Red Dog (2018) - full transcript

I remember
Nasty Cathy and Russell

were out at the farm,

I'm probably 12, 13 years old,

Russell's
a little bit older than me,

and every once in a while,
they'd give us a drink, right?

Give us one little drink,
you know?

Everything's
fucking gross when you're a kid.

Beer is nasty.

Whiskey is disgusting.

But Cathy gave me
a little Solo Cup

of a White Russian,
which is what she drank.



She called them her milkshake.

And it was
the first alcohol drink

that, you know, you can
actually stomach as a kid.

It's like, "I don't mind
drinking this," you know?

So Russell and I were drinking
White Russians in my room

while our parents were out
playing cards or whatever.

And he said,

"Yeah, back when our moms
worked at the Red Dog."

I was like, "Yeah, but my mom,
she was just a bartender."

And he's like, "No, man.
Our moms were dancers."

And I don't know if...

I didn't really believe him
for a second

and eventually I asked my mom,

"Did you dance at the Red Dog?"



And she eventually
came clean and said, you know,

"Yeah, I did that."

Of course,
now she spills it all.

# Baby, take me Oklahome #

# Take me home,
take me home again #

# Baby, take me Oklahome #

# Out of the road again #

# So if you wanna reach me #

# Come and take it real easy #

# Baby, take me Oklahome #

# Take me home,
take me home again #

By the time I really started

having memories as a kid,

my mom was working
at the Red Dog.

The place was just full
of lights,

full of neon lights,
full of video game lights,

and was almost magical to me.

It was almost a treat
to get to go.

I think I even remember
at one point

there was a projector,

and they were projecting
cartoons onto the wall for me.

Now here I am
showing cartoons to my own kids.

I love being a dad and I love
getting to write songs

and perform for a living.

Special thanks
to Luke Dick.

Thank you, Luke.
Love you, buddy.

I count it
as a small miracle.

I was able to get
a good education

and now my daughter's
headed off to college.

Emily's graduation.

I'm sitting here
as a dad trying to figure out

how to parent and wondering,

you know, how the fuck my mom

took me from the Red Dog
to where I am now.

This must have been
five or ten years ago,

I was back in Oklahoma, I was
living in New York at the time.

I pointed a camera at my mom

and just started asking her

things like what was
the weirdest thing

that ever happened
at the Red Dog.

And so she starts giving me
all these stories,

and I remember
from the first time...

I was just, like,

nothing remotely
as fucking crazy as that

has ever happened
to me in my entire life.

And if this
is the tip of the iceberg

for her lifestyle
when she was 20,

I have to go back
and hear more of these stories.

How much has your mom
told you really?

I don't know.

I don't know
why you're doing this,

but it's not
because you love me.

She got madder and madder
as this project went on.

I don't know
what the fuck I'm doing.

My mom grew up
in this little farming community

in Colorado,

never really liked her home life

and wound up
getting married at 15.

And I never really knew
anything about it,

except she married
some dude named Greg.

I remember
my best friend at the time

going, "Oh, we need to go down
and buy you a sexy nightgown."

JCPenney's was the only goddamn
store in town and I didn't...

Back then, they didn't have
no sexy nightgowns.

And I just was thinking,
"For what?"

So mom's,
like, 15 and a newlywed,

and they decide to hop
in my granddad's old milk truck

and go to Oklahoma City
to take a construction job.

See those tall buildings?

Well, there's a favorite slogan
describing Oklahoma City

that says, "From teepees
to towers" in a few short years.

I remember
this one party that we went to,

and then I was going,
"All right," you know.

It was like, okay, it's a party.

It's, you know,
like, being normal.

I thought
we were gonna have, like,

chips and dip
and shit like this.

And we go over there

and they say, you know,
"You want some tea?"

You know, I thought,

"Oh, they drink what, sweet tea

or, you know, what do we have,

an iced tea or something here?"

Well, it was fucking THC.

I didn't... I thought there
were, like, gonna be tea bags

in the kitchen
or something like that.

Take a big old scoop of it,
fucking snorted it

and it just like...

I was just like...

Pfft.

And Bob goes, "Okay,
we're gonna put on movies."

And it's like, "Where's
the fucking popcorn?"

And, you know, that's
how young I was, you know.

Well, it's fucking movies of...

Sex movies, like a bang, bang,
you know?

And I'm just going like...

"Yeah, of course, now I'm high."

And I'm going,
"What the shit?" you know.

And it's like Pete's man
walks up to the door

and he starts whatever.

And then I noticed
the bathroom door come up

and I could see this light

and I turned around,
and here came Bob,

which was the old man
who lived in the apartment,

who was having the party,
come walking out naked.

I'm telling you, this guy was
fucking 60 and skinny and saggy

and came over there and sat down
beside me and said,

"You're...
Are you enjoying the show,

'cause you're gonna be
my partner for the night."

And I'm like,

"I don't care
how fucked up I get,

this ain't part of me."

And I just got up
and I told Greg,

"I wanna leave now."

And he's already
all over somebody.

So I just went out
in the milk truck

and fell asleep

and let them have
their little party of sex.

I just didn't know
what the fuck that was.

There's always
something going on

in Oklahoma City,

something new and constructive

adding to the pleasure
of folks who live here.

All I remember
is that I went in there,

and there was three
or four girls,

and they're dancing and shit

and now you need to get
in the dance contest above all.

And I still had baby fat on me
at the time.

I mean, I was 14, 15 years old,
so I was...

I felt I was pudgy,
but I could dance.

I knew I could dance.

So I went and invested three
dollars in a pair of pasties

and the next week I went
up there and...

Like old music,

like the Isley Brothers

and shit like that
was on the jukebox,

which was right up my alley.

You know, that's...
that was all sex music to me,

and I could act
like I was doing sex.

I really didn't know
how to do sex, but I...

I sure acted like I could.

So I went... I ended up going out
there, I won the dance contest.

They asked me if I wanted a job.

I didn't even have a fucking ID,
you know, hell yeah.

His job was over, and he wasn't
finding anything, you know.

I went down and got, you know.
I just told him, "I'm divorcing you."

And he said, "I'll send you home
to your mom's,

you're not even old enough
to live on your own.

"I've been supporting you,
motherfucker.

And I've got to, you know..."

I mean, we actually
had stub... paycheck stubs.

"You know, where's your
paycheck stub, son of a bitch?

No, you're living
up my ass, you know."

So, yeah, fuck you.

Fuck you.

So was the Red Dog
a pretty popular place?

Oh, yeah.

Real popular.

Hell, I've been up
all over the world.

Hell, the Red Dog,
pretty much a landmark.

Nationwide.

Anybody came to Oklahoma City,
they came to Red Dog.

It started out
an automotive alignment shop,

and that's where they came up
with the sunken bar,

because that's where the cars
used to drive out over the pit.

They just built
a little stem wall

and built the bar in the pit.

Have you ever seen Silkwood?

You see that part
in the movie where they go?

Curtis is out working late, huh?

Out partying at Red Dog.

Come on, Wesley.

We had a big old boom
in the early '80s.

Oklahoma City
number one was a gusher.

When he had the oil workers
coming to town,

they were coming to town
to have a good time.

And sometimes
they got a little crazy,

and we had to go in
and try to control some of it.

And we would go into the Red Dog
at least once a night probably.

I mean, they... they
had drown night in there

on Wednesday night, and you
pay three dollars at the door

and just could get hammered
until you couldn't even walk.

When you're 14 or 15
playing the Red Dog,

that will gotta get you going,
man.

I like the show business thing.

You know.

My dad used to drive me there.

He'd come in
and hang out way too long,

you know, primping my style.

I better come in
and check things out.

Yeah, I better come in
and make sure

everything
is all right here, son.

Yeah, my old dad, God bless him.

The dancing girls were called
Go-go girls at the time.

I think they got started
mostly out in California,

in maybe San Francisco.

Go-go girls got real popular
and they were easy to find.

The farm girls come
to the big city

here in Oklahoma City

imagining
they're gonna get rich.

Anyone that grew up in Oklahoma,
if they hear my last name,

they immediately jump to,

"Oh, Ray Mackey,
you know, Red Dog,"

you know, and... and...

You know, I've never been able
to be a stranger

anywhere in Oklahoma
to people that grew up here.

They feel like they know me.

They feel
like they know my father.

Every single one of them
has a crazy story,

of stuff that happened here.

Ray Mackey, he was always in

for short legs,
blonde hair and big tits.

It's a wonder they got
any other girls in there

because that's all
he ever wanted,

was blond hair,
big tits, and short legs.

Remember when he used to
have the pictures of everybody?

He'd have some dancers
go out to the lake

and be on a boat topless
and then he chose slides.

Yes, he'd play him
at the Red Dog going all night

of the people
he had out on his boat.

I could imagine this thing

going around and around
in circles

with, like, these little things
with girls with tits,

girls with tits,
girls with tits.

That's all they were...

and bikini bottoms,
girls with tits,

girls with tits,
Ray's girls with tits.

Anything went,
you know, bare bones, man.

That place was sin.

God bless it.

Back then, driver's license
didn't even have

pictures on them in Oklahoma.

Ten bucks,
you could fucking buy an ID.

You know, it made me
old enough to work there.

