Rango (2011) - full transcript

Rango is a pet chameleon always on the lookout for action and adventure, except the fake kind, where he directs it and acts in it. After a car accident, he winds up in an old western town called Dirt. What this town needs the most is water, but they also need a hero and a sheriff. The thirsty Rango instantly takes on the role of both and selfishly agrees to take on the case of their missing water.

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We are gathered here today
to immortalise in song

the life and untimely
death of a great legend.

- Rango.
- So sit back, relax,

and enjoy your low-calorie
popcorn and assorted confections

while we tell you the strange
and bewildering tale of a hero

who has yet to enter his own story.

Crunchy, creamy, cookie, candy, cupcake.

Okay, everybody, let's
take it from the top.

The stage is set, the night
moist with apprehension.

Alone in her chamber, the princess
prepares to take her own life.

"It is far better to nourish
worms than to live without love."

She reaches for the poisoned chalice.

Meanwhile, the wicked Malvolio
plots his ascension to the throne

while her ageing
father lies gravely ill.

"Yes, I am gravely ill."

"Hark, who goes there?"

'Tis I, the much-anticipated hero,

returning to rescue his
emotionally unstable maiden!

Unhand her, you jailers of virtue,

or taste the bitter
sting of my vengeance!

The sting of my...

Dr Marx?

Dr Marx, I'm not getting
anything from you.

People, we've talked about
this. Acting is reacting.

Victor, you were
wooden! There, I said it.

Mr Timms? You were good.

Perhaps a little too good.

What's that, Victor? My character's
undefined? That's absurd.

I know who I am. I'm the guy,
the protagonist, the hero.

Every story needs a hero. I
mean, who else is better qualified

to bask in the adulation
of his numerous companions?

The stage is waiting.

The audience thirsts for adventure.

Who am I?

I could be anyone.

I could be the sea cap'n
returning from a mighty voyage

to reclaim his mechanical arm!

Or I could be the rogue anthropologist,
battling pythons down in the Congo!

Down, Chongo, down!

And if you desire romance,

I will become the greatest
lover the world has ever known!

I couldn't help but notice
you noticing me noticing you.

You know, the womens find me
uncomfortably good looking.

But you seem remarkably at ease.

Stop it. No, really.

Well, if you must. What are you doing?

That tickles. Are those real?

That's it! Conflict.

Victor, you were right.
I have been undefined.

People, I've had an epiphany.
The hero cannot exist in a vacuum!

What our story needs is
an ironic, unexpected event

that will propel the hero into conflict!

Mr Timms?

That's right! You!

Don't be shy. Come on.

It's okay.

That's it, a little closer.


I won't bite you.

I need a little help here.

Are you okay?

I must get to the other side.

The other side? You mean, just
now, that was you crossing the road?

That's why the...

Why'd you do that?

This is my quest. He waits for me.

What? Who?

The Spirit of the West, amigo. The one.

They say he rides an alabaster carriage
with golden guardians to protect him.

What are you talking about?

Enlightenment. We are
nothing without it.

Nothing? Your delusional
quest just ruined my life!

I had an incredibly complex
social network going!

Highly sophisticated
friends! I was very popular!

Friends? I don't see no friends.

You are a very lonely lizard.

Look, I need water, hydration.
My teeth are chapped.

I need lotion. I'm down to
one layer of skin already.

Pretty soon, I'm going to
start seeing my insides.

Not unlike what you've got going there.

Listen, I can't survive
in the desert, okay?

I... I don't belong here.

That may be true, but here you are.

Now help me up and I will
help you find what you seek.

- You will?
- And perhaps more.

Quickly. I must get back to my quest.

- You mean you've done this before?
- Yes. Many times.

Come, come. That's it, pull my finger.

The Spirit is waiting for me.

Okay, okay.

Okay. That's not going to work.

I must get to the other side.

Why don't you just wait until
there are no cars coming?

It's not so easy as it looks.


Is a metaphor.

There's another one!

I knew it.

You need a little help, amigo?

I think the metaphor broke my spleen.

The path to knowledge is
fraught with consequence.

I'm just looking for the path to water.

If you want to find water,
you must first find Dirt.


Destiny, she is kind to you.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. The water comes.

At noon, the townspeople
gather for a mysterious ritual.

A town? You mean, with real
people and everything? Where?

A day's journey. Follow your shadow.

You want me to just
walk out into the desert?

That's the way.

Okay. So you're saying

there's a town, a real
town, not a metaphor town.

Go on. It's okay.


Well, then, I'm going.

I am leaving the road now!

I'm walking into the desert!


We all have our journeys to make!

I will see you on the other side.

Welcome, amigo

To the land without end

The desert and death

Are the closest of friends

We sing of his courage

In magnificent song

But pay close attention

He won't be here long

As the birds pluck his eyes
The sun bleaches his bones

See his entrails get scattered
Watch him lose his cojones

Here in the Mojave Desert,

animals have had millions of years
to adapt to the harsh environment.

But the lizard? He is going to die.

"Four score and seven
years ago, our fathers..."

- Don't move.
- What?

- Don't move!
- Not moving.

Not moving.

Try to blend in.

Blend in? What do you mean?

Blend in.

What are you saying?

- Too late.
- No, no. It's not too late!

I'm blending! I'm a blender!

Hey, calm down! What are you doing?

Stop moving!

Try not to look conspicuous.

- What are you doing?
- I'm blending.

- Go blend somewhere else.
- Don't distract me.

- No room at the inn.
- It's an art, not a science.

- Find your own hiding place.
- No, this is good.

Here she comes!

You better run, Mojito!

- What? I thought you said, "Don't move."
- That was before. Now, you run.

Oh, hey. Proboscis.


Please, no, please. I have
vertigo! My glands are swelling!

Please, no.

You! I'll kill you! You stupid lizard!

Get out of there.
I'm going to strangle your huevos!

