Reality Queen! (2020) - full transcript

I know that America
will never forgive me

and I'm not asking for that.

So, then, what
are you asking, London?

Don't forget me.

Never forget me.

♪ Green light, green light ♪

♪ Never gonna slow down,
slow down ♪

♪ Always goin' uptown, uptown ♪

♪ We're livin' the good life ♪

♪ This is the life

London Logo.



She's the daughter of an empire,

a child of the American Dream.

A media darling,

she is the ultimate
celebutante trendsetter

with millions of fans.

And millions of haters.

First off,
thanks again, London,

and congratulations on the MTV

Nip Slip of the Year Award.

Thank you.

Is there anything
you'd like to say

to the millions of little girls

who are big fans of yours?

Not really.



I'm a model, not a role model.

Not too long ago,
you attended a PETA event

and you wore a fur coat.

Nobody told me PETA
doesn't like fur.

They doused my coat
with red paint.

Then what happened?

The pics got out,

fur coats splattered with paint
became really popular,

fur sales skyrocketed.

Take that, PETA.

Trendsetter.

Oh, honey, London's outfits
are always delicious,

probably because I design them.

Hmmm.

London's sex tape
was ironically titled

"A Night in London,"

and at four hours long,

some said it should've
been called

"A Week in London."

You know what?

Nowadays, other celebrity
sex tapes just seem derivative.

If you were getting in
or out of a car

in the early 2000s,

you couldn't help
but think of London.

She pioneered the tasteful
stunt crotch-shot

sometimes referred to as
"coochie cam" verite.

Her millions of adoring fans
feel she is

the ultimate pop princess,

while others say she is
just a washed-up media whore

whose relevance, if any,
expired ten years ago.

In 2006, London received
worldwide acclaim

when she released footage
of herself

in war-torn Afghanistan,
entertaining the troops.

She was the first major
celebrity to enter

that volatile war zone.

Fuck the Taliban!

But worldwide acclaim
turned to disgust

when it was learned that London

never actually traveled
the 12,000 miles

to Afghanistan,

but rather filmed
the whole thing

on a movie set in California,

an hour's drive from her home.

What is the story
with this Afghanistan thing?

You never made it past
Santa Clarita?

She was never aware that she

actually wasn't in Afghanistan.

I fed her a few Ambien,

flew the plane around
for about an hour.

Money-saving thing on my part.

And, Winston,
have you learned your lesson

about taking shortcuts?

Absolutely.

Well, she didn't let the fact

that she was born without skills

or a personality stop her
from being famous.

I think that's really noble.

Is London Logo a business
and marketing genius?

Or is she simply
the accidental beneficiary

of an overwhelmingly
ignorant American public?

I'm Diana Smelt-Marlin
with BBS1,

and to find out,
I'd have to go back

to the beginning.

What is the first word
you think of

when you describe your daughter?

Busty.

What can you tell me
about her upbringing?

Her education?

Well, originally,
London wanted to major

in marine biology
until she realized

she would have to take biology.

London always
knew what she wanted to do

and it didn't involve learning.

What did it involve?

Showing off.

So, she went into modeling.

At age six.

Then, of course,
after her sex tape,

she booked her reality series.

And did London abuse drugs
or alcohol at a young age?

Ah. Uh, what?

London, Brad Tobacco
with "THE KNOW."

When are you hitting the stores

with your new line
of club-wear for pre-teens?

Stop talking to me,
I'm wasted.

London, we heard you might
be in next season

of "American Horror Story:
Bus Stop."

Care to comment?

I need to find
a bathroom fast.

- London...
- I can't see my...

Ahhh!

Holy shit, did you guys
see that?!

You guys, zoom in,
we got a gusher.

London, it appears
that your head

is bleeding profusely.

America wants to know:
What happened?

We have the right to know.

Look, normally I'd call 9-1-1,

but my journalistic ethics
prohibit me

from involving myself
in the story.

I hope you understand.

Alright, guys, it's a cut.

We're out of here.

She suffered traumatic
brain injury

and some temporary amnesia.

When are you hitting
the stores

with your new line
of club-wear for pre-teens?

Stop talking to me,
I'm wasted.

At first, London's amnesia

left her unable to recognize
anyone from her life,

even herself.

Oh, my God, who is this chick?

She's on every channel.

Looks like a real bitch.

Surprisingly,
despite the damage to her brain,

we have not noticed
any perceptible changes

in her behavior.

Cough.

Uhh!

Where am I?

How many new Twitter
followers do I have?

You don't see Kristy Kim
getting drunk

and falling on her ass.

Mom, get that camera
out of my face.

Go have a drink or something.

God damn.

OMG, I am so sorry
I arrived here late.

It is your house.

I know, it's really big.

Do you get lost in it often?

Always.

I get lost everywhere.

Anyway, I forgot
you were coming.

Whoops.

Get back in there.

The right side of my face

is the good side.

Do not shoot the left.

Well, it is such a pleasure
to meet you, London.

Tell me, why are you
allowing us to do

this documentary?

I want my fans
to know the real London.

You've been in America's eye
for two decades,

the product lines,
the family name,

the reality show,
brief jail stint

and, um, is that not
the real London?

That's just my public persona.

So, the real London
is different

than that public image?

Never mind that.

Diana, I'm a stronger woman now.

My lengthy recovery
is a miracle.

You were in the hospital
for under four hours.

It's like I've been reborn.

You know, there are
some people...

I'm not one of them...

Who believe that it's stupid
to idolize celebrities

because they feel that
they're only famous

for being famous.

I'd like to know what
you think about that.

Yeah, I would tell
those people

the answer they seek
is in a book.

By Jesus.

Are you serious?

Well...

no.

Yeah, no, no,

I'm not serious,
of course... not.

But Jesus is.

In fact, he's way too serious.

He's always looking so unhappy.

He needs a makeover.

I'd put him in cargo shorts,
turn the cross to its side,

having him do a sexy elbow lean,

put his hair back in a man bun,

like the mixologist
at the hipster lounges.

Hot.

At any rate,
I think what America wants

is a tell-all interview
answering unedited questions.

America doesn't know
what it wants

until it's told.

London, why do you think
it is that you're famous?

Would you like a tour
of the house?

Can I get you a drink?

Mineral water? Cucumber water?

London water?

Oh, thank you.

These all your dogs?

Oh, yes.

This is Whoopi Goldbark.

Albark Einstein.

And of course,
Samuel L. Jackshound.

Each of them ran away
eventually.

And does London have
any pets now?

Why, yes, London does.

This is Pee-Pee's dog house.

There's a dog in there?

It just seems rather small.

He's a micro-chihuahua,
the world's smallest dog.

I paid $50,000 for him

to some Nigerians I met
on the Internet.

Here he is.

He's a little shy
in the morning.

You paid $50,000 for a gerbil.

London would not pay
$50,000 for a gerbil.

I would not pay
$50,000 for a bergil.

No.

He went poo-poo.

Winston.

Sorry about that.
He's still being house-trained.

But he is so awesome.
Everyone loves him.

Richard Gere even offered
to pet-sit.

♪ Welcome to the high life

♪ Get you some that Gucci,
that Prada ♪

♪ That Dolce Gabbana

♪ Live life like Nirvana

♪ I got the cycle like
a zillionaire ♪

♪ I'm stopping traffic
in my limo ♪

♪ Cutting through Times Square ♪

London, this closet is larger

than some people's homes.

