Relatable (2018) - full transcript

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

That is lovely energy.

I appreciate it.

Thank you so much
for being here, Seattle.

So it's been 15 years
since I've done stand-up

and when I decided to do this special

a friend of mine was at my house
and I told him:

"I'm going to do stand up again."

"Really?"



And I said:

"Yeah. I was hoping for more of a really."
But it was really.

"Yes, why?"
And he said:

"Well, do you think
you're still relatable?"

And...

"Yes, I do think
I'm still relatable.

I'm a human being."

"Well, I mean, your life
has changed so much."

"I know but I still think I'm relatable."

And anyway, just then, Batu, my butler,
stepped into the library...

and...

He announced
that my breakfast was ready and I...

"We'll continue this conversation
another time.

This is... ridiculous."



And... hum...

So I'm sitting in the solarium
eating my breakfast and...

I was on my third or fourth bite
of cute pineapple that Batu was feeding me

and...

"Batu, I'm not hungry,
I've lost my appetite.

My friend has really upset me
by what he said."

And...

"Well then,
I shall draw you a bath ma'am."

And...

"You don't have to announce it
all the time. Just draw the bath."

So I'm sitting in the tub

and I'm looking out of the window
at the rose garden and...

Tatiana was tending
to the roses and...

I knocked.
"Ma'am."

And... anyway. I get out of the tub

and Batu had forgotten to put the towel
next to the tub.

Again!

And...

So, I had to do that bathmat scoot
all the way across...

the bathroom to get to the towel.

And, it's a big...
You can imagine how big the bathroom is.

It's like...

Doing the bathmat scoot.

"Oh my God...

this is relatable."

People do the bathmat scoot

when the butler forgets to put the towel
next to the tub.

"Oh my God,
I am gonna go downstairs

I'm gonna write the most relatable
special that anybody has ever seen."

So after Lupita got me dressed
and combed my hair...

I just couldn't wait, I was just...

the whole way down the escalator,

I'm like, this is gonna be so good.

So I get downstairs

and my friend is still down
wandering around in the hallway

"What are you still
doing here?"

- "I'm lost."
- "Oh my God."

"How many times
have I shown you the front door?

It's down the hall

pass the Medal of Freedom,
pass the Emmys

pass the People's Choice Awards

past the Kids' Choice Awards,
the Teens' Choice Awards

the Mark Twain Prize,
the Peabody.

Take a left at the gift shop,
and that is the front door."

I think people have a tendency...

We look at somebody
and we decide we know all about them.

We put someone in a box so,
you know

I think everyone thinks that all
celebrities live exactly the same.

Like we all live behind big gold gates
down a long winding driveway and...

to a big round motor court with a...

fountain in the center
shooting up in the air and...

double doors leading to a two-story
entrance and matching curved staircases

to the second floor

and a chandelier made of crystal

and gold toilets, and...

What else do I have?

Gold toilets...

We do... We have a tendency
to stereotype people.

This is...

This is a true story.

I was talking to this woman

and she was telling me
about her kid's recital or something.

You know, how people are, and...

"I gotta get going.

I gotta get home to feed my cats."

And...

"Oh, how many cats do you have?"

- "Three."
- "Oh, you are a lesbian."

"I got news for you, that's not
what makes you a lesbian, it's..."

Nuts...

It's other stuff. It's...

"I have three dogs.
Does that cancel it out in any way or..."

What if I had two cats,
does that make me questioning

or am I not quite gay at that
point?

I don't know...

I am still gay by the way.

Still...

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, I'm enjoying it. It's...

really working out for me now.

It's...

at the beginning, not so much, but now...

Yeah, it was tough in the beginning.
For five minutes it was really celebrated

and then everyone changed their minds.

But I really...
For a few minutes there

it really seemed like it was going well
and I thought

everyone in Hollywood that's closeted
is gonna come out after me

I pictured like a stampede
of wild elephants like...

every closeted actor and actress
in Hollywood...

But instead,
they were like little meerkats

coming out of their little
meerkat closets. Just...

"How's this gonna go?

Is she gonna be OK?

Before I make a decision
I wanna see how this is.

Nope, not going well.
I'm going down...

back in...

stay there for a little while."

I just think, it would help
if more people came out.

There are a lot of children
that it would impact

a lot of kids would be helped
by that, you know, and...

It's not just actors and actresses.

I mean, there are gay football players,
there are gay baseball players

there are gay hockey players,
there are gay doctors, lawyers

there are gay hairdressers, you guys.

I just think
when something is talked about

and when you see representatives
of whatever the subject is

it demystifies it.

People aren't afraid of it anymore like...

dandruff.

I mean...

People weren't talking about dandruff.

Everybody was all nervous about dandruff

and then Sofia Vergara does this
Head & Shoulders commercial...

Her son has dandruff.
He's a handsome boy.

We don't care.
He's got dandruff.

