Rat (2000) - full transcript

'Seventy years ago, me grandfather,
Hubert Flynn I,

'set out from his home
in the County Wexford

'and journeyed north over the hills
and valleys of Wicklow

'until he came to Dublin City.

'I remember once,
when I was a chiseller,

'he caught me widdling up
against the wall,

'and he told me, if I behave like
a dog, I might turn into a dog.

'And then he was off
on one of his old yarns

'about people he knew that turned
into goats and weasels.

'Of course, me grandfather
said more than his prayers.

'But sometimes,
in among the ramblings,



'there'd be a grain of truth.'

♪ Once I had a secret love

♪ That lived within the heart of me

♪ All too soon my secret love

♪ Became impatient to be free

♪ So I told a friendly star

♪ The way that dreamers often do

♪ just how wonderful you are

♪ And why I'm so in love with you

♪ Now I shout it

♪ From the highest hill

♪ Even told the golden daffodils

♪ At last

♪ My heart's an open door



♪ And my secret love's no secret

♪ Any more ♪

How's it going, Hubert?

I'm not the best, Mick.

Is it the bronichals, Hubert?

I don't know, Daisy.
It's like a contraction in me tubes.

(Daisy) Maybe it's the Asiatic flu.

Well, whatever it is...

I've a feeling there's worse to come.

- Get that into you, Hubert.
- God bless you, Mick.

- (Woman) Oh, decided to come home(?)
- Yak, yak...

- Where were you till this hour?
- Don't start, I'm suffering.

- Suffering more when I'm finished.
- I'm off to me bed.

That's it.
In from the pub, off to the bed.

If only I'd listened to me mother.

(Radio) '..said afterwards
that she bore the horse no ill will.

'This is Radio Kimmage.

'The sound of the Grand Canal
on 2-5-3 metres medium wave.

'Now the weather.
Today will be cloudy,

'with a south-easterly wind
bringing showers later on tonight,

'with a high of ten degrees.

'This is your very own
Radio Kimmage, 2-5-3.

'And now a newsflash.

'News is coming in of an accident
that took place...'

...six, seven.

- Excuse me.
- Ah, you put me off.

Sorry.
I'm looking for St Peter's Crescent.

Number 19, St Peter's Crescent.

I have St Peter's Gardens written
down, but it must be the Crescent

because 19 in the Gardens
is a butcher.

Hey! Get away from the children.

- I just...
- Get away before I call the Guards.

(Radio) '..recorded at Port of Spain

'and measured 6.2
on the Richter scale.

'Finally, no change has been reported
in the condition

'of 53-year-old Dublin baker's
delivery man, Hubert Flynn,

'who last night, in his home
at St Peter's Crescent, Kimmage,

'turned into a rat.

'Now the weather...'

Maybe now you're satisfied?

(indistinct chatter)

- ls this the Flynn residence?
- Isn't it desperate?

You'd be close,
yourself and the Flynns?

Oh, yes. I was Hubert's first love.

Oh, really?

Daisy Farrdell, two Rs, two Ls.

- I'll take your plate, Daddy.
- Let it sit.

- But he's finished.
- Don't touch it.

You sit there till you eat it.
I'll not see good food wasted.

- He ate the black pudding.
- He can't live on that!

This is the latest trick. Demanding
black pudding, lettin' on he's a rat!

You're not moving
till you've ate that egg.

- (Knock at door)
- Answer that.

Don't squint at me
with those beady eyes.

You never bested me as a man,
you won't as a rat.

- Maybe he'd like a duck egg?
- Answer that door!

And don't let anybody in except
your Uncle Matt. If you think...

- Yeah?
- Good morning, miss.

Is this the residence
of Mr Hubert Flynn?

- Why do you wanna know?
- I heard the news on the radio...

- I'm saying no more.
- If you'll just give me a chance.

Here's me card. Phelim Spratt.
I'm a freelance journalist.

- Can I just talk to your mother?
- She's not in.

(Mother) Eat that egg!

Marietta, come here
and hold your father's mouth open.

- Yeah.
- What's that man doing in the door?

- He's a reporter.
- I'm not.

- What's he want?
- To write about you.

I don't.

He'll write nothing in the papers
about me.

- On your bike.
- I wouldn't write it, you would.

What was that again?

- You'd be writing it yourself.
- In the paper?

No, a book.

- A book?!
- Your own story.

You would write it, and I would help.

- I would write a book?
- First a book, then a film.

A film of the book?

And then a book of the film.

(Phelim) And the video.

I apologise for keeping
you standing in the hall.

- Come on, Felix, meet me husband.
- It's Phelim.

What are youse waiting for?

Do you think he's going to appear
on the balcony?

- You'll have to excuse the place.
- It's charming, Mrs Flynn.

And this would be your sister?

- It's me daughter, Marietta.
- Go 'way!

And this is me son, Pius.

- He's going to be a priest.
- Oh.

And this is me husband, Hubert,
the head of the family.

(Phelim) I see he's a white rat.

Of course he is.
Wasn't he a white man?

It'd be unnatural for a white man
to turn into a black rat.

I thought you'd have the brains
to see that.

Can I ask him a few questions?

To get on his wavelength,
excavate his innermost thoughts.

Go on, then. Shift over, Pius.

Last night, Hubert,
you turned into a rat.

He knows that, Felix.

Before and during your metamorphosis,

were you conscious
of rapid metabolic change?

Sudden shrinking of the brain
or other vital organs?

Do you hear the man talking to you?

Were you at any time aware of human
and animal consciousness merging?

Any increase of intuitive responses

aligned to a diminution
of the powers of reasoning?

You're wasting your breath.

He was contrary as a man,
he's contrary as a rat.

Look at him picking at his food!
He'd put years on you.

You're not the only one
with problems.

It's natural
that he shouldn't talk to me.

I'm a stranger
and he has had a severe shock.

There's more than him
had a severe shock.

I have to gain his confidence.
You know? Earn his trust.

There's only one thing for it -
I'll have to move in.

- In here?
- I have to capture

the true day-to-day,
intimate human story,

the tenderness and heartbreak,
the joy and sadness,

the tears and laughter
of one brave woman's life with a rat.

What do you say, Pius?

Ask him about money.

What about money?

Well, I have a draught contract,

giving full protection
to the interests of all concerned.

It's awful,
making a spectacle out of him.

What do you think he's doing?
We'll be all over the papers.

- Nobody must talk to the papers.
- Wasn't it on the wireless?

It was on Radio Kimmage.
Who listens to Radio Kimmage?

If people read the story in
the paper, they won't buy the book.

Do you understand now?

Just promise you won't make
a spectacle of him.

It'll be a heart-warming story,
Miss Flynn.

Like Born Free.

Where will he sleep?

- Come on, I'll show you, Felix.
- It's not Felix, it's Phelim.

He works unsociable hours
on the bread vans,

so he sleeps downstairs
so as not to disturb the family.

