Red Velvet (2008) - full transcript

A man and a young woman have a chance encounter at a laundry mat which leads to a story about a birthday party where everyone has been killed by a madman in a white jumpsuit.

- You're just a fucking pig!

- I want to, I want to.

and I'm gonna get it done,

it's too hard right
now, I'm gonna get--

- Whatever?

You're such a fucking pig!

- Just hanging out,

it's not even a big deal!

- I'm always home!

- This has gotta stop.

- What?

Say something.




Oh, hey, man, you
dropped some quarters.

One came all the way over here,

if you care.

Hey, I have that shirt.

- Yeah, you're wearing
yours, this one's mine.

Look, do I know you?

- Yeah, I think we're neighbors.

- No, I didn't ask you
if you'd seen me before.

I asked if you know me.

- I'm Linda.

- Great, now you've forced
me to know your name, Linda.

Are you happy?

- Wow... uh.

I was just trying to be polite.

I mean, we do live in the
same apartment building.

- Sorry if I seem
a little harsh.

I'm having a hard day.

- Ah, yeah, well, join the club.

- I don't see you in traction.

Your pain must be on the inside.

I guess for a first date,
it's not too bad, huh?

- Being my neighbor, you
must know I have a boyfriend,

a very large boyfriend.

- Well, I've never met him.

I've only ever had the
pleasure of hearing him

throw you against the wall.

PlayStation doesn't cry, Linda!

- Yeah, well, I'm not the
one with the black eye.

- Yeah, you should
see the other guys.

By the way, Linda, did I
mention you're awfully nosy?

- I'm not the one eavesdropping
on people's apartments.

- Well, I don't exactly
have to hold a glass

up against the wall to
hear well, what's his name,

Dumbfuck, kicking your ass.

- His name is Kyle, and
he doesn't kick my ass.

Half the time you're probably
hearing me throw shit.

I tend to break
things when I'm angry.

- Ooh, whoa.

- So, since we're prying into
each other's personal lives,

I gotta know what
happened to your eye.

- Why?

- Just curious.

I know I've only known
you for a wash cycle

and I already wanna
punch you in the face.

- Hmm.

Yeah, my work is
hazardous, it's messy.

- What do you do?

Extreme painting?

- What are you talking about?

- You're wearing
a painter's suit.

I mean, you must be a painter.

- It's laundry day.

You're wearing a chicken shirt.

What does that
mean, you lay eggs?

This is a McConville jumpsuit.

It's industrial durability,
cellulose based,

and on a molecular level,
the hydrogen bonding--

- Huh, hydro what?

- Shh, it's odor free,
it's wrinkle free,

and with minimal
Scotchgard, stain resistant.

I never bother with
the Scotchgard.

- So if
you're not a painter,

then why are you so
worried about stains?

- We're all worried
about stains, Linda.

This is a laundromat.

We're not here at the crack
of dawn to make friends,

or take a steam bath, are we?

It's all about the stains.

- So you must just
have a messy job

that doesn't involve paint.

- Look, it's not important.

Okay, it's like ping-pong,

or dressing up in
women's clothing.

I don't play
ping-pong, by the way.

- You're fucking crazy.

- Oh yeah, you have no idea.

So Linda, who snorts
when she laughs,

has a dumb fuck for a boyfriend

and bullies strangers
into conversations.

Do you like to eat food?

- Occasionally.

- Oh, God, no, we might actually
have something in common.

- Technically, yeah.

- So you wanna get some food

after you finish
folding my stuff?

- Go to hell.

- Whoa, shh, language.

There might be people that
actually speak English in here.

Lunch, please?

- Lunch with you?

- Duh.

- Oh, oh,

I'm sorry, I just think
I might have a problem

holding my food down
while staring at you

from across a table.

- I'm nicer than your boyfriend.

- Yeah, well, everybody's
nicer than my boyfriend,

which is why I'm doing
laundry at the crack of dawn

to avoid going home to my,

my dumb fuck.

- Ha, well, let's
not go home together.

- Oh yeah, right.

- I get it.

- You get what?

- Yeah, you're chicken,
no pun intended.

- I'm chicken?

- Yeah.
- I'm chicken?

Oh, like I'm scared
of something?

- Yeah.

- What might that be?

- I don't know.

Hot young girl,

big bad wolf,

did I mention you're hot?

- Thank you.

Look, don't worry about
me, I can handle myself.

I'm a big girl.

But you, a big bad wolf?

I don't know, no offense,
I just kinda see you

more like a sheep
in wolf's clothing.

- Look, all I'm saying
is I could understand

why you wouldn't go to lunch
with a complete stranger,

but thanks for the demeaning
characterization anyway.

- Oh, gee, I'm so sorry.

- I'm starving.

There's a vending machine there.

- I suppose we could go
somewhere public and well lit

with plastic utensils
and clear escape routes.

- Oh, yeah?

I'm just saying we
can hang out here

and breathe this dryer
lint in hellhole,

or we can walk 100 feet
and hang out in Bangkok.

It's your call.

- I've always wanted
to go to Bangkok.

- It's weird, huh?

I mean,

my power.

- Oh, it must be a supernatural

'cause it ain't your charm,
that's for goddamn sure.

- Don't be so obvious, is
she looking over here, baby?

- No, she doesn't
even know we're alive.

Would you like me to signal?

