Reality Bites (1994) - full transcript

In this study of Generation X manners, Lelaina, the valedictorian of her college class, camcords her friends in a mock documentary of posteducation life. Troy is her best friend, a perpetually unemployed musical slacker. Vickie is a manager at the Gap who worries about the results of an AIDS test, while Sammy has problems grappling with his sexuality. When Lelaina meets Michael, an earnest video executive who takes her homemade video to his MTV-like station, she must decide what she values--the materialism of yuppie Michael or the philosophical musings of Troy.

They wonder why those of us
in our twenties

refuse to work
an 80-hour week

just so we can afford
to buy their BMWs,

why we aren't interested
in the counterculture
that they invented,

as if we did not see them
disembowel their revolution

for a pair of running shoes.

Whoo! Yeah!
But the question remains,

what are we going to do now?

How can we repair
all the damage we inherited?

Fellow graduates,
the answer is simple.

The answer is...

I don't know.

Good save, Lelaina.

I'm not a valedictorian,
but I play one on TV.

We all know you slept
your way to the podium.

My favorite part
about graduating now will be

my student loan officer
for the rest of my life.

He will be in cahoots
with the Columbia Record
and Tape Company guy.

Been after my ass for years.

Troy Dyer.
Brought you back
a souvenir.

You could still
go back next year
and graduate,

still get
your BFA.
Oh, can I?

And then I can hang this
on my rearview mirror

to brag to all my
good buddies back home
that I graduated.

Well, I'm through
with the whole wank-a-rama.

Well, I know this sounds
cornball, but, um,

I'd like to somehow
make a difference
in people's lives.

And I... I would like to
buy them all a Coke.

And you wonder why
we never got involved.

Three words,
November 16, 199...

Oh, totally drunk.
It would have been
a poetic experience,

if I weren't such a gentleman.

Just let it go, Dyer.
Surrender the fantasy.

Hey, Sammy, what's your goal?

My goal is to...

I'd like a career or something.

I think the moment has been
appropriately captured.

Could you please
take your face
out of the camera?

Come on.
It's for my documentary.

Her documentary.

Think fast.

Here's the deal.

I'm gonna take Sam
against his will

and straighten him out,

because I believe if
we can get two women
on the Supreme Court,

we can get at least one
on you, Sam.

I'm Superman.
I can fly.

She's toasted.

Quick, Vickie,
what's your
Social Security?

Uh, 851-25-9357.

Very impressive.

It's the only thing
I really learned in college.

Sometimes I get

that not-so-fresh feeling.

Conjunction junction
What's your function?

Hookin' up words
and phrases and clauses

Conjunction junction
How's that function?

I got three favorite cars

They get most of my job done

Honey, honey.
Let me do it for you.
No, no.

Is yours good?
I don't think
it's very fresh.

I'm sorry.

Well, I guess it's about
time for me to give you
your graduation present.

Your gas card.
I'll pay that bill
for one year.

And since Helen Anne's
got herself a brand-new

we're gonna give you
her old BMW.

You pick it up at our house.


Tom, didn't you listen
to her speech today?

She doesn't want a BMW.

Mom, I'll handle this.
I'm not gonna sit here

and listen to some
strange ethical argument
about a damn car.

It's got four wheels.
It runs well.

After you've been
in the real world, you're
gonna appreciate that car.

Just think of all those
starving children in Africa
that don't even have cars.

Troy, does your father
give you gifts like that?

My father's dying
of prostate cancer, so I don't
trouble him much for gifts.

- See, Tom?
- Hmm?

You don't want a BMW.
Tell him, Lelaina!

Charlane, she can
make up her own mind.

Dad, don't talk
to her that way.
She's not a child.

Well, she married one.


All right.
Excuse me. Come on.

Mom, Dad, I'll take the BMW,
until I can afford to
buy a regular car, okay?

Okay, Mom?

Mom, please?
Come on.

Get a Ford.

Just afloat on the sea

Find myself
on a page of history

You know as I ride along

I can always hear the song

About you

And where you're meant to be

Well, you're gonna
tell me the answers

I'll know
when you come back to me

If we should fall

Love will catch us every time

I hear you call I will run

And if the magic
of the adventure overcomes

We won't cry

Because it could be fun

Well, I'm gonna
tell you the answers

You'll know
when you come back to me

Gonna be all right

When you come back to me

Good morning.

Good morning!

Yes, good morning,
ladies and gentleman!

I see a gentleman
right over there!
Good morning!

Good morning!
Boy, I tell ya,

it is a good morning
with this audience.

Today for all you dieters,
guiltless goodies
from Chef Skinny Ninny!

Ho-ho. Mmm.

And we'll also be
visiting with a man
right here from Houston

who is battling

A beautiful and touching
story of the triumph
of the human spirit.

He's so cheesy
I can't watch him
without crackers.

Now let's take a peek
inside our Video View and see
what we have in store today.

It's a special report
on children's
birthday party themes.

Taped on location
at eight-year-old
Davey Robbins' party

exclusively for our
Video View collection.

So come sit with me.

Have a cup of joe.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Well, anyway, it's gonna be
a good day, good morning.

You're beautiful!


Am I here to amuse you,
Ms. Pierce? Is that the
reason I'm on this show?

I put on your note card
to get your own expresso.

Didn't you get my
"espress yourself" memo?

I don't have time for
your games. We're laying
people off around here.

I can find an intern
who'll do your job
for free, like that.

I been locked out

I been locked in

But I always seem
to come back again

And the view when I look
through my window...

That's a much better size.
That looks great.

That would go
with the Easy Fits.

So... Oh, buttoning it up.
That's even better. Okay.

Roll 'em right up.
It's liberating, isn't it?

I bought a toothbrush
Some toothpaste

A flannel for my face

Pajamas, a hair brush

New shoes and a case

I said to my reflection

Let's get out of this place

Passed the church
and the steeple

The laundry on the hill

Murders, there's one
committed each seven seconds

How do you know...

Hello? I got cut off.
I'm sorry.
What the hell happened?

Tempted by the fruit of another

Hello? What?

Tempted but the truth
is discovered

What's been goin' on
Now that you have gone

No, no, listen.
He needs us.

He makes videos.
We show them, okay?
It's symbiotic.

It's like the chicken
or the egg, both of them
working together...

Well, I'm not scared of him.

No, no, I'm not scared of...


Michael, don't laugh at me.

What? No!

I'm in an accident.
I got in an accident.

You okay?

Yeah. No.
I'll call you back.

When you say "sue..."
It's not really my idea.

I got my lawyer telling me
something about my rates...

Right. You mean like sue
in a courtroom for money?

I don't know.
I've never done anything
like this before.

Do you have a lawyer?
No, I don't have a lawyer.
I don't have a dentist.