You had to be 18
at the time, you know.

And I thought
you can either fuck around

and get really fucked up
and not give a shit

or you could make some money.

I am helping take care
of my four younger brothers

and sisters plus two cousins.

My mom and dad are both working
their tails off,

but I don't see it that way.

I see it as I'm having to do
this stuff,

I'm not being able to be a kid.

Well, I'll just show them,
I'll go be an adult.

I left, I ran away.

And that was my first
introduction to the Red Dog.

They said,
"You ought to get a job here."

And I did dance that time,

but I was really scared
and nervous.

I mean, this is a huge place.

How many square foot
would you say the Red Dog is?

8,000? 10,000 square foot?

Two bars, bikers everywhere.

- And how old are you?
- I'm 14 years old.

It was a little scary.

Our operation
on the south side

got shut down by the police.

I needed a job, you know,
bouncer bartender

and there I found
the Red Dog Saloon.

I asked him
if he needed a bouncer,

and he said,
"No, we got a bouncer."

So I walked over to him
and said,

"Hey, man, you are
the bouncer here?"

And he said, "Yeah."

And about that time,
I dropped him, pow.

I turned and hollered,

"Hey, man,
you guys need a bouncer.

This dude's laying down
on the job."

And that's how I got
most of my bouncing jobs.

I would go
knock their bouncer out

and take his fucking job.

I needed a job.

I was out of a job.

I wouldn't dance.

I was too bashful
and I wouldn't dance,

but I worked the bar.

The lady that worked with me,
she worked topless.

I wouldn't work topless,
I was too embarrassed.

I had real long hair
and these big glasses, you know.

And when I wear my hair
in a ponytail,

the guys would say,
"Wonder Woman, get me a beer."

I knew the guy
that managed the place.

His name was Ron Hollis.

We were into cars.

So it was easy to go up there

and sit and talk
with an old buddy

and look at the pretty girls
dancing and...

And he goes,
"Well, I need a bartender."

I thought, what the heck,
I'm not doing anything else,

so I'll give it a shot.

I was already drinking a lot.

Started testing out other drugs
and other things and...

and it was a party atmosphere.

Our drug intake increased.

We were looking for ways
to make money,

and they were asking me
why I didn't dance,

and I said, "Oh I can't dance."

And they got me really drunk
and threw me up on stage.

As long as I was drunk,
it was fun.

So did you enjoy
working there?

Yeah, I had a blast, man.

What was it like?

Fast.

Everything all the time.

Literally.

Everything all the time.

And there's a little business
that opened up

with the brothers
called Hermatic Workshop.

Unusual Things
For The Head and Shed.

We custom catered
to unusual things.

And your mom and Tigger
both wanted tattoos.

You know, coming back then,
it was illegal to tattoo.

So...

Do you know
how he got his name?

No. No, I just knew him as Tiny.

That's all I knew.

He goes, "What do you want?"

And I said,
"I want a butterfly."

I thought... I don't...

I don't know, probably
at that time in my life,

I thought that was freedom
or some happy-ass bullshit.

You take your pencil,
and you take your single needle,

and you take you some thread,

and you latch the needle
to the pencil with the thread.

I'm just gonna
put this out there,

that it was like
a fucking a prison tattoo.

You take your ink
and you dip that needle in it,

you come over to tattoo
and you just...

Like this, one prick at a time.

By hand.

I went over that night,
and it took him forever.

Until the whole tattoo is done.

And it hurt but...

She held still real good.

If she would have...
like this all over the place,

it would have took longer,
but she's a little toughie, man.

I was so fucked up on downers,
I'm sure downers and booze.

She hung right in there
and didn't make no complaints

or scream or whine or...

Then, "Okay, you'll have
to come back tomorrow

to get the color put in it,"
you know.

Like, oh, yay,
this is gonna even take longer.

But I did, I went back,
had the color put in it.

We thought it was fucking great,
you know, but, you know,

over the years
as I looked at it, I went,

"Oh, geez,
what the fuck was I doing?"

Do not put tattoos on place
that when you gain weight...

that it's gonna get fat,
because that butterfly

has went like this
over the years.

I mean, it's... it's fucked up.

I remember
the first time Danny saw it.

He thought that I had a
horrendous birthmark down there.

But I mean, it got done
and I... I don't know.

Who gave a shit, you know?
Back then, who gave a shit.

That was my tattoo.

So tell me
about your name.

- About how I got my name?
- Uh-huh.

Okay.

Uh, Angels Camp
out in California,

when our club was adopted

by another club
that was bigger than ours

and we was in the lake
swimming naked

and I come out.

And my naked gets
dribbled up inside my...

from the cold water.

And I got the name Tiny Peter.

Well, that went for
about as long as I cared for it

to go about, and every time
somebody said it, I'll...

I'll go for Tiny,
but leave the Tiny Peter off.

It may be tiny, but I got
a 250-pound-pile

driving ass behind it.

Just look how many name...
these little girls

got my name
tattooed on their ass.

Those were the big, big nights.

Moneymakers for any club
were the contest nights,

because the guys
would get to come in

and they could see
a whole variety

of new meat on stage.

We had the dance contest
once a week,

and either Jeanne or Kim
always won.

I mean, it was always
one or the other.

"Come on, Janet, come on,
you know, dance, dance."

And would go, "I don't know."

I'll go, "Well, I'll try."

So I got there and I put
my outfit on and everything

and I'd start drinking.

I had to get loose
before I could get up there.

And so I got too loose

because when I got up there,
I fell flat on my face.

Connie, Kim and Tigger
were the judges

for the first male stripper
contest on ladies night.

- How did you do?
- I took second place

'cause I didn't take
my underwear off.

Little winches.

I also pissed off
all four of them.

And they're giggling, laughing,

thought they were
just so fucking cute.

And then, motherfucker.

And the dude before me

really couldn't dance that well,
you know.

I mean,
he wouldn't do hand frame,

he wouldn't do handstands,

and he couldn't do splits,
you know.

But he took his underwear off.

After that, I started
taking my underwear off

and I never lost one
for all them years.

And it was
like a hundred dollars.

Well, back then, that was what,
like a thousand dollars now.

A hundred dollars a pop or more.
Not counting on...

I got made more money in tips
than winning the prizes.

So then we went back again,
and I didn't drink as much then

and I danced completely then
and I got a lot of tips.

It was lot of fun.

I was like,
"Hey, I could handle this."

To me, it's
about business at this point.

So dance contests, a business.

Going to the base, a business.
It was all business to me.

They had one in Tulsa that paid
like a thousand dollars.

So we took off to Tulsa.

Well, we got up there
and still...

I mean, I was still very young,

and pasties and bottoms
were still what they were.

You know,
you like to get there early

and kind of check out
the competition

and see what's going on.

There was a girl that got up
on that stage up there,

and it was like fast country
and Western music.

And she had cowboy boots on,
white cowboy hat, tassels,

and she had long blonde hair
and she had big boobs.

She had it going on.

But I'm thinking,
"Goddamn, really?

Fucking cowboy up there."

And then as music comes on
and everything.

Then she starts,
like, lifting her hands,

and her feet would go
back and forth,

back and forth, back and forth,

and those tassels would do

anything
that you could possibly want.

They could go
straight up and down,

they could go from side to side.

It was...

fucking amazing watching her.

I was like looking at her

like she was some kind
of goddamn genius.

I mean, really,
for all intensive purposes,

she should have won.

She was the better.

She was the better.

I just thought
it was really cool.

I thought it was cool.

I won the dance contest.

You have to realize that I'd
never been to Tulsa before.

I was younger than she was
and, plus, I was nasty.

You still had to wear bottoms.

But if you got close enough
to somebody

and you could grab
the inner thigh of your...

and you can show them
some actual skin

or something like that,

what is going to keep you from
doing that if you're not shy?

Actually, when people kind
of saw what I was doing,

they started bitching.

And the girls...

The customers, hell, no,
they ain't gonna bitch.

They like it, and I made...
I was, like, grabbing money.

And I mean, I got my earnings
and got the hell out of there,

and we almost got
the shit beat out of us,

but I took my money and I left.

And I didn't go
back up there again.

It's business.

That's what you call business.

Your mom in the day had really...

She had long legs,

she was shapely
and she had that...

that bubbly personality
that would...

transcended in her dancing.

She was giggly and bubbly
and effervescent

and game was a banty rooster
for just about anything.

No fear, you know.

If she couldn't handle it, she
knew plenty of big motherfuckers

that all she had to do was
holler, and they would help her.

She really
would bounce on the stage.

The stage
would bounce up and down.

It's supported by chains,

and you could see the
stage was moving

because she was bouncing
all over that stage.

I mean, there's an art to it.
You couldn't...

I mean, there were girls
that would get up there

in the middle of the stage

and just stay
in the middle of the stage

and do some kind of like
little roundy round or whatever.

But I used that whole stage,
you know.

Fuck, you got all those...
That's money.

Back then, you have to remember

you were hustling
for quarters for the jukebox.

That's what it took.
Those jukeboxes took a quarter.

And so you'd walk around
with your little paper cup

in between your dance numbers
and stuff like that,

"Quarter for the jukebox,
quarter for the jukebox."

