Real Time with Bill Maher (2003) - full transcript

Comedian and political satirist Bill Maher discusses topical events with guests from various backgrounds.

Start the clock.

♪ ♪ Right here.

Bill: How are you?

Thank you very much.

How are you?

So kind, I appreciate it.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

All righty.

[Applause] Thank yo thank
you, thank you, thank you.

[Cheers and applause] Thank
you, I'm so glad you're happy.

I don't know why you're happy.

Things are going
terrible in the country.

Did you see this week?

Mueller finally came
down from his cloud.

And spoketh.

Everybody has been waiting for
them to speak on to testify,

and what he said
was, word for word,

"the report is my
testimony." I shall not want.

So get off my lawn and stop
asking me to testify and do


Make do with my
cryptic pronouncements.

This is what he said.

He said -- I love this.

"If we had confidence that the
president clearly did not commit

a crime, we would
have said that." Okay,

so is he a criminal?

Why say it that way?

What was his wedding like?

Do you, Robert, take this woman?

I don't not to take her.

[Laughter] [Applause]
Trump speaks in playground.

What did he say?

No do overs.

I get that.

It's a little trickier to say
I didn't not find evidence.

So you do, don't have
to leave it to congress.

And when I say do-don't,
what I real mean is don't-do.

And we just want to know, did
Trump work with the Russians?

And Mueller is like, you know,
it is a little like sex with

your ex-girlfriend, who
hates you, but you are horny.

You wouldn't call it planning,
but you both want the same thing


[Laughter] [Applause] Thank you
for applauding my breakdown.

Trump's tweet about this
yesterday was priceless.

It started with
"Russia, Russia, Russia.

"President jan Brady,
ladies and gentlemen.

"Russia, Russia,
Russia." This guy,

he will deny everything all day,
completely admitted on Twitter.

"I had nothing to do with Russia
helping me to get elected." And

then, of course, an hour
later, he has to walk it back.

No, no, the election wasn't
stolen, it fell off a tru.

What did I say?

But liberals have a new hero,
congressman -- republican

congressman Justin amash.

[Applause] See, liberals love
any republican who comes out

against us before.

We are like a gay guy on
grindr who only gets excited by

straight guys.

[Laughter] But I'm
telling you something.

Between this Justin amash and
Robert Mueller, for what it was,

the pro-impeach
movement now has mojo.

[Applause] No, seriously.

You can tell it does
because Trump is scared.

Trump said the other day,
impeach was a dirty, disgusting,

filthy word.

Don't even get me
started on ethics.

[Laughter] But yeah, 55
democrats now are for


Of course, most of the
democrats are still saying, hey,

impeachment, but what most
people care about are the


Can you do both?

There's 23 of you, divide it up.

[Applause] Missouri now
has one abortion clinic.

Missouri Republicans are going
to have to send their mistresses

to Illinois.

[Laughter] I mean,
you can't run on that.

Louisiana now got on the
abortion bandwagon that is

sweeping the nation
this last month.

They voted in the legislature
to ban all abortions,

even in case of rape or incest.

There was one redneck in the
back of the room who stuck up

his hand and said, does
that include second cousins?

[Laughter] Yeah, come
on, these people,

they are sanctimonious
about abortion,

but they are running Roy
Moore again, in Alabama.

Roy Moore wants to run
again for the senate.

In Alabama, he got
a great slogan.

It's "when I'm in D.C., I can't
fuck your kids." [Applause]

Don't get all excited.

It looks like even
if Roy Moore won,

he would not be able to serve
s term because the senate is

within 1 mile of a school.

[Applause] But I've
got to tel you,

the big policy news that broke
today is that Trump has come up

with yet another ingenious
plan to stop immigration.


Tariffs solve everything.


He said if Mexico doesn't stop
the immigration coming through

the border, also from central
America through Mexico,

he is going to start putting
on tariffs on everything.

Starting at 5%, and
going up to 25%.

This is on Mexican companies and
everything Mexico sends here.

Okay, so now we are
going to build a wall,

and taco bell is
going to pay for it?

[Laughter] That's
where we are now?

Of course, he never seems
to understand, Mexico,

or any country, doesn't
pay for tariffs.

We pay for tariffs.

And these tariffs for Mexico,
our biggest partners, fruits,


Not just that, but cars beard
this they say will increase the

Christ of a new car $1300.

Mexico isn't going to pay for
the walkure you are going to pay

a lot more for that muffler.

And, of course, liberals
are incensed about this.

Not about cars, but do not fuck
with the price of avocado toast.

All right, we have a great show.

Lawrence wilkerson,
Kirsten powers,

and Jonathan swan are here.

We will be speaking with John
waters, back is backstage.

But first up, the former
two-term governor of

Massachusetts and is running for
the republican nomination for

president, 2020,
governor William wilde.

Hey, how are you, governor?

Long time, no see.

Bill: Where you want
politically incorrect?

