Raising Arizona (1987) - full transcript

My name is H.I. McDunnough.

Call me Hi.

The first time I met Ed...

was in the county lockup, in
Tempe, Arizona.

Don't forget his profile, Ed.

Turn to the right!

The day I'll never forget.

Turn to the right!

What kind of name is Ed, for
a pretty thing like you?

Short for Edwina.
Turn to the right!

You're a flower, you are.



Just a little desert flower.

Let me know how those come out.

Now, prison life is very
structured...

more than most people care for.

But there is a spirit of
camaraderie...

that exists between the men...

like you find only in combat,
maybe...

or, on a pro ball club, in the
heat of the pennant drive.

Grrrr!

In an effort to better
ourselves...

we were forced to meet with a
counselor...

who tried to help us figure out
why we were the way we were.

All he wanted was a hot roll
and butter.

So...



why do you use the word
"trapped"?

Huh?

Why do you say you feel trapped
in a man's body?

Well, sometimes I get the
menstrual cramps, real hard.

Have you learned anything, Hi?

Yes, sir.
You bet.

You wouldn't lie to us, would
you?

No, ma'am.
Hope to say.

Okay, then.

I tried to stand up and fly
straight...

but it wasn't easy with that
sumbitch Reagan...

in the White House.

I don't know.

They say he's a decent man,
so...

maybe his advisers are confused.

Turn to the right.

What's the matter, Ed?

My fiance left me.

She said her fiance had run
off...

with a student cosmetologist...

who knew how to ply her feminine
wiles.

The sumbitch.

Don't forget his phone call, Ed.

Tell him, I think he's a damn
fool, Ed.

You tell him I said so...

H.I. McDunnough...

and if he wants to discuss it,
he knows where to find me.

In the Maricopa County Maximum
Security...

Correctional Facility for Men...

State Farm Road Number 31,
Tempe, Arizona!

I'll be waitin'!

I'll be waitin'.

I can't say I was happy to be
back inside...

but the flood of familiar sights,
sounds, and faces...

almost made it feel like a
homecoming.

Most men your age Hi, are getting
married and raising up a family.

Well, factually...

They wouldn't accept prison as
a substitute.

Would any of you men care to
comment?

Well...

sometimes your career has got
to come before family.

Work's what's kept us happy.

I tried to sort through what
Doc Schwartz had said...

but prison ain't the easiest
place to think.

When there was no meat, we ate
fowl.

When there was no fowl, we ate
crawdad.

When there was no crawdad to
be found, we ate sand.

You ate what?
We ate sand.

You ate sand?
That's right.

Well, Hi, you've done served
your twenty months...

and seeing as how you never
use live ammo...

we got no choice but to return
you to society.

These doors gonna swing wide.

I didn't want to hurt anyone,
sir.

Hi, we respect that.

But you're just hurting yourself...

with this rambunctious behavior.

I know that, sir.

Okay, then.

I don't know how you come down...

on the incarceration question...

whether it's for rehabilitation
or revenge...

but I was beginning to think...

revenge is the only argument
makes any sense.

Show the tattoo!

Turn to the right!

Don't forget his fingers, Ed.

Hear about the paddy wagon...

that collided with the cement
mixer, Ed?

Twelve hardened criminals
escaped.

Ha ha!
I heard that one.

Got a new beau?

No, Hi.
I sure don't.

Don't worry.
I paid for it.

They say that absence makes
the heart grow fonder.

And for once, they may be
right.

You missed a spot.
Rrr!

More and more, my thoughts
turned to Ed...

and I finally felt it.
The pain of imprisonment.

Mama would throw the live
crawdad...

in a pan of boiling water.

One day, I decided to make my
own crawdad...

and I threw it in a pot without
the water, you see?

And it was just like making
popcorn.

Yeah, the joint is a lonely
place...

after lockup and lights out...

when the last of the cons...

has been swept away by the
sandman.

But I couldn't help thinking...

that a brighter future lay
ahead...

a future that was only eight
to fourteen months away.

They got a name for people
like you, Hi.

That name is called "Recidivism."

Repeat offender!

Not a pretty name, is it, Hi?

No, sir.
That's one bonehead name...

but that ain't me, anymore.

You're not just telling us
what we want to hear?

No sir, no way.

'Cause we just want to hear
the truth.

Then I guess, I am telling you
what you want to hear.

Didn't we just tell you not
to do that?

Yes, sir.

Okay, then.

Turn to the right!

I'm walking in here on my
knees, Ed...

a free man proposing.

Howdy, Kurt.

And so it was.

Don't forget the bouquet, Ed.

I do.

You bet I do.

Okay, then.

Yay!
Whoo!

Ed's pa staked us to a starter
home...

in suburban Tempe...

and I got a job drilling holes
in sheet metal.

So, we're doing paramedical
work...

in affiliation with the state
highway system.

Not actually practicing, you
understand.

Me and Bill were patrolling
down Nine Mile.

Bill Roberts?
No, not that mother-scratcher.

Bill Parker!

Anyway, we're approaching the
wreck...

and there's this spherical
object...

resting in the highway...

and it's not a piece of the
car.

Most ways, the job was a lot
like prison...

except Ed was waiting at the
end of every day...

and a paycheck at the end of
every week.

Government do take a bite,
don't she?

These were the happy days...

the salad days, as they say.

Ed felt that having a critter
was the next logical step.

It was all she thought about.

Her point was that there was
too much love and beauty...

for just the two of us...

and every day we kept a child
out of the world...

was a day he might later regret
having missed.

That was beautiful.

So we worked at it on the days
we calculated...

most likely to be fruitful...

and we worked at it most other
days, just to be sure.