Big bird! Big bird!

No, wait! Come back!
I was just kidding!

- Come on, we're friends, right?
- I don't know you!

- Lizards, frogs...
- Find your own hiding place!

- We're practically related!
- No room at the inn!

- Come on, move over!
- You're not my friend!

I'll let you kiss my sister!

You son of a...

Where are your friends now, amigo?

Get your slimy-webbed
phalanges off my boots!


I got a bead on you, stranger.
So you get up real slow

lessen you want to spend the better part

of the afternoon putting
your face back together!

- No, ma'am, I don't.
- Who are you?

- Who am I?
- I'm asking the questions here!

Our town is drying up. We're
in the middle of a drought.

Now someone's dumping
water in the desert!

It's a puzzle of undeterminable
size and dimension,

but I intend to find out what
role you playing in all this.

- Role?
- What are you involved in?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

I've got two one-acts, a mystery
and a musical I've been gestating.

I got the words, I'm just working on
the melody right now. It's like a...

I think it's gonna be a western.

A monkey got a cracker
His mother was a slapper

She'll be coming 'round
the mountain in the rain

You ain't from around here, are you?

I'm still working on it.

So, what's your name?

- Beans.
- That's a funny kind of name.

What can I say? My daddy
plumb loved baked beans.

Well, you're lucky he
didn't plumb love asparagus.

What are you saying?

I mean, I enjoy a
hearty puttanesca myself,

but I'm not sure that a child
would appreciate the moniker.

My daddy was a great man, even if he
did exhibit a proclivity for legumes.

- Spicy.
- You're eating his ashes!

You carry his remains?

No, his ashes. He loved to
smoke. They never found the body.

Well, I'm sure he had his reasons.

- What are you implying?
- Nothing.

My daddy was never near that mine shaft.

He'd been sober for over a month!

And for you to insinuate that he would
abandon his parental responsibilities

at a delicate time in my personal
development is an affront to my sense...

Miss Beans?

Miss Beans? Hello?


And until the people of Andromeda Five

return him safe and sound,
I will not sell my ranch!

- What... What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

- What am I doing?
- You're cuddling me.

- You were frozen.
- I was not.

Yes, you were. You stopped talking.

It's a defence mechanism.
Actually, lots of lizards have it.

You're making that up.

So, you gonna die out here,
or you want a ride into town?

No, no, no. Yeah. No. Yes,
please. Thank you. Sorry.

Today's Wednesday. Wednesday's
when we all get to it.

So who are you, really?

Well, I'm a man of many epithets.

There's my stage name,
my pen name, my avatar.

I had a pseudonym once,
but I had it legally changed.

And so the stranger,
seeking companionship,

finds the woman, much like
the sirens of ancient times

luring him to his certain demise.

...nom de plume, I have a CB handle.

I'm actually one of the
few men with a maiden name.

Well, here we are.


Well, I sure do appreciate
this, Miss Beans,

- and if there's ever anything that I...
- Get on up!

Okay, then!

See you, Beans.

You heading out, Jim?

Well, we gave it our best
shot. We had to sell out.

Can't grow no crops without no water.

Bye, now!

What is it?

What was that for?

You're funny looking.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're
funny looking, too.

- That's a funny-looking shirt.
- That's a funny-looking dress.

- You got funny-looking eyes!
- You got a funny-looking face!

You're a stranger. Strangers
don't last long here.

Here's your beans, Beans.

I'm gonna need some
more feed, too, Willie.

Now, Beans, you owe me three quarts
already. I can't give you more credit.

But I'll have what I owe you at noon.

You don't understand. It's Mr Merrimack
down at the bank. He cut off all credit.

Hey, Beans! Beans!

You know that there fella?

Hey, Beans! Miss Beans!


Hey, Beans!


Right. Blend in. Yeah, blend in.

I'd like a glass of water.

He wants a glass of water!

Make it a double!

Give him the spittoon!

Cactus juice. That's what we got.

Hey, there, fruit cup.

You're a long ways from home, ain't ya?

Who exactly are you?

Who am I?

I could be anyone.

What's the matter?

You missing your mommy's mangos?

As a matter of fact, I am.

But not as much as
your daddy's cooking!

Exactly where
did you say you were from?

Me? I'm from the West.

Out there, beyond the horizon.

Past the sunset.

The Far West.

Yeah, that's right, hombres.

The place I come from,
we kill a man before breakfast

just to work up an appetite.

Then we salt him,
and we pepper him.

Then we braise him
in clarified butter.

And then we eat him.

- You eat him?
- That's what I said!

Hell, I seen things make a grown man
lose control of his glandular functions!

You spend three days
in a horse carcass,

living off your own juices.

It'll change a man. Oh, yeah.

Had a few extra aces in this deck,
gents. Just the way I like it.

So, no,
my hirsute little rodent friend,

I am not from
around these parts.

You might say I'm from
everywhere there's trouble brewing

and hell waiting to be raised.

You might say I'm what
hell's already raised up.



Are you the fella that
killed them Jenkins brothers?

Killed them with one bullet.

Don't get no deader.

All seven of them?

That's right.

All seven of them.

Exactly how you do that, Mr Rango?

You know, I'm glad you asked me that.

And I will be happy to tell you how.
But you're all gonna have to listen up!

Because this is where it gets


That'll close out your account,
Mrs Oats, two gulps and a swig.

Hands off, Mordecai!

That's what's left of
your college education!

I don't rightly have
no other choice, Beans.

Times being so hard, we just
can't give no more credit.

But this here is a bank. This
is where you keep the water.

Beans, you've been like a niece
to me ever since your daddy

did not fall drunk down a mine shaft.

I've tried to protect you and
others from certain realities.

But that... Well...

- Mr Merrimack?
- Realities are bearing down.

Mr Merrimack!

Are you all right?

Beans, I need to show you something.

- That's all that's left?
- And this here is the reserve!