I was on "politically
incorrect." Bill: And where you

governor at the time?

Bil wow, we had a
governor on that show?


That was a different era.

You are a new
england republican.

You are what I call
republican classic.

And you are sort of
an endangered species.

I don't know about that.

Bill: Yeah, you are.

In the republican party.

If you mean decency
and integrity, yeah,

that is new england republican.

Sure, I will plead to that.

Bill: How many republican
senators are there left?

They are not in danger
because they are all gone.

Bill: It's interesting,
because in 2016,

he ran as an independent after
being a lifelong republican.

And you were on the
ballot with Gary Johnson.


Won almost 5 million votes.

I don't know if
people remember that.

Triple the previous best
showing of the party.

Gary and I have been two-term
republican governors and good

friends as fellow
republican governors,

and we got along very well go.

Bill: You don't get the same
plane well Ralph nader does.

He gets blamed for throwing the
election, but 5 million votes,

some of those I imagine
would have gone to Hillary.

Three out of our votes came from
Trump appear to libertarian vote

is going to be a protest
vote for a change vote.

Those are not going
to go to Mrs. Clinton.

Bill: This time, you are running
as a republican against Trump,

who is in the White House.

That's right.

Bill: Timing is everything.

This seems like it would be the
time to run as a third-party


Third party this time, because
you're not going to win back the

nomination from Trump.

Well, let's see.

Bill: About land on earth here.

[Laughter] Trump has the
highest approval rating among


A hugely higher approval rating
among -- in their various


Bill: Voters.

They are voters, but my job
is to enlarge the electorate,

bring in millennials
and the gen gen-xer s.

Bill: Do you think the main
issue -- [applause] You know

what it is?

It is really gender equality.

It is treating women as
carriers, and it is disgraceful.

And here's all for for it.

[Applause] Bill: Don't
yell at me, sweetheart.

I'm with you.

You're making my point
in a kind of way,

because it all comes down, every
issue comes down to we have to

get rid of Trump.

The most important thing
is to get rid of Trump,

wooden running as a third-party
candidate -- because that way

you do siphon votes off.

No, the history of somebody
-- I remember pat Buchanan.

I was with George hwb a she
riding around in the car,

pat got only 37% in the
New Hampshire primary.

It was the beginning of
the end for George hw,

who earlier had been
91% of the poll for us.

Nixon won states before being
a year is a long time.Fice.

They are beginning to show any
tantrum style of the president

in Washington.

[Applause] Bill: So why were
you riding around in my car?

I was with George h.W.

Bush, trying to help them
not be ooked by pat Buchanan.

Bill: I see, okay.

You were in the car.

Okay, so let's say,
in a crazy world,

you don't get the nomination.

And it is Trump again.

You have a lot of
political experience.

How can the democrats
avoid losing,

because they are so
good at that that.

What is your biggest
advice, just a win?

Even the rank and file, who
always care about issues -- my

advice is to tell the truth.

It is aayshe
easiest thing to do.

That way you don't have
to remember what you said.

And the truth is that Mr. Trump
lives inside his own head,

a world all his own.

He has a lot of trouble
conforming his conduct to the

requirements, not just of
law -- bill: We know that,

we all agree on that.

But what is the strategy?

Take all of you years
of political experience.

What is the best path to win?

Isn't mayor Pete Pete?

Joe biden?

A woman?

I don't know about
the candidates,

but I will say the Mueller
report they just came out, 1,

000 former federa prosecutors
have just signed a letter saying

that this man committed a
obstruction of justice on

multiple occasions, according
to the Mueller report.

Most of them are
career prosecutors,

there are only 40 who are like
me, confirmed by the senate.

So-called political appointees.

1,000 career prosecutors
have said that.

So you know hcommitted
obstruction of justice.

I would have charged him, if
I had been in Mueller's --

[applause] Bill: Same thing.

Let me tell you why.

So the constitution says,
article one, section three,

that are a president remains
liable to prosecution and

punishment after leaving office.

If the president
could get reelected,

the statute of limitations would
run on his crimes of obstruction

in '17 and '18.

So it has to be the law that you
can file a sealed indictment so

as not to disturb the president
and the conduct of his duties,

and have that become public
after he has left office.

Bill: When you take your
case to the republican voter,

90% who are in the Trump
camp, that is your big thing?

Trump is really in asshole,
you've missed it the last four


Because they love
him like a cult.

You're going to take your case
to the voters bear 90% of them

love him.

I mean love, love, love --
the electorate I hope to face,

I want the millennials,
suburban women voters,

people in whom it has finally in
that the president -- bill: So

you are going to
go around the base?

Oh, absolutely.

Bill: Who is left in
the republican party?

In 20 states, they
allow crossover voting.

Bill: So you are
getting democrats?

They don't like any
of the 23 they have.

I'm having a fund-raiser
in Washington,

a donkey on one side and
republican on the other side,

elephant on the other
side of the invitation.

So no, absolutely.