You know, I make $400 a week.

What do you do?

At the moment, I'm working...

I'm sorry. I just...
I gotta...


Yeah, what is it?
I don't care if she does
12 books of herself naked.

It doesn't...
That's Dr. Zaius
from Planet of the Apes.

I'm sorry.
Someone else is in here.

Yeah? Well, let her
say that to me.

No, don't do that.
Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, you can...
I was... Go ahead.
You want to touch it?

Yeah, go ahead.
No, I was talking to...

Can I talk to you later?
Can we... What? Okay.

Um... Okay.

Um, uh...

You know what?
Just forget it.

Really. Just forget
the whole thing.

It was probably my fault
anyway, and I'll get
in trouble, and I don't...

You seem very sweet,
and you seem to
like Dr. Zaius.



Oh, I...
That's... He was just
a collector's... No big...

Um, well, here's...
Here's his head.
It's really...

You know, I think he's gone.

I'm, like, ruining
your whole life here.

No, you're not, really.

Just don't touch
anything else, and
I think we'll be fine.

Michael Grates,
Vice President
Regional Programming,

In Your Face TV.

We've seen it.
It's like MTV,
but with an edge.

So is it a date?
Yeah. Yep.


Coffee or cappuccino?
Oh, he ended up
saying "decaf."

Oh, no.
Early night. Is there
any pre-coffee activity?

I don't think so.
Did he ask you to go out
or to hang out?

Go out. He definitely
said go out.
Hey. How ya doin'?

Oh, shit.

I forgot
to tell you

Are you out of your mind?
He just got fired
from the newsstand.

He needs a place to stay
until he can find a new job.

Vickie, that's the American
dream of the '90s.
That could take years.

Look at it like
a built-in security system.
We'll have a man around.

We'll have a hall monitor.
I don't even know if this
is allowed in the building.

It's not like Mr. Roper's
gonna burst in. I'll just
stay on the couch.

Vickie, he will
turn this place
into a den of slack.

What the hell is your problem?

I have to work, and
unfortunately, Troy,

you are a master at
the art of time suckage.

Well, Miss Poster Girl
for The Workers Party,

until I get that toehold
in the burger industry,
I got time to suck.

I'd rather check
into a shelter.

I know how much you'd love
to mainline misery here,

but I can get you an interview
at my dad's plant.

Is that part of
my lease agreement?
That or a credit check.

It's cool, Troy.
You can stay.

Welcome to the maxi-pad.
Yeah, with
the new Dri-Weave.

It actually
pulls moisture away
from you. It's good.

You won't even know I'm here.

Well, should I get married
Should I be good

Should I astound
the girl next door with my
velvet suit and Faustus hood

Take her to cemeteries and
tell her of werewolf tongues
and forked clarinets

What Hey, That's My Bike
would like to do eventually
as a band

is travel the countryside
like Woody Guthrie.

Or, uh, Richard Simmons.

You know how he...

he travels around,
surprises people jogging.

As you can see, I have, uh,

the occasional run-in with
an anti-Hey-That's-My-Biker,

and to those people,
I say nobody...

Nobody can eat 50 eggs.


The next time you make
microwave brownies,

I'd really consider
using a microwave.

It's just a thought.

You know, I finally
figured out what
your problem is, Dyer.

What's that?
I'm not a Pepper?

You suffer from the
philosopher-groupie syndrome.

You're this guy
with, like, a 180 IQ,

10 units away from
a degree in philosophy.

And you always fall
for these dumb groupie types.

Now, they are not all dumb.

Most of them are just
very, very depressed.

You find me attractive,
sitting here, eating brownies?

You do. You're strangely
attracted to me right now.
You're oddly attracted to me.

It turns you on. You like
to watch, don't you?
Come on!

Don't! Come on.
It's not funny.
Here we are.

Give it back.
Give what back?

Give it back!
Give the brownies back?
Oh, brownies, brownies!

Oh! Oh!
I love brownies!
My name's...

Hey, don't.
Hey, watch the camera.

Don't do anything.
That's not nice.

Mr. Gubler, um,
do you have time

to take a look at
what I've done here?
I need my questions.

Oh. Well, here's
the research that I did.
You might want to read it,

'cause this guest has
quite a history in politics.
Just give me my questions.


Are you all alone?
Not anymore.

If I could bottle
the sexual tension between
Bonnie Franklin and Schneider,

I could solve
the energy crisis.

Excuse me.
Don't Bogart
that can, man.

Are you retarded?
No, I'm rhyming.

It's not easy.
I'm sure I make it
look easy.

You guys better not
be inhaling.

Lelaina, Vickie was
just promoted to manager
of The Gap.

- Shut up.
- It's not even a big deal.

The old manager tried
to kill herself by eating
a whole pot of poinsettias.

Still, I'm so proud of you!
I'll be making $400 a week.

We're never gonna have
rent problems again.

Troy, aren't you excited?

I'm bursting with fruit flavor.

Guys, I just thought
of something.

I'm manager of The Gap.
I'm responsible for
all those T-shirts:

French cut, V-necked,
ribbed, what-have-you.

Dude, I'm in trouble.
No, you're not, Vick.
I know you can do it.

I just do not understand
why this moment
has to be Memorexed.

Sammy, don't you realize?
This is your one opportunity
to play a small part

in what is destined
to be greatness.

Laney here is
gonna revolutionize

Good Morning, Grant.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
I had no idea!

Oh, yeah, look who's mocking.
All you do around here, Troy,

is eat and couch and
fondle the remote control.

I'm not under any orders to
make the world a better place.

Then what good are you?
You're a
pathological optimist.

You're pathological.

Oh, would you two just do
it and get it over with?
I'm starving.


Hello. You've reached
the winter of our discontent.

Uh, hold on.
It's some Michael character?

Who's Michael?
order a pizza.

Lelaina! If we promise
to pay you back,
will you spot us a pizza?

I don't have any cash.
Domino's takes checks.

Okay, great.

Okay, bye.
The owner of Domino's
supports Operation Rescue.

Oh, please, no one
gives a shit right now.
We're starving.

Oh, wait.

We're going
to eat gas.

Who's this
Michael guy?


Vickie just figured
something out.

Something wonderful.

"Evian" is "naive"
spelled backwards.

Can you turn this up, please?

You won't be sorry.

Thank you.

When you gonna give me
some time, Sharona

Ooh, you make my motor run
My motor run

Gun it
Comin' it off of
the line, Sharona

Never gonna stop, give it up
Such a dirty mind

I always get it up Come on!

For the touch
of the younger kind

My, my, my-y-y


M-M-M-My Sharona

Come a little closer, hon
I'll be your hunk

Close enough to look
in my eyes, Sharona

Keepin' it a mystery
You get to me

Runnin' down the length
of my thigh, Sharona

Good times
Anytime you need it, baby

Good times
Anytime you need a friend

Thelma's husband
Keith's got vodka
hidden in the toilet.

