Rapportpigen (1974) - full transcript

Cover Girl

I think we are done for today.

You can get your money at the register.

See you.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

Your job is too easy.
There goes my profits.

Hi honey.

Did you miss me?

Did you miss me?

Do you like me?

Hello. This is Soren. I have an
idea for the lyrics. How about this:



Two lovers -

may harm each other

- much more than an enemy
may harm his brother.

And two lovers... can't it wait!

I'm sorry. It was just Vivi.

Two lovers can heal a
wound no matter how severe.

- just by gazing at each other
all their problems disappear.

Of course it's Stubbenberg.

There's nothing wrong with Stubbenberg.

I was thinking something
like that. Just listen.

Two lovers -

may harm each other

Harm, yes.

much more than an enemy...



...may harm his brother.

Brother, yes.

Two lovers can heal a
wound no matter how severe.

Hmm.

Just by gazing at each other... Hello?

- Now, why are you doing that for?
- Just gaze away.

- What a bore.
- Hmm.

Just think that I was looking
forward coming home the entire day.

Sorry. We were interrupted.

It's been a long time
since we had a decent steak.

It's been a long time
since you made any money.

You just wait for our
new record to be released.

These days I haven't
got a rag to put on.

- That's your own fault.
- How's that?

- You could just earn some more?
- How?

I already told you.

Don't start with that again.

I didn't start this.

I'm not doing it.

- You are being foolish.
- Is that a fact?

As long as I don't see any
problems, I don't see why not.

I don't know.

- I'm calling Gunnar. I'll let
him know you'll be in tomorrow.

No you're not.

Everybody is doing it. You are 20
times as pretty as any of those girls -

and Gunnar adores you.

So why not?

- What is that noise?
- They print magazines below us.

It's great that you finally decided
on doing this. Look at me, please.

Don't look like you're
at your own funeral.

Exactly, that's more like it.

Bigger eyes, please. That's it.

In some ways it's almost touching,
that they desire us this much.

I'm at least 10 pounds
overweight, but Soren likes it.

That prick. It's a mystery
why I still put up with him.

He's not even a good lay.

Or at least not always.

Sonja's boyfriend would've committed
murder to take nude pictures of me.

He told me so himself.

He wanted to go to bed
with me last christmas.

He says, he guarantees that
I'm good at spreading my legs.

Give me a look. Yes, good,
great. Hold it there, great.

Now let's... why don't you spread
your legs a little farther. Good.

We haven't even negotiated
a prize. 1000 DKK?

That's much easier money
than working at the brewery.

In a way.

Most likely they fantasize about
me. Imagining how I like to be dirty.

That's the point, I guess.

If I get 1000 DKK I'll buy a fur coat.

At least Soren is not getting anything.

If he tells me to moisten my
lips and look horny I'll throw up.

They're all the same. I can't
be bothered looking at naked men.

It's funny. I wonder if
it's always been like that.

Somehow it's touching that they get
so much out of just looking at you.

I don't think it's titillating at
all. In fact I'm totally indifferent.

No, not indifferent. But different
than what I thought it would be.

I wonder if some girls even enjoy this.

Enjoy exposing themselves. Showing
everything. All that men want to see.

I wonder what they get out of it when
they can't touch me or talk to me.

I wonder what time it is. It
feels like this has taken all day.

If Soren wants me in bed when
I get home, I'll tell him no.

Why can't I stop thinking about him.
I bet he's not even thinking of me.

Well. Did it hurt, then?

What is this?

- Why haven't we met before?
- Is that my fault?

- No. It's just, you know Gunnar, right?
- Right. I work for him.

- Is it worthwhile?
- Not particularly, no.

It's an easy way to make money.
Don't you think it's a bit odd?

What's your point?

I mean, compared to how
normal people earn their money.

You mean, like working
at a factory for instance?

Exactly.

Is that some of your work?

- Damn, I would like to see that.
- How much would you give?

How much would I give?

Do you think I do it for free?

You're a naughty one, aren't you?

- Alright, then. 200 DKK.
- Money up front.

Is that all you get for 200 DKK?

Please answer the phone.

My God. I thought you were dead.

- Hello. Vivi speaking.
- Vivi.

- Hello Vivi. Thank
you for the photograph.

What's that?

You don't know who this is.

But you do know me. I'm looking at you.

I'm looking at your big, beautiful cunt.

My cock is just like an iron rod.

It's too big to be in my trousers.