Nobody's worried about talking
about dandruff anymore, you know.

Jen Aniston has dry eye.

We know that now.

She's your friend,
she's my friend.

She has dry eye and that's okay.

She's actually... She is my friend
and she hid that from me.

I had to learn about it
on the commercial. She was...

ashamed.

So, I think, you know,
if more gay people would endorse...

and not in a commercial,
like, but, although...

Can you imagine:

"Hi, I'm Ellen DeGeneres.
Now I'd like to talk to you about gay.

Do you find yourself in love with,
attracted to or just curious

about the same sex?

Maybe it's time you try gay.

You'll notice the difference
in as little as 48 hours.

And I should know.
I'm not just a spokesperson, I'm a gay.

Loss of family,
loss of friends, unemployment."

Yep, unemployment is a side effect.
That is definitely...

I lost my sitcom when I came out and...

It's not like nobody warned me.

I mean everybody warned me.

My publicist, my agent, my manager

"Don't do it."

But, you know,
my worst fears came true because...

you know, and that's why
people stay closeted.

The same people who loved me,
overnight, just hated me.

Just because they knew I was gay.
Everything changed.

And you know, I went through a depression
and people made fun of me

and people were writing articles about me,
dissecting the whole process

and why I did it
and that I shouldn't have done it

and you know,
it was just a really tough thing.

It took three years for me
to get back on television.

And, so when I was offered this talk show

I was really excited about it,
but they were trying to sell the talk show

and a lot of people didn't wanna buy it
because no one thought they'd watch.

There was this one station manager,
and this is a quote:

"No one's gonna watch it.

No one's gonna watch
a lesbian during the day."

"Well, they weren't watching me
at night. What time of day is good for...

a lesbian?"

So...

Yeah, and then I get on the air
in the first season.

I'm sure you have it archived.
if you look back at the first season.

I kinda had to tone it down a little bit,
I had to dress differently.

I was, you know...

My hair was different.

I had to wear necklaces,
crazy things, really. Just...

"Is Ellen wearing a necklace?

It's very delicate.

She may not be gay anymore,
I don't know.

Does she still have the cats?
She may not be gay."

But then, you know, the years went on

and people watched the show
and liked the show

saw that I was the same person
I was before

plus I started giving stuff away
and people love free stuff.

Oh yeah!

"I got a TV from the gay lady.

I sure do like her."

Yeah, so, starting season 16
this year and now...

So, it turns out they'll watch a lesbian
during the day. They...

So, now everybody's pretty cool
with the fact I'm gay.

Everybody's fine with that.

The one thing people get really
upset about

is when they find out I'm
vegan.

Oh boy.

"You're vegan?
Where do you get your protein?

Why do you care
where I get my protein?

Where do you get your riboflavin?"

It's hard to be vegan.

If you go to a restaurant,
unless it's a vegan restaurant.

they don't know what to do.

You know, you say: "I'm vegan.

So well, then you can have the chicken?

No can't have the chicken.

-I'll get the asparagus.
-Well, that comes with Parmesan cheese.

Can you do it without?

-Alright, I'll just get the salad then.
-Well, that's soaked in ham juice.

-Why?
-That's how we do it, don't know."

I'm not really vegan,
I say it for the joke. But I'm not...

Oh, look...
how happy you are.

Oh my God, you're so happy
I'm not vegan.

"Thank God, Ellen. I was trying
to laugh along with the vegan bit, but..."

"Oh, Ellen!

You were helping us for a minute there."

I was vegan for 8 years and I really do
believe that is great for you.

I was healthier than I'd ever been,
I love being vegan.

But just in the last year or two

for no reason, really. I just started
eating a piece of fish once in a while

and I'll eat eggs
from chickens that I know.

You know what I mean? Like...

If they're in someone's backyard

and they're wondering around
and they're happy

and they don't have a husband.
Do you know what I'm saying?

You know....

You know what I mean...

You know what I mean, yeah.

Some of the restaurants are trying
to figure out how to help vegans.

There's not a lot of option
at most restaurants.

But the fine dining. I love that phrase.
"Fine dining."

"-How's the dining?
-Fine."

They try to be so fancy
when you go into the "fine dining".

"Have you dined with us before?

No, but I've dined in other places before.

Something different gonna happen in here?

Sit down and eat and pay
and leave, right?

OK.

Some of these restaurants
they have the waiters that...

I get so much anxiety from
the waiters

that refuse to take your orders
and write it down.

They insist on memorizing your order.

Oh my God, I have so much anxiety.

I don't know why they insist on doing it.
like they're impressing us in some way.

You know, like, we're gonna go home
later that night lying in bed talking:

"I still can't get over that waiter.

Oh.

Every single thing, he remembered.

Yep, the green beans.
I thought about that too, on the side...

Good night."

If I see
they're not gonna write it down.

"Do you mind if I write it down
and give it to you and then...

you take it in
the kitchen?

Is that okay? 'Cause...

