Raindogs (2004) - full transcript

Four young crooks steal a Da Vinci painting in exchange for the insurance money. They create an elaborate heist, which proves more difficult to accomplish than they first thought.

[soft music]

[water lapping]

[light acoustic guitar music]

♪ No doubt

♪ You're gonna be thinking

♪ I've run out

♪ That's where

you're so mistaken ♪

♪ You take me to a high

♪ Of just no other kind

- It was all supposed

to be nice and easy,

a piece of piss.

Centuries of decay and ruin.

The Duke's edifice

was full of 700 years

of thieving and robbing.

It was sickening.

All that money hanging from

walls that had been built

on spoils of slavery

and gun running.

Now, the new Duke

was hard up for cash

and had devised a

way of paying off

his dear old dead Dad's debts.

And this is a da Vinci?

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

It's lovely, how

much is it worth?

- It's insured for

30 million pounds.

- Is it?

Cord's a wee bit frayed.

You might wanna

replace it just in case

it falls over and you

have to make a claim.

[light rock music]

[singer vocalizing]

♪ I sing it out loud

to a waiting crowd ♪

♪ The mask falls from

my face like a stone ♪

♪ Thoughts flicker in me

like commercials on TV ♪

♪ In a spotlight, I

stand all exposed ♪

♪ It's a weird masquerade,

a freak show manmade ♪

♪ We're all looking

for something inside ♪

♪ It's a twisted place, one

mind's back street maze ♪

♪ You'll never sure of

what you might find ♪

♪ So look into

these eyes of mine ♪

- [Woman] Make your way back

by following the

signs to the exit.

- Excuse me, darling.

Do you mind helping me find

this really famous painting?

- Aye, sure big man.

I might see that

one too, ya know?

- [Woman] Right, okay.

[mysterious music]

- It's over here.

- [James] She's

fucking falling for it.

[Woman screams]

Shut the fuck up.

[woman screaming]

[ominous music]

[alarm bell rings]

This'll be fucking good

for your sex life darling.

Alright, you'll back it

like a fucking rabbit

after this, believe me.

- How was she?

- Fantastic, lazy

bugger. [cheers]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Don't call me stupid

if I can't understand ♪

♪ Why we fight and steal

and hurt our fellow man ♪

♪ My eyes are open but

somehow I just can't see ♪

♪ That that's the way,

the way it's meant to be ♪

♪ That's just the way

it's meant to be ♪

♪ That's just the way

it's meant to be ♪

- Here they come and

they've got the painting.

- Excellent.

So the one thing they're good at

besides drinking is thieving.

♪ Don't call me darling, those

words you just can't say ♪

♪ First you break my heart

and then you walk away ♪

♪ My eyes are closed and

too dark for me to see ♪

♪ That that's the way,

the way it's meant to be ♪

♪ That's just the way

it's meant to be ♪

♪ That's just the way

it's meant to be ♪

♪ That's just the way

it's meant to be ♪

[all cheer]

- Yeah.

- It's a fucking piece of piss.

- I am fucking knackered mate,

oh fuck this for way

to make a living,

I'm fucking retiring

after this job I tell ya.

- You're only fucking 28, man.

- So?

It don't matter mate.

With this baby I am up 750

fucking thousand right.

- Yes.

- Fucking right, boys,

tonight the duke will be

claiming his 30 million.

This time next week

we will have our 10%

split four ways

and wired right in

to our beautiful fat

fucking bank accounts.

- How does that work, Charles?

- IT's all done

by bank transfer,

the Duke can authorize

the money to be paid

from his Swiss account

into the four accounts

I set up for us in the

tropical island of Granada.

- I just fucking, I love

this world, Charles.

I love this fucking world mate,

I just can't wait

to get my hands

on all those beautiful

fucking women.

- Mate you don't have to fucking

go there to get your money.

- I know that but

it sounds to me

as good as fucking

any place to be.

- Fucking right.

- This is the real

fucking thing.

- [cheers] So fucking easy.

[upbeat jazz music]

[upbeat rock music]

[singer vocalizing]

♪ The word is on the streets,

the word is on the streets ♪

♪ That's just the way

it's meant to be ♪

♪ It's just the, it's

just the, oh the way ♪

♪ Give it to me baby,

give it to me one time ♪

♪ Give it to me baby,

give it to me one time ♪

♪ Give it to me, give

it to me one time ♪

♪ Come on, come on

♪ Now, now, give it to me

baby, give it to me one time ♪

♪ Give it to me baby,

give it to me one time ♪

♪ Give it to me baby,

give it to me one time ♪

♪ That's just the way

- And they walked right

in, just like that?

- News report said it was awful,

he had his hands all

over the poor girl.

He was gonna kidnap her.

- For a painting?

- Not just any painting,

a da Vinci.

- Well now I see what

all the fuss is about,

there's not many of

them around, is there?

- Most valuable painting

ever stolen in Britain.

- God, that's saying

something isn't it?

I wonder if they'll

ever find it?

- We need to get rid of it.

- You better believe it,

it's the only thing that

links us to the heist.

- It's a pity, but I'm

in it for the money.

- We'll deal with it tomorrow.

- What shall we do

with it tonight?

- [Edward] Well William and

James can keep it in their room.

- Wait, no, no, no,

you leave us out of it.

- Yeah, why our room?

- Anyway, we might be

taking some young ladies

back to our room this evening.

And you wouldn't want them

to see it now, would ya?

- Alright, keep

your voices down.

We'll take care of it tonight.

- Good, well 'til then,

excuse us gentlemen.

- Chill out, Charles,

everything's exactly

like we planned.

- Yeah, I suppose so, fuckers,

we're supposed to be property

developers on holiday.

- Waiter, two

bottles of champagne

and another two for them

and the tarts, thank you.

[Heavy rock music]

♪ It was all a lie

♪ The smile on a

spouse that cheats ♪

♪ A two faced friend

that you wanna believe ♪

♪ The gleam in a

politician's eye ♪

♪ Did you hear about Tom

and his only friend ♪

♪ He kept his mask

in a little syringe ♪

♪ You'd never know it

by looking at him ♪

♪ His face hidden

behind a plastic grin ♪

♪ He can be anything to anyone

- [Charles] Can't

do this Edward.

- [Edward] Shut up,

Charles, it's gotta be done.

- Why has it gotta be done?

I want a reason from

each of you why.

- It's in the plan,

we nick the thing,

burn it and collect the money.

- [William] Edward

is right you dodo,

we're sticking to the plan.

- You cannot just fucking burn

a 500 year old masterpiece

on a scummy Scottish beach.

- [William] You can say a

prayer first if you like, mate.

- You're a fucking idiot.

What do you know about art?

- I don't know anything

about art, mate

which is why I'm perfectly

happy to burn that fucking thing

and then the four of us, well,

go for a drink, can't we?

