,

be it now resolved
that all fraternities shall a...

shall a..."

- Augment.
- Thanks.

"augment existing academic standards
with new physical standards as well."

- What?
- That's unfair.

- That's unconstitutional.
- That bites.

"Therefore, the membership of each fraternity
must meet such physical standards

or be excluded from
this conference. " Thank you.

- And who decides the standards?
- (Roger) Pardon me?

I said, who decides the standards?

Why, your, uh... your democratically elected
leaders, of course.

- Do I hear a second?
- Get the nerds outta here.

- I second it.
- (Roger) Thanks a lot.

Proposition 15 is moved and seconded
and will be voted on at tomorrow's ballot.

They can kick us out if we don't
pass the physical standards.

- (Booger) We're screwed.
- No, we're not.

They're not getting away with this.

Point of order! Hey! Point
of order! This is totally unfair.

Hey, I'll give you the mike as soon
as I make this brief announcement.

- All right. Make it quick.
- Thank you.

Gentlemen. Wet nightie contest,
poolside, in five minutes.

Wet nightie? Whoa!

(crowd chants)

Gentlemen, we got 24 hours
to get through to these people.

- But how?
- How? They're rational individuals.

All we have to do is explain to them that
Proposition 15 is unfair and inappropriate.

Guys?

What are you doing, looking at women like
that? You're a kid. You should be ashamed.

I made a mistake. We're gonna
have to fight fire with fire.

I agree. Let's torch their hotel.

- No, I mean beat 'em at their own game.
- Football?

No. I think we should have
a "No on 15" party.

- Right, guys? We can do it.
- Right.

The Tri-Lambs prevailed at Adams.
We can prevail here.

- Wormser, here.
- Thanks.

- Stewart?
- I sure hope this works.

If this doesn't get a crowd,
I don't know what will.

- Hit the switch.
- Hit the switch.

- Hit the switch.
- Hit the switch.

Hit the switch.

- (Stewart) Wow!
- (Booger) All right!

- Hey, you guys, that worked great!
- I don't get it.

Ave Maria.

(man) Party!

Oh, thank you, God, for my five little babies.

- It's party time!
- (Lamar) Hit it!

(# rap music)

# Party people in the place, here's a story

# About some guys that are bound for glory

# I'll get right down to the nitty-gritty

# - The Triple-L Crew is gonna rock this city
# - Rock this city

# I'm the l-a-m, the a and the r

# The man on the mike that they call Lamar

# And there's a couple of things
that I'd like to say about Prop 15

# It's not OK

# - Now, I'm no jock, no football hero
# - Hero

# But that don't mean I'm an absolute zero

(braying laugh)

# Now, people call us rejects
and all of that stuff

# Just because we can't do
a hundred push-ups

# Don't judge by looks
like a book by its cover

# You may miss a friend
You may miss a lover

(# guitar solo)

# I'm rockin' on the mike
I didn't come to preach

# But there's some folks out there
that need to be reached

# You've gotta open your mind
so you can set it free

# And the man to help you do it
is the mighty Lip-C

(# scratching)

# The mighty Lip-C

# Kick it! My name is Lip-C
and I got something to say

# And a couple of myths that I'd like to slay

# We're not really meek
like an itty-bitty mouse

# And in case you're uninformed
we came to rock the house

# There's only one question that I got
for you and that's, who are you?

# I'm somebody too

# - Some people into art
# - Some are really smart

# - Some got a head start
# - Does that mean we're worlds apart?

# Some people think we're for the birds

# And then they call us names
They call us nerds

# Nervous is what they really are

# Judging themselves
by the make of their car

# - We're not dorks
# - Not jerks

# - Not wimps
# - Not geeks

# - Not losers
# - Failures

# - Fakes
# - Or freaks

# Now, you may have clothes
You may have money

# A def set of wheels
and a good-looking honey

# Well, I ain't got threads or a Mercedes-Benz

# But at least I have got
some really good friends

# - So don't dis us
# - What?

# - Don't dismiss us
# - What?

# Cos one day you might want to kiss us

# - Don't reject us
# - What?

# - Disrespect us
# - What?

# We will not let you neglect us

# So before we go, take a final note

# No on 15 is the way to vote

# No on 15

# No on 15

(Lamar) Thank you! Thank you!
Now, how are you gonna vote?

