Radio Days (1987) - full transcript

Once upon a time,
many years ago,

two burglars broke
into our neighbors' house in Rockaway.

Mr. and Mrs. Needleman
had gone to a movie.

And the following events occurred.

You think
we should answer the phone?

Are you crazy?

You wanna wake up
the whole neighborhood?

Hello?

You, Mr. Marty Needleman, have been
chosen from the telephone book to...

Guess that tune!

Jesus.



Can you tell us what is the tune
the orchestra is playing?

I can't hear it.
Find the radio and turn it on!

- What's goin' on?
- Shh. I can't hear.

What are you doin'?

I think I know it.

Jesus!

Dancing in the dark

Dancing in the Dark.

That's right!

And now for question two
on the way to the grand jackpot.

Here's the tune.

Are you all mine...
No, no.

Chi... Chinatown...

Chinatown, My Chinatown.



That's correct!

And now the chance
for the grand jackpot with all the prizes!

This one is not so easy,
so get ready.

It sounds familiar.
I don't...

I know that one.
I know it from my father.

- What?
- The Sailor's Hornpipe.

- Huh?
- The Sailor's Hornpipe.

The Sailor's Hornpipe?

That's right!

Mr. Marty Needleman,
you've won the grand jackpot!

Ah! I'm rich!

We won!

That night,
the Needlemans returned home

and were shocked to find
a ransacked apartment

with $50 and some
silverware missing.

But the following morning,
a truck arrived.

Let's all sing
like the birdies sing

Tweet, tweet-tweet
tweet-tweet

Now I love
old radio stories,

and I know
a million of 'em.

I've collected 'em
down the years, like a hobby.

Anecdotes and gossip,
and inside stories about the stars.

I recall so many personal experiences
from when I grew up

and listened to
one show after another.

This girl singing used to be a
favorite at my house, one of many.

Now it's all gone.
Except for the memories.

The scene is Rockaway.
The time is my childhood.

It's my old neighborhood, and forgive me
if I tend to romanticize the past.

I mean, it wasn't always
as stormy and rain-swept as this.

But I remember it that way
because that was it at its most beautiful.

In those days the radio
was constantly playing at our house.

My mother, for instance,
never missed her favorite show,

Breakfast With Irene and Roger.

Good morning, darling.
Pass the orange juice.

There you go.

Quite an opening night
we attended last night, wasn't it?

Yes, wasn't it divine?

Everyone was there,
from Rodgers and Hart to Cole Porter.

Two completely different worlds.

While my mother stood
over the dirty plates,

Irene and Roger ate
their elegant breakfast

from their chic Manhattan town house,

while they chatted charmingly about
people and places we only dreamt of.

You look
marvelous, darling.

Tomorrow morning
we'll tell you all about it,

and also about the new Moss Hart play,
which I hear is just divine.

This is Irene Draper...

And Roger Daly, saying,

have us for breakfast tomorrow
and every morning,

and have a wonderful day.

My own personal favorite show was
called The Masked Avenger,

who I fantasized was a cross
between Superman and Cary Grant.

Little did I know...

"...while I was on the scene?"

"It's the Masked Avenger!"

"It's off to jail for you.

"I hope you'll enjoy
making license plates."

I'd like to tell you of the
Masked Avenger secret-compartment ring,

and how it turned me to crime.

But first you have to meet me.

And my family.

There I am
in my Masked Avenger hat and goggles,

which I got off
my friend in a trade.

And then there were
my father and mother,

two people who could find
an argument in any subject.

Wait a minute!

You think the Atlantic
is a greater ocean than the Pacific?

No. Have it your way.
The Pacific is greater.

I mean,
how many people fight over oceans?

Then there was my Uncle Abe.

He kept bringing home fish from his friends
who worked at Sheepshead Bay.

Ceil, I'm home!

Ceil, I got fish.
I got great fish today.

What do we need more fish for?

And my Aunt Ceil,

who dreamed of a more exciting life than
having to fillet his flounder.

They're fresh fish!

He has friends at Oscar's Dock,

so he can't spend one day there where they
don't load him up with fish!

You don't like it,
take the gas pipe!

Next there was
Grandpa and Grandma.

Every morning he spent
a half hour packing her into her corset.

I'm pulling,
I'm pulling!

A woman in her 70's,
and her bosom is still growing!

Abe and Ceil's daughter
was Cousin Ruthie,

who entertained herself by
listening to the neighbors on the party line.

Mrs. Waldbaum's having her ovaries out!

Both, or one?

Get off the line, okay?

Stop listening in on my phone!
Stop snooping on us!

All right, all right!
Don't get your bowels in an uproar!

Nobody's snooping.

Oh, yeah? My wife hears her breathing.
And she giggles!

Hey, Waldbaum! You think we care
what goes on in your house?

Let them take her ovaries out!

What's it our business?

Mrs. Waldbaum had
a steel plate in her head.

It was said she couldn't
walk near magnets.

Finally, there was Aunt Bea,
who only wanted to get married.

This is a lindy.

My dancing teacher
gave me this great new step for it.

- Hey, Tess?
- Uh-huh?

Tess, I can't decide
if I should take my vacation

on a cruise or go to the mountains.

I mean, the men are
richer on a cruise,

but there's more of
them in the resorts.

What do you think, Tess?

Well, I met my husband
at a mountain resort,

so I advise you
to go on a cruise.

That's very funny.
Can we get back to my idea?

We buy cultured pearls.

We box 'em here in velvet, and we sell them
mail order. I can get a good price.

You were in jewelry.
It didn't work.

We got stuck with
the rhinestone earrings.

You don't have a business head.

We got stuck with
mail-order parts,

you tried seeds,
then you lost money selling greeting cards.

We have 6,000 "Get Well"
cards in the closet!

There aren't that many
sick people in America!

Forget it. I'll spend
the rest of my life at the job I do.

There's nothing wrong with it.

- What do you do, Dad?
- None of your business.

All my friends know
what their dads do.

Don't you have any homework?

Got 15 cents for
a Masked Avenger ring?

What am I, made of money?

Pay attention to your school work,
and less to the radio!

You always listen to the radio.

It's different.
Our lives are ruined already.

You still have a chance
to grow up and be somebody.

Think I want you workin'
at the job I do?

I don't know what your job is.

You gotta get an education.

While I'm getting it,
can I get the ring?

We don't have money to waste.

You think we all like living together?

We'd like to save up,
maybe have another child.

Your father works all day
like a horse supporting everybody...

At what?

He's a big butter-and-egg man.

What do you mean,
our lives are ruined?

I didn't mean "ruined" ruined.

We're poor but happy.
But definitely poor.

Isn't this a beautiful sea bass?

Who wants to join me, hmm?

