Return to Horror Hotel (2019) - full transcript
Return to Horror Hotel is an anthology feature with 4 segments. One is about giant a bedbugs, one is about a magical charm that turns girls beautiful, one is about a WWII sailor who hasn't aged and one is about a terrorizing severed hand.
♪ You're a monster ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Mademoiselle ♪
♪ I don't know what to do ♪
♪ First I'm all in love
then I'm terrified of you ♪
♪ You're like Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde, it's true ♪
♪ Used to Prince Charming but
now you're the boogeyman ♪
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ Got me jumpin' and I'm
screamin' like a scary movie ♪
♪ You're like a thriller in the night ♪
♪ What ya doin' to me ♪
♪ The more I walk away, you
tiptoe a little closer ♪
♪ Ooh you're like a roller coaster ♪
♪ Keep goin' up and down ♪
♪ Creepy ghosts and goblins
lurkin' in the night ♪
♪ That's what you remind me of ♪
♪ Ooh, I love you ♪
♪ But you frighten me when you
turn into the monster you are ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ I can't believe I've fallen
in love with a monster ♪
♪ I'm scared of you ♪
♪ It's only because you're a monster ♪
♪ I don't know how to run
or escape from you, you ♪
♪ Every time you catch me you
chew me up and spit me out ♪
(train whistle blaring)
♪ I'm gonna go find a new boyfriend ♪
♪ Just so that I can parade him around ♪
♪ I'm gonna find a shorter skirt ♪
(crowd chattering)
(men grunting)
♪ Because I'm over you ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm over you ♪
(men grunting)
(crowd chattering)
♪ Yeah I'm over you ♪
♪ Yeah I'm over you ♪
♪ I'm gonna put up all
the pictures of you ♪
(crowd chattering)
- My kind of town.
♪ I'm gonna make sure all
of you're crazy little ♪
(crowd chattering)
- [Woman] Aw, come on.
♪ Are ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ I can't believe I've fallen
in love with a monster ♪
♪ I'm scared of you, it's only because ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ Don't know how to run
or escape from you, you ♪
♪ Every time you catch me you
chew me up and spit me out ♪
♪ Spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Spit, spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Spit me ♪
♪ Darkness comin' soon ♪
♪ He's startin' to grow fangs ♪
♪ He's howlin' at the moon ♪
♪ Gotta get away or my
heart he'll consume ♪
♪ You used to be Prince Charming ♪
♪ But now you're the boogeyman ♪
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ You've got me jumpin'
and I'm screamin' ♪
♪ Like a scary movie ♪
♪ You're like a thriller in the night ♪
♪ Whatcha doin' to me ♪
♪ The more I walk away, you
tiptoe a little closer ♪
♪ Ooh you're like a roller coaster ♪
♪ Keep goin' up and down ♪
♪ Down ♪
♪ Creepy ghosts and goblins ♪
♪ Lurkin' in the night ♪
♪ That's what you remind me of ♪
♪ Ooh I love you ♪
♪ But you frighten me ♪
♪ When you turn into the monster you are ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ I can't believe I've fallen in love ♪
♪ With a monster ♪
♪ I'm scared of you, it's only because ♪
(razor buzzing)
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ Don't know how to run
or escape from you, you ♪
♪ Every time ya catch me you
chew me up and spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Spit, spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Got me runnin' for my life ♪
♪ Got me hidin' in this
haunted house of yours, baby ♪
♪ I'm jealous when I
think that I got away ♪
♪ Ya try to catch me ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ I can't believe I've fallen
in love with a monster ♪
♪ I'm scared of you, it's only because ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ Don't know how to run
or escape from you, you ♪
♪ Every time you catch me, you
chew me up and spit me out ♪
♪ Spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Spit, spit me out ♪
(car rumbling)
- In a way.
- The creepy sorta way.
No, really, Paris.
I gotta find your sister right away.
(knuckles tapping)
- Did you check her room?
- [Man] Which one's her room?
- [Paris] She shares a room with Carolina.
Room 119.
- I got a nice quiet room
with two beds for $18.
- You got anything cheaper?
- I got singles for 12,
but it's only got one bed.
- That'll do.
(soft eerie music)
- You all gonna sleep piled up in one bed?
- Kids like to bunk on
the floor, don't you?
(soft eerie music)
- Ma'am, wouldn't your
kids be more comfortable
in their own bed?
- (chuckles) These kids aren't mine.
They're my brothers.
We're meeting him in Atlanta.
He's been roughnecking out
on an oil rig in the Gulf.
I can't wait to get
these kids off my hands.
- Room 333.
(Ferd snorts)
(Lorelie snores)
(man groans)
(soft ominous music)
(Ferd breathing heavily)
(Ferd gagging)
(Lorelie snoring)
- Until the grass is mowed! (grunts)
(man panting)
(ominous music)
(pills rattling)
- Bed bugs.
- Go inside.
- I'm afraid.
- I'm afraid.
(sighs) Mario, Abby, just
get your whiny butts inside.
(ominous music)
(Ferd grunting)
It's my heart medicine.
A bit of wine a day keeps the doctor away.
It's fortified.
- For and fived?
- Shut up, Abby.
You are so stupid.
I am sick and tired of ridin'
around with you little kids.
Tonight I am gonna ride around
with a couple of grownups.
Those boys and girls across the street
look like they've got the right idea.
(soft ominous music)
Might as well get a little buzz going on,
save some cash at the bar.
Woo!
I'll be entertaining on that bed tonight.
Runts, stay outta my way.
Stinkin' kids, you give
me a total migraine.
- [Woman] No, sir.
- Looks like a fish.
(suspenseful music)
There's no men in here.
This is a dry hole.
- [Woman] (chuckles) Men in here?
- Lights are killin' me!
- [Woman] The paper's not yours, sister.
- Mario.
- The phone.
- Turn off that light.
(suspenseful music)
(knuckles tapping)
- [Man] I'm ready to
be tied up, Betty Lou.
- [Betty Lou] Four Eyes.
You know you're supposed
to tie me up first.
(man laughs)
- [Man] Oh.
♪ Well ya don't have to run, you don't ♪
(knuckles tapping)
- [Ferd] Reba, Gizmo?
- Yeah, Ferd, can we come in?
- I don't know.
What you want?
- You know, bugs.
- I don't know, man, I guess I got some.
- Well, like, can we try a little?
- You've had your free sample.
You know what it does.
- Yeah, but Kado hasn't and
he wants to try a little.
- Somethin' for nothin'
because he's a newb?
This ain't no charity.
You want bugs, you pay for bugs.
(Lorelie snoring)
- Whoa, that's how it's done?
- How many?
- Three.
- Two.
- Gizmo, you printed
the front on both sides.
- Sorry, Ferd.
- One, I guess.
Like, how do we know it's the real thing?
- You smoke it, you get off,
it's the real thing! (snorts)
- [Reba] You put it in a real cigarette.
- Nobody said anything about cigarettes.
I don't smoke.
- Well you don't smoke, you don't get off.
- No, I guess I'll take it.
- It's just ground up bug
powder, it's not illegal.
- How's it work anyway?
- Bed bugs secrete a
venom so they can bite you
while you're asleep, and
that venom is narcotic.
Keeps ya from wakin' up.
When ya smoke it, the venom gets you high.
- Way high.
(group laughs)
- Hey, hey, hey, there's
no smokin' in here.
This is a no smokin' room.
- No smoking?
In here?
(Reba and Gizmo laughing)
- Outside, all of y'all.
Get!
(Gizmo grunts)
Idiots!
(phone rings)
- Yeah?
- [Jake] There are bed bugs in my room.
- [Motel Manager] Not my problem.
- It is your problem.
- Unh-unh.
- Carnivorous cooties are
cutting me up while I sleep.
They're making my sweat bloody.
My sweat is valuable.
People pay me for my sweat.
Women use it as an aphrodisiac.
- I could spot ya some bandages.
- I can't go to competition
with bandages all over me.
Those little vampires are gobbling up
all my growth hormones.
I've spent a fortune on my roids.
- Well, sounds to me like
chicken would have been cheaper.
That's rude.
Ew.
(soft suspenseful music)
(bugs clicking)
(spray can hissing)
(Lorelie grunts)
- [Lorelie] These bugs
are gettin' way bigger.
- I noticed that, too.
Bugs must be on steroids.
- Oh, legs are numb.
- Bed bug venom.
- You workin' on them bugs?
- Duh.
Like, I'm the only one
around here doin' anything.
- I just been so tired lately.
Maybe we should skip to every other night.
- No can do.
Bugs require a fresh supply of blood
during their gestation cycle.
- Too bad that chicken idea didn't work.
- Now who'd have thought some little bugs
could kill a full-grown
chicken in one day!
- Drained it dry.
- And I can't pluck a chicken every day.
That one pecked the jibbers outta me.