Bill: Let me ask
you this question,

I have asked people
this for over two years.

If Trump loses, do you
think h will leave?

Not voluntarily.

Bill: There you go, exactly.


No, no.

Bill: What is not
voluaril what is it?

He will have a run at
saying it was a rigged game,

so on not leaving.

I don't think the military
and the juste department,

investigative agencies,

would stand for that
in this country.

Bill: [Laughs] But we've said
that about everything so far.

As he becosore and more a head.

That never happened.

It is very obvious that he wants
to be with the people that grow

the company constitution were
hell-bent and determined to

avoid, which is a king.

He loves autocrats,
consorts with them,

says free press is the enemy of
the people -- as in the first


He says that we just can't
have these restrictions on me.

I'm not going to play.

If anybody is investigating me,
I'm not even going to engage

with congress.

What could be a more obvious
violation of his oath of office?

Bill: I hope when you are
president you will come back and

see us, won't forget us, because
you're too big for it get all

right, William weld, everybody.

Let's meet our panel.

[Cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ Bill:
The next president of the United


All right, he is a national
political reporter for axios and

is featured on season
2 of "axios on hbo,

"mirrors on hbo sundjune 2nd.

Jonathan swan.

[Applause] She is a CNN
political analyst and a

columnist for "usa
today," Kirsten powers.

Great to have you on.

[Applause] And he's a
distinguished visiting professor

at the college of William & Mary
and former chief of staff to

Colin Powell,
Lawrence wilkerson.

Pick up where we left off there.

I think the debate on
impeachment is finally


I feel different about it.

I think a lot of people do.

The combination of Mueller, not
great as he was, but plus amash,

stin amash, I feel like we have
always been debating, well,

is that the politically right
thing or the moral thing?

I feel like this is where
slavery was in 1858,

it is getting harder and harder
not to be on the side of the

morally right thing.

Is that corrt assessment?

If you didn't have Nancy
pelosi as the current speaker,

I think if you had almost any
other democrat as speaker,

he would already be there.

Ill: Eally?


It is only because of the
political strength and fortitude

of Nancy pelosi and her
determination to hold off

impeachment that we are
not already at impeachment.

There is a significant momentum
now toward impeachment.

The Democratic house.

Again, she has the power to
basically -- if a committee

chair wants to defy her,
they're not going to do so.

A Jerry nadler and
judiciary coitte no way,

if she tells him where
not doing impeachment,

Jerry nadler is not going to
stand up with a pitchfork and

leave the hordes
toward impeachment.

Bill: If you like what is
different is it is becoming the

politically smart thing,
whereas -- she doesn't think so.

She very firmly
doesn't think so.

Bill: But that is
moving, is it not?

I'm glad we found another
republican, Justin amash.

With some courage.

Bill: Plenty of Republicans
on TV who ar anti-Trump.

Justin amash is a bit of a
unicorn in the republican party,

let's be honest.

He is somebody who has
traditionally gone against the

republican party, been fighting
with Trump since the very


He's a libertarian, so he
definitely sticks to those


I think I'm doing this doesn't
tell us anything else about the

rest of the Republicans -- I'm
working with libertarians right

now to get the United States
out of this endless war.

So the libertarians,
in that sense,

are the best allies
I have right now,

in trying to get thenited states
to stop fighting everybody in

the world with its military.

Right, but my point is finding
another republican to stand up

to Trump -- there are others.

Bill: You know of others?

Elected people?

There are people who are
thinking very hard -- who are


Bill: Yes, who are they?

Who are they these people?

I cover them all day, tell me
the cret I cover them all day in

a very different mode.

Behind the scenes.

But people who will come
out, like Justin amash,

and challenge the president, and
actually say he is going to be

impeache that is
just not happening.

I agree that the leadership of
the Democratic party is composed

of gutless cowards.

They are n like Mitch McConnell,
who will stick a knife in your

back at any time, and twisted.

But there are some people in
both parties actually sitting

down right now and thinking
about what is going to happen.

We are having a meeting on the
Georgetown campus next week and

we are going to talk
about four scenarios,

and you can name the
scenarios yourself, probably.

And what we are going to do
if those scenarios develop.

The plans we will build and so
forth in order to deal with --

bill: If Trump doesn't leave?

Things like that.

Or a contested election, like
in 1801 burr and Jefferson.

Bill: Could have a dual.

[Applause] To me, Justin
amash, he had a town hall,

and what was eye-opening to a
lot of people was this woman who

was interviewed after,
you may have seen this,

but if you haven't,
I want to showou.

I think this is the
heart of the problem,

this woman had never heard of
anything bad President Trump


Speaker I was surprised to hear
there was anything negative in

the Mueller report at all.

About President Trump.

I hadn't heard that before.

And I mainly listen
to conservative news.

And I hadn't heard anything
negative about that report,

and President Trump
had be exonerated.

Bill: Isn't that it
come in a nutshell?