By now, you've probably guessed
that the Masked Avenger ring

meant a lot to me.

Well, it did.
Because they were gold and mysterious,

and they fit any finger.

The box top I already had, but the 15 cents
was hard to come by in those days.

I tried not thinking about it,

but it was very hard
to keep off my mind.

...and the masts and the sail.

You even have to work with the tweezers
to get some of the small stuff in.

I'll pass it around.

That was lovely, Evelyn.

Arnold, why don't you
show the class what you have?

Stand right over there.

I found this
on my parents' night table.

- That will be enough! Sit down!
- What did I do?

Put that thing
in your pocket and sit down!

Ross, you have something
suitable to show the class, don't you?

Very good.
Stand right here.

This is my Masked Avenger
secret-compartment ring.

It's very special to me...

Now, basically
I was an honest kid.

But there are some things in life
that are just too compelling.

That afternoon at Hebrew school,
a scheme occurred to me.

Next week,
we are going to issue collection boxes.

And each of you
will be asked to go out in the street

and collect funds for the promotion
of a new state in Palestine.

Can you give
to the Jewish National Fund

to help us build
a homeland in Palestine?

Please? No?

How about you?
Can you give to the Jewish National Fund?

Can you help us?
Anything?

Hey, how about...

Can you? Can you?
No? Oh.

Give to the Jewish National Fund?

Hey, can you...
Excuse me, can you...

Give it to me.
Please. Thank you.

Guys, we got enough to get
the Masked Avenger rings

and an ice cream soda.

We gotta leave some for Palestine.

Why? It's all the way over in Egypt.

It's a sin.
What if the rabbi catches us?

He'll never find out.
Besides, I can handle him.

- You sure?
- Positive.

Dimes! I got four dimes!

Monies for a Jewish homeland

used to buy this Masked Avenger ring?

My heart is full of grief.
It swells with anguish!

- He'll pay back every cent.
- Yep.

Shut up.

I don't know what to do, Rabbi.

Every night he listens to the radio.
I can't keep him away.

I say, "Go to the beach,
play in the sun, get some fresh air."

No. The Lone Ranger,

The Shadow,
The Masked Avenger...

This is no good.
This boy needs discipline.

Radio... Tsk-tsk...

It's all right once in a while.

Otherwise it tends to induce bad values,
false dreams, lazy habits.

Listening to the radio, these stories
of foolishness and violence,

this is no way
for a boy to grow up.

You speak the truth,
my faithful Indian companion.

To a rabbi you say
"my faithful Indian companion"?

Hey, don't hit my son.

What kind of upbringing is this?

Look, I'll hit him,
but you don't hit him!

I said, I'll hit him!
You leave him alone!

No, I'll hit him!
You're too lenient!

Oh, I'm lenient?
What, that's lenient?

I am a faithful Indian?
Such an impertinence!

Rabbi, I will teach him some manners.

You and that radio!

- Think that's lenient?
- Enough, enough.

You'll hurt the boy.

And so that ended
my career in crime.

And I never did get
the Masked Avenger ring.

But to this day
I still get chills

when I recall
his famous sign-off.

Be sure
and tune in tomorrow

for another adventure
of The Masked Avenger,

when he flies over the city rooftops,
and we all hear his cry...

Beware, evildoers, wherever you are!

Tess, did you see my yellow bag?

I didn't touch it.

Ooh, what is that?
Turn it up.

What's the fuss?

Mr. Manulis finally asked her out.

What'd he do, go blind?

Him with the insults, right?
Hey!

Tell her she looks nice.

I'll tell her,
I'll tell her.

Mrs. Waldbaum
found a pocketbook in the subway

and she doesn't think
she's gonna give it back.

You ought
to stop listening.

- Tess, can I borrow your anchor pin?
- Sure, sure.

Oh, God, he's so handsome!

I waited so long!
I never thought he'd ask me!

- Where'd you meet?
- In the Catskills.

He rides horseback,
he dances, he's some tennis player!

Sounds a perfect victim.
What's he do?

His firm imports coffee.

What do you do, Dad?

Hey, get my cigarettes.

This could be
the answer to my prayers.

Isn't it time
you compromised?

I don't know
the meaning of that word.

So stay single.

Can you smell my perfume?

Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.
Okay...

Ceil, get it.
I don't want to appear too anxious.

I've been cleaning
fish all afternoon.

- I'll get it.
- Oh, my gosh, my glasses.

Almost forgot my glasses.

Oh, well, hello!
Come on in. Would you come in, please?

I'm Bea's sister, Tess.

How do you do?
Is Bea ready?

Oh, she'll only be a minute.

This is, uh, most of my family.

Oh, hello.

And this is my husband.

Oh, pleased, pleased!

That's, uh,
a firm handshake you got.

Well, sure. I hate when somebody shakes
your hand, they put a dead paw in it.

- Sidney.
- Ahh!

Have you been waiting long?

Oh, not at all, sugar.

Well, have a nice time.

Yeah, come on, sugar.

Into the old jalopy.
We're gonna paint the town red!

Aw, gosh, didn't Bea look lovely?

Did she fall into vat of perfume?

When we were young,
of the three sisters,

she was considered
the pretty one.

- Some contest.
- Oh, what do you know?

You're lucky I love you,
you old douche bag.

Aunt Bea and Mr. Manulis
were having a wonderful time.

He took her out to Coney Island,

where they went roller-skating.

Although she had never
roller-skated in her life,

in his capable hands,
she did her best.

He took her for oysters and beer.

As she later told the story,
she was shy about having to wear glasses,

and kept trying
to hide the fact that she needed them.

Aunt Bea was really
developing a crush on Mr. Manulis.

As they ate and joked,
it would have been impossible to guess

that their evening
together would soon end in total disaster.

Oh, did I have a wonderful time!

I'm still a little tipsy
from that beer.

Oh, really?
'Cause you only had one.

I know, but alcohol
affects me strongly.

And you, how can you even drive?
You must have had five beers!

Oh, I'm a big boy.
I could have ten!

Oh, and it's so foggy.

Yeah. I love the fog.
It's very romantic.

Uh-oh! What's that?

You won't believe this,
but we're out of gas.

Oh, gosh.

Wouldn't you know it? Right out here on
the tip of Breezy Point, too.

Looks like we're stuck here.
At least till the fog lifts.

Oh, well, what's a girl to do?

Oh, Sidney!
Sidney, this is our first date together.

Aw, Bea,
you know how I feel about ya.

We interrupt with a special news bulletin.

A state of emergency has been declared
by the president of the United States.

We go live to Wilson's Glen,
New Jersey,

where the landing of hundreds
of unidentified spacecraft

has now been officially confirmed as a
full-scale invasion by Martians.

People are dying and being trampled
in their efforts to escape.