(man) No on 15!

- (Lamar) What on 15?
- (woman) No on 15!

(nerds chant) No on 15!

(audience chants) No on 15! No on 15!

- No on 15!
- We're serious now.

- No on 15!
- We really mean it.

- No on 15!
- Can't hear you!

- No on 15!
- Make some noise!

No on 15!

(audience) No on 15! No on 15!

No on 15! No on 15!

I guess I underestimated these guys.

Motion is carried.

Proposition 15 is hereby removed
from the agenda and is rendered moot.

- They actually did it.
- Maybe the Alphas aren't such bad guys.

Now, I have one final order of business.

Could Lewis Skolnick,

president of the Adams College chapter
of Lambda Lambda Lambda,

come up to the podium, please?

- Go.
- Go.

(Roger) In order to make certain that this
organisation is never again embarrassed

by such misguided deeds
as the Alphas are guilty of,

I hereby propose the following
constitutional amendment.

Henceforth, any fraternity guilty
of illegal or improper conduct

shall be expelled from
the United Fraternity Conference

and their national charter revoked.

And, Lewis, I'd like the record here today

to reflect that we introduced
this proposition together.

OK, Rog.

(Roger) Let's officially bury the hatchet
between the Tri-Lambs and the Alphas

and put this joint amendment to a vote.

I think I'm gonna cry.

- All those in favour?
- (audience) Aye!

- Hey, guys.
- Here you are, fellas.

It's all yours.

I know it must be kind of overwhelming,

but, uh... we just wanted you guys
to know how sorry we were.

You know, Lewis, I hate to use "party"
as a verb, but you guys can really party.

We were impressed.

Yeah.

God, you know, Rog? We must be dreaming.

Nah. If we were dreaming I'd have a boner.

- Boner!
- That's great!

To truly hock a loogie,

one must not retrieve
the phlegm from the throat...

but from the soul.

Oh, God, Gilbert, I really wish you were here.
The Alphas down here are so great.

Listen to you. Are you telling me
that they called you up,

they invited you over to their hotel,
and then they gave you their suite?

- Yeah. Yeah, it's just incredible.
- It's too incredible.

Lewis, I know you, and I know that
sometimes you're so eager to be liked

that you don't take the time
to see people for who they really are.

Are you saying I'm some kind of weenie
who can't take care of himself?

- I'll tell you, I'm not that kind of weenie.
- Lewis, I just want you to be careful.

Remember, once an Alpha, always an Alpha.

- Ow!
- Sorry.

Hey, Boog, let's go.

(hums throatily)

(fly buzzes)

(spits)

(fly stops buzzing)

Ah.

Now, my son, you are ready
to go out into the world.

Awesome, Booger.

And don't forget the whipped cream.

So, you guys just get
the nerds into my car alone,

and I'll take care of the rest.
You understand?

- Yo.
- You bet.

Great.

Sir?

Oh, yes, Sunny, I have a job for you.
Mr Lattimore'll explain it to you.

Sunny, I just feel terrible about
the way I treated the Tri-Lambs,

and I thought maybe you guys could take 'em
out and, I don't know, show 'em a good time.

Actually, you could use my car if you want.

Well, that's awfully sweet of you
but, I mean, I have to work.

- Buzz?
- Part of your job is taking care of customers.

These are important guests.
I want to make them happy.

You what?

Earlier, I erred in my judgement.

These Tri-Lambs are, uh, good nerds. Men.

Look, just do your job, will you?

Yes, sir.

And, uh, Sunny...

have a good time, OK?

Yes, sir.

