Return to Green Acres (1990) - full transcript

["Green Acres" theme playing]

[Oliver] ♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

[Lisa] ♪ New York
is where I'd
rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darlin', I love you,
but give me Park Avenue ♪

[Oliver] ♪ Seems time
has just been rollin' on ♪

♪ Made a lot of friends
who've come and gone ♪



♪ Some things change
as years go by ♪

♪ On other things,
you know you can rely ♪

[Lisa] ♪ I never thought
you'd hear me say ♪

♪ Milking cows
is how I start the day ♪

[Oliver] ♪ We're happy
with this life we've found ♪

♪ Who needs the city?
I've got some solid ground ♪

[Oliver] Hank Kimball.

Ralph Monroe.

Alf Monroe.

Eb Dawson.

Sam Drucker.

Mr. Haney.

[Oliver] ♪ We'll take
the country ♪

[Lisa] ♪ It's fresh
and clear ♪



[both] ♪ Green Acres,
we live here ♪

[Oliver] Mr. Haney,
I'm glad to see you.

Mr. Douglas, has all
this alfalfa grown

from those seeds
I sold you

at that low
discount price?

Look at how they've rooted.
I'm the happiest man in town.

Well, I've always
prided myself

as being
the farmer's
best friend.

That's why I'd hate
to see you lose this crop.

-How could I lose it?
-Malnutrition.

Malnutrition.
Now don't you worry
about that, Mr. Haney.

I'm giving these plants
the best care money
can buy.

You are as dedicated
as they come, Mr. Douglas.

That's why I know
you'd like to get

my special organic
growth stimulator.

It's just come
on the market.

What's so special?

I import it
from East Germany.

Now that the wall's down,
I'm doing business
over there.

It's called Gorby-Grow.

Gorby-Grow?

I'll put you down
for 100 bags.

I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll take one bag
just to experiment with.

Why don't we
round it off at
an even number?

Say 23 bags.

An even number
would be 20 bags.

Sold.

[hammering]

Alf, what do you think?

Looks good to me.

I don't understand, Ralph.

Why are the Douglases
putting their bathtub
outside?

It's a hot tub, Alf.

A bunch of people
get in there... naked.

A bunch of people?
Grown-ups? Naked?

Well, what if
someone sees you?

Then they get
in there, too.
Party time.

Boy, I always thought
two lines at the kissing booth

-was about as far
as you could go.
-[both chuckle]

[Oliver] Lisa!

Lisa!

What the...

Hi, Mr. Douglas.
It's a hot tub.

The way it works
is a bunch of naked
people get in--

I know it's a hot tub.
What's it doing
out in front?

That's what the plans
called for, Mr. Douglas.

Look.

[sighs]

Oh.

Okay, Alf,
let's slide this sucker

around to the back
of the house.

Good morning, Mr. Kimball.
It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

Well, not beautiful.
Uh, more like fair.

Well, not really fair.

Well, it isn't
unfair, either.

Something in between
fair and beautiful,

sort of fairful.

Mr. Kimball, aren't you
here to inspect my tub?

Tub? Oh, yeah.

If you have a permit.

Do you think that Rome
was built without permits?

Do you think
the Tower of London
went up without a permit?

Do you think
that Yankee Stadium--

Mr. Kimball.
Permit me.

Oh. Well,
why didn't you
say so?

Well, let's get down
to business.

What's a tub
doing out here?

[Alf] It works this way,
Mr. Kimball.

A couple of naked people
get in...

Well, okay, Mr. Douglas,

if that's the way
you city folks
want to live.

But I'll tell you right now,
the rest of the bathroom
stays in the house.

Of course, it will, yes.

Well...
Then let's turn it on,
see if it works.

Holy smoke!
Look at this mud.

For the life of me, Ralph,

I don't know
how you two
stay in business.

Same as you, Mr. Douglas,

through hard work
and perseverance.

Lisa?

Lisa.

-[Lisa] Be right there,
darling.
-[cow mooing]

Oh, hey! Guess what!
My alfalfa's in full bloom.

Bottom 40's a sea of green
as far as the eyes can see.

Alfalfa!

That's wonderful news.

But what are we
going to do with
all that falafala?

Oh. Alfalfa.
It's fodder
for the animals.

Oh, darling,
I'm so proud of you.

And maybe next year
you can grow the mudder.

Uh, no.

Fodder is what animals eat.

You mean to say they eat
their own fodder?

That's terrible.

That's like capitalism.

No, you mean cannibalism.

You've seen them?

No, I didn't...
No, I didn't...

You mean to say
they do it in secret?

That's terrible!

Oh, for...

Well, I'm going to
have to discuss it
with the animals tonight.

But right now
I'm on my way to
my very first art show.

Come on, Oliver, show me.

Which one do you
like the best?

Well, uh,

that's, uh,
hard to decide.

They're all so unique.

Oh. Say, I like
that one of Paris.

But they're all
of New York.

-Even Eleanor and Drabny know
that they are all of New York.
-[honking]

[Lisa] You see?

Look, here's
the Umpire State Building.

Yeah, the Empire
State Building!

I've never seen
New York pictured
exactly this way.

Oh, Oliver, you have
such a good eye.

Yes, yes.

And such a cute nose.

Yeah, mmm-hmm.

[Armstrong] Do you see
those fields of gold and green?

Those charming
little farmhouses?

Well, we're going
to wipe them right
off the map.

These lands weren't
meant to produce
bushels of grain.

They were meant
to produce
bushels of money,

mini-malls, tract homes.

-Fast-food restaurants?
-Yeah, a city
of the future.

Life in the fast lane.

-Good luck, Lisa.
-Oh, thank you.

I hope you don't bring
a single one of these home.

Goodbye, darling.

Afternoon, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, Daisy.

More vegetables?

I brought more
vegetables for you.

We haven't finished that radish
you brought us last month.

Well, I brought you
some carrots to go with it.

I dug 'em up early
so they wouldn't
get too big.

Daisy, your vegetables
are extraordinary.

How do you do it?

I'm a Ziffel.
Farming's in my blood.

Your aunt, Doris
and uncle, Fred

would be very proud of you.

Well, they left me the farm.

It's up to me
to make it work.

Daisy, have you
ever thought of...

Spending less time
in the field

and more time
playing the field?

[laughs]
In Hooterville?

Yeah.

-Oh, it can't be done.
-Why?

All the men here are
either too old, too young,
or too married.

Can't be as bad
as all that.

Oh, no?

I was so starved
for companionship
last night,

I took Arnold
to the Hooterville High
basketball game.

Arnold likes basketball?

Arnold!

["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]

[Oliver] Hey!

-He loves it.
-[snorting]

Kept me up all night
practicing his slam dunk.

[laughs]

[oinking]

[Lisa] Where is everybody?

[clock chimes]

Oh.

[bell on door chimes]

Excuse me, Mr. Drucker.

Did anybody call
about my art show?

Lamar Beebe called
a little while ago.

He wants to know
when it's over

so he can schedule
a checker game
over there.

-Oh.
-[bell on door chimes]

Excuse me, sir.
Can you give me
directions to--

Franklin, look.

They're the most
beautiful things
I've ever seen.

You see,
Mr. Drucker?

And I didn't even
have to cut off my ear.

Excuse me.
Which ones do you
like the best?

Why, these.

Here behind
those awful paintings.

[exclaims] Aren't they
simply gorgeous?

Franklin, I'm going to browse.

I, I can paint
a hurricane lamp.

It's very easy.
It's just a wick
in a vase.