The power lines are down everywhere.

We could be cut off at any minute.

Oh, my gosh!

There's another group of spaceships,

of alien ships,
coming out of the sky...

Despite his bravado all evening,

Mr. Manulis panicked
and bolted out of the car.

He was so frightened by the reports of
interplanetary invasion that he ran off,

leaving Aunt Bea to contend
with the slimy green monsters

he expected to drop
from the sky at any moment.

She walked home.
Six miles.

When Mr. Manulis called
for a date the next week,

she told my mother to say she couldn't see
him. She had married a Martian.

Now earlier, I promised
some inside stories about the stars.

Here's a little something
that actually happened one night

with Roger and Irene.

Everyone's here tonight, sweetheart.

Isn't that Richard?

Oh, Richard?
We saw that show at the Morosco.

You're right, it's terrific.

Thank you.

I thought I saw Ernest Hemingway
at the bar.

Well, I heard he was
in town, angel, yes.

- Cigars? Cigarettes?
- I'll have some Camels.

Oh, hello, Mr. Daly.

Where have you been?
I can never get hold of you.

I told you it was over.

Please don't say that!

Listen, you call me
all hours! I meet...

I meet you in hotel rooms,
in the back of cars, in stalled elevators...

You're gonna lose
your respect for me.

Please, don't be unreasonable.

Cigars? Cigarettes?

Cigar, please.

Thank you very much.

Sally, you can't break it off now.
I'm in love with you.

Yeah. If you loved me,
you'd leave your wife and marry me.

I can't do that.
Our ratings are too high.

Hi, Roger.
Lucky Strikes, please.

I look at you
and I'm aflame with longing.

Oh, what am I gonna do?
I'm a single girl.

I want you, Sally.
I... I crave you.

I spoke to the head
of the agency about you.

He wants to meet you.

Really?

I told him

you were the most
promising young actress I'd seen in years.

But you've never
even seen me act.

I've got great intuition.

I care so much about you.
I've just got to have you, Sally.

I'm... I'm exploding with desire.

Well, I...
We can't do it now. I'm working my shift.

There must be somewhere we can
be alone for a few minutes.

I'd be takin' a real chance.

I told my wife I was going
to have a drink with Richard Rodgers.

You know,
we always table-hop for a long time.

Let me think.

So, as the story goes,

Roger and Sally set out
to find a secluded trysting place,

while Roger's wife Irene
spent her time drinking and hobnobbing

with society's
most interesting and exotic Latin playboy.

I... I think
it's probably pretty safe up here.

And under the stars

An orchestra's playing...

Listen, I only got
a ten-minute break.

Come here, baby.

- He wants to meet me?
- Who?

The head of the agency.

- Yeah, yeah, definitely.
- Yeah.

Oh, wait...

- Can you take this off?
- Yeah, sure.

You tell him I could sing?

Sure.

Like a...
Like a nightingale.

- You told him that?
- Yeah.

- Promise?
- Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Boy, that was fast!
It probably helped I had the hiccups.

I've got to get back
to the table.

Sally, this door's locked.

- It is?
- It's locked from the inside!

Oh, no...
What are we gonna do?

The trick is not to panic.

There's no other way down!

Well, we'll have to climb down.

I can't climb down the building!
What do you think I am?

Didn't you know the doors lock
from the inside?

No! I never actually
came up here with anybody but you.

Oh, my God!
What a predicament!

And that's exactly
how it happened.

No matter how hard they tried,

Roger and Sally could not get back in.

Legend has it
an electrical storm broke out,

and that he was struck by lightning and had
to miss his show for a month.

Another version of the story I heard

said that Irene came up to the roof

with the same intention
as her husband,

and that Sally got fired.

The other three
were so sophisticated

they all spent the weekend
in the same hotel suite in Havana.

It's terrible.
They have no respect!

They should be thrown
out of the neighborhood.

It's a disgrace!

My nerves are on edge from hunger.

You think they fast?
They don't care about the High Holidays.

They eat, even though
you're supposed to fast.

Grandma can't stand
the radio next door.

Oh, it's awful!
It's just awful!

Wait, I don't understand.
I thought you're allowed to turn it on.

No. For 24 hours you're supposed
to do nothing.

Not even turn on a light switch.

Just sit and fast
and pray and atone for your sins.

Well, how come they're not?

What do they care?
They're Communists!

They don't believe in religion.

Abe, go speak to them.

Me? I'd like to burn
their house down,

but I'm not allowed
to light matches today.

At least they should
do it out of respect for their neighbors.

They're Jewish,
but they don't believe in God, just Stalin!

Well, I'm just gonna go
tell 'em a few things, that's all.

Hey! What the hell
are you doin'?

Can you turn that off?
We're praying.

Praying?
You should be working.

Working for the benefit
of your fellow man!

It is a sin to work today!

It's a sin not to work!

Oh, please!
Today is the most holy day.

Can't you please
turn off the radio?

He's been there over an hour.

Yeah. Meanwhile
the radio's still on.

Be careful. The daughter
believes in free love.

Why do you say that?

Hear what happened
to Mrs. Silverman?

She couldn't sleep.
She was up one night taking a cup of tea,

and she heard a car
pull up at three in the morning.

So, you know Mrs. Silverman.

She always likes to know
what's going on.

So she's peeking out
her front door,

and there's the girl
across the street

coming back from
a folk-singing thing with a tall colored man.

You're not gonna
believe this, Ceil.

She gives the guy
a big, long kiss!

Well, you can imagine
how Rose Silverman reacted.

She had a stroke on the spot.

Her arteries hardened.

The woman remained frozen,
the teacup on the way to her mouth.

They never saw anything
like it at the hospital.

I'm telling you, Ceil,
she was as stiff as a board.

- I'm home.
- It's about time.

Abe, they're still carryin' on!

What'd you do there
for over an hour?

I talked. Or rather I listened.

- Hey, you didn't eat?
- I did eat.

Abe, we're fasting!

They're right!
It's silly!

Oh, my God, Abe!

I should fast to atone for my sins?

What are my sins?
Who did I bother?

The only sin is the exploitation
of the worker by the bosses.

Did the daughter get hold of you?

See, the problem is not between man
and some imaginary super being,

it's between man and the owners of 90
percent of the world's wealth.

What do you mean,
"Some imaginary super being"?

You don't believe in God?

Religion is the opium of the masses.

Abe, God will punish you!

No. God is not interested in me.

He...

- What's the matter?
- Uh...

Abe?

- Chest pains.
- Abe, really?

Abe, are you all right?

- I can't breathe.
- No, stop it.

Just relax.
Just relax.

Breathe out slowly.

Abe, I told you
God would punish you.

I'll get the doctor's number.