Ed rejoiced that my lawless
years were behind me...

and that our child-rearing
years lay ahead.

And then the roof caved in.

Hi...

I'm barren!

At first I didn't believe it...

that this woman who looked as
fertile...

as the Tennessee Valley...

could not bear children.

But the doctor explained
that her insides...

were a rocky place where my seed
could find no purchase.

Ed was inconsolable.

We tried an adoption agency.

It's true that Hi has had a
checkered past.

But Ed here, is an officer of
the law, twice decorated...

so we figure, it kind of evens
out.

But biology and the prejudices
of others...

conspired to keep us childless.

Our love for each other was
stronger than ever...

but I premonised no return of
the salad days.

The pizzazz had gone out of
our lives.

Ed lost all interest in both
criminal justice...

and housekeeping.

Soon after, she... tendered
her badge.

Even my job seemed as dry and
bitter...

as a hot prairie wind.

So here's Bill, walking down
Nine Mile...

that's Bill Parker, you
understand.

He's got his sandwich in one
hand...

and the fuckin' head in the
other!

I even caught myself driving
by convenience stores...

that weren't on the way home.

Then, one day...

the biggest news hit the state
since they built the Hoover Dam.

The Arizona Quints was born.

By Arizona Quints...

I mean they was born to a woman
named Florence Arizona.

As you probably guessed...

Florence Arizona is the wife
of Nathan Arizona...

and Nathan Arizona...

well, hell, you know who he is.

So, come on down to Unpainted
Arizona...

where you can get the finest
selection...

in fixtures and appointments...

for your bathroom, bedroom,
boudoir!

And if you can find lower
prices anywhere...

my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

The owner of the largest
chain of unpainted furniture...

and bathroom fixture outlets
throughout the Southwest.

Yep, Florence had been taking
fertility pills...

and she and Nathan had hit the
jackpot.

Now, y'all without sin can cast
the first stone...

but we thought it was unfair
that some should have so many...

while others should have so few.

With the benefit of hindsight...

maybe it wasn't such a hot idea.

But at the time...

Ed's little plan seemed like
the solution...

to all our problems...

and the answer to all our
prayers.

Eight hundred leaf-tables and
no chairs?

You can't sell leaf-tables and
no chairs.

Chairs, you got a dinette set.
No chairs, you got dick!

I asked my wife.
She got more sense.

Miles, alls I know is...

I'm away from the office to
play with my kids...

and everything goes straight
to heck!

I ain't gonna stand for it!

Yeah, if a frog had wings, it
wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin'.

I am sick of your excuses,
Miles.

It is now precisely...

8:45 in the pm.

I'm gonna be down at that store
in exactly twelve hours...

to kick me some butt...

or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

That sounds like Larry.

No, no, no.
Shh. Shh.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Quiet, quiet.

Quiet.

Good boy.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

Quiet, quiet.

That's it.
Good, good.

Quiet.

Yes.

Here's a rattle.

Rattle.
Okay?

Okay, good.

Shh.

Aw...

Shh, shh.

No, no.

Shh. Shh.
Quiet, quiet.

Shh.

Come here.

Aah!

Come here.
Come here.

Why don't you go up and check
on them?

They sound restless.

Oh!

What's the matter?

I'm sorry, honey.
It just didn't work out.

What do you mean it didn't
work out?

Well, they... they started
crying.

They were all over me.

It was kind of horrifying,
honey. Let me in.

Of course they cried.
Babies cry.

What? I know that, now. C'mon
honey, we better leave.

You go right back up there,
and get me a toddler.

I need a baby, Hi. They got
more than they can handle.

Oh, honey, I...

Don't you come back here
without a baby.

Shh.

Shhh.

Beek beek-beek beek-beek.

Christian Dior, my butt.

They pay money for that?

Yes, dear.

How are the kids?

Fine, dear.

Which one'd you get?
I don't know.

Nathan Junior, I think.
Give me here.

Here's the instructions.

Oh...

he's beautiful.

Yep.
He's awful damn good.

I think I got the best one.

I bet they were all beautiful.

All babies are beautiful.

This one's awful damn good,
though.

Don't you cuss around him.

He's fine, he is.

I think it's Nathan Junior.

We are doing the right thing,
aren't we, Hi? I mean...

they had more than they could
handle.

Well, now, honey, we've been
over this and over this.

And here's what's right, and
there's what's right...

and never the twain shall meet.

But don't you think his mama
will be upset...

I mean, overly?

Of course she'll be upset,
sugar, but she'll get over it.

She's got four little babies...

almost as good as this one.

It's like when I was robbing
convenience stores.

I love him so much!

I know you do, honey.

I love him so much!

I know you do.

Oh!

Okay.
Bring him in.

This is it, young Nathan Junior!

You could just feast your eyes
about, old boy!

Don't be so loud around him, Hi.

Damn. I'm sorry, honey.
And don't you cuss around him.

Oh, he don't know a cuss word
from a Shinola.

Well, you see that he don't.

I want to hold him, too.

Well, mind his little fontanel.

Oh, he's all right, he is.

Come on over here, young Nathan
Junior.

I'm gonna show you around.

Looky here, young sportsman.

That there's the kitchen area,
where Ma and Pa chow down.

This here's the TV.

Two hours a day, maximum...

either... either educational,
or football...

so as, you know, you don't
ruin your appreciation...

of the finer things.

And this here is the divan...

for socializing and relaxing
with the family unit.

Yes, sir.

Many's the day we sat there
and said...

"Wouldn't it be nice to have
a youngster here...

to share our thoughts and
feelings?"