- Well I guess we'll have
to sacrifice a little
to get this business rollin'.
- Now I read where some people used a cat.
- There's been no cats around here
since that Korean restaurant opened up.
- Lorelie!
(grunts) We need to shave a cat.
- Well getting pecked
by a chicken is nothing.
You just try shavin' some
old stray cat. (chuckles)
(soft ominous music)
(ominous music)
- There's monsters here.
- I know, they're in the walls.
- I'm afraid.
- I'll build a fort.
They won't bother us there.
(crickets chirping)
(spray can hissing)
- Them people you read
about in that magazine,
how'd they shave their cat?
- Didn't say.
Just said that they shaved the cat.
(box rattles)
And made it a nice bed where it
would sleep and feed the bugs.
Won't even look like a
cat, all shaved like that.
(soft ominous music)
- (groans) I need to go to the bathroom.
- I'll check it out.
It's okay, no monsters.
- [Miemi] Mario, turn
off that dagburn light.
(ominous music)
(woman screams)
- Don't worry, I'll protect you.
- [Abby] Okay.
- These bugs are way
bigger than yesterday.
- They are?
They are, well.
Better profit margin.
- You sure they're bed bugs?
- They're the real deal.
Just means I'm doin' it right.
- Sure are big.
(suspenseful music)
(bugs clicking)
Think I'll go stretch out on the bed.
Just for a little.
- Me, too.
Sleepin' on that couch has me wasted.
(ominous music)
(bugs crunching)
(Ferd grunting)
I felt that one.
(gasps) No, no, no, no, no!
(Ferd groaning)
Lorelie? (cries out)
(Ferd whimpers)
Oh, oh.
No. (grunting)
(soft suspenseful music)
- I'm hungry.
(wrapper crackling)
It's all gone!
- I need to make a run for the door.
- Please, don't go.
- I'm really fast.
Just shine them with this.
They're scared of the light.
(suspenseful music)
Aunt Miemi?
(dramatic music)
Whoa!
(suspenseful music)
Abby, it's time to go.
(soft somber music)
(birds chirping)
(neon sign zapping)
(suspenseful rock music)
- I really can't believe you,
meeting some strange guy at
a fleabag motel like this?
If this guy was any kind of a car dealer,
he'd meet you at his dealership.
- Just drop it, Collette.
This guy's got something I want.
(knuckles tapping)
- Ladies.
Miss Grey?
- I'm Doreen Grey.
- Nice to meet you.
Al Sharko.
- I can see that.
- Okay.
Well let's see what you
pretty ladies got here.
(soft suspenseful music)
- Ew.
This looks like the honeymoon
suite for orangutans.
- [Doreen] That's it?
That's Marilyn Monroe's charm?
- Yep, that's it.
- It's just a rotten old piece of wood.
- Trust me, that's really it.
- What's that supposed to be?
- Well, it's real name is
Marie Antoinette's Guillotine.
- Marionette's Guillotine?
You said you had that charm thingy
that Marilyn Monroe used
to get into Playboy.
- (chuckles) She did use it for that.
- Would somebody please
tell me what's going on?
- Your friend is trading a used car
for something far more
valuable, something that can
take her much further
than that car ever could.
(suspenseful music)
This unique relic is all
that's left of a guillotine
that was used to execute
a beautiful French queen
in the city of Paris a long time ago.
The dark stain on the wood is from where
Marie Antoinette's blood
gushed when the blade
came down and lopped off
her pretty little head.
Since that time a number of
exquisitely beautiful women
have worn this charm to give themselves
an edge over all other women.
- This is what you're
trading your car for?
Some old stick of wood
that's supposed to make you beautiful?
- It really does work.
I know for a fact that
Marilyn Monroe's charm
was used by three Miss Global winners.
- (chuckles) Marie Antoinette's Guillotine
is definitely what you
need if you really do
want to win a beauty pageant, sure.
- I really do want,
but how do we know it's the real thing?
Like, where did you get it?
- A reliable acquaintance
of mine, Mr. Stumpy Nixon,
acquired it from the
Hughes estate collection
shortly before it was up for auction.
- Well we have to test it to make sure
it's the real thing.
- Sure, let's take it for a test drive.
- Not on me, on her.
Put it on Collette.
Putting it on me wouldn't prove anything.
- Sure, whatever you want.
Right on the cut line.
That's where it works the best. (chuckles)
(magical twinkling music)
Whoa.
Looks to me like that is
exactly what you want.
No doubt about it.
(suspenseful music)
- Take it off.
It's mine.
Give it to me right now.
- What's the hurry?
- Take it off this instant.
- Hey.
Hey, cut it out, I'll get it!
I'll get it.
Here.
You've got it now.
- This may seem like a deal
as far as you're concerned,
but I'm not so sure.
Looks to me like I'm gettin'
the short end of the stick.
- What do you mean the
short end of the stick?
You called me wanting
to trade it for the car.
I won fair and square in the SEC Pageant.
- Problem here is that you
misrepresented that car.
You said it was in mint condition.
- I beg your pardon, Mr. Sharko.
That car is in great
condition and you know it.
- Yeah, that car is in great condition.
- (laughs) Well, let's just say
you're gonna need somethin'
more than that old car
to trade for this valuable item.
- How much more do you want?
- How 'bout somethin' a little special?
- Oh, definitely not.
Why do men always have to act like men?
- You just happened to be the
first pageant girl I called.
There's no doubt in my mind that there's
someone else out there that would want
this valuable merchandise more than you.
- Well, wait.
Wait!
Please, let me try it on.
Just let me test drive it.
- Right on the cut line.
(magical twinkling music)
(soft sultry music)
- So, big guy, you were wanting
a little something extra
for this little beaver treat.
- Yeah, that'd be so nice.
- Mm, how would you like a nice kiss?
- Love it.
- No, absolutely not.
- What's the big deal?
- Well, if you're going to do it,
you've got to kiss him
from across the table.
Like, no hugging.
- I see what you mean.
How 'bout it big guy?
You wanna a little kiss
from across the table?
(soft sultry music)
You okay now, big guy?
Here are the keys to the car.
See ya later, alligator.
- See ya later, alligator.
(women laughing)
- I think you coulda told
that guy to take the bus
to Oregon and he would've done it.
- I think you're right.
But, he could snap out
of it around Birmingham
and come back looking for us.
(Collette exhales)
I'm going to report the car stolen anyway.
I can collect the insurance and buy me
a brand new luxury car.
This old scrap of timber
really doesn't look like much.
- I think it's how you position it.
(ominous music)
Here, let me try it on again and show you.
- Excuse me?
I traded my car for this miracle charm.
It stays with me.
- Well, you're gonna have to
come up with a different gown.
It's gonna look terribly out of place
with that little shoulderless
thing you picked out.
I wonder if you always have to wear it
on the cut line for it to work.
- Yeah, I wonder if
everyone who's ever used it
always wore this old
thing around their neck.
- Maybe you can hold it in your hand.
- I'm not going to be able to walk around
with it in my hand through
the whole competition.
- You know, it seems a
shame to only use something
that powerful just to win a pageant.
With your looks you could
probably win the contest anyways.
I'm the one who could use a little help.
Maybe when you're not using
it to win beauty pageants
you could loan it to me once in a while.
- I don't think so.
It's mine and it's only
meant for me and my needs.
- Well you'd still be the owner and all.
- Forget it.
You won't be using it at all, not ever.
- You are such a
self-centered prima donna.
You know that's why everyone hates you.
- I'm beautiful and everyone loves me.
You even love me.
You said so yourself.
- Let me tell you, I've
done nothing but work
and sacrifice to help you.
How can you be so totally ungrateful?
You wouldn't be anything without me.
- I didn't need your help
then, and I don't need it now.
I can do quite well without your help.
- You have always needed my help, Doreen.
- What have you ever done for me
that I couldn't have done on my own?
- I wax all that monkey hair off your back
and thighs every week.
If it weren't for me you'd be nothing
but a curly-haired
chimpanzee in a swimsuit.
- You cheap slut.
You swore you'd keep my little
hair problem buried forever.
- Looks like you're gonna need my help
to keep this little secret
buried, too, Miss Monkey Girl.
That little termite trap is stolen,
and I'm sure the real owners
would love to get it back.
- If you tell anyone, you'll be
in just as much trouble as me.
- I don't think so.
I'm not gonna be reporting my car stolen
to collect the insurance money.
- I haven't done that yet.
I guess I could let you use the necklace
every once in a while when I
don't need it for something.
Would ya like to try it on again?
Like right now?
- Right now?
Sure.
- Here, let me hook it on.