I don't know if you've noticed,

but folks just ain't making
deposits on a Wednesday no more!

Mr Merrimack, if I don't get some
water, I'm gonna lose my ranch

and you're telling me that's all
that's left in the whole town?

Now that just don't make
no sense. Now, listen.

Someone is dumping water in the desert.

I seen it with my own eyes.

Water in the desert?

Was this during one
of your special times?


Well, we can all dream,
but this is the reality.

Why do you think so many people are
selling out? They just can't make it.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well, I suppose we
could talk to the Mayor.

I hear he's been helping people
out in this time of crisis.

The Mayor?

He may be our only hope.

Bullet hits a shovel, ricochets
back towards number three,

and that's when the roof caved in,

igniting the thermos
of pure grain alcohol

instantly vapourising his bodily form,
leaving nothing but a charcoal statue

and a high-pitched squeal.

Hold on, there. That's only six.
What happened to number seven?

Number seven?

Hell, he died of infection.

- Seven men!
- One bullet!

Drinks all around!

Dance for me, Sod Buster!

- Yes, dance like a chicken!
- That's right! Dance!

You got corn in your ears, mate?

You don't pay the mortgage,
you don't own the land!

- That's basic real estate law, my friend.
- Quid pro quo!

If I see your face in this town again,

I'm gonna slice it off and use
it to wipe my unmentionables.

Mind the beak.

And don't come back!

What are you all gawping at?

Hey, Bad Bill, there's
something I got to tell you!

What is this?

You know who that is,
Bill? That there's Rango!

Yeah, he ain't afraid of you!
He ain't afraid of none of you.

Killed them Jenkins brothers.

- Done it with one bullet, Bill.
- All seven of them!

Is that right?

Let me get that before you...

No. Oh, I know. Here.

Just take care of that for you.

There. All better.

T.O. T.O. Just a second.

All right, now listen!

I'm going to give you fellas
one last chance to reconsider!

And if you don't want to reconsider

I might consider reconsidering myself.

Now that's what I'm talking about. Yeah.

All right, now listen up!

Things are going to be different
around here now that Rango's in town.

Got some new rules! I want
my shoes shined every morning,

my coffee hot, Danish on the side.

Whatever you do, don't
look me in the eye.

Stay out of my peripheral vision!

- It's Rango.
- What's he up to?

He ain't afraid of nobody. He's
telling that bird what's for!

And when you see me coming, stand aside.

I take large steps and I
don't want none of you hayseeds

getting your bodily fluids on my boots!

Of course, there is
no need for violence,

as long as we stick
together, work as a team.

So I want you all to come outside
now and line up single file

while I take a brief intermission!

What's he doing now?

I think it's a number two.

Never mind.

Take a look-see over here!

Well, look at him now!

He's chasing after that hawk!

Give him hell, Rango!

- Did you see that?
- He killed that thing!

What do you think, Doc?

This hawk is dead!

Shoot, I say we cook that right up.

He did it with one bullet!

Just like he said!

It's about time we
had a hero around here.

One who ain't in a pine box.

I think it's time he met the Mayor.

You hear that, Rango? You're
going to meet the Mayor!

Let's hear it for Rango!

And so the stranger basks

in the adulation of his new friends,

sinking deeper into the
guacamole of his own deception.

When is he going to die?

Soon, compadre. Soon.

My land is not for sale!

I came here to save
my land, not sell it!

I'm sure there's something reasonable
we can work out if you just talk to him!

Beans! Where are you going? Beans?

The Mayor will see you now.

Water, Mr Rango, water.

Without it, there's
nothing but dust and decay.

But with water there's life.

Look at them, so desperate to
live, they'll follow it anywhere.

That's the immutable law of the desert.

Control the water and
you control everything.

But I don't have to tell you that being
a true man of the West, as you are.

Oh, yeah. The West is the best.

This is from my private stock.

Vintage rainwater from the Great Deluge.

Not Noah's deluge. Good
heavens, I'm not that old.

I guess power has its privileges.

You make a good point, son.

But with privilege comes responsibility.

Hell, I was mayor here
before there was a Dirt!

And I may be just a
sentimental old turtle

but I think there's a future for this
town. And I hope you'll be part of it.

- To Dirt!
- To Dirt.

You see them, Mr Rango? All
my friends and neighbours?

It's a hard life here. Very hard.

Do you know how they make it
through each and every day?

They believe.

They believe it's going to be better.

They believe that the water will come.

They believe against
all odds and all evidence

that tomorrow will be better than today.

People have to believe in something.

Right now, they believe in you.

Pick it up, Mr Rango.
Your destiny awaits.

People have to believe in something.

It's almost noon. Is everything ready?

Yeah. But he might be a problem.

He's not a problem,
William. He's a solution.

It just don't make no sense.

This whole town is drying up,

and the Mayor is the only one
who don't seem to be affected.

Doesn't that make you
just a wee bit suspicious?

And what about that water
I saw out in the desert?

All right! No need to incite
anxiety. I'll inquire about the Mayor.

But if you really feel there's
some conspiracy occurring,

I suggest you take it
up with the new sheriff.

This is going to be good.
Hey! Watch that needle there.

Not too tight. I want to
leave room for some pucker!

That's good.

Oh, easy there, tiger.

- A little up and back?
- I don't think so.

Have you got French cuffs with that?

Excuse me, Sheriff Rango.
I want to talk to you.

Hey, Beans, what do you
think of the new duds?

I got a 10-gallon hat
marked down from 15.

- That's nice.
- Have you met Angelique?

- Hello, Beans.
- Hello, Angelique.

- Tart.
- Floozy.

- Trollop.
- Excuse me, Mr Rango.

I will blow that ugly
right off your face!

I was just thinking that...

You want the old John Hancock, do you?

- Well, here. Hold this.
- Sheriff Rango, this isn't a social call.