I know, I'm very blessed,
blah, blah, blah.

Look, it's not my fault people
chose to be born ugly or poor.

When you're choosing
your genes in the womb,

you've gotta choose right,
like I did.

You believe you chose this
before you were born

by selecting your genes?

Well, yeah, it's called
natural selection, duh.

Don't you believe in science?

This is my bowling alley.

I'm a really good bowler,
wanna see?

Oh, yes, I'd love to.

Come on, come on, come on.

St-rike!

400 points, whoo!

Alright!

The most you can score in any
bowling game is 300 points.

Maybe at your house.

London has, um,

how should I put it?

Um, uh...

a physical problem
with wearing things twice.

I'm trying. You see, right?

I'm nauseous now.

No, I can't.

I'm literally gonna be sick.

So, she started a charity

and the mission statement
is to dress the needy

in trendy clothing
that London has only worn once.

It's a very worthy cause.

Yes, I'm sure the Nobel
committee will take note.

I am here today to donate
the clothes I won't wear twice

to the poor people,
which is why I'm here

risking my life in the projects.

This is the Calabasas Commons.

Here you go, you sad
little homeless man.

Don't use it to buy drugs.

This is a nine-dollar latte!

Oh, you're not homeless,
you're a hipster.

So hard to tell these days.

I'm still gonna use it
to buy drugs.

Oh, and here's my
very first fragrance,

Moist by London.

And here's my second,
Damp by London.

What's that one?

Oh, that was my fragrance
for fatties.

The only reason
it didn't sell is because

it was misspelled, obviously.

It was supposed to be
Chocolate Mousse,

not Chocolate Mouse.

Fat people don't wanna
smell like mice,

even if it does
involve chocolate.

Didn't you proofread it?

Now I do.

After that, I personally
proofread all of my products.

And check out this new ad
for my latest fragrance.

Your Their by London.

"So they'll never forget
you were... "

I have plenty of other products

aside from fragrances.

Hmmm.

I personally believe
that beauty products

shouldn't discriminate,

which is why I invented
Sunsmack.

Miss Logo, why would
black people need tanning spray?

Diana, that's racist.
I don't associate with racists.

How is that racist? I...

Oh, please, just because
you're British

doesn't mean you're not racist.

Get that! Get that!

This is my reverse sauna.

It's where I do cold yoga.

I invented it.

Sometimes I walk down
this hallway and wonder,

how have I accomplished
so much in one lifetime?

Here's me with the Dollies.

I can never remember
which is which.

And here's me and the President.

Oh, it looks like a bit
of a wardrobe malfunction.

Just another nip slip.

He was such a bitch.

He told me I didn't
take criticism well.

How do you take it?

Not well.

And there's my
pookie bear and I.

Groundbreaking and eccentric
fashion designer Simon Debris

is London's personal designer.

This purse is just too clunky.

I need a clutch.

Honey, any purse is a clutch
if you clutch it.

Ta-da.

Simon looks for inspiration
in unique places.

So, my designs are inspired
by things

in my everyday life, like

the watery stuff
on top of yogurt,

paper clips,

the lint from a dryer,

a scratch 'n sniff
coloring book,

anal beads.

And that's my bestie.

Angelina always helps me
when I don't' know what to do.

She's like my Yoda, except hot.

And busty.

And not a puppet.

Actress Angelina Streisand
achieved fame

in the television version
of Richard Wagner's

"Die Walkure."

She received an Emmy
for Best Horns.

So, you've recently decided
to focus on being a mother.

I have recently decided
to do that.

You know, once you have kids,

you don't have time
for anything else

other than raising
your children.

And taking time off
from raising your kids

to do whatever you want.

Right.

This is Diana Melting-Pot.

It's Smelt-Marlin.

She's the Queen's
go-to journalist.

- Ooh.
- That's not true.

She did that thing
in the Middle East

with all the war people,
you know?

Oh, my God, I loved that.

Oh, you saw it?

Oh, no, honey,
it's just something you say.

Winston, where's that apron
I got you?

Go get it.

Oh, my God, Winston makes
the most delish waffles

Mmmm.

You've ever had in your life.

He makes them with chocolate
and walnuts.

Mmmm, I love me some
big nuts. Yummy! Meow!

Oh, you and me both.

I once tried to cook
by myself,

but it tasted like syphilis.

It seems as though
Winston Spritz has done

crisis management in nearly
every major scandal

of the late 20th century.

Watergate.

Iran-Contra.

Monica Lewinsky.

Roswell.

The Mirren sex-trafficking
scandal.

Hi, I'm Brad Tobacco
and this is "THE KNOW."

So, it seems the Kim sisters

are back up to their old antics.

Although Kristy Kim has not
yet broken the Internet,

she has certainly put a huge
crack in it.

Oh, hell, no, uh-uh,
turn that bitch off.

And as if more people
couldn't be talking

about Kristy Kim,
the soon-to-be mother

has now announced
her baby's name.

Little baby Hashtag...
The symbol, not the word...

Is due by the end of the week.

And it seems Little baby Hashtag

is already trending more
than any other celebrity ever.

Oh my God, she is going
to make a great mother.

Fucking bitch.

She is going to make
a great motherfucking

stupid-ass bitch because
that's what she already is.

And she will always be
a dumb-ass bitch

for the rest of time,
you know, because, like, duh.

That blimp-ass is getting
too big for her britches.

That show should be talking
about me.

I need ideas, people.

Ooh, I got it.

Dangle a baby off a building.

- Great idea, Simon.
- Mmm-hmm.

Angelina, quick, gimme
one of your kids.

What?

What-Not for this thing,

for a completely unrelated
thing.

London, why don't you
just reinvent yourself?

You know, become more modern.

Create a stronger
social presence,

reach out to younger fans.

Seriously, Angelina,
I need real ideas here.

Wow Waffles are ready.

Great.

I'm not hungry anymore!

It seemed we had
touched a nerve.

TV persona Kristy Kim represents
a new celebrity worship,

one of selfies and Buzzfeed
articles.

Kristy Kim blew up, so to speak,

on the reality show
"Phattest Fatties,"

weighing in at a morbid 523 lbs

when the show began.

Dong-Soo lost an astonishing

394 lbs.

All in her upper body.

She then became the spokeswoman

for the Cretaceous diet,

which consists of eating
scientifically reanimated

extinct mesozoic-era plants

and then landed her own show

"Catching Up with the Kims,"

which propelled her
entire family,

including sisters Kara
and Klarc,

into the limelight.

Her highly publicized marriage
to a world-famous DJ

got more coverage than the
President's inauguration.

DJ Microchip.

When early in Microchip's career

another world-famous DJ
suggested he wouldn't

be able to spin
because he was too short

to reach the controls,
here's what Microchip said:

You know what?
Screw Paul Oakendork.

If I put my dick on my head,
I'd be way taller than him.

What happened in there,
London?

Why did that television spot
about Kristy Kim

bother you so much?

She's so by the numbers.

Step one: Become a reality
show superstar.

Step two: Live happily
ever after.

Step three: Make a new
reality show and call it

"Happily Ever After."

Surely there's room
for both of you.

There's no room for anyone
next to that ass.

At least I was an original,
first of my breed

until all those actors
and singers realized

it's easier to party
than it is to act and sing.