Well, I guess that's about it

for the art show,
huh, Mrs. Douglas?

Yes, I guess it is.

[rooster crows]

[knock on door]

[knocking continues]

-Mr. Douglas?
-Yeah.

Okay, come on, kids,
here we go, here we go.

Come on, Flo.
All right, Jeb.

Let's go see Grandpa.
Come on, here we go.

Okay, here we go.

Let's go see Gramps.
Here we go.

-Come on, sweetheart.
-Okay, come on, boy.

Come on.

Oh, hey, Dad.

You mind if I leave
the family here
for a while?

I gotta get into
town real fast.

I'm always glad
to spend some time
with your family.

Oh, Flo, looks like
this one is about ready

to sit down at the table
and have supper.

These two.
I'm having twins.

Oh?

Oh-ho! And you know
what that means, Dad.

You owe me
two acres of land,

one acre per child,

just like you promised
when we got married.

You certainly made the most
of that arrangement,
didn't you, Eb?

We're just following
what you always told me,

"Be productive."

Okay, kids, now look,

don't cause your grandpa
any trouble while we're gone.

Dad, why do we have to call
Mr. Douglas "grandpa"?

He's not even your father.

Jeb here's becoming
a regular teenage rebel.

Wasn't I just like that
when I was his age?

What?
When I met you,
you were 24.

And adopted me
right on the spot.

No. I hired you
for my handyman.

You adopted me.

See, Dad?

Mr. Douglas, do you mind
if I call you Mr. Douglas?

I wish somebody
in this family would.

Boy, oh, boy,
kids today are
really something.

They either want
to drop out of school

and get their ears pierced,
or they hang around
complaining

about how boring it is
in Hooterville.

Where is it all heading?

I believe you were
heading into town.

Oh, gosh, that's right.

I gotta get into
Drucker's real fast

and pick up a drum
of calamine lotion.

The little ones got into
some poison ivy

down in the lower 40,
and they've been scratching

worse than a hound dog
at a flea circus.

Poison ivy in the lower 40?

The whole 40 acres!

That's impossible.
I, I planted alfalfa!

Golly, ain't that something?

Poison ivy growing
out of that alfalfa seed
Mr. Haney sold you.

You ought to call
Farmers' Almanac.

Oh, I'll sue him,
I'll sue him.

Remember, this project
is your baby,

your big chance
to show me
what you've got.

Now sit up straight.

Don't worry
about me, Dad.
I'll deliver.

As long as we can figure out
a way to force these people
to sell their land.

Force? We don't have to
force 'em.

Someone will
do that for us.

Do you have
a connection on
the real estate board?

No, someone better.

The man who put
the "win" in "swindle."

Sounds like
you made a deal
with the devil, Dad.

[laughs]

Close.

Our rooms do have
the lake view, don't they?

That's what
we requested.

They certainly
do, ma'am.

These are only $10 a day.

Do you want
to pay as you go
or put 'em on your bill?

Okay, okay,
put 'em on the bill,

but there better be
an indoor skating rink

like it said
in the brochure.

Yes, it's right up that way.

-Come on children.
-Up the stairs there.

Come on children.

[applauding]

Ah, Mr. Haney,

it's always a pleasure
to see a master at work.

Thank you, Mr. Armstrong.

It's nice to know
the entrepreneurial spirit

is still appreciated.

-This is my son Brad.
-Howdy.

He's the junior partner in the
Armstrong Development Company.

He'll be running the show
here in Hooterville.

Shake hands, Brad.

His hand.

Step into
the Astoria Room here,
just sit down.

You know, Mr. Haney,
I've heard so much
about you.

Is it true that you sold
a Toyota to Lee Iacocca?

Oh, them was just small,
uncooked potatoes, son.

Today we're discussing
real money.

You said you had a plan.

A master plan.

I'm going after
the most influential man
in Hooterville,

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

And when I sell him,

everybody else in town
will be throwing their deeds
at my feet.

And you'll have
the 20-story high-rise
we agreed on.

The Taj Mahaney.

You've cut quite a deal
for yourself, Mr. Haney.

All I want to do
is just leave the world
a better place.

Are you sure
you can get this
Douglas to sell?

I'm positive.

As much as it pains me,
I have drawn up
a proposal

offering Oliver Douglas

five times
the original cost
of his farm.

He'll jump at it.

Oliver,
what's the matter
with you, darling?

Oh, Lisa.

After all these years
of farming this land,

after putting up
with every kind of
human indignity,

I have been rewarded today
with a crop of poison ivy.

You mean that
your green bottom
isn't falafala?

The only thing
that field is gonna
produce is a rash.

I'm boiling mad.

And I'm boiling sad.

You know that not one person
came to see my art show?

I'm going to find a corner
and paint myself into it.

Yeah. Remember
when things like this
wouldn't bother us?

No matter what happened,
our spirits remained high.

I don't remember that.

Was I happy then?
Did I laugh?

Lisa, we've lost our spark.

Oh, I feel it, too.

Oliver, what are
we going to do?

Well, maybe
it's time to leave.

Maybe it's time
to go back to New York.

Oh, that reminds me,
you got a letter
from New York.

It's marked "urgent,
confidential, personal,

for your eyes only."

I wonder who it was from.

Oh, it's from your law firm.

They want you
to go back
and try a case.

Yeah! I'm the only one
that can handle the case.

Of course, you are
the only one.

But don't they want
you to win it, too?

Well, I have to admit,
I'd love to help
the firm out.

And maybe it is
finally time I got back
to something I know.

I'll bet that would
rekindle my spark.

And mine, too.

Walking down 5th Avenue,

look at all those
lovely people.

Oliver, are you sure
you're ready
to go back?

Well, I'll tell you this.

If one more thing
goes wrong,

I'm going to hang up
my pitchfork.

I'll make you some tea.

Oliver, when you said
one more thing
goes wrong,

did you mean a little thing
or a mediocre thing,

or a big thing?

We'll know
when it happen...

Oliver!

-Oh, for--
-Oliver!

Why are you
in the root cellar?

[coughs]

I've had it!

We're leaving!

We're going back to New York!

Mr. Haney.

Mr. Douglas, are you all right?

I'm okay.
I want to talk to you.

Ain't that a coincidence,
Mr. Douglas?
I want to talk to you, too.

It'll have to wait.
I came to tell you that--

Now, I insist.
Now, this might be a surprise--

No surprises.
I came to tell you

that Mrs. Douglas and I
have come to a...

An important decision.

Well, so have I.
I've decided
to offer you--

Oh, no, you don't!

Every time you
offer me something,

it costs me twice as much.

-I'm gonna offer you
five times--
-I want to sell Green Acres.

Well, you can't...
Uh, Green Acres.

Well, now, I suppose
I could make you
an offer

of, say, 50%
of your original cost.

One hundred percent.

Shall we split
the difference,
say 70%?

Split the difference isn't...
Now look, I'm not gonna
fall for that again.

One hundred percent
of my original cost.

Well, I must say,
Mr. Douglas,

you've learned quite a bit
through the years,
haven't you?

You can bet I have,

and I want this money
right away.

Well, now, that's another
wrinkle in the quilt.

To get that much money together

would take me
six or seven months.

Oh, I can't wait that long.

Suppose I give you
what I've got on hand now.

How much is that?

Uh, 40% of your original cost.

Fifty!

Sold! Ha, ha!

Mr. Douglas, it's good
doing business with you.

-No haggling.
-[coughs]

[sneezes]

You better not set
your equipment up
in that field.

Is this your field?

Nope.

Why don't you
just mind your own
business, all right?