There's a bullet in there.

I know about the shindig this afternoon.

- I ordered myself some right fancy duds.
- Sheriff, I'd like to file a...

- Mr Rango!
- Oh, you, too? No problem.

- Here, let me just...
- I need you to investigate...

You know, Beans, I bet you clean up real
nice, you put a little effort into it.

- What?
- Now, remember, son,

stay in school, eat your veggies,
burn everything but Shakespeare.

- Who's Shakespeare?
- Sheriff Rango,

if that is your real name.

I am trying to save my daddy's ranch,

which is on the verge of
an agricultural meltdown

while you're playing patty-cake
with this here trollop!

Sad, really. Such a drab little thing.

Why does she do that?

- It's a survival reflex.
- Her switch is just broken.

Well, that's an inconvenience.

It is not a rash! It is a birthmark!

I did it again, didn't I?

Did what?

Let me ask you something.

Did anybody here mention what
happened to our last sheriff?

Pardon, but may I ask you...
Excuse me, may I ask you...

The last sheriff... Pardon
me. Where is everybody going?

What exactly happened to the...

All day

I've faced the barren waste

Without the taste of water

Cool water

Old Dan and I

With throats burned dry

And souls that cry

For water


I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Clear water

This is a heck of a
hoedown you got going.

Still working out those steps.

So, is this considered
normal civic behaviour?

Every Wednesday, just like clockwork.

You kill bird.

Yeah. Matter of fact, I did.

Bird dead. Snake come.


He means Rattlesnake Jake, Mr Rango.

He never comes to town 'cause
he's scared of that hawk.

But he might come now.

Can I have your boots when you're dead?


And I ain't got no problem
with this Rattlesnake Jake.

That's just what Amos said.


You got any gold fillings?

My fellow Dirtonians.

I welcome you to our great
day of deliverance. Hallelujah.

- Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!

Acolytes, prepare the holy spigot!

We have a newcomer amongst
us today, my friends.

A man I think needs
little introduction to you

so bold has been his entry
into our fair society.

Mr Rango, would you step forward?

The time has come, my friends.
The time that was foretold!

- Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!

The sacred time!

- Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!

The time of destiny!

- Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!

The time of deliverance!

- Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah!

It is the time of hydration!

- It's his fault!
- It's the newcomer!

- Burn him!
- He's a witch!

I get his boots!

My friends, my friends!
Temper your frustrations.

Times will be tough from now on.
Sacrifices will have to be made.

But if I can help in any way,
please know that my door is always...

Hold it, hold it!

Now, this whole thing
stinks three ways to Sunday.

First the bank's run dry
and now this here spigot?

The bank's run dry?

- What's she talking about?
- She said there's no water in the bank!

This is all we have! We
can't give it all out!

That was my rehydration account!

None of that civil disobedience
in my town, thank you very much.

Thank goodness you're here, Sheriff.
Things were getting out of hand.

Come right in.

Let me have a gander at the source
of the societal discontentment here.


All right, listen up! I've been thinking

and I believe I've
figured something out.

You folks have a water problem!

Now just pay attention, everybody.
I'm trying to make a point here.

Let's say this fella here
were to take a drink of water.

Just one little drink.
No harm, no foul, right?

And you!

You're just as dried up and
parched as a jackrabbit in July.

So you belly on up and
take you a double shot!

Stay with me.

What do you think happens
then? Why we'd all be drinking!

And before you know it, there
wouldn't be any more water.

And then where would we be?

We'd be thirsty.

Real thirsty.

We'd turn on each other
like a bunch of animals!

Now look here. We have
got six days of water.

We have got five days...

As long as we've got water,
we've got ourselves a town.

Sheriff Rango is right.

As long as we have this
water, we have some hope.

And you can all take it from me.

My 100% full-time
employment from this moment on

will be to protect our
precious natural resource.

Ain't no one gonna tango with the Rango.

Evening, ladies.

Evening, Sheriff.

And don't you come back!

Hold on there, Gordy. You get back
in there and you assert yourself,

and I think you'll find the people of this
here town to be surprisingly hospitable.

Thank you, Sheriff.

What? Not you again!

I stand corrected.

- This ain't the bank.
- I told you, Jedidiah!

Hold it right there!

- Who's that?
- It's the Sheriff!

Get them hands up where I can see them!

Just as I suspected.

Prospecting without the authorised
equipment. Don't move a muscle.


Now, you got your shovel,
pickaxe, Benadryl, loofah,

assorted snacks, some puzzle books
and you're gonna need a permit.

- Loofah.
- Ezekiel, Jedidiah!

What the Sam Hill's going on up there?

I've had polyps removed
smarter than the two of you!

Hell's fire, this ain't the bank!

Pappy, the Sheriff is standing
right here, helping us out.

Gonna give us a permit for prospecting.

That's right, sir. Just doing my duty.

The lonely constable on his rounds,

keeping an eagle eye out
for mayhem and malfeasance.

Does he look like he sounds?

Well, Sheriff, if we was
to hit the mother lode,

being prospectors and such,

where would we deposit said annuity?

Here in the town of
Dirt, we happen to have

the finest financial institution
this side of the Missouri.

Protected morning, noon
and night by yours truly.

Much obliged.

The bank's been robbed!
The bank's been robbed!

Good Lord, the bank's been robbed!

What's going on?

- It's gone! The water's all gone!
- What'd he say?

He said the bank's been robbed!

Dr Marx! I'm on fire! Embrace me!

The bank's been robbed, the town is dry
"We'll die of thirst," the people cry

He promised to protect the vault
The water's gone, it's all his fault

All right, folks, stand
back, clear the area.

This is a crime scene now.

Secure the perimeter,
dust for prints,

check for fibres,
scan for DNA.

I want a urine sample
from everyone.

And get me a latte.

And don't mix up the two.

What's this?

"Prospecting Permit."

I'll take that. Material evidence.