Let's talk about children.

Um, do you foresee having
children someday?

When they come out
with one that doesn't shit.

Can you tell me
about London's love interests?

Uh, let's see,
there was Aladdin.

He was a prince of Egypt,
or he said he was.

Um, Robert... psycho.

And I think I'm forgetting
someone else.

Oh, my God!
There was this Latino popstar.

And how did that work out?

Not so much.

I mean, London said with that
Spanish accent,

it felt like she was
banging her housekeeper.

Who else has London dated?

Oh, my God,
how could I forget?

She dated every single
member of the band 4Deep.

All of them?

Yeah, she had to try
them all, so...

The Canadian boy band 4Deep

broke up in 2010,

after the release
of their last album,

"Crosstreams."

So, you call yourselves 4Deep.

Tell me, how did that name
come about?

Oh, Keeth's mom came up
with it.

She is so hot.

I see.

Let me understand this properly,

London dated all four of you
at one time or another.

Sometimes at the same time.

We used to call her the Dyson.

Why?

Never loses suction.

Tell me about Keeth.

Keeth.
I can't believe she did this.

She started to date Keeth
right after he dropped

the "G" bomb

on national TV.

Gonorrhea?

Um, no...

Did he tell her
he had gonorrhea?

Gestational diabetes?

- No.
- No?

Gay.

- Gay?
- Yes.

He came out
of the freakin' closet.

- On television, as gay?
- On television.

While dating her? That's awful.

Yes, but it ended
terribly because

he had a nicer wardrobe
than she did.

She was very jealous of him.

She tried to convert me.

She arranged a three-way
with me, her, and Deryk.

But she fell asleep,
so Keeth and I had

to pleasure each other.

But not in a gay way.

In 2008,

London famously left
Greek shipping heir

Stankos Dedkarkas at the altar.

At the end of the day,
London didn't want

to change her last name
to Dedkarkas.

You know, it was a
marketing decision

more than anything.

Is that a wig?

Did you just ask me that?

- I'm sorry...
- Does it look like a wig?

It doesn't have to be
in the documentary at all,

- but I just...
- I told her.

I knew it, I said,
"This does not look"

"freaking real."

It's beautiful,
it makes your eyes pop,

but I just feel...

Well, thank you.
Um, the truth...

Can you make sure this
doesn't make it

in the interview?
Because she'll kill me.

Of course, absolutely.

Um, London, gets a tad
jealous if we have

the same hair color, so, um,

I always now
have to be brunette.

But you are actually a blonde.

I am.

Is London actually a blonde?

Today she is.

What about your family?
Your parents?

My parents used to have sex
in front of me all the time.

That is disturbing.

Well, not with each other.

Are there any family members

who are particularly
special to you?

Oh, yeah, my cousin Justin.

So, Justin, what do you think
of your cousin London?

Well, she thinks she's famous,

but none of my friends
have heard of her.

Huh.

Anything else?

I don't, I don't really
like her brownies.

They just make me more hungry

and when I eat them,
I get tired.

Really?

Yeah, I think she
puts weed in them.

♪ Everyone's invited,
come on down, down ♪

♪ It's a bangin' party,
say it loud ♪

♪ Come on join the fun,
the time is now ♪

♪ We can show you what
it's all about ♪

I'm confused.

Why did we drive the limo
to the airport?

I thought we were just
going across town

to a Hollywood nightclub.

We are.

Have you ever sat in 405 traffic

on a Friday night?

You can practically
feel yourself aging.

But isn't it only a
20-minute drive?

Yes, but it's
an 18-minute flight.

And then the limo
will pick us up

from the airport with Simon
and drop us off.

And how far from the airport
to the nightclub?

About 20 minutes.

Are you nervous about debuting
your track tonight?

Uh, Miss Smart-Melon?

Everything that London does,
she does for her fans,

so they better fucking love it.

Well, yeah.

I spent so much time
putting that thing together,

like, a full half-hour.

Now if you don't mind,
I'm going to take a nap.

Alright, everybody,
get ready for landing.

Oh, I feel so much better.

Thank you for taking
the time to sit down with me,

DJ Messiah.

Just Messiah.

Tell me, do you write
your own songs?

No.

Then, do you come up
with the beats?

No.

I'm sorry, Messiah,

tell me exactly what it is
that you do.

I combine them.

Ah.

Alright, let's go.

Hey! No, hey!

♪ We got it all,
it's in our sights, yeah ♪

♪ It's never too late
for a second chance ♪

Whoo!

You got a nice ass.

I could be your
mop handle tonight.

What are you doing?
I'm straight.

Oh, yeah, no, totally.

Me, too, obviously.
Have you met me?

Okay, it's his last track
next and then I'm up.

Perfect.

♪ It's a long way to reach
the highest dreams ♪

♪ Gotta reach up and take
this destiny ♪

♪ It's a long way to reach
the highest dreams ♪

♪ I gotta reach up
for your destiny ♪

♪ This is your destiny

And now, I like
to welcome to the stage

the one, the only
human being ever

being paid more than me to DJ,

London Logo!

Hello, Hollywood!

I'm here to blow your mind.

London, I love you!

That's how you DJ.

Pee-Pee!

Pee-Pee!

- Pee-Pee!
- London?

Pee-Pee!
Pee-Pee, where are you?

Who's a good little dog?

Who's a good little Peepers?

Has your... dog gone missing?

Are you totally stupid?!
What does it look like?!

Did Mary Poppins drop you
on your head

when you were a baby?

All that matters is me
finding my little prince.

If I don't find him,
I will seriously die.

And if you die, I would die.

That's really cool of you
and I appreciate it,

but right now,
I need to find Pee-Pee!

I'm gonna check the Pee-Pee cam.

The Pee-Pee cam?

Yes, the world's
smallest camera

for the world's
smallest chihuahua,

the Pee-Pee GoPro.

There's no signal.
Get the dog whistle.

Oh, no.

Shit.

Call the plumber, do it quietly.

I'll try to keep
London occupied.

That's the plumber, I'll get it.

Is Pee-Pee in the toilet again?!

- London, please.
- Oh, my God!

I'm handling it.

Pee-Pee's in
the toilet again?!

Don't worry. I'm handling it.

- Who's responsible?!
- I'm taking care of it.

- London, what is going on?
- Pee-Pee's in the toilet again!

- And?
- Who's responsible for this?!

Was it you, you bug-eyed
little creep?!

This seems like a non-issue.

This is what you all
called me over here for?

Pee-pee in the toilet?

There's supposed to be
pee-pee in the toilet.

Pee and toilet go hand-in-hand
like hot dog in a bun.

Snake in the grass.

Nice round booty
with a thong on it...

No, no, Pee-Pee is the name
of London's pet

and he's trapped somewhere
in the toilet.

Well, now I understand.

Oh, my God, well, you see
where the confusion come from.

Just get him out!
I don't hear him!

Is he dead?

No, he's not dead. He's fine.

This is the best toilet
that could be made.

This is the Fluidmaster 400.

Best toilet in the world.
Fit any booty.

Let me show you something.

Look at this, look at this.

I'm 200 lbs.

Look, I can fit two more
booties on this damn toilet.

Beautiful!
And it got air pockets.

See, he doin' fine in there.

He probably in there
singing to himself.

I don't give a shit
how my toilet works!

Just get him out!