There's only one bed.

Well, how many beds do you want?

Do you mean
that I'm to sleep with Hubert?

Ah, no. Hubert wouldn't have that
at all. No, no offence now.

No, no, we have this for Hubert.

See, his little ladder
and a bowl of water

and a little bell.

His swing and a little lick-stone
to stop his teeth growing.

See, nothing's been spared.

He's a very lucky rat.

Is this where it all happened,
Mrs Flynn?

On that very bed. Those were
the clothes he was wearing.

He was just in from the pub,
laying down with his paper,

picking out the horses for tomorrow.

And I was going around the room,
collecting up the dirty clothes

and making a few gentle remarks
on the subject of personal hygiene.

And he was lying there, like,
letting on he didn't hear me.

So...I was quietly ripping
the newspaper out of his hand

in order to gain
his attention when...

I'm sorry, Felix.
I'm not the better of it yet.

Er...well, there on the bed,

just as you see it now,
was the clothes...

and nothing in them.

I stood there, not able to speak...

because he was gone, you see?

And then it happened.

Under the pullover,
something stirred.

And out from the collar
of his shirt...

crawled a rat.

The rest, Felix, is history.

(Phelim) 'What did you do next?'

(Mrs Flynn)
'I sent for me brother, Matt.'

Excuse me.

I think that's him after coming in.

Come and meet him.
He's a rock of sense.

If anybody can solve the problem,
it's Matt.

Thank God you're here, Matt.
This is Felix Spratt.

- Phelim.
- How are you, Felix?

Sit down.
Marietta, shift your father.

Ma, come on. That's Da's seat.

The greasy bit
where he leaned his head.

The little roundy marks
of the pint glass.

- Will you...?
- Leave him be.

I'm grand where I am.

Felix and me
is going to write a book.

- A book?
- A book about Hubert.

Will it be a mystery?

- It'll have mysterious bits.
- Oh.

Well, Conchita, this is gonna have
serious repercussions.

- It is, Matt.
- For a start,

looking on the bright side,

we should be grateful
it was a rat he turned into.

What are you saying?

It could have been something worse,
he could have turned into a vulture.

It may be hard to feed a rat,
but imagine feeding a vulture.

You'd feel very nervous closing
your eyes for a kip after dinner

with a Vulturus monachus
on the mantelpiece?

A giraffe would be worse again.

Tell us about the repercussions.

Well, on the subject of diet,

the rat, or to give him his proper
title, Rattus norvegicus,

is omnivorious.

What's om...nivorious, Matt?

They'll eat anythin'! Nothing
pleases a rat like potato skins,

onion peelings,
so you'll save on the grub.

But the bad part is,
if he's not watched,

he'd eat the sofa
or the paper off the wall.

Point number three.
Do any of you here know

the average life span
of the common rat?

- (Conchita) No.
- Two and three quarter years

is the average life span
of a common rat.

Eh, just remind me,
what age is Hubert?

He's 53.

Well, in that case, what you have
there is a very elderly rat.

There's good and bad in that.

Give us the good part, Matt.

Well, he's probably the oldest rat
in the history of the world.

- What's good about that?
- It's a matter of pride!

There might even be money to be made.
You could take him on a tour

- or lease him out to a circus.
- You'll do no such thing!

Don't interrupt your Uncle Matt.

Just promise me
you'll do nothing till I get home.

He'll be here when you get back.

Now the bad part, Matt.

Personal hygiene.

He's got terrible dirty.

He was so particular.
Now, it's when the notion takes him.

- That is...
- No matter where he is, he lets fly.

As I was trying to explain to you,

that is his nature,
it's training he wants.

If you did train him, he can't stand
in the lavatory, he's not the height.

You can't lift him up
in case he'd fall in and drown.

Nothing worse than a drowned rat in
the toilet - close relation or not.

The only answer is, someone will have
to go in with him and hold him out.

You'll all have to take turns.

And fifthly and finally,

he'll have to give up the job.

People doesn't want their bread
delivered by a rat...

which brings us to the subject
of unemployment benefit.

I went to the Labour this morning
to inquire about Hubert signing on.

- And?
- Unreservedly rejected.

Well, wouldn't you know!

Twenty-five years, never a day sick,
and the minute misfortune strikes...

Think of the questions
that'd be asked.

"Is the Minister aware that
benefit is being claimed by a rat?"

- Hubert isn't just a rat.
- I know that and you know it.

But you have to admit,
appearances are against him.

They'll think if they let one rat
sign on, they'll all want to.

Rats would come from near and far.

Then, they'd find work
for one of them.

Before you know,
you'd have the union organising them.

- Conchita, fair is fair.
- I can see a likeness all the same.

♪ You can only love someone so much

♪ You can only love someone so much

♪ You can only love someone... ♪

- Marietta...
- Yes, Rudolph?

When are you going to ask me in?

I don't think we should rush things.

We've been going out for 18 months.

When am I going to meet your parents?

Do you hear me, Marietta?

You could meet me mother.

- What's wrong with your father?
- Nothing!

Why'd you say that?

I didn't mean
that something was wrong.

I...just ASKED if there was something
wrong with him.

There's nothing wrong
with me father, OK?

Right.

I don't even know your father's name.

It's Hubert.

It's an old family name.

It's from the Huguenots.

(Bell chimes)

- (Man) Father's name?
- Hubert Flynn.

Hubert Flynn?

I've heard that name lately.
Was it on the wireless?

You're maybe thinking of...
Errol Flynn.

I know that name too.
ls he your uncle?

No. Matt's me uncle.

- I never heard of Matt Flynn.
- Not Matt Flynn, Matt Moriarty.

And who's Errol Flynn?

He was a film star.

And he's not your uncle?

Tell us, Father,

is there such a thing
as a bar to the priesthood?

Anything...like...

of a hereditary nature...

that might disqualify you
from becoming a priest?

If a man was descended
from a long line of Lunatics,

or degenerates or criminals,

then there'd be no place for him
in the priesthood.

But that wouldn't mean he were bad.

You see, Pius,
a vocation is a call from God.

If there was anything
wrong with that man,

God would know as God knows
everything, so God wouldn't call him.

If the man thought
that God was calling him,

he'd only be codding himself.

Do you follow me?

You can't cod God.

Now, father's occupation?

(Conchita) Ah, will you look at that?

(Marietta) What? What is it?

Droppings on the doilies.

Ah, now that's going
beyond the beyonds.

- Something will have to be done.
- I've been thinking about that.

- Yes, Son.
- From the Church's point of view.

Listen to your brother now.

Animals were created to serve man.

- Says who?
- It's in the Bible. Page one.

Go on, Son.

God said,
"Let us make man in our image.

"Let him have dominion over the fish,

"and of the fowl of the air,
the cattle and over all the earth.

"And over every creeping thing
that creepeth over the earth."

Creeping things come last of all,
you see.