- [Edward] Boys listen,

we're business partners,

it's no time to get sentimental

about the job in hand.

I mean it's a fucking

great piece of art

but is the world

gonna come to an end

if we send it up in smoke?

- Let's think of it as a

peace offering to the gods.

- [Charles] Well you're

a fucking idiot as well.

- Fuck you then.

Do you think I care

about that fucking thing?

I mean look at it, Charles,

it is a piece of shit.

People are fucking crazy,

mate, 30 million for that?

Nah, that's taking

the fucking piss.

- David Beckham's worth that.

- Fuck David Beckham.

Man you can't even put

him in the same league

as Leonardo da Vinci.

- Fucking da Vinci

wouldn't even get a game

for a reserve team in the

Scottish Third Division.

- Fucking rubbish, if da

Vinci played football,

man he'd be with Barcelona.

- Well Beckham's with

fucking Real Madrid,

so that proves he's worth more

than this fucking da Vinci guy.

- Look, da Vinci's not some

glorified fucking nancy boy

with tattoos up his arms,

he's the fucking tattooist.

- Who cares about

fucking tattoos?

- Why don't you two

just shut the fuck up.

Maybe da Vinci is the

all time goal scorer

in the history of fucking

art, who gives a fuck?

It's just another game, right?

- Right, and if

it's just a game,

then we can change

the rules, man.

Way I see it is this-

- I'm not fucking interested

in the way you see it,

we get caught with this

fucker, we get 10 years.

- What's the matter

with you bastard?

Fucking hell, dude,

do you wanna abort the

whole fucking deal?

Guys let's look

at this sensibly.

One, if we destroy the

painting we get fucking paid.

Two, we don't destroy

it but we say we did,

we still get paid.

The only way we're

not gonna get paid

is if that fucking painting

shows up before next week.

And it's not gonna

happen, is it?

- Well it won't, no.

Not unless someone

gets greedy, eh.

- Okay, Let's burn the fucker.

- Yes.

- [Edward] Oh shit.

- [James] Here,

you're the goalie.

- [William] Come on,

over here, here ya are.

- What the fuck?

We've been scammed, William,

wake it up you dozy fucker.

- What does it say?

- Cheapskate bastard.

- Read it to me.

- The painting has

not been insured

to the value of its

estimated worth.

- What?

- Fucking knew it was too

good to be fucking true.

- Shut up.

- The insurance company

has said that only

about three million

will be paid out if

it's not recovered.

- Jesus.

- What the fuck has

Jesus got to do with it?

[whistling]

[relaxed jazz music]

- What was the exact wording

of the deal, Charles?

- 10% of the insurance

claim payout.

- Well you offered

me 750 grand Edward.

- I'll get in touch

with the Duke's men.

- Yeah, those fucking rich

bastards are all the same, mate.

They don't care about the

fucking little man, I tell you.

[all laughing]

Fucking cockroach crawling cunt.

- [Edward] For fuck sake

man, hit the fucker.

- You got something

to fucking say, boy?

- You're a fucking nutter.

- Got something to fucking say?

I'm just sick of all of

his fucking bullshit, mate.

That's all I get

from any of you boys.

And we're supposed

to be buddies.

- We were only playing golf.

- Well I hate it, it's

only a fucking hole.

- Calm down mate, relax man.

Anyway we're all on the same

fucking side here, it's cool.

- Okay, so this is

a blow in, right?

No 750 grand, it's a blow.

- I'm just as hacked

off as you are.

Except I'm taking it out on

that stupid fucking white ball.

- Yeah I'm sorry Edward, I am.

I lost it there, and I've

never played golf before.

- You fucking liar.

Told this lassies last

night he had no handicap

and had eight holes in one.

- Yeah well, I weren't

talking about golf.

- Boy's a natural.

- Gimme some fucking

air here, guys.

- Charles just remind me

how this works again mate

because surely the cops gonna

be reading the Duke's emails?

- We use encryption

software, William.

We communicate using

Hotmail addresses

that can be logged on remotely

with a laptop and a phone line.

- Has he replied?

- The Duke's agent, no.

But I've told him we're

not leaving Scotland

'til the transfer goes through.

- So what now?

- [Edward] We just

keep on the move.

- [Charles] I've

arranged to pick up

two new cars in the morning.

We'll travel in pairs

to our next location.

- [William] Oh,

we've got to be cool.

The cops will know by now

that there's four of us.

- If anyone asks what

you do, your car dealers

taking a week's vacation

to hunt and fish.

- [James] Fish with what?

- You'll be supplied with

the right gear tomorrow.

- What about clothes?

- It's all been taken care of.

- If we're gonna get caught,

it's gonna happen over

the next few days, okay?

You don't ask each other

personal questions,

you don't make calls

to your friends,

and you do not pick up girls.

- Of course.

Our phones are off and

our lips are sealed.

- Alright, good.

- So who's taking

the Leonardo then?

- Well what about

highest card takes it?

Is that alright?

Jamesy.

- Fucking hustler.

[soft music]

What is it with all this

fucking cloak and dagger stuff?

- Look mate, why don't we

just make the best of it?

Tell you what, let's

stop for a drink

and then I'll organize

us a fun night in.

- Seems a good idea, mate.

[soft music]

- Have you ever had these

deals go wrong before?

- Nope, I've always

been paid half up front

and the rest on delivery.

But then again, they've

all been small jobs

compared to this one.

- Really didn't think there'd be

such a fucking fuss about it.

- We're unlucky,

we did it on a day

when nothing else happened.

No bombings, no wars, nothing.

- What is it with the press?

- It's the Leonardo factor.

Guy's been making headlines

since the 16th century.

- Victoria, yeah no I'm in a

fucking payphone somewhere,

no mobiles don't

work up here darling.

Listen, you coming over?

Good, nice, yeah, you gotta

be there by eight though.

Yeah, alright listen,

I want you to bring

three friends with ya.

Yeah, no, no, I don't wanna

see that fucking bird.

Alright, yeah that'll do.

Elizabeth, Mary and who?

Say that again, Anne.

I don't think you ever

mentioned, does she fuck?

Of course darling, don't

you worry about that,

he'll fucking pay her to fuck

him for the rest of his life.

[laughs] Alright listen,

shut up, shut up,

listen, get a pen, I've

got the address for ya.

[duck quacks]

[relaxed jazz music]

[engine revs]

Totally fucking lost, aren't we?

- I think we turned the

wrong way a few miles back.

- Great, get in, dickhead.

[light acoustic guitar music]

[all shouting]

[soft rock music]

♪ Things I don't know

[both moaning]

- [Woman] Gentle.

- [laughs] Never rough.

Get these fuckers off, get off.

[woman breathing heavily]

- Not just another one

of your girls, am I?

- [James] No way, I'm actually

a virgin you know. [laughs]

- Right.

[both moaning]

You're not disease

ridden are you?