Oh, my goodness, young lady.

Alright.

Are you on
"Housewives of Orange County"?

Come on, get out the way,
young fella.

Let's go.

Get him out! Get him out!

You watch this. You ready?

I want you
to turn the water off.

Just get him out! Get him out!
Get him out!

Get him...

Ugh, I almost deep-throated
Pee-Pee.

- Where is he?
- I don't know.

I think he ran
inside the wall.

Get out of my way.

Right away.

Run!

Thank God he's alright.

Who's a good little Peepers?

Who's a good little guy?

Oh, he smells awful.

Now that the Pee-Pee crisis
was resolved,

we were off to a major bookstore

where London would be
promoting her autobiography,

"I'm Not Insecure, You Are."

I really love these things
because it gives me

a chance to interact
with my fans,

you know, face to face.

Ted!

Hi, London.
I'm already starting to sweat.

I've already signed,
like, ten books for you.

Ted's my stalker.

He, uh, he's been
following me since

I was, what, 13?

I don't know,
when was your first period?

Oh, right, so, 11.

It's been a while,
hasn't it, Ted?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Remember what we decided
about unwanted contact?

It's the only kind I give.

Exactly. Good boy.

I got you a gift.

You shouldn't have.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I got it from the cemetery.

I dug it up with my own hands.

Oh-ho-ho, wow.

When will I be seeing you again?

Oh, you know I don't like
telling you that.

Oh, Ted, you're so
incourageable.

This is why I do what I do.

It's really all for my fans.

Bring a little sunshine
into their lives.

I wouldn't be anywhere
without them.

Isn't that right, Ted?
God damn it, Ted!

London's book is rather short.

I'm sure you've read it
and I'd love to know

what your favorite part
of it is.

Oh, well, the title's
flawless.

Every word in it.

The title that's
five words long?

And I love every single
word in that title.

Tell me about London's book.

- Oh.
- I've read it.

Oh, yes...

I like the part where the, um,

you know, remember that?

- Yeah.
- The part...

- Yeah, yeah.
- I like that.

That was good.

The theme that most
resonated with you is what?

In the book?

That London could write.

It's a delicious book.

What do you mean?

Uh... it's very tasty.

These vague and stumbling
answers led me to believe

those closest to London had not
actually read her book.

So, this is your library.

Yes.

I'm very proud of my collection.

About your book,

I've spoken to several
of your friends

and family members
and none of them

seem to have taken the time
to actually read the book.

How does that make you feel?

Betrayed.

I spent so much time
putting that book together

and it's a window into my soul.

No one can be bothered
to read it?

Well, I read your book
and I found it fascinating.

What was your favorite part
to write?

Oh, you know... every page.

From page one to...
I would say... 203.

It's 60 pages, London.

Well... yeah...
the second draft.

Darn those editors.

You did write your
autobiography, correct?

Well... well...

You had a ghost writer?

What? I hate scary stories.

Did you at least read it?

Uh, you know, I don't
read much of anything,

except things printed
on t-shirts.

London, do you actually
know what an autobiography is?

Something about autos? Cars?

Personally, I like
the ruminations

on the arbitrary nature
of celebrityhood.

Hmm.

It's a very accessible
narrative.

For me, the book was about

the loneliness-the loneliness
of an oversexualized

young woman who's unwillingly
turned into an icon.

I think London captured
that perfectly.

London...

or you?

Look at the time.

You've got to be kidding me.

Oh, London, hi!

What are you doing here,
bitch?

I'm stealing your thunder.

Looks like you've been
hiding my thunder

in your thighs.

Oh, this is gonna be
so much fun.

Can you tell me,
in your opinion,

why anyone at all should care
about Kristy Kim's bottom?

Because it is the dark void

into which Millennial
culture is being consumed.

It's the pop culture
plastic-y death

of the universe.

We obsess about a woman
whose ass has more personality

than she does.

Miss Logo, I must admit
I am struck

by your sophistication.

Where has all of that
been hiding?

Oh, right here on my arm.

And a little on my thigh.

Good ol' Winston.

Out to who?

You can make it out
to Empathy.

Oh, my God, that is adorable.

It's not even a duck-face.

It's a swan-face.

I think it's awesome
that you tattooed

"Fuck Cancer" across your tits.

It's such a brave statement.

The chapter that you wrote
about finding your strength

as a woman was so inspiring
to me.

It made me want to do
something more with my life.

So, I applied to Harvard
and I got into pre-med.

Oh, my God, that is so cool!

Really? Thank you.

That means so much
coming from you.

I'm obviously joking.

If there was a dork holocaust,

you'd be first on the train.

Next!

But you didn't sign my book.

Hi.

Why are my fans total nerds?

Personally, I think it's a
wonderful accomplishment.

That you've empowered
so many women.

These are not my fans.

This book has opened up

a whole new demographic for you.

No, no, no, no, no!
My fans are like Kristy's.

Look at how awesome they are.

Whoo!

Hey, Kristy,
how's it going over here?

Oh, it's great.

You know, my fans
are so awesome.

Look what one of them got me.

It's a teeny bikini
for little baby Hashtag.

I thought Hashtag was a boy.

Well, right now, yes,
but we don't know

what his ultimate
gender identity's gonna be.

Why are you here, London?

Now, Kristy, you know
our fans overlap.

I figured I'd come over here
and say hi to some of my peeps.

Hey, guys, I just wanted
to thank you all for...

Hey, get to the back
of the line, lady!

That's... real funny.

You guys, it's me,
it's London Logo,

you silly gooses.

We don't care what
your name is.

Stop holding up the line!

And it's "geese."

Why are you correcting
my grammar?!

Where did you learn to do that

with the ice pop?

My step-brother.

I'm calling Julius,
he'll know what to do.

The story of Julius Catal,
as London tells it,

is full of mystery.

Born to a poor Colombian family,

he discovered at a young age
that he could communicate

with animals.

But after a bit of digging,

I learned that Señor Catal is...

I'm an actor.

My name's David Goldman.

I studied improv
at UCB in New York

and I used to do
stand-up at the Laugh Factory.

You're playing a character?

She saw me on YouTube
doing a Cesar Millan parody

and she thought it was real.

It wasn't even good.

But, uh, ever since that day,

I've been on the payroll.

Como estas, mi amor?

Not too good, Julius.

I really need your advice.

Let's go outside.

London, that is
dominant behavior!

I am the pack leader.
I will lead us to the back.

So, London doesn't know.

You think I'm gonna tell her?

I see her one day a week
and this is my only job.

I mean, am I on Broadway? No.

Am I famous? No.

But, damn, the money's good.

Pee-Pee feels he is not
like the other dogs.

Like me.

He feels that no one
understands him.

Like me!

He feels like he is
constantly wearing a disguise,

a very expensive
and fashionable disguise,

but a disguise nonetheless.

And he's scared that someday

everyone will see him
for what he truly is.

A phony.

A gerbil.

A what?

So, let me guess, my dear,

you are sad because
your career is declining.

Anything with the word
"rear" bothers you.

And you feel abandoned

by your closest friends.

OMG, how do you know?

I watch TMZ.

In the same way I know
Pee-Pee wants a biscuit.

No-a cookie.

Oh, you're good.

On another subject,
I must warn you.

There is an alpha-female
challenging the heiress-archy.

Kristy.

She wants to take your place.

You cannot let her, London.