(suspenseful music)
(Collette grunting)
(glass breaking)
(Collette gasping)
(somber piano music)
(neon sign zapping)
♪ If I, if I, if I, if
I, if I had a penny for ♪
♪ Every time you told the truth,
oh boy I'd still be broke ♪
♪ I'd still be broke ♪
♪ I'd still be broke ♪
♪ And if you said you loved me more ♪
♪ Than your Mustang '64 it'd be a joke ♪
♪ Boy you're a joke ♪
♪ Boy you're a joke ♪
♪ When we first me you were so
sweet made me feel so special ♪
♪ Made me feel so comfortable ♪
♪ Made it easy to let go ♪
♪ Let's talk about the next day ♪
♪ When you forgot to text me ♪
♪ You little trick, I knew
I shoulda never loved you ♪
♪ No oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh I should've known about you ♪
♪ You little trick, I knew
I shoulda never loved you ♪
♪ No oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh I shoulda known about you ♪
♪ You little trick, I knew
I shoulda never loved you ♪
♪ La la la ♪
- Hey, Jonnie Rhey.
Can you make an easy
delivery on your way home?
- I guess, Mr. Cassady.
- It's just Cassady, no mister.
♪ Never loved you ♪
♪ If I had a penny ♪
- It's just this.
Make you earn your delivery charge.
♪ Then I'd be rich like a millionaire ♪
- I mean, as long as it's
not too far out of the way.
You know I live out past the Big Chicken.
- This guy lives in a
motor court off Highway 41.
- Why doesn't this guy just
come pick it up himself?
- He's a hermit.
He's been shut up in his room for years.
No one's ever seen him.
- No one?
- Four, five years ago he called
asking for the very same book.
I took it over there.
He paid cash, good tip.
Told me to leave it outside the door.
- I'll betcha I can get a look at him.
- Tell ya what, you get a look at him,
I'll double the delivery charge,
you keep the tip either way.
♪ About you ♪
♪ You little trick, I knew I shoulda ♪
- Hey, can I borrow those old
crutches in the store room?
♪ La la la la la la ♪
- Take 'em.
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ I shoulda never loved you ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ I shoulda never loved
you, never loved you ♪
(lips smacking a kiss)
(knuckles tapping)
- Book House delivery.
Whoa!
(head cracking)
(soft gentle music)
My crutch broke.
- I see.
You poor thing.
You've cut yourself.
Oh yeah, I guess I'm bleeding.
(Jonnie Rhey hisses)
- Mm, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- It's really just a little cut.
- I'm Jonnie, Jonnie Rhey.
- I'm David Jonas.
But everybody just calls me Davie.
(soft romantic music)
Excuse me.
- Well then excuse me, too.
- So, is your foot okay?
- It's fine.
- What's wrong with this foot anyways?
- Nothing really.
- Why the crutches?
- It was just an act to
get you to open the door.
- Your little act didn't work out so well.
You coulda hurt yourself
pulling a stunt like that.
- I really did hurt myself.
- I hope it was worth it.
- Got me in to see you.
- Well yeah, and now you got a nasty cut,
you might even get a black eye.
You did all this just to see me.
- Yeah, and to get a tip.
- A tip?
A tip, is that really all you care about?
- Well I had to try something.
My boss said you don't
open the door for anyone.
- That's true.
I've stayed in here ever
since I retired from the Navy.
(somber music)
(ominous music)
- What'd you do in the Navy?
- Submarine navigator.
- I love submarines, they're so cool.
(somber music)
- My boat sank.
- Your submarine sank?
And you survived?
- Half the crew survived.
Submarines have at least
two complete crews.
While one crew is at sea on patrol,
the second crew is topside.
I was in this room when the boat sank.
I didn't find out until I
showed up for duty at the base.
(ominous music)
- It musta hit you pretty
hard, losing all your friends.
(somber music)
- Yeah.
After that I came here.
I retired.
Didn't wanna be put with another crew.
- When did this happen?
- I'm not really sure.
It seems like yesterday.
I guess I don't keep up with the days.
Now I just stay on my regular shift.
- Your regular shift?
- On the boat, we use an 18-hour day.
Each shift is six hours,
six hours on, six hours off,
six hours in the rack.
- Well what about the
other six hours in the day?
- The Navy discovered
that we don't need them.
Submariners work better
without all those extra hours.
- It sounds weird.
- It's actually not as weird as it sounds.
In fact, it actually works pretty good.
Between patrols I always
come back to this room
and continue on 18-hour days.
- So does that nutty clock
always run that fast?
- No.
I thought the thing was
broken and stopped running.
- Well, it's really goin' now.
- [Davey] Yeah.
- It just seems so claustrophobic
being cooped up here all the time.
(ominous music)
- Well I like bein' cooped up.
Time stops when I'm all cooped up.
We pull into port.
The hatch opens up and
it's always the big jolt.
- What jolt?
- I hated getting back and finding out
about all the things that
happened in the world
while we were down.
Married men getting off the boat
expecting to see their wives
and discovering they're now divorced.
- Did that every happen to you?
- My fiancee died while we were on patrol.
When we tied up she had
been buried for 63 days.
- Davie, I'm so sorry.
- It was so strange.
As far as I was concerned
she had just died.
Everybody topside already got over it
and moved on with their lives.
That's when I started staying in here.
In the sub I don't think
about things on the surface.
- You don't get any news
while you're underwater?
- Nope.
The only messages the boat receives are if
we need to nuke somebody
or destroy the world.
The caption and XO are the only
ones who read the messages.
- Total isolation.
(Davie grunts)
- I was just readin' my book.
I don't wanna know what's
happening in the world.
As long as I'm in the submarine,
the world doesn't change.
- I guess not.
Nobody in it but you.
(ominous music)
You're a coward, ya know.
You're really just afraid
of falling in love and being loved.
- I guess I was afraid of falling in love.
But now, I think I wouldn't mind.
- Oh no you don't, Mr. Jonas.
We're not falling in love.
I mean, how can you even
expect me to be in love
with a hermit who never
leaves his little motel room?
- I can change by simply
walking out that door.
- Haven't you noticed
what's happening to you?
What's happening to this room?
(mirror cracking)
- I do seem to have gotten grayer.
- You stopped time somehow.
- Time doesn't move.
Time doesn't move.
- Well, it's moving now.
I mean, it might not be that easy
to just walk out that door.
- You could stay here with me.
- [Jonnie Rhey] This
room is falling apart.
- We can easily build you an extra bunk
and you don't look like
you eat all that much.
- It wouldn't work.
I mean, I can't live like a hermit
reading the same book every single day,
and besides, I eat more than you think I--
- Jonnie!
I can change.
(metal clattering)
I need to leave this room.
(suspenseful music)
Looks like time's already
catching up to me.
- I don't know about this.
(glass breaking)
- Everyone lives on borrowed time.
(glass breaking)
(Davie grunts)
(Davie groans)
(church bell rings)
- Wait, close the door
before it's too late.
(Davie groaning)
Davie.
(somber music)
(Davie panting)
- There's no time for love. (gasping)
(ominous music)
- Hold that.
(trunk thuds)
- Ow!
When are you gonna get the
trunk lid fixed on our car?
- I may never get it fixed.
And it's not our car, it's my car,
and I may just buy a whole
new ride after this deal.
Recycle the old lead
sled back into the system
from whence it came.
- Ya know, you could
always just let me have it.
Like to sweeten up my end
of the deal a little bit.
- You got to learn to
live within your means, T.
That old rust bucket still
gets by under its own power,
which makes it worth at
least a hundred bucks.
I ain't just gonna give it away.
- Oh, well remember you
promised me 100 bucks
(hand smacks)
to watch your back.
- Yeah, I won't forget.
I don't miss any details.
- Yeah, you'll forget if it suits you.
- I won't forget your $100.
- Ridin' shotgun for you
isn't the safest activity I can think of.
- Look, T, I've already
done all the dirty work.
I located the goods and done
the breaking and entering.
I acquired the merchandise
and made the getaway.
All you gotta do is be
around during the transaction
so the buyer doesn't get any funny ideas.
(tongue clicks)
(ominous music)
- Oh, so that's the
merchandise, an old box.
- It's not the box, you welter brain,
it's what's in the box.
- What's in the box?
- Houdini's hand.
- Say what?
- Houdini's hand.
- Oh!
- It's Houdini's old mummified hand.
- You mean, like, there's a
real dead guy's hand in there?
Like, from that old dead magician?
- Yeah, somebody cut it
off his body after he died.
- Well, so what?
I mean, who would even want
some old dead thing like that?
- Lots of people.
- Oh, lots, and what
would they do with it?
- It's got uses.
- Huh, what kind of uses?
Like, what uses?
It's dead!
- I tell you I stole
it off of Stumpy Nixon?
- You mean the one-armed
burglar down in Atlanta?
You stole that dead
hand from Stumpy Nixon?
- Yep, sure did.
See, he left it in his flat when he went
to go visit his girlfriend?
When I go pay him a visit,
I realize he's left his door unlocked.
So I just pop in and lift it.
(chuckles) He even left the bag
for me to carry it off with.
