Raindogs (2004) - full transcript
Four young crooks steal a Da Vinci painting in exchange for the insurance money. They create an elaborate heist, which proves more difficult to accomplish than they first thought.
[soft music]
[water lapping]
[light acoustic guitar music]
♪ No doubt
♪ You're gonna be thinking
♪ I've run out
♪ That's where
you're so mistaken ♪
♪ You take me to a high
♪ Of just no other kind
- It was all supposed
to be nice and easy,
a piece of piss.
Centuries of decay and ruin.
The Duke's edifice
was full of 700 years
of thieving and robbing.
It was sickening.
All that money hanging from
walls that had been built
on spoils of slavery
and gun running.
Now, the new Duke
was hard up for cash
and had devised a
way of paying off
his dear old dead Dad's debts.
And this is a da Vinci?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
It's lovely, how
much is it worth?
- It's insured for
30 million pounds.
- Is it?
Cord's a wee bit frayed.
You might wanna
replace it just in case
it falls over and you
have to make a claim.
[light rock music]
[singer vocalizing]
♪ I sing it out loud
to a waiting crowd ♪
♪ The mask falls from
my face like a stone ♪
♪ Thoughts flicker in me
like commercials on TV ♪
♪ In a spotlight, I
stand all exposed ♪
♪ It's a weird masquerade,
a freak show manmade ♪
♪ We're all looking
for something inside ♪
♪ It's a twisted place, one
mind's back street maze ♪
♪ You'll never sure of
what you might find ♪
♪ So look into
these eyes of mine ♪
- [Woman] Make your way back
by following the
signs to the exit.
- Excuse me, darling.
Do you mind helping me find
this really famous painting?
- Aye, sure big man.
I might see that
one too, ya know?
- [Woman] Right, okay.
[mysterious music]
- It's over here.
- [James] She's
fucking falling for it.
[Woman screams]
Shut the fuck up.
[woman screaming]
[ominous music]
[alarm bell rings]
This'll be fucking good
for your sex life darling.
Alright, you'll back it
like a fucking rabbit
after this, believe me.
- How was she?
- Fantastic, lazy
bugger. [cheers]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Don't call me stupid
if I can't understand ♪
♪ Why we fight and steal
and hurt our fellow man ♪
♪ My eyes are open but
somehow I just can't see ♪
♪ That that's the way,
the way it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
- Here they come and
they've got the painting.
- Excellent.
So the one thing they're good at
besides drinking is thieving.
♪ Don't call me darling, those
words you just can't say ♪
♪ First you break my heart
and then you walk away ♪
♪ My eyes are closed and
too dark for me to see ♪
♪ That that's the way,
the way it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
[all cheer]
- Yeah.
- It's a fucking piece of piss.
- I am fucking knackered mate,
oh fuck this for way
to make a living,
I'm fucking retiring
after this job I tell ya.
- You're only fucking 28, man.
- So?
It don't matter mate.
With this baby I am up 750
fucking thousand right.
- Yes.
- Fucking right, boys,
tonight the duke will be
claiming his 30 million.
This time next week
we will have our 10%
split four ways
and wired right in
to our beautiful fat
fucking bank accounts.
- How does that work, Charles?
- IT's all done
by bank transfer,
the Duke can authorize
the money to be paid
from his Swiss account
into the four accounts
I set up for us in the
tropical island of Granada.
- I just fucking, I love
this world, Charles.
I love this fucking world mate,
I just can't wait
to get my hands
on all those beautiful
fucking women.
- Mate you don't have to fucking
go there to get your money.
- I know that but
it sounds to me
as good as fucking
any place to be.
- Fucking right.
- This is the real
fucking thing.
- [cheers] So fucking easy.
[upbeat jazz music]
[upbeat rock music]
[singer vocalizing]
♪ The word is on the streets,
the word is on the streets ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
♪ It's just the, it's
just the, oh the way ♪
♪ Give it to me baby,
give it to me one time ♪
♪ Give it to me baby,
give it to me one time ♪
♪ Give it to me, give
it to me one time ♪
♪ Come on, come on
♪ Now, now, give it to me
baby, give it to me one time ♪
♪ Give it to me baby,
give it to me one time ♪
♪ Give it to me baby,
give it to me one time ♪
♪ That's just the way
- And they walked right
in, just like that?
- News report said it was awful,
he had his hands all
over the poor girl.
He was gonna kidnap her.
- For a painting?
- Not just any painting,
a da Vinci.
- Well now I see what
all the fuss is about,
there's not many of
them around, is there?
- Most valuable painting
ever stolen in Britain.
- God, that's saying
something isn't it?
I wonder if they'll
ever find it?
- We need to get rid of it.
- You better believe it,
it's the only thing that
links us to the heist.
- It's a pity, but I'm
in it for the money.
- We'll deal with it tomorrow.
- What shall we do
with it tonight?
- [Edward] Well William and
James can keep it in their room.
- Wait, no, no, no,
you leave us out of it.
- Yeah, why our room?
- Anyway, we might be
taking some young ladies
back to our room this evening.
And you wouldn't want them
to see it now, would ya?
- Alright, keep
your voices down.
We'll take care of it tonight.
- Good, well 'til then,
excuse us gentlemen.
- Chill out, Charles,
everything's exactly
like we planned.
- Yeah, I suppose so, fuckers,
we're supposed to be property
developers on holiday.
- Waiter, two
bottles of champagne
and another two for them
and the tarts, thank you.
[Heavy rock music]
♪ It was all a lie
♪ The smile on a
spouse that cheats ♪
♪ A two faced friend
that you wanna believe ♪
♪ The gleam in a
politician's eye ♪
♪ Did you hear about Tom
and his only friend ♪
♪ He kept his mask
in a little syringe ♪
♪ You'd never know it
by looking at him ♪
♪ His face hidden
behind a plastic grin ♪
♪ He can be anything to anyone
- [Charles] Can't
do this Edward.
- [Edward] Shut up,
Charles, it's gotta be done.
- Why has it gotta be done?
I want a reason from
each of you why.
- It's in the plan,
we nick the thing,
burn it and collect the money.
- [William] Edward
is right you dodo,
we're sticking to the plan.
- You cannot just fucking burn
a 500 year old masterpiece
on a scummy Scottish beach.
- [William] You can say a
prayer first if you like, mate.
- You're a fucking idiot.
What do you know about art?
- I don't know anything
about art, mate
which is why I'm perfectly
happy to burn that fucking thing
and then the four of us, well,
go for a drink, can't we?
- [Edward] Boys listen,
we're business partners,
it's no time to get sentimental
about the job in hand.
I mean it's a fucking
great piece of art
but is the world
gonna come to an end
if we send it up in smoke?
- Let's think of it as a
peace offering to the gods.
- [Charles] Well you're
a fucking idiot as well.
- Fuck you then.
Do you think I care
about that fucking thing?
I mean look at it, Charles,
it is a piece of shit.
People are fucking crazy,
mate, 30 million for that?
Nah, that's taking
the fucking piss.
- David Beckham's worth that.
- Fuck David Beckham.
Man you can't even put
him in the same league
as Leonardo da Vinci.
- Fucking da Vinci
wouldn't even get a game
for a reserve team in the
Scottish Third Division.
- Fucking rubbish, if da
Vinci played football,
man he'd be with Barcelona.
- Well Beckham's with
fucking Real Madrid,
so that proves he's worth more
than this fucking da Vinci guy.
- Look, da Vinci's not some
glorified fucking nancy boy
with tattoos up his arms,
he's the fucking tattooist.
- Who cares about
fucking tattoos?
- Why don't you two
just shut the fuck up.
Maybe da Vinci is the
all time goal scorer
in the history of fucking
art, who gives a fuck?
It's just another game, right?
- Right, and if
it's just a game,
then we can change
the rules, man.
Way I see it is this-
- I'm not fucking interested
in the way you see it,
we get caught with this
fucker, we get 10 years.
- What's the matter
with you bastard?
Fucking hell, dude,
do you wanna abort the
whole fucking deal?
Guys let's look
at this sensibly.
One, if we destroy the
painting we get fucking paid.
Two, we don't destroy
it but we say we did,
we still get paid.
The only way we're
not gonna get paid
is if that fucking painting
shows up before next week.
And it's not gonna
happen, is it?
- Well it won't, no.
Not unless someone
gets greedy, eh.
- Okay, Let's burn the fucker.
- Yes.
- [Edward] Oh shit.
- [James] Here,
you're the goalie.
- [William] Come on,
over here, here ya are.
- What the fuck?
We've been scammed, William,
wake it up you dozy fucker.
- What does it say?
- Cheapskate bastard.
- Read it to me.
- The painting has
not been insured
to the value of its
estimated worth.
- What?
- Fucking knew it was too
good to be fucking true.
- Shut up.
- The insurance company
has said that only
about three million
will be paid out if
it's not recovered.
- Jesus.
- What the fuck has
Jesus got to do with it?
[whistling]
[relaxed jazz music]
- What was the exact wording
of the deal, Charles?
- 10% of the insurance
claim payout.
- Well you offered
me 750 grand Edward.
- I'll get in touch
with the Duke's men.
- Yeah, those fucking rich
bastards are all the same, mate.
They don't care about the
fucking little man, I tell you.
[all laughing]
Fucking cockroach crawling cunt.
- [Edward] For fuck sake
man, hit the fucker.
- You got something
to fucking say, boy?
- You're a fucking nutter.
- Got something to fucking say?
I'm just sick of all of
his fucking bullshit, mate.
That's all I get
from any of you boys.
And we're supposed
to be buddies.
- We were only playing golf.
- Well I hate it, it's
only a fucking hole.
- Calm down mate, relax man.
Anyway we're all on the same
fucking side here, it's cool.
- Okay, so this is
a blow in, right?
No 750 grand, it's a blow.
- I'm just as hacked
off as you are.
Except I'm taking it out on
that stupid fucking white ball.
- Yeah I'm sorry Edward, I am.
I lost it there, and I've
never played golf before.
- You fucking liar.
Told this lassies last
night he had no handicap
and had eight holes in one.
- Yeah well, I weren't
talking about golf.
- Boy's a natural.
- Gimme some fucking
air here, guys.
- Charles just remind me
how this works again mate
because surely the cops gonna
be reading the Duke's emails?
- We use encryption
software, William.
We communicate using
Hotmail addresses
that can be logged on remotely
with a laptop and a phone line.
- Has he replied?
- The Duke's agent, no.
But I've told him we're
not leaving Scotland
'til the transfer goes through.
- So what now?
- [Edward] We just
keep on the move.
- [Charles] I've
arranged to pick up
two new cars in the morning.
We'll travel in pairs
to our next location.
- [William] Oh,
we've got to be cool.
The cops will know by now
that there's four of us.
- If anyone asks what
you do, your car dealers
taking a week's vacation
to hunt and fish.
- [James] Fish with what?
- You'll be supplied with
the right gear tomorrow.
- What about clothes?
- It's all been taken care of.
- If we're gonna get caught,
it's gonna happen over
the next few days, okay?
You don't ask each other
personal questions,
you don't make calls
to your friends,
and you do not pick up girls.
- Of course.
Our phones are off and
our lips are sealed.
- Alright, good.
- So who's taking
the Leonardo then?
- Well what about
highest card takes it?
Is that alright?
Jamesy.
- Fucking hustler.
[soft music]
What is it with all this
fucking cloak and dagger stuff?
- Look mate, why don't we
just make the best of it?
Tell you what, let's
stop for a drink
and then I'll organize
us a fun night in.
- Seems a good idea, mate.
[soft music]
- Have you ever had these
deals go wrong before?
- Nope, I've always
been paid half up front
and the rest on delivery.
But then again, they've
all been small jobs
compared to this one.
- Really didn't think there'd be
such a fucking fuss about it.
- We're unlucky,
we did it on a day
when nothing else happened.
No bombings, no wars, nothing.
- What is it with the press?
- It's the Leonardo factor.
Guy's been making headlines
since the 16th century.
- Victoria, yeah no I'm in a
fucking payphone somewhere,
no mobiles don't
work up here darling.
Listen, you coming over?
Good, nice, yeah, you gotta
be there by eight though.
Yeah, alright listen,
I want you to bring
three friends with ya.
Yeah, no, no, I don't wanna
see that fucking bird.
Alright, yeah that'll do.
Elizabeth, Mary and who?
Say that again, Anne.
I don't think you ever
mentioned, does she fuck?
Of course darling, don't
you worry about that,
he'll fucking pay her to fuck
him for the rest of his life.
[laughs] Alright listen,
shut up, shut up,
listen, get a pen, I've
got the address for ya.
[duck quacks]
[relaxed jazz music]
[engine revs]
Totally fucking lost, aren't we?
- I think we turned the
wrong way a few miles back.
- Great, get in, dickhead.
[light acoustic guitar music]
[all shouting]
[soft rock music]
♪ Things I don't know
[both moaning]
- [Woman] Gentle.
- [laughs] Never rough.
Get these fuckers off, get off.
[woman breathing heavily]
- Not just another one
of your girls, am I?
- [James] No way, I'm actually
a virgin you know. [laughs]
- Right.
[both moaning]
You're not disease
ridden are you?
- [James] I've never needed
a fucking doctor in my life.
- Good.