So what should we do, Son,
as a Catholic family?

I think we should kill him.

God forgive you! That's rotten.

You're gonna be a priest,
you're called after 12 popes

and you'd kill your da, you shite!

Don't talk that way to a walking
saint who never had a bad thought.

- Except wanting to kill his da!
- He's not me da, he's a rat.

It isn't his fault.
He never intended it.

Don't be so sure.
He'd do it to annoy me.

At the same time, Pius,
bad and all as he is,

I don't think I could kill him.

I only said what's in the Bible.

I say he's our father and we
should treat him like a human being.

He shouldn't be locked in a cage.

We should bring him for walks
to see his friends.

Do you hear the impudence of that?

If you're so fond of your father,

why don't you bring your boyfriend
home to meet him?

The way any natural daughter would.

Now...I hope all that
didn't upset you, Son.

No.

I'll just take your father
out of your way.

(Clears throat) Hiya.

I brought Hubert in
to keep you company.

Thank you, Conchita.

Lovely name, that - Conchita.

I'd say there's Spanish blood.

There is, yeah. Far back.

Yeah, you can tell,
the untamed spirit.

- How's the book?
- It's going well.

I'm after thinking up another title.

My Secret Rat.

Doris Day.

♪ Once I had a secret love

♪ That lived... ♪

Ah, no, you don't like it.

You see, Conchita,
the theme of the book...

is the bravery of a woman
pursued by tragic forces,

standing by her husband,
defying the mockery of the world.

There's no place for secrecy.

You're quite right, Felix.

You have to understand
once the book hits the shops,

you're gonna be plastered
all over the TV,

the radio, the Sunday papers.

Your name will be a household word
in every country in the world.

Look, it's not meself I'm worried
for, Felix, it's the children.

When the world knows
their father is a rat...

It's the price of fame, Conchita.

I couldn't help hearing
the discussion you and Marietta had.

I think Marietta was right.

Bring him out, let him meet
his old mates, take him to the pub.

Could we not wait a bit?
Till the book comes out.

Conchita,
there's no use putting it off.

You know that song you were singing,
My Secret Rat?

Do you remember how it finishes?

I'd have to think.

♪ Now I shout it
from the highest hills

♪ Even told the golden daffodils

♪ At last my heart's
an open door... ♪

(Dogs barking)

♪ "no secret any more ♪

- Pius.
- Yes, ma'am?

Go to the attic and get the bassinet.

Mary, would you look!

- Sacred heart!
- It's the rat man from Kimmage.

Ah, the poor little thing.

Look, there's a rat in a pram.

- Look at it!
- What is his name?

Can he do any tricks?
Missus, can he do any tricks?

Would you open the door, Pius?

- Priests can't be seen in bookies.
- They've been seen in worse. Go on.

Did you ever in your life see such
a collection of dossers, knackers,

gougers and gurriers
all in one place?

Do you see anybody you know, Da?

Is anybody here a friend
of Hubert Flynn's?

Is it really Hubert?

As soon as I seen him,
says I, "I've seen that face before."

- How's it going?
- Anything you fancy at the Curragh?

Excuse me, missus,
would you mind removing yourself

and that dirty animal?

Which dirty animal is that?

Just move yourself
before you empty the place.

The best way to empty this place
is with a bar of soap.

Hubert, we're leaving.

(Man) Good luck, Hubert,
and mind yourself.

Ah, will you look who it is?

Me life on you, Hubert.

- Conchita.
- How are you, Mick?

Heard about your trouble.
ls it himself?

- It is.
- Ah, poor old Hubert.

Sadly missed, you know.

Still, he's not looking too bad.

He's got a healthy coat.
Give him some air, lads.

Er, would he fancy a pint?

I don't think he'd be able for it.

- Ah, really fond of his pint.
- (Men) He was, yes.

Mind you now,
he was never too heavy on it.

Seven or eight pints of an evening
would do him fine.

Are you sure he wouldn't like a sup?

Ah, sure, what harm, Ma?

Ah, go on so.

(Man) There you go, Hubert.

(All chattering)

(Man) Go on, Hubert.

(2nd man) Ah, get it into you now.

You see? He remembers.

You never lose the taste.

- Will you look at that?!
- Get him out! He'll be drownded.

Isn't that desperate?

Oh, we have to get him home
and dry him out.

There you go.
Would he like another sup?

No more now, Mick.
He's not the man he was.

I'd better go and wash me hands.

- Sacred heart.
- What is it?

- Daisy Farrdell.
- Conchita, I heard you were here.

Poor Conchita,
I'm sorry for your trouble.

Oh, God, is that himself?

It is. Tell her nothing.

I'm surprised at your mother,
exploiting the poor creature.

What way is she exploiting him?

Making a show of him. Writing books,
profiting from his misfortune.

If it was me,
I'd protect him from all that.

Give him little delicacies,
talk soft to him,

bring him into bed in the mornings.

It wouldn't be the first time,
would it?

I was just saying, Conchita,
I'd know him anywhere.

Would you really?

I would.
It's the way he works the shoulders.

The shifty eyes,
the drop on the end of his nose.

It could only be Hubert.
As a matter of fact,

I think in many ways he's improved.

He has more hair for a start.

Come here till I see you, Hubert.

- You can see him well enough.
- Let him out, he's with friends.

Take your hand off that rat!

- He's only a rat.
- He might be, but he's my rat!

- (Marietta screams)
- (All clamouring)

(Man) Hey, close the door!

(Women screaming)

♪ Now here's a dance

♪ You should know, hey

♪ Baby, when the lights
are down low, hey

♪ Grab your baby then go, hey

♪ You do the hucklebuck,
do the hucklebuck

♪ If you don't know how to do it
then you're out of luck

♪ Shove your baby in,
twist her all around

♪ Then you start a twisting
and a-moving all around

♪ Wriggle like a snake,
waddle like a duck

♪ That's what you do
when you do the hucklebuck

♪ And now here's

♪ A dance you should know, hey

♪ Baby, when the lights
are down low, hey

♪ Grab your baby then go, hey

♪ A little bit of shake,
a little bit of this

♪ If you don't know how to do it,
ask my little sis... ♪

(Music drowned out)

♪ ..then you start a shaking
and a-moving all around

♪ Wriggle like a snake,
waddle like a duck

♪ That's what you do
when you do the hucklebuck... ♪

Stop that rat!

♪ ..now here's a dance
you should know, hey

♪ Baby, when the lights
are down low, hey

♪ Grab your baby then go, hey

♪ A little bit of this,
a little bit of twist... ♪

(Music fades)

(Conchita) Felix?

Well, there's your hero.
Feast your eyes.

- What happened to him?
- You may well ask!

- He's all brown.
- That's stout. On his good coat.

That won't come out,
you won't shift that.

- The poor thing.
- But how...?

I haven't the strength
to go into it now.