Maybe it's indigestion.
What did you eat there?

- Uh, some pork chops.
- Pork chops?

And some clams.
And chocolate pudding.

Abe, how could you do this?

And French fries.

You won't eat
my French fries,

but you eat the commies' French fries?

I'm gonna get him
some bicarbonate.

That's too good for him.
He deserves an enema!

Oh, Ceil!

Yeah, right!

"Hello, sports fans,
and welcome to

"today's edition of
Bill Kern's Favorite Sports Legends."

Now in my family,
each person had his own favorite show.

For instance,
my Uncle Abe was a great sports fan,

and he always listened to Bill Kern.

"Today's story is about a baseball player.

"His name was Kirby Kyle,
a lean southpaw from Tennessee.

"He played for
the old St. Louis Cardinals.

"He threw fast, and
he had a good curve ball,

"and all the hitters knew it.

"He was a kid with a great future.

"But one day he went hunting.

"He loved to hunt,
just like his father and his father's father.

"Chasing a rabbit,
he stumbled and his rifle went off.

"The bullet entered his leg.

"Two days later, it was amputated.

"They said he would never pitch again.

"But the next season he was back.

"He had one leg,
but he had something more important.

"He had heart.

"The following winter,
another accident cost Kirby Kyle an arm.

"Fortunately, not his pitching arm.

"He had one leg and one arm,

"but more than that,
he had heart.

"The next winter,
going after duck, his gun misfired.

"He was blind.

"But he had instinct
as to where to throw the baseball.

"Instinct and heart.

"The following year, Kirby Kyle
was run over by a truck and killed.

"The following season,

"he won 18 games
in the big league in the sky."

This has been Bill Kern
with another favorite sports legend.

While Uncle Abe loved
the Bill Kern sports show,

his wife Ceil adored
a very prominent ventriloquist,

and this always
used to drive Abe crazy.

He's a ventriloquist on the radio!

How do you know
he's not movin' his lips?

Who cares?
Leave me alone.

Ceil and Abe's daughter
Ruthie had her own favorite program.

Naturally it was one
of those romantic boy crooners.

She and her girlfriends
used to sit and swoon endlessly

over the sentimental lyrics
and velvety voice.

The local boys, of course,
were all a little jealous,

and they used to
look on disgustedly,

thinking the girls were real jerks.

Then I'd rather have
nothing at all

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the makers of General Sparkplugs

bring you The Court of Human Emotions,

with world-famous counselor
on affairs of the human heart,

Thomas Abercrombie.

And now, my friends...

My mother and father
loved to hear the show

where ordinary people were helped
with their personal problems.

Six years ago
his mother came to live with us,

and she won't leave
and he won't throw her out!

How can I throw
my own mother out?

Grab her by the throat
and throw her out!

Oh, just like that?

Yes! She has to go out
in the street!

Why don't you just
stick a knife in here?

I'm not sticking
a knife anywhere!

- Throw my mother out!
- You take a knife!

I found the show silly.

I'd imagine my parents on it,

airing their standard complaints.

He's a business failure.
He never finishes what he starts.

We're forced to live with my
relatives and thank God for them!

And I could have
married Sam Slotkin.

Sam Slotkin's dead.

But while he was alive
he was working!

She'd be lost without her family.

And you should see 'em.
They're like the Huns!

Maybe if I'd married
a more encouraging woman, who knows?

So who do you think is right?

I think you both deserve each other.

What does that mean?

We didn't come here to be insulted.

I love him,
but what did I do to deserve him?

Naturally, my folks never were
on the Mr. Abercrombie program.

In fact, the only radio celebrity any of
us ever really met in person

was the 14-year-old mathematical genius
of a quiz show my father loved

called The Whiz Kids.

Hey, Tess.
That's one of the kids from the radio.

It's a Whiz Kid.

Hey, Joe,
it's one of the Whiz Kids from the radio.

Hey, excuse me?
Uh, pardon me?

We really enjoy
your son on the radio.

You're a real genius.

Yes. I have a 160 IQ,

and that is extraordinary,
by any standards.

And this is our son.

- Say hello.
- Hi.

Charmed to make
your acquaintance.

Although perhaps "charmed"
is really overstating it.

Your son is a whiz at math.

Quick, What's 1,754
divided into 13 million, huh?

Martin!

This palooka can't
even pass a simple arithmetic exam!

And now, if you'll excuse us.

Boy, what a kid.
So well spoken.

Why can't you be like that?
Why can't you be a genius?

I'll tell you why. Because you're too
busy listening to the radio!

Put your hat on!
Put his hat on. Honest to goodness!

There's a song in the air

But the fair senorita

Doesn't seem to care

For the song in the air

Aunt Bea listened
almost exclusively to music.

Because of her, I grew up
hearing the most wonderful songs.

She won't think
that I am just a fool

Serenading a mule

There are certain songs that,
no matter where I am,

the minute I hear them
I get instant memory flashes.

For instance, every time I hear this
song I think of Evelyn Goorwitz,

who I had a crush on,
but who didn't like me.

I remember her pretty girlfriend
treated me like I had the plague.

But eventually persistence won out

and I did break down her resistance.

I'm gonna buy a paper doll

That I can call my own...

I can never hear this song without
recalling my parents' anniversary.

It was the only time
I ever saw them kiss.

It was a very wonderful memory.

With their
flirty-flirty eyes

Will have to flirt
with dollies that are real

When I come home at night

She will be waiting

She'll be the truest doll
in all this world

Lay that pistol down, babe
lay that pistol down...

Now, when this song
was popular,

I remember a strange little event.

My friend Andrew and I
built a snowman outside the school.

He supplemented
its anatomy with a particular vegetable.

Until one night
she caught me right

And now
I'm on the run

Oh, lay that pistol down
babe, lay that pistol down

Pistol-packin' mama
lay that pistol down

Another song
we listened to was by Carmen Miranda.

I can only think of my cousin
Ruthie and how much she loved it.

Mairzy Doats.
I remember when I first heard that song.

I always associate
its popularity with a bizarre incident,

when Mr. Zipsky,
normally a very quiet man,

had a nervous breakdown
and ran amok through the shopping district.

A little bit jumbled and jivey

Sing "mares eat oats
and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy"

Oh, mairzy doats
and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey

A kiddley divey too
wouldn't you?

My most vivid memory
connected with an old radio song

I associate with
the time Aunt Bea

and her then-boyfriend Chester

took me into New York
to the movies.

It was the first time
I'd ever seen the Radio City Music Hall,

and it was like entering heaven.

I just never saw anything
so beautiful in my life.