I'll be with you in a
moment. I'll come an fuck you.

I'll thrust it into your
brain. Until I explode.

Are you still there, Vivi?

You have no idea...

Vivi?

Vivi? How about a cup of coffee?

Hi there. This is Soren.

Is Vivi with you?

Oh. She hasn't said anything?

You know, did she have any errands
or was she in a bad mood or something?

No, not at all. She
just usually doesn't...

What?

What photographs?

Oh, just those.

Is it already out?

Strong?

In what way, 'strong'?

The Beach. Camping.

Is it fixed?

- It's done.
- Thanks.

- Is that where you live?
- Did live.

I keep the photograph so I
don't forget how well I am now.

The small photograph to
the right is my daughter.

She's on my side.

On your 'side'. How?

And this one. That's my husband.

He couldn't live without that
enchanting creature he's holding there.

My name is Harriet. Not
much to do about that.

My name is Vivi.

How does it feel being 19 years old?

- How it feels?
- I do remember how it was for us.

For me. But some much
has changed since then.

Or perhaps not?

For instance why do you think
we talk too much about sex?

Wasn't that what you
said in the magazine?

I absolutely agree. I'm just curious.

- You don't drink?
- I'd rather have a Coke.

I don't have a Coke,
but you can have a soda.

Perhaps you think we
drink too much as well?

Are you writing a book?

Well, I don't know what it turns into.

How did you guess?

What's a typewriter for, anyway?

Hmm, plenty of things, I guess.

What's it about?

You, my dear.

And me.

- About women.
- Women?

Tell me, eh, I mean, those photographs.
You're not that type at all.

- What type?
- Well, I mean...

...It's not you, they want.

Doesn't it bother you to be
reduced to nothing but flesh?

It's as if we sign an agreement, that we
are only for the sake of their pleasure.

That's probably my deceased husband.
He's calling twice a day to get me back.

But it's not really me,
he wants back, you see.

It's all his old habits, that used to get
on his nerves but now seem indispensable.

Yes... Yes.

Yes as we agreed. No, I'm
not holding any grudges.

On the contrary. I'm only
happy to get rid of you.

- I'm sending you a check tomorrow.
- No thank you.

Don't send any money. I'm
getting along fine by myself.

Yes. That's quite possible.

But you can only thank yourself
for that. As you very well know.

Yes. Goodbye.

No, my good man. It's
not going to be that easy.

I also received a phone
call. This morning.

- It's fantastic out here.
- Yes isnt' it?

I still can't figure out
why you agreed to do it.

It was for the money.

But that's petty prostitution.

What isn't prostitution
one way or the other?

It appeared to me that you
didn't look like you enjoyed it.

I tried hard to look like that.

All the time I tried not to like it.

'Tried'?

Yes. It's all a bit odd.

At first I thought it was
disgusting and pure lunacy.

But then suddenly I realized, that
maybe for the first time in my life -

- I was doing something
that made sense to me.

That what I did meant something...

...I don't know how to explain
it. I'm going for a swim.

You are out of your mind. It's freezing.

The colder the better.

I'll get you a bath rope.

Jerk!

Bastard!

Fuck off.

This isn't funny anymore.
Now, please leave.

- Perhaps this is your beach?
- No. But it's our clothes.

What are you up to?

Is it perhaps wrong to
enjoy the view, then?

There are more than 60 miles of
beautiful nature to look at on both sides.

But I prefer the view right here.

Allow me to introduce: The
Man Without a Bottom Half.

May I offer you a refreshment?

Hurry on and put on some clothes.

Let me find some for you.

- You are shaking like a leaf.
- It's him.

- Who?
- The man from the phone.

- I recognized his voice.
- Don't be afraid.

He's just a lonely soul.
In the end they all are.

Drink this. It will
help you get warm again.

We are the stronger sex, you see.

They know it, and they are afraid of us.

Especially guys like him
down there are afraid of us.

And when they let us down it's
always because they're afraid.

Afraid because once in their life
there is something they can't handle.

It has become too hard, you see.

We know them too well. It's much
easier with some 19 year old.

There he is.

He's getting on my nerves.

Let's teach him a lesson.

How?

I'm coming in to get you.

Hello.

She's not in at the moment.

My name is Vivi.

Not really. In fact I
don't really know her.

We accidentally ran into each other.

She told me about that.

I think you should call
again a little later.

I really don't think it's
appropriate that you tell me all that.

Do you find me ridiculous?