- Yeah.
- Some of them requested

the same song over
and over and over and over.

And I would get so tired of it.

They'd get paid
on a Friday night

and they'd wanna hear

fucking old goddamn country
and Western music, you know.

# Why do you roll smoke? #

And all that bullshit.

They liked all that
'cause they're a bunch

of fucking hee-haws
that come in.

That's when you could
fucking make your money.

What about
my favorite one you did?

- "Squeeze Box."
- "Squeeze Box."

Mama's got a squeeze box.
She turned me on when she danced to that.

Every time I hear that song,
all I can see is...

All the local bands
used to play at the Red Dog.

That was a steady account
on Friday and Saturday night.

We'd pay, like,
four hundred dollars a night.

That's 800 bucks, you know.

Paying everyone was easy.

Gotta love Otis.

He was so talented.

He was so good.

Friendly and nice.

He was the best guitar player
at the time that we'd ever seen.

This thing
doesn't play worth a shit.

I can remember music
from the time

I was three or four years old
being played in the house.

I remember
a record player on the floor,

you couldn't step too hard
or it'd skip around, you know.

And when they were gone
or they'd leave,

I would gently get records out

and put them out
and play in the records

that my parents
listened to all the time.

Music is a part of human beings,
of being human,

and my parents revered that.

I know, by the way,

they spent money
only on records essentially.

And they didn't say it, right?

But in retrospect, there it is,

The carpet was 50 years old,

but the record player
was brand-new.

She said, "Do you
still remember those moves?"

And I said shit, yeah,
every time that song comes on,

the whole routine goes through
my head, I can't turn it off.

I see every move
I'm supposed to be making

when I'm supposed to do it.

Forty years later.

I got this grand idea.

You wanna hear? My God,
it's called the Grand Idea.

I wanna make sure that you
write, "The Grand Idea".

'Cause it's... it was so stupid.

It was.

I was single,
I was free, but I was 17.

But I move into this two-bedroom
garage apartment

with three guys living there.

They just thought that was
the best fucking thing ever

is living with some girl that
works at the fucking Red Dog,

and they were
all college students.

And I could run
shit off of them.

"What do you think about this?
What do you think about that?

What do you think
if a dancer does this?

What do you think
about if a dancer does that?

One of them told me one time,
"I saw a girl that shaved."

And I'm thinking,
"Don't they all shave?"

You know, and he goes,
"No, she shaved her pussy, Kim."

And I went, "Really?"
And he said, "Yeah,"

He goes, "God, it looked great."

You know,
and I got to thinking about it

and I thought, "Oh God,
I just got hair."

You know, at 17 I thought,

"I finally got a full hair."

So I got to thinking
about it and I thought,

"I bet that could be
a money catcher,"

because bottoms
had just come off.

And I thought,
"What a money-making machine."

What do you mean
the bottoms came off?

1976 to 1986,
when total nudity was legal.

Pasties and bottoms
came off at the same time.

How ridiculous is that?

A lot of the girls
just could not hardly do it.

I'm like,
"Fucking, I'm into all this."

And the guys would call bugger.
They called it bugger.

What a terrible thing to say,
but that's what it was.

They wanna see some bugger.

And I thought...

Quit laughing.

I know you're laughing
back there, fucking jackass.

So I go to the bathroom
the next morning

and I'm shaving my legs,
getting ready for work

and I decide,
"Okay, I'm going for it."

And I shave it.

And then I look at myself
in the mirror and I realized,

"My God, what the fuck
have I just done?"

Because then
I looked like a 12-year-old.

That's all I could just look...

I looked at my twat
and I thought,

"It looks like I'm 12 years old.

So I get to thinking
and I got fuck this shit,

I get in the car and I run to,

I don't know, somewhere.

And I thought,
what the hell can I do?

And I thought sequins.

I can make a sequin thing.

I probably bought twenty dollars

worth of different
colored sequins

and painstaking took superglue
and made like a strip

just so I felt
like I had something on.

It was really funny
'cause I super glued them on,

and some of them stuck
and some of them fell off

as the day ran on,
and so it probably looked

like a tic-tac-toe board
or some bullshit, I don't know.

By that time,
I was probably fucked up.

And I "veejazzled" myself
before they...

before "veejazzling"
or vajazzling

or whatever was in,
I fucking did it.

I fucking did it.

You know, why did it
have to be so demeaning?

It's like any other job...
You know, maybe it isn't.

I don't know. I don't know.

You know, I don't know.

You know, to me,
at the time it was.

It was nothing to be ashamed of.

It was nothing
to be sorry about.

I really enjoyed dancing.

I didn't care
if my clothes were on and off.

I just think...
I'm still kind of I don't care.

If you don't like what
you're looking at, walk away.

- Yeah.
- But I want respect.

The one thing that I think of
is my grandmother,

who worked secretly
under the table

without her husband knowing it

selling handkerchiefs

and whatever she could do,

and would tell the two kids,

"Don't tell your dad,

or I'm not gonna give you
any of this money."

I can remember her putting
a pair of culotte pants on

and dancing around
a little bit of it

when my grandfather
wasn't home and going,

"Oh, Kimberly, don't tell him."

My grandmother was a very,
very proud, proud woman.

You know, I don't know
that I'm really a feminist.

Why did you shy away from
that term? I'm just curious.

I don't know.
'Cause I think that I...

I'm not really sure what...

even really
what that means or if it...

all it encompasses,

you know,
that you have to believe

in everything
that they believe, you know.

I just... I'm who I am.

I'm who I am.
I have my own beliefs.

I have trouble enough
taking care of my own self,

I don't need to save the world.

It was drinking
and drugging and partying.

You know,
it couldn't have been 24/7,

but looking back,
it seems like it was 24/7.

Sex, drugs, rock and roll.

I mean,
that's just the way it was.

We'd get so many drugs as tips

that it got to be ridiculous.

It's like, "No,
I don't want any more drugs."

I love Quaaludes.

Oh, God, I love Quaaludes.
I love Peyote.

I love tripping.
I never had a bad trip.

Well, don't get me wrong,
I tried everything.

I really did. I mean, you know,
you partied back then, you know.

It was a whole lot
of fun when I was doing it.

There was a whole lot
of power in dancing.

But I can't imagine
doing it sober.

I don't know
if this is corny or not,

but we used to play the game
as who's the first one to die.

Well, every time
it was Kim's gone.

It was always me first.

I would try anything.
I would try anything.

Why I ever did that,
I don't know.

But, you know, I don't know
that you stir up

heroin and speed in the same...

And then, okay, well,
put some little THC in it

and let's see
what that does to her.

You know, I mean,
for our all intensive purposes,

you know, probably...

I've got to pee, sorry.

My parents never drank
or did drugs at all.

So, while they were kind
of in that lifestyle,

they weren't... you know,

they weren't, like,
party animals or anything.

They...

You know, they enjoy
fun things like everyone else,

you know, going to the lake
or having nice things.

They had some...
some wild parties at the house.

You know, of course,
I was never there.

You know, we would go
to stay with our grandparents.

The Halloween parties
were always a big one.

And I would hear stories

about these Halloween parties
for years.

I still hear stories
about these Halloween parties

that were going on.

Well, I did a couple of those.

Only one that really got
maybe a little out of hand but...

I'm not ashamed of it,
but, you know,

a lot of people talk
about them being pretty wild.

Big, crazy, naked wild parties
at the house,

you know,
in the pool, in the hot tub.

Most of the all
the girls would love to go.

I mean, they'd go,
"Oh, yeah, pool party at Ray's?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah."

Because, you know, he was...
he was paying them

and they were meeting guys
with money.

And...

That's all... that was all
it was about, really.

We would go out.
After the Red Dog closed down,

we would go to Sherlock's
and we would dance there.

And it was like there was
this competition

between Kim and I
dancing at Sherlock's.

They were basically
competitors with each other.

They both thought they were
the queen of the Red Dog.

A lot of the girls
wouldn't be talkative.

They would,
"Do you need another drink?

Do you need a beer?"

Then they'd go on
to the next table.

But your mom would carry on
a conversation with them.

What I can remember
is I had an old army shirt

that I'd cut sleeves off on
and wearing a lot,

and that's what I remember
her comment on.

I can't... I can't remember
the comments,

but I remember that's
what started the conversation.

He always wore the army thing
that said "Dick" on it

and I thought
it was kind of funny.

She wasn't the shyest.

She probably may have said,
but she wasn't shy.

I didn't know whether it meant
big dick or a little dick

or what kind of dick he was
or I... I don't know.

We got... we'd go out
and smoke a joint

and drive around or something
like that around Overholser.

And we really became
best buddies, you know,

and then we became lovers.

We just moved in together.

It was so quick, so fast, so...

I don't know
what the fuck I was doing.

I was young,
I was stupid and I was young.

I look back on it now
and I think

it was all fucked up
from the beginning.

He was fucked up.

I was fucked up.

Yeah, so we all...
We used to get...

We were using buddies.

We got to an extreme

at the very end
of the relationship

just trying to hang on, I think.

He was a goddamn womanizer.

He fucked all my best friends.

He... he just fucked anybody.

She started
staying at home a lot more

because she was pregnant
and, you know,

and I'd missed not
having her on the road with me.

