Return to Return to Nuke 'Em High Aka Vol. 2 (2017) - full transcript

Good morning students.

This is Principle Westly.

Sharpen your number 2
pencils and bang those erasers

it's another glorious day
here at old Tromaville High.

Hall Monitors are out in force so
don't be late for your first... period.

Ah, please.

Please, someone help me please!

Ew, check out that gash!

Mop it up! Mop it up!

Mop it up! Mop it up!

Mop it up! Mop it up!



Mop it up! Mop it up!

Mop it up! Mop it up!

Mop it up! Mop it up!

My Legs! My Legs!

My foot!

Ah, Look what you have done
with your cunt juice. Ahhhhhhhh!

Hey what's going on?

What's going on?

If you don't know you
should have seen vol. 1.

In any case, here is a refresher course.

Your crypt notes.

This is Tromaville High school.

Unfortunately located right next door.

To the horribly contaminated factory and
headquarters of Tromorganic Foods stuff I no.



Okay that's enough.

Look I'm a cameo actor.

I, I can't do all these long roles.

C' mon Lloyd you take over.

Okay Peter Parker,

Last semester we learned that Mr. Herzkauf

the evil greedy CEO of
Tromorganic Foods stuff

conspired with the principal

of Tromaville High school
to sell contam inated

lunches to every school of
New Jersey and the world.

After eating chemically polluted tacos,

the tone deaf nerdy glee club transformed
into a gang of sadistic cretins.

And the side effects of the mutated food
made the sing like beautiful nightingales.

Meanwhile,
rich girl Lauren and Trailer trash

Chrissy fell in love,

and fucked their brains out.

Kevin the wonder duck

feasted on carelessly disposed
up mutating taco garbage.

Which of course led

to duck down throat rape...

and as every science 101 student knows

when lesbians exchange
fluids from the duck rape

it transforms them

into this...

And in Tromaville

this inadvertently started a
gender equally political movement.

A lesbionic dual

beat the crap out of the cretins
who have previously bullied them.

Lives were lost.

Zac the fat slob who
smelled like roast beef

used his outdated blackberry camera

to photograph and
black mail our two lovers.

Mr. Chips everyone's favorite
science Teacher had both eyes

poked out by a mis-directed laser

and mutant cretin vomit

and everyone blamed god.

As you can see vol. 1 one dealt with all

the hot button issues
that are relevant issues

of teenagers today including
what goes inside the mind

and a mutated body of a
hot pubescent adolescent.

This is a story about today's
complicated young teenagers.

And who better to illuminate these themes

than a 70-year-old man?

So let's all return to,

Return to Return to Nuke 'Em High.

A. K.A. volume 2

already in progress.

As I told you before Mr. President

it's not just about the army
of mutant cretin students

raised on tainted tacos.

You'd be happy to know that

business is booming

and by booming, I'm not referring
to some student' s head exploding.

I mean we are gonna have taco Tuesday
not just in every school.

In New Jersey, but in schools
all over this big blue marble.

You are going to be richer
than a Bavarian chocolate

melting on the balls of
Donald Trump.

You Asshole!

Yes, indeed.
When you leave the oval office,

you'll have a mansion that will make camp
David look like, look like camp Auschwitz?

And speaking of gas, our little gas
plan is working great.

You're not just going to be rich,
you are going to be young!

That's right, you are going to be young.

Now Give Daddy his Jesus Juice. Ah!

Let me out!

I gotta get out of here!

This cage is worse
than having to pay my student loan bill!

Ms. Goldberg. Now!

As your Principle,
it is incumbent upon me

to address your recent
rash of delinquent behavior.

Malmener une étudiante en difficulté.

Bullying a special needs girl
is in no way for a young lady to behave

and now poor Mr. Chips
has been blinded by her acidic vomit.

We won't concern ourselves
with such tawdry matters.

But would you like to explain this?

It's a mediocre smart phone,

probably the only thing you can afford
on an American teacher salary.

I know what this is about.

This is about my blog
in the missing students.

I'm on to something aren't I?

Oh, yes and no.

Your Blog is filled with
fabricated and inflammatory lies

of Tromaganic and our government
subsidized lunch program.

Oh sure, there have been a couple of unrelated
instances of spontaneous cranial explosions.

The odd phallic slug
in the septic tank...

But I'll get to the bottom of it.

And I don't need your nose in all up in

how I perform my duty.

To wipe away our students fears

and flush them away forever.

The glee club may have been
inexplicably transformed into

hot topic hipsters

but we all go
through changes in High school.

