Racquet (1979) - full transcript
Centred around a former tennis champ who swings with the girls and volleying straight sets with the rich and famous while set on owning his own tennis court.
("Tennis Is the Name of
the Game" by Guy Finley)
♪ All you need to play the
game is a real good racquet ♪
♪ Find a friend and take a ball ♪
♪ Throw it up and whack it ♪
♪ And if you play it right ♪
♪ You'll get a lot more
than the practice ♪
♪ But there's nothin' like a slam ♪
♪ To make you feel like a man ♪
♪ Oh, tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ If you can listen ahead ♪
♪ It's widely said ♪
♪ It's hard to come to shore ♪
♪ For tennis ♪
♪ Is the name of the game ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ For just a couple of balls ♪
♪ A well-strung racquet ♪
♪ You can start to climb ♪
♪ Any social bracket ♪
♪ On the course ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the sport ♪
♪ Girls paint their
nails, set their hair ♪
♪ And they all buy expensive clothes ♪
♪ And the men, while their waitin' ♪
♪ Emulatin' all the moves
of the tennis pros ♪
♪ It's the only game they play ♪
♪ Where the friendliest shots ♪
♪ Turn to blows ♪
♪ There's nothin' like a slam ♪
♪ To make you feel like a man ♪
♪ Oh, tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ If you can listen ahead ♪
♪ It's widely said ♪
♪ It's hard to come to shore ♪
♪ For tennis ♪
♪ Is the name of the game ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ For just a couple of balls ♪
♪ A well-strung racquet ♪
♪ Any time of day ♪
♪ It's great to whack it ♪
♪ Doesn't matter if ♪
♪ You're fat or you're short ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of your sport ♪
♪ Whack it ♪
♪ Woo ♪
♪ Oh, tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ If you can listen ahead ♪
♪ It's widely said ♪
♪ It's hard to come to shore ♪
♪ Oh, tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the game ♪
- [Announcer] That's it,
ladies and gentlemen!
He's done it!
Ilie Nastase has beaten Bjorn Borg,
the world's number one tennis player,
in straight sets!
- [Commentator] Oh, what an
incredible display of tennis.
You know his game today
reminds me of that former
tennis great, Tommy Everett.
- [Announcer] Yeah, what
ever happened to him?
- [Commentator] Well, I
think he's teaching tennis
somewhere out in Beverly Hills.
- [Announcer] I guess that's what happens
when you get too old to play.
You could wind up teaching, huh?
- [Commentator] Yeah, I guess.
- No, no, no, you're not lousy.
As a matter of fact,
you're looking much better.
- Oh, shit!
(giggles)
- Shit!
- Oh, shit!
- Shit!
- Shit!
- Shit!
- Shit!
- Alright, Mrs. Kaufman, now
keep your eye on the ball.
- Mrs. Kaufman, you
are looking incredible!
I mean I couldn't believe my eyes
what I saw on the court just now.
- Oh, it's all Tommy's doing.
He really keeps me on my toes.
- Don't give me all the
credit, Mrs. Kaufman.
- But it's true!
- Listen, why don't you dry off.
Wouldn't want you to catch a chill.
- Bye bye!
- Bye bye.
- Nice to see you, Mrs. Kaufman.
You're really looking wonderful.
Wonderful!
Jesus, what a fat ass.
What a business.
- You said it.
- Tommy, I want you to meet somebody.
Joe Travis!
Come in here.
I want you to meet Tommy.
Joe Travis,
Tommy Everett.
- Heard a lot about you.
- Heard a lot about you too, Joe.
You're number one at UCLA, aren't ya?
- Yeah.
Well, I graduated last week.
- Made any plans?
- I've had a lot of offers.
Thought I'd take the
summer to think 'em over.
- Good.
Nice to see you, Joe.
See you, Charlie.
- Just a minute, Tommy.
I've never seen Joe play.
How about hittin' a few shots?
Play a five-point tie-breaker.
- You mean now, Charlie?
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- Unless you're too tired.
- No, Joe.
It's alright.
Never too tired for a
friendly little game.
- Ready, Everett?
(crowd applauds)
(crowd applauds)
(crowd groans)
You're good, man.
- It's okay, thanks.
- I tell ya, it's a thrill
to see two pros play.
Makes the old heart pound.
- No kiddin'.
- Why don't you grab
yourself a shower, Joe.
Take a look around the club.
I'll see you in a few minutes.
- Okay, Charlie.
Thanks for the game, man.
- Any time, man.
- So what do you think,
the kid's good, huh?
- Good? Charlie, that...
That kid is great.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
And that's why I gave him a job.
He started today.
Tommy, it's strictly business.
You know you're always number one with me.
You've made a great contribution
to the club over the years.
Don't forget,
this kid Joe Travis, he's only 22.
- Charlie.
What am I, an old man?
- Are you kidding, you're
in the prime of your life!
Christ, what I wouldn't
give to be your age again.
- So how come I suddenly
feel like I'm over the hill?
- Tommy, listen.
You know how the members
are around the club.
The women
and the special clientele we've got here.
Hey, even you can use him.
He'll be a big asset to the club.
I know you'll understand that.
- You're all heart, Charlie.
I'll see you tomorrow.
If I live that long.
- Aw!
- [Tommy Voiceover]
Maybe I am gettin' old.
I'm just in a rut, I need a change.
Maybe if I can get my own place.
Tommy Everett's Tennis Club.
Why not?
Miss Baxter.
My name is Tommy Everett
and I'm calling about the
house in Beverly Hills.
You know, the big one
with the tennis court?
Well, I'm...
I'm very interested.
Any time tomorrow morning would be fine.
Ten o'clock.
Thank you very much.
I'll be there.
- Mr. Everett?
- You must be Miss Baxter,
I'm terribly sorry.
- No, no, don't explain.
I know what a hassle it
is to have car trouble.
- Car trouble?
- Well you
certainly don't drive
around in that, do you?
It's a loaner car, isn't it?
- Oh, yes!
Oh, of course.
It's a loaner car.
Who would drive around in a car like that?
(chuckles)
- Those clothes you're wearing.
This T-shirt and these blue
jeans here in Beverly Hills!
- Um...
Loaner clothes.
- Loaner clothes?
- Oh, yeah, sure, I wear mostly Gucci.
See, I gave that away to charity.
I had to borrow this from neighbors just--
- They're very particular
about who moves into this area,
Mr. Everett.
We just can't sell to anybody.
- Oh, I'm sure everybody will love us.
- Us?
Do you
live with a woman?
- No, it's just...
Me and my dog.
- Dog? What kind of dog?
- Oh, he's just a warm,
affectionate, lovable little mutt.
- A mutt?
Your dog is a mutt?
- It's a, a...
Loaner dog.
It's not my dog.
My dog is an Afghan.
Oh, he's beautiful.
He's away at school now
learning to lead the blind.
- Oh.
I love a dog who can do something.
- Right, I know what you mean.
- Now, ten applicants,
none of them my clients,
have been turned down for this house
because they weren't suitable.
Do you like to garden?
- Oh, I love it, I just love it.
- You must never garden.
You must hire a Japanese
person to do that.
- Oh, right, of course, never.
I never work on my own
garden, I hate that.
But somebody else's
garden, now that I love.
I really love to work on
somebody else's garden.
My own garden, well, no.
I really don't care for that.
I would never work on my own garden.
- Now this is what we
call a star view home.
- Star view home.
- In a moment,
I will throw open these gorgeous drapes
and reveal a sight to you
that will freak you out.
Especially if you dig movie people.
Do you mind?
Now.
If you look very carefully
between those two houses,
you can see Alfred Hitchcock's
servant's quarters.
Now the window facing yours
is presently occupied
my Mr. Hitchcock's chauffeur's son
by a previous marriage.
His name is Gregory.
Now you've heard of Steve McQueen?
Of course, who hasn't?
You see that house down there?
They say
that Steve McQueen visited that house.
Now whether he spent the night or not,
we do not know.
- It's marvelous.
- And finally for the big finale.
You see that barn down there?
We call that John Wayne's place.
- That's fantastic.
You mean John Wayne lives there?
- No, but his horse did.
- When was that?
- 1936.
- Ah.
Could we see the tennis court now?
- Oh, mais oui!
Follow me.
You're going to adore
this court, Mr. Everett.
It's got some very unique features.
- Oh, I love it, I love it!
How much is it?
- Twenty thousand.
- Twenty thousand, that's fantastic!
I'll take it.
- Unfortunately, it comes with the house.
That's 480,000 more.
- Oh, but...
All I really need is the court, you know.
- Sorry, can't break up a set.
Besides, you're going to need a house.
You can't play tennis forever!
- Oh, yes I can.
(Miss Baxter laughs)
- You jocks!
Here we go!
- [Tommy] How much for the down payment?
- You could move in
temporarily for nothing.
Permanently, it'll cost
you 200 thou, cash.
- 200,000 cash?
Jesus, where am I gonna come
up with that kind of bread?
- Why don't you make an offer?
- Are you...
Are you horny or something, Miss Baxter?
- Why don't you make me an
offer, Mr. Everett, and find out!
(muffled yelp)
- Jesus!
Okay! Okay.
Um...
Wanna fuck, Miss Baxter?
- Mr. Everett, I thought you'd never ask!
- [Tommy] Christ almighty!
Wait a minute!
Wait!
In that room,
we can--
(echoing grunting)
- [Tommy] Oh my god!
Jesus!
Holy Christ!
(Tommy grunts loudly)
- Hey, Tommy!
Where have you been?
Come on over here, I wanna
see you for a minute.
- I was running some errands, Charlie.
- Hey, you're a little late.
- Yeah.
- I signed a new customer
up for you this afternoon.
A Mrs. Gordon down in Malibu.
- Charlie,
you know I gotta be at the
Sargent's house at 3:00.
And then I'll get stuck in all
that traffic out on Sunset.
Why don't you send Joe to Malibu?
- This lady asked for Tommy Everett.
- She did, huh?
- So if you don't want to be
late for both appointments,
you better get going.
- Yes, sir.
Yes, sir!
Still one Tommy Everett, eh, Charlie?
Over-the-hill, my ass.
(funky music)
(gasps)
- What are you doing?
Naked in my pool house bed?
- Sorry.
I'm really sorry but I...
I want you.
- How dare you talk to me like that?
- Who are you?
- I-I'm gonna call the police.
- Oh no, please!
Please don't call the police!
I-I'll do anything!
I'll do anything for ya.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Leslie, Leslie...
- What's the matter?
- Could we skip the preliminaries
and make this kind of
a short fantasy today?
I got a new client out in Malibu at 4:30.
I don't want to be late.
- Well, hell yes!
Why didn't ya say so?
I wouldn't want you to miss a new client.
- Thanks a lot, baby.
- You don't think I'm
crazy, do you, Tommy?
- Certainly not!
Different.
Different!
That's all, baby.
- [Leslie] Are you ready!
- Come and get it.
(short grunts)
(yells)
- Now!
Now that you have ripped the tennis shorts
from my soft white thighs,
what do you intend
doing about it?
- I'm sorry.
Leslie, I'm sorry.
I can't remember what we're doing today.
- What's the matter?
You got somethin' on your mind?
- No, no, just you, sweetheart, just you.
Just tell me one more time
what we're doing and who I am.
- Bionic Man, for Christ's sake.
- Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
I'm ready now, I'm ready.
- Well you know how much this means to me.
- I know, I'm sorry.
- The only real pleasure I have all week.
Husband of mine's always
away on some business trip.
- I know, I know, but
I gotta get to Malibu.
You know, new client?
- Now he's dropped some
house guest off on me.
Name is Melissa.
- Too bad.
That sounds terrible.
- Playing nursemaid to a
17-year-old child isn't easy.
- I can imagine, I can imagine,
but I do have to get to Malibu by 4:30.
- The morals of this
younger generation are truly appalling.
- Oh, I know, I know.
It's awful, just awful.
- It's just sex and drugs...
- I know.
- And sex, that's all they think about.
- I know.
Malibu, 4:30.
New client I got.
In Malibu.
- Okay, okay, okay!
You got it, ready?
- Here we go.
(playfully yells)
(laughs)
- Now that you have
ripped the tennis shorts
from my soft white thighs,
what do you intend doing about it?
- I'm gonna make love to you
like you've never been made love to before
in your whole life!
- But darling, we can't.
Not after your terrible
accident testing jet aircraft.
Oh God, you're so strong.
- Yes, but now I'm even stronger.
Ten times stronger, and do you know why?
- Why, why?