- Mm-hm.

- Did you call me baby?

- Just chill out, watch.

- You're serious.
- Watch.

- You want to order something?

- Yes, we'll have two beers,

she'll have the
Thai spring rolls,

and I'll have the
pad siew, please.

- Ka.

- How the hell did you do that?

And how'd you know
what I wanted to eat?

- I told you,

I'm magical.

Or maybe...

- You've got quite
an imagination there.

Is this a hobby, you write?

- No, I'm a storyteller.

Now if you're lucky,
you might make it

into one of my stories,
but you'd be naked.

- Honored.

Are you any good?

- Oh, I don't know.

- Come on, why don't you
just tell me a story, then?

- Don't mock me.

- Look, it's been real but,

I've kinda got some
panties to fold.

- All right, I'll
tell you a story.

- Would it
kill someone to come

in this kitchen and help me?

I oughta poison
all you ingrates!

- Stay put,

there's knives in there.

- Very hot plate.

- Thanks.

So, where's this story going?

- Well, give me a
minute, ADD, geez.

- Can someone come into
this kitchen and help me?

I oughta poison
all you ingrates!

I don't know why I bother!

Here ya go, piggies!

Oh, whores, bastards!

Look at the mess you made!

More work for Mommy!

Ah, this spoon is singing to me!

- Mommy?
- Stop.

- Mommy, did you remember

to take your special
medication today?

- I made your favorite,

wormies with
marinada-nada-nada sauce.

It's tomato, don't ya know?

- Oh, great sauce,
honey, great sauce.

- Ain't no honey in that sauce,
only tomato, only tomato!

- Only tomato, only tomato,

only tomato, that's all we got.

- You!

- It's not his fault.

- It's always gonna
be you, it's only you!

- Don't, don't you touch him.

- They won't be around
forever to save you.

Just you wait, just you wait.

- It just seems a little tame,

dysfunctional family
with a loony mom.

- Wow.

Now, I would've
guessed pole dancer,

but literary critic,
that's amazing.

- Don't get bent outta shape.

I was just saying that--

- I wasn't finished.

- Creepy,
I'll give ya that.

- How generous of you.

- It just still seems a
little tame compared to you.

- You know what?

Fuck off, you try and do better.

- You know what?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
you're right, I'm just,

I'm in a really foul mood today.

I was supposed to be
at a friend's birthday
party last night

and it's like up in the woods,

it's at this really cool cabin

and my best friends are up
there and my sister's up there.

- So?

- So at the last minute,
Kyle decides he's gotta watch

some college ballgame
and refuses to take me.

- So why didn't you just
ditch him and go yourself?

- Because my car's a beater

and Kyle wouldn't loan me
his car to drive up there.

'Cause he's a selfish asshole.

- That's a nice story.

- I just think it's
pretty lame that,

I'm not sitting with
my toes in a lake.

- So you missed your party.

Still no excuse to take it
out on your new boyfriend.

- I wasn't, and you're not.

It's just that your story was

not what I was expecting.

I guess I was expecting
something a little
more horrific.

- Oh, you like horrific, do you?

- Sometimes.

- Here's one.

- Need more fish sauce.

- Thanks, but for some reason,

making me into a killer hasn't

really cheered me
up all that much.

Hm, go figure.

- Hm.

- Hm, what?

- How 'bout I make
a story for you

about the party you missed.

Custom made, I'll just
need a little background.

- Like what?

- Like for starters,
where's this cabin?

- Big Bear.

- Isolated?

- Very.

- How many guests?

- Ooh, uh, Frank, Amy, Ken,

Roy, John, Jenny,

I know I'm forgetting
somebody, oh, uh...

Patricia, Pat, my sister.

- Okay, which one is
it, Patricia or Pat?

- Is Pat.

- 'Kay, that's
it, there's seven?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Who's birthday?

- Frank's and am I
telling the story, or?

- Fine.

- What?

- They're not gonna do

the whole surprise
thing, are they?

- You love this stuff,

you're like an
attention whore, go!

- You
just, you go first.

- Nope.

- What?

- First of all, my
sister's nothing like me.

She's not a blonde, she's
a brunette, no glasses.

- Okay, I should have figured
you were one of a kind.

- And you have Frank all wrong.

Although, he does
have tons of tattoos,

his hair's kind of long

and he's way too
cool to drive an SUV.

Oh, and there's just a--
- No, that's enough.

- Well, I just think
that you should--

- No, listen, am I telling
the story or are you?

- They're not gonna

do the whole surprise
thing, are they?

- You love this stuff,

you're like an attention whore.

- Wow, what a
reception, I'm touched.

You guys stoned already, or?

- Happy Birthday!

- Roy, Roy, do me a
favor, keep it real,

you just keep it
real, this one time,

once in your life, keep it real.

- How's this
for keepin' it real?

- Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh!

- Oh, no, oh, no!

- She touched it.

- Oh!
- You touched it.

- If you're not wearing
underwear, say hooty-hoo!

- I'm wearing underwear.

- All right, let's go.

- Does that
mean we're not gonna--

- This is something
for Frank especially.

- I want one too.

- All everyone was expecting
cabin and rocks, right?

- There's nothing
sweet about that.

- Can I use your
light again, man?

- Hm?

Man, I love you guys.

- Aw, it's cute,
love you too but,

you can go to hell because what
I really love is this cabin.