It's called puberty.

There you have it.

Proof positive that our students
are singing the praises

of our school lunch program.

Meanwhile...

I got a stomach full of tacos

and I gotta take a shit.

What the fuck?

That bitch is ragging hard!

She looks like she is dying.

She's not dying,

she's dilating!

I gotta get a picture of this shit.

Me too.

OH GOD!

OH GOD!

Something tells me this

video has the potential
to go more viral

than Charlie sheen at
the playboy mansion.

How did you?

Your pudgy pal

Zac provided me with that video.

And all his snitching
cost me was a few scraps of roast beef

and a plate of stale donuts.

He didn't even care if
they were gluten free.

Ah! To be fat and worthless.

Should we help her?

You need a license
to be a Doctor.

Well that one wrote itself.

Now that's meta.

That girl.

That pussy.

It's, it's like a clown car!

You know, that's a really good metaphor.

Actually ladies, that's a simile.

You have exactly

24 hours to take down that Blog

or that video of you
and your carpet munching girly whore

it's going to find its way under
the Talking Tromaville Morning TV show.

For the enjoyment
of the homophobic Tromavillians out there.

How's your mornin ' been?

Grab a cup of morning joe

we're about to start the show.

Charla and woody will put a smile
on your grill.

Talking Tromaville!

Today we are going to be exposing
lots of homosexuals in Tromaville.

I love it,

celebrity shaming
my favorite pass time.

Right here in talking Tromaville
ladies and gentlemen.

Talking Tromaville.

It's your choice.

Oh God!

What kind of God?

Zac ratted me out.

That fat smelly roast beef fink.

Hey what can you do?

It's the age of snark.

Every fat sweaty loser
living in his mom's basement

has a blog and an opinion.

Look at Zac.

It's Emmanuel Lewis!

Gimme that fuckin tit you bitch!

Don't Do it.

Don't eat the imbecile cord

its bad luck.

We have to find a
place to take a shower.

To the cafeteria ladies.

To the cafeteria!

I loved you in Webster.

Gimme that tit.

Lauren!

Are you OK?

What the fuck?

On this Episode of...

Talking Tromaville morning show,

Lauren gives birth to a monster baby.

But How?

You didn't even have a mid-wife?

When they raped me with Kevin.

Duck Rape!

I think he impregnated me.

I wanna suck the tit!

I wanna suck the tit!

It must have been a premature
e-quackualtion.

Morning wood?

Thanks for the Heads up.

I'm sorry about that.

Teenagers.

Beastitaly!

Wait what?

Ya right I know. Is it a passing trend
like planking.

Ya or when they were dumping
the cold water

on each other to raise money for baseball.

Kids.

You want a fart? Here's a Fart.

Mr. Herzkauf are you sure
you should be doing this?

The fart Harvester is perfect.

But this fart harvester has not
been approved by the FDA.

There is nothing to worry about

it's the fartain of youth.

Some may call it the fountain
of pee youth.

Get it, pee youth.

Work with me!

Take the fuckin' tube out of my ass!

What about the side effects?

Welcome to parent teacher day

at Tromaville High school.

Remember if your
child has gone missing,

suffered unexplained mutations,

head explosions

or spontaneous human combustion.

Beware we are no longer liable

and even if we were,
do you think we have money?

We are a public school.

Will you hush that thing up?

I don't know how.

I don't know,
eat it or poke it or something.

Are they finally making Gremlins 3?

Is Joe Dante coming back to direct it?

You can tell me!

So many questions!

Zac! Why did you rat me out?!

Listen Chrissy!

The reason I exposed you
as being a Lesbo is simple.

I'm miserable.

I repulse every
piece of trim that comes near me.

What kind of a God combines
this annoying voice?

With this awful body.

And gives it a repugnant
roast beef aroma?!

I'm 15 years old for God sakes.

I look like I'm 45.

I was born with this terrible affliction.

It's called douche-bag-atosis.

Douche-bag-atosis effects
1 in every 7 Troma actors.

All I really want
is to fulfill my 2 life goals.

One, is to run naked

being truly excepted as a fat nudist.

The second is fucking two girls
way out of my league.

Is that too much to ask for?

Tell you what big boy.

The PTA meeting room is empty.

So why don't you take off all
your clothes and um, meet us there.

Oooh. Oh. Ooh, all,

all my clothes?

Close your eyes,
and count to ten.

And if you are a real good dog
we will give you your clothes back.

Just so long as you fuck us,
like we have never been fucked before!