It has to come -- Nancy
pelosi keeps saying,

if it doesn't come
from the people,

but if the people don't hear
it -- this woman, Justin amash,

republican congressman, finally
pried a little air hole in that


And this woman heard
it for the first time.

I guess my question for you
is the political question.

You are sit is now politically
a good thing to impeach.

Bill: I'm saying
is moving there.

If I got to that point, why
do you think that would help

democrats get rid
of Donald Trump?

Bill: Because I've heard a lot
about how, if we do impeach,

it will rile up his base.

His base was born riled.

I don't think they can get
any more riled up, right?

And I don't think they
can get any bigger.

So I think -- I don't worry
about the base being more crazy.

I think you do
through impeachment.

You go back to Watergate.

At the beginning, Howard baker
would never have said that the

process would end
the way it did.

The process itself reveals so
much and brought out so much


Think about the crimes
of Richard Nixon.

And then think about the
crimes of Donald Trump.

This process would be
revelatory to the maximum,

and you would get all of those
independents out there that are

going to decide
the next election.

[Applause] What we saw with that
woman underscores the political

gift that the Attorney General,
bill barr, gave to Donald Trump.

People don't remember that.

The significance of
putting out that summary,

and tn f there to be almost a
month way that sets what the

public absorbs as this report.

I mean, there is not a single
act I can think of during the

Trump administration that
has been more politically

advantageous to the president
and that singlect of putting out

that summary.

Bill: Right.

All right, let me ask
about the military,

because that is one of
your areas of expertise.

And something that I never could
even imagine as a comedy writer

happened this week when we heard
that the president's people,

he was in Japan, told the
Navy to hide a destroyer,

the USS John mccain,
because our president,

this whiny little tch -- [cheers
and applause] They call us


Couldn't bear to see the name of
his dead Nemesis, John mccain,

on the ship, and the sailors
couldn't watch his speech

because John mccain was on the
name of their uniform spirit he

said he didn't order it, but
plainly the people around him --

the shocking thing is
the secretary ofefen,

the sycophants that he is,
military-industrial complex

representative that he is, says
he didn't know anything about

it, and yet, I am hearing that
it was pretty much a thing that

went around thuilding,
and then went to Tokyo.

Bill: Yeah, the boat
is a trigger for him.

Worse than that, if you listen
to vice president pce's speech

on the plane at west point, and
you listen to penn's tell those

young men Ando be all over the
world, fighting America's wars,

in the middle east, in
Venezuela, whatever it might be,

that was a reprehensible speech
in my 75 years on this year's,

70 of which were sent and
enough to listen to his speech,

I've ever heard.

He is a vice predentf the United
States at the plane at west

point telling all of these
people that these wars we have

been in now for 18 years aren't
going to end back and they are

going to be participants in it.

This is crazy.

Wher are we headed?

[Applause] Bill: I'm dying to
ask everybody this question.

What does the military
see in Donald Trump?

Why do they like a guy
who is a draft dodger,

who denigrated the
war hero, John mccain,

and sides with our enemies.

He did it again this
week with Kim jong un.

What do they see in him?

Why the popularity?

Why does Trump -- oh, I got
the tough people on my side.

The polls show the enlisted
ranks probably voted in majority

for Trump.

The officer ranks
probably split,

more voting for Clinton
then voted for Trump.

But I tell you t officer ranks
didn't like Hillary Clinton

because they thought she
was a warmonger, too.

When you get to the high
ranking -- bill: And a woman,

to be honest paired >>
you are solutely right.

The military is still very
male-dominated society.

I don't know where they are now.

We've done some
informal polling,

and I'm not sure
with the military is,

but we are very interested and
where the military is for this

meeting coming up.

Bill: Trump floated the idea
this week of pardoning more


People who, in Afghanistan, were
reported by their own troops,

who did heinous things.

The back story here -- it's
quite a revealing back story.

Is that Pete hegseth, who
is a host of fox & friends,

who Trump had previously
considered to be the secretary

of the veterans
affairs department,

he has been talking
to Trump privately,

I've been told by multiple
sources, about this issue.

They've been having
phone calls about it.

Has been campaigning
on television about it.

That is one of the ways this
got onto the president's radar.

Bill: Right.

And I must say, we have done on
dictator checklist. Few times,

my I won't go down
the whole list again,

but it is very scary.

Military parades, your family
is in the government -- als the

thing you brought
up at the beginning.

The only other country that
would happen where they would

hide something from a leader
because they thought they would

freak out by seeing
it is a dictator.

Those are the only people
that would behave that way.

Oh, my gosh, we are just too
scared of what he might do if he

saw the USS John mccain,
and so we will hide it.

That is just not what
you doing democracy.

By the same token -- [applause]
Can I say something to


Really come a dictator?

He makes a lot of orders
that staff just ignore,

and they don't happen.

If what Trump had said, we would
already be out of multiple trade


Bill: That's another thing
dictators can get away with,

being crazy.