I'd like it to come out right."

It's just so... I'm filled with anxiety
when they come up to the table

and they just come up and:

"And the lady will have?

Thank you.

And for the gentleman?

Shouldn't be a problem.
I'll speak with the chef and... yes.

And the green beans on the side.
I'll do that, thank you.

And for you?

Deathly allergic.
Alright, I'll remember that.

Yes.
No, deathly allergic.

I got it right there, thank you.

And next?

Thank you.

And this side of the table?

Excellent choice."

I hate when they say "excellent choice"
right after me.

"What was my choice?
It wasn't...? Why?

Why do you say that to her?"

Some of the nicer restaurants have
the bathroom attendants in there

which is a... I don't understand
how that job got started.

That was somebody's idea.

I don't know who started that.

I don't know if some person,
a customer in the restaurant.

"I'd like to speak to the manager.

I'm the manager. Was there a problem
with the meal, everything OK?

Everything was fine, thank you.
Delicious, as a matter fact

but when I went into the bathroom...

I was all alone.

Nobody was in there.

Alright, so you would like someone
to go in with you?

No.

I'd like someone already in there
before I get in there waiting....

listening.

The bathroom attendant
used to be a simple thing.

There was a woman in there
and there was a hair brush and some mints

by the way, who's using that hairbrush?
That's...

There's hair in it already
and you just...

Now, it's like, it's grown.

It's like, now, there's anything
you could possibly want in the bathroom.

It's like, a whole bodega
is set up in there.

There's like...
There is a make-up display

there's is a curling iron,
hair extensions

crudités

Oh, are those strawberries in season?
Those look good.

You leave the bathroom
to go back to your table.

"I'm full, I ate in the bathroom.

I don't need anything.

Oh, and the hummus was good."

If I go in there
and if I don't have any money on me

and they're trying to hand me the towel

"No, thank you.

I can't... No.

I don't... No.

I don't deserve it,
give it to the lady there.

No, thank you. I'm good."

That's a job, there are so many jobs
when you think about it.

There are so many different types of jobs.

I like my job.

I have a good job.
I... a few years ago

"Be kind to one another."

And...

Yeah, that's what I thought. But...

And it's a wonderful thing, it is,
but here's the downside

I can never do anything unkind,
ever now, ever.

I'm the be-kind girl.

I'm...

And I'm kind, I'm a good person.

I know I am, but I'm a human being
and I have bad days

and I'm in traffic like you, I drive

but I can't do the things you do
because I'm the be-kind girl.

You know.

I mean, if someone does something rude
in traffic to you, you can honk...

and let them know
your disapproval and I...

I shouldn't even have a horn
in my car.

There's no reason for me
to have a horn.

I can't honk ever at anyone.

Like, if someone cuts me off
in a dangerous way

if I honk, they are like: "Ellen?"

Yeah, that and the dancing.

That was a mistake, too.
That...

I'm not a dancer.

I just danced as a joke.

And then I danced
the second day too good

and then the third...
And I was locked in, I was the dancer.

Like, I mean

Baryshnikov doesn't get asked to dance
as much as I get asked to dance.

People see me, whenever they see me
anywhere, they're like:

"Dance Ellen, dance."

And I'm like...

"I'm getting a mammogram.
I can't move right now.

How did you get in here, anyway?"

Yeah, I can't...

When I'm in traffic, here's the thing.

I love to drive and I like to drive fast

and I'm safe, but I do like to go fast
and so slow drivers...

irritate me, because they're going so slow
and let's be honest.

It's usually a Prius, isn't it?

They've got the "coexist" bumper sticker
on the back

listening to NPR

knitting a hemp scarf...

If I see a Prius going fast, I'm like:
"Good for you!"

I don't know why it is.
Whenever we pass someone going slow

we have to see what they look like.
We're always like...

"That's what you look like.

I thought so, I thought..."

There's nothing more embarrassing
than when you pass up a slow driver

to show them the proper way of driving.
You go around them

and show them how they should be driving

and then you hit a red light.

And you're watching them slowly creep up
in your rearview mirror, and you're just:

"Please, change. Please, change.
Please, change."

And the light doesn't change
so they just creep up alongside of you.

"I'm just gonna look down here
and touch that.

I'm gonna see what that is,
right there, with that

because I have to see this and...

No, I know you're next to me but you're
still wrong, even though you caught up.

And I'm gonna do that with my finger
for a while because..."

I don't wanna judge. You don't know
why someone's going slow.

You have no idea.
Maybe they're transporting a bowl of soup.

I don't know, you know.

I really don't like to judge,
except for people who say "libary".

Then I do.

"Libary"...

Really?

OK.

The place with all the words?

OK...

You know what word's not in there?
"Libary".

No, I don't like to judge 'cause...

I do stupid things, we all do...
Everyone does stupid things.

But the difference is,
when you do something stupid

you're just a person someone saw
doing something stupid.