What are we gonna do now, Sheriff?

- We need that water.
- We're all going to die!

My friends, we all know
what we have to do now.

That's right. We all know
what we have to do now.

- And that would be?
- Form a posse.

Form a possum!

A posse.

Now, we're gonna be doing
this in an orderly fashion.

First off, does anybody here know
how to use a firearm of any kind?

All right, then.

What do we do now, Sheriff?

Now we ride!

Where are we going?


Where are we going?

Now, as my deputy, you'll be in charge
of all tracking and finding of villains,

utilising your well-developed
Injun-uity, no offence taken.

So which way
do you think they went?

You want to sniff the air or
commune with a buffalo or something?

Oh, you're good.

I'm depending on you, Spoons.

You got a little tobaccy
in the beard there.

Always good to have a
medical man along, Doc.

Reptiles got to stick
together, right, my brother?

I'm an amphibian.

Ain't no shame in that.

You sure you're fit
for duty there, soldier?

Well, you got a little
something in your eye there.

Oh, that? That there's
conjunctivitis, sir. It's hereditary.

Well, I'm glad to hear
it's not contagious.

Now, just wait a cotton-picking
minute! A posse ain't no place for a...

Never mind.

Hold on there, little sister.

Someone's gonna have to look
after the town while I'm gone.

Can I gut-shoot someone?

Let's put a pin in that.

Sheriff, you're going to bring
that water back, aren't you?

Count on it, little sister.

- Which way do we go, Sheriff?
- There's tunnels everywhere.

Whole town's perforated with them.

She got more holes in her than
a painted lady on a porcupine.

Hey, my daddy took me to her place.

Not what I expected.

How'd them fellers
find the bank, anyway?

Gentlemen, if we can
just stay on task here.

Sheriff! Over here!

- Would you look at that?
- Like seeing the face of God.

Amen, brother.

I remember when it used
to flow every Wednesday.

Those were the halcyon days.

Must be a reason she quit on us.

Whatever the reason, something
is controlling this here water.

What do you say, Sheriff?

Clearly, the robbers
came from this direction.

I say we track this pipe
back to its hydraulic origin

and apprehend the culprits
behind this aquatic conundrum.

- What'd he say?
- I think he said follow the pipe.

- He said follow the pipe.
- He said follow the pipe.

Sure is humid down here.

Yeah, it's activating my piles.

I had a goitre removed once.

Looked like Tony Bennett
stepping out of the shower.

Shoot, I put that on a tortilla.

Whatever you do, do not look down.

- What is this place?
- It's an aquifer.

What's an aquifer?

Well, it's for aqua.

Well, it's empty now.

That's a big one.

- It's the end of the line.
- Don't go no further.

Well, now that there is a pipe. It's
got to be connected to something.

You talk too much. Why
don't you put a cork in it?

Why don't you put a cork... Tell
you where the sun don't shine.

Your mama did. I'll cook her right up.

You two just don't get it, do you?

Someone or something is
messing with our hydration

and that pipe has got
something to do with it.

I thought we was following bank robbers!

We're experiencing a paradigm shift.

I'm gonna shift the features on
your face if you don't shut up!

Go ahead and try!

Quiet, you savages! Stop your rattling.
You're affecting my cogitation.

I got it. Snuff out them torches.

Sure enough.

Smart thinking there, feller.

- Start climbing.
- Get your foot out of my face!

Not bad, huh, Beans?

You keep thinking like that,
your hat's gonna catch on fire.

Well, you know, you get
on a roll, you just...

Hot, hot! Burn.

Poor things. All they
wanted was a little water.

Cactus dying of thirst.
It don't bode well.

- Hey, look what I found!
- What you got there?

- I saw that first!
- Hey, that's mine!

Give me that!

It's empty anyway.

I knew that.

Where'd you find that?

Sheriff! You're going
to want to see this!

It's Mr Merrimack from the bank.

What's he doing here?

- Everybody stand back.
- All right, let me see.

Looks like them varmints
shot him in the back.

No, this man wasn't
shot. He was drowned!

- Drowned?
- In the middle of the desert?

What a way to go.

Well, now, whose boot prints are those?

That's interesting.
The ground's still wet.

I suppose we should bury him.

I don't know. Birds got to eat, too.

Circle of life!


Will you say a few words?

Yeah. Yeah.

Dearly beloved.

We are gathered here
today to honour this man.

Mr Merrimack,

you have the right to remain silent.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.


- Amen.
- Amen.


What's that dad-gum Indian doing?

I see you're consulting
with the spirits.

No, I'm moulting.
Means I'm ready to mate.

I'll keep that in mind.

Cactus fruit.

Yes. The ancient cactus fruit.

I believe your people
use it as seasoning

when preparing your native dishes.

Also natural laxative.

Pick up trail.

Three men heading west.
One blind, one with

enlarged prostate, riding sidesaddle.

- What did he say?
- They're riding sidesaddle.

- We're whispering.
- What'd he say?

Someone's got a bad valve.

All right, which one of you
fellers needs a check-up?


What exactly are we going to do now?

Now we ride!

That means we're
riding now! This moment.

Marshmallows remind me of
going camping with my daddy.

I could eat them all night long.

Of course he did make me cough
them back up again for breakfast.

This one time, I coughed
up an entire Dalmatian.

That ain't nothing. I coughed
up a whole tribe of pygmies.

They started looking at me weird.

I remember them. They
was quite friendly.

I found a human spinal column
in my fecal matter once.

You might want to get that looked at.

Pass the beans, Beans.

- Sheriff?
- No, thanks.

Mr Rango? Can you tell us
about the Spirit of the West?

- Yeah, tell us about that.
- Is it true what they say?

Yes, the Spirit of the West!

The eternally unattainable ideal.

They say he rides in
an alabaster carriage

with golden guardians to protect him.

But he only appears to those who
have undertaken an epic quest!

