Rat Race (2001) - full transcript

* Well, I wake up
in the mornin' *

* Each and every day *

* And I sit down at the table
and I hear my daddy say *

* Life is nothin'
It's a nothin' *

* Life is nothin'
but a slap in the face *

* Life is nothin'
It's a nothin' *

* Life is nothin'
but a fat rat race *

* Oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah *

* Oh, yeah, yeah *

* Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Every night I have a dream *



* That you're takin'
off your dress *

* The only thing you're wearin'
is a button on your chest *

* And the button
it says nothin' *

* Life is nothin'
but a slap in the face *

* Life is nothin'
It's a nothin' *

* Life is nothin'
but a fat rat race *

* What is life *

* What is life *

* A rat race, a rat race *

* What is life *

* What is life *

* A rat race, a rat race *

* A rat race, a rat-rat race *

* Oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah *



* Oh, yeah, yeah *

* It's a jungle out there
and I know I don't belong *

* So all night long
I just sing my stupid song *

* Get a body out
in the rat, in the race *

* Get a body out
in the rat, in the race *

* Get a body out in the rat *

** [Rapping]

* To the sound of the storm comin' strictly from the B-A-H-A M-E-N *

* Oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah *

* Oh, yeah, yeah *

* Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah *

** [Rapping]

* Life ain't nothin'
but a big rat race *

** [Rapping]

* Life ain't nothin'
but a big rat race *

* Life is nothin'
It's a nothin' *

* Life is nothin'
but a slap in the face *

* Life is nothin'
It's a nothin' *

* Life is nothin'
but a fat rat race *

* Oh, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah *

* Oh, yeah, yeah *

* Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah **

Hi. I'm checking out.
14322.

Mr. Schaffer?

- That's me.
- [Printer Whirring]

I have your bill right here.
Great. Thank you.

How was your luck last night?
I don't... I didn't gamble.

I was just here for a friend's bachelor party.
I guess he's the gambler.

Uh...

What's this $110?

Those are your in-room movies.
I didn't watch any movies.

Okay, let's see.
Afro Whores.

Afro Whores?

You watched it... let's see...
Uh, 11 times.

No. No, no...

Afro Whores, 2:30.
Afro Whores, 4:00. Afro Whores, 5:30.

It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes...

and then switched back
over to Afro Whores.

I swear I didn't watch it.
I was at a bachelor party.

There were 35 people there.
You can ask any of them.

You have to take that off my record.
This is not a record, sir.

It's a delete. Okay, fine.
How many times did you watch it?

None! I didn't watch it.

Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way,
backdoor action,

featuring
two sexy soul sisters..."

I don't need to know what it's about.
I did not watch it.

I didn't.

[Man On TV] Drove 500,
and Chipper Jones struck out in that key situation.

He's 0 for 5,
lost three straight games.

This month he has
a one-game winning streak.

[Man Continues, Indistinct]

Miss? Miss, can I have
another one of these, please?

Oh, sorry.
I thought you were a woman.

I am a woman.

You know, you look
kind of familiar.

Yeah, you do.

You know, I get that
all the time.

I guess I just have
one of those faces.

And now for our loser of the week.
This week it's a no-brainer.

Referee Owen Templeton made the biggest
bonehead call in the history of football.

I think everyone remembers.
It happened last Sunday at Dallas with the score tied at 10.

They were headed towards
overtime. Everything was cool.

They were about to toss the coin
to see who would kick off.

Dallas, call it in the air.
Tails.

That's heads.
That was tails.

No, no, no. It's, uh...
That was tails.

No... Wait! Hang on!
It's, uh... Now, what did I say?

Tails!
It's tails.

It's heads.
What are you doin'?

[Crowd Booing]
[Whistle Blowing]

[Crowd Booing] [Man On TV] You saw...

Okay, little brother,
just be cool.

Just be cool.

Okay, this is it.
See that glass?

Walk across the lobby,
slip on the glass, let gravity do the rest.

[Mumbling]
I might "eak" my neck.

It's true. You could break your neck.
It's a risk I'm willing to take.

[Mumbling]
Why don't "oo" do it?

Because, Einstein, one of us
needs to be the victim,

and one of us needs
to be the witness.

What kind of witness would you make?
I'm your own brother. I don't know what you're sayin'.

How's your tongue?
Let me see it.

[Mumbling]
How's it look?

It looks good.
It looks much better.

- [Murmurs]
- Okay, here we go.

- Uh...
- We're on Candid Camera, so make it look good.

[Screaming]

- [Both Gasp]
- [Groaning]

[Gasping] Excuse me.
I'm a lawyer. Gloria Allred.

What the hell happened here?
She slipped on that glass.

Those arrogant jerks. They're gonna pay for this.
They're gonna pay through the nose.

[Gloria] How's your neck?
I've never seen such negligence.

This is going to be huge.

She's an angel.

What a cute little face.
Would you look at those cheeks?

She's absolutely beautiful.
She has your eyes.

It's the only picture I have of her.
It's all worn out 'cause I'm always looking at it.

And you haven't seen her for 27 years?
Not till today.

She just called you out of the blue?
No, I found her.

I hired a detective. I spent all my money,
and now we're going to meet.

You think she'll recognize me?
Of course she will, won't she?

Yeah.
She will.

[Gasps]

Vera Baker.

My baby...

[Cell Phone Rings]
Oh. Uh...

Excuse me.
I have to take this. [Rings]

[Phone Beeps]
This is Merrill.

No! That's unacceptable!

Listen, tell Warren if we don't ship by Tuesday,
we won't be in the stores by Mother's Day.

That's unacceptable,
so don't give me any excuses, and do it!

Do it!
Just shut up and get it done!

[Crackling]

Oh, honey,
you broke your phone.

It's okay.
I carry extras.

Oh. Why don't we sit down?

Yes.

You probably have
a thousand questions for me.

No.

I was young.
I didn't tell anybody I was pregnant.

- And I felt I could handle it at the time.
- [Weeping]

Hi.
Do you think you gals could pull yourselves together and bring us a drink?

Oh. Sure. Yeah. Sure.
What would you like?

[Together]
Mimosa.

They both want a mimosa.

So, you sell cosmetics?

Yeah.
I have my own company. Oh!

And we're going public.

And you're not married?

Lucianne said you wouldn't.
Who?

Lucianne. She's my psychic.
She's the one who told me to come look for you.

She said you needed me.

She did?
She said you were lonely...

and that you were worried about money
and that you had trouble sleeping.

Who the hell isn't?

See?
I told you we didn't need a bellman.

Yeah, well, congratulations, Randy.
You avoided another tip.

Those nickels and dimes
add up, my dear.

I call this bed!
[Boy] Hey, no fair.

You got to pick last night.
Go to hell, Jason.

[Jason] Make me.
Hey, language, please.

Bev, his and her bathrobes.
Yes.

Look at that view.
Yeah.

Nice view. Okay, honey.
Why don't you unpack?

Okay.
I'm just gonna go look around.

Wait, wait, wait.
You're not going to the casino?

No, no, of course not.

I just drove from the Grand Canyon.
Gotta stretch my legs.

You swore to me on your mother's eyes
we are here to see David Copperfield.

No gambling. No gambling.
I'm just lookin' around.

In fact, I'm gonna go
to the gift shop.

[Jason]
I can jump farther than you.

I can jump farther.
No way. Watch.

- [Both Groan]
- Ooh.

That's gotta hurt.
Honey, kids need ya.

Hey, Nick. Nicky!
Hey.

You're not leaving?
I'm in court on Tuesday.

No, you're not.
I work for people who are in court on Tuesday.

You pussy. You can't leave.
It's still goin' on up there.

Richie, I have to.
I've had two hours sleep.

Steve Cunningham just got another stripper.
You got to see this one.

She's incredible.
I got to get back.

No, you don't, Nick.
I know you. You're scared.

You're scared it's gonna
get out of control up there.

Someday you'll be up for attorney
general and it'll come back to haunt you.

I'm not having this conversation.
You didn't even gamble.

Not one quarter.
That's no way to live.

In fact, that ain't even livin'.
It's hiding.

I'm not hiding from anything.
Oh, no?

Okay, then prove it.

Do something, anything.
Break one rule.

Here. Look. Nick, a paper.
Come on. Take it.