- Yeah!
- Right?

- Yay!

- Oh, congratulation!

Oh, I know you.

You come here some time
with a big, handsome man.

- Oh, she means Dumbfuck.

- Dumbfuck?

What's that mean?

So nasty.

- Oh my God, now I really
wish I was at that cabin.

- Oh, that'll change,
just gimme some time.

- Ooh, I'm shakin' in my boots.

It's all been very
horrific so far.

- Well, gimme a minute,

I gotta set up the
freakin' characters, right?

- Yeah, you should
just calm down though,

I mean, you're so worked up.

- Yeah but you, you
really piss me off,

you know that, don't you?

Kiss me.

I'll take it out
on your friends.

- Are we skinny dipping today?

- Aw, skinny dipping,
really, with the nude?

How hippy.

- Come on, boy,
live a little, man.

- Ahh!
- I know,

you could use some sun, baby.

- Yeah, show it, SBBD.

- Ahh!
- SB, SB what?


- Skinny Boy Big Dick.

- Shut up, it's not that big.

- You know what?

I think I'm gonna wear my
bathing suit after all.

- Hey, don't let
Anaconda intimidate you,

Johnny, you got points.

- Ah-ha-ha-ha, suck it.

- Let's swim, shall we?

- I'm sorry, I just can't
keep my hands off this guy.

Come here, hey, come here!
- Ah, no, stop, man!

- Take it, take it, take it.
- I've got a rash on my neck.

- Ow, all right, all right!

All right, I'm done,
I'm done, ow, ow, okay.

- See that?

Brute force is no
match for physics.

- Physics nothing, more like
ball-grabbing, you pole smoker.

- Oh, I see, so he beat
you in a fair fight

and you gotta call him gay?

- Uh, no, he grabbed my nuts
is why I called him gay.

And besides, look how pretty
he is, huh, ya see that?

- He's got you there,
Roy, you are pretty.

- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm, I know, I know,

I'm pretty like a girl.

I can't help it, I'm sick of it.

Girls just wanna dress me
up like a little sister

and guys either
wanna beat me up,

or get me to blow them.

- Oh, oh!

- Well, come on, Christ!
- Whoa, Roy!

Honey, settle down a little bit.

We're just windin' ya up.

Just windin' ya up.

- I know, I'm just
messing with you guys.

- Okay.

- Can I just say how bummed
I am that Linda's not here.

- Pretty weak.

- Yeah, she should be here.

- Okay, no, I don't wanna
talk about it, all right?

It really irks me, and
her dumb fuck boyfriend.

- Dumb fuck, dumb fuck.
- Dumb fuck.

Dumb fuck, dumb fuck.

- Nice touch.

- Dumb fuck, dumb fuck.
- Hey, hey, let's go swimming!

Last one in is Roy!

- Oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, shit, shit,

I forgot my music.
- Go to hell.

- I'm gonna run back, get
my boombox, be right back.

- Now, help me design
our perfect maniac.

- How's that?

- Well, like,

what should our
psycho look like?

- Probably like you?

- Nice.

- Anyways, he should
probably have one

of your creepy
macaroni suits on.

- It's a McConville.

And how do we even
know the guy's a he?

- Oh, come on, get
real, he's a he.

- Okay, what's he look like?

- Like, is he wearing
a mask or something?

- Yeah, whatever.

- Hm, maybe it's just
like black face makeup.

- No, not blackface makeup,

I meant like just
black face makeup.

- That's too predictable,
let's think of household items.

Very funny.

- I'm sorry!

Okay, so let's just put
a kid's mask on him then.

- Wow, that's original.

- Well, fuck you.

- Why doesn't he just pull a
nylon stocking over his head?

- Sure, I mean, just
'cause it's cliche

doesn't mean it can't be creepy.

- Okay, so,

we'll all some barbed wire.

- All right, I like where
you're going with this.

- Yeah?

It's dramatic, but
it's not believable.

He'd be shedding crayon
crumbs everywhere.

- Yeah, you're
probably right, so,

you just wanna stick
to the ski mask?

- I'll give you that.

But how 'bout we compromise?

- That is really creepy.

- So we're good to go?

- No.

I want a pink tool belt.

- Get out.

- I mean, it's just a story,

so I want a pink tool belt.

- You're serious?

- Yeah.

Oh, come on!

- I can see why he would bring--

- Why did I leave
my gold earring here?

- Don't, don't do this to me.

Now you see that?

I don't need you, Mr.
Cable, I have batteries.

You're no match
for me, it's cool.

Stings, does it?

All right, what's up, holla!

Naked lake, here I come!

♪ I'm like a psychobilly

♪ Mad man sitting on a tree
- Help, help!

♪ K-I-L-L-I-N-G

♪ Like a rockabilly zombie
on a killing spree ♪

♪ K-I-L-L-I-N-G

♪ I love to watch you bleed

♪ Well I love to
hear you scream ♪

♪ Well twisting, churning,
smash your spleen ♪

♪ Everybody hides from
the death machine ♪

♪ K-I-L-L-I-N-G

- Jesus, what's your damage?

- You're kidding, right?

- No, what kind of brain
comes up with shit like that?

- You're such a poser.

- Me?

- Yeah, you try to act all
hardcore but you're really,

you're just a girl.

- Well, I am, and the people

that you're slaughtering
happen to be my friends.