And have made it

to the other side.

The other side of what?

It's a metaphor.

My eye!

That's gonna heal right up.

Sheriff? What are you going
to do about Rattlesnake Jake?

What? Where?

Sorry about that. Word is you
come against him once or twice.


Jake. You mean my brother.

- Your brother?
- That's what I said!

But he's a snake and you're a lizard.

Well, Momma had an active social life.

Did he ever bite you?

Sure enough did. Look at that
baby. Go ahead, you can touch it.

That's interesting. That
there's a belly button.

Luckily, I'm immune to his venom.

Put some in my coffee just
to give it a little tang.

Is it true he's only
scared of them hawks?

Them's what we call
his natural predator.

All this talk of that serpentine
devil is putting my quills on edge!

I ain't sleeping tonight. No, sir.

Don't you all worry about a thing.
Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water

and return to a hero's welcome.

Friends, before we bunk down

I'd like us all to
join hands for a moment,

say a few words to
the Spirit of the West.

That's a good idea.

Ain't always spoken rightly
to you, Spirit of the West.

But tonight I want to thank you for
bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives.

It's a hard life we got.

Sometimes I don't know
how we're gonna make it.

But somehow, Sheriff Rango
makes me think we will.

We needed a brave man
and you sent us one.

Nice to have someone
to believe in again.

Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Just checking.

- It's a little cold tonight.
- Thank you.

You ever feel like those
things are looking at you?

That's a Spanish dagger.

But around here, we just
call them the Walking Cactus.


There's an old legend they actually
walk across the desert to find water.

When I was a little girl, I'd stay up
late watching them, to see if they'd move.

I thought if I could follow them,
they'd lead me to someplace wonderful.

Someplace with enough
water for everyone.

Night after night, I watched
them. I never saw them move.

But you're still watching.

Who doesn't want to
find someplace wonderful?

We'll find the water,
Beans. I promise you.

That's such a lonely sound.

You ever get lonely?


I can't imagine it. You're such a
charmer and everyone likes you so much.

- I never made friends easy like that.
- No?

No, we're pretty isolated
out there on the ranch,

sort of like being
sealed up in a little box.

Don't really see a lot of folks.

I wouldn't know what that's like.

There someone special
in your life, Rango?

There used to be. But she
couldn't keep her head.

Besides, my life's too
dangerous for that kind of thing.

You know, it's an awful solitary
existence out there on the prairie.

Riding the ranges and the suchlike.


I'm gonna skin you alive, boy! I'm gonna
whup you like a red-headed stepchild!

Choleric varmints, ain't they?

Dysfunctional family. Need intervention.

What's that coming?

It's the water.

I have a plan, and each and every
one of you has a part to play.

What do I do?

Spoons, you got the most
important job of all.

You stay up here on the ridge,
and if anything goes wrong,

you give the signal.

Hey, Beans. What size dress you wearing?

- He got it!
- Hallelujah!

- He found the water!
- You did it, son.

Well, actually...

Why can't you be all
brainy like your brother?

Pappy, about that water.

There's something
I gots to tell you.

Hush up, now. Somebody's coming.

Good sirs, gracious good afternoon
to thee and thee and thee.

May I present Madame Lupone's

Terpsichorean Troupe
of Travelling Thespians!

- What is that?
- I think they's thespians.

That's illegal in seven states!

The stage is set.

The princess prepares
to take her own life.

I yearn for love.

Meanwhile, the lone sentry
stands watch at the castle gate.

Stands watch at the castle gate...

Hark! Who goes there?

This plot is highly predictable.

Quiet! This is my favourite part.

Arriving to great fanfare
'twas her aged father,

strucketh by Cupid.

Prithee, unhand my fair daughter

and reach for the...

- Line?
- "Reach for the sky!"

What was that?

Must be that immersive theatre.

We got you surrounded!

You and your entire family get
your hands up where I can see them.

My entire family?

Grits and spit and collard greens

Waffle chitlins, monkey brains

Refried bones and booger blood

Pickled eggs and flaps of mud

it's a full house.

Looks like we're gonna have ourselves
a good old-fashioned standoff.

I'll have you know, you're not
looking at our entire contingent.

What's that supposed to be?

That's the signal.

That's the signal! Something
must have gone wrong!

So something's supposed to happen?

I am open to suggestions.


Get on the wagon!

Should we have ourselves
some sport, chill'ens?

I likes it when they run.

Maybelle, give the holler!

Looks like we made it!

That audience was quite responsive.

Yeah, well, I think that
chromosome pool is about dried up.

We got bats!

Here! You drive.

Looks like there's
gonna be soup tonight!

Come on, let's get some!

What in tarnation?
Don't shoot the water!

Jedidiah! It's time for
the Alabama squeeze box!

Okay, Pa!

I am sensing hostility.




Lasso that swine!

I suggest we take evasive action!

I suggest you shut up and shoot!

- What happened to the Sheriff?
- He had a previous engagement!

Boseefus, give them some gumbo now!

What was that? Go check it out!

What is it? Is there a problem?

You could call it that.


Is that all you got?

That wasn't altogether unpleasant!

Eat lead!

Here, hold these.

Get your hands off me!

Oh, I'm sorry.


It's impossible.

It can't be. It's empty.

There's no water!

No water? Then what the
hell we been fighting for?

Sir, you have defiled and desecrated
the very sustenance of our livelihood!

I think that there fella in
the purty dress is the Sheriff.

That's the same fellow what
give us a prospecting permit?

- A what?
- Irrelevant! Obfuscation.

You and your kin are under
arrest for bank robbery

and the murder of our
beloved financial advisor

Johannes Merrimack the Third,
AKA, Fluffy Joe.

Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody.

We done tunnelled into that vault,
but there weren't nothing in it.

Somebody done robbed that
bank before we robbed it.

Then where'd you get this here jug?

That's what I been
trying to tell you, Pappy.