Take it. Come on, Nick.
Take it.

Aha.

[Scoffs] I have a plane to catch, okay?

I'll see you in Chicago.

[Bell Rings] Oh, look,
I won! I won!

Look at the money
comin' down.

Oh, look. Look, look, look.
What's... What's...

"You're a winner.
See guest services."

What? A dollar?

Ooh!

Come on, baby. Come on!
** [Plays Tune]

[Coin Clatters]
Ya-hoo!

** [Plays Tune]

[Mutters]
Come on.

- ** [Plays Tune]
- We won!

We won one. What is this?
This isn't money.

** [Plays Tune]

That's the prize?
A free buffet?

Actually, it's not a buffet.

It's a special reception at 10:00 in the penthouse conference room.

- Oh!
- "Where a spectacular..."

once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity awaits you."

That's all I know.

What do you think?
I think it's some kind of scam.

Oh, good! A scam!
We'll do it.

- I'll need to see some I.D.
- Okay.

- There. I gambled.
- ** [Plays Tune]

Family vacation, huh?
These are the moments you got to savor, right?

They'll never come around again.
Exactly.

Excuse me.
Do you know what's going on?

Free grub.
That's what's going on.

This room is fabulous.

Excuse me.
Does anybody know what we're doing here? Beats me.

[Murmuring] [Randy] Oh,
my God.

You should sue somebody.

[Mumbling]
I did it myself.

What? He said he did it himself.
Sent away for a kit.

I knew I recognized you.
You're the referee... the bonehead.

Well, you know,
that's just the media blowing it out of proportion.

My hairdresser's husband
lost $800 because of you.

Everybody thinks we flip quarters.
Can I have a picture with you?

It's really a commemorative coin.
Look.

Smile.
Please. You...

[Knocking]

Am I too late-a?
Look. I won a coin.

A gold coin.
Oh, isn't this w-wonderful?

Look at this r-room.

What a beautiful room.
Have you seen this room?

Yes! We're in it.

I am Enrico Pollini.

Now, I know what you are thinking.
Enrico is a girl's name.

No, I wasn't.
No pun intended.

What pun is that?
Food. Look at all this food.

What a beautiful party.
[Gasps] Little cockdoggies.

They're called
cocktail wienies.

Wienies. Ah! I'm so sorry.
My English is not so good.

But I'm learning.
Mmm!

That's it. Vera.
We're outta here. Huh?

I just want to say good-bye.
Good-bye, y'all. [Man] Excuse me.

Thank you all for coming.
I'm Donald Sinclair. I own this hotel.

We don't have much time.

There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth.

The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet.

I built a bunker in the basement of this
casino strong enough to withstand the blast.

There's room for eight people.
I have chosen the seven of you, plus me.

When this is over,
it'll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet.

- [Exhales]
- [Whimpers]

[Laughing]

I couldn't resist!
I'm sorry.

[Laughing Continues]

[Chuckles]
A joke. He made a joke.

Do sit down, please.
Merrill, you and your mother can sit over here.

How do you know
she's my mother?

Alas, there are
no secrets anymore.

Actually, that's not quite true.
There is one secret, one last secret.

It involves all of you.

- I'm getting goose pimples.
- Hey...

Ah, Mr. Schaffer!

Curiosity got the better of you, eh?
Come and sit down.

I'm fine. Thanks.
You haven't missed anything.

We were just cutting to the chase.
[Laughs]

Cutting to the chase.
[Laughs]

Well, you'll laugh later.

Now, as you know,
the odds against winning a jackpot downstairs...

or hitting the state lottery are astronomical...
millions to one.

A serious person doesn't
even bother, but today...

you have the chance
of playing a game...

where the odds of winning
are one in six.

One in six.

It's one throw...

of the dice.

[Laughs]
[Door Opens]

Ah! This is my attorney,
Mr. Grisham,

who tragically was born
without a personality.

Mr. Grisham is insisting that anyone who
wishes to participate in our experiment...

should sign this waiver,
absolving the casino from any responsibility or damages,

personal liability,
blah, blah, blah.

So, who do you like,
Claude?

The young woman in the black coat.
She looks desperate.

Yes, but she has
her mother with her.

That could slow her down, hmm? Perhaps.

Now, 563 miles from here...

is a little town called
Silver City, New Mexico.

Gold rush.
Quite right, Nick.

Yes, they struck gold there
in 1860.

It was the second largest
gold rush in American history.

Very good, Nick. I think
Nick should be our captain.

Uh, in downtown Silver City,
there's a train station.

Can't miss it. As you go in the front door,
there's some lockers on the right.

Mr. Grisham,
do you have the keys?

Six identical keys.

They all open the same locker.

That's locker 001.

Inside the locker is a red duffel bag.
Inside the red duffel bag...

is $2 million.

In cash, fifties and hundreds,
makes a pile about so big.

First one there
keeps it all.

- [Donald Laughs]
- Ooh!

I put transmitting devices in your key rings so I can keep track of you.

And, uh, that's it.

Go.

You just can't pick people
at random.

I can do anything I like,
Owen. I'm eccentric.

[Growls]
Go!

Wait, wait.
So, it's like a race?

- [No audio]
- A race. It's a race.

I hope I win.

Um, what are the rules?

There's only one rule.
Are you ready? Here it is.

There are no rules.

Go.

Go!

So now when you say, "Go,"
you mean just go?

Uh, begin, commence,
uh, start moving.

Theoretically, you have been
racing for about 40 seconds.

So far,
Mr. Schaffer is winning,

because he's nearest
to the door.

[Sighs]

[Gunshot]
[All Screaming]

- [Screaming]
- You're crazy!

A r-race! A r-race!
You have to pace yourself.

Carbohydrate is important.
Pasta is good.

Breathing... [Inhales,
Exhales] is important.

[Inhales, Exhales]
Scusi. One...

It's some sort of joke.
It has to be. [Man] Yeah.

What kind of jackass
just gives away $2 million?

Maybe it's
a publicity stunt.

What kind of publicity?
He swore us all to secrecy.

Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt.
A secret publicity stunt?

[Vera]
Yes!

I don't know what his angle is,
but there's always an angle.

Donald Sinclair...
People like him make millions of dollars every day...

playing people
like us for chumps.

I'm nobody's chump.
So you don't believe...

11:30, nonstop to Chicago.
I'm gonna be on it.

You know what?
He's right.

I'm not cuttin' short
my first family vacation...

in three years to go on some half-assed wild goose chase.

Okay, so,
you're not goin' for it?

No.
No.

[Mumbling]
I don't think so.

Not me, no.
No. Great.

I guess that's that, huh? Right.

It was nice meetin' y'all.
I'm gonna take the stairs.

My room's just two floors down,
so nice meetin' ya.

Hey, have a nice vacation.

You know,
it's probably stuck.

I think I'm gonna
take the stairs too.

* Who let the dogs out Woof, woof, woof,
woof * Crap.

* Who let the dogs out
Woof, woof, woof, woof *

- Go, go, go, go! - Come on, Vera!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

* The party was nice
The party was jumpin' *

[Merrill] Watch out!
* Yippie, yi, yo *

- [Panting]
- Comin' through!

- [Gasping, Groaning]
- [Shouting]

[Elevator Bell Dings]
Hold the door, please.

Take your time.
No rush.

Get up!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

This is crazy. If we're all gonna go for it,
why don't we go for it together?

You know,
split the money 50-50.

[Mumbling] Fifty-fifty?
You know what I mean. Whatever, whatever.

Yes, yes, that's a good plan.

It's a race.
It's a r-race.

I'm winning. I'm winning.

[All Shouting]

And they're off!

[Chuckling]
No one...

No one is offering you
action like this.

A horse race with animals
that can think and plan...

and lie and cheat
and play dirty.

Hmph. It's the gambling
experience of a lifetime.

It's my way of saying
I understand men like you.

I know what you want.
I know what you need.

This casino... my casino...
Is where you belong.

I got it!
Excuse me!

To the airport.
You got it.

We're out the door.
I don't see you. Where are you?

I forgot to tip the maid. I always tip the maid.
Forget the maid. There he is!

Come on! Let's go!
Okay, okay.

Bev, this is a real job!
I swear!

What is it?

Huh?

The job?
What's the job?

Ink... for fountain pens.