That's a good one.
James dies

- That's a two-parter.
- I'll allow it.

J.J. works
in the chicken shop.
We did that.

We did that in the same one
where he has a cape on.
Drink up, man.

I hate to see that happen
to the rookie. Um...

Alderman Davis judges a...
Oh, my God.

Are you a collection agent?


Oh! Yeah!
I'll be right there!

If you ain't the most
hardheaded woman

I have ever seen.

Hurry up, hurry up.
Oh! It's me!
Willona dates a deaf guy.

Good, good, good.
How about the one where
Gary Coleman comes on.

He's, like, the little...
That guy?

We did that one.
It was cute.

J.J.'s prom date.
Gotta go, gotta go.

Um, every...
This is Michael.

You got a prom date
and a prom date...

Too late. Wait up.
I'm gonna go.

Michael throws a party.
Sammy, let's go.

Lelaina. You know
the punishment for
premature evacuation.

Frank's party.
Sammy Joe?

Willona adopts Penny!

I'm, uh, making
this documentary
about my friends,

but it's really about
people who are trying to
find their own identity

without having any
real role models or
heroes or anything.

Wow. That sounds great.
I mean, it seems like

your friends would be
perfect for that,
like that guy Troy?

Troy, yeah.
All done here, sir?

Uh, yeah.
You don't want
to finish that?

No, I'm fine.
I had a late...

So, uh, so Troy is...
You guys just... It's like
you guys living there,

just the two of you?
No, no, no, no.

It's me and Vickie,
but he, uh, got fired
from his job,

so he needed
a place to crash
for a couple of weeks, so...

They, um, caught him
stealing a Snickers.
He stole a Snickers bar?


Somehow, he can rationalize it,

like the, uh, establishment
owes him a Snickers.

Right, right.
Well, I mean,
I guess, you know...

You know,
you're very beautiful.

I mean... I mean, uh,
seriously, you're...

I'm, uh... I'm, uh,

not really good
with compliments.

Um, but, uh, um...
Are you religious?


I'm sorry.

I guess, um...
I guess I'm, uh,

a non-practicing Jew.

Hey, I'm
a non-practicing virgin.

Who's this again?

- Frampton. Peter Frampton?
- Frampton.

I can't believe
you don't remember
Frampton Comes Alive.

That album, like,
totally changed my life.

The most profound,
important invention
of my lifetime.

The Big Gulp.
Because, see,
now listen.

You get one in the morning.
I'm talking 44-ouncer,
not this 32...

Wait a minute.
Yeah, 44 ounces.

How can you ingest
44 ounces of anything?

How can you ingest
44 ounces of anything?
You get one,

you have your essential
vitamins and nutrients
for the entire day.

Oh, yeah, definitely.
Sure, you're totally covered.
You do.

Well, I guess it
doesn't really take
much to make me happy.

Hey, I'm not...
I'm not materialistic either.

I mean, I think
I'd be working even if
I wasn't getting paid.

And I don't, like,
want to get a big house and...

I just want,
like, a nice house.

I'm not into cars and stuff.

I mean, I like my car.

You're probably not...
Really not into, like,

expensive, snazzy,
Italian suits.

Oh, come on.
I'm just kidding.

No, no, no.
I'm not like that.
I'm just kidding.

I mean, I mean...
I'm... I mean...

I know why the caged bird
sings and everything.
Oh, yeah? Why?

Because he was
in a cage, and he was...

I don't know.
He had high hopes
or some...

Okay, I dropped
out of school before
we got to that, all right?

I should have stayed
in college and gotten
a degree in astronomy.

God, I love astronomy.

Yeah, I just...
The math, though.
It was the math.

Yeah, exactly.
I loved astronomy, too,
and I got in the class,

and it was like everything was

three squared times pi
equals the root of...

Pi. Yeah.
And I just, like, wanted
to look at the stars.

Oh, same here.
It was so...

I remember being so happy
on the roof of our old house,
just staring up at the stars.

I want to do that again.
I want to just

look up at the stars
and take the time to

smell the... Everything.

'Cause it's like...
Do you ever have
those moments in life

where everything is okay?

Do you know what I mean?
Like, just for one moment,
everything is great?

Not since I graduated.
No. But yeah, yeah.

When you, like,
catch yourself
in a moment,

and you're saying, "Wait,
wait, I'm happy here."
Right, right.

And then it just goes away,
really quickly.

I know I've had
a couple of those.

I always forget them,
but I know I've had them.
Oh, me, too.

Like right now, this one.

Yeah, like now.

Who decides

Clouds are stalking islands
in the sun

Wish I could buy one

Out of season

But don't


'Cause your love

Won't wait Hey

Ooh, baby I love your way

Every day

Wanna tell you
I love your way, ooh

Ooh, baby, I love your way

Every day
I wanna be with you
night and day

So you been
up all night?

I am picking up
some very strange vibes
in here.

They're of the
"I just got laid" variety.

Did he dazzle you
with his extensive knowledge
of mineral water?

Or was it his
in-depth analysis of, uh,

Marky Mark that
finally reeled you in?

I would like to have been there

to watch how you rationalized
sleeping with a yuppie-head
cheeseball on the first date.

He's not a yuppie.
He's the reason why
CliffsNotes were invented.

Well, that pales in comparison

to the tweaked-out
little skanks you date.

To hell with it.
What do I care?
What do you care?

Why are you acting like
a jealous boyfriend
all of a sudden?

I am not acting like anything.

I am calmly reading.

God. If something's
bothering you,

I wish you could be
man enough to talk
to me about it.

All right, Lelaina.

I am really in love with you.

Is that what
you want to hear?
Is it?

Well, don't flatter yourself.

Go to hell.

Since I've been manager here,

our gross has increased
over 20%, uh...


Okay, okay. Um,
I guess I'm proud of that.

Ho, please.
Look at this sweater.

People don't know
what it takes.

I've never been
a good example before,
and, um,

I've never been good
with responsibility,
so, uh...

I blame my parents, though.
I think I was conceived
on an acid trip.

My parents got divorced
when I was, uh,

five years old.

And I saw my father
about three times a year
after that.

And when he found out
that he had cancer, he
decided to bring me here,

and he gives me this big,
pink sea shell,

and he says to me,
"Son, the answers are
all inside of this."

And I'm all, like, "What?"
But then I realize
that the shell's empty.

There's no point
to any of this.
It's all just a...

A random lottery
of meaningless tragedy
in a series of near-escapes.

So I take pleasure
in the details.
You know, uh,

a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Those are good.

The sky about 10 minutes
before it starts to rain.

