Reno 911!: It's a Wonderful Heist (2022) - full transcript
After receiving a visit from a special "Christmas Angel", Lieutenant Dangle will see what life in Reno would be like if he had never been born.
Dear heavenly Father,
Jim Dangle is a good fella.
Please look after him tonight.
Lord, please look after
the lieutenant tonight.
He's in a tough spot.
God, please,
when will I get my period?
Oh, and if you get a minute,
could you look after
my friend Jim Dangle?
He looks like
he's kind of losing it.
Oh, Lord.
What a year!
I got weasel pox
and then I got
rebound weasel pox,
and then I bought
all that cryptocurrency
because of that excellent
commercial with Matt Damon.
And then I finally got that
Alanis Morissette tramp stamp
that I wanted,
and the guy spelled it...
so close, but not...
Not exactly right.
Oh, hey, sir?
Please don't fuck my bicycle.
That's my bike
that you're fucking, sir.
Hey, sir? Sir?
OK, guess what?
Joke's on you, that bike seat
has weasel pox on it.
Oh, Lord.
If there was ever
a Christmas angel out there,
I sure could use one tonight.
- Bee!
- Ahh! Oh, my God!
Terry?
No, it's a Christmas angel.
It's Terry as a Christmas angel.
Yeah, that's my name.
- You got new skates.
- Yeah.
You put mistletoe on your...
On my gennies.
All the elves gather around,
and then they rub it
and then I make a candy cane
and then snow comes out
in their face.
- Terry.
- What?
I'm just having
the worst year ever.
I hate to say this,
but wouldn't the world be better
if maybe I'd just
never been born?
How can you say that?
I just did, with my mouth,
out into your face.
Lieutenant Dangle, do you
want to see what Reno would
be like if you were never born?
Show me, Terry.
What do I have to do?
It's real simple.
Just hold on
to my jingle berries.
Is this a... your trick...
No, this is a trick.
No, it's not.
OK.
Where there's a will,
there's a way.
Oh, my gosh.
Is that... no!
Yes.
♪ ♪
Trudy?
Yes.
She's incomparable.
♪ ♪
Trudy!
No, she can't hear you.
Remember, you were never born.
♪ ♪
Is that Rizzo?
Rizzo!
Rizzo, It's Jim!
He can't hear you.
Oh, right.
♪ ♪
Not on my watch.
Go!
Yeah!
Thank you, everyone!
My name is Trudy Wiegel.
I love each
and every one of you!
Let's see what Jones
is like if you were never born.
Show me no more!
Show me no...
Holy snot.
Jones is the mother-effing
Sunday front-of-house manager
at the mother-effing
Melting Crock?
- Oh, yeah.
- My God.
Hot-cha.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
They love him so much.
He's worshipped.
All right, let's fon-do this!
Where? Why?
Is that Kimball?
I would do literally anything
if you would get us a table
sooner than 45 minutes.
Well, maybe I can accommodate
you and your little pussy.
Oh, there isn't a cat
in this cat carrier.
There's a snake.
And I have a doctor's note
that says I'm allowed
to bring it into restaurants.
Table's ready.
Boy, it sure is.
Kimball's hot,
and she owns a snake?
Yes.
See, this is what
their lives are like
if you were never born
and fucked everything up!
No.
No!
Terry, don't show me any more.
- Wait till we see Clemmy.
- No!
- And this time...
- No!
- Brace yourself.
- No.
No!
No.
No!
Terry, no!
Not Clementine!
It's real!
She was the only photogenic one!
And she also owes me $1,500
for spray tan sessions
that we were going to split,
and then she was like,
I'll use half and you use half.
No, Terry, no!
Yes, look at her.
And that's how elegant
you would look in this,
the Cadillac of all coffins.
Did I mention it has Bluetooth
in case you're buried alive
and want to talk
to someone about it,
or listen to a podcast?
Hi, Clemmy!
She can't hear you, remember?
I've told you that.
Sounds expensive.
Maybe you've seen
my brand new Suzuki Outback
with optional roof rack outside.
You're rich, bitch.
I'm the best coffin salesman
in the Sierras.
I know that's right.
For some reason,
all my husbands keep dying.
Wah, wah.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Oh!
You know what I really want
to do right now?
What?
Listen to
the Chipmunks' "Greatest Hits"
and go pee on Terry.
I would love to pee on Terry
and listen to the Chipmunks.
♪ Pee on Terry
and listen to the Chipmunks ♪
- ♪ Alvin ♪
- ♪ Simon ♪
♪ Theodore ♪
♪ I said, Alvin ♪
Both: ♪ Simon and Theodore ♪
Alvin. Simon.
Ahh!
Urine! Urine!
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
- What? Oh, my gosh!
- Oh. Oh.
Terry!
What?
Oh!
Where's all the pee
I was promised
by the girls with big boobs?
I think you were projecting
all of that.
I just heard a bell ringing.
Oh, my gosh.
Every time a bell rings,
an angel gets a tug job.
From?
Not me.
I've been to Tug Jobs Anonymous.
I'm in there right now.
Don't tell anybody.
Who else is in it with you?
It's me
and Gary Busey's mailman.
- Terry!
- God! What?
What day is it?
Oh, my God!
It's only a couple days
till Christmas!
Then there's still time!
There's still time
to get peed on!
Uh, and... and/or other things.
- Right, but mainly peed on.
- Go.
Just go.
Go, go, go, go, go,
- Asparagus?
- Go.
- Eat asparagus.
- Go.
Merry Christmas,
dirty old pervert man!
Fuck this place.
Merry Christmas, Reno!
Merry Christmas, weed store!
Merry Christmas,
you old dildo shop!
Merry Christmas,
Soup on a Stick!
Merry Christmas,
frozen dildo shop!
Merry Christmas,
Genital Decorators!
Merry Christmas,
paint-your-own dildo shop!
Merry Christmas,
Animal Butt Plugs!
Terry?
Were we supposed
to get going, Terry?
Anyway, your lives were great.
Good morning, gang.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Uh, this week's briefings
are brought to you
by Fugly Nubs, the app that gets
horrifyingly ugly
yet very usable parts
of chickens directly to you.
Wait, what?
The way you eat a chicken,
it's skinned, and the pieces...
I've never considered
them attractive.
Well, I'm sorry.
The fine print says,
uh, "Parts of chickens
that aren't even usable
in Mexican restaurants."
It sounds like this company
isn't selling you
parts that are unattractive,
they're selling you parts that
you normally would not eat.
Like a triple beak.
It's sort of like when you
buy a box of fabric remnants,
but this is, like,
all cysts and...
- And gizzards.
- And gizzards.
If you fry it real hard...
Yeah.
You... you... you don't even notice.
It's all coming out
the same hole, you know?
There... actually,
that is actually their new...
Uh, their new tagline.
"Fugly Nubs.
It's all coming out
the same hole.
What do you care?"
So...
Did everybody get
the script I wrote
for our new Junior Deputy
Pageant this year?
- Yes, we did.
- Yeah.
Do I get to be
the lead this year?
Read the script!
Are you playing Jesus again?
Yes.
We didn't need to read it
to find that out.
Everybody, please be off-book.
We're going to rehearse
as much as we can.
You want us to memorize
this whole thing?
No, just your lines.
We all have
to remember her lines?
Damn, how long is this play?
We haven't timed it yet.
It's long.
But I mean, if you guys have
ideas for trims, obviously,
if you have ideas for trims...
I just skimmed it, and
I feel like the second half...
You didn't skim it.
Or the last three quarters
could go.
Everybody, please
read the script.
Cindy, did you read the script?
Mm-hmm!
- What did you think?
- Amazing.
Perfect.
Thank you.
That's the only feedback I want.
Please sign your nudity
waivers, be ready to go.
I agree to and accept
all nudity in regards
to this production, because
I am a fan of the truth.
All right.
We're not allowed to do it this
year... you know how we did it
in the parking lot
last year, and then
we did it at the
fire station, and
the fire station is mad at us.
We don't... we don't
technically have a venue.
Smells there.
Jim, if we do have to do
it in the parking lot again,
can we scare away that
lady with the birds?
The scary lady
who has the birds?
Is the... are the birds with her?
Uh, I think
they're all together.
Yeah, she seems to be
able to control them.