- [James] I've never needed

a fucking doctor in my life.

- Good.

[both breathing heavily]

♪ Tell me

♪ Why it is I'm so addicted

to the way you touch me ♪

[both moaning]

♪ Standing on the

edge of things ♪

[both moaning]

♪ Oh

♪ Oh

[both moaning]

♪ Nothing else can

bring me there ♪

♪ To the point

where I don't care ♪

[all laughing]

- Mary.

- Wahey.

- [James] Fuck off.

Fuck off.

- [William] You fucker.

- Go girl.

- Well done.

[all cheering]

- [Women] Go on, Mary.

- Fuck off.

- [William] Go on James.

[all shouting]

Give us a bit as well.

[all laughing]

Come 'ere.

[all shouting]

One, and here comes

the other one.

- No, no, William, no.

- What the fuck's going on here?

- Dickheads.

- Oi, oi, oi.

[all laughing]

Uh, Edward, I'd like

you to meet Victoria.

- Hello handsome.

- And Charles, why don't you

come over and meet Elizabeth.

- Hello.

- She'll show you round.

- Well, I'm married.

- Don't worry, I won't bite.

You can talk to me

about your wife.

- It's on the house.

[Elizabeth laughing]

[soft music]

- William.

- Little Annie.

I've been looking for you.

[both breathing heavily]

Here, you like that

don't you little Annie.

- [Anne] Yeah.

- Yeah.

So what do you do for

a living little Annie?

- [moans] Not so

hard, I'm a nurse.

- Oh, come on.

Don't you want it

hard, little Annie,

little nursie, huh?

- Yes. [moans]

- You been a bad little nursie?

Huh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- There you go, there

you go, there you go.

There you go, there

you go, there you go.

You gonna feel my

thing under the bed?

Have ya?

Yeah, while they lie there.

[both breathing heavily]

There you go, there

you go, there you go.

There you go, there you go.

There you go, there you go.

- William's kept

you well hidden.

- I'm easy to find.

- So I see.

- [Edward] What time do you

have to be back at work?

- Two o'clock, I start the late

shift this week at A and E.

Look, you're a nice guy,

but if you're mixed

up with William

you'll be into some weird shit,

I just did this for the money.

- [Edward] How much?

- 200.

- I'll give you another

200 if you'll see me again.

[Victoria sighs]

- The next time would

have been on the house.

[soft music]

- It's time to go.

- [Edward] Hey.

- What about breakfast?

[soft music]

[singer vocalizing]

- What the fuck have

you done with her?

- [William] Well I told you not

to bring any

crackheads, didn't I?

- Dickhead.

- [Elizabeth] Hey, would

you go easy on her?

- [William] Shut the

door, there you go.

Fuck sake.

- Call me.

- What the fuck, get in

the fucking car, in you go.

- It's usually the married ones

that have the

guilty consciences.

- [William] Off you go.

[engine revs]

- What got in to you?

- This dickhead let one

of them see the painting.

- Oh she's not gonna remember

a fucking thing, is she?

- What the fuck were they

doing here in the first place?

- Relaxation.

- Relaxation?

That Elizabeth nearly

wore my fucking knob off.

[all laughing]

- You sly fucking fox.

You better just hope your

dick doesn't fall off

before you get back to the wife.

- [Edward] That's

three days in a row

we've been on the front page.

- [Charles] Have they

any more clues about us?

- Uh-huh, found the first

car we've abandoned.

- That was on the cards.

It was a hot car

with false plates,

they won't be able to

trace it back to us.

- Good, the client'll feel safe.

- They'll still need

proof that we've

destroyed the painting

before they'll pay up.

- Yeah we'll do it

when we get back,

send them a bit of the

canvas in tonight's post.

- I'll let them know.

- Good, all this hanging

around makes me nervous.

- Me too.

[whistling]

[relaxed jazz music]

- Piece of piss.

At least there's no

fucking lousy midges

at this time of the year, mate.

- James, can I ask you

a personal question?

- No personal questions, orders.

- Oi, listen who got you out

of the fucking trouble mate?

You were supposed to hide

the painting, remember?

It's just as well that

bird was fucking out of it,

or we'd have had to top her.

From now on I'm looking

after the painting.

- You're a fucking drama queen.

So you saved my ass, big wow.

What the fuck have you done

with the painting then?

- Well why don't you

answer my personal question

and I'll show ya.

- What is this, the

fucking "Weakest Link"?

- James I mean, I thought we

were buddies and it hurts.

- You're a fucking pain.

- And I know that

means you love me.

- Like a pimple on my dick.

What's the fucking question?

- All it is, is what

was that Mary like?

- That's not a fucking question,

that is a fucking liberty.

- Yes, so tell me.

Come on, how'd she take it.

- [blows] Front, back,

in, out, fucking up, down.

Any way you want mate.

- I knew it, I fucking, the

moment I saw that girl man

I fucking knew

she was up for it.

- You're a fucking pervert.

- Yes.

- So what have you done

with the painting then?

- Well, I put it somewhere safe.

It's for our guarantee

of getting a fair

and equitable

share of the money.

- You should trust

Charles and Edward.

Cool mate.

- Yeah, listen, that

Charles is on the verge

of a fucking breakdown, alright.

Pretty soon he's gonna

be totally unpredictable

and I assure you

that's the last thing

we want from a fucking ops man.

- I'm telling you William,

right, 15 pound line,

it doesn't jut fucking

snap on you like that man,

the thing must have

been a fucking monster.

- You're just the

fucking bag men,

what have you done with it?

- Boys, let's have a drink.

- Don't fucking

test me, William.

- It's not fucking

funny, William.

- There's no one

laughing, Edward.

Funny though, James and I were

just talking about you two.

- Don't fucking look

at me like that.

I just want to know what

the fuck's going on here.

- Fucking tell him, Edward.

- They're sticking

to giving us 10%.

- How much is that?

- 300 grand.

- What each?

- No between us.

- Oh so that's less than

a hundred grand each then.

- 75,000, minus five grand

each for operation costs.

- You're fucking kidding us.

- What kind of life is 70,000

gonna buy you, Charles?

- Yeah exactly, that

is fucking shit.

- And we'll get nothing

if we don't send the proof

that we've destroyed

the Leonardo.

- Oh for fuck's sake, what's

the fucking matter with you?

Fucking put that away.

You're supposed to be

the brains ain't ya?

The fucking business head, you,

the fucking one

with the leverage.

- A deal's a deal, William.

We made a gentleman's agreement,

10% of the insurance claim

payout, whatever it is.

- Yeah, right, but we're

not fucking gentlemen

are we, Charles?

We're fucking crooks.

- D'you know, even I think yous

are a pair of fucking morons.

We've got the fucking painting.

So just for all

our sakes remind us

how much the fucking

thing is valued at.

- 30 million.

- And they wanna

give us 300 grand.