The moment
where your laughter
becomes a cackle.

And I sit back, and I...

I smoke my Camel straights.

And I ride my own melt.

Come on, come on.
No laggin'.

The free clinic AIDS test.

The rite of passage
for our generation.

We're so lucky.
Come on.

So, Vick,
why are you
getting tested?

One of my friends
tested positive.

Be on the safe side.
You know.

Vickie Miner.

Vickie Miner?

You can forget it.
Come on, Grant.
That is incredible.

It's junk.
Depressing junk.

You know my rules
for Video View,
light and perky.

Look, Lelaina, maybe
I should talk with Grant
alone about this.

Look, she's got
real talent, and I want
to put her on staff.

I will not have
Ms. Pierce on staff.

I will walk out of here
when that happens.
You watch.

Okay, calm down.
I mean, it's no big deal.
We don't have to have her.

Having to look
at that girl's pointy face
all day would make me ill.

Just get rid of her
like I asked you
in the first place.

If I don't know where
to go, I'll get there.

If I don't know
where to go,
I'll get there.

If I don't know...

Ten seconds.
Nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four...
...saves you money!

Is this a good morning or what?


with us today
is Libby Cumba,
author of this book.

Self-esteem for
Parent and Child.

Good morning, Libby.
Good morning, Grant.

Good morning.
Now, Libby,

I'm concerned
with self-esteem.

Personally, I've always had
an odd preference for
very, very young girls.

Uh, uh, being a total prick...

ly pear, I, uh...

Why don't we welcome
this audience again, huh?

Good morning!

I make
more of a mess
than Ruby does.

You guys,
we have to have
a family meeting.

Something's happened.
Oh, no! They've
discovered NutraSweet

causes you to
grow a third eye.
Oh, Jesus!

gonna be fine.
Just wear a patch.

Working out a plan.
There's a surgeon in Paris
who'll just remove it...

Just don't panic.
It's not contagious.

Would you shut up?
I just got fired.

Oh, my god.
What happened?

You got fired?

That just screws up
my whole idea of
good and evil and...

It's not like
I had a hysterectomy.
You know, I got fired.

I'll find
something else,
you know?

Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're hired!

I need a part-timer.
You need a job.

That will be so cool!
It's only like $5 an hour,

but it's a
pretty good opportunity.

Yeah, it's a
dream come true.
It is!

You know, Vick,
I'm working out a plan.

Yeah? So what's the plan?
I'm not gonna work at
The Gap, for Christ's sake.


No. I mean...
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, how stupid of me
to try to drag you
down to my level.

Vickie, you...
Don't do this, okay?
Shut up.

Come on. This is just...
You know I didn't mean it.


Burn, baby, burn

Burn, baby, burn Disco inferno

Burn, baby, burn
Burn that mother down, y'all
Burn, baby, burn

You see, this is where Troy
was fired from his 11 th job.

He was an illustrious
office cleaner.

Now if you'll come
this way, please,

we will continue our short
but happy walking tour of
the career of Troy Dyer.

And here we have the newsstand,

where Troy dared
to ask the question,

"Are employee snacks

The answer,
tragically, "No."

In total, he has been fired

from, yes, count them,
12 jobs.

So you shouldn't
feel so bad.

One of these mornings
I'm gonna wake up
before noon...

Yeah, right.
...I'm gonna turn on the TV,

and there Bryant Gumbel
will be, and he'll say,

"Today we have with us

"the Pulitzer Prize-winning
documentarian Lelaina Pierce.

"Lelaina, after
your first film,
Why Barbie is Bad,

"you seemed to have forgotten

"all about your best friend,
Troy Dyer."

Troy who?
What was that name again?

Right through the heart.

I'll probably be working
at the Whole Foods,

you know, playing warehouses,
hanging around places
like the Radio Shack,

screaming that
I used to know you,
and you'll be there

in the lights,
and you'll be all
beautiful and shit.

Oh, Troy, no, no.
That'll never happen.

They would never
hire you at Whole Foods.

You see, Laney,
this is all we need,

a couple of smokes,
a cup of coffee

and a little bit
of conversation.

You and me
and five bucks.
You got it.

You know what?

No, no. No.

Troy, I can't. I can't.
Why not?
You never thought about it?

Well, yes, of course
I have, but I...
But what?

I can't not be friends
with you, okay?

I don't want that. That's
not what I'm talkin' about.
I'm talkin' about a...

You know, evolving.
I just can't handle
this right now.

I can't evolve
right now.
Why not?

Because of Michael?

Yeah. Yes, yes.

My parents got divorced
when I was 14.

My dad, my dad,

he remarried six months
after the divorce.

That's quick.
How did everybody react?

My mom threatened
to kill herself
in front of me.

Patty got drunk in
her closet every morning
before junior high school.

And you?
Well, I, um...

Somebody had to remember
to take out the trash,

sign the report cards,
buy the milk,

so, um, that kind of
ended up being me.

I don't want to get married,
'cause I see
how my parents are,

and they've been together
like, um, 26 years,

and they're like
brother and sister
at this point.

My mother goes
to the bathroom
with the door open.

That's "A."
And "B," it's disgusting.

I don't want
any part of that.
I want first kisses.

I want passion
the whole way through.

It's better than havin'
to kiss your husband's ass
all the time.


I think that your
documentary would be
perfect for In Your Face.

Forget it.
You're probably thinking...

More like, you know,
PBS or something.
No! No.

I... You know
what it is, though?
It's that I...

Boy, okay. When I
made this thing, I kind of
made this promise to myself

that I wasn't gonna think
about where it was gonna

end up, 'cause I didn't wanna

commercialize it.

I think that's great.
I think you should
definitely not

unintentionally do
anything that you're
not comfortable with.

I mean, not that I
would intentionally...
Well, plus, it's not done yet.

Right. I know.
It was just a stupid...

You know, I gotta go
to New York on Wednesday

for this huge
network meeting thing,

which is totally...
God, you would hate it.

I hate it.
I just thought that they would
freak out over your tapes,

'cause they never see anything
that's really smart

and has real, you know, quality

and is good,
like you and your work,

and I know I'm being selfish.

Michael? Um,

that is literally, literally,

the nicest thing
that anyone's
ever said to me.

The sweetest thing
that anyone's
ever said to me.

So what are you doing for
the rest of your morning?

Well, um...
What am I doing?
What am I doing?

Oh, well, I have
a job interview.

Lelaina, this thing
is from 1988.
I know.

So you're, like,
six years late.

I thought the ad said
that this was a job
for a production assistant.

Yes, you will be assisting me

in the production
of videotapes,
all right?

You're gonna make
copies for me.
Many copies.

Oh, is this like a...
Like a pirate operation?

Do I look like a pirate to you?

Radio is all instinct, Lelaina.