I don't. On the contrary.

I only wish someone
would tell me the same.

I guess that's why I chose to confess
in a complete stranger like you.

Yes. I'll let her know.

Don't worry. I promise I'll tell her.

Yes. Goodbye.

'It is commonly known that there is
an ongoing battle between the sexes. '

'And just like any other undeniable truths,
which we are hesitant to acknowledge' -

- 'all talk about it
is usually facetious. '

'This battle is comprehensive
and dead serious. '

'The battle is not limited to the few
open encounters the women's lib has' -

'with the established male society. '

'Whether the battle is fought at home or
in public it's always a close combat' -

'without rules or conventions'

'and it's always fatal. '

'We always experience it, but only
rarely do we fully understand it. '

'Even when we are in the
middle of it ourselves. '

'With regards to their appearance
woman are completely brainwashed. '

'They never take off
their clothes in public. '

'They are often full of excuses because
they are embarrassed of their bodies. '

'They compare their own bodies to the
artificial sex bombs of the magazines. '

'Is it too much to ask to be spared the
constant battle for physical perfection?'

'In particular when the demand comes
from a physical unattractive husband. '

My dear. You are not on a
retreat already, are you?

The party has just started.

He's still out there.

You husband called. He's going to
call you again in about an hour.

I'm unplugging the phone.

No. Don't do that.

- My God. Did he convince you as well?
- No, but...

...I just thought he sounded so sad.

Ridiculous.

A grown man who calls and pours out
his soul to a complete strange girl -

- is just as unappetizing as someone
who calls up an says, 'dick' and 'cunt'.

And just as dangerous if
you take him seriously.

Let's get started. I have everything.

Okay.

Why don't we draw the curtains?

No. I think we better
entice him a little longer.

Do you think we'll manage?

Of course we'll manage. I have
repeatedly told you, we are the stronger.

He, on the other hand, should flee with his
tail between his legs. Literally speaking.

This week's centerfold girl:
Vivi thinks we talk too much about sex.

Is it you, honey?

You might as well exaggerate it a bit.

Just a little more mascara.

That's more like it.

And the lips.

Let me do it.

It's getting cold out here, but I'm
happy that you didn't loose your patience.

Would you like to come inside? I'm
terribly sorry, but we need the chair.

By all means.

I don't suppose I could
trouble you getting it in.

- Get it in?
- Yes. The chair.

- The chair. Inside?
- Yes please.

- Why are you dressed up like that?
- To please you. Everything for you.

- Where do you want it?
- At the head of the table, of course.

That's it.

- Please sit down.
- Who? Me?

I am so hungry.

- Vivi!
- That's certainly looks inviting.

Oh God. I'm so sorry.

Here you are.

Cheers and welcome to 'Slaraffenland'.

By the way, 'Slaraffen' is
low German. It means 'fool'.

But that doesn't bother us.

Would you...?

'The weather forecast'

'There is a 1040 mb high
pressure at the Biscaya'

'And it slowly moves Northeast'

'A 1010 mb high pressure
approaches Scotland... '

'A 965 mb low pressure at
Lofoten is approaching Finland'

'A 980 mb low pressure is observed
West of Iceland and is going North'

Would you mind putting
on some music, honey?

Cheers, girls.

I must say that this came
to me as a complete surprise.

How about some more lobster salad?

She's a real nice girl.

In fact much too nice to be my girl.

Well. That's probably what she realized.

Seriously. Do you think so?

Hello.

It was the doorbell.

That's what I always say:
'It's the door, Soren'.

The DOOR

What the...?

It's just a present for Vivi.

Get lost, man!

Alright. Give it to me. She's not
in. But I'll tell her you said hello.

What's going on?

Nothing.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

Nothing, nothing, come on.
Let me see what you're hiding.

My God. That's what you call 'nothing'?

Now I realize why you
find it hard to let her go.

Do you see what she
looks like? A figurehead.

A figurehead that graces a
ship bound for Bliss Island.

Have you got anymore to
say. If so, then just leave.

Here you are.

Cheers little man. You are
hardly drinking anything.

Cheers. You stuck up, bourgeois bitch.

Shh. You broke your vow of silence.

That might be so, but she's a stuck
up, bourgeois bitch regardless.

You haven't told us your name?

Do you want to know my name?

Do you really want to
know my name? Do you Vivi?

Is it Hugo?

Arne, Tony?

- Borge,
Svend-Aage? - Knud?

- Palle?
- Martin?