But the point I was
going to make there,

this is another
thing dictators do,

which is they bribe
the security apparatus,

you can do whatever you want.

You can commit war crimes --
is what he says to the police.

You can rough people off.

That is how you get the
tough people on your side.

That is concerning.

That is dictatory.

[Applause] One of the biggest
things he does as a dictator is

the way he is creating a
spectacle -- she's made the

entire government a spectacle.

And he makes everything
crazy and out of control,

the same way thatictators do, so
that people will eventually just


They will eventually
just say, it is too much,

I can't handle it,
everybody is crazy.

He is trying to just degrade
every institution that we have.

Bill: It was reported
today, it's not confirmed,

but south Korean press is
reporting that Kim jong un

killed the people who were
negotiating for him because the

negotiations didn't end well
when he met Trump in Vietnam

earlier this year.

That he had them killed.

What is the president
going to stay about that?

Speak of the Kim dynasty,
grandfather, father,

now Kim jong un,
this is their tactic.

Bill: But our president.

Don't talk too louy.

[Laughter] [Applause] Bill:
Still have friends that can help

me out.

Funny stuff.

I'm glad William weld was here,
because he is 1 of 3 that I

count who might be running
now on the replica ticket.

We have Larry hogan,
the governor -- yeah,

he's going to be president.

Bill: Maryland, he is
thinking or challenging.

Maybe Justin amash.

But all of these guys
have one big problem,

why they are never
going to unseat him.

Sorry, Mr. Wilde.

To get the republican

you have to go to
the right of Trump.

You have to be
more of a cane fan.

They don't have a guy like that
in the party, so we made one up.

[Applause] Like that woman, they
don't really always know what is

real, so I think they
will just believe it.

Governor butch manlys sobody we
think or take the nomination,

and we would like to show you
the campaign ad that we have

made for governor butch manly.

Announcer: Are you a lifelong
republican not sure if you can

handle another four
years of Trump?

Now there's a candidate for
those who believe Trump is not

republican enough:
Governor butch manly.




Father to sons
Reagan and Churchill.

Navy seal.

Hunter, gatherer.

Butch manly is a proud
capitalist who made his money

inventing a plastic made
only for throwing away.

Governor manly is author of the
Amazon bestselr "what the fuck

are you lookin' at?"

He's got Reagan's jaw,
Roosevelt's balls,

and Lincoln's log.

Butch manly knows six
foreign languages,

but ref to speak any of them.

He chops wood by shooting
it with a rifle and has a

confederate statue
on his front lawn.

Butch manly is staunchly
pro-life: He buys eggs at the

grocery store and shoves
them back inside chickens.

I'm butch manly, and
I approve Jack shit.

[Cheers and applause]
Bill: His new book is "Mr.

Know-it-all: The tarnished
wisdom of a filth elder "." John

waters everyone!

[Cheers and applause]
Bill: How are you?

Wait to see you.

Thank you.

Bill: You look fantastic.

You always look the same.

I'm trying to be as
disreputable as always.

Bill: I got to tell you,
you are a hero of mine.

What are you, 73 now?


[Applause] Bill: It's too
young, for v you are still alive

applause could kind of insult.

Ageism, don't judge people on
their age peer people are 95 and

still working the
fields in some places.

You just did acid
for the first time.

Not the first time.

Bill: Last time you were here,
you hitchhiked across the


That's true, I was
66 when I d that.

But acid, I hadn't done it
in 50 years, and I thought,

I had a great time then, so I
decided my new start for the

book was to take acid
at 70 with mink stole,

my friend of 50 years.

[Applause] Bill:
Of course, makes.

I had such nostalgia remembering
that phlegm in your throat,

what it feels like right
before you last off.

[Laughter] Bill:
Don't remember that.

You didn't ever trip?

Bill: I did, but I
didn't have phlegm.

Not telling young
people to take acid,

you have your pussy micro doses.

Old people, take it.

Bill: You know you love it.

Take it today, nobody
can say is dementia.

You are tripping!

[Laughter] [Applause] Bill:
You are always fit as a fiddle.

You've never canceled
a show, right?

No, I have never.

I've done it with the flu.

You know how to do it when you
have the time of wiping her nose

withaughwhen you're
doing a comedy show?

It's hard.

Bill: You seem to have
trouble with phlegm.

Everything comes down to that.

2,000 politically incorrect.

Never miss a stand-up show,
except when the plane couldn't

get there.

The show must go on.

Bill: It's interesting,
in your book,

you say there is no
downside to fame.

The only bad thing happen,
once I had a kidney stone,

the most horrible thing.

To go to the doctors and
be in the waiting room,

to say "Joe waters, what is the
matter with you." And you are

sitng tre.

But if you are famous, you
wouldn't have got an appointment

in New York City.

People come over and say hi
when you are eating dinner.

You paid for this dinner.

Bill: Leave the tape.

With this there is
fame, and ts fame.