- Is that taking

the piss or what?

- This is what we're gonna do.

We're gonna sell the

painting back to them.

- What?

- You're nuts.

- You're gonna do

the negotiation.

You're gonna Hotmail

these fucking idiots

and you're gonna explain to them

that we are selling the

painting back to them

for one and a half million.

This is fair, it means we

get half of our original deal

and they get to keep half

of their insurance claim.

- They'll never go for that.

- Would you like to bet on it?

- I like it.

- You're gonna go

along with this shit?

- 70,000 is fuck all, Charles.

- How are you gonna get 'em to

pay us a million and a half.

Because we got the

painting, Charles.

The painting's valued

at 30 million pounds,

alright, and they've

got an insurance claim

with three million.

But they only get

that insurance claim

if we don't send the

painting back to them,

'cause if we did then

they'd get nothing.

- If I was them I'd forget

about the fucking

insurance claim,

sell the painting at

auction for 30 million.

- Everything the duke

owns is in trust.

Technically he owns nothing,

he's not allowed

to sell anything.

- Well then a million and a

half's a good deal for him

and he gets his painting back.

- He could collect the payout

then sell the painting

to a private collector.

- A client of mine did that.

The private collector ran it

through a stolen

property register,

then bought in the

FBI and Interpol.

My client got three years.

- Did he get his painting back?

- No, the FBI sold it

at a knock-down price

to cover the

investigation costs.

Guess who bought it?

- Private collector.

- Oh, of course.

- It's up to us, right?

Because whether we send it back,

or whether we destroy

it, it's our call.

- I'm in.

- I'm in too.

- You're a bunch of lunatics.

- Charles, set up a meeting

with the Duke's man.

- Where?

- Somewhere that the cops

and the insurance

investigators can't tail him.

Right boys, where's

the painting.

- Yes William, what

have you done with it?

Lovely.

- Feel better you motherfuckers?

Good, you'll be buying

the drinks then, won't ya?

[energetic guitar music]

[all chattering]

[woman giggles]

- Oh, it's your shot.

- Couple of fucking morons.

- I couldn't agree

with you more.

- What, you're not

with them then?

- No, never seen 'em

before in my life.

They're not local, no?

- One of them's fucking English.

Are you here on holiday?

- Aye, aye, here

for the salmon, yep.

- So are they but there's nae

fucking flys in them. [laughs]

- See you later.

[upbeat rock music]

- Did you see that, Shaun?

He fancies his chances

with your Marianne.

- I know, she's fucking

full of herself tonight,

couple of vodkas, she thinks

she's Jennifer fucking Lopez.

[man laughs]

- They've agreed to meet

us, day after tomorrow.

- Where?

- On a train.

- Uh-huh.

- I'll give you

the details later.

- Cool.

- What the fuck?

They've been in

here half an hour

and they've already

managed to pick up

a pair of sex starved slappers.

- Uh-huh, have you seen the

fucking cave men they belong to?

- Fucking hell, no wonder

they're sex starved.

- Did you say something?

- Yeah I did, you should

get your tarts out of here

before they get fucked

on the pool table.

[woman moaning]

- What did you fucking say?

- You heard, you

small-dicked moron,

get your stupid fat-arsed

drunk bitches out of here

before they get knocked

up by those mean bastards.

♪ Ever stopped to wonder

[woman moans]

[upbeat music]

♪ Now he's burning

♪ Schools are learning

[fists thudding]

- Fucking right, come on.

Fucking right.

[glass shattering]

[all shouting]

[stick cracking]

[indistinct]

[upbeat music]

- Here you go darling,

there's a little

fucking memento for ya.

[indistinct]

[singer vocalizing]

- We can't stay

around here anymore.

- I'll find us a

new place tomorrow.

♪ Don't even know

how to do you harm ♪

♪ Can't even see

their pulse beating ♪

♪ And they're actual long gone

- This is a weird fucking place.

- It's a hunting lodge.

- Are we going hunting?

- You two are, tomorrow, keep

you occupied while we're away.

- Fair enough, where

are we getting guns?

- Gamekeeper'll come

by just after dawn.

Edward and I'll be gone by then.

- We do it like this, Charles

drops me off at the station

about an hour before the

train is due to arrive.

He then drives on about 30

miles to the next station

and waits there to pick me up.

- Why aren't we needed?

- Well we need to draw

as little attention

to ourselves as

possible, don't we?

Also it might be a trap.

The insurance company

could have found out

about the Duke's scam,

to cover his tracks

he might be working

with them and the cops

to recover the painting.

We just don't know.

- Someone also needs to

stay with the Leonardo.

- Okay.

- You're a lot younger

than I expected.

I'm Brown.

- No names please.

Where's the Duke?

- You don't think he'd

agree to meet a criminal?

- It's a bit rich, isn't it?

- Look here, how dare you

make demands on His Grace,

he's a very important man.

- Cut to the chase, Lady Jane.

- My god, how do you

know my real name?

- It's my job.

Are you gonna give us a

million and a half or not?

- We certainly are

not, we agreed 10%.

Against my advice,

His Grace has agreed

to let you have 20%

but not a penny more.

- I hope you've

thought it through.

'cause a lot of papers

would pay a lot of money

to get a story about

a toffee-nosed git

fronting a stolen art scam.

There'd be one

hell of a scandal.

- You don't scare me,

I've dealt with dozens

of petty little

criminals like you.

- I'm sure you have,

but we're talking

Leonardo da Vinci here

and that's something

a bit special.

Don't you think?

[ethereal music]

- Well.

- We're wearing

them down, 600,000.

[whistling music]

[guns pop]

[man groans]

- Fuck, James.

- Oh, you stupid

fucking bastard.

- Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, James,

I am fucking sorry, mate.

- Fuck.

- Oh fuck mate, James i thought

you were a fucking deer.

- You thought I

was a fucking deer?

Do I like look like a

fucking deer you fucker?

- Mate, I'm sorry, come here.

- Oh fuck off, oh you

fucking, fucking, fucker.

- [William] Alright,

calm down mate,

you'll get the fucking

gamekeeper down here.

- What the fuck are you saying?

What you want me

to fucking pretend

I'm not fucking shot you fucker?

- James, it's not

actually that bad, mate.

- It's not that fucking bad?

I've probably got enough

fucking shot in here

to fucking lead the roof

of the fucking Canterbury

fucking cathedral.

- You're just getting

upset, alright now come on.

- Upset, I'm fucking

bleeding to death

and you just think

I'm fucking upset?

- Nothing compared

with Kosovo now is it?

- Oh fuck Kosovo, William.

- [William] Aright listen,

come here, sit down,

let me have a look.

- Oh fuck, oh fucking hell.

- Sit, sit back.

Alright, come on, you'll pass

inspection, boy, up you get.

- Fucking hell man.

- No need for language is

there, come on, up you get.