I hope I never waken

It's more than I could bear

To find that I'm forsaken

If you're a fantasy

Then I'm content to be

In love with loving you

And pray my dream comes true

I long to kiss you

But I would not dare

I'm so afraid

That you may vanish

In the air

So, darling

If our romance should break up

I hope I never wake up

If you are but

A dream

Ah! Lightning!

Now, remember
Sally the cigarette girl?

Well, I wanna
come back to her now,

because there are some
great radio stories associated with Sally.

She was one of those characters that are
always around when things happen.

Plus, she eventually became the star
of Aunt Ceil's favorite show.

But that's later.
Right now we find her struggling,

a coat-check girl
in a nightclub run by a mobster.

It's after hours.

If I didn't care

Would I feel this way?

If this isn't love

Then why do I thrill?

And what makes my head
go round and round

While my heart stands still?

If I didn't care

Would it be the same?

Oh, my God!
You killed Mr. Davis!

I saw you shoot him!

Help! Oh, my God! Help!

Where are you taking me?

Shut up.
You're gettin' yours.

It's nothin' personal.
It's just bad luck you were a witness.

My whole life, I had bad luck.

Me too.

- Where are you from?
- Brooklyn.

Yeah? Me too.

Whereabouts?

Canarsie.

- Me too!
- Yeah?

85th Street.

I was 86th Street.

No kiddin'?
You must know Joey's Clam House.

I ate there all the time.

This is a funny coincidence.

I meet nobody from
the old neighborhood in years,

I finally do, and I gotta kill her.

You were Freddie White's daughter, huh?

I remember you when you had little pigtails

and braces on your teeth.

You were the cutest little girl
in the neighborhood.

Here you are.
You need bullets, too?

Here.

Honey, you said
you enjoyed the peppers.

Yeah. They're delicious.

Eat some more of these, because you said
you enjoyed them very, very much.

Thank you.

Where you gonna dump her body?

In Jersey, Mama.

Four in the morning,
you wanna dump her body in Jersey?

Dump her in Red Hook!

Sweetheart, look,
these shrimps are nice and fresh.

I made them today.

Listen, I ain't gonna
squeal, honest!

I can keep a secret.

I know everything
about everybody on Broadway! Really.

Places I work, I got secrets on everybody.
Think I go around talkin'?

But what do you do?

She sings, Mama.

Oh, yeah?
That's nice.

I can act, too.

I'd just do anything
to get on radio.

I'd be happy to give
the weather report, or interview people.

I think I'm a natural.
I'm a great dancer.

But you can't dance on radio.

I know.
'Cause they can't see you!

Wait. Come here, Rocco.
I got to tell you something.

You come over here with me.

Listen to me.
You don't have to worry about that girl.

She's not too fast up here.
She wouldn't make no trouble.

I feel sorry for her.
She wants to get into radio so badly.

I think some men take advantage.
She's so pretty.

Listen to me.

Then your cousin Angelo
could help her.

Yes, because he knows
everybody on radio.

He could get her
any little part,

because they owe him
this favor.

All right, now they not only
decide not to bump Sally off,

but they get a relative
to ask an unrefusable favor on her behalf.

I don't know
if people were bribed or threatened,

but she suddenly
found herself with a big acting part

on a very serious dramatic radio
show that was doing Chekhov.

Now the payoff to the story.

The country never got to hear her act.

At the last minute
fate stepped in.

"The Japanese have
bombed Pearl Harbor.

"This morning a surprise
attack was made,

"with enormous casualties
to the United States.

"We are pre-empting
this show to bring you a special report

"and a statement
from the president of the United States."

Aren't we gonna
do the show?

What do we do,
come back Monday?

Who is Pearl Harbor?

In one terrible moment,

world events came between
the public and Sally White.

And suddenly
the nation was at war.

And lives changed.

And Sally, like everyone else,

found herself doing her bit.

I don't wanna walk
without you

Baby

Walk without my arm about you

Baby

I thought the day
you left me behind

I'd take a stroll

And get you right off my mind

But now I find that

I don't wanna walk
without the sunshine

Why'd you have
to turn off all that

Sunshine?

Oh, baby, please come back

Or you'll break my heart for me

Cause I...

Don't wanna walk without you

No, sirree

Let's remember
Pearl Harbor

My friends and I, acting on advice
from the radio G-man Biff Baxter,

collected scrap iron
every day after school.

Our local soda jerk, Rita, joined the WACs
and looked good in uniform.

And Mrs. Riley had
a victory garden in her flowerpots.

On the radio, stories changed.

Now the Japanese and Germans
were the villains.

"Okay, you Axis rats!

"I know you got submarines
sneaking around our coast!"

"We have no submarines."

"Yes, you do!
U-boats and airplanes!

"But we Americans are always
on the lookout, always alert! Take that!"

"Okay, I think you've
learned your lesson.

"One American with courage
is worth 20 of you!

"Come along. Uncle Sam knows
what to do with Axis rats."

My friends and I
hung on Biff Baxter's every word.

When he said to watch
for enemy planes

and submarines
lurking off the coast,

our parents laughed.
But we took it seriously.

Remember,
if we see any German planes,

I do have a number to call, okay?

Oh, look at that.

Hey, look, there's one!

No, no,
that's one of ours.

I don't think the Germans
can get over here so easy.

They can! The Masked Avenger
says they're working on rockets!

Hey, look, a Japanese bomber!

- Let me see!
- Get off.

Hey, wow!
Look in that window!

Let me see!
Let me see!

What do you see?

Jesus, what legs!

Hey, it's my turn!

Jungle drums were madly beating

In the glare of eerie light

While the natives kept repeating

Ancient jungle rites

All at once the dusky warriors began to

Raise their arms to skies above...

Oh, God, I can hardly breathe!

And the native then stepped forward
to chant to

His voodoo goddess of love

Ah, great Babalu

I'm so lost and forsaken

Later that afternoon,

we all walked down
to the water's edge.

The talk had shifted away
from Nazis to more important matters.

Boy, she was pretty.

She was nothin' special.

She was all right.
But my favorite is Rita Hayworth.

I like Betty Grable.

I like Dana Andrews.

You kidding?
Dana Andrews is a man.

She is?

Didn't you ever see Crash Dive?

With a name like Dana?

Say, guys,
wanna look for planes?

I'm going home.

I'll come with you.
Let's go listen to the radio.

I didn't care
if the guys went home.

I was in a funny mood
that afternoon.

I just stood there,
looking out at the Atlantic.

My mind was thinking
about life, and women,

and a million different things.

And then suddenly I saw it.

It was just like
Biff Baxter described it.

It came up and went under
so mysteriously and silently

that I couldn't
believe my eyes.

I never told anyone
about it afterward

because I doubted
my own experience.

Besides, I knew that
no one would believe me.

No one except Biff Baxter.