Bye-bye.

You know, guys, Gilbert, UN Jefferson, all
our brothers, they're gonna be so proud of us.

Gents?

Uh-oh. I think we're in their seats, guys.

(Lamar) It looks like
they're coming to talk to us.

(Booger) Whatever's in this drink,
I want a case.

It's not the drinks, it's us. Guys.

See, we're winners, and it shows.

- Shall we?
- What? Jump 'em?

Talk to 'em. Find out what they're like,
what they're thinking about.

- Find out what they look like naked.
- Find out if she's got a brother.

Find out how long they've
been listening to us.

- Hi, Sunny.
- Hello again.

- Hi.
- Yo.

- Nice day.
- Beautiful.

- Wow.
- Yo.

- Paradise.
- It is.

- (Lori) You bet.
- (Michelle) Yo.

So, you wanna get funky or what?

(# "Funky Town" by Pseudo Echo)

- Lewis?
- Yeah?

Would you rub some
of this lotion on my back?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Well... actually, the truth of the matter is,
Sunny, I'm a little nervous.

- Nervous?
- Yeah.

I mean... I'm not really
the cool dude I seem to be.

- Oh, no?
- Uh-uh.

I mean, I've never even... really rubbed lotion
on anybody except Poindexter there.

- I can't believe this.
- What?

Uh, rubbing lotion on a girl

who, uh, could date anybody she wanted
in the entire state of Florida.

- I don't date that much at all.
- Get outta town.

Guys like Roger ask you out all the time.

Guys like Roger barely have enough
glial cells to be considered primates.

- It's the shyer guys you wish would ask.
- Did you just say "glial cells"?

- Yeah. I was speaking facetiously, of course.
- Of course.

Everybody knows they
are measured not in quantity

but in respect to their ratio
to neurons in the parietal lobe.

Sunny, you're amazing.

Hey, guys, we're thirsty.
You wanna go get us some brewski?

Brews... Yeah! Yeah,
we'll get you some brews.

What do you say we kill off
some of those excess glial cells?

- OK.
- We'll be back in a flash.

Guys, come on. Beer run.

Don't worry. We'll be gone in no time.

What do you mean?

# (Lamar and Wormser)
4,749,681,999 bottles of beer on the wall

# 4,749,681,999 bottles of beer

# If one of those bottles should happen to fall

# 4,749,681,998 bottles of beer on the wall

(Lewis) OK, you guys, you get the suds.
I gotta go drain the lizard.

Bye.

Get some chips, Poindexter.

Anything you want, Admiral.

I got beer! I got beer! I got...

- Freeze!
- Busted.

Get your hands up!
Turn around! You're under arrest.

- For what?
- Grand theft auto.

A Roger Lattimore reported this vehicle
stolen from the Royal Flamingo.

Oh, no. That's a misunderstanding, Officer.

That car was lent by
the beautiful girls who are our dates.

Beautiful girls? Oh.
Get your hands up! Turn around.

(guard) Let's go, fellas.

- Come on.
- "We're winners" you said.

- "They can see it" you said.
- OK, so I'm stupid.

- You believed me. What does that make you?
- A felon.

Right here.

- No, I'm only 15. I'm just a kid.
- That's not what it says here, Senator.

(inmate) Damn! I gotta get outta here.

I liked her. I actually believed her.

I was thinking "Lewis,
this beautiful girl, she likes you."

You were thinking,
just using the wrong head.

There's something
of greater importance here.

Yeah? Like what?

Like it's gonna be a bit inconvenient
finishing college from jail.

- I studied really hard this year.
- (Poindexter) Know what occurred to me?

The amendment Lewis cosigned could be
used against us to destroy the Tri-Lambs.

Gosh darn it to heck anyway.

Do you mind? I'm cursing.
Hey! Would you back off?

We're just speaking quietly amongst
ourselves and it does not pertain to you.

- What are we gonna tell Dean Ulich?
- Listen, you little geek...