He's tired, Hi.

Well, I'll just set you right
there, boy.

Just put those dogs up and take
a load off.

What, are you kidding?
We got us a family, here!

He's a scandal, isn't he?
He's a little outlaw.

No.
He... he... he's a good boy.

He ain't too good.

You can tell by that twinkle
in his eye.

Don't you think we ought to
put him to bed?

No, no.
Hang on, honey.

Let's just preserve the moment
in pictures.

Just one, okay?

I got to tell you...

I'm a little scared, Hi.

How come is that, honey?

Well, we got a baby, Hi.

It's an awful big responsibility.

Honey, could you slide over
a tad...

and raise the nipper up?

I mean, we never done this
before...

and I'm kind of nervous.

You're doing real good, sugar.

I love you, Hi.
We're set to pop here, honey.

Now, you're gonna help, aren't
you?

How's that, honey?
Contribute...

to the management of the child.

Just quiet evenings at home,
together.

You can count on it, honey.

Everything decent and normal,
from here and on, out.

We're set to pop here, honey.

Whoooo-ha!

Okay.

What is she?

Station wagon.
Looks nice.

Merry Christmas.
Open up! It's the police!

Hi, what's going on?

Stay in here.
Open up!

They ain't gonna split up the
family.

Open up, in there!

I'd like to see them try.

Open up! Maybe we'll let you
plea-bargain!

Hi, there!

Oh, Gale!
Oh, make me sick!

Honey, I'd like you to meet...

Gale and Evelle Snoats...

fine a pair as ever "Broke and
entered!"

Boys... this here's my wife.

Ma'am.
Miz McDunnough.

Kind of late for visitors,
ain't it, Hi?

Yeah, but these boys just got
out of the joint...

so, we got to show a little
hospitality.

Well, now, H.I. Looks like you
been up to the devil's business.

Is that a him or a her?

It's a little boy.

Got a name, does he?

So far, we just been using
"Junior."

We call him Junior.

You mean J.R., just like the
TV show?

That's good!

"Welcome home, son."
Where's he been?

Phoenix.
Tulsa.

He was visiting his grandparents.

They're separated.

Would that be your folks, ma'am?

No, I'm afraid not.

You said your folks was dead,
H.I.

We thought Junior should see
their final resting place.

Why don't you boys have a seat?

Hi, it's 2:00 in the morning.

What's that smell?

We don't always smell this way,
Miz McDunnough.

I was just explaining to your
better half, here...

that when we were tunneling
out...

we happened to hit the main
sewer line.

Dumb luck that - and we
followed that...

You mean, you busted out of
jail?

We released ourselves on our
own recognizance.

What Evelle's saying is, we
felt the institution...

no longer had anything to
offer us.

My Lord, he's cute!

He's a little outlaw.
You can see that, Hi.

Now, listen.
You folks can't stay here.

Ma'am?

You just can't stay.

Now, I appreciate your being
friends of Hi and all...

but this is a decent family,
now.

I mean, we got a toddler,
here!

Say, who wears the pants around
here, H.I.?

Ha! Now, Honey, these boys just
got out of the joint...

Don't you "honey" me.

Now, you boys can set a while
and catch up...

but then you be on your way.

Got you on an awful short leash,
don't she, H.I.?

Are they still here?

Yeah.

They're just gonna stay a day
or two, honey.

It's raining out.
They got nowheres to go.

They're fugitives, Hi.

How are we gonna start a new
life, with them around?

Well, honey, you got to have
a little charity.

You know, in Arab lands, you
set out a plate.

Promise, just a day or two.

Tonight and tomorrow, tops.

That night, I had a dream.

I drifted off...

thinking about happiness, birth,
and new life...

but now I was haunted by a
vision of...

He was horrible.

The Lone Biker o' the Apocalypse.

A man with all the powers of
hell at his command.

He could turn the day into
night...

and laid to waste everything
in his path.

He was especially hard on the
little things.

The helpless, and the gentle
creatures.

He left a scorched earth in
his wake...

befouling even the sweet desert
breeze...

that whipped across his brow.

I didn't know where he came
from or why.

I didn't know if he was a dream,
or a vision.

But I feared that I myself had
unleashed him.

For he was the fury that would
be...

as soon as Florence Arizona
found her little Nathan gone.

Father sits at his cabin door...

wiping his tear-dimmed eyes.

For his only son soon shall
walk...

to yonder scaffold rise.

Is he all right?

He's all right.

He was just having a nightmare.

My race is run beneath the sun...

the scaffold now waits for me.

For I did murder that dear
little girl...

whose name was Rose...

Sometimes it's a hard world
for the little things.

No, the missus and the rest of
the kids...

left town to, uh... I ain't
sayin' where.

They'll be back here when we
are a whole family, again.

Mr. Arizona, which toddler was
abducted?

Nathan Junior, I think.

Do you have anything to say
to the kidnappers?

Watch your butts.

Sir, it's been rumored that your
son was abducted by UFOs.

Would you care to comment?
Don't print that, son.

If his mama reads that, she'll
just gonna lose all hope.

Sir, we need to ask you some
more questions.

But, uh, remember, it's still
business as usual...

at Unpainted Arizona.

If you can find lower prices
anywhere...

my name still ain't Nathan
Arizona.

But, sir...

Mr. Byrum here can take your
exemplars while you talk.

Just relax your hand.
I'll do the work.

What is this?
I didn't steal the damn kid.

Sir, these men are with the FBI.

Are you boys crazy?

Alls I know is I wake up and
my wife's screaming.

We need to distinguish your
prints...

from the perpetrator, if they
left any.

Of course.
I know that.

