Rehab Cabin (2021) - full transcript

So spooky.

Ugh, why is this
the perfect Halloween movie?

God,
I hate school so much.

They're still on
the Dewey Decimal System?

But they have
that statue, so we're--

That's truly insane.

What middle school has
that kind of money?

Funnel it into
the light department,

because they need some lights.

Yeah, you would see the light's
off and you would go home.

- Hello?
- You would just leave.



You would see the
light's off and you would go:

"Time to go home."

Mrs. Westerberg?

Oh, I love this part.

Me too.

Oh, my God.
Here we go, here we go.

What the...

You go home.

No, no.
You accept your destiny.

I would have gone home.

- It's too late.
- No. No, no.

You leave.
Just leave. Hmm.

It's too late, now.

I love this.



Oh, God.

Hope you like strawberries.

Mm. Hah.

This strawberry
makes your eyes glow.

Oh.

Oh!

Hi, uh, Kimberley.

Th-th-this is Mark.

Kimberley.

Y-your mom's
told me a lot about you.

How was school?

Fine.

Um, I thought you were supposed
to help Mrs. Westerberg

in the library today.

She wasn't there.
Can I go?

Oh, uh...
we're having meatloaf!

You know I hate meatloaf.

Should I go?

I love that '90s magic
only works

in dark
dangerous weather conditions.

I love this.

Oh, my God,
she even sleeps convincingly.

Movie magic.

For the time,
you know what I mean?

Hi, Kimberley.

Do you like this more than
Just Add Water?

Um, yes.
Of course.

-Don't you?
-I don't know.

Just Add Water
is really good.

But this is just better.

Hmm-mmm.

Kimberley, how was school?

Hey, I-I have something
for you.

Just, uh,
stay right there, okay?

Don't move a muscle.

I thought you might like this.

It was mine growing up.

That glove
was his growing up?

It was, like, brand new.

Thought we might...
have a catch.

She wants to spit on him.

Okay, he's not not hot.

I love
World Wide Witch.

I know you do.

You know,
Cher was supposed to be

the mermaid queen in
Just Add Water.

I do know.
You say that every time.

That would have been amazing.

My sister used
to watch that every day.

I think that's actually how

I found out
about Amanda Campbell.

I saw World Wide Witch
in theaters

on opening weekend

before anyone was even
talking about Amanda Campbell.

Oh, my God.

Okay, shh.
Shut up, shut up.

Sorry.

She's not here.

Let's just go home.

Kimberley, wait.

I thought I lost you forever.

Kimberley,
I have to go now.

No, you can't.

The spell is wearing off.

I have to go back
into the computer.

No, you can't.
I won't let you.

Please. I need you.

No, you don't, Kimberley.

Not anymore.

I love you.

I love you too.

-Kimberley.
-Yeah?

Good luck in sixth grade.

Hey, Kimberley.

Good luck in sixth grade.

You bet, Mark.

"You bet, Mark."

This movie makes me so happy.

You don't look happy.

-She was really talented.
-Yeah.

Hey, guys.
Welcome back.

Thanks for joining us

for the Amanda Campbell's
Crash and Burn Marathon.

This weekend, all weekend,

we are celebrating our favorite
loose cannon, Amanda Campbell.

So, we just witnessed
her star turn

in World Wide Witch,

and now we're going
chronological

with her big splash:
Just Add Water.

But first, we have
a few recent developments.

And these
are too good to ignore.

As you know, former
child star Amanda Campbell

was seen in New York City
this week wreaking havoc.

No! No!

I love it.

It's like watching
a train crash in slow motion.

It's crazy they're still
dragging her through the mud.

Yeah.

Guys, she was seen punching
a paparazzo on Sunday night.

And just last night,

she was seen passed out
at a club at 2:00 a.m.

Yikes.

Oooh, looks like all that time
spent in rehab was for nothing.

Sorry Amanda!

Boo!

Maybe the fifth time's
a charm?

Maybe not.

Her career is over.

Oh, let her be.

Her career is not over.

Let's see, four years ago
was her last movie,

and since then she's done
two cameos as herself.

So she's struggling, yes.

But that just means
someone needs to help her.

Like,
someone should do something.

We watched
Celebrity Intervention.

Yes. And it is
the celebrity lifestyle

that is keeping her
in this vicious circle.

I... don't think it's her
fault, if that's what you mean.

People want to watch her fail.

I don't know, I...

I feel like
if somebody showed her,

like, a simpler, more relaxed,
like, lifestyle,

she would come out of the--

this whole thing on the other
side just completely fine.

Are you talking about
our simple relaxed lifestyle?

