Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) - full transcript

On Christmas Eve in Finland, Santa Claus is unearthed in an archaeological dig. Soon after, children start disappearing, leading a boy and his father to capture Santa and, with the help of fellow hunters, they look to sell him back to the corporation that sponsored the dig. And then there's Santa's elves, who are determined to free their leader...


This is what's been worrying me.

Drilling sample number 76,
from 1 300 foot.

See, we've finally
found something else
than just plain rocks and dirt.

Have a look foryourself, sir.

Sawdust. Mmm.

See, at first,
I thought we'd drilled into
some old tree or something.

But no.

This level ofsawdust
is 65 foot thick.

I mean, it doesn't add up.
It doesn't make sense.

It does.

In the olden days,
people used to store ice...

by encasing it in sawdust.

Yeah, but what do you mean?
What are you trying to say?

This mountain
is like a giant icebox.

For storing what?

Drill deeper...
and you will see.

Well, I am.
They're drilling as we speak.

Make sure everyone has
one ofthese.
What are these?

It's the new
safety instructions.

Wash behind the ears.
This is funny shit, si...

Watch your mouth!

It's Christmastime,
so let's act like it.

Someone's coming.

Mr. Greene, I think
we've found something.

Sample number 98.
I thinkyou were right.

Always believe.


Gentlemen, listen up.

My dream since my early childhood...

is about to come true.

I can proudly say...

that we are standing
on a sacred grave.

On the biggest burial mound
in the world.

Someone's buried here.

This remarkable place
puts even the pyramids to shame.

It took the Sami people of Lapland...

centuries to build this mountain.

You have 24 days to open it.

Roll up your sleeves.

Prepare the dynamite.

- Do what you do best.
- They're going to blow it up.

You have a grave to rob.


Juuso, wait!


I think Santa is buried up there.

Juuso, is Santa Claus dead?

What a baby.
You still believe in Santa?

Come on.

They've been lying to us.
To you.

Who was the Santa
who came to our house then?

Mr. Piiparinen.
Haven't you figured
that out yet?

Do you think Dad knows?

Your dad pays him for it.

Don't you get it?
This whole Christmas thing
isjust a bluff.




Santa walking barefoot in the snow.

Ancient Santa by his cauldron.



Wake up, Son!

Pietari! Are you awake?

Yeah, yeah!
Then go and get cleaned up!

Vuppe, bad boy.
You were supposed to
keep watch.


Come here, Dad!

Come inside
ifyou have something to say.

I don't want to.

You shouldn't
be out there alone.

Really, I've got something
important to tell you.

Really, the wolves
will gobble you up.

And I'm not kidding.

Dad, I'm coming in now.

Close your eyes, Son.
Daddy's working.

You shouldn't have
turned the lights off.

Who'd ever look at them
at night?

- Have you been on the roof?
- What?

Outside my window?

I'm too busy to
answer stupid questions.

- Have you or haven't you?
- No, I haven't.

Maybe the chimney sweep...

Go and get dressed!
We're leaving soon.

Where to?

Don't you rememberwhat day it is?

Yeah, the round-up.
You're taking me along?

I thought you'd
be dressed by now.

He's spying on us.

This is yours now.

Is it loaded?

Ofcourse, or it'd be useless.
And take those goggles off.

Have you got a light?

Where's your dad?

They had to take
the snowmobiles.

Piiparinen couldn't
get the chopper started.

Keep away from the fence!
Three, two, one!


You really think
you can use that?
Ofcourse I can.

You gonna shoot Santa Claus?
He was outside
my window last night.

I thought you said he was dead.

Electric fence.
How do you like it?


The explosions in the mountain
have sent the wolves on the prowl.

they're digging up there?

Just samples, I guess.


They're coming!

Dad, Dad!

They're coming!

Our freezers will soon
be brimming with meat.

Open the gate.

Out ofthe way!

Come on!

Get in here, now!
What's keeping you?

Two skinny runts.

Something's wrong.