[whistling music]

Here we are.

Right, there we go.

- [groans] I want

a fucking doctor.

- Yeah, you can want all

you fucking want mate,

you ain't going anywhere

'til the others get back.

[James groans]

- You fucking ham fisted fuck.

Oh, fucking hell-

- Oi, I am sick

and fucking tired

of you fucking at

me all the time.

- I'm sorry mate, I didn't

think that'd offend you.

- Well listen to me,

we're supposed to be

buddies aren't we?

And I don't like bad

language amongst buddies.

So why can't we just

speak nice to one another

and keep the fucking

to a minimum?

- Okie dokie.

- Now we'll get you patched up,

see how you are in the morning.

[soft guitar music]

♪ She's so beautiful,

that's how I used to speak ♪

♪ Well my eyes were strong

and my heart was weak ♪

[knocking on glass]

- Good evening, sir.

- Can I help you officer?

- It's Special Constable

George, just routine.

Take it that's your vehicle?

- Yeah, well it's a

hire car but yeah.

- I can see that from

the DVLA readout.

Were you in the vicinity

of a bar called The Stag

in Ayreshire two nights ago?

- Yeah, yeah I was.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm, yeah,

I was at the bar,

and I see talking to these two

other anglers about

fish and stuff,

when these two little

fellas at the pool table

started messing around

with the anglers wives.

- Can I have your name please?

- Yeah, Charles King.

You can check if you

like with the estate

because this place is

booked out in my name.

- I've done that already.

- Who you talking to?

- Go back to sleep, mate.

Yeah as I was saying, the

anglers, the four big fellas,

they eventually started

getting really sort of rowdy

and jealous about

the two little fellas

and basically attacked them.

They gave them a proper beating.

- I thought the report

sounded a bit one sided.

In your opinion, the big

guys beat up the little guys?

- Oh yeah, they gave

'em a battering.

- Oh, I see.

Do you have a number

I can reach you on

if I have any more questions?

- Yeah, it's 07555-

- Mm-hmm.

- 553355.

- Lots of fives, eh?

- Yeah well, lucky number, eh.

- Well thank for

your time, Mr King.

- That's alright.

- Enjoy your stay.

- Thanks, well.

- Bye.

- Goodnight.

♪ Beautiful

♪ Beautiful, uh-huh.

- You go ahead.

- Thanks.

- The hell is she doing here?

[soft guitar music]

[singer vocalizing]

- I'm too sick to move on.

- They have traced you

back to the bar, James.

It's not gonna take 'em long

to figure out there

was four of us.

- Edward's right, I only

bought us a bit of time,

we really should try and get

out of here by the morning.

- Exactly, Charles, have

you got any answers?

- I'm running out of

places to hole up.

There's a quiet place up north

but we're not booked in

there for another two days.

- What's happening

with the money?

- We have got to get a

direct line to the Duke.

I don't fucking trust Brown,

she's a fucking Roedean girl.

She'd turn us in to

save her own neck,

I fucking know it man.

- I need a fucking drink.

- Anyone ever tell you that

you are a fucking alcoholic?

- What the fuck

happened here anyway?

- Why don't you ask the

fucking terminator over there?

[ethereal music]

- You found the fucker yet?

- It's around here

fucking some place.

[phone rings]

- Grab that, that'll be them.

- Hello, where

the fuck are yous?

Who?

Special Constable, there's a

fucking copper on the phone.

- Gimme the phone.

- Constable George, yeah, yeah,

that's it, Charles King, yeah.

Yeah, that is

traffic you can hear

in the background, I'm

driving, that's it.

Of course I've got both

hands on the steering wheel,

it's a hands free kit.

Is that right?

So you want us to come down?

Yeah, no, it's just I can't

really get you right now,

it's just you're breaking up,

look, can I call you back?

- The fuck was that all about?

- That was all about

that fucking fat wife

you were fucking about with.

One of the guys that

attacked us has died.

- Which one?

- Does it fucking

matter which one?

- Yes it does fucking matter.

It's the one you

attacked with a pool cue.

- Oh for fuck's sake.

If I'm fucking caught

I'm gonna go down.

Fucking hell, fucking shot

with a fucking shotgun,

wanted for fucking murder

all in the same fucking week.

- Yeah alright mate,

don't be feeling

so fucking sorry for yourself.

- What, fucking

sorry for myself?

You're the fucking sorriest

bastard in this fucking outfit.

[ethereal music]

- We need to get James help.

- Just let the

little fucker die.

If we take him to a doctor,

he'll see it's a gunshot

wound and call the cops.

- Remember those nurses?

- Forget that, man.

What the fuck, Edward?

- Shh.

Hi, is that Victoria?

Yeah, it's Edward,

no I'm doing fine.

Say that again, I'm

really sorry to hear that.

Yeah you sound upset, listen

what are you doing tomorrow?

Okay good, well how

about I give you a call

and let you know where I'll be?

Uh-huh, yeah, Charles

is still with me.

She wants to know if

she can bring Elizabeth.

- Tell the bitch to go to hell.

- He says yeah that'd be lovely.

Listen one last thing,

James has hurt his shoulder,

could you bring some dressings?

No, William had nothing

to do with it, honestly.

Uh-huh, okay, alright then, bye.

- That Elizabeth is getting

nowhere near my dick.

- All right.

[phone rings]

- Hello.

- Anne died.

- What's that?

- Anne died.

- Yeah.

- You knew she'd

ODd, didn't you?

- Oi don't be, nah that

fucking little bitch

put herself in a coma,

Victoria, so don't be fucking-

- You're a fucking bastard.

- Victoria.

- And what have

you done to James?

- And James, what are

you talking about?

- Serves him right,

he's fucking kinky.

- What?

- Mary's well

pissed off with him.

- Mary, why?

- The fucking animal

pissed on her.

- He what?

- Pissed on her.

- Oh, for fu...

Mate, your fucking reputation's

gone up now apparently.

You are now officially

a fucking animal

according to my cousin.

What is the fucking

matter with you?

[gentle rock music]

♪ Say what they say

- Oh.

- Hello, lift, ya?

- [James] What's that?

- [Woman] Ya, lift?

- [James] Have a

wee drink of that.

- Please, get in.

Let me get that for ya.

- [James] Where are you from?

- [Woman] Denmark.

- [James] Denmark?

- [Woman] Ya.

[engine revs]

♪ To expose

♪ Just a good

♪ A fair weekend

- Where are those morons?

- I don't know, they

disappeared ages ago.

Give 'em a call.

- No signal.

- Typical.

♪ We will have to see

[singer vocalizing]

[woman moans]

[soft music continues]

- [William] Oi, stop, stop it.

I said fucking stop it.

[woman moans]

[soft music continues]

[singer vocalizing]

[engine revving]

- [Edward] Those guys'll never

find this place in the dark.