Sir, we have an indication...

you were born Nathan Huffheinz.

Is this correct?

Yeah, I changed my name.
What of it?

Can you give us an indication
why?

Yeah.
Would you buy furniture...

at a store called Unpainted
Huffheinz?

Alright, I'll get to the point.

Was the child wearing anything
when he was abducted?

Nobody sleeps naked in this
house.

I am asking the questions,
officer.

If we're goint to put out an
APB, I'm-a need a description.

We're better trained...

to intervene in a crisis
situation.

What was he wearing?

A dinner jacket.
What do you think?

He was wearing his damn jammies.

Child was wearing his jammies.
You happy?

Do you have any disgruntled
employees?

Hell, they're all disgruntled.

I ain't running a damn daisy
farm.

My motto is "Do it my way, or
watch your butt."

It might have been an employee?

Don't make me laugh.
Without my say-so...

they wouldn't piss with their
pants on fire.

What did the pajamas look like?

I don't know.
They were... jammies!

They had Yodas and shit on 'em!

Get your damn feet off my
coffee table!

Ron, you are upsetting the
victim!

Dammit, are you boys gonna chase
down your leads...

or you're sit around drinking
coffee in the one house...

in the state where I know my
boy ain't at?

Well sir, we don't have any leads
yet, aside from the coat.

Give me that!
That's a $500 camel's hair coat!

Sir, you might want to wash
your hands, at this point.

Goddamn it!

No leads? Everyone leaves
microbes and whatnot.

Hell, that's your forte, ain't it?

Trackin' down them microbes left
by criminals and commies and shit.

That's your whole goddamned
raison d'etre, ain't it?

No leads?
I want Nathan Junior back...

or whichever the hell one of
'em they took!

He's out there, somewhere.
Something leads to him.

And anyone can find him knows
the difference...

between a lead and a hole in
the ground!

Awful good cereal flakes, Miz
McDunnough.

Why ain't you breast-feed him?

You appear to be capable.

Mind your own business.

Ma'am, you don't breast-feed
him...

he'll hate you for it, later.

That's why we wound up in
prison.

Anyway, that's what Doc Schwartz
tells us.

Boys.

Mornin', Hi.

Hi?

Oh, yeah.

Uh... say, boys...

you wouldn't mind making
yourself scarce...

for a couple of hours this
afternoon, would you?

We're having some decent
friends over.

What Ed means to say is...

seein' as you two boys are
wanted...

wouldn't exactly do to have
folks seein' you here.

It's for your own protection.

Sure, H.I.

Anything you say, Hi.

As a matter of fact honey, I
think...

I'm gonna skip this little
get-together myself.

Glen won't mind. I'll just duck
out with the boys...

knock back a couple of
Coca-Colas.

Sure, H.I.

We'd love to have you, Hi.

Maybe that ain't such a swell
idea, either.

So many social engagements...

so little time.

Where's that baby?
Where's he at?

Go find him, honey!

Cut it out, Glen!

He's asleep, right now.

Shit!
I hope we didn't wake it.

Can I sneak a peek-a-loo?

Come on, kids!

Get away from Mr. McDunnough's
car!

Oh!

What's his name?

Uh...

Uh, Hi... Junior...

till we think of a better one.

Well, why don't you call him
Jason?

I just love biblical names.
If I had another little boy...

I'd name him Jason, Caleb, or
Tab.

Oh, he's an angel!

He's an angel straight from
heaven!

Honey, I had my kids the hard
way.

Tell me how you got this little
angel?

Did he fly straight down from
heaven?

You're gonna send him to
Arizona State.

Bam!
Bam!

Need a beer, Glen?

Does the Pope wear a funny hat?

Yeah, I guess it is kind of
funny.

Say, that reminds me.

How many Polacks it take to
screw up a light bulb?

I don't know.
One?

Nope, it takes three.

Wait a minute.
No, I told it wrong.

Here, I'm starting again.

How come it takes three Polacks
to screw up a light bulb?

I don't know, Glen.

'Cause they're so darn stupid!

Shit, man, listen up.
Don't you get it?

No, Glen, I sure don't.

I guess that's why they call
it a way-homer.

Why?

You only get it on the way home.

I'm already home, Glen.

You wet yourself!
You wet yourself!

Mr. McDunnough wet himself,
Daddy!

Say, that remind me. How'd you
get that kid so darn fast?

Me and Dot went in to adopt...

on account of something went
wrong with my semen.

They said we had to wait five
years for a healthy, white baby.

I said, healthy white baby, "Five
years? Okay, what else you got?"

They said they got two Koreans...

and a negro born with his heart
on the outside.

It's a crazy world.

Someone ought to sell tickets.

Sure, I'd buy one.

That Buford's a sly one.

He already knows his ABCs.

Watch this.

Hit the deck, boy!

But like I'm sayin', how'd you
get the kid?

This whole thing is just who
knows who.

Then over here you have
favoritism.

Ed has a friend at one of the
agencies.

Maybe she can do something for
me and Dot.

There's something wrong with
my semen.

That reminds me, what you gonna
name it?

Ed.
Ed Junior.

But I thought you said it was
a boy.

Well, as in "Edward."
We just like that name.

Yeah, that's a good one.

I don't need another kid...

but Dot says these are getting
too big to cuddle.

Say, that reminds me.

Mind you don't cut yourself,
Mordecai.

Then there's the "Diphtheria-Tetanus",
what they call the "dip-tet".

You got to give them "dip-tet"
boosters yearly...

or else they'll develop lockjaw
and night vision.

Then there's the smallpox
vaccine...

chicken pox, and measles.

