Reefer Madness II: The True Story (1985) - full transcript
"It's all a LIE!!" or so screams our hero, DETECTIVE JACK PERRY. We meet Jack in the prologue as he interrupts a telecast of a movie review program. He claims REEFER MADNESS, the classic cult film which the two critics are reviewing, is nothing but a slanderous lie. We have been shown clips of the original film where Perry was portrayed as a low-life drug pusher. Now, here it is, decades after REEFER MADNESS was first released, and the real life Jack Perry shows up and claims, "...the movie was made to frame me. I was actually an undercover cop!" The two critics don't buy any of his story. Jack says he can prove what he claims by showing his version of the movie -- which he just happens to have brought along. The reviewers tell Jack that they don't have time to show his film on their program. Jack's 44 Magnum convinces them otherwise. The film, which Jack proceeds to show, is the original REEFER MADNESS (Tell Your Children (1936)), but with a completely new soundtrack including dialogue, music, and sound effects. Jack is now seen as a bumbling undercover police detective who is trying to break up a drug ring headed by the evil DR. ALFRED CARROLL (the hero of the original film). Everyone in town seems to know what's going on, except Jack.
Please note: Throughout
the film we often will
hear what the characters are thinking.
On closed captioning
those "thought voices"
will be shown in Italics
(upbeat music)
- Good evening, and welcome
to "The Screening Room."
I'm Art Sands from the Predonia Journal,
and seated across from me
is Gilbert Anthony Cord
of the Post Dispatch.
- Thank you, Art.
Today, we'll be having a special show
where we will review one of the
classic films from the past.
And today that film's the
1936 movie Reefer Madness.
A film, which in it's day
shocked the nation with
it's graphic portrayal
of the terrible societal
problem of marijuana addiction.
And for my money Art,
it still today delivers it's message
with the same impact as it
did almost 50 years ago.
- I couldn't agree with you more Gilbert.
And I think that impact
stems from the fact
that the film is based on
an actual case history.
- That's true, there's
no question about it.
The film virtually reeks of reality.
- The story itself is a simple one.
Good versus evil.
The good in this case being
a high school principal
by the name of Dr. Alfred Carroll.
And the evil, a despicable
drug pusher, Jack Perry.
Let's first look a Dr. Carroll.
He's the hero of the film, the
voice of reason if you will.
As we'll see in this next scene,
Dr. Carroll tries to inform the local PTA
about the menace of marijuana,
which is already beginning to spread.
- That is the purpose of this
meeting ladies and gentlemen.
You and all of the school
parent groups about the country
and you must stand united on this.
Can stamp out this frightful
assassin of our youth.
The dread marijuana!
- [Art] And in this scene
Dr. Carroll is involved
in vital research for the
Federal Narcotics Bureau.
- A 16 year old lad apprehended
in the act of staging a holdup.
16 years old and a marijuana addict.
Here is a most tragic case.
- Yes, I remember.
Just a young boy.
Under the influence of the drug
he killed his entire family with an axe.
- Then there is the most
vicious type of case.
Here.
In Michigan, a young girl,
17 years old, a reefer smoker.
Taken in a raid and the
company with five young men.
Here is a particularly flagrant case.
- Yes, I remember the newspapers
made quite a play of it.
In West Virginia wasn't it?
- Yes.
- You know Art, Dr. Alfred Carroll
reminds me of the man in
the proverbial white hat
who stands alone against all odds
to fight against the wrongs of the world.
He is the classical film hero.
- Well I'm not quite sure I agree with you
that he's a classical hero.
To me he's more a traditional hero.
- I'm afraid I have to
disagree with you there Art.
I feel if anything these clips
emphasize his very classical-ness.
- Well the very definitions
of traditional and classical,
I'm afraid you're mistaken.
He truly is traditional!
- Art, we could go back and forth
on this one point all night long.
So look, let's just move ahead, huh?
Assuming he's classical.
- Traditional.
- Classical.
Now on the other side of
the coin we have Jack Perry.
Every bit as evil as Dr.
Alfred Carroll is good.
As you'll see in this scene
between Jack and his wife Mae,
he's a thoroughly despicable character.
- [Jack] Couple of you customers Mae.
- [Mae] Yeah?
Well they're old enough to
know what they're doing.
Not like those young
kids you bring up here.
- All right, all right.
Listen I'm gonna blow.
- Where are you going?
- I gotta make some deliveries
and I'll probably drop by Joe's place
and bring back a couple of the kids.
- Oh, I wish you'd lay off those kids.
- Oh, why don't you get
over that mother complex.
- So real.
Reefer Madness is one of those rare,
true story based films which
actually has a happy ending.
Dr. Carroll eventually was able to
round up the citizens of the town
to end this indeciduous menace,
and rid the town forever of
that evil monster, Jack Perry.
- Thank God.
- [Jack] Ah, Birdbutts!
That's it, I've had enough!
- What the hell is that?
- Who's there? What is this?
- Jack Perry, the real Jack Perry.
- Jack Perry?
- The one in the film?
- [Jack] That's right potato eyes,
and I'm here cause it's time
that people knew the truth.
That the film Reefer Madness is a lie.
It was made for the sole
purpose of destroying me
and my career.
I was never a drug pusher,
I was a undercover cop.
And I spent five goddamn years
trying to put away Dr. Alfred Carroll.
- The high school principal?
(laughs)
- High school principal,
I spit on your high school principal!
It was Carroll who ran the
drug ring in town, not me.
- Well then, sir.
How do you explain this movie?
- [Jack] It was Dr. Carroll's film.
He made it to ruin me
because I busted his marijuana operation.
It was his idea of revenge,
to make me out as a pusher.
And himself as Mr. Goody Two Shoes.
- Well then Sir.
How do you justify this scene?
Here Murray, run that clip.
Are you saying that's not actually you
handing Jimmy Lane a marijuana cigarette?
- [Jack] Yes.
Well, well no.
Well all right, I handed
him the marijuana cigarette.
But you're looking at this
thing all out of context.
You'll see what I mean
when you see my film.
- Your film?
- That's right bug lips.
Everyone's seen Dr.
Carroll's lying version
and now you're gonna see mine.
Uh, well not my lying version.
But my version.
I'm going to show it right
here on your program.
- Well we're just about out of time now.
Maybe we could book you
in a couple of weeks.
- [Jack] Yeah, maybe you
could book a coroner.
Does the term 44 magnum,
mean anything to you?
- Okay.
Well why don't you just
come right up, put your
film on the projector.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Sure.
Well, that.
That concludes our show.
On behalf of Art and yourself,
I hope you'll be back next week.
- I hope we'll be back next week.
- [Jack] Roll it, roll it!
- And now here, stay tuned
for a special preview showing
of a new film by Jack Perry
called, Reefer Madness.
- [Jack] The True Story!
- Reefer Madness... The True Story!
(Reefer Madness Theme)
♪ Once upon a time I was so innocent ♪
♪ I strayed not to the
left nor to the right ♪
♪ Washed my sheets once a week ♪
♪ Helped old ladies cross the street ♪
♪ Turn in all my school
work right on time ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Step right on up here everyone ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, weed
out Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Yes, you can sell it by the ton ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
(upbeat music)
(mysterious music)
- [Jack] This is my story, the true story.
Walnut Grove had the largest
narcotic ring in the state,
and I knew I could make my
mark by busting it wide open.
- [Paperboy] Extra! Extra!
Police wage war on the... gosh!
Read all about it, Dope
peddlers caught... darn!
Get the Courier Dispatch,
Police... phooey!
Late edition, Federals aid... shit!
Read all about it, School-Parent...
Oh read it yourself.
- [Jack] I suspected the
drugs were being distributed
at Truman High School.
That night I got a goddamn flat tire,
and I never made it to the meeting.
I wish I had.
- [Dr. Carroll] Good evening
ladies, and gentle dudes.
My name is Dr. Alfred Carroll.
Let me ask you a question.
What do you call it
when a surfer hits his head
on some coral and goes crazy?
Give up?
Reefer Madness!
(Dr. Carroll laughing)
Well, so much for the humor.
But, seriously I'm here to introduce you
to a bitchin' new program.
It's called Drugway.
It's an exciting
opportunity to earn hundreds
and thousands of dollars
in your spare time.
Donkey doughnuts you say?
Well, one day I was sitting at home,
snorting my socks,
and I asked myself,
Dr. Alfred Carroll, and then I said,
Oh just call me Al.
Okay, Al.
How can I earn hundreds
and thousands of dollars in my spare time?
There was no immediate answer.
But, later that night
an angel of the Lord appeared
to me and proclaimed,
Behold, I bring you baggies of great joy.
And that's when I formed Drugway.
- I gotta go.
- [Dr. Carroll] Now I'd
like to share it with you.
- You should have gone before we left.
- You shut up!
I'm talking here.
Besides, I paid for the coffee cake.
Now then.
(chattering)
I have several testimonials here
from people who have
joined Drugway and like it.
Let me read one to you.
Dear Dr. Carroll,
I would like to bend you over
a log and tweak your nipples
till they harden up
like cherry lifesavers.
Woops wrong letter.
- Darn it
- [Dr. Carroll] Here we go.
Dear Dr. Carroll,
you are a wonderful person.
Thank you for introducing us
to the exciting world of Drugway.
Because of you and your program
we are able to afford
so many lovely things.
Like twin beds for instance.
Now we don't have to sleep in a box,
the one that the television set came in.
When we started we had nothing.
Just two seedlings in a window box.
And now we have several acres
of prime marijuana
plants in our back yard.
All of them with great big buds!
Thanks to you, Dr. Alfred Carroll.
Sincerely yours, Mae Perry.
Well, you too can benefit from Drugway.
Just tell them what
they'll receive Johnny!
- [Announcer] That's right, Big Al.
You'll start off by receiving this handy
and amazing reefer roller!
It slices, it dices, it julienne fries.
Hundreds in seconds!
See the ease with which
this joint was made?
Why you'll be the envy
of all your friends.
But!
That's not all.
You'll also receive this head of cabbage,
and these bars of soap.
But, that's not all.
You'll also receive these railroad flares
and this handy box of roaches.
There's more.
You'll also get a pair of shoes,
shoes you can put aspirin in.
Just like this man here.
How much would you pay?
Don't answer yet.
Because, we'll also send
you this thing here.
And a copy of War and Peace,
the motorized edition.
Plus this fabulous watch,
filled with Jujubes.
And these moth balls.
Now how much would you pay?
Don't answer yet because
we'll also send you this
free half barrel of instant beer!
Just mix with water
and you'll enjoy a frothy cool one.
But, that's still not all!
If you order right now,
we'll also send you the
wonderful Ron-tel Pocket Furnace!
Now you can burn anything in the house
including your children's building blocks.
This and more can all be
yours through Drugway!
Back to you Big Al.
- Thank you Johnny.
And how can your groove
on this opportunity?
Let me tell you.
With a simple investment
of two thousand dollars,
you get started in Drugway.
Then you tell two friends,
and they tell two friends.
And so on and so on.
But isn't selling marijuana dangerous,
you might ask?
Well that's all right
because we are selling
marijuana with an h,
and only marijuana with a j is deadly.
- [Man] Good point I guess.
- [Jack] It took me three days
to push my goddamn car home.
I would've made it quicker,
but I pushed it right past my exit
and ended up in the next goddamn town.
(light music)
(snoring)
Get up Mae!
Get up you lazy wench!
- Oh what do you want?
- You've been sleeping 22 hours.
- Oh jeez.
You woke me up to tell me that?
I was having a funny dream.
You actually arrested someone.
- Hey, I made undercover.
I got assigned to the Drugway case.
- Oh so now you gonna use Kung Fu on me?
- Hiyah!
- You missed.
- Take off my robe. And
quit playing with my balls!
- Oh jeez.
Oh,
Jack left his socks lying around again.
Oh.
I'll just put them on.
(moaning)
- Oh, I sure could use some cholesterol
right about now.
Let's see, what do we have?
Ah, a box of eggs!
(doorbell buzzing)
Oh, what the fu...
(doorbell buzzing)
If that's the goddamn
paperboy again here to collect,
I'm gonna knock his goddamn block off!
(moaning)
- Say if you boys out there
are looking for a beaver,
I suggest you take a walk in the swamp.
- Goddamn son of a bitch!
Oh hi, Don Guido.
- You still owe me for the newspaper!
- Hey, come to collect, huh?
Hi Lucca.
- [Don Guido] Give me my
money and pick up that pillow.
- What are you gonna do if I don't?
Break my arms for something?
- [Don Guido] Good idea, Lucca!
- Hey, you see a place
where I can spit out my gum?
(fight sounds)
- Are you kidding, do what you always do,
stick it under your seat.
- Oh, yeah.
(moaning)
Say Mae, you got four twenty
five for the paper boy?
- Oh what do I look like, a wallet?
Pay him yourself.
- I can't.
They broke my arms.
You got any asprin in your shoe?
- Wha?
- Mae, how many times
do I have to tell you,
not to wear my dresses?
- Oh, yours are prettier than mine.
- I'd rip it off your back
but I can't get my arms up.
- That's not the only thing.
- Oh, that aspirin did the trick.
There's no time for breakfast.
I guess I'll just have to
whip these eggs up in the car.
(car crashing)
(women chattering)
- [Ralph] So guys,
where are we going, huh?
- [Man] What do you mean we?
Who the hell are you?
Would you quit following us around.
- [Man] Hey dude you stepped on my heel!
- [Ralph] Oh sorry.
Just trying to make friends, names Ralph.
Know where any parties are?
- Listen if I tell you about one,
will you leave us alone?
Blanche is having a Drugway
meeting at her place tonight.
You can go, but don't
talk to me, all right?
- Who's Blanche anyway?
- You'll find out tonight.
- Sounds real good to me.
- Get lost.
- Nice ass.
- [Jack] Hey you!
I'm Jack, I'm undercover.
It's a secret.
