Rat Bastard (1998) - full transcript
(ominous electronic music)
(men chanting in foreign language)
(objects squelching)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Alarm] Wake up.
(Jeeter screams)
(Tasmanian devil grumbles)
- Fuck this.
(uptempo rock music)
(bells jingle)
(bag rustles)
This and a pack of classic
menthol 100s, please.
- Never heard the word cholesterol before?
- Yeah, I have, but--
- And since when do you smoke menthols?
- Since I was 13.
- Man, don't you know what
they put in those things?
That shit'll kill you.
- Gee, didn't know that.
- Did you know that
when we bought Colorado
from the Indians, us pale
faces actually tried to trade
with menthol cigarettes?
The Indians, they were smart, though.
They went with the smallpox
infected blankets instead.
- Look man, I just want a pack of--
- Try these, Old Injun smokes.
They're all natural and
none of that crap in 'em.
- [Jeeter] I don't want those, I want--
- And what is this I hear
about you reading Kafka?
- Wait, how did you know?
No, not anymore, that
shit was freakin' me out.
- You know, most scholars feel
that The Metamorphoses is
actually autobiographical,
about Kafka's relationship
with his father and all,
but when I read it,
I can't get away from the
religious imagery, myself.
- Look man, I just came here
for a pack of smokes, okay?
- Well Butch, I guess there's
no talkin' to some people.
Menthol-smokin' neo-realist motherfucker.
- Yeah.
(people chattering)
(machine beeping)
(folder thuds)
(midtempo jazz music)
- Tell 'em today, two weeks' notice.
Out of here by the end of the month.
(Gwen sighs)
- You know what's right.
You know you must follow
the straight to narrow.
You know you must never
stray from your path
because if you never stray from your path,
the sky's the limit.
And you know there will
be many temptations
that will try to lead you astray,
but you know you must always fly straight.
- Mr. Dudley, can I speak
with you for a second?
- Must you always do that?
- Sorry.
- Sit down, Gwen.
There's something we need to discuss.
- Well, actually Mr. Dudley,
there's something important--
- [Mr. Dudley] Have we
ever talked about hardware?
- Well, yes--
- No, I mean really spoken about it
and all of its implications?
- Well, actually--
- For instance, do you realize
that if it weren't for us
here at Hardware Heaven
that thousands of men all
over the greater Canton area
would have nothing to do on Sundays
than spend time with their wives and kids?
What I'm saying is, we
have a responsibility here.
- Right.
- Responsibility as in
getting your facts straight.
- What do you mean?
- I was golfing with
Mr. Jacobson yesterday.
Mr. Jacobson, the vice president.
And I mentioned to him what you told me
about last quarter's figures
showing a significant drop in retail sales
and that we should be concerned.
- Right, and it's all in the report--
- He nearly laughed me
off the fifth green.
He said retail sales
were up 7% last quarter.
- Mr. Dudley, I explained this to you.
Yes, retail sales are up 7%.
However, among men ages 28 to 45,
which is our prime sales demographic,
sales are down over 12%, and yes,
that is a reason for us,
well, for the company,
to be concerned.
- You never explained that to me.
- Yes, I did.
- And what as my reaction?
- Well, you liked how
I put all the numbers
into little neat rows.
- Yes, yes, well.
You keep that up.
But keep your facts straight next time.
Now, I have a golf game tomorrow morning
with Ms. Casner, the president.
And I'm sure you're
aware, Ms. Casner is a,
she's a, um, she's a woman.
So I'll need some help
from you to deal with her.
- My help?
- First, I'll need some
facts that will impress her.
Good ones, happy ones, you know.
And I'll need for you to go
out and pick something up,
a gift, perhaps.
Something nice.
- Mr. Dudley, all the facts
you need are in the report,
and I've explained it
to you four times now.
As to a gift or whatever,
I'm sure your secretary can handle that.
- No, no, can't do that.
Ivana's getting waxed, we have
a dinner engagement tonight.
God, I hope she wears
that angora sweatshirt--
- Not that it's really that important,
but it's not part of my job.
- Excuse me.
I am the comptroller.
You are an accountant's assistant.
If I say it's your job, it's your job.
- Mr. Dudley, I'm not going
over that report with you again,
and I don't have the time to
do all your shopping for you.
- (chuckles) Okay.
Okay, I get it now.
Look, Gwen, all you need to
do is talk to housekeeping
and ask them to replenish
the tampon machine
in the ladies' room.
And then, once you take
care of, well, whatever,
then you can get right on this.
- I cannot believe you
just said that to me.
- What've you got there?
- This.
I'm.
A gift, huh?
- That's my girl.
Yes, something thoughtful,
but not forward.
Use my corporate card.
- No, I need cash.
- Cash, huh?
Will it make me look good?
- Oh, I'm sure tomorrow's
gonna be a banner day
for you, sir.
- Excellent, here.
Here's $50.
Put whatever you were doing
aside, this takes priority.
And take as long as you need--
- The rest of today?
- Well, if you really
think that's necessary.
- Oh, I have something very
special in mind for you, sir.
- Great.
Just be sure to be here tomorrow morning
so you can explain the rest
of this stuff to me again.
- All right, bright and early, Mr. Dudley.
- That little filly's a shoo-in
for employee of the month.
- [Reporter] Pathfinder
has made successful work
of surveying the red planet.
There are some people who think
that a search for the
infamous face on Mars
should get underway.
NASA officials took the time to explain
to this group of people that this face,
or head as they called it,
was a promotional ploy
for NASA's forthcoming
theme park Face World.
They were then put in a
very dark room and told
not to come out until the lights came on.
- Principles of Government,
Thursdays, 11 o'clock.
(Jeeter knocking)
- [Reporter] The owners of
a Route 6 shopping plaza
from the very start.
(Jeeter knocking)
And for landscaping.
The county and city officials
weren't available for comment.
(Jeeter knocking)
- [Mik] Come in!
- Hey.
- [Mik] You're early today.
- Wanted to give you back
that 20 bucks you loaned me.
Don't look so surprised.
I wanted to make sure you
got it before I spent it.
- Where'd you get the money?
- Mrs. Ketterman.
She gave me a few bucks advance
on the job I'm gonna do for her.
- Oh, so you are working today.
- No.
Now she's trying to decide
between light blue and aqua.
To tell you the truth, I can't
even tell the difference.
- Aqua is the color of the ocean,
light blue is the color of the sky.
I thought you were an artist.
- I am an artist, Mik.
- So in other words,
you're not working today.
- Actually, I'm starting
an important project today.
(phone ringing)
- Shit, I'm gonna be late.
Early, I have inspection today.
Do me a favor, can you
take that paperback to K?
He needed it.
- Sure.
- Okay.
- See you tonight, same time?
- Sounds good.
- All right, bye.
- Go.
- And lock the door.
- Have a good day!
- [Man] And I'll get back to you.
- [Gwen] Mik?
It's Gwen, remember I said I'd stop by
on my way to New York?
Well, it's gonna be a little
sooner than I thought,
like tomorrow.
Be there by one, okay?
Bye.
(midtempo rock music)
(Jeeter knocking)
- K.
(knocking)
Anybody?
Hey man, what the hell?
- Shh.
(tires screeching)
- Here, this is from Mik.
(gun firing)
What is this?
- Cannon.
(tires screeching)
Do you ever wonder how this show
was pitched to the networks?
I mean, before any show gets on the air,
someone's gotta go to the
network brass and sell 'em
on the idea, right?
- Mm.
- So somebody say in head honcho's office
and said, hey, I got this
great idea for a show.
It's about a private investigator.
Now, I know you've heard this before,
but in this show,
the private investigator is
this really huge fat guy.
It's fuckin' genius. (sighs)
You workin' today?
- Yeah, I'm starting a big project today.
- Oh, dude speakin' of big projects,
I hear we're pitching
this big promotion job,
I can't wait.
Finally, something different.
You up tonight?
- [Man] Hey, you're squashin' the pizza!
- Yeah, I'll be there for a little while.
- (laughs) He's jumpin' over the fence.
- What time are you supposed to go in?
- I'm supposed to be about nine.
Tick's on next.
(somber rock music)
(phone ringing)
- [Mrs. Ketterman] Hello, Mr. Jankovitch.
It's Mrs. Ketterman.
I've decided on beige
for the spare bedroom.
Mm, well, maybe eggshell.
I guess I'll let you know later, bye bye.
- Old people suck.
(loud punk rock music)
♪ Deal with the noise ♪
♪ I'll belt your actions boy ♪
♪ Get outta my face ♪
♪ For once, save your place ♪
♪ Don't forget your lies ♪
♪ Create in the skies ♪
♪ A crumbling facade ♪
♪ Watch your (mumbles) die ♪
♪ Go ask my name ♪
♪ Don't hold until I say ♪
(button clicks)
- Jesus Christ, Jerzey.
You scared the shit outta me.
How the fuck did you get in here?
- You know, if I were you,
I'd be out looking for a real job
instead of just beatin'
off on canvass again.
- Look Jerzey, it's too
hot today, all right?
You got 10 seconds to tell me--
- Where's my 200 bucks?
- Jerzey, you'll get your
money, you always do, okay?
- Yeah.
Usually a week or two late.
You know, if I wanted to,
I could kick your ass out for this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
My dad's away, and I'm in
charge of the building now,
so I'm not gonna put up
with any of your starving artist bullshit.
I can handle this place myself,
and I'm starting with
you, you little parasite.
- Yeah, I'm the parasite.
- Hey, don't talk back to me, punk!
And don't think I'm
kiddin' about the 200 bucks
or about kicking you out.
- Look Jerzey, your dad and I
have an understanding, okay?
I'll talk to him if you want me to--
- I said I was in charge here!
Oh!
(midtempo rock music)
So let's hear it.
- Let's hear what?
- Look, I don't know,
some kind of lame excuse
or some loser attempt to
beg me to let you stay here.
- Gee sorry, Jerzey, it's just
not gonna be your day, is it?
- Don't think I'm kiddin' about the money.
I want all the money!
Tomorrow!
Noon!
I can't wait to see you beg
me to let you stay here.
You're gonna say, oh, Jerzey, please!
Oh please, let me stay here!
Oh, it's so cold outside, oh please!
Please don't kick me out
in the cold, cold street!
Oh, I'm homeless and
it's snowing, oh help me!
- It's August, Jerzey.
- Hey, that's not the point!
- We got work to do, okay?
Look, don't think this hasn't
been a big bowl of pork rinds.
- You just better have my money.
Hey!
(door thuds)
(uptempo rock music)
(Jerzey sniffs)
(man groaning)
(midtempo instrumental music)
- (scoffs) What the hell is this?
- Door jamb sticker.
See, I had this idea.
I write a lot of bumper
stickers for cars, right?
So I'm thinkin' hey, why don't
they have bumper stickers
for houses and apartments, you know?
So that people could
express themselves that way
if, you know, they don't have a car.
Check it out.
- My other house is a condo.
Big knockers welcome.
- You get that?
- Do you really think
there's a lot of people
who have houses that don't have cars?
- It's a whole new market.
I've already sold some on my own.
- Well, it's kind of interesting
in a demented sort of way.
- [Roger] Have you
talked to Fred about it?
- No, not really.
You know him, he wouldn't get it.
- No, I'd give it a shot.
I mean, he's always asking for new ideas,
and business being what it is.
- I don't know, I mean,
I never really talk to him much anyway.
- Whoops, here you go.
- Oh, did I interrupt something?
- No, not at all.
- You're sure?
- [Roger] Yeah, why?
- Well, I'd hate to
think I was interrupting
such a meeting of the minds.
I'm sure what you two were discussing
was something very important.
The cure for cancer, maybe?
- Yeah, Roger here actually
seems to put a lot of faith
in genetic engineering,
whereas I, on the other hand--
- A smart ass is not
what I need right now.
We've all got work to do.
Now, where are those new bumper stickers?
- They're almost ready,
another day or two.
- Oh, wait a minute.
You said that last week.
- It's the creative process, I'm a writer.
I need to be inspired.
- K, you right bumper stickers.
And I still think that that paycheck
I manage to write for you every two weeks
would be inspiration enough.
- Wait, I got this great idea, hold on.
A bumper sticker that says hit the road.
Get it, road?
Cars?
- (chuckles) K, you're a decent guy.
I like your work, and usually I like you.
But don't make me have to
put you in a straight jacket
and drop you in the
middle of nowhere, okay?
There's a new guy who's coming into town,
and he's thinking about
opening up this new punk club.
Now this could be a great project for us,
but I'm going to need your help.
We're going to need creative
drawings and fancy artwork.
Start thinking about
that, will you please?
(midtempo rock music)
- Can I do something for you, Bill?
- Well, I did a little
inspection earlier this morning.
What the hell is this?
- A spatula?
- Notice anything peculiar about it?
- Gee, I don't think so--
- Look closer, asshole.
Not exactly the cleanest spatula
you ever saw in your life now, is it?
- Well, no--
- And guess what?
- But, I--
- You know how I built this business, kid?
I built it one pancake at a
time, and do you know why?
Because people kept coming
back for my pancakes.
Why, because they like my pancakes.
They're good pancakes,
they're clean pancakes,
and you can't make clean
pancakes with a dirty spatula.
- I'm sorry, sir, this won't happen again.
- You see?
You all laughed when I put
the names on the spatulas,
but now you know why.
- Um, Bill, I know this
may not be the best time,
but remember we talked about
my getting Thursdays off, well--
- Hey, just do what I pay you for, huh?
- Yo, Saturday's special, extra flapjacks!
- They're not flapjacks,
they're pancakes, god damn it!
- God, I need a drink.
(lively rock music)
- Miss?
Excuse me, ma'am?