Okeydokey.

But you'd be better off
on this side of the fence.

Huh?

[grunts]

[panting]

[grunts]

He can open that gate
when he's mad.

Oh, no.
Oh, no!

Yep.

Good bull.
Nice bull.

You don't wanna do this!

No place to hide back there.

Whoa!

Oh, no! Oh, God!
Here we go.

Whoa!

Come on!

[yelling]

Yee-ha!

Hello!

Whoa!

Boy, this is sure fun.

Thanks a lot.

Lester, Jeb, what's up?

So what'd you do last night?

Nothing, man.
What'd you do?

Ooh, I went to L.A.
in my private jet,

sang with
Guns n' Roses,

and I stopped by
Joan Jett's place,

taught her
a couple of dance moves.
You know, same old thing.

Stayed home, too, huh?

What else is there to do?

I helped my mom
clean out the refrigerator.

Let's face it,
we're trapped,

stuck in Hooterville,
town of the living dead.

Boy, I wish I could
get out of this place.

Hooterville has got to be

the most boring town
on the planet.

As soon as I get a chance,
I am leaving here,

and I am never,
ever looking back.

Yes, yes,
we have extensive
scuba-diving facilities.

Reef? Absolutely.

The Great Hooterville Reef

is right outside
our back door.

Two weeks?
I'll squeeze you in.
Yeah.

[laughs]

Get me the SPCA.

I want to report
a dangerous animal
terrorizing innocent citizens.

It appears like
that old Thunderhooves
has been chasing you.

From one end of town
to the other.

You should've bought
that bull insurance
I suggested.

'Course, now the premium
will be higher

because the bull's
already seen you.

I can't wait till this town
is one big parking lot.

Have the Douglases
left yet?

No, they'll be
leaving tomorrow.

Tonight the town is holding
a big farewell shindig.

And don't you worry,

I have pulled a few strings
and you are invited.

That'll be $2 for the ticket.

I'm not going
to any farewell parties.

Well, I guarantee that
this is one experience

you wouldn't
want to miss.

Have you ever seen
a selling panic up close?

Oh, it's
the most beautiful
sight in the world.

Oh. Well, that does
sound like something
I'd like to see.

But I can't go like this.

Well, if you're looking
for a new suit,

you might try
the men's store
in the hotel arcade.

Arcade?

Step this way.

Something in an Italian cut?

[country music playing]

[people chattering]

Eb? Eb, I think it's time.

Is this it, honey?

[moans]

Uh-uh.

Phew.

What'd you write, Sam?

"Roses are red,
acres are green,

you're the worst farmer
this town's ever seen."

[laughing]

-What's so funny?
-Nothing, nothing.

Well, keep on having fun.

Hi, Arnold.
Who's your girlfriend?

I feel completely
out of place.

Relax.
Enjoy yourself, son.

You are seeing a dream
come true, mine.

-Come on.
-[sneezes]

Hello there!

Cake is served.

It's Mrs. Douglas'
famous pineapple
upside-down cake.

Come on, now.
Who is first?

Come on.
You don't have to be shy.
I made a lot of them.

I have three more.

Come on, now, everybody.
Don't be bashful.

Mr. Haney,
who's that,
that girl?

Daisy, why don't you
take the first piece

and break the icing?

Daisy.

Young Mr. Armstrong.

Here I thought
you was all business.

Oh, I'm so glad.

You finally took your head
out of the vegetable patch.

Those are the most
beautiful eyes

I ever seen
on a two-legger.

Come on,
introduce me.

Well, come on,
let's meet him.
Come on.

May I present
my second cousin
once removed

on my sister
Bertha's side,
Brad Armstrong.

Brad is a kindergarten teacher,

interested in learning rural
educational techniques.

And this is Daisy Ziffel,

one of the loveliest,
most charming,

beautiful girls
in Hootersville.

And she's also
very popular.

It's nice to meet you.

[Lisa laughs]

Well, you two
seem to have
a lot to talk about.

Oh, come on, Mr. Haney.

I want you to taste
my chocolate chip clam dip.

Mrs. Douglas,
you never cease
to amaze me

with your culinary technique.

Oh, come on, Mr. Haney.

You're just kissing
the baloney stone.
Come on.

It's a nice party, isn't it?

Sure is.

-Uh, you live around here?
-Sure do.

You try that new fertilizer?

It's four times as coarse
as the old kind.

Well, I'll be sure
to pick some up...

Uh, I mean, buy some.

Be sure and get the extra-aged

'cause the other kind
will burn the roots
right off your okra.

Sounds like you
really know your fertilizer.

Sure do.

Stick my nose in a pile
and tell you the name
of the horse.

[laughs]

-Nice music, isn't it?
-Sure is.

When a man
like Oliver Douglas
vacates an area,

he's got a very good reason.

He's just tired of farming.

You didn't buy that, did you?

I tell you, gentlemen,

something is afoot
in Hooterville

and he's onto it.

Yeah, he's onto it. Onto what?

Well, it'll surface real soon,

but I tell you,
rumors are flying.

What kind of rumors?
The worst kind.

Disaster is close at hand.
Can't you just feel it?

I can.

Oh, boy.

Could I have
your attention here, folks?

Just for a minute,
if you please.

Uh, I'd like to make
a little toast here.

Yes, thank you.

Uh, we came to Hooterville
full of hopes and dreams,

and we hoped to become
successful farmers.

-[laughter]
-Except the crops didn't grow.

[laughter]

But our love for this place
and the people, that grew.

Now, I have been asked
to come back to New York

to help my old law firm--

Law firm? We always thought
you were disbarred.

[laughter]

Yeah, we thought
you came here in disgrace.

Well, we knew you came here
on a train, but...

Please, what I'm trying to say

is how much,
how much we love
the place, the people,

and how sad I am, uh...

Come on, Mr. Douglas, fess up!

Confession is
good for the soul.

Did you do time?

[laughter]

Okay, I give up. Lisa!

Thank you.

Well, I am usually not the one

who gives a toast,

but this time I really have to.

Even though my English
isn't perfect,

you never made fun of me,

and I want
to thank you for that,

and for so many other things.

I am going to miss you
from the bottom of my heart.

And the top, too.

To the Douglases.

You came here as strangers,
but you're leaving as family.

Best family a boy ever had.

Well, to the, uh...

-The Douglases.
-Oh, the Douglases!

[all] Hip-hip-hooray!

Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray!

Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray!

To Hootersville!

Are you sure
we're doing the right thing?

Oh, Oliver.
Oliver, it was your idea,

and you always know best.

And from now on,
we are just going
to look ahead

and never look back.

Yeah, but this has been
our home for so long.
Giving it up is--

Is very difficult. I know.

Oliver, we're going
to take this to New York

to remember Green Acres by.

-Oh, good.
-[both chuckle]

[Oliver] Those people
look like ants.

-Are you happy, darling?
-Oh, yes, yes, yes.

So am I.

You know, New York
is even more beautiful
than I remembered it.

-Oh, better. I have an idea.
-Yes?

Why don't we eat breakfast
out here on the terrace
like we used to?

Oh, lovely idea.
I'll go make the hot cakes.

-I'll set the table.
-Good.

-New York is full of surprises.
-Oh!

Mr. Haney, how did you do?

I got the deed to Drucker's,

the cafe,
and the filling station.

And...

It was a clean sweep.

Young Mr. Armstrong,
Hooterville is ours.

We have the feed store.

We have, uh, the car wash
and Ziffel's farm.

Mr. Haney, that's all
the land we need.
How did you do it?