I'm going to cornhole you,
carpet munching bitches

and I'm gonna cum
in you lesbiotic ears.

And that's not all parents!

On purity day

we are going to have Ms. Kathy Lee give herself coming
in to give her special speech on chastity to the girls.

There is just enough time for one
more question. Questions anyone?

Who's ready to fuck?

Oh God I'm sorry.

Let me help you.

That is it!

Out! Out!

To the suspension room with you!

Charla don't you hate that dream when we
show up to school naked for some reason.

I sure do and for some people, that naked
dream becomes and undressed reality.

We will be talking to Zac Baldwin

who had an unfortunate run in
with a full moon.

Charla, woody. I am furious.

Lauren and Chrissy:
You clueless, classless,

clit sniffing, clam lappers.

I will have my revenge! Ha! Ha!

Wonderful. That is one angry lesbian.

And we'll all feel gay
when Johnny comes marching home.

Look at that fat lesbian!

Shut up.

I did what you wanted.

Good work.

But if you want to be a Cretin.

You gotta have the pipes.

So belt something out for us.

Sing! Sing! Sing!

And I didn't realize that what
looked like eyeballs

on my penis,

was actually uh. .An awful STD.

Uh, ha who knew?

Now this scene is
probably the most important in the movie.

Oh, OK now get, get ready to listen
to these, these up coming lines.

These lines right here.

This section really sums up my 40 years
of film making

it's pivotal and you shouldn't even be
listening to this commentary,

or these, these. You are going to
miss the basis of my entire career.

I remember when I was shooting this scene,
I was sky high on cat tranquilizers

and I thought it would be fine to cover,
to cover the scene with only three shots.

As you can tell
I obviously made the right choice.

We can see that

through the international language
of public domain music.

Zac is able to convince the Cretins

that he has the underwear
with all to lead the cretins to victory.

But enough of my yapping.

This scene speaks

or should I say sings for itself.

That was awesome.

You are in fat boy. Yes!

Let's take that school down!

That place is ours!

And I am personally taking
down those two dykes bitches!

But first I'm going to
get a good night sleep!

Attention, Tromorganic Employees

a shipment of plaster filler food stuff
has arrived in docking bay ninety four.

Remember to punch
your time cards.

There will be no...

uh, stick it in the
plasty food stuff.

It's organic isn't?

It will make it taste better?

Look out Mother Fucker!

It's teething.

Isn't the baby going to wake her up?

No. She's an alcoholic.

She slept through 3 gang bangs.

What do we name him?

How bout Terri?

Or Her?

How bout Terri?

Or will?

- It?
- I'm going to go with Terri.

Um,
Listen. I was so freaked out by the baby.

I forgot to tell you
that wesley plans to expel us

on talking Tromaville's
morning TV show.

Talking Tromaville!?

I love that show.

I watch every morning
after Toxic Crusaders.

I want porn.

Uh, listen. I don't think you understand.

Wesley knows about our relationship.

If I don't delete the Blog
by tomorrow,

Wesley is going to put us on Facebook
and tag the entire student body.

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!

We will be stars
in our very own oxball incident.

Last time, I was ducked raped.

What's next? A porcupine in my pussy?

Tit, Tit!

Delete the Blog.

Nobody believes it anyways.

Don't you?

I hate you.

I want to die.

Gimme that tit.

You know I do.

You know I do Oh Chrissy! Oh
fuck me with that huge 15 inch

fuck me like an only
sensitive lesbian lover

with a huge rubber strap on.

Oh my god Chrissy! Thank
god for my kegel exercises.

I didn't think giving
birth to a duck

would be such an aphrodisiac.

Stress relieving!

Do you ever? Miss Eugene?

We should totally bang tonight!

Eugene needs to feel this now.

Ah man!

Ah man!

Ah MAN! You really are a MAN!

Sometimes...

A little.

Meanwhile...

Ha! Ha! You are a bad girl.

Your BAD!

Um. Mmmm. The machine needs greasing.

You ready for this baby?

Ya daddy.

BANANA! Ow!

Do you ever miss Kevin?

Your Duck?

I love Kevin.

No!

Sometimes.

But ducks have been known
to survive well in the wild.

Even ones with mutated
green eyes and sharp teeth.

I hope so.

I was just checking when
Charlie over the news desk

trying to break.

He tells me he's been flooded with calls
all morning.

About some rapid duck

or another that has
been menacing the citizens of Tromaville.

We have Doctor Jack swinney here.

He's good

who is the foremost expert
in animal control

and he is going to break it down for us.