Well, no, but--

Frozen waffles and friendship

probably wouldn't do
a lot for her.

Okay.

All right, everybody.

We are dying to hear
what you have to say

about Amanda Campbell's
deeply personal struggle

with substance abuse.

Tell us what
you think on our website,

on every single one of
our social media platforms.

Text us or call our
24-hour hotline.

And we'll be right back with
Just Add Water.

I wasn't saying
we would save her.

I'm just saying someone
should do something.

I'm sure there are people
who care about her

and are worried about
her and want her to get better.

I don't know.

Addiction is a disease,
and...

Oh.

Yes.

You're right.

I'm sorry, Dom.
I wasn't--

I-I'm sorry but...

All right,
well, I'm going to head out.

Wait, what?

Where are you going?

I'm going out.
I told you.

-No, you didn't.
-Yeah.

Janet and Ian want
to hang out with me

before I go back to school.
Janet's starting her new job

and Ian is going to the Cape
with his parents,

so, last chance.

But Just Add Water
is on next.

I have to see
my other friends.

You leave for
school in, like, three weeks.

Yeah, and I'll be here
every day until then.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
we get to hang out.

Are you kidding me?

We hang out together
every day, alone.

And I love that,
but people think I'm dead.

Got to go.

Okay.
Yeah, that's fine.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Say hi to 'em for me.

Do you want to come?

They hate me.

All right.

Yeah.

I love you.
I love you, too.

I need my magical seashell.

If you give it back to me,
you will be paid--

With what?

With this
other magical seashell

that can see into the future.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Okay, pause.

Shh.

They met through their agent.

Oh, she was, like,
summoned to his office.

Ugh.

That's a weird way
to get a wife.

Could you?

-What?
-Phone.

Okay.

Oh, it's your dad.

Hey.

Chloe.
Just calling to check.

I know you haven't
forgotten about tonight.

I'm down a driver

and I need you to take
limo five's booking, okay?

Okay.

Please just show up,
please don't be late,

and please
just wear the uniform.

Can I rely on you this time?

No, yeah.
That's fine.

Okay, bye.

-Working tonight?
-Yep.

Bachelor party in N.Y.C.,
baby.

Oh, fun.

It's going to be wild.

I'm not coming with you
this time.

Okay, help.

Hang on.

Choosing an elective.

Advanced Action Painting.

Sounds good.

23 down, four letters.

-Kismet?
-Fate.

Oh, right.
Yeah, duh. Thanks.

Is it supposed to rain?

No.

Do you know
when they're coming out?

I don't know,
maybe like another hour or so.

Okay.

Or, maybe now.
Hide.

Take me to the hotel.

Can we go?

God, I don't want to be here
anymore.

Get out of the car.

No. Go away!

Um...

Miss Amanda Campbell,

I-I think that, um,
you may have the wrong car.

Just drive. Drive!

Okay.

Put the thing up.

Absolutely.

Now!

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What do we do?
It's Amanda Campbell.

Yeah.

Do we just take her back?

Yeah.

Just take her back
and explain everything.

Uh-huh.

You could have turned there.

Chloe.

I think this
is an opportunity.

What?

-The plan.
-What plan?

-Last night.
-Waffles and friendship?

I think this might be destiny.

This is a coincidence.

Magic?

Fate.

There is something divine
going on here.

What about
the-the bachelor party?

You don't even know
where she's going.

I need a cigarette.

Pull over.

It's going to be fine.

What are we doing?

Can't talk here.

Talk about what?

We can't do that.

Think about it, Domenic.

These things don't happen
all the time.

That doesn't
justify kidnapping her

more than we've already
kidnapped her.

Ugh, we have
not kidnapped her, okay?

Besides, she doesn't
even know she's been kidnapped.

She's not going to be your
friend once she figures it out.

All right.

The relationship will
be strained at first, sure,

but we've all seen
Beauty and the Beast.

And we can't take her
to the house.

No. I feel it.
No. I say no.

-No. Veto.
-Upstate.

We are not holding a celebrity
hostage in my family's cabin.

Do not call her a hostage.

This is philanthropic.

This is serious.

It is perfect,
it's isolated,

away from all the glitz
and glam of Hollywood,

away from alcohol
and, and paparazzi.

Living in the original church.

-Huh?
-It's nature, Domenic.

Mm.

Look at her.

I really think
we can save this girl.

She looks like the devil.

I don't know, Chloe, this is--
this is a serious thing.

No, no, no.
Come on, come on.

Hey, look at me.
Look at me.

Don't think about it like that.
Just don't think about it.

She's not even
going to be mad.

Like, when she's better
and having her McConaissance.