Listen, buttface! I'm in no mood
to deal with an idiot like you!

Now, why don't you just sit down
before you really make me mad?!

Lewis!

Lewis, do you realise you just
said "buttface" to the missing link?

- I did?
- And really loud, too.

(chanting) No more nerds! No more nerds!

No more nerds! No more nerds!

No more nerds!
No more nerds! No more nerds!

Yo, yo, yo, yo.
Yo, I'm looking for my homeboys.

Yeah? Well, it looks like you got us instead.

Hey, Rog. I thought we were gonna
get rid of these nerds.

- Yeah, so did l.
- What did you do with the Tri-Lambdas?

Argh! What did you say, nerd?

Tell me what you did with the Tri-Lambdas
now or you guys are in big trouble.

- (Gundy) Big trouble.
- (Winston) Big trouble.

Fellas, relax. Come here, Stewart.

You're right. I should tell you.

- It's really very sad.
- Sad? What are you talkin' about?

Well, you see, the guys...
the guys are all in jail.

What?

- Yeah, they... they stole my car.
- They stole your car?

- But you wanna know the saddest part?
- Yeah.

They're about to get their whole fraternity
thrown out of the conference.

- What do you mean "thrown out"?
- Ogre, didn't he call you a homo?

Homo?

Whoa!

Hey, Buzzo, we've got a problem here.

Hey, nerd! I thought I'd fired you.

(Ogre laughs) Nerd!

Oh, my God! What happened?

- We're in trouble.
- What's wrong?

They said the Tri-Lambs stole a car
and they were thrown in jail.

But I know my friends wouldn't do that.

- Wait a minute. Who told you this?
- Them.

- Good shot.
- Here's a problem that just won't go away.

Yeah. Just like my crabs.

- Wha...?
- Oh, Jesus.

- Let's go finish these geeks off.
- Guys, it's just a joke.

Guys, I don't have crabs.

Seriously! Guys,
I'll show you if you wanna see.

- So long, suckers.
- You guys are all right?

- Stewart!
- Hey!

How are you? How was doin' hard time?

Hard time! How did you get
the money to bail us out?

Oh, I didn't. She did.

You.

Lewis, I'm sorry. I swear I didn't know.

- (Sunny) Lewis, wait!
- I say we fight back now.

It doesn't matter any more. They'll just find
another way to try to get rid of us.

- They'll send somebody else like her.
- What?

Yeah. You're not worth
the lotion I squirted on you.

- Lewis, I swear to you, I didn't know.
- Oh, I'm so sure.

Just get 'em in the van.

We just don't fit in.

Yo. You sound like I used to sound
before you taught me how to fight for myself.

Well, why don't you just
forget it? Don't you understand?

It doesn't matter that we're good dressers,
or we have good personal hygiene.

No, wait.

Don't you get it, man?
People don't want us around.

No shit, Skolnick.

Surprise!

This way, nerd!

- Come on! Come on, let's go.
- (Wormser) Help!

(Ogre) Come on, we gotta get
outta here! Let's go! Hurry!

- (Ogre) Come on, get him out here.
- (Tiny) Come on.

Ogre, you swine! You might
have brought us out here,

but there is no way you'll make
me stay in that cabin another minute.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

- Ogre. Ogre. In the water.
- Oh, that's right. I forgot.

- You guys are unbelievable.
- We spared you, didn't we?

Aaaargh!

Whoa!

Aargh!

Aaaaaaargh!

- (Ogre) Hope you like living with the fish!
- (Tiny) Have a nice swim!

OK, fellas, let's get outta here.

No, wait a minute. I'm getting
the hell outta here. Excuse me.

Weird chick, man.

- Excuse me.
- What's with you?

(Roger) Hey, Sunny! Have fun with the geeks.

Hey, nerd! We sure are gonna miss you
tomorrow at the convention,

when we get your asses exterminated!