- It's a story.

Besides, I wouldn't
think that you would mind

considering they're all up
there partying without you.

Shit, you said they
haven't even called you.

- There's probably
no cell reception.

- Yeah, right.

- Death is too good for them.

- That's the spirit.


What are you doing,
it's not finished yet.

- Oh, listen, I'd love to
spend all day listening

to your perverted fantasies,
but I gotta get goin'.

- What?

Oh, right,

yeah, Prince Charming
is waiting for you.

- So we ate some noodles while
you slaughtered my friends.

Doesn't make us best
friends forever.

- I didn't force you
to have lunch with me.

- Whatever.

- No, I'm not buying this.

You approached me
in the laundromat.

I didn't even wanna talk
to you but you persisted.

And I think you
like me in that way.

- Oh, dream on.

What is your point?

- My point?

My point is you can't
treat me like a novelty.

This guy, Kyle, he's
a hobby, I'm for real.

- No, you're full of shit.

And you don't know
anything about me.

- I know you better
than you think.

Your voice, it
penetrates the drywall

of my apartment like a chainsaw.

- And nobody asked
you to listen.

- No, you never asked
me, you insisted

with your incessant yelling,

and your nagging,
and your crying.

But you're still hot.

- Regardless, thank you,

for a really lovely lunch.

- Well, in lieu
of dessert, Linda,

why don't you chew on this?

Everything else aside, had
you really wanted to make

that birthday party, you
would have been there.


- I'm sorry I bailed back there.

It's been a day.

- I just figured you were trying

to get out of paying
for the check.

- Oh, shit, no, oh,
God, no, I'm sorry.

- It's cool, it's
cool, I handled it.

Let's just say you owe me one.

- Okay, are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Listen, I didn't realize you
could hear so much at home.

- A lot.

- Well, let's hope not too much.

- More than I would like.

Oh, you meant do I actually
hear you two having sex?

No, although I would
welcome the sound

of you and Dumbfuck going at it.

- Excuse me?

- Anything would be
better than listening

to the two of you break plates
over each other's heads.

Now, is screwing the only
thing you do quietly, or?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sex has been a
little scarce lately?

I can fix that.

- Watch it.

- Are you gonna show me your
impressive folding technique?

- Why on earth would I miss
my friend's party on purpose?

- How would I know?

I was just suggesting that

if you really
wanted to be there,

you would have been.

- Oh, come on, use
your imagination.

I'm just asking you for
one fucking simple reason.

- All right, I'll
give you a couple.

If you'd shown up
there with Kyle,

the two of you would have
fought the entire time,

effectively killing
everyone's buzz.

Now, had you gone alone,

your friends would have
railed on you the entire time

about dumping that loser.

All I can say is this,

I haven't lied to you.

I make stuff up in my stories

but I'm telling you
the truth right now.

That boyfriend of
yours, he's dead weight.

- Do you actually think
if I wasn't with Kyle,

you and I would stand a chance?

- Oh, Linda,

I wish this was about us.

But it's not, it's about you
and your crappy boyfriend.

- Shit!

Yeah, I know, I know!

This isn't easy for me.

- Sure it is.

- No, Aaron, it's not.

- Linda,

I have vision.

- Come on, 35, 35, we got this,

we got this, let's go, let's go.

Are you serious?

It's two
more yards, you pussies!

You gotta go--

Oh, shit.

- Too good, that's too good.

- Nothing's too good for him.
- Oh, stop,

I don't know if I
can take anymore.

- That's an interesting way

of mourning the
death of a loved one.

- Oh, he can't be dead.

- No?

- No, no, Kyle hasn't
suffered enough.

- It's your call.

- Down to 33.

- Oh, that's good,
thank you for that.

- Glad I could help.

- You are taking forever.

- I haven't perfected
the technique.

This comes so easy for you.

- I think you're stalling.

- For what?

- I wonder.

- You're a strange girl.

- Finish your story.

- What story?

- I get it, Kyle's a jerk.

But hopefully he'll
start to worry

if I don't come home soon.

- Worry?

We just killed him.

- This.

- Yeah, one of us should
be born more often.

- Ew, get that slimy
thing off of me.

- Come on, you know you like it.

- I sense some more
commentary coming.

- Oh, you've got it so wrong.

I mean, Roy is a nerd.

He's sweet, but he's a nerd.

- Even nerds do it, Linda.

- You don't know Roy.

- Stop.

Amy, Amy, Amy, don't
get water in my ears.

- Oh, "Don't get
water in my ear."

- Seriously.
- "Seriously!"

- It's not funny, Amy.

- "It's not funny, Amy."
- Stop playing.

- Aw!

- Aw!
- Aw!

- Hurricane splash!
- Hey, that's for--

- Hurricane splash!

- Hey, that's for--

- This is the best
birthday present I've ever had.

- Sorry I didn't
have time to wrap it.

- Your birthday
suit'll do just fine.

- Stop it, shit, stop it!

- Did you hear that?

- Uh-huh.

No doubt our little Roy.

No, wait, wait.

We can't have all the fun.

Let's give our
friend a little show.

- You are so bad.

Mm, God, fuck yeah.

- Ow, what the--
- Pig.

- Ow, what did you do that for?

- Shh.

- Ow!

- Who needs the internet?

- Oh, man!

I only came once.


