Rare Birds (2001) - full transcript

Dave is down. His wife lives in Washington, D.C.; his restaurant, the Auk, in an out-of-the-way Newfoundland inlet, is a bust; a drink is rarely out of reach. An odd-duck of a neighbor, Phonce, who has found ten kilos of cocaine and wants Dave's help selling it, contrives to keep Dave in town by faking and reporting the sighting of a rare bird. Soon birders descend from everywhere, and the restaurant is a success. Dave is snorting the cocaine and falling for a young visitor who helps him out at the Auk, Phonce is launching his recreational submarine, and various men who don't look like birders are poking about. When the chickens come home to roost, will Dave and Phonse have a Plan B?





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WOMAN: I know you're
there, David, pick up.


Well, then you have to call me.

There are some things
that we have to talk about.

I mean you know that, and I get the
impression that you're avoiding me.

Well, anyway, call me.
We have to deal with this.


I love you, too, Claire.



Judas Priest.

The pressure. (SIGHS)

Anyway, I did manage to clear the
obstruction out of your outlet pipe.

We got a confit de canard
in the oven here, Phonce.

The duck?

Oh, lovely.

You know, since I ate that here

I'd given thought
to raising ducks.

I swear, Dave, that is the best duck
that I've ever eaten in my entire life.


Mmm! Oh, my God!

With grub like that on the menu,

they should be
beating the doors down.


1961, Dave?

Well, now, a little grand
for lunch, don't you think?


the hell.

So, any progress on the...



RSV, Dave.

Yeah. I am very close.

Very close now.

I probably never should have
mentioned to you in the first place.

I mean, it's strictly on a need to
know basis, you know what I mean?

What you don't know won't hurt
you kind of thing, the RSV.

I wouldn't breathe a word,
you know, Phonce.

On my honor.

Dave, if anybody ever comes
down to the restaurant

and they're asking
unusual questions, right,

no matter how insignificant
that might seem to you,

you call me up, all right?


Strange radio traffic on the
scanner last night, Dave.



What scanner?


Phonce, can you slow up a bit?


We're being watched, Dave.

Hold on.



No, heard no shots.

I see no shell casings.

Maybe it's the boys from Pushthrough,
you know, casing my place.

No. If they were gonna knock
you over I would have heard.

I suppose we should be

- concerned.
- Concerned?


I knew it.

It's the Winnebagos.

They're after the RSV.

Help me with this one, Phonce.

Well, obviously
you're involved now.

I am?

Come to dinner tonight.

I'll explain everything.

All right, tonight.

Yeah. I'll go tell Deb
you're coming.

Seven o'clock?

Seven is good.

Oh, and the sister-in-law
is in town.

She's a bookish creature.

Dave, good to have you aboard.

Here, you know, for dinner.

Oh, I should open this up, right?
Let him breathe.

Good idea.

It's quite messy out there.

Yeah. Yeah.

Here you go.


So, you are the famous Dave.

You ever tasted
wine like that, Deb?

It is lovely, Dave.

Phonce is becoming
a regular connoisseur.

DEB: Mmm-hmm.

It's just wine,
they're all the same.

Oh, my, from the girl
from Gull Tickle.

She been off to Montreal, and she knows
all about wine now, doesn't she?

It is just wine after all,

but do you like it?

Deep, penetrating bouquet.

Ripe pinot fruit.

Balanced with some real terroir.

Earthiness, tar, bacon fat.

It's evocative. Recalling hardwood
forests, losing one's cherry

at a price...

- DEB: Alice.
- PHONCE: Don't bite her, Dave boy.

She's saucy by nature.


Seriously, Dave, it's beautiful.

I think it's just about the most
beautiful thing I ever tasted.

So, you are a student


I've applied to
an architecture school.

Waiting to hear.




To the business at hand
and to other matters arising.


We're gonna talk about the RSV.

Of course.


I would like to
show you my shed.


No, no. We're going to
take the tunnel.

A tunnel?

This is something, Phonce.

Yeah, the Americans
built it during the war.

It was convenience originally but now
with the woods crawling with Winnebagos

it is an absolute necessity.

No, I meant...

I meant the lights.

Tsvetkov Illumination System.

Yury Tsvetkov, Dave,
a partner of mine.

A Bulgarian guy,
he defected at Gander in '89.

He boarded with us briefly.

Well, I always reckoned
he headed out for California.