They're either too young
or too old

They're either too gray
or too grassy-green

The pickin's are poor
and the crop is lean

What's good
is in the army

What's left
will never harm me

They're either too old
or too young

So, darling
you'll never get stung

Tomorrow I'll go hiking
with that eagle scout unless

I get a call from Grandpa
for a snappy game of chess

What are you doin'?

I'm outta nylons.
But lots of girls paint them on now.

Better hope it doesn't rain.

Oh, right.

Oh, I really think
this could be the one.

I hope so.

He's so good-looking,
he's good-natured, he has his own business.

And his fiancée died last year,

so he's obviously
marriage-minded.

How come he's not
in the army?

He has flat feet.
But that's his only drawback.

You really think
you could love a man with fallen arches?

I know, you think
I'm too demanding.

I do. You have these
qualities you demand,

and when you meet a nice man you
disqualify him for the smallest fault.

That's not true.

So what was wrong
with Nat Bernstein?

He wore white socks with a tuxedo.

That's not a good enough reason.

Then when you fall in love there's
always something wrong with him.

You know, they all seem fine.

I don't know.
You got this sixth sense for picking losers.

Sometimes I wonder,
do you really wanna get married?

More than anything.

Don't you think
I wanna have a child before it's too late?

God, how I envy you.
I just want it to be perfect.

It's never perfect. If you wait for
perfect, you don't get pregnant,

you wind up
with your teeth in a glass of water.

Easy for you to say.

I compromised
when I picked Martin.

I mean, I wanted
someone tall and handsome and rich.

Three out of three, I gave up.

I think you did right
to compromise.

Why? You don't think
I could've done better than Martin?

I know. You could've married Sam Slotkin.
So why didn't you?

Oh, Sam Slotkin
was a mortician.

He always smelled
from formaldehyde.

And don't think that Martin
didn't compromise with me.

He always dreamed of being
a business tycoon,

having a beautiful blonde wife.

I tell him the day
he becomes a tycoon I'll dye my hair.

Well, at least
you have each other.

That's all I want, someone.

So you have to lower
your standards a little.

You know,
marrying for love is a very recent idea.

In the old country,
they didn't marry for love.

A man married a woman
because he needed an extra mule.

But you're the one that listens
to all the romantic soap operas.

Well, I like to daydream.

But I have my two feet firmly planted
on my husband.

First we'll go to the movie,

then eat, then maybe
I'll ask him back here.

Although I don't wanna
seem too forward.

Hey, you really
like this guy, huh?

Oh, I like him so much.

We'll say a prayer for you.

And then, maybe this time next year,
you'll look like me.

- You know what I was thinkin', Tess?
- What?

I could learn engraving,
buy a machine.

Not another get-rich scheme!

I could make a few dollars engraving.

- Let me tell you the beauty part.
- Yeah? I'm waiting.

When you engrave
gold rings and lockets,

what you cut out when
you make the letters falls on the table.

It's gold dust.

Forget it. It'll be like
all the other ideas.

Gold dust, and the engraver owns it!

Hold my wool.

If it's a girl,
we could name it Lola.

Lola? You want her
to be a stripper?

And if it's a boy, Lionel?

No son of mine
will be named Lionel.

I want an L name,
after my Uncle Louie.

Your Uncle Louie.
How about "louse"?

The news is not good tonight.

Reports are that
Nazi tank divisions

are pushing American infantrymen back
in furious armored warfare.

Meanwhile, Japanese have taken control of
two more islands in the Philippines

and are advancing
on American...

This is John Jenkins
broadcasting from London.

The bombs are falling
even as we speak.

The morale of the boys
is good here at Guadalcanal,

despite heavy losses.

What do you think, Martin?
You think Hitler's gonna win?

I wonder about the wisdom
of bringing new life into the world.

Come on, lights out.
Blackout.

Oh, God,
another air-raid drill!

Between the Nazis
and the Communists, give me those reds!

Stick to your fish.

What do they want, those Nazis?

To slaughter everyone on the planet?

The Nazis, the Communists. The world
would be better off without any of 'em.

You know what WC Fields said?

To settle a war, the leaders
involved should meet in a stadium

and fight it out
with socks filled with horse manure.

Hey, put that light out.

Wake him up
to see the searchlights.

No, no.
Let him sleep. He's got school.

It's so beautiful.

What a world.

It could be so wonderful
if it wasn't for certain people.

Later that night,
I was awakened.

By the sound of our radio
in the kitchen.

I had a very nice time.

Yes, it was wonderful.

It was such a clear night out.

You could see all the stars.

I think I should be going.

Oh, don't go.
It's not late.

I have to drive back
to the Bronx.

Fred, you must know
I have a little crush on you.

Please, Bea.

What is it?
What's wrong?

Nothing.
It's just that I...

I...

What's wrong?

Is it still your fiancée?

It's been such a long
period of grief.

It's not fair to you.

I know. I know.

It's just that
every time I hear that song on the radio,

my memory goes back to Leonard.
That was our song.

Leonard?

My beloved.

You never said your fiancé's name
was Leonard.

How could I?

I see.

Well, just calm yourself.
Would you like a drink?

No.

Just relax.

It's a nice song.

You guys, shut up!
The principal's coming! Sit down!

Good morning, class.

I'd like you to know that your regular
teacher Mrs. Nash is ill today

and you will have
a substitute teacher.

Now, now.
Children, children, please, be quiet.

No noise.

I want you to be
very good today.

I want you to be on
your very best behavior.

Miss Gordon,
would you please come in?

They're all yours.

Okay, class,
we're going to begin today...

Well, first let me tell you
what my name is.

I'm Miss Gordon.

Oh, God, we're all
goin' straight to hell.

I conclude the Miss Gordon
episode with just one observation.

For some miraculous reason,
it's a wonderful feeling having a teacher

you've seen dance naked
in front of a mirror.

But that's how it happened.

I want to take a minute
to tell you how Sally wound up.

Because it's one
of the radio legends of the time.

Get regular with Re-Lax

Start every day
the Re-Lax way

Your system
will feel so great

You'll want
to relax on the top of the Empire State

Get regular with Re-Lax

Start every day
the Re-Lax way

When your tummy's
not so hot

Remember X marks the spot

Get regular with Re-Lax

The Re-Lax way

No, no, more feeling!
It has no inner life.

We need the name of the product

to be enunciated a little more clearly.

I'll deal with the performers.

Cut the phrase
"X marks the spot".

People will be reminded of Ex-Lax.

- You're being too touchy.
- Why take the chance?

Let's run it again, Sally.

Three, four...

Get regular with Re-Lax

Start every day
the Re-Lax way

- Your system will feel so great...
- No, no!

Like this...

Re-Lax, Re-Lax...

Well, what...
What should I be thinking inside?

Think laxative.