- I'm new in town.
Do you know any of them?
- [Jack] Oh, those kids?
Yeah, I've been watching them for weeks.
I can't seem to get close.
- It's easy, cross the street.
- Why I never though of that.
(laughs)
- Watch me.
- So Dude, you going to Blanche's
Drugway meeting tonight.
- Sure, tonight I get my pocket furnace,
it smelts in your hand, not your mouth.
- Listen man, there's
something I gotta tell you.
Either you take that
hand outta your pocket,
or I'm gonna strangle you.
You know?
- Oh sure.
- Nothing personal man,
but that's a filthy habit
I just can't stand.
- Hey, my fault I had no idea.
Won't happen again.
- Quit holding your
books like a girl, man.
Or I'll knife you in the eye.
- Hi, I'm Ralph.
I'm new in town.
- Oh, hello Ralph.
This is my brother Jimmy, back there.
- How are you?
- How's it going?
- Uh, this is Jack,
he's an undercover cop,
don't tell anyone.
- How you doing?
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- How's it going Mary, Bill how are you?
- Oh, I'm doing fine Ralph, how bout you?
- [Ralph] Not bad Bill,
Jimmy, Mary how are you?
- Oh, I'm okay Ralph.
Jimmy, tell Ralph.
- I'm just peachy.
- Oh, great!
- Hey, I'm gonna stay here
and introduce myself to these guys.
- Well,
say hi to them for us.
- Hi!
- So, what'd you say your
name was again, Jimmy?
- Jimmy.
What'd you say yours was again, Jack?
- No, I'm Jack.
(farting)
That was Ralph.
- [Ralph] No that was Jack.
- [Jimmy] No that was me.
(upbeat piano music)
(laughing)
- Hi Rick, I'm undercover, it's a secret.
- Nice disguise .
- Hi Jimmy!
- Hi, Angus.
Say isn't that Ray Charles?
- No, that's Hot Fingers Peronie!
- Boy he really swings
out a hot message of jive.
Let's boogie!
- Sure.
One, two, three.
Four, five, six.
Seven, eight, nine.
Ten, eleven, twelve.
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.
Sixteen, seventeen.
(slurping)
- Ot-gay any op-day AncheBlay?
- What did he say?
- Oolit-cay.
- Goddamn Blanche and her
goddamn foreign languages.
32, 33, 34.
35, 36.
- [Jack] I can see up
her dress from here.
62, 63, 64.
65, 66, 67.
68, 69.
- I'm bushed!
- I can play better than him.
(terrible piano music)
(groaning)
(puffing)
(quacking)
(quacking)
- Jimmy, do you hear a duck?
- You wanna what?
Right here?
- Sure!
(quacking)
(laughing)
- Hey Jimmy, you're fired up
but who's your stupid girl friend?
- Drop dead bitch!
Why is she calling me stupid?
- Well it's because you are.
But don't take it personally.
- Listen nobody calls me bitch.
Just step outside.
- [Jimmy] Oh, you'll knock her block off.
- [Ralph] Great, I love
to watch women fight.
- Hey Rick, smell my hat.
- Thanks for the tip.
(Mary humming)
- [Bill] Drat! Tried to get
a reflection up her dress.
It didn't work.
Yuck, jeez!
- [Mary] Jimmy should have
cleaned up after the dog.
- [Bill] Glad I didn't
step in whatever that was.
- I'm crazy about you scooty-boots.
But I hardly ever see you any more.
You're always so busy, Bill.
- I'm dating men.
(laughs)
Just kidding Mary.
I've always wanted to wear thick glasses.
So, I'm reading in the
dark to ruin my eyes.
Plus I need to find a job
to pay my family's rent
so Rocco doesn't kick us out.
- Oh, your own brother.
- What can I say, he wants to go condo.
- Not again!
- Bill, Mary!
- Oh mom.
- Who wants a cup of broccoli sludge?
- Thanks mommy-boots.
- Goddamn, where'd that stuff come from?
- What do I look like, Aunt Jemima?
If I wanted people to know I
would've of written a cookbook.
- Guess it's a secret.
- Keep it that way.
Want some?
- I tried to drink some with my nose once
but the broccoli stuck.
(laughs)
- Mary, there's something
I want to show you.
Here in my law book.
Look, see.
- Hey, what's that?
- A booger.
- Icky.
- But, it's not mine.
In Tucson though, it's against the law
to proposition cattle.
Ooo.
But you can sing.
♪ Oh give me a home
where the buffalo roam ♪
♪ And where makeup and
tight leather pants ♪
♪ They put weed in pipes
and smoke it all night ♪
♪ And run around the prairie and dance ♪
♪ Stoned ♪
♪ On the range ♪
♪ Where some of the cow... ♪
♪ boys are strange ♪
♪ They space out and laugh
and fall on their ass ♪
(kissing)
- Your singing sucks Bill.
Get out.
- Fine, I can't sing but
I can walk backwards.
Five miles everyday, backwards I walk.
Bye, I'll see-
(splashing)
- Scootty!
- [Bill] I'm drowning, help!
- Oh you squished my fish!
Now beat it.
- I'm gonna sue ya.
- [Mary] Bye!
- Dad it's five o'clock.
- Oh, don't sit on my truss like that.
- Have you got the rent check for me yet?
- Please Rocco , we said we'd
have it for you tomorrow.
- You're outta time, cough it up.
- And here's a roll of quarters.
- Bill, do you have
any money for the rent?
- I'm broke mom, sorry.
- Quarters!
Say what is this?
You people do this to me every month
and I'm getting sick and tired of it.
- We'll have it for you tomorrow.
- Oh, I promise we will.
- Well that's bullshit!
- Oh Rocco!
You know your father
hasn't been able to work.
Not since you nailed him to the couch.
- One of yous got to go
and it's gonna be you Mom.
- I'll kill you!
(Goofy Three Stooges sounds
as they run around the table)
- Hey, this is a three
hundred dollar suit!
- You little slum lord.
How can you do this to your own family?
To your own mother?
- Gee, I was just kidding about Mom.
Dad's the one that's really got to go.
- Well, if someone's gotta go,
it might as well be Dad.
- Dad goes tonight, and that's final.
But I'm warning you now,
if I don't get that money tomorrow,
I'm gonna level this place!
- Business is business.
Get me a gun.
- Dad before I throw you out,
who won the fifth at Belmont?
(humming)
- So Mary, you wanna touch my weenie?
- That's sweet Ted, but
I'm waiting for Bill.
- That's cool he can watch,
but he can't touch it.
- Oh!
- Where some of the cowboys are...
Hey Jimmy, I've been waiting for ya!
- Oh, sorry I'm late.
Mom was busy with the Milk
Man, so I had to dress myself.
- You did a fine job.
Neat wheels.
Been to the car wash today?
- Yeah.
Seat's still wet.
- Maybe you shoulda put the top up.
- Oh yeah, I didn't think of that.
Hey, what'd you say we go
over to Rick's and dance?
- Dance with you?
- No, there's girls down there.
- All right, then I'll dance with you.
(laughing)
- Get in.
(gears grinding)
- Grind a pound for me.
(car honking)
(piano music)
- Say, I've been meaning to
talk to you two clowns about your tab.
- Whoops, gotta go.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How you doin?
- Hot fudge sundae, oh and
don't forget to hold my nuts.
(laughing)
This is Blanche.
- Either you young studs
wanna make some big bucks?
- Bill does!
- Do you?
- I guess so.
- Oh, come on Bill, go for it!
- Well just so long as it's legal.
- It's called Drugway.
It isn't legal at all.
It involves selling pot, taking risks,
- I don't wanna sell pot.
- Sleeping with me.
- I don't wanna sleep... okay!
(demented laughter)
(Choo Choo Polka)
(doorbell buzzing)
- Move it.
(doorbell buzzing)
Hi ya!
- Hey, women!
- I'm undercover, it's a secret.
- Hey everybody.
Hey Agnus, I'm a lazy
boy watch me recline.
(laughing)
Hey, pretty good huh?
- Come on Bill, let's talk.
- I'm the only one here
with a suit like this.
- Sit down.
- Are you comfy?
- Hi ya.
Hi ya.
- Oh Mae, this is Bill.
Bill might join Drugway.
- Nice dress.
- Aw thanks, it's my husband's.
Speaking of which,
I've gotta get that bozo outta the house.
Hi ya!
- Ouch, ouch, my feet, ouch!
- Stop using so much salt.
- You shut up!
I'm not just a cop, I'm a health nut.
Hey, how did they like my dress anyway?
- They went ape shit.
Aren't you supposed to be working?
- So tell me where to look for dope.
I've been everywhere,
there aren't any drugs in Walnut Grove.
- Hey, what happened?
My hamster died.
- So next time, why don't
you put holes in the box?
I can't eat this there's too much salt.
- Give me a break.
Go somewhere, do something.
Be someone.
Here, be all you can be.
- Goddamn Mae and her
goddamn sister Blanche
always throwing parties
and never letting me stay!
Goddamn it!
- Hey, anybody here have gas?
- Oh, I do Jack.
- Oh good, then you can give
me a ride downtown Jimmy.
- Car problems?
- Yeah, it's backfiring.
- It happens to me.
- I've heard.
(record scratching)
(power music)
- [Sports Announcer]
Now back to live action,
in the couch wrestling contest.
The champ pulls a lap
lock with a hickey hold.
The challenger uses
eye gouging head twist,
the little monkey.
- No, I quit.
- Hey, everybody Jack's
gone, it's reefer time!
Let's get high.
(cheering)
- Hey, over here, don't forget me.
- How can I forget you,
when I don't even know you.
- Nice dress.
(mumbling)
- What?
- Someday I'll learn to inhale.
(laughing)
- [Ralph] Hey Bill, watch this!
(puffing)
- He's a dip stick.
- [Bill] This place is a
regular glaucoma clinic.
- [Blanche] Bill, about that job.
I'll call Dr. Carroll and set
up an appointment for you.
- Wow, just think,
I could buy hundreds of
thousands of suits like this.
(laughing)
- [Bill] Hey Ralph, you're a sponge head!
(laughing)
(car horn beeping)
- While I'm gone Jimmy,
keep a look out for drugs.
- I've never seen a joint before.
- [Jack] It was obvious the kid was naive.
I gave him one of the samples
that I keep around with me for reference.
He was so stupid he put
the wrong end in his mouth.
(mysterious music)
- Old fashioned typewriters
have to be wound up.
Dear Aunt Bee.
Hello Jack.
- Howdy Captain.
- How do you like my new desk?
- It's alright.
But maybe you should buy some chairs.
- Any arrests?
- I can't find anyone with pot.
You wanna buy some money?
- Otis?
Where are you?
Ohio!
Well get back here, or your fired.
He's on his way.
Otis what took you so long?
- Big crowd in the hallway, me.
- Glad your back.
I have an assignment for you.
- Why me, I just opened a big
and ugly men's shop in Akron.
- This is more important.
- I guess you want me to go shopping
for your wife's birthday present again?
- Get her something classy,
and elegant, and crotchless.
- Just grease her down and
ride her round the room.
She's a pig.
- Oh, that's not nice.
Her father was a rabbi.
Now, you get outta here and go shopping
or I'll make you retire.
Retire
permanently.
(menacing music)
Aloha!
(grumbling)
- I got a picture of
you, naked with a duck.
- It was a pelican.
Now what are you standing around for?
- [Jack] Goddamn guy ignored me
the whole goddamn time I was here.
I thought it was my meeting!
- Sincerely Floyd.
(cat meow. Jack falling)
- [Jack] Goddamn Cat!
Hey Jimmy I got some
more hamsters for Mae.
(traffic noise)
- Oh, my mind is fried, let's drive.
- Cool it Jimmy.
Say, what did you do with my sample?
- I lost it.
(tires squeal)
- [Jack] Go straight up here.
- [Jimmy] Okay.
- [Jack] Nevermind.
Make a left up here at
the next intersection.
- [Jimmy] Right here?
- [Jack] Oh, close enough.
- [Jimmy] Hey, I'm doing 47
and a half, is that okay?
- [Jack] If you do 55, you'll save lives.
- [Jimmy] Really?
- [Jack] Hey, five points for the old man.
(old man screams)
- [Jimmy] Where's my points?
- [Jack] It's just a game you play.
It's an expression, you
don't really hit him!
- [crowd] Hey, I want his
pants. Give me his shoes.
I want his tie.
Get his penis.
(Mom humming)
I wonder why daddy's so late for dinner?
After you marry Bill, make sure he calls.
- Bill hasn't called me for days.
- Oh, don't worry about him.
Boys can be dorky.
- But mother what if I lose him,
I'll just die!
- Oh quit talking out your ass.
You know he'll never find
a nicer piece than you.
I'm sure you'll end up very happy.
Now, how about some soup on a stick?
- No thanks mom.
I just hope he's not in any trouble.
- He's too stupid!
- You think it'd be too forward
of me to sit on his porch?
- Why don't you try his face?
Oh, hi Jimmy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
(kissing)
- Oh, you kiss better than daddy.
By the way, have you seen him?
- Yeah, I ran into him downtown.
- Hey.
Don't pick your face at the table.
- Are you insinuating something?
Leave me alone.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh all right, I ran over dad, he's dead.
There I said it, I hope your glad.
- Jimmy.
Don't tell mom, she
won't give you seconds.
- Jimmy!
I need to go to the store.
Will you run me over?
- [Jack] I was supposed to
meet downtown with the Feds
to learn who the head of the Drugway was.
But my stinkin' clutch went out
and I never made it to the
office of the F-O-B-O-I.
I wish I had.
- I don't know why you
coppers brought me here.
You can't make me talk.
You'll never get it out of
me, I'm the head of Drugway.
You just want to use me as a scapegoat,
a whipping boy, a cabbage patch doll!
- Keep your shirt on Doctor Carroll.
There is no reason to be upset.
We don't have to beat a
confession out of you.