He did the dolphin fucker special.

Doctor.

I am an expert on animals.
I am also an expert on birds.

It's only a matter of time

before a duck
like this storms our street.

Blood thirsty,
ripping apart our women and our children.

Because we have gone from fracking
to quacking my friend.

Dr. swinney can we survive
this scourge?

Can Tromaville possibly defeat this
disgusting, despicable, disasterdly DUCK?!

Or is humanity as we know
done for?

It's the Jews, the Jews.

Mr. Herzkauf,

these records indicate
that this foodstuffs

factory is loaded
with numerous safety violations.

Inspector, I can guarantee
your safety is of

paramount importance.

In fact,
we have four thousand employees here,

and I regard each one
of them as family.

Tell my wife I forgot to
pick up the cottage cheese!

Uh uh, we have three thousand one hundred and
ninety nine employees here at Tromorganic Foodstuffs

and I regard each one
of them as family.

Now let's continue our tour

and I'll take you to our totally
up-to-date bribe department.

Please.

Mr. Chips my favorite science teacher?
What are you doing here?

Oh, Chips and I we've been
fuck buddies for years.

Correct-o-mundo!

Disgusting.

After you were born,

your father warren became obsessed
with the nuclear waste that mutated him.

Wait.

You mean my father is warren

from the first Class of Nuke ' Em High?

Yes. And that's not all.

Hold on to your butts.

Warren became Herzkauf.

Warren Goldberg didn't like his name,

so he changed it to Lee Harvey Herzkauf.

Hey young warren!

See you later guys!

Nd maybe tonight we can
all get together and do homework, huh?

Meanwhile, I'm going up to the science lab
and experimenting on myself.

I'm going to live forever.

Someday, someday I plan to own the biggest
fast food factory in Tromaville.

Or maybe the whole world!

He became consumed
by the power it brought him,

and began to perform
heinous experiments on himself.

We've been tracking his movement for years,

and hiding you from him for your own good.

But warren began mutating at a rapid rate.

The chemicals began to change him.

Corrupt him.

Aged his body
and distorted his features.

Warren started a Kickstarter

and raised enough money
to create a food products company.

One of the largest in the world.

He called this mega conglomerate,
' " Disney. '"

Oh, I mean, ' "Tromorganic Foodstuffs. '"

soon he will raise an army
of mutated cretins,

and cause mass destruction
of biblical proportions.

He discovered a way to transform

by gorging on nuclear waste
and tainted food stuffs.

Ack in the eighties,
no didn't mean no.

Warren got your mother fucked up
on contaminated nuclear marijuana.

And what followed was a tubular night
of 1980s passion.

You know Chrissy,

maybe maybe tonight

I won't use a condom, cause that
way we might have an illegitimate child

who just might turn out to be a lesbian.

Ooo. Tubular.

And she got pregnant with you.

Like so many teenagers of the eighties,

she aborted you in the school bathroom.

Which you survived.

You're such a good swimmer.

You Aunt found you and brought you home.

You grew from a nasty ass slug
into a beautiful blossoming lesbian...

who apparently took 25 years
to get through high school.

Wait. But the tainted food stuffs
and mutations

come from Tromorganic Foodstuffs, I no.
Which is run by...

Lee Harvey Herzkauf.

No. That's impossible.

Search your feelings,
you know it be true.

You mean Lee Harvey Herzkauf
is my father?

I mean warren.

Haven't you noticed that photograph
of your father and you

that's been on the mantel
all these years?

It's looking right at you!

Father?

Would you fuck me?

I'd fuck me.

I'd fuck me hard.

I'd fuck me so hard.

Precious,

where is it?

Where is it?

I've got a yummy snack for you.

Come here you little shit!

Precious!

Why are you doing this?

Isn't it obvious?

Fine...

Recent studies in the scientific community

have proven that the inhalation
of flatulent gas

prevents all sorts of common ailments.

And it smells pretty damn good as a bonus.

Ailments such as, Diarreah,

Diabetes,

Heart Disease,

and Hair loss

can all be prevented
by smelling farts.

But what many people don't know

is that inhaling the farts
of high school students

who have been exposed to
our patented nuclear tacos

has been shown to
reverse the aging process.

For once saying science stinks

is a good thing!

No wait don't light that!

You wouldn't know it to look at me,

but I'm over sixty years old.

Thanks to your gas,

my ass is the ass of a ten year-old boy.

You're mad.

You're mad.

There's no way the government's going
to let you get away with this.