- And they're in New Mexico?
- Silver City, New Mexico.

I love New Mexico.
Honey, we'll go with you.

No!
Why not?

Because... we've already paid for the room.
Ah! Now look who's wasting money.

No, no, no. No.
This was your idea to stop here.

I don't care about David Copperfield.
This is our family vacation. We'll go with you.

But you don't understand...
We will go with you!

[Stammers] Fine.
Yes!

Fine. Fine. Here. Call the bellman.
Have him bring the van around.

You happy? You happy?
Okay.

Scusi. Scusi.
I'm in a race. Scusi. Oh!

Scusi. It's a race.

[Mutters, Sighs]

[Snoring]

What is he doing?
I think he's sleeping.

Sleeping? He must be narcoleptic.
It's a rare sleeping disorder.

But I bet on him! So did I.
Two million dollars.

I'm sorry, gentlemen.
All the bets are locked in.

[Laughing]
Sleeping! Sleeping!

[Tires Screeching]
[Horns Honking]

- [Horn Honking] - Look out!
- Don't tell me how to drive!

It's only yellow.
It's only yellow. Run it!

- [Jason] Where's my video game?
- Seat belts, everyone.

- Honey, what is the rush?
- I don't wanna be late. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

You're not just a travel agent,
Roger. You're an angel.

There's one charter plane
available in Las Vegas.

We just bagged it.
Ooh.

[Man On Radio] Back to pass.
Get rid of it.

Looks to his left.
Get rid of it. Throw the ball!

That's why you're not
gonna get drafted!

You'll be lucky to play
arena football in Barcelona!

- You like football?
- Sure.

Did you happen to catch that,
uh, Dallas game last week?

You can't really call it a game. It was an obscenity.
It was a crime against football.

I lost 20 grand on that game!
And they would have won!

Now I gotta work two shifts
because of that idiot!

Stevie Wonder could have done a better job calling that game.

[Plane Engine Roaring] Where the hell's the airport?

[Tires Screeching]

One lousy flip of the coin and the whole
franchise goes straight down the crapper.

That'll be 10.50, buddy.
Keep the change.

Hey, hey, hey! Thanks a lot.
You have a nice flight. Yeah! Whoo!

You know who that was?
Nah.

That was the ref.
The guy from the game? The coin toss!

Oh, my God! You're right!
That was him!

I had him in the cab,
and I let him go!

Where are we going?
We gotta go. Come on. Just go.

Go, go, go, go, go.
Chumps.

[Woman Sneezes]

** [Tune Plays]
[Coins Clattering]

[Man Chuckles]

Excuse me. Hi.

I'm not a creep or anything.
I don't have any quarters.

Oh, no, um, no. I never do this,
but I'm reading the same book you are.

Look. See? Lindbergh.
Hmm.

It's fantastic, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.

What part are you on?
He just had a sex change.

Who did? Lindbergh?
Mm-hmm.

- Sex change?
- Ooh, yeah. Ooh.

That's funny.

I thought so.
That's funny.

I wouldn't be too proud
of yourself though.

I'm the most gullible
guy in Chicago.

Uh-huh.

Can I buy you a drink?

I can't. I'm flying.

- So, it'll relax you.
- No, I mean, I'm flying. I'm a pilot.

Oh. Ah.

Pilot? Are there
a lot of female pilots?

There's at least one.

As soon as I walk away,
I'm gonna think of something great to say to that.

Good. Mail it to me.

Flight 115 to
Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Gate 17. You better hurry.
Four tickets to Albuquerque.

Please. Near the front of the plane.
Please. All right.

Come on!

This is so exciting.
I've never been on a private plane before.

This is bigger than my condo.

Gentlemen, what's our E.T.A.?
One hour and ten minutes.

If you can do it in less than an hour,
I'll buy you both dinner.

You're on...
[Both Groan]

Watch it. Move. Excuse me.
Move. Move! Move! Move!

- Who was next?
- I was!

I was!
I was!

What? You were not next!
Are you callin' me a liar?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am.
We've been in line over 20 minutes.

Is that the correct time?
Hey! Whoa!

Yes, it is.

- Who's next?
- They were, right there.

- Two tickets to Albuquerque.
- [Keys Clicking, Machine Beeps]

I'm sorry. Ouch. We're completely booked.
There's nothing.

[Machine Beeps] Oh, there's a 4:30,
but you have to switch in Dallas.

[Mumbling, Indistinct]

What do you mean that's it?
I'm not givin' up and neither are you.

And neither am I!
I'll tell you something, brother.

If we're not flyin' outta here,
no one is flyin' outta here.

[Gasps]

[Engine Revs]

Whoo!
[Laughs] Okay!

[Buzzer Buzzes]

Well, that can't be good.

Duane!

Ooh!

- Whoa!
- [Gears Grinding]

No!
[Grunting]

[Gasps]

Blaine! Blaine!

Oh! Oh, no.
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

[Screams]
Blaine!

[Grunts, Gasps]

[Gasps]
Shit!

[Screaming]

[Shouting]

[Shouting Continues]

I can't!
[Screaming]

What are you doin'?
I don't know where to go!

Move! Aah!
Trying to kill me?

Duane, stop the car!
Stop the car!

Oh, no! [Shouts] Hey!
Hey! Oh!

Blaine! Blaine!
[Grunting]

[Duane]
Whoa, girl! Jesus!

[Screaming]

[Gasps]

[Sobbing]

[Crying]

Freeze everything, every flight.
Get me Central Operations.

[Screaming]

[Woman On P.A.]
Attention all passengers.

Due to a technical problem
with our radar tracking system,

all flights are postponed
until further notice.

We apologize for
any inconvenience.

Come on. We gotta go.

Hurry up!
The bags?

Forget the bags!
Let's go!

Comin' through!
[Stammering]

This is your license?
Yes, it is.

Where was it issued?
In Guam.

[Horn Honks,
Gears Grind]

Just head east,
and I'm in a hurry.

Hello again. East it is.

We have a, uh,
midsized Caprice.

What color is it?
We don't care about color.

Just give us whatever car
is parked closest to the door.

Ask about insurance.

Would you be interested in purchasing liability insurance?

How much is it?
It doesn't matter. We'll take it.

Just hurry.

[Keys Clicking,
Machine Beeps] Hit enter.

[Machine Beeps]
Now shift.

[Machine Beeps] Shift key.
Right there. Yeah.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Laughs]

Hey, watch it!

Bus!
White people!

Idiot!

Okay, I've got one.

What?
A great comeback.

Oh, okay.
Okay.

I said, "Are there
a lot of female pilots?"

And you said,
"There's at least one."

I should have said,
"Two if you count Lindbergh."

'Cause you said
he had a sex change.

It's a work in progress.
Okay.

I'm Nick Schaffer.
Tracy Faucet.

So I guess you can have
that drink now.

No, I told you I'm flying.
I'm leaving for Roswell in five minutes.

Didn't you hear?
Everybody's grounded.

That's only for fixed wing. I'm in a chopper.
We use a different system.

Oh.

Roswell, New Mexico?
Uh-huh.

- You're flying to New Mexico?
- Yeah, we've been flying down all week.

They're repainting
the whole fleet.

You can fly.
Nobody else can fly.

But you can fly.

And you're flying to New Mexico.
Yeah.

But nobody else can fly.
Yeah.

Do you need a ride?

Come on!
[Grunting]

Coconut. Coconut!
Who had coconut?

I did.

Ah, Phil.

[Jason] That's the kind of car that I'm gettin'.

Yeah? Don't count on it.
Why not?

Because the Volkswagen Beetle was used by the Nazis.

I would not be comfortable
driving around in one.

So, don't drive it. I will.
Dad, I have to go.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do. I really do.

- We just stopped!
- I couldn't go. The bathroom was too gross.

Well, can't you hold it in?
I can't! It's an emergency.

Honey, there's
a restaurant.

That's three miles off the road,
and then three miles back. We lose ten minutes.

So what?
Your daughter has to go to the bathroom.

Please stop, Dad.
All right.

Jason, look back there
for an empty jar.

A jar?
Girls don't pee in jars.

Oh, all right, sorry.

Jason, we're gonna
need a jar and a funnel.

Dad, I don't have to pee.
It's number two!

- Sorry, I can't stop.
- Dad, I'm prairie-dogging it.