Come out, come out,
whoever you are, Roy.

- Yup, as Roy's friend,

I think it's only fair I
give him a little taste.

- You're kidding, right?

- Oh, sorry, did you
wanna do the honors?

- No, no, thanks,
I think I'll pass.

I will say that you are

one generous friend.

- Me generous, um, have
you seen Roy's package?

I mean, he'd be
doing me the favor.

- All right.


and with that, I think I'll just

cruise my way down to the lake.



- Bye.


I got somethin' for ya.

Too late to be shy
now, baby, come on.

- That is so sick.

- Yeah, but it's hot, right?

- Not really.

- You're so jaded, you
wouldn't even admit it

if it were the hottest
thing you'd ever heard.

- Okay, first of all,
not that impressed,

and isn't it kind of a cliche

to kill people for having sex?

- No, it's not like that.

- Oh, it's not, is it like
old-school slasher style?

Kids go into the woods,
tits come out, I mean,

hockey masks and machetes
can't be far behind.

- Oh, please.

- A psychopath
punishing young people

for having a good time.

That is so tired
and so derivative.

- Fuck off, think about it.

In a social situation, like
a party, or a camping trip,

sex would be a time when couples

separated from the herd, right?

- Lame, if I remember,

your last scenario was
practically a threesome.

I mean, why does it
always have to be sex?

Someone can't like stumble

into the woods to
like, read a book?

- Well, you have
friends that can read?

- Funny, oh, and there's
just one small detail.

- Uh-huh?

- I know you worked extra hard

on the Frank-and-Jenny-humping

but Frank happens to be gay.

- Oh, a small detail, huh?

- I tried to tell
you this earlier.

- Okay, I'll try again.

- Roy?

- Yeah.

- Oh my God, are you okay?

- It's only 10 feet down.

Aw, man, it smells
like poop in here.

- Aw, shit.

- Oh my God.
- You all right?

Jenny, what are you doing?

- Somebody pushed me!

- Hello?

- Hello?
- This isn't funny, come on.

- Disgusting.

- Throw down a rope
and pull us up.

I'll go up and then
I'll pull you up.

- All right.

- Hold it, hold it, all
right, I'm comin' up.

All right, come on.

- Funny.

- I'm just tying up loose ends.

- Where's Jon?

He never made it to the lake.

- He's probably
hiding somewhere.

He's probably waiting for
us to stumble upon him

so he can scare
the shit out of us.

- Well, he's gonna
have a long wait.

- Probably stoned and
up a tree somewhere.

- He's definitely wasted

'cause he left his
precious music behind.

- Roy and Jenny are
nowhere in sight either.

- They'll be fine, believe me.

- Are you sure Roy'll be
safe in Jenny's hands?

- Oh, I think he's in
more than her hands.

- Oh!
- All right, guys,

let's not be rude about
our resident man-eater.

- Roy and Jenny hooking
up, uh-uh, no way.

- Let's just put it this way,

Jenny'll give Roy something
besides sci-fi to obsess about.

- You're such a pig.

- Our little Roy is
boldly going where

many men have gone before.

- Yes, exploring
spectacular planets.

- Entering warp space.

- Shut up.

- He's being
swallowed by a black hole.

- Okay, really?

Okay, you're just gross.
- Well I, okay.

- Where are you going?

- Well, none of us
know how to make toast.

So, I'm gonna go find Jon,

pry him out of his tree,

and get him to rustle up
some grub for the troops.

- Oh, yes, please, I'm starving.

- I can make toast.

What are you doing, Miss Thang?

- Let's get the damn
candles on this thing.

If Frank doesn't find Jon soon,

we're gonna have a red
velvet cake for dinner.

- A lawn mower in a forest.

Good luck.


Man, you scared the living--

- Shh.

- Don't shush me, motherfucker.

I'll fuck you up.

Come on, come on.

Thanks, but, not
really my thing.

You know, you're really starting

to piss me off, you know that?

You know, I could break
free if I wanted to.

Alright already.

It's not funny anymore, okay?

What do you want from me, huh?


All right, let me go now.

I'll do anything.

- Anything?

I want you.

- I bet you do.

- Mm, happy
birthday, baby.

- Happy birthday--

- Gimme that.

- I'm glad
you came, Ken.

Wait till I get my hands
on you, you little slut--

- Yep, you will have to wait

to get your hands on me.

- Oh, yeah.

That's right, grab my, oh, fuck.

Oh, shit, Jon, fuck!

- Shit, Jon, this
is a private party.

You know, I appreciate
you dressing up and all.

And by the way, what are
you doing with that nasty--


That was killer, Jon.

Now go be a stud and go make
dinner, everybody's hungry.

Show's over,
nothing to see here.

You're a bad boy.

- You guys
made this one too easy.

- Motherfucker.

- Don't think
this is happening

because of your lifestyle.

I wish I could feel one
way or the other about it.

- Please--

- I wish I
could feel anything.

- Ready, talk.

- Okay, you see this?

Look, see this, you
see these girls?

- Do you like--
- Pop it.

- Ow, fuck!

Ow, man.

- Show me, show me.

Whatcha got, whatcha
got, whatcha got?

- That's all I got.

Oh, God, that song must never
see the light of day again.

- We're never gonna see
the light of day again

unless we have someone come
and feed us some real food.

- So it's been real.

- I don't believe this.