Any information we don't have,
why we simply make it up.
After all, we are the F-O-B-O-I.
Now I know you're a criminal.
So why not do us all a favor
and confess, like a big boy.
Otherwise you'll be
crushed beneath the weight
of an unbiased investigation
that'll really hurt your feet.
- No way, Fuzz!
You won't trick it out of me!
I'm not saying anything more
until I get a lawyer or
a big red fire truck.
- Very well Dr. Carroll.
I've tried to reason with you,
but if that's the way you want to play it,
you leave me no choice.
I'll have to use magic!
This is an ordinary manila
folder. Nothing up my sleeves.
Can I have a drum roll please?
(drum roll)
Ta da!
That ordinary manila folder
you saw on my desk is now,
presto chango,
right here in my hand.
What's more, contains a
signed confession by you
stating that you are the head of Drugway.
Sure beats pulling a rabbit out of a hat.
I learned that one from Doug Henning.
- That's my signature all right.
That's a pretty good trick.
But I bet you couldn't do it again,
in a million, billion, trillion years.
- Abracadabra allacazane!
Here it is. Exactly the same.
You should see what I save on copying.
(spitting)
Hey, don't spit on that!
Don't spit on that.
You'll get it wet and break the spell.
Leave it alone, I say!
- (spitting)
I went to magic school for that one.
- There I just spit all over
your precious little evidence.
How do you like that copper?
- I don't.
How would you like me to turn you
into an albino in a tanning salon.
- Listen, I don't suppose
that there's a chance in hell
that we can hire some stupid kid
to go to jail for me, is there?
- Sure, I don't see why not.
- Good.
- Stoned, stoned on the range.
Hey Jimmy, where you been?
- Oh, running over old men.
It's a new game I've learned.
So far I've got thirty points.
- How very fulfilling.
Well, I finally got that job interview
I was telling you about.
- About time, I'll give you a lift over.
- Do you think I'm dressed alright?
- No, not really.
You're the only one here
with a suit like that.
- You son of a bitch!
- Take it easy, I was only kidding.
- You better be, or I'll smear
my hair on your windshield.
(laughing)
- Get in.
(grinding gears)
- It's an automatic Jim.
- Oh.
(horn honking)
- Sit Hepcat.
I understand you're in
need of employment Bill?
Tell me, just what exactly
are your career goals anyway?
- First, I'd like a secretary
that's stacked like pancakes.
- Good! I'd like to make
you president of Drugway.
If you accept you'll
be in the upper crust.
The high society.
The Brady Bunch.
- The Brady Bunch?
Does that mean Florence Henderson?
She's hot!
- Red hot!
Just like the offer I'm
going to make you Bill.
It's so fucking cherry,
you'll be set for life!
- [Bill] Are you kidding?
- Yes,
but if you're willing to believe it,
I'm willing to say it.
Listen.
We'll split the profits down the middle.
Half of what you get will be mine,
and then I get all the rest.
Does that sound fair?
Well?
Does it?!
- Yes, it's rather technical,
but I trust you.
Cause you have a cheap
accent, incredibly cheap.
- Good my boy.
Keep my name out of it.
I'll do the work, you get the credit.
And if you betray me,
I'll give you the Vulcan death grip.
- Not on this suit.
- What a sap.
(birds chirping)
- Hey Mary, how bout
touching my weenie now?
- No thanks Ted, I have a headache.
- No problem, touch it twice
and call me in the morning, all right?
- You!
(cheering)
- Hey come on Agnus, let's boogie.
(upbeat music)
- [Blanche] Come on Bill!
- Instant beer!
I'll just whip up a frothy cool one.
(upbeat music)
- Any popcorn leftover
from last night Mae?
- It's for the Christmas tree.
- It's only August.
(upbeat music coming from the fridge)
- When are you gonna fix the refrigerator?
- Why, what's wrong with it?
(music stops)
(gulping)
Hey pass the salt, will ya?
- Get it yourself!
- Goddamn lazy Mae and
her goddamn alcohol!
(upbeat music)
- It's warm in here.
Oh, my blouse!
(cheering)
(laughing)
(kissing and moaning)
(laughing)
[Bill] Up for air.
- Oh my, I fell on the bed!
(demented laughter)
(moaning)
[Blanche] Lower.
[Bill] Oh you kiss like a man.
(extreme moaning)
(laughing)
(kissing)
(bad piano playing)
(laughing)
[Agnes] Stop playing or
I'll break your neck.
(cracking)
(piano stops)
(laughing)
(birds chirping)
(doorbell)
- Hello Mary, my name is Friday.
- Hello.
- I'm a cop.
This man here in the small hat
says that you were undressing
in front of your window
and tantalizing him with your naked body.
Is this true?
- Yes, that's true.
- Well, could you describe
what you were doing?
- Let's see, that was last Thursday.
Oh I stuck uncooked noodles to my butt
and rubbed them on the window
till the glass steamed up.
A real crowd pleaser.
- Oh, that sounds disgusting to me.
- No, not the way I do it.
I don't think so, no way.
- I'm afraid I'm gonna have to report you.
- Please don't report me.
I'll buy tickets to the policeman's ball.
- Oh, in that case, I'll put
you down for 300 tickets then.
(laughing)
(light piano music)
- Rick, do you know anything
about policemen's balls?
- I used to be a private dick.
I'll try to give it to you straight.
Shoot.
- What should I wear?
I'm torn between my pink
taffeta with the white lace,
or should I wear a leather
tutu, combat boots,
and a halter top?
- Aaaa, no.
I'll send you to a friend of mine.
His name's Jack.
He's got the nicest dresses in town.
[Rick] Talk to him.
He'll make it look like this.
- [Mary] Help somebody let me in!
Help, help, open the door
there's a stampede out here!
Help, somebody open up, help, help!
(cattle mooing)
- Thanks, Rick sent me.
I'm looking for something in a cute dress.
- So am I.
Come on in.
Stay a couple of weeks.
I have.
We'll have a party.
You and me.
Here you go.
Take off your coat.
- I think Ralph's a pervert.
- [Jack] That stinking deviant.
Hey!
Stop looking at her gazongas!
He is a goddamn pervert!
And I'm a guy that would know one.
- Uh huh.
- The pope's outside.
He says he wants to see you.
- I told him to call first.
(Mary off-key humming)
(off-key humming)
(coughing)
[Ralph] I gotta find someway to stop that
awful humming.
Smoke Mary?
- Thanks.
Do you think I look like Patty Hearst?
- Sure do.
(spitting)
[Ralph] Wow, she spit all
over the coffee table.
(moaning)
(car tires screeching)
(man screaming)
[Bill] Wow! Jimmy racked
up another old man.
(moaning)
[Blanche] I'm having more fun by myself.
(moaning)
[Bill] That moaning is driving me crazy!
(laughing)
[Ralph] Ah, she threw
that right on the carpet.
Let's see what she does with this one.
- Woo-woo!
(laughing)
- Hey, there's slime on my glass.
- Oh jeez.
Here this will cover it up.
- Thanks.
(laughing)
- You know, I like you.
I wanna kiss you.
- Uh uh.
- Oh, come on.
- No
- Oh, come on.
Just one little kiss.
- I have a boyfriend!
- Oh I won't tell.
- Don't, No!
Don't I have a splinter in my back.
- Oh, come on.
- No, ow. Ow! No!
- Ow! You're pushing it in further!
- Let me suck it out.
- Aw, come on.
- It hurts, ow!
- No problem, I've almost got it.
Here let me get your zipper.
(moaning)
- If I'm not back in a couple of minutes,
finish up without me.
- I've almost got it now.
- Ow, don't, you don't
even have any tweezers.
- Oh, let me use my teeth.
- Oh that's yucky!
Don't
- Oh come on.
I come from a long line
of splinter removers,
I'll get it
- Quit it.
(vibrator)
[Bill] She better be
careful with that thing.
She'll short out the house.
My head, got bigger.
Someone's showing a film on my face.
It's an art film.
Bergmar, or perhaps any of
the post-war German directors
who's subtle use of shade...
I'm out of focus!
I'm not. I am!
I'm not.
I fooled myself.
This tie, this tie.
Tie yi yippie yippie!
Get up!
- Hey don't hit me in the stomach.
Thank you.
(yelling)
- What the fuck?
Stop or I'll shoot.
- Tie yi!
(groaning)
- [Bill] You can't talk to me like that,
I'm president of Drugway!
(exclaiming)
[Bill] Tie yi!
- [Blanche] Oh there's a fly on her back!
- [Jack] So you're behind Drugway!
(exclaiming)
- Oh God, look at the size of that thing!
- Whoa!
- Oooo!
- Can I have it?
- No!
- Oh jeez.
- And that's no fly.
It's a splinter the size of a Buick.
She should've had it removed.
Like you!
Now then, you two, go to the doughnut shop
and get the police.
Tell them I've got the head of Drugway.
And bring me back a dozen doughnut holes.
[Blanche) I'm still in my robe.
My first arrest.
I'd better give Bill my gun,
so he looks more like a criminal.
I want everything to look
good for the six o'clock news.
There, he's still not
quite right though.
Oh that's it!
Criminals always sweat.
Come on sweat!
Sweat!
Sweat goddamn you!
Sweat!
- I'm burning up.
(groaning)
- Get up Fatty.
(groaning)
What kind of splinter is that?
- Mahogany!
Ah!
(gunshot)
(ricocheting bullet)
(intense music)
Mary!
Mary, wake up!
Her mom will be pissed.
- Make up a story.
- A story.
(sneezes)
I better call Dr. Carroll.
He'll know how to help me.
He'll get me out of this jam.
- Another senseless drug related death.
It proves that drugs
and splinters don't mix.
I've gotta go comb my hair,
before the goddamn press gets here.
If Bill there tries anything,
throw the pitcher of water on him.
- Mary.
Mary.
(ripping)
I tore your head off, I'm
stronger than I thought.
You'd only say this.
(mysterious music)
- [Jack] So Bill Harper went on trial
for being the head of Drugway.
I was supposed to be the chief
witness for the prosecution,
but I blew my frigging transmission
and I never made it to the trial.
I wish I had.
- [Bailiff] The defense would like to call
Dr. Alfred Carroll to the stand, man.
- Dr. Carroll, you are a
respected leader of the community,
chairman on the school
board, head of the Rotary
and founder of a committee
to end U.S. involvement in Los Angeles.
As a character witness,
tell the jury what a
swell kid Billy Harper is.
- He's a little shit.
(crowd gasping)
A fuckstick!
- Run for it Harper.
- He should be hung.
He should be beat.
He should be beat and hung.
He should be shuffled off to
Buffalo to live for a year.
That's what I would do
to him, if I were you.
But don't let me influence
you, one single little bit.
How was that,
Bob?
- I object your honor,
on the grounds that the
witness has a cheap accent.
Incredibly cheap!
- You're right. You should
go to Berlitz you asshole.
- Wait a minute Dr. Carroll.
Hold on a second.
Keep your shirt on. Take the cat out.
Pick up my dry cleaning.
Get a haircut. Don't slouch.
Eat your cauliflower.
Be in before the street lights are on.
Can't you say anything good
about my client, William Harper?
Dr. Carroll?
Al?
- No!
He's behind Drugway.
He's guilty of every crime
that he is charged with.
They should flog and lynch him.
In fact, I think his parents
should be wiped off the
very face of this planet.
(crowd reaction)
- Hold it up there Dr. Carroll.
This isn't the way we rehearsed
this in my office earlier.
- I was fooling around
with you in your office.
It was comedy. It was humor.
I was playing with your mind.
It was a practical joke
and the joke is on you.
- Here's a church, here's a steeple.
Open the door.
The people are on fire!
- So Bill goes up the river for a while,
he's just a kid.
His boat will come in.
- Ship, ship!
- Ship, boat what's the difference?
He's still up the creek.
Without an oar.
- Paddle!
Get it right!
(groaning)
- Say Jack, how long are we gonna have to
sleep in this mosquito net?
- The apartment might be bugged.
How many times do I have to tell you that?
I'm a cop.
I run some risks.
- Oh, but people can see in here.
- So what if they can?
We can't see out,
so we're the ones with the advantage.
- But I feel so naked.
- What the hell for?
You have all my clothes on.
- That doesn't matter to them.
They just wanna see me
naked as a bluebird.
- [Ralph] Jaybird, jaybird!
Get it right!
- That guy's gotta go.
(fly buzzing)
- I'm going downtown,
to see the captain.
Hey, there's a big fly on
your shoulder, don't move.
(slapping)
[Fly] Ow! Help me!
- That got it.
[Fly] Help me! Help me!
(mysterious music)
- Come in Jack.
- Well I cracked the Drugway case.
- Why so glum?
- There's this guy in my house.
- Has he been there a long time?
- That's right.
I can't get rid of him.
- Hmm.
- All he ever does is sit
around and laugh like a loon.
Drink like a fish.
Smoke like a chimney and walk like a man.
- Is his name Ralph?
Does he like to watch you
get dressed and undressed?
- Mmm hmm.
- He's nuts.
He'll cut your fingers off.
Too late.
- [Paperboy] Extra, extra, extra.
Read all about it.
Get the Herald-Tribune,
Harper verdict... shit!
- Did you ever wonder why
it takes twelve people to make a decision?
Why not nine or fifteen?
Do you ask eleven of your friends
every time you decide something?
Because, I as sure as sherbet don't.
I know we all have something better to do,
I could be hang gliding or
break dancing or lawn bowling.
There's a real man's sport.
But, not on your life!
Because this little shit over here,
has to go get himself arrested
and ruin everybody's weekend.
Now either he's involved
with drugs or he isn't.
It's no big deal.
Let's just flip a coin and
get this thing over with.
Because we let everyone decide,
this could end up in a hung jury.
And why do they call
it a hung jury anyway?
Just because there are no
good at coming to a decision,
is no reason to hang them.