And so I'd smoke an extra joint
or drink an extra six pack

or whatever, you know,
and then that'd escalate.

And they would feel bad for me
and they'd come and say,

"I'm really sorry,
but I fucked Charlie."

Uh, this is easy to tell you
sitting here now 37 years later,

you know, but it was just
trying to live, man, you know.

But one thing it went south
for me, they went south.

We had you,
and a couple of weeks later,

I got a phone call
and said that,

"I'm in love with somebody else

and I'm not
gonna be home anymore."

My first memories
of my biological dad,

he was living in Texas
and he would come and get me

and take me to Texas
for the weekend.

I would put you on the back
of my motorcycle

in a little pouch, you know.

And you'd huddle down
and hang on, you loved it.

And we'd come down highway 74
on that Suzuki that I traded for

and let's go visit your grandma.

And then I go back at the end
of the day and pick you up,

high or not, and take you back
the same way, you know.

I didn't think
about high being a risk.

It's part of my life.

To have somebody who's not
in your life on... on the daily,

then be such an authoritarian
on the weekends

that they came to get you...

Um, it was strange to me
and I felt like I never...

I didn't really know him.
It was...

I felt like
it was this, you know,

kind of a dude picking me up.

It was very sad at the time,

but, you know,
and fucking life goes on.

And there's the story of that.

I've been a parent now
for 17 years

and when I found out

that I was gonna
have a kid, um...

I remember...

I know exactly
where I was at the time.

It was almost like vertigo
or something, you know,

just your life starts switching
around and you start reinventing

how your life was gonna go

and what it is to be a parent

and what it is to change
a diaper and milk and food

and money and knowing that a kid
is coming and not knowing

how to handle it, not knowing
what you're gonna do.

And once Emily was there,

she was there and it was...

She was such a perfect baby
and...

And you just
figure it out, you know.

That's okay.

Just... just start squeezing
a bunch of them off.

I stopped work
once I was really showing.

I was probably five months

before I actually
started showing good.

He was born
three months premature.

And I'm sure it's
because of all the partying,

drugs, alcohol, etcetera,
that I did.

He slept at first in a boot box,
because he was so small.

Seriously, in a boot box.
That was his bed.

Eventually I got a bassinet,

but the rats were so bad
in that apartment.

They were so bad.

I... I got the gun out...
And just to see him breathe.

If you had the same problems
with Josh, you know,

you watch him and watch
that chest fall up and down.

We were using Dilaudid
and heroin

and all this stuff
that I couldn't kick.

Got pregnant during this time,
didn't care,

did all that
through the whole pregnancy,

had my son,

and he came out okay.

Coming from a place in my life
where I didn't want any kids,

and I thought
that I didn't want any kids

because I didn't wanna
fuck them up.

I didn't want them
to be fucked up like me.

And can I actually have children
that are not fucked up like me?

You made this small little thing

and they managed to survive
everything you did to them.

Every bad thing you threw
at them,

they still survived.

And it was just...
it was awesome to watch him.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- And I'm crying.

I literally starved
myself for, like, five months

and fucking went
right back up there.

I had to do something.

My first actual memory of...
of the Red Dog inside of it,

I was... I was really little.

Um, my mom took me up there

and she took me in
and took me upstairs,

I'm staying around all these
girls that were mostly naked.

I didn't know
what to think of it

and I didn't really care
too much

because I was a little kid.

She had to dance a couple
of times and I stayed backstage

and the girls took care of me.

And I started being
a little hand back there

and they were all loving me
and giving me treats.

So that's, you know, that was...

that's my earliest memory
of the Red Dog.

I mean, our home life
was pretty normal, really.

I mean, we were fairly well off
at the time and, you know,

I feel like I always had
everything that I wanted.

But I mean, really our home life

was completely separated
from anything up here.

I don't know if I even knew it
as the Red Dog.

We were just going...
going to mom's work.

But I pretty much knew
everybody there,

so it was a comfortable place
and really felt like it was

a little bit of a playhouse
or something

because I was granted

all the quarters
that I wanted to,

to just go pump back
into machines

and play Pac-Man
as long as I wanted to.

If I would come in
with my dad, they'd come over

and squeeze
my cheeks and stuff and say,

"Oh, he's so cute,"
and all that, but I mean,

you know, I didn't...

I wasn't interested at all
and, you know,

I certainly didn't want them
squeezing my cheeks or anything.

I just try to get away from them
and go play some video games.

You know, when the first
Pac-Man machine came out,

I'd be over there on a bar stool
at the Pac-Man machine.

Give me a roll of quarters
and I'd play Pac-Man

until he was ready to go.

Later on, I thought
that was kind of a...

kind of a fucked up situation
to bring your kids into and...

and show them around
and introduce them to, but...

I mean, everybody
gets raised differently

and some people still turn out
all right, some people don't,

so you can't really blame
your parents too much, right?

And also I grew up going
to church every Sunday too,

and we knew to not bring it up
in church or anything.

You know, my family,

we never really saw
anything wrong with any of it.

I mean, you know, I figure God...
God made you that way,

could there be anything
wrong with it, you know?

Just because you do what you do,
doesn't make you a non-believer.

I mean, they'd be putting
their makeup on in the bathroom,

and every once in a while,
you'd hear a shout out

of hallelujah
every once in a while,

"Hallelujah, I hope
this is a good day, baby."

You know, Jesus,
help me make some money today.

So, what are you here for?

I was there to work.

Did I have a lot
of friends out there?

Yes. Did I...

You know,
the friends were great.

But it was fucking money.

It was money, you know.

I continued
with the Red Dog

because the money
was too darn good.

You're in the oil boom,

and it was nothing to have
a thousand dollars a night.

My husband pretty much
sold drugs back then.

That was his job.

I was dancing.

His job went to supply us
with drugs and recreation.

So if we traveled anywhere,
that his money was all for that.

Mine was strictly to pay bills.

Pay the rent, pay the bills,
buy the groceries.

I mean, okay, I was married
to two of the dancers.

And it's let's go up
to the Red Dog

and see what's going on

because I mean,
you know, that's your life.

That's your livelihood.

That's where you make your money

and you've got...

Hell, I'm spending...

I'm spending 12 hours a day
in that damn thing,

seven days a week sometimes.

You're lucky to get a day off.

It's hard on a marriage.

It's definitely
hard on a marriage.

We used to just,
you know, go party...

we get off work
and go partying together

and we do Tupperware parties
together and, you know,

just all kinds of stuff.

Me and Jeanne lived together
for a little while.

We had a really good time then.

Once in a while,
we'd go to the male strippers

and, of course, we got
acquainted to all of them.

And Thanksgiving,
we had a big feast at the house

and a lot of guys
come out there.

The strippers, you know.

And Jeanne's mom and dad
was there and everybody.

I mean, the kids were there.

And we just invited the guys
and we told them...

I said, you know,
'cause a lot of them

didn't have families, you know.

They didn't have
nothing to do or anywhere to go.

I even took my mother.

On her birthday,
I took my mother

to one of the clubs
where the guys were dancing.

And one of our best friends,
he'd come over and I go,

"This is my mother."
I said, "It's her birthday,"

I said, "Give it to her."
And he goes, "Okay."

And he got over there and, man,
he rubbed all over her.

She couldn't hardly
keep her hands off of him.

She was... She was patting him
and rubbing him and everything

and we was cracking up laughing.

She said that's
the best birthday she ever had.

You don't always have to know
what somebody cares about.

You don't always have to know
what somebody's thinking.

You don't have to get into
these deep-thoughted bullshit

with these people.

It's about feeling of family

when all of us
didn't have anybody.

We didn't have anybody else.

And so that becomes your family.

Check one, two.

# Says right here
on my birthday certificate #

# Now twenty... #

This is killing me.
This is fucking killing me.

Get it right.

# It says it says right here
on my birthday certificate #

# Now I'm 23 smack-dab
in the thick of it #

Sometimes I get melancholy

when I drive around the lake
because that was

such an intricate part
of the Red Dog,

was driving around
Lake Overholser and...

and getting high and laughing

and thinking
that we were forever young.

Obviously, you know, I...
I can't do that

with so many of them anymore,
you know, and I wished I could.

I really wished I could,
because I... I miss them.

I do miss them.

But I don't miss them
being fucked up, you know.

I don't miss them
being fucked up.

And sadly enough to say,

the ones that I did get
to be around in the end

were all fucked up.

It felt like just one day

we lived with Ron Hollis.

That was her boyfriend

and the manager of the Red Dog.

I started dating Hollis

and, you know,
from dating Hollis

then I moved in with Hollis.

I remember going
to live with him.

When we did, I was so excited.

And I remember asking him
if... if I could call him dad.

And he said,
"Yeah, you can call me dad."

When I first
went to work at the Red Dog,

Ron hired me as a bartender
and he wanted me to work days.

The first day I was there,
he told me to go in and clean,

make sure the women's restroom
was clean.

I loved the stalls up
looking around,

everything looks okay

and then I start reading some
of the graffiti on the wall.

And there's this one with a real
big thick magic marker says,

"Ron Hollis is a good lay."

And so I come out...
I come out of the bathroom

and I'm talking to Ron
and I'm going,

"Hey, man,
you got some advertising

on the wall in there."