When I do something stupid,
it's a story.

I went to a gas station
to put gas in my car

And there's a group of teenage boys
across the way and they're like...

really cool.

They were vaping and...

"It's Ellen, oh my God, it's Ellen."

And I'm like...

and...

then I realized I pulled up,
and the gas pump was over here

and my tank was back here,
on this side of the car.

They're looking at me,
and I'm looking at them and...

I get back in the car...

and I pull around.

Now, it's still on the wrong side...

because I've just pulled around.

And they're still looking at me...

"I don't wanna look like an idiot."

So, I just filled up the back seat.

I just...

I'll buy a new car, I don't care.

I don't have that many
childhood memories.

And I think because my mother told me
she was rocking me

when I was a little baby
and we went over backwards and...

I thought, how fast
do you have to be rocking...

a baby?

How is that soothing for either of us?

She said she held my head.
I don't think she did. She...

And she has no memory either.
I think we both hit our heads.

I'm not sure.

But the only memory,
I have a couple of memories

when we would go to a gas station
when I was a little girl.

My dad would only get
a dollar's worth of gas, all the time.

Every time we'd go get
a dollar's worth of gas

"Just fill it up once, just..."

And I look back now
and I'm like: "Oh, we were poor."

That's why. He had...

only a dollar.

Makes sense now.

I was raised in New Orleans and...

we...

It's a wonderful place to grow up
and I was raised Christian Science.

That was a religion we were.

And if you don't know Christian Science,
it is a religion

that does not believe in doctors
or medicine.

So my entire childhood, I never had
a vaccination, never had any medicine.

They believe we are spiritual beings
having a material experience

in the material world and the mantra
that they say is: "Know the truth."

And the truth is, there is no pain
unless you give it pain with your mind.

I was 10 years old.

I split my knee open
and my bone was exposed.

And my dad told me
to "know the truth" and I said:

"Well...

the truth is...

My bone is exposing its...

material-self to the material world.

Help me."

And then I passed out.

Yeah, we never had a vaccination,
never had...

But they even kept, like, medicine...

I didn't know anything about medicine.

It's amazing, we were poor
'cause we never had medicine.

We never bought anything.
We should've saved a fortune on that.

But...

my grandmother lived with us
when I was a little girl

and if an Aspirin commercial
came on the air

she would get up from the sofa,
go to the TV

turn it down, stand in front of it
and hum a hymn really loudly like...

So you can imagine my fascination
with Aspirin when I was a little girl.

Like...

"What is Aspirin?

What is happening?"

Oh my God, it was just like...

I mean, we'd be in the car,
driving past the drugstore

"I'm gonna get Aspirin someday."

My parents divorced when I was 13.

I went through
sort of a bad girl phase, I was...

on Aspirin.
One, two a day.

I was like...

I was on Aspirin a lot.

My parents were obsessed
with celebrities

and so, hi, here I am.

Yeah, they really made it known that
celebrities wear something and...

I remember, Charlton Heston
came to town

and I was four years old
and everybody was crowding around

trying to get a good look
at Charlton Heston.

And my dad put me on his shoulders
to get a better look at him

'cause you know
how four-year-olds love Charlton Heston.

He was using me as bait, hoping
that Charlton would go:

"Oh, cute little girl."
And come over, you know.

'Cause people do that to me. If I'm out
somewhere and people have a baby

They'll hold it out towards me

like, for me to hold it and I'm like:
"This is cashmere, no."

But you know, so then I grew up going:
"Oh, celebrities!"

I guess, everybody's like that
but like, I mean, I was 16.

I was younger than that I think
Michael Jackson was in New Orleans

and I was so... I heard where he was,
that what street he was on

and so, I chased, I didn't chase.

I was walking, he was walking,
he started running, I had to catch up.

And...

So I was excited by celebrities.

I was really like, you know,
and like I said...

Do you wanna finish laughing?
I don't wanna stop you.

Hm.

But I really, you know,
as much as that was an imprint

that celebrities were special
and, you know, I knew that

I didn't think I was gonna be a celebrity.

I didn't have a talent,
I didn't play an instrument

I didn't sing, I wasn't in drama class,
I didn't act

I wasn't a class clown

I was just kind of a regular kid.

And I didn't know what I was gonna do.
I graduated high school

I'm still lost

I just was doing anything
to pay rent and...

I shucked oysters,
and I sold vacuum cleaners

and I worked
for a landscaping company

I was a waiter, which by the way

I think everyone should wait tables
at least once in their life.

Yep.

That and coal mining
'cause that seems hard, too.

But I didn't know what I was gonna do
and my life changed

when I was 21 years old
and my girlfriend at the time

was killed in a car accident

And I passed the accident.,
it had just happened.

I didn't know it was her
'cause she was in a different car.

I almost stopped
but then sirens were right behind me

and showing up so I kept going
and I found out later it was her.

And... so...