But that is the point
of famw business,

network so hard
you can't go out.

Bill: Right.

In a weird way, you
are respectable now.

I try not to be.

Bill: They say, y kno
they can't get rid of you.

Old buildings and whores?

Sons suddenly becomes
respectabe over time.

And you are an old whore.

I try to keep it up by saying
things like I think stormy

Daniels lawyer is handsome
and will do well in jail.

[Laughter] I try to keep up.

Saying, basically I try to
be daily incorrect and say

everything against us is true.

We do recruit, there
is one, get them!

Bill: You're such a
great thing going on,

because everybody
else show business,

they go back in time and look
at what people did in the past,

and oh, that is not
politically correct,

that is not good enough today.

They find things in
friends, that shang,

homophobic -- the thing is
-- bill: But you were always

trying, aggressively -- I
am politically incorrect.

I make fun of
things that I love.

I'm not mean-spirited paired
what we have to do in the next

election -- I get why the
Trump people like him,

because we hate him.

But we have to make our
opponents not feel stupid,

which is what we do.

We have to make them feel smart
if they are going to change.

And that is the difference.

Bill: So check them and be able
to trick them because they are


[Laughter] I kid,
I kid, of course.

Should have the mting, all
of the Democratic candidates,

a secret one, and plot, let's
pick two come and all of the

rest quit now.

Bill: I'm going to get to that.

I love your book.

Books are for wise people.

You are wise.

One thing stupid
society doesn't get,

people get wiser
when they get old.

Every other society
has figured this out.

You are talking about
your youngerays.

Providence town.

You still live there?

Yeah, yeah, I go
there in the summer.

54th summer there appeared
to be on what week?

Hairy gay men -- bill:
They are getting fatter.

I saw one, I thought it was
a hedge, but it was a person.

And when we were tripping, it
was bare week, we didn't go out.

I couldn't.

Bill: When bears are
especially welcome to?

They have every week there
they have gay pilots week.

Who ever if that?

Anilingus week, that is coming.

[Laughter] [Applause] Sorry.

It's my job.

Bill: It's a big
anniversary this week.

Famous riot. Stone wall, the
[applause] People don't know,

there was a gay bar in the
village -- one that nobody went

to, t was all
hustlers and hookers.

Bill: That's great.

It was the same day
Judy garland died.

Could there be that gay a day?

Bill: The cops had
busted this place.

It was a mafia bar.

Bill: But back then, cops
use to rousing gay folks.

Drag queens had to have one pair
ofen'slothes or they would be

arrested paired so they wore
Jackie shorts under an evening


But they fought back.

Bill: You are saying it was
because of Judy garland had jus


I guess they were
feeling in a bad mood.

Bill: Okay.

I hope people of buy your.

I noticed this week,
with the Mueller report,

we were talking about, he had
to come out and don't read

anymore. Se people if
your book does fantastic,

it is not going to do
it books used to do.

But who wants to read that?

He didn't say anything.

It's like watching the weather,
and ey s 50/50 chance of rain.

It always will, maybe it won't.

Bill: I dug up an
old quote of yours,

if you go home with someone
and they don't have books,

don't fuck them.

[Cheers and applause]
Wisdom, I'm telling you.


I have an answer to that now.

If you go home with somebody
and have books in the bathroom,

don't fuck them either.

[Laughter] Because
that is disgusting.

The only good thing about death
is we don't have to move our

bowels again [laughter]
Bill: Let's talk about the

presidential race.

[Laughter] Speaking of turds.

[Cheers and applause] Bill:
You know, in years past, ,

and we said, we shouldnt
concentrate so much on the horse

race, why can't we talk
about the issues more?

But the horse race is the issue,
I don't care, maybe it is wrong,

but I can't look away.

Every week, I am
in the horse race,

because I need to know who is
the right person for this Jo?

Joe biden, way out ahead.

What you think of Joe biden?

H needs to not only
apologize to Anita hill,

he needs to apologize
to long John silver.

Remember, she had to
say that out loud.

He made that up.

Among drunk silver was a real
person, his penis was not,.

Bill: I have mixed feelings
about Joe, never my favorite,

but I keep saying, if he is the
one to beat Trump, I'm all in.

But I do worry.

I do worry.

Like I said about
age, it is individual.

Some people look pretty good.

Anthony Quinn look like
a leading man at 80.

Joe doesn't look good.

He looks like he is on a coin.

And he was talking to a
10-year-old girl this week.

And he said "I bet you are as
bright as you are good looking."

That is just not -- I worry he
is going to say that two days


Reminds me a lot of George h.W.

Bush in his last days.

Bill: David Copperfield, right?

People forget that.

Was close to the end, but George
Bush used to grab ass -- senior



Bill: Some joke about
David Copperfield was okay.

I'm a waspy republican,
so I can grab your ass.

He was the one -- it wasn't
lugar, it was Joe biden.

So weot to know Joe
biden pretty well.