How do they work?

It's a mystery to me.

I'll tell you, Dave.

They actually
break the energy equation.

That's right.

You can light the biggest kind of
a room with a double A battery.

Yeah. Dave.

The strange thing is
you can't read under it.

The words just
float right off the page.


Okay, come on.

Oh, Dave.

- Before we get down to business...

...I'd like to ask your
opinion on something.


You've been around, eh?

What do you mean?

I mean
you're a man of the world.

Spent some time in the big city.

You hung around
with the bohemian crowd.

I suppose.

I don't mean to imply anything.

Not about to suggest you had
any intimate knowledge...

What's the question, Phonce?

Because... (GRUNTS)

I came across this.

I salvaged it,
I guess you could say.

It's an operation
being undertaken at sea.

There are at least 20 more
like this one.


And I was wondering...

...is this cocaine,
Dave, or heroin?

Not that I am a drug addict or
even planning on becoming one.

But... this must be worth
a few dollars, eh?

Christ in heaven.

Then who's been watching you
is the police.

No, no.

I recovered this
over two years ago.


That must be...

Twenty-six pounds.

What do you want me to do?

Well, you tell me what it is, how much
it's worth and where we can unload it.

I mean, have you ever
tried cocaine?

No, no, no, no, never.

Once or twice.

Somebody I knew had some.


For Christ's sake, Phonce, I am no expert.
You can throw it in the bay.

People kill for this stuff.

Well, so, you don't think
it's really cocaine?

I don't know.

I thought you horked
it up your nose.

It's cocaine.

And you do put it up your nose.

So, is it any good?

Oh! Oh.




It's good.
It's good.

May I?

Oh, fill your boots.



What I still don't
understand, Phonce, is

what is an RSV and

why would these Winnebago people

be interested
in this giant sack?

They're unrelated.


They're totally unrelated, Dave.

Dave, Dave.


is my Recreational
Submarine Vehicle.

Or RSV, for short.


The recreational vehicle giant.

I think they mean
to steal my plans.

DAVE: But, Phonce, do you
think there's a market

for Recreational
Submarine Vehicles?

Rose crested grebe, my friend.

Rose crested grebe.

- So?
- Nature, old man.

People are going mental
onto nature.

I mean, get geezers
hiding in blinds all day

to get a snap of some bird that
they're not even gonna eat.

The RSV, once we get
a few windows in,

so people can see
all the little fishies.

Looks a little cramped.

It's a prototype.

It's a two-man.

If you're interested in
joining me on the sea trials?

Oh, I would.

In a heartbeat.

But I doubt I'll be around.


I am going to sell The Auk.

It's not working out.

People aren't coming.

I am going bust.

If there was anything I could do,
you know, any choice I had, Phonce,

- anything at all...
- Dave.

Though I got to say
you're one of the best cooks

that I've ever
come across in my life.

I feel I must observe that there
have been some serious shortcomings

in the marketing department
over at The Auk.

Maybe it is a little too
far off the beaten track.


It's the marketing.

And isolation's got
nothing to do with it.

I mean, that should be
part of the appeal.

Dave, look, look. People will fly
here from halfway across the world

to gawk at a whale or to
take a picture of a gannet.


Dave. Dave, I got an idea.

Go on, go on.
Go ahead, boy.



It's so clear.

Now you promise me you'll
give this a second chance.


All right. Just do this one
thing for me, all right?

Now, I mean, even if you
got to sell The Auk

you'll be in a much better
negotiating position

to be pitching
a goin' concern, right?

Christ, Dave, they'll fleece you

for an empty restaurant, right?

All right, now listen to me.

I got a little plan.


right, we're in position.

MAN 2: Copy that.


To rose crested grebe.

To the call of The Auk.









MAN: Dave.

Dave, old man.


Our little plan.

Hey, boys, look, it's Dave! Where'd
you get the cool car, Dave?

Hey, Dave!



I couldn't help noticing, last night
at dinner you were somehow...

How can I say it?



Affected by...

By Alice.

Alice? In what way?

These women from out there,

from Gull Tickle,

can have a powerful
effect on a man.

I am married, Phonce.

I am.


I am.

Dave, I think I found
what we're looking for.

Campbell's Dodger Bird.


And it's from Vanuatu.

What would a bird from the
South Pacific be doing here?

I suppose blown off course

during its annual migration from
the steamy land of the coconuts.