Do you know where
all radio comes from?

The gut.
It's all in the gut.

'Cause when you
think on your feet,
gotta go from your gut,

and my gut is
telling me that, uh,

this isn't gonna work out.
Maybe your gut's just
saying you're hungry or...

Oh, no, no, no.
It's telling me
that, uh,

you're overqualified
for this job.

I'm really not that smart.

No offense, sweetie, but you
don't have any experience
on a newspaper.

You're TV.

I'm trying to
make my transition
to print journalism.

Ah. Why?
Well, newspapers are the last
watchdogs of our government.

They enforce the checks
and balances, and a half hour
of TV only adds up to one...

Okay. All right.
Define "irony."

Irony, uh... Irony.

It's a noun.
It's, uh, when
something is ironic.

Well, I can't, uh,
really define irony,
but I know when I see it.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, my God. I've never been
so glad to see anyone
in my entire life.

This day has been
the biggest nightmare.
These job interviews, Troy?

The word "vivisection,"
a staggering understatement.

I mean, can you define "irony"?

It's when the actual meaning
is the complete opposite
from the literal meaning.

Oh, my God.

Where were you when
I needed you today?
Uh, I should go.

Oh, come on. Isn't there
some statute of limitations
for embarrassing incidents?

Your bravado is embarrassing.

Hey, Troy.

Come on.
You can stay with me
for one cigarette.

I know you can
stay with me
for one cigarette.

You and me?
Five bucks?
Good conversation?



Troy, you haven't been
home in four days.

Where have you been sleepin'?

I gotta go.

Mom, I need to

talk to you about a loan.

Is it for drugs?

No. No, it's not for drugs.
I was... I lost my job.

But you shouldn't have
any trouble findin'
another job, sugar booger.

No, see, I tried. I applied
for every single opening
in my field, but there's...

There's nothing right now.

Mmm, well.
I hate to say it,

but times are hard.

You're just gonna
have to swallow
your pride.

Why don't you get
a job at Burgerama?
They'll hire you.

My Lord, I saw on TV

they had this little
retarded boy workin'
the cash register.

Because I'm not retarded, Mom.

I was valedictorian
of my university.

Well, you don't
have to put that down
on your application.

Ms. Pierce, do you have
any idea what it means to be
a cashier at Wienerschnitzel?

Yeah, it's taking orders
and making change and, uh,

No. It's a juggling act.

A juggling act.
You mean, like,

No. I mean you got people
comin' at you from the front,

comin' at you from the back,
from the sides, people
at the condiment exchange,

people at the drive-thru,
kids on bikes,

and they're all
depending on who?

Yeah. You got time to lean,
you got time to clean, buddy.

You gotta be 150%
on your toes,
150% of the time.

There you go, sir,
and have a 'tude, Wienerdude.
All righty.

Okay, I'm gonna throw
a few numbers out at you.

You put 'em together
in your head
as quick as you can.

85 and 45. Go.



It's not an auction.

Ms. Pierce,
there's a reason I've
been here six months.

For the entire summertime
occurring in one day.

Then last night we had
snow reports in Utah.

Today reports of I-70
shut due to the snowfall.

Now that very strong
jet stream...

Royalton Hotel.
Is this
the Royalton Hotel?

That's what I said.
I didn't hear you.

I'm looking for a guest there.
His name's Michael Grates?

Hold one moment, please.

That guest
is out. Would you like
to leave a message?

Oh, no, that's okay.
I'll just try again later.

Hi, I'm Cheryl Goode,
and welcome to Wedgie,
The World of Hip Couture.

This week we're in
South Central Los Angeles

at the intersection
of Florence and Normandie,
the flash point of fashion.

The faddest gangsta trend
will increase your piece.

This bandana by Donna Karan is
blue for Crips, red for Bloods
and only costs $75.

Ooh, hit me hoppin'
in a lifelike limbo

Lookin' out of
a smudged-up window

We're not sure where
our lives are goin'

Crazy sucker outside
begins a slow leak

Don't know where our next
dollar's comin' from

Livin' the life
of a poor musician

Hairline's gone so he
keeps his nine-to-five
Grubby, grubby...

Laney, have you seen
a pack of guitar strings?

I have to bring them
to the club.
I hope he knows

that he still has to pay
some rent around here.

I don't know where he thinks
he's spending his nights,

Do you know?

I'm late for
a jean-folding seminar.
Let's locomote.

Now you can call your own
personal psychic anytime,
24 hours a day.

Thanks to the nationwide
Psychic Discovery network,

you can pick up the phone
and talk directly with
a professional psychic

in the privacy
of your own home.

I was unhappy in my career,
and I needed a change, but
I didn't know what to do.

I called the Psychic Discovery
Nothing is going down

- according to plan.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, my best friend?

I feel like I've
lost him forever,

and he was, like,
my touchstone, you know?

This man, does his name
start with the letter "N"?

Because I'm getting
a very strong
"N" vibration.

Newsstand! "N," newsstand.
He used to work
at a newsstand.

Oh, God, this is unbelievable.

Honey, that's
not all I'm getting.

I mean, there are people
I know from high school,

who are already married
and having babies.

I mean, babies, okay?

I can't even take care
of a Chia Pet.

I didn't have kids until
I was on my third husband.

Oh, really?
All Geminis.

You know what I think, Denell?

I think you still
really love Monte.

Yeah, you're probably right,
but it don't matter now.

Oh, yes, it does, Denell.

I know you're afraid,

but you gotta find him,
and you've gotta tell him
how you really feel.

Find him?
I've got five...

Lelaina, we need
to talk to you.

Hold on, Denell.
Mmm. Hold on.

I'm on the phone.

I can see that.
And we have a
$406 phone bill,

mainly due to some calls
to a 1-900 number.

Lelaina, I'm sensing
you're in some trouble.

We'd help you out,
but we're broke, too,

and we can't afford
a new deposit if
the phone gets shut off.

Maybe you could, uh,
borrow the money
from Michael.

Ohh, no, Sammy.

Laney, what are you doing?
You lay on that couch all day.

Those pajamas are like
a uniform. You run up
a $400 phone bill.

You watch TV.
You chain smoke.
You don't go outside.

Man, you are in the bell jar.

Look, this is my apartment.

I signed the lease.
I let you move in here
when you had no job,

no money, and you sponged
off me for two months.
Yeah. Sponged?

And now
Miss Big Power Monger goes,
"I'm manager of The Gap."

You think you can just come
in here and push me around?
She's not bein' pushy.

Sammy, what are you
even doing here?
You don't live here.

Hey, my little unemployed
waif, you're the one who's
lookin' for work now, okay?

You're really enjoying this,
aren't you?

You're high. Why don't you
go take a walk outside and
get some fresh air?

You've been waiting for this
since the day we met.