What if they're really good
at not coming to a decision?
Would it be called a well hung jury?
That sounds a little sexist to me.
If not down right disgusting!
And why do they call it a joint anyway?
It doesn't bend anywhere.
Oh well maybe you can
squish it, or fold it.
But, that's not a joint.
That's a crease.
And did you ever wonder why
women have to wear hats inside
and men don't.
Who thought of that rule?
Men have to protect their
heads too, don't they?
Your all responsible, not
only for your own safety,
but that of your neighbor.
So you better remember this,
if the ceiling caves in,
it'll be on your head!
(snoring)
- Doesn't this guy ever shut up?
Boy, they've definitely got
the wrong guy on trial here.
I wish they'd shoot me or shoot him,
but get this thing over with.
- Why do they call it hot water heater?
If the water is already
hot, why heat it up?
That's the silliest thing I ever heard of.
And can anyone here tell me why
they sell eight hot dog buns
when hot dogs come in packages of ten?
Why'd you have to buy
four packs of hot dogs
and five packs of buns
just to come out even.
And what about socks?
Why is it that they
make you buy two socks?
Why not one sock?
Just the other day I needed
one sock to match a stray,
but no I had to buy two!
I can buy one shirt,
and I can buy one tie.
Why not one fucking sock?!
That's not fair!
I think there should be a one sock store!
Don't you?
[Voice in crowd] Aww man, one
more word out of this loser
and I'm leaving.
- [Lawyer] And did you ever wonder why
you could never find--
(groaning)
- A man's life is at stake.
Let's play poker.
(chattering)
- [Bald man] Shouldn't
we reach a verdict first?
- [Jury Foreman] We can't now,
the game's already started.
- In that case, I bet
everything that I own.
- Okay, okay, you're in.
Cards gentlemen.
- Yeah I'll play these.
- Give me two cards.
- Here's two.
- Uh, I need three cards.
- Here's three.
- I want an ace and queen.
- Here's an ace and a queen.
- I want to play Old Maid.
- You are what you play.
(chuckling)
- Okay, I call.
I've got a royal flush.
(exclaiming)
What do you have you bald turd?
- I have a three, a
five, and a picture card.
Do I win?
(laughing)
- You've got as much chance of winning,
as this light cord has of
turning into a hangman's noose.
(exclaiming)
- [Jury Foreman] By
George, how'd you do that?
- [Bald Man] It wasn't easy.
- Are you come kind of a witch?
Are you a good witch or a bad witch, huh?
- I think he's a witch.
- Yes.
Let's burn him.
- Hey, did you see this
month's centerfold?
- Why do they call it a centerfold?
- Cause you fold in the center Einstein.
- [Bailiff] I-31
- [Juror] That's my seat over there.
- I'll sit next to you.
- I'll sit behind you.
- [Bailiff) B-6
- Ah, prison won't be so bad.
As long as I remember
to wear a steel plate
down the back of my trousers.
- [Bailiff] N-42.
- Somebody took my seat.
- That's N-42.
- [Bailiff] G-68.
- Bingo! Bingo!
- [Judge] Oh sit down you assholes!
Let's get on with this trail.
Have you reached a verdict?
- Maybe.
- Will the defendant please rise.
What is your verdict?
- We find the defendant not... innocent.
(crowd gasping)
(sobbing)
- It's okay, honey,
we can still rent his room.
- Oh, I hope he gets the gas chamber.
[Judge] Wait! Nobody leave.
I'll be right back with my accordion.
(chuckling)
- [Man] Talk about cruel
and unusual punishment.
(crowd noise)
(Bill, out of control crying and yelling).
(Bill wailing)
- [Lawyer] Oh for Pete's sake shut up!
- [Bill] You shut up!
- [Lawyer] You shut up!
- [Bill] You shut up!
- [Lawyer] Oh grow up!
- [Bill] Oh you bonehead!
(crying)
- Damn that Jack.
Why did he have to arrest Billy?
He was a good kid.
Lousy dresser.
But a good kid.
Oh damn.
(piano music)
Blanche, where can I find some pot?
- Well why don't you try
looking in Mae's box?
(giggling)
- Oh, that box!
[Box] Butter!
Mae!
Get out here!
- What do you want?
- What do you keep in your box?
(piano music)
- No more drugs.
What am I gonna do?
Blanche,
tell me, what should I do?
- Well, why don't you slit your throat?
- Oh, wow.
- Hey you weirdo!
These are the last two joints!
- Last joints?
What about tomorrow?
- There'll be no tomorrow.
Jack says you have to leave.
- Leave?!
Damn that Jack.
I better get a grip on myself.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
Who is he?
- I thought he was your friend.
(crying)
- No more women,
reefer,
food or booze.
(crying)
Who's gonna have a...
party?!
(wimpering)
- Hey stop rubbing your hands together,
you're starting a fire.
- Well don't tell Smokey.
- What?
(crying)
Go like this.
(piano music)
- Nobody likes me.
(crying)
- Ralph.
I have something to tell you.
Your fly is open.
Did you hear what I said?
- Yeah.
I like it that way.
- So do I.
Sit down.
(piano music)
Sing along,
if you want to.
(Old McDonald melody)
(puffing)
- Here.
(blowing raspberry)
- Feelings!
- Old McDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O.
- Feelings.
And on this farm he had a duck.
E-I-E-I-O.
- Play feelings.
- Quack, quack here. Quack, quack there.
Quack, quack, quack.
Old McDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O.
- Feelings.
- And on this farm he had a cow.
- Play feelings.
- [Blanche] I don't know Feelings!
- Aww, fuck it.
- Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo!
- Oh shit!
My tits are growing.
It's an old marijuana joke.
I'm going blind!
(crying)
- [Jack] That's an old masturbation joke.
- What?
Jack!
I know what you want.
You want me to leave.
- It's about time.
You've been here three weeks.
The party's over.
- Oh well it was a lousy party!
And you're a lousy host!
(beating)
- (screaming/singing)
- [Jack] Goddamn fractured skull.
- [Ralph] I'm gonna stuff
you in the piano Jack!
- Help Police, there's an orgy upstairs.
Bring whipped cream and a chandelier.
- E-I...
E-I... Oooo.
(piano strings plucking)
- [Jack] Ralph. Blanche let
me out of the goddamn piano.
I won't tun you in.
I promise.
Please!
- Hot damn a girl!
- Okay, where's the orgy?
- Hey, there's all signs
of drugs back here.
- Alright arrest everyone, but
we're still having an orgy.
- It's Ralph the mooch! Let's
roll him in the hallway.
- [Jack] Hey you guys,
don't leave me here.
I know you're out there Frank
I can hear you touching your gun.
[Jack] They took Mae in
and tried to charge her
with drug dealing.
Fortunately through my
connections on the force,
I was able to get her off.
- [Mae] It was the first time in years.
- [Jack] The arrest of
Ralph, Mae and Blanche
led to a statewide raid
of the Drugway ring.
I was supposed to lead the raid.
But my radiator boiled
over and I never made it.
That car was really
beginning to piss me off.
(police sirens)
(fast music)
- You rotten liberals are
under arrest for no reason!
How's that grab you?
- Yee haw!
- Carve my initials in Chinese
on this damn door here.
Open up, your under arrest for being poor!
- Well, we got those pictures of ya,
and the duck looks great.
- [Captian] The duck said it was 18.
- [Paperboy] Extra! Harper
case gang leaders captured,
all higher-ups of gang
behind scenes in Harper case
taken into custody.
Swift action promised.
Hey! I got through it all!
Give me more, come on!
(light music)
- Uncle Jerry, I mean your Honor.
I'm sick of being a lawyer.
I just wanna plead
guilty and get this over.
So I can get in a few
hours of heavy drinking,
and you can play some golf.
How's that sound?
- Great, by the way, did I tell you
I got that new putter?
- Oh, putt this!
What am I guilty of?
Having fun?
I said sex, but the kids said drugs.
What's a matter with these kids today?
I'm blamed for everything.
When I worked at the Watergate I swear,
I never left any door unlocked.
Damn those republicans anyway.
Maybe I had been casually body surfing
when that iceberg moved in
front the Titanic, so what?
I'm very sorry about Sonny and Cher too.
But I didn't break them up.
It wasn't my fault.
I know,
I did sell some
wire hangers to
Joan Crawford's house keeper.
But,
please...
don't bring up Jimmy Hoffa.
All right, all right!
I shot the sheriff.
But I did not shoot the deputy.
Oh, please listen judge.
That poor Bill Harper.
He's innocent Judge, I
know that he was framed.
He was promised the moon,
but all he ever got was Uranus.
The wrong one's in jail.
The man responsible is
Alfred Carroll,
he's the one.
Alfred Carroll.
Alllffffred Caaarrolllll!
- Quiet the F-O-B-O-I
said all their evidence
against Dr. Carroll was
eaten by a giant monster.
- Goddamn it! That always happens!
(crying)
- Will you listen to her whine?
Bozwick type up a affidavit
stating Bill Harper was not
responsible for Drugway?
Blanche if you sign this affidavit,
we'll let you go, okay?
(typing)
- Here it is my liege.
- Just sign this and I'll
drop the Drugway charges.
(scribbling)
(humming)
- Well that clears up Drugway,
however I added on you confessed
to all the other cases
pending in this court.
- [Blanche] What?
- I hereby remand you to the
custody of Eleanor Roosevelt
for the rest of your life.
- Come with me you unfortunate bimbo.
I'm going to take you home
and sharpen my dentures on your butt.
(Eleanor humming a funeral march)
(melancholy music)
- Oh my life is a mess.
If only I had another chance.
I'd probably end up the same.
I've always done things wrong.
Always...
done them backwards.
First I had a cigarette,
and then I had the sex.
- [Voices from the past] Kiss
like a man, kiss like a man.
- Drugway! Drugway!
- There's a fly on her back.
- Tie yi! Tie yi!
- Go back to Tara!
- May the Force be with you, Luke.
- Stella! Stella!
- Dentures on your butt.
Dentures on your butt.
- [Blanche] I think I can. I
think I can. I think I can!
(glass shattering)
- [Blanche] Don't look up my dress.
(body hitting pavement)
- Come back here, oh!
- [Man] I want her purse.
- There was a terrible tragedy today.
I shot a 96! Don't even
ask me about the back nine.
And if that wasn't enough,
I almost got run over
by some crazy, wild kid,
yelling five more points!
- [Bill] If anybody
here can read my mind,
please look at me.
- Bill Harper,
a jury of your peers has found you guilty,
but I really don't care.
I'm the judge here.
Fuck it, I can do anything I want.
All I wanna know Harper,
is do you feel lucky?
Well if the three of you
can stand perfectly still
for fifteen seconds, I'll let you go.
Okay, that's good enough for me.
You're free!
(crowd exclaiming)
- Oh, Bill!
(kissing)
- We burned your old suit Bill.
- You should have been in it.
Jim, got anymore sisters?
(laughing)
- Do you ever wonder
why men have to shave,
and women don't?
- You've never seen my wife.
- What does she look like?
- You with a darker mustache.
(Ralph demented laughter)
- Your honor, Ralph over here
is really a man of many faces.
Well maybe not many faces,
maybe only about one,
two, three, four, five,
six faces to be exact.
But don't let those
innocent looks, fool ya.
He's a mooch guilty of the heinous crime
of not knowing when to leave a party.
I recommend the stiffest penalty allowed.
Did you ever wonder...
- Oh shut up!
I sentence him to 15 years
on a dead man's chest.
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum.
(mysterious music)
- [Rick] Uh oh, nobody
turn around, it's Jack.
- [Jack] It had been three
weeks since I busted Drugway
and I knew we'd never hear from that scum
Dr. Alfred Carroll again.
I was a big hero in town
and everybody loved me.
- Oh God, he's coming
right over to our table.
- Jack!
Huh?
- [Bill] Hey Jimmy, if you're real lucky
he'll tell you all about Drugway again.
(laughing)
I got 90 points.
- Whoop dee doo.
So what?
I broke Drugway.
I got transferred up to Mayberry.
I need you to drive me there today Jimmy.
- What?
Can't you drive?
- No.
Finally got my lousy car running.
And that goddamn mechanic stole it.
- Ah, it's 900 miles.
- Just think of all the
old men, you'll rack up
and it's a clean town.
- No drugs in Mayberry?
Huh?
- Nope.
(patriotic music)
- Howdy.
Ladies and gentlemen of Mayberry.
I'd like to introduce you to
an out of sight new program.
It's called Drugs R'Us.
It's an exciting opportunity
to earn millions of
dollars in your spare time.
It can also open doors to a
variety of exciting careers.
I have my own Saturday
morning cartoon show,
Dr. Carroll's neighborhood.
I want you to watch.
You
and you,
and you!
How long do I have to keep my finger up?
(fast music)
- [Jack] You might be wondering
what happened to all these people.
Well, Dr. Carroll never
did let his finger down
and became the model for the
U.S. Army recruiting poster.
Ralph kept right on laughing to network TV
where he landed a spot as
a permanent audience member
of The Tonight Show.
Bill inspired the first
polyester leisure suit
and founded a Gentleman's
Quarterly Magazine.
Jimmy moved to Palm Springs,
and is now a driving instructor
at a retirement village.
Blanche recovered from her fall.
Took the pen name of Erica Jong and wrote,
The Fear of Flying.
My wife Mae, divorced me
and married land barron, Rocco Harper.
And me,
I've been hiding out.
Where no one would ever find me.
As Vice President of the United States.
(Reefer Madness Theme)
♪ Once upon a time I was so innocent ♪
♪ I strayed not to the
left nor to the right ♪
♪ Washed my sheets once a week ♪
♪ Helped old ladies cross the street ♪
♪ Turn in all my school
work right on time ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness. ♪
♪ Step right on up here everyone ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, weed
out Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Yes you can sell it by the ton ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
♪ I can't believe the fool
I could have ever been ♪
♪ To smoke that stupid
joint that stupid day ♪
♪ I felt so crazy and so
strange, permanently rearranged ♪
♪ Did some things they
told me I can't say ♪
♪ It's that Reefer Madness,
get your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Step right on up here everyone ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, weed
out Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Yes you can sell it by the ton. ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
♪ Reefer madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Step right on up here everyone ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
(humming)
- Movie's over Mary, last
chance to touch my weenie.