Look, I don't want
to do this without you.

Think of it
as our one last hurrah,

and then you can abandon me
for college again.

All right, enough.

I'm going to save
Amanda Campbell no matter what.

Okay?
I'll do it by myself.

But I want you there.

I need my best friend there.

Please?

There goes
Amanda Campbell.

-Wait, what?
-She's going somewhere.

Hey, where are you going?

I have to pee.

-She's peeing.
-Peeing in the street.

Yeah, well,
that's where we're at.

First of all,
I want you to know

this is not because of the
Beauty and the Beast thing.

But this,
this does feel like a sign.

She, she fell in our laps
and, and, and maybe the--

Maybe you're right,

God help us,
the, the cabin.

It, it would be
a great place to recuperate.

It could be fun,
it will be fun, I'm having fun.

Yeah.

We're going to grow
a lot from this experience.

Ah!
No punching.

Zero punching.

Atta boy.

Rehabin' in the woods.

- Okay.
- One time.

-I'm going to walk away.
-Yes. Yes.

Take her phone.

What?

Okay, we have
to take her phone.

If she finds out
we're going northeast

and not northwest,
she might text someone.

We should have done it sooner.

Okay, that's creepy.

I'm not a criminal.

Okay.

No. No, no, no. Go back.
Ten and two.

Fuck it.

I'll have to go
all the way back there.

She's holding on so tight.

You have to get it.

Slow.

Okay.

Okay.

Now what?

She's going to notice
that we have it.

Okay, dude, I didn't
have a plan beyond that.

Oh.
it doesn't even matter.

She's got that...
she's got that face I.D. shit.

So cool.

I did it.

I guess
we're really doing this.

Dude.

Where are we?

Oh, good.
You're awake.

We are just arriving at
a new innovative facility

for grassroots inpatient care.

I have no idea
what any of that means.

So, again, where are we?

I cannot disclose
where we are,

but I can say
we are here to help.

You're kidnapping me?

-Not exactly.
-Yeah...

You're kidnapping me?
Are you fucking serious?

It's for your own good.

Oh, my God. Oh. God!
Cunt!

Yeah. Okay. No.

Okay, thank you.
Right back in.

-No!
-Oh, fuck.

No! Oh, God! Ah!

- Open the door.
- I'm opening it.

It's okay.

Oh, my God.

No!

We're all going to
laugh about this later, okay?

The keys.
Oh, the keys.

Where are they?

There should be a spare
in the groundskeeper's shed.

Groundskeeper?
Is he here?

No, I mean, I don't--
I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

Let's just...
Go. Back up.

Let's go that way.

Okay.

Hold her.

She's weirdly heavy.

You got her?

I do not got her.
I'm holding her feet.

I got her.

The keys are
next to the fridge.

Okay, we're falling over.

I got rope!

Domenic?

Hi. Help.

Ugh,
I know, girlfriend.

This is so degrading for me,
too.

But we can't have you starve.

Fuck off and let me go.

Don't yell.
Eat the sandwich.

Please eat.

-Eat the sandwich.
-No.

- Eat it.
- No.

-You have to.
-No.

-You'll die.
-I hope I do.

-Eat it!
-No!

-Yes!
-No!

- Yes!
- Yes!

No!
Goddamn it!

I can make you another,
or something else if you want.

Sure.

- What would you like?
- Salad.

Okay, if we have any it's
from, like, a month ago, so...

We might have some chicken.

I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, you're a vegetarian.

I guess I'm, like,
the Wardrobe.

What?

In Beauty and the Beast,
The Wardrobe?

Like, when the Beast is
like "go ahead and starve"

and then...

So, I'm going back to college
in a few weeks

and Chloe's going to have
the house to herself,

and she doesn't do great
without me,

but she's a really
special person.

I think
she'll really grow on you.

Anyway, how are you?

Oh, duh. Sorry.

Can I ask you something?

Is it weird to know that,
like, I know stuff about you

that you wish no one knew?

Yeah, that's
a self-answering question.

Sorry.

This is amazing.

You're just saying that
so I'll let you go.

No, really.
It's good.

That'll do, pigs.

That'll do.

I can't sleep,
so let's do that.

I have so many ideas.

She's so nice.

We're doing such a good thing.

Amanda? Amanda?

Amanda?

Amanda.

What?

Oh, shit.

Listen, so, we have some stuff
prepared for you downstairs

if you'll cooperatively
accompany me.

I don't really have
a choice, do I?

Not really.

Okay. Whew.

Almost there.

Jesus Christ.

If you will just have a seat
in this comfortable armchair.

Sit down.

There you go.