He got out of the cage in Mick's pub

and shot off with meself
and the kids after him.

Me after him! Pius did nothing.
Letting on he wasn't even with us.

- You're very hard on your brother.
- Little shite.

Do you expect a lad
bound for the priesthood

to be seen chasing a drunk rat up
the Quays in full view of the chapel?

- I don't know what way I reared...
- (Phelim) Jesus!

(Phelim) It's all right, Conchita.

(Pius) Ma! Dad, let go of her.

(Phelim) Calm down, Conchita.

(Conchita) Do something! Pius! Pius!

(Phelim) Pius, go easy.

Go easy, Pius.
Will you just stay calm?

(Marietta) You're hurting Da!

Stay calm! Stand back!
Hubert, are you gonna let go?

- He's through to the bone!
- This is no way to behave!

Hubert!

Daddy!

You shouldn't have done that, Da.

You've put yourself in the wrong now.

Thanks, Felix. Oh, God, me thumb!

You'll want to go to the doctor,
Conchita, and get the jab.

I will, I will, Felix,
when I get my breath.

Marietta, take your father upstairs
and put him in the hot press.

He'd be better in the wardrobe.

- No. I want to make him sweat.
- But he'll be lonely.

Take him before
I do something I might regret.

Come on, Daddy.

Are we going to kill him?

I don't know, Son.

But it's time we settled it
one way or the other.

Tonight, when Matt gets home,
we'll have a family meeting.

This time he's gone too far.

It's only to dry you out, Daddy.

Look, I'll leave the door open,
in case it gets too warm, OK?

(Clears throat) Nice evening.

Was that your father?

No, that was me Uncle Matt.

Me father's smaller.

Why will you not ask me in, Marietta?

Because we're having
a family meeting.

It's to decide me dad's future.

You see, he's very fain, me da.
He's gone away to nothing.

Why are you having a meeting?

- Because he bit me mother.
- Oh.

Is he in the habit of biting her?

Oh, no.
It was just an isolated incident.

I suppose I'll meet him soon enough.

- Why do you say that?
- Well, at the wedding...

Won't he be there to give you away?

(Conchita) Where's Marietta?

I'm here.

All sit down and we'll get started.

This meeting is to decide
what's to be done with Hubert

following his unprovoked attack.

Everybody will get a chance to speak
and as the youngest, Pius will start.

- Fourth Commandment...
- Listen now, this will be good.

...tells us to honour
our father and our mother.

- And I always did.
- You did, Son.

But, on account of me father,
I can no longer fulfil my vocation.

- Why?
- No, Matt, Pius has the floor.

Sorry, Conchita,

but where does it say a man can't be
a priest cos his father's a rat?

It doesn't say it in so many words.

Now that me father's turned
his back on his family...

(Matt) I must take issue,
just because Hubert is now a rat,

doesn't mean that he is not
devoted to his family.

It's a well-known fact
that just as we humans

will be faithful to our loved ones,

so the parent rat will be
prepared to lay down his life

for his nearest and dearest.

(Conchita) just tell us, Pius,
like a good boy,

what do you think
we should do with your father?

I think we should
put him in the Aga.

- Do you hear that, Marietta?
- What?

Your brother wants to put him
in the Aga.

I don't know. I'm confused.

I love Daddy, but I have to think
of me future with Rudolph.

- The geneticals?
- Yeah.

It's bad enough to be expecting, but
to not know what you're expecting.

Not that I am expecting,
but if I was.

If it was really Daddy, but it isn't.
It's only a scabby rat.

You want to put him in the Aga?

No. I wouldn't want him to suffer.

I thought maybe something
mild and painless in his food.

Ah, Daddy, don't be looking at me.

Do you see him looking at me?
I didn't mean it.

I vote we leave him as he is.

That's one for and one against.
Your turn, Felix.

Mm, well...naturally,

my chief interest
has to be the book.

And the theme of it is how the family
remain true in the face of adversity,

loyal to the head of the family,
even though he's a rat.

It's hard to reconcile
that and the Aga.

Also, once the book comes out, we'll
want Hubert to do signing sessions.

- To sign the book?
- He'll do it with his foot.

- There'll be other appearances too.
- The Late Late Show.

Wildlife On One.
So, you see, we will need him.

However, when you've seen one rat,
you've seem them all.

(Conchita)
What are you saying, Felix?

I'm saying that one white rat's
very much the same as another.

I was down this morning
at Reilly's Rat Shop

and I was shown a fine range
of white rats at £2 a head.

- That's very reasonable.
- Or three for a fiver.

- But it wouldn't be Daddy.
- No. But who would know?

And they would only be
for emergency.

- They'd be on the bench.
- What'd we do with Hubert?

Keep him. Whatever he may have
sunk to, Pius, he is your father.

And as the poet says, "You'll never
miss your father till he's gone."

Oh, that was beautiful, Felix.

Thank you, Conchita.

Even after all he's done to me,
I don't think I could kill him.

You're the wise one, Matt.
Tell us what to do.

Well, for a start,
I'd rule out the Aga.

It's very hard to shift the smell
of burnt rat in the kitchen.

But we can't keep him round the house

in the capacity of an Au pair rat
biting all and sundry,

spreading disease and droppings.

No, the solution I propose is that
Hubert should be taken out somewhere

where he can be placed
among his own kind

to live out the rest of his days
in peace among his furry friends.

And when death comes, as it does
to us all, he'll either:

number one, turn back into a man and
we'll go for the widow's pension...

number two, he stays a rat
and no remarks need be passed...

or if number three, if he returns
to human form before he passes on,

he can get the bus home.

We could leave a suit
with the bus fare in the pocket.

Good, Felix. Then, if there's no sign
of him after 12 months,

we'll go back to where we left him.

After all, there's no use
being at the loss of the suit.

- Have you thought of a place?
- I have.

(Phelim) Did you have to ask?
Doesn't he think of everything?

(Matt) A man I know, name
of Mulligan, has a premises here...

on the far side of Dunlavin.

Holy God, Matt.
That's a wicked smell.

It's a very pungent odour for us,

but to a rat,
it's like all the perfumes of Arabia.

It's your new home, Hubert.

(Marietta) You can't do it! You can't
leave Da in a maggot factory.

Marietta, think about it
from a rat's point of view,

surrounded by rotten meat
and maggots.

To the rat, it's like holiday camp.

Why did we have to come at night?

If they see us bringing rats to
a maggot factory, we'd be locked up.

Now...where will we put him, Matt?

Oh, wait.

In case we come back.
You know, so we'll know him.

Hubert...

who'd have thought it would
ever end like this, hmm?

I'm sorry you have to go,
but you brought it on yourself.

Matt's leaving the brown suit

and the thermal underpants
up by the wall.

And the bus fare's
in the inside pocket.

Now, I want you to know...

if you should come to your senses,
you'll always be welcome home.

And Mr Mooney says the job
will always be waiting.