I found it in the desert.

Then why in tarnation
did you bring it here?

Hold on! You're saying this here
jug was empty when you found it?

That's right.

I don't believe a word of it.

- Let's hang them, Sheriff!
- String them up!

Who'd dump water in the desert?

Wouldn't be the first time.

It's a puzzle!
It's like a big old mammogram!

What's going on, Sheriff?

I don't know.

But I'm going to strip away this
mystery and expose its private parts.

You and your kin are coming with me.

They're coming!

Here they come!

Looks like they got them robbers.

Where's the water?

There weren't no water.

Where is he going?

He's going to see the Mayor.

He's got to be pleased with that.

That's a good one, boss!

That's interesting.

I do apologise for the shoes, Mr Rango,

but there's a certain protocol
to this game, you understand.

I'm a bit of a stickler for protocol.

Well, that's good, 'cause you
got a few questions to answer

and I've got my own protocol.

But why would anyone dump
water in the blooming desert?

It does seem a bit naive,
taking the word of admitted bank robbers.

Besides, once they hang,
your job is done.

- Bravo!
- Job well done.

But what if somebody did rob
the bank before they got there?

And who would do that, Mr Rango?

I was hoping you could tell me.

That sounds marginally
near to an accusation.

Take it any way you like.

Something you said keeps rattling
around in my frontal lobe.

What's that?

"Control the water and
you control everything."

Come now, Mr Rango.

You attribute divine power to me.

How on earth could I
possibly control the water?

You've obviously mastered this game.

Well, I've been playing
it for many years, sir.

I was here before the highway
split this great valley.

I watched the march of progress,

and I learned a thing or two.

Perhaps it's time you
started to take the long view,

begin to appreciate the
broad sweep of history.

Look out there, son.

You can almost see time passing.

What are you building out here?

The future, Mr Rango, the future.

One day soon, all this is
going to fade into myth,

the frontier town, the
lawman, the gunslinger.

There's just no place for them any more.

- We're civilised now.
- That's right, civilised.

That's what the future holds.

You can either be part of it,
or you can be left behind.

Is that what happened
to Mr Merrimack?

Did he get left behind?

Careful, Mr Rango.

You seem to forget
you're just one little lizard.

You seem to forget I'm
the law around these parts.

Our new sheriff has been
playing the hero for so long,

he's actually starting
to believe it.

Call in Rattlesnake Jake.

But Jake's the Grim Reaper.

He never leaves without
taking a blooming soul.

Do it!

Now be still.

You gotta look presentable
to meet your maker.

Death has arrived

How will the hero survive?

The Mayor has bought up
all the land in the valley,

except for your ranch, Miss Beans.

That just don't
make no sense.

Without water,
that land is useless.

Unless he controls the water.

Like a monkey's bladder!

Then he could bring it back
once he's bought up all the land.

But how does he control the water?

Well, you gotta spend
some time and train them.

'Cause you know monkeys,
when they do go,

you rub their nose in it.

Sheriff, we got a problem.

Hold on, Beans. That won't be necessary.

- Hang him till his head turns blue!
- Give us them robbers!

Hold on!
Calm down, everyone!

Let me talk!

- Nail them to the courthouse!
- Now, calm down, everybody.

Get them out here so we
can cut off their giblets!

You, too, Spoons?

They done taken that water.
They taken everything we got!

No one's stringing anyone
up. Not while I'm sheriff.

But this is all his fault!

You said you's gonna
bring the water back.

It's just, we got no
hope without that water.

We got nothing left to believe in.

You see that sign up there?

As long as that sign says "Sheriff,"

you can believe that there's
law and order in this town.

But without law and order,
ruminate on that. Oh, yeah.

Starts out slow, like a fungus.

Somebody says a cross word.
Accusations start flying.

Neighbour turns on neighbour. Pretty
soon, we're eating our children!

And then dogs and cats
are getting together

to create all sorts of
unnatural mutant aberrations!

So, you want something
to believe in, Spoons?

Believe in me.

Believe in that there sign.

For as long as it hangs
there, we got hope.

Hello, brother.


Long time, brother.
How you been keeping?

Well, you know...

I hear you been telling about how
you killed all them Jenkins brothers.

With one bullet, wasn't it?

Isn't that right?

All these good folks here believe
your little stories, don't they?

Why, they believe you're just
a stone killer, don't they?

Seems these folks trust you.

They think you're gonna
save their little town.

They think you're gonna
save their little souls!

But we know better, don't we?

So why don't you show your
friends here what you're made of?

Show them who you really are.

Why don't you just pull
your gun and shoot me?

But, of course, you
won't need all these.

Just one, right?

Go ahead, hero. Pull the trigger.

You got killer in your eyes, son?

I don't see it.

You didn't do any of them
things you said, did you?

You didn't kill them Jenkins
brothers. You ain't even from the West!

Are you?

- Say it!
- No.

Speak up. I don't think
your friends here heard you.


All you've done is lie
to these good people.

You ain't nothing but a fake
and a coward. Isn't that right?


- Louder!
- Yes.

Listen close, you pathetic fraud.

This is my town now.

If I ever see you again, I will
take your soul straight down to hell!

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm nobody.

Golden guardians.

The alabaster carriage.

The Spirit of the West.

Excuse me? Mister Spirit, sir?

There's a beaut. Sometimes you got to
dig deep to find what you're looking for.

So you made it.

Is this heaven?

If it were, we'd be eating
Pop-Tarts with Kim Novak.


No kidding. What are you doing out here?

Searching, same as you.

I don't even know what
I'm looking for any more.

I don't even know who I am.

They used to call you
the Man with No Name.

These days they got a name
for just about everything.

Doesn't matter what they call you.
It's the deeds make the man.

Yeah, but my deeds just made things
worse. I'm a fraud. I'm a phoney!

My friends believed in me, but
they need some kind of hero.