While he was versed in the
issues and do the issues better

than lugar, he often would say
some things and do some things

that were just utterly weird.

Bill: Dick lugar?

Sounds like somebody in
one of your -- it does.

T Trump campaign
-- he just passed.

Bill: Oh, not like we
were trying to make fun.

Done a quite a lot of polling
in the states that need to win,

and they are pretty
concerned about biden.

He is crushin Trump in
the states they need,

particularly the rust belt are
taking a lot of the voters,


We forget w eay it was
at the stage in 2016,

Trump hadn't even announced,
still fantasizing there's going

to be Jeb bush or
governor Walker.

I think it is a bit of a
freeze pattern until the first

Democratic debate in late June.

You know, there are four or five
people that look like they could

potentially get the nomination.

Bill: What you think
about mayor Pete?

I like him.

That name sounds
like buffalo Bob.

[Laughter] It's a
little whimsical.

Bill: The last name, my spell
check still doesn't know who he


I like the idea of a middle
of the road, gay president.

But I don't know.

I hope he gets a running mate,
may be like Elijah cummings or

even better, al sharpton in
drag as Shirley chisholm.

Bill: That's not
going to happen.

Heful now. Ou are not being
I'm trying to lighten it up.

Bill: He is a veteran.

He went to Afghanistan.

He is attacking trp on this, I
noticed, over and over again,

and I think it is working.

I don't see Trump
saying anything back,

which is unlike Donald Trump.

Mayor Pete said "rackley,
Trump's idea that being sent to

fight makes you a medic were
criminal -- never served." When

he was prering for the seventh
season of the apprentice,

I was packing my
thanks Afghanistan.

That is really good.

I think that is one thing that
could stick to Trump pair they

don't care he is a crook, in
buyer, each eater, but scared?

They took hairdressers
and drug addicts first.

At w a special one they
had for special people.

Bill: Does that mean gay?

I think it meant gay.

I was one where they
said, you can't.

[Laughter] Bill: No offense,
but they made a wise decision.

They did.

Picture me in a tank.

I'm going to put a
fly on that argument.

I want to agree with you, but
I've been involved with groups

that are trying to look at
how we populate the military.

And right now, we've got about
300 million Americans who don't

do squat.

We've got less than 1% that
is bleeding and dying for the


And I think, though, that
seems a powerful argument,

that at the end of
the day, it isn't.

It just washes over
most Americans.

Most Americans look at the
military through a lens of

apathy, fear, guilt,
and ignorance.

Anthey don't want anything but
the NFL game with the military

out on the field, so they can
say thank you for your service

and all of that bull shit.

And most veterans
n't ke that at all.

Bill: What I don't get
about his followers,

the way he sides with
people who are not America.

What could be more definition
of treason -- what?

This comes to you from New York.

Bill: Trump a message,
make Russia great again.

Wanted me to give it to you.

Bill: The people we say,
thank you for your service,

they are all telling him one
thing, and then he says, no,

I'm with this guy,
I am with putin.

I heard the thank you
for your service people,

but I'm with Kim on this.

What is your take?

You showed the woman earlier,
most of the people who follow

him aren't following
any of this.

They don't see any of
this information, right?

And ultimately, the reason they
support him has to do is just a

couple of issues.

It haso do with the supreme
court, abortion in particular,

and cultural grievances.

When you really get down to it,
it is really cultural grievances

-- increasingly, 68 million
Evangelicals -- yeah,

it this idea -- they
just leave it out.

The economy is doing great.

Bill: It's doing great for some.


I actually think the economy, I
think the idea that they voted

him for economic reasons.

You look at all of this data,
it was driven by cultural

grievances and a sense of
wanting to go back to the good

old days.

Right, but what I am saying,
when you have the election,

stock market never goingo
recover, doomsday predictions,

and then actually,
basically the same,

those arguments kind of lose.

Bill: I keep rooting
for the recession.

All right, thank you, panel.

Time for "new rules," new rule:
Stop telling me we can't use the

25th amendment to remove
Trump for being insane.

Exhibit 1: These pants.

Exhibit 2: There
is no exhibit 2.

We just circle
back to the pants.

I don't know what's
sadder about this picture,

th theresident went to Arlington
and his pants fell down,

or that he just said, "mommy,
this golf course is hard."

[Laughter] New rule: Now that
the Noah's ark replica in

Kentucky is suing its insurance
company for rain damage.

Farmers has to sell a
special "irony" policy.

[Applause] Also, read
your current policy.

It specificalts." [Laughter] New
rule: "Sports illustrated" has

to quit bragging about its
first supermodel in burni.

Religion is for sad little men
who want to look at women but

fear the wrath of god.

Whereas the swimsuit
issue is for husbands.

[Laughter] New rule: Realbotix,
from the company that makes

realdolls, can't claim that
their new robot could pass for


And wise-asses have to stop
saying she could pass for


That's ridiculous.

That's obviously
ivanka on the...