- It's Ms.
- Oh, pardon me, but
could I trouble you with--
- You're not gonna hit on me, right?
- Oh, blimey, no,
actually, I just wanted--
- You come in here, you see a
woman in a subservient role,
and you just figure she's yours
for the taking, don't you?
- Really, I just wanted to ask you
if this place is always
this dead, you see--
- I know exactly who you are.
You are a spineless sack of sperm
that sees the writing on the wall.
You know the end of
male tyranny is at hand,
and you're confused.
You are scared.
You're just waking up to the reality
that that appendage you
worship is not the motive power
of the universe,
and you just don't know
what to do, do you?
- Can, um, I--
- Well, here's an idea--
- Get the check?
- Why don't you crawl back
into your little cesspool
with all your other male buddies
and stop harassing a hard-working woman
trying to earn a living!
God!
- This tip's gonna be easy to figure out.
- This yours, man?
- Oh, thanks, man.
♪ Rock and roll, rollin' her eye ♪
♪ And you put beside ♪
- [Jeeter] Sorry guys, I was workin'.
- You didn't work today.
- For a shot?
- No, I gotta get in early.
Billy reamed me out
today, and I gotta get up
and give my work area a thorough cleaning.
- Oh yeah, hey, congratulations.
Employee of the month.
- Don't even get me started about work.
I got this great idea
nobody wants to hear about.
- What, you mean those door things?
- They're called door jamb stickers.
All I need is an investor,
and I'll make a fortune.
- What about Freaky Freddy?
- My boss just bought a
truckload of rubber shit.
The party vomit did
really great last month.
- So how are you gonna find an investor?
- I don't know, I'll find
some buy with a lot of money--
- Who's stupid enough to give some to you.
- Bingo.
Besides, I come in contact
with a lot of wealthy types
down at Fred's.
You know, bankers, business
owners, guys like that.
I'm gonna start hittin' 'em up.
- Where did you get
this idea from, anyway?
- Same place I get all my ideas.
- Jesus Christ.
- It's a known fact that during sex,
all your senses are heightened.
You're more aware, you're
definitely more creative.
Not that you'd know that, though.
- Hey, I hold my own.
- I bet you do.
- What do you men want now?
- Um, I'll have Yeungling.
Can I have a black and tan, though.
Black and tan?
- Sure.
- Nah, just a draft for me.
- You know, for once Jeeter,
you might wanna try a real bear.
- I want a draft.
- All right.
- Oh, and can I get some
barbecue pork rinds?
- Will the oppression ever end?
(sighs) Oh, God.
- Why do we always have to sit back here?
No chicks ever come back here.
- He likes to sit underneath his painting.
- Fuck you.
- [K] Why not just hang the damn painting
in his apartment and sit under it there?
- Speaking of your apartment,
I got a really interesting
call at work today
from your landlord.
Oh, and thanks, by the way,
for using me as your reference.
- My landlord called you?
- Yeah, Jerzey.
- Jerzey is not my landlord.
- Well, when his dad's out of town,
he seems to think he is.
- [Jeeter] What does he want with you?
- He said he was over
to get some overdue rent
and that you were abusive.
- Oh, come on.
- He also said that you were on the verge
of getting kicked out.
- Look Mik, I'll be fine, okay?
- Okay.
So you got any work lined up today?
- Well, actually,
Ketterman changed her mind.
Now she's trying to decide
between beige and eggshell.
- Eggshell's a lot lighter than beige.
- Speaking of Mrs. Ketterman,
what did you do with that
money you claimed she gave you?
- Bought some supplies.
- What?
- Remember, I told you, I
started an important project
so I needed some supplies.
- What important project?
- Self-portrait.
- Guy's got vision.
- You spent Mrs. Ketterman's
money on supplies for you?
- Mik, what am I supposed to do?
I can't buy her paint until
she decides on a color.
Besides, I needed this stuff.
- You are unbelievable.
He's gonna get kicked out again.
- The landlord will get his money.
- How is he gonna get his money
when you spend all of your time
in front of that goddamn
easel instead of out
looking for a real job?
- You know what, let me
take care of my business
and you just keep on
flippin' your flapjacks.
- They're not flapjacks, they're pancakes.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Hey, gainfully employed, responsible.
- You know, we're gonna
be needing some artwork
for this new client down at Fred's.
I could hook you up, dude.
- You need the cash, what's the big deal?
- Look guys, will you just
play the damn game, all right?
- What the hell is wrong with you?
Here he is offering you a paying job
and you sit there like.
- K, I don't want the work, all right?
I'm busy enough as it is.
- What, spankin' off on canvas all day?
- Jeeter, Jeeter.
Think fruit.
- Fruit.
- Flower vases.
- Yeah, seascapes and nice winter scenes,
things like that.
You know, I'm sure if you wanted to,
you could probably crank out
one or two of those a day.
- Please tell me you guys aren't serious.
- Every hotel buys that crap.
- No!
- Take me.
The bumper stickers and
stuff pays the bills
and keeps me in CKB.
Chicks dig that stuff, but
that's not what I'm about.
You know that head on Mars?
You know that one in the tabloid?
- Yeah, mm-hm.
- Well, imagine it's not a head.
(midtempo rock music)
(glasses thudding)
- I expect repugnant
behavior from these two men,
but I thought you'd be a little sensitive
to the plight of my gender.
I thought you were an artist.
- I am an artist.
- Anthills.
Giant anthills, filled with
these huge, flesh-eating ants
that will attack the Earth
to satisfy their blood lust.
(laughs) It's scary, huh?
- Can I read it?
- Well, it's just an idea right now.
I'm writing it, it's in my head.
- I'd rather paint the giant ants
than the damn fruit.
- [Mik] Well, you better
do something soon.
Don't come looking for my help again.
- Can I have a drink of fuckin' beer
without you giving me this shit?
- Whoa, whoa, did you
guys just see the blonde
that just walked in here?
- No, where?
- Oh man, what a biscuit.
See you guys tomorrow.
- [Jeeter] Oh, by the way,
you got a call this morning.
- Oh yeah, from whom?
- Your cousin Gwen.
- [Mik] Yeah, so what'd she want?
- I don't know, something
about coming in tomorrow.
- Now she's not, she's not
coming for three weeks.
- Well, she said tomorrow.
One o'clock.
- Oh, shit.
Look, can you do me a favor?
- What is that?
- [Mik] Can you be at my house
tomorrow when she shows up?
I have to work tomorrow.
Some of us have jobs.
- [Jeeter] Say please.
- Would you please be at my
apartment tomorrow at one?
- Pretty please?
- Would you, fuck this.
Are you gonna be at my apartment or not?
- All right, all right,
all right, I'll go.
- All right.
- I guess my not working's
coming in pretty handy, huh?
- Look, it'll only be a few hours.
(glass slams)
- Next time your buddy runs outta here
to take advantage of some innocent woman,
tell him not to leave his glass
on the damn condom machine, okay? (sighs)
(birds chirping)
(playful instrumental music)
(spoon tapping)
- I'll never get used to this.
- Ah. (laughs)
Protein.
- Pork rind?
- [K] Christ, don't make me sick.
Where you off to so early?
- I gotta go to Mik's later
so I figured I might as well
just work there all day.
- What's he want you there for?
- His cousin's coming to visit.
Wants someone to be
there when she gets in.
- She?
- Yes, K.
Her name is Gwen.
- What time's she gonna be there?
- I don't know, sometime
around one, I think.
- One, huh?
Hey, you wanna hear about last night?
- You know what, that's okay, K.
I gotta go.
- Stealin' candy, hey, what
does Mik want you to do with--
- Gwen.
- Whatever.
- I don't know, I guess
we'll find out, won't we.
- Gwen, that sounds good.
Do you know what she looks like?
- Do you ever stop, K?
- Hey, I'm a grown boy.
You haven't had a girlfriend
since that scarred chick
about six months ago.
- Hey, hey, hey, I want
you to lay off Diane, okay?
She was having her wisdom teeth taken out.
- Yeah, (chuckles) through her face.
- (Sighs) She won the lawsuit, didn't she?
- Yeah, and dropped you
like a cold happy meal.
Nice FUTAs, though.
- FUTAs?
- Female upper torso appendages.
Seriously, have you even
touched a woman since then?
- You know what, as a
matter of fact, I have.
Last week, I saw Renee, she gave me a hug.
- What kinda hug?
- Whaddya mean what kinda hug?
- On the hug scale, what type?
- It was a hug, K.
- What, you mean I never
explained this to you?
(sighs) There's basically
five types of hugs.
Type one, basically the grandma hug.
Pretty much arms only.
Type two, the closer upper body hug,
which generally involves
some boob friction.
Type three, the classic boob-squisher.
It's important that you don't confuse
type three with type
four, since in type three
there is some boob squishing,
but there is no crotch friction.
- Crotch friction?
- Type four adds the crotch friction.
Type five is sorta different.
Uh, it's pretty much just
only done in the summer months
or by swimming pools
since it involves flesh
actually pressing against flesh.
- So what about type six?
- Oh, there's no type six.
- No type six, why not?
- 'Cause after type five,
you're not huggin' anymore.
- I gotta go, K.
- It was a two, wasn't it?
- Goodbye, K.
- Never settle for a two,
always go at least a three.
God, you'd think by now
he would've learned something from me.
(man chuckling)
(lively rock music)
Oh, it's you.
Yeah, I suppose we can do this now.
You got the money?
All right, let's have it.
No man, that's not the
way it works, money first.
(man whistling)
(uptempo rock music)
(Gwen knocking)
♪ You knock me dead, sure but sweet ♪
♪ Skewer with a knife ♪
♪ You ruin this world we live in ♪
♪ With your rightly mindless song ♪
- [Gwen] Mik?
♪ You are very wrong ♪
(Gwen knocking)
♪ Not a man among you ♪
♪ Just maggots and flies ♪
♪ Die you nasty fags ♪
♪ Die you nasty fags ♪
♪ Die you nasty fags ♪
♪ May god have mercy on your souls ♪
♪ Die you fucking assholes ♪
♪ Fecal animation ♪
- Hi.
Mik Harris's apartment.
- Yeah.
- Where's he?
- Oh, he went to work.
- [Gwen] Oh.
- Hey, make yourself at home, you know.
Do whatever you want.
- [Gwen] And you are?
- I'm Jeeter.
- The artist.
What is it?
- It's a self-portrait.
- Oh, it looks like you. (giggles)
So what, did Mik have
to take you in again?
- No, I'm here because of you.
- Oh, you're the welcome wagon.
- Well, Mik couldn't be here, and--
- [Gwen] Since you aren't working?
- Yeah, you're Mik's cousin.
- Second cousin, and what
is that supposed to mean?
- Nothin'.
- Oh, it feels so good
to be outta that car.
Seven hours on the road.
I mean, I like driving and all, oh!
This guy in a Cadillac,
please explain to me
why it is that they
spend millions of dollars
to create the most advanced
engines in Cadillacs
when the only people that are driving them
are 80 year old men
who don't go past 40 miles an hour anyway?
And the rain, it's like the
second one drop of rain falls--
- I'm sorry, is there anyway that.
I'm really trying to work on.
- The painting.
(sighs) So, after about two
hours of this rain torture.
I took--
(blaring rock music)
♪ You think you're right ♪
♪ Even though you're wrong ♪
♪ You think you're as strong as one ♪
♪ As you are in a mob ♪
- I can definitely see
you in your painting now,
so pleasant.
- Thanks.
- So you're not even
gonna ask me why I'm here?
- What, is there a little family reunion?
- Yeah, well, I haven't
seen Mik in a while
and I guess I sorta missed him.
- Really?
- I thought you were
supposed to be his friend.
- Yeah, with friends like Mik,
who needs Beatles anthologies?
- (laughs) Well, he
told me a lot about you.
He said you were talented.
- Get out.
- Yeah, well he also said
you were a bit misguided
and need to grow up and start--
- Being more responsible.
- Right.
- That's Mik all right.
- Let's just say, I've been
through it once or twice.
Why yellow?
- Hm?
- This stroke right here,
how did you know that was
supposed to be yellow?
- Well, because yellow's right.
- But how did you know that?
- It's my painting.
- Well, I mean like why
not green or something--
- No, no, no, no, no.
Green is wrong, yellow's right.
- You're just that kind of a guy.
- What kind of a guy?
- Obnoxiously overconfident.
- No, I wouldn't say that.
- What would you say?
- I don't know, it's just
something I feel, you know?
I don't even know what the word for it is,
I guess I call it--
- Passion?
- Hey Jeeter, I.
Oh, I'm sorry, you must
be Gwen, Mik's cousin.
- Second cousin.
- I'm K,
it's great to finally meet you.
I've been looking forward to it.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
Mik told me a lot about
you, and you louse!
- What's the problem?
- Is this any way to treat
an attractive young girl?
- What?
- I'm sorry, I have to
apologize for my friend here.
He's obviously involved in something.
Your idea of entertaining this lass
is to make her sit here
and watch your paint dry?
You must be hungry after that trip.
- Well, to be honest, yeah, I am.
- Perfecto, you're hungry,
I've got the afternoon off.
Let me get you outta here
and into a decent restaurant.
Trust me, the last thing you want
is for Mik to cook for you.
- Sure, okay.
- Jeeter, you can take off now.
- Bye, Jeeter.
- Tell Mik we'll be back later.
(dramatic rock music)
- So, like I was telling
you on the phone, Harv,
may I call you Harv?
- I'd rather you didn't.
- Okay, so we have an excellent staff here
and we specialize in this sort of thing.
- Where's your bar?
- Excuse me?
- [Harv] Surely you have a
bloody bar around here, right?
- In here, well, no.
- Bloody hell.