Conchita.

Have you anything to say?

In that case...

- Good luck, Hubert.
- God bless now.

(Thud)

Goodbye, Daddy.

(Conchita) Marietta.

♪ You'll never know

♪ just how much

♪ I miss you

♪ You'll never know

♪ just how much

♪ I care

♪ And if I tried

♪ I still couldn't hide... ♪

I'm after thinking up another title.

Yeah?

♪ He was only a rat in a gilded cage

♪ A beautiful sight to see

♪ He may have looked happy
and free from care

♪ He was not what
he seemed to be... ♪

Very good. Rat In A Gilded Cage.
I'll write that down.

♪ It's sad when you think
of a wasted life

♪ Cut off at an early age

♪ His beauty was sold
for a pot of gold

♪ just a rat in a gilded cage ♪

It's snowing again.

I think of little Hubert
sitting in the maggot factory,

not a stitch on him,
the snow falling.

They do say if a budgie escapes,
the wild birds will kill him.

The wild ones don't like the budgies
- jealous of the budgie's beauty.

The beauty of the budgie
has nothing to do with it.

That's what will happen to Hubert.

The wild rats will eat him like
the wild birds eat the budgies.

There's no comparison
between a budgie and a rat.

The budgie, Melopsittacus undulatus,

is a small, defenceless bird
of Australian origin.

The rat is well able to fight
his corner.

The rat's a horse of
a different colour than the budgie.

He could be dead already.

Picked clean by the crows.

You hear what
they're singing, Felix?

♪ Page and monarch forth they went

♪ Forth they went together

♪ Through the rude Wind's wild lament

♪ And the bitter weather... ♪

Would you go and look for him?

There's no point, Conchita.

If he's alive,
he's better where he is.

And if he is dead,
we can do nothing for him.

We can give him a Christian burial.

With a little headstone,

"Here lies Hubert Flynn...

"ate by rats."

Oh, Mammy, stop!

Shh! Listen.

The door!

It's just the carol singers.

No!

(Faint scratching)

(Dog barks)

Mickey!

- It's Daddy!
- What?

(Conchita) I don't believe it!

And look at the dirt on those feet!
Where were you?

You know where he was.

What state is that
to be coming home in?

Look, he brought a friend.

I don't know why you're surprised.
He was always the same.

Bringing home bowsies from the pub,
expecting me to put up a feed.

Tell your friend to shift out of here
or I'll be shifting him.

It appears to me
from the colour and confirmation,

that it's not of the genus
Rattus norvegicus...

- Who cares what sort of rat...
- But is,

a large specimen
of the black rat, Rattus rattus,

which is,
a carrier of the bubonical plague.

- (Conchita) Jesus!
- Marietta, fetch the oven glove.

(Conchita) Careful now, Matt.

- Felix, the window.
- I got it, Matt.

Please, God,
he'll go into Daisy Farrdell.

I don't know
where we'd be without you, Matt.

God knows we've had enough misfortune
without the bubonical plague.

- Where are you going?
- To get Rudolph.

I'm bringing him home to meet Daddy.
I should have done it ages ago.

Imagine the little size of him,

settin' off on a journey 40 miles
over the mountains and valleys,

to be with his loved ones
for Christmas,

through thunder and lightning,
wind and snow, on his little legs.

We should be proud of him.

HE'S gone!

He's left us!

Stand back, please.

He came home to die.

The rat is not particular
where he dies.

The animal you have in mind
is the elephant...

Forget the elephant,
what about Hubert?

There is a faint,
but discernible pulse.

What'll we do?

One method
is mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

But the danger in trying
to resuscitate the rat this way

is that he might wake up and bite
you, thus passing on the bubonicals.

Felix, get the doctor.
Pius, the priest.

- Father Geraldo.
- Why not Father Mick?

Father Geraldo.

Father Mick is just as good
at the Last Rites.

- I want more than the Last Rites.
- What more can you get?

Father Geraldo cast the devil
out of the house in Sallynoggin,

I want him to cast the devil
out of your father.

Cos bad and all as he is,

I'd hate to send him
before his maker as a rat.

Go on now, Son.

I'll have to wash him
for the doctor coming.

We don't want to
be letting ourselves down.

Matt, would you ever
go up to the green chest

and look in Pius' Action Man clothes,
there's a little dressing gown.

Right.
You don't think it'll strain him?

Ah, no. I have him on wool.

Oh.

(Clattering)

Ah, thanks, Matt.

Ah! I think it suits him.

(Door closes, alarm beeps)

Would you mind hurrying up, Father?

I am hurrying "P-

Such a time to go rousting me out
on Christmas Eve. ls he that sick?

I'll be very annoyed with you
if he isn't.

Nothing vexes me more
than to give a man the Last Rites

and then he doesn't die.

- He's more than just sick, Father.
- What was that?

He might need to
be exercised as well.

God bless us and save us.

Do you mean he's possessed
by the devil?

Isn't it true, Father, that the devil
takes different shapes?

Oh, by God, he does.

Then maybe he's possessed
by the devil.

Well, I wish you'd given me
a bit more notice.

I'm not fit, you see.

When you're up against the devil,
you have to be at your peak.

Could you hurry up, Father?

I am hurrying.
Don't be annoying me.

I'm worried in case he dies
with the devil still in him.

Don't be alarmed about that.

If he dies,
the devil won't hang about.

No devil would be
caught dead in a corpse.

You get that. And that.

You're very good to come out, Doctor.

Perfectly all right, Mrs Flynn.

You'll see a great change in him.

I did warn him what'd happen
if he didn't look after himself.

He'd heed no one, Doctor.
You know yourself.

- There's a rat in the bed.
- I know.

In a camel hair dressing gown.

That's Hubert.

Ah.

Well, Mr Flynn,
if I might just loosen your robe.

Having a quiet Christmas, are we?

Ah, very quiet, Doctor.
just the family.

Mm-hmm. Much the best,
our loved ones around us.

Hmm. All clear there.

Doctor, as a matter of interest,
would you prefer a turkey or a goose?

Goose, I think.

I think the goose is very greasy.

(Matt) You want the grease to line
the stomach. The turkey is too dry.

We're going to have a duck.

(Hissing)

Hmm.

Perhaps a little high.
Nothing alarming.

(Matt) Not much eating on a duck.

I just as soon have a pork chop.

I like a pork chop,
particularly with a kidney in it.

Would you believe
I can't face the kidney?

Now...Mr Flynn.

(Marietta) Mammy?

- Ma?
- What's all the shouting?

Your father's sick in the bed.

- Oh, is he all right?
- He's the same as he was.

If you think that's all right or not
is up to yourself.

Oh, Rudolph, this is Mammy.
Mammy, this is Rudolph.

How do you do? We've heard so much
about you. You're very welcome.

Merry Christmas, Mrs Flynn.
Where was it he bit you then?

- We want to see Daddy.
- Are you sure?