- Because now...
Now...
Now I am...
Bionic!
- Oh, you are.
- That's right.
- You are bionic.
- Yes.
Everything is bionic.
- Everything?
- Mm-hmm.
- Everything is bionic.
- The whole thing is bionic.
- Everything, tell me, tell me.
- I've got a bionic...
- Tell me what's bionic.
- A big, bionic...
- Tell me.
- A great big bionic...
- Say it, say it.
- A bionic p--
- Tell me, tell me.
- A bionic p--
- Bionic what?
I've got a big bionic p...
- Sound like--
- I've got a bionic...
- Bionic what?
- Peeper!
- Oh, my god!
- Yes! Yes!
- God, I wanna do things to you.
I want to show you how
much you mean to me.
- Shh, shh!
Wait a minute.
We shouldn't be doing this
here in the Air Force hospital.
- You're right.
The General.
He'll come by and see us.
- I am solid state, you know.
- Yes.
(giggles)
Solid state.
(laughs uproariously)
You are bionic!
Oh, God.
Oh, I would do anything for you, anything.
- Really?
- Anything.
- You would, anything?
- Yeah, oh, yeah.
- Listen.
Leslie...
I want my own school, you know.
But to do that, I...
I gotta have my own tennis court.
- Oh, yeah, think of that, bionic tennis.
Yeah, great, great, honey.
- Honey,
I think I found the perfect place.
- Perfect, yeah, God...
- At the right location.
- The best, the best.
- But I gotta move fast.
- Faster, faster!
- It's expensive, you know.
I don't wanna get in
too deep!
- Deeper, deeper, jeez.
- But I need some money.
For a down payment, you know, a loan.
A little loan!
I need a loan!
I'm so close to it I...
I don't want to lose it now!
- Don't lose it, no, God!
- I don't wanna lose it.
- Put your bionic arm around me.
- You've got it!
Then I can have it?
- Oh, honey, you can have it, take it!
- I can?
- Take it, take it!
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
- Oh, God, so great!
- Oh, it's wonderful!
- And do you know...
Do you know what is so great about it?
- Do you know what is so great--
- What? Tell me!
- Because you--
- Yeah?
- You are the Bionic Man!
- I'm the Bionic Man, that's me!
- And I am the Bionic Woman!
- You're the Bionic Woman, that's you!
Tell me about it.
(moaning)
- A what?
- Bionic...
- Yes?
- Climax!
(whooping)
- [Tommy Voiceover] I love it!
My own tennis court!
Woo-hoo, I love it!
I love you!
I love everything!
What the hell, kiss me, baby!
(clang)
(fluttery clarinet music)
(breathy grunts)
- I think I liked you better as Hitler.
You do think I'm crazy, don't you, Tommy?
- Gotta think a lady who's gonna
loan me $200,000 is crazy.
- How much?
- $200,000 cash.
It's a down payment.
- For a fuckin' tennis court?
What do you play on, gold dust?
- I'm gonna make you a
full partner, Leslie.
We're gonna split the profits.
Hey, look.
I got all the figures right here, see?
(whistles)
- Wow.
That is just a tad more
than my monthly allowance.
I'll see that Old Moneybags gets it.
- Do you think he'll go for it?
- I'll tell him it's a tennis court
built atop an oil well.
He'll just hear oil well.
- Then you know what?
I'll be whoever you want me to be
whenever you want it.
- Oh, yeah, honey, look at the time.
If you're going to
Malibu, you better split.
- Oh my god.
Uh...
What about your husband?
- I'll take care of Arthur.
You just be sure I think you're worth
two hundred thousand.
- Oh, uh...
I forgot.
Who are we on Saturday?
- You're Evel Knievel.
- Oh, yeah.
You?
- The Grand Canyon.
- You can say that again.
Hi, there.
You must be Melissa.
I understand you're gonna be
a house guest for the summer.
Uh, I'm Tommy Everett.
I was just giving Mrs. Sargent
her weekly tennis lesson.
- In the pool house?
- No, uh, I was...
I was taking care of a little business.
- I'll bet you were.
Do you always take care of business
with your fly unzipped?
- Oh.
No.
Hardly ever.
(chuckles)
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Wise kid.
(energetic disco music)
Mrs. Gordon?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello!
(waves crashing, seagulls)
It's been a real blast, Mrs. Gordon.
We should try this again sometime.
Ah!
(string and wind music)
Monica?
Monica?
Is that you?
- Hi, Tommy, how are you?
- I'm surprised.
What are you doing here?
- Oh, you know me and the beach.
Don't you remember?
- Yes, I do remember.
It's a shame the way
you've let yourself go.
What is it, five years,
Monica, since I've seen you?
- Must be.
- Listen, I was
supposed to be here to give
this lady a tennis lesson,
but it looks like she stood me up.
Maybe you know her.
Mrs. Gordon?
- Oh, yes, Mrs. Gordon!
She's a very nice lady.
- Really?
- Would like me to introduce you?
- Sure, that's what I came down here for.
- Tommy Everett, Monica Gordon.
Monica Gordon, Tommy Everett.
How do you do!
- How do you do?
- Hi.
- You got married.
- People do, Tommy.
- I just...
I never pictured you married.
- Yeah, I seem to remember you
having that same difficulty
about five years ago.
- Yeah.
- Don't rack your brain about it, Tommy.
I'm not married anymore.
Sam and I are divorced.
- Oh.
- It's a beautiful view, isn't it?
- It certainly is.
Beautiful.
(chuckles)
- You're still the same
old Tommy, aren't you?
- You bet.
I haven't changed a bit.
- Well I'm afraid I have.
Look, I want you to understand
that it's really wonderful
to see you again.
But I called you here for tennis lessons.
- Tennis?
- You are the best teacher on
the West Coast, aren't you?
- I am.
That's the rumor I've been
spreading around town.
- Well, let's get on
with it, what do you say?
- Busy for dinner?
- Oh, Tom.
- Come on.
I promise you I will not attack you.
At least until
after our second lesson.
- You are incredible!
- Yes, you see?
It's comin' back, isn't it?
- It's comin' back.
- I'm gonna take you to
a very special place.
You're gonna have a dinner that
you ain't ever gonna forget.
- I can believe that.
(foghorn blares)
(engine revs)
Hey, what is this?
- Never mind.
- I don't believe it.
- Come on, come on.
Don't you remember this?
This is our place!
- You're crazy!
But I'm not used to this.
I'm used to caviar.
- I know, well, nevertheless.
- Alright, what'll ya's have?
- The usual, Al, and
don't skip on the kraut.
- What do you know?
It's the tennis kid and his girl,
Timmy and Mona!
- Uh, Tommy.
- And Monica.
- Sure, I never forget a face.
Two kraut dogs comin' up, huh?
(laughs)
So tell me, Terry boy,
you still playin' tennis, huh?
- Yeah, I guess you'd have to say that's
still my racket.
(laughs heartily)
- I feel like I'm watching the Gong Show.
- You know, somehow I knew
you two would stick together.
How many kids you got?
- We're...
We're really not married, Al.
- Oh?
- But if there's ever a wedding ceremony,
you can cater it.
- Hey, it's a deal, huh?
- [Tommy] How much do I owe ya?
- No, no, no, no.
It's on me.
For old time's sake?
- Thank you very much.
Thanks, Al.
Come on, Mona.
- Bye.
Wise guy.
- Hey, Tony!
- I think that's me.
- Hey, I hope everything was alright.
Know what I mean?
I mean I don't get the
good dogs like I used to.
- No, it was super, Al.
- Believe me, it's a real problem to me.
I mean I get a lot of
meat, know what I mean?
But very little of it quality.
- I...
I know what you mean, Al.
I have the same problem myself.
(chuckles)
- They're just as bad as they always were.
(car starts, engine revs)
- Yes, Mrs. Landsberg, that's right.
You have a 2:30 appointment--
- Vera, darling!
What's my next appointment?
- It's with Mrs. Sargent at 3:30.
- Mrs. Sargent.
Thank you, honey.
- Silvia, doll, you look
absolutely fabulous!
And so do I.
Phyllis, how's the man?
Tony, Tony, no, no!
You must blow it out and make it fuller.
Oh my god!
Will you look?
Garbo!
Lamarr!
And now Mrs. Kaufman.
- Scotty, really, you flatter me.
I know you must think I'm crazy
getting my nails done for a tennis lesson.
But Tommy, my teacher,
is a stickler for detail.
And he notices everything.
- Darling, how are you?
- Hello, Mrs. Kaufman.
- [Mrs. Kaufman] Hello, dear.
- Oh, good lord, not Ronnie Rue Red.
That's for amateurs.
- What color do you want?
- Like, Orgy Orange.
- Even something more daring than that!
- Okay, Grab-Ass Green.
- Ooh, that sounds nice.
I'll try it!
- It's you.
Believe me, it's you.
Oh my god, sweetie!
You're looking as fresh as Summer's Eve.
Who are you today, Lady Godiva?
- I look like shit and you know it.
We were Hansel and Gretel.
It's the last time I
try to screw in an oven.
(chuckles)
Scotty,
you don't think I'm crazy, do you?
- We've all been there, honey.
How's your big love affair going?
- He sure knows how to treat a woman.
- Why can't I meet a man like that?
- There just aren't any, Gracie.
- Ain't that the truth.
And your husband still
don't suspect anything?
- He thinks Tommy's
giving me tennis lessons.
- Tommy, so that's his name.
- Tommy Everett!
He's some kinda Olympic
champion or somethin'.
(crash)
What the hell is that?
- Mice, honey, mice.
- What, were they wearing army shoes?
- Leslie, darling,
the love affair sounds
like sheer perfection.
- Mm, yeah.
It's beginning to get a little sticky.
Tommy wants me to lend him
money for a new school.
He's beginning to hound me.
I don't know how much longer
I can string him along!
- You always get what you pay for.
Ooh, did I say that?
- Bitch.
- [Stroke Master] What a nice return.
Mon cheri.
C'est magnifique!
What style and grace.
You are poetry in motion.
Look at that form and that backhand.
And, ooh-la-la, all the rest of you.
You're like one supreme, beautiful,
bubbling orgasmic ballet.
You're too much for me.
You're tiring me out.
If you care to play another game,
simply deposit one dollar
in your very own tennis butler,
Pierre the Stroke Master.
- Mrs. Kaufman, where are you?
- [Stroke Master] We also
accept Visa, Master Charge,
and American Express.
- Where are you?
Are you here?
- Oh, hello, Tommy!
Let's get right to the lesson, huh?
- Sure, sure, what a beautiful home.
You should take all
your lessons in private.
- Do you think so?
(giggles)
I'm so glad you like it, Tommy.
- It's beautiful, beautiful!
Listen, let's get right to it, shall we?
- Of course!
By the way, you're looking tired.
You know what they say,
all work and no play!
- Well, Mrs. Kaufman, I'll tell you what.
I am trying to raise money
for my own tennis school.
I don't wanna have to work so hard.
- Gosh, I wish I'd known.
I'm always looking for
sound business investments.
And even some that aren't so sound!
(laughs)
- Let me help you.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
(grunts)
- I'm a widow, all alone in the world,
with oodles of money.
- Listen,
speaking of all alone,
I thought I heard some
voices when I came over.
- Voices?
Nonsense!
We're alone!
- That's it, eye on the ball.
Look out.
(whistling)
It's all right.
- [Stroke Master] To think
that you would play with me.
How lucky I am.
You sexy delight.
(slide whistle, birds chirping)
You sexy delight.
(cymbal crash)
- [Monica] Tommy Everett,
what a wonderful day for a picnic.
- I don't care, I got my bottle.
(both chuckle)
Listen, I bet you're fancy ex-husband
never took you for a picnic in the rain.
Besides, it stopped anyway.
- Yeah.
Well, you're right, Sam
was never creative enough
to bring me for a picnic
in the rain in Venice.
- There you are.
Oh, damn it.
- What's the matter?
- I forgot the suntan lotion.
- You're cute.
- Well, listen.
I could smear it on the chicken.
It could stand to be a little browner.
Isn't that...
That's awful.
- Yuck!
What about Bambi, that
girl that you live with?
Did you ever bring her to
Venice for a picnic in the rain?
- Did you ever bring her for a picnic...
- I was just curious.
- It's not that way between us, she...
Bambi is a...
A convenience.
I mean, I'm just a stopping-off place.
She's looking for a rich producer
who's gonna whisk her off to stardom.
No, there's only
two important things in my life right now.
One is
getting my own place, my own court.