Who told you that?
Your psychic partner?

I'll tell you the problem
with your generation.
You don't have any work ethic.

Take your friend, Troy,
for example.

I went out of my way to
set up an interview for him
and he didn't even show up.

That wasn't his fault.
He asked me to call
and cancel.

Everything was going on
and it slipped my mind.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry. But I have
a work ethic, Dad.
Good. Good.

Ask anyone.
All you got to do
is show some ingenuity, hmm?

Darlin', I love you
and I hate to
break your plate,

but you gotta grow up sometime.

Now, I want you to
go out there
and show me some ingenuity.


Let me talk with you, my baby

It is fair to say that maybe

It is time for you to say
we need to share
a point of view

Livin' in the never never
Droppin' out of it together

I could spend some time
forever with a girl like you

Let me hear you say yeah
Let's go


You want to turn it in
Turn it into heaven, yeah

Let's go

You want to turn it in
Turn it into heaven

Right here on earth

Lookin' for tomorrow

Can you see us one day

Beg or steal or borrow

We could live forever

Never to say never

You will be for me
I will fight for you, yeah

Let's go

You want to turn it in
Turn it into heaven, yeah

Well, that solves
our first problem.
Rent's due this week.

Well, well.
Look who finally decided
to grace us with his...


This is, uh...
This is, uh, Jean.

Uh, Janine, Janine.
It was...

It was a little loud
in the club.

Excuse me.

Can't stay here, Troy.
I'm just gonna
pick something up.

Well, mission accomplished.
Now leave.

I think maybe I'm gonna wait...

Always the mistress
of etiquette,
you know, Laney?

Why are you suddenly acting
like a jealous girlfriend?

We're just trying to pay
bills here. So, Troy,
if you got any money...

Oh, but what's money
to an artist?

To a philosopher?
It's just, uh,

green-colored paper
that floats in and out
of his life like snow.

It's nothing you actually
have to, I don't know,
work for, is it, Troy?

Not if you have
Daddy's little gas card.
You shut up!

You shut up! I busted my ass
to find a job. You don't
even show up for interviews.

What is it that you want
from me? You want me to
get a job on the line,

until I'm granted leave
with my gold-plated watch
and my balls full of tumors,

'cause I surrendered the one
thing that means shit to me?

You can exhale,
'cause it's not gonna happen
in this lifetime.

All right, fine.
You don't want to work? Fine.
Laney, goddamn it!

Be in a goddamn band!
Rehearse every day!
Play three times a night!

Don't just dick around
the same coffeehouse
for five years.

Don't dick around with her.
Or with me.

Try at something for once
in your life. Do something
about it. But you know what?

You better do it now
and better do it fast,

because the world
doesn't owe you any favors.

And whether you know it or not,

you're on the inside track
to Loserville, USA,

just like him.

Okay, it's just
too psychotic
in here now.

let's go for a walk.

Come on, man, let 'em go.

With pleasure, my friends,
with pleasure.

"With pleasure."
I really feel sorry
for that poor girl.

How about when he sneaks
his laundry in with ours?

I'm pullin' stuff out of the
dryer and there's five pairs
of his boxers I've washed.

I'll just throw it back
in his face. I'm gonna
do his laundry. Yeah!

He's weird, he's strange,
he's sloppy, he's a total
nightmare for women.

I can't believe
I haven't slept with him yet.

Do you ever wish
you were a lesbian?

Don't you think
it would be so much easier?

Sometimes. But, aah,
I couldn't go through with it.

I'd start laughing
or something.

It's such a shame.
I am so through with men.

If one more guy walks out
on me, I don't even know what.
I swear.

What are you talking about?
Walk out on you?
You walk out on them.

I've seen you.
You're out the door
before the condom comes off.

Listen to me, I'm just
beating them to the punch.


You don't even know.
I'm sitting here

Probably dying of AIDS.

And I am totally alone.


You're not alone.

Hey. Look, I'm sorry
for everything I said.

And I'm sorry
for being such a bitch,

but I have to tell you
you're not alone.

You're not. And you're
not dying of AIDS.

You don't understand.
Every day, all day, it's all
that I think about, okay?

Every time I sneeze,
it's like I'm four sneezes
away from the hospice.

It's not even happening to me.
It's like I'm watching it
on Melrose Place.

And I'm the new character.
The HIV-AIDS character
and I live in the building.

I teach everybody
it's okay to be near me,
it's okay to talk to me.

And then I die.

There's everybody
at my funeral wearing
halter tops and chokers

or some shit like that.

Vickie, stop, okay?
Just stop.

You're freaking out. And you
know what? You're gonna
have to deal with the results.

We're gonna have to deal
with them just like we've
dealt with everything else.

This isn't like
everything else.
I know that.

All right?
But it's gonna be okay.

You know?
I know it's gonna be okay.

Melrose Place is
a really good show.

Lelaina Pierce.

Is there a Lelaina Pierce here?


- Hello.
- Lelaina?

I had to call you right away.

don't kill me, okay?
What? What?

I took the tape
and I showed it.

Wait, wait. Listen.
They freaked out.
They want to buy them.


They liked it?
No, they like
psychotically loved it.

They wanna pay you for it.

I know this isn't PBS,
but is this okay?

I was this close to selling
fruit at intersections!
Well, don't, all right?

Just hang on. I'm gonna
get you some money. I'm gonna
be down there in a few days.

I'm thinkin' about you
every second. Hello?

Hello! Hello, hello!
Hello? Can you hear me now?

Where are you?
I'm in a phone booth.

Why are you
on a cellular phone?

I don't know. I have no idea.

Michael, Michael, Michael!
I really miss you!

I really miss you, too.
I love you. I...
Oh, whoa!

I mean, I mean, you amaze me!

No, you amaze me!

Hello, can you hear me?
No, Michael, I'm losing you.

I'm gonna call you back.
Wait. What?

Pay phone outside
always amazes me.


Try me. I'm free.

Good mag, good mag.


Do ya hear that?
Here, let me see that.

Hey, hey!
All righty. Whoo!
Thanks for coming.

A celebration zoom.
Let's get some ice cream.
Okay, enough.

I'm right here, son.


I have to tell you something.

I am a homosexual.

Oh, Christ.

Is there a support group
I can join to come to terms
with my own homophobia?

Yes, there is. A group
which is named P-FLAG,

Parents and Friends
of Lesbians and Gays.

Oh. Oh.

P'flag. I'm beginning to
like the sound of that.

What you've just
witnessed here
is a pre-enactment of events

that are about to take place.


I came out to her.

She's still a little bit upset.

But you know,

you know, the real reason
that I've been celibate
for so long

isn't really because I'm
that terrified of the big "A."

But because I can't
really start my life

without being honest
about who I am.