- No I can't now, Ted, I'm dead.
- Big deal babe, you always
were from the waist down.
- Oh!
the film we often will
hear what the characters are thinking.
On closed captioning
those "thought voices"
will be shown in Italics
(upbeat music)
- Good evening, and welcome
to "The Screening Room."
I'm Art Sands from the Predonia Journal,
and seated across from me
is Gilbert Anthony Cord
of the Post Dispatch.
- Thank you, Art.
Today, we'll be having a special show
where we will review one of the
classic films from the past.
And today that film's the
1936 movie Reefer Madness.
A film, which in it's day
shocked the nation with
it's graphic portrayal
of the terrible societal
problem of marijuana addiction.
And for my money Art,
it still today delivers it's message
with the same impact as it
did almost 50 years ago.
- I couldn't agree with you more Gilbert.
And I think that impact
stems from the fact
that the film is based on
an actual case history.
- That's true, there's
no question about it.
The film virtually reeks of reality.
- The story itself is a simple one.
Good versus evil.
The good in this case being
a high school principal
by the name of Dr. Alfred Carroll.
And the evil, a despicable
drug pusher, Jack Perry.
Let's first look a Dr. Carroll.
He's the hero of the film, the
voice of reason if you will.
As we'll see in this next scene,
Dr. Carroll tries to inform the local PTA
about the menace of marijuana,
which is already beginning to spread.
- That is the purpose of this
meeting ladies and gentlemen.
You and all of the school
parent groups about the country
and you must stand united on this.
Can stamp out this frightful
assassin of our youth.
The dread marijuana!
- [Art] And in this scene
Dr. Carroll is involved
in vital research for the
Federal Narcotics Bureau.
- A 16 year old lad apprehended
in the act of staging a holdup.
16 years old and a marijuana addict.
Here is a most tragic case.
- Yes, I remember.
Just a young boy.
Under the influence of the drug
he killed his entire family with an axe.
- Then there is the most
vicious type of case.
Here.
In Michigan, a young girl,
17 years old, a reefer smoker.
Taken in a raid and the
company with five young men.
Here is a particularly flagrant case.
- Yes, I remember the newspapers
made quite a play of it.
In West Virginia wasn't it?
- Yes.
- You know Art, Dr. Alfred Carroll
reminds me of the man in
the proverbial white hat
who stands alone against all odds
to fight against the wrongs of the world.
He is the classical film hero.
- Well I'm not quite sure I agree with you
that he's a classical hero.
To me he's more a traditional hero.
- I'm afraid I have to
disagree with you there Art.
I feel if anything these clips
emphasize his very classical-ness.
- Well the very definitions
of traditional and classical,
I'm afraid you're mistaken.
He truly is traditional!
- Art, we could go back and forth
on this one point all night long.
So look, let's just move ahead, huh?
Assuming he's classical.
- Traditional.
- Classical.
Now on the other side of
the coin we have Jack Perry.
Every bit as evil as Dr.
Alfred Carroll is good.
As you'll see in this scene
between Jack and his wife Mae,
he's a thoroughly despicable character.
- [Jack] Couple of you customers Mae.
- [Mae] Yeah?
Well they're old enough to
know what they're doing.
Not like those young
kids you bring up here.
- All right, all right.
Listen I'm gonna blow.
- Where are you going?
- I gotta make some deliveries
and I'll probably drop by Joe's place
and bring back a couple of the kids.
- Oh, I wish you'd lay off those kids.
- Oh, why don't you get
over that mother complex.
- So real.
Reefer Madness is one of those rare,
true story based films which
actually has a happy ending.
Dr. Carroll eventually was able to
round up the citizens of the town
to end this indeciduous menace,
and rid the town forever of
that evil monster, Jack Perry.
- Thank God.
- [Jack] Ah, Birdbutts!
That's it, I've had enough!
- What the hell is that?
- Who's there? What is this?
- Jack Perry, the real Jack Perry.
- Jack Perry?
- The one in the film?
- [Jack] That's right potato eyes,
and I'm here cause it's time
that people knew the truth.
That the film Reefer Madness is a lie.
It was made for the sole
purpose of destroying me
and my career.
I was never a drug pusher,
I was a undercover cop.
And I spent five goddamn years
trying to put away Dr. Alfred Carroll.
- The high school principal?
(laughs)
- High school principal,
I spit on your high school principal!
It was Carroll who ran the
drug ring in town, not me.
- Well then, sir.
How do you explain this movie?
- [Jack] It was Dr. Carroll's film.
He made it to ruin me
because I busted his marijuana operation.
It was his idea of revenge,
to make me out as a pusher.
And himself as Mr. Goody Two Shoes.
- Well then Sir.
How do you justify this scene?
Here Murray, run that clip.
Are you saying that's not actually you
handing Jimmy Lane a marijuana cigarette?
- [Jack] Yes.
Well, well no.
Well all right, I handed
him the marijuana cigarette.
But you're looking at this
thing all out of context.
You'll see what I mean
when you see my film.
- Your film?
- That's right bug lips.
Everyone's seen Dr.
Carroll's lying version
and now you're gonna see mine.
Uh, well not my lying version.
But my version.
I'm going to show it right
here on your program.
- Well we're just about out of time now.
Maybe we could book you
in a couple of weeks.
- [Jack] Yeah, maybe you
could book a coroner.
Does the term 44 magnum,
mean anything to you?
- Okay.
Well why don't you just
come right up, put your
film on the projector.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Sure.
Well, that.
That concludes our show.
On behalf of Art and yourself,
I hope you'll be back next week.
- I hope we'll be back next week.
- [Jack] Roll it, roll it!
- And now here, stay tuned
for a special preview showing
of a new film by Jack Perry
called, Reefer Madness.
- [Jack] The True Story!
- Reefer Madness... The True Story!
(Reefer Madness Theme)
♪ Once upon a time I was so innocent ♪
♪ I strayed not to the
left nor to the right ♪
♪ Washed my sheets once a week ♪
♪ Helped old ladies cross the street ♪
♪ Turn in all my school
work right on time ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Step right on up here everyone ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, weed
out Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Yes, you can sell it by the ton ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
(upbeat music)
(mysterious music)
- [Jack] This is my story, the true story.
Walnut Grove had the largest
narcotic ring in the state,
and I knew I could make my
mark by busting it wide open.
- [Paperboy] Extra! Extra!
Police wage war on the... gosh!
Read all about it, Dope
peddlers caught... darn!
Get the Courier Dispatch,
Police... phooey!
Late edition, Federals aid... shit!
Read all about it, School-Parent...
Oh read it yourself.
- [Jack] I suspected the
drugs were being distributed
at Truman High School.
That night I got a goddamn flat tire,
and I never made it to the meeting.
I wish I had.
- [Dr. Carroll] Good evening
ladies, and gentle dudes.
My name is Dr. Alfred Carroll.
Let me ask you a question.
What do you call it
when a surfer hits his head
on some coral and goes crazy?
Give up?
Reefer Madness!
(Dr. Carroll laughing)
Well, so much for the humor.
But, seriously I'm here to introduce you
to a bitchin' new program.
It's called Drugway.
It's an exciting
opportunity to earn hundreds
and thousands of dollars
in your spare time.
Donkey doughnuts you say?
Well, one day I was sitting at home,
snorting my socks,
and I asked myself,
Dr. Alfred Carroll, and then I said,
Oh just call me Al.
Okay, Al.
How can I earn hundreds
and thousands of dollars in my spare time?
There was no immediate answer.
But, later that night
an angel of the Lord appeared
to me and proclaimed,
Behold, I bring you baggies of great joy.
And that's when I formed Drugway.
- I gotta go.
- [Dr. Carroll] Now I'd
like to share it with you.
- You should have gone before we left.
- You shut up!
I'm talking here.
Besides, I paid for the coffee cake.
Now then.
(chattering)
I have several testimonials here
from people who have
joined Drugway and like it.
Let me read one to you.
Dear Dr. Carroll,
I would like to bend you over
a log and tweak your nipples
till they harden up
like cherry lifesavers.
Woops wrong letter.
- Darn it
- [Dr. Carroll] Here we go.
Dear Dr. Carroll,
you are a wonderful person.
Thank you for introducing us
to the exciting world of Drugway.
Because of you and your program
we are able to afford
so many lovely things.
Like twin beds for instance.
Now we don't have to sleep in a box,
the one that the television set came in.
When we started we had nothing.
Just two seedlings in a window box.
And now we have several acres
of prime marijuana
plants in our back yard.
All of them with great big buds!
Thanks to you, Dr. Alfred Carroll.
Sincerely yours, Mae Perry.
Well, you too can benefit from Drugway.
Just tell them what
they'll receive Johnny!
- [Announcer] That's right, Big Al.
You'll start off by receiving this handy
and amazing reefer roller!
It slices, it dices, it julienne fries.
Hundreds in seconds!
See the ease with which
this joint was made?
Why you'll be the envy
of all your friends.
But!
That's not all.
You'll also receive this head of cabbage,
and these bars of soap.
But, that's not all.
You'll also receive these railroad flares
and this handy box of roaches.
There's more.
You'll also get a pair of shoes,
shoes you can put aspirin in.
Just like this man here.
How much would you pay?
Don't answer yet.
Because, we'll also send
you this thing here.
And a copy of War and Peace,
the motorized edition.
Plus this fabulous watch,
filled with Jujubes.
And these moth balls.
Now how much would you pay?
Don't answer yet because
we'll also send you this
free half barrel of instant beer!
Just mix with water
and you'll enjoy a frothy cool one.
But, that's still not all!
If you order right now,
we'll also send you the
wonderful Ron-tel Pocket Furnace!
Now you can burn anything in the house
including your children's building blocks.
This and more can all be
yours through Drugway!
Back to you Big Al.
- Thank you Johnny.
And how can your groove
on this opportunity?
Let me tell you.
With a simple investment
of two thousand dollars,
you get started in Drugway.
Then you tell two friends,
and they tell two friends.
And so on and so on.
But isn't selling marijuana dangerous,
you might ask?
Well that's all right
because we are selling
marijuana with an h,
and only marijuana with a j is deadly.
- [Man] Good point I guess.
- [Jack] It took me three days
to push my goddamn car home.
I would've made it quicker,
but I pushed it right past my exit
and ended up in the next goddamn town.
(light music)
(snoring)
Get up Mae!
Get up you lazy wench!
- Oh what do you want?
- You've been sleeping 22 hours.
- Oh jeez.
You woke me up to tell me that?
I was having a funny dream.
You actually arrested someone.
- Hey, I made undercover.
I got assigned to the Drugway case.
- Oh so now you gonna use Kung Fu on me?
- Hiyah!
- You missed.
- Take off my robe. And
quit playing with my balls!
- Oh jeez.
Oh,
Jack left his socks lying around again.
Oh.
I'll just put them on.
(moaning)
- Oh, I sure could use some cholesterol
right about now.
Let's see, what do we have?
Ah, a box of eggs!
(doorbell buzzing)
Oh, what the fu...
(doorbell buzzing)
If that's the goddamn
paperboy again here to collect,
I'm gonna knock his goddamn block off!
(moaning)
- Say if you boys out there
are looking for a beaver,
I suggest you take a walk in the swamp.
- Goddamn son of a bitch!
Oh hi, Don Guido.
- You still owe me for the newspaper!
- Hey, come to collect, huh?
Hi Lucca.
- [Don Guido] Give me my
money and pick up that pillow.
- What are you gonna do if I don't?
Break my arms for something?
- [Don Guido] Good idea, Lucca!
- Hey, you see a place
where I can spit out my gum?
(fight sounds)
- Are you kidding, do what you always do,
stick it under your seat.
- Oh, yeah.
(moaning)
Say Mae, you got four twenty
five for the paper boy?
- Oh what do I look like, a wallet?
Pay him yourself.
- I can't.
They broke my arms.
You got any asprin in your shoe?
- Wha?
- Mae, how many times
do I have to tell you,
not to wear my dresses?
- Oh, yours are prettier than mine.
- I'd rip it off your back
but I can't get my arms up.
- That's not the only thing.
- Oh, that aspirin did the trick.
There's no time for breakfast.
I guess I'll just have to
whip these eggs up in the car.
(car crashing)
(women chattering)
- [Ralph] So guys,
where are we going, huh?
- [Man] What do you mean we?
Who the hell are you?
Would you quit following us around.
- [Man] Hey dude you stepped on my heel!
- [Ralph] Oh sorry.
Just trying to make friends, names Ralph.
Know where any parties are?
- Listen if I tell you about one,
will you leave us alone?
Blanche is having a Drugway
meeting at her place tonight.
You can go, but don't
talk to me, all right?
- Who's Blanche anyway?
- You'll find out tonight.
- Sounds real good to me.
- Get lost.
- Nice ass.
- [Jack] Hey you!
I'm Jack, I'm undercover.
It's a secret.
- I'm new in town.
Do you know any of them?
- [Jack] Oh, those kids?
Yeah, I've been watching them for weeks.
I can't seem to get close.
- It's easy, cross the street.
- Why I never though of that.
(laughs)
- Watch me.
- So Dude, you going to Blanche's
Drugway meeting tonight.
- Sure, tonight I get my pocket furnace,
it smelts in your hand, not your mouth.
- Listen man, there's
something I gotta tell you.
Either you take that
hand outta your pocket,
or I'm gonna strangle you.
You know?
- Oh sure.
- Nothing personal man,
but that's a filthy habit
I just can't stand.
- Hey, my fault I had no idea.