But that's not the point, Dave.

If you read on, you'll notice
that it is extremely rare.

If it's too wacky,
no one will take it seriously.

Yeah. Perhaps
you're right, Dave.

But still I feel that the bird must
have a certain measure of sex appeal.

Marketing, Dave, marketing.

You poor old auk.

Another candidate then, Phonce?

No, Dave, this is the bird.

"Tasker's Sulphureous Duck.

"Aythya flagitius.

"Range: The Carolina's to the
coastal waters of Newfoundland.

"Distinct from
the common Sulphureous

"by its unusual yellow markings
and white cheek spots."

"Now extremely rare."

"Last spotted by Dr. Hans Speidal
near Fox Bite, Newfoundland"

"in March 1985."

It's spot on, Dave.

It's spot on. Look, look.
Look, it's a diver.

It's a salt water diving duck.

You just report having seen it
on the bay by the restaurant,

and we are in business.

Yes. But I...

You just watch, Dave.

They'll be tramping
all over the place.

You'll be maggedy
with bird watchers.

Look, one fellow will say,
"Did you see that?"

And another fellow'll say, "Yeah,
I think I seen something."

Mass hysteria, Dave.

Psychology of the mob.

All right, my son.

Oh, no.

Phonce. Phonce.


There's a phone booth
down by the baseball diamond.

Now, nobody will see you there.
And it's nice and quiet.

Why can't we make the
phone call from here?

Because we got to cover
our backs.

They probably got some sort of a
call-tracing mechanism down to the CBC.

Just in case
some lunatic calls in.

Says he's planning on
skull fucking the premier.

Come on, Dave,
we're running behind.

Phonce, I have to
use the washroom.

That's just nerves,
Dave, come on.

Oh, no, I think I have to.

No, there's no time!

All right, well, here's the
description of the bird.

Anatomical features
and behavior.

What's it called again?

Perfect, Dave, perfect.

Now, remember, for this to work you
want them to identify the bird.

Your ignorance
is our trump card.

This is not gonna work.

It'll work like a charm.
Now go on. Come on.

The show's about to start.

(OVER RADIO) Hello, everyone!
Buster Bradlen here with Avian Week.

Our guest expert today
is Dr. Jack Tomlinson.

Well, Dr. Tomlinson, that cold snap must've
given our feathered friends a start.

Most regular visitors are
prepared for this kind of thing,

and it was short-lived. There
was probably some kill off.

Nature can be cruel, eh?

Well, I wouldn't characterize...

Our number,

Out-of-town callers
dial 1800-767-bird.

And our first caller
of today is from Cappahayden.

Go ahead, you're on the air.

MAN: Dr. Jack?


I was in the woods the other day,
right, and I saw this woodpecker

and I figured it was an hairy,
but he had a yellow head...

A yellow cap.


Well, there are some rare aberrant,
immature, hairy woodpeckers with the cap.

That would be exciting.

Are you sure
it wasn't three-toed?

I couldn't get
close enough to tell.

I took a shot at him,
that I did.

But I missed.

Well, this might be a good
time to bring something up,

the matter of people shooting at
birds so as to get a closer look.

No. No.

And you know, while we're on

Dr. Tomlinson,

I have often wondered
what species was Woody?

Line 4, go ahead.
You're on the air.

Line 4, you're on the air.

Well, seems we lost that one.

Oh, no. No, I'm here.

I am here on line 4.

All right, go ahead. You're with
Buster Bradlen and Dr. Jack Tomlinson.

I've seen a...

I've seen a strange bird.

A duck, I think.

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Could you offer us
a little more than that?


Well, it's a duck, I think,
as I said.

Very colorful markings.

Yellow markings.

I see. And where did
you see this bird?

And a white tuft.

Yes. And where
did you see it?

Oh! On Push Cove
right by Pushthrough.

Oh, saltwater. Hmm.

That's different.

Isn't that where
that restaurant used to be?

Yeah. I think the
restaurant is still there.

Did you see just the one?


And did it dive for extended
periods or come up near shore?

Dive, I didn't see it dive.

(STUTTERING) It was getting
dark, it was very far away.

Well, it doesn't sound
like anything I know.

Thank you, caller.
All right, line 2...




I was wondering if a rose crested
grebe has been seen since the storm?

- That's a...

Hey, why don't you get
your head out of your ass?