Maybe the others got lost.

No, they didn't.

Merry Christmas.

You stay here.

Me, too?
Keep an eye on Pietari.

What kind ofwolves
would do this?

Big and nasty ones.
Come and take a look.

Those morons
and their blasting!

Now we have to deal with
Russian wolves as well!

They found the hole.

This was cut with pliers.

This is our fault.

Ifyou go crying to your dad,
I'll give you a flogging.

We were never
anywhere near the gate.

We should shoot that lot of idiots.

They've probably gone by now.
It's been quiet for days.

If it wasn't for that border,
I'd make minced meat ofthem.

We have insurance, right?
No, we bloody well don't.

433 carcasses.

how much is that worth?

Around $85,000.

Plus 22% VAT.

All that money's
been rotted away.

He sure was hungry.

What do we do?

We'll pay them a little visit.


The guards have been paid
to shoot anyone who comes near.

Crossing the border
is not a small thing.

Neither is bankruptcy.

Pietari, come on!

This was one hell ofan idea!

These boys left in a hurry.

Come and see!

They found him, Vuppe.

Seismic researchers, my ass!
They've excavated something.

What on earth
did they dig up?

So much for that.

What are you doing?
Aren't you going to open it?


Tape these on your bum.

Are you serious?

How do I look?

Like a kid in a diaper.

You brought me here
just for this?


The real Santa was totally different.
The Coca-Cola Santa isjust a hoax.

These are from some fairy tale.

This isn't.

What is this?
Proofthat some fairy tales
are true.

What am I looking at here?

The real Santa Claus.
He tears naughty kids to pieces.

Not even their skeletons are left.

How did he end up there?

The Sami people got angry
and lured him onto the ice.

The ice broke under him.

The lake froze solid
and Santa was trapped.

Come summer,
they dug out the huge ice block...

and buried it under
a sky-high pile of rocks.

And it became
Korvatunturi Mountain?

You're such an idiot.

When did you last get smacked?
When I was little, I guess.

Do you think we should confess?

Listen, you brat.

You have any idea
what your dad will do...

when he hears that those
reindeer died because ofyou?

Are you making gingerbreads?
Are you hungry?


Were you playing hockey?

No, it'sjust this game we play.

Pretty rough game?


These are good.

Just like Mum
used to make them.

I'm glad to hear it.

Dad, what if I didn't exist?

What do you mean?

If I disappeared.

You should disappear...

to your bed. It's late.

Dad, do you think
I've been good?

All good boys are in bed by now.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Merry Christmas, Pietari.

This is Subzero One.

Oh, finally. We've tried
contacting you a thousand times.

Where are you?

We are landing tomorrow.
Is the cargo ready?

We had to cancel
the whole operation.

It's not what you think.
I repeat:

Is the cargo ready?

Cargo? Don't you understand?
It still has a pulse!

Calm down, Mr. Greene.
Just follow the safety instructions.

Fuckyour safety instructions!

What the fuck?


Stay there.
I have to check it.

Do you think this is funny?
I almost got killed.

You are not going skating now!
You're grounded this Christmas.

I have to wee.

Come on, Vuppe. Let's go out.

Dad! Dad!

What is it?
The bait's gone!

Careful now.

Stay there.

Did you hear me?


Some kind of bird.

What is it?


Can I look?

Some bird took the meat.

I want to see it!
There's nothing down there.

Why can't I look then?

Because we haven't
even had breakfast yet.

Is this really all we're having?

These are good.

If I eat these, can I go
and look down in the pit then?

Then you'll have some more.

Are you angry with me?


Wait here.

Did you hear me?

You're grounded.

- Just preparing for my Santa gig.
- Shut up and follow me.

Come on, Vuppe.

He shouldn't have
come snooping around
in people's yards.

Greene, Brian Jonathan.

Born 1 952.

Must be one ofthose nutters
from the mountain.

Not even 60 years old.

What are you going to say?

To who?



You know those wolf pits are illegal.

Darn it, Piiparinen!