Then you mean to say you have
no refreshments around here?
- Oh, refreshments?
- Yeah.
- Sure, I usually keep
something around here
for these occasions.
Ah, here we go.
- What is this?
- America's favorite chocolate drink.
- Oh, blimey.
It'll do.
(midtempo rock music)
Meh.
- Okay, now, with your grand opening,
you're going to need publicity materials.
Posters, flyers, bumper
stickers, that sort of thing.
- Oh yeah, that's right.
You're the promotions bloke.
- Yes, now.
Here's an example of some of
the work we've done recently.
Look at the artwork and the drawings.
Everything is done in-house.
That way, you save
money, and you save time.
This is one of my personal favorites.
We did all of the work for
the opening of a new car wash.
Pretty good, huh?
- No, not really.
- Whaddya mean?
- I mean it sucks.
I can't use shit like that.
- Okay, it's not quite your taste.
- No, I didn't say that.
I said it sucks.
Look mate, I'm opening a punk club here,
I'm not opening a bloody car wash
or a bleedin' balloon factory.
I need something that's
in-your-face, you follow?
- In your face.
- [Harvey] Yeah, you know,
something to reinforce
the whole punk image.
You know, mate, anarchy,
fuck the world, right?
It's all image.
- Oh, well, you know your business,
but this is a small town.
Something like that might,
well, frighten people away.
- Precisely.
Look mate, everywhere you
go, you're gonna find kids
tryin' to piss of their moms and dads
by spending their money on shit they hate.
Besides, if I gave a bloody
fuck about what anybody thought,
I'd be sittin' where you are.
Now look, the whole punk
thing is about anger,
and that's what I want
from you, you follow?
- Anger, hm.
Well, I'll get my artist right on it.
Now that you've provided the direction--
- Are you deaf?
How could the same bloke
that draws smiley faces
on freshly-washed cars deliver anger?
- Well, he's really good.
- No, no, mate, it's gotta be real.
- It's gotta be somebody who's, who's--
- Who's what?
- Well, not some bloody
purple-suit-wearin' office guppy,
that's for damn sure.
(punk rock music)
- Well, wait,
are we done?
I still have some great
stuff that I'd like to--
- Look when you come up with
something I can use, call me.
I got another appointment.
Cheerio.
- Ah yes, bye Harv.
- Harvey.
Listen, don't waste my time
unless you can find someone
who can give me what I want.
(uptempo rock music)
- [Bill] Yeah, Bernice?
Get that rat account of mine on the phone.
I can't make heads or tails of this shit.
I don't know, just get him down here,
that's what I pay him for.
(phone clicks)
(Mik knocks)
- Bill?
Good, you're in a good mood.
- What the hell do you want?
- Remember, I asked you
about taking Thursdays off?
Well, I figured you would
need some coverage help,
and I have a friend who
can take care of my shift--
- Who said anything about
you getting Thursdays off?
- I talked to you about
it a few weeks ago,
and you said you would think about it.
- What's this about, boy?
You flippin' pancakes for
somebody else on the side?
- No, no, nothing at all like that.
There's this class I wanna
take at the community college.
I have to register within the week, so I--
- Class, you mean like school?
- Well, yeah, it's a government class--
- (laughs) Government, ha!
- Well, yeah, and I--
- Oh no, you don't need to go to school.
Old Billy can teach you
everything you need to know
about the government.
Look at here.
You see this big ass pile of papers?
Let's say that this is all the money
that old Billy here slaves
to make each and every day.
What does the government do?
They take it, all of it!
Federal tax, state tax,
city tax, licensing fee.
And what is Bill left with?
He's left with this.
Did you ever try to feed
a family of six with this?
- No.
- Now, if I let you have Thursdays off
and hire your loser friend,
what am I left with?
This.
Look at this shit.
You can't even write on this,
much less use if for food.
- All right, maybe I'll just go finish up.
- Yeah, you go back there and
see Walter before you leave.
He may have somethin' for you later.
♪ Come on ♪
- Kids suck.
(door rattling)
(somber rock music)
(keys jingling)
- [Jerzey] So, am I
gonna hear you beg now?
- Jerzey, what have you just done?
- I just called my father
and told him that I was having trouble
with certain tenants.
He said that I'm in charge,
and I can do what I see fit.
- Did you tell him it was me?
- [Jerzey] What's the difference?
You, him, her?
- The difference is your dad
and I have an understanding.
- And in my dad's absence,
I can do as I see fit.
I'm his legal agent in charge,
and I see fit to kick your ass out.
(door rattling)
- All right, all right,
all right, look Jerzey, just
please let me in, all right?
My shit's up there.
- Oh!
- Just open the fuckin' door.
- Oh-ho, hang on.
Foul language is an act of belligerence,
and belligerence, as you know,
is grounds for expulsion
from the premises.
- Jerzey, all right, just please,
you can't do this, all right?
Where's your dad?
- Duh, I think I'm the one in charge.
I'm calling the shots, I mean,
what are you fuckin' stupid or something?
(phone rings)
Hello?
Wonderful, perfect timing.
Okay, I'll be right down.
I have to go downstairs for a second.
I have a real tenant
ready to pay real rent
in an apartment that just
became available. (sniffs)
(Jerzey laughing)
(uptempo rock music)
(door thuds)
(uptempo rock music)
♪ Freedom, freedom ♪
- Well, here's the place.
- I thought you said
this was an artist loft.
- [Jerzey] It was.
- It's a bloody attic!
- Well, did I mention all
utilities are included?
- I thought you said this
place was available today.
- It is.
- Well, some bloke's stuff is still here.
And what the bloody fuck is all that shit?
- Did you know that during the Civil War,
this house was a whorehouse
where Abraham Lincoln
actually bagged like five women,
and not only did he bag 'em,
but he like killed three of 'em.
He was like huge, man.
I can tell you're not from around here,
but you must've heard the legend.
- Blimey!
- Oh, I can get a janitor
to clean this stuff up.
It's just a matter of getting
it right to the window
and tossing it out--
- Do you know who did this?
- No, but I can find out
So, 400 a month okay?
- [Harvey] Do you have a fax machine?
- Yeah, down in my dad's, yah!
In my office.
Sure, but you don't need references.
You've got an honest face--
- Cheerio.
- Uh, there is still a small
matter of a security deposit.
- I'm not taking the
bloody apartment, okay?
Just get me to your
fax machine, all right?
- I can't hold it for long.
I've got other parties who are interested.
You know, I figure with
a fresh coat of paint,
this place could look almost painted.
(uptempo rock music)
♪ Wrestling with your closet
full of factual flaws ♪
♪ Impress me with
something I already know ♪
♪ Impress me with your
awkward sociability ♪
♪ Impress me
pseudo-intellectual philosophy ♪
- Well, I gotta rest,
it's been a long trip.
- It'll just be for a second.
- [Gwen] I've been trying
to be polite about this--
- [K] I thought we hit it off, and--
- Look, if I have to drop a
ton of bricks on your head--
- All right, all right.
How about later?
Here, meet me at this
place about seven, okay?
- Look, right now, all I'm
thinking about is going to bed.
That's how, oh shut up.
(door thuds)
- So I guess you guys
really hit it off, huh?
(door knocking)
- Look, there's no way
I'm sleeping with you, so.
Oh god, I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Maybe you got a sister or something.
- What the hell are you?
- You must be Mik's cousin.
- Second cousin.
- Told me you'd be staying
here for a few days.
Good tenant, that Mik.
Actually, I'm looking for
a loser friend of his.
Name's Jeeter, he's kinda
tall and dorky lookin'.
Probably carryin' a few milk crates.
- He's not here.
- Yeah, well I know he
wouldn't be stayin' here.
Mik and I already discussed that.
But I thought he might be here hiding out.
- Uh, what do you want with him?
- He's a former tenant of the building.
I got word he might be on
the premises illegally,
possibly to terrorize the building.
- (chuckles) To terrorize the building?
- Look, I noticed you just got in,
and if I could just get in
there for a little while,
you know, just check around,
you know, it'd be for your own protection.
- I'll tell you what, I'll
take a quick look around
and I'll get back to you.
- It's just that I'm a
trained professional.
I've got a coup baton, I know jiu jitsu--
(door thuds)
- Nope, nobody here but me.
- That's okay.
If you do see him, you let
Jerzey know as soon as possible.
He might be, uh, dangerous.
- Sure thing.
- Yeah, well I was in
operation Desert Storm--
(door thuds)
- So what was that all about?
- I have no idea.
- I think the both of us deserve a beer.
Come on, I'm buyin'.
(gentle electronic music)
- Okay.
So I get to my apartment, my
stuff's all over the hallway,
and there's a padlock on the fucking door.
I mean, Jerzey doesn't even
own the place, his dad does.
- Where's he?
- I don't know, I think he's on vacation.
- So what are you gonna do?
- (sighs) I'll figure something out.
- [Gwen] Why don't you
just stay at Mik's place?
- [Jeeter] I am not
asking Mik to stay there.
- [Gwen] I'll put in a good word for you.
- No, thank you.
- (giggles) Am I imagining this,
or are we actually having a conversation?
- I wouldn't call this a conversation.
- Oh.
(bottle clinks)
- Oh!
(Gwen laughs)
You suck.
That was my only beer.
- Hey!
- Being this obnoxious takes energy.
I thought you said you were tired.
- Of your friend, yes.
- So how was your date with K?
- It was not a date.
He's harmless, he's just
looking for something
to brag to his friends about.
- Someone here sounds
awfully full of herself.
- Well, you know what I mean.
You have lovely eyes,
can I cook you breakfast?
- K said you have lovely eyes?
- [Gwen] Yeah, I think he did.
- I haven't noticed.
(Gwen laughs)
- Your girlfriend is a lucky gal.
- Girlfriend?
Nah.
- Big surprise there.
- Hey.
Most women want two things
from a guy, time and money.
I got very little of both.
(gentle instrumental music)
It's been my experience.
- You think all women are like that?
- I don't know.
Look, I should probably
be getting back, you know?
- Your beer's leaking.
(uptempo rock music)
You know, you'd think with
all that's happened to you,
you'd carry a tent in here.
- You're funny.
- Let's see, I remember
a story that Mik told me,
something about a fire escape
in the middle of the night.
- It was not in the middle of the night.
It was in the middle of the night.
(Gwen laughs)
All right, I was living in New York,
and I just left art school,
and I ran outta money,
but I was painting a lot, you know,
I was doing some really good work--
- Yada, yada, yada, the fire escape.
- So I get tipped off that
my landlord is coming up
to my apartment with the marshal,
so I look around, and the
fire escape is my only way
to get out.
- So how did you end up here?
- I call up Mik, he wires me 20 bucks,
and says that if I come back here,
he'll give me a place to crash.
- Until the heat was off.
- Shut up.
(Gwen giggles)
You know what, Mik was
really cool about it.
I mean, you know, for a while anyway.
- Yeah, well, that's
just how he is sometimes.
Trust me, I know.
Oh, cool, where did you get this?
- I found it in a garage sale.
- [Gwen] This is great.
- So Mik gave you a hard time too, huh?
- Oh yeah.
Well, when I was about 18,
I had gotten accepted at
this school down in Texas.
- Mm-hm.
- Only I had no idea
whether I wanted to go to college or not.
You know, the old should
I go, should I not go,
what the hell am I gonna do with my life?
I mean, I liked business a lot,
I just wasn't sure, and I tried
to confide in Mik about it,
and he just went on and on about
how I'm being irresponsible
and I'm ruining my life.
He was a real pain in the ass for a while.
To be honest, part of the
reason why I went to college
was just to get him off my back.
I don't know.
I guess it was all for the best,
but still, I don't know
about him sometimes.
I mean, if he's so damned
concerned about me,
then how come he, what?
- Nothing.
- What, am I doing something wrong.
- No.
- Do you want me to stop playin' with it?
- No, you can do whatever you want.
- So when did you start it?
- Well, I actually started
painting yesterday.
I mean, but I've been sketching
it out for a few weeks.
I work better when I sketch it out first.
- Brash, yet organized.
It's interesting.
I'm amazed at how all these
colors are coming together
to create something.
- So you like it?
- I'm starting to see something in it.
- Like what?
- I don't know, anger,
sensitivity, passion.
- [Mik] Gwen?
- Mik, hi.
- Hi, great to finally see you again.
I wasn't expecting you
though for a few weeks.
- Oh, well, there's been
a slight change of plans.
- Oh, I hope you're not just
being your old impulsive self.
You had a pretty good job, Gwen,
and with your business background,
I'm sure you could've.
- Mik, watch out for the milk crates.
- What's going on here?
- Oh nothing, Jeeter and I
were just getting acquainted.
- Whaddya mean, acquainted?
What is all this stuff?
- Oh, that slimy guy locked
him out of his apartment.
- Locked out?
- Mik, Jerzey's just fuckin' with me, man.
- [Mik] I told you this
was gonna happen again.
- Mik, it's just Jerzey
bein' a dick, okay?
- So, what are you gonna
do in the meantime?
- Well, why can't he just stay--
- Just, don't worry about me, okay?
I'll figure something out.
- Damn it, I knew it,
you cannot stay here.
- Why?
- Did I say anything
about staying here?
- This is bullshit, he's 29
years, you are 29 years old.
What is wrong with you?
- All right, first of
all, Mik, it's a mistake.
- A mistake?
- Okay.
- Are you or are you
not late with your rent?
- A little bit, yeah.
- And you're gonna stand here and tell me
that it's not your fault.
- Mik, what I'm saying is, you know--
- A mistake, this is typical.
- Mik, you know my landlord
and I have an understanding.
- Mik, it's not like
you're gonna kick him out
into the street.