That was last year's
Junior Deputy Pageant.
I was also thinking, who's the
scary guy with the big thing
that he was running around?
Oh, the big black wang.
Yeah.
Does everybody see
the extremely sad man
at the window?
Oh, my God.
Don't look, don't
look, don't look.
Uh, make believe
we don't see him.
I don't want to start working.
He looks so sad.
- He'll go away.
- It seems official.
It seems official.
No, no, Jimmy, come on!
It's our job.
Hey, I don't like
our job either.
Hi, can I... oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Hi. Sir?
Are you OK?
No, come in, come in, come in.
Sir. Sir.
Sir.
Oh, my... wait.
Do I know you?
It is I.
Oh, my God! Are you...
Mr. Christopher Richnickie
from the Sierra Nugget Mall commercials.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, your commercials!
♪ The mall that you love ♪
♪ When you're
on a fixed budget ♪
♪ You remember it
from its famous... ♪
♪ Silver nugget ♪
That's you!
Yep.
That used to be a great mall.
Thank you.
Uh, it's a great mall!
Someone has been
sending me ransom notes...
A lunatic.
He's trying to kidnap
my silver nugget
right from my mall.
They've been calling.
They have been sending notes.
They have been absolutely
terrorizing me,
and I don't know why.
I refinanced the whole mall
on that nugget.
If I lose that nugget,
I lose everything.
Gimme. Gimme.
I... I... I'm going to make one
of those string boards.
I'm on this. I got this.
Give me that.
So many terrible things
have happened.
We've had to make so many
cutbacks at the mall.
This is great.
This is great.
It looks like I'm going to be
playing Santa Claus this year...
- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh.
This is the real thing.
They've got the cutouts,
the letters.
And every one of them says
Christopher Richnickie.
Do you know how long that takes?
And he cut out every
fucking letter of that name.
Mr. Richnickie, one
of the stupidest people
I've ever met
in my entire life...
He's talking about me.
Just had an incredible idea.
We're looking for a venue
to do our annual
Christmas pageant
for the little Junior Deputies.
If we could do it at
the Sierra Nugget Mall,
we could be there in person
to protect your nugget
from these would-be bandits.
Yes.
But a pageant would bring
customers to my mall.
- It could.
- That would help me!
A wonderful pageant.
And also having you there
to protect the nugget...
That's right.
It's like sticking a wolf
right in the henhouse.
- Thank you!
- This is serendipity!
Thank you,
female Pee-wee Herman!
Yes.
Well, this is
a Christmas miracle!
You will give us a venue
for our pageant,
and we will do the thing that is
by definition our job,
which is protect your property.
This is magnificent.
And if all goes well,
we could pick anything
we want from the mall!
That's not allowed.
Going to be great. Thank you.
This has been
the worst year of my life.
Wow, you really keep...
- My wife has lupus.
- Yeah.
OK, goodbye.
I actually feel like
this has been resolved,
and you could probably
leave now.
We... we... we haven't agreed...
She can't stand me,
and all I am is nice.
Oh.
Doctors can't even do that.
So if you're asking us
to kill her...
Said you were going
to do it, now do it!
I just listen to this every day?
Every day.
A couple of times
a day if you can,
and while you go to sleep.
Let it get in there subliminally.
And that is how
you live your best life.
I can Venmo you.
I'm going to give it to you
as an act of generosity.
- You're the best.
- Oh, I know who this is.
Sheriff's Department!
Um, there's nobody in this box.
- Hi, Jackie.
- Jackie!
Jackie's not here.
Please... please leave
a message at the tone.
OK, hang on one second.
Telephone call for Jackie,
the transient who's nesting
in the book deposit box.
Hello?
- Jackie?
- Yes?
Hi, it's Jim from
the Sheriff's Department.
Oh, hi.
Why didn't you just say so?
Ni... happy Christmas
and nice for you
to see me again.
Hi, Jackie.
Can you come out and talk to us
about some business
opportunities?
The yearbook photo of Jackie,
that's actually it.
- Right in...
- Oh, hey, guys.
How's it going?
Have you ever been
to Marseilles?
I'm going to put it
all on blue and let it ride.
One time I was in Marseilles,
and, uh...
The tide...
When the tide goes out...
- Oh, shit!
- It smells like this?
- That's it. That's exactly it.
- Oh, my God.
But you've got to be there
at low tide in, like, August...
Late August, September.
Marseilles.
Jackie, we're pulling you
on five.
- We're pulling you out.
- On the count of four.
- One...
- Five. Go!
- Two... God!
- Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I got it.
I got it.
OK, I'm good.
Got her. Got her. Got her.
Did everybody know
that it was me?
Surprise!
We all knew it was you.
Oh, Clemmy.
Yes.
She... she says
it's a Christmas miracle.
I just wanted
to see my friend Jackie
because she's my inspiration,
both sociology-wise
and spiritually.
Yeah.
Not to mention,
look at the fashion.
Oh, shit.
She was Miss Nevada
a long time ago.
There's possum shit in my boots.
You want to tell us
about this little, uh,
business you've started
over here?
Oh, I'm not pulling books
out of this for sale, for sure.
These are for charity.
Two for 10, five for 4,
16 for 22.
52 for three wallet-sized.
- OK.
- You're just doing work...
But you can't get your inventory
from the Reno Public Library.
These are all library books.
We know that's what you
did 'cause it says that.
How much is this one?
Oh, this one is so...
Don't put... don't go
for my penis, please.
This one is very...
You were leaning
right towards my...
What?
I wasn't trying to.
- Yeah, you were.
- Listen.
There's no free blowjobs
on Christmas!
Do you want me to...
I'm going to cuff you
for your own protection, OK?
Just casually, casually.
Oh, look at this!
She's being so lovely.
Here's the problem.
But don't... don't... Jackie!
Deedle-eedle-eedle-ee.
Jackie, I just
don't want to see...
Jackie.
Look at all these dollars.
Surprise.
You cannot just creep up
on a lady at Christmas time...
Put that under
your vagina, please.
And expect... oh, no.
Is something crawling out?
No.
You stay in there.
You'll be safe.
Are you talking to your snatch?
Mm-hmm.
Have you met her?
She's not friendly.
We could either get her
in the vehicle.
Mm-hmm.
Or if we get her
all the way into the box,
then she's
the library's problem.
Let's get her in the vehicle.
This is gross.
They're going to get mad.
Let's get her in the vehicle.
Why don't you come
to the car with me?
I have pickles.
That's fine. I'll do that.
I'm allowing you to hold this.
I'm allowing you to hold this!
Stop it. Stop it.
- All of this!
- Oh, fuck!
Oh, look.
This is my Christmas dress.
Is that your... oh,
that is very Christmassy.
I can't see in my right eye,
but it's...
I think it's fine.
Santa is going
to stuff you right
in this little thing here.
Santa's gonna stuff me?
- Yeah. You're good.
- Yeah.
Don't... stop.
I've been dreaming about this.
Stop it.
I've been dreaming about this!
Santa, stuff it!
Here.
Oh, Santa, Santa.
Oh, what child is this?
And God bless us, every one.
Record time getting her
into the thing.
Don't you think?
- Because we listened...
- Because we listened!
- To affirmations.
- The affirmations!
- Yeah.
- I think it helped.
Still there.
So Dangle has us patrolling
the mall in shifts
to, um, keep an eye
on the nugget,
to make sure that
nobody steals it.
I think Mr. Richnickie is just
being a little bit paranoid,
and, quite frankly,
a little bit dramatic,
about someone wanting
to steal the silver nugget.
I mean, it's like, why would
anybody want this thing?
Right?
What is it made of, cake?
Actually, has anybody checked?
Because they are making
some pretty weird shit
out of cake lately.
If you want something stolen,
put it in a display like this.
If you put it...
You're begging for it.
You're begging for it.
I would steal this.
I would steal this
and I would sell it
in my Etsy shop
for $25,000 plus shipping,
calling it a meteor.
And someone would buy it.
You're right.
Oh, no!
- Whoa!
- Hey, hey, hey!
Oh! Oh!
First my wife
has lupus, now this?
Wait, that's what
you called us here for?
No!
Someone put
a live adult male chimp
inside of my Santa sack!
You put a... whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Get back! Get back!