[both breathing heavily]
♪ Tell me
♪ Why it is I'm so addicted
to the way you touch me ♪
[both moaning]
♪ Standing on the
edge of things ♪
[both moaning]
♪ Oh
♪ Oh
[both moaning]
♪ Nothing else can
bring me there ♪
♪ To the point
where I don't care ♪
[all laughing]
- Mary.
- Wahey.
- [James] Fuck off.
Fuck off.
- [William] You fucker.
- Go girl.
- Well done.
[all cheering]
- [Women] Go on, Mary.
- Fuck off.
- [William] Go on James.
[all shouting]
Give us a bit as well.
[all laughing]
Come 'ere.
[all shouting]
One, and here comes
the other one.
- No, no, William, no.
- What the fuck's going on here?
- Dickheads.
- Oi, oi, oi.
[all laughing]
Uh, Edward, I'd like
you to meet Victoria.
- Hello handsome.
- And Charles, why don't you
come over and meet Elizabeth.
- Hello.
- She'll show you round.
- Well, I'm married.
- Don't worry, I won't bite.
You can talk to me
about your wife.
- It's on the house.
[Elizabeth laughing]
[soft music]
- William.
- Little Annie.
I've been looking for you.
[both breathing heavily]
Here, you like that
don't you little Annie.
- [Anne] Yeah.
- Yeah.
So what do you do for
a living little Annie?
- [moans] Not so
hard, I'm a nurse.
- Oh, come on.
Don't you want it
hard, little Annie,
little nursie, huh?
- Yes. [moans]
- You been a bad little nursie?
Huh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- There you go, there
you go, there you go.
There you go, there
you go, there you go.
You gonna feel my
thing under the bed?
Have ya?
Yeah, while they lie there.
[both breathing heavily]
There you go, there
you go, there you go.
There you go, there you go.
There you go, there you go.
- William's kept
you well hidden.
- I'm easy to find.
- So I see.
- [Edward] What time do you
have to be back at work?
- Two o'clock, I start the late
shift this week at A and E.
Look, you're a nice guy,
but if you're mixed
up with William
you'll be into some weird shit,
I just did this for the money.
- [Edward] How much?
- 200.
- I'll give you another
200 if you'll see me again.
[Victoria sighs]
- The next time would
have been on the house.
[soft music]
- It's time to go.
- [Edward] Hey.
- What about breakfast?
[soft music]
[singer vocalizing]
- What the fuck have
you done with her?
- [William] Well I told you not
to bring any
crackheads, didn't I?
- Dickhead.
- [Elizabeth] Hey, would
you go easy on her?
- [William] Shut the
door, there you go.
Fuck sake.
- Call me.
- What the fuck, get in
the fucking car, in you go.
- It's usually the married ones
that have the
guilty consciences.
- [William] Off you go.
[engine revs]
- What got in to you?
- This dickhead let one
of them see the painting.
- Oh she's not gonna remember
a fucking thing, is she?
- What the fuck were they
doing here in the first place?
- Relaxation.
- Relaxation?
That Elizabeth nearly
wore my fucking knob off.
[all laughing]
- You sly fucking fox.
You better just hope your
dick doesn't fall off
before you get back to the wife.
- [Edward] That's
three days in a row
we've been on the front page.
- [Charles] Have they
any more clues about us?
- Uh-huh, found the first
car we've abandoned.
- That was on the cards.
It was a hot car
with false plates,
they won't be able to
trace it back to us.
- Good, the client'll feel safe.
- They'll still need
proof that we've
destroyed the painting
before they'll pay up.
- Yeah we'll do it
when we get back,
send them a bit of the
canvas in tonight's post.
- I'll let them know.
- Good, all this hanging
around makes me nervous.
- Me too.
[whistling]
[relaxed jazz music]
- Piece of piss.
At least there's no
fucking lousy midges
at this time of the year, mate.
- James, can I ask you
a personal question?
- No personal questions, orders.
- Oi, listen who got you out
of the fucking trouble mate?
You were supposed to hide
the painting, remember?
It's just as well that
bird was fucking out of it,
or we'd have had to top her.
From now on I'm looking
after the painting.
- You're a fucking drama queen.
So you saved my ass, big wow.
What the fuck have you done
with the painting then?
- Well why don't you
answer my personal question
and I'll show ya.
- What is this, the
fucking "Weakest Link"?
- James I mean, I thought we
were buddies and it hurts.
- You're a fucking pain.
- And I know that
means you love me.
- Like a pimple on my dick.
What's the fucking question?
- All it is, is what
was that Mary like?
- That's not a fucking question,
that is a fucking liberty.
- Yes, so tell me.
Come on, how'd she take it.
- [blows] Front, back,
in, out, fucking up, down.
Any way you want mate.
- I knew it, I fucking, the
moment I saw that girl man
I fucking knew
she was up for it.
- You're a fucking pervert.
- Yes.
- So what have you done
with the painting then?
- Well, I put it somewhere safe.
It's for our guarantee
of getting a fair
and equitable
share of the money.
- You should trust
Charles and Edward.
Cool mate.
- Yeah, listen, that
Charles is on the verge
of a fucking breakdown, alright.
Pretty soon he's gonna
be totally unpredictable
and I assure you
that's the last thing
we want from a fucking ops man.
- I'm telling you William,
right, 15 pound line,
it doesn't jut fucking
snap on you like that man,
the thing must have
been a fucking monster.
- You're just the
fucking bag men,
what have you done with it?
- Boys, let's have a drink.
- Don't fucking
test me, William.
- It's not fucking
funny, William.
- There's no one
laughing, Edward.
Funny though, James and I were
just talking about you two.
- Don't fucking look
at me like that.
I just want to know what
the fuck's going on here.
- Fucking tell him, Edward.
- They're sticking
to giving us 10%.
- How much is that?
- 300 grand.
- What each?
- No between us.
- Oh so that's less than
a hundred grand each then.
- 75,000, minus five grand
each for operation costs.
- You're fucking kidding us.
- What kind of life is 70,000
gonna buy you, Charles?
- Yeah exactly, that
is fucking shit.
- And we'll get nothing
if we don't send the proof
that we've destroyed
the Leonardo.
- Oh for fuck's sake, what's
the fucking matter with you?
Fucking put that away.
You're supposed to be
the brains ain't ya?
The fucking business head, you,
the fucking one
with the leverage.
- A deal's a deal, William.
We made a gentleman's agreement,
10% of the insurance claim
payout, whatever it is.
- Yeah, right, but we're
not fucking gentlemen
are we, Charles?
We're fucking crooks.
- D'you know, even I think yous
are a pair of fucking morons.
We've got the fucking painting.
So just for all
our sakes remind us
how much the fucking
thing is valued at.
- 30 million.
- And they wanna
give us 300 grand.
- Is that taking
the piss or what?
- This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna sell the
painting back to them.
- What?
- You're nuts.
- You're gonna do
the negotiation.
You're gonna Hotmail
these fucking idiots
and you're gonna explain to them
that we are selling the
painting back to them
for one and a half million.
This is fair, it means we
get half of our original deal
and they get to keep half
of their insurance claim.
- They'll never go for that.
- Would you like to bet on it?
- I like it.
- You're gonna go
along with this shit?
- 70,000 is fuck all, Charles.
- How are you gonna get 'em to
pay us a million and a half.
Because we got the
painting, Charles.
The painting's valued
at 30 million pounds,
alright, and they've
got an insurance claim
with three million.
But they only get
that insurance claim
if we don't send the
painting back to them,
'cause if we did then
they'd get nothing.
- If I was them I'd forget
about the fucking
insurance claim,
sell the painting at
auction for 30 million.
- Everything the duke
owns is in trust.
Technically he owns nothing,
he's not allowed
to sell anything.
- Well then a million and a
half's a good deal for him
and he gets his painting back.
- He could collect the payout
then sell the painting
to a private collector.
- A client of mine did that.
The private collector ran it
through a stolen
property register,
then bought in the
FBI and Interpol.
My client got three years.
- Did he get his painting back?
- No, the FBI sold it
at a knock-down price
to cover the
investigation costs.
Guess who bought it?
- Private collector.
- Oh, of course.
- It's up to us, right?
Because whether we send it back,
or whether we destroy
it, it's our call.
- I'm in.
- I'm in too.
- You're a bunch of lunatics.
- Charles, set up a meeting
with the Duke's man.
- Where?
- Somewhere that the cops
and the insurance
investigators can't tail him.
Right boys, where's
the painting.
- Yes William, what
have you done with it?
Lovely.
- Feel better you motherfuckers?
Good, you'll be buying
the drinks then, won't ya?
[energetic guitar music]
[all chattering]
[woman giggles]
- Oh, it's your shot.
- Couple of fucking morons.
- I couldn't agree
with you more.
- What, you're not
with them then?
- No, never seen 'em
before in my life.
They're not local, no?
- One of them's fucking English.
Are you here on holiday?
- Aye, aye, here
for the salmon, yep.
- So are they but there's nae
fucking flys in them. [laughs]
- See you later.
[upbeat rock music]
- Did you see that, Shaun?
He fancies his chances
with your Marianne.
- I know, she's fucking
full of herself tonight,
couple of vodkas, she thinks
she's Jennifer fucking Lopez.
[man laughs]
- They've agreed to meet
us, day after tomorrow.
- Where?
- On a train.
- Uh-huh.
- I'll give you
the details later.
- Cool.
- What the fuck?
They've been in
here half an hour
and they've already
managed to pick up
a pair of sex starved slappers.
- Uh-huh, have you seen the
fucking cave men they belong to?
- Fucking hell, no wonder
they're sex starved.
- Did you say something?
- Yeah I did, you should
get your tarts out of here
before they get fucked
on the pool table.
[woman moaning]
- What did you fucking say?
- You heard, you
small-dicked moron,
get your stupid fat-arsed
drunk bitches out of here
before they get knocked
up by those mean bastards.
♪ Ever stopped to wonder
[woman moans]
[upbeat music]
♪ Now he's burning
♪ Schools are learning
[fists thudding]
- Fucking right, come on.
Fucking right.
[glass shattering]
[all shouting]
[stick cracking]
[indistinct]
[upbeat music]
- Here you go darling,
there's a little
fucking memento for ya.
[indistinct]
[singer vocalizing]
- We can't stay
around here anymore.
- I'll find us a
new place tomorrow.
♪ Don't even know
how to do you harm ♪
♪ Can't even see
their pulse beating ♪
♪ And they're actual long gone
- This is a weird fucking place.
- It's a hunting lodge.
- Are we going hunting?
- You two are, tomorrow, keep
you occupied while we're away.
- Fair enough, where
are we getting guns?
- Gamekeeper'll come
by just after dawn.
Edward and I'll be gone by then.
- We do it like this, Charles
drops me off at the station
about an hour before the
train is due to arrive.
He then drives on about 30
miles to the next station
and waits there to pick me up.
- Why aren't we needed?
- Well we need to draw
as little attention
to ourselves as
possible, don't we?
Also it might be a trap.
The insurance company
could have found out
about the Duke's scam,
to cover his tracks
he might be working
with them and the cops
to recover the painting.
We just don't know.
- Someone also needs to
stay with the Leonardo.
- Okay.
- You're a lot younger
than I expected.
I'm Brown.
- No names please.
Where's the Duke?
- You don't think he'd
agree to meet a criminal?
- It's a bit rich, isn't it?
- Look here, how dare you
make demands on His Grace,
he's a very important man.
- Cut to the chase, Lady Jane.
- My god, how do you
know my real name?
- It's my job.
Are you gonna give us a
million and a half or not?
- We certainly are
not, we agreed 10%.
Against my advice,
His Grace has agreed
to let you have 20%
but not a penny more.
- I hope you've
thought it through.
'cause a lot of papers
would pay a lot of money
to get a story about
a toffee-nosed git
fronting a stolen art scam.
There'd be one
hell of a scandal.
- You don't scare me,
I've dealt with dozens
of petty little
criminals like you.
- I'm sure you have,
but we're talking
Leonardo da Vinci here
and that's something
a bit special.
Don't you think?
[ethereal music]
- Well.
- We're wearing
them down, 600,000.
[whistling music]
[guns pop]
[man groans]
- Fuck, James.
- Oh, you stupid
fucking bastard.
- Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, James,
I am fucking sorry, mate.
- Fuck.
- Oh fuck mate, James i thought
you were a fucking deer.
- You thought I
was a fucking deer?
Do I like look like a
fucking deer you fucker?
- Mate, I'm sorry, come here.
- Oh fuck off, oh you
fucking, fucking, fucker.
- [William] Alright,
calm down mate,
you'll get the fucking
gamekeeper down here.
- What the fuck are you saying?
What you want me
to fucking pretend
I'm not fucking shot you fucker?
- James, it's not
actually that bad, mate.
- It's not that fucking bad?
I've probably got enough
fucking shot in here
to fucking lead the roof
of the fucking Canterbury
fucking cathedral.
- You're just getting
upset, alright now come on.
- Upset, I'm fucking
bleeding to death
and you just think
I'm fucking upset?
- Nothing compared
with Kosovo now is it?
- Oh fuck Kosovo, William.
- [William] Aright listen,
come here, sit down,
let me have a look.
- Oh fuck, oh fucking hell.
- Sit, sit back.
Alright, come on, you'll pass
inspection, boy, up you get.
- Fucking hell man.
- No need for language is
there, come on, up you get.
[whistling music]
Here we are.