What does that mean?

Like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.

Hmm. Oh!

Oh!
Oh!

I do not want
to picture that.

Yes, sir,
Silver City it is.

Buddy.
It's about 700 miles.

You don't mind, do ya?
Oh, no. No, no, I don't mind.

A job's just
another job for me.

About how much you think
that's gonna cost?

I wouldn't worry about it.
Tell you what.

You just pay me
whatever you think is fair,

'cause I trust your judgment.
Hmph.

I hate you. I hate you!

Nobody look. I'm gonna turn on the radio, honey,
so nobody can hear you.

** [Mariachi On Radio] I'll never forgive you.
I hate you.

[Randy] Nobody can hear you, honey.
Push away.

[Nick Laughing]

[Laughing]
Whoo-hoo!

I'm gonna drop you off right there.
There's a parking lot right near the hospital.

Great. Great.
So what's wrong with her?

- Who?
- Your sister. You said it was serious.

Oh, uh, yeah.
Shark bite.

- A shark bite?
- Yeah.

They took her
to Silver City?

They have a really good
shark attack unit there.

[Clears Throat]
How fast was I going?

Where are we?
Oh, it's a shortcut I know.

Well, maybe we should stick to the highway.
There's a thought.

You say we should stick to the highway.
I say we should take my shortcut.

Why don't we just flip a coin?
It's not what you think.

Come on, you blind son of a bitch!
Wait! Stop it!

Where's that whistle? Give me that goddamn whistle!
I'm gonna shove it up your ass!

Come back here!
Arrivederci.

Ooh, ah, ooh, ooh,
ah, ooh, ooh, ah!

Ooh! Oh, shit. Ooh!
Ah, ooh.

[Whimpering]
I'll kill him. Ah!

Ooh, ah, ooh, ow, ow,
ooh, aah, ooh!

Ah, ooh, ah, ah!
Oh, a-ha-ha!

- Squirrel?
- No, thank you. We're looking for the interstate.

I get that a lot 'cause of the detour.
[Chattering]

Oh, now they've
lost their way.

Now they can't go home.
[Sobbing] You sure you don't want one?

We're sure. Thank you.

They make crackerjack pets.
I taught this one to shake hands.

He's not for sale though.
Who wants to go home with the nice ladies, huh?

"Oh, pick me. Pick me.
Oh, don't be afraid. I don't bite.

- What's your name, pretty lady?"
- Vera.

Ma'am, uh, really.
We're not interested.

Well, I'm not talkin' to you,
am I? I'm talkin' to Vera.

What about Bucky here?
He just loves to climb the trees and eat the nuts.

Ma'am, we do not
want a squirrel.

Do you or do you not know
where the interstate is?

Of course I do. I'm not retarded.
"Tell 'em about the shortcut."

Oh, thank you, Bucky.

I almost forgot.
There's a dandy shortcut.

It'll bring you right to exit 14.
It'll save you 30 miles.

- Oh!
- Now listen carefully.

You want to go straight
down here exactly 1.8 miles.

- 1.8.
- And you make a left at the Totem Pole Ranch.

Go 5.4 miles and
you're gonna go up a big hill.

You'll see a big yellow sign
with some graffiti on it.

There's a little dirt road. Take that on the right.
It'll take you to the interstate.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Oh, wait a minute.
Take some nuts with you...

just in case
you see a squirrel, okay?

Okay.

"Bye. Bye. Oh,
you could have bought me."

[Murmuring] You'll make it.
You'll make it.

Ah. Ah.

[Grunting]

[Grunting Continues]
Where am I?

Wow! A Barbie Museum!
Can we stop?

Sorry, Kimmy. We have a plan,
and we're gonna stick to the plan.

Please, Daddy.
Please, please, please, please, please.

Hey, hey!
It's not fair.

We never get to stop
anywhere I want to.

I'm sure Jason doesn't want
to go to the Barbie Museum.

Are you kiddin'? I'll stop anywhere.
I'm wigging out back here.

Yeah, okay, honey.
You need to pull over and stop to give the kids a break.

Yeah, okay,
maybe on the way back.

- Stop the car.
- I can't do that.

- We all need to stop the car.
- No can do.

- You need to stop the car.
- No!

Stop the car!

[Groans]

[Groans]
Okay, fine, but 10 minutes.

Wow! The Barbie Museum.

Klaus Barbie,

sometimes known as
the Butcher of Lyons.

Let the Jew revisionists talk about their death camps...

and so-called crimes
against humanity.

This museum is lovingly dedicated to
the Klaus Barbie that nobody knows.

The husband, the devoted father,
the wine connoisseur...

and three-time
ballroom dancing champion.

[Mumbling] Hey, hey,
there's that guy, the "udgy" one.

Barbie joined
the S.S. in 1935...

where he soon became one of the Fuhrer's favorite young officers.

Uh, can we go?
Shh.

Here we see him standing
beside Hitler's touring car,

the very same car which can be seen on display outside in our courtyard.

You're leaving?

What...
[Laughs]

No... Yes. Well, we have a 4:30 book burning,
and then we have a...

A christening.
Yes, a christening...

for one of our many white,
Christian, non-Jewish friends...

Family. Blood relatives.
Yes, the Himmler Hessin Von Sturichberg...

Okay. Thank you so much.
Yes, love your do.

Thank you. It's beautiful.
We had a great time.

Wow! Oh, a gift shop.

Yes, I know, honey. Next time.
I promise. I really do.

Just go. Just go.

What is... Oh, my God!
We've been cut! What do we do now?

I say we take
the interstate.

No, "ake" Highway "well."
That's a shortcut.

You don't know what the shortcut is.
It could be anything. It could be a dirt road.

You know what? There are "oo" of us.
Why don't we just separate?

What?
There's "oo" of us.

"Amy" we should
"ust" separate.

You're right.
You're a genius.

There's two of us. If we separate and you steal a car,
we can both go our own way...

and double our chances
of gettin' there first.

All right.
You take the...

We only got one "ee."

Oh, look, there it is.
Totem Pole Ranch, turn left.

1.8 miles exactly.
All right, squirrel lady.

[Horn Honking]

I can't believe it, Dad.
You just stole Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz.

Hitler had it comin'.
What goes around comes around.

They're gonna
be pissed.

They're always pissed, honey.
They're Nazis. It's like it's their job.

Hey, honey, when we get to Silver City,
we'll call 'em. We'll work somethin' out.

Yee-hoo!

North?

A little detour.
It'll just take a minute.

I just wanted to say hi
to my boyfriend.

Oh.

[Gasps, Pants]

I can't believe it.
That... That son of a bitch!

That's Charlene's car.

- Charlene?
- His ex-girlfriend, or so I thought.

Come on now.
I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

She probably came by just to pick up some clothes or... Oh!

Nice and warm.
[Laughs]

- [Growls]
- Okay.

[Exhales]

[Laughs]
What the... No!

[Screams]
Get down!

[Gasping]

Did I come at
a bad time, asshole?

[Growls] I'll ram this helicopter right down your throat!

- Ahh!
- No! Whoa!

Hey! Whoa!
What are you doing?

Don't worry about me. My father's a navy pilot.
I've been flying since I was 15.

I'm not worried about you.
I'm worried about me.

Shawn, you have a minute?
I want to talk about our relationship.

[Both Screaming]

[Grunts]

Suck on that, creep!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

- Oh!
- Ah!

- That's...
- Not the truck!

[Shawn Shouts]
Oh, my God!

Come on. Help me.
Open it.

I'm not comfortable...

Open it!
Okay.

[Screams]

[Laughs]

She's gonna kill me.

We should get outta here.
Not yet!

You two-timing,
backstabbing snake!

You worm! You turd!

My God! What was I thinking?
I want my five months back!

I'm getting
the tattoo removed!

- No!
- [Laughs]

- [Laughs]
- Hey! - Oh!

[Shawn]
Stop hitting me!

Where are you goin', baby?
Wait for me! No!

[Nick Yelling]

[Nick]
No! Oh! Whoa!

No!
[Shouts]

[Shouts, Groans]

- I think we just killed him.
- You can't kill him! He's like a cockroach.

[Beeping]

- Uh-oh.
- No, no, no, no-oh!

No, fix the... Oh!