Okay.

Welcome to the Rehab Cabin,
Amanda!

Okay.

Located in
a completely isolated cabin

in a location we're
not at liberty to disclose,

our team of non-medically
trained professionals

will help you
get back on track.

With the peace
and serenity of nature

as our guide,
we hope to improve your health,

help you kick
that pesky drinking problem,

regain your confidence
and rejuvenate your career.

Oh, God.
Oh, my God.

This is insane.
You're out of your minds.

Look, it's not going to

be super regimented
or anything.

We're just going
to have some non-alcoholic fun

in the woods
for a few months.

-Wait, months?
-A few months?

Chloe we, like,
didn't talk about-

I'm an international celebrity.

Everyone knows my name

and you two are going
to get thrown in jail

for a long fucking time,
you crazy asshole people.

Oh sh...

It's my dad.

Be casual.

Hey, Dad.

Dom.
Where you been, champ?

Thought we were taking
the plane out today.

Sounds like you went ahead
without me.

Um, yeah, I meant to tell you,
Chloe and I are at the cabin.

Why didn't you tell me
you were going up there?

The whole family
would have come up,

it could have been fun.

Yeah, we're,
we're doing, like,

a one-on-one hangout thing

before
I go back to school.

That's real sweet.

Yeah.

You heard
from your sister lately?

-No.
-You?

No.

I don't want to hold you,
kiddo.

Say hi to Chloe for me.

-I will.
-Bye.

Bye.

Whoo!

Amanda?

Amanda.

Amanda, could you
please come downstairs?

We'd like to get started.

Why are you doing this?

We're trying to help you.

We want you to be
in good movies again.

No.

Why are you doing this to me?
I didn't do anything.

Um, okay.

So, um, a few years ago,

my sister was also really
struggling with addiction.

Um.

And it was really hard,
um, on me.

She was, like,
my best friend in the world

and then I would look at her

and it was like I couldn't
even see her, like, at all.

I couldn't help her, so...

Is she okay?

We haven't heard from her
in almost eight months.

Look,
I'm not going to be nice

to you now because
of your sob story, okay?

Like, Domenic told me about

your weird Beauty and the Beast
Stockholm Syndrome thing.

That's fine.

Yes, French-kissing puppet?

I have a question for you.

Go ahead.

When do we kiss 'ze girls?

Well, French-kissing puppet,

we don't kiss the girls
while we're driving.

Fuck you guys.

What?

-Why?
-This is your idea of rehab?

We're just
going to sit around here

and watch shitty television?

Oh, my God.
We are trying to demonstrate

a simpler,
more relaxed way of life.

What would you like to do?

Go back
to the city, obviously.

Other than that, obviously.

Okay. What would you like
to do right here, right now?

I want to go home!

Okay, Demanda.

Oh, go fuck yourselves.

Oh, I have a board game!

A board game?

We made it when I was a kid.

Aw.

Hee-ah.

This was fun.

You're both
completely fucked-up still,

but it was fun.

So, goodnight.

That's an improvement, right?

Should one of us...

Oh, you know what,
let her go.

I think she's going to be okay.

I still don't know
the point of the game.

Yeah.

Ow!

Was that...

I'll,
I'll check upstairs.

Jesus.

Shit, shit, shit.

This.

Domenic!

Oh, you know what, Amanda?

You're not going
to get better

if you keep on drinking
behind our backs.

I'm not drinking.
That's the problem.

I could literally die.

Consider why you're here,
Amanda.

Consider--
No, please.

Consider why we brought
you here, okay?

Concern.
That's why.

Genuine concern.

For your personal health,
safety and well-being.

Huh!
Okay, we trusted you!

We let you
put yourself to bed

and you go behind our backs-

Do you hear yourself?

Do you hear
yourself?

We are trying to help you--

And I don't want it.

Oh, my God,

I am so mad at you right now,

I can't even look at you.

I swear to God,
I have to look over here--

You?
You're so mad at me?

Oh, my God, this-- this is
why you only have one friend.

That's not true.
Did you tell her that?

Exactly!
He doesn't have to!

Name one person.

Name one person besides him
who's friends with you.

Great. Michelle Pavlakis.

And who the fuck is
Michelle Pavlakis?

She delivers our pizza.

Hah!
Do you hear that?

That's the most pathetic
thing I've ever heard.

Ever.

I hate you!

And I hope you fucking die.

So, how does that feel?

How can you be friends
with that?

She's my best friend.

How? How?

Hey. Good morning.

Holy shit.

What's wrong?

She's in withdrawal.

From alcohol?

Cool, we get
a withdrawal montage.