You almost
ran me over, shithead.

GIRL 2: Yeah, freak.

- Huh!
- Get out of here!


GIRL 1: You have to
learn to drive!

- Oh, my God.
- GIRL 2: Idiot!


They saw me for sure.
Oh, my God.


I saw that too, yeah.

She's like no duck
I've ever seen.

Go down below the water and
come back 40 or 50 feet away.


They come up on the beach, too.

Never seen the like.
It was...

It was walking around all confident,
but in a wobbly sort of way.

My God!

We have two listeners
describing what can only be

Tasker's Sulphureous Duck.

Phonce! Phonce!


This changes
the picture completely.

It was thought extinct until there
was a sighting in Fairview...

Extinct? Thought extinct?

...by the noted ornithologist,
Dr. Hans Speidal.


Phonce! Are you home?




Got to hide the car.

I've got to hide it, if those girls
talk, Jesus, and they will, too.

Dave, calm down, man!

I crashed into the telephone booth,
the whole thing obliterated.

- Calm down!
- Those girls, they were watching me.

- Calm down.
- Panicked, I guess.

Dave, it was perfect!

In the end, you come across
as a proper simpleton!


Why is that good?

Well, they would never suspect
a scheme from such an asshole.

Now, you say that some girls saw
you knock over a phone booth.

They'll call the police, they'll
call the phone company.

Were they young girls?

Yeah, yeah.

They'll never say anything.

And everyone would
automatically assume

that they had something to do with
it, and you would just deny it.

I mean, what would you be doing
up to the baseball diamond?

Calling the radio show!

(CHUCKLES) Dave...

Columbo lives in Los Angeles,
which is on television.

Were you always gonna call?

Always have a plan B, Dave.

Always have a contingency.

Phonce, I'm going to
shit something awful!

Go on.
Go to the house, boy.


Hey, Dave!


There's two kinds of people
in the world!

Those whose assholes seize up during a
crisis and those who shit themselves.

Winston Churchill during
the Blitz for instance.

His sphincter locked
with bulldog determination.

They say he never shit during
the entire Battle of Britain.




Are you looking for Phonce? He's
usually up and gone by now.

No, Phonce, no.

I'm just back seeing, you know?

Uh, the other night,

I thought I...
I thought I left my...

Watch, so...



Could... Can I get in
the bathroom now?

Oh! Yeah, of course.

- See you later.
- Yeah.





Can I help you?

I come about the bird.

A bird, madam?

Oh, you've not heard then?

It was on the radio.

There's been quite a remarkable
sighting down off the rocks.

No, well, I've...

I've heard of no bird.

But, uh...

I caution you about the rocks.

It's all so exciting.

The birding community
is going to be very keen.

If it's fine with you,
I've parked in your lot.

The lot is for customers.

I had no idea
you were still open.

Well, perhaps lunch then?

If you have a table.

I'm sure I could squeeze you in.

At 1:00?



Good luck in your quest.

I'm sorry,
I've nothing for lunch.


Tomorrow is fine.

Yes, it's filling up fast.

All right.

All right, good.
All right, see you tomorrow.

You need provisions, don't you?

You should have got 'em
right after the phone call!

I guess.


Give us a list.

- Right-o.
- Phonce.


Jesus Murphy.



I wasn't sure about the haddock.

So I got this
great-looking salmon.

Good, good.

How did this happen?

It's a crazy thing,
a bird, evidently,

some rare specimen
sighted in the area.

What kind of bird?


Rare, Tasker's?

I could hardly say it.
Sulphureous Duck.




WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!

They started arriving.


Dave, Dave.

You're covered in fish slime.

You stay and prep and I'll take
care of the front of house.

Just temporarily.


How do I look?

It's just about the best
thing I ever saw, but...


- Hello.
- WOMAN: Hello.


- Salmon...
- Uh-huh.

...has asked
for a French wine.



The guy there.


I have half bottles of the '88.

Does he want an appetizer?

The, um...
The little, um...

Toast with
the goat cheese and tomatoes.

Coulis of sun dried tomatoes.


I'm gonna have to pay you
to come back tomorrow.

We'll work something out.

I did well on tips.


Shit, I'm tired.

I'll come back tomorrow.

But you run supplies.

Yeah, I'll do that,
I'll take care of it.

And you need one other waitress.

Probably two.

Yes, of course, absolutely.

I got to go to bed, Dave.