I want to be my own boss.
Instead of having Charlie
run my ass ragged.
And the other
important thing
is you.
- You make me feel like a kid again.
- Good.
- But I'm not a kid anymore, Tommy.
And I won't allow myself to be hurt again.
- Now wait a minute.
You were the one who walked out on me.
- Oh, no.
I just physically vacated the
premises first, that's all.
- What does that mean?
- What that means is
you have spent your whole life
trying to make everybody happy.
Trying to please everyone.
And you were never pleased.
You can't please everyone, Tommy.
You only end up hurting the
people that you love the most.
You know what your problem is?
- No, what is my problem?
- Your problem is
you simply cannot say no.
- That's not true, I can say no.
- You can't.
You can't.
- Okay.
Okay, enough of this
analyzing Tommy Everett, I'll say no.
I will say no from now on.
I'll be a different person
and no matter what anybody asks me,
I'll say no.
- Oh, sure.
- No, really, I mean it, I'm gonna change.
Now can we have our picnic?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Can I have some chicken?
- No.
- Yes, may I please have some chicken?
- No.
It's the new Tommy Everett.
- May I please have some chicken?
- The answer is no!
- Yes, yes!
- No, no!
♪ From the first time that I saw you ♪
♪ And without knowing how ♪
♪ I have always seen us this way ♪
♪ Just though we're lying here ♪
♪ Right now ♪
♪ But it wasn't very clear ♪
♪ Until you were this near ♪
♪ And I really saw your eyes ♪
♪ That I finally recognized ♪
♪ You were destined to be mine ♪
♪ The same great love in another time ♪
♪ Yes, you and I ♪
♪ We came alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
on a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
♪ In so many places with so many faces ♪
♪ Romeo ♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ Are the greatest loves
the world can't forget ♪
♪ Again, you and I ♪
♪ Will never die ♪
♪ We're kept alive in
the hearts of lovers ♪
♪ Waiting patiently ♪
♪ With eyes that long to see ♪
♪ That someone we have
waited for through history ♪
♪ And now again it's time for you and me ♪
♪ I can still remember clearly ♪
♪ As though it weren't over yet ♪
♪ Just how selfless we were staring ♪
♪ Even though ♪
♪ We had never met ♪
♪ But then the moment broke ♪
♪ Still neither of us spoke ♪
♪ We knew our time had come ♪
♪ And nothing could be done ♪
♪ Once you placed your hand in mine ♪
♪ The same great love in another time ♪
♪ Yes, you and I ♪
♪ We've been alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
on a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
♪ In so many places with so many faces ♪
♪ Romeo ♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ Are the greatest loves
the world can't forget ♪
♪ Again, you and I ♪
♪ Will never die ♪
♪ We're kept alive in
the hearts of lovers ♪
♪ Waiting patiently ♪
♪ With eyes that long to see ♪
♪ That someone they have
waited for through history ♪
♪ And now again, it's time again ♪
♪ For you and I ♪
♪ We've been alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
on a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
♪ In so many places with so many faces ♪
♪ Romeo ♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ Are the greatest loves
the world can't forget ♪
♪ Again, you and I ♪
♪ Will never die ♪
♪ We're kept alive in
the hearts of lovers ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have been alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
on a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
- [Leslie] Honestly, Arthur.
Two business trips in one week?
What are you really up to?
- Really up to your ass!
These business trips pay
for the bills, Leslie!
- Bills, bills, bills.
Is that all you ever think about?
(Arthur chuckles)
- Your hobby is spending money.
If you had an occupation,
that would be spending money!
And if there was a fake category,
that would also be spending money.
- Like for instance?
- Like for instance?
Like buying a $24,000 Mercedes-Benz!
And then having naked
Marvel Comics superheroes
painted all over the outside of it!
- That's a very mod thing to do.
- Your ass it is.
Buy a Volkswagen, maybe,
and I won't give a damn
what you put on it!
Yeah, how about that
eight-foot dirty statue
you bought that's down in the hallway?
- That happens to be art.
It is Aristotle
contemplating Socrates.
- It's two old Greeks
holding each other by the balls!
That's what it is.
And it cost $16,000!
That's $4,000 a ball!
- Creep.
- And then there's this.
$350 for lousy tennis lessons!
- I take those lessons to keep in shape.
Tell me,
do you see any fat on this old bod?
- You do look pretty good.
Now that you mention
it, you look damn good.
- It's all Tommy's doing.
He's worth every cent you pay him.
- Hey, you think he
could do anything for me?
- I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
(car horn honks)
- Oh, damn it, there's my cab.
Honey, I gotta go.
- Oh, I'll be needing some spending money.
A few hundred, say seven or eight.
- Honey, I'll be back day after tomorrow.
Oh, listen, dear.
When I come home,
can we make love,
you know, the way I like?
- You got it.
I'll smear myself with Limburger cheese
and put on the feathers.
- Oh, you're the best.
Will you make turkey sounds just for me?
- Oh, you know I will.
- Will you gobble-gobble when we climax?
- Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble...
- Oh, Jesus, don't!
Not now, honey, I gotta get outta here.
Please, honey, get me a doctor!
Honey, stop, I'll pole
vault to the airport.
Don't! Oh, please!
- Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble...
(exhales deeply)
(disco music plays)
- [Tommy] Bambi?
Your roommate's home.
- Arnold's got an opening
tonight for dinner and dancing.
It's free, wanna go?
- No, I don't think so.
I'm kinda bushed.
I think I'm gonna stay home
and work on the figures
for the tennis court.
- Tommy, I thought you
said that we was all set!
- It is all set.
But you know how it is with big business.
I mean you gotta
stay on top of it.
- Yeah, I guess.
Here you go, baby.
- Oh, thanks, hon.
- So you gonna--
(doorbell rings)
Oh, that must be Arnold!
Early as usual.
Get it will you, baby?
- Yeah, yeah, I'll get it.
Arnold Moss?
- Yeah.
- Come on in.
Want a drink?
- I don't drink.
Wait...
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
- I'm Bambi's roommate.
- Bambi's room...
She told me she was living with a...
A girl.
- Oh.
Well, um...
I always try to look my best.
Actually, I have this in several colors.
My favorite is
puce.
- Uh, do you mind if I use the phone?
- No, go ahead.
- Thanks.
(phone dialing)
Arnold Moss, 49.
- Jesus, you mean there's 48 more?
- I'll hold.
Listen,
what is it exactly that you do?
- Didn't Bambi tell you?
I'm a pro.
- I get it.
You mean a hooker.
Right?
I'll call you back.
- Well!
I see you two have met.
- Well, you might say that.
We've just been discussing what he
does for a living.
- Tommy's a champ.
He teaches, too.
Gonna open his own school
soon, aren't you, Tommy?
- Wonderful.
Let's go Bambi.
I think we're gonna be very late tonight.
- Arnold!
I don't know what you're
being so hostile about.
- I'm not being hostile!
- You could learn a lot
from a pro like Tommy.
- I think what you do
is really disgusting.
- Bye, Arnold!
(phone ringing)
(phone ringing)
He's not here.
- Hi, Tommy, it's me!
- Oh...
Hi, Leslie.
- I just got rid of the turkey freak.
I'm all alone.
Come on over.
- I got a headache and I put
the car in the shop, I can't.
- I'll have some aspirin and a
cab to get you in 15 minutes.
- [Tommy] Wait a minute, Leslie,
have you talked to your husband
about the money for the court yet?
- [Leslie] 14 minutes.
Bye...
- So, the latest sex
maniac they're lookin' for
is this guy who goes around in his shorts
and T-shirt.
Beats his victims over the
head with a tennis racquet.
(chuckles)
(chime glissando)
(Egyptian music)
- Oh, hi, honey.
How much is it?
- Three dollars.
- Keep the change.
See you upstairs.
(Egyptian music)
- Hey, take care, I'll see ya.
- Wait, wait, just a minute.
Who the hell is she?
- Oh...
Cleopatra.
- That's what I thought.
(car starts)
- Cleopatra...
- Oh, Christ, even the snake is limp.
What do you say we take a break, huh?
- Right.
Take another break, that'd be wonderful.
- Where the hell are my cigarettes?
- I dunno.
- I don't suppose that you'd wanna
get in the car and go get me a pack, huh?
- Alright, what...
What breaks yonder through the
birdbath
because Juliet is the sun.
- Oh, go to sleep.
Boy, when you're not
screwing, you sure are a bore.
Look.
Take a little nap.
Get all rested up.
I'll be right back.
I've got a little surprise for you.
Shit.
(uptempo Egyptian music)
- [Arthur] Fogged in, fogged in.
Fogged in, my ass!
All the way out to the airport
for nothin'!
Nothin' at all!
- So this current sex maniac
that they're all looking for,
he goes around in nothin' but his shorts
and a tennis racquet.
He beats his victim to death
with the racquet, you see.
Hey, are you at a convention?
- No, why?
- Just wonderin'.
(chuckles)
Give my regards to Cleopatra.
(car starts)
- Give my best to Marc Antony!
Christ, they'll let anybody
drive a fuckin' cab today.
Gobble-gobble-gobble.
(clucking sounds)
Daddy's home!
Gobble-gobble-gobble!
Goddamn sleeping pills.
Whew!
All the way out to the
airport for nothin'.
You know what they gave me?
Fogged in.
Fogged in, my ass!
That how they were fogged in.
I should have known it hours ago!
Ah!
Then the guy says to me,
"Do I know you from Houston?"
Some schmuck, I never saw him in my life.
It was bad enough to cancel the flight.
You know, when you're disappointed,
somehow or other it goes to your groin.
And that's the way I feel right now.
You better look alive honey because
it's runnin' through my veins.
I dunno, it's like a honeymoon,
you know what I mean?
I'm gettin' hornier by the minute.
Look alive, honey!
I don't feel this way too often,
so take advantage of it.
Better wake up!
I gotta be up at five
o'clock in the morning.
Gotta make that damn 7:05.
Better set this alarm
before we start playing Turkey in the Hay.
(jaunty fiddle music)
(clucking sounds)
Gettin' hornier by the minute.
(distant clucking sounds)
Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble!
Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble!
Here I come!
Feathers and all, ready or not!
(clucking sounds)
Gobble-gobble-gobble!
Leslie, where are you?
Please, let's make
believe it's Thanksgiving,
and I'm your own personal turkey!
(Tommy yells)
- Wonder Woman!
Arthur!
You turkey!
- Leslie!
This is better than I dreamed!
My god!
Wonder Woman!
- [Leslie] Arthur!
- [Arthur] Leslie!
- [Leslie] Oh, shit!
(Arthur yelps)
(fiddle music)
- Hey! Hey!
Hello!
Hey, thanks a lot, thanks
a lot for stopping.
Listen, could you guys give me a li--
What are you...
Hey!
(tires screech)
- Okay, boy.
Find us the money.
- Wait a minute you guys,
I don't have any money.
I don't have any money.
All I got is a shirt
and a pair of pants on.
Really!
(men laugh)
That's all I got.
- Don't jive me, man.
We know all you boys in
Beverly Hills have money.
- No, I'm not from Beverly...
I don't live here.
I was just visiting--
- Shit!
- Wait a minute, what are
you doing with my pants?
- Look here, man.
We're gonna get your
wallet one way or another.
- No, wait a minute, wait.
Wait, listen.
You guys, you don't have to rip me off.
I'm a soul brother.
Yeah, see my curly hair?
I speak your language.
Alright!
Far out!
Outta sight!
Motherfucker!
- Mother fucker?
- [Men] Shit!
(Tommy grunts)
- Son of a bitch.
Wonderful.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Oh, boy.
Am I glad to see you guys.
- Could you step around here, please?
- I'd...
I'd rather not.
- We got us one.
- Marathon runner, I better
get back to the race.
Thanks!
- [Cop] Marathon runner?
In his shorts?
In Beverly Hills?
The sex pervert!
- [Partner] That's him, go!
(siren blares)
(constant car horn honking)
(cheering and honking)
- Shh!
- Stick it up your ass!
What the hell's he want?
I'm doin' 25 miles an hour.
(car horn honking)
I'll show you how to get
outta this goddamn traffic,
I'll betcha!
Hang on!
(tires screech)
(woman screams)
(Tommy screams)
(car horns honking)
- Oh, get her!
- What's goin' on?
Where the hell am I?
- You're over the rainbow, Dorothy,
and the Emerald City is this way.
- Be nice!
- I wonder,
could you do me a favor?
- Oh, whatever you say, sweet meat!
- I would like to borrow your coat
and a dime for the phone, alright?