Stay away from my nugget,
you dirty monkey!
Where'd he go?
Hey, hey, hey. This is Jones.
Uh, I'm at
the Sierra Nugget Mall.
I need backup.
We've been chimp-sacked.
- Chimp-sacked, copy.
- What?
Explain to them what happened.
Where'd he go?
- I don't know.
- What happened?
- We lost him.
- We lost him.
- Excuse us.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Watch it.
- Jim!
- Excuse me.
- Jim, right here!
- Careful.
- What's up?
We're getting chimp-sacked?
Yeah, we got chimp-sacked.
How do you know this term,
chimp-sacked?
We got an adult male chimpanzee
in a sack or a satchel,
some kind of bag.
Chimp-sack.
What's there to not understand?
It's a chimp in a sack, right?
No, I get that, but...
- Like jaguar-luggaged.
- What?
That I don't know.
That's not a thing, either.
Why are we all being so loud?
Why are we being so loud?
Poke him with that stick.
Maybe make other chimp noises
or something?
- No, no, no.
- Bad idea.
I think he's very close
to falling...
♪ Asleep ♪
Both: ♪ Little chimpanzee ♪
Guys, guys.
He's fall... he's fallen over.
He's asleep.
He's asleep.
Oh, crack his little skull.
Oh, give him
a little skull crack.
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
What are you doing?
Why did you shoot the elf?
Fuck you!
Jim!
No! No!
Look away!
Look away from this!
Oh, my God!
Do something!
I gotta... Jim!
Help me!
You son of a bitch!
I just want to remind you
that you shot my friend!
- My God!
- You shot Keith the Elf!
Oh, my God, you killed him!
No, no, no, no, no.
No, you didn't kill him.
One tranquilizer dart
is equal to three Quaaludes, OK?
Are we talking about
getting some Quaaludes?
Is that what we're
talking about?
Well, I'm just saying
a tranquilizer dart is...
- Please don't fuck me.
- Wait, wait, wait, what?
- What?
- What did he say?
Please don't fuck me.
The last time Keith
got knocked out at work,
a whole bunch of people
tried to fuck him.
So I think that might be
the concern right now.
Please don't fuck me.
That is definitely the concern!
Nobody's got eyes
on our chimp sack?
Get it in!
Follow it.
Follow it.
Trap it in. Trap it in.
Get in there!
Don't you my Keith.
Nobody wants any parts of that.
You know, it's like
that thing where you say,
don't think of elephants.
Now everyone's thinking
of fucking Keith.
Don't fuck Keith!
Does everyone remember
the oath that HR made us take?
And I won't show my wiener
to anybody.
I will not show
my wiener to anybody.
No such thing as a penis oath.
- What are we doing?
- Oh.
Oh, we were just taking
an oath that we wouldn't
show people our wieners.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we had a situation
with a...
Yeah, there's a chimpanzee
running through the mall.
Chimpanzee.
It got into the Santa sack
and, uh,
we don't know where it is.
It's all part
of a terrible ransom.
You're being chimp-sacked?
- Not a thing.
- The adult male chimpanzee
has nine times the grip
of that of a male adult.
The secret is,
you have to be a chimp
of a higher status.
It's a status game, mates.
Watch and learn.
He's over here, behind the...
He knows what he's doing.
This is good.
All right, this is no good.
You need, like, a moose
or something.
A reindeer is not big enough.
- OK.
- Not big enough.
- Bigger chimp.
- Bigger chimp.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Status game.
- Oh, yes. Yeah, OK.
- Come on.
Come on, chimpie.
OK, OK.
Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
That sounds... that sounds bad.
Oh!
Oh, he's OK!
He's got a bit
of fight in him, that one.
All right, different tactic.
I want him to think
that I'm a female.
You, you.
I need some musk.
This way... this way...
OK.
- He'll think that I'm a woman.
- That works.
That works.
Not enough.
Not enough.
Oh!
You want some? Oh.
- OK.
- Hey.
Oh.
- Guys, it's totally standard.
- That'll do it.
He'll like that.
He'll like that.
OK, good.
You're welcome.
Maybe.
Santa, come here.
You smell like a woman.
It's funny,
because usually when a man
sticks his arm up my crotch,
I get his name first.
Now it's time
for the tender trap.
OK.
Godspeed.
Oh, you go... you go, girl.
Not in there!
Put him down.
- Is your foot in it?
- Leave it, no!
No!
Ahh!
Oh, oh.
He's in...
- Ahh!
- Oh, he's alive.
- Oh.
- He's alive.
I got him.
I choked him out.
You choked him out.
Oh.
He's not going
to bother you anymore.
He's a nice fella.
Just needed a bit of love.
Oh.
Thank you, brave sir.
- You're a hero.
- Brave sir.
Oh, thank you so much.
Your items.
Ah, wow. Wow.
Uh, let's... is this dumb?
Can get a... can we get
a snap with the squad?
Oh, yeah.
That's a great idea.
Come on, come on.
That's great. Whoops.
Can everybody go, "whoops"?
That's great.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Oh!
Oh, you got him, Jim!
I'm OK!
It's a Christmas miracle!
Let's get the photo.
Season's greetings!
Season's greetings.
Only three days left
to Christmas.
Bargains are abound.
Does anybody want
an Ice N Tasty?
No, I need one to put on...
To ice my tasties.
Morning, officers.
Morning, morning.
- Well, hello there.
- Good morning.
Thank you for your service.
We saw what you got up to
this morning.
Oh, yeah. We got, uh... uh...
Chimp... you got chimp-sacked.
- We got chimp-sacked.
- We sure did.
My name is Gunner.
And my name
is Ronnie Donald Ceviche.
And I am Hold 'Em.
And I am Fold 'Em.
Yeah.
We are the current stewards
of the Kenny Rogers' Life
Exhibit.
Is this some kind of
traveling Kenny Rogers museum?
Some kind?
This is the traveling
Kenny Rogers museum.
We're talking too much.
It's almost time
to start our show.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- And...
Born 21 August, 1938,
Kenneth Donald Rogers,
known to his family
as Kenneth Ray,
went on to be nominated
19 times for a Grammy
and sold over
121 million records worldwide.
This is the exact size Kenny was
when he was this size.
- Child-size Kenny.
- It looks just like him.
It looks just like him.
And he grew up in poverty,
surrounded by rats.
No. That's not a rat, sir.
That is a nine-banded
Texas armadillo.
The Texas tank.
Well, this was amazing.
I wish there was more to see.
Oh... oh, there is more!
Oh, wow.
Oh, whoa!
Whoa!
Kenny Rogers stood
at least 6 feet tall.
Rumor is, he never
looked down on any man,
but every man looked up to him.
Look, look.
I'm big enough that
if you skinned me,
Kenny Rogers could wear me.
Your brain works weird.
I like it.
This has all of Kenny's songs
in Japanese?
Yep. All of them.
Why?
- Is this a suit that he wore?
- Well, this...
Just like everything
you're about to see...
Is something that Kenny
actually wore himself
or is a pretty accurate
just this side of replica.
This is a replica
that Kenny would have worn,
had Kenny worn a replica
like this one.
- It would have been this one.
- That's right.
Kenny grew up really poor.
He couldn't afford a kitty,
so he had a baby goat.
They nicknamed him Smitty.
This goat feels
like hard plastic.
Is that what that is?
It is.
That's what that is.
This is not even a real goat?
I mean, it's a goat in there,
but we lacquered it.
And then after a while it
started to delaminate, so...
Magnificent.
Also just a test of,
could we laminate a goat?
Yeah.
Well, you never know
until you try.
OK.
Hi.
I don't see anybody.
Let's do this quick.
- OK.
- Ready?
Both: One, two, three.
All right.
So the plan is, we call...
We call animal control.
Right.
And they come
pick this thing up.
- Yeah.
- Right?
Yeah.
And it has a very
happy life somewhere
in some... in something that
looks like
a Tarzan set, right?
Or... or we leave it here,
and it just can run free.
That's right.
You know, it's like a jungle.
It's like a concrete jungle.
We're releasing the monkey
in the concrete...
- Hello?
- Hello?
Hello?
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my...
- Hey!
- Keith!
- Hey, man.
- Where am I?
What are you doing in that sack?