Oh, come on, you have the room here,
and it's only for a few days.
- A few days, yeah right.
That's what he said the first time.
In some ways, he's still living here.
- [Gwen] It's very temporary.
- Look, I don't have
time for this right now.
I gotta go.
- Where are you going, you just got here?
- A new cook's starting tonight,
and I volunteered to help train him.
I won't be gone the whole shift,
just a few hours, if that.
This just better be
straightened out by tomorrow.
- [Gwen] It'll be straightened out.
- Look, when I get back later,
you and I will go out for dinner.
- Okay.
- We'll talk then.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
(punk rock music)
(gentle electronic music)
(balls clacking)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Oh, Harvey, how you doin'?
Yes, I got your fax,
and we're right on it.
Oh yeah, it's goin' great.
Oh sure, I've got some stuff to show ya.
Yeah, tomorrow, late afternoon,
oh, that's still fine.
Yes, yes.
Okay, see ya then.
Oh, shit.
- What's wrong, I'm gone for a few hours
and the whole place falls apart?
- Oh, it's this Harvey.
I've been at this all day,
but so far, I've come up with nothing.
- Was that him on the phone?
- He wants, oh hell,
I don't even know what
this guy wants anymore.
- Well, is he comin' here?
- Hey, wait a minute.
I thought you had a family thing.
You were supposed to be
meeting with a cousin
or something like that.
- Oh yeah, yeah, that didn't
last as long as I'd hoped,
and I thought you might need me.
- I do, here.
Take a look at what he faxed us over.
He said that this was the type of thing
he was looking for.
- Where'd he get this?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
- Looks familiar.
- We've just got, what did you say?
- Nothin', um.
Do you have his number?
I thought I might give him a buzz.
- I was just on the phone with him.
- Yeah, but you know
how guys like this are,
they need to be stroked.
Come on, I'm great with
clients, you know that.
Lemme take a shot at him.
- Why not?
I've tried everything.
Take him someplace nice,
a country club, maybe.
Shove a few pints down his throat,
loosen him up a bit, you know?
- And if you go, let me know
because I would like to be there.
- Absolutely, absolutely.
- And we really have to
sell 'em on the company.
I don't think he's too
impressed with us yet.
- Don't worry, he'll be impressed.
I can use your phone, right?
- Oh, sure, and, uh.
If you go, you'll let me know?
- Absolutely.
You got it.
(midtempo rock music)
(sighs) Shit.
(phone ringing)
Hey Gwen, it's K.
I need to talk to you about that pass.
Gwen, damn it, answering machines suck.
(slinky rattles)
- I told you the apartment was slanted.
- Okay, so I owe you a beer.
So I'm leaving tomorrow.
- I know.
- Am I gonna like New York?
- As long as you stay out of the middle.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Well, in New York, there
are three types of people.
People with a lot of
money who can spend it,
and you know, that's great.
- Mm-hm.
- You have people with no money,
but they got a lot of time,
and that's great, too.
But see, the problem is that
most people are in the middle.
- What is the middle?
- Nowhere.
- Do you miss it?
- I'd go back in the right situation.
- Why don't you?
- No money, no time.
- Well, I think I will like it.
- Why are you going, anyway?
- Well, you're in a place,
and the littlest thing happens
and you realize that you're
going nowhere, so you move on.
- Good for you.
- I thought you would understand.
- Yeah, well.
I've always figured
you just gotta follow
your instincts, you know?
- Mm-hm.
- I mean, you just gotta do your thing,
and whatever happens, happens.
- Yep.
- I mean, you gotta trust yourself.
- Definitely trust yourself.
- And keep moving along.
- Keep movin' along.
- And take control.
- Take control.
(midtempo rock music)
♪ You it kills ♪
♪ I like I ♪
- Sweet merciful shit!
- Mik, hi!
What are you doing here?
- I live here.
- See ya later, Mik.
- See you later?
Is that all you can say
to me is see you later?
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Goodbye, Mik?
- Jesus Christ, Jeeter,
you are the most irresponsible
bastard I have ever met.
You have got no job, no
money, no place to stay,
and what are you doing?
Playing Hide the Slinky
with my damn cousin?
- Second cousin, and hold on--
- And you, oh, I guess
I know why you wanted me
to take him in, huh?
- Christ, Mik, you've gone insane.
- Relax, all right?
Gwen and I--
- Gwen and I?
Oh no, I don't think so, Dutch Boy.
There's not gonna be anymore Gwen and I,
and you know why?
'Cause you're takin' your ass,
and you're gettin' outta
here right now, god damn it.
I can't believe I let him in.
- Hey, I never asked
you to take me in, Mik.
- And you, Gwen, I just don't understand.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You should know better.
Can't you tell he's
never gonna be a thing?
He's just a lazy bastard.
- He's not a bastard, Mik.
- You know, you're right.
He's not a bastard.
You're a rat bastard.
A selfish, spineless, rat bastard.
You don't care about anything
or anyone, your life,
your future, or anybody else.
You're just a selfish rat
bastard, that's all you are.
And I want this, and
this, and definitely that
out of my apartment right fucking now!
- You don't know me, Mik.
You don't know anything about me.
- I know you don't do shit.
- No, I just don't do what you do.
- I'm not like you, Mik.
I don't wanna be like you,
and you could never
handle that, could you?
- You see that plaque there?
- [Jeeter] What, employee of the month?
- Damn right, you know what it means?
- [Jeeter] What?
- It means that I take things seriously.
It means that I've taken
responsibility for myself
and am conscientious enough
to work hard at a job--
- At a job you hate.
Is that your idea of being responsible?
Slaving away for an abusive boss
and wearing it like a fucking badge.
That's responsible?
Well, I don't want any part of it, then.
- Look Jeeter, real people in
the real world really work.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Now, you're telling
me that you're happy?
- We're not talking about me.
- Bullshit.
What is it that you really want, Mik?
I mean, you happy
straddling a grill all day?
Is that what you really wanna do?
And be honest with me for once.
- Look, I'm paying my own way,
which is more than I can say about you.
- Bullshit.
I really want to be a painter,
that's all I've ever wanted to do.
What do you really want?
Finish the sentence.
I wanna be.
I mean, say it, I wanna be a, a what.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Tell me--
- I wanna be you, Jeeter.
Yeah, I wanna wake up every day of my life
and sponge off my friends,
just lounge around
in somebody else's apartment
painting all day long.
Yeah, that would make me really happy.
Let me ask you something.
Where has all this happiness gotten you?
- Hey guys, what's up?
Come on in, Harv.
This'll only take a second.
Let me introduce you around.
This is Mik, Jeeter, and Gwen.
- I thought you said
we were going drinking.
- Really, it'll only take a second, okay?
Gwen, hi, I need that
pass that I gave you.
- Which one of you blokes paints?
- He does.
- He does.
- Mind if I look?
- Whatever.
- Yep.
- Thanks.
- Bloody hell, it's the drawing.
- What drawing.
- Well, the one in the attic--
- My good friend Jeeter here is obviously
a very talented artist.
We've used some of his work in the past,
and I think you'll be--
- This is my drawing.
Where'd you get this?
- Well, I found it in that attic
that that slimy bloke
showed me this afternoon,
right upstairs, actually.
- You're talking about my apartment.
- Oh, bloody hell, you
live in that shithole?
Whew, no wonder you're so angry.
- Well, Harvey, so long as you're happy,
I think we should have--
- Relax, kid, will ya?
All right?
This is incredible.
- What?
- The painting, I mean, it's perfect.
This is exactly the kinda
stuff I'm looking form
- [Mik] You've been looking for that?
- Well yeah, I'm opening
up a punk club in town
in a few weeks--
- And we're gonna use
some of Jeeter's artwork
in the promotional material.
- Jeeter doesn't work for you.
- What do you call it?
- Well, the company's
called Fred's Funhouse,
but personally, I've always--
- I'm not talkin' to you, all right?
The painting, what do you call it?
- I call it Rat Bastard.
- (chuckles) Rat Bastard, I like that.
It's perfect.
- Great, then we can meet
with Jeeter in the morning,
but in the meantime, we
really need to discuss--
- Hold on, the artist isn't
affiliated with this gentlemen.
He's an independent.
I represent him,
so if you have any interest in his work,
you can just deal with me.
- What?
- I didn't get your name.
- [Gwen] Gwen.
- Look Gwen, I like the bloke's work,
and I want the man to do
some designing for me.
I tell you what.
I'll give you $200 in advance for the job
and another $200 on completion.
- I'm sorry, but you obviously don't know
who you're dealin' with, here.
- You know Harvey, since you've got money,
I've got this great idea--
- Oh blimey bollocks,
don't you ever shut up?
- This gentlemen happens
to be a famous artist
from New York City.
His individual work alone
sells for about a thousand
to 1,500, but you're talking
about a whole design job.
- It's a right simple job.
Posters, flyers, a few
pictures here and there.
Not a bad gig for a starving artist
if you ask me, eh?
Okay, all right, we'll go as high as 750
for the whole project--
- Well, then I guess you're
wasting your time and ours.
Good luck on finding someone else though.
Perhaps this gentlemen can help you.
- $1,000, but I can't--
- Hire my artist for $1,000
that's what you can't do.
I'm sorry, Harvey, was it?
We have several other deals in the works.
In fact, we're about to meet
with some potential clients
right now, so if you'll excuse us.
- Do you have any idea
what's going on here?
- Sorry, I just live here.
- Are you fuckin' crazy?
- Wait, wait.
Now surely love,
there's some room in
here to negotiate, okay?
Okay, let's say $1,000
in advance for the job,
and an additional--
- Thousand dollars upon completion.
- Oh, blimey.
Fine, whatever--
- And--
- Bloody fucking hell.
- I retain complete creative control.
Look, if you want my art,
you gotta have it as is, no changes.
- [Harvey] Oh come on, bloke.
Surely, you realize--
- It's not negotiable.
- Blimey.
You are a rat bastard.
- Great, I'll drop a simple contract,
and I'll have it to you
by tomorrow sometime.
We'll talk specifics then.
- Fine.
Am I the only bloke
here that needs a drink?
- Yeah, I could use one.
- Tell that purple-suit-wearin'
arse hole boss of yours
to lose my number you follow?
(sniffs) Is that CKB?
- Yes it is.
- Wanker.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- Great.
- Cheerio.
- [Gwen] Cheerio.
- So I guess I'm not going
to New York tomorrow.
- Well, somebody's gotta
walk you through this thing.
And besides, you owe me a commission.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Well, you owe me a beer.
- Okay. (giggles)
- Let me see if I understand this.
He just left with my
client and my girlfriend?
- You mean your client and my cousin.
- Second cousin.
Boy, he is a rat bastard.
So, are you gonna go with him?
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.
- [K] What about work tomorrow morning,
you gotta go in early again?
- No.
Maybe I'll go in later.
I've got something else
to do in the morning.
- Hey, are you guys comin' or not?
- Ladies night at The Camel?
Damn straight, I'm there.
- Jesus.
(suspenseful music)
(Jerzey laughs)
What the hell do you want, grease boy?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I am this close to renting
out your old apartment.
I gotta British guy who's interested.
But, to show you I'm a nice guy
and because I've got no place to live,
I'd be willing to let you stay there
on a temporary basis.
- [Jeeter] Oh.
- For only (sniffs) a
hundred more a month.
- [Jeeter] A hundred a month, huh?
- Hey, it's still less
than the Limey's payin'.
And just to show you there
are no hard feelings,
I'll let you slide for a
week, baby. (teeth clicks)
- Jerzey, that is really kind of you,
but, you know what?
I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
- Why?
- [Mik] Because Jeeter's
already got a place to live.
- Oh, well.
Hey, is that hot little cousin
gonna be stayin' in town?
'Cause if she is, I can
let her have it real cheap.
You know, even cheaper
than I let Jeeter have it,
'cause you know, Jeeter had
all that art stuff there,
then it was an artist's
loft, and, you know,
that's a whole different category.
This way, it would be a finished attic.
Yes, and a finished attic is a lot cheaper
than an artist's loft,
you know what I mean?
- Hey Jerzey, when did your
dad get the new wheels?
- What, the Caddy?
He got her about week ago.
Got a really good deal on it.
Daddy?
- Yeah, he's outside talkin' to Gwen.
- Daddy's home now?
- (laughs) Man, does he look pissed.
- Oh, shit.
(Jeeter laughing)
- I'll see you guys outside,
there's no way I'm missing this.
(midtempo electronic music)
- Come on, I'll buy you a beer.
How often does that happen?
- Never.
I'll be right out.
(door thuds)
(uptempo rock music)
(heavy metal music)
♪ Get me outta this shit hole ♪
♪ You coppers take on ♪
♪ Can't pay my rent and
I look like a slob ♪
♪ Living in some apartment ♪
♪ Without any key ♪
♪ Peckin' all the time 'cause
I can't afford to eat ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Done with less I'm scraping by ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Can't get handfuls, can't get paid ♪
♪ No way to college got
the poser the twerp ♪
♪ I'm always told I have no serious ♪
♪ Earning low wages must be my thing ♪
♪ 40 more hours at a job I fuckin' hate ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Done with less I'm scraping by ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ At this job I fuckin' hate ♪
♪ I'm a searchin' must be (mumbles) ♪
♪ Ooh sure, fucking maggots ♪
(man sings in foreign language)
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Ridin' my ass 'cause
I work so bloody hard ♪
♪ On your (mumbles) crashed in the yard ♪
♪ Nothing but a slave in a
sucker's way I've found ♪
♪ In many ways I give an excuse ♪
♪ I never turn around ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Minimum I say scream that's right ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ In this every kind of hate ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Don't go last and say what's right ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Can't get him to look at me ♪
(men chanting in foreign language)
(objects squelching)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- [Alarm] Wake up.