- What?
- Oh, strike three, sweetie.
- I gotta have a phone.
- Take your hands off me!
Don't touch me!
- Leave her alone!
- What are you going to do with my coat?!
(yelling back and forth)
- Melissa!
It's not what you think, honest!
(yelling back and forth)
- Give me my coat!
- Leave me alone, will ya?
I just wanna borrow it!
- It looked better on her.
- Jesus, help me, will ya, please!
- Give the lady back her coat.
Okay?
- You got it, you got it.
- What's it worth to you
to get you outta here?
- Anything, anything!
- Well, good.
But let's go home and get
you a change of clothes.
I don't want people to
think I go out with trash.
- Yeah, right.
- Look at this!
Look what this is!
- Oh, you're breakin' my heart!
(yelling)
Go, Melissa, go.
(yelling)
- Come on, let's go inside.
- Oh, Louise.
- Oh, Celeste.
Oh, Celeste.
Screw you!
Oh, baby.
Oh, darling.
It's gonna be alright, honey.
The pills will hit you
just at the right time.
I know they will.
(muffled disco music)
(music intensifies)
♪ Dance ♪
♪ Well ♪
♪ Everybody dance ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Dance ♪
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ Everybody dance ♪
♪ Shake your booty ♪
♪ Now all you pretty people ♪
♪ Get out on the floor ♪
♪ Party down to the disco sound ♪
♪ Shake your body, let it go ♪
♪ Party down to the disco sound ♪
♪ Shake your body, let it go ♪
♪ Feel the beat ♪
♪ That body heat ♪
♪ Make you feel ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ Now listen to me ♪
- Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
It's your friend.
- I thought you were home
working on your figures.
- Melissa, this is Bambi.
- Didn't Walt Disney
write a movie about you?
- Cool it.
- Hi, Arnold Moss.
Melissa?
- Come on.
- I'm Bambi's agent.
- Let's get outta here, Arnold.
- You know what you need?
A good spanking.
- Is that all you ever think about?
Sex?
The straps and leather are in the car.
- Yeah, yeah.
For your information,
that girls happens to be my roommate.
- I think I just took care of that.
(disco music intensifies)
♪ Feel the heat ♪
♪ Well, my body get down ♪
♪ They can feel it, baby ♪
♪ Shake your booty ♪
♪ Shake your groove thing, baby ♪
♪ We're doing our thing, baby ♪
♪ Just you and me ♪
♪ Well well well ♪
♪ Feel the heat ♪
♪ Feel the beat ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Shake your booty ♪
- Wonderful.
- [Cop] Hey, do you see what I see?
- [Partner] That's not him.
- [Cop] That's him,
he's dressed different!
- No, that's not him.
That is him.
Hey, I like that shirt.
- [Cop] I like the jacket.
- [Partner] Let's get him.
- Alright.
Oh, hello again!
- [Man] I hope this won't
seem out of line but...
Oh, you are really one great fuck!
- Whom are you speaking to?
Him or me?
- I didn't say anything.
(car starts)
(tires screech)
It's not me!
I didn't do anything!
(siren blares)
(tires screech)
- Baby!
You're so good!
- Come on!
- [Man] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- That was fine parking, Mrs. Simmons.
Now we'll try a right-hand turn.
- That doesn't come in the test, does it?
(siren blares)
- Since six o'clock,
we wait for our daughter Rosa wedding!
Where is she?
It's gonna be a wonderful wedding.
You good boy, she good girl for you!
It's a beautiful table!
Look at the cake!
(sirens)
(man panting)
- Oh!
(Tommy yells)
- [Man] I always get excited at weddings.
Don't you?
- [Father] Call the police!
- [Man] What the hell happened?
- Oh, no!
Look at all that fighting!
(yelling)
Oh my god, it's my mama!
My papa!
And my husband!
- Your husband?!
- Rosa!
In the car!
- Rosa! Rosa!
- [Father] Rosa, what
are you do in the car?!
(yelling back and forth)
- [Man] She's a terrific girl!
(yelling back and forth)
- [Rosa] Papa, no!
- Arrivederci!
- Well I wasn't sure we were still going.
- A celebrity tournament in Big Sur?
What made you think we wouldn't go?
- Well, I've been trying to reach you for
two days.
I've called the club,
I've called your house.
Where were you?
- Don't ask.
The last 24 hours, 48
hours, you wouldn't believe.
- Well I hope it has something to do
with that school of yours.
- Well, as a matter of fact,
I spoke to my backer
a couple of hours ago.
Money should be coming
through any day now.
Probably by the time we get home.
- Tommy, that's wonderful.
- Yeah, but right now, I
don't want to talk about
schedules or clients or business.
The next two days, I just
wanna think about us.
- And Bjorn Borg.
Ilie Nastase.
Roscoe Tanner.
- You forgot Chris Evert.
- Well I notice you didn't.
- Alright.
- Oh, and also,
not to mention Maria Navratilova-lava...
- I told you not to mention her.
(easy listening music)
- Well, it's been a fabulous
two days of competition here
at the Big Sur Charity Tennis Tournament.
We're down to the finals as
ex-tennis great Tommy Everett
faces the current world
champion Bjorn Borg.
It's a real test of the
old against the new.
(crowd applause)
Tommy, you've really done a
superb job here at Big Sur.
That old Everett style is still there.
- Thank you very much.
- But now comes the moment of truth.
You're about to face the
incomparable Bjorn Borg.
What are your feelings about it?
- Well,
Charlie, I've been
playing well, I feel good,
but I'm on the court with
the best in the world,
a Wimbledon champ.
Number-one seeded.
But I'm gonna give it my best shot.
I'm gonna try and beat him.
- Thanks, Tommy, good luck to you.
- Thanks.
- What about you, Bjorn?
What are your feelings?
- I'm really looking forward to it.
- Do you foresee any problems?
- I know that Tommy Everett
is a great player and
I will try to do my best to beat him.
- Good luck to the both of you.
- [Tommy] Thank you, Charlie.
- There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
The ex-champ and the current champ
getting ready to battle
it out on the court.
In a just a few moments,
the finals of the Big Sur
Tournament will begin.
It's the ex-Wimbledon
champion Tommy Everett
against the three-time Wimbledon winner,
and the current top-seeded
tennis player in the world.
The world champion, Bjorn Borg.
(exciting disco music)
(applause)
(slow, easy-listening music)
(music intensifies)
(applause)
- It's becoming more and more obvious
that age is losing out to youth.
But Everett has held up remarkably well.
(applause)
(applause)
(applause)
- It's match point.
Can Everett hold on?
And Bjorn Borg has won it!
(crowd cheers)
- Great match, Tommy.
- Congratulations.
(applause)
- [Announcer] Tommy Everett
has really played great tennis,
but he was just unable to keep up
with the fantastic stamina of Bjorn Borg.
- [P.A.] Paging Tommy Everett, telephone.
- Hello.
Melissa, I wish you'd
stop calling me here.
- Because of dear old Auntie Leslie?
- Did you make my hair appointment?
- No, Mrs. Sargent.
Miss Melissa's still on
the phone down at the pool.
- I don't think it's a good idea for us
to see each other again.
- [Melissa] Why not?
- [Tommy] Well, I don't
think she'd approve, do you?
- Approve.
(laughs)
If she knew that I balled her lover,
she would go right into menopause.
- You do have a way with words.
(click)
What was that?
Melissa?
- I think that was Auntie Leslie.
Going into menopause.
- Melissa.
I wanna talk to you.
Melissa!
Melissa!
(screams)
Damn it, Melissa, I can't swim!
- Nonsense, Leslie.
Why you can swim almost as
good as you play tennis.
- How could you do this to me?
How could you?
I always thought that you and I...
I always thought that we...
- You got it all wrong, baby.
- Oh, you really blew it, baby.
Arthur had the check all made out
for your precious little tennis school.
And I was gonna give it to you tonight.
Well you'll never see it now!
Never!
- Leslie, please.
Please let me explain
it, won't you let me--
- Don't touch me!
Don't you ever touch me or Melissa again
or I will see that you are destroyed!
- Leslie, won't you
let me explain, please?
Please let me explain it, Leslie.
- Move out of the way, tubbo!
- Am I late, Tommy?
- No, no, no.
No, Mrs. Kaufman, you're fine.
Right on time.
- Good, I can't stand people
who keep other people waiting.
How's your business deal going?
Has the money come through yet?
- No, Mrs. Kaufman.
I'd kinda like to
talk to you about that.
- If you wanted money for a tennis school,
why didn't you come to me?
- Because I love you.
And because you're too important
to me to come for money.
- That is the most screwed up
set of reasons I ever heard.
- What's screwed up about it?
I wanna do this on my own.
I want to make it for myself, Monica.
I don't wanna be some faded jock
that they put out to pasture someday.
- That woman is gonna take
you to Las Vegas and use you
just the way every other woman
in your life has used you.
- Listen.
Maybe so.
I gotta go, I gotta take a chance.
What have I got to lose?
- Me.
Tommy!
Tommy.
If you could say no just once,
I'd say yes to you for
the rest of my life.
(jazzy disco music)
- I just love Las Vegas!
The casinos.
And the smell of money.
(sighs)
- Yes, it's very nice, Mrs. Kaufman,
but it's almost nine o'clock.
Don't you think your business manager
should be here by now?
- Oh, he'll be here any minute.
Come on, let's have a drink
while we're waiting for him, huh?
- Care to have your picture taken?
- Oh, we'd love a picture.
- One more to make sure.
- Shouldn't your business
manager be in this picture?
- Please, forget about business.
We're having fun.
- If I wanted fun, I'd go to Disneyland.
- C'est la vie!
(Mrs. Kaufman laughs)
If my husband Hermie were still alive,
he'd kill me for losing so much money!
Pour the champagne!
- Yeah, I tell ya,
fifty thousand dollars!
Seems like a lot of money
for a few hours of fun, Mrs. Kaufman.
- [Mrs. Kaufman] Yeah, but
you only go around once,
I always say.
I love Las Vegas!
This is the life, Tommy.
- Yeah, this is the life.
This is great.
Really great!
Mrs. Kaufman,
it's
after midnight.
Don't you think that
business manager of yours
should be here by now?
- [Mrs. Kaufman] Oh, he'll be here soon.
Do you like the suite, Tommy?
Is the food good?
There's something about the fresh air!
Are you having fun, Tommy?
- Yes, yes, yes!
Having a wonderful time!
Everything is great, just great.
(sighs)
(drum roll, cymbal)
- Tommy.
- Oh my god.
- Thomas.
- Jesus.
- Tomaso!
(laughs)
- My god.
- Don't fight it, Tommy!
It's bigger than the both of us!
- Bigger than any of us!
Oh, no!
- Tommy, you're so impetuous!
(Tommy yelps)
You shouldn't do this to
me, you really shouldn't--
- Mrs. Kaufman.
- You're so gallant and strong!
And I'm so weak and helpless!
And rich!
(laughs)
(both yell)
- But Jesus Christ!
- What's the matter?
- Mrs. Kaufman, I just...
- Just what?
You said you were having a good time.
- I-I-I don't think you understand.
- Oh, I understand everything.
- No, no, you don't
understand, Mrs. Kaufman.
I came up here to negotiate
with your business manager,
nothing else!
- Well you're looking
at my business manager!
Start negotiating, huh?
Well?
Do you want the money or don't you?
- No.
- What did you say?
- No.
No, I don't want the money.
I don't want it!
Not if I was starving!
I don't want it!
- Get out!
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- [Operator] Hello, this is
a long-distance operator.
I have a person-to-person
call for Monica Gordon
from Mr. Tommy Everett.
- She's not here.
- [Operator] Would you like
to leave a message, sir?
- [Tommy] Yes, I would.
Tell her Mr. Everett called from Las Vegas
and regarding the business deal,
he'll work it out some other way.
Because he just said
no.
(intense disco music)
(engine stalls)
- Hey, you want a ride?
- No, thanks, it's okay.
- Get a load of my friend here.
Tall, dark and boring.
Come on, let's get outta here.
- [Driver] Oh, he wasn't so hot anyway.