[Nick] No!
[Screaming]

Should we be this low?
[Screaming]

[Grunting, Gasping]

Come on. Come on. Let's keep goin'.
Come on. [Engine Sputters]

[Siren Wailing]

[Engine Sputtering] We just violated about 115 federal laws.

"We"? I'm getting out of here.
Are you coming?

No. No, no.
I know things look bad...

Nice meeting you.

Get out of the truck, Shawn.

[Groans] That's it, Tracy.
You and I are through.

Tracy! Wait!

* Ooh, sugar pie honey bunch *
Tracy!

[Engine Revs]
* You know that I love you *

Wait.
This is the first illegal thing I've done in my adult life.

How does it feel?

I'm shaking, but that could be
from the helicopter crash.

- Get out of my truck, Tracy!
- It's my truck, Shawn! I paid for it!

Who is this?
Oh, nobody.

You are nobody.
Nobody.

You stay away from her, nobody,
unless you're tired of livin'.

Shawn, while you're here, do me a favor.
Charlene left a bra in the truck.

Could you make sure
she gets it? Thanks, honey.

Oh! Help!

[Groans, Shouts]

* No, I can't help myself
Oh **

[Whimpers]

[Gasps]

[Laughs]

[Wheezing]

[Laughing]

[Gurgles, Shudders, Laughs]

So where's the driver?
He's in the powder room.

[Sighs] Hell's bells.
We're never gonna get to Santa Fe by 3:00.

This is ridiculous.
Ridiculous.

I really wish he'd hurry.
It just seems very unprofessional.

[Water Running]

- [Slams]
- Oh!

Oh. Oh, mister,
you gotta help me. My wife...

She's out back.
She's having a baby.

- She's having a what?
- A baby!

She's having a baby?
And it's halfway out!

I can see the head!
Oh!

- I need your jacket.
- Why?

- Uh, for her amniotic sac!
- Oh!

- Her amniotic fluid... It's all gushing out.
- Gushing?

The jacket! The jacket!
Give me the jacket!

- And your pants.
- My pants?

Your pants! Yeah, for her,
you know, her "placentia,"

you know,
and her labia and cervical...

[Smacks Lips] Mucus gushing...
It's gushing.

It's just a hole and...

Quick! The pants.
And the hat.

You want my hat?
Why? Why my hat?

Uh, for her, uh,

vagina.

[Gasps]

Let's go, ladies.
All aboard. We're on our way.

What happened to Marty? Marty?
Family emergency. His wife's having a baby.

A baby? Yes, I'm Owen.
I'm your new driver. Let's go.

[Women Chattering] Shh.
Quiet. Quiet, everybody.

Simmer down. Hey!

We're gonna be under way in just a minute.
This is Owen.

He's our new driver.
[Clicking]

Everyone say hello.

Hello, Owen!

Our next stop is
the third annual...

I Love Lucy convention
in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

- What do ya say?
- Ba-ba-loo!

[Clicking]

[Engine Starts, Revs]

[Gasping]

Ohh! Ohh!

Is he dead? Hey, mister,
are you dead?

[Gasps]
[Gasping]

It's a race.
It's a race. It's a race.

Run, run,
like greased lightning.

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

[Screaming]

[Screams]

[Body Thuds]
Not good. Not good.

- [Groaning]
- No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
[Exhales]

Don't move!
Stay there.

I saw the whole thing.
I'll be right down.

Oh, shit! Gloria Allred.

Hey, buddy?
Buddy, you okay? You okay?

Ta-dah! You're fine!
You look great.

You don't want to report this,
do ya? Taxi!

You don't need a taxi.
Come on!

Where you goin'?
Maybe I can drop you off.

Silver City, New Mexico.
I am in a race.

Silver City?
This is your lucky day! No.

I'm going to El Paso.
It's right on the way.

Come on. Oh, but, uh, look,
I got to be there by 7:00 tonight,

so I'm going to be driving very fast.
Great.

Yeah!

You just want one copy,
'cause you get an extra one for half price?

Just one and hurry.

This is the best idea
you ever had.

We split up. We take two keys.
We double our chances of winning.

It can't fail.

You remember where we're goin'?
Silver City, New Mexico.

Right. Train station,
locker 001.

"Ero, ero," one.

Rule number one: discretion.
Don't talk to anybody.

I won't. I "romise." I'm serious.
We're talking about $2 million...

in cash.

People would just kill us
to get their hands on that key.

I love you.

All right, little brother,
you steal a car.

I'm gonna try to steal
that Corvette right there.

I don't care what you get
as long as it's fast.

I'll meet you in Silver City.
Don't forget your key.

That "other-ucking" bastard!

I'll kill 'im! I'm gonna...
[Tires Screeching]

[Laughing]
Whoo!

There he is!

Go! Go!

Okay, we're at 2.4 miles.

There's the yellow sign with the graffiti.
Turn right. I see it.

Do you see it?
I see it.

I just love this.
This is like a treasure hunt.

[Both Screaming]

- Slow down!
- I can't!

[Both Groaning, Screaming]

Help!
[Screams]

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Screaming Continues]

[Metal Clatters]

[Exhales]

[Screams]

[Both Screaming]

[Women Chattering]

But I guess my favorite episode,
if I had to pick a favorite, would be episode 34.

Ladies, Lucys, Lucys,
stay behind the line, please.

Remember that one when Ricky
wouldn't take his hat off?

I don't remember that one.
It sounds... like a masterpiece.

How about the one where
she got caught in the freezer?

Ma'am? Lucy! You have
to put that out, please.

[Sizzling]

[Sniffing]
Uh, Lucy, your hair!

Oh, thank you. You know,
I couldn't decide whether to keep it up or try something new.

It's on fire!
[Screaming]

[Screaming]

- Stop the bus!
- We're not stoppin'!

Just put it out!
Just put it out!

- Stop!
- [Screaming]

The bathroom!

[Toilet Flushes]

- [Screaming]
- [Gasping]

[Murmuring]

Two million dollars.
Two million dollars. Two million dollars.

Two million dollars.
Two million dollars. Two million dollars.

The Donald Sinclair,
the billionaire?

It sounds crazy, I know,
but I think it's on the level.

Here's the thing.
We have to decide yes or no right now.

We're here. If everybody else had to drive the whole way,
we have a three-hour head start.

- So you're proposing?
- We form a corporation... Faucet and Schaffer, Inc.

If we win, we split everything 50-50.
Here. You can even hold the key.

What do ya think?

I don't know what to think.
I'm in shock.

Three hours ago I was sitting in the airport.
I had a job. I was reading a book.

My grandfather used to say,
"Good things take time.

Great things
happen all at once."

Jason, where'd you get that?
I found it under the seat.

Give it to me right now.
You can't play that. Why not?

Because it's Hitler's harmonica.
You can't play Hitler's harmonica.

- You're driving his car.
- Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth.

I'm not sucking on the dashboard.
I'm not gettin' his germs.

Dad, look what I found.

- Where'd you get those?
- The floor. Look, I'm Mrs. Hitler.

All right, take those
off right now.

Hey, look at this.
A lipstick. Ooh, it's dark.

That Eva Braun had style,
didn't she?

- She was Hitler's girlfriend.
- Give us a kiss.

Bev, it's not funny.
Give me that.

Honey!
I got it all over my hand.

Oh! Randy!

[Horn Honking,
Tires Screeching]

[Radio] * Chain, chain,
chain * * R-E-S-P-E-C-T *

* Chain, chain,
chain * * Find out what it means to me *

* Respect
Just a little bit *

* Just a little bit *
* Chain, chain, chain... **

* Just... **

Look at us go.
We are zooming.

I told you.
We're haulin' ass.

We're haulin' ass.
All righty.

- Guess what I got back there.
- You just told me.

Ass. We're haulin' ass.

No, no, no.
That's just an expression.

Oh.

It's a heart.

- A heart?
- A human heart.

Some lucky bastard
in El Paso's waiting for it.

Normally, they put it on a plane,
but the airport's all closed down, so...

- You wanna see it?
- See what?

Are we allowed?

Just take a peek.
One peek. What could happen?

It's a heart.
It needs fresh air.

It's been locked up in that cooler for seven hours.

Ohh!

Oh! Oh!
Oopsy-daisy.

Shit! Oh, please!
I get it. I get it.