Right, there we go.
- [groans] I want
a fucking doctor.
- Yeah, you can want all
you fucking want mate,
you ain't going anywhere
'til the others get back.
[James groans]
- You fucking ham fisted fuck.
Oh, fucking hell-
- Oi, I am sick
and fucking tired
of you fucking at
me all the time.
- I'm sorry mate, I didn't
think that'd offend you.
- Well listen to me,
we're supposed to be
buddies aren't we?
And I don't like bad
language amongst buddies.
So why can't we just
speak nice to one another
and keep the fucking
to a minimum?
- Okie dokie.
- Now we'll get you patched up,
see how you are in the morning.
[soft guitar music]
♪ She's so beautiful,
that's how I used to speak ♪
♪ Well my eyes were strong
and my heart was weak ♪
[knocking on glass]
- Good evening, sir.
- Can I help you officer?
- It's Special Constable
George, just routine.
Take it that's your vehicle?
- Yeah, well it's a
hire car but yeah.
- I can see that from
the DVLA readout.
Were you in the vicinity
of a bar called The Stag
in Ayreshire two nights ago?
- Yeah, yeah I was.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm, yeah,
I was at the bar,
and I see talking to these two
other anglers about
fish and stuff,
when these two little
fellas at the pool table
started messing around
with the anglers wives.
- Can I have your name please?
- Yeah, Charles King.
You can check if you
like with the estate
because this place is
booked out in my name.
- I've done that already.
- Who you talking to?
- Go back to sleep, mate.
Yeah as I was saying, the
anglers, the four big fellas,
they eventually started
getting really sort of rowdy
and jealous about
the two little fellas
and basically attacked them.
They gave them a proper beating.
- I thought the report
sounded a bit one sided.
In your opinion, the big
guys beat up the little guys?
- Oh yeah, they gave
'em a battering.
- Oh, I see.
Do you have a number
I can reach you on
if I have any more questions?
- Yeah, it's 07555-
- Mm-hmm.
- 553355.
- Lots of fives, eh?
- Yeah well, lucky number, eh.
- Well thank for
your time, Mr King.
- That's alright.
- Enjoy your stay.
- Thanks, well.
- Bye.
- Goodnight.
♪ Beautiful
♪ Beautiful, uh-huh.
- You go ahead.
- Thanks.
- The hell is she doing here?
[soft guitar music]
[singer vocalizing]
- I'm too sick to move on.
- They have traced you
back to the bar, James.
It's not gonna take 'em long
to figure out there
was four of us.
- Edward's right, I only
bought us a bit of time,
we really should try and get
out of here by the morning.
- Exactly, Charles, have
you got any answers?
- I'm running out of
places to hole up.
There's a quiet place up north
but we're not booked in
there for another two days.
- What's happening
with the money?
- We have got to get a
direct line to the Duke.
I don't fucking trust Brown,
she's a fucking Roedean girl.
She'd turn us in to
save her own neck,
I fucking know it man.
- I need a fucking drink.
- Anyone ever tell you that
you are a fucking alcoholic?
- What the fuck
happened here anyway?
- Why don't you ask the
fucking terminator over there?
[ethereal music]
- You found the fucker yet?
- It's around here
fucking some place.
[phone rings]
- Grab that, that'll be them.
- Hello, where
the fuck are yous?
Who?
Special Constable, there's a
fucking copper on the phone.
- Gimme the phone.
- Constable George, yeah, yeah,
that's it, Charles King, yeah.
Yeah, that is
traffic you can hear
in the background, I'm
driving, that's it.
Of course I've got both
hands on the steering wheel,
it's a hands free kit.
Is that right?
So you want us to come down?
Yeah, no, it's just I can't
really get you right now,
it's just you're breaking up,
look, can I call you back?
- The fuck was that all about?
- That was all about
that fucking fat wife
you were fucking about with.
One of the guys that
attacked us has died.
- Which one?
- Does it fucking
matter which one?
- Yes it does fucking matter.
It's the one you
attacked with a pool cue.
- Oh for fuck's sake.
If I'm fucking caught
I'm gonna go down.
Fucking hell, fucking shot
with a fucking shotgun,
wanted for fucking murder
all in the same fucking week.
- Yeah alright mate,
don't be feeling
so fucking sorry for yourself.
- What, fucking
sorry for myself?
You're the fucking sorriest
bastard in this fucking outfit.
[ethereal music]
- We need to get James help.
- Just let the
little fucker die.
If we take him to a doctor,
he'll see it's a gunshot
wound and call the cops.
- Remember those nurses?
- Forget that, man.
What the fuck, Edward?
- Shh.
Hi, is that Victoria?
Yeah, it's Edward,
no I'm doing fine.
Say that again, I'm
really sorry to hear that.
Yeah you sound upset, listen
what are you doing tomorrow?
Okay good, well how
about I give you a call
and let you know where I'll be?
Uh-huh, yeah, Charles
is still with me.
She wants to know if
she can bring Elizabeth.
- Tell the bitch to go to hell.
- He says yeah that'd be lovely.
Listen one last thing,
James has hurt his shoulder,
could you bring some dressings?
No, William had nothing
to do with it, honestly.
Uh-huh, okay, alright then, bye.
- That Elizabeth is getting
nowhere near my dick.
- All right.
[phone rings]
- Hello.
- Anne died.
- What's that?
- Anne died.
- Yeah.
- You knew she'd
ODd, didn't you?
- Oi don't be, nah that
fucking little bitch
put herself in a coma,
Victoria, so don't be fucking-
- You're a fucking bastard.
- Victoria.
- And what have
you done to James?
- And James, what are
you talking about?
- Serves him right,
he's fucking kinky.
- What?
- Mary's well
pissed off with him.
- Mary, why?
- The fucking animal
pissed on her.
- He what?
- Pissed on her.
- Oh, for fu...
Mate, your fucking reputation's
gone up now apparently.
You are now officially
a fucking animal
according to my cousin.
What is the fucking
matter with you?
[gentle rock music]
♪ Say what they say
- Oh.
- Hello, lift, ya?
- [James] What's that?
- [Woman] Ya, lift?
- [James] Have a
wee drink of that.
- Please, get in.
Let me get that for ya.
- [James] Where are you from?
- [Woman] Denmark.
- [James] Denmark?
- [Woman] Ya.
[engine revs]
♪ To expose
♪ Just a good
♪ A fair weekend
- Where are those morons?
- I don't know, they
disappeared ages ago.
Give 'em a call.
- No signal.
- Typical.
♪ We will have to see
[singer vocalizing]
[woman moans]
[soft music continues]
- [William] Oi, stop, stop it.
I said fucking stop it.
[woman moans]
[soft music continues]
[singer vocalizing]
[engine revving]
- [Edward] Those guys'll never
find this place in the dark.
- Fuck 'em, I'm tired
of thinking for 'em.
Fucking let 'em do
their own thing.
[gun firing]
- Oh, fuck, that fucking gun,
nearly blew my
fucking balls off.
- Oh for fuck's sake. [laughs]
- It's no fucking
laughing matter, Edward.
That gun's got a dodgy
fucking safety catch
and a hair trigger.
- Well don't keep it in your
fucking pocket you moron.
- My nerves are
all shot to hell,
I've got to get
out of here, man.
I'm fucking losing it.
- Charles, Charles, pick
up your fucking jacket
and get inside before
some fucker sees you.
Jesus Christ.
[door slams]
[engine revs]
We need to hide the cars.
- Why?
- It's obvious you moron.
The cops'll trace us
through the number plates.
- Yeah well they
still won't know
we've got anything to do
with the painting, will they?
- Yeah, what's
happening with that?
How many days has is
been now, what six?
- Eight.
- Eight?
And we were promised our
payment within seven,
that was yesterday, right?
- Look we really should
get him to an hospital.
- No we fucking shouldn't,
it's getting sorted.
- How?
- His cousin, Victoria.
- What's she got to
do with anything?
- She's coming here, tomorrow.
- She'll sort you out, man.
- She's only a fucking nurse.
- Oi, she's the best.
- This is all getting
out of control, man.
- Look Charles, don't be going
fucking gaga on
us mate, alright?
Just finish the job.
- Yeah, let's take the 600
thousand and finish the job.
- No, they will go to
a million, Charles,
I saw it in her eyes.
- I'm with Edward on this.
Alright, when's
the next meeting?
- Two days.
- Two days?
Another fucking two days?
My fucking arms gonna
fucking drop off.
- [William] James, get
yourself a drink, mate.
- Why don't we dump him?
- Nah, he's a buddy of mine,
in fact we're all
supposed to be.
- He's right, we're in
this together, to the end.
- Dodgy bastard.
- Well my old man
did always teach me
to carry at least one
spare set with me.
- [Edward] Classy.
[gentle guitar music]
We had to keep up appearances,
four normal guys on vacation.
We hired a boat for fishing
but we underestimated
how bad a state James was in.
- Listen I feel sick
guys, man, I canny do it.
Don't worry I'll
be fucking alright.
[Charles blows]
- Charles, mate, make sure
that thing doesn't go off.
- No fear, clip's
safely in my pocket.
- I've got one.
There she is, grab her
up, Edward, lovely.
- You like killing don't you.
It wasn't the guy James hit
with a pool cue that died,
it was the one you slaughtered
with your fists
on the pool table.
We hired you for
those qualities.
I never told Edward you were
once acquitted for murder.
- Fucking hell, Charles, I
don't need to know any more.
- Charles, I think maybe
you're losing it, mate.
After this is over maybe you can
get yourself a
doctor or something.
- Good, we're all
fucking buddies again.
[engine rumbling]
[light acoustic guitar music]
- Cousin, when did you get here?
- I'm not speaking to you.
Hi.
- Now is that any way
for one family member
to speak to another, is it?
You alright mate?
- Fuck off.
- Fucking wanker.
- Elizabeth, how are ya?
Where you going?
Come on Elizabeth, you
don't fancy that do ya?
I've told you before
darling, you need a real man.
- Shut the fuck up William.
- Yes shut the fuck up
William, you fucking wanker.
You fucking wouldn't
need to be here
if you hadn't been
fucking half blind.
Well I live then?
- Of course you will.
You'll be fine in
a couple of weeks.
- See, told you you were feeling
fucking sorry for yourself.
- Oh you really are a wanker.
So where the fuck's the fish?
- There's a dance in
the village tonight.
- You asking me out?
- You available?
- Could be.
- You gotta watch her Edward,
she's a fucking wild one.
- William shut up.
I bought myself a new
dress just for you.
[energetic rock music]
♪ Here comes the rain again
♪ Raining in my head
like a tragedy ♪
♪ Tearing me apart
- You know I'm a married man?
- I know, I'm married too.
♪ I want to breathe
in the open wind ♪
♪ I want to kiss
like lovers do ♪
♪ Want to dive into your ocean
♪ Is it raining with you
♪ Is it raining
♪ Is it raining
♪ Is it raining
♪ Is it raining
♪ Is it raining
♪ So baby, talk to me
♪ Like lovers do
♪ Like lovers do
♪ Walk with me
♪ Like lovers do,
like lovers do ♪
♪ Here comes the rain again
♪ Raining in my head
like a tragedy ♪
♪ Tearing me apart
like a new emotion ♪
♪ Tearing me apart
like a new emotion ♪
♪ I want to breathe
in the open wind ♪
♪ I want to kiss
like lovers do ♪
♪ Want to dive into your ocean
- Ya fucker, listen mate, I
reckon it's time me and you
split with the fucking painting.
You know you're fucking
stupid, don't ya?
- No, lsiten, William, I've
thought this through, right.
Me and you are for
the fucking high drop
if we get caught, right?
I reckon we slip out
the country, take
the Leonardo with us,
wait for the money to be
wired into our bank accounts?
- What and you reckon Charles
and Ed will go with that?
- No right, listen, we take
that fucking painting, right,
take that out back,
burn the fucker,
tell them it's the Leonardo.
- James, where are
you going with this?
- Tell them we got fucking
paranoid on some weed.
- What weed?
- This fucking weed.
- Well where the fuck
did that come from?
- Got it off Elizabeth, she
deals the fucking stuff.
You gonna tell me that quiet
little bitch is a dope dealer?
- Yep, blame the whole
fucking thing on her.
- James, how much of
that you already had?
- Only half a bag.
- Fucking lunatic I tell
ya, and I was going along
with your fucking stupid
plan for a minute there.
[James laughs]
[gentle jazz music]
- It was one of the calmest
nights I could remember.
The stars were out and the sea
was braking gently on the shore.
We were content and happy.
We were just two
romantic couples
strolling home to have sex.
That is Mary, mm-hmm?
And this guy is Jesus.
[both laughing]
- So this is what all
the fuss is about?
[Edward laughs]
30 fucking million.
[both laughing]
- What's that?
What kind of fucking 500 year
old painting would be wet?
- It's a fucking fake. [laughs]
- They fucking swapped
it before we nicked it.
[both laugh]
oh fuck, oh no.
[keys clacking]
- I've got an uplink.
- Okay, we are willing to
accept your offer of 600,000.
Please proceed with payment
as per prior instructions.
We will expect confirmation by,
what's the latest
we can give them?
- Five.
- Confirmation by 4:30 today.
- Will they go for it?
- Well they're two million up
and they've still got the
original tucked away somewhere.
- They don't know we know that.