Ha! Who do you think is
paying and subsidizing

for my gas fart-aine
of youth program?

Yes! Thanks to me the
fat-cats in Washington

are going to be turning into
the cool-cats of Hollywood.

You're a monster!

Not yet.

As long as I have a steady supply
of teenage air biscuit,

there is no way
that I will transform

into a poorly constructed non-articulated,

sloppily designed two
thousand dollar monster

that can't even close its mouth.

We interrupt this program

to bring you fast breaking TNN news.

It's official, the united Nations
has declared a worldwide disaster.

The Tromorganics Foodstuffs contagion,

which began several weeks ago

in Tromaville, New Jersey,

has now spread to over 200 countries.

Leaving millions of crazed cretins
in its woeful wake.

With more on this developing
story of the tragic Tromorganic tacos,

we take you to Chet Bodan, reporting
live on location from Ulan Bator, Mongolia.

Chet?

Thanks, Chuck.

Sources have told us that.

Tromorganics Foodstuffs
contagion started months ago

after being shipped out to high schools,
universities,

and homeless shelters all over the world.

The white House, Congress,
and President Lemmy

deny any knowledge or involvement.

Is it true that the contagion

has been seeping into
the Earth's water supply?

That's right, Chuck.

First Flint, Michigan,

then Fukijima, Japan,

now Tromaville, New Jersey,

and the list goes on and on.

We now take you to
our reporters in the field.

Let's have a look at
these disturbing images

from around the world.

TNN has live team coverage.

The world Health Organization
has failed us.

The CDC has failed us.

The UN has let us down.

The government has let us down.

Everybody was warned

but nobody did anything

until it was in their backyard.

Well folks,

now it's here

the proverbial mutated dog

has taken a chemically polluted dump

in your backyard
with no FDA approval.

Where is the FDA?

Where is the FEMA?

Where is Reverand Al Sharpton?

Tacos.

You know Chet,

it really bothers me that people
are melting down all over the world

and humanity end as we know it.

But, there is a truly serious matter

that we haven't even addressed yet,

Kim Kardashian took
three healthy shits today.

That's right, Chuck.

Is it possible

these kids could just be part
of a flash mob

raising awareness for bulimia?

Actually no, the bulimia flash mob

is not scheduled till next Friday

at the Missouri state
university student Center.

We have no official word
as to what's happening.

But in the spirit of cable news

and the quest for ratings,

we will now repeat these images ad nauseam

to increase viewership
through fear mongering.

The Fat Cats at Washington

want to be the Cool Cats of Hollywood.

I'm tellin ya,

it's a conspiracy.

Pourquoi autoriser les tacos
dans les avions?

Why are we letting the tacos
on to the planes?

It's all a conspiracy.

We need to close the borders
immediately.

Some say Tromorganic is responsible.

We need to stop bullying
these corporations.

We all know what this is really about.

It's all about the legalization
of pot.

Gay Marriage.

- And the dirty Jews..

- The dirty Jews.

What kind of God?
What kind of God?

What kind of God?
What kind of God?

Probably one of the Indian ones.

What kind of God allows a monster

like Herzkauf to propagate
and destroy the world?

I hate you. I don't give a fu...

You're right. We must kill God.

Let's just start with Herzkauf.

Oh now what?

I'll get it.

Chrissy Goldberg,
what are the sources of your blog?

Do American lesbians
enjoy German scat porn?

Where do you do your shopping?

Oh my God, shut up!

Seriously,
don't you care about the corruption

of Tromorganics Foodstuffs

or the fact that they are mutating
and poisoning the student body

or they're going to enslave us all?

Is it true you're carpet munchers?

Which one of you is the man?

Look at me.

Everyone knows
the press are a bunch of idiots.

Do lesbians really like
to scissor?

What do we have to be afraid of?

We've been mutated, bullied,

I got duck raped.

Isn't your blog slanderous?

WTF.

Everything on my girlfriend's blog

is true.

Tell them my love.

My little Rachel Maddow.

Tell them everything.

Grab her boob!

Much like reality,
programming has tainted our Televisions.

Hello?

Yes, Mr. President.

What the hell is going on over there?

What do you mean, sir?

Turn on the TV.

Principal westly has been blackmailing
me and my soul kissing life partner.

That Bitch!

We all make choices.

Mr. Herzkauf, how would you respond

to the accusations that Tromorganic Farms
is poisoning children all around the world?

Do you think I could come
up with a plot that stupid?

And I will no longer hide.

Take care of it now!