This is a medical emergency.

I was kidding.

Go get the stuff, please.

Don't take your time.

Don't take your time.

Hey-ey.

How is she?

Oh,
I, I got this, um...

I found this straw
in the car.

I washed it, so...

Are you mad at me?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I don't know why
I get like this.

I guess I just get,
like... like, jealous?

And then it, like,
weirdly comes out.

Chloe, I'm not going to
abandon you for a '90s icon.

I would abandon me
for a '90s icon.

Yeah, movie stars only, right?

Movies, TV movies.

That guy from Silver Chair.

Okay, isn't it weird that all
movie stars are doing TV now?

Like, if you were born
to be a TV star,

but born at a time
where A-list movie stars

are on TV,
where do you go?

I'll try to be nice.

That's all I ask.

What are you doing?

How'd you sleep?

Great without the ropes.

Great.

We're going on a hike.

And you leaving me here?

No, you're coming.

-I am?
-Yeah.

Do you know that scene
in World Wide Witch

when you're walking
through the forest?

Yeah.

It has always been
a personal dream of mine

to recreate that scene.

Also exercise.

It'll be good for your ankle.

Yeah. Exercise.

Okay. I have a question:
of the civilians

that recognize
you on the street,

what percentage would you say

do the "you bet, Mark" thing
at the end?

I don't know.

God, that movie is good.

Not in just,
like, a nostalgic way.

In a good way.

You should be proud.
It's so ingrained.

Oh, like the--
like the Kimberley

going to middle school song
at the end.

Is everything okay?

Just-- it really
sucks when you peak at 11

and everybody's judging you.

Robert Downey Jr. is
welcomed back with open arms.

Rob Lowe made a sex tape
with a teenager

and everybody loves him,
and... Johnny Depp...

God, Chris Brown
didn't even try.

I don't even
get credit for trying.

-Are you trying?
-Yes, I'm trying!

I did a self-deprecating comedy
and two movies last year.

God, On Demand
is still demand.

Yeah, of course.

Whatever.

I know that I'm fucked-up,
but at least I'm trying.

Amy Winehouse.

I mean,
when she died everybody

was like "big deal,
who didn't see that coming?"

I mean, God,
when a man overdoses

he practically gets canonized.

God, I can't even think
of an example right now

because I'm too sad.

Heath Ledger.

Amanda,
I understand what

you're saying about women
and it's definitely true,

but I don't know if you
should be comparing yourself

to Amy Winehouse,
God rest her soul.

Or him.

We're both addicts.

Amanda, it's very brave
of you to say.

It's...

I'm never going to be as good
as that stupid movie.

I'm never going to be
that good again.

John Bellucci.

-Amanda?
-What?

Backstreet Boys or NSYNC?

NSYNC.

What?
Are you serious?

Cool, another thing that
you guys are obsessed with?

Well, look, Backstreet Boys
are superior in every way.

First of all,
they pretty much started

the entire boy band thing.

No, they didn't.

New Kids On The Block.

That was before our time.

The point is that
NSYNC wouldn't even exist

without
the Backstreet Boys, so...

Actually, I've started
to see the point of NSYNC.

- You have?
- Yeah.

It seems silly to have
a Red Socks, Yankee thing,

when clearly Justin Timberlake
won the whole thing.

Okay, yeah, but Domenic--

Plus, NSYNC
is just more fun.

Their songs are more dancey.

I mean, Backstreet Boys
are great for, like,

a downbeat love song,

but nothing beats
"Tearin' Up My Heart".

Hey, I've got a question
for you, Amanda.

Can you have kids?

Excuse me?

Like, do you want kids?

Or do you think
it's your responsibility

not to have them?

What is she doing?
What are you doing?

And just like
the lifelong shitstorm

that comes with being
the child of Amanda Campbell.

I mean, would that be
considered child abuse?

You're a fucking asshole.

Do you even like
acting anymore?

It's none
of your fucking business.

I mean, your parents chose
it for you and we all know

what happened with them, so,
why do you even keep doing it?

Chloe, don't.

I mean it.

You make most of your living

from night club appearances
though, right?

Like, you're playing yourself.

You're famous
for being famous.

Look, I'm not always on,
okay?

And when
I'm not that means

that you don't get
to have an opinion.

Oh, you're acting
during nightclub appearances.

Okay, so, does that mean,
like, when you're on the street

and you're being followed
by paparazzi that you have to,

like, get in character
in order to not feel violated?

I'm not acting.
It's self-preservation.

I'm protecting myself
from losers like you

who think that you know me.

So, you've turned Amanda
Campbell into a character.

That's not what I said.