- No, they thought we
were gonna burn the fake.
We are now willing to
dispose of the goods
as per original the agreement.
However, you may
be pleased to know
that we have found a
private buyer for the goods.
He is willing to go to
15, half the market value.
However, the said
buyer does wish
to view the goods
before purchasing.
He has agreed to pay
10% directly to us
and will pay the
balance directly to you
into an account of your choice.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
[both chattering indistinctly]
- There, it's gone.
What do we do now?
- Well you wait here.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm taking victoria
out for the day.
[soft music]
- Where's Edward?
- I dunno, they're in the car.
What are they doing in the car?
- Waiting on Edward.
[indistinct]
I know, fucking, going out.
- Ready to go?
- Aye.
- I'm gonna stay
here with Charles.
- Suit yourself, babe, you're
missing a bloody good piss up.
- See you later.
♪ Where I can't seem to think
- Gimme the keys.
- So what's happening, is
the deal still going through?
- Well we'll know by
later this afternoon.
- Hear that mate?
I won't have to work
for a fucking long time.
And after today you'll be able
to get any fucking
woman you want.
- Fucking dream on.
[engine revving]
♪ All I know
♪ Is I want you
♪ Nothing else
can get me there ♪
♪ To the point
where I don't care ♪
♪ All I know
♪ Is I want you, I
want you, I want you ♪
♪ Tell me
♪ Why it is I'm so addicted
to the way you touch me ♪
♪ Like you need to see
- [Edward] The
whisky made us forget
all the wheeling and dealing
of the previous week.
We were no more crooked than
the Jetstream business men
who had made themselves
multibillionaires
with empires of
water, malt and peat
and sold it to the world
as the elixir of life.
Whisky had ruined
entire civilizations,
from the wild west to
the jungles of Borneo.
It sold for its
weight in silver.
Oh the horror, the
frightening horror.
For us, it was
fucking brilliant.
[gentle guitar music]
♪ I've run out
♪ That's where
you're so mistaken ♪
♪ You take me to a high
♪ Of just no other kind
♪ I don't want
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't need
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't want
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't need anything
♪ Besides
♪ Things get bigger
♪ A price
♪ Is well just go figure
♪ When I think way back when
♪ I can't go back again
♪ I don't want
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't need
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't want
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't need anything
- Yes.
William, it's some
tart of yours.
- Hello.
- What the fuck did
you do that for?
- Sorry.
- Nothing to do with you, babe.
- It was that cop again.
- She's obviously taken
a fancy to you, William.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Oo, fucking awful smell
of sex in here guys, man.
Fucking stinking.
- It's in.
- What?
- They've made the transfer
to the four accounts,
150,000 each.
- Fuck, they bought
the whole fucking scam.
- They wanna meet us tomorrow
to talk about the buyer.
- We don't have a buyer.
- I could be the buyer.
- Don't they know you?
- No, I've only spoken to
Lady Jane once on the phone,
the rest has been by email.
- Where do they wanna meet?
- Central station, Glasgow,
we have to bring the painting.
- What is it with
fucking trains?
Okay, we'll do it, but only
if the Duke's at the meeting.
Tell them the buyer won't
meet with anyone else.
- We've got to go
back to work tomorrow.
- Oh forget work,
I'll pay your way.
We'll go on a trip
round the world.
- I like my work, I
care about what I do,
I'm not gonna give
it up just for you.
- No, me neither.
- [Charles] Cheers, John.
- So what's the point
in meeting them?
- Well they've got
the real painting.
They know that the buyer's
gonna recognise ours as a fake.
- Nah, still don't get it.
- Well they'll bring
the real painting
with them, won't they?
And they'll have to confess
that they've been
duping us all along.
- Why would they do that?
- 'Cause they're
greedy motherfuckers,
they get to double dip.
They get the insurance money
and they get a great price
for a work they can't
sell in the open market.
- So we steal it a second time
and when we've got
the real Leonardo,
we'll extort another, I don't
know, million out of them.
- Well what makes you
think they're gonna pay up?
- Well we'll threaten to hand
the painting over to the police
and then the insurance
company won't pay out
and they'll be down 600 grand.
- I get it, they fuck with
us, we fuck with them.
- Well that's it exactly.
- Do you guys want
to play doubles?
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- I won't be waiting for you
when you get out of jail.
- We're honest crooks, Victoria.
- So are doctors and
lawyers and accountants,
but what they do is legal.
- [Edward] So tell
me you don't love me.
- I don't love you.
- Well if you mean it, say
it with some conviction.
- [Victoria] Fuck off.
- [Edward] Victoria.
- All I want from a
guy is common sense,
someone who cares about me,
someone who wants to
come home every night
and doesn't have to
bring their friends.
Is that too much to ask.
- It's nothing at all.
[door slams]
- Fucking hell.
[soft guitar music]
♪ 'Cause beauty's
on the inside ♪
♪ Not in the way you look
♪ And you can never
judge a cover ♪
♪ Until you've read the book
♪ If a cure for
cancer was found ♪
♪ If the deaf could
suddenly hear a sound ♪
♪ If all the encaged
children were free ♪
♪ And all the blind
people could see ♪
♪ If all the cripple
world could walk ♪
♪ And all the dumb
world could talk ♪
♪ It ain't pretty,
it ain't cool ♪
♪ But that's what
I call beautiful ♪
♪ Beautiful
[gate creaks]
- Come on Edward.
She's just a fucking nurse,
what do they know about life?
Mate, they wipe asses all day
and drink themselves
stupid all night,
where's the fucking
philosophy in that, huh?
They're not all angels
like Juliette Binoche
in "The English Patient".
And you are no fucking
dickless Ralph Fiennes
bandaged up like the
fucking invisible man.
Forget her.
- What like you've
moved on form Elizabeth?
- Fuck no, I'm seeing
her tomorrow night,
soon as we've finished this job.
- You are a cunt.
- [laughs] Thank you.
- Hello there, stranger.
You never called me back.
- Uh, no I thought
you were on duty.
- Oh, I'm only a
Special Constable.
I'm jacking it in anyway, I
like to have a social life.
Is that your
hunting trip friend?
- Yeah but we're
done on hunting now.
- Good, you can buy me a drink.
Naughty boy.
[upbeat electronic music]
- Who the fuck is that?
- That my friend is the
woman that I'm gonna marry.
- Go on you good thing.
[upbeat electronic music]
- Do you want to
play a little game?
- What you got in mind?
- Oh well, you'll
have to wait and see.
- Is that right?
- Oh yes, but I'm
sure you'll like it.
Oh yes, I'm very sure
you'll like it. [giggles]
- Oi, what are you doing?
- [Police Woman] Making
sure that you never escape.
- That was a fucking quicky.
- Yeah, well.
- No fucking marriage then?
- No mate, I have seen the
error of my ways, I tell ya.
- That's her.
- This is him?
- Yep.
- He looks shifty to
me, can you trust him?
- Absolutely.
- Give me the painting then.
- We came here to buy it,
not to give it back to you.
- We're not stupid, we
know you know it is a copy.
- Where the fuck's the duke?
- Don't know.
- Give it to me then I'll
show you the original.
- No, we'll only hand it
over to the duke I'm afraid.
- He's not going to expose
himself in public like this.
- Have you got the
police watching us?
- No, we want to sell the
painting in good faith.
You have to turn
over the copy first.
- Then what?
- Then meet us
here in four hours.
- You should be aware,
we're photographing you.
If you fuck up or don't show up,
we're sending
photographs to the police
and the insurance company.
They'll think it's the real
painting, you'll go down.
Off you go.
- Get the photographs developed,
we'll meet you in one hour.
[ethereal music]
- So we have to go
back to the castle
where we stole the
fucking painting from
in the first place?
- That is right.
- And take the fucking Leonardo?
- Yes.
- And have a
fucking conversation
with the fucking owner Duke?
- The Duke was a
colonel in the paras.
- Fucking paras, everybody
in the army knows
the paras are a bunch
of fucking nancies.
Who knows what the old
cunt might be planning.
- I wouldn't worry
about it too much,
he ain't been clever
up to know, has he?
- Yeah, maybe we're just
being fucking paranoid, eh?
He's gonna get out the
fucking cheese and biscuits.
- Just shut up.
Right, let's get out of here.
- [James] I still don't
see how we're gonna get
any more fucking
money out of them.
- The idea is to
steal the painting,
James you fucking moron.
- Oh, well I
thought we'd already
stole the fucking painting.
- James, do you just
never listen, mate?
- Yeah, but what I hear
doesn't make fucking sense.
- Right, let's get down to it.
Now, I'm not gonna mess about.
Call the police, will you Jane?
- I've no signal, sir.
- What?
- I've no signal.
- Well go in the other
room, use the land line.
So, you thought you could
blackmail me, did you?
Speak up.
- I think you're fucking mad.
- What, what did you say?
- He said you're mad.
- Oh and you're not?
The deal was 10% of
the insurance payout,
you've had 20% and
now you want more.
- The deal was three million,
that means you're almost two
and a half million short.
How much is that worth?
- It's the oldest
trick in the book.
I was in the parachute regiment.
[tense music]
- Police'll be here
in 15 minutes, sir.
- Excellent, is that the copy?
Good, you get it
Jane, would you?
That means we can charge you
with trying to pass a forgery
for the insurance reward,
that should give you about
our years each, I should say.
Will you check
their pockets, Jane.
- Well when the
police do get here,
I think you should reconsider
what you're gonna tell them.
- Oh do you, well I'm not going
to reconsider a damn thing.
Ah, what's that an
eight millimeter?
That means we can have you
for possession of a firearm,
that'd be another five
years each I should think.
Stand still.
- Are you gonna point
that somewhere else?
- [Duke] It's a sting.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Free some
♪ Gonna free someone
♪ You're gonna free someone
[gun firing]
[gun firing]
- [Edward] Charles.
Fucking hell.
- Let's get the
fuck out of here.
- [Edward] No, leave
that, leave it.
Let the cops find them with it.
[whistling]
[relaxed jazz music]
[engine revs]
- "The tragic
events of last night
reveal a complex set
of circumstances.
The Duke was found dead with
his secretary, Lady Jane Brown.
It is thought that they
had a lovers quarrel
and that Lady Jane
shot the Duke,
then took her own life
with the same gun.
Beside their bodies lay the
Leonardo da Vinci painting,
valued at 30 million pounds,
spectacularly stolen
only 10 days ago.
However, the one unanswered
question for the police
is the copy of the
famous painting found
hanging in the room
where the original was
displayed prior to its theft.
Staff report hearing the
sound of a car arriving
and leaving before and
after the sound of gunshots.
One of the estate workers
also saw torch light
in the woods, earlier
in the evening.
The Duke was much loved
and will be sorely missed
by all who knew him
to be one of Scotland's
most honorable men."
- Yeah right.
- Oi, have a little
charity, the fucker is dead.
- Aye, and Lady Jane.
Cut down in her
fucking prime, man.
- So why didn't you
just take the Leonardo?
- As far as the police are
concerned, the case is closed,
they're not gonna be
looking for anyone else.
- So why did we have to
put the painting back?
- It was our insurance
in case the Duke
tried to turn us
over to the police.
It wouldn't have
looked too good for him
when the tour guides found it.
The painting that we took to him
was your photograph
of Lady Jane.
- Yous two are real
smart fuckers, guys, man.
- Cheers.
- I've gotta give you it, man.
Put it there, put it there.
- Hang on, hang on, sit down.
So at the end of the day we
still only get 150 grand each?
- Mate think of the people
that earn 200 quid a week.
- Uh-huh, think about it, guys.
If you two worked 40 hours
a week at McDonald's,
it'd take you 15
years to earn that.
- Before tax, you got
that in 10 days, be happy.
- Fucking right mate, we
are fucking lucky fuckers.
- Fair enough, well done mate.
- [James] Nice one.
- Good boy.
- What now, then?
- I've got a girl to meet.
- What about your wife?
- We divorced two years ago.
- You dirty little
slag, go on then,
but you tell that Elizabeth
once you're done with her
that she can come and see me.
- Right you fucker,
let's go, come on.
You promised me a wee
pump a that copper.
- Oh you wanna get
handcuffed do ya.
- Fucking sounds good to me.
- Alright, fair
enough, come on then.
See you later, chaps.
- Uh-huh, have fun.
- [James] See yous later.
- See you boys.
What are you gonna do?
- I dunno, take a vacation.
- Yeah, me too, I've talked
Elizabeth into taking time off.
- Good.
- There she is now.
- Victoria's taken time off too.
Hey girls.
- [Edward] Hello.
- What do you say we give it
a try, mister honest crook?
- [Edward] One
week or two, baby?
[phone rings]
- Hello, yep, shit, okay.
Yup, thanks, bye.
Hey, we've been offered the use
of a villa in the south
of France, how about it?
- Beats the fucking snow.
- Let's go.
[soft music]
♪ Just to burn
♪ With every curve
♪ To expose all she knows
♪ You play like tea
♪ Just a girl
♪ Who felt weaker
♪ To expose all she knows
[phone rings]
- Hello.
Hold on.
It's Edward, he wants to know
if we want to go to
the Riviera with him,
steal a Van Gogh worth
fucking 70 million.
- What would the cut be?
Yeah, Edward.
No mate, we would
never stand a chance.