Told everybody
a different story.

[chuckles]
There's a hole
in the ozone layer

right over their farm.

There's a toxic waste dump
moving next door.

And my all-time favorite,

a certified geologist's report

proving that the Hooterville
earthquake fault

goes right under
Daisy Ziffel's farm

and right down Main Street.

Well, hold on.
What if these people
talk to each other?

I pledged them all to secrecy.

That's the first rule
of divide and conquer.

Mr. Haney, congratulations.

Now, about my bonus.

There was no bonus
in our agreement.

Uh, well, it wasn't written in,
but it's generally understood.

Well, understand this.

I'm gonna be mailing
these deeds off
to my dad today,

and we're gonna be
tearing this town down
before you know it.

Well, I...

[whistling]

There you go, Mrs. Asher.

Can I help you?

Yeah, the, uh,
sign outside said that
this was a post office.

That's right.
Zip code number 40516½.

Next.

[clears throat]

I'd like to send this
to New York. Express mail.

Express mail? What's that?

Overnight.
Gets there the next day.

Get out!

Vera, will you quit thumping
on that gumball machine?

What she won't do
to get a licorice.

Can you tell me what's in this?

I have to fill out
some insurance forms.

Sure, they're
just reports. Cards.

Uh, r-report cards.

So, like, I'm a bird,

and I'm flying higher
and higher and higher,

and below me is Hooterville.

It's getting smaller
and smaller and smaller

until it disappears.

And then, I wake up.

I can interpret that dream.
It's death.

No, no. It's all about
me leaving Hooterville.

And the best part is
it's not a dream.

You know what I'm
going to miss the most?
The Hooterville Cafe.

Best french fries in the world.

Don't worry, man.
The cafe will still be here.

Hooterville hasn't changed
for a thousand years.

Hello, Mrs. Douglas.
Good to see you again.

We've certainly missed you.
Your party's right over here.

[excitedly] Oh, Lisa!
I can't believe it.

Oh, Lisa!

I haven't seen you in ages.

[overlapping chatter]

Well, you know,
I am so glad
that I finally got here.

I almost didn't get anywhere.

Well, the taxi driver got lost.

He's only been in America
for two days.

[laughing]

And then, and then
the bus broke down

and the driver started to cry
and ran away.

And then, to top it all,

when I was walking
on the street

this man opened his coat,
and guess what he showed me.

[laughing]

Dirty Ernie.

So, now tell us, Lisa,

what brought you
back to the jungle?

Well, we came back to New York
to find our spark plugs,

our joy of living.

Senorita,your steak tartare.

No, I'm sorry,
I didn't order that.

Thank you.

Do you both remember
that lovely French restaurant

Oliver and I used to love?

Well, I am going
to take him there

for a welcome-home surprise.

He'll be surprised, all right.

Trump bought
that place years ago.

It's now the waterfall
in the bottom of his tower.

Here's your
lump crab meat, senora.

I'm sorry,
I didn't order this, either.

Actually, the steak tartare
looked much better.

Well, make up your mind.
Dios mio!

I don't know why,
but he seems upset.

Oh, which reminds me,

we bought you
a welcome-home present.

It's a New York survival kit.

Thank you. Thank you.
Ooh, what a pretty box.

What is this for?

To get a cab.

Oh. There are
so many goodies in here.

And... And this?

For when you can't get a cab.

[laughs]

Air freshener?

Oh! No, it's mace!
Don't leave home
without it.

Here's your
cold cream vichyssoise.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't order that, either.

Well, what did you
order, senora?

Nothing. We are still
waiting for the menu.

Troublemakers!
Dios mio!

The waiters here
are fabulous, aren't they?

So much character.

[scoffs] So, Lisa,
I'll bet that coming
back to civilization

has been an inspiration
for your paintings.

Oh, yes. New York
is so colorful, so inspiring.

In fact, that is the title
of my latest painting.

Oh.

Oh!

My portfolio is gone.

Well, at least someone
likes my painting.

Cheers, girls.

Cheers, darling.

[man] Where is he, Wilfred?

We've got another meeting
in 12 minutes.

[Wilfred] Don't worry
about Oliver Douglas.
He'll be here.

Hey, good morning!

Sorry I'm late.

Big traffic tie-up
on the 81st floor.

Hello, Caldwell, Fred,
Kyle, Wilfred.

How are you?

So...

Well, tell me about the case

that's giving you
all that trouble.

-Renford vs. Thaw.
-Yeah.

It's a class-action suit
against one of the largest

real estate conglomerates
in the city.

The tenants claim that
the landlord withheld heat

from December through February.

Withheld the heat?

All through
the New York winter?

Oh, we'll get
that landlord, won't we?

Douglas, we're representing
the landlord.

Why?

He's a citizen of our country,

he's innocent
until proven guilty,

and he pays us
an unbelievable retainer.

Well, that may be enough
for some people,
but not for me.

No, I... I can't have
any part of that.

Perhaps, sir,
if you knew a bit more

about the fine points
of the case.

You'll be appearing
before Judge Ellison.

Ellison. Roy Ellison?

Stinky Ellison and I
were roommates in law school.

Really? What a coincidence.

I guess then you'll be
spending a lot of time

with Judge Stinky,
uh, Ellison.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Caldwell.

I... I don't
practice law that way.

Douglas, in this office,
we work as a team.

Love what you've done
with the office, Douglas.

One suggestion,
lose the pitchfork.

[door shuts]

I didn't realize that things
had changed that much.

It's a whole
new ball game, Oliver.

But when I take on a case, I--

No, no, you don't
take on a case anymore.

A case is assigned
to you by computer.

-By computer?
-Yeah.

Yes, according
to your strengths.

Well, I won't have that.

Oh, you'll come around
to it, Ollie. I did.

By the way, Wilfred,

how are you doing
with that suit
against Mother Teresa?

Uh, fine, Caldwell. Fine.

Nail her, Wilfred!

This mud is everywhere.

I don't know
how you people live here.

Two minutes thirty.

[Daisy] Hey, Arnold,
don't go too far.

Hi, Brad.

Oh, Daisy. Hi.

You know, I was just
thinking about you.

Ah, sure you were.

Well, you know,
if you're gonna be a while,

-I'll just, I'll come back.
-No, no, don't.

I'll be done
in two minutes and, uh...

One minute forty-five.

See. You want to
help me do the inside?

No. But I'm a good watcher.

Daisy, I, I was wondering,

are there any
movie theaters around here?

There are twin cinemas
in Pixley. One of 'em
doesn't work.

[both chuckle]

Well, do you think
you'd maybe want to...

go out with me one night?

I like movies.

Great.

Well, maybe
we can have dinner first.

I like dinner.

Really?

I knew we'd have
something in common.

[laughing] Time's up!

Well, I'd better get going.

Arnold hates it when
I keep him waiting
for his bath.

-Arnold.
-[oinking]

Daisy, listen.

There's something
I have to tell you.

I'm not who you think I am.

You're married. I knew it.

I have the worst luck
this side of the Mississippi.

No, that's not it.

You do like girls, don't you?

Oh, yeah! Yes, very much.

Sometimes too much.

I'm a land developer

and we're developing
Hooterville.

Mr. Haney told me
that my farm was--

No, no. Mr. Haney was just
acting as our agent.

Daisy, Hooterville's gonna
have a whole new look.

It's gonna have high-rises
and highways

and half a million people.

You mean you're gonna
level everything

just to put up a bunch
of concrete buildings?

No, no, that's not it.

It's gonna be
a major industrial site.

And I'm heading up
the whole thing.