I had to move out of the...
place we were living

'cause I couldn't afford
to live there anymore.

I had no job, I had no car, no money.

I moved into this
tiny basement apartment

and you could hardly stand up in it.
It was two rooms and...

I had a mattress on the floor

and the entire basement
was infested with fleas.

There were fleas everywhere.

And I was laying there
and I just couldn't believe...

It was the first person I ever lost
that I loved

I was just... how is this possible?
This beautiful young girl is gone

and fleas are here.

I don't understand...

what fleas do even.
I was so angry at fleas and I was like...

And I just thought they must do something
because I do truly believe

that everything in nature
works together.

Even if we don't understand it,
it does something for something else.

And I wanted to understand this.

And I thought I would like to talk to God,
not just pray

but I would love to be able to pick up
the phone and call up God

and ask questions
and get the answers.

'Cause I used to write all the time.
I journaled and I wrote poetry.

So I started writing what it would be like
to have a phone call with God

to find out why fleas are here.

and it wasn't meant to be funny.

I'd never done comedy before and...

but I started thinking,
well, it would ring for a long time

it's a big place and then

he'd put me on hold
because he's a busy guy and...

Onward Christian Soldiers would play
but it was live, not a tape and...

I'm not gonna do the whole thing.
Go back and watch the special but...

Anyway, I finished writing it.

I literally wrote without stopping,
I finished writing it

and I read it and I said to myself:

"I'm gonna do this on Johnny Carson

and I'll be the first woman
in the history of the show

to be called over to sit down
to talk to Johnny Carson."

And...

I mean, I'm in a basement on a mattress
with fleas, never done comedy.

I make that statement,
six years later, this happens.

Thank you very much!

-That's well done!
-Thank you.

Yeah, that's very clever
and very fresh, and..

Well, that's wonderful
hearing that from you.

No, I mean it, it's good material.

-Thank you.
-How long you've been doing it?

That was before I got my new voice.

That was my first voice I had and...

Sinbad dressed me for that, by the way.
That was...

I wish that was a joke, but it's not.

He did.

So, now, that particular look,
the mullet, the outfit, everything

is on the internet forever
and ever and ever.

That's the thing about the internet

and social media has changed
all of our lives.

I mean social media is... I think there's
good things about it obviously

and we can reach a lot of people
and the world is more connected now

but...

we don't talk anymore,
our phones never...

if our cell phone rings...
"Who's calling me, who would...?"

You know, I found, Portia and I,
on a Sunday afternoon.

I'm laying on the sofa,
I have my phone.

She's laying on the other sofa,
she has her phone

and we were in that Instagram vortex
that you get stuck in

and you just find
all these different things

but instead of finding something cute
and sharing it and going over there

and saying... Like she's four feet
away from me.

We are just silently, without talking,
sending things back and forth...

Like, I'd send her this.

And she'd send me this.

I'd send her this.

She sent me this.

I send her this.

She sends me this.

And then I sent her this.

Yeah, yeah

Yeah.

"Birds that dance to music."

You'll see, there are so many of them.

Birds... it turns out, love music.
And you can see they have rhythm.

"Oh my God, that's crazy."

And then I started really thinking
about it, 'cause I love animals so much

"I don't know how I feel."
Because when people get birds as pets

they clip their wings,
they put them in cages

they don't get to fly anymore

but these birds get to dance
and they know music and they're...

listening to music
that they'd never otherwise hear

if they were in the jungle, you know.

Because the birds in the jungle
have never heard Kendrick Lamar.

They don't know who he is.

They're flying
and they think they've got it all

but they don't.

They're missing out on music
that they could be flying

and then getting down on the...
you know.

I'm torn, I don't know how I feel.

Because I feel like animals should be
in their natural environment.

That's what they should be doing.

They should be
wherever they're supposed to be.

I have an issue
with all the emotional support animals

that people are flying with now.

It's just gotten out of hand.

There was a woman trying to get
on the plane with a peacock the other day.

They didn't let her on, thank God,
but I mean, not that she doesn't need it.

Clearly, she's crazy.

You know...

I don't know what the requirements are
to get an emotional support animal

but I don't think
they are too tough to...

It's the same doctor
that prescribes medical marijuana.

I'm pretty sure that, you know...

-"Doctor, sometimes I worry...
-I've heard enough.

I'm gonna prescribe you pot and a pet."

Now when you fly, it's like...

I mean you're walking down the aisle
to your seat, which is you know

10B or whatever it is

It's like Noah's Ark.
There's a woman with a ferret

there's a man with a mongoose,
there's a lady with a donkey.

I say 10B,
does a plane go back that far?

I've never been back there.

Are there ten rows?

Are there ten...
I just guessed.

I don't know, I just guessed.

People...

People used to take Xanax
when they were stressed out.

Now, they're carrying animals
around with them...

I...

There are so many pills.