- You stole that hand off
of a one-armed burglar.
- Yeah, I guess it left him a
little shorthanded. (laughs)
(Tyrone laughing)
- What was Stumpy Nixon
usin' that dead hand for?
- Well I heard he was
usin' it to unlock doors
and safes and stuff.
I'm tellin' you, this thing is
valuable to the right people.
- How does he do it?
You know, like, how does Stumpy Nixon
use an old dead hand to
open doors and safes?
- Man, I don't know, he just does.
He inherited it from some other old dude
that was usin' it for the same thing.
Somehow they use it.
- Have you seen it?
- What, the hand?
- Yes, the hand.
Have you seen the hand?
- No, I haven't seen it.
It's in a Chinese trickster box.
You gotta slide a panel
this way and that way.
It's like a puzzle.
- Nah, nah, nah, nah.
It's an ancient combination lock.
I used to try to figure these things out.
- Yeah. (chuckles)
I'm gonna call my fence, Al Sharko.
Man, this thing is worth 10K easy.
- Yeah, yeah.
(phone rattling)
(Tyrone's stomach bubbling)
(Tyrone grunting)
(phone ringing)
- Sharko's Body Shop.
- [Rufus] Hey, Al, it's Rufus.
How's it goin'?
- What do you want, Rufus?
I'm here with my mother.
- (chuckles) Tell your mom I said hi.
- My mother despises vermin like you.
What do you want?
- Man, your mama's smart.
Listen, I got somethin' you want.
- I doubt it.
- Really, Al.
I managed to get my hands
on something quite valuable.
- Ya gonna tell me what it
is before I die of old age?
- Check this out.
I have, in my possession, Houdini's hand.
- Are you talkin' about
that thing that Stumpy Nixon
uses to open safes and stuff?
- Yeah, picked it up
right out of his flat.
Check this out.
Stumpy Nixon left his door unlocked.
- Stumpy Nixon always
leaves his door unlocked.
It'd be a waste of time to lock his doors
with that hand thing in there.
That's what I'm tryin' to tell you, Al.
This thing opens stuff.
I figured you might know
someone who wants it.
- Stumpy Nixon might want
it, and you'll be lucky
if he takes it back
without a lotta trouble.
- Man, I ain't afraid of
that one-armed safe cracker.
- Well, you better be plenty worried.
Nobody messes with Stumpy Nixon.
Even the cops leave that guy alone.
Couple years ago a
detective got on his trail.
He woke up one morning
with his nose lopped off.
Only a complete imbecile like you
would steal Stumpy Nixon's hand.
(toilet flushing)
- [Rufus] Yo, T, how'd you open the box?
- You know that bathroom
doesn't have any toilet paper?
Left me stranded, high and dry.
- [Rufus] The box, T, how'd you open it?
- Didn't touch it.
I was in the bathroom while
you were talkin' to Al.
What's that stuff in the box?
Doesn't look like a hand to me.
- Looks like rock salt.
Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
It's rock salt.
They put it in there to preserve the hand.
(tongue smacking)
- Yep, that's rock salt.
- Man, get that trash can
so we can put this in there.
- No hand.
There isn't anything in
that box but rock salt.
(phone ringing)
- Change your mind?
- [Stumpy] You've got my hand.
(dramatic music)
- Well, did Al Sharko call you?
- [Stumpy] No, Al Sharko didn't call me.
You were tryin' to sell
it to Al, weren't you?
- [Rufus] Well--
- [Stumpy] You thought you
could just steal my hand
and sell it, didn't you?
- Well, to be perfectly
honest with you, Stumpy--
- [Stumpy] That's Mr. Nixon to you.
(suspenseful music)
You've never been perfectly
honest with anyone
in your whole miserable life.
You've got my hand, and I
want it back with interest.
- Okay, Mr. Nixon, I have
what you're lookin' for.
What's it worth to you?
- [Stumpy] What's it
worth to me? (laughing)
To be perfectly honest with you (laughs)
I'll tell you what it's worth to you.
The way I see it, you took my hand.
I want my hand back and
now I want one of yours.
- What?
(Stumpy laughing)
My hand?
You're crazy.
- [Stumpy] You guys better
seriously consider my offer.
And remember, I want my hand back
and I want one of yours in interest.
And listen, Rufus, I'm on
my way over there to get it.
(dramatic music)
- Who was that?
Was that Stumpy Nixon?
What'd he want?
- My hand.
Says he wants my hand in
interest for takin' his.
- How does he expect you to do that?
Saw off your own hand?
- I guess so.
(crowd shouting)
- [Woman] Burn the witch!
Burn her, burn the witch!
(crowd shouting)
Burn her, burn her, burn.
(ominous music)
- You think the hand did that?
- [Rufus] I don't know.
- You know it's out that box,
and it's in this room somewhere.
- [Rufus] I don't know, T.
I don't think it can think it
can do somethin' like that.
- It's in here.
It just turned on that
TV, it's in here ya know.
- Come over here and help me move this out
so we can look behind it.
- Nah, nah, I'm good.
- Don't be a wuss, get over here, come on.
Ready, on three.
- Uh-huh.
- One, two, three.
Don't pick up your end or anything.
- Nothin' back there but old
dust bunnies the size of cats.
(phone ringing)
- [Stumpy] Tyrone Thaddeus.
(dramatic music)
So you're watchin' Rufus's back
for a measly hundred bucks?
- Yeah, how'd you know that?
- [Stumpy] I know a lot, Tyrone.
I know that after Rufus
gets through settling up
with me, he's not gonna have
your measly hundred bucks.
Rufus is the one who's gonna
come up shorthanded. (laughing)
(ominous music)
(door rattling)
(Tyrone grunting)
- Hey, Rufus, the hand just locked us in.
- Man, get out the way.
Move, get out the way.
How'd it do that?
- The window.
The window's all boarded up.
How are we gonna get out now?
- We got a bag full of tools.
In case you forget, remember we break
into places for a living?
- Oh yeah.
We can get outta here.
- Yeah.
- All right?
Let's go.
Hey, Rufus, where's your crowbar?
- I lost it.
It fell off the roof at the Piggly Wiggly
back in the green room.
- And you never got another one?
- Never needed another one.
- 'Til now.
- Yeah, 'til now.
- [Stumpy] Hey!
Hey!
I know you hear me.
When you shysters gon'
stop messin' around?
You need to get that hand ready for me
because I'm on my way
over there to get it.
- Okay.
- Hey, Rufus.
What you gon' do with that saw?
Hope you're not thinkin'
what I think you're thinkin'.
- No, I'm not thinkin' what
you think I'm thinkin'.
I know one thing, we
need to figure out a way
to get outta this room before--
(phone receiver clatters)
- The hand.
It's hangin' around this table.
- [Stumpy] Tyrone.
Tyrone.
Tyrone.
I know you hear me, boy.
Is that you, boy?
- Yes, this is I.
- [Stumpy] I've got
some good news, Tyrone,
and I got some bad news.
(suspenseful music)
(Stumpy laughs)
The good news is I don't have my heart
set on takin' Rufus's hand.
- That is some good news.
- [Stumpy] Yep, and the
bad news is your hand
will also be satisfactory. (laughs)
- Oh, whoa, oh, oh, why my hand?
- [Stumpy] Well any hand will do
as long as you crooks come up with a hand.
You're just fortunate I don't want
your arm or your leg. (laughs)
- We've gotta get outta here.
Looks like they screwed these boards on.
They're not pryin' off.
Oh, oh.
(electricity zapping)
Oh, Rufus.
(Rufus coughing)
Ah, come here.
(Rufus coughing)
Rufus.
You nearly died.
You peed your pants and you nearly died.
- [Rufus] It's that hand.
It's tryin' to kill us.
- Yeah it is, it is!
It's way back in its box.
- [Rufus] Get it, go, get it.
Close the lid.
- Move out the way.
- Get it down.
- Ah!
- Get somethin' out of this bag.
Anything!
(phone ringing)
What can we use?
(Rufus and Tyrone gasping)
(Rufus and Tyrone scream)
(phone ringing)
I can't find anything.
(Rufus and Tyrone scream)
(Tyrone and Rufus whimper)
We need a hand for when Stumpy gets here.
- Yeah, we do.
(door creaks)
- I see you had a little
run in with my hand.
- Uh-huh.
- Tell me, Tyrone, what did
you learn from all of this?
(suspenseful music)
- Don't mess around with Stumpy Nixon.
- Let me give you a little
bit of advice, Tyrone.
Hangin' out with big dummies
like Rufus right there,
you're gon' end up just like Rufus.
- Hey, 'ey, Mr. Nixon.
What you want me to do with this?
- Ah yes, the interest on my property.
I don't think I'll be takin' that today.
It's not my color, plus
it smells bad. (laughs)
Ho!
Stumpy Nixon, you better tell somebody.