I can't wait to tell everybody
how we outsmarted 'em, we framed 'em,

and we got 'em arrested, for doin' nothin'!

Ogre, listen to me, and try and understand.

If you tell them that, it's gonna give us away.

Let's just keep it our little secret, OK?

Secret, my ass. I can take care of anything.

- Fellas?
- I'll tell the world!

- He's history.
- History? Whoa! No!

Help!

I can't swim! Man overboard! Hey!

Guys! Ogre's drowning!

(Ogre) Come on! Help!

I can't swim! Oh, God! I'm sinking now!

Wow.

- I'm gonna die!
- Ogre. Ogre.

Just relax. Relax.

- Oh!
- Relax.

- I'll pull you.
- You're a strong little guy.

- Ogre, I'll pull you. Just relax.
- Swim faster!

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I thought I was gonna die.
You're a strong swimmer.

Wow.

What? Let me go, you fruit. I carried you
this far. You work your way in on your own.

(Wormser) But I saved your life!

(Tiny) See you at the convention!

- Are you all right, Harold?
- Piece of cake.

Hey, what are you geeks looking at?

Those guys just dropped me off to nerd-sit.

Boy, this is great.

The perfect ending of the Tri-Lambs.

Even on a deserted island
we got somebody callin' us geeks.

Oh, we're gonna do great things
at this convention.

I don't know what the hell
I was thinking. We are geeks.

I mean, look at us. We're not like
anybody else and we never will be.

- Ah, Lewis!
- Lewis!

- So, what do we do now?
- (Poindexter) Maybe we should build a fire.

Split up. Let's find some wood.

Come on, Worm.

Don't even get me started, Wormser.
We're gonna be here till you're old and grey.

Damn Alpha Betas!

Just my freaking luck.

Bush.

We've got bush!

Would you mind if I sit here for a while?
It's getting pretty cold on the beach.

- (Stewart) Sure, come on down.
- (Booger) Have a seat.

Uh...

- (coughs)
- (Ogre grunts)

Why not?

- You want a hit?
- Me?

- Yes, you. Come on.
- Sure.

You don't mind?

(coughs)

So, what you're saying, essentially,
is that along with infinite space,

which extends beyond perpetual bigness,

there's also infinite smallness?

How?

Easy.

Take an asymptotic line
and extend it outward.

Oh. Right, right, right.

So perpetual bigness exists simultaneously
with perpetual smallness.

What was I thinking?

(coughs)

What if c-a-t really spelled "dog"?

- Wow.
- Yeah.

That's heavy, Ogre.

- Dog.
- Wow.

Kind of a bummer, huh?

- Gilbert?
- Hello, Lewis.

- How did you get here?
- Don't ask me. It's your dream.

- I woke up.
- No, you dreamed you woke up.

Ow!

Ow! Well, thanks a lot, Gilbert.
I was dreaming about three naked girls.

I know, Lewis, and I'm a little shocked.

- Come on, Lewis.
- Come on.

Don't even think about it. You're still
dreaming. You're not awake. Look.

(snores)

Wow. Hey, what do you know, Gilbert?

I know you're acting like a complete weenie.
What happened to the old Lewis?

Well, he got dropped on a deserted island
with Ogre, of all people.

Those people think we're a bunch
of nerds and I think they're right.

It doesn't matter what they think, Lewis.
It only matters what you think.

Did you forget everything
we learned at Adams? Come here.

Now, what do we have here?
We have a great group of guys.

But they need someone to make them feel
proud about themselves, not ashamed.

She's not one of the guys, Gilbert.

- She betrayed me.
- (mimics) She betrayed me.

- She did!
- Lewis, use your brain.

She wouldn't be here
if she didn't care about you.

(snoring)

- Hey, will you keep it down?
- (snores)

I don't wanna wake me up. Gilbert's my best
friend and this is an important dream.

You guys know that.

Listen, Lewis. She's a great girl.
You're a great guy.

If she doesn't like you for who you are,
she's not good enough for you.