-You sort of did.
-Can you just stop?

You're putting words
in my mouth.

-I was just--
-Chloe. Stop.

-Domenic, I was just--
-Just shut the fuck up.

Domenic.

Come here.

I-I... Chloe, I truly...

I do not want
to do this right now.

Can you not pull...

The groundskeeper is here.

Okay. Okay.
That's okay.

He's--
He comes for the horses,

he, he never
comes up to the house.

No, you know what?

Yeah. No. Yeah.
It's-it's-it's--

-Let's kill him.
-Wait, what?

Amanda cannot know about this.

How's it going?

I'm surprised to see you here.

I thought it
was just going to be me

and the horses like usual.

Yeah, we're-we're just--
We're here. We're--

Oh, sure, sure.
I understand.

Sounds like fun.

I wouldn't know anything
about that.

Oh, okay.

So, um, we're just...
we have a third friend here.

She's-she's-she's
not feeling great.

Um, she was-- she was up
all last night just barfing,

so, if you could, you know,
just keep it down,

she just finally went to sleep.

Right.
That's why we're whispering.

Oh, sure, sure.

Well, I just wanted
to stop by and say hi.

I thought
I saw someone up here

and I wondered
if it might be a mirage.

Uh, this job
can be pretty lonesome.

Mm.
Anyway, so good seeing you.

We're just going to... we're
going to check on our friend.

All right, bye.
I like your shirt.

Missing
actress Amanda Campbell

last seen
getting into a limousine

outside a popular
night club two weeks ago.

Witnesses from the scene
of Campbell's disappearance

describe
two Caucasian suspects,

one male and one female
dressed in what reports

have called
an ill-fitting men's suit.

Authorities urge all
locals to be on the lookout

for any suspicious individuals
matching this description.

Jeez.

I thought we were past this.

I know.
I'm... I'm sorry.

Just trust the program.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I'll be right back.

Okay, well,
I mean, that's cute.

-Yeah, right?
-Yeah.

-Hey, again.
-Woah there.

Something I can help you with?

I forgot cheese.

-You...
-Forgot cheese.

I was going to make an omelet,

but how can you make
an omelet without cheese?

Can you?

I-I-I wouldn't
know anything about that.

Well, anyway,
I was wondering if you guys

could have some cheese
I could borrow?

Not that
you're going to want it back.

We don't have cheese.

I am viciously
lactose intolerant.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Thank you.

God bless you, child.

Thank you.
You know, I'm so sorry

I couldn't be of any help,
but, you know...

Don't worry about it.

Don't even think
twice about it.

Thank you.

Chloe. Chloe.

We need to talk.

I hate that.

Rephrase it.

Can we talk about something?

-Are you mad at me or--
-No, no.

Okay.

I think,
I think that we should...

we should-
we should talk-

Domenic, I can't hear you when
you whisper that quiet.

You know I had scarlet fever.

Yeah, you didn't lose
your hearing.

Some people did.

We should let Amanda go home.

Huh?

Hm, I don't know.

We brought her to
the Rehab Cabin.

She's not drinking anymore.

I hesitate to say we did
a good thing, but, you know...

She hasn't even had,
like, the 12 steps or whatever.

Like, you can't have a Hab Cab
without the habilitation.

Well,
I just feel weird about it.

So-so weirder.

Why?

Because you guys
are friends now?

-Yeah, so, I guess so.
-Yeah.

At the very least
I, I care about her.

You do, too.

So, I think it's time
we just let her go.

Mmm, oh,
I just don't think so.

Not yet.

Hm.
Okay, Chloe.

We're running out of time
to do this on our terms.

The groundskeeper is here

and you were really
out of line on the hike today.

I have to go back
to college in a few weeks, so-

Wow, this is so like you,
Domenic.

What are you talking about?

When, when have
we even been in a situation

even remotely similar
to this?

First, you flake out
on all of our plans

so you can go to college.

Those
weren't real plans.

You wanted to live in
a slacker movie with me.

I didn't go to college
to spite you,

I went to college because--

Your parents said.

Because your parents said.

No.
Because I wanted to.

Because I wanted
to have an adult life, yeah?

God, that's so weird.

For some reason
I thought being an adult

meant that you were not
a total coward.

-Hey.
-Hi.

-We're out of waffles.
-Yeah.

Hey, Domenic!

And, at some point,
I was like

"I cannot spend
another second here."

Hey.

I'm just going to
go out to get some waffles.

And other stuff.

Okay.

Need anything specific?

No.

-Amanda?
-No, thanks.

Great.

Mm.

Wait, is that you?

Yeah.
This is...

this is fourth grade.