Where's your wife?

Phonce said you were married.

She's in Washington DC.

She lives there now.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

Give us a cork here, Dave.


Move my head.

- Ooh!
- Tough guy!


Bette, don't keep
Mr. Purcell waiting.

(SOFTLY) Retarded.

Retarded, retarded, retarded.

Of course, the poor creature hasn't had
a day of work since you laid her off.

She's invaluable.

Isn't that right?

Queer things happening
up your way, Mr. Purcell.

- What do you mean?
- Oh.

People, snooping around
in the night...

With equipment.

Those bird watchers.

Bird watchers.

I don't know now if that's the kind of
thing we want going on around here,

bird watching.

What kind of birds
are they watching, I wonder?

And why?

Oh, I know now they haven't got
a lot of time to be wasting.

And they've probably got the biggest
kind of government jobs, too.

- Thanks.
- Phonce says Murphy, he's in with them.

Yeah. And what happened to his
Romanian friend, Tsvetkov?

- Bulgarian!

Oh, I don't mind foreigners personally.
I don't mind them at all.

But that crowd up to
the university...

I'm ready.
Mr. Purcell,


WOMAN: Madame,
it was a lovely meal.

Thank you.



What's the word?
Happy customers?

Positively giddy, Dave.

Though no sighting
of the rare bird.

Amazing bit of luck for me, eh?


Two lobsters, risotto fungi,
lamb rosette.





I think we're good for wine.

Yeah, you're probably right. I don't
know what I was thinking, eh.

You got company.


Phonce is out there.

Yes, yes, a perfectly
preserved fossil.

Jesus big jaw bone,
it's a raptor of some sort.

Jeez, can cut a man
in half with one bite.

How are we enjoying our dinner?

Oh, simply delightful.

Good, I see you've met
Mr. Alphonse Murphy.

Yes, he's just been telling us
the most extraordinary tale.

Perhaps, Mr. Murphy, we
should speak in the kitchen?


Of course, Mr. Purcell,
of course.



Thank you.

- Excuse us.
- Thank you.

Dinosaur bones, Phonce?


It's a new project.

Very busy now, Phonce, what's up?
What can I do?

I was just wondering if you
had an opportunity to...

Get a price on the cocaine.

I'm really sorry, Phonce, but
I've been swamped, you know?

Not to worry.
Not to worry.

Just curious. There's no
pressure, Dave, no pressure.

And you want to proceed
very carefully.


It's a delicate matter.


If you need the money,
because I could...

No, no, no.

If you need that money,
I could...

Dave, it's fine.

I owe it to you.


You do not owe it to me,
I mean, what are friends for?

I mean,
I expect no less from you.

So, I'm searching.


I'll say it for you,
I'll tell him.

- Talk to you later.
- Have a good night.

- All right, Dave.
- Say hi to Deb.

- I will, yeah.
- Yeah.


The Auk.

WOMAN: Moira tells me
business is booming.


Something about a bird.

Well, thank you, darling,
I'm fine, too.

So, it's a wonderful
opportunity then?

In what way?

Well, we've talked about
it already, for selling.

Yeah, we have.

I don't want to get into it right
now, but I thought you could move on.

No, this is hardly the subject we
should talk about over the telephone.

Well, I don't know.

With my schedule right now...

I'll be back very soon, David.

That sounds like a good Idea.

You know where you can find me.

Let's be civil, David.

I'm being civil.
I meant it.

No, you were being sarcastic.

I mean, it's not like you
come to Washington to see me.

I'll try.

As soon as I find someone to run the
restaurant, I'll be on a plane.

That would be great!

I got to go.


Goodbye, David.





- Table six.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Porcini.
- Yeah.

Asking a lot of questions.

What kind of questions?

How long we've been open?

We always this busy?

Do you have a proper
wine cellar?

Oh, yeah?

They didn't order any wine.

Can you show me?

DAVE: Mmm.

Stop. Stop.
Move in to the side.

Yeah, over there.

MAN: One, two, three.


What's up?

Body in the water.

Up, she comes.

One of those bird watchers,

died looking for a duck.

You takes your chances,
gallivanting around on these rocks.

I dare say her head
was not clear

since it was bouncing off on the
cliff face on the way down.

Sure, yeah.

Coming through.

A woman, she drowned, Phonce.
A birdwatcher, she drowned.