Don't you wanna
know how it ends?

I'm one scene away from
finishing our story.

- Our story?

I'm not taking
credit for the pink tool belt.

- Ahh, well,

I'm pretty sure I'll
be seeing you around.

- Hey, you
know where I live.

- Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

- Oh,

it's okay, I'll
take a rain check.

- Oh, uh, yeah.

Fucking motherfucker.


What an asshole.

- Hey, it was an accident.

- What?

- Here, take it, got
mixed up in my things.

Innocent mistake.

- I could fucking scream.

- Well, you just did.

It's paper thin, remember?

- It's like, it's as if...

It's like Kyle fucking won't
even let me go to the cabin

so he that he can stay
home and watch some game

and then he just bails?

Like he'd just bailed?

- Are you surprised?

- I'm really sorry.

I don't mean to put
this on you, it's just,

I either harass you or I
trash my apartment more.

- Well, I don't
wanna invite you in

because I don't want you
to break any of my things.

- I'm really fed up.

- Yeah, I can see that.

- I'm burning.

- Let's see, you don't
strike me as the whiny type.

You're not a total ice
princess either, so,

if I had to guess, I would say

that you would opt for revenge.

- Yeah.

- I have the perfect thing.

- I'm listening.

- How long do you
think it would take

to get to that cabin?

- A few hours.

- Let's go.

- You're crazy.

- I can finish
telling you my story,

you can piss off Kyle,

I won't wear my creepy jumpsuit.

I'm just offering you a ride.

I'm not gonna ask you again.

- Okay,

yeah, let's fucking go.

- Yeah, great.

I'll see you at the
car in like 10 minutes?

- Are you sure about this, I--

- Oh, yeah.

- Okay.

Take the jumpsuit off, please.

- Yeah.


Why do people say that?

- Because it's funny.

- I don't know,
what do they mean,

like don't have a cow,

don't behave like you're
having a cow, what?

- You are a such a ponderer.

- These are important issues.

- Who knows, it's like,

why do people say
don't rub it in?

- I know that one.

My great grandfather
told me that in his day,

people used to say,

you can shit on me,
just don't rub it in.

- Oh, you know, I
don't believe that,

I think that's bullshit.

- Why bullshit?

See, bullshit is
just grass and grain.

- You what what the
worst type of shit is?

It's human vegetarian shit.

See, I used to
have this roommate

and all she would
eat is spinach,

and bran, and wheat grass shots.

I swear to God, it was rankest
thing I've ever smelled.

It's kinda like a mossy
swamp, rotten eggs, garlic--

- Oh, okay, I get it, I
get it, that's enough.

I get it.

- Yeah, now who's hardcore?

So, finish tell me the story.

- Oh, that old thing?

- Yes, now.

- Well, don't have a cow.

- I'm gonna be sick, I can't
eat anymore of this cake, ugh.

- Shit, shit.

Shit, you know, this
isn't funny anymore.

- It stopped being remotely
funny about two hours

and an empty can
of Cheez Whiz ago.

- Okay, something's wrong,
something's happened.

- Okay, well, let's try
to keep it together.

Okay, how can something
happen to five people at once?

- Okay, well, where
are they then, huh?

- Probably screwing,

I don't know.
- We've been through this.

Frank and Ken can go at it all
day and night, but Roy, Jon?

No way, and even if
that miracle did occur,

with who, hm, Jen?

Yeah, pfft, never gonna happen.

- Uh, our Jen?

- Okay, fine, I'll
give you that,

Jen would nail anything on legs.

But it doesn't matter

because they should
have been back by now.

I mean, what, I give it
like three minutes for Jon

and a 30-second out-of-body
experience for Roy.

It's been three hours

since we left the lake.
- Okay, whoa!

Freaking out about it isn't
gonna help anything, okay?

Breathe, let's just
come up with a plan.

- A plan, Pat?

You don't even know
what's going on?

What do you wanna plan for?

- Let's think of other
possible scenarios.

- Oh, sure, like
what, alien abduction?

- No, like other
kinds of accidents.

- Okay, hm?

- Like what if they fell
down an abandoned well?

- Give me a break, five
people fall down a well?

Yeah, maybe they were
eaten by alligators.

Gimme a break, Pat, I mean, God,

even our friends
aren't that stupid.

- Maybe they were
treed by a black bear.

- Oh my God, your plan is
to go up against a bear?

Forget that.

- Maybe they just
ran afoul some locals

and they're all hangin' out.
- Oh my God, hillbillies?

You gotta be kidding me.

- I'm just saying, if
we're gonna go out there

to look for 'em, maybe--
- Whoa say what, go out there?

Oh, no, you shoulda thought
of that when it was light out.

- Amy, wouldn't you want
them to come look for us?

Mm-hm, thought so.

So we're going,
let's go, come on.

I got a flashlight
fo' you, mama.

- Well, at least
we got flashlights.

- Okay, and I will write a note
just in case they come back.

- Oh, yeah, sure, Dear Assholes,

if you're reading
this, fuck you.

- That's nice, that's
really sweet of you.

I'll write that.

Be careful, you good?

- This sucks.


You know, we brought everything
but insect repellent.

- Amy, stop complaining.

- What, I'm
being eaten alive.

- It's called
nature, be one with it.

- Well, you know they're
out there screwing around

and we're stumbling around
here getting Lyme disease.