He said, "What do you mean?"

And I said,

"Well somebody thinks
you're a good lay."

And he goes,
"Oh, I wrote that in there.

I wrote that in there, hell."

Yeah.

And Ron was Tyson's godfather.

I think he was
godfather to our babies.

- Probably.
- When you think about it.

He was, you know, a daddy
to a lot of those kids up there

just for a male influence,
whether it be good...

I'm not saying
it was the best in the world,

but he, to me,

was like a kindergarten teacher
half the time.

He acted like
a kindergartner half the time.

He might have been drunk.

I don't think
I ever saw him mad ever.

But he drank.

Morning to night non-stop,
always drinking.

He was a dad,

a brother, a friend,

a confidant.

A lot of things to me
when I was young.

When you... when you're
out of your house for that...

at that early of an age,

you kind of latch on
to somebody,

and I latched on to him.

I remember
when we lived at Ron's,

my mom would pick me up
late at night,

oftentimes in the babysitter.

In the morning,
she'd have the setup, right?

Which the milk was down low,
light, you know.

If it was a full gallon,
she'd pour out half of it.

They'd be Capri Suns, low,

and then Froot Loops
in the cupboard.

And I would put the bowl
on the floor

and pour Froot Loops in a bowl
and then get my milk out,

and she would have the channel
switched on to PBS

to where when I turned on
the television

Mister Rogers or Sesame Street
would come on

and I wouldn't have
to wake them up to get,

you know, to get my shit going.

She could live
a late-night lifestyle

and not have to worry
about me in the morning.

I could take care of myself
for a good couple of hours

before she woke up and needed
to get it together, you know.

Ron had this truck...
What the fuck was that?

Yeah, it was a blue Blazer,

beat-up blue Blazer
that was raised up high.

It wasn't even...
it wasn't normal.

The bucket seats
were mismatched.

Everything was fucked up in it.

But I don't...

There was something
about that truck

that everybody loved.

The minute it got nice outside,

that fucking Blazer
was busting out of there,

and we would go around the lake.

We went and picked up Rick
one day before work and I said,

"I'll go up and get him."

That was my MO to go,
"I'm gonna go get him,"

because I'd get a hit of dope
before we left.

I don't think we'd gotten
six blocks away from there

and it was just like
the dope hit.

Both of us were just like...

boo, boo.

All of a sudden,
Rick just falls over,

and the boots
just came straight up.

I mean, it was just, like,

I was getting a buzz off
of the dope and I thought,

"Okay, he just got...
he took a bigger shot than me.

It's his dope,
he just probably took

a little bit more than I did."

The minute
that I looked at his face,

I knew something was wrong.

And I'm going,
"Rick, Rick, what the fuck?

Come on. Come on, buddy.
What's going on?"

And I'm thinking, "That son
of a bitch is fucking OD-ing."

And I'm like trying
to fucking lift him up,

and every time I lift him up,
his legs go up.

I mean, it was just...
It was so weird.

Ron fucking drives up next
to this goddamn dumpster,

and I turn around and I look
I say, "What are you doing?"

And he goes,
"If the motherfucker's dying,

we're throwing him
in the goddamn dumpster."

I said, "What?

Throw him
in the fucking dumpster?"

And he goes,
"I ain't gonna have...

What are we supposed to do,
roll him out at the lake?"

I said, "He's still
fucking breathing, come on."

You know, he's fucking warm.

I knew something was wrong
and I...

And he was slobbering
at that point, you know.

And I rolled him over
on his side

and he was saying something.

Finally, got enough at.
"In my pocket, in my pocket."

Well,
he had some pills in there.

Well, I didn't know,
and Ron didn't know,

and nobody knew
that Rick was an epileptic.

That's all it was,
was an episode.

- What did you do?
- Got him sat up,

and you could see his eyes
kind of start trying to focus

and shit like that.

And Rick told him,
"You, son of a bitch,

I heard you say
he's gonna fucking throw me

in a goddamn dumpster."

Yeah, like it's business
as usual after that.

What are you gonna do?

take him
to the fucking hospital?

Fuck no, he's goddamn high.

You know, and he knew he was.

Hell, he was ready to fucking
get some more

and, you know,
let's smoke a joint now

and roll on, you know.

We got to work and told a couple
of people and went, "Whoa!"

"What the fuck do you do?"

I think I was 14
and, I don't know,

I was digging around
in my mom's car for something

and I found a little film case

and there was
some weed in there.

And I thought,

"I should probably smoke this."

And, Lord knows why,

inhaled it and then realized

that I was super fucking stoned

and I'd never been
really stoned before.

My mom calls me in for dinner

and I sit at the table
and I keep looking down

between my legs, 'cause I...

it feels
like I'm pissing my pants.

"Do you think
I'm pissing my pants?"

And it doesn't look
like I've pissed my pants,

but I just
kept touching to verify.

I had not yet pissed my pants.

And anyway, it just sort
of blew through dinner

and Mom's like, "Are you okay?"

And I'm like,
"Yeah, I just not...

just not feeling well, Mom."

Years later, I was talking
to my mom about that

and she was like, "Oh, yeah,

that was
Cathy's hydroponic weed.

That's the shit
that they used to grow.

And she's like,
"Yeah, that stuff's real,

blow your head off," you know.

Cathy's weed.

Do you happen to remember
my mom's nickname for your mom?

- No,.
- Just Nasty Cathy?

Nasty Cat...
Yeah, that sounds about right.

I was almost shocked
at what she did.

- But I thought...
- Can you tell me?

No, no, I can't,
because I just can't.

I just don't think
it would be right.

But henceforth, "Nasty Cathy"
I called her, and she giggled.

She giggled and giggled
and giggled about that.

We had a lot of fun,

a lot of tears,
a lot of laughter.

She was with me
through a lot of shit.

I was with her
through a lot of shit.

You know, I'm... I'm glad
that she was in my life.

Eddie's my stepdad. Uh...

He came in my life because
my mom liked to date a dealer.

When she married Eddie,
you know,

it gave Cathy more money,

you know, and Cathy
didn't have to work anymore

and Cathy
could smoke as much pot.

Of course she always smoked.

And that was okay,
I didn't care.

Before we had
to move in together,

they had to introduce me to it
because that's what...

you know, that's what Eddie did
for a living, was he grew weed,

you know,
copious amounts of weed.

And my mom was like,
"You need to go with him

and listen to what he's saying." He's like,
"We can't tell anybody that would do this.

We can't let anybody know
that this is going on."

He's like,
"But I want to show you this."

He opened the door and took me down
I was like, "What are these?"

He's like "Well, we're growing these plants,"
and he's like, "I want you to look at these

and see each one
of these little leaves?

Look at those
like they're $50 bills."

And that's...
I took off with it, you know.

I was huge on math
when I was kid.

So Eddie was always,
you know, high, so he'd be like,

"Here, do the math on this."

So that was... you know,
that was, I guess, it made me

feel important to the family to
be needed for stuff like that.

I had friends
that I talked to at the school,

but I couldn't go stay the night
at their house

and hang out with them because, you know,
if you go stay a night at their house,

they're supposed to come
and stay a night at your house.

They can't stay
the night at our house.

I can't explain to them
why there's odd lights

coming out of the door,

why there's this hum through the wall,
all the, you know, ballasts for the lights

and everything like that,
you know.

I mean, it was
a hydroponic house,

probably glowed in the dark.

That's why I was
at your place so often,

was because you guys
were about the only friends

that I was allowed to have,
you know.

I told Russell, I said,

"Why don't you come out
and live with me?"

And bless his heart,
he grinned at me

and thought about it
for a second and he said,

"Kim, I love you," but he said,

"You're way too strict."

I remember one time
we lived over on the south side

over off of 12th and Villa,

and my mom and her guy

got in a fight over some pills
that went missing.

And they got
an actual physical fight

out in the front yard,
so I ran through and, you know,

I was real little, I was
in third grade or fourth grade

and I tried to jump the guy
like I was He-Man

and that didn't work out
too well for me.

He just picked me up
and threw me about 40 feet

across the lawn, you know.

I started bawling my eyes out
'cause I didn't know what to do.

So I ran inside and I came
back out with a knife

and I tried to cut him,
but, you know,

still I was just a little kid.

I didn't know
what else to do, you know.

And that's, you know...
that's, you know,

one of my fun Mom stories.

Don't get me wrong,
me and Cathy clashed terribly,

especially after we had kids.

Not so much we loved it
when we didn't,

but when the minute
that we had kids,

then we clashed.

The day that all that shit

went down
where I called the cops on him,

was we were sitting around
and he'd heated up some pizza,

and they'd walked in
the front room

and he was so fucked up
on something

that he thought
I'd eaten his pizza

and he pulled the gun on me.

And, you know, he pulled a gun
on my mom a couple of times,

he pulled a gun on my dad,
you know,

he beat my mom a couple of times

and he beat my ass
a couple of times

and I was just done with it,
you know.

I told my mom, you know,

"Look, either you leave him
or I'm gonna do something."

And my mom was like,
"Well, you can get

the fuck out of our life."

Eddie threw all of his shit
on the lawn,

and Russell came back
and saw all of his clothes,

everything laying out
on the lawn.