- I know that. How do you know that?
- I don't know that. You know that.

- I know that.
- I'm not Gilbert, just your image of Gilbert.

Gilbert, stick to the subject. I don't know
how long you're gonna be here for.

I'm sorry. The subject is,
you're acting like a weenie.

- I am.
- But it's not too late.

We've gotta get off this island. Those guys
are gonna vote us out of existence.

- You've gotta get outta here.
- Yeah.

Now, time is running short.

Your course is clear, Lewis. You look great.

I believe in you.

- What happens now, Gilbert?
- Well, now you gotta wake up.

So I gotta go.

It doesn't always work.

(braying laugh)

See ya.

- So long.
- Night, guys.

(snoring)

(Lewis) Gentlemen, awaken!

Let's go! Come on! Up!

Everybody up! Move your butts!

- Sunny. Sunny, I'm sorry.
- What?

Come on, please, Sunny.
I've been ignorant and proud.

- You have.
- Yeah. Well, can you forgive me?

Real ignorant and proud.

I know, but they're gonna vote us
out of existence. We can't let that happen.

The vote is in six hours.
We're stranded here. What do you want?

Whenever you have a small group of people
with an aggregate lQ of over 1,000,

anything's possible.

- (Ogre) Amen.
- Yeah. So, who's with me?

- I am.
- All right!

Enough of the hugging. Let's go kill 'em.

(Wormser) We have
to determine our location.

Well, given our travel time
of 122 minutes and 47 seconds,

and a headwind of 14.7 knots,

if we take the crossvariables,
factor out the constants,

that's two degrees times by two kilometres.
That'd be two plus two. That would be...

Four! Four!

Right. Well, that means
that we are no more than...

44.74 miles from
the southernmost tip of Florida.

Just a little to the left. OK. Stop.

A little to the right. OK.

See, the angle of the sun will pinpoint
our exact latitude and longitude.

OK, stop. Now a little to the left.

Wormser!

22.3.

- Rodriguez lsland.
- Frederico Rodriguez?

What was he?
An old boyfriend or something?

(Sunny) General Rodriguez stole military
supplies from Castro during the Bay of Pigs.

He hid them on his island - this island.

- (nerds) This island?
- Yeah.

- And they never found the stuff?
- No.

- There must be tons of shit around here.
- If your calculations are correct.

(Lewis) Wow, military supplies. Now all we
gotta do is find the stuff. Right, Poindexter?

(Poindexter) OK. Tell me again what you did.

(Stewart) I ionised the coconut milk
and de-ionised the sea water,

using your glasses to distil
the silica from the sand.

And then I reversed the polarity
of the magnetisation.

- It's pretty crude, but it just might work.
- Gee, I hope it works.

(Ogre) You guys built this thing.
Too bad you can't carry it yourselves.

- (Poindexter) Ogre, sh.
- Come on, geek. I'm carrying this thing.

(tapping)

(tapping speeds up)

Loud?

- Spread out! Spread out!
- Let's look for it, guys.

- Hey, you guys! I found a cable!
- So did we.

Uh-oh!

- Hey! Geek! Geek!
- Sh!

(Poindexter screams)

(Ogre groans)

Hey, guys. Bingo!

(Lewis) Hey, Booger.

Booger, come here, man. Check this out.

- What the hell is it?
- I don't know but there is a whole lot of it.

Could be our ticket out.

And now the last order of business
before we close this convention.

As many of you already know,

the Adams College chapter of Lambda
Lambda Lambda disgraced itself yesterday

by being arrested on a charge
of grand theft auto.

Pursuant to the recently adopted
constitutional amendment,

we must now vote on whether to expel
those Lambdas from the conference

and to terminate its national charter.

Before we vote, do the Lambdas have
anything to say in their defence?

Anything at all?

Wait. If I could just interject
for a second here.

I find this really insulting.

I mean, I guess the Lambdas don't feel they
have to explain their actions to their brothers.