(Jeeter screams)
(Tasmanian devil grumbles)
- Fuck this.
(uptempo rock music)
(bells jingle)
(bag rustles)
This and a pack of classic
menthol 100s, please.
- Never heard the word cholesterol before?
- Yeah, I have, but--
- And since when do you smoke menthols?
- Since I was 13.
- Man, don't you know what
they put in those things?
That shit'll kill you.
- Gee, didn't know that.
- Did you know that
when we bought Colorado
from the Indians, us pale
faces actually tried to trade
with menthol cigarettes?
The Indians, they were smart, though.
They went with the smallpox
infected blankets instead.
- Look man, I just want a pack of--
- Try these, Old Injun smokes.
They're all natural and
none of that crap in 'em.
- [Jeeter] I don't want those, I want--
- And what is this I hear
about you reading Kafka?
- Wait, how did you know?
No, not anymore, that
shit was freakin' me out.
- You know, most scholars feel
that The Metamorphoses is
actually autobiographical,
about Kafka's relationship
with his father and all,
but when I read it,
I can't get away from the
religious imagery, myself.
- Look man, I just came here
for a pack of smokes, okay?
- Well Butch, I guess there's
no talkin' to some people.
Menthol-smokin' neo-realist motherfucker.
- Yeah.
(people chattering)
(machine beeping)
(folder thuds)
(midtempo jazz music)
- Tell 'em today, two weeks' notice.
Out of here by the end of the month.
(Gwen sighs)
- You know what's right.
You know you must follow
the straight to narrow.
You know you must never
stray from your path
because if you never stray from your path,
the sky's the limit.
And you know there will
be many temptations
that will try to lead you astray,
but you know you must always fly straight.
- Mr. Dudley, can I speak
with you for a second?
- Must you always do that?
- Sorry.
- Sit down, Gwen.
There's something we need to discuss.
- Well, actually Mr. Dudley,
there's something important--
- [Mr. Dudley] Have we
ever talked about hardware?
- Well, yes--
- No, I mean really spoken about it
and all of its implications?
- Well, actually--
- For instance, do you realize
that if it weren't for us
here at Hardware Heaven
that thousands of men all
over the greater Canton area
would have nothing to do on Sundays
than spend time with their wives and kids?
What I'm saying is, we
have a responsibility here.
- Right.
- Responsibility as in
getting your facts straight.
- What do you mean?
- I was golfing with
Mr. Jacobson yesterday.
Mr. Jacobson, the vice president.
And I mentioned to him what you told me
about last quarter's figures
showing a significant drop in retail sales
and that we should be concerned.
- Right, and it's all in the report--
- He nearly laughed me
off the fifth green.
He said retail sales
were up 7% last quarter.
- Mr. Dudley, I explained this to you.
Yes, retail sales are up 7%.
However, among men ages 28 to 45,
which is our prime sales demographic,
sales are down over 12%, and yes,
that is a reason for us,
well, for the company,
to be concerned.
- You never explained that to me.
- Yes, I did.
- And what as my reaction?
- Well, you liked how
I put all the numbers
into little neat rows.
- Yes, yes, well.
You keep that up.
But keep your facts straight next time.
Now, I have a golf game tomorrow morning
with Ms. Casner, the president.
And I'm sure you're
aware, Ms. Casner is a,
she's a, um, she's a woman.
So I'll need some help
from you to deal with her.
- My help?
- First, I'll need some
facts that will impress her.
Good ones, happy ones, you know.
And I'll need for you to go
out and pick something up,
a gift, perhaps.
Something nice.
- Mr. Dudley, all the facts
you need are in the report,
and I've explained it
to you four times now.
As to a gift or whatever,
I'm sure your secretary can handle that.
- No, no, can't do that.
Ivana's getting waxed, we have
a dinner engagement tonight.
God, I hope she wears
that angora sweatshirt--
- Not that it's really that important,
but it's not part of my job.
- Excuse me.
I am the comptroller.
You are an accountant's assistant.
If I say it's your job, it's your job.
- Mr. Dudley, I'm not going
over that report with you again,
and I don't have the time to
do all your shopping for you.
- (chuckles) Okay.
Okay, I get it now.
Look, Gwen, all you need to
do is talk to housekeeping
and ask them to replenish
the tampon machine
in the ladies' room.
And then, once you take
care of, well, whatever,
then you can get right on this.
- I cannot believe you
just said that to me.
- What've you got there?
- This.
I'm.
A gift, huh?
- That's my girl.
Yes, something thoughtful,
but not forward.
Use my corporate card.
- No, I need cash.
- Cash, huh?
Will it make me look good?
- Oh, I'm sure tomorrow's
gonna be a banner day
for you, sir.
- Excellent, here.
Here's $50.
Put whatever you were doing
aside, this takes priority.
And take as long as you need--
- The rest of today?
- Well, if you really
think that's necessary.
- Oh, I have something very
special in mind for you, sir.
- Great.
Just be sure to be here tomorrow morning
so you can explain the rest
of this stuff to me again.
- All right, bright and early, Mr. Dudley.
- That little filly's a shoo-in
for employee of the month.
- [Reporter] Pathfinder
has made successful work
of surveying the red planet.
There are some people who think
that a search for the
infamous face on Mars
should get underway.
NASA officials took the time to explain
to this group of people that this face,
or head as they called it,
was a promotional ploy
for NASA's forthcoming
theme park Face World.
They were then put in a
very dark room and told
not to come out until the lights came on.
- Principles of Government,
Thursdays, 11 o'clock.
(Jeeter knocking)
- [Reporter] The owners of
a Route 6 shopping plaza
from the very start.
(Jeeter knocking)
And for landscaping.
The county and city officials
weren't available for comment.
(Jeeter knocking)
- [Mik] Come in!
- Hey.
- [Mik] You're early today.
- Wanted to give you back
that 20 bucks you loaned me.
Don't look so surprised.
I wanted to make sure you
got it before I spent it.
- Where'd you get the money?
- Mrs. Ketterman.
She gave me a few bucks advance
on the job I'm gonna do for her.
- Oh, so you are working today.
- No.
Now she's trying to decide
between light blue and aqua.
To tell you the truth, I can't
even tell the difference.
- Aqua is the color of the ocean,
light blue is the color of the sky.
I thought you were an artist.
- I am an artist, Mik.
- So in other words,
you're not working today.
- Actually, I'm starting
an important project today.
(phone ringing)
- Shit, I'm gonna be late.
Early, I have inspection today.
Do me a favor, can you
take that paperback to K?
He needed it.
- Sure.
- Okay.
- See you tonight, same time?
- Sounds good.
- All right, bye.
- Go.
- And lock the door.
- Have a good day!
- [Man] And I'll get back to you.
- [Gwen] Mik?
It's Gwen, remember I said I'd stop by
on my way to New York?
Well, it's gonna be a little
sooner than I thought,
like tomorrow.
Be there by one, okay?
Bye.
(midtempo rock music)
(Jeeter knocking)
- K.
(knocking)
Anybody?
Hey man, what the hell?
- Shh.
(tires screeching)
- Here, this is from Mik.
(gun firing)
What is this?
- Cannon.
(tires screeching)
Do you ever wonder how this show
was pitched to the networks?
I mean, before any show gets on the air,
someone's gotta go to the
network brass and sell 'em
on the idea, right?
- Mm.
- So somebody say in head honcho's office
and said, hey, I got this
great idea for a show.
It's about a private investigator.
Now, I know you've heard this before,
but in this show,
the private investigator is
this really huge fat guy.
It's fuckin' genius. (sighs)
You workin' today?
- Yeah, I'm starting a big project today.
- Oh, dude speakin' of big projects,
I hear we're pitching
this big promotion job,
I can't wait.
Finally, something different.
You up tonight?
- [Man] Hey, you're squashin' the pizza!
- Yeah, I'll be there for a little while.
- (laughs) He's jumpin' over the fence.
- What time are you supposed to go in?
- I'm supposed to be about nine.
Tick's on next.
(somber rock music)
(phone ringing)
- [Mrs. Ketterman] Hello, Mr. Jankovitch.
It's Mrs. Ketterman.
I've decided on beige
for the spare bedroom.
Mm, well, maybe eggshell.
I guess I'll let you know later, bye bye.
- Old people suck.
(loud punk rock music)
♪ Deal with the noise ♪
♪ I'll belt your actions boy ♪
♪ Get outta my face ♪
♪ For once, save your place ♪
♪ Don't forget your lies ♪
♪ Create in the skies ♪
♪ A crumbling facade ♪
♪ Watch your (mumbles) die ♪
♪ Go ask my name ♪
♪ Don't hold until I say ♪
(button clicks)
- Jesus Christ, Jerzey.
You scared the shit outta me.
How the fuck did you get in here?
- You know, if I were you,
I'd be out looking for a real job
instead of just beatin'
off on canvass again.
- Look Jerzey, it's too
hot today, all right?
You got 10 seconds to tell me--
- Where's my 200 bucks?
- Jerzey, you'll get your
money, you always do, okay?
- Yeah.
Usually a week or two late.
You know, if I wanted to,
I could kick your ass out for this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
My dad's away, and I'm in
charge of the building now,
so I'm not gonna put up
with any of your starving artist bullshit.
I can handle this place myself,
and I'm starting with
you, you little parasite.
- Yeah, I'm the parasite.
- Hey, don't talk back to me, punk!
And don't think I'm
kiddin' about the 200 bucks
or about kicking you out.
- Look Jerzey, your dad and I
have an understanding, okay?
I'll talk to him if you want me to--
- I said I was in charge here!
Oh!
(midtempo rock music)
So let's hear it.
- Let's hear what?
- Look, I don't know,
some kind of lame excuse
or some loser attempt to
beg me to let you stay here.
- Gee sorry, Jerzey, it's just
not gonna be your day, is it?
- Don't think I'm kiddin' about the money.
I want all the money!
Tomorrow!
Noon!
I can't wait to see you beg
me to let you stay here.
You're gonna say, oh, Jerzey, please!
Oh please, let me stay here!
Oh, it's so cold outside, oh please!
Please don't kick me out
in the cold, cold street!
Oh, I'm homeless and
it's snowing, oh help me!
- It's August, Jerzey.
- Hey, that's not the point!
- We got work to do, okay?
Look, don't think this hasn't
been a big bowl of pork rinds.
- You just better have my money.
Hey!
(door thuds)
(uptempo rock music)
(Jerzey sniffs)
(man groaning)
(midtempo instrumental music)
- (scoffs) What the hell is this?
- Door jamb sticker.
See, I had this idea.
I write a lot of bumper
stickers for cars, right?
So I'm thinkin' hey, why don't
they have bumper stickers
for houses and apartments, you know?
So that people could
express themselves that way
if, you know, they don't have a car.
Check it out.
- My other house is a condo.
Big knockers welcome.
- You get that?
- Do you really think
there's a lot of people
who have houses that don't have cars?
- It's a whole new market.
I've already sold some on my own.
- Well, it's kind of interesting
in a demented sort of way.
- [Roger] Have you
talked to Fred about it?
- No, not really.
You know him, he wouldn't get it.
- No, I'd give it a shot.
I mean, he's always asking for new ideas,
and business being what it is.
- I don't know, I mean,
I never really talk to him much anyway.
- Whoops, here you go.
- Oh, did I interrupt something?
- No, not at all.
- You're sure?
- [Roger] Yeah, why?
- Well, I'd hate to
think I was interrupting
such a meeting of the minds.
I'm sure what you two were discussing
was something very important.
The cure for cancer, maybe?
- Yeah, Roger here actually
seems to put a lot of faith
in genetic engineering,
whereas I, on the other hand--
- A smart ass is not
what I need right now.
We've all got work to do.
Now, where are those new bumper stickers?
- They're almost ready,
another day or two.
- Oh, wait a minute.
You said that last week.
- It's the creative process, I'm a writer.
I need to be inspired.
- K, you right bumper stickers.
And I still think that that paycheck
I manage to write for you every two weeks
would be inspiration enough.
- Wait, I got this great idea, hold on.
A bumper sticker that says hit the road.
Get it, road?
Cars?
- (chuckles) K, you're a decent guy.
I like your work, and usually I like you.
But don't make me have to
put you in a straight jacket
and drop you in the
middle of nowhere, okay?
There's a new guy who's coming into town,
and he's thinking about
opening up this new punk club.
Now this could be a great project for us,
but I'm going to need your help.
We're going to need creative
drawings and fancy artwork.
Start thinking about
that, will you please?
(midtempo rock music)
- Can I do something for you, Bill?
- Well, I did a little
inspection earlier this morning.
What the hell is this?
- A spatula?
- Notice anything peculiar about it?
- Gee, I don't think so--
- Look closer, asshole.
Not exactly the cleanest spatula
you ever saw in your life now, is it?
- Well, no--
- And guess what?
- But, I--
- You know how I built this business, kid?
I built it one pancake at a
time, and do you know why?
Because people kept coming
back for my pancakes.
Why, because they like my pancakes.
They're good pancakes,
they're clean pancakes,
and you can't make clean
pancakes with a dirty spatula.
- I'm sorry, sir, this won't happen again.
- You see?
You all laughed when I put
the names on the spatulas,
but now you know why.
- Um, Bill, I know this
may not be the best time,
but remember we talked about
my getting Thursdays off, well--
- Hey, just do what I pay you for, huh?
- Yo, Saturday's special, extra flapjacks!
- They're not flapjacks,
they're pancakes, god damn it!
- God, I need a drink.
(lively rock music)
- Miss?
Excuse me, ma'am?
- It's Ms.