And he packed it up
and drove to town

and turned him in.

And Cathy never got over it.

I mean, they ended up in jail.

You know, they went in there
and had a bunch of pot plants

and guns and shit like that.

And they ended up
locking them up and...

Cathy and Russell
never spoke again.

I regret it
because that was the last time

that I ever really
talked to my mom, you know.

We never... we never talked again
after that pretty much.

I mean, I saw her
at my grandpa's funeral,

but we didn't say
two words to each other.

I mean, it didn't change
anything

in their lives, you know.

They still stayed together,
they still...

They get fucked up together,
but that's, you know,

that's kind of how it went down.

You know,
I... I just... I had enough.

It was hurtful to me because
I just thought Cathy could have,

you know, gotten over it,

you know,
but Cathy just, you know,

"The little son of a bitch
turned me in, and fuck him."

You know, and I said,
"One of these days,

what if he gets married
and has kids?"

"Fuck him."

She couldn't get over it.

She couldn't get over it.

She just finally told me,

"Quit talking about it."

And so I finally just...
you know,

It wasn't endearing me to her,
I'll put it that way.

Dominant society is,

you better
put your seatbelts on,

you better put your helmet on,

you better get your saved up
Twinkies over here

and you better do this,
you better do that.

The dominant society.

Now, the dominant society,
and there's us.

To live outside the law,
you must truly be an honest man.

Now you think about that
for a few minutes.

Outside the law,
we don't have courts and judges.

We actually feed you to the
fucking hogs.

No simple dude.

Hendrix says it very well
in six...

in a song called "If 6 Were 9."

"I'm the one that's got to die

when it comes time
for me to die,

so let me live my life
the way I want to."

I'd usually give him
the benefit of the doubt once

because I would think they had
a little too much to drink,

which is okay. That's where...

It's a bar,
it's a bar, I got it.

I was always happy for all
those girls to take out of there

as much money as they could.

They all worked hard.

There was a girl
that got up there,

and she wasn't
the smartest crayon in the box,

but she was there to make money.

And these guys were really
hollering at her

and yelling at her
and everything and...

and he tells her
squat on down here

and she squats on down there

and he goes, "Hey baby,

your pussy looks
like a fucking taco."

But Lorna did like this.

And I said, "What the fuck
did you say to her?"

"I told her, her pussy looked
like a taco, bitch."

I said, "I don't think that was
a good thing to say to her."

"Well, what... what do you mean?

What the fuck
are you gonna do to me?"

I just picked up the stick,

walked back over there

and I laid about that much
of it down.

I said, "What...
What did you say again?"

"You heard what I said."

And I just pulled it back

and just fucking plunged it
as hard as I fucking could

and hit him square in the mouth.

Teeth flew, bloody.

Immediately, they started
coming over the bar at me,

you know, I got beat up
a little bit, I didn't care.

I didn't care.

People don't talk like that.

People don't say shit like that.

I'd give him one pass and then
I would go alert a bouncer.

You know,
that was your mom, you know.

Tell them once, Tiny, you know.

Back when I was
a little bitty kid

in Torrance, California,

I'd get beat up
for my lunch money

by a gang of little kids,

and my dad showed me
how to stick an axe handle

up the sleeve of my jacket.

And the next time when the kids

come to take my lunch money,
just clock them.

Don't talk,
don't push back and forth.

If they come up,
"Give me your lunch money,"

drop that down your hand
and start beating them with it.

And that's what I did.

And that's what I've been doing
ever since.

I will not stand there
and talk shit with you.

I will not fuck with a drunk.

I will just take you out.

I'm a Nam vet.

I've killed more people

than you motherfuckers
can probably even think of

by the time I was 19 years old.

You know, it literally bothers
me to punch you in the mouth

'cause you're an idiot.

I don't think so. Yeah.

The Red Dog always had
a lot of people in it.

And we could always go in there

and expect to find
at least one or two people

who were drunk
and causing problems.

And because
of the number of people

who were going into the Red Dog,

we never went
with just a single car.

We always went in
with two or three police cars.

We had a fight
break out within a minute or two

when the place
was getting ready to close,

and I locked my arms
under his shoulders

and raise it up with him.

And when I picked him up,

he wheeled around
and took a knife

and come across my arm
right here

and laid me open pretty good.

When you closed at night,

you've got two bars
with sometimes

as much as $7,000
or 8,000 in cash.

And you have to take it
out of the bar into your car

and drive somewhere
to deposit it,

and I usually carried a pistol.

I just think, you know,
you live by the sword,

you're gonna fucking die
by the sword.

Now, do you... How... How fast you
wanna wave that fucking sword?

Or do you wanna throw it away
and fucking straighten up?

And I straightened up.

So what made you
leave the lifestyle?

I got tired
of the bullshit, man.

Yeah, I got tired of it, man.

I got her, I got the kid

and I didn't wanna spend time
in prison again,

be away from her and the kid.

Time for a change, so I changed.

Two weeks after I had Josh,
I got busted

and put in jail for 24 hours,
which did not... I did not like.

When I got busted, I had
to throw a bunch of drugs away.

We heard them
coming up the stairs.

So I ran in the bath...
We just got drugs.

So I ran in the bathroom

and dumped them all
on the toilet and flushed them.

Well, we still owed
all that money.

Um...

So they were looking for us.
The bikers were looking for us.

And I just got scared and tired

and thought I can't raise
a kid in this and...

and left Kevin
and moved in with my mom.

So I lived with her
about six months

before I went into treat...
and then I went into treatment.

And then got out of treatment,

divorced Kevin
and didn't look back.

They had a bachelor party
there one night.

These guys got me down
and wouldn't let me go

and they hurt me.

And after they
finally let me go,

I said this ain't...
this ain't worth it.

I said I didn't come down here
to work just to get, you know,

messed up and stuff like that.

I said, "I came to make
the money

'cause I need the money"

and I said, "I don't deserve
to be treated this way."

And I left
and I didn't come back.

Once people started leaving
the Red Dog,

we kind of went
our separate ways.

And I kind of lost track

because the last time I'd gone
to Connie and Kevin's house,

when I walked in, they were both
sitting on the couch

and they had just shot up
with Dilaudid

and they were really out of it.

I was psycho getting sober.

I was... I didn't know
how to live normal.

'Cause I had been chemically
enhanced since I was 16.

So I didn't have a clue.

I stayed in contact
with some of them

for maybe a year
after I got sober,

but then it just,
you know, you just...

you leave all those friends
behind when you get sober.

You have to, to... you have
to completely break away

from that
to break away from that.

My first job at 16 was
a counter work at Braum's.

My first job when I got sober
was counter work at Braum's.

And minimum wage.

So I went from some days,
some weeks,

some months,

we had thousands of dollars
and we were...

Let's go to Mardi Gras and get...

get up and go to the airport
and go to Mardi Gras.

But I went from that
to minimum wage, a lot of debt,

living at my mother's house
with a six-month-old baby.

Yeah, it was drastic.

Drastic.

It was hard, it was real hard.

And no, I didn't enjoy it,
because it was hard.

I didn't get to really enjoy
my kids growing up.

- So...
- You were working?

Mm-Hm.

Mom had dated Randy
and, apparently,

we had lived with him
before we lived with Ron.

But both Randy and Ron
worked at the Red Dog,

and Randy came in
and was talking to her,

and Ron got pissed off.

Ron got jealous about this.

Wrong night, wrong time.

This became a thing.

Ron was sitting on the toilet.

He always sat
on the toilet back there

with the fucking door open,
taking a shit.

I mean, that was just...
We called him Runny Ronny.

He drank so much tequila,

he had the shits constantly,
you know.

And he was drunk. He was drunk.
And I knew he was drunk.

He could have such a lovely
laughter about him

that I would love...

I could love him so much,

but I could hate him so much.

And he said, "You know what?"
"He said,"

"You need to quit talk...

I don't want you to talk
to him anymore,

You're never gonna be
anything but mine,

you're never gonna be
anything but a drunk,

you'll be here
until you can go no more.

And I...

thought that was a really
fucked up thing

to say to somebody.

And he got up,

and here's that big pile
of fucking shit in the toilet

and the keys
were lobbed right in there.

And I said, "Go fishing."

And...

I got the sluggy sluggo
in the face of my life

and I said goodbye and I...

What did he do to you?

He slugged me in the face.

Because I lobbed his keys
in the toilet.

With a bunch
of shit in the toilet.

And I said, "Fuck you, goodbye.
That'll be the last time."

So I walked out of the backdoor,
and Randy was sitting there

and he looked at me and he knew

by the looks in my face
that I just been...

He said, "You need
to get out of here right now

for a little while, come on,
I'll take you for a ride."

The next morning,
I went and picked you up

at the babysitter's house.

I went over to Ron's house,

got your crap, my crap,
we cleaned it out and...

I just remember he gets up
and says something to my mom

and I'm like, "Hey, Dad,"

you know, I'm sort of oblivious
to whatever is happening

between them,
I don't even understand.

And I just remember saying,
"Hey, Dad."

And... and I still remember him
saying,

"Don't call me dad."

And I just remember,
like, being utterly shocked.

I didn't know, you know,
what... why would he say that.