Oh that bitch, I hope
she stubs her clit!

So...

Now that you know all that,

what's up?

- What does vagina taste like?

- Do you use a strap on?

What's the deal with the
hairy legs and flannel shirts?

Are you afraid of getting
throat cancer

fueled by abundance
accounts of cunnilingus?

You know like Michael Douglas claims?

I don't know.

Lesbo cunt,
you killed two of our Cretin brothers.

And now we're going to kill you
and your little mother fucking duck!

Get her hands!

This ain't no charter school!

We're gonna give you the Lesbo remedy!

So what do we do about Herzkauf?

We have to get the gang together.

Yes, it's up to us to stop Herzkauf.

Yes, let's get Lauren

Lauren?

Help me!

Lauren?

Come on Lauren.

We're late for class!

Lauren?

The backyard!

Lauren?

When Mr. Herzkauf says fart, you fart!

I can't!

I'm a vegan!

What kind of God?

Don't worry about that.

It's just a touch of douchebag-a-tosis.

Douchebag-a-tosis affects one out of
every seven Troma actors.

Now everything is going according to plan.

This worldwide contagion

is creating an army of mutated cretins,

and soon I will be all powerful.

Uh. Boss, we got a problem.

We're out of gas.

What about this gas bag?

This tank is empty.

Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo stick!

Call for my rickshaw,

I need to get to the school
and get some fresh meat.

Yes, sir!

It's happening. It's happening!

Run the red light!

I've got to get to the school!

Hurry up!

Yes, sir!

Tromaville Highschool is the second left.

Westly, I've been paying you
millions of dollars

and when I get to the school,
I want those teenagers lined up!

I need that ass juice!

You hear me!

Gas! I need gas!

Boss, bad news, we're out of gas!

Of course we're out of gas!

What do you think
I'm going to the school for?

I'm about to...
what's happening to me?

We're out of gas. Gas Gas!

Fuel!

Who you calling fool?

If those kids aren't lined up

and farting like crazy,

I'm going to rip your neck out!

I'm going on foot.

Attention students.

I would like any of you who
are suffering bouts of flatulence

to report to my office

for an impromptu support group.

Get the fuck out!

Let's all run into the school.

We all know that's the safest place

during the school shooting.

Lauren?

Zac!

Uh hey! Slater bro...

Yeah, I can barely hear you.

Chrissy, you got to get down here.

The Cretins have your oh-so-hot, luscious,

hard bodied, abs you
could lick whip cream off,

legs that would give
Father Hoolihan a heart attack

girlfriend.

Fuck she's hot!

Yeah,

uh, get Kelly and meet me there asap OK?

Oh my God. Where are the
fucking cops around here?

Let's suit up.

Lock down.

Lock down!

Tromaville High is going on lock down!

Oh my baby!
Please don't hurt him!

Shut up!

Now move!

I'm going

to shoot the fucking baby!

Move!

Grab her by the pussy!

Now you've done it Herzkauf.

You fool.

Your fart huffing fetish
has driven them mad!

I hate these bastard goddamn kids anyway.

Fuck this!

Oh god damnit.

I can't take it.

Why don't you just fuck me in the ass?

Get it over with.

Just do it you bastard!

Suck out my gas!

Suck out my gas!

Suck out my gas!

Hashtag Fail!

Everything OK boss?

Hey, Dale, nice crotch rocket!

Thanks Tristan, did you see
the newest Terrence Malik movie?

Fuck this, I'm going home
to listen to Michael Bolton.

Take that you stupid tire!

You're fired!

No, no, no.

Please don't rape me. Please. Please.
Don't rape me.

Please. Please.

Don't rape me.

Please!

Don't rape me. Please.

Please don't rape me.

Please!

Don't rape me.

Please don't put that big
slimey thing in me.

Slap me on the buttocks

with that big, giant claw of yours!

Please! Please!

Please don't rape me.

Please!

Please!

No!

Please!

Please, don't rape me.

Don't fill my cum bucket

with your shimmering, slimey,
monster goo.

Oh yeah. I'm going to fill your cum bucket

with my shimmering, slimey
monster goo.

No. No!

Travis stop the editing machine now.

Stop!

No!

Stop! I can see where
you're going with this.

You're trying to sneak in
an ejaculation scene into this movie.

Travis, did you do this?

Was this your idea?

No, Mrs. Kaufman!
It was his idea!

That's Mark Torgl.

He played little Melvin
in the original Toxic Avenger.

Look at the irony!