- Oh, pardon me, but
could I trouble you with--
- You're not gonna hit on me, right?
- Oh, blimey, no,
actually, I just wanted--
- You come in here, you see a
woman in a subservient role,
and you just figure she's yours
for the taking, don't you?
- Really, I just wanted to ask you
if this place is always
this dead, you see--
- I know exactly who you are.
You are a spineless sack of sperm
that sees the writing on the wall.
You know the end of
male tyranny is at hand,
and you're confused.
You are scared.
You're just waking up to the reality
that that appendage you
worship is not the motive power
of the universe,
and you just don't know
what to do, do you?
- Can, um, I--
- Well, here's an idea--
- Get the check?
- Why don't you crawl back
into your little cesspool
with all your other male buddies
and stop harassing a hard-working woman
trying to earn a living!
God!
- This tip's gonna be easy to figure out.
- This yours, man?
- Oh, thanks, man.
♪ Rock and roll, rollin' her eye ♪
♪ And you put beside ♪
- [Jeeter] Sorry guys, I was workin'.
- You didn't work today.
- For a shot?
- No, I gotta get in early.
Billy reamed me out
today, and I gotta get up
and give my work area a thorough cleaning.
- Oh yeah, hey, congratulations.
Employee of the month.
- Don't even get me started about work.
I got this great idea
nobody wants to hear about.
- What, you mean those door things?
- They're called door jamb stickers.
All I need is an investor,
and I'll make a fortune.
- What about Freaky Freddy?
- My boss just bought a
truckload of rubber shit.
The party vomit did
really great last month.
- So how are you gonna find an investor?
- I don't know, I'll find
some buy with a lot of money--
- Who's stupid enough to give some to you.
- Bingo.
Besides, I come in contact
with a lot of wealthy types
down at Fred's.
You know, bankers, business
owners, guys like that.
I'm gonna start hittin' 'em up.
- Where did you get
this idea from, anyway?
- Same place I get all my ideas.
- Jesus Christ.
- It's a known fact that during sex,
all your senses are heightened.
You're more aware, you're
definitely more creative.
Not that you'd know that, though.
- Hey, I hold my own.
- I bet you do.
- What do you men want now?
- Um, I'll have Yeungling.
Can I have a black and tan, though.
Black and tan?
- Sure.
- Nah, just a draft for me.
- You know, for once Jeeter,
you might wanna try a real bear.
- I want a draft.
- All right.
- Oh, and can I get some
barbecue pork rinds?
- Will the oppression ever end?
(sighs) Oh, God.
- Why do we always have to sit back here?
No chicks ever come back here.
- He likes to sit underneath his painting.
- Fuck you.
- [K] Why not just hang the damn painting
in his apartment and sit under it there?
- Speaking of your apartment,
I got a really interesting
call at work today
from your landlord.
Oh, and thanks, by the way,
for using me as your reference.
- My landlord called you?
- Yeah, Jerzey.
- Jerzey is not my landlord.
- Well, when his dad's out of town,
he seems to think he is.
- [Jeeter] What does he want with you?
- He said he was over
to get some overdue rent
and that you were abusive.
- Oh, come on.
- He also said that you were on the verge
of getting kicked out.
- Look Mik, I'll be fine, okay?
- Okay.
So you got any work lined up today?
- Well, actually,
Ketterman changed her mind.
Now she's trying to decide
between beige and eggshell.
- Eggshell's a lot lighter than beige.
- Speaking of Mrs. Ketterman,
what did you do with that
money you claimed she gave you?
- Bought some supplies.
- What?
- Remember, I told you, I
started an important project
so I needed some supplies.
- What important project?
- Self-portrait.
- Guy's got vision.
- You spent Mrs. Ketterman's
money on supplies for you?
- Mik, what am I supposed to do?
I can't buy her paint until
she decides on a color.
Besides, I needed this stuff.
- You are unbelievable.
He's gonna get kicked out again.
- The landlord will get his money.
- How is he gonna get his money
when you spend all of your time
in front of that goddamn
easel instead of out
looking for a real job?
- You know what, let me
take care of my business
and you just keep on
flippin' your flapjacks.
- They're not flapjacks, they're pancakes.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Hey, gainfully employed, responsible.
- You know, we're gonna
be needing some artwork
for this new client down at Fred's.
I could hook you up, dude.
- You need the cash, what's the big deal?
- Look guys, will you just
play the damn game, all right?
- What the hell is wrong with you?
Here he is offering you a paying job
and you sit there like.
- K, I don't want the work, all right?
I'm busy enough as it is.
- What, spankin' off on canvas all day?
- Jeeter, Jeeter.
Think fruit.
- Fruit.
- Flower vases.
- Yeah, seascapes and nice winter scenes,
things like that.
You know, I'm sure if you wanted to,
you could probably crank out
one or two of those a day.
- Please tell me you guys aren't serious.
- Every hotel buys that crap.
- No!
- Take me.
The bumper stickers and
stuff pays the bills
and keeps me in CKB.
Chicks dig that stuff, but
that's not what I'm about.
You know that head on Mars?
You know that one in the tabloid?
- Yeah, mm-hm.
- Well, imagine it's not a head.
(midtempo rock music)
(glasses thudding)
- I expect repugnant
behavior from these two men,
but I thought you'd be a little sensitive
to the plight of my gender.
I thought you were an artist.
- I am an artist.
- Anthills.
Giant anthills, filled with
these huge, flesh-eating ants
that will attack the Earth
to satisfy their blood lust.
(laughs) It's scary, huh?
- Can I read it?
- Well, it's just an idea right now.
I'm writing it, it's in my head.
- I'd rather paint the giant ants
than the damn fruit.
- [Mik] Well, you better
do something soon.
Don't come looking for my help again.
- Can I have a drink of fuckin' beer
without you giving me this shit?
- Whoa, whoa, did you
guys just see the blonde
that just walked in here?
- No, where?
- Oh man, what a biscuit.
See you guys tomorrow.
- [Jeeter] Oh, by the way,
you got a call this morning.
- Oh yeah, from whom?
- Your cousin Gwen.
- [Mik] Yeah, so what'd she want?
- I don't know, something
about coming in tomorrow.
- Now she's not, she's not
coming for three weeks.
- Well, she said tomorrow.
One o'clock.
- Oh, shit.
Look, can you do me a favor?
- What is that?
- [Mik] Can you be at my house
tomorrow when she shows up?
I have to work tomorrow.
Some of us have jobs.
- [Jeeter] Say please.
- Would you please be at my
apartment tomorrow at one?
- Pretty please?
- Would you, fuck this.
Are you gonna be at my apartment or not?
- All right, all right,
all right, I'll go.
- All right.
- I guess my not working's
coming in pretty handy, huh?
- Look, it'll only be a few hours.
(glass slams)
- Next time your buddy runs outta here
to take advantage of some innocent woman,
tell him not to leave his glass
on the damn condom machine, okay? (sighs)
(birds chirping)
(playful instrumental music)
(spoon tapping)
- I'll never get used to this.
- Ah. (laughs)
Protein.
- Pork rind?
- [K] Christ, don't make me sick.
Where you off to so early?
- I gotta go to Mik's later
so I figured I might as well
just work there all day.
- What's he want you there for?
- His cousin's coming to visit.
Wants someone to be
there when she gets in.
- She?
- Yes, K.
Her name is Gwen.
- What time's she gonna be there?
- I don't know, sometime
around one, I think.
- One, huh?
Hey, you wanna hear about last night?
- You know what, that's okay, K.
I gotta go.
- Stealin' candy, hey, what
does Mik want you to do with--
- Gwen.
- Whatever.
- I don't know, I guess
we'll find out, won't we.
- Gwen, that sounds good.
Do you know what she looks like?
- Do you ever stop, K?
- Hey, I'm a grown boy.
You haven't had a girlfriend
since that scarred chick
about six months ago.
- Hey, hey, hey, I want
you to lay off Diane, okay?
She was having her wisdom teeth taken out.
- Yeah, (chuckles) through her face.
- (Sighs) She won the lawsuit, didn't she?
- Yeah, and dropped you
like a cold happy meal.
Nice FUTAs, though.
- FUTAs?
- Female upper torso appendages.
Seriously, have you even
touched a woman since then?
- You know what, as a
matter of fact, I have.
Last week, I saw Renee, she gave me a hug.
- What kinda hug?
- Whaddya mean what kinda hug?
- On the hug scale, what type?
- It was a hug, K.
- What, you mean I never
explained this to you?
(sighs) There's basically
five types of hugs.
Type one, basically the grandma hug.
Pretty much arms only.
Type two, the closer upper body hug,
which generally involves
some boob friction.
Type three, the classic boob-squisher.
It's important that you don't confuse
type three with type
four, since in type three
there is some boob squishing,
but there is no crotch friction.
- Crotch friction?
- Type four adds the crotch friction.
Type five is sorta different.
Uh, it's pretty much just
only done in the summer months
or by swimming pools
since it involves flesh
actually pressing against flesh.
- So what about type six?
- Oh, there's no type six.
- No type six, why not?
- 'Cause after type five,
you're not huggin' anymore.
- I gotta go, K.
- It was a two, wasn't it?
- Goodbye, K.
- Never settle for a two,
always go at least a three.
God, you'd think by now
he would've learned something from me.
(man chuckling)
(lively rock music)
Oh, it's you.
Yeah, I suppose we can do this now.
You got the money?
All right, let's have it.
No man, that's not the
way it works, money first.
(man whistling)
(uptempo rock music)
(Gwen knocking)
♪ You knock me dead, sure but sweet ♪
♪ Skewer with a knife ♪
♪ You ruin this world we live in ♪
♪ With your rightly mindless song ♪
- [Gwen] Mik?
♪ You are very wrong ♪
(Gwen knocking)
♪ Not a man among you ♪
♪ Just maggots and flies ♪
♪ Die you nasty fags ♪
♪ Die you nasty fags ♪
♪ Die you nasty fags ♪
♪ May god have mercy on your souls ♪
♪ Die you fucking assholes ♪
♪ Fecal animation ♪
- Hi.
Mik Harris's apartment.
- Yeah.
- Where's he?
- Oh, he went to work.
- [Gwen] Oh.
- Hey, make yourself at home, you know.
Do whatever you want.
- [Gwen] And you are?
- I'm Jeeter.
- The artist.
What is it?
- It's a self-portrait.
- Oh, it looks like you. (giggles)
So what, did Mik have
to take you in again?
- No, I'm here because of you.
- Oh, you're the welcome wagon.
- Well, Mik couldn't be here, and--
- [Gwen] Since you aren't working?
- Yeah, you're Mik's cousin.
- Second cousin, and what
is that supposed to mean?
- Nothin'.
- Oh, it feels so good
to be outta that car.
Seven hours on the road.
I mean, I like driving and all, oh!
This guy in a Cadillac,
please explain to me
why it is that they
spend millions of dollars
to create the most advanced
engines in Cadillacs
when the only people that are driving them
are 80 year old men
who don't go past 40 miles an hour anyway?
And the rain, it's like the
second one drop of rain falls--
- I'm sorry, is there anyway that.
I'm really trying to work on.
- The painting.
(sighs) So, after about two
hours of this rain torture.
I took--
(blaring rock music)
♪ You think you're right ♪
♪ Even though you're wrong ♪
♪ You think you're as strong as one ♪
♪ As you are in a mob ♪
- I can definitely see
you in your painting now,
so pleasant.
- Thanks.
- So you're not even
gonna ask me why I'm here?
- What, is there a little family reunion?
- Yeah, well, I haven't
seen Mik in a while
and I guess I sorta missed him.
- Really?
- I thought you were
supposed to be his friend.
- Yeah, with friends like Mik,
who needs Beatles anthologies?
- (laughs) Well, he
told me a lot about you.
He said you were talented.
- Get out.
- Yeah, well he also said
you were a bit misguided
and need to grow up and start--
- Being more responsible.
- Right.
- That's Mik all right.
- Let's just say, I've been
through it once or twice.
Why yellow?
- Hm?
- This stroke right here,
how did you know that was
supposed to be yellow?
- Well, because yellow's right.
- But how did you know that?
- It's my painting.
- Well, I mean like why
not green or something--
- No, no, no, no, no.
Green is wrong, yellow's right.
- You're just that kind of a guy.
- What kind of a guy?
- Obnoxiously overconfident.
- No, I wouldn't say that.
- What would you say?
- I don't know, it's just
something I feel, you know?
I don't even know what the word for it is,
I guess I call it--
- Passion?
- Hey Jeeter, I.
Oh, I'm sorry, you must
be Gwen, Mik's cousin.
- Second cousin.
- I'm K,
it's great to finally meet you.
I've been looking forward to it.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
Mik told me a lot about
you, and you louse!
- What's the problem?
- Is this any way to treat
an attractive young girl?
- What?
- I'm sorry, I have to
apologize for my friend here.
He's obviously involved in something.
Your idea of entertaining this lass
is to make her sit here
and watch your paint dry?
You must be hungry after that trip.
- Well, to be honest, yeah, I am.
- Perfecto, you're hungry,
I've got the afternoon off.
Let me get you outta here
and into a decent restaurant.
Trust me, the last thing you want
is for Mik to cook for you.
- Sure, okay.
- Jeeter, you can take off now.
- Bye, Jeeter.
- Tell Mik we'll be back later.
(dramatic rock music)
- So, like I was telling
you on the phone, Harv,
may I call you Harv?
- I'd rather you didn't.
- Okay, so we have an excellent staff here
and we specialize in this sort of thing.
- Where's your bar?
- Excuse me?
- [Harv] Surely you have a
bloody bar around here, right?
- In here, well, no.
- Bloody hell.
Then you mean to say you have
no refreshments around here?