She was looking for the duck and she...
She fell off a cliff.

Hmm, sorry to hear that.

Sorry? Fucking sorry? How about
guilty, we killed that woman?

We're responsible
for that woman's death.

We are not!

She died pursuing a lie
that we fabricated.

We are morally, if not criminally
responsible, we're going to jail!

Probably to hell.

Pull yourself together, boy.

Everybody takes
their chances, Dave.

It was undoubtedly
the woman's time.

I mean, if she hadn't
fallen off the cliff,

she would have been struck by
lightning or choked on a bone.

Perhaps in your restaurant, and that
would be a pickle, wouldn't it?

Oh, Phonce, I'm worried.

We've got to put a stop to this.

Dave, this is just between us.

And we can trust one another.

I'm with you all the way on this, Dave.
And you can count on me.

And I'd like to think
that I can count on you.

Of course.

Good, 'cause we got
sea trials tonight.


Full moon, 0300 hours.

What are you gonna do with that?

We're taking her
down to the water.

You're cracked!

How much does this thing weigh?

1,200 pounds.

It's ultra-light.

Now, we're gonna
wheel her down the hill.

And that's where you come in,
right, you're the brake man.

That thing isn't going anywhere.

Besides, I'm not sure I want to be
party to you drowning yourself.

Dave, I have made
the appropriate calculations.

Now, I'm not asking very much.

You've always been
a very good neighbor

and I need your assistance
on this one night.

After this, you can forget
you ever knew me.

But, Dave, you are the only person
that I can trust at this time.

So, uh...

Is there any movement
on the cocaine?

I, um...

You know, I might have a lead.

- A lead?
- Yeah.

Good. Good.

All right, I'll help you.


A drink then!

Kind of like a christening.

Here, help yourself, Dave.

- There.
- Thank you.

I got a little
present for you, Dave.

I was gonna
give it to you later.



Where there are risks, eh?

It's elemental.

Something to remember
a great friendship by.

Beautiful, Phonce.

It's no simple duck, Dave.

That's Tasker's Sulphureous.

The rarest of birds.

I, uh,

haven't finished
painting it yet.

- Moves pretty well.
- Yeah.

You mind the brake now,

we don't want it getting
away from us on the incline.



Going really quick now.


- Yes, what?
- Phonce!


I can't hold on.

- Phonce!


Come on, Dave.

I'm trying!

PHONCE: Jesus, in the dirt!












Dave! Dave!

Dave, here!

I was shouting for you
to stay ashore.


Thought you were drowning.

Very fucking dangerous, Dave.

We're drifting.

Stand back.

All right.


It's a tight squeeze.




PHONCE: Jesus, Dave.



It's a little bit stuffy in
here, don't you think, Phonce?

That's 'cause
there's no oxygen, Dave.

Oh, is that all?

It's a good sign,
proves she's tight.

Now, just

fire up the engines here.

God damn, Tsvetkov lamps!


Is that fuel low?



These pumps kick in now, Dave old
man, you'll have oxygen aplenty.




Run silent.

Run deep.

Are we underwater now, Phonce?

You're smart, Dave.




Phonce, excuse me, but how do
you know where we're going?

Could be a simple matter
of checking the sonar here.

Goddamn Tsvetkov lamps!

Is that 13 fathoms, is that 13?

No, no!

It's 18 fathoms.

18 fathoms.

Or is that 11?


Thirty fathoms.

Judas priest, that is deep.


What is that, Phonce?


Thirty fathoms.

Must be the upper range of the
hull's pressure tolerance.



All right.

Phonce, I'm having
an anxiety attack.

Not uncommon, Dave.

Prospective submariners
usually goes through

an incredible battery
of psychological tests.

And the last thing you want is
somebody cracking up in the submarine.

Guess, well, I'm saying I'm...

...cracking up.

Oh, no. I mean a full-fledged
nut-out, you know, like...

Like, screaming and yelling,
"Get me out, get me out."


Okay, Dave.

Just one last thing.


Up periscope.

Okay, Dave, now.

Things should start
to get interesting.

Oh, Jesus, Murphy
it's so beautiful.



Wait! Shit!

What? What?

There's three guys
on the community wharf.

They were at the
restaurant last night.

You know who they are, don't ya?

Goddamn Winnebagos.

Here, let me see that.
Here, let me see.

Oh, yeah.

That man is obviously with the
Winnebago corporation.