Then be a hero.

No. No, no, you don't understand.
I'm not even supposed to be here.

That's right. You came a long way to
find something that isn't out here.

Don't you see?
It's not about you.

It's about them.

But I can't go back.

Don't know that you got a choice, son.

No man can walk out on his own story.

So you made it.

That's right, amigo. The
other side of the road.

Did you just see that?

We each see what we need to see.

Beautiful, isn't it?


It is.

Come, my friend. I want
to show you something.

Many years ago, this entire
valley was covered in agua.

Now only one question remains.

Where did it go?

They follow the water.

They follow the water! Come on!

That just don't make no sense.
Without water, that land is useless.

What are you building out here?

The future, Mr Rango.

You can either be part of
it, or you can be left behind.

I was here before the highway
split this great valley.

I watched the march of progress

and I learned a thing or two.

Control the water

and you control everything.

Come now, Mr Rango.

You attribute divine power to me.

How on earth could I
possibly control the water?

What now, amigo?

No man can walk out on his own story.

I'm going back.

But why?

Because that's who I am.

You got a lot of nerve showing up
here, lawman. What is it you want?

Your pappy and them boys are about
to hang for something they didn't do.

But I've got a plan.

I appreciate how difficult
this is for you, Beans.

But you're making a practical decision.

Decisions, decisions.

There's no need for any more suffering.

Your family's ranch is
nothing but a wasteland now.

Sign the deed and relieve
yourself of your father's burden.

My daddy was not a burden!

Keep your blood money
and I'll keep my land!

Do what he says or, by all
the fires of the black pit,

I'll squeeze them pretty
brown eyes out of your skull!

Now, hold on, Jake.
There's no need to...

Let me do my job! You brought me in.

Now we're gonna play
this thing out to the end!

Sign the damn paper, woman!

Go to hell!

Where do you think I come from?

Look into my eyes.

I want to see you die.


I'm calling you out!


This day just got a
little more interesting.

Put her down.

Or what, little man?
You going to kill me?

That's just about the size of it.

- Get your filthy paws off me!
- Shut your gob!

All right, Sheriff, make your move.

Now amigos!

- Heave! Heave!
- Heave! Heave!

That was a bad idea.

Thirsty, brother?

Here it comes!

No. No!

It's a miracle!

Look out!

- Lookee there!
- What is that?

It's our salvation, Pa!

It's a jailbreak,
boys! We're busting out!

I'm gonna blow
so many holes in you,

your guts'll be leaking lead!

Well, then it's a good
thing I brought some backup.


Ain't no hawk.

Ain't nothing but bats!

Stick to the plan, boys!
Let's bleed that devil dry!

It only takes one bullet.

You ain't got the nerve.

Try me.

Oh, Mr Rango.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Hand me your gun, Sheriff.

Now, Mr Rango.

Beans! Hold on. Don't
worry, I got a plan.


Open the door!

Okay, plan B.

Beans, you're mumbling.

All my problems taken
care of except for one.

It's a new West, Jake.

There's no room for gunslingers
any more. We're businessmen now.

Yeah, we got new hats.

Where I come from, we
call this improvisation.

You came back.

What was that?

No need to panic, but I think
you just swallowed plan B.


Okay, panic time.

You and the Sheriff are
more alike than you think.

You're nothing but legends.

Pretty soon, no one will
believe you even existed.

One last bullet to kill one last outlaw.

How fitting.

Sheriff, I'm sure if we work together,

we can reach a mutually beneficial
solution to our current situation.

You better take it up with him.

One bullet.

I tip my hat to you,

one legend to another.

What was that you said?

"Pretty soon, no one will
believe you even existed."

No, Jake! No!


You brought the water back,
just like you promised.

You really are a hero.

Well, the thing about
heroes is, whenever you...

Don't spoil it.


Well, I don't know about you all,
but I could sure go for a dip.

And so the lizard completes his journey

from humble beginnings to
the legend we sing of today.

And although he is certain to die,
perhaps from a household accident,

which account for 65%
of all unnatural deaths,

the people of the village
will honour his memory

even as they abandon their dignity.

- I'm going in.
- How about a cold one, there?

Water ain't money. Money is money.

- Well, I ain't got no...
- We're talking hard cash.

We have a problem.

Who let Snuggles in the pool again?

I really think you complete me.

Prithee, unhand my fair maiden.

- Cut. Cut. Everybody, take five.
- How can you keep missing your mark?

What's my motivation?

Oh, you kids.

What did you do that for?

I was just checking.

I hear if you get too sunburnt,

you can peel a man's face right off.

- What is it?
- That there's some human spleen.

Don't touch it.

That's the second time
that's happened to me.

This water thing's great.

I'm urinating right now.

Adult swim, next five minutes.

Stay between the buoys.

I packed your lunch. Danish is in there

and I picked the raisins
out just the way you like it.

Don't forget, your nasal
spray is in your saddle-bag...

- Beans!
- ...and your moisturising lotion...

- Now, Beans! We've talked about this.
- Lotion?

That's for my gun.
That's gun lotion.

Sheriff, where are you headed?

There's trouble
down a dry creek.

Bad Bill's been acting up again.

Now, honey,
you come back with all your digits.

And don't go trying to be a hero.

Beans, you are missing the point.

I got an image to protect now.

Where's my Tic Tacs?

- I found them.
- What's going on?

Well, in order to satisfy
the needs of the collective,

the hero must abandon the self

and solidify his image as an icon
that will forever be remembered.

So, this is the sunset shot.

Give them a good one, amigo.

Ready, Excelsior?

My fellow comrades.

There will be times
when you doubt yourself.

When you feel pummelled
by the cataclysms of life,

remember this moment. Remember me.

Know that I will be there watching you,

sometimes at inappropriate moments.

That's part of the deal.

And remember, within all of us resides

the true Spirit of the...

Let's take it from the top.