- Oh, refreshments?
- Yeah.
- Sure, I usually keep
something around here
for these occasions.
Ah, here we go.
- What is this?
- America's favorite chocolate drink.
- Oh, blimey.
It'll do.
(midtempo rock music)
Meh.
- Okay, now, with your grand opening,
you're going to need publicity materials.
Posters, flyers, bumper
stickers, that sort of thing.
- Oh yeah, that's right.
You're the promotions bloke.
- Yes, now.
Here's an example of some of
the work we've done recently.
Look at the artwork and the drawings.
Everything is done in-house.
That way, you save
money, and you save time.
This is one of my personal favorites.
We did all of the work for
the opening of a new car wash.
Pretty good, huh?
- No, not really.
- Whaddya mean?
- I mean it sucks.
I can't use shit like that.
- Okay, it's not quite your taste.
- No, I didn't say that.
I said it sucks.
Look mate, I'm opening a punk club here,
I'm not opening a bloody car wash
or a bleedin' balloon factory.
I need something that's
in-your-face, you follow?
- In your face.
- [Harvey] Yeah, you know,
something to reinforce
the whole punk image.
You know, mate, anarchy,
fuck the world, right?
It's all image.
- Oh, well, you know your business,
but this is a small town.
Something like that might,
well, frighten people away.
- Precisely.
Look mate, everywhere you
go, you're gonna find kids
tryin' to piss of their moms and dads
by spending their money on shit they hate.
Besides, if I gave a bloody
fuck about what anybody thought,
I'd be sittin' where you are.
Now look, the whole punk
thing is about anger,
and that's what I want
from you, you follow?
- Anger, hm.
Well, I'll get my artist right on it.
Now that you've provided the direction--
- Are you deaf?
How could the same bloke
that draws smiley faces
on freshly-washed cars deliver anger?
- Well, he's really good.
- No, no, mate, it's gotta be real.
- It's gotta be somebody who's, who's--
- Who's what?
- Well, not some bloody
purple-suit-wearin' office guppy,
that's for damn sure.
(punk rock music)
- Well, wait,
are we done?
I still have some great
stuff that I'd like to--
- Look when you come up with
something I can use, call me.
I got another appointment.
Cheerio.
- Ah yes, bye Harv.
- Harvey.
Listen, don't waste my time
unless you can find someone
who can give me what I want.
(uptempo rock music)
- [Bill] Yeah, Bernice?
Get that rat account of mine on the phone.
I can't make heads or tails of this shit.
I don't know, just get him down here,
that's what I pay him for.
(phone clicks)
(Mik knocks)
- Bill?
Good, you're in a good mood.
- What the hell do you want?
- Remember, I asked you
about taking Thursdays off?
Well, I figured you would
need some coverage help,
and I have a friend who
can take care of my shift--
- Who said anything about
you getting Thursdays off?
- I talked to you about
it a few weeks ago,
and you said you would think about it.
- What's this about, boy?
You flippin' pancakes for
somebody else on the side?
- No, no, nothing at all like that.
There's this class I wanna
take at the community college.
I have to register within the week, so I--
- Class, you mean like school?
- Well, yeah, it's a government class--
- (laughs) Government, ha!
- Well, yeah, and I--
- Oh no, you don't need to go to school.
Old Billy can teach you
everything you need to know
about the government.
Look at here.
You see this big ass pile of papers?
Let's say that this is all the money
that old Billy here slaves
to make each and every day.
What does the government do?
They take it, all of it!
Federal tax, state tax,
city tax, licensing fee.
And what is Bill left with?
He's left with this.
Did you ever try to feed
a family of six with this?
- No.
- Now, if I let you have Thursdays off
and hire your loser friend,
what am I left with?
This.
Look at this shit.
You can't even write on this,
much less use if for food.
- All right, maybe I'll just go finish up.
- Yeah, you go back there and
see Walter before you leave.
He may have somethin' for you later.
♪ Come on ♪
- Kids suck.
(door rattling)
(somber rock music)
(keys jingling)
- [Jerzey] So, am I
gonna hear you beg now?
- Jerzey, what have you just done?
- I just called my father
and told him that I was having trouble
with certain tenants.
He said that I'm in charge,
and I can do what I see fit.
- Did you tell him it was me?
- [Jerzey] What's the difference?
You, him, her?
- The difference is your dad
and I have an understanding.
- And in my dad's absence,
I can do as I see fit.
I'm his legal agent in charge,
and I see fit to kick your ass out.
(door rattling)
- All right, all right,
all right, look Jerzey, just
please let me in, all right?
My shit's up there.
- Oh!
- Just open the fuckin' door.
- Oh-ho, hang on.
Foul language is an act of belligerence,
and belligerence, as you know,
is grounds for expulsion
from the premises.
- Jerzey, all right, just please,
you can't do this, all right?
Where's your dad?
- Duh, I think I'm the one in charge.
I'm calling the shots, I mean,
what are you fuckin' stupid or something?
(phone rings)
Hello?
Wonderful, perfect timing.
Okay, I'll be right down.
I have to go downstairs for a second.
I have a real tenant
ready to pay real rent
in an apartment that just
became available. (sniffs)
(Jerzey laughing)
(uptempo rock music)
(door thuds)
(uptempo rock music)
♪ Freedom, freedom ♪
- Well, here's the place.
- I thought you said
this was an artist loft.
- [Jerzey] It was.
- It's a bloody attic!
- Well, did I mention all
utilities are included?
- I thought you said this
place was available today.
- It is.
- Well, some bloke's stuff is still here.
And what the bloody fuck is all that shit?
- Did you know that during the Civil War,
this house was a whorehouse
where Abraham Lincoln
actually bagged like five women,
and not only did he bag 'em,
but he like killed three of 'em.
He was like huge, man.
I can tell you're not from around here,
but you must've heard the legend.
- Blimey!
- Oh, I can get a janitor
to clean this stuff up.
It's just a matter of getting
it right to the window
and tossing it out--
- Do you know who did this?
- No, but I can find out
So, 400 a month okay?
- [Harvey] Do you have a fax machine?
- Yeah, down in my dad's, yah!
In my office.
Sure, but you don't need references.
You've got an honest face--
- Cheerio.
- Uh, there is still a small
matter of a security deposit.
- I'm not taking the
bloody apartment, okay?
Just get me to your
fax machine, all right?
- I can't hold it for long.
I've got other parties who are interested.
You know, I figure with
a fresh coat of paint,
this place could look almost painted.
(uptempo rock music)
♪ Wrestling with your closet
full of factual flaws ♪
♪ Impress me with
something I already know ♪
♪ Impress me with your
awkward sociability ♪
♪ Impress me
pseudo-intellectual philosophy ♪
- Well, I gotta rest,
it's been a long trip.
- It'll just be for a second.
- [Gwen] I've been trying
to be polite about this--
- [K] I thought we hit it off, and--
- Look, if I have to drop a
ton of bricks on your head--
- All right, all right.
How about later?
Here, meet me at this
place about seven, okay?
- Look, right now, all I'm
thinking about is going to bed.
That's how, oh shut up.
(door thuds)
- So I guess you guys
really hit it off, huh?
(door knocking)
- Look, there's no way
I'm sleeping with you, so.
Oh god, I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Maybe you got a sister or something.
- What the hell are you?
- You must be Mik's cousin.
- Second cousin.
- Told me you'd be staying
here for a few days.
Good tenant, that Mik.
Actually, I'm looking for
a loser friend of his.
Name's Jeeter, he's kinda
tall and dorky lookin'.
Probably carryin' a few milk crates.
- He's not here.
- Yeah, well I know he
wouldn't be stayin' here.
Mik and I already discussed that.
But I thought he might be here hiding out.
- Uh, what do you want with him?
- He's a former tenant of the building.
I got word he might be on
the premises illegally,
possibly to terrorize the building.
- (chuckles) To terrorize the building?
- Look, I noticed you just got in,
and if I could just get in
there for a little while,
you know, just check around,
you know, it'd be for your own protection.
- I'll tell you what, I'll
take a quick look around
and I'll get back to you.
- It's just that I'm a
trained professional.
I've got a coup baton, I know jiu jitsu--
(door thuds)
- Nope, nobody here but me.
- That's okay.
If you do see him, you let
Jerzey know as soon as possible.
He might be, uh, dangerous.
- Sure thing.
- Yeah, well I was in
operation Desert Storm--
(door thuds)
- So what was that all about?
- I have no idea.
- I think the both of us deserve a beer.
Come on, I'm buyin'.
(gentle electronic music)
- Okay.
So I get to my apartment, my
stuff's all over the hallway,
and there's a padlock on the fucking door.
I mean, Jerzey doesn't even
own the place, his dad does.
- Where's he?
- I don't know, I think he's on vacation.
- So what are you gonna do?
- (sighs) I'll figure something out.
- [Gwen] Why don't you
just stay at Mik's place?
- [Jeeter] I am not
asking Mik to stay there.
- [Gwen] I'll put in a good word for you.
- No, thank you.
- (giggles) Am I imagining this,
or are we actually having a conversation?
- I wouldn't call this a conversation.
- Oh.
(bottle clinks)
- Oh!
(Gwen laughs)
You suck.
That was my only beer.
- Hey!
- Being this obnoxious takes energy.
I thought you said you were tired.
- Of your friend, yes.
- So how was your date with K?
- It was not a date.
He's harmless, he's just
looking for something
to brag to his friends about.
- Someone here sounds
awfully full of herself.
- Well, you know what I mean.
You have lovely eyes,
can I cook you breakfast?
- K said you have lovely eyes?
- [Gwen] Yeah, I think he did.
- I haven't noticed.
(Gwen laughs)
- Your girlfriend is a lucky gal.
- Girlfriend?
Nah.
- Big surprise there.
- Hey.
Most women want two things
from a guy, time and money.
I got very little of both.
(gentle instrumental music)
It's been my experience.
- You think all women are like that?
- I don't know.
Look, I should probably
be getting back, you know?
- Your beer's leaking.
(uptempo rock music)
You know, you'd think with
all that's happened to you,
you'd carry a tent in here.
- You're funny.
- Let's see, I remember
a story that Mik told me,
something about a fire escape
in the middle of the night.
- It was not in the middle of the night.
It was in the middle of the night.
(Gwen laughs)
All right, I was living in New York,
and I just left art school,
and I ran outta money,
but I was painting a lot, you know,
I was doing some really good work--
- Yada, yada, yada, the fire escape.
- So I get tipped off that
my landlord is coming up
to my apartment with the marshal,
so I look around, and the
fire escape is my only way
to get out.
- So how did you end up here?
- I call up Mik, he wires me 20 bucks,
and says that if I come back here,
he'll give me a place to crash.
- Until the heat was off.
- Shut up.
(Gwen giggles)
You know what, Mik was
really cool about it.
I mean, you know, for a while anyway.
- Yeah, well, that's
just how he is sometimes.
Trust me, I know.
Oh, cool, where did you get this?
- I found it in a garage sale.
- [Gwen] This is great.
- So Mik gave you a hard time too, huh?
- Oh yeah.
Well, when I was about 18,
I had gotten accepted at
this school down in Texas.
- Mm-hm.
- Only I had no idea
whether I wanted to go to college or not.
You know, the old should
I go, should I not go,
what the hell am I gonna do with my life?
I mean, I liked business a lot,
I just wasn't sure, and I tried
to confide in Mik about it,
and he just went on and on about
how I'm being irresponsible
and I'm ruining my life.
He was a real pain in the ass for a while.
To be honest, part of the
reason why I went to college
was just to get him off my back.
I don't know.
I guess it was all for the best,
but still, I don't know
about him sometimes.
I mean, if he's so damned
concerned about me,
then how come he, what?
- Nothing.
- What, am I doing something wrong.
- No.
- Do you want me to stop playin' with it?
- No, you can do whatever you want.
- So when did you start it?
- Well, I actually started
painting yesterday.
I mean, but I've been sketching
it out for a few weeks.
I work better when I sketch it out first.
- Brash, yet organized.
It's interesting.
I'm amazed at how all these
colors are coming together
to create something.
- So you like it?
- I'm starting to see something in it.
- Like what?
- I don't know, anger,
sensitivity, passion.
- [Mik] Gwen?
- Mik, hi.
- Hi, great to finally see you again.
I wasn't expecting you
though for a few weeks.
- Oh, well, there's been
a slight change of plans.
- Oh, I hope you're not just
being your old impulsive self.
You had a pretty good job, Gwen,
and with your business background,
I'm sure you could've.
- Mik, watch out for the milk crates.
- What's going on here?
- Oh nothing, Jeeter and I
were just getting acquainted.
- Whaddya mean, acquainted?
What is all this stuff?
- Oh, that slimy guy locked
him out of his apartment.
- Locked out?
- Mik, Jerzey's just fuckin' with me, man.
- [Mik] I told you this
was gonna happen again.
- Mik, it's just Jerzey
bein' a dick, okay?
- So, what are you gonna
do in the meantime?
- Well, why can't he just stay--
- Just, don't worry about me, okay?
I'll figure something out.
- Damn it, I knew it,
you cannot stay here.
- Why?
- Did I say anything
about staying here?
- This is bullshit, he's 29
years, you are 29 years old.
What is wrong with you?
- All right, first of
all, Mik, it's a mistake.
- A mistake?
- Okay.
- Are you or are you
not late with your rent?
- A little bit, yeah.
- And you're gonna stand here and tell me
that it's not your fault.
- Mik, what I'm saying is, you know--
- A mistake, this is typical.
- Mik, you know my landlord
and I have an understanding.
- Mik, it's not like
you're gonna kick him out
into the street.
Oh, come on, you have the room here,
and it's only for a few days.
- A few days, yeah right.