Don't step on it!
I think I found it.

No, that's
a caramel apple.

This is wrong.
This is so wrong. Shh.

God is gonna smote us.
We're gonna get smote. Shh!

Come on. We're siphoning gas.
It's not a smoting offense.

What?

Shouldn't be turning me on,
should it?

- Hey!
- Hi.

- What are you doing?
- Seventeen cups of coffee.

[Trickling]

[Trickling Stops]
Ah! I guess, uh...

I guess that's it.
Oh.

[Trickling]
Oh! I guess not.

Oh. How do you
turn this thing off?

Son of a bitch!

[Siren Wailing]

Man! Damn it!
Keep going. Go! Go!

[Engine Sputtering]

He's stopping.
[Laughing]

'Cause he knows,
don't mess with us.

[Man] We gotta wait.
There's too much wind.

Guys, I need this balloon.
Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, man, what...

- Hey, hey!
- I know what I'm doing.

[Laughing]
Whoo! Whoa!

I'm coming to get you!
Get back here!

I'll get him. I'm gonna get you,
stupid hardware guy! Ohh!

[Both Grunt]

[Yelling]

Go! Go! Stand up.
Grab the rope.

I'm gonna get you!
Stand up. Ready? Grab it.

Missed it.

Duane! Duane, stop the car!
Hang on, buddy.

Duane, please stop.

Oh! Duane!

I got it! I got it!
Just hang on.

[Yells]
Duane!

Whoa!

Stop it! Blaine! My God!
You're gonna kill me!

The cows!

- [Mooing]
- Whoa!

Move!

- Watch out!
- [Moos]

Shit.

[Screaming]

Duane!

Whoa!

Oh, God!

[Crying]

Help! Hey!

Give me my key.
What are you talking about?

Give me back my key.
What key?

Give me the key.

[Yelling]

[Cow Grunting]
Uhh!

[Yelling]

[Screaming]

[Yelling]
[Mooing]

Blaine! Blaine!
It's me.

Duane!

[Indistinct]

I got the key.

[Yells]

How's it going,
Captain?

So far, so good.

How about a pit stop? Sorry.
This is a one-way flight.

There's a bathroom
in the back.

The latch is broken.
Anybody could just come in.

So what?
You ain't got nothing the other Lucys haven't seen already.

- [Deep Voice] Not necessarily.
- [Screams]

Please, would you
stop screaming?

Damn!

[Moos]

- [All Screaming]
- Help me!

For God's sake,
help me!

[Owen]
Oh, shit.

[All]
Waaaaaah!

[Clinking]

Owen!
Owen, what are you doing?

It's a flat tire.
Please, stay on the bus.

[Woman] Well, you're turning it the wrong way.
I know what I'm doing.

Please, get on the bus. Wait!
Maybe we should check the oil.

I think you're supposed to change the air in the tires every 12,000 miles.

I can fix it.
Give me that!

- [All Chattering]
- Wait! No! That's the spare!

[All Shouting]

Oh, no! Oh, no!

[Woman]
We'll still catch it.

- [Grinding]
- [All] Oh! Oh!

- Ooh, ooh.
- [All Chattering]

[All]
Waaaaaah!

No, no. Turn it around.
Just turn it around.

Please be careful.
Wait, wait, wait. What is that?

- It's a nickel.
- Would you please put it in the bag?

[Yells]

Why don't you check over there?
Maybe it bounced.

- I'm a dead man.
- Don't worry, my friend. We will find the heart.

I have lost my heart
many times before.

[Snorts]

[Snorts]

I make a joke...

to help you forget
how screwed you are.

I don't think it got this far.
Let's check down by the road.

[Barks] [Pollini] Oh, hello.
A doggy.

Hello. Hello.
Hello there.

Isn't he a good doggy?

Come on. Come on.
Fetch. Fetch it.

Look at him go. Oh!

- Here, boy!
- Doggy!

Good boy!

[Honking]

It really is a beautiful car.
Yeah.

I mean, look at this mahogany.
Gorgeous.

You just don't see that anymore,
you know? No.

I wonder what this is. Honey, careful.
That's a cigarette lighter.

No, I don't think they had those then.
Yes, they did.

Ow! Oh! Oh, honey!
Did you burn yourself?

Yeah. Oh, God!
Oh, I told you.

Oh, no, no, no. Sorry.
[Laughing]

My husband...
He burned his finger, ma'am.

- Yeah, he was pulling and then he was waving...
- Bev, Bev, not helping.

Hi.
Hi.

I really like
your dike. Bike.

It's nice.

[Whistles]

Cut 'em off!
Get in front! Ah!

Hey! What are you, nuts?
Get down!

[Randy] Kids, stay down!
This thing won't go any faster!

Stop it! The headlights!
The headlight!

Oh, my God! Are you insane?
This is Hitler's car!

[Mumbling, Indistinct]

[Yelling]

Honey, go ask them for help.
Tell them everything that happened.

And ask them
to call the police.

And a tow truck.
[Mumbling, Indistinct]

[Mumbling Indistinct
German Dialect]

[Booing]

[Mumbling Continues]

[Doorbell Rings]

Hello.
Hello.

Are you Harold?
Yes.

I'm Vicky.

Are you gonna
invite me in, Harry?

Or would you rather party out here in the hallway?

Please. Come in.

Not too shabby.

Where are you from, Harry?
From here.

Las Vegas.
A local boy makes good.

So, Harry,
what can I do for you?

Okay. Here's what I want.

[Clears Throat]
First we both get naked.

Mmm. So far, so good.
Only we're wearing sailor hats.

Mmm.
And then...

we get into a Jacuzzi...

f-f-f-filled
with Pepto-Bismol.

And...

I clip your toenails,

and you shave
my buttocks.

Pardon me?

Okay, um, naked, um,
Jacuzzi, Pepto-Bismol,

toenails,
shave my buttocks.

How much
would that cost?

Geez, honey,
you have quite an imagination.

How much would it cost?

Well, let's see.

A party like that...

Three thousand dollars.

Okay, 3,000.
Who had 3,000?

Carlton had 2,800.
He's the closest.

[Applauding]

[Electrical Buzz]

I-I-I think it's okay.
What do you think?

Wh-Wh-What about
those little holes?

Are they bite marks?
No, no, no. No, no.

That's... That's how it was.
I'm... I'm pretty sure.

What am I doing?

I can't go
to El Paso with this.

Look at it.
It's gonna leak like a sieve.

The guy's gonna be alive for like two minutes and then, eeeeeee!

Eeeeeeee!
[Sobbing]

A drifter.
A drifter?

We... We find a drifter,

kill him,
cut out his heart.

Nobody's gonna miss him, right?
I mean, he's a drifter.

He's an invisible man.
It's a perfect plan.

Mr. Zack, now you are
giving me the freak-out.

[Mumbling] Where...
Where do I find a drifter?

Enrico.
Hmm?

Where did you say you were from?
Me? I am from Napoli.

Oh. And-And your family,
they're back there?

No. No, my papa,
he is dead. Oh.

And my mama. All gone.

Any family? Kids?

No. No.

I am completely alone.

Why, uh...

Why do you...

Look, a drifter.
Let's kill him.

Son of a... Come back here!

[Sobbing]

[Mumbling]

[Electrical Zapping]

[Beating]

Whatever. Listen, sugar.
You're not going anywhere today.

You got a crack
in your radiator.

That's this big tank
in front of this big engine.

I know what a radiator is. Okay, okay.
Is there a place we can rent a car?

Albuquerque.
[Tracy] Okay, look.

We'll just have to patch it.
A quick fix.

- Patch it? Patch it with what?
- Sand and tire sealant.

You mix the two together, it forms an adhesive.
It should last a couple of hours.

We only have about
30 miles to go?

Darlin',
we don't have any sand.

Hello!
We're in the desert!

We should've
bought a squirrel.

Mother of mercy!
Where'd you come from? Car trouble?

Here. Sit down.
You two look exhausted.

How long y'all been out there?
Here. Have something to drink.

[Man] Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the press...

- What's going on?
- Oh, a bunch of rocket scientists from L.A.,

they're trying to break
the land speed record.

Which is a unique combination of
automotive and aerodynamic innovation.

The vehicle, which
we call Lightning II,

represents three years
of R & D...

which was conducted at the California Institute of Technology.