I'm gonna say "left." [Laughter]
New rulenow at climbing mount

Everest is so common that you
have to wait in line for hours

to get your picture
taken on the summit,

don't expect me to see your
life as so different from mine.

You climbed Everest?

I do rush hour on the 405.

[Laughter] [Applause]
And finally,

new rule: If you're a democrat,
the conscience of your party

shouldn't be a republican.

[Laughter] [Applause] Recent
polls show democrats have lost

their enthusiasm edge
over Republicans,

and it's no wonder: They seem to
have shed none of the bad habits

that hurt them in recent
elections - the identity

politics, the purity
testing, the tty fighting.

Losing to Trump should have
jolted them into a higher state

of seriousness, but it
didn't: 23 candidates?

That's not a primary,
that's an "avengs" movie.

[Laughter] Stop worrying
about your lien is is.

Everyone is focused on their
own micro-targeted path from New

Hampshire to the iron throne.

They've all got their eye on
the pizza hut at the end of the

game, but no one's playing
well enough to earn it.

I say it's time we
"moneyball" this thing.

Democrats need a
coach, and this year,

I have tried to be that coach.

[Laughter] [Applause]
On fox news.

That is who needs to
hear your message.

You've got to get
in the bubble, man.

The audience that
is listening to it.

Hear the argument.

I will go.


Bill: Yeah, this has now
become an issue for all of the

democrats, with
many going on fox,

but if I am going to be your
coach, wait, I have a whistle,


All these candidates have to
remember one thing: "Winning is

a habit, unfortunately so is
losing." You know who said that?

Vince lombardi.

And he knew two things Hillary
Clinton didn't: How to win,

and where Wisconsin is.

[Laughter] And
that's rule number 1,

you've got to go
where the votes are.

Get out of "wokeville" for a
day and see what's going on in

"mullet-town." [Laughter]
You've got npr.

Go on fox!

And you can't let Trump
completely own the low road.

If he's going to call people
names, he should get it back.

A few weeks ago, when it came
out that he lost more money than

any other American
over a ten-year period,

I suggested this.

Elizabeth Warren, start
calling him brokahontas.

[Laughter] [Applause]

And it was just a stupid
enough to go viral.

Aughter] Rule number 2 is, as
far as the 2020 election goes?

The sign-up period is over.

No more candidates!

We're full.

[Applause] Will number 3:
Democrats, stand up to Twitter!

Catering to one contrived
outrage after another makes us

look weak.

Just because wokebabe99
gets mad at you,

doesn't mean e re of
America gives a crap.

It's great you're gender fluid,
but most of America thinks

gender fluid is what comes outi.

[Laughter] [Applause]
And for god sake,

stop apologizing for everything.

I know more about what
Democratic candidates have

apologized for than I know
their stance on the issues.

4: I want all democrats to
memorize these two words:

Message discipline.

Republicans win for two
reasons: Teamwork and cheating.

[Laughter] And they're
really good at both.

Democrats snipe and bitch at
each other -- they're like that

couple that's divorcing but
came to the dinner party anyway.

Not Republicans: They get and
that is something else I have

tried to impress
upon the candidates.

What about if the democrats
would call these Trump tariffs

-- I heard today, largest tax
increase, really, since 1993.

Why can't the democrats
do what republican do?

All get in a room and
get a talking point.

Something they all say,
and call it the Trump tax.

I want all of you motherfuckers
running for president to say


Trump tax.

All of you.

[Cheers and applause] Msnbc
sometimes shows a montage of a

dozen Republicans saying the
exact same thi on certain topic,

like "gotcha -- they all
said the same thing!"

That's not a gotcha,
that's how you win!

You're afraid that being on
messagmakeyou look too much like

a politician?

Let me tell you something: The
millennial vote will not be won

through tweeting in emojis or
calling your budget plan "fire."

They can smell desperation
through their phones,

so cut the crap and just "do
you." Enough with the videos.

People want an authority
figure as president,

not someone who looks like a
10-year-old in the barber's


[Laughter] [Applause] Joe biden
gets a colonoscopy every year,

if he stays the froe going
to have to live stream that?

From now o no unts!

No stones.

Like two weeks ago, when
congressman Steve Cohen brought

kfc into session to remind
everyone that bill barr was too

chicken, get it, to testify.

A picture is worth
a thousand words,

but none of those words should
be "look at that idiot." If you

want to bring something nasty
and greasy into a house hearing,

subpoena Don Jr.!
Ok, that's our show.

I'll be at the fox theater
in Detroit, June 22nd,

at the Ruth eckerd hall in
clearwater, Florida, August 4th,

and at the state theatre in
Minneapolis, August 17th.

I want to thank my guests,
Jonathan swan, Kirsten powers,

Lawrence wilkerson, John
waters, and governor wilam wd.

Stay tuned for
"overtime" on YouTube.


Thank you, folks!

♪ ♪ Wom I was
born in Mexico.