Within a week,
Randy said what we're gonna do

is we're gonna get married.

And I said, I don't love you.

And he goes, "You're gonna learn
to love me. It'll be all right."

I'll get you out of here.

You need to... you need to quit
and get out of this life."

So it was like this
immediate transition, you know,

but it was another thing
where can I call you dad,

you know, and he said, "Sure."

And then he was Dad.

But I was happy, you know.

I mean, it was somebody else
who seemed...

who seem solid, you know.

And I had a brother.

Jeanne had
actual legal custody of him,

but he lived with me

and it was about the time

that you and your mother
and I got together.

Yeah, you loved it.

I mean, you instantly had
an older brother,

and you and Ty got along great.

I was so fucking excited
to have a brother, you know.

I remember
sharing bunk beds together,

and we had this train track
and we had, uh...

We did brother stuff together.

You know,
Dad would take us fishing.

And I don't know how long
that carried on

until just one day he was gone.

And mom said he wasn't
coming back, you know.

And now I don't get to have
a brother, you know.

And I never really knew why,

and I don't know how
you fucking erase that as a kid.

Like, asked the question
every day,

"Where's Ty?
What happened to Ty?"

I'd quit the Red Dog

and I went in
to take money in one day.

David had stayed there
at the house with the kids.

When I came back,
David and Nakia

were on the couch.

Tyson was nowhere around.

I ask him where Tyson was,
he said he's out there

playing around the tree house.

Went outside, no Tyson.
I went everywhere.

And this is out in the country.

And I couldn't find Tyson
anywhere.

I ended up calling the police.

And we had dogs, helicopters,

all of that out there looking.

And then they found out
that David was not the father,

he was the boyfriend.

In my opinion, he probably
thought the same of me,

but in my opinion,
he was a lowlife son of a bitch,

and I didn't want
my children around him.

She wouldn't let me
see the kids,

she wouldn't tell me anything.

So I started following.

And I pulled up one day

and Tyson's running down
the road in his underwear

and he goes, "Daddy, Daddy."

And he got in the truck with me
and I took him home.

Well, this was on a weekend,
and I was working

in some little town
up in Kansas.

So they call
Randy's mom and dad.

I just begged, begged,
begged her,

"Please, if he has him,
fine, fine,

just let me know that he's okay,
that he's safe."

And she, eventually,
did give in and say,

"Yes, Randy did steal him."

I got up one morning,
and Eldorado Police

was setting
in the motel parking lot.

So anyway,
I called my boss at work

and I said, "Gotta quit,

police is up here looking for me
and I'm gonna...

I'm going to New Mexico."

I just stayed
on the lam for a while.

Randy would just move from town
to town to town to town,

and you would have to ask him
exactly where all he went.

What did you and Ty do
when you're out in New Mexico?

What was your life like?

Oh, we'd run around
and look at Gila monsters

and whatever, you know,

we'd run around and...

I don't know,
it was... it's just...

It's the good old days,
you know.

Everybody was pretty carefree

and they're easy going
and it was... it was fun.

I would sit and watch
Randy's friends' places

hoping to get a glimpse.

And I did actually get
in contact with Randy one time,

and he said he would meet me
at Crossroads Mall,

and we would talk
about the whole situation.

And he brought Tyson with him.

Oh, man, whoa,
what a relief to finally see

my firstborn child.

After all this time,

he still remembered me.

He came running to me,

and I agreed to let Tyson
continue to live with Randy

as long as he didn't take off
with him again,

because he told me if I tried
to take him back,

even though I had
full custody by that time,

I had filed for divorce,
had received full custody,

that he would just take him
again and maybe Nakia, too,

and I would never
see either one of them again.

I don't know, I... I don't know
exactly how you could say...

anything
that makes sense of that

when you think back on it,
but, uh...

And it was during that timeframe

that he and your mom
got together.

Jeanne didn't want
Tyson around Kim,

and I don't know why.

Your mom and Randy had gotten
into a knife fight.

It's, like, something I just...

It's so...

far away from my life

and what I ever want
my relationships to be.

I can't help
but just laugh about it,

I guess, you know.

Your mother was drinking
Southern Comfort.

I was drinking Southern Comfort
doing the old Janis Joplin deal

and we all got really,
really wasted

and we got back to the house.

I don't even know
what we were fighting about.

I don't remember
what we were fighting about.

But he said something to me,

and I took a knife
and pulled it on him.

I reached out and grabbed a hold
of the knife and turned it.

He grabbed it the backwards
way out of my hand.

Her hand went across the blade,
well, it light her hand up

and from all the way across
the palm of her hand

to the tip of her finger.

As I remember,
it was pretty bloody.

I ended up at the hospital
getting a bunch of stitches,

you know,
and... and I got what I got.

If you can't even pull
a knife right on somebody,

then you ought not
be pulling it, you know?

I shouldn't have...
shouldn't have done it.

I learned right then
I'm not good with knives.

Your mom and Randy had
gotten in that knife fight.

When I walked in to get
Tyson that time, though,

there was a guy sitting
in the chair, and he asked me

if I had an extra needle on me.

I'm here to pick up my child.

Go into the bedroom,
you're in the bedroom,

you guys have been playing
with the little Matchbox cars.

And you acted kind of sad.

But he... you told him,
"I'll see you later."

I remember just not knowing
where he went.

Um, and then,

honestly, I never saw him again
until I was 12 years old

and never really knowing
what that story was.

Kind of fucking nervous.

Hello, brother that I haven't
talked to in 25 years,

I like to ask you some stuff
about...

...both of our mothers
and our father.

Um...

I guess we're gonna do this.

My memories
really start kicking in

is when my mom got me back.

Uh, and I just remember
knowing that it was my mom.

Like, I remember just...

I don't know why, I just...
I knew that it was my mom.

I remember crying,
I remember her crying, and she...

She... you know, she ran over
to me and she picked me up

and I remember
being just so happy.

Uh...

Man, I really enjoyed this.

I just... I would
love to connect back.

I don't know if it's in Florida,
I don't know if it's in Oklahoma

or Nashville or...

or the West Coast
or something like that,

but, man, it would be cool
to hang out a little bit.

Yeah, all right.
I agree 100%.

That'd be awesome.

Did you feel like you
buried the hatchet somehow?

Oh, yeah, Randy and I
have buried the hatchet

many years ago.

He's been...
he's been a good man.

He's always been a good man.

I don't know,
I've always felt

like I've been a pretty well
solid down-to-earth guy

that came home
every night after work

and did
what I was supposed to do

as a husband and a father.

I always did love Randy.

But did you ever go out there

when he... he had the car door

that he used to shut
the dryer door

to hold the dryer door?

Okay. Okay.

My point being, all these years,

and he'd still do
something like that

instead
of fixing the dryer door.

When Tyson disappeared,

shortly after that,
we moved out to the country.

And so there was a really just
a huge shift in our lifestyle.

I mean, it was actually
kind of rough at first.

There was,
like, no water out there

for I don't know how long,

I mean, like, maybe
half a year or something.

We'd have to cart water in.

I wanted to get her away
from her old friends

that she ran with

'cause she would get
out of control.

My life growing up

was nothing
like the inside of the Red Dog.

There were wheat fields,

and dirt patches,

and red rock cliffs,
and baseball, and football,

and no nude dancing allowed.

Half the churches
where I grew up

didn't allow dancing.

I mean, it's not like we moved
a hundred miles away.

We're only 40 miles
from Oklahoma City.

But you find out when you live
40 miles from somebody

who your friends are.

I don't know if I saw it then,
but I felt it, you know,

that he's making a home...
This is dad, he's doing this,

he's going to work, he's...

You know, he comes home,
and then he watches TV

and I watch TV with him.

I remember watching
Wild America with him.

We used to, like, to watch
nature shows together.

I wanted you to mind,

I wanted you
to tell me the truth

and I wanted you to excel
at whatever you tried to do.

And I was there to help you.

Those were my goals as a parent.

When kids are involved,

when you have kids
and kids are involved,

that's what makes you
start thinking.

Okay, should I be doing this?

Should I be doing this?
Should I be doing this?

When kids are involved,
it all changes.

I think everybody
can agree with that.

I thought I will make a way,

I will make a way.

It may not be...

I may not get
an A-plus for this,

I might not even get a B,

but I thought
if I can just get a C,

if I can get an average,
you know.

And I felt
like I got an average.

Mom always said
Randy saved her life,

and I think
there's something to it.

Truth be told,
he probably saved mine too.

Me and Randy have known
each other for fucking 40 years,

and we had been great friends.

We were just different people.

I think I broke his heart.

I think I broke his heart.

Uh...

I don't know, I think we were
good for each other at first.

Right.

I thought, "Okay,
where is some kind of happiness

and some kind of a medium

of being with somebody
and having a life?"

And that was not a life for me.

And I went on a vacation.

My yearly vacation
with Nasty Cathy

where we'd go camping
or do something.

And me and Cathy
were extremely drunk.

That was part of the weekend,
was building fires

and getting drunk and eating
barbecued Vienna sausages.

They're pretty simplistic goals,
but that's what our goal was.

And...

You know, "Oh, hey,"

you know, "Hey, you girls,"
and blah, blah, blah.