Yeah, because we did this class
project on the presidents.

I was William Taft,
but I was so embarrassed

because the girl
that was Grover Cleveland

had a fatter costume than me.

It's not supposed to...
Anyway.

Bitch.

Oh. Oh, it's...
it's my mom.

Well, just leave me untied,
okay?

Hi, mom.

Yeah.
Sorry I missed your call.

Help!

Hello!

Help! Help!

Goddamn it,
I'm Amanda Campbell.

Nobody cares.

Dear.

Oh, my God.
Amanda Campbell.

My parents want to know
when I'm coming home,

but I'll talk to Chloe again
and see about the whole thing.

What did you do?

He was going
to call the police.

Domenic.
Now don't panic.

I have this under control.

Were you going to kill them?

Hah!

No.

Not her, but him, yeah.

We have to let them go.

Domenic.

If we let him go,
he's going to tell.

That's what they all say.

It's over.

It's been two weeks.

It's over.

I'm out.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

This is crazy.
This is fucking crazy. You...

I just want
to go back to school.

-I just--
-Can you not

make this
about school right now!

I am not making
this about school,

I am saying that I do not,
cannot,

want to commit felonies
with you

for the rest of my life,
yeah?

Why not?

Is that a question?

I mean, yeah.

Yeah, not
the felonies part, maybe,

but, like, I don't
understand why you want to,

like, get away from
me so badly all the time.

I took a year off
to hang out with you.

I put my education on pause.

I wouldn't do that for anyone
but you, I don't--

But no, no, because,

because you
guys have been, like,

teaming up and talking
about me behind my back.

When?

When-when-when
did this happen?

- Earlier today.
- When?

Earlier. I don't know.

The whole, like...
the, like...

the, like, I-can't-spend-
another-second-with-you thing.

Oh, my God, I was-I was-

I was telling her
the Adam story.

You've heard
that story 1400 times.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Adam sucked.

We need to talk about
letting them go.

We need to talk
about turning ourselves in.

No, it's not time.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's not time.

It's time.
It's so time.

No, because-because
this version of Amanda Campbell

is not going
to, like, march back

into Hollywood
and make good movies.

Look at her.

She's going to,
like, maybe land

an ABC Family Christmas movie

in, like, four to six years,
so...

Okay.

Excuse me. Hi.

Um, now that we've steered
this conversation away

from your fucked-up
friendship,

I think it's important

that I get a chance
to speak for myself.

No, I will not go back
to making great movies,

because no one will insure me.

Okay? And this,
this did not motivate me to get

my life back on track at
all because you kidnapped me.

And, Chloe, I am, I am
so sorry about what happened

to your sister,
but that does not justify--

Wait, wait.
What sister?

Her sister.
The drug addict.

What did you tell her?

I don't have a sister.

What the fuck, Chloe?

It wasn't my fault.

It was her fault.
It was her fault.

She was the one who was like
"why are you doing this?"

Like, I thought she
would feel better if we had,

like, a real reason.
It was a story.

She told you about my sister.

Domenic, I--

Ew!
Oh, my God.

You're even crazier
than I thought.

That is awful.

Oh, "ew," Amanda?

-Yeah.
-Ew? Ew?

Am I crazy?
I'm fucking crazy?

I'm crazier
than you thought, Amanda?

Yeah!
Yes! I'm crazy?

I regret every second
of this kidnapping vacation.

No, you don't.

I can't wait to go back
to school.

How are you?

Oh, I'm good.

Would you like a hot dog?

Oh, no thank you.

Okay.

So, what do you do?

I'm a hot dog vendor.

I sell hot dogs.

I see that.

Would you like a hot dog?

I have enough for everybody.

You really like baseball and-

You look really pretty.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, sorry.
I wasn't talking to you.

Hey. Hey, Chloe.

Oh,
hey, sleepyhead.

Chloe, listen to me.

This isn't good behavior.

This-this doesn't
even count as behavior.

Hm.
It is behavior.

But behavior is, like...

like what teachers
say when, like, when you...

like, the way
you're supposed to be.

They don't say behave
when they want you

to hold
three people hostage.

Yeah.

But bad behavior
is still behavior, right?

Yeah, but you...
you have to specify.

Well, you have
to specify for good, too.

They don't just let people
out of jail early for behavior.

That would just be,
like, people doing stuff.

All right. All right.

I'm sorry. I'm...

I'm sorry for turning
on you and making you think

that this was the only way
you could deal with me.

Thank you.

Will you please let me go?

Look, I'm sorry
about the stuff I said

about school
and regretting this.

-I didn't mean it.
-Yeah?