Thanks very much, Doctor.

- Well, thanks again.
- Oh.

I'm afraid he is a little low.

I don't care how low he is, that was
no place to stick your thermometer.

Well, he doesn't have a proper tongue
or an armpit, come to that.

He undertook a journey of 40 miles?

Through ice and snow,
and thunder and rain.

Plucky fellow,
obviously got his feet wet.

And with four feet,
it's twice as dangerous.

Now, the temperature.
It must come down.

Say no more.
Thanks again for coming out.

- Not at all.
- You're very good.

He's very small.

Yeah, well, you see, he's been sick.

Did no one offer you tea?
You must think us peculiar people.

No, you're grand.

Put on the kettle, Marietta,
while I get your father.

- Right.
- What are you doing with him?

I'm putting him in the fridge
to cool him down.

Poor little thing.
Here, let me do it.

- Will I put cling wrap on him?
- Put him in as he is.

His fur is damp. It'll freeze
into little spikes, like a hedgehog.

Just put him in. Next to the rashers.

This way, Father.

God save all here.

- How are you, Father?
- We're grateful to you, Father.

Through ice and snow, thunder and...

Now, this is my gear
for giving out the Last Rites.

And this here is my gear
for driving out devils.

- Now, which do you want first?
- Does it matter, Father?

Woman, do you not know
that the devil never goes quietly?

If I cast the devil out first,
the shock could kill your husband

before I give him the Last Rites.

But if I give him
the Last Rites first,

then the devil gets the Last Rites
too, and he's not entitled to them!

It could cause
terrible trouble later.

What would you advise
yourself, Father?

I suppose we'll go
for the devil first.

Now, where is he?

Where are you, you mongrel worm?

He's in the fridge, Father.

Oh, be the hokey, ma'am,

that's a very dangerous place
to put a devil.

He could make a complete
dog's dinner of your fridge.

As a matter of fact,
he could fuse the whole house.

Now, all stand back
against the wall.

Come on, Marietta. Come on.

- Now, put out the light.
- (Phelim) I'll do it.

If you have rosary beads,
hang on tight to them.

Keep your eyes closed,
because when you put out a devil,

he has this dirty habit of taking
the sight from your eyes.

I'm coming for you, you black devil.

Do you hear me?
Coming for you, you scarlet whore.

I'm coming to cast you out,
you Babylonian bastard!

Back into the festering
stench and mucus

of the deepest pit of hell!

(♪ Carmina Burana)

Brrr! That's a cold one, Father.

Daddy?

I'm very pleased to meet you,
Mr Flynn.

Oh, Jesus.

Hubert Flynn, come back here with
that duck and explain yourself!

What do you mean jumping naked
out of the fridge?

Daddy, you're back!

(Conchita) It wouldn't occur
to you to bring home the suit...

- That was a funny devil.
- That was me father.

You must be chuffed having
him back as well, hey?

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly
fa la la la la, la la la la

♪ Tis the season to be jolly
fa la la la la, la la la la

♪ Don we now our gay apparel
fa la la la la, la la la la... ♪

- Happy Christmas, Da.
- Merry Christmas, love.

What way is your tie?

Er, I'm all thumbs.
A rat don't have thumbs.

It won't be long coming back to you.

No.

Here's your breakfast.
And look, your little red ribbon.

Thanks, love.

What was it like to be a rat, Daddy?

Did you know
what had happened to you?

No, not straight off, no.

The brain of the rat is very small.

- What did you miss most?
- Ah, I missed the fags.

Ah, if I'd only known,

I'd have rolled up fags
and lit them for you.

Thanks. No, there was compensations.

- Like, I could see in the dark.
- Really?

- I knew when it was going to rain.
- Go away.

The only thing I never got used to
was how people looked at you.

Like they were swallowing a lemon.

Do you remember biting Mammy?

I do. Did you ever taste blood?

- No.
- Like Yorkshire Relish.

- (Conchita) Breakfast!
- On you go. I have to shave yet.

It's me first shave
since Hallowe'en.

It's on the table.

Happy Christmas, Conchita.

Felix, you shouldn't... Oh!

- Do youse mind?
- Sit down and have your breakfast.

Pardon me saying it, Felix,
but you're a little bit shook.

- I never closed me eyes.
- Poor old Felix put out of your bed.

- It's Da's bed. He's a right to it.
- He's no right at all.

Driving Felix out to the couch.

It wasn't the couch.
I couldn't sleep

with all the tempestuous thoughts
in me mind.

What tempestuous thoughts?

- About the book.
- The book?

- I thought it was finished.
- It was.

After last night,
it's all changed.

Didn't it give you the climax
any author would want,

with Hubert leaping out
of the fridge?

But who'll believe us?

We write a book about a man
who turns into a rat.

We tell the whole story
and on the eve of publication,

he turns back into a man?

How can we prove
that he was anything else?

Haven't we Father Geraldo
as a witness?

It's well-known
the Father isn't all there.

And he never actually
looked in the fridge.

For all he knew,
we had Da in there all the time.

The doctor! The doctor seen him.

The doctor only seen a rat.

He'd only our word it was Hubert.

I'm afraid Felix has a point.

It appears that Hubert
has returned prematurely.

- Happy Christmas.
- What do you mean, happy Christmas?

Do you not know
you're thwarting us again?

It's not his fault.
Come here, Daddy. Don't mind her.

What was wrong
with the maggot factory?

All the trouble we went to to find
a place a rat would call home.

To think I stopped them
putting you in the Aga.

- I have a plan.
- What plan, Felix?

First of all, we're now
in a highly dangerous situation.

If anybody outside here
gets sight or sound of Hubert,

the book is banjaxed, right?

(All) Right.

So, the sooner we launch the book,
the better.

Are you listening?
We're doing this for you, you know?

And I propose St Valentine's Day.

He was beheaded by Claudius
on April 14th."

Right, St Valentine's Day.
But until then,

Hubert is to be kept
totally incommunicado.

(All) All right, OK.

So, Hubert, you'll be locked
in your room for the next six weeks.

Your meals will be brought in to you
and two bottles of stout a day.

Marietta can take your bets.

You'll need a TV to watch the racing.

- Black and white will do.
- How will he exercise?

He can jump up and down! Pius,
get a hammer and a mouthful of nails.

Go to your room,
fish fingers at 1:00.

Have we no turkey?

We have a duck.
But you can't feed six off a duck,

especially after
the mullocking it took.

- He can have mine.
- No!

He has to learn you can't walk in
off the street demanding duck.

We'll go into the parlour
and open the presents.

- There's nothing for you, Daddy.
- Oh, sure. I've nothing for anybody.

Hubert, go to your room.

Don't mind him, Daddy.

Tell us about the maggot factory.
Was it awful?

No, no. It was sort of like...

an international rat camp.

There was black and brown rats...

singing rats from Mexico...
jumping rats from Borneo...