He's jerking off,

he he cums in the eye of my character

who's almost fully fully transformed,

and then I as the monster,
I do the obvious,

I take the broom and or a mop
and I I shove it up his ass

- and it comes out his penis.
- No!

Dumbo the Elephant thinks
he needs the feather

to fly

and you think that you need all this sex,

and all this violence and all these boobies

and all this other stuff
in order to make a good movie.

And you don't need it!

You're making a great movie.

Alright, alright,
alright Blue Apron Housewife.

Instead of the ejaculation scene,

how about we go and film
a wonderful new scene?

While the Cretins
are going crazy in the school,

destroying the school,

a beautiful young student
with nice breasts

goes downstairs with her professor.

Travis get this.

The teacher says,

"I don't care if you got gang
raped by six Cretins

and you got anal warts.

I am your homeroom teacher and I love you!"

They're about to make
hot monkey love.

The young girl is so enamored with
the distinguished older man

that she doesn't even notice that slime

from the monster is dripping on
those luscious, beautiful fun bags.

When the monster,

my character, is fully transformed now
with a tail,

and the tail wraps
around the chicks legs

and then penetrates her vagina.

Right into her cunt.

Stop. No!

No!

No!

There is enough of this!

We don't need more penises.
We don't need vaginas.

E don't need penises and vaginas...

in this movie.

There's enough of the naked girls.

And tails going in.
Just stop it!

Hear me out. Hear me out.

After the scene with the nether regions.

The tail wraps around her head,
and crushes her head.

It's a Troma Head Crushing.

And then, and then at the end of the scene

the teacher says,

"sorry, I'm from Orange County.

I have no morals."

It'll be perfect, right?

No, no.

You're not going to film that scene.

It's got my name on it.

I'm one of the producers.

I don't want this in my movie.

Alright, alright I'm going
to give you what you want.

The Hell with the First Amendment.

We're going to censor it, Travis go ahead.

Then we'll have a nice PG rated movie.

And everyone will be happy
except for Travis and Me.

But can we, can we see the ejaculation
one more time, please?

No. No. Not in my movie.

H oh what kind of God?

Please,

don't put that pulsating monstrosity
in my naughty hole.

Oh My God! Go away!

Tell my story.

Leave out the part
where I shit my pants.

Bastard, you have my nose!

Wait a minute,

now Daddy
has to buy me a new nose.

The oldest hath bore most

we who are young
have never seen so much or lived so long.

Slater!

I knew that guy he
was in our science class.

Lauren!

Come on.

I'm coming!

Let's go gang!

Slipping on blood.

I'm sorry Lauren,

but the only thing worse

than being bullied for being gay

is being bullied for being fat!

Lauren!

Hold it fuckers!

Put it down!

This is for ripping out my nose ring,
bitch!

Well well.

You guys wanted to see me naked, right?

Well here I am.

Let me introduce you guys

to my friend. Prince Albert!

Time to rape the baby!

What the duck?

Fuck you!

Kevin! I'd recognize those beautiful
brown bedroom eyes of yours anywhere.

Here's a nut for you losers!

Move move move move.

Are you okay, buddy?

Did it go off?

Yeah, it went off.

But I'm fine.

It's a miracle!

Oh man. That really hurts.

Chrissy.

Yes.

Your girlfriend is oh-so hot.

Has abs that you could
lick whip cream off.

Legs that would give
Father Hoolihan a heart attack.

You take care of her, okay?

No! No!

No! No!

The baby!

Talking Tromaville!

By the way Chrissy,

when you see a monster
in the later reel of this movie,

that monster's your father!

Lauren!

You know I'm ticklish.

Now is not the time!

Quit it!

Dad, stop no!

It's me
Chrissy, you're daughter.

Stop all this madness.

I know you're in there somewhere.

And I know that you're mad that Mom

left you for another woman.

But you have to accept it!

Mom's gay!

And Dad, I'm gay too.

It's a new age, it's a new dawn,
it's a new day at Tromaville.

Things have changed.

Hell...

it's a new New Jersey.

Please, I love you.

I love you.

Sorry we're late.

Chip shit himself.

Get the laser!

I got it!

- Shoot it!
- Press some buttons!

Shoot it!

This game is the biggest

piece of shit.

What the fuck?

Thank God we crashed in front

of the Michael Jackson
burn center.

And the skin graph work they did,
from your ass on my face?

Phenomenal.

Yeah,
actually it looks a little bit better.

A little more hair on your face,

but other than that you look terrific.

Unfortunately, I lost my penis.