Won't happen again.
- Quit holding your
books like a girl, man.
Or I'll knife you in the eye.
- Hi, I'm Ralph.
I'm new in town.
- Oh, hello Ralph.
This is my brother Jimmy, back there.
- How are you?
- How's it going?
- Uh, this is Jack,
he's an undercover cop,
don't tell anyone.
- How you doing?
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
- How's it going Mary, Bill how are you?
- Oh, I'm doing fine Ralph, how bout you?
- [Ralph] Not bad Bill,
Jimmy, Mary how are you?
- Oh, I'm okay Ralph.
Jimmy, tell Ralph.
- I'm just peachy.
- Oh, great!
- Hey, I'm gonna stay here
and introduce myself to these guys.
- Well,
say hi to them for us.
- Hi!
- So, what'd you say your
name was again, Jimmy?
- Jimmy.
What'd you say yours was again, Jack?
- No, I'm Jack.
(farting)
That was Ralph.
- [Ralph] No that was Jack.
- [Jimmy] No that was me.
(upbeat piano music)
(laughing)
- Hi Rick, I'm undercover, it's a secret.
- Nice disguise .
- Hi Jimmy!
- Hi, Angus.
Say isn't that Ray Charles?
- No, that's Hot Fingers Peronie!
- Boy he really swings
out a hot message of jive.
Let's boogie!
- Sure.
One, two, three.
Four, five, six.
Seven, eight, nine.
Ten, eleven, twelve.
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.
Sixteen, seventeen.
(slurping)
- Ot-gay any op-day AncheBlay?
- What did he say?
- Oolit-cay.
- Goddamn Blanche and her
goddamn foreign languages.
32, 33, 34.
35, 36.
- [Jack] I can see up
her dress from here.
62, 63, 64.
65, 66, 67.
68, 69.
- I'm bushed!
- I can play better than him.
(terrible piano music)
(groaning)
(puffing)
(quacking)
(quacking)
- Jimmy, do you hear a duck?
- You wanna what?
Right here?
- Sure!
(quacking)
(laughing)
- Hey Jimmy, you're fired up
but who's your stupid girl friend?
- Drop dead bitch!
Why is she calling me stupid?
- Well it's because you are.
But don't take it personally.
- Listen nobody calls me bitch.
Just step outside.
- [Jimmy] Oh, you'll knock her block off.
- [Ralph] Great, I love
to watch women fight.
- Hey Rick, smell my hat.
- Thanks for the tip.
(Mary humming)
- [Bill] Drat! Tried to get
a reflection up her dress.
It didn't work.
Yuck, jeez!
- [Mary] Jimmy should have
cleaned up after the dog.
- [Bill] Glad I didn't
step in whatever that was.
- I'm crazy about you scooty-boots.
But I hardly ever see you any more.
You're always so busy, Bill.
- I'm dating men.
(laughs)
Just kidding Mary.
I've always wanted to wear thick glasses.
So, I'm reading in the
dark to ruin my eyes.
Plus I need to find a job
to pay my family's rent
so Rocco doesn't kick us out.
- Oh, your own brother.
- What can I say, he wants to go condo.
- Not again!
- Bill, Mary!
- Oh mom.
- Who wants a cup of broccoli sludge?
- Thanks mommy-boots.
- Goddamn, where'd that stuff come from?
- What do I look like, Aunt Jemima?
If I wanted people to know I
would've of written a cookbook.
- Guess it's a secret.
- Keep it that way.
Want some?
- I tried to drink some with my nose once
but the broccoli stuck.
(laughs)
- Mary, there's something
I want to show you.
Here in my law book.
Look, see.
- Hey, what's that?
- A booger.
- Icky.
- But, it's not mine.
In Tucson though, it's against the law
to proposition cattle.
Ooo.
But you can sing.
♪ Oh give me a home
where the buffalo roam ♪
♪ And where makeup and
tight leather pants ♪
♪ They put weed in pipes
and smoke it all night ♪
♪ And run around the prairie and dance ♪
♪ Stoned ♪
♪ On the range ♪
♪ Where some of the cow... ♪
♪ boys are strange ♪
♪ They space out and laugh
and fall on their ass ♪
(kissing)
- Your singing sucks Bill.
Get out.
- Fine, I can't sing but
I can walk backwards.
Five miles everyday, backwards I walk.
Bye, I'll see-
(splashing)
- Scootty!
- [Bill] I'm drowning, help!
- Oh you squished my fish!
Now beat it.
- I'm gonna sue ya.
- [Mary] Bye!
- Dad it's five o'clock.
- Oh, don't sit on my truss like that.
- Have you got the rent check for me yet?
- Please Rocco , we said we'd
have it for you tomorrow.
- You're outta time, cough it up.
- And here's a roll of quarters.
- Bill, do you have
any money for the rent?
- I'm broke mom, sorry.
- Quarters!
Say what is this?
You people do this to me every month
and I'm getting sick and tired of it.
- We'll have it for you tomorrow.
- Oh, I promise we will.
- Well that's bullshit!
- Oh Rocco!
You know your father
hasn't been able to work.
Not since you nailed him to the couch.
- One of yous got to go
and it's gonna be you Mom.
- I'll kill you!
(Goofy Three Stooges sounds
as they run around the table)
- Hey, this is a three
hundred dollar suit!
- You little slum lord.
How can you do this to your own family?
To your own mother?
- Gee, I was just kidding about Mom.
Dad's the one that's really got to go.
- Well, if someone's gotta go,
it might as well be Dad.
- Dad goes tonight, and that's final.
But I'm warning you now,
if I don't get that money tomorrow,
I'm gonna level this place!
- Business is business.
Get me a gun.
- Dad before I throw you out,
who won the fifth at Belmont?
(humming)
- So Mary, you wanna touch my weenie?
- That's sweet Ted, but
I'm waiting for Bill.
- That's cool he can watch,
but he can't touch it.
- Oh!
- Where some of the cowboys are...
Hey Jimmy, I've been waiting for ya!
- Oh, sorry I'm late.
Mom was busy with the Milk
Man, so I had to dress myself.
- You did a fine job.
Neat wheels.
Been to the car wash today?
- Yeah.
Seat's still wet.
- Maybe you shoulda put the top up.
- Oh yeah, I didn't think of that.
Hey, what'd you say we go
over to Rick's and dance?
- Dance with you?
- No, there's girls down there.
- All right, then I'll dance with you.
(laughing)
- Get in.
(gears grinding)
- Grind a pound for me.
(car honking)
(piano music)
- Say, I've been meaning to
talk to you two clowns about your tab.
- Whoops, gotta go.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How you doin?
- Hot fudge sundae, oh and
don't forget to hold my nuts.
(laughing)
This is Blanche.
- Either you young studs
wanna make some big bucks?
- Bill does!
- Do you?
- I guess so.
- Oh, come on Bill, go for it!
- Well just so long as it's legal.
- It's called Drugway.
It isn't legal at all.
It involves selling pot, taking risks,
- I don't wanna sell pot.
- Sleeping with me.
- I don't wanna sleep... okay!
(demented laughter)
(Choo Choo Polka)
(doorbell buzzing)
- Move it.
(doorbell buzzing)
Hi ya!
- Hey, women!
- I'm undercover, it's a secret.
- Hey everybody.
Hey Agnus, I'm a lazy
boy watch me recline.
(laughing)
Hey, pretty good huh?
- Come on Bill, let's talk.
- I'm the only one here
with a suit like this.
- Sit down.
- Are you comfy?
- Hi ya.
Hi ya.
- Oh Mae, this is Bill.
Bill might join Drugway.
- Nice dress.
- Aw thanks, it's my husband's.
Speaking of which,
I've gotta get that bozo outta the house.
Hi ya!
- Ouch, ouch, my feet, ouch!
- Stop using so much salt.
- You shut up!
I'm not just a cop, I'm a health nut.
Hey, how did they like my dress anyway?
- They went ape shit.
Aren't you supposed to be working?
- So tell me where to look for dope.
I've been everywhere,
there aren't any drugs in Walnut Grove.
- Hey, what happened?
My hamster died.
- So next time, why don't
you put holes in the box?
I can't eat this there's too much salt.
- Give me a break.
Go somewhere, do something.
Be someone.
Here, be all you can be.
- Goddamn Mae and her
goddamn sister Blanche
always throwing parties
and never letting me stay!
Goddamn it!
- Hey, anybody here have gas?
- Oh, I do Jack.
- Oh good, then you can give
me a ride downtown Jimmy.
- Car problems?
- Yeah, it's backfiring.
- It happens to me.
- I've heard.
(record scratching)
(power music)
- [Sports Announcer]
Now back to live action,
in the couch wrestling contest.
The champ pulls a lap
lock with a hickey hold.
The challenger uses
eye gouging head twist,
the little monkey.
- No, I quit.
- Hey, everybody Jack's
gone, it's reefer time!
Let's get high.
(cheering)
- Hey, over here, don't forget me.
- How can I forget you,
when I don't even know you.
- Nice dress.
(mumbling)
- What?
- Someday I'll learn to inhale.
(laughing)
- [Ralph] Hey Bill, watch this!
(puffing)
- He's a dip stick.
- [Bill] This place is a
regular glaucoma clinic.
- [Blanche] Bill, about that job.
I'll call Dr. Carroll and set
up an appointment for you.
- Wow, just think,
I could buy hundreds of
thousands of suits like this.
(laughing)
- [Bill] Hey Ralph, you're a sponge head!
(laughing)
(car horn beeping)
- While I'm gone Jimmy,
keep a look out for drugs.
- I've never seen a joint before.
- [Jack] It was obvious the kid was naive.
I gave him one of the samples
that I keep around with me for reference.
He was so stupid he put
the wrong end in his mouth.
(mysterious music)
- Old fashioned typewriters
have to be wound up.
Dear Aunt Bee.
Hello Jack.
- Howdy Captain.
- How do you like my new desk?
- It's alright.
But maybe you should buy some chairs.
- Any arrests?
- I can't find anyone with pot.
You wanna buy some money?
- Otis?
Where are you?
Ohio!
Well get back here, or your fired.
He's on his way.
Otis what took you so long?
- Big crowd in the hallway, me.
- Glad your back.
I have an assignment for you.
- Why me, I just opened a big
and ugly men's shop in Akron.
- This is more important.
- I guess you want me to go shopping
for your wife's birthday present again?
- Get her something classy,
and elegant, and crotchless.
- Just grease her down and
ride her round the room.
She's a pig.
- Oh, that's not nice.
Her father was a rabbi.
Now, you get outta here and go shopping
or I'll make you retire.
Retire
permanently.
(menacing music)
Aloha!
(grumbling)
- I got a picture of
you, naked with a duck.
- It was a pelican.
Now what are you standing around for?
- [Jack] Goddamn guy ignored me
the whole goddamn time I was here.
I thought it was my meeting!
- Sincerely Floyd.
(cat meow. Jack falling)
- [Jack] Goddamn Cat!
Hey Jimmy I got some
more hamsters for Mae.
(traffic noise)
- Oh, my mind is fried, let's drive.
- Cool it Jimmy.
Say, what did you do with my sample?
- I lost it.
(tires squeal)
- [Jack] Go straight up here.
- [Jimmy] Okay.
- [Jack] Nevermind.
Make a left up here at
the next intersection.
- [Jimmy] Right here?
- [Jack] Oh, close enough.
- [Jimmy] Hey, I'm doing 47
and a half, is that okay?
- [Jack] If you do 55, you'll save lives.
- [Jimmy] Really?
- [Jack] Hey, five points for the old man.
(old man screams)
- [Jimmy] Where's my points?
- [Jack] It's just a game you play.
It's an expression, you
don't really hit him!
- [crowd] Hey, I want his
pants. Give me his shoes.
I want his tie.
Get his penis.
(Mom humming)
I wonder why daddy's so late for dinner?
After you marry Bill, make sure he calls.
- Bill hasn't called me for days.
- Oh, don't worry about him.
Boys can be dorky.
- But mother what if I lose him,
I'll just die!
- Oh quit talking out your ass.
You know he'll never find
a nicer piece than you.
I'm sure you'll end up very happy.
Now, how about some soup on a stick?
- No thanks mom.
I just hope he's not in any trouble.
- He's too stupid!
- You think it'd be too forward
of me to sit on his porch?
- Why don't you try his face?
Oh, hi Jimmy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
(kissing)
- Oh, you kiss better than daddy.
By the way, have you seen him?
- Yeah, I ran into him downtown.
- Hey.
Don't pick your face at the table.
- Are you insinuating something?
Leave me alone.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh all right, I ran over dad, he's dead.
There I said it, I hope your glad.
- Jimmy.
Don't tell mom, she
won't give you seconds.
- Jimmy!
I need to go to the store.
Will you run me over?
- [Jack] I was supposed to
meet downtown with the Feds
to learn who the head of the Drugway was.
But my stinkin' clutch went out
and I never made it to the
office of the F-O-B-O-I.
I wish I had.
- I don't know why you
coppers brought me here.
You can't make me talk.
You'll never get it out of
me, I'm the head of Drugway.
You just want to use me as a scapegoat,
a whipping boy, a cabbage patch doll!
- Keep your shirt on Doctor Carroll.
There is no reason to be upset.
We don't have to beat a
confession out of you.
Any information we don't have,
why we simply make it up.
After all, we are the F-O-B-O-I.
Now I know you're a criminal.
So why not do us all a favor
and confess, like a big boy.
Otherwise you'll be
crushed beneath the weight
of an unbiased investigation
that'll really hurt your feet.
- No way, Fuzz!
You won't trick it out of me!
I'm not saying anything more
until I get a lawyer or
a big red fire truck.
- Very well Dr. Carroll.
I've tried to reason with you,
but if that's the way you want to play it,
you leave me no choice.
I'll have to use magic!
This is an ordinary manila
folder. Nothing up my sleeves.
Can I have a drum roll please?