You must bark and bite
and assert yourself.

Piss where she pisses
if you have to.

Challenge her dominance.

Oh, hell, no.

Tell me, London, what is it?

Look at this.
She posted it on Facebook

and on Twitter.

"Loved your book."

"It's a shame people
don't know about it."

Oh, it's on, baby.

The gloves are comin' on.

Off.

I thought people wore gloves
in history for fights.

Yes, but no.

Well, the kid gloves
are coming off

and the adult gloves
are coming on.

May I suggest an alternative?

Fine, what is it?

London, you approve?

"Sorry for being selfish.

"You truly inspire women
all over the world.

"No reason to fight"?

Hashtag Girls Unite,
Hashtag Forgiveness.

That is my girl.

Thanks, Julius,
you're totally the best.

Gracias, mi amor.

Now, go get that fame whore
wannabe.

- Want a treat?
- Mmm!

Go fetch my check.

Tonight, poison leaks
into the children's water supply

at Pacoima Elementary.

But first,
the later news from Twitter.

Is London Logo a new hero
in the war

against cyber-bullying?

Her response to Kristy Kim's
vitriol shows

an incredible maturity.

Hey, hey, hey,
calm down, calm down.

Sorry. It's okay, Mel.

Mel, listen to me.

No, it's called
plausible deniability.

No, no, it doesn't matter
how much blood there is.

Mmm! What? That...

That is a lot of blood.
Okay, uh...

Hey, hey, listen, it's okay.

You didn't know koalas
are allergic to cocaine.

No, stop crying,
just take a breath.

Good, now say it with me,

"I didn't know koalas
are allergic to cocaine."

See, it's easy!

Yeah, the cops will
believe that.

Alright, so I'm sending
my assistant over.

She'll be there within the hour

and, um, just this time,
please, pretty please,

don't fuck her, okay?

You gave the last one chlamydia.

Okay, talk to you soon, bye!

London, baby, hey,
I am so sorry about that.

Hey, Louie.

Listen, I just have
to finish up some biz,

but I am listening
to every word.

Did you see my
Twitter battle yesterday?

Of course.

Kristy now has more
Twitter followers than I do.

Great. Oh, great!

Louie, that's bad.

Wait, what? I'm sorry.

Yeah, Kristy has
more followers.

Nnn-no!

Ooooh-ooooh-oooh,
that just makes me so mad!

Okay, she-she has crossed
the line, alright?

We're gonna figure
something out, okay?

My little London is not
gonna be standing

in the shadows of some...
cunt dragon.

Sorry, shhh.

Hi, Amanda.

Yeah, I can't get you back
on Nickelodeon.

Sorry, you're too old now.

So, just call me when
you're 17 again. Alright?

Bye.

Okay, let's think about this.

Give me a second.

Got it!

Synergy on social networking,
huh?

Yeah.

Aww, speaking of that,
I wish we could just do

a sequel to your sex tape.

You know, maybe get two guys.

Your partner on the tape
was Mr. Iron Mike Tyson.

Correct? And he is the one
who released it.

Yes, completely without
my consent.

And you said Mr. Tyson
went public with the tape

in order to embarrass you.

There are some people who

think that the timing
of the release is a bit

curious.

What? Sometimes I take
a while.

No, um... no, what I'm trying
to say is that

the tape was released
just before the first episode

of your hit television series
"The Heir Heads."

Are you saying I released
the tape myself?

No, not... not necessarily.

Now, you maintain that
the tape clearly shows

you making love to Mike Tyson

and then passionately
biting his ear off.

Mr. Tyson, however, denies
even being in

the video.

Hey, that brother in that
London tape, that isn't me.

Come on, man, that's some
kind of impersonator.

His tattoo's on the wrong side
of his face.

And plus, I have both my ears.

Man, you need to look for
a brother with a hole

on the left side
of his head, not me.

Hey! Listen to me.

Turn that frown upside down,
alright?

Your sex tape is the one
that started it all.

Teenage boys in every language
across the globe

still jerk off
to that tape, okay?

It is true,
I am still getting royalties.

But that survivor's meeting
you made me go to

was horrible.

We have a new member
this week.

Everyone, please welcome
London Logo.

Welcome, London.

This is a safe place.

This is our circle of consent.

What the accused did to me
was unspeakable.

I wouldn't wish it
upon my worst frenemies.

I only hope that my...

um...

electronic rape can help
some girls out there speak up

like the Cosby girls have.

You mean your sex tape?

Well, yeah.

But that tape clearly
shows consensual sex.

Duh, the sex was
totally outstanding.

It's that he released it
to the world

without my consent,
which is electronic rape.

Oh, please!

There are people here

who have actually been
sexually abused, miss.

What are you gonna claim next?

That you're a victim
because a guy didn't take you

on a big enough shopping spree

after you had sex with him?

Poor you.

Who's next?

Perfect.

So, she is ostensibly
your client.

Yeah, yeah, no,
she's not an ostrich, though.

What'd you say?
Never mind, so-

- Ostensibly?
- It's okay. So, um...

You're using big
British words.

This is America.
Let's start over, though.

Okay.
Welcome to across the Pond.

Speak like people speak
over here.

Do you have any opinions
on the line of cosmetics

- Oh, yeah.
- For infants? Yeah.

London will always say
it was her idea,

but to be fair,
infant makeup line

was totally my idea
because I look at baby pictures

and they just look like
old men and old women.

They just look like crinkled
old Italian guys.

It looks like ex-cast members
of "The Sopranos," like,

"I'm a baby, look at me.
I'm so fuckin' fat and ugly."

So, what I was thinking is,

look, if you can just
lift it up a little bit

and put some makeup on it
and just zhuzh 'em up

a little bit.

- Zhuzh?
- Zhuzh 'em up!

We gotta think
of something fast.

Kristy Kim's ever-growing ass
is casting a shadow

on London's career.

It's literally shoving her
off of front covers.

I believe you're using
the term "literally" wrong.

I'm using it correctly.

- Oh.
- Mmmm.

We gotta put a lid on that.

That ass is huge.

That ass looks like
Nicki Minaj's ass

learned algebra and
became an exponential

bigger version of itself.

Do you truly believe
that London has talent?

Do I believe
that London has talent?

Yeah.

Talent-Define what
you think talent means.

Um, a gift...

You know what?
Just-I'm sure it's great,

but here's what I think
talent means.

Okay.

To think there was
a time when,

if you Googled London,

I came up before the country.

City.

I don't need a geology
lesson right now, okay?

Okay, okay, hey, hey,
you two, hey.

Let's just think
of some ideas here.

I could reach out to Rochelle.

Maybe do a reality show reunion?

Oh, my God.

Jesus, are you in the room?
Are you here?

Because that was as beautiful
as the Second Coming of Christ!

You brilliant bitch!

Daughter of an oil tycoon,

Rochelle Ritzy used
her father's money

to fund her career.

When producers were casting
London's reality show,

"Heir Heads," Rochelle was
at the top of the list.

Their chemistry was undeniable.

Often described as
the "odd couple,"

if Felix was awful
and Oscar was a black woman,

their show lasted six seasons.

They became famous for their
annoying catchphrases,

"That's so ratchet" and
"Well, yeah."

Oh, this mop is ratchet!

Well, yeah!

Mmmm, this doughnut
is ratchet.

Well, yeah.