- Fuck 'em, I'm tired

of thinking for 'em.

Fucking let 'em do

their own thing.

[gun firing]

- Oh, fuck, that fucking gun,

nearly blew my

fucking balls off.

- Oh for fuck's sake. [laughs]

- It's no fucking

laughing matter, Edward.

That gun's got a dodgy

fucking safety catch

and a hair trigger.

- Well don't keep it in your

fucking pocket you moron.

- My nerves are

all shot to hell,

I've got to get

out of here, man.

I'm fucking losing it.

- Charles, Charles, pick

up your fucking jacket

and get inside before

some fucker sees you.

Jesus Christ.

[door slams]

[engine revs]

We need to hide the cars.

- Why?

- It's obvious you moron.

The cops'll trace us

through the number plates.

- Yeah well they

still won't know

we've got anything to do

with the painting, will they?

- Yeah, what's

happening with that?

How many days has is

been now, what six?

- Eight.

- Eight?

And we were promised our

payment within seven,

that was yesterday, right?

- Look we really should

get him to an hospital.

- No we fucking shouldn't,

it's getting sorted.

- How?

- His cousin, Victoria.

- What's she got to

do with anything?

- She's coming here, tomorrow.

- She'll sort you out, man.

- She's only a fucking nurse.

- Oi, she's the best.

- This is all getting

out of control, man.

- Look Charles, don't be going

fucking gaga on

us mate, alright?

Just finish the job.

- Yeah, let's take the 600

thousand and finish the job.

- No, they will go to

a million, Charles,

I saw it in her eyes.

- I'm with Edward on this.

Alright, when's

the next meeting?

- Two days.

- Two days?

Another fucking two days?

My fucking arms gonna

fucking drop off.

- [William] James, get

yourself a drink, mate.

- Why don't we dump him?

- Nah, he's a buddy of mine,

in fact we're all

supposed to be.

- He's right, we're in

this together, to the end.

- Dodgy bastard.

- Well my old man

did always teach me

to carry at least one

spare set with me.

- [Edward] Classy.

[gentle guitar music]

We had to keep up appearances,

four normal guys on vacation.

We hired a boat for fishing

but we underestimated

how bad a state James was in.

- Listen I feel sick

guys, man, I canny do it.

Don't worry I'll

be fucking alright.

[Charles blows]

- Charles, mate, make sure

that thing doesn't go off.

- No fear, clip's

safely in my pocket.

- I've got one.

There she is, grab her

up, Edward, lovely.

- You like killing don't you.

It wasn't the guy James hit

with a pool cue that died,

it was the one you slaughtered

with your fists

on the pool table.

We hired you for

those qualities.

I never told Edward you were

once acquitted for murder.

- Fucking hell, Charles, I

don't need to know any more.

- Charles, I think maybe

you're losing it, mate.

After this is over maybe you can

get yourself a

doctor or something.

- Good, we're all

fucking buddies again.

[engine rumbling]

[light acoustic guitar music]

- Cousin, when did you get here?

- I'm not speaking to you.

Hi.

- Now is that any way

for one family member

to speak to another, is it?

You alright mate?

- Fuck off.

- Fucking wanker.

- Elizabeth, how are ya?

Where you going?

Come on Elizabeth, you

don't fancy that do ya?

I've told you before

darling, you need a real man.

- Shut the fuck up William.

- Yes shut the fuck up

William, you fucking wanker.

You fucking wouldn't

need to be here

if you hadn't been

fucking half blind.

Well I live then?

- Of course you will.

You'll be fine in

a couple of weeks.

- See, told you you were feeling

fucking sorry for yourself.

- Oh you really are a wanker.

So where the fuck's the fish?

- There's a dance in

the village tonight.

- You asking me out?

- You available?

- Could be.

- You gotta watch her Edward,

she's a fucking wild one.

- William shut up.

I bought myself a new

dress just for you.

[energetic rock music]

♪ Here comes the rain again

♪ Raining in my head

like a tragedy ♪

♪ Tearing me apart

- You know I'm a married man?

- I know, I'm married too.

♪ I want to breathe

in the open wind ♪

♪ I want to kiss

like lovers do ♪

♪ Want to dive into your ocean

♪ Is it raining with you

♪ Is it raining

♪ Is it raining

♪ Is it raining

♪ Is it raining

♪ Is it raining

♪ So baby, talk to me

♪ Like lovers do

♪ Like lovers do

♪ Walk with me

♪ Like lovers do,

like lovers do ♪

♪ Here comes the rain again

♪ Raining in my head

like a tragedy ♪

♪ Tearing me apart

like a new emotion ♪

♪ Tearing me apart

like a new emotion ♪

♪ I want to breathe

in the open wind ♪

♪ I want to kiss

like lovers do ♪

♪ Want to dive into your ocean

- Ya fucker, listen mate, I

reckon it's time me and you

split with the fucking painting.

You know you're fucking

stupid, don't ya?

- No, lsiten, William, I've

thought this through, right.

Me and you are for

the fucking high drop

if we get caught, right?

I reckon we slip out

the country, take

the Leonardo with us,

wait for the money to be

wired into our bank accounts?

- What and you reckon Charles

and Ed will go with that?

- No right, listen, we take

that fucking painting, right,

take that out back,

burn the fucker,

tell them it's the Leonardo.

- James, where are

you going with this?

- Tell them we got fucking

paranoid on some weed.

- What weed?

- This fucking weed.

- Well where the fuck

did that come from?

- Got it off Elizabeth, she

deals the fucking stuff.

You gonna tell me that quiet

little bitch is a dope dealer?

- Yep, blame the whole

fucking thing on her.

- James, how much of

that you already had?

- Only half a bag.

- Fucking lunatic I tell

ya, and I was going along

with your fucking stupid

plan for a minute there.

[James laughs]

[gentle jazz music]

- It was one of the calmest

nights I could remember.

The stars were out and the sea

was braking gently on the shore.

We were content and happy.

We were just two

romantic couples

strolling home to have sex.

That is Mary, mm-hmm?

And this guy is Jesus.

[both laughing]

- So this is what all

the fuss is about?

[Edward laughs]

30 fucking million.

[both laughing]

- What's that?

What kind of fucking 500 year

old painting would be wet?

- It's a fucking fake. [laughs]

- They fucking swapped

it before we nicked it.

[both laugh]

oh fuck, oh no.

[keys clacking]

- I've got an uplink.

- Okay, we are willing to

accept your offer of 600,000.

Please proceed with payment

as per prior instructions.

We will expect confirmation by,

what's the latest

we can give them?

- Five.

- Confirmation by 4:30 today.

- Will they go for it?

- Well they're two million up

and they've still got the

original tucked away somewhere.

- They don't know we know that.

- No, they thought we

were gonna burn the fake.

We are now willing to

dispose of the goods

as per original the agreement.

However, you may

be pleased to know

that we have found a

private buyer for the goods.