If your kid's anything like
ours...

you'll have to get those shots
yourself first...

before he'll ever take them.

Who's your pediatrician, anyway?

We ain't exactly fixed on one
yet, have we, Hi?

No, I guess we don't have one,
yet.

Jesus! You got to have one, you
got to have one, this instant!

Yeah. What if the baby gets
sick, honey?

Even if he don't get sick, he's
got to have his dip-tet.

He's got to have his dip-tet,
honey.

Have you started his bank
accounts, yet?

Have we done that?
We got to do that, honey.

What's that for?

That there is for his orthodontia
and his university.

Soak his thumb in iodine...

you might get by without
orthodontia.

Won't knock a thing off the
university.

Ray, take that diaper off
your head...

put it back onto your sister!

Anyway. You probably got the
life insurance...

all squared away.

Have we done that yet, honey?

Got to do that, Hi.

Ed here 's got her hands full
with this little angel.

Yes, ma'am.

What would Ed and little angel
do if a truck...

splattered your brains all over
the interstate?

Yeah, honey.
What if you get run over?

Or you got carried off by
a twister?

Say, you hear about the person
of Polish persuasion...

he walks into a bar with a big
pile of shit in his hands...

and he says, "Look what I
almost stepped in."

Yeah, that's funny.

You're damn right it's funny.

Shit, what's the matter?

I don't know.

Maybe it's a wife, kids,
family life.

I mean...

Are you... are you satisfied,
Glen?

Don't you ever feel suffocated?

Like, there's something big
pressing down?

Yeah, I do know that feeling.

I don't know.

And I told Dot to lose some
weight...

but she don't want to listen.

No, man, I know what you mean.

You got all these responsibilities
now.

You're married, you got a kid.

It looks like your whole life
is set down...

and where's the excitement?

Yeah, that's it.

That's a disease, but you got
a cure.

Dr. Glen is here to tell you
that you can heal thyself.

What do I got to do?

Just broaden your mind a little.

Say, if I asked you, what do
you think about Dot?

She's a fine woman you got there.

You might not know it to look
at her...

but she's a hellcat.
T-i-g-e-r.

What's that got to do...

Now, don't rush me.

The thing about Dot is...

She told me this.

She thinks... she thinks you're
cute.

Yeah?

I'm crappin' you negative...

and I could say the same thing
about Ed.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?
I'm talking about sex, boy.

What the hell are you talking
about?

I'm talking about I'amour.

I'm talking me and Dot are
swingers...

as in "to swing. "

I'm talking about wife-swapping.

I'm talking about what they call
nowadays "Open Marriage."

I'm talking about...

Keep your goddamn hands off
my wife.

I was only trying to help!

You crazy!
You're crazy, man!

Keep your goddamn hands off
my wife!

You're crazy!
I pity you!

We finally go out with some
decent people...

and you break his nose.
That ain't too funny.

His kids thought it was funny.

Well, they're just kids.

You're a grown man, with
responsibilities.

Whatever possessed you?

He was provoking me.

How?

Never mind.

But Hi, he's your foreman.
He's gonna fire you, now.

Well, I expect he will.

And where does that leave the
three of us?

Where does that leave our
entire family unit?

With a man for a husband.

That ain't no answer.

Honey, that's the only answer.

That ain't no answer.

Just a man for a husband.

Nathan needs some Huggies.

I'll be out directly.

Mind you stay strapped in.

Wake up, son.

I'll be taking these Huggies
and whatever cash you got.

"No, no, not by the hair on
my chinny-chin-chin..."

said the little pig.
Oh! Look at him.

Look at him.

"Then I...

Then I'll huff and I'll puff...

and I'll blow your house in."

That sumbitch.

That son of a bitch...

You son of a bitch!

Better hurry it up.
I'm in Dutch with the wife.

You son of a bitch!

Come on, now!

Honey?

That sumbitch.

Hold on, Nathan.
We're gonna go pick up Daddy.

Son, you got a panty on your
head.

Just drive fast, a'right?

Oh, wait.
There's the wife.

Honey!

Grab the baby, now!

Hang on, Nathan.
We're gonna take a shortcut.

Can I stop now?

Thank you.

That's private property, son.

Come out to the street and
reveal yourself.

Son of a bitch.

Thank you, honey, but you
really didn't have to do this.

You son of a bitch!
What if we'd been picked up?

Turn left here.

Nathan Junior would have been
accessory to armed robbery.

It ain't armed robbery, if the
gun ain't loaded.

What kind of home life is this
for a toddler?

You're supposed to be an example.

A what?
Businessman?

I never postured myself as
a three-piece-suit type!

Turn right, honey.

We got a child now.
Everything's changed.

Nathan Junior accepts me for
what I am...

and I think you better had,
too.

I'm okay, you're okay.
That there's what it is.

I know, but, honey...

I come from a long line of
frontiersmen...

Oh, here it is, dear.
Turn here.

I'm not gonna live this way, Hi.

It just ain't family life!

Well, it ain't Ozzie and
Harriet.

You two are leaving tomorrow
morning.

I got nothing against you
personally...

but you're wanted by the
authorities...

and you're a bad influence in
this household.

Well, ma'am...

we sure didn't mean to influence
anybody.

And if we did, we apologize.

I'm going in town tomorrow to
see about shots for the baby.

When I come back, you better
be gone.

What's he need, his dip-tet?

I'm awful sorry, boys, but,
when Ed gets mad...

you know, she gets an idea.

There ain't a thing to apologize
for, H.I.

Seems pretty clear what the
situation is, here.

Yeah. I guess the missus wants
us to clear out.

Now, H.I., if you'll pardon me
for sayin' so...