What am I doing in that sack?
We got... what's he doing here?
Did you guys tranq me?
Wait, if you're here, then...
Who'd we drop at the strip club?
You can take me
to the strip club.
No, no, no.
You stay here.
We should go.
We'll check it out.
- Yeah.
- We should go.
I got to go home!
I know my wife's worried sick!
She's bigger than me!
Is this what I think this is?
If you think this
is Kenny Rogers' bones,
it absolutely is.
Please no flash photography.
I can only keep it open
in little spurts,
much like a Caravaggio.
Three, two, one.
Oh, whoa.
We just saw Kenny Rogers' bones.
- That is possible, yes.
- Yes.
Can I... should we all switch?
I would love to see the bottom.
Oh, yeah, please see the bottom.
Kenny Rogers' bones.
Please no flash photography.
This side is even better.
The bottom side is incredible.
His voice resonated
inside that skull.
There's still cards in his hand.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
The kind of cards Kenny Rogers
would have held in his hands,
had he died lying down.
Amazing.
I will say, having
just seen his wingspan,
this is the full-size Kenny?
We should admit that we do
have the same parent company
as the Body World show.
Oh.
- Remember that?
- OK.
Was that, like, the muscle
dudes that played volleyball?
- Yeah.
- Exactly.
So there is some
cross-pollination where,
you know, well,
we share a warehouse.
Sure, of course.
Let's not tug
each other's nuts right here.
They may not be
Kenny Rogers' bones,
but they remain bones,
mostly human bones.
Let's not tug our own nuts.
No.
Let's not allow anyone
walking by to get a nut tug.
Bones.
Human bones.
- Kenny Rogers had them.
- In the shape...
In the shape of Kenny Rogers.
You know what?
I'd kind of like to see
the top half again,
would that be OK?
Oh, yeah. Please.
Please take your time.
You said pièce de résistance
two or three times.
Yeah.
This is clearly
the pièce de résistance.
This has been wonderful.
We'll just come by anytime,
and you guys can show these?
Any time you got $38,
you can come right on by here.
- Again.
- Wow.
♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
♪ They came up to your knee ♪
♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪
♪ Take a look-y and see ♪
It's Christmas, and the Reno
Junior Deputies program
has never needed your funds
more than right now.
Every year y'all have been
leaving babies for us,
like some kind
of backwards Grinch
who never heard about rubbers.
Well, meet my little friend
Freckles here.
After 20 Christmases spent in
the Reno Sheriff's Department,
this is little Freckles now.
Good girl, Freckles.
I drank poison.
- No, you didn't.
- Just kidding.
No, I didn't.
'Cause I can't,
'cause I'm pregnant.
Freckles, so help me God,
just say happy holidays
from the Junior
Sheriff's Department,
or I'll smack
the shit out of you.
I want you to.
Kill me!
Stop!
- Kill me!
- Stop asking me to kill you!
Fucking kill me!
I am not going to kill you,
you little...
Suck my dick!
♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
♪ Were only just cubs ♪
♪ But now they're men
and women ♪
♪ Kind of like us ♪
We've been here since
4:00 a.m. this morning,
and it has been my privilege
to introduce
the Reno Sheriff's Department
to actual police procedure.
Now, I have asked Jones
and Cindy to join me today.
Mr. Richnickie
of the Sierra Nugget Mall has
had some threatening letters
sent to him
saying they're going
to steal his silver nugget.
So I have started
what we call a string board.
This is how all great crime
is solved.
What we're going to do
is find possible connections
to the potential theft
of the silver nugget,
so if it gets stolen,
and if we figure out
who stole it,
perhaps we connect
it to something
that fucking matters.
We got OJ.
I don't want to
get into it again.
Who did this? What's this?
That's a coconut nut cluster
wrapper I put up there.
That... maybe a wrapper...
What's the connection?
Maybe... maybe a wrapper did it.
You're just saying what
you think I want to hear.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey, Riz.
- Hey.
What's up?
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, you here to work on it?
You just told me
to show up here.
You know who could be guilty?
Oh, good. Yes. Who?
In Reno, almost...
everyone.
All right. No.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, Lord.
- Merry Christmas!
- Yep. It's Big Mike.
Is he huffing on them fumes?
Sheriff's Department, Mike.
He's got a flocker.
He's got a flocker.
Got a flocker.
Mike, put that
flocking gun down.
Whoa! Mike! Hey!
Whoa! Hey! Hey!
Hey. Stop it!
Don't... have you
been huffing that?
- Everyone is so...
- You can't...
Mike, don't huff that.
Don't huff that.
Mike, that's bad
for your health.
I'm a monster!
Right.
Mike, stop it.
- Mike, stop.
- Mike, stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!
- What is that stuff?
- Hey, I'll flock you...
I'll flock you up.
I'm fucking... do it.
Give me... give me one.
Give him the snowball.
Here you go.
Hey!
Guess what kind of call
we got on the telephone.
Man partying in a parking lot?
- No.
- No.
Man having a sale?
Man selling
flocked Halloween ornaments
at discount price?
This is definitely all
the stuff that got stolen
from the Halloween stuff.
Oh, yeah, 100%.
I recognize that spider
'cause I wanted it,
and it was $64.
Well, how much is it now?
Hey, Mike?
Mike, how much is the spider?
21.99 for the spider.
Really?
For the whole spider?
Think up on top
of your Christmas tree.
That sounds like
a pretty good idea.
21.99 for me.
Mike, what happened
to that vehicle over there?
That's my race car.
- Is that your vehicle?
- Yes.
And the paperwork would be in it
that would show
that this belongs
to Big Mike, and not Brenda?
Wait a minute.
Did Brenda help you
steal everything
from the Halloween stuff,
and... stop it, Mike! Mike.
Mike. Mike. Mike.
Stop it.
Is Brenda dead in the trunk?
Brenda was called
to serve the Lord.
That's why she moved
to Hot Springs, Arkansas.
To serve the Lord.
- She was not with you
when you robbed
the Halloween store?
No! Absolutely not!
I've met Brenda,
and she's a godless troll.
Well, that's what happened.
See, those make
the best preachers.
The ones that
start out as whores
and drug dealers and pedophiles
and ass-rapers and dick smokers,
and then they go,
I'm dub... done with my dicks.
I'm going up there for the Lord.
And she has a kennel...
I'm going to need
to check that vehicle.
She has... no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
You don't got to check
that kennel.
I'm happy for her, actually.
She's doing so well.
Well.
Found her.
Yeah, Brenda's in there.
- Let's go, Mike.
- All right.
Good Lord.
I'm going to throw up
real quick.
Do you think we
have time to stop
by the Thanksgiving store?
Absolutely.
OK.
We've been here
for about nine hours
working on the string board,
and we are making progress.
Uh, guys, you want
to run through
what we've excluded so far?
Jesus, DEVO, OJ,
Mark Fuhrman, the Black Dahlia.
We also... remember,
we found out that's not
a... that's not a microchip.
It's seaweed.
I knew that going in.
But we have eliminated some
of these possibilities.
It's come to my attention, uh,
that I think we have
not been looking
at... where there's smoke,
there's sometimes fire.
And I know everyone said they
don't know Mr. Richnickie,
is that correct?
- Yeah.
- Mm.
I mean, you know him,
because Reno's not a big town.
I mean, I know him.
Not a big town.
I wouldn't say that.
Jim, I will say we're
on the same bowling team.
You're on the same bowling team.
It's right there.
So you obviously know
that Richnickie and I
own a balance beam
and jump rope play place,
which is not thriving.
And, um... so what?
I know him.
And I have
a small business with him.
And he owes me some money.
We were in a band.
We dated the same woman for...
a little while.
And that woman was my mother.
And the, uh, third investor
in my balance beam
and jump rope business.
To be clear,
I think what interested her
is the low overhead and
the small initial investment.
It is a great idea.
Then why do you need so
much money from other people?
Because I'm generous.
We should take
all these guys down...
Oh... oh, I don't know about that!
- And put up all of us.
- No, no, no, no, no.
This is...
Declan!
- Like, even as a background...
- Holy shit.
Guys, guys, guys. Sorry.
I think I found a clue.
Listen, I don't know
if it has something to do
with these notes or not,
but I found this
in the parking lot
and I think it's a clue.