If you look at the commercials
that are on the air, most...

every commercial is for some type
of medicine, some kind of pill

and I don't know if you've noticed it...

the medicine commercials...
The side effects are so long...

that the people on the commercial
are running out of activities.

They don't even...

They've done some gardening,
they've gone on a picnic

they're on the lake in a boat,
they've gone to get ice cream.

They've gotten a pottery class,
they've played frisbee with a dog.

They're still listing the side effects.

"Whooping cough, back hair, crying..."
And it's just...

They should say anything at all:

"Side effects could be,
think of something.

Yep, you could get that for sure.

You might not but you might."

"Ask your
doctor if Trulicity is right for you."

"I don't even know
what's wrong with them.

They seemed fine, like,
I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's right for...
I've gardened.

I don't know if I should get it."

"Ask your doctor
if Trulicity is right for you."

Why is that my job?

Like...

"Ellen, you seem pretty sick.

Got your eye on any good medication
you want to tell me about?

Trulicity? I...

That could be right for you."

And now,
I saw an advertisement for a pill

that stops headaches and migraines
before they start.

That's some good marketing
right there, isn't it?

-"Are you in any pain?
-No, not at all.

I'm gonna give you something for that.

But...

-But I'm not in any pain...
-And you won't be."

I think that's why I don't wanna have to
take any of these things

I see advertised on...
I just...

I wanna eat right,
I wanna take care of myself,

I wanna work out.

I used to work out a lot.

I was working out like six days a week
and then I had a sports injury.

I pulled a muscle...

putting on a sports bra and...

Those are too tight,
they are too tight. They are.

Yeah.

And then when you're sweaty,
trying to take them off... It's like...

I've never taken one off.
I have 15 on right now.

First one is from 1984 jazzercise
class I took. That's...

I do have an injury that's...
kind of a problem for working out now.

So I was having pain
in my third and fourth toe.

If you don't know, one had roast beef
and the other had none.

But...

So...

I've had this pain
and I went to go see a podiatrist

and so he looks at my pods
and he said that...

- "You have a neuroma."
- "You have a neuroma."

I said that to him.

Hum.

But...

- "What do I do about that?"
- "Nothing.

You can't do anything about it,
it's a inflamed nerve

from wearing
the wrong kind of shoes."

"Do you wear like soft-soled
shoes, like tennis shoes?

- "Yes, that's what I wear."
- "That's the wrong kind

of shoe for you.
The best shoe for you to wear...

is a cowboy boot.

Goodbye."

So I had to go buy new shoes
with harder soles

and when I was trying on shoes,
I realized, when we try on shoes

we do things
we're never gonna do in them.

We stand up.

"These are good.

These are good.

If I have to do that, that's good.

These are good, I like these.

That's good. If I have to do that,
that'll be good.

These are good if I have to do this.

Yep, I like these, I'm gonna get these.

Yep."

When we try on shoes

there's a little tiny mirror
on the ground.

For the shoes to see themselves,
'cause you can't.

"What do you guys think,
do you like them?

I can't see.

Do you want them?"

Shoe salesmen are like no other salesmen
for any other thing you buy.

"I'd like to try those
on a size six."

They come out with boxes.

"We didn't have a six
but we had a nine and a half."

And...

We try on everything that we're gonna put
on our body except for socks, I realize.

We don't try socks on

because we trust...
Because the size is so...

It's like size three through 11.
It really...

It's like...

It's gonna fit.

It's like your childhood, through your
adulthood, you wear those things.

But they are so, the thing is

if you have a sock that you like,
everybody has their favorite socks

and you will wear those socks
as long as you possibly can.

You'll wear them
until there's a little tiny hole starting

"That's not that bad."
That's...

a simple little hole
that you can just...

Your heel can be poking through,
it's like a halter top for your foot.

It's like...

Little holes everywhere, you think:
"Who's gonna to see it?

I'm just gonna keep shoes on,
they're not gonna see that."

Then you go to somebody's house
and they have a shoes-off policy.

I gotta get the fuck out of here.

We keep things

we all keep things that are, you know,
I don't like to waste things.

I don't like to...
waste food.

I don't think that's a good thing.

So I try to keep everything
and use everything

except for when ketchup gets
down to that...

part where it starts making that noise,
I'll throw it out

because there's no need in keeping it
when it makes that noise.

That's...

But, like toothpaste

I will use every single bit of toothpaste
in that tube.

I will, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And it's not about the money.
You know that.

I mean...

It's about winning.

When I roll it, I make sure
there's nothing in there, in the pockets.

I roll it real tight.

I'll take my black American Express card
and I'll just squeeze it.

Flatten it out.

If I have a gold bar laying around
I'll take the gold bar.

Yeah, we all have our little quirks.

We all have our things that we do,
that kind of doesn't make sense.

But I think that one thing that we all do,
that I've noticed that is...

We all have our song, right.
We have the song like:

"Oh my God, that's my song."