The design team was led by Professor Ken Freedman and Dr.
Richard Kramer.

We believe
that aerodynamically...

this is the most perfect
vehicle ever designed.

The entire vehicle weighs
less than 1,850 pounds.

The body is a one-piece
Kevlar composite.

The wheels are
solid billet aluminum,

and she's powered by twin
JE-79 turbo jet engines,

the same engines that are
in the F-4 Phantom jet.

Are there any questions?

Mr.
Calvert, what is the current land speed record?

That would be
742 miles per hour,

but we hope to have
a new record today.

- Anyone else?
- How do you start it?

Ah, good question.

There's a green lever to the left of the steering wheel in the cockpit...

which engages the primary thruster,
igniting the JE...

[Whining]

[Whining, Screaming]

740, 745... They're gonna break the sound barrier.
That's a record.

Well, that's it.
I still don't think she's gonna hold.

- What do we owe you?
- Five hundred bucks.

What? For what?
For two quarts of sealant?

No way.
That's 20 bucks tops.

Okay, here's 40 dollars.
That's double what it's worth, okay?

Come on, Nick.
Let's go.

- Hold it.
- Whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.
Another little tool no mechanic should be without.

[Laughing Hysterically] All right.
Fine, fine.

Here's your $500.
But you know what, Billy Ray?

What goes around,
comes around.

This is so unchristian.

Unchristian?

Well, if the good Lord don't like the way I conduct business,

let Him say something.

Let Him give me a sign.

Oh, Lord, I'm here
and I'm listening!

Hello!

- [Loud Rumbling]
- Whoa! - [Gunshot]

Mach one!
We did it! We did it!

Oh! Ohh!

[Bev] Hey, everybody okay?
You all right? Yeah?

Randy, you okay?
There's no Ink, Inc.

What?
There's no job. No.

It's a race. We're racing.

Donald Sinclair put
$2 million in a locker.

And I wanna get there first.

I do not want
to work at Home Depot!

[Yelling]

Ah!

[Woman] Okay, people,
back on the bus.

George, don't eat that.

Get back on the bus!
Come on. Back on the bus.

Simon, put that down.

You too. Back on the bus.
Come on, everyone!

We don't wanna miss dinner.
It's macaroni night!

Come on.

[Vera] We came in the rocket car.

Oh, a rocket car.
Let's hear all about that on the bus.

[Randy] All right,
so we can still win,

but we have
to leave now, all right?

So, come on.
Dad.

It's been a living hell.

Bev, it's...
It's $2 million.

That's a lifetime supply
of hummus.

Okay. Okay. Yeah.

I've been selfish.
I understand.

[Clears Throat] I'm sorry.
Really. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I almost got us killed.

God!

[Mouths Words]

- Hi, everybody. Miss me?
- Hey!

Listen. Just to show there's no hard feelings,
chocolate shakes all around.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm a little disappointed,
but I'm an adult.

So drink these up, and then
we'll return the Nazi-mobile.

We'll get that van fixed,
and we'll go back to Vegas and see David Copperfield!

Yea! Okay,
drink up, buddy!

Is it good?
Mm-hmm.

Drink it up, honey.

[Sobbing] [Lucy] Owen,
don't feel bad.

It's not your fault.
We'll tell the company.

We won't let them fire you.
[All] No.

I'm no bus driver.
Don't say that.

No. I'm not.
I'm not a bus driver.

Oh, you mustn't be
so hard on yourself.

Hey, everybody,
who's the world's greatest bus driver?

[Chanting] Owen! Owen!
Owen! Owen! Owen! Owen!

Owen! Owen! Owen! No, no.
No, no, no. Listen. Listen. No, no!

No! No! Shut up,
you crazy Lucy bitches! Shut up!

Owen! Owen. Owe...

I am not a bus driver!

I do not work for the bus company!
All right?

I needed a ride to New Mexico,
so I stole this uniform!

- See this jacket? This is not my jacket!
- Oh, no!

Remember Marty,
the bus driver? Huh?

This is his shirt!
I stole it!

And these pants,
you think I'd wear these pants?

- These aren't my pants!
- [All] Ohh!

These are Marty's pants.
I stole them.

I am not... a bus driver.

You're not
a real bus driver?

You lied to us!

- He ruined our whole vacation!
- [All Shouting]

[Yelling]

Here they come.
They're all within 50 miles.

It's the final lap.
Mr. Grisham.

Now, the airport's back on-line,
so I want you to take the Lear jet,

scoot on down to Silver City and give
us a play-by-play from the finish line.

Yes, sir.
[Woman Grunts]

Yes!

[Snoring]
[Randy Chuckling]

Let's go back to Vegas.
Oh! Oh!

Bev, Bev, wake...
Come on. Wake up. Wake up.

Bev, wake up. Wake up.
Third Reich's here. Come on.

Get down. You wanna
have a nice life.

Okay, okay. Think. Think.
S.S. in the parking lot.

Not good.
Not good. Think.

[Groans]
Hi, honey.

- They gonna be all right?
- Yeah.

Friend, uh, I don't think there's room.
[Randy] No.

This one's little.
[Grunts]

- There it is. There it is!
- Silver City. We're almost there.

Yeah! Go!

* I believe in miracles *

* Where you from *

* You sexy thing *
* Sexy thing, you *

* I believe in miracles *

* Since you came along *

* You sexy thing *

* Where did you
come from, baby *

* How did you know
I needed you *

* How did you know
I needed you so badly *

* How did you know
I'd give my heart gladly *

* Ahhhh *

* It's ecstasy *
* You sexy thing *

* Sexy, baby *
* You sexy thing **

Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!

[Both Yelling]

Where the fuck are we?

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Engine Revving]

[Screaming]

[Both Screaming]

There were two guys
in there.

Where'd they go?
Hey!

Thanks for the truck,
buddy!

Ohhh.

Ohh.

Yeah.
[Man] Silver City.

Next stop, Silver City.

Silver City?
It is the finish line.

I made it. I made it!

The key.
Where is the key?

What have we...
Where is the key, my little baby?

- Excuse me.
- I think I am touching it.

Get away from him. I can feel it.
I can feel it. It's very small.

[Woman] I'm calling the conductor!
I have it! I got it!

[Man] Wait! Wait!
Come back! Don't leave me!

[Cow Moos]

Come on!
Come on, baby!

Giddyap!

[Sputtering]

[Engine Sputtering] Come on, baby.
Just one more mile.

Just one mile.
Come on!

Randy?

Hey, honey,
how'd you sleep?

Ah!

- Pass. Pass him.
- I can't. We're too big.

There's Silver City.
We're here. Move!

They stopped.
No.

- [Beeps]
- They're moving. Look.

Come on, Dad!
Let's go! [Shouting]

I can smell it.

* Daisy, daisy *

* Give me
your answer true *

* Daisy, daisy **

Hey! Hey!
Stop the bus! Stop the bus!

- We gotta get off!
- Whoa. Ladies, ladies, ladies. You know the rules.

We're not crazy, lady.

We should've bought a squirrel.
We didn't buy a squirrel.

- Which is why we stole the rocket car.
- We can still win.

If you don't tell that driver to open the door,
I'm gonna crush you like a cockroach.

Open the door!
Tell him! Tell him!

Open the door.
Thank you!

I-I-I-I-I-I...
[Yelling]

It's Pollini.

Enrico Pollini
on a train.

- He just rolled into the station.
- Well, what do you know?

Rip Van Winkle
pulled it off.

You gotta love a long shot.

It's here. It's here.

It's here.
[Grisham] Here he comes.

It's you.
He's holding the key.

Ah.

And he's going
to the locker.

Mr. Pollini, well done, sir.
And congratulations.

On behalf of Mr. Donald Sinclair,
the Venetian Hotel and Casino...

[Snoring]

[Snoring Continues]

Mr. Grisham,
is it over?

Get out of the way!
Open it!

[All Groaning]

[Blaine]
He's sleeping.

[All Shouting]

Did I win?

Vicky. You let go
of this bag,

or I swear to God,
I'll report you to the escort service.

Uh, Mr. Grisham,
what's going on?

The hooker... The hooker...
The hooker is taking the money.

What hooker? Vicky.
From the hotel.

Pepto-Bismol?
Vicky, I told you to wait in the car.