Pig in a jar!
Yes, it's a clue!
We don't get this every day.
It's a clue.
It's not just a clue.
It's also a warning.
How many pigs are there
supposed to be in the story?
- Three.
- How many aren't here?
Two.
Someone who should be
an ally is, in fact...
Someone with two faces.
- Someone...
- A two-faced pig
is betraying the other two pigs.
And a piggy...
Where does piggy go?
Where does the piggy go?
The market.
Went to the market!
Guys, what do people call us?
Pigs.
We need to go to the market.
These little piggies
go to market.
I cracked it!
I grassed it.
Fantastic.
You're undercover, we're all...
Hey, guys?
- Yeah.
- The board works.
The board did work.
There it is!
What are you guys doing
messing with my face soup?
I put it outside 'cause
it needs to cook in the sun,
like sun tea.
That's why I left it
in the parking lot.
So this is not a clue
that we're supposed
to go down to the market?
No!
White people, always
taking your stuff.
- Yes.
- Am I right?
Yes, they do.
Yes, they do.
Face soup.
Face soup.
- Face soup.
- You know what?
Now that I think about it,
I've seen your ads
for it on Facebook.
Yeah.
- Ooh.
- Just a weird odor.
I like it.
Oh, I like it.
Oh, that feels good.
Ugh!
It's... it burns the back
of my throat.
My whole mouth is cold.
I mean, it's got a nose...
There's a little
bit of nose in mine.
It's another beautiful day
at the Sierra Nugget Mall.
Thank you, ma'am.
Tell your friends who have money
to come back and see us.
Yes.
Kenny Rogers!
- Kenny Rogers.
- Hello.
Right this way, go ahead.
Hello.
- Sheriff's Department.
- Hey.
Guess who is back.
Ugh.
Ugh, son of a bitch.
Come on, man.
I saw them. They came through.
Hola!
- Past the dino, and...
- Donde esta?
Come out, come out. Hello.
Donde esta?
Hello.
You never know where
she's going to be.
- All right.
- Hello?
Ahh!
How y'all doing?
Nope, nope.
Be a lady.
Come on, now.
Get away from me, ghost!
No, no... give me that leg.
T.T.!
No, no.
Slow... no running!
Get over here, T.T.!
Uh-uh. No.
No. No, T.T.
- That's a weapon.
- T.T., stop.
T.T.!
T.T.
Don't let her into that one.
She's got high ground.
Ahh!
Ahh! Easy.
No. No. No.
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Don't hit the cock!
Oh, sh...
Let's take a break.
It's a ghost.
It's a ghost in there.
A ghost?
- In here?
- A ghost?
- A ghost.
- Come on, now.
- What's the spirit look like?
- A old white lady.
- OK.
- Old white lady.
Leave that ghost alone, T.T.
Don't beat up the ghost.
- No, no, no, no!
- No, T.T.!
Get away from me, you old ghost!
- Don't go behind there!
- No, no, no, no, no.
Don't go behind there!
No, no, no!
Where did she go?
Get away from here,
you old white lady ghost!
- No.
- I see her!
She's right here in the front!
T.T.!
I got her.
Hey, stop it!
Hey!
Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hi, guys!
Dangle!
Did you get the call, or...
About the ghost?
No, T.T.
T.T.'s in here.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, I'm sorry, guys. No, no.
I've been using this place
instead of a gym.
Uh, the fancy gyms want
$20, $30 a month.
I'm not going to pay that.
Yeah.
I can come here.
I'm getting exploded.
- Stop!
- No!
I got to do, like,
three more laps.
So I wish you bonne chance,
and please watch out
for the ghost.
I'm going in.
T.T.!
T.T.!
- All right. We lost her.
- We lost her.
- T.T.!
- T.T.!
Oh, I got her.
I got her!
Happy birthday, Eddie!
Did they do
the birthday cake yet?
I hid in the maze
like they told me.
OK, um, why don't
you wait for Eddie?
Psst. Psst. Come here.
Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
That wristband she has on?
We haven't sold that color
for, like, two years.
- Old white lady ghost.
- Old white lady ghost.
- Yeah.
- Go, go, go.
No, no, no. Don't leave me.
Hi, ghost!
Father Nicholas has left me
a splendid box
this Christmas morrow,
and inside,
just what I asked for...
A real boy.
♪ Happy holidays ♪
♪ Reno ♪
I quite frankly think
that Mr. Richnickie
might be making up
the whole ransom note thing,
and someone wanting
to steal a silver nugget.
I do.
And I can't blame him,
because I once sent
ransom notes to my own parents,
pretending like
I had been kidnapped.
And they did not respond.
You know, I did some
background on Richnickie,
and I don't know
if this is something,
but I think it might be.
20 years ago, he had a car wash,
and the way he used to get
people to come to the car wash
was he had some
rhodium displayed
in a Plexiglass case.
If you don't know, rhodium
is the most precious metal.
It got stolen as well.
Anything?
Hi, how are you today?
There you go.
All right.
Now, you're not
going to believe it.
That's the Sierra Nugget.
Can you believe it?
She's my pride and joy,
and she's insured for a fortune.
Beautiful.
We have been
in the Christmas pageant
a whole bunch of times,
and it was a'ight.
But now... Get ready for this,
because Dangle came up
with an idea
for us to top
what we did last year.
We got live doves!
Live doves.
We have, uh,
dove catchers ready to go.
- Yep.
- Dove Station Alpha.
- Doves fly out.
- Check.
Check. Hey.
Ho ho ho.
Dove Station Zebra.
Check.
After the Christ child is born...
I'm the Christ child,
of course...
We will then release the doves.
Get ready.
Right, we all ready?
Y'all get ready.
It's got bubble wrap.
Save the bubble wrap.
I like... I like bubble wrap.
Huh.
One alive, one frozen alive,
one dozen.
There's lots and lots of them,
and they're very cold.
It says you have
to reheat the dove.
They came over in
a shipping container, right?
Oh, that makes sense.
Oh, look at him.
He's walking around,
and then he's flying.
This is not... actually
not that hard.
All we got to do is warm up,
uh, 120 frozen solid doves.
I'll stick it down my shirt.
That always works on everybody.
OK.
I'll try that.
Once they start waking up,
be ready.
Jim, I got to say,
I think these are dead.
- They're just flash frozen.
- No.
Mine is not coming back yet.
If anything, it's like
it's necrofying my skin.
- Oh, my God.
- I heard this is how
the first avian flu started,
by the way.
That's probably very, very true.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
No, no.
Ooh!
Oh, my gosh.
Starting to smell like chicken.
- Any luck?
- No.
Well, I thought I saw
something move, but...
I had... I had a little feeling
on this guy for a minute.
Wait.
No.
So close, so close.
Wait.
Nope. I'll be back.
Keep the faith.
My worst experience
with the Junior Deputies
was when I got taken hostage
by them.
Their demands were they wanted
better living conditions
and food.
I got released once we agreed
to expand their kennels
by 25 square feet
and raised the fill line
on their dishes
by an inch.
Have a lot of our
adult deputies gotten hurt
by the Junior Deputies?
Of course.
Did Trudy get rabies from
one of the Junior Deputies?
Yes.
These are youngsters, often,
that were maybe left
at the station,
and you can't judge them
the way you would
a normal person.
And we've asked a judge
to do that many times.
And they say, no,
these are children.
Aaand away we go!
Hi, Junior Deputies.
My name is Deputy Trudy Wiegel,
and I am going to take you
on this magical sleigh ride
to see a wowser
of a holiday pageant.
Which was written by my friend
and sometimes lover, Jim Dangle.
Sir, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna need
to have you sit down.
Um, OK.
It's ma'am, but obviously
that's apparent.
We stay in our seats
because this
is the safest bus in the West.
When I say safest bus,
you say the...
Did some...
Did somebody bring nuts
on this bus?
This is a nut-free z... zone.
Ahh!
You're a nut-free zone, right?
What the hell?
I'm deathly a...
Allergic to n... nuts!
She's very dramatic.
Holy shit!
Are you OK?
Oh, my God, that's so gross.
Ahh!
Ahh! Ahh!
♪ ♪
Declan's got an idea.
We're going to try
tasing the dead dove.