[guns click]
[whistling]
[upbeat jazz music]
[upbeat jazz music continues]
[upbeat jazz music continues]
[water lapping]
[light acoustic guitar music]
♪ No doubt
♪ You're gonna be thinking
♪ I've run out
♪ That's where
you're so mistaken ♪
♪ You take me to a high
♪ Of just no other kind
- It was all supposed
to be nice and easy,
a piece of piss.
Centuries of decay and ruin.
The Duke's edifice
was full of 700 years
of thieving and robbing.
It was sickening.
All that money hanging from
walls that had been built
on spoils of slavery
and gun running.
Now, the new Duke
was hard up for cash
and had devised a
way of paying off
his dear old dead Dad's debts.
And this is a da Vinci?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
It's lovely, how
much is it worth?
- It's insured for
30 million pounds.
- Is it?
Cord's a wee bit frayed.
You might wanna
replace it just in case
it falls over and you
have to make a claim.
[light rock music]
[singer vocalizing]
♪ I sing it out loud
to a waiting crowd ♪
♪ The mask falls from
my face like a stone ♪
♪ Thoughts flicker in me
like commercials on TV ♪
♪ In a spotlight, I
stand all exposed ♪
♪ It's a weird masquerade,
a freak show manmade ♪
♪ We're all looking
for something inside ♪
♪ It's a twisted place, one
mind's back street maze ♪
♪ You'll never sure of
what you might find ♪
♪ So look into
these eyes of mine ♪
- [Woman] Make your way back
by following the
signs to the exit.
- Excuse me, darling.
Do you mind helping me find
this really famous painting?
- Aye, sure big man.
I might see that
one too, ya know?
- [Woman] Right, okay.
[mysterious music]
- It's over here.
- [James] She's
fucking falling for it.
[Woman screams]
Shut the fuck up.
[woman screaming]
[ominous music]
[alarm bell rings]
This'll be fucking good
for your sex life darling.
Alright, you'll back it
like a fucking rabbit
after this, believe me.
- How was she?
- Fantastic, lazy
bugger. [cheers]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Don't call me stupid
if I can't understand ♪
♪ Why we fight and steal
and hurt our fellow man ♪
♪ My eyes are open but
somehow I just can't see ♪
♪ That that's the way,
the way it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
- Here they come and
they've got the painting.
- Excellent.
So the one thing they're good at
besides drinking is thieving.
♪ Don't call me darling, those
words you just can't say ♪
♪ First you break my heart
and then you walk away ♪
♪ My eyes are closed and
too dark for me to see ♪
♪ That that's the way,
the way it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
[all cheer]
- Yeah.
- It's a fucking piece of piss.
- I am fucking knackered mate,
oh fuck this for way
to make a living,
I'm fucking retiring
after this job I tell ya.
- You're only fucking 28, man.
- So?
It don't matter mate.
With this baby I am up 750
fucking thousand right.
- Yes.
- Fucking right, boys,
tonight the duke will be
claiming his 30 million.
This time next week
we will have our 10%
split four ways
and wired right in
to our beautiful fat
fucking bank accounts.
- How does that work, Charles?
- IT's all done
by bank transfer,
the Duke can authorize
the money to be paid
from his Swiss account
into the four accounts
I set up for us in the
tropical island of Granada.
- I just fucking, I love
this world, Charles.
I love this fucking world mate,
I just can't wait
to get my hands
on all those beautiful
fucking women.
- Mate you don't have to fucking
go there to get your money.
- I know that but
it sounds to me
as good as fucking
any place to be.
- Fucking right.
- This is the real
fucking thing.
- [cheers] So fucking easy.
[upbeat jazz music]
[upbeat rock music]
[singer vocalizing]
♪ The word is on the streets,
the word is on the streets ♪
♪ That's just the way
it's meant to be ♪
♪ It's just the, it's
just the, oh the way ♪
♪ Give it to me baby,
give it to me one time ♪
♪ Give it to me baby,
give it to me one time ♪
♪ Give it to me, give
it to me one time ♪
♪ Come on, come on
♪ Now, now, give it to me
baby, give it to me one time ♪
♪ Give it to me baby,
give it to me one time ♪
♪ Give it to me baby,
give it to me one time ♪
♪ That's just the way
- And they walked right
in, just like that?
- News report said it was awful,
he had his hands all
over the poor girl.
He was gonna kidnap her.
- For a painting?
- Not just any painting,
a da Vinci.
- Well now I see what
all the fuss is about,
there's not many of
them around, is there?
- Most valuable painting
ever stolen in Britain.
- God, that's saying
something isn't it?
I wonder if they'll
ever find it?
- We need to get rid of it.
- You better believe it,
it's the only thing that
links us to the heist.
- It's a pity, but I'm
in it for the money.
- We'll deal with it tomorrow.
- What shall we do
with it tonight?
- [Edward] Well William and
James can keep it in their room.
- Wait, no, no, no,
you leave us out of it.
- Yeah, why our room?
- Anyway, we might be
taking some young ladies
back to our room this evening.
And you wouldn't want them
to see it now, would ya?
- Alright, keep
your voices down.
We'll take care of it tonight.
- Good, well 'til then,
excuse us gentlemen.
- Chill out, Charles,
everything's exactly
like we planned.
- Yeah, I suppose so, fuckers,
we're supposed to be property
developers on holiday.
- Waiter, two
bottles of champagne
and another two for them
and the tarts, thank you.
[Heavy rock music]
♪ It was all a lie
♪ The smile on a
spouse that cheats ♪
♪ A two faced friend
that you wanna believe ♪
♪ The gleam in a
politician's eye ♪
♪ Did you hear about Tom
and his only friend ♪
♪ He kept his mask
in a little syringe ♪
♪ You'd never know it
by looking at him ♪
♪ His face hidden
behind a plastic grin ♪
♪ He can be anything to anyone
- [Charles] Can't
do this Edward.
- [Edward] Shut up,
Charles, it's gotta be done.
- Why has it gotta be done?
I want a reason from
each of you why.
- It's in the plan,
we nick the thing,
burn it and collect the money.
- [William] Edward
is right you dodo,
we're sticking to the plan.
- You cannot just fucking burn
a 500 year old masterpiece
on a scummy Scottish beach.
- [William] You can say a
prayer first if you like, mate.
- You're a fucking idiot.
What do you know about art?
- I don't know anything
about art, mate
which is why I'm perfectly
happy to burn that fucking thing
and then the four of us, well,
go for a drink, can't we?
- [Edward] Boys listen,
we're business partners,
it's no time to get sentimental
about the job in hand.
I mean it's a fucking
great piece of art
but is the world
gonna come to an end
if we send it up in smoke?
- Let's think of it as a
peace offering to the gods.
- [Charles] Well you're
a fucking idiot as well.
- Fuck you then.
Do you think I care
about that fucking thing?
I mean look at it, Charles,
it is a piece of shit.
People are fucking crazy,
mate, 30 million for that?
Nah, that's taking
the fucking piss.
- David Beckham's worth that.
- Fuck David Beckham.
Man you can't even put
him in the same league
as Leonardo da Vinci.
- Fucking da Vinci
wouldn't even get a game
for a reserve team in the
Scottish Third Division.
- Fucking rubbish, if da
Vinci played football,
man he'd be with Barcelona.
- Well Beckham's with
fucking Real Madrid,
so that proves he's worth more
than this fucking da Vinci guy.
- Look, da Vinci's not some
glorified fucking nancy boy
with tattoos up his arms,
he's the fucking tattooist.
- Who cares about
fucking tattoos?
- Why don't you two
just shut the fuck up.
Maybe da Vinci is the
all time goal scorer
in the history of fucking
art, who gives a fuck?
It's just another game, right?
- Right, and if
it's just a game,
then we can change
the rules, man.
Way I see it is this-
- I'm not fucking interested
in the way you see it,
we get caught with this
fucker, we get 10 years.
- What's the matter
with you bastard?
Fucking hell, dude,
do you wanna abort the
whole fucking deal?
Guys let's look
at this sensibly.
One, if we destroy the
painting we get fucking paid.
Two, we don't destroy
it but we say we did,
we still get paid.
The only way we're
not gonna get paid
is if that fucking painting
shows up before next week.
And it's not gonna
happen, is it?
- Well it won't, no.
Not unless someone
gets greedy, eh.
- Okay, Let's burn the fucker.
- Yes.
- [Edward] Oh shit.
- [James] Here,
you're the goalie.
- [William] Come on,
over here, here ya are.
- What the fuck?
We've been scammed, William,
wake it up you dozy fucker.
- What does it say?
- Cheapskate bastard.
- Read it to me.
- The painting has
not been insured
to the value of its
estimated worth.
- What?
- Fucking knew it was too
good to be fucking true.
- Shut up.
- The insurance company
has said that only
about three million
will be paid out if
it's not recovered.
- Jesus.
- What the fuck has
Jesus got to do with it?
[whistling]
[relaxed jazz music]
- What was the exact wording
of the deal, Charles?
- 10% of the insurance
claim payout.
- Well you offered
me 750 grand Edward.
- I'll get in touch
with the Duke's men.
- Yeah, those fucking rich
bastards are all the same, mate.
They don't care about the
fucking little man, I tell you.
[all laughing]
Fucking cockroach crawling cunt.
- [Edward] For fuck sake
man, hit the fucker.
- You got something
to fucking say, boy?
- You're a fucking nutter.
- Got something to fucking say?
I'm just sick of all of
his fucking bullshit, mate.
That's all I get
from any of you boys.
And we're supposed
to be buddies.
- We were only playing golf.
- Well I hate it, it's
only a fucking hole.
- Calm down mate, relax man.
Anyway we're all on the same
fucking side here, it's cool.
- Okay, so this is
a blow in, right?
No 750 grand, it's a blow.
- I'm just as hacked
off as you are.
Except I'm taking it out on
that stupid fucking white ball.
- Yeah I'm sorry Edward, I am.
I lost it there, and I've
never played golf before.
- You fucking liar.
Told this lassies last
night he had no handicap
and had eight holes in one.
- Yeah well, I weren't
talking about golf.
- Boy's a natural.
- Gimme some fucking
air here, guys.
- Charles just remind me
how this works again mate
because surely the cops gonna
be reading the Duke's emails?
- We use encryption
software, William.
We communicate using
Hotmail addresses
that can be logged on remotely
with a laptop and a phone line.
- Has he replied?
- The Duke's agent, no.
But I've told him we're
not leaving Scotland
'til the transfer goes through.
- So what now?
- [Edward] We just
keep on the move.
- [Charles] I've
arranged to pick up
two new cars in the morning.
We'll travel in pairs
to our next location.
- [William] Oh,
we've got to be cool.
The cops will know by now
that there's four of us.
- If anyone asks what
you do, your car dealers
taking a week's vacation
to hunt and fish.
- [James] Fish with what?
- You'll be supplied with
the right gear tomorrow.
- What about clothes?
- It's all been taken care of.
- If we're gonna get caught,
it's gonna happen over
the next few days, okay?
You don't ask each other
personal questions,
you don't make calls
to your friends,
and you do not pick up girls.
- Of course.
Our phones are off and
our lips are sealed.
- Alright, good.
- So who's taking
the Leonardo then?
- Well what about
highest card takes it?
Is that alright?
Jamesy.
- Fucking hustler.
[soft music]
What is it with all this
fucking cloak and dagger stuff?
- Look mate, why don't we
just make the best of it?
Tell you what, let's
stop for a drink
and then I'll organize
us a fun night in.
- Seems a good idea, mate.
[soft music]
- Have you ever had these
deals go wrong before?
- Nope, I've always
been paid half up front
and the rest on delivery.
But then again, they've
all been small jobs
compared to this one.
- Really didn't think there'd be
such a fucking fuss about it.
- We're unlucky,
we did it on a day
when nothing else happened.
No bombings, no wars, nothing.
- What is it with the press?
- It's the Leonardo factor.
Guy's been making headlines
since the 16th century.
- Victoria, yeah no I'm in a
fucking payphone somewhere,
no mobiles don't
work up here darling.
Listen, you coming over?
Good, nice, yeah, you gotta
be there by eight though.
Yeah, alright listen,
I want you to bring
three friends with ya.
Yeah, no, no, I don't wanna
see that fucking bird.
Alright, yeah that'll do.
Elizabeth, Mary and who?
Say that again, Anne.
I don't think you ever
mentioned, does she fuck?
Of course darling, don't
you worry about that,
he'll fucking pay her to fuck
him for the rest of his life.
[laughs] Alright listen,
shut up, shut up,
listen, get a pen, I've
got the address for ya.
[duck quacks]
[relaxed jazz music]
[engine revs]
Totally fucking lost, aren't we?
- I think we turned the
wrong way a few miles back.
- Great, get in, dickhead.
[light acoustic guitar music]
[all shouting]
[soft rock music]
♪ Things I don't know
[both moaning]
- [Woman] Gentle.
- [laughs] Never rough.
Get these fuckers off, get off.
[woman breathing heavily]
- Not just another one
of your girls, am I?
- [James] No way, I'm actually
a virgin you know. [laughs]
- Right.
[both moaning]
You're not disease
ridden are you?
- [James] I've never needed
a fucking doctor in my life.
- Good.