(uplifting music)
♪ You and I ♪
♪ We've been alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
or a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
♪ In so many places with so many faces ♪
♪ Romeo ♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ Are the greatest loves
the world can't forget ♪
♪ Again, you and I ♪
♪ Will never die ♪
♪ We're kept alive in
the hearts of lovers ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Still alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
or a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ You and I ♪
("Tennis Is the Name of the Game" plays)
the Game" by Guy Finley)
♪ All you need to play the
game is a real good racquet ♪
♪ Find a friend and take a ball ♪
♪ Throw it up and whack it ♪
♪ And if you play it right ♪
♪ You'll get a lot more
than the practice ♪
♪ But there's nothin' like a slam ♪
♪ To make you feel like a man ♪
♪ Oh, tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ If you can listen ahead ♪
♪ It's widely said ♪
♪ It's hard to come to shore ♪
♪ For tennis ♪
♪ Is the name of the game ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ For just a couple of balls ♪
♪ A well-strung racquet ♪
♪ You can start to climb ♪
♪ Any social bracket ♪
♪ On the course ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the sport ♪
♪ Girls paint their
nails, set their hair ♪
♪ And they all buy expensive clothes ♪
♪ And the men, while their waitin' ♪
♪ Emulatin' all the moves
of the tennis pros ♪
♪ It's the only game they play ♪
♪ Where the friendliest shots ♪
♪ Turn to blows ♪
♪ There's nothin' like a slam ♪
♪ To make you feel like a man ♪
♪ Oh, tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ If you can listen ahead ♪
♪ It's widely said ♪
♪ It's hard to come to shore ♪
♪ For tennis ♪
♪ Is the name of the game ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ For just a couple of balls ♪
♪ A well-strung racquet ♪
♪ Any time of day ♪
♪ It's great to whack it ♪
♪ Doesn't matter if ♪
♪ You're fat or you're short ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of your sport ♪
♪ Whack it ♪
♪ Woo ♪
♪ Oh, tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ If you can listen ahead ♪
♪ It's widely said ♪
♪ It's hard to come to shore ♪
♪ Oh, tennis is the name of the game ♪
♪ Tennis is the name of the game ♪
- [Announcer] That's it,
ladies and gentlemen!
He's done it!
Ilie Nastase has beaten Bjorn Borg,
the world's number one tennis player,
in straight sets!
- [Commentator] Oh, what an
incredible display of tennis.
You know his game today
reminds me of that former
tennis great, Tommy Everett.
- [Announcer] Yeah, what
ever happened to him?
- [Commentator] Well, I
think he's teaching tennis
somewhere out in Beverly Hills.
- [Announcer] I guess that's what happens
when you get too old to play.
You could wind up teaching, huh?
- [Commentator] Yeah, I guess.
- No, no, no, you're not lousy.
As a matter of fact,
you're looking much better.
- Oh, shit!
(giggles)
- Shit!
- Oh, shit!
- Shit!
- Shit!
- Shit!
- Shit!
- Alright, Mrs. Kaufman, now
keep your eye on the ball.
- Mrs. Kaufman, you
are looking incredible!
I mean I couldn't believe my eyes
what I saw on the court just now.
- Oh, it's all Tommy's doing.
He really keeps me on my toes.
- Don't give me all the
credit, Mrs. Kaufman.
- But it's true!
- Listen, why don't you dry off.
Wouldn't want you to catch a chill.
- Bye bye!
- Bye bye.
- Nice to see you, Mrs. Kaufman.
You're really looking wonderful.
Wonderful!
Jesus, what a fat ass.
What a business.
- You said it.
- Tommy, I want you to meet somebody.
Joe Travis!
Come in here.
I want you to meet Tommy.
Joe Travis,
Tommy Everett.
- Heard a lot about you.
- Heard a lot about you too, Joe.
You're number one at UCLA, aren't ya?
- Yeah.
Well, I graduated last week.
- Made any plans?
- I've had a lot of offers.
Thought I'd take the
summer to think 'em over.
- Good.
Nice to see you, Joe.
See you, Charlie.
- Just a minute, Tommy.
I've never seen Joe play.
How about hittin' a few shots?
Play a five-point tie-breaker.
- You mean now, Charlie?
- [Charlie] Yeah.
- Unless you're too tired.
- No, Joe.
It's alright.
Never too tired for a
friendly little game.
- Ready, Everett?
(crowd applauds)
(crowd applauds)
(crowd groans)
You're good, man.
- It's okay, thanks.
- I tell ya, it's a thrill
to see two pros play.
Makes the old heart pound.
- No kiddin'.
- Why don't you grab
yourself a shower, Joe.
Take a look around the club.
I'll see you in a few minutes.
- Okay, Charlie.
Thanks for the game, man.
- Any time, man.
- So what do you think,
the kid's good, huh?
- Good? Charlie, that...
That kid is great.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
And that's why I gave him a job.
He started today.
Tommy, it's strictly business.
You know you're always number one with me.
You've made a great contribution
to the club over the years.
Don't forget,
this kid Joe Travis, he's only 22.
- Charlie.
What am I, an old man?
- Are you kidding, you're
in the prime of your life!
Christ, what I wouldn't
give to be your age again.
- So how come I suddenly
feel like I'm over the hill?
- Tommy, listen.
You know how the members
are around the club.
The women
and the special clientele we've got here.
Hey, even you can use him.
He'll be a big asset to the club.
I know you'll understand that.
- You're all heart, Charlie.
I'll see you tomorrow.
If I live that long.
- Aw!
- [Tommy Voiceover]
Maybe I am gettin' old.
I'm just in a rut, I need a change.
Maybe if I can get my own place.
Tommy Everett's Tennis Club.
Why not?
Miss Baxter.
My name is Tommy Everett
and I'm calling about the
house in Beverly Hills.
You know, the big one
with the tennis court?
Well, I'm...
I'm very interested.
Any time tomorrow morning would be fine.
Ten o'clock.
Thank you very much.
I'll be there.
- Mr. Everett?
- You must be Miss Baxter,
I'm terribly sorry.
- No, no, don't explain.
I know what a hassle it
is to have car trouble.
- Car trouble?
- Well you
certainly don't drive
around in that, do you?
It's a loaner car, isn't it?
- Oh, yes!
Oh, of course.
It's a loaner car.
Who would drive around in a car like that?
(chuckles)
- Those clothes you're wearing.
This T-shirt and these blue
jeans here in Beverly Hills!
- Um...
Loaner clothes.
- Loaner clothes?
- Oh, yeah, sure, I wear mostly Gucci.
See, I gave that away to charity.
I had to borrow this from neighbors just--
- They're very particular
about who moves into this area,
Mr. Everett.
We just can't sell to anybody.
- Oh, I'm sure everybody will love us.
- Us?
Do you
live with a woman?
- No, it's just...
Me and my dog.
- Dog? What kind of dog?
- Oh, he's just a warm,
affectionate, lovable little mutt.
- A mutt?
Your dog is a mutt?
- It's a, a...
Loaner dog.
It's not my dog.
My dog is an Afghan.
Oh, he's beautiful.
He's away at school now
learning to lead the blind.
- Oh.
I love a dog who can do something.
- Right, I know what you mean.
- Now, ten applicants,
none of them my clients,
have been turned down for this house
because they weren't suitable.
Do you like to garden?
- Oh, I love it, I just love it.
- You must never garden.
You must hire a Japanese
person to do that.
- Oh, right, of course, never.
I never work on my own
garden, I hate that.
But somebody else's
garden, now that I love.
I really love to work on
somebody else's garden.
My own garden, well, no.
I really don't care for that.
I would never work on my own garden.
- Now this is what we
call a star view home.
- Star view home.
- In a moment,
I will throw open these gorgeous drapes
and reveal a sight to you
that will freak you out.
Especially if you dig movie people.
Do you mind?
Now.
If you look very carefully
between those two houses,
you can see Alfred Hitchcock's
servant's quarters.
Now the window facing yours
is presently occupied
my Mr. Hitchcock's chauffeur's son
by a previous marriage.
His name is Gregory.
Now you've heard of Steve McQueen?
Of course, who hasn't?
You see that house down there?
They say
that Steve McQueen visited that house.
Now whether he spent the night or not,
we do not know.
- It's marvelous.
- And finally for the big finale.
You see that barn down there?
We call that John Wayne's place.
- That's fantastic.
You mean John Wayne lives there?
- No, but his horse did.
- When was that?
- 1936.
- Ah.
Could we see the tennis court now?
- Oh, mais oui!
Follow me.
You're going to adore
this court, Mr. Everett.
It's got some very unique features.
- Oh, I love it, I love it!
How much is it?
- Twenty thousand.
- Twenty thousand, that's fantastic!
I'll take it.
- Unfortunately, it comes with the house.
That's 480,000 more.
- Oh, but...
All I really need is the court, you know.
- Sorry, can't break up a set.
Besides, you're going to need a house.
You can't play tennis forever!
- Oh, yes I can.
(Miss Baxter laughs)
- You jocks!
Here we go!
- [Tommy] How much for the down payment?
- You could move in
temporarily for nothing.
Permanently, it'll cost
you 200 thou, cash.
- 200,000 cash?
Jesus, where am I gonna come
up with that kind of bread?
- Why don't you make an offer?
- Are you...
Are you horny or something, Miss Baxter?
- Why don't you make me an
offer, Mr. Everett, and find out!
(muffled yelp)
- Jesus!
Okay! Okay.
Um...
Wanna fuck, Miss Baxter?
- Mr. Everett, I thought you'd never ask!
- [Tommy] Christ almighty!
Wait a minute!
Wait!
In that room,
we can--
(echoing grunting)
- [Tommy] Oh my god!
Jesus!
Holy Christ!
(Tommy grunts loudly)
- Hey, Tommy!
Where have you been?
Come on over here, I wanna
see you for a minute.
- I was running some errands, Charlie.
- Hey, you're a little late.
- Yeah.
- I signed a new customer
up for you this afternoon.
A Mrs. Gordon down in Malibu.
- Charlie,
you know I gotta be at the
Sargent's house at 3:00.
And then I'll get stuck in all
that traffic out on Sunset.
Why don't you send Joe to Malibu?
- This lady asked for Tommy Everett.
- She did, huh?
- So if you don't want to be
late for both appointments,
you better get going.
- Yes, sir.
Yes, sir!
Still one Tommy Everett, eh, Charlie?
Over-the-hill, my ass.
(funky music)
(gasps)
- What are you doing?
Naked in my pool house bed?
- Sorry.
I'm really sorry but I...
I want you.
- How dare you talk to me like that?
- Who are you?
- I-I'm gonna call the police.
- Oh no, please!
Please don't call the police!
I-I'll do anything!
I'll do anything for ya.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Leslie, Leslie...
- What's the matter?
- Could we skip the preliminaries
and make this kind of
a short fantasy today?
I got a new client out in Malibu at 4:30.
I don't want to be late.
- Well, hell yes!
Why didn't ya say so?
I wouldn't want you to miss a new client.
- Thanks a lot, baby.
- You don't think I'm
crazy, do you, Tommy?
- Certainly not!
Different.
Different!
That's all, baby.
- [Leslie] Are you ready!
- Come and get it.
(short grunts)
(yells)
- Now!
Now that you have ripped the tennis shorts
from my soft white thighs,
what do you intend
doing about it?
- I'm sorry.
Leslie, I'm sorry.
I can't remember what we're doing today.
- What's the matter?
You got somethin' on your mind?
- No, no, just you, sweetheart, just you.
Just tell me one more time
what we're doing and who I am.
- Bionic Man, for Christ's sake.
- Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
I'm ready now, I'm ready.
- Well you know how much this means to me.
- I know, I'm sorry.
- The only real pleasure I have all week.
Husband of mine's always
away on some business trip.
- I know, I know, but
I gotta get to Malibu.
You know, new client?
- Now he's dropped some
house guest off on me.
Name is Melissa.
- Too bad.
That sounds terrible.
- Playing nursemaid to a
17-year-old child isn't easy.
- I can imagine, I can imagine,
but I do have to get to Malibu by 4:30.
- The morals of this
younger generation are truly appalling.
- Oh, I know, I know.
It's awful, just awful.
- It's just sex and drugs...
- I know.
- And sex, that's all they think about.
- I know.
Malibu, 4:30.
New client I got.
In Malibu.
- Okay, okay, okay!
You got it, ready?
- Here we go.
(playfully yells)
(laughs)
- Now that you have
ripped the tennis shorts
from my soft white thighs,
what do you intend doing about it?
- I'm gonna make love to you
like you've never been made love to before
in your whole life!
- But darling, we can't.
Not after your terrible
accident testing jet aircraft.
Oh God, you're so strong.
- Yes, but now I'm even stronger.
Ten times stronger, and do you know why?
- Why, why?
- Because now...
Now...
Now I am...
Bionic!
- Oh, you are.
- That's right.
- You are bionic.