I'm only doing this
because I wanted to get out
of the briefing room,
where everybody
has a dove in their crotch.
Really?
Is it stuck?
No.
I can help you with
that later, if you like.
I'm good.
Ta-dah!
So we went in the evidence room
and got a little bit
of the white lady.
A little bit of, uh, yo-yo.
A little bit of the white horse.
A little bit of that,
uh, Bea Arthur.
Cocaine, if y'all don't know.
We... we got some cocaine.
Uh, Cloris Leachman.
OK, OK.
Is that the nose?
Here you go, little birdie.
OK, now, let me
make him snort it.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Oh!
Heard you guys gave
c... cocaine to the...
- Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.
This guy's coming along.
This guy's coming pretty good.
Is it happening?
I think so, yeah.
- Jim, you want a little?
- I would. I would.
Are we talking about that,
or are we just doing it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I think that helped.
I think that did help.
Oh, that definitely helped.
- You or the dove?
- Everybody.
Everybody. Everybody.
A little of that Barbara Bush.
- Let it go.
- Yeah.
♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
♪ They came up to your knee ♪
♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪
♪ Take a look-y and see ♪
Hey.
If you've got some loose
pocket change this holiday,
see how much change you can
really make by helping out
the Junior Deputies program
at the Reno
Sheriff's Department.
Like my little friend
Benjamin here,
who grew up right inside
the Reno Sheriff's Department.
Say hi to my little friend Belphegor,
Demon God of Sloth.
Hi. Yeah.
Belphegor,
Demon God of Sloth spent
17 Christmases in a row with us,
and thanks to your donations,
he's...
totally fine.
I am also hell's ambassador
to France,
as described by the poet Milton.
In my spare time,
I am the tempter
of witch hunters
with the promise of riches
and great discoveries
that will slip through
your fingers.
And he touches everyone's
leftovers in the fridge
to gain power over them.
Touché.
The hand of Belphegor
knows thy dirty deeds.
Great.
Mortals, won't you put
a little Christmas cheer
under the tree
for the boys and girls
of the Reno Junior Deputies?
Just pennies a day could
take an unwanted basket case
and turn them into me
or my fetching bride, Freckles.
Hail the Dark Lord.
Truly amazing mom.
♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
♪ Were only just cubs ♪
♪ But now they're men
and women ♪
♪ Kind of like us ♪
Well, the state of Nevada
is getting sued
because do-gooders
like these ones over here
have been wishing people
Merry Christmas
on state property.
You can't do that anymore.
That is a clear violation
of the separation
of church and state,
so we go over there,
get them to say Merry Christmas,
and we take them in.
Check, check, check, check.
Ow!
Godspeed, you... shit!
Unbelievable. Really.
Break a leg.
I've got a good backstory
for us.
All right. Oh.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hi. Happy holidays.
- How you doing?
- Happy holidays.
And also with you.
Thank you so much.
This is my second
husband, Jules.
We were having
an emotional affair,
and when we decided
to take it physical,
I asked my first husband
for a divorce.
And now we're very happy.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
Due to our Episcopalian faith,
we come in at this time of year
to spend this special day
with our kids.
Right. Specifically the 25th.
- The celebration.
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- So close to winter solstice.
- Yes.
- Right.
I'll come downstairs dressed up
like Santa Claus.
Yes.
And I say, ho, ho, ho!
Both: Happy holidays!
- No.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you.
Happy holidays.
- Oh, greetings to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
This would mean so much to us.
We both have
early-onset Alzheimer's,
and it can be very upsetting
when we can't come up
with something
that's so, so obvious.
- I'll try.
- Here we go.
♪ We wish you a... ♪
♪ Da-da-dup-bop ♪
What is it? What is it?
Both:
No, no, no.
But what is it?
What are the words?
Yeah, what are the words?
Oh, my gosh,
I'm so bad with this.
Because I actually have dyslexia,
but for song lyrics.
So I can't.
Yeah, I prefer to karaoke.
I'm the same way.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Happy fourth quarter.
Season's greetings.
Fourth quarter?
Happy holidays.
What else could
you say right now?
- Hmm.
- Uh...
Um...
Would wish someone.
I think I know where
you're going with this.
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
And I don't know-
Are you talking about the
anniversary of the execution
of Romanian dictator
Nicolas Ceausescu?
In 1989...
Did this happen?
During the Romanian Revolution,
on December 25?
You know what?
I think you two are blameless.
I'm sorry for taking
up your time, ma'am.
You're doing good work.
Hey! What did you just say?
Sorry for taking
up your time, ma'am.
You just gendered me on
state property, motherfucker.
I'm a they!
ACLU.
Put your hands behind your back.
OK. Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Oh, come on. Hey. Hey.
Put your hands behind your back.
In his defense, he is very old.
I, for one,
am happy to be gendered.
I am a lady.
And I'm a big swinging dick man.
Everything's gonna be OK.
One, two, three, eyes on me.
One, two, three, eyes on me.
Look at me!
Look at me! OK.
Do not freak out!
Do not freak out on me!
Everything is going to be fine!
Things could be worse.
Have you ever heard of 'Nam?
I'm not sure what it is.
But I do know that
a lot of old men
are real pissed about it,
so it's like that.
We're going to keep
our shit together,
and we're not gonna... see!
Hello, children. Sir.
Look, we are so sorry that
you guys had to witness
that lady get run over
next to the bus.
She had an allergic reaction
to some chestnuts,
and she panicked.
Super weird.
And the other motorist...
Also dead from the shock
of splattering that lady.
Don't let them look outside.
It's bad.
You got to keep them calm.
Keep them calm.
We got vultures.
Vultures.
Code V. Code V. Keep them calm!
Look at me!
Look at me!
One, two, three, eyes on me.
One, two, three.
They're just birds!
Everybody loves birds.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Hold your attack!
There's fucking birds.
Do not look out the window!
Oh, look what I have!
Look, look, look!
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
♪ On the Feast of Stephen ♪
Oh, my God!
There's so much blood!
Guys! Guys! Guys!
You're acting like
you've never seen birds before!
Why are there so many?
No one else will die today
'cause Jesus said it's so.
No one else will die
on my watch today!
Oh, no. No. No, no.
Stay away from the bus driver.
Stay away from the bus driver!
Oh, my God,
they're eating her face!
We have another microwave, actually.
You guys don't have to use
popcorn mode for everything.
- Ah, yes.
- OK?
Defrost, 50% power.
That's the secret.
50%.
Three...
Two, one.
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
It's a Christmas miracle!
We have 106 left to do, then.
- Yeah.
- We need more microwave.
Yeah.
Great idea.
Oh!
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
He's OK. He's OK.
See, he's OK!
Everything's OK.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
OK. Children, children.
This is just the cycle
of life, all right?
The vultures are just
doing their job
eating those entrails.
- Yeah.
- All right?
I strangled a bunch of them,
and I think I got the alpha.
So we're going to be OK.
The alpha's dead,
and we should...
OK. Alpha's still alive.
Alpha's still in play!
Alpha's still in play!
We're not gonna get off the bus,
'cause we don't want the alpha
to kill us, OK?
Good, children!
Children! I've got the alpha!
- Ahh!
- Keep your eyes away!
I think I got him!
I got him!
This is part of nature!
Jim Dangle's Christmas
pageant script.
Um, 190 pages.
But I got to give it to him,
three or four of those pages
are really, really good.
Solid.
Sondheim level.
Ho, ho, ho!
Someone order one
Christmas miracle,
shipping and handling included?
I was so scared!
Of course you were.
I had a stroke of genius,
which I very seldom do.
These bandits could never get
to your semi-precious nugget
if it's playing a "star"
ing role in the pageant.
Did it get Jesus?
Did my nugget get Jesus?
I'm obviously playing Jesus.
Your nugget...
Is playing-
A star...
- The Wise Men...
ing role.
All three Wise Men.
No, that's... the
The myrrh?
Mr. Richnickie,
your semi-precious nugget
will be playing...
the Star of Bethlehem.
It's going to be right there...
Mm.
Underneath the entire
Reno Sheriff's Department
as we do our pageant,
safe as houses.
And as soon as it's midnight,
you're in the clear.
Oh!
It's hidden in plain sight.
Never get off the bus.
Never get...