And the good news is
that the left over insurance money

flipped the bill on this
brand new 1977 Thunderbird.

Identical to the last one
that flipped over in the other movie.

So nothing could possibly go wrong
as I drive us all

to tonight's Foghat laser light show.

And nothing is going to stop us
from seeing that laser light show.

Straight ahead.

OK. Here we go.

Ahhhh, the irony!

Oh that is awful weed!

How come snoop Dogg
gets all the good stuff?

Why is that?

Who am I talking to?

I'm the final authority.

What?

You killed God!

I killed God.

You still got to kill Herzkauf.

No!

Can't get a clear shot.

Wait, don't shoot Kevin!

You might only have one shot.

One shot is all I need.

Let's fuck shit up!

Uh... Run!

Wait, the baby! Kevin!

We don't have time,

Go!

Did you see that shit? Aha!

No more.

There will be no more
poisoning of our food.

No more, uh, homophobia.

No more bullying.

No more fucking exams!

And no more core curriculum!

I'm sorry I was such a dick.

I guess I never really knew
what true love was

until somebody whipped out a penis
and waved it in my face.

I just wanted to make sure that
you and me were, you know...

if you ever want to have a freaky ménage,

you got my digits Goldberg.

The machine is back on line!

Hail Satan!

I'm the last remaining survivor
of the missing Tromaville students.

All the others were thrown
into Tromorganic Foodstuffs

in order to meet the
USDA's daily standards.

Had it not been for your explosion, I would've
ended up n some obese American's burrito.

Thank you.

Glad we could help.

Kevin!

You made it!

My Baby.

Our Baby.

Thank you.

Thank you, Kevin.

I love you too you old quack!

Kevin!

Where are you going?

You're part of our family now.

But wait, there's more!

Fuck Tromaville High!

Fuck Tromorganic Foods.
And Fuck Herzkauf!

Let him take the fall!

Ah, mother of fuck!

Well my brigadiers,

what did we learn?

I think we've all learned
some valuable lessons.

We've learned that
love conquers all.

Even if your partner
is impregnated by water fowl.

We learned that
bullying is wrong.

And singing public
domain barber shop songs

while violently killing people...

Hey that's no way of going through life.

After all you might get slaughtered
by a giant mutated duck

named Kevin.

We learned that Return to Nuke'Em High

volumes 1 and 2 add up to 3.

Did it make sense
to split this movie into two volumes?

I don't know.

If you paid for both parts,

hey it sounds like a good idea.

Now, let's review
the important segments of the film.

And most important,

we learned that eating
glowing green tacos

manufactured by a heartless,
greedy corporation

is very unhealthy.

Now please think

before you shove that

fried sodium filled,

heart attack inducing,

fast food down your gullet.

After all,

you are what you eat.

And please,

don't forget to recycle
loose cans and bottles.

Now, if you ' ll excuse me,

I'm late for the Foghat
laser light show.

My dark blue, 1970s car

and friends are waiting for me downstairs.

Oh, and by the way, Excelsior!

God, don't you
hate it when movies wear out their welcome?

Oh yeah, yeah.

It's almost as if a bad news story
is broken up into two parts

and the second half airs
three years later

for no apparent reason.

Speaking of which,

coming up tomorrow, we're going to
take a look at the 42 separate endings

to Peter Jackson's extended
cut of Return of the King!

"Until then,
this is Talkin" Tromaville

saying makalaka hi meka hiney ho.

Meeny meeny teekalee oh farsen.

A wise man,
I think it was Hillary Clinton,

once said that

the mistakes of the past

by those that don't take note of them.

We thought we rid Tromaville

of the corruption
and the corrupted food,

but big business is no monster

that can be defeated
by a couple of hard

bodied lesbians.

I should know,
for I am Chrissy Goldberg,

and this is the result of years
of radiated taco consumption

and a duck rape.

So heed this warning,

for the future will affect us.

Future events
will affect us all in the future.

Isn't that right,
Lauren my love?

Chrissy, Chrissy, I love you!

I love you!

I love you.

But you got to say no to the GMOs

or else you too might find yourself mutated

into a black midget in a remake!

It's not a remake.

It's a reboot.

It's more like a re-imagining.

Why do you always have to hurt my feelings?

I just want to be the big man
for once in my life.

You're always going to be my big man.

I love you.

I love you.

Hey Eugene! What are you doing here?

Actually, I'm here
for Return to Nuke ' Em H igh volume 3.

Oh wow, that's cool!

Presidents don't get angry
they get diplomatic.