And I was just hoping
it wouldn't make a difference,

we could still
get to know each other.

Not on your life.

I know as much about you
as I ever need to know.

[oinking]

Arnold, he's not worth it.

[Oliver] Lisa,
do I have to do this?

Come on. Attack on me.

What if I hurt you?

Oh, you won't.

All my friends told me
I have to learn a martial art.

All right.

Oliver, I'm a lethal weapon.

Okay!

Stick 'em up, lady!
Give me those diamonds.

-Hai!
-Oh!

Oliver, it's working.

[panting]

[doorbell rings]

Oliver, you just stay
right there.

Next time, I think
I can flip you higher.

[doorbell rings]

-Are you Lisa Douglas?
-Yes.

Here. I couldn't get
a nickel for 'em.

-Oh...
-There's no complexity.
They're too mundane.

-Oh!
-Where's the passion?

Oh! "Where is the passion?"

Ooh!

Oh, Oliver, everybody's
a critic in New York,

even the thieves.

Well, it just proves

that there's still
some honest people
in New York.

Tell me, Oliver, are you
really happy in New York?

Well, I'm happy
if you're happy.

Well, that's good.

Because if you are happy,
I am happy.

Well, good night, my darling.

Mmm. Good night.

[gunshot, woman screams]

[man] Hey, you punk,
get out of here!

[man 2] Shut up,
you old man,
I'll punch you!

-[men yelling]
-[alarm ringing]

[sirens wailing]

[Daisy] You lied to us,
Mr. Haney.

We don't want
to leave Hooterville.

We would have never sold
if you hadn't scared us off

with those crazy stories.

[angry mutterings]

Quiet, quiet.

I assure you, my dear friends,
I was duped.

Them city slickers
took advantage of me, too,

and when I found out,

my eyes puddled up
and I cried like a baby.

Well, then we'll just
tell 'em the deal's off,

we changed our minds.

Oh, unfortunately, the deeds
was transferred this morning.

You all have till the end
of the month to get out.

We're not gonna stand for this.

We're gonna get
ourselves a lawyer.

Oh, a lawyer would be
too expensive.

It'd cost you
every dime you got.

Let's get a cheap lawyer.

No, a cheap lawyer
wouldn't be smart enough
to beat Armstrong.

So what we need is
a smart lawyer who works cheap.

Oliver Wendell Douglas!

Dad!

New York City, here we come!

Gosh, where do you think
all these people are going?

I don't know, but the way
they're moving,
they must be late.

Golly! I never thought
you could get dizzy just
standing on the ground.

Imagine painting
one of those suckers.

You wouldn't need
another job for
the rest of your life.

We ain't turning down no work.

Will you guys
stop acting like tourists?

-We have to find
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.
-[man] Yo. Yo.

Youse folks look smart.
Would you like to buy a watch?

Check it out.

No, all we need
right now is directions
to 255 Park Avenue.

-Can you help us?
-You don't wanna buy a watch?

No, no, no watch.
Just directions.

Go back into
Grand Central Station.

Take the shuttle.

Get off at the next stop,
7th Avenue.

Take the 7th Avenue line
and you'll be
where you wanna go.

Feels like we've been
down there for hours.

It has been hours.

Look at that!

[Eb] Golly!

-Snap my peas!
-[Arnold snorting]

[Drucker] And roll my oats.

That's as pretty
as a pink sow going uphill

in a red wagon.

Wow! How'd a city
ever get so big?

[Ralph] How do they
keep it from sinking
into the lake?

How'd we get over here?

How do we get back over there?

I knew we shouldn't have
listened to that guy
with all the watches.

I guess I better go
ask somebody else.

[Daisy] Excuse me, sir.
I know I'm disturbing you.

I know I'm a hick
and you have better things
to do with your time--

Whoa. Whoa, Sounds like
you're having a hard time
getting directions.

Where do you wanna go?

Two fifty-five Park Avenue.

You get on the "D" here
and you go two stops
to Sheridan Square.

Get off and walk
to the end of the platform.

Take the BMT local
and change at 59th
for the double "R."

You get in the last car
and you go four stops.

When you get out,
you're gonna see

an up stairway marked "Queens."
Don't take it.

Take the down stairway
and follow the signs
to the west side.

Take the IRT to 42nd,
jump on the shuttle,

take the eastside express
to 72nd,

change for the local,
pop up to 79th,

walk two blocks north,
and you're there.

We're walking.

Wait a minute. Where's Arnold?

He's over there.

[Daisy] Come on, Arnold,
stop wandering off.

Hey, mister!

Thanks!

[oinking]

How may we be of service?

I'm Dorian Pinser.

How do you do,
Mr. Doberman Pinscher.

I'm Lisa Douglas.

Uh, may I show you
my paintings?
They're all for sale.

Look, I only have a few.

I just had a chance
to make them this morning.

Only a dozen.

Is this some kind
of cruel joke?

You like them?

I loathe them.

-Oh, you poor man.
-All right, out, out.
Please, out.

[Ralph] Grown-ups sure must
like to read in this town.

Everywhere you turn
there's a bookstore for adults.

[Drucker] Look at the size
of those letters.

I can read everything
without my bifocals.

[Daisy] Well, let's move on.

[Alf] Look at all this garbage!

I guess tomorrow's pick up day.

Boy, you must feel
right at home, Arnold.

[Drucker] My feet hurt,
and all this walking

ain't helping
my varicose veins.

[Alf] Quit complaining, Sam.
The Douglas house must
be just up ahead.

[Eb] Gosh,
it's starting to rain.

I honestly don't understand
how you two did it,

all those years in the country.

What did you talk about,
crop prices?

Oh, we never had any crops.

One afternoon Eb and I
talked the whole afternoon

about whether a hawk makes
lazy circles in the sky

-or lazy ovals in the sky.
-[Lisa chuckles]

Well, I guess that's
out of my system.

Oh, I'm glad.

[Wilfred] All that "shucks"
and "gee whillikers,"

it would have driven me
right to the vodka.

What those people
do to the language!

Yeah, they're not like
us New Yorkers here.

"What you lookin' at, man?"

"End of the line, man."

What about this, Oliver?

"It's on toity-toit and toit."

[Oliver chuckles]
That's pretty good.

Taxi!

Daisy, Daisy, we've been
walkin' for another ten blocks,

and the last five of 'em
in the rain.

My feet hurt.

-There it is!
Right down there.
-Golly!

[Ralph] Do they live here
all by themselves?

We'll ask him.

May I help you folks?

We won't ask him.

Evening. We're here to see
Oliver and Lisa Douglas.

I'm afraid they're not in.

Would you care
to leave a message?

No, thanks.
We'll wait upstairs.

No one goes into that building

unless I first receive
specific instructions.

I'll give you specific
instructions, sonny.

Out of my way.
I'm going in there
to that couch.

You take one step
into that lobby, grandpapa,

and I promise you
you'll be seeing stars.

Yeah. Go ahead, Sam.
We're right behind you.

[horn honks]

None of you move.

It's them! It's them!

Oh, Lisa, look who's here!

Well, you're
a fresh of breath air!

[excited chatter]

[oinking]

How do you do, Mr. Douglas?

[overlapping chatter]

Douglas, who are these people?

Why, this is Daisy
and this is Eb

and this is Alf and Ralph

and Mr. Drucker
and Mr. Kimball!

These are our friends
from Hooterville!

And who is that, the mayor?

Why, that's our Arnold.

Come on, darling.
Come on, baby.

Did you hear her, Wilfred?
She was talking to a pig.