And, you know,
you're on a camping trip,

you're not gonna
be talking about deep crap

or anything like that,
but, you know, he goes,

"I wrestled
when I was in high school,"

and blah, blah, blah, you know.

And Cathy said, "I bet...
You know how to leg wrestle?

'Cause I bet the bitch
can beat your ass."

And he says, "She can't."

Cathy goes, "Yeah, I got...

I'll put money on her
right now."

Well, it was dirt,
was dirt out in there,

which neither
one of us gave a shit.

He said, "I'll do it."

So we got down in the dirt
and did leg wrestling.

And when he hooked up with me,
he... I sent him flying off

into the woods.

And he went,
"What the fuck was that?"

Well, I had leg wrestled
bouncers in the Red Dog,

I had leg wrestled
with my brothers,

I had leg wrestled all my life.

You know, after we leg wrestled,

we decided that it was
probably time for sex.

In the end, it's turned out,

you know, I wouldn't
have it any other way.

You guys, you know, love him,
and he loves you and...

And I mean, you know,
and it's been 20 plus years now,

going on 25,
and I've never been so happy.

Fuck you.

You know, a lot
of the Red Dog people

just sort of fell away.

The one person
that remained constant

in my mom's life
was Nasty Cathy and...

They always
just seemed to be there

for each other, you know,

through relationships
and divorces.

And I don't know why,
you know, I can't tell you,

you can't... it's hard to be
on the inside of a friendship.

We'd do a lake run once a month.

We loved to drive around
Lake Overholser together.

We'd crack a tallboy,
drink teraund.

Everybody that had passed,

we would toast
to all the dead people

and talk
about all the funny stories

that happened
around Lake Overholser.

She stopped coming.

Something's wrong.

Something's wrong.

And when I went and saw her,

she was remarkably 20 pounds
thinner and looked terrible.

Eddie just let her drink
herself to death, you know.

He didn't do anything
to stop her and she started...

So, I guess she hid
from your mom, you know.

She wouldn't hang out
with your mom anymore,

and that was her best friend.

So, I don't know,
I think that was kind of...

Kind of what ruined
the end of her life.

I don't know.

Me and Cathy had talked
about life and death

for both of us.

We planned our old age
30 years ago,

that we were gonna move
into the apartment by the lake

and sit out there on the veranda
with cocktails and laugh.

That was gonna be the end
of our life was living together.

And I took one look at her
and knew it was imminent

and I pretty much pushed
your mom out of the way

and said I need to talk to her
for a minute

and gave her a kiss on her lips,

a big old wet sloppy ass kiss,

and told her that I loved her
and told her,

"You go on and fly
across that fucking lake.

Go, go, goodbye,
I'll see you on the other side."

And got in the car,
and got home.

And by the time I got home,

Eddie called me
and said she was gone.

So, she got to go.

She got to make the trip
across the fucking lake.

She's still there somewhere
flying around that fucking lake.

We should go back and...
and just try to reconnect

here again after everything
that happened, you know?

I mean, I'd like to sit down
and have a conversation

like this with my mom, you know,

tell her all the things
that I loved that she did as,

you know, when I was a kid
and all the things that I hated.

You know, I'd like to be honest
with her about it again,

let her know.

You know, she's my mom and I
do love her and I miss her.

You know,
it'd be nice to tell her

that she didn't do
such a bad job, you know.

I came out pretty decent,
you know.

The next week, I bought
a bunch of helium balloons

because he wasn't
gonna bury her,

and I just went bought
a bunch of helium balloons

and took him out to the lake

and had my own damn
memorial service for her

and sat and watched the balloons
go across the lake.

And played music for us.

Said, "There you go.
Go girl, go."

Do you remember
the song that you played?

Do you remember
the song that you played?

Yeah.

I do.

I do.

She always liked...

This is so silly,
'cause it was...

She always liked "My Maria."

She just loved that song.

We'd get in her car.

# Maria, Maria #

And we don't...

We didn't even know
anybody named Maria.

But...

I was always trying
to turn her on to new music.

She didn't... She never liked it.

She'd go, "No, no, no."

She didn't like new music.

She didn't like new music.

My mom finally
went back to school

after I was out of high school.

I thought I can't just go
to a GED school

and just take a test
and pass it.

I knew I couldn't pass it.

So I went to an adult class.

Dug my heels in,
I'd grab a beer on the way home

and cry and study and think,

"I'm not gonna get it,
I'm not gonna get it,

I'm not gonna get it"

and after six months,

I went and took the test
and passed it.

And you would have thought
that I was a PhD.

You know, it was hard,
but I got it.

I got it.

I'm an adult
going back to high school.

I've got two kids.

I'm working, but I got that GED,

and I went on
and I got my bachelor's degree.

I wanted more out of life.

I wanted a home
and, you know, a vehicle

and I wanted money put back
and, you know,

I wanted a place at the lake

and just more, you know,
so I worked hard for it.

So now
what's your life like?

Easy.

When I got out of treatment

and I filed divorce papers,

divorce date,
he wasn't ready to quit.

I knew I couldn't be with him
and not do anything.

He got sober
about two years later.

Was still around
because of our son.

And then he wanted to go
to a concert

and wanted me to go with him

because it's safer to go
with somebody else that's sober.

That was his excuse.

I said, you know,
I'm not the same girl I was.

You may not like me now.

I told him everything's
gonna be different this time.

This time we're not
going to the courthouse.

This time you're gonna get
down on your knee

and you're gonna propose
and you're gonna get me a diamond

and we're gonna get married
in the church.

And it... and he did it all.

He did it all,
and it was different, so...

We've been together since 1974.

March of 1974
is when we first got together.

So we had an eight-year split
in the... in there somewhere.

- You enjoyed your life?
- Oh, yeah. I won.

As far as I am concerned, I won.
As far she's concerned, I won.

I had about...

all total back to back,
day after day,

seven years setback

without a...

67 years
with a seven-year setback,

I won. Look around.

I don't know, I'm pretty
proud of the whole thing.

I have lot of things
I could have done better.

Some things I might have changed

that I don't
really know right now.

Just got to go day to day
trying to do your best, I guess.

Regrets?

Yeah, I got caught.

They got my mug, my fingerprints

and my name and my aliases

and my picture in gang books

and mug shots in prisons.

You know, I am no longer
an illusion.

They know who I am.

I never cheated on any wife,
and I am sorry to say...

I really I'm sorry I didn't,

because they were all
cheating on me.

I passed up some opportunities
that I still kick myself

in the ass to this day
I passed it up.

I shouldn't have done it.

But what do... you know...

I've got great memories
from back then, you know.

I may have been drinking
and drugging and stuff

and I've got some really bad
memories from them,

but I've got
really good memories,

and they were good friends.

You know, we had our backs
no matter what

and that's...
that's good memories.

My parents were coming out.

They had a flight out
on Sunday morning, I think.

I said, "Hey y'all.

Eric's playing Saturday night
while you're here."

Mom was like,
"Oh, we're flying out early."

"No big deal,

just 25,000 people

singing a song that I wrote.

You know, you guys probably
need to get to your flight."

And Danny texted back, he goes,

"I'll go. I wanna go.
I wanna go."

And so when they started
playing "Kill a Word,"

one of my songs,
you know, the crowd was singing

and holding up their phones
like lighters and stuff

and I looked and this tears
coming down his face,

you know, he's so proud.

I don't know, you know,
you feel good, you know,

to be able to have
your parents be proud of you

and see you
through all that shit, you know,

um, see through
being a dumb kid,

see through a million failures,

see through having kids
help you raise your kids,

and then to actually be able
to have, you know,

just a little lick of success
in the world

and not fuck up too bad,
you know.

It was really,
you know, special.

It was crazy back then.

Am I sorry for it?

Not especially, you know.

Do I want it blasted all over?

Not especially.

You know, accept it.

I led... I've led a full life.

You wouldn't take
any of that back, would you?

I... I don't...
I don't think I would.

I don't know, I just...

I see my mom now

and see the life that she has,

which is a simple,
beautiful life with her husband,

where they're watering plants

and getting in bed
by nine o'clock

and having their coffee
in the morning

and just enjoying life together.

And it's hard to have any hard
feelings over that, you know.

Dad Charlie
did a stint in prison,

then he got out
and got a master's

and now he's
a drug and alcohol counselor.

Dad Randy has a good woman now,
and they are out on the farm

taking motorcycles to Sturgis,
you know, every year at 70.

Um...

That's not so bad, you know.

This just seems like
a long rocky road to happiness,

you know, started when... where
they started and it's okay.

Life's long,
you got to do something with it.

I'll tell you
what I miss the most,

are those times
that we went around the lake

in a broke down old fucking
vehicle no matter,

and there were many of them,

and laughed and...

And that we all
truly loved each other.

We truly,
truly loved each other.

No matter what we did.

You... it was like a fa...

It was like a family.

And I know that that sounds
crazy to most people.

They would probably say,

"How in the hell
could people like that,

that work at a place like that
ever be that close?"

But I'm telling you what,

there were many, many times

that we... we had no one else.

And it was quite lovely

and it was quite a ride,

and I'm glad
I fucking took the ride.

I'm glad I took
the fucking ride.