Oh, my God,
I have to talk to children?
OK. OK.
OK. Hi.
Hi. I got this.
Hello, children.
Two cars just collided, and...
I'm so sorry,
I can't lie to children.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- OK, I got this.
A car collided with a trailer
full of petting zoo animals!
Aw!
- Aw!
- But... but... but
the good news...
Good news is the...
The screams you hear
are not human.
They're the screams
of miniature horses.
They weren't adult horses, so...
Could have been worse, see?
Could've been worse.
Oh, God, the horror!
Also, it's electrified
out there.
The helicopter cut
some power lines.
So be careful, unless you
have some rubber-soled shoes.
Sure.
Oh, no!
I hate this job!
Also could be very slippery.
- Kenny Rogers.
- Kenny Rogers!
- Kenny Rogers.
- Kenny Rogers!
- Kenny Rogers.
- Kenny... uh-oh!
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Born 21 August, 1938,
Kenneth Donald Rogers,
known to his family
as Kenny Ray...
Follow me, sir.
Come on, Frank.
That's better.
We're naked for 36 pages
at the end of this thing.
You know, Jim's got himself
a pump back there.
Yeah, he loves that.
Yeah, he fluffs himself
up for it,
and we've got to go out there
just with what we got.
I don't wanna do this.
Full disclosure,
this does cost $38.
But behold, I seek only.
For it is a young... young child.
Did you have a busy day?
Are you behind on
your holiday shopping?
Don't worry.
The Sierra Nugget Mall
is now open
from 8:00 a.m.
to 10:00 p.m. daily
for your holiday shopping needs.
Places! Rehearsal's on.
Places for dress rehearsal, everybody.
Places.
Places for dress.
Fuck yeah.
Let's fucking do this shit.
Places!
We're here, Jim.
OK. So we're...
The orphans aren't in yet.
Lights are out, lights are out.
Smoke and mystery.
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
♪ Oh, this child born tonight
gonna freak us with his light ♪
♪ Gonna set the world to right
with his holy, holy groove ♪
♪ And the people start to move
as their bodies feel the news ♪
♪ That this little naked man
is the king of all the Jews ♪
Oh!
♪ Jesus Christ, guys ♪
♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪
That's it.
♪ Oh, freaky,
freaky, freak ♪
♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪
That's it, now.
♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
- That's it.
♪ Jesus freaking me ♪
- Yeah.
♪ Oh, freaky, freaky, freak ♪
Yeah.
♪ Naked boy who died
for me ♪
♪ I'm gonna get scary ♪
♪ As Balthazar...
Come on to center stage ♪
Balthazar to center stage.
Yes, yes.
Yes, Jim. Yep.
- Little bit scary.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't want to note you
to death,
but the last couple times
we did this,
you were just... you were behind.
You were late.
I'm a little-I know.
- Late.
- I know, Jim.
Let's not be late. Ready?
Can we not embarrass me
in front of everyone?
I don't think
I'm embarrassing you
in front of everyone.
Am I embarrassing him
in front of everyone?
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
If you want to give me notes,
you take me
behind the Christmas tree.
- Who's Balthazar?
- Me.
- You are.
- Jones.
Beautiful.
- Can I have your attention?
- Two, three, four...
- Will the mother of Lupita...
- Six, seven, eight, nine.
Please come
to the lost and found?
Now.
♪ Who is this tiny man who
in the manger now is born? ♪
♪ And will he fill
the world with love ♪
♪ But also wear
a crown of thorns? ♪
♪ And if the Romans find a boy
who is so naked and so wise ♪
♪ Could he even now survive ♪
♪ Or would he
his demise? ♪
♪ And should we all
just run and flee ♪
♪ And bid adieu to Galilee? ♪
♪ But lo,
this little naked man ♪
♪ Yes, it's happening ♪
♪ I am a Jesus freak fan ♪
Three, four.
Yeah, that's the holidays
right there, right?
That's the holidays.
♪ Jesus freaking me ♪
That's it.
♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪
♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
That's right.
♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪
That's exactly it.
♪ Oh, freaky,
freaky, freak ♪
♪ The naked boy
who died for me ♪
♪ ♪
And then you're feeling
each other's bodies.
♪ ♪
Exploring bodies.
God, we've been given
these beautiful bodies.
OK, that was one one-thousandth
of the energy
I want on the day, OK?
OK.
Fun family show for
the fucking Junior Deputies,
some of whom are recovering
from crack problems, OK?
Let's pick it up at the...
We've arrived at the manger,
there's no room,
there's no room.
There's no room in the manger!
You're not going to do it
like that, are you?
I was.
Can I see it a little bigger?
There's no room in the manger.
See, that's why this is a show.
That's why this is a show.
That's it.
Fear not, little goyim.
Your rescue is at hand.
Oh.
Shalom, baby.
Hatzalah at your service.
We was, uh, circling
in the Black Hawk chopper.
We saw you were in distress.
We got here in two shakes
of a mule's bottom.
Thank God you're here!
We was, uh, doing
mitzvahing this week.
It's best way to celebrate
sixth night of Hanukkah.
Oh, we were also just
celebrating Hanukkah.
Great.
How about we tow this bus
to wherever it is you're going?
Oh, thank you!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
It's forbidden.
Thank you, at least,
for recognizing
that I am indeed a female.
Of course! You are woman.
You are 100% filthy,
disgusting woman
that I would not schtup
through hole in two sheets.
OK.
It's been a long day.
OK.
Of course.
So who wants to be Jewish
like Ivanka Trump,
most beautiful woman in world?
OK. See me afterwards.
I have pamphlets.
OK.
- Let's hook you up to tank...
- Yes.
And get you where you need
to go.
- Yes!
- Huh?
Hatzalah.
Hatzalah.
Just the boys. Hatzalah.
Good. Hatzalah.
- Just the girls.
- No, not the girls.
- Nope.
alah.
Even the animals in
the barn rejoiced at this...
Hi, guys.
I got the Junior Deputies.
Everything is totally cool
and fine.
What the hell happened to you?
Yeah, nothing!
Everything's fine.
I got the Junior Deputies here,
safe and sound.
Everybody's good.
Go, go, go!
You're fine. You're fine.
Go. Great seats.
Great seats still available.
Everybody's fine.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Enjoy the greatest story
ever told, Junior Deputies.
- You got to get dressed.
- Yes.
OK. Everything's fine.
Everything is good.
OK, tighten up.
We're running about
90 minutes late,
but that's not going
to affect our energy.
You're not going to believe it!
We booked Inkeba Bathetois.
Local meteorologist
Inkeba Bathetois?
Yes, that very one.
But she can sing, too!
She's even better at singing than
she is at predicting
cloud stuff!
Mr. Richnickie,
stop talking for two seconds
before I punch you in the face.
I just want to make it clear.
She's going to go...
Local meteorologist
Inkeba Bathetois is going
to go on right after us?
Local meteorologist
Inkeba Bathetois,
and beautiful singer
Inkeba Bathetois...
And Peabody Award winner.
Is going on momentarily.
And everyone is very excited.
Also, she told me
to tell you not
to look her directly
in the face.
- Oh, sure.
- 'Cause she's very famous
and does not like that.
I'm going to go introduce her.
This is going to be so great!
I can't wait!
Also, your green room is now
her assistant's green room,
so you don't have
a green room no more.
I love you!
Great.
Don't go in her green room.
I got to focus on the text.
It's going to be great.
Prayer, prayer, prayer.
Right now, it's Reno Sheriff's
Department versus the world.
The butterflies.
It's OK to throw up
before you go on.
It might even make
you look less bloated.
I'm not looking
at anybody specifically,
but if you need
to throw up before,
the butterflies are your friend
for definition.
Now, I know there's 150 pages
of the script
we didn't really get to,
or talk about, or block.
But greatest story ever told.
You're bringing
to the Christ child?
- Myrrh.
- And you're bringing?
I bring gold.
And Trudy is bringing?
Well, I think I read
the email wrong.
It's OK.
I mean, it's kind
of the same story.
Yeah, Jesus came back to life.
Huddle up.
Huddle up, everybody.
Are we the best actors
in the world?
- Yes.
- No.
Oh.
Those are literally
always British people.
But I think we got this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
local meteorologist
Inkeba Bathetois!