I wanna be in there, too.
I wanna feel miserable

and happy and all of that.

I mean, I...
I wanna...

I wanna be let back
in the house.


Oh, hi.

Um, sorry. Just...

Door was...
So I just, uh...

She's getting dressed.

I'll just...

I don't know if she told you,
I just came back from New York
with the tapes that she made.

And the stuff with you,
that's really great stuff.

That whole thing about, uh,
nobody can eat all the eggs?

That was...
That was really...

I was quoting Cool Hand Luke.

Yeah, that's okay.
I mean, that's...
I know. I mean, still, it's...



What happened
to your normal clothes?

Where'd you get that dress?

Oh, um, I don't know.
I just bought it.

But I think I'm gonna change...

No, don't. You look beautiful.

You look like...
You look like...
A doily.

I'm gonna change.
No, don't change.

And don't go thinkin'
for yourself either, Laney.

What is your glitch, huh?
My glitch?

You know what?
We're already late.

No, no.
Hang on a second here.

Do you have a problem with me
or something? 'Cause if
you do, let's get this out.

Seriously. Is there like...
I mean, have I like, uh,

stepped over some line
in the sands of coolness
with you?

Excuse me, if somebody doesn't
know the secret handshake.
Come on, this is...

There's no secret handshake.
There's an IQ prerequisite,
but no secret handshake.

I... This is...
You, no...
Come on.

You've got this whole thing
with the world.
This is really...

That's really wonderful.
This is really stupid.

But guess what?
I'm a human being.
We're human beings, people.

You know?
We're not like, uh,

intelligence, uh,
quotations, or whatever.
Just ignore him.


Come on, let's go.
You don't need this.

You don't know what she needs.

I think I know what she needs
in a way that you never will.

Let's go.

Baby, tell me
that my love ain't good

I don't treat you right

I don't do you
like I should
Listen, this guy
back here, okay?

Hi. Hi.

So, ya ready?
Um, what's it like?

It's great.
It's great.

I haven't actually
seen it yet, but we had
our best guys workin' on it.

We just put some titles on,
shaped it a little bit.

It's gonna be great.

Okay. Bye.

Okay, everybody.
It's a special night.

'Cause, as you know, we're
entering a new phase here at
the channel: real programming.

And our first step is this
remarkable piece by Lelaina.

So hang on, 'cause
this is gonna change
the face of In Your Face.

What's this?

Uh, it's
transitional stuff.

La la la La la la

The story of my life

We're finished!
School's out


I am not under any orders
to make the world
a better place.

School's been blown
And you wonder why
we never got involved.

To pieces

Love can make you weep

I don't want to get married,
because I see
how my parents are.

My parents got divorced...
My parents got divorced...

when I was 14.
...when I was 5.

My mother actually
goes to the bathroom
with the door open.

I swore
I'd never get married.
I want passion.

Let's talk about sex, baby

It turns ya on.

Would you two just do it
and get it over with?
Oh, my God.

But the question remains,

how can we repair
all the damage we inherited?

I was told there'd be
no math on this exam.
Can I change my answer?

The answer is simple.
We're on the road
to nowhere


The answer is...
The-The-The-The answer is...



We're on the ride to nowhere
Come take that ride

Feeling okay this morning

I... It's, uh...
It's, yeah, right.

We're on the road
to paradise
Here we go

Here we go

Lelaina, look, I'm sorry,
all right? I didn't know.

That is not my work.
That's not what I did.
I know!

I trusted you!
I had no idea!
I didn't see it!

I guess it was a little slow
and they cut it up a little...

They cut up everything that
meant anything to me!

I don't even think you
realize what you've done.
You don't get it.

I do get it!

You have this great piece
of work, and we have
this audience, these kids.

It's like trying
to feed them meat loaf
and they don't want to eat it.

So you gotta give them,
"Here comes the plane!"
Meat loaf?

"Open up the hangar!"
But it's still meat loaf.
It was never meat loaf!

That's a bad...
I'm sorry. They were just
trying to market it.

I wish I could
be perfect, okay?
I wish I could be like Troy,

riding on his melted cheese
sandwich and everything...
Don't bring Troy into this.

I wish I could live off
of creeds and mottos
and all that shit.

But I'm in the real world
and I have ideals also.

They're that I...

I care about you
and I want to
make you happy...

I just... Look.

I... I'll make them take
the pizza thing out, okay?

I'm just a bill

Yes, I'm only a bill

And I'm sittin' here
on Capitol Hill

Well, it's a long,
long journey to...

How'd the big premiere
turn out?


They're just videotapes, right?

Who cares?

It's... I worked so hard
on them, you know?

It's just, I worked so hard.

Ah, forget it.
I just sound pathetic.
No, you don't.

You don't sound pathetic.

I know it sounds stupid,
but it really meant
something to me.

I know it wasn't gonna
end world hunger
or save the planet,

but it just meant
something to me.

I just don't

understand why things just
can't go back to normal

at the end of the half hour,
like on The Brady Bunch,
or something.

Well, 'cause Mr. Brady
died of AIDS.

Things don't work out
like that.

I was really gonna be
something by the age of 23.

Honey, all you have to be
by the age of 23 is yourself.

I don't know
who that is anymore.

Well, I do.

And we all love her.
I love her.


She breaks my heart
again and again, but, uh,

I love her.

I've wanted you like this
for all these years.

So have I.


Where are you going?
I have rehearsal.

At 8:24
in the morning?

So that's it?

No, that's not it.
I just... I, uh...

I have to go.

Got a pothead mama
Got a cokehead dad

I'm the ultramodern version
The American man

I don't feel good
But I don't feel bad

'Cause me, you see I'm nothin'

I ain't left, I ain't right
People say I'm wrong

Before I was born
Oh, I was all gone

Don't even make sense
that I wrote this song

Tell me it's not true.

'Cause me, you see I'm nothin'

I'm nothin'


That's me

I'm nothin'


sex is the quickest way
to ruin a friendship.

Thank you.
We'll be right back with a new
American cheese snack idea.

Hey, Troy.
You got a phone call.

Lelaina! Hi.

- Hi. Don't say anything.
- I screwed up, I know.

I should've protected you
and your work and I didn't.
I'm so sorry that I didn't.

I wanna make this up to you.

You mean so much to me,
Lelaina, and I just...

Look, two tickets,
all right? New York.

We go and we give them
a presentation of the show
the way you want it done.

Michael, I don't...
I know, I know.
But this time's different.

Who's the boss?
Huh? Tony Danza?
I don't think so. It's you.

It's your show.
And I just...

I just feel like
maybe I deserve
another shot here.

Well, hi, Lelaina.

What, is there a frog
in your throat, or are you
just glad to see me?

Hi, Mike.
Thanks for comin' down.
No hard feelings.