(suspenseful music)
(Tyrone laughing)
- Woo! (laughs)
Oh. (laughs)
Oh.
(suspenseful music)
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Mademoiselle ♪
♪ I don't know what to do ♪
♪ First I'm all in love
then I'm terrified of you ♪
♪ You're like Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde, it's true ♪
♪ Used to Prince Charming but
now you're the boogeyman ♪
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ Got me jumpin' and I'm
screamin' like a scary movie ♪
♪ You're like a thriller in the night ♪
♪ What ya doin' to me ♪
♪ The more I walk away, you
tiptoe a little closer ♪
♪ Ooh you're like a roller coaster ♪
♪ Keep goin' up and down ♪
♪ Creepy ghosts and goblins
lurkin' in the night ♪
♪ That's what you remind me of ♪
♪ Ooh, I love you ♪
♪ But you frighten me when you
turn into the monster you are ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ I can't believe I've fallen
in love with a monster ♪
♪ I'm scared of you ♪
♪ It's only because you're a monster ♪
♪ I don't know how to run
or escape from you, you ♪
♪ Every time you catch me you
chew me up and spit me out ♪
(train whistle blaring)
♪ I'm gonna go find a new boyfriend ♪
♪ Just so that I can parade him around ♪
♪ I'm gonna find a shorter skirt ♪
(crowd chattering)
(men grunting)
♪ Because I'm over you ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm over you ♪
(men grunting)
(crowd chattering)
♪ Yeah I'm over you ♪
♪ Yeah I'm over you ♪
♪ I'm gonna put up all
the pictures of you ♪
(crowd chattering)
- My kind of town.
♪ I'm gonna make sure all
of you're crazy little ♪
(crowd chattering)
- [Woman] Aw, come on.
♪ Are ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ I can't believe I've fallen
in love with a monster ♪
♪ I'm scared of you, it's only because ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ Don't know how to run
or escape from you, you ♪
♪ Every time you catch me you
chew me up and spit me out ♪
♪ Spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Spit, spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Spit me ♪
♪ Darkness comin' soon ♪
♪ He's startin' to grow fangs ♪
♪ He's howlin' at the moon ♪
♪ Gotta get away or my
heart he'll consume ♪
♪ You used to be Prince Charming ♪
♪ But now you're the boogeyman ♪
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ You've got me jumpin'
and I'm screamin' ♪
♪ Like a scary movie ♪
♪ You're like a thriller in the night ♪
♪ Whatcha doin' to me ♪
♪ The more I walk away, you
tiptoe a little closer ♪
♪ Ooh you're like a roller coaster ♪
♪ Keep goin' up and down ♪
♪ Down ♪
♪ Creepy ghosts and goblins ♪
♪ Lurkin' in the night ♪
♪ That's what you remind me of ♪
♪ Ooh I love you ♪
♪ But you frighten me ♪
♪ When you turn into the monster you are ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ I can't believe I've fallen in love ♪
♪ With a monster ♪
♪ I'm scared of you, it's only because ♪
(razor buzzing)
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ Don't know how to run
or escape from you, you ♪
♪ Every time ya catch me you
chew me up and spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Spit, spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Got me runnin' for my life ♪
♪ Got me hidin' in this
haunted house of yours, baby ♪
♪ I'm jealous when I
think that I got away ♪
♪ Ya try to catch me ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ I can't believe I've fallen
in love with a monster ♪
♪ I'm scared of you, it's only because ♪
♪ You're a monster ♪
♪ Don't know how to run
or escape from you, you ♪
♪ Every time you catch me, you
chew me up and spit me out ♪
♪ Spit me out ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Spit, spit me out ♪
(car rumbling)
- In a way.
- The creepy sorta way.
No, really, Paris.
I gotta find your sister right away.
(knuckles tapping)
- Did you check her room?
- [Man] Which one's her room?
- [Paris] She shares a room with Carolina.
Room 119.
- I got a nice quiet room
with two beds for $18.
- You got anything cheaper?
- I got singles for 12,
but it's only got one bed.
- That'll do.
(soft eerie music)
- You all gonna sleep piled up in one bed?
- Kids like to bunk on
the floor, don't you?
(soft eerie music)
- Ma'am, wouldn't your
kids be more comfortable
in their own bed?
- (chuckles) These kids aren't mine.
They're my brothers.
We're meeting him in Atlanta.
He's been roughnecking out
on an oil rig in the Gulf.
I can't wait to get
these kids off my hands.
- Room 333.
(Ferd snorts)
(Lorelie snores)
(man groans)
(soft ominous music)
(Ferd breathing heavily)
(Ferd gagging)
(Lorelie snoring)
- Until the grass is mowed! (grunts)
(man panting)
(ominous music)
(pills rattling)
- Bed bugs.
- Go inside.
- I'm afraid.
- I'm afraid.
(sighs) Mario, Abby, just
get your whiny butts inside.
(ominous music)
(Ferd grunting)
It's my heart medicine.
A bit of wine a day keeps the doctor away.
It's fortified.
- For and fived?
- Shut up, Abby.
You are so stupid.
I am sick and tired of ridin'
around with you little kids.
Tonight I am gonna ride around
with a couple of grownups.
Those boys and girls across the street
look like they've got the right idea.
(soft ominous music)
Might as well get a little buzz going on,
save some cash at the bar.
Woo!
I'll be entertaining on that bed tonight.
Runts, stay outta my way.
Stinkin' kids, you give
me a total migraine.
- [Woman] No, sir.
- Looks like a fish.
(suspenseful music)
There's no men in here.
This is a dry hole.
- [Woman] (chuckles) Men in here?
- Lights are killin' me!
- [Woman] The paper's not yours, sister.
- Mario.
- The phone.
- Turn off that light.
(suspenseful music)
(knuckles tapping)
- [Man] I'm ready to
be tied up, Betty Lou.
- [Betty Lou] Four Eyes.
You know you're supposed
to tie me up first.
(man laughs)
- [Man] Oh.
♪ Well ya don't have to run, you don't ♪
(knuckles tapping)
- [Ferd] Reba, Gizmo?
- Yeah, Ferd, can we come in?
- I don't know.
What you want?
- You know, bugs.
- I don't know, man, I guess I got some.
- Well, like, can we try a little?
- You've had your free sample.
You know what it does.
- Yeah, but Kado hasn't and
he wants to try a little.
- Somethin' for nothin'
because he's a newb?
This ain't no charity.
You want bugs, you pay for bugs.
(Lorelie snoring)
- Whoa, that's how it's done?
- How many?
- Three.
- Two.
- Gizmo, you printed
the front on both sides.
- Sorry, Ferd.
- One, I guess.
Like, how do we know it's the real thing?
- You smoke it, you get off,
it's the real thing! (snorts)
- [Reba] You put it in a real cigarette.
- Nobody said anything about cigarettes.
I don't smoke.
- Well you don't smoke, you don't get off.
- No, I guess I'll take it.
- It's just ground up bug
powder, it's not illegal.
- How's it work anyway?
- Bed bugs secrete a
venom so they can bite you
while you're asleep, and
that venom is narcotic.
Keeps ya from wakin' up.
When ya smoke it, the venom gets you high.
- Way high.
(group laughs)
- Hey, hey, hey, there's
no smokin' in here.
This is a no smokin' room.
- No smoking?
In here?
(Reba and Gizmo laughing)
- Outside, all of y'all.
Get!
(Gizmo grunts)
Idiots!
(phone rings)
- Yeah?
- [Jake] There are bed bugs in my room.
- [Motel Manager] Not my problem.
- It is your problem.
- Unh-unh.
- Carnivorous cooties are
cutting me up while I sleep.
They're making my sweat bloody.
My sweat is valuable.
People pay me for my sweat.
Women use it as an aphrodisiac.
- I could spot ya some bandages.
- I can't go to competition
with bandages all over me.
Those little vampires are gobbling up
all my growth hormones.
I've spent a fortune on my roids.
- Well, sounds to me like
chicken would have been cheaper.
That's rude.
Ew.
(soft suspenseful music)
(bugs clicking)
(spray can hissing)
(Lorelie grunts)
- [Lorelie] These bugs
are gettin' way bigger.
- I noticed that, too.
Bugs must be on steroids.
- Oh, legs are numb.
- Bed bug venom.
- You workin' on them bugs?
- Duh.
Like, I'm the only one
around here doin' anything.
- I just been so tired lately.
Maybe we should skip to every other night.
- No can do.
Bugs require a fresh supply of blood
during their gestation cycle.
- Too bad that chicken idea didn't work.
- Now who'd have thought some little bugs
could kill a full-grown
chicken in one day!
- Drained it dry.
- And I can't pluck a chicken every day.
That one pecked the jibbers outta me.
- Well I guess we'll have
to sacrifice a little
to get this business rollin'.
- Now I read where some people used a cat.