Come on, come on,
I want you
to meet these people.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, you got chairs
up in that penthouse?

-Yes, we've got chairs.
-Well, then let's go!

[Wilfred] We're gonna
head home, Ollie.

We should be running along.

Oh, I have to tell Ruthie.

She always said Lisa's bread
wasn't fully baked.

[Oliver] Some other time?
Good night.

Come on in.
Come on in, everybody.

How do you like it?

Wow!

I like that sofa.

Well, sit down, then,
Mr. Drucker.

[sighs]

Oh, it's so nice
to have you here.

Let me get this straight.

You say that Haney
has bought up
all of Hooterville?

Every last inch of land.

He lied to us.

I don't know how that man
has the nerve to go to church.

-He owns the church.
-And charges
two bucks admission.

Oh.

Mr. Douglas, we need a lawyer
to get our homes back.

Oh, don't you worry
about that, Daisy.

If there is a peepshole
in the contract,

Mr. Douglas
is going to find it.

Wait a minute. I don't, uh...

My firm really doesn't...

Will you help us?

Oliver, does that mean a yes?

Yes. Yes, that means a yes.

The heck with the firm.

We're gonna find
Mr. Mitchell Armstrong

and we're gonna put a stop
to this thing right now.

Good, good.

[woman screams]

Get away! Get away!

[screams]

Oh, get away! Get away!

He's not going to bite you.

He's just trying to tell you
how pretty you are.

Miss Bader...

would you please
get off that chair?

Yes, sir. I'm sorry.

What's going on here?

I mean, who are you people?

Mr. Armstrong,
my name is Oliver Douglas.

-This is my wife Lisa.
-Hello.

I represent
the people of Hooterville,

who were tricked
into selling their farms

by your agent, one Mr. Haney.

Oh, well, now,
that's impossible.

I mean, Armstrong
Development Corporation

simply does not conduct
its business in that manner.

Nonetheless, it happened.

I know, I know what it is.

I know exactly what it is.

You see, I put my son
in charge of this project.

That's it.
Probably in a burst
of eagerness

to please the old man,
he just went too far.

Oh, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my apologies.

If you don't want to sell,
we don't want to buy.

You mean, you mean
you're going to
give us back our deeds?

But of course, my dear,
absolutely.

Just as soon as I can get
my lawyers on the telephone.

Ooh!

Well, well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Did you hear that, everyone?

[excited shouts]

All right, folks. All right.
Just calm down, calm down.

Even though I'm giving up
this Hooterville project,

I want you to know
that this is still
a business establishment.

Yes, yes, come on, everybody,
we'll celebrate.

[excited chatter]

Come on, Arnold.

Mr. Armstrong, it's been
a real pleasure doing
business with you.

I'll expect
a letter of confirmation.

-Bye-bye.
-[oinking]

[Lisa] Come on, Arnold.

Bye!

This is E. Mitchell.

Yeah. I want those bulldozers

over to Hooterville
immediately.

Level it.

[laughs wickedly]

[car horn honking]

Oh, Oliver,
I'm so proud of you.

You were wonderful.

-Yeah, I was, wasn't I?
-[Lisa chuckles]

-I never had so much fun
practicing law in years.
-[laughter]

Listen everybody,

Mr. Douglas is going
to take us to lunch.

Yeah, yeah.
The World Trade Center.

Oh, we don't have
to walk, do we?

Not if there are taxis.

Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

[blows whistle] Come on, taxi.

Oliver.

Oliver. Hurry up, Oliver.

[driver] Where to, shorty?

[oinking]

[Daisy] Arnold.

Arnold! Stop!

-Arnold! Arnold!
-Arnold!

[yelling]

[all yelling]

-[Daisy] Arnold!
-[Eb] Arnold, come back.

[Drucker] Come back!

Uh, officer, we need
to report a missing--

Name?

Arnold Ziffel.

[police officer] Age?

Uh, officer,
if I could explain.

One at a time, please.
One at a time.

-Miss?
-Five years old.

-What was he wearing?
-Nothing.

Hates clothes, huh?
My little guy's the same way.

If I could just interrupt
for one--

Quiet!

Miss, don't you worry.
We're going to find your boy.

We're talking about a pig!

Hey, my kid's a slob, too.

Follow me over to that
policeman and give him
a detailed description.

No, officer, uh...

[indistinct chatter]

No, the nose is flatter
and the ears more pointy.

All due respect, Miss,

he's beginning
to look like a--

Pig! That's what
I've been trying to tell you.

[playing harmonica]

Oh, look. Look! There he is.

Arnold!

Arnold!

[Drucker] Hey, Arnold!
Arnold!

[squealing]

Oh, no!

[Alf] Hey, put him down!
Arnold, don't go...
Get outta there.

Arnold!

They're going to
sweet and sour him!

Arnold is not just a pig!
He's a member of the family!

He just jumped
into a taxi and--

Th-th-that's all, folks.

He jumped into the taxi,
and the next...

Come on, everybody,
I found it.

Hurry up. Come on.
Hurry up.

Oh, no! Arnold?

[squealing from inside]

Arnold!

-Oh, oh, don't do that!
-No!

Out of kitchen!

Aah!

[yelling in Chinese]

Chef, darling,
do you speak English?

[yells] Ai!

Do you do takeout?

Yeah, sure.

We'll take that one.

[Eb] Hi, Flo, honey.

Eb! Hi, sweetie.

Boy, have I got news for you.

You got any news for me?

No, not yet.

But soon.

What?
We don't have to move?

Mr. Armstrong
backed right down?

I know it's 'cause
you're there, Eb.
I just know it.

Wait until I tell...
Jeb, it's your daddy.

We won.
Construction's been canceled.

No, it hasn't, Dad.

There's bulldozers and trucks

and construction crews
all over town.

Everything's changing.
Hooterville's finished.

But Mr. Armstrong
said that--

Dad, come on home
and let's get packed up

and move someplace cool.

Later, son.

Mr. Armstrong lied to us.

There are construction crews
all over Hooterville!

Well, they can't
do that to us.

Aren't there such things
as writs and injunctions

and court orders?

That's right, Mr. Douglas.
Let's habeas him
right on his corpus.

No, no, that won't work.
I've read the contract.

I've reread the contract.
I've re-reread the contract.

It's an ironclad contract.
I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, Oliver.

If there was a way,
you would have found the will.

Well, there's nothing
left to do

except go back
to Hooterville and pack.

Well, I'm not walking
all the way back
to that train station.

Me, neither. I want to get home
as soon as I can.

[Daisy] God,
it just doesn't seem fair,

us being the losers
and Armstrong the winner.

Oliver, do you remember
Count Yankovic?

That guy from Budapest

with the goose grease
in his hair?

Yes. Yes, the handsome nobleman
who wanted to marry me.

And you wanted me, too.

You challenged him.

Do you remember what happened?

Yes. He broke my knee
in three places.

It still hurts now
when it rains.

But you won!
Because you never said ankle.

Uncle.

Well, the point is
that to me,

Mr. Armstrong is just
another Count Goose Flesh.

Well, thanks, you two.

No, Daisy, wait.
Lisa's right.

We're saying ankle...

I mean uncle too quickly.

Okay, maybe we can't defeat
Armstrong in the courts.

That doesn't mean
we have to give up.

We can fight.
We will fight!

Armstrong may have
the deeds to our farms,

but not to our spirits,

our dreams, our future!

Those cannot be sold!

Oliver, your spark plugs
are back!

Right!

[Oliver over megaphone]
All right, everyone,
once again...