[both breathing heavily]
♪ Tell me
♪ Why it is I'm so addicted
to the way you touch me ♪
[both moaning]
♪ Standing on the
edge of things ♪
[both moaning]
♪ Oh
♪ Oh
[both moaning]
♪ Nothing else can
bring me there ♪
♪ To the point
where I don't care ♪
[all laughing]
- Mary.
- Wahey.
- [James] Fuck off.
Fuck off.
- [William] You fucker.
- Go girl.
- Well done.
[all cheering]
- [Women] Go on, Mary.
- Fuck off.
- [William] Go on James.
[all shouting]
Give us a bit as well.
[all laughing]
Come 'ere.
[all shouting]
One, and here comes
the other one.
- No, no, William, no.
- What the fuck's going on here?
- Dickheads.
- Oi, oi, oi.
[all laughing]
Uh, Edward, I'd like
you to meet Victoria.
- Hello handsome.
- And Charles, why don't you
come over and meet Elizabeth.
- Hello.
- She'll show you round.
- Well, I'm married.
- Don't worry, I won't bite.
You can talk to me
about your wife.
- It's on the house.
[Elizabeth laughing]
[soft music]
- William.
- Little Annie.
I've been looking for you.
[both breathing heavily]
Here, you like that
don't you little Annie.
- [Anne] Yeah.
- Yeah.
So what do you do for
a living little Annie?
- [moans] Not so
hard, I'm a nurse.
- Oh, come on.
Don't you want it
hard, little Annie,
little nursie, huh?
- Yes. [moans]
- You been a bad little nursie?
Huh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- There you go, there
you go, there you go.
There you go, there
you go, there you go.
You gonna feel my
thing under the bed?
Have ya?
Yeah, while they lie there.
[both breathing heavily]
There you go, there
you go, there you go.
There you go, there you go.
There you go, there you go.
- William's kept
you well hidden.
- I'm easy to find.
- So I see.
- [Edward] What time do you
have to be back at work?
- Two o'clock, I start the late
shift this week at A and E.
Look, you're a nice guy,
but if you're mixed
up with William
you'll be into some weird shit,
I just did this for the money.
- [Edward] How much?
- 200.
- I'll give you another
200 if you'll see me again.
[Victoria sighs]
- The next time would
have been on the house.
[soft music]
- It's time to go.
- [Edward] Hey.
- What about breakfast?
[soft music]
[singer vocalizing]
- What the fuck have
you done with her?
- [William] Well I told you not
to bring any
crackheads, didn't I?
- Dickhead.
- [Elizabeth] Hey, would
you go easy on her?
- [William] Shut the
door, there you go.
Fuck sake.
- Call me.
- What the fuck, get in
the fucking car, in you go.
- It's usually the married ones
that have the
guilty consciences.
- [William] Off you go.
[engine revs]
- What got in to you?
- This dickhead let one
of them see the painting.
- Oh she's not gonna remember
a fucking thing, is she?
- What the fuck were they
doing here in the first place?
- Relaxation.
- Relaxation?
That Elizabeth nearly
wore my fucking knob off.
[all laughing]
- You sly fucking fox.
You better just hope your
dick doesn't fall off
before you get back to the wife.
- [Edward] That's
three days in a row
we've been on the front page.
- [Charles] Have they
any more clues about us?
- Uh-huh, found the first
car we've abandoned.
- That was on the cards.
It was a hot car
with false plates,
they won't be able to
trace it back to us.
- Good, the client'll feel safe.
- They'll still need
proof that we've
destroyed the painting
before they'll pay up.
- Yeah we'll do it
when we get back,
send them a bit of the
canvas in tonight's post.
- I'll let them know.
- Good, all this hanging
around makes me nervous.
- Me too.
[whistling]
[relaxed jazz music]
- Piece of piss.
At least there's no
fucking lousy midges
at this time of the year, mate.
- James, can I ask you
a personal question?
- No personal questions, orders.
- Oi, listen who got you out
of the fucking trouble mate?
You were supposed to hide
the painting, remember?
It's just as well that
bird was fucking out of it,
or we'd have had to top her.
From now on I'm looking
after the painting.
- You're a fucking drama queen.
So you saved my ass, big wow.
What the fuck have you done
with the painting then?
- Well why don't you
answer my personal question
and I'll show ya.
- What is this, the
fucking "Weakest Link"?
- James I mean, I thought we
were buddies and it hurts.
- You're a fucking pain.
- And I know that
means you love me.
- Like a pimple on my dick.
What's the fucking question?
- All it is, is what
was that Mary like?
- That's not a fucking question,
that is a fucking liberty.
- Yes, so tell me.
Come on, how'd she take it.
- [blows] Front, back,
in, out, fucking up, down.
Any way you want mate.
- I knew it, I fucking, the
moment I saw that girl man
I fucking knew
she was up for it.
- You're a fucking pervert.
- Yes.
- So what have you done
with the painting then?
- Well, I put it somewhere safe.
It's for our guarantee
of getting a fair
and equitable
share of the money.
- You should trust
Charles and Edward.
Cool mate.
- Yeah, listen, that
Charles is on the verge
of a fucking breakdown, alright.
Pretty soon he's gonna
be totally unpredictable
and I assure you
that's the last thing
we want from a fucking ops man.
- I'm telling you William,
right, 15 pound line,
it doesn't jut fucking
snap on you like that man,
the thing must have
been a fucking monster.
- You're just the
fucking bag men,
what have you done with it?
- Boys, let's have a drink.
- Don't fucking
test me, William.
- It's not fucking
funny, William.
- There's no one
laughing, Edward.
Funny though, James and I were
just talking about you two.
- Don't fucking look
at me like that.
I just want to know what
the fuck's going on here.
- Fucking tell him, Edward.
- They're sticking
to giving us 10%.
- How much is that?
- 300 grand.
- What each?
- No between us.
- Oh so that's less than
a hundred grand each then.
- 75,000, minus five grand
each for operation costs.
- You're fucking kidding us.
- What kind of life is 70,000
gonna buy you, Charles?
- Yeah exactly, that
is fucking shit.
- And we'll get nothing
if we don't send the proof
that we've destroyed
the Leonardo.
- Oh for fuck's sake, what's
the fucking matter with you?
Fucking put that away.
You're supposed to be
the brains ain't ya?
The fucking business head, you,
the fucking one
with the leverage.
- A deal's a deal, William.
We made a gentleman's agreement,
10% of the insurance claim
payout, whatever it is.
- Yeah, right, but we're
not fucking gentlemen
are we, Charles?
We're fucking crooks.
- D'you know, even I think yous
are a pair of fucking morons.
We've got the fucking painting.
So just for all
our sakes remind us
how much the fucking
thing is valued at.
- 30 million.
- And they wanna
give us 300 grand.
- Is that taking
the piss or what?
- This is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna sell the
painting back to them.
- What?
- You're nuts.
- You're gonna do
the negotiation.
You're gonna Hotmail
these fucking idiots
and you're gonna explain to them
that we are selling the
painting back to them
for one and a half million.
This is fair, it means we
get half of our original deal
and they get to keep half
of their insurance claim.
- They'll never go for that.
- Would you like to bet on it?
- I like it.
- You're gonna go
along with this shit?
- 70,000 is fuck all, Charles.
- How are you gonna get 'em to
pay us a million and a half.
Because we got the
painting, Charles.
The painting's valued
at 30 million pounds,
alright, and they've
got an insurance claim
with three million.
But they only get
that insurance claim
if we don't send the
painting back to them,
'cause if we did then
they'd get nothing.
- If I was them I'd forget
about the fucking
insurance claim,
sell the painting at
auction for 30 million.
- Everything the duke
owns is in trust.
Technically he owns nothing,
he's not allowed
to sell anything.
- Well then a million and a
half's a good deal for him
and he gets his painting back.
- He could collect the payout
then sell the painting
to a private collector.
- A client of mine did that.
The private collector ran it
through a stolen
property register,
then bought in the
FBI and Interpol.
My client got three years.
- Did he get his painting back?
- No, the FBI sold it
at a knock-down price
to cover the
investigation costs.
Guess who bought it?
- Private collector.
- Oh, of course.
- It's up to us, right?
Because whether we send it back,
or whether we destroy
it, it's our call.
- I'm in.
- I'm in too.
- You're a bunch of lunatics.
- Charles, set up a meeting
with the Duke's man.
- Where?
- Somewhere that the cops
and the insurance
investigators can't tail him.
Right boys, where's
the painting.
- Yes William, what
have you done with it?
Lovely.
- Feel better you motherfuckers?
Good, you'll be buying
the drinks then, won't ya?
[energetic guitar music]
[all chattering]
[woman giggles]
- Oh, it's your shot.
- Couple of fucking morons.
- I couldn't agree
with you more.
- What, you're not
with them then?
- No, never seen 'em
before in my life.
They're not local, no?
- One of them's fucking English.
Are you here on holiday?
- Aye, aye, here
for the salmon, yep.
- So are they but there's nae
fucking flys in them. [laughs]
- See you later.
[upbeat rock music]
- Did you see that, Shaun?
He fancies his chances
with your Marianne.
- I know, she's fucking
full of herself tonight,
couple of vodkas, she thinks
she's Jennifer fucking Lopez.
[man laughs]
- They've agreed to meet
us, day after tomorrow.
- Where?
- On a train.
- Uh-huh.
- I'll give you
the details later.
- Cool.
- What the fuck?
They've been in
here half an hour
and they've already
managed to pick up
a pair of sex starved slappers.
- Uh-huh, have you seen the
fucking cave men they belong to?
- Fucking hell, no wonder
they're sex starved.
- Did you say something?
- Yeah I did, you should
get your tarts out of here
before they get fucked
on the pool table.
[woman moaning]
- What did you fucking say?
- You heard, you
small-dicked moron,
get your stupid fat-arsed
drunk bitches out of here
before they get knocked
up by those mean bastards.
♪ Ever stopped to wonder
[woman moans]
[upbeat music]
♪ Now he's burning
♪ Schools are learning
[fists thudding]
- Fucking right, come on.
Fucking right.
[glass shattering]
[all shouting]
[stick cracking]
[indistinct]
[upbeat music]
- Here you go darling,
there's a little
fucking memento for ya.
[indistinct]
[singer vocalizing]
- We can't stay
around here anymore.
- I'll find us a
new place tomorrow.
♪ Don't even know
how to do you harm ♪
♪ Can't even see
their pulse beating ♪
♪ And they're actual long gone
- This is a weird fucking place.
- It's a hunting lodge.
- Are we going hunting?
- You two are, tomorrow, keep
you occupied while we're away.
- Fair enough, where
are we getting guns?
- Gamekeeper'll come
by just after dawn.
Edward and I'll be gone by then.
- We do it like this, Charles
drops me off at the station
about an hour before the
train is due to arrive.
He then drives on about 30
miles to the next station
and waits there to pick me up.
- Why aren't we needed?
- Well we need to draw
as little attention
to ourselves as
possible, don't we?
Also it might be a trap.
The insurance company
could have found out
about the Duke's scam,
to cover his tracks
he might be working
with them and the cops
to recover the painting.
We just don't know.
- Someone also needs to
stay with the Leonardo.
- Okay.
- You're a lot younger
than I expected.
I'm Brown.
- No names please.
Where's the Duke?
- You don't think he'd
agree to meet a criminal?
- It's a bit rich, isn't it?
- Look here, how dare you
make demands on His Grace,
he's a very important man.
- Cut to the chase, Lady Jane.
- My god, how do you
know my real name?
- It's my job.
Are you gonna give us a
million and a half or not?
- We certainly are
not, we agreed 10%.
Against my advice,
His Grace has agreed
to let you have 20%
but not a penny more.
- I hope you've
thought it through.
'cause a lot of papers
would pay a lot of money
to get a story about
a toffee-nosed git
fronting a stolen art scam.
There'd be one
hell of a scandal.
- You don't scare me,
I've dealt with dozens
of petty little
criminals like you.
- I'm sure you have,
but we're talking
Leonardo da Vinci here
and that's something
a bit special.
Don't you think?
[ethereal music]
- Well.
- We're wearing
them down, 600,000.
[whistling music]
[guns pop]
[man groans]
- Fuck, James.
- Oh, you stupid
fucking bastard.
- Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, James,
I am fucking sorry, mate.
- Fuck.
- Oh fuck mate, James i thought
you were a fucking deer.
- You thought I
was a fucking deer?
Do I like look like a
fucking deer you fucker?
- Mate, I'm sorry, come here.
- Oh fuck off, oh you
fucking, fucking, fucker.
- [William] Alright,
calm down mate,
you'll get the fucking
gamekeeper down here.
- What the fuck are you saying?
What you want me
to fucking pretend
I'm not fucking shot you fucker?
- James, it's not
actually that bad, mate.
- It's not that fucking bad?
I've probably got enough
fucking shot in here
to fucking lead the roof
of the fucking Canterbury
fucking cathedral.
- You're just getting
upset, alright now come on.
- Upset, I'm fucking
bleeding to death
and you just think
I'm fucking upset?
- Nothing compared
with Kosovo now is it?
- Oh fuck Kosovo, William.
- [William] Aright listen,
come here, sit down,
let me have a look.
- Oh fuck, oh fucking hell.
- Sit, sit back.
Alright, come on, you'll pass
inspection, boy, up you get.
- Fucking hell man.
- No need for language is
there, come on, up you get.
[whistling music]
Here we are.
Right, there we go.
- [groans] I want
a fucking doctor.