- Scaly-tailed squirrels.
- Squirrels?

Yeah. Squirrels is rats too.

Were they not all the time fightin'?

No, it's people that fight.

Oh, no, rats is very peaceful.

And like, they do you
a good turn if they can.

And look.

Is that the one that came with you?

- The one Uncle threw in the garden?
- Uh-huh.

Her name's Benazir.

She's a bandicoot rat from Colombo.

I brought her in out of the cold
this morning.

I met her on me first night there.
We hit if off straightaway.

I think I like the black rats
best of all.

- They have a great sense of rhythm.
- She was your friend?

She walked by me side all the way
from Dunlavin to Dublin.

Then waited for me
out there all night.

- There's loyalty.
- (Hammering)

(Conchita) Pius! It's time for Mass.

The little shite!

Conchita, you're looking radiant.

Thanks.

This Felix...
what do you think of him?

I don't know. He spends a lot of time
in the toilet.

I don't trust him.

Mammy does.
He has her under his thumb.

From the asses and the oxen
in that lowly stable,

indeed, from all of God's creatures,

we have much to learn.

Little sister cow,
who gives us her milk.

Little hen,
who gives us her daily eggs.

We have the bugger locked up now
but we can't do it forever.

True, but there are things we can do,
like stage a re-enactment.

- A what?
- (Priest clears throat)

Pairs of socks, clothes pegs,

toothpaste, underpants...

- Go on, Felix.
- We put another rat in the fridge,

and get Father Geraldo
to do his trick.

Put a false back in the fridge,
a hole in the wall for Hubert.

He changes places with the rat
and leaps out when required.

You're a genius!

During Hubert's incarceration,
we'll need a supply of rats.

So, I suggest we visit
Reilly's Rat Shop tomorrow.

What would we do without you, Felix?

Let us all join our voices,

all of us except
that ignorant crowd of shaggers

carrying on
and canoodling down the back.

Don't make me have to go down to you.
Because if I hit you,

you'll die bouncing!

So, let us stand and join our voices

in the carol,
Love Came Down At Christmas.

(Organ starts)

(Phelim) There it is.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye now.

Good morning, Mr Reilly.

- Mr Reilly, is it?
- Mmm.

- We want a pair of white rats.
- To breed, is it?

No, we have a little one at home
and he does be lonely.

Ah, very sociable creatures, rats.
We've a good stock at the moment.

Always the same on Stephen's Day -
unwanted gifts.

- Really?
- Ah, yes.

There's nothing as sad
as an abandoned rat.

A plum pudding is for Christmas,
but a rat is for life.

(Knocking)

I need to go to the toilet.

(Hubert) Hello! Can anybody hear me?

Please!

I need to go to the toilet.

(Knocking continues)

Would you give over?

I need to go to the toilet.

Can you not hold it in
like any normal man?

No, I can't.

Now, hurry up.

- Not a peep out of you now.
- (Knock at door)

Oh, Jesus! Matt, put one rat
in the cage and hide the other one.

- Well?
- Where is he?

- If you mean Hu...
- Where are you hiding him?

How dare you intrude on our grief!

Didn't I hear him with me own ears?

Shouting in agony,
probably chained up.

If you don't produce him
this instant,

- I'll have you charged with cruelty.
- Right.

You want to see Hubert,
I'll show you Hubert.

Felix, this lady wants to see Hubert.

No sweat.

That is not Hubert.

- Hubert has a drip on his nose.
- He hasn't always got a drip.

I heard him shouting for the toilet.

If that's not cruelty,
I don't know what is.

If it's cruel treatment you want,
I'll give it to you!

(Arguing continues)

I'm not letting you away with it.
I'll be back.

Go on, you wagon, yer.

Didn't I tell you not
to leave your father?

- He was asleep.
- You have us destroyed now.

- Are you finished?
- Yeah.

Do you see the row
you're after causing now?

- He can't stay here.
- Who can't?

Your father has to go. Daisy'll blow
the whole thing wide open.

We should've put him in the Aga.
He's too big now.

We could hide him in the bread van?

- No, we'd be seen taking his grub.
- Send him to the Canaries!

Half Kimmage will be there now!

- He's grown very dishonest.
- I don't believe this!

You don't care about Daddy. I can
understand Pius, he's a little shite.

But you, Mammy, and Uncle Matt.

All you think about is that book.
You never think of poor Daddy!

I know you're fond of your father,
but think this through.

When the book comes out,
he'll be famous.

- Films, documentaries...
- Meetings in the Vatican.

If we want that, we'll have to send
him away until the book comes out.

(Conchita) Where will we send him?

Let's commit him to a lunatic asylum.

- Now you're talking!
- (Marietta) No!

That's the best idea. I'll tell him.

Uncle Matt, don't let her!

Just until the book comes out.
Felix has it all planned.

Why do we do what Felix says?
He's got Mammy's head turned.

- Now he wants to put Da in a home!
- He's far better off in a home.

You must appreciate
that turning into a rat

causes contraction of muscles and
blockage of the neuroleptical tubes.

What Hubert needs is a period
of rest in a little padded room.

He needs the love of his family.
That's what he's going to get.

Marietta!

(Knocking)

What now?

- (Knocking continues)
- Yeah, coming.

Is this the home of Conchita Flynn?

- We've had a complaint...
- (Door closes)

"that Hubert Flynn
is being imprisoned

against his will in contravention
of section 15, subsection one of...

(Marietta screams)

What's happened?

- He's gone!
- He's done it again.

- He's done it again.
- (Marietta screams)

- The geraniums.
- What?

Droppings.

Marietta,
will you try and control yourself?

- It's a letter.
- Let's see.

- It's addressed to me.
- Read it, love.

"My dear daughter,

"all day long
I've had this strange feeling,

"the same feeling I had before

"the day I became a rat.

"Any minute now,
I could be a rat again..."

(Hubert) '..put a few things
on paper while I have me thumbs.'

- Why are you talking funny?
- I'm doing Daddy's voice.

(Hubert) 'It's a mystery how
it happened the first time.

'There was full moon that night.
Maybe it was that.

'I was bit by a rat once in a bakery.
That could have done it.

'Anyway, by the time you read this,
I'll be on my way back to Dunlavin.

'You're not to worry about me
in the maggot factory because,

'as Matt says, "It has everything
a rat could desire."

'I... I can feel me back arching now.

'Me legs and arms shrinking...

'and the weight coming forward
into me head and shoulders,

'bearing me down towards the ground.

'I have just time...

'to wish you, Marietta,

'and your poor mother...a loving...'

And then look,
it's just a wavy line.

- May I examine this?
- Where's Conchita?

- She must've gone after him.
- (Barking)

- (Marietta) Look!
- After him! Don't let him get away.

- (Marietta) Where did he go?
- He's gone outside.

Split up.

If you see him,
throw your coat over him.