I get the feelin' that this here
ain't exactly workin' out.

Edwina's generally a real
sweetheart.

And as per usual, I wouldn't
be surprised...

if the source of the marital
friction weren't financial.

As a matter of fact... I did
lose my job today.

Oh, Hi, you're young and got
your health.

What do you want with a job?

I'd rather light a candle than
curse your darkness.

Now, as you know...

Evelle and I never go anywhere
without there's a purpose.

And here we are in your little
domicile.

We come to invite you in on a
little score.

A bank, H.I.
Come on, now!

I know you're partial to
convenience stores...

but damn it, H.I...

the sun don't rise and set on
the corner grocery.

It's like Doc Schwartz says.

You got to have a little
ambition.

We just watchin' on the news...

how somebody went and snatched
one of them Arizona babies.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.

That's somebody who's thinking
big.

Here you are sitting on your
butt...

playing house with a...

don't get me wrong, with a
fine woman...

but a woman who needs a
button-down type.

I don't particularly think
that's any of your...

Hold on, H.I.
Now, looky there.

That's a picture of El Dorado.

The locals call it...

the "Farmers & Mechanics Bank
of La Grange."

Looks like a hayseed bank.

To tell you the truth, it is
a hayseed bank...

except the last Friday of every
financial quarter...

there's more cash in that bank
than flies at a barbecue.

Guess what day it is tomorrow?

When all the hayseeds come in...

and cash their farm subsidies
checks.

A-1 information.

Got it in the joint from
Lawrence Spivy...

one of Dick Nixon's Undersecretary
of Agriculture.

He's in for soliciting sex from
a state trooper.

Ordinarily we don't associate
with that type...

but he was trying to make a few
brownie points.

Boys, I can't.

We need someone handy with a
scatter-gun...

to cover them hayseeds while
we get that cash.

You understand, H.I.?

If this works out, it's just
the beginning...

of a spree to cover the entire
Southwest.

And we keep going until we can
retire...

or we get caught.

Either way, we're fixed for
life.

Boys, this is a kind offer,
but...

if you're suggesting I just up
and leave Ed...

that would be pretty damn cowardly,
wouldn't it?

Would it?
Think about it, H.I.

Seems to me, sitting here, you
ain't doing her any good...

and you ain't bein' true to your
own nature.

"My dearest Edwina...

tonight as you and Nathan
slumber...

my heart is filled with anguish.

I hope that you will both
understand...

and forgive me for what I have
decided I must do.

By the time you read this, I
will be gone.

I will never be the man that
you want me to be...

the husband and father that
you and Nathan deserve.

Maybe it's my upbringing.

Maybe it's just that my genes
got screwed up.

I don't know...

but the events of the last
day...

have showed amply...

that I don't have the strength
of character...

to raise up a family...

in the manner befitting a
responsible adult.

I say all this to my shame.

I will love you always...

truly and deeply...

but I fear that if I stay...

I would only bring bad trouble...

on the heads of you and Nathan
Junior.

I feel the thunder gathering,
even now.

If I leave...

hopefully, it will leave
with me.

I cannot tarry.

Better I should go...

send you money...

and let you curse my name.

Your loving...

Herbert."

Mr. Arizona, he just barged in.

Should I call Dwayne?

Hell, no.
Why wake the security guard?

I'll take care of this.

You got flies.

I doubt it.

This place is climate-controlled.

All the windows are sealed.

Who the hell are you?

Smalls.

Leonard Smalls.

My friends call me Lenny... but
I got no friends.

Oh, stop. You're gonna make me
bust out cryin'.

Leonard, you want some furniture
or a shit box...

they're out there on the sales
floor.

I'm not a customer.

I'm a manhunter.

Now, of course, I do hunt babies,
on occasion.

I hear you've got one you can't
put your hand, to.

What do you know about it?

That's my business.
I'm a tracker.

Some say, part hound dog.

When some dink busts out of the
joint, skips bail...

I'm the one they call.

Mister...

I got the cops, state troopers,
Federal B.I...

already looking for my boy.

Now, if you got information...

Cops won't find your boy.

A cop couldn't find his butt,
if he had a bell on it.

You want to find an outlaw,
you call an outlaw.

You want to find a Dunkin'
Donuts, call a cop.

Smalls, first off, get your
damn feet off my furniture!

Second off, it's widely known...

I posted a twenty-five-grand
reward for my boy.

Now, if you can find him,
claim it.

Short of that... what have we
got to talk about?

Price... fair price.

It's not what you say it is.
It's what the market will bear.

Simple economics.

Other people - and mind you, I
know them...

that'll pay more than $25,000
for a healthy baby.

What are you after?

Give you an idea.

Why, as a pup, I myself fetched
$30,000 on the black market...

them was 1954 dollars.

Now, for fifty grand, I'll
track him.

I'll find him.

Them people that took him...

I'll kick their butts.

No extra charge.

And if I don't pay?

I'll get the boy, regardless...

but if you don't pay...

the market will.

You want to know what I think?

I think you're an evil man.

I think this is nothing but
a goddamn screw job.

I think it's a shakedown.

I think you're the one that
took Nathan Junior...

and you're the one that's gonna
get his butt kicked.

I'm gonna phone the cops, right
now.

Up and at 'em!

Today's the first day of the
rest of your life.

Already you're messing it up.

Missus gonna be back from
town, soon.

Where's the baby?

In the bedroom, in his crib.

He's sawin' toothpicks.
He'll be fine.

You expecting anyone?

No.

Ugh...

You two stay out of sight.

Mornin', Glen.

I ain't comin' in.
I'll just keep my distance.