And if we're at a club
and that song comes on

you wanna dance but you will not dance
until you hit the designated dance floor.

That's what I've noticed. Only when you
hit the dance floor, will you dance.

But if that's your song when you're 30,
it's still your song when you're 85.

I am 60 years old
and I'm dancing to "Back That Ass Up".

Yes, I turned 60 this year.

I turned 60 in January and...

So, for my birthday this year

my wife, Portia, gave me
the most amazing gift.

She established
The Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund

to save the mountain gorillas.

In Rwanda, so...

So we went to Rwanda
for my birthday this summer

to go see the mountain gorillas
and see the the site

where we're building my campus,
and it was unbelievable.

It was really, really special.

But you know,
to find the mountain gorillas

they live in the mountains and they are
in the jungle in the mountains.

And... it's a jungle out there.
I'll tell you that. It's...

And it was raining for a long time
before we got there

like a month before we got there
and so it was really muddy

and there's like stinging thistles
and all kinds of brush everywhere

that you've got somebody
hacking away with a machete

and you're trying to get through

and sometimes you had to crawl
this far under, we're sinking in the mud

like, to our knees and...

three hours up the mountain at some point,
I was like...

Oh my God, it was so hard but...

It is so worth it
'cause when you get there

and you see this thing
five feet away from you...

So majestic, so beautiful.

Portia and I took a picture
and this guy photobombed us back there.

But yet, so you can see like her hair
is soaking wet

she's got mud on her face
and we're...

So we get down to the bottom
and we take a picture with our group

that we went with,
and you can see the mud where...

we had all fallen
and sank into the mud.

If you wanna see how happy I am,
if you'll zoom in on my fist there....

Yeah.

That's...

That's my "Happy Birthday" fist
right there.

Yeah.

The thing is, I didn't pack correctly.

That's what was wrong
because I packed to go on Safari

and I looked good.

I went on safari and I looked
like I should have been on safari.

I didn't have waterproof clothes,
I didn't have waterproof shoes

I didn't have the right things.

But I find, when we go on vacation

we pack for who we want to be,
we pack for this...

fantasy personality that we're gonna have
when we go away.

When we're on an island, they don't know
we don't wear white linen all the time.

Beads in a big floppy hat.

That's who we are, you know.

We just, we're like:
"Well, for sure I'm gonna work out

'cause there's a gym in the hotel,
so I'm gonna bring my...

running shoes, I'll run on the beach
every day. And then I'll do...

yoga on the pier.

I've seen that in the brochure, and...

I'll bring a poncho in case
there's a bonfire on the beach.

I'll wanna have a poncho on.

I'll bring a gown in case
there's a captain from a boat

that I have to have dinner with.

I'll bring some books,
I'll read for sure.

I'm gonna read.

I don't read at home, but I'm gonna
read there, I'll have a lot of time.

I'm there three days,
I'll bring six books and...

Yeah.

Cut to you, sitting at a bar, drunk,
in the same outfit the entire time.

I love that we imagine that we're gonna
curl up and read a good book.

I love that expression.

I'm gonna go curl up
and read a good book like...

You don't curl up for a magazine,
you don't curl up for...

Although, when I read the paper

I curl up in the fetal position
now, that's...

That's for sure.

But I do love these expressions.
"Curl up and read a good book" or

you know, "a bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush".

Did someone have a bird in the hand

"There's two in the bush.

Yeah, but I got one in the hand so...

-But there's two in the bush.
-Yes, but I got one in the hand

and that's worth two in the bush.

-It is?
-Yes

one in the hand is worth two in the bush."

Why do you call it the hand?

It's your hand.

Why do you say "the hand"?

"For Pete's sake!"

Who is Pete, and why are we doing
everything for his sake?

"Fit as a fiddle."

Is that a good shape? I don't know.

My favorite expression is,
"best thing since sliced bread."

Really, Is that the benchmark
right there? That's...

Sliced bread really came about...

In 1928 somebody decided
to slice it, in 1928.

That's not that long ago.
Bread has been around forever.

Jesus broke bread.
He didn't even know how to slice it.

I mean all throughout history,
no one sliced it?

Like, soldiers with swords,
they're putting their swords down

so they could grab bread
and gnaw on it, like...

They probably "took a stab at it"

which is where that expression came from.
They stabbed at it...

with their sword.

Nothing happened, so they just...

And then finally, in 1928, some gay guy,
you know he was gay, for sure.

I mean...

"I refuse to be a barbarian anymore.

I'm slicing it.

Heathens."

He was popular, too.
I mean, the fact

that he has that, you know,
title of sliced bread....

Like he was probably at a party
in the '20s.

Can you imagine
that Thomas Edison is there

and the Wright brothers and...

"Is the guy who sliced the bread here?
I heard he was coming to the party.

Is he here?"

I mean, it should be
like best thing since...

fire, or the wheel, or the ladder.

You know...