This is Sergeant Black
reporting back,

Mick, would you look up the number
of the Dunlavin Garda station?

Come on, Mickey.

Uh, Miss Flynn...would you have
a recent photograph of your father?

Yeah.

Are you there, Hubert?

This is Sergeant Black, Kimmage.
Oh, how are you, Pascal?

I want you to be on the lookout
for a Hubert Flynn,

53-year-old white male, believed
to be heading your direction.

Description...

short, nervous disposition...

whiskers.

Come to me, Daddy.

I won't harm you.

(Marietta)
Look! He's found something.

Mr Flynn, if you come out,

I've got a nice bit
of cheese for you.

Hubert, if you're in there, come out.

You'll get your death.

It's a bit of a wild goose chase,
Felix.

Hello, this is Sergeant Black.
We're coming back.

- No sign?
- Not even Mam or Da.

- Nothing. He's long gone.
- Look here!

Is this what you're looking for?

- Hand over that rat.
- You can have him.

Because I don't believe
it's him at all.

- You're a wicked old wagon.
- Don't sink to her level.

I think you still
have him locked up...or worse.

(Car starts)

Did you look under
the floorboards, Sergeant?

This time it's the fiery furnace.

Uncle Matt, don't let him.

(Matt) We have to discuss this.

The crime of patricide,
or ratricide, is serious.

Will you hand him over?

No! He came back here cos he trusted
us, now you wanna put him in the Aga.

- No!
- (All clamouring)

Marietta, there's times in life
when you have to be cruel to be...

(Screams) Right, you little bollocks.

- (Marietta) What are you doing?
- Nobody bites me and lives.

Stop, Daddy!

(Phelim) Say goodbye to him.
(Pius) Go on! Do it!

(Matt) Can we have a bit of decorum?

Stop!

Daddy? ls it you?

Yes, love.

So, if you're you...who's that?

That's your mother.

(All) What?

(Squeaking)

Put my sister down.

Give me her.
Why did it happen to her?

Remember when
I bit her on the thumb?

I'd a feeling then, an instinct
you have when you're a rat,

that I was passing
something on to her.

- Isn't that the queer one?!
- The letter that...

I wrote it,
to throw you off the scent.

Put out a few droppings
and hid under the bed,

thinking that when the security
was relaxed, I could slip away.

Where'd you get the droppings?

I found them in the Hoover.

Your mother was shouting, "Come out!
You're going to the asylum!"

I never moved,
just lay there under the bed.

All of a sudden,
the feet stop walking.

The clothes fell down in a heap,

and out of the middle of them,
crawled herself.

(Pius) Poor little Mammy.

(Hubert) Earlier today,
I came across a dossier.

It contains
the typescript of the book.

"This was to be
a heart-warming story.

"The story of a man who became a rat,

"and a family who stood
by him, in love and loyalty.

"Alas, it was not to be.

"The plan of this loving family

"was not to protect this helpless
little creature in their midst,

"but to exploit his tragedy
and sacrifice him

"to their own heartless greed.

"They discussed, endlessly,
how they could be rid of him."

So, what should we do, Son?

I think we should kill him.

- "By poison..."
- Something painless in his food.

- "Drowning..."
- ..nothin' worse than a drowned rat,

close relation or not.

- "By burning him alive..."
- We should put him in the Aga.

"And finally, by leaving him to die

"a lonely and terrifying death
in a maggot factory.

"The greatest act of betrayal
since Julius Iscariot."

And speaking of Julius Iscariot...

- Put you in the Aga.
- Send him to the maggot factory.

- (All talking at once)
- But it was all true.

I'm afraid, like Marietta says,
there was a grain of truth.

This book did something to all of us.

It was very nearly
the ruination of the family.

(Marietta) Good.
(Pius) Nice one, Da.

(Pius) Give him his clips.
(Marietta) Get out.

You think you've seen the last of me?

- Poxy maggot, away with ya.
- One way or another, I'll be back.

- Get him out, Daddy.
- On your bike. Get out of here.

Get on your bike.
Go on! Don't come back.

Don't show your face
in Kimmage again,

if you know what's good for you.

Get a blanket for her cage
and a little hot water bottle.

- Why don't we get Father Geraldo?
- No.

It worked for you, why not for her?

I never believed it was Father
Geraldo who restored me to manhood.

No, I believe I came back
when I served me time

and learnt me lesson.

I also believe
your mother will come back,

and that, like me,
she'll be a better person.

Conchita.

This is my woman.

♪ Different eyes, different size

♪ Different girls every day

♪ Different names, different games

♪ Took my breath dean away... ♪

♪ But I'm changed, rearranged

♪ I'm enlightened and how

♪ You have caught me,
you have taught me

♪ And I'm different now

♪ Take me and break me

♪ And close all
your windows and doors

♪ Cut me off, shut me off

♪ Make me an island, I'm yours

♪ Take me away from the world

♪ Take me away from the girls

♪ Take me and break me
and make me an island, I'm yours

♪ Running round, checking ground

♪ That's the life I have seen

♪ But I'm tired

♪ Uninspired

♪ And I've wiped my slate clean

♪ You are mine, I am yours

♪ If the Lord will allow

♪ You have caught me,
you have taught me

♪ And I'm different now

♪ Take me and break me and close
all your windows and doors

♪ Cut me off, shut me off

♪ Make me an island, I'm yours

♪ Take me away from the world

♪ Take me away from the girls

♪ Take me and break me
and make me an island, I'm yours... ♪

♪ ..take me and break me
and close all your windows and doors

♪ Shut me off, cut me off

♪ Make me an island, I'm yours

♪ Take me away from the world

♪ Take me away from the girls

♪ Take me and break me
and make me an island, I'm yours

♪ Take me and break me
and make me an island, I'm yours

♪ Take me and break me
and make me an island, I'm yours ♪

♪ When God created a woman for me

♪ He must've been in a beautiful mood

♪ To show the world
what a woman could be

♪ When he created a woman like you

♪ He made the sun shine
right out of your eyes

♪ He made the moon
glow all over your head

♪ He put a soft summer breeze
in your sighs

♪ So you could breathe summer
into the air

♪ Ow, me, oh my, you make me sigh

♪ You're such a good-lookin' woman

♪ When people stop and people stare

♪ You know it fills my heart
with pride

♪ You watch their eyes
they're so surprised

♪ They think
you've fallen out of Heaven

♪ And if you listen to what
they're talkin' about

♪ They're talkin' about
who's walkin' about

♪ With an angel at his side

♪ Up there in Heaven
I bet they are mad

♪ I bet somebody will wanna know why

♪ The most incredible angel they had

♪ Was found to be
quite unable to fly

♪ You know what they
had forgotten to do

♪ Up there where they make
all those heavenly things

♪ They made an angel
as lovely as you

♪ But they'd forgotten
to fit you with wings

♪ Ow, me, oh my,
you make me sigh... ♪