That's what he said the first time.
In some ways, he's still living here.
- [Gwen] It's very temporary.
- Look, I don't have
time for this right now.
I gotta go.
- Where are you going, you just got here?
- A new cook's starting tonight,
and I volunteered to help train him.
I won't be gone the whole shift,
just a few hours, if that.
This just better be
straightened out by tomorrow.
- [Gwen] It'll be straightened out.
- Look, when I get back later,
you and I will go out for dinner.
- Okay.
- We'll talk then.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
(punk rock music)
(gentle electronic music)
(balls clacking)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
Oh, Harvey, how you doin'?
Yes, I got your fax,
and we're right on it.
Oh yeah, it's goin' great.
Oh sure, I've got some stuff to show ya.
Yeah, tomorrow, late afternoon,
oh, that's still fine.
Yes, yes.
Okay, see ya then.
Oh, shit.
- What's wrong, I'm gone for a few hours
and the whole place falls apart?
- Oh, it's this Harvey.
I've been at this all day,
but so far, I've come up with nothing.
- Was that him on the phone?
- He wants, oh hell,
I don't even know what
this guy wants anymore.
- Well, is he comin' here?
- Hey, wait a minute.
I thought you had a family thing.
You were supposed to be
meeting with a cousin
or something like that.
- Oh yeah, yeah, that didn't
last as long as I'd hoped,
and I thought you might need me.
- I do, here.
Take a look at what he faxed us over.
He said that this was the type of thing
he was looking for.
- Where'd he get this?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
- Looks familiar.
- We've just got, what did you say?
- Nothin', um.
Do you have his number?
I thought I might give him a buzz.
- I was just on the phone with him.
- Yeah, but you know
how guys like this are,
they need to be stroked.
Come on, I'm great with
clients, you know that.
Lemme take a shot at him.
- Why not?
I've tried everything.
Take him someplace nice,
a country club, maybe.
Shove a few pints down his throat,
loosen him up a bit, you know?
- And if you go, let me know
because I would like to be there.
- Absolutely, absolutely.
- And we really have to
sell 'em on the company.
I don't think he's too
impressed with us yet.
- Don't worry, he'll be impressed.
I can use your phone, right?
- Oh, sure, and, uh.
If you go, you'll let me know?
- Absolutely.
You got it.
(midtempo rock music)
(sighs) Shit.
(phone ringing)
Hey Gwen, it's K.
I need to talk to you about that pass.
Gwen, damn it, answering machines suck.
(slinky rattles)
- I told you the apartment was slanted.
- Okay, so I owe you a beer.
So I'm leaving tomorrow.
- I know.
- Am I gonna like New York?
- As long as you stay out of the middle.
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Well, in New York, there
are three types of people.
People with a lot of
money who can spend it,
and you know, that's great.
- Mm-hm.
- You have people with no money,
but they got a lot of time,
and that's great, too.
But see, the problem is that
most people are in the middle.
- What is the middle?
- Nowhere.
- Do you miss it?
- I'd go back in the right situation.
- Why don't you?
- No money, no time.
- Well, I think I will like it.
- Why are you going, anyway?
- Well, you're in a place,
and the littlest thing happens
and you realize that you're
going nowhere, so you move on.
- Good for you.
- I thought you would understand.
- Yeah, well.
I've always figured
you just gotta follow
your instincts, you know?
- Mm-hm.
- I mean, you just gotta do your thing,
and whatever happens, happens.
- Yep.
- I mean, you gotta trust yourself.
- Definitely trust yourself.
- And keep moving along.
- Keep movin' along.
- And take control.
- Take control.
(midtempo rock music)
♪ You it kills ♪
♪ I like I ♪
- Sweet merciful shit!
- Mik, hi!
What are you doing here?
- I live here.
- See ya later, Mik.
- See you later?
Is that all you can say
to me is see you later?
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Goodbye, Mik?
- Jesus Christ, Jeeter,
you are the most irresponsible
bastard I have ever met.
You have got no job, no
money, no place to stay,
and what are you doing?
Playing Hide the Slinky
with my damn cousin?
- Second cousin, and hold on--
- And you, oh, I guess
I know why you wanted me
to take him in, huh?
- Christ, Mik, you've gone insane.
- Relax, all right?
Gwen and I--
- Gwen and I?
Oh no, I don't think so, Dutch Boy.
There's not gonna be anymore Gwen and I,
and you know why?
'Cause you're takin' your ass,
and you're gettin' outta
here right now, god damn it.
I can't believe I let him in.
- Hey, I never asked
you to take me in, Mik.
- And you, Gwen, I just don't understand.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You should know better.
Can't you tell he's
never gonna be a thing?
He's just a lazy bastard.
- He's not a bastard, Mik.
- You know, you're right.
He's not a bastard.
You're a rat bastard.
A selfish, spineless, rat bastard.
You don't care about anything
or anyone, your life,
your future, or anybody else.
You're just a selfish rat
bastard, that's all you are.
And I want this, and
this, and definitely that
out of my apartment right fucking now!
- You don't know me, Mik.
You don't know anything about me.
- I know you don't do shit.
- No, I just don't do what you do.
- I'm not like you, Mik.
I don't wanna be like you,
and you could never
handle that, could you?
- You see that plaque there?
- [Jeeter] What, employee of the month?
- Damn right, you know what it means?
- [Jeeter] What?
- It means that I take things seriously.
It means that I've taken
responsibility for myself
and am conscientious enough
to work hard at a job--
- At a job you hate.
Is that your idea of being responsible?
Slaving away for an abusive boss
and wearing it like a fucking badge.
That's responsible?
Well, I don't want any part of it, then.
- Look Jeeter, real people in
the real world really work.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Now, you're telling
me that you're happy?
- We're not talking about me.
- Bullshit.
What is it that you really want, Mik?
I mean, you happy
straddling a grill all day?
Is that what you really wanna do?
And be honest with me for once.
- Look, I'm paying my own way,
which is more than I can say about you.
- Bullshit.
I really want to be a painter,
that's all I've ever wanted to do.
What do you really want?
Finish the sentence.
I wanna be.
I mean, say it, I wanna be a, a what.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Tell me--
- I wanna be you, Jeeter.
Yeah, I wanna wake up every day of my life
and sponge off my friends,
just lounge around
in somebody else's apartment
painting all day long.
Yeah, that would make me really happy.
Let me ask you something.
Where has all this happiness gotten you?
- Hey guys, what's up?
Come on in, Harv.
This'll only take a second.
Let me introduce you around.
This is Mik, Jeeter, and Gwen.
- I thought you said
we were going drinking.
- Really, it'll only take a second, okay?
Gwen, hi, I need that
pass that I gave you.
- Which one of you blokes paints?
- He does.
- He does.
- Mind if I look?
- Whatever.
- Yep.
- Thanks.
- Bloody hell, it's the drawing.
- What drawing.
- Well, the one in the attic--
- My good friend Jeeter here is obviously
a very talented artist.
We've used some of his work in the past,
and I think you'll be--
- This is my drawing.
Where'd you get this?
- Well, I found it in that attic
that that slimy bloke
showed me this afternoon,
right upstairs, actually.
- You're talking about my apartment.
- Oh, bloody hell, you
live in that shithole?
Whew, no wonder you're so angry.
- Well, Harvey, so long as you're happy,
I think we should have--
- Relax, kid, will ya?
All right?
This is incredible.
- What?
- The painting, I mean, it's perfect.
This is exactly the kinda
stuff I'm looking form
- [Mik] You've been looking for that?
- Well yeah, I'm opening
up a punk club in town
in a few weeks--
- And we're gonna use
some of Jeeter's artwork
in the promotional material.
- Jeeter doesn't work for you.
- What do you call it?
- Well, the company's
called Fred's Funhouse,
but personally, I've always--
- I'm not talkin' to you, all right?
The painting, what do you call it?
- I call it Rat Bastard.
- (chuckles) Rat Bastard, I like that.
It's perfect.
- Great, then we can meet
with Jeeter in the morning,
but in the meantime, we
really need to discuss--
- Hold on, the artist isn't
affiliated with this gentlemen.
He's an independent.
I represent him,
so if you have any interest in his work,
you can just deal with me.
- What?
- I didn't get your name.
- [Gwen] Gwen.
- Look Gwen, I like the bloke's work,
and I want the man to do
some designing for me.
I tell you what.
I'll give you $200 in advance for the job
and another $200 on completion.
- I'm sorry, but you obviously don't know
who you're dealin' with, here.
- You know Harvey, since you've got money,
I've got this great idea--
- Oh blimey bollocks,
don't you ever shut up?
- This gentlemen happens
to be a famous artist
from New York City.
His individual work alone
sells for about a thousand
to 1,500, but you're talking
about a whole design job.
- It's a right simple job.
Posters, flyers, a few
pictures here and there.
Not a bad gig for a starving artist
if you ask me, eh?
Okay, all right, we'll go as high as 750
for the whole project--
- Well, then I guess you're
wasting your time and ours.
Good luck on finding someone else though.
Perhaps this gentlemen can help you.
- $1,000, but I can't--
- Hire my artist for $1,000
that's what you can't do.
I'm sorry, Harvey, was it?
We have several other deals in the works.
In fact, we're about to meet
with some potential clients
right now, so if you'll excuse us.
- Do you have any idea
what's going on here?
- Sorry, I just live here.
- Are you fuckin' crazy?
- Wait, wait.
Now surely love,
there's some room in
here to negotiate, okay?
Okay, let's say $1,000
in advance for the job,
and an additional--
- Thousand dollars upon completion.
- Oh, blimey.
Fine, whatever--
- And--
- Bloody fucking hell.
- I retain complete creative control.
Look, if you want my art,
you gotta have it as is, no changes.
- [Harvey] Oh come on, bloke.
Surely, you realize--
- It's not negotiable.
- Blimey.
You are a rat bastard.
- Great, I'll drop a simple contract,
and I'll have it to you
by tomorrow sometime.
We'll talk specifics then.
- Fine.
Am I the only bloke
here that needs a drink?
- Yeah, I could use one.
- Tell that purple-suit-wearin'
arse hole boss of yours
to lose my number you follow?
(sniffs) Is that CKB?
- Yes it is.
- Wanker.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- Great.
- Cheerio.
- [Gwen] Cheerio.
- So I guess I'm not going
to New York tomorrow.
- Well, somebody's gotta
walk you through this thing.
And besides, you owe me a commission.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Well, you owe me a beer.
- Okay. (giggles)
- Let me see if I understand this.
He just left with my
client and my girlfriend?
- You mean your client and my cousin.
- Second cousin.
Boy, he is a rat bastard.
So, are you gonna go with him?
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.
- [K] What about work tomorrow morning,
you gotta go in early again?
- No.
Maybe I'll go in later.
I've got something else
to do in the morning.
- Hey, are you guys comin' or not?
- Ladies night at The Camel?
Damn straight, I'm there.
- Jesus.
(suspenseful music)
(Jerzey laughs)
What the hell do you want, grease boy?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I am this close to renting
out your old apartment.
I gotta British guy who's interested.
But, to show you I'm a nice guy
and because I've got no place to live,
I'd be willing to let you stay there
on a temporary basis.
- [Jeeter] Oh.
- For only (sniffs) a
hundred more a month.
- [Jeeter] A hundred a month, huh?
- Hey, it's still less
than the Limey's payin'.
And just to show you there
are no hard feelings,
I'll let you slide for a
week, baby. (teeth clicks)
- Jerzey, that is really kind of you,
but, you know what?
I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
- Why?
- [Mik] Because Jeeter's
already got a place to live.
- Oh, well.
Hey, is that hot little cousin
gonna be stayin' in town?
'Cause if she is, I can
let her have it real cheap.
You know, even cheaper
than I let Jeeter have it,
'cause you know, Jeeter had
all that art stuff there,
then it was an artist's
loft, and, you know,
that's a whole different category.
This way, it would be a finished attic.
Yes, and a finished attic is a lot cheaper
than an artist's loft,
you know what I mean?
- Hey Jerzey, when did your
dad get the new wheels?
- What, the Caddy?
He got her about week ago.
Got a really good deal on it.
Daddy?
- Yeah, he's outside talkin' to Gwen.
- Daddy's home now?
- (laughs) Man, does he look pissed.
- Oh, shit.
(Jeeter laughing)
- I'll see you guys outside,
there's no way I'm missing this.
(midtempo electronic music)
- Come on, I'll buy you a beer.
How often does that happen?
- Never.
I'll be right out.
(door thuds)
(uptempo rock music)
(heavy metal music)
♪ Get me outta this shit hole ♪
♪ You coppers take on ♪
♪ Can't pay my rent and
I look like a slob ♪
♪ Living in some apartment ♪
♪ Without any key ♪
♪ Peckin' all the time 'cause
I can't afford to eat ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Done with less I'm scraping by ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Can't get handfuls, can't get paid ♪
♪ No way to college got
the poser the twerp ♪
♪ I'm always told I have no serious ♪
♪ Earning low wages must be my thing ♪
♪ 40 more hours at a job I fuckin' hate ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Done with less I'm scraping by ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ At this job I fuckin' hate ♪
♪ I'm a searchin' must be (mumbles) ♪
♪ Ooh sure, fucking maggots ♪
(man sings in foreign language)
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Ridin' my ass 'cause
I work so bloody hard ♪
♪ On your (mumbles) crashed in the yard ♪
♪ Nothing but a slave in a
sucker's way I've found ♪
♪ In many ways I give an excuse ♪
♪ I never turn around ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Minimum I say scream that's right ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ In this every kind of hate ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Don't go last and say what's right ♪
♪ Minimum wage, minimum wage ♪
♪ Can't get him to look at me ♪