- Yes.
Everything is bionic.
- Everything?
- Mm-hmm.
- Everything is bionic.
- The whole thing is bionic.
- Everything, tell me, tell me.
- I've got a bionic...
- Tell me what's bionic.
- A big, bionic...
- Tell me.
- A great big bionic...
- Say it, say it.
- A bionic p--
- Tell me, tell me.
- A bionic p--
- Bionic what?
I've got a big bionic p...
- Sound like--
- I've got a bionic...
- Bionic what?
- Peeper!
- Oh, my god!
- Yes! Yes!
- God, I wanna do things to you.
I want to show you how
much you mean to me.
- Shh, shh!
Wait a minute.
We shouldn't be doing this
here in the Air Force hospital.
- You're right.
The General.
He'll come by and see us.
- I am solid state, you know.
- Yes.
(giggles)
Solid state.
(laughs uproariously)
You are bionic!
Oh, God.
Oh, I would do anything for you, anything.
- Really?
- Anything.
- You would, anything?
- Yeah, oh, yeah.
- Listen.
Leslie...
I want my own school, you know.
But to do that, I...
I gotta have my own tennis court.
- Oh, yeah, think of that, bionic tennis.
Yeah, great, great, honey.
- Honey,
I think I found the perfect place.
- Perfect, yeah, God...
- At the right location.
- The best, the best.
- But I gotta move fast.
- Faster, faster!
- It's expensive, you know.
I don't wanna get in
too deep!
- Deeper, deeper, jeez.
- But I need some money.
For a down payment, you know, a loan.
A little loan!
I need a loan!
I'm so close to it I...
I don't want to lose it now!
- Don't lose it, no, God!
- I don't wanna lose it.
- Put your bionic arm around me.
- You've got it!
Then I can have it?
- Oh, honey, you can have it, take it!
- I can?
- Take it, take it!
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
- Oh, God, so great!
- Oh, it's wonderful!
- And do you know...
Do you know what is so great about it?
- Do you know what is so great--
- What? Tell me!
- Because you--
- Yeah?
- You are the Bionic Man!
- I'm the Bionic Man, that's me!
- And I am the Bionic Woman!
- You're the Bionic Woman, that's you!
Tell me about it.
(moaning)
- A what?
- Bionic...
- Yes?
- Climax!
(whooping)
- [Tommy Voiceover] I love it!
My own tennis court!
Woo-hoo, I love it!
I love you!
I love everything!
What the hell, kiss me, baby!
(clang)
(fluttery clarinet music)
(breathy grunts)
- I think I liked you better as Hitler.
You do think I'm crazy, don't you, Tommy?
- Gotta think a lady who's gonna
loan me $200,000 is crazy.
- How much?
- $200,000 cash.
It's a down payment.
- For a fuckin' tennis court?
What do you play on, gold dust?
- I'm gonna make you a
full partner, Leslie.
We're gonna split the profits.
Hey, look.
I got all the figures right here, see?
(whistles)
- Wow.
That is just a tad more
than my monthly allowance.
I'll see that Old Moneybags gets it.
- Do you think he'll go for it?
- I'll tell him it's a tennis court
built atop an oil well.
He'll just hear oil well.
- Then you know what?
I'll be whoever you want me to be
whenever you want it.
- Oh, yeah, honey, look at the time.
If you're going to
Malibu, you better split.
- Oh my god.
Uh...
What about your husband?
- I'll take care of Arthur.
You just be sure I think you're worth
two hundred thousand.
- Oh, uh...
I forgot.
Who are we on Saturday?
- You're Evel Knievel.
- Oh, yeah.
You?
- The Grand Canyon.
- You can say that again.
Hi, there.
You must be Melissa.
I understand you're gonna be
a house guest for the summer.
Uh, I'm Tommy Everett.
I was just giving Mrs. Sargent
her weekly tennis lesson.
- In the pool house?
- No, uh, I was...
I was taking care of a little business.
- I'll bet you were.
Do you always take care of business
with your fly unzipped?
- Oh.
No.
Hardly ever.
(chuckles)
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Wise kid.
(energetic disco music)
Mrs. Gordon?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello!
(waves crashing, seagulls)
It's been a real blast, Mrs. Gordon.
We should try this again sometime.
Ah!
(string and wind music)
Monica?
Monica?
Is that you?
- Hi, Tommy, how are you?
- I'm surprised.
What are you doing here?
- Oh, you know me and the beach.
Don't you remember?
- Yes, I do remember.
It's a shame the way
you've let yourself go.
What is it, five years,
Monica, since I've seen you?
- Must be.
- Listen, I was
supposed to be here to give
this lady a tennis lesson,
but it looks like she stood me up.
Maybe you know her.
Mrs. Gordon?
- Oh, yes, Mrs. Gordon!
She's a very nice lady.
- Really?
- Would like me to introduce you?
- Sure, that's what I came down here for.
- Tommy Everett, Monica Gordon.
Monica Gordon, Tommy Everett.
How do you do!
- How do you do?
- Hi.
- You got married.
- People do, Tommy.
- I just...
I never pictured you married.
- Yeah, I seem to remember you
having that same difficulty
about five years ago.
- Yeah.
- Don't rack your brain about it, Tommy.
I'm not married anymore.
Sam and I are divorced.
- Oh.
- It's a beautiful view, isn't it?
- It certainly is.
Beautiful.
(chuckles)
- You're still the same
old Tommy, aren't you?
- You bet.
I haven't changed a bit.
- Well I'm afraid I have.
Look, I want you to understand
that it's really wonderful
to see you again.
But I called you here for tennis lessons.
- Tennis?
- You are the best teacher on
the West Coast, aren't you?
- I am.
That's the rumor I've been
spreading around town.
- Well, let's get on
with it, what do you say?
- Busy for dinner?
- Oh, Tom.
- Come on.
I promise you I will not attack you.
At least until
after our second lesson.
- You are incredible!
- Yes, you see?
It's comin' back, isn't it?
- It's comin' back.
- I'm gonna take you to
a very special place.
You're gonna have a dinner that
you ain't ever gonna forget.
- I can believe that.
(foghorn blares)
(engine revs)
Hey, what is this?
- Never mind.
- I don't believe it.
- Come on, come on.
Don't you remember this?
This is our place!
- You're crazy!
But I'm not used to this.
I'm used to caviar.
- I know, well, nevertheless.
- Alright, what'll ya's have?
- The usual, Al, and
don't skip on the kraut.
- What do you know?
It's the tennis kid and his girl,
Timmy and Mona!
- Uh, Tommy.
- And Monica.
- Sure, I never forget a face.
Two kraut dogs comin' up, huh?
(laughs)
So tell me, Terry boy,
you still playin' tennis, huh?
- Yeah, I guess you'd have to say that's
still my racket.
(laughs heartily)
- I feel like I'm watching the Gong Show.
- You know, somehow I knew
you two would stick together.
How many kids you got?
- We're...
We're really not married, Al.
- Oh?
- But if there's ever a wedding ceremony,
you can cater it.
- Hey, it's a deal, huh?
- [Tommy] How much do I owe ya?
- No, no, no, no.
It's on me.
For old time's sake?
- Thank you very much.
Thanks, Al.
Come on, Mona.
- Bye.
Wise guy.
- Hey, Tony!
- I think that's me.
- Hey, I hope everything was alright.
Know what I mean?
I mean I don't get the
good dogs like I used to.
- No, it was super, Al.
- Believe me, it's a real problem to me.
I mean I get a lot of
meat, know what I mean?
But very little of it quality.
- I...
I know what you mean, Al.
I have the same problem myself.
(chuckles)
- They're just as bad as they always were.
(car starts, engine revs)
- Yes, Mrs. Landsberg, that's right.
You have a 2:30 appointment--
- Vera, darling!
What's my next appointment?
- It's with Mrs. Sargent at 3:30.
- Mrs. Sargent.
Thank you, honey.
- Silvia, doll, you look
absolutely fabulous!
And so do I.
Phyllis, how's the man?
Tony, Tony, no, no!
You must blow it out and make it fuller.
Oh my god!
Will you look?
Garbo!
Lamarr!
And now Mrs. Kaufman.
- Scotty, really, you flatter me.
I know you must think I'm crazy
getting my nails done for a tennis lesson.
But Tommy, my teacher,
is a stickler for detail.
And he notices everything.
- Darling, how are you?
- Hello, Mrs. Kaufman.
- [Mrs. Kaufman] Hello, dear.
- Oh, good lord, not Ronnie Rue Red.
That's for amateurs.
- What color do you want?
- Like, Orgy Orange.
- Even something more daring than that!
- Okay, Grab-Ass Green.
- Ooh, that sounds nice.
I'll try it!
- It's you.
Believe me, it's you.
Oh my god, sweetie!
You're looking as fresh as Summer's Eve.
Who are you today, Lady Godiva?
- I look like shit and you know it.
We were Hansel and Gretel.
It's the last time I
try to screw in an oven.
(chuckles)
Scotty,
you don't think I'm crazy, do you?
- We've all been there, honey.
How's your big love affair going?
- He sure knows how to treat a woman.
- Why can't I meet a man like that?
- There just aren't any, Gracie.
- Ain't that the truth.
And your husband still
don't suspect anything?
- He thinks Tommy's
giving me tennis lessons.
- Tommy, so that's his name.
- Tommy Everett!
He's some kinda Olympic
champion or somethin'.
(crash)
What the hell is that?
- Mice, honey, mice.
- What, were they wearing army shoes?
- Leslie, darling,
the love affair sounds
like sheer perfection.
- Mm, yeah.
It's beginning to get a little sticky.
Tommy wants me to lend him
money for a new school.
He's beginning to hound me.
I don't know how much longer
I can string him along!
- You always get what you pay for.
Ooh, did I say that?
- Bitch.
- [Stroke Master] What a nice return.
Mon cheri.
C'est magnifique!
What style and grace.
You are poetry in motion.
Look at that form and that backhand.
And, ooh-la-la, all the rest of you.
You're like one supreme, beautiful,
bubbling orgasmic ballet.
You're too much for me.
You're tiring me out.
If you care to play another game,
simply deposit one dollar
in your very own tennis butler,
Pierre the Stroke Master.
- Mrs. Kaufman, where are you?
- [Stroke Master] We also
accept Visa, Master Charge,
and American Express.
- Where are you?
Are you here?
- Oh, hello, Tommy!
Let's get right to the lesson, huh?
- Sure, sure, what a beautiful home.
You should take all
your lessons in private.
- Do you think so?
(giggles)
I'm so glad you like it, Tommy.
- It's beautiful, beautiful!
Listen, let's get right to it, shall we?
- Of course!
By the way, you're looking tired.
You know what they say,
all work and no play!
- Well, Mrs. Kaufman, I'll tell you what.
I am trying to raise money
for my own tennis school.
I don't wanna have to work so hard.
- Gosh, I wish I'd known.
I'm always looking for
sound business investments.
And even some that aren't so sound!
(laughs)
- Let me help you.
- Thank you.
- There you go.
(grunts)
- I'm a widow, all alone in the world,
with oodles of money.
- Listen,
speaking of all alone,
I thought I heard some
voices when I came over.
- Voices?
Nonsense!
We're alone!
- That's it, eye on the ball.
Look out.
(whistling)
It's all right.
- [Stroke Master] To think
that you would play with me.
How lucky I am.
You sexy delight.
(slide whistle, birds chirping)
You sexy delight.
(cymbal crash)
- [Monica] Tommy Everett,
what a wonderful day for a picnic.
- I don't care, I got my bottle.
(both chuckle)
Listen, I bet you're fancy ex-husband
never took you for a picnic in the rain.
Besides, it stopped anyway.
- Yeah.
Well, you're right, Sam
was never creative enough
to bring me for a picnic
in the rain in Venice.
- There you are.
Oh, damn it.
- What's the matter?
- I forgot the suntan lotion.
- You're cute.
- Well, listen.
I could smear it on the chicken.
It could stand to be a little browner.
Isn't that...
That's awful.
- Yuck!
What about Bambi, that
girl that you live with?
Did you ever bring her to
Venice for a picnic in the rain?
- Did you ever bring her for a picnic...
- I was just curious.
- It's not that way between us, she...
Bambi is a...
A convenience.
I mean, I'm just a stopping-off place.
She's looking for a rich producer
who's gonna whisk her off to stardom.
No, there's only
two important things in my life right now.
One is
getting my own place, my own court.
I want to be my own boss.
Instead of having Charlie
run my ass ragged.
And the other
important thing
is you.