[all chanting]
Save our town!
Put Armstrong down!

Save our town!
Put Armstrong down!

Save our town!
Put Armstrong down!

Save our town!
Put Armstrong down!

Save our town!

Come on, son.
This is your town.
Join the fight.

Why should I, Dad?

If you stop them,
all I get is Hooterville.

At least they're
making the town better.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Bigger maybe,
but not better.

Man, this is our home.
I grew up here.
You grew up here.

Dad, you have to
make way for progress.

I'm sorry
you feel that way, Jeb,
'cause one of these days

you're gonna want
to come back here
and it'll be gone.

And maybe then you'll
realize that Hooterville
was worth fighting for.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Hang in there, buddy.

This whole thing is making
me lose my appetite.

Save our town!
Put Armstrong down!

Save our town!
Put Armstrong down!

-Save our town!
-Traitor!

[Oliver over Megaphone]
Mr. Haney,
you're not welcome here!

Oh, now, Mr. Douglas,
you've got it all wrong.

I'm here
to lend my support.

[jeering]

You take that sign
and that truck and yourself

-and get out of here!
-[all] Yeah!

I knew you was going to be
hard to deal with.

Okay, 10% discount
for the first three customers.

[booing]

Twenty percent discount?

[booing]

Carry your suitcase
for a quarter?

[booing]

Ladies and gentlemen,
you're all wasting your time.

Just go home.

[man] You go home!

This is all a big mistake.
You're making
a very big mistake.

Hi, Dad.

The situation's
got out of control.
Haven't I taught you anything?

I was just trying
to convince--

Don't talk back
to me, sonny.

You're off this job.

I want you to go
back to that hotel
and start packing.

-Dad, I was just
trying to--
-Move it!

Bedford!

All right, let's go,
bring on that squad.
I want to see it now.

Come on, move it!
Deploy, deploy!

[yelling]

All right, you cowards,
go ahead, shoot.

Shoot an old man
trying to defend his home.

-Yeah, shoot him.
-[woman] No, no!

You people,

you're all trespassing.

We are not leaving!
You cannot intimidate us!

And you can't
scare us, either.

-[woman 1] Yeah!
-[woman 2] That's right!

Well, I already have,
Mr. Douglas.

You know, smart people
are willing to accept
their defeats.

What's your problem?

This isn't about
winning or losing.

It's about families,
homes, tradition.

The very backbone
of our entire country!

You've got quite a way
with words, Mr. Douglas.

Write a book.

He's the organizer.
Put him in jail.

No, not Mr. Douglas!

Not so fast, Mr. Armstrong.

You know, Mr. Douglas
might be right.

He said you have all the money
and all the machines
in the world,

But we have the love
of our land behind us,

and no bulldozer's
stronger than that.

Arrest him.

[Daisy] No! No!

He's not the organ grinder.
I am.

Now what are you
going to do about it?

Well, in that case,
we'll just forget about him.

Arrest her! Now!

Oh! Oh!
Don't you touch me!

[Lisa] Oh, Oliver,
I'm so upset.

[Oliver] Keep your
spirits up now.

The fight's not over.

Oh, it isn't about the fight.
It's about my blouse.

The polka dots are clashing
with the bars.

Well, close your eyes, dear.

I'm trying to think
of what to do next.

I told Vito this town
wasn't ready for me,

but he wouldn't listen.

He said the place
was expanding.

"Peaches," he said,
"you gotta get here early,

establish yourself a corner,
build up a clientele."

So look what happens.
I get here,
there is no corner,

and the lone ranger out there
hauls me in!

Well, why don't you
forget about all that

and get yourself
a nice indoor job?

Oh, I do
my best work indoors.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

This one is mine, honey.

Okay, honey, don't shoot.

Hey, Arnold.

Daisy, don't go.

Uh, I'm leaving.
For good.

I just came to say goodbye.

Bye.

Uh, I was wondering
if maybe you wanted

to walk me
to the train station.

I wouldn't walk two feet
with you, Brad Armstrong.

Knowing you has been
nothing but bad news to me.

[oinking]

Whoa!

You're never gonna
make your train

if you keep stopping
to rest every five minutes.

Could you give me a hand?

Whoa!

[laughing]

You see,
the country and me,
we just don't mix.

I don't know.

You know,
you just have to be willing

to get a little bit dirty.

[laughing]

See that old oak tree?

That's where I used to wait
for the school bus.

I went to boarding school.

-Oh, did you hate it?
-No, I loved it.

It was home I hated.

Smell that?

[sniffs] No.

It's newly mown hay.

Go on and fill
your lungs up with it.

Daisy, it'll only
make me sneeze.

No, try it.
Like this.

[inhales]

[exhales]

[laughs]

Well, I suppose
I could give it a try.

[inhales]

[exhales]

That was great.

Thanks.

I'll think of you
every time I breathe.

Don't want
to miss your train.

It really is
beautiful out here.

And soon it'll all be gone,

replaced by foul air

and dirty water
and big industry.

No, it won't, Daisy.

I'm not gonna
let that happen.

It is, huh?
Real good.

Okay, Fred.

Yep.
Call you back, Harvey.

We have to talk.

Look at you.
You're disgusting.

Dad, you have to cancel
the Hooterville project.

Dad doesn't have
to do anything he
doesn't want to do.

There are plenty of places
where people want
to sell the land.

Why not build there?

Because I've targeted
this place.

Because I think
I've hit a bull's-eye.

Because there's lots of time
and money invested.

Now, unless you have something
more worthwhile to talk about,

will you forgive me,
I want to inspect my property.

Well, now, Dad,
you listen to me.

I've always gone along
with everything you've said

because, well,
I always thought
you were right.

But this time
you've made a mistake.

There are good people here,
and you're hurting them deeply.

But it's not too late.
You can call the board,

call 'em up in New York

And tell 'em
you're canceling
this project.

Go on, Dad, do it!

You know, I've waited
20 years for you

to stand up to me, son.

I'm proud of you.

Then you'll do it?

Not on your life.

Now you get out
of here before I call
the State Troopers.

Go on!

Uh, Timmy.

I want to speak to you.

I told you,
don't call me Timmy.

I'm Sheriff Bedford.
Is my badge on straight?

Yes, but your chest
is crooked.

I insist that you release us

on our own
recognizance.

Sorry, I can't hear you.

You have no right
to hold us here!

A complaint
has been lodged.

We have to speak to the judge,
and he is away fishing.

Oh.

Mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas,
you have to help me.

We have to stop my father.

Well, of course we do.

Just tell him to build
his town someplace else.

I did.
I just came from there.

But nobody can
tell my father anything.

Why, is he
hard of listening?

Now, hold it right there, you.
This is a...

Oh, good evening,
Mr. Armstrong.

And how is your father
doing this evening?

You tell him thanks
for that cd player.

-I'll do that, Sheriff Bedford.
-Call me Timmy.

Listen, my father has
a message for you, too, Timmy.

Um, he's dropping
the complaints
against the Douglases.

You can release them
immediately.

Anything you say.

Excuse me.

Okay, you mug shots,
you're free... for now.

"Mug shots."

Mr. Douglas,
we need a plan fast.

I think it's time
we pulled a few strings.

Oliver, darling,
don't blame yourself.

If anybody could have
gotten Hootersville back,
it was you.

Come on, darling.

Loosen up.

Your neck is full of knots
and I can't un-knots them.

I thought my plan
would work, Lisa.

I was sure
the Governor would listen.

Hooterville carried him
in the last election.

How could you know
that the governor

was Mr. Armstrong's cousin?