Like it or not, you're in this too.

- I should—
- Shut up...

and think, ifyou know how.

I have an hour
to my first Santa stop.

Vuppe, stay.

Did you see that?

He's breathing.
Tough old codger.

What is he doing?

He smells something.



You were supposed to
stay inside!

come back here now!

Did Pietari see him?
What do you think?

I have to go.
What do I do with him?

Have a little chat.

The cops!

Pietari, Pietari!

Blast it all.

What's he up to?

- Hiya.
- Hi.

- Why the fancy dress?
- What?

- Is everything in order?
- What do you mean?

What a morning!
I've been all around the village.

Strange stuff going on.

Well, everything's fine here.
Right, Pietari?

Then you're an exception.

You brought
the whole murder squad?

What's the problem here?
My other business.

A couple of hundred
sacks of potatoes,
my whole harvest.

I'm here because ofsome potatoes?

Yes and no.

They only took the sacks.

Holy mackerel.

Almost every house
got their radiators
stolen last night.

Torn offthe walls.

It's going to be one cold Christmas.

My wife's hair dryer was stolen
from the bathroom.

Who'd want an old
piece of rubbish like that?

It's cutting-edge technology
in Russia.

- Pietari, we should be getting home.
- No!

- Where'sJuuso?
- Still sleeping, I guess.

Not so fast.
Let's take a look at your car.


Juuso, wake up!
He's at our place now.


Juuso's been taken!

What the devil is that?
It was in Juuso's bed.

Maybe he's out chasing girls.

When we were your age...

we'd stack up some pillows
and pretend...

He'll be back by nightfall.

- Don't you get it?
- Pietari, that's enough!

Can I go now?
Okay, go.

Aimo, you speak English,

How come?

We need an interpreter.



You old devil.





What do you want me
to translate?
I've got stuffto do.

We've got visitors
from Korvatunturi Mountain.

American visitors.

Now, in you go.

We have to helpJuuso.
Nonsense. Juuso is a big boy.


We can't go back in there.
It's not human.

Not human?
Not human!

The old swine bit me!
Look at that.

I have to see this.
I'm not kidding.

See foryourselves.
There's something
really weird about him.

- Don't you think?
- He's a foreigner.

Go talk to him.

Be careful.

How do you like the land
ofthe northern lights?

I'm not going there alone.


Cover me.

He's harmless.

Wake up, Grandpa!

We need money.

Sorry to disturb you
on Christmas Eve,
but is Hemppa in?

Oh, he isn't.

Okay. Thanks anyway.

No, I haven't seen him.

Merry Christmas. Bye.

Give me the broom.

Where are your friends?

Ask him what
they were digging up.

What did you dig
inside the mountain?

He's acting deaf. An old trick.

Tell him we'll keep him here
until someone pays up.

You mean as a hostage?

- Tell him!
- We keep you here till somebody pay.

You're making him angry.
He doesn't understand you.

This wasjust phase one.

Last chance, asshole.

Rauno here will
ask the next question.

And he don't speak English.

What was that?

- Dad!
- What does he want now?

Dad, I have to talk to you!

I'm just doing
a littlejob with Piiparinen.
What is it?

You need to smack me.

I deserve to be smacked.

Fifteen good lashes should do.

What's the matter with you?

I've been naughty.

What have you done?

Juuso and I went up to the mountain,

and we made that hole in the fence.

You did what?

I'm the only one left, Dad.

All the others have been taken.
Juuso, too.

What are you talking about?

All the kids.

Rauno, you have to see this.

Wait here.

He's up to something.
And, look.

He bit it in half.

Look at his eyes.

What is he looking at?



Do you know this bloke
from somewhere?

He seems to know you.

He knows all the kids.

Who is he?
Come on, speak up!

He's been spying on us.

What do you mean?
Tell me!

He's Santa Claus.

He's come to get me.
They dug him up
from the mountain.

A character from a fairy tale.

I knew there was
something fishy going on.