(drum roll)
Ta da!
That ordinary manila folder
you saw on my desk is now,
presto chango,
right here in my hand.
What's more, contains a
signed confession by you
stating that you are the head of Drugway.
Sure beats pulling a rabbit out of a hat.
I learned that one from Doug Henning.
- That's my signature all right.
That's a pretty good trick.
But I bet you couldn't do it again,
in a million, billion, trillion years.
- Abracadabra allacazane!
Here it is. Exactly the same.
You should see what I save on copying.
(spitting)
Hey, don't spit on that!
Don't spit on that.
You'll get it wet and break the spell.
Leave it alone, I say!
- (spitting)
I went to magic school for that one.
- There I just spit all over
your precious little evidence.
How do you like that copper?
- I don't.
How would you like me to turn you
into an albino in a tanning salon.
- Listen, I don't suppose
that there's a chance in hell
that we can hire some stupid kid
to go to jail for me, is there?
- Sure, I don't see why not.
- Good.
- Stoned, stoned on the range.
Hey Jimmy, where you been?
- Oh, running over old men.
It's a new game I've learned.
So far I've got thirty points.
- How very fulfilling.
Well, I finally got that job interview
I was telling you about.
- About time, I'll give you a lift over.
- Do you think I'm dressed alright?
- No, not really.
You're the only one here
with a suit like that.
- You son of a bitch!
- Take it easy, I was only kidding.
- You better be, or I'll smear
my hair on your windshield.
(laughing)
- Get in.
(grinding gears)
- It's an automatic Jim.
- Oh.
(horn honking)
- Sit Hepcat.
I understand you're in
need of employment Bill?
Tell me, just what exactly
are your career goals anyway?
- First, I'd like a secretary
that's stacked like pancakes.
- Good! I'd like to make
you president of Drugway.
If you accept you'll
be in the upper crust.
The high society.
The Brady Bunch.
- The Brady Bunch?
Does that mean Florence Henderson?
She's hot!
- Red hot!
Just like the offer I'm
going to make you Bill.
It's so fucking cherry,
you'll be set for life!
- [Bill] Are you kidding?
- Yes,
but if you're willing to believe it,
I'm willing to say it.
Listen.
We'll split the profits down the middle.
Half of what you get will be mine,
and then I get all the rest.
Does that sound fair?
Well?
Does it?!
- Yes, it's rather technical,
but I trust you.
Cause you have a cheap
accent, incredibly cheap.
- Good my boy.
Keep my name out of it.
I'll do the work, you get the credit.
And if you betray me,
I'll give you the Vulcan death grip.
- Not on this suit.
- What a sap.
(birds chirping)
- Hey Mary, how bout
touching my weenie now?
- No thanks Ted, I have a headache.
- No problem, touch it twice
and call me in the morning, all right?
- You!
(cheering)
- Hey come on Agnus, let's boogie.
(upbeat music)
- [Blanche] Come on Bill!
- Instant beer!
I'll just whip up a frothy cool one.
(upbeat music)
- Any popcorn leftover
from last night Mae?
- It's for the Christmas tree.
- It's only August.
(upbeat music coming from the fridge)
- When are you gonna fix the refrigerator?
- Why, what's wrong with it?
(music stops)
(gulping)
Hey pass the salt, will ya?
- Get it yourself!
- Goddamn lazy Mae and
her goddamn alcohol!
(upbeat music)
- It's warm in here.
Oh, my blouse!
(cheering)
(laughing)
(kissing and moaning)
(laughing)
[Bill] Up for air.
- Oh my, I fell on the bed!
(demented laughter)
(moaning)
[Blanche] Lower.
[Bill] Oh you kiss like a man.
(extreme moaning)
(laughing)
(kissing)
(bad piano playing)
(laughing)
[Agnes] Stop playing or
I'll break your neck.
(cracking)
(piano stops)
(laughing)
(birds chirping)
(doorbell)
- Hello Mary, my name is Friday.
- Hello.
- I'm a cop.
This man here in the small hat
says that you were undressing
in front of your window
and tantalizing him with your naked body.
Is this true?
- Yes, that's true.
- Well, could you describe
what you were doing?
- Let's see, that was last Thursday.
Oh I stuck uncooked noodles to my butt
and rubbed them on the window
till the glass steamed up.
A real crowd pleaser.
- Oh, that sounds disgusting to me.
- No, not the way I do it.
I don't think so, no way.
- I'm afraid I'm gonna have to report you.
- Please don't report me.
I'll buy tickets to the policeman's ball.
- Oh, in that case, I'll put
you down for 300 tickets then.
(laughing)
(light piano music)
- Rick, do you know anything
about policemen's balls?
- I used to be a private dick.
I'll try to give it to you straight.
Shoot.
- What should I wear?
I'm torn between my pink
taffeta with the white lace,
or should I wear a leather
tutu, combat boots,
and a halter top?
- Aaaa, no.
I'll send you to a friend of mine.
His name's Jack.
He's got the nicest dresses in town.
[Rick] Talk to him.
He'll make it look like this.
- [Mary] Help somebody let me in!
Help, help, open the door
there's a stampede out here!
Help, somebody open up, help, help!
(cattle mooing)
- Thanks, Rick sent me.
I'm looking for something in a cute dress.
- So am I.
Come on in.
Stay a couple of weeks.
I have.
We'll have a party.
You and me.
Here you go.
Take off your coat.
- I think Ralph's a pervert.
- [Jack] That stinking deviant.
Hey!
Stop looking at her gazongas!
He is a goddamn pervert!
And I'm a guy that would know one.
- Uh huh.
- The pope's outside.
He says he wants to see you.
- I told him to call first.
(Mary off-key humming)
(off-key humming)
(coughing)
[Ralph] I gotta find someway to stop that
awful humming.
Smoke Mary?
- Thanks.
Do you think I look like Patty Hearst?
- Sure do.
(spitting)
[Ralph] Wow, she spit all
over the coffee table.
(moaning)
(car tires screeching)
(man screaming)
[Bill] Wow! Jimmy racked
up another old man.
(moaning)
[Blanche] I'm having more fun by myself.
(moaning)
[Bill] That moaning is driving me crazy!
(laughing)
[Ralph] Ah, she threw
that right on the carpet.
Let's see what she does with this one.
- Woo-woo!
(laughing)
- Hey, there's slime on my glass.
- Oh jeez.
Here this will cover it up.
- Thanks.
(laughing)
- You know, I like you.
I wanna kiss you.
- Uh uh.
- Oh, come on.
- No
- Oh, come on.
Just one little kiss.
- I have a boyfriend!
- Oh I won't tell.
- Don't, No!
Don't I have a splinter in my back.
- Oh, come on.
- No, ow. Ow! No!
- Ow! You're pushing it in further!
- Let me suck it out.
- Aw, come on.
- It hurts, ow!
- No problem, I've almost got it.
Here let me get your zipper.
(moaning)
- If I'm not back in a couple of minutes,
finish up without me.
- I've almost got it now.
- Ow, don't, you don't
even have any tweezers.
- Oh, let me use my teeth.
- Oh that's yucky!
Don't
- Oh come on.
I come from a long line
of splinter removers,
I'll get it
- Quit it.
(vibrator)
[Bill] She better be
careful with that thing.
She'll short out the house.
My head, got bigger.
Someone's showing a film on my face.
It's an art film.
Bergmar, or perhaps any of
the post-war German directors
who's subtle use of shade...
I'm out of focus!
I'm not. I am!
I'm not.
I fooled myself.
This tie, this tie.
Tie yi yippie yippie!
Get up!
- Hey don't hit me in the stomach.
Thank you.
(yelling)
- What the fuck?
Stop or I'll shoot.
- Tie yi!
(groaning)
- [Bill] You can't talk to me like that,
I'm president of Drugway!
(exclaiming)
[Bill] Tie yi!
- [Blanche] Oh there's a fly on her back!
- [Jack] So you're behind Drugway!
(exclaiming)
- Oh God, look at the size of that thing!
- Whoa!
- Oooo!
- Can I have it?
- No!
- Oh jeez.
- And that's no fly.
It's a splinter the size of a Buick.
She should've had it removed.
Like you!
Now then, you two, go to the doughnut shop
and get the police.
Tell them I've got the head of Drugway.
And bring me back a dozen doughnut holes.
[Blanche) I'm still in my robe.
My first arrest.
I'd better give Bill my gun,
so he looks more like a criminal.
I want everything to look
good for the six o'clock news.
There, he's still not
quite right though.
Oh that's it!
Criminals always sweat.
Come on sweat!
Sweat!
Sweat goddamn you!
Sweat!
- I'm burning up.
(groaning)
- Get up Fatty.
(groaning)
What kind of splinter is that?
- Mahogany!
Ah!
(gunshot)
(ricocheting bullet)
(intense music)
Mary!
Mary, wake up!
Her mom will be pissed.
- Make up a story.
- A story.
(sneezes)
I better call Dr. Carroll.
He'll know how to help me.
He'll get me out of this jam.
- Another senseless drug related death.
It proves that drugs
and splinters don't mix.
I've gotta go comb my hair,
before the goddamn press gets here.
If Bill there tries anything,
throw the pitcher of water on him.
- Mary.
Mary.
(ripping)
I tore your head off, I'm
stronger than I thought.
You'd only say this.
(mysterious music)
- [Jack] So Bill Harper went on trial
for being the head of Drugway.
I was supposed to be the chief
witness for the prosecution,
but I blew my frigging transmission
and I never made it to the trial.
I wish I had.
- [Bailiff] The defense would like to call
Dr. Alfred Carroll to the stand, man.
- Dr. Carroll, you are a
respected leader of the community,
chairman on the school
board, head of the Rotary
and founder of a committee
to end U.S. involvement in Los Angeles.
As a character witness,
tell the jury what a
swell kid Billy Harper is.
- He's a little shit.
(crowd gasping)
A fuckstick!
- Run for it Harper.
- He should be hung.
He should be beat.
He should be beat and hung.
He should be shuffled off to
Buffalo to live for a year.
That's what I would do
to him, if I were you.
But don't let me influence
you, one single little bit.
How was that,
Bob?
- I object your honor,
on the grounds that the
witness has a cheap accent.
Incredibly cheap!
- You're right. You should
go to Berlitz you asshole.
- Wait a minute Dr. Carroll.
Hold on a second.
Keep your shirt on. Take the cat out.
Pick up my dry cleaning.
Get a haircut. Don't slouch.
Eat your cauliflower.
Be in before the street lights are on.
Can't you say anything good
about my client, William Harper?
Dr. Carroll?
Al?
- No!
He's behind Drugway.
He's guilty of every crime
that he is charged with.
They should flog and lynch him.
In fact, I think his parents
should be wiped off the
very face of this planet.
(crowd reaction)
- Hold it up there Dr. Carroll.
This isn't the way we rehearsed
this in my office earlier.
- I was fooling around
with you in your office.
It was comedy. It was humor.
I was playing with your mind.
It was a practical joke
and the joke is on you.
- Here's a church, here's a steeple.
Open the door.
The people are on fire!
- So Bill goes up the river for a while,
he's just a kid.
His boat will come in.
- Ship, ship!
- Ship, boat what's the difference?
He's still up the creek.
Without an oar.
- Paddle!
Get it right!
(groaning)
- Say Jack, how long are we gonna have to
sleep in this mosquito net?
- The apartment might be bugged.
How many times do I have to tell you that?
I'm a cop.
I run some risks.
- Oh, but people can see in here.
- So what if they can?
We can't see out,
so we're the ones with the advantage.
- But I feel so naked.
- What the hell for?
You have all my clothes on.
- That doesn't matter to them.
They just wanna see me
naked as a bluebird.
- [Ralph] Jaybird, jaybird!
Get it right!
- That guy's gotta go.
(fly buzzing)
- I'm going downtown,
to see the captain.
Hey, there's a big fly on
your shoulder, don't move.
(slapping)
[Fly] Ow! Help me!
- That got it.
[Fly] Help me! Help me!
(mysterious music)
- Come in Jack.
- Well I cracked the Drugway case.
- Why so glum?
- There's this guy in my house.
- Has he been there a long time?
- That's right.
I can't get rid of him.
- Hmm.
- All he ever does is sit
around and laugh like a loon.
Drink like a fish.
Smoke like a chimney and walk like a man.
- Is his name Ralph?
Does he like to watch you
get dressed and undressed?
- Mmm hmm.
- He's nuts.
He'll cut your fingers off.
Too late.
- [Paperboy] Extra, extra, extra.
Read all about it.
Get the Herald-Tribune,
Harper verdict... shit!
- Did you ever wonder why
it takes twelve people to make a decision?
Why not nine or fifteen?
Do you ask eleven of your friends
every time you decide something?
Because, I as sure as sherbet don't.
I know we all have something better to do,
I could be hang gliding or
break dancing or lawn bowling.
There's a real man's sport.
But, not on your life!
Because this little shit over here,
has to go get himself arrested
and ruin everybody's weekend.
Now either he's involved
with drugs or he isn't.
It's no big deal.
Let's just flip a coin and
get this thing over with.
Because we let everyone decide,
this could end up in a hung jury.
And why do they call
it a hung jury anyway?
Just because there are no
good at coming to a decision,
is no reason to hang them.
What if they're really good
at not coming to a decision?
Would it be called a well hung jury?
That sounds a little sexist to me.
If not down right disgusting!
And why do they call it a joint anyway?
It doesn't bend anywhere.
Oh well maybe you can
squish it, or fold it.
But, that's not a joint.
That's a crease.
And did you ever wonder why
women have to wear hats inside
and men don't.
Who thought of that rule?
Men have to protect their
heads too, don't they?
Your all responsible, not
only for your own safety,
but that of your neighbor.
So you better remember this,
if the ceiling caves in,
it'll be on your head!
(snoring)
- Doesn't this guy ever shut up?
Boy, they've definitely got
the wrong guy on trial here.