- Please, really?

- What, I'm just saying.

- Saying, and
saying, and saying.

- What?
- Let's just start at the lake

and we'll work our way back.

This is so cool.

- This really sucks.

I'm itchy everywhere.

- Oh my God, Amy!

- Jesus!

Oh my God, now I have
a fucking headache.

You're so
easy to mess with.

- It's so quiet.

- Yeah.

- Hey, idiots!

- Nothing.

- Pat, I'm kinda really scared.

- Yeah, I'm right
there with you.

- I mean, this isn't right.

What are we gonna do?

- Think we better go get help.

I got somethin' for ya.

- Hey, was that?

- Yeah.

- Assholes.

- Let's just be
glad that they're okay.

- Oh, I'm glad, I'm
gonna mess 'em up real good.

- Well,
that's nice of you.

- What?

You're not pissed?

Look at you.

Look at you

with that stupid
fucking backpack.

- Well, maybe
because I'm the leader

and I'll take care of
things and you won't,

look what you're wearing.

What, a hoity-toity, what,

you going to the
cabaret in the forest?

- Shut up.
- I mean, really.

- At least I
don't look like a mom.

- Why don't we just
go back to the campsite.

- Oh, jerk-off?

We're gonna kick your asses.

- Yeah, and that's
gonna bring 'em running.

- Shit, I don't care,

I'm pissed.
- Shh.

- So busted.

You're so dead!

- Who the fuck is that?

- Jesus, oh
my God, oh my God!

- Hey, gang,
what's for dinner?

- Amy, come on, come on!

- Where are we going?

- Run, run!

I don't know, keep running!

- Where?

- The boat, run towards
the boat, hurry, come on.

We'll get as far away
from shore as we can.

- Oh my God,
Pat, Jenny's dead.

- I know, Amy, focus, the boat.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on--

- Glass
bottom boat, anyone?

- You sick fuck!

- Actually, I
feel fine, how 'bout you?


- Run, Amy, go, run!

- Pat, Pat, Pat,
he's got me!

- Don't stop, Amy.

Oh, my God, Amy, Amy, okay,
okay, Amy, okay, okay,

don't do this right now.

- They are all dead--
- Don't do this right now,

don't do this right now!

- Ow, ow!
- Stop!

Listen to me, you know
what else is gonna happen?

Is we're gonna live right now.

We're gonna live through
this, all right, all right?

This is what we're gonna do.

Okay, I know, I know, I know,

just gotta get keys, okay?

You're gonna get Frank--
- I don't think I can do this.

- You're gonna get Frank
right now, okay, okay, go.

Go, go, go,

you have to be quick,
you have to be quick.

- I can't, I
can't, I don't know

where they are, my God.

- Find them, Amy.

- I can't, I can't.
- Okay, shh, shh, shh!

Get in the car, right now.

- Don't hit me.

- Maybe if you don't
get in the fucking car--

All right, all right, all right,

all right, all right,
all right, all right.

- Oh my God, oh my God!

- Get the fucking
hood up right now!

- It won't go
up, it won't go--

- Pull up the hood!

- Keys, keys, keys, keys, keys!

- Oh, no, oh
my God, oh my God.

Let us go!


- Gimme the
keys, gimme the keys!

- Oh my God.
- What the fuck?

- I think
I found your keys.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Now what, now what?

- You know what I'm gonna do?

You run, okay?

I'm gonna fucking

and you're gonna
run, are you ready?

I'm not kidding, you have
to run your ass off, ready?

Okay, ready?
- What, are you crazy?

- Yes, one, two.

Come on, Amy, come on!

Come on, come on, Amy, hurry.

Come on, push, push.

Amy come on!

Amy come on!

Run, we have to run!

Come on, run, run!

Go, go, go, run!


Get up, Amy, get up, get up!

Fuck you!

Amy, oh, fuck.

- Oh, hammer time.

Bash it, break it down.

- Don't you dare.

- Sure, what?

- Don't you dare
do anything to Pat.

- What are you talking about?

I take no prisoners.

- I'm serious.

- Look, it's just a story.

- I don't care!

That's my sister!

- Okay, I won't.

- You swear?

- Okay, I promise
I won't kill your sister.

So, we're right back
where we started.

Ooh, you're shot.

- Go to hell.

- Language.

You're the last.

Are you gonna go easy, or
are you gonna make this hard?

- Why are you doing this?

- This is real life.

There's no sense in any of this.

It's just the way it is.

Fucked up, huh?

- Please tell me why
you're doing this.

- Jesus, everybody's
always gotta know why.

It's embarrassing,

and you wouldn't believe
me if I told you.

Ow, biting!


No fair.

- Die, you piece of--

- Woo-hoo!

- Thank you, thank you.

- Wow, so it
was you the whole time.

- Yeah.
- Nice.


Wow, this doesn't--

- Doesn't look right.

- Yeah, it's really quiet.

- Maybe they're at
the lake, hiking.

- Oh, my friends?

No, no, see, they're permanently
tethered to a beer cooler.

They're like good for
20 feet off shore, max.

They don't really swim either,
they kinda flop around.

- What was that?

- I don't know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

- Look, this doesn't feel right.

I think we should drive
back down the road

until we get a phone signal,
call someone for some help.

- No, no, those are
my friends in there

and what if something
bad has happened to them?