Ah, what's the use?

Tomorrow we'll be
on a train to New York

and all this
will be behind us.

Hey, what's going on?
Let's check it out.

Hey, kids, you gotta move
away from them stakes.

Why?

Bulldozers are coming in
to grade this piece of land,
fill in the pond.

Maybe my dad is right.

Hey, cut it out!

You can keep putting them
back in the ground if you want,

but I'm just gonna
pull 'em out again.

My dad, he taught me
how to swim in that pond.

My friends and I,

we built our first tree house
in that tree.

I'm glad you had
a beautiful life.

But you pull one more stake
out of the ground,

and I'll put it
through your heart.

You don't scare me, mister.

Touch him, mister,
and you answer to us.

Who do you think you are?

We're the kids
from Hooterville.

Yeah, that's right.

And proud of it.

You're gonna have to
go over us to get by.

[sneezes]

Don't worry.
Your nose will calm down

just as soon as you get
back to the city.

Oh, I'm really looking
forward to that.

So, have you given
any thought to where
you're going?

Mmm. California, maybe.

-[sneezes]
-Or Oregon.

They say they have a real long
growing season out there.

What about New York?

Me in the city, yeah,
what would I do?

Well, there's lots
you could do.

You could open up
a nursery.

You could
do landscaping,

Custom work on terraces.

Then we could get married
and you could

open up a store
all over the city. And, uh...

Once that gets going,

you could maybe
write a book
on landscaping.

Whoa, whoa, Brad,
slow down.

Do you want to just say that
one more time, please?

Sure. You could
open up a nursery

and maybe do
some landscaping--

No, not that far back.

You mean the part about
you and me getting married?

Yeah, that's the one.

Daisy, will you marry me?

Oh, Brad.

[sneezes]

Gesundheit.
Oh, dear.

-Guess what!
-What?

Brad and I are getting married.

Hey. How about that?
That's wonderful news.

He's going to treat you
like a queen

for the rest of your life,

As long as you put him
on the throne.

I'm gonna write Mr. Haney
a thank-you note.

I mean, after all, it was
his phony earthquake scheme

that brought Brad and me
together anyway.

You mean it was
Haney's fault?

[laughter]

Oliver, are you thinking
what I am thinking?

I doubt that.

Because if I am thinking
what you are thinking,

then I am thinking
that I think

we might not
have to think anymore.

What do you think?

What are you think...
What are you talking about?

Come over here.
Fabulous idea.

[rumbling]

[whipping noises]

It's working!

[glass shatters]

[screams]

Come on, honey.
Come on.

That's it,
we're leaving!

You didn't mention
in the brochure
that you had earthquakes!

Earthquakes?
In Hooterville?

Impossible!

Come on, dear.

No refund on the weekly rate.

[Oliver] That's the stuff.
Now you're going.

Louder! Louder!

That's it.
Give it to 'em.

I'll get you for this, Haney,
you son of a snake.
I'll get you.

For what?

For what?

For not telling me
this whole town's
built on a fault.

I assure you, Mr. Armstrong,

Hooterville is
solid as a rock.

I don't know
what's going on here.

Why, you're a bigger liar
than I am, Haney!

Argh!

Stop it! Stop it!

-Hold it!
-[whistles]

This whole project
is canceled!

If the people of Hooterville

want this shaky ground
so much, they can have it!

Ah!

Wake up, you lout!
We're leaving!

Good evening, Mr. Armstrong.

Lovely evening here
in Hooterville, isn't it?

What are you talking about?
We just had a major earthquake.

That little tickle?

Oh, you should be here
when we have the big tickle.

What? This sort of thing
goes on all the time?

Sure.

Why do you think everyone
sold out so fast?

Oh, there's something wrong
with you people.

Not anymore. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Whoo!

Have a good trip!

[cheering]

-There you are.
Where's Lisa?
-I don't know.

We're gonna miss that train.

Lisa?

I'm sorry, darling.

I was putting on
the finishing touches.

What is it?

I painted you a painting
to hang in your office

Instead of the pitchfork.

Oh, oh, one of your
New York skyline pictures.

That's very thoughtful of you.
Thank you.

Darling, you don't want
my skylines. Look.

Green Acres!

Oh, that's beautiful.

Do you really like it?

Oh, yeah. I didn't know you
could paint anything like this.

Well, I discovered
what I was doing wrong.

I wasn't painting
from my heart.

That's where
my spark plugs are,

painting
what I really love.

[Eb] Come on, Mom and Dad,
we'd better get going.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Lisa, did you say
you loved Green Acres?

Yes, I...
I guess I really do.

I thought
you loved New York.

Well, I love you.

And I said that
I loved New York because
you are so happy there.

I'm miserable!

I just pretended
I loved New York
because I thought you did.

Well, if we both love it here,
why are we going there?

Yeah! Why are we going
to New York?

We're not going to New York.

All right!

Mr. Haney, Mr. Haney.

I want to buy back
Green Acres.

I had a feeling you
was gonna have a change
of heart, Mr. Douglas.

I got the bill of sale
right there.

Oh!

What's the matter,
spell your name wrong?

-Oh!
-What's so, "oh."

This is three times

what you paid for it
just last month!

Well, I've made a lot
of major improvements.

What improvements?

That skylight
in the living room.

Skylight? The roof fell in!

And the landscaping alone.

Landscaping?
You drove a bulldozer

across my front yard!

Well, just the same,
improvements are improvements.

Yes, they are,
if you have the permits.

Mr. Kimball.

Aren't there
some serious fines

for making improvements
without permits?

Oh, yeah, serious.

Uh, well, yeah,
a lot more than serious.

-They're costly.
-Costly?

Well, maybe not costly--

And, Mr. Kimball,
wouldn't you say

that a smart man
would do much better

by unloading
his property quickly

rather than running up
those costly fines?

Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, I'd unload that
property right now, Mr. Haney.

Well, maybe not right now...

Yeah, right now
with that pre-permit price.

Without making a profit?

Oh, I do believe
I'd better sit down.

Mr. Douglas, it's a d-d-d...

He says it's a deal!

[cheering]

You did it, Dad!
You did it, Mom!

We sure did.

All right, yeah!

I'm sure glad you're
gonna be around, grandpa.

You, too, grandma.

Call me Mrs. Douglas.

Mrs. Douglas. Yeah!

Come on, guys,
let's go to the pond.

-See you later.
-See you later.

See you later.

-Nice bit of negotiating,
Mr. Douglas.
-Thank you, Brad.

Welcome home, neighbor.

Ohh! Thank you, Daisy.

Come on, Brad,
let's go back inside

and do some...
More weeding.

Boy, do I love the country!

Oliver, why don't you and I
go and do some weeding?

Oh, for... Okay!

Boy, oh, boy,
this has been
some day, huh?

Ah! Ah!
It's not over yet!

Golly!

Triplets?

No wonder she looked
like an overstuffed strudel.

-Hello, Eleanor.
-[Eleanor moos]

I guess we owe Eb
another three acres.

Oh, Oliver,

you will have to
have a word with Eb.

If he's going to have
any more babies,

we'll end up living
in the tool shed.

Lisa, home!

Oh...

I think I should
carry you over the...

Some other time, huh?

[laughs]

Oh!

Exactly the way
we left it.

Yes, yes.
It's beautiful.

Yes, just exactly...

Whoa!

Oliver, what are you doing
in the root cellar?

Argh!

Ouch.

-Oliver...
-[Arnold oinking]

Arnold says welcome home.

Welcome home, Lisa.

Welcome home,
my darling.