I wish they'd shoot me or shoot him,
but get this thing over with.
- Why do they call it hot water heater?
If the water is already
hot, why heat it up?
That's the silliest thing I ever heard of.
And can anyone here tell me why
they sell eight hot dog buns
when hot dogs come in packages of ten?
Why'd you have to buy
four packs of hot dogs
and five packs of buns
just to come out even.
And what about socks?
Why is it that they
make you buy two socks?
Why not one sock?
Just the other day I needed
one sock to match a stray,
but no I had to buy two!
I can buy one shirt,
and I can buy one tie.
Why not one fucking sock?!
That's not fair!
I think there should be a one sock store!
Don't you?
[Voice in crowd] Aww man, one
more word out of this loser
and I'm leaving.
- [Lawyer] And did you ever wonder why
you could never find--
(groaning)
- A man's life is at stake.
Let's play poker.
(chattering)
- [Bald man] Shouldn't
we reach a verdict first?
- [Jury Foreman] We can't now,
the game's already started.
- In that case, I bet
everything that I own.
- Okay, okay, you're in.
Cards gentlemen.
- Yeah I'll play these.
- Give me two cards.
- Here's two.
- Uh, I need three cards.
- Here's three.
- I want an ace and queen.
- Here's an ace and a queen.
- I want to play Old Maid.
- You are what you play.
(chuckling)
- Okay, I call.
I've got a royal flush.
(exclaiming)
What do you have you bald turd?
- I have a three, a
five, and a picture card.
Do I win?
(laughing)
- You've got as much chance of winning,
as this light cord has of
turning into a hangman's noose.
(exclaiming)
- [Jury Foreman] By
George, how'd you do that?
- [Bald Man] It wasn't easy.
- Are you come kind of a witch?
Are you a good witch or a bad witch, huh?
- I think he's a witch.
- Yes.
Let's burn him.
- Hey, did you see this
month's centerfold?
- Why do they call it a centerfold?
- Cause you fold in the center Einstein.
- [Bailiff] I-31
- [Juror] That's my seat over there.
- I'll sit next to you.
- I'll sit behind you.
- [Bailiff) B-6
- Ah, prison won't be so bad.
As long as I remember
to wear a steel plate
down the back of my trousers.
- [Bailiff] N-42.
- Somebody took my seat.
- That's N-42.
- [Bailiff] G-68.
- Bingo! Bingo!
- [Judge] Oh sit down you assholes!
Let's get on with this trail.
Have you reached a verdict?
- Maybe.
- Will the defendant please rise.
What is your verdict?
- We find the defendant not... innocent.
(crowd gasping)
(sobbing)
- It's okay, honey,
we can still rent his room.
- Oh, I hope he gets the gas chamber.
[Judge] Wait! Nobody leave.
I'll be right back with my accordion.
(chuckling)
- [Man] Talk about cruel
and unusual punishment.
(crowd noise)
(Bill, out of control crying and yelling).
(Bill wailing)
- [Lawyer] Oh for Pete's sake shut up!
- [Bill] You shut up!
- [Lawyer] You shut up!
- [Bill] You shut up!
- [Lawyer] Oh grow up!
- [Bill] Oh you bonehead!
(crying)
- Damn that Jack.
Why did he have to arrest Billy?
He was a good kid.
Lousy dresser.
But a good kid.
Oh damn.
(piano music)
Blanche, where can I find some pot?
- Well why don't you try
looking in Mae's box?
(giggling)
- Oh, that box!
[Box] Butter!
Mae!
Get out here!
- What do you want?
- What do you keep in your box?
(piano music)
- No more drugs.
What am I gonna do?
Blanche,
tell me, what should I do?
- Well, why don't you slit your throat?
- Oh, wow.
- Hey you weirdo!
These are the last two joints!
- Last joints?
What about tomorrow?
- There'll be no tomorrow.
Jack says you have to leave.
- Leave?!
Damn that Jack.
I better get a grip on myself.
- Oh, that's disgusting.
Who is he?
- I thought he was your friend.
(crying)
- No more women,
reefer,
food or booze.
(crying)
Who's gonna have a...
party?!
(wimpering)
- Hey stop rubbing your hands together,
you're starting a fire.
- Well don't tell Smokey.
- What?
(crying)
Go like this.
(piano music)
- Nobody likes me.
(crying)
- Ralph.
I have something to tell you.
Your fly is open.
Did you hear what I said?
- Yeah.
I like it that way.
- So do I.
Sit down.
(piano music)
Sing along,
if you want to.
(Old McDonald melody)
(puffing)
- Here.
(blowing raspberry)
- Feelings!
- Old McDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O.
- Feelings.
And on this farm he had a duck.
E-I-E-I-O.
- Play feelings.
- Quack, quack here. Quack, quack there.
Quack, quack, quack.
Old McDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O.
- Feelings.
- And on this farm he had a cow.
- Play feelings.
- [Blanche] I don't know Feelings!
- Aww, fuck it.
- Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo!
- Oh shit!
My tits are growing.
It's an old marijuana joke.
I'm going blind!
(crying)
- [Jack] That's an old masturbation joke.
- What?
Jack!
I know what you want.
You want me to leave.
- It's about time.
You've been here three weeks.
The party's over.
- Oh well it was a lousy party!
And you're a lousy host!
(beating)
- (screaming/singing)
- [Jack] Goddamn fractured skull.
- [Ralph] I'm gonna stuff
you in the piano Jack!
- Help Police, there's an orgy upstairs.
Bring whipped cream and a chandelier.
- E-I...
E-I... Oooo.
(piano strings plucking)
- [Jack] Ralph. Blanche let
me out of the goddamn piano.
I won't tun you in.
I promise.
Please!
- Hot damn a girl!
- Okay, where's the orgy?
- Hey, there's all signs
of drugs back here.
- Alright arrest everyone, but
we're still having an orgy.
- It's Ralph the mooch! Let's
roll him in the hallway.
- [Jack] Hey you guys,
don't leave me here.
I know you're out there Frank
I can hear you touching your gun.
[Jack] They took Mae in
and tried to charge her
with drug dealing.
Fortunately through my
connections on the force,
I was able to get her off.
- [Mae] It was the first time in years.
- [Jack] The arrest of
Ralph, Mae and Blanche
led to a statewide raid
of the Drugway ring.
I was supposed to lead the raid.
But my radiator boiled
over and I never made it.
That car was really
beginning to piss me off.
(police sirens)
(fast music)
- You rotten liberals are
under arrest for no reason!
How's that grab you?
- Yee haw!
- Carve my initials in Chinese
on this damn door here.
Open up, your under arrest for being poor!
- Well, we got those pictures of ya,
and the duck looks great.
- [Captian] The duck said it was 18.
- [Paperboy] Extra! Harper
case gang leaders captured,
all higher-ups of gang
behind scenes in Harper case
taken into custody.
Swift action promised.
Hey! I got through it all!
Give me more, come on!
(light music)
- Uncle Jerry, I mean your Honor.
I'm sick of being a lawyer.
I just wanna plead
guilty and get this over.
So I can get in a few
hours of heavy drinking,
and you can play some golf.
How's that sound?
- Great, by the way, did I tell you
I got that new putter?
- Oh, putt this!
What am I guilty of?
Having fun?
I said sex, but the kids said drugs.
What's a matter with these kids today?
I'm blamed for everything.
When I worked at the Watergate I swear,
I never left any door unlocked.
Damn those republicans anyway.
Maybe I had been casually body surfing
when that iceberg moved in
front the Titanic, so what?
I'm very sorry about Sonny and Cher too.
But I didn't break them up.
It wasn't my fault.
I know,
I did sell some
wire hangers to
Joan Crawford's house keeper.
But,
please...
don't bring up Jimmy Hoffa.
All right, all right!
I shot the sheriff.
But I did not shoot the deputy.
Oh, please listen judge.
That poor Bill Harper.
He's innocent Judge, I
know that he was framed.
He was promised the moon,
but all he ever got was Uranus.
The wrong one's in jail.
The man responsible is
Alfred Carroll,
he's the one.
Alfred Carroll.
Alllffffred Caaarrolllll!
- Quiet the F-O-B-O-I
said all their evidence
against Dr. Carroll was
eaten by a giant monster.
- Goddamn it! That always happens!
(crying)
- Will you listen to her whine?
Bozwick type up a affidavit
stating Bill Harper was not
responsible for Drugway?
Blanche if you sign this affidavit,
we'll let you go, okay?
(typing)
- Here it is my liege.
- Just sign this and I'll
drop the Drugway charges.
(scribbling)
(humming)
- Well that clears up Drugway,
however I added on you confessed
to all the other cases
pending in this court.
- [Blanche] What?
- I hereby remand you to the
custody of Eleanor Roosevelt
for the rest of your life.
- Come with me you unfortunate bimbo.
I'm going to take you home
and sharpen my dentures on your butt.
(Eleanor humming a funeral march)
(melancholy music)
- Oh my life is a mess.
If only I had another chance.
I'd probably end up the same.
I've always done things wrong.
Always...
done them backwards.
First I had a cigarette,
and then I had the sex.
- [Voices from the past] Kiss
like a man, kiss like a man.
- Drugway! Drugway!
- There's a fly on her back.
- Tie yi! Tie yi!
- Go back to Tara!
- May the Force be with you, Luke.
- Stella! Stella!
- Dentures on your butt.
Dentures on your butt.
- [Blanche] I think I can. I
think I can. I think I can!
(glass shattering)
- [Blanche] Don't look up my dress.
(body hitting pavement)
- Come back here, oh!
- [Man] I want her purse.
- There was a terrible tragedy today.
I shot a 96! Don't even
ask me about the back nine.
And if that wasn't enough,
I almost got run over
by some crazy, wild kid,
yelling five more points!
- [Bill] If anybody
here can read my mind,
please look at me.
- Bill Harper,
a jury of your peers has found you guilty,
but I really don't care.
I'm the judge here.
Fuck it, I can do anything I want.
All I wanna know Harper,
is do you feel lucky?
Well if the three of you
can stand perfectly still
for fifteen seconds, I'll let you go.
Okay, that's good enough for me.
You're free!
(crowd exclaiming)
- Oh, Bill!
(kissing)
- We burned your old suit Bill.
- You should have been in it.
Jim, got anymore sisters?
(laughing)
- Do you ever wonder
why men have to shave,
and women don't?
- You've never seen my wife.
- What does she look like?
- You with a darker mustache.
(Ralph demented laughter)
- Your honor, Ralph over here
is really a man of many faces.
Well maybe not many faces,
maybe only about one,
two, three, four, five,
six faces to be exact.
But don't let those
innocent looks, fool ya.
He's a mooch guilty of the heinous crime
of not knowing when to leave a party.
I recommend the stiffest penalty allowed.
Did you ever wonder...
- Oh shut up!
I sentence him to 15 years
on a dead man's chest.
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum.
(mysterious music)
- [Rick] Uh oh, nobody
turn around, it's Jack.
- [Jack] It had been three
weeks since I busted Drugway
and I knew we'd never hear from that scum
Dr. Alfred Carroll again.
I was a big hero in town
and everybody loved me.
- Oh God, he's coming
right over to our table.
- Jack!
Huh?
- [Bill] Hey Jimmy, if you're real lucky
he'll tell you all about Drugway again.
(laughing)
I got 90 points.
- Whoop dee doo.
So what?
I broke Drugway.
I got transferred up to Mayberry.
I need you to drive me there today Jimmy.
- What?
Can't you drive?
- No.
Finally got my lousy car running.
And that goddamn mechanic stole it.
- Ah, it's 900 miles.
- Just think of all the
old men, you'll rack up
and it's a clean town.
- No drugs in Mayberry?
Huh?
- Nope.
(patriotic music)
- Howdy.
Ladies and gentlemen of Mayberry.
I'd like to introduce you to
an out of sight new program.
It's called Drugs R'Us.
It's an exciting opportunity
to earn millions of
dollars in your spare time.
It can also open doors to a
variety of exciting careers.
I have my own Saturday
morning cartoon show,
Dr. Carroll's neighborhood.
I want you to watch.
You
and you,
and you!
How long do I have to keep my finger up?
(fast music)
- [Jack] You might be wondering
what happened to all these people.
Well, Dr. Carroll never
did let his finger down
and became the model for the
U.S. Army recruiting poster.
Ralph kept right on laughing to network TV
where he landed a spot as
a permanent audience member
of The Tonight Show.
Bill inspired the first
polyester leisure suit
and founded a Gentleman's
Quarterly Magazine.
Jimmy moved to Palm Springs,
and is now a driving instructor
at a retirement village.
Blanche recovered from her fall.
Took the pen name of Erica Jong and wrote,
The Fear of Flying.
My wife Mae, divorced me
and married land barron, Rocco Harper.
And me,
I've been hiding out.
Where no one would ever find me.
As Vice President of the United States.
(Reefer Madness Theme)
♪ Once upon a time I was so innocent ♪
♪ I strayed not to the
left nor to the right ♪
♪ Washed my sheets once a week ♪
♪ Helped old ladies cross the street ♪
♪ Turn in all my school
work right on time ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness. ♪
♪ Step right on up here everyone ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, weed
out Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Yes you can sell it by the ton ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
♪ I can't believe the fool
I could have ever been ♪
♪ To smoke that stupid
joint that stupid day ♪
♪ I felt so crazy and so
strange, permanently rearranged ♪
♪ Did some things they
told me I can't say ♪
♪ It's that Reefer Madness,
get your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Step right on up here everyone ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, weed
out Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Yes you can sell it by the ton. ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
♪ Reefer madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ Step right on up here everyone ♪
♪ Reefer Madness, get
your Reefer Madness ♪
♪ It's public enemy number one ♪
(humming)
- Movie's over Mary, last
chance to touch my weenie.
- No I can't now, Ted, I'm dead.
- Big deal babe, you always
were from the waist down.
- Oh!