I was caught
in the heat of the moment.

I was a bad friend.

And if you untie me...

I'll, uh, I'll help you

deal with the groundskeeper.

-You promise?
-I promise.

Okay.

So. I was thinking
that a reasonable method

might be to put
a plastic bag over his head.

You know, give him
a couple minutes and--

Hey, Dom! Domenic!
Stop fighting me!

Ow!

You're untied. Go!

Let's go.

Domenic!

- Does she have a chainsaw?
- I don't know.

Domenic, wait!

I am not trying to kill you!

She's going
to fucking kill us!

Chloe, no, no.

Please we--
we can talk about this.

I-I-I just-just...

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I...

I'm sorry
that I brought you here.

I'm sorry
that I got you into this,

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I don't like being this way.

I don't like
being this insecure.

I don't like fighting with you.

I just want things
to go back to normal.

Mm.

Um, I have given you
so many chances.

You're, like, the only person
I have, Domenic.

Like, I guess there's
my dad, but I've missed,

like, two and a half weeks
of work

and he hasn't even
called to see if I'm alive.

I know I'm a loser.

But I thought
that's what you liked about me.

Chloe.

Can we please just go back
to the house and resolve this?

Please.
We can do whatever you want.

I just want
to be friends again.

Sorry.

Oh.

That's okay.

That's okay. That's over.

Ow!

Fuck you!

Why me?
I'm on your side!

Oh, you actually thought you
Patty Hearsted me?

I'm Amanda Campbell

and I'm an actor,
damn it.

God, she's good.

Welcome back to Trash Talk.

For our final segment
this evening,

we'll be deep diving into

the aftermath of
the Amanda Campbell trial.

I personally am so relieved

to have our girl back
from those monsters,

and I just want to say that
you're doing amazing, sweetie.

- Seriously.
- You know I.

Oh, I know, and I just
want to say that,

even in her darkest days,

I believed in her
from the very beginning.

And Amandaheads everywhere
are thirsty for more.

Even now,
after months of her rescue,

she's issued
no public statement

concerning her experience.

Listen, the nation mourned
after her disappearance.

Family, friends
and devoted fans

were desperate for answers.

And I know, personally,
I'm still craving that loss.

Mm.

And sadly
no word yet on when

we'll next be seeing
Amanda on the big screen.

Despite numerous
major studio offers,

the big legend seems
to be avoiding the limelight.

Who knows what's next
for the newly sober Amanda?

All right,
when we come back

we're going to be taking
a deep, dark look

into the insidious minds of
Amanda Campbell's kidnappers.

Stay tuned.

Oh, they know

I can't even move a finger.

And I won't.

I'll just sit here, quietly,

in case they do... suspect me.

They're probably watching me.

Well, let them.

Let them see what
kind of a person I am.

I'm not even
going to swat that fly.

They'll see.

They'll see
and they'll know.

And they'll say "why,
she wouldn't even harm a fly."

Okay,
it's getting better, right?

Hey.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm good.
I like it here.

-How are you?
-Okay.

I'm going back
to school next semester.

That's nice
they're letting you back.

Yeah.
My dad pulled some strings.

I got time served

and, um, I'll be busy with
community service,

but I guess it's...

better than being in here.

Okay, nice tattoos.

Oh.

My bunkie wanted to practice.

Cool, I-I like 'em.

Now, I'm confident that
they look good.

My dad doesn't
like them, but...

Yeah, well...

What's with this eye?

Won't be getting out
on good behavior.

How is Amanda?

I don't know.

Haven't seen her
since the trial.

No, I mean,
like-like on the news.

She's retiring.

She's staying with
her normal person cousin

in, like, Michigan I think,

doing an outpatient
intense rehab thing.

What?

What?
Isn't that what you wanted?

She's taking
her health seriously.

No.

I wanted her to be
in good stuff again

so I could be relieved
of my responsibility

of watching
her terrible TV movies.

I didn't want her to get better

so she could just,
like... like, be better.

This is like the opposite
of what I wanted.

Well, it isn't up to you.

And, you know,
it's not a responsibility.

You don't have
a responsibility toward her.

If-if she's making shit
you don't want to watch, Chloe,

just don't watch it.

You don't-- you don't have to
cling to every fucking thing

that made you happy
in your childhood.

You don't...
especially if it starts...

no, look at me.

Especially if it starts
throwing up on concierge desks

at-at-at different hotels
more than once.

Can you...
I don't...

Anyway. Yeah.

Domenic, wait.

Good luck in sixth grade?

You bet, Mark.

Okay, I'm cuffed to the table,
right, so, like,

it's a ready when-you-are
type of situation.