Think soothing relief.

Please, I'll give her
her motivation.

Laxative, darling.
You crave one.

- Try again.
- Three, four...

Get regular with Re-Lax

Start every day
the Re-Lax way

Your system
will feel so great

You'll want
to relax on the top of the Empire State...

It's not the commercial.
It's the girl. She has no flair for it.

She's the best
to audition.

What do you think,
Mr. Monroe?

I think she's correct
to represent my laxative.

She's fresh,
her voice is natural, and she does it simply.

Definitely.

What do you think, Doris?

I don't like her.

Get rid of her.

Sally hung around Broadway and tried
to break into broadcasting.

But the only roles she ever seemed
to get were in the bedroom.

Then one day,
as she'd later tell her biographer,

the voice of God told her to take diction
lessons, and her whole life changed.

Hark. I hear the cannons roar.

Is it the king approaching?

Hark, I hear the cannons roar.

Is it the king approaching?

Hark, I hear the cannons roar.

Is it the king approaching?

Hark, I hear the cannons roar.

Is it the king approaching?

No, no, no.
The cannons roar. The cannons roar.

The cannons roar.

Hark, I hear the cannons roar.

Is it the king approaching?

Sally practiced
faithfully every day for many months.

Her natural speech
was a great obstacle to get over.

Yet through diligence
and perseverance,

plus a special, intimate knowledge
of many Broadway personalities,

it was only a question of time

before she emerged
a full-blown star.

Ah...

"And now, the makers of
Lady Lydia Facial Cream

"bring you
Sally White and Her Gay White Way."

"Good evening, and cheers
to you all out there.

"My first exclusive. Clark Gable was in
town this week, in uniform.

"And where did he go?
To El Morocco, naturally.

"That brunette on his arm was Lolly
Hayes, an up-and-coming starlet.

"Hope you had fun, Clark.

"And didn't Rita Hayworth look stunning
last night at the Copacabana?"

Oh, Abe, how come you never take me to
the Copacabana or El Morocco?

Take the gas pipe.

You'd be happier with Rita Hayworth?

You gotta ask?

Those show-business celebrities
get divorced every six weeks.

But we're together forever.

I may take the gas pipe.

Just once I'd like to eat
at the Stork Club.

They don't take Jews in the Stork Club.
No Jews, no colored.

Abe, this is the
United States of America.

Yeah? Try taking
Minnie's maid Cleopatra to the Stork Club,

you'd get curb service.

Don't hit it, Abe.
You'll break it.

I know what I'm doing!

Naturally, he did break it.

He sent it out to be repaired,

and a week later
I was sent to pick it up.

My parents told me that,
since it was so heavy,

I could take it home by taxi.

But I had a brilliant plan.

I figured if I carried it,
I could keep the cab fare.

The first half mile
was barely manageable.

Pretty soon I realized
I'd have to give in

and that I was not
gonna save any money.

Thanks.

You?

I'm helpin' out a friend,
you know.

Come on, get in.

That's how I found
out what my father did for a living.

For some strange reason,
he was ashamed of it.

Even then, he didn't admit it.

It didn't bother me
one bit though.

I loved him.

In fact, I gave him
the biggest tip he got all day.

Jimson's Coffee is having
a slogan contest.

You write it in to their radio show
and win a refrigerator.

- Fraud!
- What's a good slogan?

Wait, I got one. How about
"A coffee with oomph"?

That's terrible.

Oh, yeah?
What's your idea, big shot?

"Good to the last drop"?

That's Maxwell House.
Come on.

I knew I'd heard it.

"It won't keep you awake,
it will keep you happy."

That's not bad.

It's catchy, right?

- Hoo! Hoo!
- What? What? This is it!

Hey, Ceil! All right,
easy, easy, easy.

Now put your arm around me.
Put your arm around me.

Nice and easy.
Ceil, this is it. This is it.

I'm so excited!
A baby! I can't wait!

I want a girl.

You should get a girl. Abe, isn't this
wonderful? You want another baby?

Slow. Slow. Slow.

You got the bag?

The suitcase
is in the closet.

There you go, honey.
You did a good job.

You did a good
job too, Martin.

I did a great job.

Tess, you haven't met Sy yet.

Pleased to meet you, Sy.

My pleasure.
Congratulations.

Oh, and this is my
brother-in-law Abe. And Ceil.

We better be going.
We're taking your son into Manhattan.

Oh, great.
That'll be fun.

Sy has a new car,
and we'll do some driving.

Don't lose him, huh?

We'll take good care of him.

I'll be good, don't worry.

Have a good time.
That's nice, Bea. Thanks a lot.

Don't give 'em any trouble,
all right?

- Bye, now.
- Bye.

He's nice.
Nice-lookin'.

He's not bad.
I like him.

Why is she wasting
her time with him? He's married.

Really?

He's supposed to be
getting out of it,

but you know how tight
some women hold on.

Tell me about it!

Well, I hope she knows
what she's doin'.

Martin, are you sure
you wanna call the baby Ellen?

Sure, why not?
In memory of your cousin Eddie.

In memory?
He's not dead yet.

He should be.

Aunt Bea and
her boyfriend gave me

one of the best days
I ever had.

They took me
to my first radio show.

And if that wasn't thrill enough,

Aunt Bea was chosen
as a contestant.

You're from Rockaway, huh?

Yes.

And what do you do, Bea?

I'm a bookkeeper.

Oh. For a minute,
I thought you said beekeeper.

I'd hate to get stung.

Now, you chose
as your topic "fish".

How'd you get
to know about fish?

Well, my brother-in-law brings home fish
from Sheepshead Bay all the time,

and after a while
you get to identify them.

Ah, that's great. I get it.

Well, can you tell me
what this is?

Aunt Bea had no trouble.

Years of living with Uncle Abe had turned
us all into ichthyologists.

And finally,
how about this one?

That's a flounder.

No, no, no.
That's a fluke.

You're sure?

That's a fluke.

Well, this is no fluke!

You've won
50 silver dollars!

Boy, a chemistry set!
I can't believe it!

I've always wanted
one of these!

I can't wait to get
home and open this! This is fantastic!

Bea?

It was a lovely afternoon.
A lovely afternoon.

Gosh, I almost forgot what a fluke looked
like. Good thing I remembered.

This time next week we won't have
anything hanging over our heads.

I'll be free of all my obligations.

Are you sure, Sy?

I've only stayed
because of the children.

I'm telling you, Bea.
Mark my words.

This time next week
I'll be a free man.

And the most expensive
one in the store, too! I can't believe this!

So what are we
gonna do with the rest of the money?

What Aunt Bea did
with the rest of the money

was treat us all
to a Broadway dance palace.

She and Sy seemed
very much in love, and she seemed happy.