What the hell is she doing there?
I brought her.

I'm sorry, Mr. Sinclair.
She said she liked me.

I'm beginning to think she was only interested in the money!

[All Shouting]

Come with me.
I'll drive.

[Horn Honking]

So long, suckers!
Whoo!

[Mooing]
[Shouting]

The bus! The bus.
You wanna steal a bus?

Yes, I do. My God,
what have I done?

- [Mooing]
- Help! Somebody help me!

[Yelling]

- Aah!
- This thing's got a mind of its own.

[All Shouting]

- Finders keepers, pal.
- That's mine.

I see it!
I see it! Relax!

Oh, no! Oh!

[Horn Honking]
[Yelling]

[Crashing, Yelling]

It means it's a scratch.
Nobody wins.

Bullshit. I'll tell you what it means.
It means we're going into extra innings.

Carla, call the airport.
Tell them to get my other Lear ready.

Gordon, you stay here and keep your eye on the board.
Tell us where they're going.

Gentlemen, grab your drinks.
We're going to Silver City.

[All Groaning]

[Woman] Is that it?
That's it.

Thank the pilot.
Tell him to level off.

All right,
who had Mr. Kimiche?

- It was me.
- Well done!

Congratulations.
Very good.

Keep going!

Come on!

There it is.
It's coming down right there.

- [Duane] Where is it?
- There it is.

Get it!

[All Shouting]

Get it! Get it!
Grab that money!

Get it down!

** [Rock]

[Crowd Cheering]

Now, that is one hell of an entrance.
[Jason] Whoa!

It's Smash Mouth!

What's going on over here?

What's this?
Money.

Jesus,
how much is this?

Two million dollars.
Two...

Two million...
Two million dollars, everybody!

[Audience Cheering]

Two million dollars!

On the bus,
we talked about it,

and we decide
to share all the money.

They're gonna share
all the money, everybody!

Oh, man!

Yeah, let's get
these guys some jackets.

Get these jack...
Get these jackets over here.

So what's the story, man?
Are you guys some kind of organization?

What's going on? No, no.
We just met this morning.

They just met
this morning, everybody!

Oh, my God!

I almost didn't come along,
but then I met Tracy and...

Well, great things
happen all at once.

Oh, this is beautiful, baby.
This is beautiful. Oh!

Great things happen,
I don't know.

Feed the earth, baby.
Feed the earth.

We're gonna check the tote board right now and see where we're at.
Okay?

Come on, baby.
Let it roll. Come on, baby.

No! No!

- No, no, no!
- You don't understand.

[Indistinct]

Excuse me.
We work for Feed the Earth.

And these are some
of our children.

I don't know who you people are or where you came from,

but... God bless you.

Tonight,

you've given
to these kids...

and their brothers and sisters all over the world more than money.

You've given them back
their faith,

their faith
in the goodness of people.

[Cheering]

[Speaking Spanish]

She said, "You are just
like the 12 disciples."

Aw!

Aw!

Thank you.

[Indistinct]

Forget it.

Look, all these other disciples can do
whatever they want with their share.

But this money is going home with us.
[Vera] What?

Period. End of story.
[Owen] Put the money in the bag, carrot.

You don't
know me, man.

Come here.

It's you.

[Mumbling]
I'm so proud of you.

Giving away
all of your money?

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

Come on.

Duane.
No. No. No.

Mama is watching us
from heaven right now.

And what would she do?

It's for starving
children, Duane.

Do it for Mom.

Yeah! Whoo!
Whoo!

Whoo! Yeah!

Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.

Um, I'd like to introduce the real star of tonight's show.

I can honestly say that none of us would
be here tonight if it wasn't for this man.

He is the man with the plan,
Mr. Donald Sinclair!

[Audience Cheering]
What?

One of the wealthiest
men in the world!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Donald Sinclair! You are the man.

Put the camera on him.
There you go. Nice shot. There he is.

Hi. Hello.

These men, they didn't
have to be here tonight.

No, they could be off
kicking back in the Riviera...

or in Vegas blowing their money on some meaningless idiotic bet.

Ha, ha, ha.

They couldn't do that,

not when there were children going to bed hungry every night.

Isn't that right,
fellas?

Whatever.

Mr. Donald Sinclair
and his partners...

want you and the millions
of people watching at home...

to know they plan to match whatever you raise tonight...

dollar for dollar!
Aah!

Dollar for dollar!
Dollar for dollar!

[Man]
A matching fund, everybody!

Let's hit the phones
out there and crank it up...

because we're gonna feed
the whole world tonight!

* Somebody once told me *

* The world
is gonna roll me *

* I ain't the sharpest
tool in the shed *

* And she was lookin'
kind of dumb *

* With a finger
and a thumb *

- * In the shape of an "L" on her forehead *
- [Sobbing]

* Well, the years start comin'
and they don't stop comin' *

* Fed to the rules and
I hit the ground runnin' *

* Didn't make sense
not to live for fun *

* Your brain gets smart
but your head gets dumb *

* So much to do
So much to see *

* So what's wrong with
takin' the back streets *

* You'll never know
if you don't go *

* You'll never shine
if you don't glow *

* Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play *

* Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid *

* All that glitters
is gold *

* Only shooting stars
break the mold *

* It's a cool place and
they say it gets colder *

* You're bundled up now
Wait till you get older *

* But the meteor men
beg to differ *

* Judgin' by the hole
in the satellite picture *

* The ice we skate
is gettin' pretty thin *

* The water's gettin' warm
so you might as well swim *

* My world's on fire
How about yours *

* That's the way I like it
and I'll never get bored *

* Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play *

* Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid *

* All that glitters is gold *

* Only shooting stars
break the mold *

* Go for the moon *

* Go for the moon *

* Go for the moon *

* Oh, yeah, go for the moon *

* Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play *

* Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid *

* All that glitters is gold *

* Only shooting stars *

* Somebody once asked could
I spare some change for gas *

* I need to get myself
away from this place *

* I said yep, what a concept *

* I could use
a little fuel myself *

* And we all could use
a little change *

* Well, the years start comin'
and they don't stop comin' *

* Fed to the rules and
I hit the ground runnin' *

* Didn't make sense
not to live for fun *

* Your brain gets smart
but your head gets dumb *

* So much to do
So much to see *

* So what's wrong with
takin' the back streets *

* You'll never know
if you don't go *

* You'll never shine
if you don't glow *

* Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play *

* Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid *

* All that glitters is gold *

* Only shooting stars
break the mold *

* All that glitters is gold *

* Only shooting stars
break the mold **

Thank you. Good night!

* Well, I wake up in the morning
each and every day *

* And I sit down at the table
and I hear my daddy say *

* Life is nothing
It's a nothing *

* Life is nothing
but a slap in the face *

* Life is nothing
It's a nothing *

* Life is nothing
but a fat rat race *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Have you ever had a dream that
you're taking off your dress *

* The only thing you're wearing
is a button on your chest *

* And the button
it says nothing *

* Life is nothing
but a slap in the face *

* Life is nothing
It's a nothing *

* Life is nothing
but a fat rat race *

* What is life *

* What is life *

* A rat race *
* A rat race *

* What is life *

* What is life *

* A rat race *

* A rat race *
* A rat race *

* A rat-rat race *
* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah
Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* It's a jungle out there
and I know I don't belong *

* So all night long
I just sing my stupid song *

* Get a body out
in the rat, in the race *

* Get a body out
in the rat, in the race *

* Get a body out in the rat *

** [Rapping]

* To the sound of the storm comin' strictly from the B-A-H-A M-E-N *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah *

** [Rapping]

* Life ain't nothin'
but a big rat race *

** [Rapping]

* Life ain't nothin'
but a big rat race *

* Life is nothing
It's a nothing *

* Life is nothing
but a slap in the face *

* Life is nothing
It's a nothing *

* Life is nothing
but a fat rat race *

* What is life *

* What is life *

* A rat race *
* A rat race *

* What is life *

* What is life *
* A rat race *

* A rat... a rat race *
* A rat race *

* A rat-rat *
* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Get a body out
in the rat, in the race *

* Get a body out
in the rat, in the race *

* Get a body out
in the rat, in the race *

** [Rapping]

* Get a body out
in the rat, in the race *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah
Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Ooh, yeah, yeah **