Oh, this ratchet is ratchet!

Well, yeah.

Their strained relationship
was great for ratings,

but not for each other.

Things eventually turned sour.

Rochelle was really
struggling with her addiction.

Hi, my name is
Rochelle Ritzy and...

I'm a sex addict.

Wow.

It turns out, she has
this weird specific fetish

for big, hairy, well-groomed

lumberjack guys.

It's true.

I'm addicted to lumber-sexuals.

This hatchet is ratchet!

Well, yeah.

Let me help you with that.

This is how you lumberjack it
in the woods.

Oh, gross.

Why don't I introduce you
to the boys?

Lumberjacks... assemble!

Why don't you say hi?

Hi, boys.

At the end of this episode,

Rochelle disappeared.

No one has seen her since.

As before, London insisted
on taking her jet

from one L.A. area airport
to another.

She said flying private
is her "birthright"

as a celebutante.

Oh, my God, this can't be
where she lives.

Why does she have so many doors?

It's called an
apartment building.

Ah, 108.

I told you we had
the wrong place.

This is obviously some
ugly people orphanage.

London.

Fine.

No, no, no, London, it's me.

Rochelle?

Sorry about the mess,

I'm just gonna put
the baby down.

Please, sit,
make yourself at home.

Sorry about that.

I can't believe
you have a baby.

Apparently, constant
unprotected and anonymous sex

can get you more than
just herpes.

So, I guess you're just
a babysitter now?

I actually work at Reebok.

Ah, that must be where
the smell of feet

is coming from.

What happened to all your money?

Uh, I don't know.

We lost it

at some Inron or Bernie Madoff
or some shit.

I will put you to bed forever!

So, London, it's been
a long time.

What are you doing here?

Actually, I have something
I really wanna talk

to you about.

Shall we go get a drink,
just get out of here?

Oh, God, yes, please.

Um, but what about my little...

Oh, don't worry about
him-slash-her-slash-it.

Winston can take good care
of babies.

I said I'd go to a bar,
not a bar in another state.

Trust me, Rochelle,
you're gonna love this.

Oh, yes.

Hello.

I will have a vodka cosmopolitan

with one mint leaf and a cherry.

And for my bestie,
a dirty martini,

extra dirty, upside down.

Yeah.

A drink's a drink.

Yeah.

Rochelle, I think I can
fix all your worries.

Okay, picture this:

London and Rochelle
together again.

- What?
- A one-night stage reunion!

Oh, no, London, I can't.

Of course you can!
We'll use cue cards.

No, I mean the life.

I can't go down that road again.

It was a dark and lonely path.

As a sexoholic,

you're constantly trying
to fill a void.

And that void got filled!

Let's make a new void
and fill it together!

London, you don't understand
what it's like to be

in a room full of people
and feel completely alone.

If I dip even a toe
back into that world,

it could set me back years.

I can't take that risk.

You know what?
We should probably just go.

Let's just get out of here.
Rochelle, wait.

Okay, I know how it feels.

I feel the same way.

In fact, I've felt this so long,
I think I'm numb to it

and maybe that's why I'm here.

Maybe you're the only real
friend I've ever really had.

We weren't friends, London.

Our relationship was volatile.

Was it, or were we just
playing it up

for the cameras?

Remember the season
of "Heir Heads"

when we were au pairs
for the immigrant Asian family?

And we took all day to teach
their child one phrase?

Yeah.

"Kung Pao chicken
with white lice."

We were so dumb!

And super racist.

Just stay.

Forget the on-air reunion.

But don't leave me
for this off-air reunion.

Just a couple more drinks.

Okay, just don't let me
get too drunk.

You know how I get.

Of course.

What am I supposed
to do with this?

I'm not really supposed
to interact with you.

Whoo-hoo!

This bar is ratchet!

It's totally ratchet!

She said it, guys.
She said it!

Whose dick do I have to suck
to get some dick around here?!

This is so ratchet!

Rochelle Ritzy is back,
you bitches!

Whoa!

Yeah!

Who put that air there?

Oh, my God, London, look at him.

It feels like somebody put
fire ants up my coochie.

Mmm, well, the best way
to get rid of fire ants is

to pour a mixture of vinegar
and baking soda down the

ant hole.

So knowledgeable about nature.

Can't resist.

Get your baking soda ready
because this ant hole

needs some pouring.

Would like to come
with me to my cabin?

Huh.

This is the best night
of my life.

Do you see what happens
when London and Rochelle

get back together?

You know what?

I will do that reunion.

- You will?
- Mmm, hell yeah.

Social media's aflutter

with London and Rochellle
reunion talk.

This will surely be
the media event

that specific one-hour block.

Welcome back, London.

After waiting two whole days,

we're gonna finally see

our favorite couple
get back together

after barely talking
for-for years.

I'm excited. Are you excited?

As I'll ever be.

Well, let's bring her out.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Rochelle Ritzy.

Come over here.

Oh, honey, you look like you
fell asleep in a ditch.

I did.

So, are you going to apologize?

For what, being more famous
than you?

No, for alienating everyone
who tries to get close to you.

Pshhh, as if.

You're the Queen
of the ratchets.

London, I'm not gonna
help you play your game,

not this time.

Do you wanna know why
you haven't seen me in years?

You have leaves in your hair.

There was no big fight.

There was no huge blowout.

I... left because I wanted
to grow up.

Which is what I did.

And, London, you just...

haven't.

Don't you turn your back
on me,

you heinous bitch emperor.

No one turns their back
on London Logo.

Sure they do.

So you can stick the knife in.

Oooh, caustic.

Now, you've had London Logo
on your show

at least a dozen times
over the years.

I'd love to ask you:

What do you think of her?

I could say that
she's spoiled, self-indulgent,

irresponsible and talentless.

I could say that, but I won't

Why not?

The same reason I wouldn't
say that about Donald Trump.

I don't understand what
Donald Trump

and London Logo have in common.

London Logo is young
and beautiful

and she has perfect skin
and hair.

And Mr. Trump...

doesn't.

London and The Donald,
they're the same thing.

They represent the same thing,

ratings.

Ratings.

Ratings are catching on.

Is London a terrible person?

Viewers of the much-anticipated

Rochelle Ritzy reunion
seemed to think so.

And that's pretty much everyone.

So, everyone thinks

London is the worst.

And that's how that math
checks out.

This is my favorite
little hidden beach.

I always come here

when I'm in a bad mood.

It's, like,
metaphorical, you know?

Interesting. How so?

If London isn't liking things,

she seeks the peace
the ocean brings.

That's less metaphorical

and more just something
that rhymes.

Oh, my God!

See? Already the day
gets better!

Ted, what are you doing here?
Come and say hi.

From a reasonable distance.

Hi, London.
I didn't see you here.

Oh, right, you didn't see me.

Quit playing coy, Ted.

That's a little stalker humor.

Ted, you would not believe
the day I've been having.

What's that in your hand?
Eh...

That another present for me?

It's not, no.

It's... I... uh...

Uh...

Is this from that time
I dyed my hair dark

for that movie
"Smart Twin/Dumb Twin"?

Oh, my God, Kristy!
It's the freak again!

London, it's not what
it looks like.

Are you stalking Kristy now?

It doesn't mean I'm obsessed
with you any less.

Do you go through her trash?

Ted, I asked you a question.

Do you or do you not
go through her trash?