But it was not to be.

Because after a week,
Sy did not leave his wife and children.

Nor did he after two weeks, nor ever.

And as the year came to a close,

Aunt Bea would soon be back
to her old dreams of finding a true love.

Still, on this night
no one had any thoughts

except what a wonderful time
we were all having.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Did you do this?
I'll kill you!

When I catch you,
I'll kill you!

Come here!
Don't you run away from me!

What happened?

- Look what he did to my good coat!
- What?

Bea bought him
a chemistry set.

He made purple dye
and dyed it purple!

That's the coat
I gave you for our anniversary?

- You don't hit him! I'll hit him!
- I can hit him!

You're too easy with him.
I'll hit him!

Abe? Have you seen
Mama's teeth?

She left 'em in a glass of water
and she can't find them.

The kids were playin'
hockey with 'em.

Playing hockey with Mama's teeth?

They're about the same size as a puck.

Oh, listen!
Listen, that's the conga!

My teacher said you could
meet very interesting men in a conga line.

Come on, Ruthie!
Come on, Ceil!

I can do this!

One, two, three, conga!
One, two, three, conga!

Come here!

You're making it worse on yourself!
Come here!

You can meet men
doing this?

That's what she said.

You're gonna
pay for it this time!

We interrupt
this program with a special bulletin.

Emergency workers outside
Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania,

are working to remove
an 8-year-old girl

who has fallen down a well.

Polly Phelps fell down
the well while playing with friends,

and has been
lodged at the bottom since twelve noon.

Reports will be coming
to you live on the spot

where this tense drama
is unfolding.

We don't know
if the girl is still living,

although authorities
are predicting

they will rescue the child
within moments.

It's been seven hours,
and still workers have not been able

to contact or free
8-year-old Polly Phelps.

Can you hear me? Polly?

Can you hear anything?

Meanwhile, members
of the press are here in abundance.

This field is illuminated
by the eerie incandescence

of searchlights and flashbulbs.

The anxious parents,
Mr. and Mrs. Phelps, stand by waiting,

hoping for some word, some sign.

We'll continue to broadcast live
from the scene of the accident

and bring you details
as they unfold.

I'm sure all Americans
listening to their radios everywhere

are praying for Polly Phelps
and the Phelps family.

Please, God,
don't let her die!

Oh, God...

The fire
department and local emergency squads

have been on the job
for many hours.

The difficulty seems
to be that the well is quite narrow,

and the surrounding...

No, wait. Wait...

It looks like he has something.
He's tugging the rope.

They're raising the rope
very, very slowly.

They seem to be
close to a rescue.

Police have her. Stand by.

We're coming to you live.

Don? Don, is... Don?

Oh, God, this is terrible,
ladies and gentlemen.

The child is not alive.

Polly Phelps is dead.

After all the efforts and prayers,
the little girl is dead.

This is tragic. Just tragic.

We are going
to end our broadcast, ladies and gentlemen.

I know that all America
shares the grief of the Phelps family.

This has been a sudden,
unexpected human tragedy.

Good evening, and happy New Year.

We're broadcasting live
from the King Cole Room,

where everyone is here
to welcome in 1944.

I used to work in this place.

Now I'm here with,
of all people, the Masked Avenger!

Beware, evildoers,
wherever you are!

Now where are they?
Do you see them?

They're there.
Hello, everybody!

Listen to that. Doesn't it
sound wonderful at that nightclub?

Yeah. Why aren't
we there, Abe?

'Cause we're here.

Don't you wanna hit the hot spots and
drink champagne from my slipper?

I can't take that much liquid.

Besides, only creeps and crazy people
go out on New Year's Eve.

Then you should definitely go out.

There are those who drink
champagne at clubs,

and us, who listen
to them drink champagne.

I heard Breakfast With Irene
and Roger this morning.

They said they were going
to the King Cole Room tonight.

And they said all their
friends would be there.

Roger and Irene are rich and famous.
They have a radio show.

They wear fancy clothes,
they hobnob with their celebrity friends,

they go to all the nightclubs.

What, you think
they're happier than us?

How long do I have
to answer that?

You'd be so nice to come home to

You'd be so nice by the fire

While the breeze on high

Sings a lullaby

You'd be all that I

Could desire

Under stars

Chilled by the winter

Under an August moon

Burning above

You'd be so nice

You'd be paradise

To come home to

And love

What, no date tonight?

Well, it's okay.
We're all together.

Under stars

Chilled by the winter

Under an August moon

Burning above

You'd be so nice

You'd be paradise

To come home to

And love

Thank you. Thank you.

To a wonderful year.

Lucky Strike, please.

Thank you.
Keep the change.

You know, it's not even
midnight and I'm drunk.

Anyone ever seen
the roof of this place?

It has the most
marvelous view of the city.

How do you know the roof?

I went up once
when I worked here.

The circumstances
were quite different.

Why don't we go
up there and see it?

Would you like to?
Come with me.

Come on. What fun!

Oh, it's freezing up here.

It's just amazing.
Amazing, but it's freezing up here!

What a crazy idea!

What were you doing
up here anyway?

Oh, it's a long story.

Oh, look at the sky.
It's gotten so overcast.

And all the lights.
What a city this is!

Another year is passing.

I hope 1944 turns out well.

They pass so quickly.
Where do they all go?

So quickly.
And then we get old.

And we never knew
what any of it was about.

That's right.

I wonder if future generations
will ever even hear about us.

It's not likely.

After enough time,
everything passes.

I don't care how big we are,

or how important in their lives.

Six, five, four,

three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

Martin, I'm a little scared
for the future.

What are you scared about?
Don't worry so much, okay?

- Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year, Bea.

- Happy New Year, everybody.
- Happy New Year.

What is he doin' up?

I woke him
so he wouldn't forget 1944.

Happy New Year!

God, I wish this war was over!

There are no single men around!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year.

This year you'll find
your true love.

I have a feeling in my bones.

Yes, you will.

Oh, you know what
we should start the New Year with?

A little red snapper!

Hey, happy New Year, everybody.

Happy New Year, Martin.

Happy New Year, Tess.

Hey, Pop, happy New Year.

Hey, it's startin' to snow.
Let's go downstairs.

Beware, evildoers,
wherever you are!

I never forgot
that New Year's Eve,

when Aunt Bea awakened me
to watch 1944 come in.

And I've never forgotten
any of those people,

or any of the voices
we used to hear on the radio.

Although the truth is,
with the passing of each New Year's Eve,

those voices do seem
to grow dimmer and dimmer.

Have you ever danced
in the tropics?

In that hazy, lazy, like
kind of crazy, like

South American way

Have you ever kissed
in the moonlight?

In the grand and glorious
gay, notorious South American way

In South American way