- Yeah, you can want all
you fucking want mate,
you ain't going anywhere
'til the others get back.
[James groans]
- You fucking ham fisted fuck.
Oh, fucking hell-
- Oi, I am sick
and fucking tired
of you fucking at
me all the time.
- I'm sorry mate, I didn't
think that'd offend you.
- Well listen to me,
we're supposed to be
buddies aren't we?
And I don't like bad
language amongst buddies.
So why can't we just
speak nice to one another
and keep the fucking
to a minimum?
- Okie dokie.
- Now we'll get you patched up,
see how you are in the morning.
[soft guitar music]
♪ She's so beautiful,
that's how I used to speak ♪
♪ Well my eyes were strong
and my heart was weak ♪
[knocking on glass]
- Good evening, sir.
- Can I help you officer?
- It's Special Constable
George, just routine.
Take it that's your vehicle?
- Yeah, well it's a
hire car but yeah.
- I can see that from
the DVLA readout.
Were you in the vicinity
of a bar called The Stag
in Ayreshire two nights ago?
- Yeah, yeah I was.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm, yeah,
I was at the bar,
and I see talking to these two
other anglers about
fish and stuff,
when these two little
fellas at the pool table
started messing around
with the anglers wives.
- Can I have your name please?
- Yeah, Charles King.
You can check if you
like with the estate
because this place is
booked out in my name.
- I've done that already.
- Who you talking to?
- Go back to sleep, mate.
Yeah as I was saying, the
anglers, the four big fellas,
they eventually started
getting really sort of rowdy
and jealous about
the two little fellas
and basically attacked them.
They gave them a proper beating.
- I thought the report
sounded a bit one sided.
In your opinion, the big
guys beat up the little guys?
- Oh yeah, they gave
'em a battering.
- Oh, I see.
Do you have a number
I can reach you on
if I have any more questions?
- Yeah, it's 07555-
- Mm-hmm.
- 553355.
- Lots of fives, eh?
- Yeah well, lucky number, eh.
- Well thank for
your time, Mr King.
- That's alright.
- Enjoy your stay.
- Thanks, well.
- Bye.
- Goodnight.
♪ Beautiful
♪ Beautiful, uh-huh.
- You go ahead.
- Thanks.
- The hell is she doing here?
[soft guitar music]
[singer vocalizing]
- I'm too sick to move on.
- They have traced you
back to the bar, James.
It's not gonna take 'em long
to figure out there
was four of us.
- Edward's right, I only
bought us a bit of time,
we really should try and get
out of here by the morning.
- Exactly, Charles, have
you got any answers?
- I'm running out of
places to hole up.
There's a quiet place up north
but we're not booked in
there for another two days.
- What's happening
with the money?
- We have got to get a
direct line to the Duke.
I don't fucking trust Brown,
she's a fucking Roedean girl.
She'd turn us in to
save her own neck,
I fucking know it man.
- I need a fucking drink.
- Anyone ever tell you that
you are a fucking alcoholic?
- What the fuck
happened here anyway?
- Why don't you ask the
fucking terminator over there?
[ethereal music]
- You found the fucker yet?
- It's around here
fucking some place.
[phone rings]
- Grab that, that'll be them.
- Hello, where
the fuck are yous?
Who?
Special Constable, there's a
fucking copper on the phone.
- Gimme the phone.
- Constable George, yeah, yeah,
that's it, Charles King, yeah.
Yeah, that is
traffic you can hear
in the background, I'm
driving, that's it.
Of course I've got both
hands on the steering wheel,
it's a hands free kit.
Is that right?
So you want us to come down?
Yeah, no, it's just I can't
really get you right now,
it's just you're breaking up,
look, can I call you back?
- The fuck was that all about?
- That was all about
that fucking fat wife
you were fucking about with.
One of the guys that
attacked us has died.
- Which one?
- Does it fucking
matter which one?
- Yes it does fucking matter.
It's the one you
attacked with a pool cue.
- Oh for fuck's sake.
If I'm fucking caught
I'm gonna go down.
Fucking hell, fucking shot
with a fucking shotgun,
wanted for fucking murder
all in the same fucking week.
- Yeah alright mate,
don't be feeling
so fucking sorry for yourself.
- What, fucking
sorry for myself?
You're the fucking sorriest
bastard in this fucking outfit.
[ethereal music]
- We need to get James help.
- Just let the
little fucker die.
If we take him to a doctor,
he'll see it's a gunshot
wound and call the cops.
- Remember those nurses?
- Forget that, man.
What the fuck, Edward?
- Shh.
Hi, is that Victoria?
Yeah, it's Edward,
no I'm doing fine.
Say that again, I'm
really sorry to hear that.
Yeah you sound upset, listen
what are you doing tomorrow?
Okay good, well how
about I give you a call
and let you know where I'll be?
Uh-huh, yeah, Charles
is still with me.
She wants to know if
she can bring Elizabeth.
- Tell the bitch to go to hell.
- He says yeah that'd be lovely.
Listen one last thing,
James has hurt his shoulder,
could you bring some dressings?
No, William had nothing
to do with it, honestly.
Uh-huh, okay, alright then, bye.
- That Elizabeth is getting
nowhere near my dick.
- All right.
[phone rings]
- Hello.
- Anne died.
- What's that?
- Anne died.
- Yeah.
- You knew she'd
ODd, didn't you?
- Oi don't be, nah that
fucking little bitch
put herself in a coma,
Victoria, so don't be fucking-
- You're a fucking bastard.
- Victoria.
- And what have
you done to James?
- And James, what are
you talking about?
- Serves him right,
he's fucking kinky.
- What?
- Mary's well
pissed off with him.
- Mary, why?
- The fucking animal
pissed on her.
- He what?
- Pissed on her.
- Oh, for fu...
Mate, your fucking reputation's
gone up now apparently.
You are now officially
a fucking animal
according to my cousin.
What is the fucking
matter with you?
[gentle rock music]
♪ Say what they say
- Oh.
- Hello, lift, ya?
- [James] What's that?
- [Woman] Ya, lift?
- [James] Have a
wee drink of that.
- Please, get in.
Let me get that for ya.
- [James] Where are you from?
- [Woman] Denmark.
- [James] Denmark?
- [Woman] Ya.
[engine revs]
♪ To expose
♪ Just a good
♪ A fair weekend
- Where are those morons?
- I don't know, they
disappeared ages ago.
Give 'em a call.
- No signal.
- Typical.
♪ We will have to see
[singer vocalizing]
[woman moans]
[soft music continues]
- [William] Oi, stop, stop it.
I said fucking stop it.
[woman moans]
[soft music continues]
[singer vocalizing]
[engine revving]
- [Edward] Those guys'll never
find this place in the dark.
- Fuck 'em, I'm tired
of thinking for 'em.
Fucking let 'em do
their own thing.
[gun firing]
- Oh, fuck, that fucking gun,
nearly blew my
fucking balls off.
- Oh for fuck's sake. [laughs]
- It's no fucking
laughing matter, Edward.
That gun's got a dodgy
fucking safety catch
and a hair trigger.
- Well don't keep it in your
fucking pocket you moron.
- My nerves are
all shot to hell,
I've got to get
out of here, man.
I'm fucking losing it.
- Charles, Charles, pick
up your fucking jacket
and get inside before
some fucker sees you.
Jesus Christ.
[door slams]
[engine revs]
We need to hide the cars.
- Why?
- It's obvious you moron.
The cops'll trace us
through the number plates.
- Yeah well they
still won't know
we've got anything to do
with the painting, will they?
- Yeah, what's
happening with that?
How many days has is
been now, what six?
- Eight.
- Eight?
And we were promised our
payment within seven,
that was yesterday, right?
- Look we really should
get him to an hospital.
- No we fucking shouldn't,
it's getting sorted.
- How?
- His cousin, Victoria.
- What's she got to
do with anything?
- She's coming here, tomorrow.
- She'll sort you out, man.
- She's only a fucking nurse.
- Oi, she's the best.
- This is all getting
out of control, man.
- Look Charles, don't be going
fucking gaga on
us mate, alright?
Just finish the job.
- Yeah, let's take the 600
thousand and finish the job.
- No, they will go to
a million, Charles,
I saw it in her eyes.
- I'm with Edward on this.
Alright, when's
the next meeting?
- Two days.
- Two days?
Another fucking two days?
My fucking arms gonna
fucking drop off.
- [William] James, get
yourself a drink, mate.
- Why don't we dump him?
- Nah, he's a buddy of mine,
in fact we're all
supposed to be.
- He's right, we're in
this together, to the end.
- Dodgy bastard.
- Well my old man
did always teach me
to carry at least one
spare set with me.
- [Edward] Classy.
[gentle guitar music]
We had to keep up appearances,
four normal guys on vacation.
We hired a boat for fishing
but we underestimated
how bad a state James was in.
- Listen I feel sick
guys, man, I canny do it.
Don't worry I'll
be fucking alright.
[Charles blows]
- Charles, mate, make sure
that thing doesn't go off.
- No fear, clip's
safely in my pocket.
- I've got one.
There she is, grab her
up, Edward, lovely.
- You like killing don't you.
It wasn't the guy James hit
with a pool cue that died,
it was the one you slaughtered
with your fists
on the pool table.
We hired you for
those qualities.
I never told Edward you were
once acquitted for murder.
- Fucking hell, Charles, I
don't need to know any more.
- Charles, I think maybe
you're losing it, mate.
After this is over maybe you can
get yourself a
doctor or something.
- Good, we're all
fucking buddies again.
[engine rumbling]
[light acoustic guitar music]
- Cousin, when did you get here?
- I'm not speaking to you.
Hi.
- Now is that any way
for one family member
to speak to another, is it?
You alright mate?
- Fuck off.
- Fucking wanker.
- Elizabeth, how are ya?
Where you going?
Come on Elizabeth, you
don't fancy that do ya?
I've told you before
darling, you need a real man.
- Shut the fuck up William.
- Yes shut the fuck up
William, you fucking wanker.
You fucking wouldn't
need to be here
if you hadn't been
fucking half blind.
Well I live then?
- Of course you will.
You'll be fine in
a couple of weeks.
- See, told you you were feeling
fucking sorry for yourself.
- Oh you really are a wanker.
So where the fuck's the fish?
- There's a dance in
the village tonight.
- You asking me out?
- You available?
- Could be.
- You gotta watch her Edward,
she's a fucking wild one.
- William shut up.
I bought myself a new
dress just for you.
[energetic rock music]
♪ Here comes the rain again
♪ Raining in my head
like a tragedy ♪
♪ Tearing me apart
- You know I'm a married man?
- I know, I'm married too.
♪ I want to breathe
in the open wind ♪
♪ I want to kiss
like lovers do ♪
♪ Want to dive into your ocean
♪ Is it raining with you
♪ Is it raining
♪ Is it raining
♪ Is it raining
♪ Is it raining
♪ Is it raining
♪ So baby, talk to me
♪ Like lovers do
♪ Like lovers do
♪ Walk with me
♪ Like lovers do,
like lovers do ♪
♪ Here comes the rain again
♪ Raining in my head
like a tragedy ♪
♪ Tearing me apart
like a new emotion ♪
♪ Tearing me apart
like a new emotion ♪
♪ I want to breathe
in the open wind ♪
♪ I want to kiss
like lovers do ♪
♪ Want to dive into your ocean
- Ya fucker, listen mate, I
reckon it's time me and you
split with the fucking painting.
You know you're fucking
stupid, don't ya?
- No, lsiten, William, I've
thought this through, right.
Me and you are for
the fucking high drop
if we get caught, right?
I reckon we slip out
the country, take
the Leonardo with us,
wait for the money to be
wired into our bank accounts?
- What and you reckon Charles
and Ed will go with that?
- No right, listen, we take
that fucking painting, right,
take that out back,
burn the fucker,
tell them it's the Leonardo.
- James, where are
you going with this?
- Tell them we got fucking
paranoid on some weed.
- What weed?
- This fucking weed.
- Well where the fuck
did that come from?
- Got it off Elizabeth, she
deals the fucking stuff.
You gonna tell me that quiet
little bitch is a dope dealer?
- Yep, blame the whole
fucking thing on her.
- James, how much of
that you already had?
- Only half a bag.
- Fucking lunatic I tell
ya, and I was going along
with your fucking stupid
plan for a minute there.
[James laughs]
[gentle jazz music]
- It was one of the calmest
nights I could remember.
The stars were out and the sea
was braking gently on the shore.
We were content and happy.
We were just two
romantic couples
strolling home to have sex.
That is Mary, mm-hmm?
And this guy is Jesus.
[both laughing]
- So this is what all
the fuss is about?
[Edward laughs]
30 fucking million.
[both laughing]
- What's that?
What kind of fucking 500 year
old painting would be wet?
- It's a fucking fake. [laughs]
- They fucking swapped
it before we nicked it.
[both laugh]
oh fuck, oh no.
[keys clacking]
- I've got an uplink.
- Okay, we are willing to
accept your offer of 600,000.
Please proceed with payment
as per prior instructions.
We will expect confirmation by,
what's the latest
we can give them?
- Five.
- Confirmation by 4:30 today.
- Will they go for it?
- Well they're two million up
and they've still got the
original tucked away somewhere.
- They don't know we know that.
- No, they thought we
were gonna burn the fake.
We are now willing to
dispose of the goods
as per original the agreement.