- There's been no cats around here
since that Korean restaurant opened up.
- Lorelie!
(grunts) We need to shave a cat.
- Well getting pecked
by a chicken is nothing.
You just try shavin' some
old stray cat. (chuckles)
(soft ominous music)
(ominous music)
- There's monsters here.
- I know, they're in the walls.
- I'm afraid.
- I'll build a fort.
They won't bother us there.
(crickets chirping)
(spray can hissing)
- Them people you read
about in that magazine,
how'd they shave their cat?
- Didn't say.
Just said that they shaved the cat.
(box rattles)
And made it a nice bed where it
would sleep and feed the bugs.
Won't even look like a
cat, all shaved like that.
(soft ominous music)
- (groans) I need to go to the bathroom.
- I'll check it out.
It's okay, no monsters.
- [Miemi] Mario, turn
off that dagburn light.
(ominous music)
(woman screams)
- Don't worry, I'll protect you.
- [Abby] Okay.
- These bugs are way
bigger than yesterday.
- They are?
They are, well.
Better profit margin.
- You sure they're bed bugs?
- They're the real deal.
Just means I'm doin' it right.
- Sure are big.
(suspenseful music)
(bugs clicking)
Think I'll go stretch out on the bed.
Just for a little.
- Me, too.
Sleepin' on that couch has me wasted.
(ominous music)
(bugs crunching)
(Ferd grunting)
I felt that one.
(gasps) No, no, no, no, no!
(Ferd groaning)
Lorelie? (cries out)
(Ferd whimpers)
Oh, oh.
No. (grunting)
(soft suspenseful music)
- I'm hungry.
(wrapper crackling)
It's all gone!
- I need to make a run for the door.
- Please, don't go.
- I'm really fast.
Just shine them with this.
They're scared of the light.
(suspenseful music)
Aunt Miemi?
(dramatic music)
Whoa!
(suspenseful music)
Abby, it's time to go.
(soft somber music)
(birds chirping)
(neon sign zapping)
(suspenseful rock music)
- I really can't believe you,
meeting some strange guy at
a fleabag motel like this?
If this guy was any kind of a car dealer,
he'd meet you at his dealership.
- Just drop it, Collette.
This guy's got something I want.
(knuckles tapping)
- Ladies.
Miss Grey?
- I'm Doreen Grey.
- Nice to meet you.
Al Sharko.
- I can see that.
- Okay.
Well let's see what you
pretty ladies got here.
(soft suspenseful music)
- Ew.
This looks like the honeymoon
suite for orangutans.
- [Doreen] That's it?
That's Marilyn Monroe's charm?
- Yep, that's it.
- It's just a rotten old piece of wood.
- Trust me, that's really it.
- What's that supposed to be?
- Well, it's real name is
Marie Antoinette's Guillotine.
- Marionette's Guillotine?
You said you had that charm thingy
that Marilyn Monroe used
to get into Playboy.
- (chuckles) She did use it for that.
- Would somebody please
tell me what's going on?
- Your friend is trading a used car
for something far more
valuable, something that can
take her much further
than that car ever could.
(suspenseful music)
This unique relic is all
that's left of a guillotine
that was used to execute
a beautiful French queen
in the city of Paris a long time ago.
The dark stain on the wood is from where
Marie Antoinette's blood
gushed when the blade
came down and lopped off
her pretty little head.
Since that time a number of
exquisitely beautiful women
have worn this charm to give themselves
an edge over all other women.
- This is what you're
trading your car for?
Some old stick of wood
that's supposed to make you beautiful?
- It really does work.
I know for a fact that
Marilyn Monroe's charm
was used by three Miss Global winners.
- (chuckles) Marie Antoinette's Guillotine
is definitely what you
need if you really do
want to win a beauty pageant, sure.
- I really do want,
but how do we know it's the real thing?
Like, where did you get it?
- A reliable acquaintance
of mine, Mr. Stumpy Nixon,
acquired it from the
Hughes estate collection
shortly before it was up for auction.
- Well we have to test it to make sure
it's the real thing.
- Sure, let's take it for a test drive.
- Not on me, on her.
Put it on Collette.
Putting it on me wouldn't prove anything.
- Sure, whatever you want.
Right on the cut line.
That's where it works the best. (chuckles)
(magical twinkling music)
Whoa.
Looks to me like that is
exactly what you want.
No doubt about it.
(suspenseful music)
- Take it off.
It's mine.
Give it to me right now.
- What's the hurry?
- Take it off this instant.
- Hey.
Hey, cut it out, I'll get it!
I'll get it.
Here.
You've got it now.
- This may seem like a deal
as far as you're concerned,
but I'm not so sure.
Looks to me like I'm gettin'
the short end of the stick.
- What do you mean the
short end of the stick?
You called me wanting
to trade it for the car.
I won fair and square in the SEC Pageant.
- Problem here is that you
misrepresented that car.
You said it was in mint condition.
- I beg your pardon, Mr. Sharko.
That car is in great
condition and you know it.
- Yeah, that car is in great condition.
- (laughs) Well, let's just say
you're gonna need somethin'
more than that old car
to trade for this valuable item.
- How much more do you want?
- How 'bout somethin' a little special?
- Oh, definitely not.
Why do men always have to act like men?
- You just happened to be the
first pageant girl I called.
There's no doubt in my mind that there's
someone else out there that would want
this valuable merchandise more than you.
- Well, wait.
Wait!
Please, let me try it on.
Just let me test drive it.
- Right on the cut line.
(magical twinkling music)
(soft sultry music)
- So, big guy, you were wanting
a little something extra
for this little beaver treat.
- Yeah, that'd be so nice.
- Mm, how would you like a nice kiss?
- Love it.
- No, absolutely not.
- What's the big deal?
- Well, if you're going to do it,
you've got to kiss him
from across the table.
Like, no hugging.
- I see what you mean.
How 'bout it big guy?
You wanna a little kiss
from across the table?
(soft sultry music)
You okay now, big guy?
Here are the keys to the car.
See ya later, alligator.
- See ya later, alligator.
(women laughing)
- I think you coulda told
that guy to take the bus
to Oregon and he would've done it.
- I think you're right.
But, he could snap out
of it around Birmingham
and come back looking for us.
(Collette exhales)
I'm going to report the car stolen anyway.
I can collect the insurance and buy me
a brand new luxury car.
This old scrap of timber
really doesn't look like much.
- I think it's how you position it.
(ominous music)
Here, let me try it on again and show you.
- Excuse me?
I traded my car for this miracle charm.
It stays with me.
- Well, you're gonna have to
come up with a different gown.
It's gonna look terribly out of place
with that little shoulderless
thing you picked out.
I wonder if you always have to wear it
on the cut line for it to work.
- Yeah, I wonder if
everyone who's ever used it
always wore this old
thing around their neck.
- Maybe you can hold it in your hand.
- I'm not going to be able to walk around
with it in my hand through
the whole competition.
- You know, it seems a
shame to only use something
that powerful just to win a pageant.
With your looks you could
probably win the contest anyways.
I'm the one who could use a little help.
Maybe when you're not using
it to win beauty pageants
you could loan it to me once in a while.
- I don't think so.
It's mine and it's only
meant for me and my needs.
- Well you'd still be the owner and all.
- Forget it.
You won't be using it at all, not ever.
- You are such a
self-centered prima donna.
You know that's why everyone hates you.
- I'm beautiful and everyone loves me.
You even love me.
You said so yourself.
- Let me tell you, I've
done nothing but work
and sacrifice to help you.
How can you be so totally ungrateful?
You wouldn't be anything without me.
- I didn't need your help
then, and I don't need it now.
I can do quite well without your help.
- You have always needed my help, Doreen.
- What have you ever done for me
that I couldn't have done on my own?
- I wax all that monkey hair off your back
and thighs every week.
If it weren't for me you'd be nothing
but a curly-haired
chimpanzee in a swimsuit.
- You cheap slut.
You swore you'd keep my little
hair problem buried forever.
- Looks like you're gonna need my help
to keep this little secret
buried, too, Miss Monkey Girl.
That little termite trap is stolen,
and I'm sure the real owners
would love to get it back.
- If you tell anyone, you'll be
in just as much trouble as me.
- I don't think so.
I'm not gonna be reporting my car stolen
to collect the insurance money.
- I haven't done that yet.
I guess I could let you use the necklace
every once in a while when I
don't need it for something.
Would ya like to try it on again?
Like right now?
- Right now?
Sure.
- Here, let me hook it on.