Industry is
the new frontier of espionage.

All right.

Just gotta open
her up here, Dave.

And get us home.







What's up?

Phonce is having lunch.

That's a look, Dave.


And your wife called.

She was kinda curt with me.

I think she suspects
we're having an affair.

If only.

If only...

She wasn't so suspicious,
you know.


HOST: Today's special guest is noted
ornithologist Dr. Hans Spiedal.

It's the bird man.

DAVE: What?

The bird man is on the radio.

the local birding community

certainly has gotten itself
into a flap

over the sighting of this
Tasker's Sulphureous.


You know, as well as many other
visitors like yourself from abroad,

given your particular part in the
story, you must be very excited.


A Tasker's Sulphureous
has been known to rangers...

That's Spiedal, Hans Spiedal. First
guy to spot the duck in the '80s.

about the sighting.

The terrain, specifically
the shoreline in Push Cove,

is all together too abrupt,
it's too brutal.

Frankly, I'm amazed that humans choose
to settle in that godforsaken place.

I'm afraid someone has made
a mistake.


Well, then.

Well, that's terrible, terrible
to have you travel all this way

on a fool's errand,
all the way from Germany.

What are we talking
airfares here, Doctor?

I'm sure,
I don't know, but, uh...

What does he know?

Everything, Phonce.

He's the most respected ornithologist
in the whole world almost.

Besides... he's right.

(WHISPERING) There is no duck.


Well, still only his opinion.

It's a shame I didn't
put the place on the market

when we were doing
such good business.

Dave, you're throwing in
the towel again.

It's not over yet.

Plan B.

Time for plan B.

I thought we already
employed plan B, Phonce?

Dave, there's no problem.

We go to plan C.

Always have a plan C, Dave.

Run silent, run deep.





Duck's back.

Dougie, did you ever hear
of the Loch Ness monster?


The duck is like
the Loch Ness monster.

Dismissed out of hand
by serious-minded people.

Championed forever,
by a loyal crowd of quacks.

No, boy, here's picture
in the paper.


I'm surprised Buddy
got such a good picture.

He must have
the finest kind of gear.

They'll just keep studying the photo
until they see something wrong.

They'll blow it up sections,
until they see a flaw.

Who? Who's gonna
blow up the photo?

The international bird police?


Everybody wants that bird to be
out there, except you, Dave.

I want it to be there.

Of course, I do,
it's just the real thing.

But, that is not possible,
now, is it, Dave?

The bird is extinct.

Do me a favor
and don't do it again.

Not to worry.

I lost a decoy during
my last pass of the day.



Come here.


I'm ready.

I'll be right there, Bette.


There's something...


I got a call this morning.

A call?

An interview, in
Montreal, for school.

And, you know, I gotta go.

Yes. Yes, of course, you do.

Alice, I...

Yes, certainly, like to
reschedule, I'm sorry.

PHONCE: Lights out
over at my place too.

There's no reason for trouble
with the power lines.

I called light and power,
they're flummoxed.

I'm gonna go and check
the perimeter.

Have any dinner plans?

Why, no.



I'll make something special.

Too romantic?


Iranian caviar, Dave.

You don't like caviar?

It's perfect.

You even have
the mother of pearl spoons.

You're trying to get everything
perfect, aren't you Dave?



I hope I don't get
wound up on the vodka.

Probably good though,
get a little loose.


Oh, laugh, will you?

I can't believe it,
I'm a nervous wreck.

Are you not nervous?

No, Alice, I'm a bag of nerves.

Dave, will we ever
make it to dessert?

Who cares?

Shit, this is wrong.

No, it's not.

No, not us doing this.

I should have jumped
your bones ages ago.

Shit, see, um...

When your wife called...

She's coming here.

As soon as possible,
maybe even tomorrow.

It's supposed to be a surprise.

And it puts you
in a difficult position.

It does.

But, Alice,
my thought is that...

I should make matters worse.

I should work toward
an emotional catastrophe.

I'm ready for it.



- Oh, they'll go away.
- Yeah.


He's not going anywhere.

MAN: Hello!

His car has been stolen.

You're kidding me.

MAN: You don't expect that
kind of thing around here.

Can I use your phone?
I gotta call my wife.

It's on the bar.

Taking it very well.

Ah, there it hardly seems
to matter.

I have seen the duck, you see.

The duck?


Just off the beach.