(rumbling)

(woman screams)

If we can just have a little order...

then we can get this whole
sad event behind us.

All those in favour of expelling
the Lambdas, please signify by saying...

(rumbling)

What is that?

- Gentlemen!
- It's the nerds! They're back! And they're bad!

- Don't panic, please. We just wanna be heard.
- That's my leg!

Poindexter, stop!

- (Sunny) Wait! Stop!
- Sit down! There's a motion on the floor!

- (Lewis) Poindexter, stop. We're here.
- All right!

I'm trying! I'm trying!

- Oh, my God!
- Watch out!

(Booger) Cut it out, you crazy maniac!

(Poindexter) I can't stop this.

(girl) Oh, wow.

- Nice job, Poindexter.
- Yo.

- Can I borrow your mike?
- Sure, man.

Thanks. Everyone, could I have
your attention, please?

- Take your time. I don't want anybody hurt.
- Sorry, pal.

I would like to speak in our defence.

No remarks. There's a motion
on the floor to have you expelled.

- My statement'll be brief.
- Fellas, get him.

(Lambda) Be cool now.

Hey, we wanna hear
what the brother has to say.

- Sure thing.
- Right, Tiny?

(high-pitched voice) Yeah.

(laughter)

- You're dead, nerd. You're dead meat.
- (Lewis) Hey, Tri-Lambs. Thanks, guys.

Ogre. Where's Ogre?
What did you guys do to Ogre?

(Ogre) Hey!

Hi, Rog.

Ogre. Ogre, baby,
you're beautiful. Are you OK?

- I am fine.
- (Roger) Come here. I got a job for you.

Oh, really? Great.

Come here. Take a look at these guys.

Now, tell me what these guys
have in common.

I don't know, Rog. They're all wearing green.

Come on, Ogre. Take a closer look.

They're ugly. They're wearing
funny clothes. They're different.

I mean, look at this pathetic bunch of losers.
You got an effeminate little pansy.

- Hey!
- You got a four-eyed geek.

You got a nose-pickin' pervert.

And where's the king, the monitor
of this special-ed class?

That's enough. Nobody talks
about my brothers that way.

I wouldn't worry about it considering they're
all about to get expelled for stealing my car.

They didn't steal that car. They were framed.
I was there and he set them up.

OK, OK. Maybe I did. Maybe I did. Now,
what are you gonna do about it, Skolnick?

You gonna make a little speech? It's not
gonna do any good. Wanna know why?

Cos I'm strong, and you're weak.

Cos I'm the type of guy that everyone here
wants to be like, and you are pathetic.

It's the way it is.
It's the way it's always gonna be.

There's nothing you or your pencil-necked
geek friends can do or say about it.

Comprende, dickhead?

You're right, Rog.

There's nothing I can say about it.

But there's something I've gotta do about it.

- (crowd gasps)
- (grunts)

(crowd applauds and cheers)

Lewis, you stud, you!

(chanting) Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

(Roger) Ogre!

- Ogre!
- (grunts)

- Ogre!
- (growls)

(Lewis) Dear brethren,
we are called together today

to initiate the newest member
of the Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity.

Do you, Frederick Aloysius Polowoski,

solemnly swear to stand together with your
fellow brethren with dignity and compassion,

to respect all those who pass
through these doors

and to uphold all the values
that we hold dear to the Tri-Lambs.

I do.

(Lewis) Are we ready with
the ceremonial punch?

- (Lewis) Frederick.
- (Ogre) Ogre, Louie.

- (Lewis and Gilbert) Frederick.
- (Ogre) Oh.

Hup!

O Lambda truest,

I am the newest member of your clan,

and in your...

- (nerds) Hallways.
- hallways,

I swear I'll always be proud of what I am.

And now, our newest Tri-Lamb may drink.

(gulps and slurps)

(Ogre gasps)

(braying laugh)

(# "Back To Paradise" by 38 Special)

(braying laugh)