Yes! Okay?

Yes, and I like it!

It's roomier.

I can sleep in there
all day if I want.

Wait, you sleep in my trash?!

I'm sorry, London,
I didn't want you

to find out this way, but...

I'm stalking Kristy now.

Don't touch my sister!

Joke's on you.

I find abuse highly erotic.

Kristy, have you seen
"Tammy and the Brontosaurus"?

What are you...

They make her say lots
of science-y things.

It's hilarious.
Uh-oh, fag-gettios.

Uh, this isn't great.

I can understand Simon
two-timing me

because he's a world-famous
designer.

But you, Angelina?

London, I'm sorry.

No, I don't wanna hear
"I'm sorry, London."

I have been your Yoda
with great tits

for years and wore this
stupid wig for you.

And you haven't seen
one damn movie of mine.

Kristy cares.

Or at least she pretends
she does

and that's a friend,
someone who pretends

to give a shit
about your movies.

I loved you
in "Criminal Hearts."

Oh, my God,
even your psycho stalker

has seen the shit
I did on cable!

You were very sexy in it.

Thank you.

Shut up, Ted!

Unh.

Okay, you know what?
I've heard enough.

Winston, fire Angelina.

Angelina, uh,
you've been terminated

by Miss Logo.

You can leave your keys with me.

How can I be fired?
I don't work for her.

And I don't have any keys!

I know.

Sycophant.

I know.

I don't appreciate
what you just did there

to my friends.

What-ever.

Klarc, here, hold my bag.

I'm gonna destroy this
pencil-neck, pasty white ho.

Oh, come on,

like I'm gonna fight
a pregnant chick.

London!
London, are you alright?!

Let's be civilized!

We're not savages... Ahhh!

You always think
you're one step ahead.

Soon, you'll be left behind
by the fans

who once loved you.

Oh, London, I have
a child on the way

that's gonna keep me on top

for the next 18 years.

Hashtag babymakesbucks.

I know your secret.

I could completely ruin you.

Maybe.

London, I'm sorry.

How could you not know
Simon was with Kristy?

How'd you not know Ted
was cheating on me?

And how the hell have I not seen

any of Angelina's movies?

You're paid to know
these things, Winston.

You're paid extremely well.

I guess...

No, I don't wanna hear
your bullshit, Winston.

You're fired.

What?

Did I speak in an accent?

Just tell me one thing.

Where's my car parked?

The day's events
would have taken their toll

on any rational human being

and therefore, no one
could've expected

London would take it this hard.

Footage of London pushing
a pregnant Kristy Kim

has us all wondering:

Has London Logo completely
lost it?

London?

I was hoping to talk
to you about everything

that just happened.

Sure, let's chat.

Can you tell me what happened
back there at the beach?

Yeah, just Kristy Kim
being a bitch, yet again.

You said something to Kristy.

You said, "I know your secret."

What secret?

Oh, that was nothing.

London, how am I supposed
to do my job

if you don't answer
my questions?

I don't know, it's your job.

Well, are you upset?

About what?!

Well, all of your friends,
your closest confidantes,

- they left you.
- Who needs them?

Everyone needs friends,
London.

Not me. Okay?

And-and if I want a friend,

I can just call my manager

and I'll have a couple
of them like that.

Something's up with this chair.

Do you hear water dripping?

Listen, that drip-drip.

Do you hear that from somewhere?

No, I-I-I don't.

You do realize that's
not how friendship works.

Not for most people,
but I'm London Logo.

I'm an icon.

Women want to be me

and men want to have
a sex change to be me.

Sometimes, that just means
you have to shed

the dead weight.

God damn it,
this chair is bullshit!

London, are you alright?

- Do you care?
- Of course I care.

No, you don't!

You're just trying to use me.

I thought you would be
smart enough

to figure me out.

But I'm not gonna hold your hand

and walk you to that answer.

London, I didn't mean to...

- Get out.
- What?

I said just get out.

I'm not gonna be someone
you can use

to make a name for yourself,

especially if that name
is Diana Smelt-Marlin

because it's fucking awful!

- London, please.
- Get out!

Just get out!

Get out, like everybody else
just leaves me in my life.

Just go!

And you leave, too!

And you, get out!

I would've left it at that,

but something left me unsettled.

So, I scoured all my footage
and what I found

could shock all of America.

But before I could confront her,

this happened.

London Logo arrested today

in an incredibly bizarre
series of events.

We have footage that shows
she may be

a few beads shy
of a full pearl necklace.

Get me out of this thing!

Don't do this to me!

I ain't a bag of groceries!
I am DJ Microchip!

I don't care who you were.
You're mine now!

I can't be seen riding
around in a shopping cart.

Get me out of this thing!

You crazy ho.

I know people!

- Vive la France!
- What the?!

Screw you!

Vive la France!

I don't wanna tase you, ma'am.

Yeah, you do. Tase the bitch!

Vive la France!

That's right.

Crazy chick!

No word yet on the charges,

but we'll keep you updated
as we know more.

More importantly,
little baby Hashtag

was delivered safely
this evening.

Insta-MILF Kristy Kim
reminds us that

moms who can't shed
baby weight instantly

are lazy

and no one would want
to have sex with them again.

Against the wall.

Number One,

step forward, say your words.

Vive la France.

Vive France.

Vive la France.

Vive la France!

That's the one, that's her!

♪ Lord, I feel like I'm dying ♪

♪ You know I look
like I'm dying ♪

♪ Lord knows that I'm dying ♪

♪ Oh, I feel...

Excuse me.

Please remove
your belt buckle,

earrings, necklace,
anything with metal in it.

Do not touch the glass,
do not approach the glass,

no sudden movements.

Do not hand her any pens,
pencils,

anything with staples,
paper clips.

If she attempts
to hand you something,

do not accept it.

Excuse me, but is all this
really necessary?

She's a convicted murderer
and rapist.

We have these rules in place,
ma'am, for a reason.

Would you like to see our...

London Logo a murderer?

Oh.

Sorry.

Thought you were here
to see Chugs.

Let see, alright...

Do not blow her kisses.

Do not pass her any tweets,

Instagram photos, makeup,

anything in pink.

Is that clear?

How are you holding up?

It's a nightmare in here.

The toilet seats aren't heated.

This is so unfair.

Why does this always happen
to me?

There's something I think
you should see.

I had a Joan of Arc meltdown

and people still care more
about Kristy

and that runt Hashtag?

I've been a journalist
long enough to recognize

when I am being deceived.

Okay, and?

Going through some
of my footage,

I found...

this.

Do you see that fake belly?

Kristy Kim wasn't pregnant,
London.

What-what are you
talking about?

And you've known this
the whole time, haven't you?

If you want me to continue
to participate

in this documentary,

you'll give the footage
to Winston

and do not keep any copies.

Alright.

Good.

It was all a scheme.

Kristy wanted to impress
America by showing

how quickly she could lose
the pregnancy weight.

So, who's the
real mother then?

It's her sister Klarc.

Kristy's the mother,
but Klarc's the surrogate.

No one noticed
because she's the fat one.

You could share this
with all of America.

What's the point?
America hates me now.

That's because they think
you pushed a pregnant woman

and kidnapped a midget.

This would redeem you
in the public eye.

Alright, I'll do it.

I'll do the tell-all interview.

London, that's incredible.