However, you may
be pleased to know
that we have found a
private buyer for the goods.
He is willing to go to
15, half the market value.
However, the said
buyer does wish
to view the goods
before purchasing.
He has agreed to pay
10% directly to us
and will pay the
balance directly to you
into an account of your choice.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
[both chattering indistinctly]
- There, it's gone.
What do we do now?
- Well you wait here.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm taking victoria
out for the day.
[soft music]
- Where's Edward?
- I dunno, they're in the car.
What are they doing in the car?
- Waiting on Edward.
[indistinct]
I know, fucking, going out.
- Ready to go?
- Aye.
- I'm gonna stay
here with Charles.
- Suit yourself, babe, you're
missing a bloody good piss up.
- See you later.
♪ Where I can't seem to think
- Gimme the keys.
- So what's happening, is
the deal still going through?
- Well we'll know by
later this afternoon.
- Hear that mate?
I won't have to work
for a fucking long time.
And after today you'll be able
to get any fucking
woman you want.
- Fucking dream on.
[engine revving]
♪ All I know
♪ Is I want you
♪ Nothing else
can get me there ♪
♪ To the point
where I don't care ♪
♪ All I know
♪ Is I want you, I
want you, I want you ♪
♪ Tell me
♪ Why it is I'm so addicted
to the way you touch me ♪
♪ Like you need to see
- [Edward] The
whisky made us forget
all the wheeling and dealing
of the previous week.
We were no more crooked than
the Jetstream business men
who had made themselves
multibillionaires
with empires of
water, malt and peat
and sold it to the world
as the elixir of life.
Whisky had ruined
entire civilizations,
from the wild west to
the jungles of Borneo.
It sold for its
weight in silver.
Oh the horror, the
frightening horror.
For us, it was
fucking brilliant.
[gentle guitar music]
♪ I've run out
♪ That's where
you're so mistaken ♪
♪ You take me to a high
♪ Of just no other kind
♪ I don't want
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't need
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't want
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't need anything
♪ Besides
♪ Things get bigger
♪ A price
♪ Is well just go figure
♪ When I think way back when
♪ I can't go back again
♪ I don't want
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't need
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't want
anything but you ♪
♪ I don't need anything
- Yes.
William, it's some
tart of yours.
- Hello.
- What the fuck did
you do that for?
- Sorry.
- Nothing to do with you, babe.
- It was that cop again.
- She's obviously taken
a fancy to you, William.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Oo, fucking awful smell
of sex in here guys, man.
Fucking stinking.
- It's in.
- What?
- They've made the transfer
to the four accounts,
150,000 each.
- Fuck, they bought
the whole fucking scam.
- They wanna meet us tomorrow
to talk about the buyer.
- We don't have a buyer.
- I could be the buyer.
- Don't they know you?
- No, I've only spoken to
Lady Jane once on the phone,
the rest has been by email.
- Where do they wanna meet?
- Central station, Glasgow,
we have to bring the painting.
- What is it with
fucking trains?
Okay, we'll do it, but only
if the Duke's at the meeting.
Tell them the buyer won't
meet with anyone else.
- We've got to go
back to work tomorrow.
- Oh forget work,
I'll pay your way.
We'll go on a trip
round the world.
- I like my work, I
care about what I do,
I'm not gonna give
it up just for you.
- No, me neither.
- [Charles] Cheers, John.
- So what's the point
in meeting them?
- Well they've got
the real painting.
They know that the buyer's
gonna recognise ours as a fake.
- Nah, still don't get it.
- Well they'll bring
the real painting
with them, won't they?
And they'll have to confess
that they've been
duping us all along.
- Why would they do that?
- 'Cause they're
greedy motherfuckers,
they get to double dip.
They get the insurance money
and they get a great price
for a work they can't
sell in the open market.
- So we steal it a second time
and when we've got
the real Leonardo,
we'll extort another, I don't
know, million out of them.
- Well what makes you
think they're gonna pay up?
- Well we'll threaten to hand
the painting over to the police
and then the insurance
company won't pay out
and they'll be down 600 grand.
- I get it, they fuck with
us, we fuck with them.
- Well that's it exactly.
- Do you guys want
to play doubles?
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- I won't be waiting for you
when you get out of jail.
- We're honest crooks, Victoria.
- So are doctors and
lawyers and accountants,
but what they do is legal.
- [Edward] So tell
me you don't love me.
- I don't love you.
- Well if you mean it, say
it with some conviction.
- [Victoria] Fuck off.
- [Edward] Victoria.
- All I want from a
guy is common sense,
someone who cares about me,
someone who wants to
come home every night
and doesn't have to
bring their friends.
Is that too much to ask.
- It's nothing at all.
[door slams]
- Fucking hell.
[soft guitar music]
♪ 'Cause beauty's
on the inside ♪
♪ Not in the way you look
♪ And you can never
judge a cover ♪
♪ Until you've read the book
♪ If a cure for
cancer was found ♪
♪ If the deaf could
suddenly hear a sound ♪
♪ If all the encaged
children were free ♪
♪ And all the blind
people could see ♪
♪ If all the cripple
world could walk ♪
♪ And all the dumb
world could talk ♪
♪ It ain't pretty,
it ain't cool ♪
♪ But that's what
I call beautiful ♪
♪ Beautiful
[gate creaks]
- Come on Edward.
She's just a fucking nurse,
what do they know about life?
Mate, they wipe asses all day
and drink themselves
stupid all night,
where's the fucking
philosophy in that, huh?
They're not all angels
like Juliette Binoche
in "The English Patient".
And you are no fucking
dickless Ralph Fiennes
bandaged up like the
fucking invisible man.
Forget her.
- What like you've
moved on form Elizabeth?
- Fuck no, I'm seeing
her tomorrow night,
soon as we've finished this job.
- You are a cunt.
- [laughs] Thank you.
- Hello there, stranger.
You never called me back.
- Uh, no I thought
you were on duty.
- Oh, I'm only a
Special Constable.
I'm jacking it in anyway, I
like to have a social life.
Is that your
hunting trip friend?
- Yeah but we're
done on hunting now.
- Good, you can buy me a drink.
Naughty boy.
[upbeat electronic music]
- Who the fuck is that?
- That my friend is the
woman that I'm gonna marry.
- Go on you good thing.
[upbeat electronic music]
- Do you want to
play a little game?
- What you got in mind?
- Oh well, you'll
have to wait and see.
- Is that right?
- Oh yes, but I'm
sure you'll like it.
Oh yes, I'm very sure
you'll like it. [giggles]
- Oi, what are you doing?
- [Police Woman] Making
sure that you never escape.
- That was a fucking quicky.
- Yeah, well.
- No fucking marriage then?
- No mate, I have seen the
error of my ways, I tell ya.
- That's her.
- This is him?
- Yep.
- He looks shifty to
me, can you trust him?
- Absolutely.
- Give me the painting then.
- We came here to buy it,
not to give it back to you.
- We're not stupid, we
know you know it is a copy.
- Where the fuck's the duke?
- Don't know.
- Give it to me then I'll
show you the original.
- No, we'll only hand it
over to the duke I'm afraid.
- He's not going to expose
himself in public like this.
- Have you got the
police watching us?
- No, we want to sell the
painting in good faith.
You have to turn
over the copy first.
- Then what?
- Then meet us
here in four hours.
- You should be aware,
we're photographing you.
If you fuck up or don't show up,
we're sending
photographs to the police
and the insurance company.
They'll think it's the real
painting, you'll go down.
Off you go.
- Get the photographs developed,
we'll meet you in one hour.
[ethereal music]
- So we have to go
back to the castle
where we stole the
fucking painting from
in the first place?
- That is right.
- And take the fucking Leonardo?
- Yes.
- And have a
fucking conversation
with the fucking owner Duke?
- The Duke was a
colonel in the paras.
- Fucking paras, everybody
in the army knows
the paras are a bunch
of fucking nancies.
Who knows what the old
cunt might be planning.
- I wouldn't worry
about it too much,
he ain't been clever
up to know, has he?
- Yeah, maybe we're just
being fucking paranoid, eh?
He's gonna get out the
fucking cheese and biscuits.
- Just shut up.
Right, let's get out of here.
- [James] I still don't
see how we're gonna get
any more fucking
money out of them.
- The idea is to
steal the painting,
James you fucking moron.
- Oh, well I
thought we'd already
stole the fucking painting.
- James, do you just
never listen, mate?
- Yeah, but what I hear
doesn't make fucking sense.
- Right, let's get down to it.
Now, I'm not gonna mess about.
Call the police, will you Jane?
- I've no signal, sir.
- What?
- I've no signal.
- Well go in the other
room, use the land line.
So, you thought you could
blackmail me, did you?
Speak up.
- I think you're fucking mad.
- What, what did you say?
- He said you're mad.
- Oh and you're not?
The deal was 10% of
the insurance payout,
you've had 20% and
now you want more.
- The deal was three million,
that means you're almost two
and a half million short.
How much is that worth?
- It's the oldest
trick in the book.
I was in the parachute regiment.
[tense music]
- Police'll be here
in 15 minutes, sir.
- Excellent, is that the copy?
Good, you get it
Jane, would you?
That means we can charge you
with trying to pass a forgery
for the insurance reward,
that should give you about
our years each, I should say.
Will you check
their pockets, Jane.
- Well when the
police do get here,
I think you should reconsider
what you're gonna tell them.
- Oh do you, well I'm not going
to reconsider a damn thing.
Ah, what's that an
eight millimeter?
That means we can have you
for possession of a firearm,
that'd be another five
years each I should think.
Stand still.
- Are you gonna point
that somewhere else?
- [Duke] It's a sting.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Free some
♪ Gonna free someone
♪ You're gonna free someone
[gun firing]
[gun firing]
- [Edward] Charles.
Fucking hell.
- Let's get the
fuck out of here.
- [Edward] No, leave
that, leave it.
Let the cops find them with it.
[whistling]
[relaxed jazz music]
[engine revs]
- "The tragic
events of last night
reveal a complex set
of circumstances.
The Duke was found dead with
his secretary, Lady Jane Brown.
It is thought that they
had a lovers quarrel
and that Lady Jane
shot the Duke,
then took her own life
with the same gun.
Beside their bodies lay the
Leonardo da Vinci painting,
valued at 30 million pounds,
spectacularly stolen
only 10 days ago.
However, the one unanswered
question for the police
is the copy of the
famous painting found
hanging in the room
where the original was
displayed prior to its theft.
Staff report hearing the
sound of a car arriving
and leaving before and
after the sound of gunshots.
One of the estate workers
also saw torch light
in the woods, earlier
in the evening.
The Duke was much loved
and will be sorely missed
by all who knew him
to be one of Scotland's
most honorable men."
- Yeah right.
- Oi, have a little
charity, the fucker is dead.
- Aye, and Lady Jane.
Cut down in her
fucking prime, man.
- So why didn't you
just take the Leonardo?
- As far as the police are
concerned, the case is closed,
they're not gonna be
looking for anyone else.
- So why did we have to
put the painting back?
- It was our insurance
in case the Duke
tried to turn us
over to the police.
It wouldn't have
looked too good for him
when the tour guides found it.
The painting that we took to him
was your photograph
of Lady Jane.
- Yous two are real
smart fuckers, guys, man.
- Cheers.
- I've gotta give you it, man.
Put it there, put it there.
- Hang on, hang on, sit down.
So at the end of the day we
still only get 150 grand each?
- Mate think of the people
that earn 200 quid a week.
- Uh-huh, think about it, guys.
If you two worked 40 hours
a week at McDonald's,
it'd take you 15
years to earn that.
- Before tax, you got
that in 10 days, be happy.
- Fucking right mate, we
are fucking lucky fuckers.
- Fair enough, well done mate.
- [James] Nice one.
- Good boy.
- What now, then?
- I've got a girl to meet.
- What about your wife?
- We divorced two years ago.
- You dirty little
slag, go on then,
but you tell that Elizabeth
once you're done with her
that she can come and see me.
- Right you fucker,
let's go, come on.
You promised me a wee
pump a that copper.
- Oh you wanna get
handcuffed do ya.
- Fucking sounds good to me.
- Alright, fair
enough, come on then.
See you later, chaps.
- Uh-huh, have fun.
- [James] See yous later.
- See you boys.
What are you gonna do?
- I dunno, take a vacation.
- Yeah, me too, I've talked
Elizabeth into taking time off.
- Good.
- There she is now.
- Victoria's taken time off too.
Hey girls.
- [Edward] Hello.
- What do you say we give it
a try, mister honest crook?
- [Edward] One
week or two, baby?
[phone rings]
- Hello, yep, shit, okay.
Yup, thanks, bye.
Hey, we've been offered the use
of a villa in the south
of France, how about it?
- Beats the fucking snow.
- Let's go.
[soft music]
♪ Just to burn
♪ With every curve
♪ To expose all she knows
♪ You play like tea
♪ Just a girl
♪ Who felt weaker
♪ To expose all she knows
[phone rings]
- Hello.
Hold on.
It's Edward, he wants to know
if we want to go to
the Riviera with him,
steal a Van Gogh worth
fucking 70 million.
- What would the cut be?
Yeah, Edward.
No mate, we would
never stand a chance.
[guns click]
[whistling]
[upbeat jazz music]
[upbeat jazz music continues]
[upbeat jazz music continues]