I didn't invite you in, Glen.

Don't even bother.

First off, you're fired.
And that's official.

I kind of figured that, Glen.

That ain't the reason I come
out here.

No. You're in a whole shitload
of trouble!

Why don't you just calm down?

Why don't you just make me?

You know that little baby
you got?

I know what his real name is.

Keep your voice down, Glen.

I'll pitch my voice wherever
I please!

His name ain't Hi Junior, or
Ed Junior...

but it's Junior, all right!

It's Nathan Junior!

Stay away from me, McDunnough!

Yeah, you're an awful big man...

when you got something to clobber
a guy with.

I ain't a big man.

That's right.

And now, you're at my mercy.

I'm your worst nightmare.

I was just gonna turn you in
for the reward...

but Dot wants something to
cuddle.

So we'll call the baby "Glen
Junior" from now on.

I'll give you a day to break
the news to Ed.

Dot will be around tomorrow,
to pick him up.

Either that, or you go to jail.

Say, that reminds me.

You'll be getting a doctor bill
in the mail in a few days.

I recommend you pay it!

What's going on here?

You know what's going on.
It's just business.

This can go hard or easy, H.I.

My sweet Lord!

Come on.

Comin' round the mountain when
she comes...

oh, when she comes.

She'll be comin' round the
mountain...

when she comes.

Good!

Honey, there ain't a thing to
be worried about.

We're absolutely
gonna get him back.

We'll get him back.
That's all there is to it.

I'm gonna be a better person,
from here on out.

That's final. That's absolutely
the way it's gonna be.

That's official.
You were right, I was wrong.

A blind man could tell you that.

They ain't gonna hurt him.

They're just in it for the
score.

I ain't like that no more.
I'm a changed man.

We got a family. I'm gonna
start acting responsibly.

So let's go, honey.

Let's go get Nathan Junior!

All have chicken and dumplings.

Yeah, we'll all have chicken
and dumplings...

when she comes!

Yee-hoo!

I lo-o-ove to drive.

Boy, you sure said something
there, partner.

Yes, sir.

I figure between the ransom
and this bank...

you and I will be sitting in
the fabled catbird seat.

Gale... um...

Junior just had a... an accident.

What's that, partner?

He had himself a little ol'
accident.

What do you mean?
He looks okay.

No, see, moving, though we
are...

he just went ahead and had
himself a little ol' rest stop.

Well, that's natural.

Gale?

What now, little brother?

He smiled at me.

You smiled at me, you.
Come here. Yeah.

You know how to put these on?

Around the butt and up over
the groin area.

I know where they go, old-timer.

I just want to know whether I
need to use pins, or fasteners.

No. They got those tapettes
already on there.

It's self-contained and fairly
explanatory.

Uh-huh.

Balloons!

These blow up into funny shapes?

Well no, unless round is funny.

I'll take those, too.

All right, now!

Now, you just lie down back
there, old-timer.

Yes, sir!

I want you to count up to eight
hundred twenty-five...

then on back down to zero.

Okay, then.

I'm comin' back in five...

and check to see that you
ain't cheatin'.

Open the door!

He's real cheerful, once he
warms up to you.

I don't know how high this one
can count.

Six Mississippi...

seven Mississippi...

eight Mississippi...

nine Mississippi...

Got some baby grub, baby wipes.

Got them diapers, them
disposable kind.

I got me a packet of balloons.

They blow up into funny shapes?

No.
Just circular.

Say... where's Junior?

Didn't you put him in?
I thought...

Where did we leave him?

No!

My baby!

Eight hundred one Mississippi.

Eight hundred Mississippi...

Junior!

We're on the way!

Seven hundred and ninety-one...

Aw, bullshit!

Seven hundred and ninety-aught
Mississippi...

seven hundred eighty-seven
Mississippi...

Oh, baby!
Oh, baby.

Seven hundred eighty-five
Mississippi...

Promise we ain't never gonna
leave him, Gale.

We ain't never gonna give him
up again, Evelle.

He's our little Gale Junior,
now.

Ed...

I realize...

I can't be much of a comfort
to you now...

but let me just say this.

You'll feel a whole lot better...

I don't want to feel better.
Honey.

I don't care about myself,
anymore.

I don't care about us, anymore.

I just want Nathan Junior
back safe.

I know that.

If we don't get him back, I
don't want to go on living.

Even if we do get him back,
I don't want to live with you.

I guess I still love you, Hi.

I... I know I do.

I ain't even blamin' you.

The whole thing was crazy, and
the whole thing was my idea.

Well, factually, I, myself bear
a large percentage...

Let me finish.

Ever since those jailbirds
took Nathan...

I been doin' some thinkin', and
I ain't too proud of myself.

Even if Mrs. Arizona had more
than she could handle...

I was a police officer sworn
to uphold...

the Constitution of the United
States.

You resigned before we ever...

That ain't the point, Hi.

We don't deserve Nathan Junior...

any more than those jailbirds do.

If I'm as selfish and
irresponsible as you...

You're not that bad.

If I'm as bad as you, what
good are we to each other?

You and me's just a fool's
paradise.

There she is.
Yep.

Well, let's do her.

What are we gonna do with
Gale Junior?

He stays here.

Are you crazy?

Suppose we go in there and get
ourselves killed?

It would be hours before he
gets discovered.

All right, you hayseeds, it's
a stickup!

Everybody freeze.

Everybody down on the ground.

Well, which is it, young
feller?

You want I should freeze, or
get down on the ground?

I mean to say, if'n I freeze,
I can't rightly drop.

If'n I drop, I'm gonna be in
motion.

Shut up!
Okay, then.