No more tricks,
no more faking it.

I'll have everything arranged.

Can you do me favor, too?

Will you check on my...
gerbil for me?

Don't you mean your
micro-chihuahua?

Oh, please, I know what he is.

But I love him anyway.

Sitting there,

I began to see everything
clearly.

The lid was about to
flip its shit,

so to speak.

Good evening, Miss Logo.

Good evening,
Miss Smelt-Marlin.

Good evening, America.

I think the question
that all of America

wants answered is:
Why did you attack Kristy Kim?

I've done my time, Diana.

I was young and I was wrong.

That was two days ago.

We'll get back to that.

You were recently reunited
with your former best friend,

Rochelle Ritzy.

Can you at last finally
tell America

what went wrong
between the two of you?

Rochelle was really
struggling with her addiction.

The show wasn't a good
environment for her

and I was the one that
suggested she take a break.

So, then, why pretend to feud?

It's what the
producers wanted.

It was all staged.

So, then, what else do we
not know about you?

What else has been staged?

Well, people think
I'm a drug addict,

that's not true.

But there's so much pressure
to be a party girl

in Hollywood.

If you're not,
you're an outsider.

What about all the drugs
I found

in your bathroom cabinet?

Flintstone vitamins.

Look, people in my position
sometimes do crazy,

immoral things to stay relevant.

Which brings us back
to Kristy Kim.

Wasn't there a very specific,
particular reason,

which we talked about earlier?

There is no good reason
to push a pregnant woman,

Miss Smelt-Marlin.

But she...

Oh, shit.

The fame, the pressure,
I've lived with it all my life.

I finally just cracked.

Which is why I've decided
to retire from the business.

I'm sorry, you're what?

The competition,
the consumerism...

I can't do it anymore.

I need to live simply.

I'll probably move out
into the desert.

I wanna live a simple,
spiritual life,

like the Dalai Parton.

I know that America
will never forgive me

and I'm not asking for that.

So, what are you
asking for, London?

Don't forget me.
Never forget me.

So, I was left with more
questions than answers.

Is London more than just a logo

for American superficiality?

Is this really the end
of her empire?

To find out, I'd have to wait.

Winston makes the best
cactus waffles

in the entire desert.

Oh! This hatchet is

a very effective tool.

This piece was inspired
by the indigenous peoples

of the high desert.

Keep looming!

Old-fashioned looming

helps keep my upper body
in shape.

Watch "Heir Heads:
Happily Ever After"

every Sunday at 8PM.

Oooh.

Do you know how much blow
I could buy with this?

I would totally roll
around in it,

but London told me that
money contains

a certain amount
of fecal matter.

We're getting married in
Cathedral Grove in Muir Woods.

My wedding dress is plaid.

Well, I've always wanted
to collaborate with London.

And she finally made me an offer

I just couldn't refuse.

God damn it, Klarc,
you make a terrible wet nurse.

- You know we made her.
- And we could make another.

- Could we not and just screw?
- What?

I got the lead in the remake
of "Sophie's Choice."

And yes, London was
at the premiere.

The best part?

London let me be blonde again.

London taught me
to embrace who I really am,

a lumber-sexual nymphomaniac.

She planned everything
all along, didn't she?

I will admit...

that's the most delicious
drink I've ever made.

I was drawn to an early
discussion with London

in which she talked
about Kristy Kim.

I realized she'd actually
been describing herself.

She so by-the-numbers.

Step one: Become a reality show
superstar.

Step two: Live happily
ever after.

Step three: Make a new
reality show and call it

"Happily Ever After."

So, London, this is it,

the end to your coup de grace.

For the record,
I don't have cooties,

but, yeah, I guess it is.

Your products are selling
better than ever before.

Your fame has just
absolutely skyrocketed

and your illustrious brand
is at an all-time high.

So, I have to ask:

Did you plan all of this
ahead of time?

Maybe, or maybe we just
caught lightning in a bottle.

You do realize,
of course, that

this documentary's
going to expose Kristy Kim.

Isn't that funny
that this documentary

premieres just two days
before our new reality show?

It's just so funny.

But it's not an accident,
is it, London?

Even this documentary.

You asked me six months ago,

why am I famous?

To be honest, I don't know.

I didn't choose this.

Look at everything
that was handed to me,

everything I was born with.

I won the Mega-billions
gene lottery.

I don't get it, I don't force
people to buy things.

They just do.

That's American capitalism
in its darkest hour.

Do you really believe
all that, London?

Hell no.

I'm famous 'cause
I'm London Logo.

♪ Green light, green light ♪

♪ Never gonna slow down,
slow down ♪

♪ Always going uptown, uptown ♪

♪ We're livin' the good life

♪ Come through, come through

♪ Tryin' to live like we do,
we do ♪

♪ We just tryin'
to stay true, stay true ♪

♪ We're livin' the good life

♪ Life

♪ This is the life

♪ This is the life

♪ This is the life

♪ This is the life

♪ This is the life

♪ This is the life

♪ This is the life

♪ All the lights
are flashin', flashin' ♪

Uh, you know, I don't read much
of anything,

except things printed
on t-shirts.

And that's a friend!
Someone who pretends

to give a shit
about your movies!

Are you on
"Housewives of Orange County"?

His tattoo's on the
wrong side of his face.

And plus, I have both my ears.

London and The Donald,
they're the same thing.

♪ This is the life

You paid $50,000 for a gerbil.

I fed her a few Ambien,

flew the plane around
for about an hour.

Money-saving thing on my part.

Well, she didn't let the fact

that she was born without skills

or a personality stop her
from being famous.

You got a nice ass.

I could be your mop handle
tonight.

Rochelle Ritzy is back,
you bitches!

Go fetch my check.

♪ This is the life

You're using big
British words,

this is America.
Let's start over. Okay.

Welcome to across the Pond.

I don't know,
when was your first period?

♪ This is the life

Poison leaks into
the children's water supply

at Pacoima Elementary.

But first,
the latest news from Twitter.

♪ Modern day

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ Oh

♪ Modern day

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ She's got you glued
to the book ♪

♪ She's got you hooked

♪ And what I'm breathing
for this time ♪

♪ She got what she wanted

♪ She's a modern day Mona Lisa ♪

♪ Living on the cover
of a magazine ♪

♪ Modern day

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ She's got your attention

♪ Soon she'll haunt
all of your dreams ♪

♪ Modern day

♪ Oh

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ Modern day

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ Tryin' to turn the page

♪ You flip to the cover

♪ Oh

♪ Can't get enough,
can't get enough ♪

♪ No

♪ Oh

♪ It's her hair, it's her skin ♪

♪ The dress that she's in ♪

♪ Oh, you're in love,
you're in love ♪

♪ She's got you
glued to the book ♪

♪ She's got you hooked

♪ You're living in a day dream

♪ She got what she wanted

♪ She's a modern day Mona Lisa ♪

♪ Living on the cover
of a magazine ♪

♪ Modern day

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ She's got your attention

♪ Soon she'll haunt
all of your... ♪

♪ Modern Day

♪ Dreams

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ Living on the cover
of a magazine ♪

♪ Modern day

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ She's got your attention

♪ Soon she'll haunt
all of your dreams ♪

♪ Modern day

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ Modern Day

♪ My modern day

♪ Mona Lisa

♪ Yeah

♪ Modern day

♪ Mona Lisa