Marcello?

You'll never guess it.

Kurt?

Egon?

Iver?

Schulz?

- Does it even matter?
- Exactly. What is in fact a name?

Would a rose smell less
sweet had it not a name?

Eat, my little pig.

Let's play a game.

A game?

Please count slowly to 100-

- while we prepare the next
part of the program. Come on.

'Program'?

You do know how to count
to 100, don't you? 1, 2,...

...3...

- ... 4... 5... 6...
- 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13...

What the hell are you doing?

Now look.

Now look, my sweet master.

Now, let's talk.

You do know why you are
sitting there, don't you?

This is your rightful punishment.

But let's start by
making you sober, quickly.

So you wont misunderstand anything.

I think we should do this for real.

What do suggest we should do to you?

You do realize that we can't
have people like you harassing us.

Not that you are any worse
than the rest of your gender.

But that is still quite bad.

We have to put an end to it all.

In all honesty we were
thinking about castrating you.

But we are being merciful. You'll get off
by repeating what you told her earlier.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- That's a lie.

- Of course you do.
- I don't remember what I said.

Then perhaps this is
going to help you remember.

Once when I was 17 I wrote a poem:
'Tonight I dreamt about summer' -

- 'When the clouds disappear /
and happiness is flickering'...

What has that got to do with anything.
Repeat what you said this morning.

I'm watching... your big,
beautiful cunt.

Yes, go on.

My cock is like an iron rod...

It's almost too big
to be in my trousers.

Go on.

You are the girl of my dreams,
but you have never noticed me.

I have always loved you.

No. That's not it.

There is a pressure of 4
atmospheres on my balls.

I'm going to give it to you.
All the way into your brain.

Until I explode.

I will make you happy.
I'll give you 27 orgasms.

27!

- What more?
- No more. I swear.

That's too bad because I was
really beginning to get curious.

Do you know what I mean. How would
you like us to extend the punishment?

Just a bit.

I realize that doing it with
me has to be quite a punishment.

Compared to that girl. Am I right?

Hello. Yes she's here now.

I'm here. But it is very
inconvenient right now.

I'm having a gentlemen over, who
has promised me 27 orgasms in a row.

And I really can't
miss this opportunity.

He has a cock like an iron
rod. Didn't you say that?

In fact I'll leave the phone on
the table for you to enjoy the show.

Now that you want what's best for me.

Show us what you are capable of. Don't
let us down after everything we did.

Otherwise I'm afraid that
I'll get seriously mad at you.

Let me just tell you that I'm
already a disappointed women.

My dear husband. Why do I have
to feel like I'm the problem.

I'm giving you the opportunity
to show him how it's done.

What's it going to be, then?

Is that all you can do?

How about those 4
atmosphere. Are they gone?

What shall we do to
bring back the spark?

All you do is watching.

Here is the girl of your dreams.

Please tell what's so wonderful
about such an artificial doll.

Explain it to me!

Why aren't you saying anything.
You, who has a remark for everything.

Perhaps you don't even know
it, yourself. Take a look.

Look how unimportant she really is.

Look at those eyes. What
does she know about life?

How much does she understand?

How can she be anything but
a piece of stupid, soft meat.

Cock and cunt. That's all.

Cock and cunt, cock and cunt, cock...

Vivi!

Vivi! Vivi!

She doesn't care about you.

And neither do I.

Do you understand?

What will you do when I cut you
loose? Are you going to kill me?

That's alright.

But first you have to
say, that you are sorry.

- Say: 'I am sorry'!
- I am sorry.

What are you doing?
What is it that you want?

Her!

- No!
- Her!

No. Look at me.

- Vivi.
- Touch me.

I'm scarred.

Here feel it. She is right.

It's nothing but a piece of
meat. Nothing to be scarred about.

Vivi.

- Think about your summer clouds.
- But I can't.

Not any longer.

But you have to try. Come on.

- Vivi.
- Come on, now. Give me your hand.

Stop it. Look at me. She's not doing
anything. Nothing to be afraid of.

- Are you going to trick me?
- No.

- Are you going to
make a fool out of me?

Please lie down.

Close your eyes.

You can't look until I tell you to.

Open your eyes.

I have missed you. I
never thought that...

Here I am.

Stop being foolish.

You are ruining
everything by acting silly.

We need to stop being
afraid of each other.

There's nothing to be
afraid of, is there?

Here.

Be careful.

How does it feel? Is this good?

I am sorry.