(suspenseful music)
(Collette grunting)
(glass breaking)
(Collette gasping)
(somber piano music)
(neon sign zapping)
♪ If I, if I, if I, if
I, if I had a penny for ♪
♪ Every time you told the truth,
oh boy I'd still be broke ♪
♪ I'd still be broke ♪
♪ I'd still be broke ♪
♪ And if you said you loved me more ♪
♪ Than your Mustang '64 it'd be a joke ♪
♪ Boy you're a joke ♪
♪ Boy you're a joke ♪
♪ When we first me you were so
sweet made me feel so special ♪
♪ Made me feel so comfortable ♪
♪ Made it easy to let go ♪
♪ Let's talk about the next day ♪
♪ When you forgot to text me ♪
♪ You little trick, I knew
I shoulda never loved you ♪
♪ No oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh I should've known about you ♪
♪ You little trick, I knew
I shoulda never loved you ♪
♪ No oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh I shoulda known about you ♪
♪ You little trick, I knew
I shoulda never loved you ♪
♪ La la la ♪
- Hey, Jonnie Rhey.
Can you make an easy
delivery on your way home?
- I guess, Mr. Cassady.
- It's just Cassady, no mister.
♪ Never loved you ♪
♪ If I had a penny ♪
- It's just this.
Make you earn your delivery charge.
♪ Then I'd be rich like a millionaire ♪
- I mean, as long as it's
not too far out of the way.
You know I live out past the Big Chicken.
- This guy lives in a
motor court off Highway 41.
- Why doesn't this guy just
come pick it up himself?
- He's a hermit.
He's been shut up in his room for years.
No one's ever seen him.
- No one?
- Four, five years ago he called
asking for the very same book.
I took it over there.
He paid cash, good tip.
Told me to leave it outside the door.
- I'll betcha I can get a look at him.
- Tell ya what, you get a look at him,
I'll double the delivery charge,
you keep the tip either way.
♪ About you ♪
♪ You little trick, I knew I shoulda ♪
- Hey, can I borrow those old
crutches in the store room?
♪ La la la la la la ♪
- Take 'em.
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ I shoulda never loved you ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ I shoulda never loved
you, never loved you ♪
(lips smacking a kiss)
(knuckles tapping)
- Book House delivery.
Whoa!
(head cracking)
(soft gentle music)
My crutch broke.
- I see.
You poor thing.
You've cut yourself.
Oh yeah, I guess I'm bleeding.
(Jonnie Rhey hisses)
- Mm, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- It's really just a little cut.
- I'm Jonnie, Jonnie Rhey.
- I'm David Jonas.
But everybody just calls me Davie.
(soft romantic music)
Excuse me.
- Well then excuse me, too.
- So, is your foot okay?
- It's fine.
- What's wrong with this foot anyways?
- Nothing really.
- Why the crutches?
- It was just an act to
get you to open the door.
- Your little act didn't work out so well.
You coulda hurt yourself
pulling a stunt like that.
- I really did hurt myself.
- I hope it was worth it.
- Got me in to see you.
- Well yeah, and now you got a nasty cut,
you might even get a black eye.
You did all this just to see me.
- Yeah, and to get a tip.
- A tip?
A tip, is that really all you care about?
- Well I had to try something.
My boss said you don't
open the door for anyone.
- That's true.
I've stayed in here ever
since I retired from the Navy.
(somber music)
(ominous music)
- What'd you do in the Navy?
- Submarine navigator.
- I love submarines, they're so cool.
(somber music)
- My boat sank.
- Your submarine sank?
And you survived?
- Half the crew survived.
Submarines have at least
two complete crews.
While one crew is at sea on patrol,
the second crew is topside.
I was in this room when the boat sank.
I didn't find out until I
showed up for duty at the base.
(ominous music)
- It musta hit you pretty
hard, losing all your friends.
(somber music)
- Yeah.
After that I came here.
I retired.
Didn't wanna be put with another crew.
- When did this happen?
- I'm not really sure.
It seems like yesterday.
I guess I don't keep up with the days.
Now I just stay on my regular shift.
- Your regular shift?
- On the boat, we use an 18-hour day.
Each shift is six hours,
six hours on, six hours off,
six hours in the rack.
- Well what about the
other six hours in the day?
- The Navy discovered
that we don't need them.
Submariners work better
without all those extra hours.
- It sounds weird.
- It's actually not as weird as it sounds.
In fact, it actually works pretty good.
Between patrols I always
come back to this room
and continue on 18-hour days.
- So does that nutty clock
always run that fast?
- No.
I thought the thing was
broken and stopped running.
- Well, it's really goin' now.
- [Davey] Yeah.
- It just seems so claustrophobic
being cooped up here all the time.
(ominous music)
- Well I like bein' cooped up.
Time stops when I'm all cooped up.
We pull into port.
The hatch opens up and
it's always the big jolt.
- What jolt?
- I hated getting back and finding out
about all the things that
happened in the world
while we were down.
Married men getting off the boat
expecting to see their wives
and discovering they're now divorced.
- Did that every happen to you?
- My fiancee died while we were on patrol.
When we tied up she had
been buried for 63 days.
- Davie, I'm so sorry.
- It was so strange.
As far as I was concerned
she had just died.
Everybody topside already got over it
and moved on with their lives.
That's when I started staying in here.
In the sub I don't think
about things on the surface.
- You don't get any news
while you're underwater?
- Nope.
The only messages the boat receives are if
we need to nuke somebody
or destroy the world.
The caption and XO are the only
ones who read the messages.
- Total isolation.
(Davie grunts)
- I was just readin' my book.
I don't wanna know what's
happening in the world.
As long as I'm in the submarine,
the world doesn't change.
- I guess not.
Nobody in it but you.
(ominous music)
You're a coward, ya know.
You're really just afraid
of falling in love and being loved.
- I guess I was afraid of falling in love.
But now, I think I wouldn't mind.
- Oh no you don't, Mr. Jonas.
We're not falling in love.
I mean, how can you even
expect me to be in love
with a hermit who never
leaves his little motel room?
- I can change by simply
walking out that door.
- Haven't you noticed
what's happening to you?
What's happening to this room?
(mirror cracking)
- I do seem to have gotten grayer.
- You stopped time somehow.
- Time doesn't move.
Time doesn't move.
- Well, it's moving now.
I mean, it might not be that easy
to just walk out that door.
- You could stay here with me.
- [Jonnie Rhey] This
room is falling apart.
- We can easily build you an extra bunk
and you don't look like
you eat all that much.
- It wouldn't work.
I mean, I can't live like a hermit
reading the same book every single day,
and besides, I eat more than you think I--
- Jonnie!
I can change.
(metal clattering)
I need to leave this room.
(suspenseful music)
Looks like time's already
catching up to me.
- I don't know about this.
(glass breaking)
- Everyone lives on borrowed time.
(glass breaking)
(Davie grunts)
(Davie groans)
(church bell rings)
- Wait, close the door
before it's too late.
(Davie groaning)
Davie.
(somber music)
(Davie panting)
- There's no time for love. (gasping)
(ominous music)
- Hold that.
(trunk thuds)
- Ow!
When are you gonna get the
trunk lid fixed on our car?
- I may never get it fixed.
And it's not our car, it's my car,
and I may just buy a whole
new ride after this deal.
Recycle the old lead
sled back into the system
from whence it came.
- Ya know, you could
always just let me have it.
Like to sweeten up my end
of the deal a little bit.
- You got to learn to
live within your means, T.
That old rust bucket still
gets by under its own power,
which makes it worth at
least a hundred bucks.
I ain't just gonna give it away.
- Oh, well remember you
promised me 100 bucks
(hand smacks)
to watch your back.
- Yeah, I won't forget.
I don't miss any details.
- Yeah, you'll forget if it suits you.
- I won't forget your $100.
- Ridin' shotgun for you
isn't the safest activity I can think of.
- Look, T, I've already
done all the dirty work.
I located the goods and done
the breaking and entering.
I acquired the merchandise
and made the getaway.
All you gotta do is be
around during the transaction
so the buyer doesn't get any funny ideas.
(tongue clicks)
(ominous music)
- Oh, so that's the
merchandise, an old box.
- It's not the box, you welter brain,
it's what's in the box.
- What's in the box?
- Houdini's hand.
- Say what?
- Houdini's hand.
- Oh!
- It's Houdini's old mummified hand.
- You mean, like, there's a
real dead guy's hand in there?
Like, from that old dead magician?
- Yeah, somebody cut it
off his body after he died.
- Well, so what?
I mean, who would even want
some old dead thing like that?
- Lots of people.
- Oh, lots, and what
would they do with it?
- It's got uses.
- Huh, what kind of uses?
Like, what uses?
It's dead!
- I tell you I stole
it off of Stumpy Nixon?
- You mean the one-armed
burglar down in Atlanta?
You stole that dead
hand from Stumpy Nixon?
- Yep, sure did.
See, he left it in his flat when he went
to go visit his girlfriend?
When I go pay him a visit,
I realize he's left his door unlocked.
So I just pop in and lift it.
(chuckles) He even left the bag
for me to carry it off with.
- You stole that hand off
of a one-armed burglar.