- You make me feel like a kid again.
- Good.
- But I'm not a kid anymore, Tommy.
And I won't allow myself to be hurt again.
- Now wait a minute.
You were the one who walked out on me.
- Oh, no.
I just physically vacated the
premises first, that's all.
- What does that mean?
- What that means is
you have spent your whole life
trying to make everybody happy.
Trying to please everyone.
And you were never pleased.
You can't please everyone, Tommy.
You only end up hurting the
people that you love the most.
You know what your problem is?
- No, what is my problem?
- Your problem is
you simply cannot say no.
- That's not true, I can say no.
- You can't.
You can't.
- Okay.
Okay, enough of this
analyzing Tommy Everett, I'll say no.
I will say no from now on.
I'll be a different person
and no matter what anybody asks me,
I'll say no.
- Oh, sure.
- No, really, I mean it, I'm gonna change.
Now can we have our picnic?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Can I have some chicken?
- No.
- Yes, may I please have some chicken?
- No.
It's the new Tommy Everett.
- May I please have some chicken?
- The answer is no!
- Yes, yes!
- No, no!
♪ From the first time that I saw you ♪
♪ And without knowing how ♪
♪ I have always seen us this way ♪
♪ Just though we're lying here ♪
♪ Right now ♪
♪ But it wasn't very clear ♪
♪ Until you were this near ♪
♪ And I really saw your eyes ♪
♪ That I finally recognized ♪
♪ You were destined to be mine ♪
♪ The same great love in another time ♪
♪ Yes, you and I ♪
♪ We came alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
on a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
♪ In so many places with so many faces ♪
♪ Romeo ♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ Are the greatest loves
the world can't forget ♪
♪ Again, you and I ♪
♪ Will never die ♪
♪ We're kept alive in
the hearts of lovers ♪
♪ Waiting patiently ♪
♪ With eyes that long to see ♪
♪ That someone we have
waited for through history ♪
♪ And now again it's time for you and me ♪
♪ I can still remember clearly ♪
♪ As though it weren't over yet ♪
♪ Just how selfless we were staring ♪
♪ Even though ♪
♪ We had never met ♪
♪ But then the moment broke ♪
♪ Still neither of us spoke ♪
♪ We knew our time had come ♪
♪ And nothing could be done ♪
♪ Once you placed your hand in mine ♪
♪ The same great love in another time ♪
♪ Yes, you and I ♪
♪ We've been alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
on a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
♪ In so many places with so many faces ♪
♪ Romeo ♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ Are the greatest loves
the world can't forget ♪
♪ Again, you and I ♪
♪ Will never die ♪
♪ We're kept alive in
the hearts of lovers ♪
♪ Waiting patiently ♪
♪ With eyes that long to see ♪
♪ That someone they have
waited for through history ♪
♪ And now again, it's time again ♪
♪ For you and I ♪
♪ We've been alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
on a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
♪ In so many places with so many faces ♪
♪ Romeo ♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ Are the greatest loves
the world can't forget ♪
♪ Again, you and I ♪
♪ Will never die ♪
♪ We're kept alive in
the hearts of lovers ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have been alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
on a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
- [Leslie] Honestly, Arthur.
Two business trips in one week?
What are you really up to?
- Really up to your ass!
These business trips pay
for the bills, Leslie!
- Bills, bills, bills.
Is that all you ever think about?
(Arthur chuckles)
- Your hobby is spending money.
If you had an occupation,
that would be spending money!
And if there was a fake category,
that would also be spending money.
- Like for instance?
- Like for instance?
Like buying a $24,000 Mercedes-Benz!
And then having naked
Marvel Comics superheroes
painted all over the outside of it!
- That's a very mod thing to do.
- Your ass it is.
Buy a Volkswagen, maybe,
and I won't give a damn
what you put on it!
Yeah, how about that
eight-foot dirty statue
you bought that's down in the hallway?
- That happens to be art.
It is Aristotle
contemplating Socrates.
- It's two old Greeks
holding each other by the balls!
That's what it is.
And it cost $16,000!
That's $4,000 a ball!
- Creep.
- And then there's this.
$350 for lousy tennis lessons!
- I take those lessons to keep in shape.
Tell me,
do you see any fat on this old bod?
- You do look pretty good.
Now that you mention
it, you look damn good.
- It's all Tommy's doing.
He's worth every cent you pay him.
- Hey, you think he
could do anything for me?
- I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
(car horn honks)
- Oh, damn it, there's my cab.
Honey, I gotta go.
- Oh, I'll be needing some spending money.
A few hundred, say seven or eight.
- Honey, I'll be back day after tomorrow.
Oh, listen, dear.
When I come home,
can we make love,
you know, the way I like?
- You got it.
I'll smear myself with Limburger cheese
and put on the feathers.
- Oh, you're the best.
Will you make turkey sounds just for me?
- Oh, you know I will.
- Will you gobble-gobble when we climax?
- Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble...
- Oh, Jesus, don't!
Not now, honey, I gotta get outta here.
Please, honey, get me a doctor!
Honey, stop, I'll pole
vault to the airport.
Don't! Oh, please!
- Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble...
(exhales deeply)
(disco music plays)
- [Tommy] Bambi?
Your roommate's home.
- Arnold's got an opening
tonight for dinner and dancing.
It's free, wanna go?
- No, I don't think so.
I'm kinda bushed.
I think I'm gonna stay home
and work on the figures
for the tennis court.
- Tommy, I thought you
said that we was all set!
- It is all set.
But you know how it is with big business.
I mean you gotta
stay on top of it.
- Yeah, I guess.
Here you go, baby.
- Oh, thanks, hon.
- So you gonna--
(doorbell rings)
Oh, that must be Arnold!
Early as usual.
Get it will you, baby?
- Yeah, yeah, I'll get it.
Arnold Moss?
- Yeah.
- Come on in.
Want a drink?
- I don't drink.
Wait...
Who are you?
What are you doing here?
- I'm Bambi's roommate.
- Bambi's room...
She told me she was living with a...
A girl.
- Oh.
Well, um...
I always try to look my best.
Actually, I have this in several colors.
My favorite is
puce.
- Uh, do you mind if I use the phone?
- No, go ahead.
- Thanks.
(phone dialing)
Arnold Moss, 49.
- Jesus, you mean there's 48 more?
- I'll hold.
Listen,
what is it exactly that you do?
- Didn't Bambi tell you?
I'm a pro.
- I get it.
You mean a hooker.
Right?
I'll call you back.
- Well!
I see you two have met.
- Well, you might say that.
We've just been discussing what he
does for a living.
- Tommy's a champ.
He teaches, too.
Gonna open his own school
soon, aren't you, Tommy?
- Wonderful.
Let's go Bambi.
I think we're gonna be very late tonight.
- Arnold!
I don't know what you're
being so hostile about.
- I'm not being hostile!
- You could learn a lot
from a pro like Tommy.
- I think what you do
is really disgusting.
- Bye, Arnold!
(phone ringing)
(phone ringing)
He's not here.
- Hi, Tommy, it's me!
- Oh...
Hi, Leslie.
- I just got rid of the turkey freak.
I'm all alone.
Come on over.
- I got a headache and I put
the car in the shop, I can't.
- I'll have some aspirin and a
cab to get you in 15 minutes.
- [Tommy] Wait a minute, Leslie,
have you talked to your husband
about the money for the court yet?
- [Leslie] 14 minutes.
Bye...
- So, the latest sex
maniac they're lookin' for
is this guy who goes around in his shorts
and T-shirt.
Beats his victims over the
head with a tennis racquet.
(chuckles)
(chime glissando)
(Egyptian music)
- Oh, hi, honey.
How much is it?
- Three dollars.
- Keep the change.
See you upstairs.
(Egyptian music)
- Hey, take care, I'll see ya.
- Wait, wait, just a minute.
Who the hell is she?
- Oh...
Cleopatra.
- That's what I thought.
(car starts)
- Cleopatra...
- Oh, Christ, even the snake is limp.
What do you say we take a break, huh?
- Right.
Take another break, that'd be wonderful.
- Where the hell are my cigarettes?
- I dunno.
- I don't suppose that you'd wanna
get in the car and go get me a pack, huh?
- Alright, what...
What breaks yonder through the
birdbath
because Juliet is the sun.
- Oh, go to sleep.
Boy, when you're not
screwing, you sure are a bore.
Look.
Take a little nap.
Get all rested up.
I'll be right back.
I've got a little surprise for you.
Shit.
(uptempo Egyptian music)
- [Arthur] Fogged in, fogged in.
Fogged in, my ass!
All the way out to the airport
for nothin'!
Nothin' at all!
- So this current sex maniac
that they're all looking for,
he goes around in nothin' but his shorts
and a tennis racquet.
He beats his victim to death
with the racquet, you see.
Hey, are you at a convention?
- No, why?
- Just wonderin'.
(chuckles)
Give my regards to Cleopatra.
(car starts)
- Give my best to Marc Antony!
Christ, they'll let anybody
drive a fuckin' cab today.
Gobble-gobble-gobble.
(clucking sounds)
Daddy's home!
Gobble-gobble-gobble!
Goddamn sleeping pills.
Whew!
All the way out to the
airport for nothin'.
You know what they gave me?
Fogged in.
Fogged in, my ass!
That how they were fogged in.
I should have known it hours ago!
Ah!
Then the guy says to me,
"Do I know you from Houston?"
Some schmuck, I never saw him in my life.
It was bad enough to cancel the flight.
You know, when you're disappointed,
somehow or other it goes to your groin.
And that's the way I feel right now.
You better look alive honey because
it's runnin' through my veins.
I dunno, it's like a honeymoon,
you know what I mean?
I'm gettin' hornier by the minute.
Look alive, honey!
I don't feel this way too often,
so take advantage of it.
Better wake up!
I gotta be up at five
o'clock in the morning.
Gotta make that damn 7:05.
Better set this alarm
before we start playing Turkey in the Hay.
(jaunty fiddle music)
(clucking sounds)
Gettin' hornier by the minute.
(distant clucking sounds)
Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble!
Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble!
Here I come!
Feathers and all, ready or not!
(clucking sounds)
Gobble-gobble-gobble!
Leslie, where are you?
Please, let's make
believe it's Thanksgiving,
and I'm your own personal turkey!
(Tommy yells)
- Wonder Woman!
Arthur!
You turkey!
- Leslie!
This is better than I dreamed!
My god!
Wonder Woman!
- [Leslie] Arthur!
- [Arthur] Leslie!
- [Leslie] Oh, shit!
(Arthur yelps)
(fiddle music)
- Hey! Hey!
Hello!
Hey, thanks a lot, thanks
a lot for stopping.
Listen, could you guys give me a li--
What are you...
Hey!
(tires screech)
- Okay, boy.
Find us the money.
- Wait a minute you guys,
I don't have any money.
I don't have any money.
All I got is a shirt
and a pair of pants on.
Really!
(men laugh)
That's all I got.
- Don't jive me, man.
We know all you boys in
Beverly Hills have money.
- No, I'm not from Beverly...
I don't live here.
I was just visiting--
- Shit!
- Wait a minute, what are
you doing with my pants?
- Look here, man.
We're gonna get your
wallet one way or another.
- No, wait a minute, wait.
Wait, listen.
You guys, you don't have to rip me off.
I'm a soul brother.
Yeah, see my curly hair?
I speak your language.
Alright!
Far out!
Outta sight!
Motherfucker!
- Mother fucker?
- [Men] Shit!
(Tommy grunts)
- Son of a bitch.
Wonderful.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Oh, boy.
Am I glad to see you guys.
- Could you step around here, please?
- I'd...
I'd rather not.
- We got us one.
- Marathon runner, I better
get back to the race.
Thanks!
- [Cop] Marathon runner?
In his shorts?
In Beverly Hills?
The sex pervert!
- [Partner] That's him, go!
(siren blares)
(constant car horn honking)
(cheering and honking)
- Shh!
- Stick it up your ass!
What the hell's he want?
I'm doin' 25 miles an hour.
(car horn honking)
I'll show you how to get
outta this goddamn traffic,
I'll betcha!
Hang on!
(tires screech)
(woman screams)
(Tommy screams)
(car horns honking)
- Oh, get her!
- What's goin' on?
Where the hell am I?
- You're over the rainbow, Dorothy,
and the Emerald City is this way.
- Be nice!
- I wonder,
could you do me a favor?
- Oh, whatever you say, sweet meat!
- I would like to borrow your coat
and a dime for the phone, alright?
- What?