- Linda, I'm many
things, but I'm no hero.

- God.

- No, no, no, no.

I'm gonna go investigate.

- Yeah, let's go.

- No, I'm gonna go investigate

under the condition
that you wait here

and you do not follow
until I tell you it's safe.

- Oh no, you do not
leave me in this car.

- Look, Your Highness,

you're gonna do what
I tell you to do

or I'm gonna drive us both
out of here right now.

- Okay, okay.

- What?

You're a loony.

- Be careful.

- Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck this.








I swear to God, Aaron,
if you don't answer me...

- Run!


- What the?



Told you I wouldn't
kill your sister.

Linda, I have to say,

I'm very disappointed in you.

I had you pegged as a fighter.

Maybe it's better
that you folded early.

'Cause I'm exhausted.

Getting you out here
was a real chore.

Constant nagging.

Day in and day out.

Like fingernails
on a chalkboard.

Wanna see something cool?

This is my passion.

It's sort of a spin-art
scrapbook of my greatest hits.

Here's Jon,


Frank, and Ken.

Here's Jen, Roy,

oh, look,

here's a little of
your handy work.

It's your sister, Pat.

- Fuck you!

- You know, I do like you,

as much as I can like anyone.

I know I'm a nut.

There's really nothing
I can do about it

short of the death penalty.


You know, if this had
been in one of my stories,

you'd be laughing
out loud, right?

Someone getting cut with a
knife full of buttercream?

- Hey.

- Oh my God.

Oh my God.
- You all right?

- Yeah.

Thought I was dead.

Get those untied.

- Hey, it's okay.

Nobody kills my girl,
all right?

- I think this makes up for
everything you've ever done.

- I think you broke my jaw.

- Let's double check.

Enjoy your birthday cake,
Dumbfuck, it's your last.

- Fuck you!


Is he?

- Yeah, I believe so.

I'm sorry for everything.

I love you, you
know that, right?

- I love you too,
I love you so much.

- Things are gonna be different.

- Oh, no, let's not talk
about that right now, okay?

Let's just get the
fuck out of here.

- Yeah.

- What the?

Oh my God.

Oh my God, Kyle,
what's happening?

Oh my God, Kyle?

Kyle, what's happening?

Oh my God!

- You know,

you were really the
only one I ever wanted.

But when you were a
no-show, I had to improvise.

And I live happily, ever...



the neighbors are so quiet.

Hope they're okay.


Is it all right if I
keep this, as a memento?


You know,

I almost feel sorry
for you, dude.

You're not gonna be around
to enjoy the peace and quiet.

Dad would be so proud.

- You!

It's always you.


It's always you.

It's always you.

It's always gonna be you.

- This really hurts.

I hope that doesn't stain.

- Look
at the mess you made!

The mess you made!

More work for Mommy!

More work for Mommy!

- Mother!

♪ He puts the saw
right in his head ♪

♪ If he starts to pull,
it tears the skin ♪

♪ Now he's cuttin' through
the brain and bone ♪

♪ And the body starts
separating more ♪

♪ And the brain is
slimy and slippin' out ♪

♪ And the blood is
squirtin' all about ♪

♪ Because ooh, baby

♪ He's a maniac,
maniac, maniac, maniac ♪

♪ He's a maniac,
maniac, maniac, maniac ♪

♪ And he's killin'

♪ Like he's never
killed before ♪

♪ And he's killin'

♪ Like he's never
killed before ♪

♪ Well he's tellin' her a story
♪ how he's killin' her friends

♪ And her stomach turns
even though it's pretend ♪

♪ You got Jon, Frank,
Roy, Amy, Pat, ♪

♪ And boom, can't
forget Jenny and Ken ♪

♪ She asks can he be so sick

♪ And he tells her a story
of his childhood flick ♪

♪ She listens but doesn't
really take a care ♪

♪ And he goes back to
killin' everywhere ♪

♪ Because ooh, baby

♪ He's a maniac,
maniac, maniac, maniac ♪

♪ He's a maniac,
maniac, maniac, maniac ♪

♪ And he's killin'

♪ Like he's never
killed before ♪

♪ And he's killin' like
he's never killed before ♪

♪ Well he's telling her how
he's gonna crush their skulls ♪

♪ And bash their brains

♪ And he throws 'em
in a bleepin' hole ♪

♪ Then feeds them
to a crocodile ♪

♪ When he's finished with
this beautiful work ♪

♪ He's gonna run out
into the sun because ♪

♪ Ooh, baby

♪ He's a maniac,
maniac, maniac, maniac ♪

♪ Yes, a maniac,
maniac, maniac, maniac ♪

♪ And he's killin'

♪ Like he's never
killed before ♪

♪ And he's killin'

♪ Like he's never
killed before ♪

♪ Now the story ain't
over, it's just begun ♪

♪ And here's where it
gets real, real fun ♪

♪ Now that all her
friends are dead ♪

♪ She's the only one left
without losin' a head ♪

♪ She's gone so far and
she's had her doubts ♪

♪ And now she's gonna see
what he's all about 'cause ♪

♪ Ooh, little sad

♪ He's a maniac,
maniac, maniac, maniac ♪

♪ He's a maniac,
maniac, maniac, maniac ♪

♪ And he's killin'

♪ Like he's never
killed before ♪

♪ And he's killin'

♪ Like he's never
killed before ♪