He is willing to go to

15, half the market value.

However, the said

buyer does wish

to view the goods

before purchasing.

He has agreed to pay

10% directly to us

and will pay the

balance directly to you

into an account of your choice.

- Is that it?

- Yeah.

[both chattering indistinctly]

- There, it's gone.

What do we do now?

- Well you wait here.

- What are you gonna do?

- I'm taking victoria

out for the day.

[soft music]

- Where's Edward?

- I dunno, they're in the car.

What are they doing in the car?

- Waiting on Edward.

[indistinct]

I know, fucking, going out.

- Ready to go?

- Aye.

- I'm gonna stay

here with Charles.

- Suit yourself, babe, you're

missing a bloody good piss up.

- See you later.

♪ Where I can't seem to think

- Gimme the keys.

- So what's happening, is

the deal still going through?

- Well we'll know by

later this afternoon.

- Hear that mate?

I won't have to work

for a fucking long time.

And after today you'll be able

to get any fucking

woman you want.

- Fucking dream on.

[engine revving]

♪ All I know

♪ Is I want you

♪ Nothing else

can get me there ♪

♪ To the point

where I don't care ♪

♪ All I know

♪ Is I want you, I

want you, I want you ♪

♪ Tell me

♪ Why it is I'm so addicted

to the way you touch me ♪

♪ Like you need to see

- [Edward] The

whisky made us forget

all the wheeling and dealing

of the previous week.

We were no more crooked than

the Jetstream business men

who had made themselves

multibillionaires

with empires of

water, malt and peat

and sold it to the world

as the elixir of life.

Whisky had ruined

entire civilizations,

from the wild west to

the jungles of Borneo.

It sold for its

weight in silver.

Oh the horror, the

frightening horror.

For us, it was

fucking brilliant.

[gentle guitar music]

♪ I've run out

♪ That's where

you're so mistaken ♪

♪ You take me to a high

♪ Of just no other kind

♪ I don't want

anything but you ♪

♪ I don't need

anything but you ♪

♪ I don't want

anything but you ♪

♪ I don't need anything

♪ Besides

♪ Things get bigger

♪ A price

♪ Is well just go figure

♪ When I think way back when

♪ I can't go back again

♪ I don't want

anything but you ♪

♪ I don't need

anything but you ♪

♪ I don't want

anything but you ♪

♪ I don't need anything

- Yes.

William, it's some

tart of yours.

- Hello.

- What the fuck did

you do that for?

- Sorry.

- Nothing to do with you, babe.

- It was that cop again.

- She's obviously taken

a fancy to you, William.

- Shut the fuck up.

- Oo, fucking awful smell

of sex in here guys, man.

Fucking stinking.

- It's in.

- What?

- They've made the transfer

to the four accounts,

150,000 each.

- Fuck, they bought

the whole fucking scam.

- They wanna meet us tomorrow

to talk about the buyer.

- We don't have a buyer.

- I could be the buyer.

- Don't they know you?

- No, I've only spoken to

Lady Jane once on the phone,

the rest has been by email.

- Where do they wanna meet?

- Central station, Glasgow,

we have to bring the painting.

- What is it with

fucking trains?

Okay, we'll do it, but only

if the Duke's at the meeting.

Tell them the buyer won't

meet with anyone else.

- We've got to go

back to work tomorrow.

- Oh forget work,

I'll pay your way.

We'll go on a trip

round the world.

- I like my work, I

care about what I do,

I'm not gonna give

it up just for you.

- No, me neither.

- [Charles] Cheers, John.

- So what's the point

in meeting them?

- Well they've got

the real painting.

They know that the buyer's

gonna recognise ours as a fake.

- Nah, still don't get it.

- Well they'll bring

the real painting

with them, won't they?

And they'll have to confess

that they've been

duping us all along.

- Why would they do that?

- 'Cause they're

greedy motherfuckers,

they get to double dip.

They get the insurance money

and they get a great price

for a work they can't

sell in the open market.

- So we steal it a second time

and when we've got

the real Leonardo,

we'll extort another, I don't

know, million out of them.

- Well what makes you

think they're gonna pay up?

- Well we'll threaten to hand

the painting over to the police

and then the insurance

company won't pay out

and they'll be down 600 grand.

- I get it, they fuck with

us, we fuck with them.

- Well that's it exactly.

- Do you guys want

to play doubles?

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- No.

- I won't be waiting for you

when you get out of jail.

- We're honest crooks, Victoria.

- So are doctors and

lawyers and accountants,

but what they do is legal.

- [Edward] So tell

me you don't love me.

- I don't love you.

- Well if you mean it, say

it with some conviction.

- [Victoria] Fuck off.

- [Edward] Victoria.

- All I want from a

guy is common sense,

someone who cares about me,

someone who wants to

come home every night

and doesn't have to

bring their friends.

Is that too much to ask.

- It's nothing at all.

[door slams]

- Fucking hell.

[soft guitar music]

♪ 'Cause beauty's

on the inside ♪

♪ Not in the way you look

♪ And you can never

judge a cover ♪

♪ Until you've read the book

♪ If a cure for

cancer was found ♪

♪ If the deaf could

suddenly hear a sound ♪

♪ If all the encaged

children were free ♪

♪ And all the blind

people could see ♪

♪ If all the cripple

world could walk ♪

♪ And all the dumb

world could talk ♪

♪ It ain't pretty,

it ain't cool ♪

♪ But that's what

I call beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful

[gate creaks]

- Come on Edward.

She's just a fucking nurse,

what do they know about life?

Mate, they wipe asses all day

and drink themselves

stupid all night,

where's the fucking

philosophy in that, huh?

They're not all angels

like Juliette Binoche

in "The English Patient".

And you are no fucking

dickless Ralph Fiennes

bandaged up like the

fucking invisible man.

Forget her.

- What like you've

moved on form Elizabeth?

- Fuck no, I'm seeing

her tomorrow night,

soon as we've finished this job.

- You are a cunt.

- [laughs] Thank you.

- Hello there, stranger.

You never called me back.

- Uh, no I thought

you were on duty.

- Oh, I'm only a

Special Constable.

I'm jacking it in anyway, I

like to have a social life.

Is that your

hunting trip friend?

- Yeah but we're

done on hunting now.

- Good, you can buy me a drink.

Naughty boy.

[upbeat electronic music]

- Who the fuck is that?

- That my friend is the

woman that I'm gonna marry.

- Go on you good thing.

[upbeat electronic music]

- Do you want to

play a little game?

- What you got in mind?

- Oh well, you'll

have to wait and see.

- Is that right?

- Oh yes, but I'm

sure you'll like it.

Oh yes, I'm very sure

you'll like it. [giggles]

- Oi, what are you doing?

- [Police Woman] Making

sure that you never escape.

- That was a fucking quicky.

- Yeah, well.