Lelaina, you're looking
a little peaked.

- Yeah. Are you okay?
- She's fine.

She's just had too many
Diet Cokes today.

Yeah, this girl
is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.


So are you gonna tell him
or am I?

Could you excuse me?
Could I talk to you?


You wanna tell me what
the hell he's doin' here?
I wanted to talk to you.

What the hell do you care?
You totally bailed on me
this morning.

I panicked. It happens.
I thought we could, uh,
work it out, you know?

I don't know if now's
the right time for us.

I meant everything that
I said to you last night.
Don't look at me like that.

Don't look at me like that.
That's not what I'm saying.

I'm not saying I...

You are the only woman that
I could ever commit myself to.
So what?

Do I get a medal? I win
the big commitment cook-off
and you just run away?

I knew this was gonna happen!

I don't...
I don't wanna lose you.

I've never been
in an experience
like this before.

I've never had
sex with somebody
that I loved before.

God! Oh, well,
congratulations, Troy Dyer.

Welcome to the world
of the emotionally mature.
It's a nice place to visit.

Hey, you may run into
Michael. He lives here.
Yeah, right, Michael.

He lets you navigate that
entire relationship.

Sorry, Lelaina,
but you can't navigate me.

I might do mean things,
hurt you, run away,
and you might hate me forever.

I know that scares the shit
out of you, because I'm
the only real thing you have.

Oh, yeah?
Well, that ain't real much.

One, two, three, four

Hey, Troy, man, you're on.

No bed of roses

Michael, I'm sorry.
No, listen, I'm sorry.
That's what this is all about.

This one's for you, Laney.

Why can't I get just one kiss

Believe, some things
that I wouldn't miss

But I look at your pants
and I need a kiss

Why can't I get just one screw

Believe me I'd know what to do

But somethin' won't let me
make love to you

Why can't I get just one, huh

Oh, nice job.
Very well done.

Yeah, I don't want
to hear it from you.

Yeah, well, I forgot.
I'm not qualified
to talk to you.

I'm sorry I can't be Mister,
uh, "Hey, look at me,

"I'm Buddha
on the mountaintop."

You know what you remind me of?

You're like that guy
with the hat and the bells

and the little,
you know...
The court jester.

Yeah, right.

Where everything's
so easy to laugh at
from a safe distance

back in Clever-Cleverland.

You know what happens to him?

They find his skull in a grave
and they go, "Oh, I knew him
and he was funny."

And the guy, the court jester,
dies all by himself.

Where'd you hear that?
A Renaissance Festival?

Besides, everyone dies
all by himself.

If you really believe that,

who you lookin' for out here?

You say you want

Diamonds and a ring of gold

You say you want

Your story to remain untold

But all the promises we make

From the cradle to the grave

When all I want is you

You say you'll give me

A highway with no one on it

Treasure just to look upon it

All the riches in the night

You say you'll give me

Eyes on a moon of blindness

A river in a time of dryness

A harbor in the tempest

But all the promises we make

From the cradle to the grave

When all I want is you



All I want is you-ou

Hey, Laney.
This is Lance.

Hi. Um, I just need
to know if he's okay.

Okay. All I know is
he went back to Chicago alone.

I'm not supposed
to know that, am I?



I was wondering
if I could talk to you
a minute before you go.

See, the thing is that, uh...

Uh, my dad died.

Oh, God, Troy, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
No, it's... No, it...

What happened was that, um,

I kind of got this arcane
glimpse at the universe.

And the best thing I can
say about that is, uh...

I don't know.

I have this planet of regret

sitting on my shoulders.

You have no idea how much
I wish that I could go back

to that morning
after we made love

and do everything different.

But I know that I can't, so...

I thought that
I would come here
and tell you somethin'.

And what I wanted to tell you

was that I love you.

And, uh, I just wanted
to make sure that
that was clear,

so that there wasn't
any confusion.


so, anyway, uh,

where are you going?

I was gonna look for you.

What for?

Just wanted to see
if you were okay.

Well, I had a shitty week.

Well, Frog went a-courtin'
and he did ride

With a sword and a pistol
by his side


Well, he rode right up
to Miss Mousey's door


At the beep, please leave
your name, number,

and a brief justification
for the ontological necessity
of man's existential dilemma.

We'll get back to you.

Lelaina, this is your dad.

Give me a call when
you get this. I need you
to explain something.

I just got a $900 bill
on my gas card.

If we should fall, love will
catch us every time

I hear you call I will run

And if the magic
of the adventure overcomes

We won't cry,
because it could be fun

What I'm tryin' to do is
constantly find those people,

find out what makes them
the best, and bring that...

I've been getting a razzing
for being bald
and I'm a young man.

No more dates without
being called old man, but...

Roy, why are you
doing this to me?

I know we can be
happy together.

You'll chill in time.

Right now I need someone
who understands what my music
and the band mean to me.

But it's just music, Roy.

I'm a human being
with deep feelings

who feels things deeply.

Music is feeling, babe.

The band may be
a small dream, but
it's the only one I've got.

I'm Audi 5000.

Till I'm going,
going, gone
Please, don't let him
get drunk and drive.

Won't be very long

Till I'm going, going, gone

You say

I only hear what I want to

You say

I talk so all the time


And I thought
what I felt was simple

And I thought
that I don't belong

And now that I am leaving

Now I know that I did
something wrong

'Cause I missed you

Yeah, yeah

I missed you

And you say

I only hear what I want to
I don't listen hard

Don't pay attention to the
distance that you're running

To anyone, anywhere
I don't understand
if you really care

I'm only hearin' negative
No, no, no, no

So I turn the radio on
I turn the radio up

And this woman
was singin' my song

Lovers in love
and the others run away

Lover is crying
'cause the other won't stay

Some of us hover
while we weep for the other

Who was dyin'
since the day they were born

Well, well, this is not that
I think that I'm throwin'

But I'm thrown

And I thought I'd live forever
But now I'm not so sure

You try to tell me
that I'm clever

That won't take me anyhow
or anywhere with you

You said that I was naive
and I thought that
I was strong

Oh, I thought
Hey, I can leave, I can leave

Oh, but now I know
that I was wrong

'Cause I missed you

Yeah-ah, I miss you

He said you caught me
'cause you want me
and one day you'll let me go

You try to give away
a keeper
or keep me 'cause you know

You're just so scared to lose

And you say


And you say

I only hear what I want to

Ooh, my little pretty one
My pretty one

When you gonna give me
some time, Sharona

Ooh, you make my motor run
My motor run

Gun it comin' off
of the line, Sharona

Never gonna stop, give it up
Such a dirty mind

I always get it up for the
touch of the younger kind

My, my, my-y-y

M-M-M-My Sharona


Ohh, my Sharona