Everybody down on the ground!

Forget that part about freezing,
now.

Till they get down there.
Y'all hear that, don't you?

Want to fill this up, partner?

We gotta... shit!

Where'd all the tellers go?

Down here, sir.

They're on the ground, like you
commanded, Gale.

I told you not to use my damn
name.

Can't you try to keep from
forgetting that?

Not even your code name?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
My code name.

Y'all hear that?
We're using code names.

We're just about ready to
begin the robbery proper!

Yee-haw!

Hurry up, you dang hayseed!

All right. Now, y'all know how
this here works.

And that hayseed over there
with the red hat...

he's the monitor.

Okay, you betcha.

I want you to stay flat for ten
full minutes!

We might just come back in five
to check.

That's for us to know, and y'all
to find out.

Anyone found bipedal in five,
wears his ass for a hat.

Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!

Yee-hoo!

That old-timer threw off my
concentration...

otherwise, it would've gone
smoother.

Shoot, Gale, we done good.

This ought to split up nice
three ways.

God damn it!
You never leave a man behind!

Whoa!

Wah!

Ohh... ohh...

Where's the baby?
Where's the baby?

Goddamn it! Ain't we got enough
to contend with?

I don't know, ma'am.

You never leave a man behind!

Miz McDunnough, I'm worried
sick about him!

Hold on, H.I.
Don't be such a hothead!

H.I.!

Miz McDunnough!

Let us come with you!
Please!

It's our baby, too!

What is he?

Do you see him, too?

Arrgh!

Give me that baby!

I want that baby!

Give me that baby, you warthog
from hell!

Just lay down on the floor,
young missy.

Run along, now, honey.

But, Hi...

Just run along, now.
Whoa!

Oh-ho!

I'm sorry.

What the hell's goin' on?

Get away from there!

Let's go.

Wait a minute!

I ain't through with you.

What are you doing creeping
around here in the dark?

You in with Smalls?

Excuse me?

Leonard Smalls.
Big fella.

Rides a Harley?

Dresses like a rock star?

No, sir.
That's who we saved him from.

It's a long story.

Suppose you tell it.

Well, sir, in a reward
situation...

they usually say "No questions
asked."

Oh... do they?

Yeah.

Well...

all right, boy.

I guess you got a reward coming.

Twenty-five thousand dollars...

or...

if you need home furnishings...

I can give you a line of credit
at any of my stores.

That's the way I'd rather handle
it. Tax reasons.

We don't want no reward.

We didn't bring him back for
money.

We could work it that way, too.

Could I just look at him a
little bit more?

Be my guest, little lady.

But, uh...

would... would you mind
telling me exactly how you...

You took him... didn't you?

Wasn't that biker, at all.

I took him, sir.

My wife had nothing to do
with it.

I crept in yon window, and...

We both did it.

We didn't want to hurt him any.

I just wanted to be a mama.

It wasn't for money, or nothing.

We just figured you had more
than you could handle, babywise.

But I the one committed the
actual crime...

so, if you need to call the
authorities...

Shut up, boy. Nobody's calling
the authorities...

since there's no harm done.

Thank you, sir.
Aw, bullshit.

Just tell me why you did it.

We...

can't have one of our own.

Well...

look, if you can't have kids,
you just got to keep trying...

and hope medical science catches
up with you...

like Florence and me.

Caught up with a vengeance.

But, hell, even if it never
does for you...

you still got each other.

Sir, those are kind words,
but...

I think the wife and I are
splitting up.

Her point is that we're both
kind of...

selfish and unrealistic...

so, we ain't too good for each
other.

Well, ma'am, I don't know much...

but I do know human beings.

You brought back my boy...

so... you must have your good
points, too.

Sure hate to think of Florence
leaving me.

I... do... love her so.

Ahem.

You can go out the way you
came in...

and before you go off and do
another foolish thing...

like bustin' up...

I suggest you sleep on it...

at least one night.

That night I had a dream.

I dreamt I was as light as the
ether...

a floating spirit visiting
things to come.

The shades and shadows of the
people in my life...

rassled their way into my slumber.

I dreamt that Gale and Evelle
had decided to return to prison.

Probably that's just as well.

I don't mean to sound superior...

and they're a swell couple
guys...

but maybe they weren't ready
yet to come out into the world.

And then I dreamed on...

into the future...

to a Christmas morn in the
Arizona home...

where Nathan Junior was opening
a present...

from a kindly couple...

who preferred to remain unknown.

I saw Glen a few years later...

still having no luck getting
the cops to listen...

to his wild tales about me
and Ed.

Maybe he threw in one Polack
joke too many.

I don't know.

And still I dreamed on...

further into the future than
I'd ever dreamed before...

watching Nathan Junior's
progress from afar...

taking pride in his
accomplishments...

as if he were our own...

wondering if he ever thought
of us...

and hoping maybe we'd broadened
his horizons a little...

even if he couldn't remember
just how they got broadened.

But still I hadn't dreamt nothing
about me and Ed...

until the end.

And this was cloudier...

'cause it was years... years
away...

but I saw an old couple being
visited by their children...

and all their grandchildren,
too.

The old couple wasn't screwed
up...

and neither were their kids,
or their grandkids.

Dad.

And I don't know.
You tell me.

This whole dream...

was it... wishful thinking?

Was I just fleeing reality,
like I know I'm liable to do?

But me and Ed...

we can be good, too.

And it seemed real.

It seemed like us...

and it seemed like...

well...

our home.

If not Arizona, then a land
not too far away...

where all parents are strong
and wise and capable...

and all children are happy
and beloved.

I don't know.

Maybe it was Utah.