Should be going on after us.
♪ Oh, holy night ♪
♪ The stars are
brightly shining ♪
♪ It is the night ♪
♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, night ♪
♪ Divine ♪
♪ Oh, night ♪
♪ Oh, night divine ♪
♪ ♪
You know, she has
a Peabody Award.
♪ Oh, night divine ♪
I love you.
Merry Christmas to all!
Oh, hang around, folks.
Some dumb cops are on next.
Behold.
Behold.
Behold, behold, behold
the greatest story ever told.
We now miraculously transform
the Sierra Nugget Mall
to the town of Bethlehem!
And now, Rome hath commanded
that a census be taken.
And then... I'm skipping ahead...
Joseph, being from Bethlehem,
traveled with Mary,
his betrothed,
who was with child.
And they got to Bethlehem,
and the guy at the inn
was like, we don't...
We don't have a...
See your reservation.
And this is exactly what happens
if you use the booking apps,
which I'm begging you
not to use.
And Mary,
who "wath" great with child,
had to go have the baby
in a trough.
Just like Ricki Lake
in that movie
whose name escapes me.
Bethlehem!
Night!
Year zero!
They followed the star.
Lights, lights, lights,
lights, lights, lights,
lights, lights, lights.
Places for prologue.
Gorgeous, guys.
We're killing this.
♪ There's a star
in the east ♪
♪ On Christmas morn ♪
♪ Rise up, shepherd,
and follow ♪
♪ It'll lead to the place
where the savior's born ♪
♪ Rise up, shepherd,
and follow ♪
♪ Oh, follow that star ♪
♪ Follow, follow ♪
♪ To the little naked king ♪
♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ Rise ♪
No!
My nugget!
My nugget!
My beautiful nugget,
where did you go?
- Hey, guys!
- No. No.
The Kenny Rogers exhibit
is gone!
Those bastards!
The whole mall is mortgaged
on that nugget!
It is my life!
They went that way!
Go, go, go, go!
Sons of bitches!
We've got to get them home.
Mm. OK.
Um, show of hands,
who knows how to drive a bus?
Anyone?
- Wait!
- They're getting away!
Keep moving, Gunner!
Put it down!
Put it down!
Cover the exits.
Cover the exits.
In the name of the Reno
Sheriff's Department... no, no!
Don't you do it! Trudy!
Trudy! Take cover.
Take cover. Take cover.
No!
Son of a bitch!
Go, Rizzo!
I got you covered!
Go, go, go!
Incoming!
Retreat, retreat!
He's got a bone!
He's throwing bones!
Time out. Time out.
Time out. Time out.
Time out.
What if we do a John McClane
Trojan horse?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Sending out unarmed delegate.
Guys, guys, guys.
Unarmed delegate.
In the name of the Sheriff's
Department and Jesus Christ.
- Truce.
- Let's just talk this out, OK?
- Talk it out.
- Let's just talk this out.
Hands up.
Keep your hands up.
We're gonna just
talk this out... Keith, now!
What the hell?
In your face!
Go to hell!
No!
I got it!
- Aww.
- Oh.
Oh, what the hell, man!
I'm on your side!
- Let's get out of here.
- Oh, my bad, Keith.
Son of a bitch.
Sorry, Keith.
- Oh! Oh.
- Hey, hey.
- What the hell!
- Now it's weird.
Get back. Get back.
Hey!
Hey!
You guys! You guys! You guys!
Wait, wait, wait!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's locked.
Security!
Security!
Help!
OK, kids. Look.
We are right in the middle
of a heist.
As long as you have a buddy,
you are safe to wander out
in the night.
Ceviche, you drop that nugget!
All right.
I'll drop it.
Get a little taste
of the Texas tank!
Hyah!
No.
It was an honest mistake.
It could have
happened to anybody!
Phew!
I'm going to run!
Get out of here!
I'm blanking on your name.
Um... Kimball.
Oh, God.
I got it.
I got it. Hold it.
Hold it. Hold it.
He ain't coming through here.
Oh!
- Watch out, buddy.
- Toss me the nugget.
Don't do it!
Toss me the nugget
and this ends right now!
You want it so bad, catch.
Oh!
Hold 'em or fold 'em?
Let's play a little bit.
Come on, now.
Yah!
- Hold 'em!
- Fold 'em!
- Hold 'em!
- Fold 'em!
Oh, it hurts so bad.
Oh, it hurts so bad.
I fold 'em!
There you are.
- You hold 'em?
- I fold 'em.
Fold 'em!
It was a pleasure
to kick your ass.
Let's go, buddy.
Oh, look what I found.
Dangle!
What have they done to you?
I'm sorry, I forgot
your name for a bit.
I'm sorry.
It's all right. It's Kimball.
- I'm so sorry.
- My name's Kimball.
Oh, we got away with it.
Smooth, baby, smooth!
We got away with it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait. Wait.
Looking for your gun, Dangle?
It's in the truck,
with all the rest.
Ho, ho.
Yes, we do this all the time.
That's right.
We go to a mall with a box
of Kenny Rogers' bones,
and we hide in plain sight.
We go completely unnoticed,
and we steal all the best shit.
Yeah.
It's the perfect crime.
Is it, though?
Kind of.
Anyways, we're about
to do it again in Carson.
That's right.
'Cause they got a Le Creuset.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- What's that?
- Let's go, brother!
Move out. Move out.
What the hell is going...
Look!
- Oh!
- Whoo!
Hatzolah, everybody!
Oh, of course!
Oh.
Don't worry about these guys.
They're not going anywhere.
We got them hooked up
to the Mitzvah Mobile.
- Wow!
- He's got this.
He's got this. Great.
Time for a little
disco dance, huh?
What would Christmas even be
without some cool Jewish guy
showing up to save
some folks, huh?
Oh!
Only guy whose sideburns
I like better than mine.
Hey, game recognize game.
It really was almost
the perfect crime.
But... but really...
Was it really the...
It was the perfect crime.
It was the perfect...
I mean, it was pretty...
They made one mistake.
The Jews had no better
friend than Mr. Kenny Rogers.
And when you mess
with Kenny Rogers,
you mess with
the entire state of Israel.
Mr. Kenny Rogers negotiated
a secret treaty
between Menachem Begin...
Mmhmm.
- And Yasser Arafat.
- Wow.
Someone's got to get
that on his Wikipedia,
'cause that's huge.
We're going to take
these guys to the tank,
ask them some questions,
shoot them in the head.
Uh... uh...
I think in the spirit of
the sixth night of Hanukkah...
we'll just book them, huh?
You... you're... you're working,
uh, Jewish guilt onto me, now.
We let them... we let them live.
Hey, doesn't mean you can't
hook some jumper cables up
to their nipples, huh?
Hey, were you in Mossad?
Because this is great idea.
Or what about stick
some stuff up their butts?
Best sixth night of Hanukkah...
- Ever.
- Ever?
- That we've ever had.
- I guess.
Well, I think Mr. Richnickie
is going to be still a bummer.
But let's get it back
to him, shall we?
He loves that nugget.
He might have killed himself.
I... I... in a weird way,
I was kind of hoping
that was the outcome.
♪ Christmas, Christmas ♪
♪ Please don't leave us ♪
♪ Please don't leave us
here to die ♪
♪ Christmas, Christmas,
please don't leave us ♪
♪ Please don't leave us
here to die ♪
♪ No, no, please don't go ♪
♪ Please don't go,
you know we'll die ♪
♪ No, no, please don't go ♪
♪ Please don't go,
you know we'll die ♪
Why are you crying, Jim Dangle?
Terry told me that
every time a bell rings,
he's giving somebody a tug job.
And that made me very sad.
Aww.
No, Jim Dangle.
I said every time a bell rings,
nobody should pee on me.
I hope that nobody pees
on all of us this Christmas.
Oh, look, you guys.
Our dove.
It's still alive.
Yay.
I'll get it.
Oh.
♪ Oh, dreidel,
dreidel, dreidel ♪
♪ I made it out of clay ♪
♪ And when it's dry and ready ♪
♪ Oh, dreidel I will play ♪
Hey!
We did a search,
and it turns out
that a 50-pound silver nugget
is worth $14,621.
Still a lot of money.
That's, like, a good used car.