I mean, the ladder,
we take that for granted.

I know you don't think
that's as important but it really is.

What did we do before the ladder?

We all had to have a tall friend
to reach things for us.

You know...

It was probably a tall guy
who invented the ladder going:

"I have aspirations of my own.
I am not gonna...

continue to do this the whole time."

The ladder is an adult purchase
if you really think about it.

You don't buy a ladder
when you're a teenager.

You buy a ladder
when you're an adult.

When when you have a house,
and the bigger the house the more ladders.

I have a lot of ladders...

I have a six-foot, I have an eight-foot

I have the extension,
the 20-foot aluminum.

And when I married Portia,
she had a little ladder.

So I have a step ladder,
but I love it just the same, I do.

I wrote that at 3 a.m.

I thought either this is gonna be
the worst joke I've ever written...

or the best.

I've decided, it's the best.

I think a junk drawer,
that also is an adult thing

that happens when we're adults.
We get a junk drawer.

If you go home, we all have the same
stuff in our junk drawer.

We all have...
For some reason we won't throw

a rubber band away
There are tons of rubber bands

like 24 rubber bands are in there, like...

in case, a bunch of little girls come over
for pigtails one day. I don't know...

There's a red ink pen in there just...

in case you have to grade papers
or something. I don't know, just like...

There's a roll of Scotch tape

that's out of the container,
just the roll, and it's...

You can't get it started
'cause it's half-way broken anyway

and you just keep it.

There's a AA battery. Does it work?
I don't know, I just don't...

I put it in there.

There's a key and you don't know
what it's to.

You won't throw it away,
'cause what if someone finds it

and opens something?
What do they... like...

Walk around, opening...

I heard someone say that a junk drawer
is a metaphor for your life.

Like we're holding on to things
that we don't need to hold on to

that we should let go of.
I don't know if that's true.

People are always looking into things
and looking for signs of what things mean.

I don't know, I...

For a while there, I was...

Every time I looked at the clock
it was 11:11

and every time, and I started wondering,
like, what does this mean?

And for me it was a dead battery, but...

We all have people, that we know,
that look into signs way too much.

You know, they'll be like: "I don't know
if I should be in this relationship.

There's a squirrel. Squirrels live
in trees. Trees have leaves.

I should leave him."

I think we're all looking for signs

because we're all looking for validation
that we're on the right path.

And when we see signs like that

we think that means
that we're on the right path

which by the way,
we are all on a path.

We're all on our own individual path.

Nobody should be on anybody else's path.

We should be on our own path.

Unless you're lost in the woods
and you see a path. Follow that, but...

I think that signs do help us
and I think that if we pay attention

to those signs, they do guide us.
And some signs are easier...

to spot than others. And I had something
that was pretty significant

that happened to me and...

I didn't even know I was struggling
with coming out.

I mean, whenever you're closeted,
you're always thinking about it.

It's on your mind 'cause you're worried
that someone's gonna find out.

You're worried
that someone's gonna know

and so, it is on your mind,
so subconsciously we're aware of that.

But I didn't realize that
until I had this dream.

I had a dream that I was holding
a baby finch, like a little precious bird

and it was my pet and I put it back
in its cage which was this beautiful

multi-tiered bamboo cage

and the bird became me,
when it went into the cage and...

all of a sudden it realized
that it was up against the window

all alone, and the window was open
and the bars were wide enough

for the bird to fly out.
And it had been the whole time.

"Don't leave, you're safe in here."

"I don't belong in here."

And flew out.

And the next morning,
I woke up and I said:

"I'm coming out."

And...

before I had that dream

I didn't realize I was in a cage.
I had no idea I was in a cage.

I had a great life.

I had a successful sitcom.

I had fame, I had money,
I had everything that I thought...

that was important.
But I was hiding a part of myself

and whenever we hide anything
from anybody, it's because...

we're worried about
what someone else is gonna think of us.

And, even though...

I knew that was gonna be difficult.

I had gotten to the point
where it was more important for me

to feel proud of who I was
and live my truth

than worry about
what other people thought of me.

And...

And that time, after I came out, was...

really one of the hardest periods
of my life, it was.

But it was the best part of my journey.

Because it is when I realized
how strong I was.

It's when I learned compassion.

It's when I learned
that the truth will always win.

And...

That's when you grow.
Like everyone has a fear

everyone's scared of something.

But it's not until you've faced
that fear head-on

that you realized your power.

And that's when you grow
and that's what we all want.

We wanna grow,
we wanna feel good about ourselves

we wanna feel proud of who we are...

We're all the same.

So, whether your bathmat scoot
is 50 scoots to get to the towel

or three scoots to get to the towel...

Whether you're gay,
or have dry eye...

We are all the same...

and we are all...

relatable.

Thank you.

Subtitle by Matheus Modesto

Thank you so much.

Subtitles downloaded with "Netflix subtitle downloader" UserScript by Tithen-Firion.