- No fucking marriage then?

- No mate, I have seen the

error of my ways, I tell ya.

- That's her.

- This is him?

- Yep.

- He looks shifty to

me, can you trust him?

- Absolutely.

- Give me the painting then.

- We came here to buy it,

not to give it back to you.

- We're not stupid, we

know you know it is a copy.

- Where the fuck's the duke?

- Don't know.

- Give it to me then I'll

show you the original.

- No, we'll only hand it

over to the duke I'm afraid.

- He's not going to expose

himself in public like this.

- Have you got the

police watching us?

- No, we want to sell the

painting in good faith.

You have to turn

over the copy first.

- Then what?

- Then meet us

here in four hours.

- You should be aware,

we're photographing you.

If you fuck up or don't show up,

we're sending

photographs to the police

and the insurance company.

They'll think it's the real

painting, you'll go down.

Off you go.

- Get the photographs developed,

we'll meet you in one hour.

[ethereal music]

- So we have to go

back to the castle

where we stole the

fucking painting from

in the first place?

- That is right.

- And take the fucking Leonardo?

- Yes.

- And have a

fucking conversation

with the fucking owner Duke?

- The Duke was a

colonel in the paras.

- Fucking paras, everybody

in the army knows

the paras are a bunch

of fucking nancies.

Who knows what the old

cunt might be planning.

- I wouldn't worry

about it too much,

he ain't been clever

up to know, has he?

- Yeah, maybe we're just

being fucking paranoid, eh?

He's gonna get out the

fucking cheese and biscuits.

- Just shut up.

Right, let's get out of here.

- [James] I still don't

see how we're gonna get

any more fucking

money out of them.

- The idea is to

steal the painting,

James you fucking moron.

- Oh, well I

thought we'd already

stole the fucking painting.

- James, do you just

never listen, mate?

- Yeah, but what I hear

doesn't make fucking sense.

- Right, let's get down to it.

Now, I'm not gonna mess about.

Call the police, will you Jane?

- I've no signal, sir.

- What?

- I've no signal.

- Well go in the other

room, use the land line.

So, you thought you could

blackmail me, did you?

Speak up.

- I think you're fucking mad.

- What, what did you say?

- He said you're mad.

- Oh and you're not?

The deal was 10% of

the insurance payout,

you've had 20% and

now you want more.

- The deal was three million,

that means you're almost two

and a half million short.

How much is that worth?

- It's the oldest

trick in the book.

I was in the parachute regiment.

[tense music]

- Police'll be here

in 15 minutes, sir.

- Excellent, is that the copy?

Good, you get it

Jane, would you?

That means we can charge you

with trying to pass a forgery

for the insurance reward,

that should give you about

our years each, I should say.

Will you check

their pockets, Jane.

- Well when the

police do get here,

I think you should reconsider

what you're gonna tell them.

- Oh do you, well I'm not going

to reconsider a damn thing.

Ah, what's that an

eight millimeter?

That means we can have you

for possession of a firearm,

that'd be another five

years each I should think.

Stand still.

- Are you gonna point

that somewhere else?

- [Duke] It's a sting.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Free some

♪ Gonna free someone

♪ You're gonna free someone

[gun firing]

[gun firing]

- [Edward] Charles.

Fucking hell.

- Let's get the

fuck out of here.

- [Edward] No, leave

that, leave it.

Let the cops find them with it.

[whistling]

[relaxed jazz music]

[engine revs]

- "The tragic

events of last night

reveal a complex set

of circumstances.

The Duke was found dead with

his secretary, Lady Jane Brown.

It is thought that they

had a lovers quarrel

and that Lady Jane

shot the Duke,

then took her own life

with the same gun.

Beside their bodies lay the

Leonardo da Vinci painting,

valued at 30 million pounds,

spectacularly stolen

only 10 days ago.

However, the one unanswered

question for the police

is the copy of the

famous painting found

hanging in the room

where the original was

displayed prior to its theft.

Staff report hearing the

sound of a car arriving

and leaving before and

after the sound of gunshots.

One of the estate workers

also saw torch light

in the woods, earlier

in the evening.

The Duke was much loved

and will be sorely missed

by all who knew him

to be one of Scotland's

most honorable men."

- Yeah right.

- Oi, have a little

charity, the fucker is dead.

- Aye, and Lady Jane.

Cut down in her

fucking prime, man.

- So why didn't you

just take the Leonardo?

- As far as the police are

concerned, the case is closed,

they're not gonna be

looking for anyone else.

- So why did we have to

put the painting back?

- It was our insurance

in case the Duke

tried to turn us

over to the police.

It wouldn't have

looked too good for him

when the tour guides found it.

The painting that we took to him

was your photograph

of Lady Jane.

- Yous two are real

smart fuckers, guys, man.

- Cheers.

- I've gotta give you it, man.

Put it there, put it there.

- Hang on, hang on, sit down.

So at the end of the day we

still only get 150 grand each?

- Mate think of the people

that earn 200 quid a week.

- Uh-huh, think about it, guys.

If you two worked 40 hours

a week at McDonald's,

it'd take you 15

years to earn that.

- Before tax, you got

that in 10 days, be happy.

- Fucking right mate, we

are fucking lucky fuckers.

- Fair enough, well done mate.

- [James] Nice one.

- Good boy.

- What now, then?

- I've got a girl to meet.

- What about your wife?

- We divorced two years ago.

- You dirty little

slag, go on then,

but you tell that Elizabeth

once you're done with her

that she can come and see me.

- Right you fucker,

let's go, come on.

You promised me a wee

pump a that copper.

- Oh you wanna get

handcuffed do ya.

- Fucking sounds good to me.

- Alright, fair

enough, come on then.

See you later, chaps.

- Uh-huh, have fun.

- [James] See yous later.

- See you boys.

What are you gonna do?

- I dunno, take a vacation.

- Yeah, me too, I've talked

Elizabeth into taking time off.

- Good.

- There she is now.

- Victoria's taken time off too.

Hey girls.

- [Edward] Hello.

- What do you say we give it

a try, mister honest crook?

- [Edward] One

week or two, baby?

[phone rings]

- Hello, yep, shit, okay.

Yup, thanks, bye.

Hey, we've been offered the use

of a villa in the south

of France, how about it?

- Beats the fucking snow.

- Let's go.

[soft music]

♪ Just to burn

♪ With every curve

♪ To expose all she knows

♪ You play like tea

♪ Just a girl

♪ Who felt weaker

♪ To expose all she knows

[phone rings]

- Hello.

Hold on.

It's Edward, he wants to know

if we want to go to

the Riviera with him,

steal a Van Gogh worth

fucking 70 million.

- What would the cut be?

Yeah, Edward.

No mate, we would

never stand a chance.

[guns click]

[whistling]

[upbeat jazz music]

[upbeat jazz music continues]

[upbeat jazz music continues]