- He's going to attack!
- Daddy, don't let him take me!

On the ground!
Tell him in English!

Down! Down boy!

Go down!

He has his own language.

He's not afraid ofyou.
He sure is.

Tie him up.

No way.

What was that?

Subzero One.
Do you read me?

It's coming from thatjacket.


Mr. Greene?
Is everything okay?

We are landing in 30 minutes.

What did he say?
They want him back.

Mr. Greene?
Is Santa ready to fly?

Don't they?
What are you doing?


This is Rauno.

Rauno from Finland.

We have Santa Claus.

Who is this?

Where is Mr. Greene?

Tell him we have Santa
for sale.

How much are you
going to ask for him?

Enough to cover the debt.
At least.

Maybe we should think it over.
Are you scared?

We're giving him up too easily.

Just think what he could be worth.

The original,
real Santa Claus.

Someone is going to
get rich with him.

That's the plan.

Stay here, we won't be long.

My wife's hair dryer!
What the hell...

Put that hair dryer away.
Keep cool.

What a midget.

Who are you?
Where are my men?

Say something.

Yeah, yeah. We are men.
Let's do business.

Business? What kind of business?

What do you want?

How much do we want?


At least a million.
Shut up.

Hey. Where is the cargo?

The last door.

Shh! Put down your weapons
and smile...

as nice as you can.

And move slowly
and do exactly as I say.

What did he say?
We need to keep quiet.

This is not Santa.

It's one ofSanta's little helpers.

What do you mean, a helper?
He says it's an elf!

Enough ofthis rubbish!
Give us the money!

God damn it.

Santa is going to find out
who is naughty or nice.

What's up with him?

Is someone there?

What's that running there?

What on earth is happening here?

They're protecting their master.

Pietari! Pietari!


The elves have built
a nest for Santa.


- Is that...
- Yes.

They're trying to defrost him.

Shh! What was that?

Daddy, help.


They're all here.
And soon they will get smacked.

Juuso, where are you?

Turn offthe heat!

Juuso, say something.

Piiparinen, the door won't hold!

What should I do?

Barricade the door.

Move these there!

Aimo, leave the kid
and come and help us.

Daddy's little boy.

Let's go home, Daddy.
Don't worry,
we'll get home soon.

We are all going to die!




Listen to me!

As long as the kids are here,

the elves won't leave the hangar.

It's either me or Santa.

I suggest Santa.

It's Piiparinen. Pietari, do you read?

I do.

Ready for takeoff.
Copy that.

Why do I have to go in the sack?

Because it's my plan.
Let's go!

Here's one more.

All the kids have to go,
or this won't work.

Daddy, I'm scared.
Piiparinen, the package is ready.

Won't they get cold
out there?
Stay out ofthis.

Don't worry, Dad. I'll be fine.

Ready to go!

You do yourjob, I'll deal with this!

Slow down, we'll wait here.

Piiparinen, look down!

They're following us!
What did I tell you?

Let's turn around, Piiparinen!


- Towards the pens!
- What for?

Pretend they are reindeer!

Reindeer! Stars alive!

That's what we'll do.


Looks like we've been naughty.

Ifyou ever wondered
how Santa can be...

in a zillion places all at once,
nowyou know.

That's the magic ofChristmas.

Piiparinen, the gate's closed!

We need a new plan.

There isn't time!
I'll go and open it!

You're not going anywhere!

I can't land there
to bring you back up.

I'm not coming back.

Pietari, can you hear me?



Tell Dad what I did.


Have a merry Christmas.

And a happy bloody New Year.

How do you like that, elves?

What happened?

The miracle ofChristmas.

Congratulations, Pietari! Congratulations!

You just put the elves out ofa job.

Take the kids home.
It's their bedtime.

Roger. Over and out.

1 98 Santa Clauses.

Juuso, what's that worth?

How much for one?


Around $1 6,800,000.

Plus 22% VAT.

You're quite a man.
So are you.


Nothing in there foryou, fuzz face!