- Oh, strike three, sweetie.
- I gotta have a phone.
- Take your hands off me!
Don't touch me!
- Leave her alone!
- What are you going to do with my coat?!
(yelling back and forth)
- Melissa!
It's not what you think, honest!
(yelling back and forth)
- Give me my coat!
- Leave me alone, will ya?
I just wanna borrow it!
- It looked better on her.
- Jesus, help me, will ya, please!
- Give the lady back her coat.
Okay?
- You got it, you got it.
- What's it worth to you
to get you outta here?
- Anything, anything!
- Well, good.
But let's go home and get
you a change of clothes.
I don't want people to
think I go out with trash.
- Yeah, right.
- Look at this!
Look what this is!
- Oh, you're breakin' my heart!
(yelling)
Go, Melissa, go.
(yelling)
- Come on, let's go inside.
- Oh, Louise.
- Oh, Celeste.
Oh, Celeste.
Screw you!
Oh, baby.
Oh, darling.
It's gonna be alright, honey.
The pills will hit you
just at the right time.
I know they will.
(muffled disco music)
(music intensifies)
♪ Dance ♪
♪ Well ♪
♪ Everybody dance ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Dance ♪
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ Everybody dance ♪
♪ Shake your booty ♪
♪ Now all you pretty people ♪
♪ Get out on the floor ♪
♪ Party down to the disco sound ♪
♪ Shake your body, let it go ♪
♪ Party down to the disco sound ♪
♪ Shake your body, let it go ♪
♪ Feel the beat ♪
♪ That body heat ♪
♪ Make you feel ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ Now listen to me ♪
- Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
It's your friend.
- I thought you were home
working on your figures.
- Melissa, this is Bambi.
- Didn't Walt Disney
write a movie about you?
- Cool it.
- Hi, Arnold Moss.
Melissa?
- Come on.
- I'm Bambi's agent.
- Let's get outta here, Arnold.
- You know what you need?
A good spanking.
- Is that all you ever think about?
Sex?
The straps and leather are in the car.
- Yeah, yeah.
For your information,
that girls happens to be my roommate.
- I think I just took care of that.
(disco music intensifies)
♪ Feel the heat ♪
♪ Well, my body get down ♪
♪ They can feel it, baby ♪
♪ Shake your booty ♪
♪ Shake your groove thing, baby ♪
♪ We're doing our thing, baby ♪
♪ Just you and me ♪
♪ Well well well ♪
♪ Feel the heat ♪
♪ Feel the beat ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Shake your booty ♪
- Wonderful.
- [Cop] Hey, do you see what I see?
- [Partner] That's not him.
- [Cop] That's him,
he's dressed different!
- No, that's not him.
That is him.
Hey, I like that shirt.
- [Cop] I like the jacket.
- [Partner] Let's get him.
- Alright.
Oh, hello again!
- [Man] I hope this won't
seem out of line but...
Oh, you are really one great fuck!
- Whom are you speaking to?
Him or me?
- I didn't say anything.
(car starts)
(tires screech)
It's not me!
I didn't do anything!
(siren blares)
(tires screech)
- Baby!
You're so good!
- Come on!
- [Man] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- That was fine parking, Mrs. Simmons.
Now we'll try a right-hand turn.
- That doesn't come in the test, does it?
(siren blares)
- Since six o'clock,
we wait for our daughter Rosa wedding!
Where is she?
It's gonna be a wonderful wedding.
You good boy, she good girl for you!
It's a beautiful table!
Look at the cake!
(sirens)
(man panting)
- Oh!
(Tommy yells)
- [Man] I always get excited at weddings.
Don't you?
- [Father] Call the police!
- [Man] What the hell happened?
- Oh, no!
Look at all that fighting!
(yelling)
Oh my god, it's my mama!
My papa!
And my husband!
- Your husband?!
- Rosa!
In the car!
- Rosa! Rosa!
- [Father] Rosa, what
are you do in the car?!
(yelling back and forth)
- [Man] She's a terrific girl!
(yelling back and forth)
- [Rosa] Papa, no!
- Arrivederci!
- Well I wasn't sure we were still going.
- A celebrity tournament in Big Sur?
What made you think we wouldn't go?
- Well, I've been trying to reach you for
two days.
I've called the club,
I've called your house.
Where were you?
- Don't ask.
The last 24 hours, 48
hours, you wouldn't believe.
- Well I hope it has something to do
with that school of yours.
- Well, as a matter of fact,
I spoke to my backer
a couple of hours ago.
Money should be coming
through any day now.
Probably by the time we get home.
- Tommy, that's wonderful.
- Yeah, but right now, I
don't want to talk about
schedules or clients or business.
The next two days, I just
wanna think about us.
- And Bjorn Borg.
Ilie Nastase.
Roscoe Tanner.
- You forgot Chris Evert.
- Well I notice you didn't.
- Alright.
- Oh, and also,
not to mention Maria Navratilova-lava...
- I told you not to mention her.
(easy listening music)
- Well, it's been a fabulous
two days of competition here
at the Big Sur Charity Tennis Tournament.
We're down to the finals as
ex-tennis great Tommy Everett
faces the current world
champion Bjorn Borg.
It's a real test of the
old against the new.
(crowd applause)
Tommy, you've really done a
superb job here at Big Sur.
That old Everett style is still there.
- Thank you very much.
- But now comes the moment of truth.
You're about to face the
incomparable Bjorn Borg.
What are your feelings about it?
- Well,
Charlie, I've been
playing well, I feel good,
but I'm on the court with
the best in the world,
a Wimbledon champ.
Number-one seeded.
But I'm gonna give it my best shot.
I'm gonna try and beat him.
- Thanks, Tommy, good luck to you.
- Thanks.
- What about you, Bjorn?
What are your feelings?
- I'm really looking forward to it.
- Do you foresee any problems?
- I know that Tommy Everett
is a great player and
I will try to do my best to beat him.
- Good luck to the both of you.
- [Tommy] Thank you, Charlie.
- There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
The ex-champ and the current champ
getting ready to battle
it out on the court.
In a just a few moments,
the finals of the Big Sur
Tournament will begin.
It's the ex-Wimbledon
champion Tommy Everett
against the three-time Wimbledon winner,
and the current top-seeded
tennis player in the world.
The world champion, Bjorn Borg.
(exciting disco music)
(applause)
(slow, easy-listening music)
(music intensifies)
(applause)
- It's becoming more and more obvious
that age is losing out to youth.
But Everett has held up remarkably well.
(applause)
(applause)
(applause)
- It's match point.
Can Everett hold on?
And Bjorn Borg has won it!
(crowd cheers)
- Great match, Tommy.
- Congratulations.
(applause)
- [Announcer] Tommy Everett
has really played great tennis,
but he was just unable to keep up
with the fantastic stamina of Bjorn Borg.
- [P.A.] Paging Tommy Everett, telephone.
- Hello.
Melissa, I wish you'd
stop calling me here.
- Because of dear old Auntie Leslie?
- Did you make my hair appointment?
- No, Mrs. Sargent.
Miss Melissa's still on
the phone down at the pool.
- I don't think it's a good idea for us
to see each other again.
- [Melissa] Why not?
- [Tommy] Well, I don't
think she'd approve, do you?
- Approve.
(laughs)
If she knew that I balled her lover,
she would go right into menopause.
- You do have a way with words.
(click)
What was that?
Melissa?
- I think that was Auntie Leslie.
Going into menopause.
- Melissa.
I wanna talk to you.
Melissa!
Melissa!
(screams)
Damn it, Melissa, I can't swim!
- Nonsense, Leslie.
Why you can swim almost as
good as you play tennis.
- How could you do this to me?
How could you?
I always thought that you and I...
I always thought that we...
- You got it all wrong, baby.
- Oh, you really blew it, baby.
Arthur had the check all made out
for your precious little tennis school.
And I was gonna give it to you tonight.
Well you'll never see it now!
Never!
- Leslie, please.
Please let me explain
it, won't you let me--
- Don't touch me!
Don't you ever touch me or Melissa again
or I will see that you are destroyed!
- Leslie, won't you
let me explain, please?
Please let me explain it, Leslie.
- Move out of the way, tubbo!
- Am I late, Tommy?
- No, no, no.
No, Mrs. Kaufman, you're fine.
Right on time.
- Good, I can't stand people
who keep other people waiting.
How's your business deal going?
Has the money come through yet?
- No, Mrs. Kaufman.
I'd kinda like to
talk to you about that.
- If you wanted money for a tennis school,
why didn't you come to me?
- Because I love you.
And because you're too important
to me to come for money.
- That is the most screwed up
set of reasons I ever heard.
- What's screwed up about it?
I wanna do this on my own.
I want to make it for myself, Monica.
I don't wanna be some faded jock
that they put out to pasture someday.
- That woman is gonna take
you to Las Vegas and use you
just the way every other woman
in your life has used you.
- Listen.
Maybe so.
I gotta go, I gotta take a chance.
What have I got to lose?
- Me.
Tommy!
Tommy.
If you could say no just once,
I'd say yes to you for
the rest of my life.
(jazzy disco music)
- I just love Las Vegas!
The casinos.
And the smell of money.
(sighs)
- Yes, it's very nice, Mrs. Kaufman,
but it's almost nine o'clock.
Don't you think your business manager
should be here by now?
- Oh, he'll be here any minute.
Come on, let's have a drink
while we're waiting for him, huh?
- Care to have your picture taken?
- Oh, we'd love a picture.
- One more to make sure.
- Shouldn't your business
manager be in this picture?
- Please, forget about business.
We're having fun.
- If I wanted fun, I'd go to Disneyland.
- C'est la vie!
(Mrs. Kaufman laughs)
If my husband Hermie were still alive,
he'd kill me for losing so much money!
Pour the champagne!
- Yeah, I tell ya,
fifty thousand dollars!
Seems like a lot of money
for a few hours of fun, Mrs. Kaufman.
- [Mrs. Kaufman] Yeah, but
you only go around once,
I always say.
I love Las Vegas!
This is the life, Tommy.
- Yeah, this is the life.
This is great.
Really great!
Mrs. Kaufman,
it's
after midnight.
Don't you think that
business manager of yours
should be here by now?
- [Mrs. Kaufman] Oh, he'll be here soon.
Do you like the suite, Tommy?
Is the food good?
There's something about the fresh air!
Are you having fun, Tommy?
- Yes, yes, yes!
Having a wonderful time!
Everything is great, just great.
(sighs)
(drum roll, cymbal)
- Tommy.
- Oh my god.
- Thomas.
- Jesus.
- Tomaso!
(laughs)
- My god.
- Don't fight it, Tommy!
It's bigger than the both of us!
- Bigger than any of us!
Oh, no!
- Tommy, you're so impetuous!
(Tommy yelps)
You shouldn't do this to
me, you really shouldn't--
- Mrs. Kaufman.
- You're so gallant and strong!
And I'm so weak and helpless!
And rich!
(laughs)
(both yell)
- But Jesus Christ!
- What's the matter?
- Mrs. Kaufman, I just...
- Just what?
You said you were having a good time.
- I-I-I don't think you understand.
- Oh, I understand everything.
- No, no, you don't
understand, Mrs. Kaufman.
I came up here to negotiate
with your business manager,
nothing else!
- Well you're looking
at my business manager!
Start negotiating, huh?
Well?
Do you want the money or don't you?
- No.
- What did you say?
- No.
No, I don't want the money.
I don't want it!
Not if I was starving!
I don't want it!
- Get out!
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- [Operator] Hello, this is
a long-distance operator.
I have a person-to-person
call for Monica Gordon
from Mr. Tommy Everett.
- She's not here.
- [Operator] Would you like
to leave a message, sir?
- [Tommy] Yes, I would.
Tell her Mr. Everett called from Las Vegas
and regarding the business deal,
he'll work it out some other way.
Because he just said
no.
(intense disco music)
(engine stalls)
- Hey, you want a ride?
- No, thanks, it's okay.
- Get a load of my friend here.
Tall, dark and boring.
Come on, let's get outta here.
- [Driver] Oh, he wasn't so hot anyway.
(uplifting music)
♪ You and I ♪
♪ We've been alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
or a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Have survived ♪
♪ In so many places with so many faces ♪
♪ Romeo ♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ Are the greatest loves
the world can't forget ♪
♪ Again, you and I ♪
♪ Will never die ♪
♪ We're kept alive in
the hearts of lovers ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Still alive ♪
♪ Through a hundred ages
or a thousand stages ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ You and I ♪
("Tennis Is the Name of the Game" plays)