If it hadn't gotten dark, I
think, I would have got a snap.

It is so peaceful out there.

This phone isn't working.


MAN: Hello?


There is no duck.

I'm not terribly
surprised, Dave.

But there is regrettably
a decoy.

Just watch this guy
for 15 minutes, please?

I'm gonna take care
of this right now.

(WHISPERING) Fuck the damn duck.

Fucking, I'm gonna
blow their brains.


What the fuck are you
doing here, Jack?

You have a gun?

Please, please, please.




Is it harrier?

Is it harrier orange?

I don't know the response.

You move.
Move over here.


Be still.
Be still, right there.

Come on, run in the night.

Rise up the hill!
Up the hill!

Go on, you, go on!

Go on!

Standing around in...

Have a heart attack! Who do
you think you are anyway?


Come on.
Come here.

Oh, excellent, Dave!

A hostage.

I found him, in the bushes
behind The Auk.

He had a gun.

Let's just call the cops.

There's no phone, I'll keep him.

Go on, get here!

Go on, get here!
Sit down!

You surprise me, Dave.

I didn't think
you had it in you.

Well, you know...


No, he doesn't know
what that means.

How many of you are there?



You mean
to tell me laddie-o,

(SHOUTING) that there are 15
more of you fuckers out there?




Who are you with, son?

I'm with the R.C.B.


What in the Christ do they want?

The RSV.
It makes perfect sense.

You after the RSV, huh?

Please! Please!

They want the lights, okay?

All I know is the lights.
Don't shoot me.


DAVE: No one
is going to shoot you.

I was never really considering
shooting the fellow.

But as you can see, he's
a lot more cooperative

when he imagines
it's in the cards.

I want no part terrorizing in this guy.
I've got no stomach for that.

Perhaps I should remind you, that you
were the one who took the hostage.

Can't you just give
him the lights?

They are nof mine to give,
are they?

It will be like
a surrender, Dave.

This is no time for heroics!

It is now, Dave.

It's as good a time as any.

Why not?
Just once.

Come on, Dave.

Okay, look, you're gonna
have to stall, all right?



Well, the first thought would be to fire the
occasional round into the bushes, right?

Send a few over their heads,
keep them pinned down.

No, I didn't think so.

Well, I guess, you'll
have to talk to 'em then.

What you gonna do?

Always have a plan B, Phonce.

Dave, old man,
that surely is the truth.


I'm really sorry about this.

Fuck you.

Mr. Purcell, Mr. Murphy!

We know you're in there.

Now we're gonna
settle with you, arsehole!

You're holding one of my men
against his will.

You're not gonna settle
anything with anybody,

I'm about to shoot you
in a moment.

Mr. Purcell.

I know you're a reasonable man.

That's not true.

Get him out of here.

Constable, hold back!


I guess you guys don't have a lot
of opportunities like this one.

Speak to him, speak to him.

Right there.

Uh, David.



(SHOUTING) Claire?

Just do what he says
and no one will get hurt.

She's right.

We know about the cocaine.

We know about the bird.

We'll forget that, just give
us the Tsvetkov lights.

That seems reasonable,
don't you think?

I'm coming down,
I wanna speak to you.

Stop right there.
Stay right there.

I'm coming out.


We hope to keep you
out of it Mr. Purcell.

We don't blame you
for any of it.

Any of what?

Stealing the design
for the lights.

Phonce didn't steal anything,

he was partners with
Tsvetkov, Tsvetkov took off.

Just give me the lights.

What's so important
about the lights?

I don't know.
They didn't tell me.


The other guy is gone.

The other one took off.

Fuck, sorry!

MAN: All right, go, go!
Get in there! Get in there.

Somebody untie that guy.

Where is your friend?
Where are the lights?


David, I want a divorce.



What the fuck was that?

MAN: Go, go, go, go, go!





Fuck me!


Plan B, Dave.

Anything yet?

They won't find lights here.

So, Alice is off.

I'm just going up now.

Oh, yeah.

Say goodbye?

I'll see you soon.

I'll be up.

Find someone to mind the
restaurant, I'll be on a plane.



Finish the cod with truffle oil.

Just need someone
to help trim the...

It's not that complicated.

Just need someone to help

run the restaurant.

I'll be...

I'll be on a plane.


I'm ready,

Mr. Purcell.

MAN: Say it when you're ready.


Subtitles: mitbrille