- Yeah, I guess it left him a
little shorthanded. (laughs)
(Tyrone laughing)
- What was Stumpy Nixon
usin' that dead hand for?
- Well I heard he was
usin' it to unlock doors
and safes and stuff.
I'm tellin' you, this thing is
valuable to the right people.
- How does he do it?
You know, like, how does Stumpy Nixon
use an old dead hand to
open doors and safes?
- Man, I don't know, he just does.
He inherited it from some other old dude
that was usin' it for the same thing.
Somehow they use it.
- Have you seen it?
- What, the hand?
- Yes, the hand.
Have you seen the hand?
- No, I haven't seen it.
It's in a Chinese trickster box.
You gotta slide a panel
this way and that way.
It's like a puzzle.
- Nah, nah, nah, nah.
It's an ancient combination lock.
I used to try to figure these things out.
- Yeah. (chuckles)
I'm gonna call my fence, Al Sharko.
Man, this thing is worth 10K easy.
- Yeah, yeah.
(phone rattling)
(Tyrone's stomach bubbling)
(Tyrone grunting)
(phone ringing)
- Sharko's Body Shop.
- [Rufus] Hey, Al, it's Rufus.
How's it goin'?
- What do you want, Rufus?
I'm here with my mother.
- (chuckles) Tell your mom I said hi.
- My mother despises vermin like you.
What do you want?
- Man, your mama's smart.
Listen, I got somethin' you want.
- I doubt it.
- Really, Al.
I managed to get my hands
on something quite valuable.
- Ya gonna tell me what it
is before I die of old age?
- Check this out.
I have, in my possession, Houdini's hand.
- Are you talkin' about
that thing that Stumpy Nixon
uses to open safes and stuff?
- Yeah, picked it up
right out of his flat.
Check this out.
Stumpy Nixon left his door unlocked.
- Stumpy Nixon always
leaves his door unlocked.
It'd be a waste of time to lock his doors
with that hand thing in there.
That's what I'm tryin' to tell you, Al.
This thing opens stuff.
I figured you might know
someone who wants it.
- Stumpy Nixon might want
it, and you'll be lucky
if he takes it back
without a lotta trouble.
- Man, I ain't afraid of
that one-armed safe cracker.
- Well, you better be plenty worried.
Nobody messes with Stumpy Nixon.
Even the cops leave that guy alone.
Couple years ago a
detective got on his trail.
He woke up one morning
with his nose lopped off.
Only a complete imbecile like you
would steal Stumpy Nixon's hand.
(toilet flushing)
- [Rufus] Yo, T, how'd you open the box?
- You know that bathroom
doesn't have any toilet paper?
Left me stranded, high and dry.
- [Rufus] The box, T, how'd you open it?
- Didn't touch it.
I was in the bathroom while
you were talkin' to Al.
What's that stuff in the box?
Doesn't look like a hand to me.
- Looks like rock salt.
Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
It's rock salt.
They put it in there to preserve the hand.
(tongue smacking)
- Yep, that's rock salt.
- Man, get that trash can
so we can put this in there.
- No hand.
There isn't anything in
that box but rock salt.
(phone ringing)
- Change your mind?
- [Stumpy] You've got my hand.
(dramatic music)
- Well, did Al Sharko call you?
- [Stumpy] No, Al Sharko didn't call me.
You were tryin' to sell
it to Al, weren't you?
- [Rufus] Well--
- [Stumpy] You thought you
could just steal my hand
and sell it, didn't you?
- Well, to be perfectly
honest with you, Stumpy--
- [Stumpy] That's Mr. Nixon to you.
(suspenseful music)
You've never been perfectly
honest with anyone
in your whole miserable life.
You've got my hand, and I
want it back with interest.
- Okay, Mr. Nixon, I have
what you're lookin' for.
What's it worth to you?
- [Stumpy] What's it
worth to me? (laughing)
To be perfectly honest with you (laughs)
I'll tell you what it's worth to you.
The way I see it, you took my hand.
I want my hand back and
now I want one of yours.
- What?
(Stumpy laughing)
My hand?
You're crazy.
- [Stumpy] You guys better
seriously consider my offer.
And remember, I want my hand back
and I want one of yours in interest.
And listen, Rufus, I'm on
my way over there to get it.
(dramatic music)
- Who was that?
Was that Stumpy Nixon?
What'd he want?
- My hand.
Says he wants my hand in
interest for takin' his.
- How does he expect you to do that?
Saw off your own hand?
- I guess so.
(crowd shouting)
- [Woman] Burn the witch!
Burn her, burn the witch!
(crowd shouting)
Burn her, burn her, burn.
(ominous music)
- You think the hand did that?
- [Rufus] I don't know.
- You know it's out that box,
and it's in this room somewhere.
- [Rufus] I don't know, T.
I don't think it can think it
can do somethin' like that.
- It's in here.
It just turned on that
TV, it's in here ya know.
- Come over here and help me move this out
so we can look behind it.
- Nah, nah, I'm good.
- Don't be a wuss, get over here, come on.
Ready, on three.
- Uh-huh.
- One, two, three.
Don't pick up your end or anything.
- Nothin' back there but old
dust bunnies the size of cats.
(phone ringing)
- [Stumpy] Tyrone Thaddeus.
(dramatic music)
So you're watchin' Rufus's back
for a measly hundred bucks?
- Yeah, how'd you know that?
- [Stumpy] I know a lot, Tyrone.
I know that after Rufus
gets through settling up
with me, he's not gonna have
your measly hundred bucks.
Rufus is the one who's gonna
come up shorthanded. (laughing)
(ominous music)
(door rattling)
(Tyrone grunting)
- Hey, Rufus, the hand just locked us in.
- Man, get out the way.
Move, get out the way.
How'd it do that?
- The window.
The window's all boarded up.
How are we gonna get out now?
- We got a bag full of tools.
In case you forget, remember we break
into places for a living?
- Oh yeah.
We can get outta here.
- Yeah.
- All right?
Let's go.
Hey, Rufus, where's your crowbar?
- I lost it.
It fell off the roof at the Piggly Wiggly
back in the green room.
- And you never got another one?
- Never needed another one.
- 'Til now.
- Yeah, 'til now.
- [Stumpy] Hey!
Hey!
I know you hear me.
When you shysters gon'
stop messin' around?
You need to get that hand ready for me
because I'm on my way
over there to get it.
- Okay.
- Hey, Rufus.
What you gon' do with that saw?
Hope you're not thinkin'
what I think you're thinkin'.
- No, I'm not thinkin' what
you think I'm thinkin'.
I know one thing, we
need to figure out a way
to get outta this room before--
(phone receiver clatters)
- The hand.
It's hangin' around this table.
- [Stumpy] Tyrone.
Tyrone.
Tyrone.
I know you hear me, boy.
Is that you, boy?
- Yes, this is I.
- [Stumpy] I've got
some good news, Tyrone,
and I got some bad news.
(suspenseful music)
(Stumpy laughs)
The good news is I don't have my heart
set on takin' Rufus's hand.
- That is some good news.
- [Stumpy] Yep, and the
bad news is your hand
will also be satisfactory. (laughs)
- Oh, whoa, oh, oh, why my hand?
- [Stumpy] Well any hand will do
as long as you crooks come up with a hand.
You're just fortunate I don't want
your arm or your leg. (laughs)
- We've gotta get outta here.
Looks like they screwed these boards on.
They're not pryin' off.
Oh, oh.
(electricity zapping)
Oh, Rufus.
(Rufus coughing)
Ah, come here.
(Rufus coughing)
Rufus.
You nearly died.
You peed your pants and you nearly died.
- [Rufus] It's that hand.
It's tryin' to kill us.
- Yeah it is, it is!
It's way back in its box.
- [Rufus] Get it, go, get it.
Close the lid.
- Move out the way.
- Get it down.
- Ah!
- Get somethin' out of this bag.
Anything!
(phone ringing)
What can we use?
(Rufus and Tyrone gasping)
(Rufus and Tyrone scream)
(phone ringing)
I can't find anything.
(Rufus and Tyrone scream)
(Tyrone and Rufus whimper)
We need a hand for when Stumpy gets here.
- Yeah, we do.
(door creaks)
- I see you had a little
run in with my hand.
- Uh-huh.
- Tell me, Tyrone, what did
you learn from all of this?
(suspenseful music)
- Don't mess around with Stumpy Nixon.
- Let me give you a little
bit of advice, Tyrone.
Hangin' out with big dummies
like Rufus right there,
you're gon' end up just like Rufus.
- Hey, 'ey, Mr. Nixon.
What you want me to do with this?
- Ah yes, the interest on my property.
I don't think I'll be takin' that today.
It's not my color, plus
it smells bad. (laughs)
Ho!
Stumpy Nixon, you better tell somebody.
(suspenseful music)
(Tyrone laughing)
- Woo! (laughs)
Oh. (laughs)
Oh.
(suspenseful music)